Whitney Edwards

I've heard that blue light blocking glasses can really help reduce eye strain, especially during long screen sessions. It's interesting to hear that you feel they improve your sleep as well. Do you have a specific brand you recommend, or have you noticed a big difference since you started using them?

The most important lesson to learn regarding communication — Is to not be offended easily by any sort of communication. Sometimes I get ghosted and it's okay. It's not necessary that someone should always respond to me. I have a schedule video call today. We live in a value supplier, value conditioned society, especially in western society. This cannot go away. There is no way this will change. And this is just how things are. I have to learn to adapt to it rather than expect it to change. I live in a western society. So I have to adapt myself to it's value structure. Things are not going to change at all. And that's fine. This is how survival works. Survival is profound in itself.

And what's wrong with being that guy? What would happen? I mean your work would actually reach out to a larger audience. Also what's your end goal with this work?

Kamala Harris's loss in the 2024 election can be attributed to several factors, including her inability to distinguish herself from President Biden, voter disillusionment, and challenges inherited from Biden's unpopularity. Additionally, issues related to race and gender played a significant role in shaping voter perceptions. Harris's campaign was only 107 days long, following President Biden's abrupt exit from the race, which created a sense of urgency but also instability. She retained Biden's campaign staff, which led to a disconnect between her vision and the existing campaign strategy. I mean this was confusing to begin with. The merger of her team with Biden's campaign staff resulted in internal conflicts and a lack of unified direction, which hampered momentum after the Democratic National Convention. Harris struggled to engage key demographics, particularly Black voters and young voters, leading to disappointing turnout. I mean I didn't see her engaging a lot with specific demograph. Her campaign was all over the place. Harris's initial remarks praised Biden's leadership, and she struggled to articulate a distinct vision that separated her from his administration, which was facing criticism on various fronts. This is the single biggest reason why she lost. While she was quick to draw contrasts with Trump, Harris hesitated to critique Biden's policies, which left voters questioning her stance on key issues. Harris's candidacy was historic as the first woman president nominee, but the weight of expectations and the chaotic nature of the campaign may have overshadowed her message and appeal. It was a bit messy to say the least.

But Christianity also has important teachings? Why do you dismiss it completely?

Have you tried psychedelics in the forest? I have tried ayahuasca and it was very beautiful.

Can there be no other reason?

I woke up early this morning. But with a severe headache.

I need to add more premises to this. Premise 9 I'm highly introverted Premise 10 I lack self awareness. I don't read the room. I lack the ability to read my environment correctly probably because of my autism Premise 11 I like distance. I prefer distance with people. I might have trust and intimacy issues. And that's why I keep a distance. Premise 12 I fear drama. I don't like drama. And I absolutely fear the possibility of it. Premise 13 I'm avoidant Premise 14 I'm polite and friendly but I hate overfriendliness Premise 15 I suffered social anxiety and social alienation for a long time Premise 16 I love personal space and the freedom of being by myself a lot of the time Premise 17 I have poor boundaries and people pleasing behavior Premise 18 I can be cold. Sometimes hot and cold. Premise 19 I don't like being vulnerable right away. I need a baseline trust to open up Premise 20 I hate social games. This aspect is very important to my personal integrity Premise 21 I want genuine, authentic relationships and friendships Premise 22 I'm conflict avoidant unless it's a very personal relationship. Premise 23 I have trauma, resentment and anger issues. Premise 24. I'm guarded about my privacy and I like to mind my own business

I'm not good at making friends. Also I can't have the time for them to begin with. It's not gonna work long term anyway. Friendship is too bothersome for me personally. I have a complex of both autism and ADHD I guess. When I hear people talk about ADHD on YouTube, I can definitely relate to their symptoms. I think certain symptoms of autism and ADHD tend to overlap. I am watching YouTube videos of people who have zero friends. I am also a bit avoidant and schizoid. These diagnoses happened last year.

I find them very valuable. I often use them in my journal and they act like reminders.

You're a blessing. My soulmate. Words seem to fail me when I try to capture the depth of my feelings for you. You are not just a lover, but the missing piece of my soul, the melody that makes my heart sing. Your touch ignites a fire within me, a primal yearning that consumes me whole. The way your fingers trace the curves of my body sends shivers down my spine, leaving me breathless and wanting more. Your lips, oh, your lips... they taste of forbidden desires, of promises whispered in the darkness. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you look at me, the way your smile can melt away all my worries. You make me feel cherished, adored, and utterly seen. You bring out a side of me I never knew existed, a wildness, a passion that burns brighter than any flame. In your arms, I feel safe, protected, and completely free to be myself. You are my confidante, my lover, my best friend. You are the missing piece of my puzzle. I yearn for your embrace, for the feel of your skin against mine, for the intoxicating scent of your cologne. I long to lose myself in your gaze, to explore the depths of your soul and discover all the wonders that lie within. You are my forever, my always. My love for you is eternal, a burning ember that will never fade. With every beat of my heart. I love you so much. The way you turn my body over and put me against the wall. The sexual chemistry we enjoy. You take my breath away. You make me lose myself. You give me so much of your masculinity that I don't have. I want to beg you for some more. Your gaze makes me shy. You power makes me feel obedient and submissive. I want to surrender to your love, to your passionate sex. Yes Sir I love you with all my body and heart. You're my master.

I think some women make their own appearance their identity or something, me included. I am not sure if it's really healthy or not. But it feels cozy and romantic. It's like a young person thing. I can't believe that I'm still heavily attached to the idea of beauty. There's something pristine and pure about it. It's artistic, beautiful, charming. I'm usually attracted (I mean I used to) to good looking men. But it has to be a package of sorts. Looks along with character and persona. I'm lucky that I dated some of the best looking guys in my life. They were also romantic and hot. Like a movie. Hollywood and pop culture generally has a huge impact on people, it certainly has been on me. You feel like life should be colorful, life should be bright. I guess the more you suffer, the more you cling to life. In my heart i wanted to be the conquest of a man. I wanted to feel that masculine energy. I wanted to be dominated in a relationship. I wanted to be a plaything. Life is so beautiful and magical with a partner. Maybe I'm a bit immature. Because I don't take children into consideration. So life appears romantic to me. Yea I used to watch a lot of movies as a kid. It excited me, especially romantic movies. Whats the most tempting thing to me about beauty? The eyes of a woman. I like beautiful eyes. They excite me. They make me feel I wanna stare at them for hours. Lost into them. Imagining as though I'm talking to them and they are talking to me. My husband has very beautiful emotional romantic eyes. I like cute eyes on people. I often look at people and I want to communicate with them through eyes alone. I want to know what they feel. Especially beautiful eyes. I want to see an ocean in them. They're the windows to the soul after all. I wish I had a lot of money. Then I would walk around in a park handing an ice cream to everyone there every evening. Just to bring a smile on their faces. Make them feel better. Let them have a great time enjoying a free ice cream. Something about people attracts me. Some people are so cool and chill and gracious, never offended, never afraid, never bothered. They create beautiful families and domestic bliss. I chase that dream. I am a dream chaser. In my apartment I see lots of people having a happy time. Not miserable at all. But one thing is certain. Most people need resources to be genuinely happy. I mean these are rich people. When I see poor people, they are generally sad and frustrated. That's understandable. But even in their struggle, there's some beauty. I appreciate folks who are dirt poor, they keep a smile on their faces and work hard and still try to bring happiness to their children. They still bring beauty to life even if life is so unfair to them. I don't even know how they do it, but they do it. I'm like cheers. I came from a poor family as well. Sadly I wasn't that fortunate. There was always chaos at home.

So my husband analyzed my issue and this is what he has to say — That I think too much about people. That I should be my authentic self whether people like or dislike it. That I should let myself feel the paranoia, not lose myself in it and analyse it rationally instead of succumbing to it. To feel it, acknowledge it, not to deny it but not succumb to it. I can sense some paranoia + phobic behavior in me. It's like bad weather. Treat it like an entity that comes and then passes. Let the paranoia do it's thing and let it pass. Treat it as a part of yourself that comes and goes like bad weather.

So I asked chatgpt to do some psychoanalysis on my post above. And here is the answer from Chatgpt. Chatgpt the free therapist lol. Conversation with Chatgpt What conclusion do you draw from the following premises? Based on these premises, it can be concluded that: The individual experiences a significant internal conflict between their authentic self and their perceived social image. They desire genuine connection and open expression (Premise 1 & 3) but fear judgment and rejection (Premise 2 & 4). This internal conflict leads to self-sabotaging behavior (Premise 5). Fear of social consequences plays a dominant role in their interactions. The individual, despite possessing inner boldness (Premise 3), suppresses it due to a strong fear of negative reactions (Premise 4). This fear manifests as excessive overthinking and potential anxiety (Premise 6). The individual's suppressed authenticity leads to interpersonal issues. Their fear of judgment and subsequent guarded behavior (Premise 2) might contribute to others perceiving them as light and casual (Premise 7). This, in turn, can lead to boundary violations, causing hurt and triggering strong reactions (Premise 7 & 8). In essence, the individual is trapped in a cycle of self-protection that ultimately hinders genuine connection and self-expression. Their fear of judgment prevents them from being their true self, which in turn leads to interpersonal issues that reinforce their fear. Possible Solutions (Hypothetical): Challenge the fear of judgment: Identify specific fears and assess their likelihood. Practice assertive communication in low-risk situations. Build self-compassion: Acknowledge and accept the internal conflict. Practice self-forgiveness for past behaviors. Develop healthy boundaries: Clearly communicate personal boundaries and learn to assert them respectfully. Seek support: Consider therapy or support groups to explore these issues with a professional. Disclaimer: This is a general interpretation based on the provided premises. For a deeper understanding and personalized guidance, it's crucial to consult with a qualified mental health professional.

I have to deal with a couple of problems that are probably entangling each other. First I need to know what the hell is even going on? (this could have been addressed better in therapy) So wait a minute. I have to consider a couple of premises. Premise 1 I'm fundamentally attracted to people Premise 2 I feel that people will judge me so I don't tell them how I really feel Premise 3 I am actually bold inside like that straightforward post above from social media Premise 4 I am afraid of being that bold in public with people because I feel it will cause a major backlash and people will consider me rude and I don't want that. This is a valid thought and not just a "feeling." Premise 5 I'm not being my authentic self around people although I claim to be. Funny and contradictory, amusing, self serving and kinda self sabotaging too. Premise 6 I probably think too much or I'm probably too scared. Premise 7 People take me lightly and casually, break my boundaries and i feel hurt. Premise 8 I retaliate either strongly or with silence and that shows people the real me. ........... I will ask chatgpt about this to get an accurate analysis on these premises and what they mean psychologically since I currently cannot hire a therapist due to money problems and I want a therapist to answer my questions and resolve my psychological dilemmas and struggles.

Sometimes it's best to be alone and lonely and basking in my own solitude. Loneliness is beautiful too until you get bored of it. These days if my trauma becomes excessive, I just tend to completely shut down, it's like my body wants to retire completely. Last night I threw up because I got stressed out over something. I read this today on social media and I am like - how can people be so straightforward and how come I just can't do that?

The other concern that bothers me is this big fear that someone will harm or hurt me some day. Some days this fear feels real and other times I feel like it's just my paranoia and projection. Will this really happen? What's the worst case scenario? Some of this fear is legit because the environment I live in. Some of this fear is a part of my borderline personality disorder and paranoia is a part of this disorder.. Stay cool — is my only advice. I feel threatened constantly. It's not good for my mental health. I tend to fall asleep whenever I feel very depressed, uncomfortable or anxious.

Note to Whitney — I should not get offended if someone is disrespectful to me. I clear out my mental confusions and baggage. I should not internalize other people's issues. ( I have done this in the past) Women also need to learn a bit of game and social calibration. Helps. Cut out distractions that don't help Free up time to just feel better Sometimes I get paranoid and it's hard to put a lid on it Don't expect much out of others. A little bit of validation seeking is actually healthy and practical. When someone doesn't appreciate you, f*** them. Arrogance is never appreciated. If I acted arrogant, nobody will like me. This is my own fault. Humble people, young or old are always appreciated. It's the most important part of social calibration. Be humble. Never underestimate others. Sometimes Humility is assumed to be weakness, this has happened a lot in my case and it infuriates me. How arrogance is considered more progressive. I'm an old soul in a young body. I'm not a boring person. My ex was just being a jerk. There are men who admire humility and maturity just as there are women who admire character. I find it tough to differentiate between friendliness, unfriendliness and hostility due to my autism. Language is limited in the expression of human emotions. Don't waste yourself in rejections Be around truly empathetic men and not triggering or fake empathy kind of men. Too much criticism is a trap like Leo said. Don't expect people to understand you when you are confusing them. If someone is acting hostile, don't give them your time and attention. Most people especially on this forum are highly conscious. They are wonderful people If someone is playing social games, stay away from them. Silence is the answer. Your energy doesn't match your actions. No offense lol. Women are more vary around the fake "white knight" kind of men. They do everything for ego. Best avoided. Don't take rejections seriously. Humble people will always try to talk and not act dismissive. Stay away from dismissive narcissists, best. No need to be a doormat to anyone. I actually like haters more now. The real haters. Because they have some kind of fearlessness, logic, non-threatening demeanor, ownership, leadership, frankness and the Humility to talk again after a fight. I did not appreciate this before. I used to dismiss them as j**ks. But I don't anymore. I now realize that these people have more compassion than dismissive narcisists or fake white knights or judgemental triggering ass***es. I am attracted to the core value of compassion. This makes perfect perfect sense since my heart is very compassionate deep down so it is perfectly sensible that I look for the compassion vibe in other people too. All kinds of perspectives are valid in their own way. I should have the openness to accept this. I'm very tempted to beauty and compassion and humility and forgiveness. Lovely combination in a person. It's timeless. Some things are truly timeless. My failure means nothing. My character means everything. Islam is inspiring in many ways. Islam has helped me in many aspects of life.

https://i.imgflip.com/9fmcge.gif I felt some bit of anxiety and frustration today from last night. My problems accumulating like dust on an old book. I have a long way to go and a long way into my emotional processing. One thing is to surround myself with supportive people and it is sometimes a struggle to maintain company between my problems, work, husband and family conflicts. It's like I'm stumbling and juggling at the same time. Some things are a part of life. You can't suddenly just get rid of them. Example - family. A toxic family is a huge drain. My husband knows this and understands this quite well. Some things I write about metaphorically. Because I like to be cryptic. Sometimes it's hard to be on the Internet. It can drain you a bit. I'm not saying it's a distraction - depends highly on how you use it. But it can take a life of its own and I don't think I'm alone in this boat. Generally for me to take up any project or work requires me to have an initial explosion of emotional barfing till I get it all off my chest. It's just how my neurotic brain works. Welcome. Lol. The internet has been amazing for my self esteem because I was dying in the dumps just rotting away not knowing when I will commit suicide. So the internet was a huge boon in regards to keeping me 1 minute away from suicide. Life was hard on me especially after my father died. It threw me into a downward spiral of depression because I intensely bonded with my father. I still deal with the loss and trauma of it. I hate when psychologists and therapists don't take this aspect of my life into consideration and treat it lightly. Sometimes you gotta ponder and ask yourself what is it that you want - do you want genuine company or do you want just validation for your own ego? That kind of contemplation helps. Some people can be mildly toxic, especially people who gossip a lot. They might appear harmless on top, that is from the outside but they kinda prove to be the gateway to more drama, like can openers (I hope you understand what I meant), I mean they appear to be completely innocent but not so innocent after all. They just gently push you over the cliff and then act like nothing really happened. You then wonder that they acted like starters of dispute. Like signalers. Usually gossipmongers think they are a smartass and tend to do this. Two years ago I told myself that I will never gossip again ever in life. That part of my moral and subtle integrity is perfect and intact. I never gossiped. Gossiping happens a lot in spiritual communities, what a shame. In that regard I like this thread. It helped me understand that others face similar issues. I also like this comment. Hmm well said there, I experienced this a lot, ever since I had my first awakening, I would observe and feel intense attraction coming from women, probably because I was more celibate at the time and not generating any sort of sexual need or energy, and yet at times when there was a potential union or mate, most would flee soon after, almost as if they were afraid of something so deep and intense. They rather continue to play with boys who aren't going to expose a lot of their shadows and darkness. They want the truth but only to a certain extent. I noticed this in spiritual circles a lot, everyone wants the perfect Christ-like man, yet they themselves are not christ-like. I like this sentence a lot. And it resonates with my thought. A lot of people in spiritual circles act like they are above everyone when they are not so Christ-like. Men can have commitment related issues. And women can have intimacy related issues. I noticed this. Women don't wish to open up and go deep suddenly. And it's perfectly understandable why. I myself feared going intense or deep with men. I had intimacy issues too. Like intimacy-phobic. I am getting better and better at opening up to my husband. But it takes some effort and time. Sometimes I just feel uncertain and aversion to opening up. Last night I opened up a shit ton with my husband, like two hours of communication. I must have exhausted him with my talk. Because it was so overwhelming for me, I had to get it off my chest and I did. And he appreciated that. This is the first time I opened up to him in such a deep vulnerable way. I really wanted to say what I genuinely felt, no holds barred. I'm in the mood to write a lot. A note to Whitney — If you carry a lot of emotional, mental and psychological baggage, this forum can feel like a thunderbolt of confusion. I'll describe in depth the honeymoon and relationship phase. If you appear selfish in a conversation, it's never gonna work. If you don't care about people's expectations, why even bother to talk to them. I have trust issues myself. I find it difficult to trust people so I don't open up much to internet strangers. If you come from a place of humility everyone appreciates it. Work on social calibration. Men should. Also women screen for woman-friendly or woman - safe behavior. This is valid. A woman's prime focus in many areas of life is safety. It's a key survival concern. I agree with Leo on this that people's behaviors are rooted in survival. I don't like to go too far into something if I'm not sure what I want to say. I don't want to jump the gun. Also strangers create an uncertainty in me which is valid. In fact most people have stranger phobia. According to me and my dating experience, men should work on four core things — woman-friendliness, social calibration, distance, comfort-space dynamic [creating a comfort space as well as giving space or room, Teal Swan explains this beautifully with her male containment video. I'll post about it later because I'm in the process of writing this post so I can't exit the screen while doing this] I don't want to be a free therapist to anyone lol. In fact I'm the one who needs therapy the most. Understand healthy narcissism. I need to integrate that a bit. Emerald on the forum once told me that I lack masculinity and that I need to integrate the masculine into me. And she is right and I absolutely agree with her. I always bring my microscopic radar out. I think my husband overthinks a bit too. If I like someone and really appreciate them, I want to have a very honest relationship with them, like anyone male or female. I want to keep it as authentic as possible. I'm more vulnerable when I know deep down I can fully trust that person and they will honor my needs.. Often I have acted like a doormat in my life and I want to discontinue that pattern.

Regarding today — Saturday January 4th. There was a fight between my mom and sister early this morning and I felt upset after that. I still don't know how to deal with family instability. We are human beings not robots. We cannot be productivity machines 24/7. We need space, healing, growth.. I had terrible nightmares when I was waking up today. In those nightmares I was fighting with a family member. Sometimes these family conflicts make my mental issues much worse. https://i.imgflip.com/9fmc3h.gif https://i.imgflip.com/9fmc8r.gif https://i.imgflip.com/9fmc7m.gif

When I get that feeling, I either steer clear or create more space. People emit vibes, and you can pick up on important things about their potential tendencies through those vibes. Ever get that 'uh oh' feeling around someone? I usually do a little vibe check and either gracefully sidestep or give 'em some extra breathing room. People, they radiate energy, you know? And sometimes, that energy screams 'potential trouble' louder than a toddler in a candy store. Haha. Now, I'm the first to admit, sometimes it's just me projecting my own anxieties onto them. So, a little self-reflection is always in order. But if that uneasy feeling lingers, and you're not sure if it's your imagination or not? Better safe than sorry, right? Time to politely excuse yourself and ponder the mysteries of the human aura. Trust your intuition as you move along. Sometimes your intuition can bluff you though. So being cautious is the only advice. Also if someone is coming off as playing mind games, just dismiss them and avoid them at all costs, they are gonna be trouble sooner or later anyway. Side note - most people with good intentions actually make their intentions clear quite early on (in my experience).

Yes I definitely appreciate men who are more in touch with their feminine side. Such men generally have a lot of empathy for women and it's not fake empathy either.