Whitney Edwards

You should make a video on materialism.

I'm usually a bit guarded in my journal. And I don't mostly reply to people's comments in journal. I'm going to use the forum less. It doesn't interest me that much anymore. Plus I get sort of weird replies to my threads. Sometimes a bit triggering. I'm improving slowly. Pure self focus and pure self love is the only way. Me being myself.

I tend to be weird too sometimes. Actually very weird. But that's okay. I feel satisfaction in embracing my own weird quirks.

Leo helps me a lot in understanding morality. I am waiting for his new video.

Don't have time for weird freak stalkers lol.

Woke up early morning. Don't know why i couldn't sleep well. My family was being supportive yesterday which I liked. It's cold outside. I'm waiting for my husband to wake up but he generally sleeps late.

This is about my past experience because currently I'm married. I'll keep it short for an easier read. I used to get intensely attracted to men who did not give me any attention or deliberately withheld any validation or attention to me. I used to look up to these guys as though they were "hot" or "prized men." The moment if any of these men gave me some validation, admiration, praise or attention, it would make me bored and I would lose attraction for them instantly. It's a genuine phenomenon I experienced with my mind and how it reacted to male behavior to me. Why does this happen that I'm more attracted to men who don't validate me and bored of those who do? In short - the more a man distances himself the more he is attractive.

Lol.

I like Western society much more now than Eastern. Eastern societies have a lot of biases, judgement and stress as compared to western societies. Western societies are heaven. You can date freely. You can get the job you want. You are cared for by the government and you are not judged for every little thing. It's so freeing. Western societies are primarily rooted in logic, excellence and non judgement. They allow a person to flourish despite their problems. I am always reminded of the stark difference between having an Eastern boyfriend versus a western boyfriend. The eastern boyfriend was a headache. He would constantly argue over little things, always comment on my appearance, judge me for every little thing. He would judge me if I woke up late. It would be like being in a relationship with Hitler. I always had to impress him. He would never be satisfied with me. Even though I was his first girlfriend as he claimed. He would complain about every little thing. If I was busy he would nag and disturb me. I used to get fed up with him. There was no love, just judgement. Even the color of my dress had to be his choice. Very demanding. He would mock me over silly things. He would control my every move. As though I was his puppet. If I needed any help, he would say he is busy. He would call me only when he wanted to talk. If i wanted to talk, he would say he is busy. He would watch a lot of porn and it used to be tiring to deal with it. He had a porn addiction. It's like he wanted me to be a perfect girlfriend even though he had nothing to offer me in the relationship. He had sky high standards in a woman but he had zero expectations on what he has to offer. I never felt any empathy from him. He would blame me if I had issues with my family instead of supporting me. I used to feel like a slave with him. Always catering to his demands. But my needs were always ignored. He wasn't even interested in knowing if something made me happy. If I said I needed something he would avoid helping me. Instead he would only help his family and friends. I was nobody to him. He wanted a perfect wife. He would place demands on me on what I should do for him but he would never ask me what I wanted. I mean why don't you find the perfect wife/girlfriend if that's what you want and leave me the hell alone instead of using me. He wanted all kinds of expectations from me but not from himself. Eastern societies are like that — If you don't have a job, you're a bad person. If your marriage doesn't work, your neighbors don't want to talk to you. If you have mental illness, nobody wants to show you empathy. Why? But with western societies there's so much freedom. Nobody judges you for your problems and weaknesses. With my western boyfriends, they were sympathetic, listening, patient. Respectful. Giving me their time. Not judging my appearance. Not shaming me. Not telling me constantly what to do. Not judging if I did something wrong or said the wrong thing or had a different opinion. Not microscopically judging me. Not having a long laundry list of expectations on what I should say "yes sir" to them. Just embracing my imperfections and problems. You need a heart of gold if you want to truly love someone. Otherwise don't fall in love or don't even call it love. I wanted someone who will love me for who I am instead of always wanting me to change to serve his expectations of an ideal partner. Having an Eastern boyfriend felt like a job. Having a western boyfriend felt like a gift. There are huge differences in these cultures. I will always choose western over Eastern any day. There is no growth in being with a person who is constantly judging you but not giving any value to who you are. If you are so dissatisfied with your girlfriend, then get another one who is perfect for you. Don't ruin her life with your complaints. If you can't be happy with someone, then leave them rather than make them suffer for your childish needs. I wanted a wholesome open minded soulmate and i finally found one. Who doesn't love someone who puts effort in understanding you? No woman wants to be a slave to a man. We already have enough masculinity in the world. We don't need to be told what a man wants. As though men didn't get what they wanted for so many centuries! I mean women were always your slaves and doing what they were told to do to impress the husband. We were always supposed to be happy if our husbands were happy. Did our happiness as women ever matter? So why will I go back to a society that doesn't prioritize my happiness as a woman? Why will I care about what such men want, just to get his validation and be his obedient slave? They can find their slaves in the slave market. I'm happy to live life on my own terms. I am happy that I don't have to be a slave to my husband. I remember my eastern boyfriend telling me that "if I give you food and water, that's enough"..... As though I am not a human being, as though I have no emotions, no need for sex or emotions or anything else that comprise human needs. Just food and water? Am I an animal? Even animals are treated better in some countries. No sir, I don't need your food and water and I don't need to be your slave for food and water. I can afford food myself. What the hell do some men think? They still live in 16th century I guess. There is a certain satisfaction in being a financially independent woman. No need to beg to men lol. A financially independent woman who is with a husband of her choice is the most happy woman. I don't mind even if her husband is providing for her, as long as he respects her and doesn't use it as a slave ownership license.

Yep. That.

I'm an extremely selfish person. I should be brutally honest about this. This is a stage red quality in me. I don't admire selfishness. But I accept that this trait is disproportionately important for survival. Leo called me selfish too. But I get it. I remember that the only way I could get through my childhood was by being extremely selfish. I have low integrity and I don't come from a first class childhood or Upbringing. I came from a disturbing bad childhood and I did whatever I could to succeed through that environment. When people steal items from a store, I don't feel like judging them because they are poor and they do things out of extreme desperation. The more we are non judgemental the better we get as a society overall. But I try to undo my negative qualities. Sometimes it's hard because there is a temptation to not care about morality or moral standards. It irritates me. It requires too much disciple to always be morally correct. I can't do that. But I also have empathy. Primarily due to my own suffering. So when people do wrong things, it doesn't shock me. I get why they do wrong things especially for financial reasons. I have seen poverty. I understand how people compromise on their morals. I used to get very frustrated when my objects were stolen from my room..one day very expensive things were stolen. I did not complain to the police. Because I thought that I should forgive the thief. Some people have broken my trust. They took lots of money from me and they never returned it. I did not ask the money back. I was like — let it be. My father was a very honest man. But I can't expect the best in people. I don't like to judge people. It's a bad thing. Because people are human beings. They will do both right and wrong. They do what they do. The only thing is empathy. The capacity to understand survival. My ex boyfriend lied about a lot of things to me. I got very angry at him. Later I ended the relationship because he used to blackmail me. After ending the relationship, he started stalking me. I told him that I'll complain to the police. That's when he told me that he will show the police our text messages and the police won't be able to do anything to him. He continued stalking me for a few months. Then one day I told him that he really needs to stop, there is no way I will go back to him. Then he stopped. He was the worst person I dated. It wasn't fair for him to do what he did to me. It left me with emotional suffering. I usually like people who are forgiving. They are so cute. I crave their love. I have been both smart and foolish at many points in my life. Someone on the forum called me a big idiot. I don't take it seriously. I want a carefree life. I don't want too much discipline. Maybe I'm irresponsible. But it's also because I suffer a lot mentally. Whats the point of being a good person? Everytime I was a good person, I only got slapped in the face with betrayal, rejection, cheating and exploitation. Life is meaningless. Especially if you are trying to be a good person. At least in my personal experience. I got nothing by being selfless or good to people. I have learned that the more we focus and love ourselves, the better we get at survival and this is our only real goal. The people who win in life are people who survive this life and live a good life. Only that makes sense. Rest is just bullshit. Even morality is bullshit. There are so many innocent people and they are rotting in jails because of some government rule or because of false cases.. I'm tired of being a good person.. The only way is the selfish way. The more I learn about life, the more I see the pragmatism of selfishness. Selfishness does not mean harming someone. But pure self focus. It means just being completely self absorbed.. Everything, all confusion dissolves when you only care about yourself. You can't please everyone in life. You can't please this world. You can't even do justice to anyone. Life is too short. Most people will be good people if they are given enough money, resources, love and happiness. Most people do wrong things because they are deeply dissatisfied in life not because they are bad people.

You were my soul. You were my heart. P....... I did wrong. I hurt you. Would you wait for me? Is there a way we can get back together? Because you're irresistible to me. You feel like everything to me. The way you sexed me. The way we would sit together at the beach. The way you would look at me from far. Now how did I lose you? Where did I lose you? These things are so beautiful. These things are so sweet. Between us. Everything is suddenly perfect between us. Nothing would matter again. What we said. What we done. We will be together. Forever. Playing with the waves. Like there's no end. Once again everything comes alive. Wait you're crying. Why. I know. I'm guilty. Let go. Please. Please. Please. Please. Let go. I will be waiting for you forever.

A record of all things fictionary.

Right now I'm thinking about you. I scammed you. I mistreated you. I duped you. And I hold myself completely responsible for it. At the same time my feelings were and are true and you should know. After I fell in love with you, I never thought of anyone else. I know you absolutely fking hate me to the core. And why not. I did you nasty. You realized it. You felt unsafe. You felt bad. Hurt. Wounded. Angry. I'm in a much better mental state now than before. No brain fog. I realize now what I done. I hurt you badly. The realization has hit me after a very long time. I wish we communicated a lot more. You were far too secretive for me to have any idea of how you felt. Or what were your exact thoughts. How could I have known? You placed way too many expectations on me. You have some life experience in that department. So you know more. Don't dismiss and judge me so casually. I know you are pissed off at my audacity. You must be thinking - how dare I? These thoughts haunt me. You're still my inspiration. I wish I could hold you. I wish you could look into my eyes and see the love. I know that you love me. I know you do. You touched my body and we came closer. For a split second, it felt like it was another me. Me into you and you into me. I could have long conversations with you. Why did you ditch me? Why did you leave me? I saw a future with both of us. I was sitting waiting for you. I was sitting like that wanting forever. So that one day you would come and take me. Into your soul. Remember sleeping in the garden. We locking eyes. Those were such wonderful days. You would pull me closer. We would spend every evening together. Our sex was exciting. It was blissful. You looking into my eyes while you thrusted me. You were my master, my everything. I'm so attracted to you. I could live my whole life with you. You got me hooked on to you like you were my drug. You reject me. And then we come back again. Again. Again. Again. You hold my hand once more. P where are you? I'm still searching for you P. My soulmate.. I hurt you. I know. ( P will never come back because you hurt him —says an external voice from nowhere) I love you P. You have to be. I'm with you. Our journey begins once more. Me and you in a dream. You come closer. You talk to me. Everyday stuff. About your job. About everything. I tell you we will be okay. We run through some financial problems. But that would be okay. We know we are stronger together. You assure me.....wait....i don't even need that. I have you, my eternal soulmate.

I woke up. I couldn't sleep well. Last night I had dreams of flying to an alien place in the universe. It was weird because I was flying with some Donald Trump kind of man. So weird. Time to take the next few steps. I was thinking about dying my hair red or some funky color haha.

I downloaded an alarm app to keep a timer on my activities. Today a lot of work to do. Time to go to sleep. Goodnight.

January 6, Monday. 2025. I think this year is generally going to be a good year for me. I just have that hunch for some reason. I don't wish to consume any content that's not useful to me. Time to get rid of addictions and neuroses. I have controlled my game addiction so far. So far so good. Pure focus. Smile. ~ Whitney.

Also I masturbated a lot last night with my husband. So much that I'm having tummy pain. And also a bad guilty feeling. I still have some guilt around the subject of masturbation and sex. And it doesn't seem to go away. I felt like I shouldn't have masturbated. I don't watch porn at all. But I got a bit too excited with my husband. And it happened. I couldn't control my horny feelings last night. I wanted it. Then when I woke up in the morning I felt guilty and a bit sad about it. Like my body felt limp and lazy and exhausted from too much of it. Yea sex life is good but I guess it comes with some degree of in built guilt, tiredness, not wanting to keep repeating it. Or wanting some space before the next sex session. Just overall exhaustion. I felt very tempted with my sexual feelings last night. And couldn't control my horniness. Then felt shame. Another day in my sexual repression diary. After many days I climaxed and orgasmed last night. It was like great. I almost super climaxed. To the peak and fell asleep. Morning - tired.

What if these rich kids are born to parents who have neglected them severely. You know certain narcissistic rich parents who don't raise their kids well. Or completely neglect them. What if? Obviously it's not the kids fault. I mean I agree that some rich kids can be spoiled rotten. But not all.

I'll leave the forum for some days. Because I'm a bit overwhelmed. I want some time and energy to myself. My energy is getting distributed in all directions to all the people I care about. But I hardly get time to care for myself in the middle of all this. It's like I'm neglecting myself. The good news is that I applied for zumba class once again. Good start for the new year. Also my mother constantly pressures me to talk to my husband. Which I don't exactly appreciate. I want my own time as well. She nags me a lot if I don't talk to my husband. And that has been frustrating me since the past few days. It's getting tiring when she keeps asking about my husband like a 100 times during the day. Chill.

Yea I know. But there's violence in these videos. Some degree of violence. I don't have the stomach for violence. Maybe some people do. But I agree with your soda analogy. @Terell Kirby also not all people are entitled. They might appear so. But maybe they have psychological issues going on that makes them act out a bit. We don't exactly know their personal lives and struggles. Even if they weren't struggling financially, they might have struggled emotionally with hate and anger issues coming from disrupted households or nobody to properly guide them. I mean who knows right. @Clarence makes a good point.

I also have to focus on action too. Too many distractions.

I should gather myself. I want to free up my mental space so I can think clearly. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed today with too many thoughts simultaneously running through my head. I want solitude and peace.

Leo is so cute with his dating advice. Hell yeah, I love it. That's just not going to work. You are describing an authoritarian fantasy. Eventually even the least self-respecting and meek woman will get tired of your domination and selfishness and leave you. But before that happens there will be so much drama and fighting that you will regret you ever met her. What your domination will do is just make her hate you and leave you in the end. You're simply not going to find a human who will be your doormat as you dream. And that you even desire to have that is the problem. This is a sick way to relate to other human beings. Just because you think you are providing for her or whatever does not mean she will be your doormat. Fundamentally, you are violating another being's soveriegnty for egotistical purposes, and that will not end well. Try it and you will see how badly it fails. Because people are not on this Earth to serve you. If you think you will get away with dominating women, you are sorely mistaken. Another excellent post. They are so cutthroat. Dude well said.

I don't know where to place this topic but it's so beautiful. I can play this a 100 times and it's so inspiring.