Buck Edwards

I have autism. It's just that the diagnoses have become more widespread and increase in awareness.

January 22, Wednesday, 2025 Woke up early morning. I'm feeling great thanks to my husband. He put me to sleep and told me to relax.

January 12, Sunday. 2025. Evening I had breathing issues a few days ago because I slept on a hard cold floor to keep my back straight. My back has been bent or somewhat not completely straight especially because of sleeping on a soft bed. My old bed was very fluffy and huge. And my back lost shape because of that. Nowadays I sleep on the floor to keep my back straight.

Musk does Nazi salute at the Trump inauguration. He does it twice. This is going viral now across the internet.

January 21, Tuesday, 2025. My husband did a lot of workout today and I will log off and sleep now. Feeling weak and tired.

January 21, Tuesday, 2025. I rested well.

@Leo Gura The link reads as political winter in amera instead of america. Slight correction needed. https://www.actualized.org/insights/poltical-winter-in-amera

Leo's precious insight https://www.actualized.org/insights/political-winter-in-america Political Winter In America By Leo Gura - January 20, 2025 Winter is here. Very dark times have come for America. The American political situation is not just bad, it’s very bad. People still do not comprehend the monstrosity and corruption that they have unleashed. People are still treating this as a game, as business as usual, but the consequences of authoritarianism will soon dawn. But do not lose your mind. It is more important than ever to be clear-minded and poised. Paranoia, anxiety, exaggeration, and fantasies of doom are not a solution. It is unclear how exactly things will play out, but what is clear is that America is lost in a severe, delusional group-think — a madness of crowds — and there will be serious negative consequences for this. A reign of chaos, abuse of power, cruelty, and staggering corruption is at hand. I recommend that you be very careful with your money in the years to come. Do not fall for the hype around crypto and the markets. Secure whatever wealth you have as best you can in the most solid and dependable ways. Now is not the time for speculation and profit-seeking, it is the time to safeguard from chaos and collective delusion. Button up the loose ends of your life, stop playing games, arise from your comfortable daze, so that you are alert and prepared for serious and turbulent times. This is not a drill. This is the real thing.

Insert.

I finally found a perfect profile image which reminds me of my childhood in the summer rain. https://openart.ai/community/2HD5kHMvWQ8QPfNbpIis

https://openart.ai/community/9JzWJ4q1nEuRYjstHjZA

Exactly. In fact ancestors survived through ages and ages because of their robust diet and they were hunter gatherers.

Well said

https://www.actualized.org/forum/profile/31225-buck-edwards/content/ M A

Morning has started good.

I don't want to deal with the forum anymore. I just want to keep to my journals and my husband. Peace.

I'll not talk to anyone on the forum except my husband. I'm too frustrated by the turn of events. I didn't deserve it.

I'll not participate in the forum anymore. Firm decision.

Woke up just now. Wasn't feeling that great. I didn't have nightmares which is a great thing. Last night I cried and vented my frustrations and spoke to myself in the bathroom. My trauma was overwhelming. In the end I decided to use technology to block things so I don't have to read stuff.

Fresh news. TikTok officially banned in the US by Trump. However TikTok can negotiate the ban. This is an ongoing news, changes are possible so keep checking news for further updates.

@Lucasxp64 thanks for explaining pickup. I abandoned that journal.

I always felt like I met people who never understood me truly. They stereotyped me, cocooned me, Jailed me in their mental prisons. Some people were disappointed in me, people I can never impress no matter how hard I tried, not that trying to impress anyone ever makes any sense to begin with. When we don't get the love we want, we find coping mechanisms, don't we? Some people got upset at me because I didn't give them myself completely, they could not realize my failures, they judged my harshness as a betrayal of trust, some people lamented at me, some people were desperate to grab me, I met all kinds of people from time to time, some disappointed and look at me with contempt and disdain because they don't want to favor me, some people mad at me because I don't wish to favor them. On both ends I became a victim of their opinions, whether I liked it or not. Nobody truly cared for what I felt, how I felt, what I wanted, how I wanted. It's like my autonomy did not matter. Someone's lack of approval hurt me. My coldness hurt others. On both sides there was misunderstanding. Misunderstanding that I never got a chance to resolve. Because both parties don't want to hear. The first ones think that I can never deserve better, the second ones dispute that all my reasoning are just weird excuses to my true nature. The first ones, I cannot impress, the second ones I cannot convince. The first ones, whose love I'll never receive, the second ones whose love will never matter. In all of this mental conflicts of human needs and judgements, I try to find my place.. Where am l? I'm in the middle being dragged on both sides, side to side. I don't know what to conform to. I get blamed on both sides, though no fault of my own. One side I'll always fail to impress and the other that always fail to empathize me. It's hard and harsh living sandwiched between the two. My soul craves liberation. My soul is a bird. I don't wish to be trapped. I want to feel free. I want to feel loved. I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to feel controlled and owned. With one I crave love and acceptance. With the other I crave freedom and space. My femininity sadly never understood and obscured into darkness.

You just have to rely on technology.

Pats myself. Feels much better now.