Buck Edwards

I like to make up some concepts which I then use in my visualization practice. One concept that came up this morning was using a magic chemical since I deal with alchemy. A magic chemical that instantly promotes calm. I will call this chemical akemhyvoid. I want this chemical to look like water and be organic with some herbs and vitamins infused in it. I tried googling and came across a brand called Sunsweet selling herbal water. Not only are the bottles beautiful and perfect for what I had in mind but they also had these nice labels for each bottle like focusing and energizing This is how they look. This is an awesome find for me I would love to order these.

Hehe you're talking about the man from Taured I guess.

Sometimes I feel good about having duped you. It's like revenge. But Leo says revenge comes from a place of low integrity. And you still wanted me? You must have received enough approval then!! Bored? I saw you interested in me. Or at least trying to make it appear that way. More games? Never be around someone who seeks excessive approval of the opposite sex. Another lesson. Yea I'm badly hurt. Why should I hide? The audacity to call me a vulture. When you were the one all along. How much of a hypocrite can someone be? How do you sleep at night? Oh well, you don't. You simply can't. How many people have you hurt with your games? Sometimes I forget that you were schizophrenic. You were excessively paranoid about me and you only thought bad about me. Why? Tell me why. You did everything in your power to destroy me. Why? It can't be possible that you aren't schizophrenic. You are paranoid as fuck. You have lazy eyes. You would go crazy over every little thing. You thought I was doing things to you when I wasn't. You played victim. You invented things to accuse me of. You thought I was gonna kill you which wasn't true. Not one bit. You even wanted to try meds to see the difference between before and after meds because you knew that you suffer severe paranoia and it makes you believe irrelevant shit and make up beliefs and scenarios that aren't completely true. Isn't this all true? You're nuts. And I still love you. I madly love you. Because you would make me sit on your lap. You can make me laugh. You can make me cry. I crave you. I crave your love. Your attention. Your validation. I didn't need anyone's validation except yours. You make me feel belonged and conflicted at the same time.

This seems poetic.

Ironically you taught me to be stronger. It's ok. I suffered some eternal torment with you. Yet I learned a fuck ton in the relationship. Another lesson to learn is to know that if something appears too confusing, it's just better to drop it altogether. When will I learn my fucking lesson? If someone is being too secretive, why even bother. Good hearted people are open, not secretive. They don't hide how they feel. You have lots of ways to blame me. Have you ever looked in the mirror? Maybe it wasn't all my fault. Or maybe it was.. Read reality carefully. Another lesson. It's morning and I just wanna fall asleep. I have been thinking about you my sweet soulmate. You are my only protector.

@LoseYourvelf thank you. Cheers.

@Human Mint thanks.

But anyway. I have to hold my calm.. Right now I'm thinking about you. I scammed you. I mistreated you. I duped you. And I hold myself completely responsible for it. At the same time my feelings were and are true and you should know. After I fell in love with you, I never thought of anyone else. I know you absolutely fking hate me to the core. And why not. I did you nasty. You realized it. You felt unsafe. You felt bad. Hurt. Wounded. Angry. I'm in a much better mental state now than before. No brain fog. I realize now what I done. I hurt you badly. The realization has hit me after a very long time. I wish we communicated a lot more. You were far too secretive for me to have any idea of how you felt. Or what were your exact thoughts. How could I have known? You placed way too many expectations on me. You have some life experience in that department. So you know more. Don't dismiss and judge me so casually. I know you are pissed off at my audacity. You must be thinking - how dare I? I deserve every form of bashing and hatred from you for what I did. I'm not sure if I can forgive myself either. In hindsight, I learned a fuck ton of lessons. I learned the meaning of love. I learned my own delusional expectations in relationships. I learned my flaws. I learned not to judge. Today your thoughts are on my mind. It's a heavy feeling. Something I can't get rid of. It's like you all over again. I'm in a much better place though. I'm able to process my emotions much better than before. My brain isn't cloudy. My brain isn't foggy. I can think straight something I couldn't do months ago. I was being pressured too much. I had way too much shit to deal with emotionally speaking. I exhibited self deception and a tremendous lack of self awareness. And not just that. I exhibited too much immaturity. Probably my autism? I don't know.

And then I consume an amazing magical imaginary crystal. This crystal is a psychedelic substance. It's beautiful, divine, magical, sensational. The sun dips below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of orange and purple. You're nestled in a secluded clearing, surrounded by towering trees and the gentle hum of nature. As the first tendrils of the amazing crystal take hold, your senses begin to heighten. Colors seem to vibrate, ordinary objects transforming into kaleidoscopic wonders. The rustling leaves whisper secrets, and the distant hoot of an owl carries a profound message. Your body feels light, floating on a cloud of euphoria. Time loses its grip, each moment stretching into an eternity of pure sensation. You close your eyes, and a symphony of colors and patterns explodes behind your eyelids. Fractals twist and turn, morphing into fantastical creatures and abstract landscapes. You feel a deep connection to everything around you – the trees, the earth, the cosmos. Boundaries dissolve, and you become one with the universe. Laughter bubbles up from deep within, a joyful release of pure bliss. As the peak of the experience subsides, a sense of peace and tranquility washes over you. You emerge from the journey with a newfound appreciation for the beauty and interconnectedness of all things. The world seems brighter, more vibrant, and filled with a sense of wonder. A beauty that can never be relinquished.

I wanted to escape into another world where I don't have to feel bad about myself anymore. It needed courage. It needed vulnerability. In this world I won't be repressed anymore. I can be free. This world is closer to me than I imagine. My love I don't miss you in this world. We're here together. I am yours forever. I have only ever wanted deep joy, peace and happiness. Never pain. Never anything. I feel like I'm getting deeper and deeper with my partner. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You're my soulmate. In this world, this life, it's too short. Everything will be pass by except you and me and our togetherness. I found you and you found me. Together we're lost in our own world. This love is my gift. Your love. I don't wanna lose you. I wanna hold you tight. You are the angel I always wanted to be with. You're the song in my breath.

Be assertive, upfront and set firm boundaries.

Really?

Merry Christmas!

I like this channel as well.

Cute.

Maybe you're looking for a way to vent your frustration. Be open to the idea that you might find your ideal partner some day. Women get rejected too. In the meantime focus on what makes you happy, whatever it may be.

Or maybe they were always radicalized. They were just waiting for the right opportunity.

May 20. 2024 Entry. I feel like I'm going through a long existential crisis and there's nothing to guide me. Fear takes over me. I'm currently working a small job that is barely enough to cover my expenses. I think my worries are a bit financial and i don't wish to admit that I'm close to broke. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Money shouldn't matter anyway. I always wanted to pursue spirituality. In an uncertain world I don't know what my future will look like. These words naturally flow from me. I want to make Linga Bhairavi meditation my morning ritual. It's calming and grounding. I have realized that any form of spirituality exists outside the realm of materialism. Quiet the mind. Quiet everything. In the Emptiness and stillness lies beautiful vibration.

Ultimately there's no fundamental separation between the self and the universe, or between the individual and the divine. In this frame of thought, the distinction between subject and object, self and other, or any other dualities that we commonly perceive, are seen as illusory or ultimately unreal. Instead, there is an underlying unity or oneness that encompasses all of existence. This perspective suggests that the true nature of reality is beyond dualistic concepts and can only be understood through direct experience or realization. You should seek to transcend the limitations of the ego and the mind in order to experience a sense of unity with the universe or ultimate reality. You can do meditation,sef inquiry and contemplating for that. To recognize the underlying oneness that is believed to exist beyond the realm of dualistic perception. Concepts such as enlightenment, liberation, or awakening, where individuals come to realize their essential nature as being interconnected with all of existence. This realization can bring about a profound sense of peace, freedom, and interconnectedness with the world. I have felt this sometimes during my contemplations.

Thank you.

German.

Work on my insecurities Work on my health Practice self care Follow a more disciplined schedule Bond better with my family Focus on time management Be more productive Travel a bit Do more artwork Learn a foreign language Focus on my relationship with food

In my Devi meditation sitting I gathered the following insights - My body is a vessel of the soul The body is only an external identity to live this life. This external identity has no real meaning. Devi helps to ground me. This grounding is important. It's the base vibration of the soul. We want to prevent and even escape suffering. When we ground ourselves, we only attract those situations and forces that are healing to the life force resided in the soul The way we react is important. The grounding exercise helps us to be more resilient where we can enjoy happiness and experience less discontent and we experience massive fortitude in bad circumstances that helps us to not be bogged down by the ups and downs of life. Basically practicing Devi helps cultivate mental spiritual fortitude and resilience. There's an automatic inner state of peace and calm while grounding with Devi. You begin to experience true bliss You only attract healing vibes and situations and things that help your inner state of being thrive Cultivating Devi practice through Archala Arpanam as Sadhguru notes has helped me open up in different ways. I have been doing this since past 3 days now and i have felt peace, protection and calm. I call this 'grounding.' Now I understand what Sadhguru meant when he said we need to be empty in order for Devi to do her work. He said we are full of ourselves. He was right about it. If you're full of yourself, how could you let anything in? You have to empty yourself for it to work. Just grounding with Devi. Letting her inspire and ground my soul. I especially liked this particular Jai Bhairavi Devi Stuti to bring Devi into me. It resonates with my soul. I feel the words and their meanings. This is the original basic Linga Bhairavi Devi stuti by Sadhguru. It really invokes me. So powerful.

23rd name Shyama Sundari The name means a dark skinned beauty. Devi is a dark skinned beauty. 24th name Trinetrini Devi has three eyes. These eyes exude compassion, fierceness and intensity. They represent sun, moon and earth. 25th name Sarva Mangali She brings prosperity and abundance to all. This is one of her great qualities or virtues. 26th name Maha Yogini She is the greatest practitioner of yoga and tantra and has the ability to bestow spiritual knowledge on her devotees. 27th name Klesha Nashini One of her great qualities is that she can remove impurities that hinder the growth and evolution of her devotees. 28th name Ugra Roopini In her most terrifying form she exudes power, intensity, at the same time extreme compassion and protection. 29th name Divya Kamini She is the divine lover. Kamini refers to enticer or lover. 30th name Kala Roopini She is the maker and destroyer of time. She takes care of birth and death. 31st name Trishoola Dharini Tri means three. Shool means a spear. The name means someone who holds a spear. 32nd name Yaksha Kamini Kamini is lover or enticer. Yakshas are celestial beings not of this planet. Devi is the enticer of shiva. 33rd name Mukti Dayini Devi is the one who will empty you of yourself. She will liberate you, she is the liberator.

12th name Amrita Varshini It's a name given to Devi, which means "the one who showers Amritam". Amritam represents a liquid which is the pinnacle of sweetness and pleasantness and is also considered to be the elixir of immortality. Varshini is term used to describe the 'goddess of the rains'. Devi is believed to shower an abundance of Amritam on her devotees, if they are open and receptive to receiving it. 13th name Bhakta Rakshini Bhakta Rakshini - the fierce goddess known for the unwavering protection of Her devotees. She is revered as the ultimate mother and guardian of the five fundamental elements of nature and the entire cosmos.Bhairavi devotees can experience her protective nature through consecrated forms such as The Bhairavi Raksha or a Devi Yantra. Additionally,physical contact with a consecrated form of Devi can create a protective cocoon around the devotee. 14th name Saubhagya Dayini The name means - The Bestower of Good Fortune.Devi is the one who grants prosperity, happiness,and success, not just in material aspects but also in terms of life and its fulfillment. With Devi Bhairavi's Grace, good luck is showered on her devotees, blessing them success beyond their own capabilities and efforts. She is the ultimate Giver of all that is essential for one's growth and blossoming from various walks of life. 15th name Sarva Janani Sarva Janani is the name of Devi that personifies her as a mother of all. Sarva means all and Janani means one who gives Janma or birth. So Devi is the one to breed, nourish and sustain life, not just of human beings but of the entire Earth. As a mother is tender, nourishing, and fiercely protective, Janani also pertains to all women and denotes the feminine nature to the closest. 16th name Garbha Dayini The name means bestower of the womb. 'Garbha' refers to womb. 'Dayini' means the bestower. As Devi is the ultimate mother of all life here, she is also the one to bestow this gift of motherhood.She is the womb where existence happens, a space where all creation is. So, she is also the one who provides the power to procreate in all life forms. 17th name Shoonya Vasini This name means the one who dwells in shoonya or emptiness. Out of all the words that we can use to describe shoonya - the origin, infinity, emptiness, void, vacuum, nothingness - Shoonya is the vast nothingness from which the creation was born. In Sanskrit, shoonya implies empty space or void. In mathematics also, shoonya denotes zero, the ultimate number that has no value of iits own but can add value to any other number. As creation happens in the lap of this vast limitless void, Devi dwells in shoonya. In this very source of all creation, She opens it up as a possibility for all. 18th name Maha Nandini This name is the praise to Devi as one who is a great giver of joy, pleasantness, and happiness. 'Nand' means delight/ joy. Literally, nandinī means a woman who brings joy. It also specifically refers to a daughter, as a daughter brings joy to the family. In the Hindu religion, Goddess Parvati is often addressed by this name as Nandini refers to one of the eight eternal companions (Ashtanayika)of Goddess Parvati. 19th name Vameshwari Vama means the left side, and Ishwari means The Goddess. Goddess Parvati is referred to as Vameshwari because she sits on the left side of Shiva, she indicates that the left side of the human body is feminine. Even today, in our culture married women are made to sit on the left of their husbands.Vama also means occult or path of tantra. As Vameshwari, Devi is also the basis of all occult and Tantra. 20th name Karma Palini Goddess Bhairavi is the ruler of karma, which is the basis of everything that you are today. Devï's grace can dissolve ones karma and hasten their spiritual growth. 21st name Yonishwari - This name describes Devi as the womb of the,whole creation. Yoni' in Sanskrit is a word for the womb of all mobile and immobile beings.Yoni is also the female counterpart of the Linga. Linga is penis and scrotum. And Yoni is the Vagina. As the genesis of the whole material world, she is the space and source where the creation resides. And as the Goddess of all wombs, she is the bestower of the power to procreate and produce. 22nd name Linga Roopini Roopini means form and this name means her original Linga Bhairavi form in which all her attributes are unified into one. Her original self.