Buck Edwards

Tipton County, in West Tennessee. Close to nature. Or Blue ridge, north Carolina near asheville.

Even till my last breath, I kept building this vessel. Why? We are gods agents. There are images that come to my mind like that of a cow. A cow gives milk. I'm a book. A book you can read. My life is a book. I'm a book. I'm a book. I'm a vessel. I'm a book. I'm a vessel. There's existential inertia that blocks me from being a book. Just a little something I want to be so I can have that sliver of meaningfulness infused in my life. Every life has meaning inherently, even that homeless man on the streets of new York, literally every life is divinely sacred. Why does a brightly lit room make me so happy. I can look at this room for hours and not get tired. It's because it's a Vessel. A room definitely feels like a vessel. A log cabin is also a vessel. We're all looking for that flow state. The state of blur. The thing that just passes by and you don't notice. You can't capture time or experiences. A belief however stays longer. What is a vessel? A vessel is a.... A vessel can be anything. A vessel can be a log cabin. A vessel can be a room. A vessel can be a book. A vessel can be a tree. A vessel can be a cow. A vessel can be a neon goby. A vessel can be a bird. A vessel can be a vase, a jar. Anything can be a vessel. Why do I call these vessels? Because they serve some purpose. A log cabin keeps you warm. Even a teacup is a vessel. A bird helps in spreading seeds thus causing plants to grow. A cow helps with milk. A book is something you read and gain from. A vessel contains water, think of a pot. A cup of tea warms you up for the day. A tree provides nuts and shade. A tree provides oxygen. A tree helps the whole ecosystem. A jar stores marmalade or wine for winter. Imagine yourself as an ancient charging tower. A tall charging tower where all the phones of the world are plugged into you and you're practically charging all the phones on the planet, literally all the phones. How do you feel now? Yes. Yes. Yes, You're a battery charger. You're not a human, you're a book, you're a vessel, you're a battery charger. You're nothing, yet profound simply by your presence. This is your sacredness. Did you understand now? You're the energy of the vessel. You're divine and sacred as you are. You charge the world. You're the vessel to carry the energy. All suffering shall pass. This is your satsang. I have been following Sadhguru a lot these days. He is the only one for me. The only guru currently. I don't know why. But he resonates the most and Linga bhairavi of course. What If I thought of myself as the battery charger. The energy vessel. I should have made a small shrine for just Linga Bhairavi. Now I don't have an option. Linga bhairavi is the amalgamation of both internal non entropy and external non entropy. That's par excellence. I felt Devi during my obe. Her intense glare descended on me. She made me feel warm and protected. Devi should take me in. Absorb me and make me one with Devi. I'm the vessel. Now I really feel it. I understand now why Sadhguru follows Devi. Devi is very powerful. She does appear in my obe experience. This life is an opportunity to experience and explore infinite love. And one shouldn't miss it. That's how I look at it.

Sometimes you invest your energy into wrong sources. There's nothing inherently evil. Just what I believe. ................................. Samadhi works but through the gateway of good and evil. ................................ I'm looking forward to integrating purity into my practice. Also I want to stay away from the world in general. I think that spiritual communities can cause a ton of harm. ................................. I don't know what made me write this. But I write it with a heavy heart. Like any other thing that comes with it's own set of pros and cons, spiritual communities aren't exempt from drawbacks either. I'm not specifically talking about forums although forums are a fraction of it. I'm just saying communities in general. I have reached a point where I'm seriously contemplating whether being a part of a larger community is really worth it if the results aren't really there and if things are just getting worse with the illusion that you're on a spiritual path and you are achieving something when in reality millions of people with mental and physical problems turn to spirituality only for bypassing their real issues, are barely able to cope through life and end up being and doing worse when they get on the spiritual path. They start to rot and lose interest in life and daily activities once they begin to live in a solipsistic bubble. Instead of thriving, they start rapidly degrading. The consequences can be anywhere from suicide to mental illness to death or just living like a zombie. I'm sure people in the past have also expressed such a sentiment on this forum before. It's a routine thing, not to mention the problem of false teachings. Things that degrade your mental well being or just take you on a path of disillusionment. You gotta do the math yourself. Are you in this for the better or are things genuinely not turning out to be the way they should. I was barely 9 years old when I first started with spirituality. I haven't come very far because life came in between. I devoted a significant portion of my life in chasing delusions (let's put it that way). I suffered autism at a young age and in my preteens I was obsessed with spirituality and religion. I always thought I was looking for something, searching for something, there was this existential crisis like thing going on with me. I was often at my wits end. Don't get me wrong. I derived a lot of benefit from this forum itself. Leo's teachings, his videos on personal development were a great starting point. But there's a problem. Everything is not so hunky dory. I still think that I suffered a bit in the process and not in a good way. It's like "invited" suffering. I don't know if this is the inherent nature of spiritual work. But I went through phases of insanity. But so far not so stellar results. I have significant mental illness. I don't know if that's interfering with my spiritual stuff. One thing I casually noticed in spiritual communities is the huge problem of spiritual ego. People fight a lot over what's right or wrong. There's a certain dogmatism that accompanies it. This downgrades the whole spiritual process significantly. This is not alien to any community, it's to be found in every spiritual community. Be careful with what you decide to put your energy into. I have suffered significantly. What principles should an ideal spiritual community adhere to? I think these are the principles I came up with that in my opinion a spiritual community should be able to reflect. Uplifting each other Keeping harmony Polite behavior Reduction in negativity Encouraging open mindedness Healing each other Non judgement attitude Peace keeping Thoughtful debating No one-upping No cult like rules Respect for everyone Working on behaviors Video conferencing and meet ups. Face to face interactions are better Flattened hierarchies No us versus them narrative No messiah complex Discouraging gaslighting Encouraging extensive communication Discouraging dogmatism Fostering understanding and mutual harmony Showing love Embodying values Working on integrity and character Fostering forgiveness Fostering mercy Fostering kindness Raising each other's vibration Encouraging emotional maturity Keeping community tight knit Cutting down spiritual ego Providing a safe space Not preying on vulnerability Extending support to people who suffer more Having a judgement free zone Fostering compassion Dissolution of separation Fostering Unity Empathetic environment Minimum use of power Encouraging free expression Valuing one another Not demonizing Embodiment of love One of the key foundations for life is self-awareness. Understanding ourselves, our strengths, weaknesses, values, and motivations – is crucial for personal growth and development. Self-awareness allows us to make informed choices that align with our authentic selves, rather than being swayed by external influences or societal expectations. It provides us with the clarity and insight needed to pursue our passions, set meaningful goals, and cultivate healthy relationships. Another essential foundation for life is resilience. Life is filled with challenges, setbacks, and disappointments, and resilience is what enables us to bounce back from adversity and continue moving forward. Resilience is the ability to adapt to change, overcome obstacles, and persevere in the face of adversity. It is a mindset that embraces challenges as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than insurmountable barriers. gratitude is a foundational value too, that enriches our lives and enhances our well-being. and define our purpose.. A small insignificant model I can follow everyday is the principle->action->outcome. Everything starts with a principle. Have a morning ritual or a morning habit. One thing that really gives me a kick are animal videos. Animals and predators in hot pursuit of prey. I work in a yarn factory but I need a better job with slightly more income. I don't plan on hoarding wealth, I don't want to. I want to spend a lot of my time doing spiritual stuff. But I sometimes wonder if developing a core foundation of my life will give me better prospects for higher stuff. Yesterday I gifted myself a diary so I can write a bit about my struggles with autism and foundational stuff. I'm thinking about going on a retreat in a log cabin. I just wish to shut off everything for a while. How would that life be? I want to maintain some early morning rituals. Focus music. I need to ask myself productivity based questions. One is achieving the flow state. I also need to consistently raise my standards on how I want things to be done and prioritize my mental state to always have an optimum state of mind and a state of flow. So the first thing definitely was principle>action>outcome. Entering flow states. Name 3 random positive actions I did today. Name 3 directed positive actions I did today. Name 3 powerful insights that you had today. Name 4 excuses that you gave today. If there's an outcome then there is success.. We do things because we want to see changes in ourselves. Sometimes we don't have the resources to do so. Sometimes we can't make good of the resources we already have. Some part of this forum is really esoteric. I don't understand some of the terms or should I say language. It can be confusing and sometimes misleading. You have to come down to the nitty gritty of things. I believe that reality is beyond our grasp. And if something is good for you, it will always be good for you. You won't have to regret it. Focus on what's traditional or basic. What works for you? It's your own greed that makes you chase your own tail? Don't be in the habit of always wanting more. Give more, take less. But take whatever is constructive. I'll contemplate on this. This forum is full of Spiritual Ego's and not in a healthy empowering way, if you notice the questions raised repeat themselves many times over, your not real, life is imaginary, God is all there is, sort of stuff, it really gets one nowhere, its someone just philosophizing in away, and philosophy is not so good to identify with since there are presently 8 billion different philosophies in the world today, everyone has one,, It basically our Intellects going out of control, this is rampant all over he world in many different areas of life, it will kill all of us eventually if we don't stop it, first within ourselves then world wide hopefully someday.. Just work on yourself, improve everyday in one area, drop a limitation every week, soon there will be none left... Just work on yourself, improve everyday in one area, drop a limitation every week, soon there will be none left... I can work on other areas of life. And i do a good a job at that. I don't want to lose my basics. But I'm looking for the cherry on top. Been looking for years now. Still a little destabilized while looking for it. Lucid dreaming does help me a shit ton. But I need something more rigid. If there's a 1% growth in my mental state, clarity, presence of mind, flow state, productivity, spiritual essence, minimalism, consciousness, infinite love, vibration and healing quantum that I'll admire that sort of an interaction. Positive affirmations for Foundations I have had a 3 % increase in my productivity in last 4 days. I have had a 1% increase in my productivity in last two days. I'm busy building my foundation. What are you naturally drawn to? What's your inner monologue? Cut down materialism completely You don't need anything at all.. Your mind is supreme. You need nothing material. Your mind doesn't cost money or any material possession at all. Your mind is a canvas. And this is the biggest advantage at your disposal, your own mind. It's like clay. You can shape it anyhow you want. Positive affirmations for Foundations I'm not broken. I'm a vessel of hope. The world tries to break you with its rules. Ironically this brings you closer to yourself. Reality cannot be controlled by humans or man made laws and so all these rules to discipline (especially without love) are futile. They will never work and they increasingly come from an egoic place. The world and it's contents don't help you discover the soul, it sabotages the soul and breaks the vessel mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. You're living the wrong way all your life. Saying thank you before eating. That helps because I'm feeding a vessel. Everything, everyday, eternally The purpose of the vessel is to connect with God. This doesn't require anything. I'm not sure if I'm going into esoteric blah blah. Anything that builds your vessel is good. Anything that breaks your vessel is bad. Kindness builds the vessel. It's simply surrendering to the absolute essence of peace. Nudging my ship forward bit by bit. Not trying to conquer anything. I don't want to go into paranoid states. It was literally the worst state of mind to be in. It made me become the worst version of myself. Literally. Posted on May 18. 2024. I want to build my foundations. I definitely want to. But at the same time I want an ardent spiritual practice to occupy a prominent position in my lifespace. I don't even call it life anymore. I call it lifespace. And heck I wanna do a lot of visualizations. This space wakes me up in a heartbeat. Nothing to worry. All chummy. I began living deep in the forests, high up in the mountains, somewhere in a log cabin. And suddenly I felt disconnected from all of reality. It was like eating dark chocolate. The lucidity of thought. The thoughtlessness of reality. Reality snowballs into a thick fog of meaningless traps that serve nobody's purpose.

https://i.postimg.cc/PpwTr03h/parad-shivling.gif https://i.postimg.cc/PpwTr03h/parad-shivling.gif Evil is not the presence of something but rather the absence of something. Evil is the absence of trust, love, strength, kindness, humility, spirit, And so evil is self decaying and usually futile.

Wherever you are, think of your dreams Oh please, remember life ain't always what it seems For each rainy day (rainy day) That comes your way The sun will come shining and you'll be okay Keep on smiling, every girl and boy Remember when you were children you had toys Wherever you are, think of your dreams Remember that dreams become the life you lead Don’t you hate it when you sleep for eight hours and still can’t get out of bed. still tired and wanting to sink in that bed. yet others live off two or three hours of sleep and feel fine the next day. In the factory I was working beside a guy who said he had a great sleep yet couldn’t stop passing out on the line. he told me years ago he almost died right here from OD’ing on opiates. Now he was dying right in front of me from tiredness. I had two hours of sleep. felt alright. Soon got a headache, and the black under my eyes was still there but I was feeling alright. Tiredness, The slow drag of life walking by. This all ending never beginning, Time after time. No gumption or motion, To bring forth arising devotion. To perspire and prepare for the upcoming road ahead, No energy left. Feeling dead, So tired and exhausted. Rather stay in bed. Why does my body rebel against my wishes to walk or to talk to tidy my house to wander the world or work? Do I really need to sleep to dive so deep beneath the waves of the day to run so far away I am tired of my rants like a millions hammers pounding away in my brain constant chatter drowns sanity expectations love and affection comfort insecurities and misadventures regrets lost and found a million lives not lived what could be and what is hauntings and remembrances shadows looming large on today today that is not perfect perfection that is just in mind mind on verge of lunacy constant screams drowned in the agonizing void void that is my life If you ask me how I am doing I will always reply, "I am tired". Every breath I take wastes the energy I don't have. I wake up in the mornings With imaginary chains pulling me down Into a comfortable wave of blankets, Demanding I stay for a little while longer. My eyelids don't get any heavier, They get lonely. They spend their nights kissing my cheeks, And during the days they only get swift visits. So I stay in my bed as long as I can to make them happy. As the world goes on, And I am here, We seem to forget about each other, And that makes me happy. The anxiety they give me is being washed away By the softness that surrounds me, And I am not tired. I am not wasting my energy on Fake smiles, Or talking To people who don't know what is actually going on in my mind. I stay in bed as long I can. I was lonely anyways, Atleast this way I can insure A part of me Would never be. Why does my body rebel against my wishes to walk or to talk to tidy my house to wander the world or work? Do I really need to sleep to dive so deep beneath the waves of the day to run so far away Oh, Sleepless Night Oh sleepless night What a trick on me you play! For the reason I cannot sleep Is because I anticipate the day We build our day up To have it elapse at night But how too often a time I experience A continuance through the night Oh how unfair to me you see For nighttime is a break much overlooked Because I walk through the day quite sleepily Which is difficult in a day so overbooked Sleeping figures Rejuvenating minds Your mind is cultivating in peace While my face is forming lines Oh how I wish I didn’t get so worked up I expected this to happen Which ironically is the reason My tiredness has been dampened I lay in bed, ready Ready to try this out A pleasant sleep is all I wanted Without completely passing out How I get so jealous when You lay there and drift to rest While I’m dealing with two polar issues-- Either abruptly collapse into sleep or else from it slowly digress Oh sleepless night, you tease me so You fool with me and upset me so For when thinking of tomorrow I surely know I’m not going to be as lively as my potential. So let’s face it, tomorrow I’ll be miserable And I’ll look forward to when the clock strikes night But then the hours I have will become considerable So I’ll lay there restlessly and drift away just before the light. So I’ll get a taste of what sleeps like But I’ll never get to experience it right. Oh you cruel, mean sleepless night! Where dwells your brother so known as the “Goodnight”? https://www.prophet666.com/2013/04/hindu-mantra-to-destroy-evil-2.html?m=1 I've been feeling a bit dull now. No idea why. Been trying to work through things.

Reviving this journal. This journal was cool and I don't feel like abandoning it. I wrote it quite a while ago.

@bmcnicho do you use Hawaiian wood rose sometimes?

Much love my love.

What if someone is physically abused and they suffer ptsd as a result and have panic attacks for the rest of their lives?

@Hojo I think with physical abuse there's some degree of mental abuse inherent to it. Because when you tolerate someone hitting you, it impacts your self esteem and makes you feel vulnerable, fragile, helpless, unable to fight back and humiliated as well as scared of future attacks. Living in that anxiety constantly over future attacks is already a form of mental destruction and slow spiralling into depression, self neglect and self harm.

I once called someone close to me an asshole because I was really angry at them. I don't know if that counts as abuse. I do feel guilty about that incident. But at the same time I was really emotionally volatile in that situation and there was legit reason for me to be upset.

I think the best example of toxic red is Andrew Tate and the best example of toxic orange is Elon Musk.

Merry Christmas to the most wonderful man in my life.

You can also take practical steps to end suffering. For example someone quitting a toxic relationship.

A woman's mental and emotional abuse can cause a lot of harm to the partner. She might not be physically threatening. But she can be mentally exhausting, drama creating and emotionally abusive and that can make a man depressed and even suicidal. Often female abuse doesn't get talked about and is usually pushed under the rug especially if the female is attractive. Pretty privileges.

Yea.

Using condoms seems to be the go to solution. But what about oral sex then?

In many countries police arrest without any violence and cops don't die either. I wonder why.

@integral nice.

It sounds like you've experienced a significant setback in your personal growth journey, and it's understandable that you're feeling lost and frustrated. The experiences you described, such as the bad trips, the police arrest, and the tumultuous relationship, likely caused significant trauma. Trauma can have profound and long-lasting effects on the mind and body, impacting your emotional regulation, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships. You mentioned that you weren't very in touch with your emotions before your descent. Now, it seems that you're grappling with a surge of intense emotions, both positive and negative. These emotions may be overwhelming and difficult to manage, leading to self-destructive behaviors. The "mean entity" from your DMT trip and the internalized criticism you experience may be contributing to a negative self-image and low self-esteem. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, making it difficult to break free from negative patterns. Your relentless efforts to "get back on track" may be counterproductive. Trying too hard can lead to exhaustion, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness. While therapy can be helpful, it's crucial to find a therapist who is a good fit for you and who specializes in trauma-informed care. You can find that one. Instead of focusing on what you're "doing wrong," practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that you're going through a difficult time and that healing takes time.These methods can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. They can also help you cultivate a sense of inner peace and calm.Consider seeking out a therapist specializing in trauma-informed care. They can help you process past experiences, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild your sense of self. You have to remove the trauma stored in your body. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that help you feel good in your body. Instead of trying to "get back to where you were," focus on small, achievable goals. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. I do this often. I call it the reward technique.

Get into a relationship with a monogamous person. Tell them to get checked. Don't sleep if they don't wanna get checked. I understand your concern. It's legit. I used to be afraid of dating because of this. I always thought I might end up with someone who might lie about having std and that was a huge fear although I never wanted to sleep with many men. Now I found a monogamous partner and I'm carefree that I don't have to worry about such thing anymore. Even many men lie about having stds and I know a few women who acquired stds by sleeping with their boyfriends. It's the worst experience I must say. But the only real solution is to find monogamous partners and people who are ready to be checked. I mean those are responsible people.

If anyone has had experience with lexapro and Abilify in combination, let me know. I want to know if I want to continue taking it. My psychiatrist prescribed it for my anxiety, depression, autism and mood swings. Let me know if it helped you in some way and to what extent it has helped you with your symptoms.