Buck Edwards

Wherever you are, think of your dreams Oh please, remember life ain't always what it seems For each rainy day (rainy day) That comes your way The sun will come shining and you'll be okay Keep on smiling, every girl and boy Remember when you were children you had toys Wherever you are, think of your dreams Remember that dreams become the life you lead Don’t you hate it when you sleep for eight hours and still can’t get out of bed. still tired and wanting to sink in that bed. yet others live off two or three hours of sleep and feel fine the next day. In the factory I was working beside a guy who said he had a great sleep yet couldn’t stop passing out on the line. he told me years ago he almost died right here from OD’ing on opiates. Now he was dying right in front of me from tiredness. I had two hours of sleep. felt alright. Soon got a headache, and the black under my eyes was still there but I was feeling alright. Tiredness, The slow drag of life walking by. This all ending never beginning, Time after time. No gumption or motion, To bring forth arising devotion. To perspire and prepare for the upcoming road ahead, No energy left. Feeling dead, So tired and exhausted. Rather stay in bed. Why does my body rebel against my wishes to walk or to talk to tidy my house to wander the world or work? Do I really need to sleep to dive so deep beneath the waves of the day to run so far away I am tired of my rants like a millions hammers pounding away in my brain constant chatter drowns sanity expectations love and affection comfort insecurities and misadventures regrets lost and found a million lives not lived what could be and what is hauntings and remembrances shadows looming large on today today that is not perfect perfection that is just in mind mind on verge of lunacy constant screams drowned in the agonizing void void that is my life If you ask me how I am doing I will always reply, "I am tired". Every breath I take wastes the energy I don't have. I wake up in the mornings With imaginary chains pulling me down Into a comfortable wave of blankets, Demanding I stay for a little while longer. My eyelids don't get any heavier, They get lonely. They spend their nights kissing my cheeks, And during the days they only get swift visits. So I stay in my bed as long as I can to make them happy. As the world goes on, And I am here, We seem to forget about each other, And that makes me happy. The anxiety they give me is being washed away By the softness that surrounds me, And I am not tired. I am not wasting my energy on Fake smiles, Or talking To people who don't know what is actually going on in my mind. I stay in bed as long I can. I was lonely anyways, Atleast this way I can insure A part of me Would never be. Why does my body rebel against my wishes to walk or to talk to tidy my house to wander the world or work? Do I really need to sleep to dive so deep beneath the waves of the day to run so far away Oh, Sleepless Night Oh sleepless night What a trick on me you play! For the reason I cannot sleep Is because I anticipate the day We build our day up To have it elapse at night But how too often a time I experience A continuance through the night Oh how unfair to me you see For nighttime is a break much overlooked Because I walk through the day quite sleepily Which is difficult in a day so overbooked Sleeping figures Rejuvenating minds Your mind is cultivating in peace While my face is forming lines Oh how I wish I didn’t get so worked up I expected this to happen Which ironically is the reason My tiredness has been dampened I lay in bed, ready Ready to try this out A pleasant sleep is all I wanted Without completely passing out How I get so jealous when You lay there and drift to rest While I’m dealing with two polar issues-- Either abruptly collapse into sleep or else from it slowly digress Oh sleepless night, you tease me so You fool with me and upset me so For when thinking of tomorrow I surely know I’m not going to be as lively as my potential. So let’s face it, tomorrow I’ll be miserable And I’ll look forward to when the clock strikes night But then the hours I have will become considerable So I’ll lay there restlessly and drift away just before the light. So I’ll get a taste of what sleeps like But I’ll never get to experience it right. Oh you cruel, mean sleepless night! Where dwells your brother so known as the “Goodnight”? https://www.prophet666.com/2013/04/hindu-mantra-to-destroy-evil-2.html?m=1 I've been feeling a bit dull now. No idea why. Been trying to work through things.

Reviving this journal. This journal was cool and I don't feel like abandoning it. I wrote it quite a while ago.

@bmcnicho do you use Hawaiian wood rose sometimes?

Much love my love.

What if someone is physically abused and they suffer ptsd as a result and have panic attacks for the rest of their lives?

@Hojo I think with physical abuse there's some degree of mental abuse inherent to it. Because when you tolerate someone hitting you, it impacts your self esteem and makes you feel vulnerable, fragile, helpless, unable to fight back and humiliated as well as scared of future attacks. Living in that anxiety constantly over future attacks is already a form of mental destruction and slow spiralling into depression, self neglect and self harm.

I once called someone close to me an asshole because I was really angry at them. I don't know if that counts as abuse. I do feel guilty about that incident. But at the same time I was really emotionally volatile in that situation and there was legit reason for me to be upset.

I think the best example of toxic red is Andrew Tate and the best example of toxic orange is Elon Musk.

Merry Christmas to the most wonderful man in my life.

You can also take practical steps to end suffering. For example someone quitting a toxic relationship.

A woman's mental and emotional abuse can cause a lot of harm to the partner. She might not be physically threatening. But she can be mentally exhausting, drama creating and emotionally abusive and that can make a man depressed and even suicidal. Often female abuse doesn't get talked about and is usually pushed under the rug especially if the female is attractive. Pretty privileges.

Yea.

Using condoms seems to be the go to solution. But what about oral sex then?

In many countries police arrest without any violence and cops don't die either. I wonder why.

@integral nice.

It sounds like you've experienced a significant setback in your personal growth journey, and it's understandable that you're feeling lost and frustrated. The experiences you described, such as the bad trips, the police arrest, and the tumultuous relationship, likely caused significant trauma. Trauma can have profound and long-lasting effects on the mind and body, impacting your emotional regulation, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships. You mentioned that you weren't very in touch with your emotions before your descent. Now, it seems that you're grappling with a surge of intense emotions, both positive and negative. These emotions may be overwhelming and difficult to manage, leading to self-destructive behaviors. The "mean entity" from your DMT trip and the internalized criticism you experience may be contributing to a negative self-image and low self-esteem. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, making it difficult to break free from negative patterns. Your relentless efforts to "get back on track" may be counterproductive. Trying too hard can lead to exhaustion, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness. While therapy can be helpful, it's crucial to find a therapist who is a good fit for you and who specializes in trauma-informed care. You can find that one. Instead of focusing on what you're "doing wrong," practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that you're going through a difficult time and that healing takes time.These methods can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. They can also help you cultivate a sense of inner peace and calm.Consider seeking out a therapist specializing in trauma-informed care. They can help you process past experiences, develop coping mechanisms, and rebuild your sense of self. You have to remove the trauma stored in your body. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that help you feel good in your body. Instead of trying to "get back to where you were," focus on small, achievable goals. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. I do this often. I call it the reward technique.

Get into a relationship with a monogamous person. Tell them to get checked. Don't sleep if they don't wanna get checked. I understand your concern. It's legit. I used to be afraid of dating because of this. I always thought I might end up with someone who might lie about having std and that was a huge fear although I never wanted to sleep with many men. Now I found a monogamous partner and I'm carefree that I don't have to worry about such thing anymore. Even many men lie about having stds and I know a few women who acquired stds by sleeping with their boyfriends. It's the worst experience I must say. But the only real solution is to find monogamous partners and people who are ready to be checked. I mean those are responsible people.

If anyone has had experience with lexapro and Abilify in combination, let me know. I want to know if I want to continue taking it. My psychiatrist prescribed it for my anxiety, depression, autism and mood swings. Let me know if it helped you in some way and to what extent it has helped you with your symptoms.

Abilify does help me with nightmares and with my autism. It increased my suicidal thoughts though.

I don't want to read triggering posts.

Tomorrow is Diwali. A happy day for Hindus.