withinUverse

Alright... I've taken time to let myself settle today... I had a really good conversation with my dad when I first woke up. I thought maybe I needed to get onto the forum to journal, but then I thought maybe I just need to wait until later when there's not so many tv's going. I ended up watching the last three episodes with my dad with a series called "the Invisible City" which I really enjoyed. He said I should go back and watch the first series and what led up to these, but I told him I got what I needed from those shows, but I had a good time watching it with him. I went and just stretched my body listening to some Tibetan flute music and I worked on the bead curtain for my pops. I went to eat at a restaurant by myself and had a great conversation with a guy who was eating alone too. I remembered I'm going to be getting up early tomorrow to take grandma to her church. So I figured I'd just have to start now. What I wanted to do was to go back and review my rant I went on yesterday. I knew I was a little frustrated and it's nice to purge, but I want to gain clarity that I'm not that same person who just accepts where my consciousness is... I mean there's an acceptance, but I also know I can recontextualize and I want to before moving forward. There's a lot that's processing and so I want to gain a better perspective before I continue. I'm going to copy and past so I can start editing like I did last night. I know that I can even redo the edit last night because there's more that I know but I need to process this in the time I need. Lets hightlight the sneaky limited beliefs and also change the exclusive words I used and then gain clarity of the message that's more conscious. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their our current state of consciousness... can they we remember their our awareness has grown? well maybe you I can continue to grow... maybe others we have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their our own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective us onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals us desire to understand their our own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective us. What really could happen with a collect us who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they we are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them us. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective us... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's our intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective we is on your experience. But you I can also gain enough consciousness to know you I have the power to affect the collective our experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's our hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they we intuit for them ourselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their our conscious state should be paramount in their our focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone us when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people we who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people we that know what i'm talking about because theywe've done their our form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective us... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other us... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you us and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective we which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective us and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you we just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective us that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you us too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective us if the collective we doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity! Ok... I'm zoning out... we got a basketball game playing, dads playing his zombie game, and i'm not ready to focus right now... and i feel tired. So i'll leave it and continue when i'm better prepared.

This is exactly what i needed right now... i'm thankful i attracted this opportunity. And I'm going to take advantage as much as I am capable at this point in my life. It's really putting my perspective into a different level and direction. What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing I'm still stuck in my stories of my past, but i don't want to be there. (ok... let's put some music on so i can get into a groove... I'll go ahead and play a song I enjoy and add playlist to it so I can hear new songs too. I want to hear the artist Glass Animals and the song is Gooey... Enjoy!) I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have for others myself, i'm actually talking to myself. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. It feels like I'm channeling... how to explain it is i become a channel and just let whatever is coming through in my mind I speak or do... In ceremonies I could realize that the words I was speaking was to help guide people us that were with me... but it was also messages for myself for me to understand deeper. I know I'm working my way to experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where life becomes ceremony. I'm not conscious of that... or least I'm getting better. I'm realizing that I still have limiting beliefs that are sneaking up in my awareness... that's why i'm getting stuck in the story. I'm wondering if I can try to literally wipe my slate clean. In the back of my mind i'm not sure if it all should wipe clean but i do know that most of my stories can definitely be cleared out. The memories that I want to keep are the messages I've received of the picture or story I want to create deliberately. I want to go back to ceremonies... to get me to where I am I approached it as if i just surrender to the experience... It's so vast and unkown to me that I wanted infinite intelligence to guide me. I felt like I would get the messages I needed at that time and then I can place my focus on that. Only in my last few ceremonies did i start getting messages to put my intention to get a specific result. That's the case with me... it will let me know when i'm ready to focus on that. But again I had separated ceremony from my life. But if i want life to be a ceremony then i need to realize there's no separation. So if i've gotten to a point where i can focus my intention to get a specific result... why am i still surrendering to whatever happens in my life and just respond to it. I'm ready to be more active in leading my life into the vision i want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being unconscious making a vision of my future at that state and the collective we is mostly unconscious... I still need to focus on me before i can really be affective with the collective us. I cannot continue to behave as if i'm still unconscious. That is not the case and I say i'm ready... I'm going to make a more deliberate attempt to make the changes i want to make for myself at this time. I realize that i'm ok holding people's our hands and tip toeing around people us who isn't ready to go as deep as i want to go with them us... I know I am intelligent enough to go deep in many ways without them us knowing what i'm doing but guiding them us nevertheless. When it comes to myself I don't want my hand held and I don't want to tip toe around changes I want. So i'm going to be more strict... My version of strict probably isn't the same as others ours, but I know that my potential is more then what i'm showing now... and i'm tired of playing small. I realize that the individual is affecting the collective us and the collective we is affecting the individual. So i'm more aware of how i'm presenting myself to be an example of a developed consciousness. I want to create conscious possibilities with high conscious collective us. (Ok... I know I need to double check my habitual way of speaking. I've been recommending others here at the forum to do it... but I've done quite a bit of work on this but i was less conscious when i was doing this... so i better revisit this myself, because i'm telling myself i'm missing the sneaky limiting beliefs that I still repeat in my present moment. So i'm going to go back and hightlight any that I find in red.) (Now I know that i'm really talking to myself and others are myself as well... so i'm going to go ahead and switch the pronouns being used. First I'll change everytime I used they and replace it with we... this is what i do when i'm clarifying my polished message and it's really helpful for deeper understanding to reprogramming my perspective. I'll use blue as the replacement we. When I use the word others i'm going to use we again but with purple.) When I find a word that implies i'm excluding myself as separate from anything, I will cross it out and replace it with an inclusive pronoun.) Time to recontextualize my thoughts being more aware. This is going to be more of what I wanted to tell us. Let's see how it goes... What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing the stories of my past is not helping me create what I want. I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have is for us. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. I become a channel for infinite intelligence to speak and act... In ceremonies I realize that the words I speak are to help guide us to a deeper understanding. I know I can experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where my life becomes ceremony. I'm conscious of this. I'm validating it now in my direct experience. I'm realizing that if I continue to use limiting beliefs will result in a story that is limiting. The part of the stories I don't want to continue, I can wipe clean. The messages I received from my memory that are expansive will help me create a future story that is conscious and intentional. In my existence... my first approach was to surrender to infinite intelligence to guide me. The messages I received at that time directed my focus when I didn't know how myself. Infinite intelligence has now made me aware that I am ready to be intentional with my focus. I'm ready to be active in leading my life into the more conscious vision I want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being less conscious will lead to less conscious choices and behaviors. When I focus on myself it will affect us all. If my awareness points out behaviors that are less conscious than what I'm capable of, then I will focus my attention to make more conscious behaviors. I'm ready to make deliberate attempts to make the changes I want to make at this time. I realize we are going to guide us to go deeper. We are intelligent enough to go deeper with guidance. When it comes to myself, I'm going to be conscious and intentional so I can guide us. My version of being deliberate will have its variety. I know that my potential can continue to grow, and I want to show my authentic self. We are significant. I realize that I affect us, and we affect me. I am more aware of how I present myself as an example of a developing intelligence that's growing our consciousness. If I can be more conscious, then we can be more conscious. We can imagine more when we are developing more consciousness. It's exciting! That sounds more of what I understand now... I can see my clarity growing. More polished than my original thoughts... Happy with where I am and excited to see where this leads!

Hello! I didn't realize you already had a Journal started... I'm glad you're continuing... it's going to be beneficial I can see you seeing it too! What I'm finding useful in my journal is to let it out... just like you are doing which is wonderful, but if you want to put another layer onto your growth... can i suggest to copy and paste what you wrote and go back and highlight the limiting beliefs you have. Maybe you can just get better at noticing when you are still entertaining limiting belief. Eventually... start to reword them to give you the feeling it's possible to change these beliefs. You're doing amazing... I read some of your content and I love what I'm seeing. And I see you catch yourself at times... but there's more to catch excited for you!

Alright... I realize that I've expressed an experience that I had that maybe percieved as something bad or even traumatic. But I don't feel traumatized by the experience. I admitted that it's not my first time processing what happened to me in these experiences... but i feel like I left it at the point of my last conscious state of addressing the experience. I'm at a different level of consciousness and I know I can dig deeper... and I'm ready to dig deeper. And I know I was still tip toeing around what I am realizing to make the collective comfortable. But I know I'm truely wanting to purge and I'm not satisfied with the depth that I have expressed so far. So again I accepted the challenge... So what do I know now about these experiences... now? In case you don't know what I'm experiences i'm talking about... its the involvement with two family members... one from each side of my family... in two locations... Samoa and Indiana... With a time period of not that long... I don't really remember how old I was, but maybe from the age of 5ish to 6ish maybe even 7ish... I found myself with these family members where they involved me by being their object of attention. Their attention seems to be gaining pleasure of touching the butt region of a younger female. When they saw the young female not wanting to continue this involvement, they responded differently. Again... what was really going on in my experience and what am I understanding... what am i trying to realize to let this purge be successful? I'm going to start with the first experience when I was in Samoa. At that point I didn't understand sexual arousal. I wasn't aware that my older cousin has a sexual arousal he was trying to understand. I'm not even sure what age he was at the time... Maybe he was in his late teen years. In my experience of being in my late teen years, I found myself highly curious about sex. Everyone talks about it and I find myself wanting to know what it is. I find it extremely pleasurable to share affection... hugs, kisses, going down on each other with our hands, using even my mouth to please my partner, touching someone intimately, and having someone else touching me. I was 17 when I had my first sexual intercourse experience. Maybe around 4 months before I turned 18. I was aware of many of my fellow students or influencers at that time hadn't had a lot of direct experiences but there were strong desires and emotions wanting to know what that experience really is. It's an idea mostly... we really didn't know until we found ourselves in it. I know there were some that were actually involved with the experiences and to the other extreme where there were others who wanted it but wasn't finding them partners to share those experiences with. I can figure that there were two different conscious levels interacting with each other (1) I was a young child completely unconscious of what sexual interactions were. I can assume my family would bathe me and touch me everywhere to clean my body. I'm sure I even needed help to wipe myself after the restroom. Having others touch my nude body wasn't anything that was unusual. When he pulled my panties down it didn't seem to bother me. i trusted him. When I saw his body parts rubbing on mine I know i hadn't had that happen before. But I didn't feel in danger. He wasn't trying to hurt me. To me he wasn't trying to hide anything so it wasn't like we were trying to be secretive so again this could be normal. (2) I'm going to assume the conscious level of my cousin. (I have not talked to him since I left the island as a child. I have been back to visit the village once when I was in high school. And I completely avoided him. I only remember seeing him once and that was it... in the back of my mind I remember I was scared to run into him again.) I'm not sure if he was already engaging in sexual exploration with partners in his own age group. Or maybe he was someone who couldn't find a partner to share with. He had a degree of consciousness that he knew what sexual interactions were and what sexual arousal was too. He was aware of his penis being used not only to urinate, but it has the ability to ejaculate to create sexual gratification. He knew what sex was, I did not. I can bring in another layer to his consciousness state... when I spoke to another female cousin a little younger than I was who shared in a similar experience with that same cousin. I was in high school and she was in middle school when we spoke about it. We didn't go into details, but I remembered I was upset that she had to go through that but another part was comforted that I wasn't the only one who had to process this type of experience. I was processing so I don't think I was able to help her understand anymore then what she already found was working for her. I wanted it not to affect me so i knew i wanted to heal from it, but I still found myself angry... we both were able to get our anger and frustration we were feeling at that time. Let's dig even more and add another layer that is here that isn't being addressed... This cousin again I had mentioned earlier was actually an uncle, but actually a cousin. How can this be? In (Had to go get my pipe... it's a good time to take a few puffs for myself) So again I didn't really live in the Samoan culture long as a child. I felt like I have always wanted to learn more about it. I returned to the Samoan side during my high school summers... on break I would go and visit to try to understand that part of me that was missing for around 10 years. But I did get an opportunity to talk to members of my family that was giving me an impressions of how our culture looks at the life experience. (But again I didn't realize then that I was listening to others who has different degrees of consciousness and telling it from their perspective. I saw them in a sense as a better authority of understanding because they have been living in it more then myself... so it was like I was taking what they said for granted. But honestly by then I had already been gaining a better understanding of life through my current degree of conscioiusness... I had built confidence and but not deeply to the point that they were influencing my perspective of the world) So what I had gathered with this current situation was that one of my aunts had a child before she was married and i guess considerably younger than expected. My grandparents decided to adopt the child as it was their child. I'm not sure if they gave my aunt a choice or not... or if my aunt wanted their help to take care of the child. My grandparents had many children... I can't remember but I think my mom was one of around 11 children. So having my cousin adopted wasn't anything unusual... How I understand it is was like a family secret that others couldn't know about. But in fact many of the family didn't know about it either. My aunt had other children and I think two of her children was raised by the grandparents as if they were her child. Her youngest child she raised herself. None of the children knew who their actual mother was except the youngest. So the two boys thought their grandmother was their mother. They thought their mother was their sister. It wasn't until they were older did they get told the truth and I kind of able to see the results of how they reacted to the new information... to keep it simple it was traumatic for them... they were struggling. Even the youngest girl who was the cousin I had a lot of time to get to know which shared the similar experience didn't find out until she was older she actually had two brothers. What's even being aware of it to me now is... she ended up finding out that what she thought was her uncle who was treating her inappropriately was actually her brother. (Dad just warned me the gray cats in... which is fine and she's welcome, but I have to split my attention a little here because I don't want her and Elvis fighting. Ok first of all I don't call her grey cat... she's Sissy to me. Sissy is a sweet cat and extremely smart, but she has tendencies to take out anger on my little buddy whether she doesn't like the fact he gets more attention and she also knows when she fights with him we separate them... and lately we'll put her outside. So I'm going to continue, but I'm aware she's in here. I just want to let everyone just be what they want to be, but I also don't want them to affect our state negatively... we'll just continue... there might not be anything to worry about... so let's not worry.) We can continue to go deeper by my grandparents state of consciousness and their societal conditioning which led them to decide to take the grandchildren as their children... but I'm hoping to give you a better understanding that the degree of the collective consciousness is important to understand... the level of development always has consequences. My awareness of this is becoming deeper from the contemplation I was processing last night. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their current state of consciousness... can they remember their awareness has grown? well maybe you can continue to grow... maybe others have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals desire to understand their own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective. What really could happen with a collect who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective is on your experience. But you can also gain enough consciousness to know you have the power to affect the collective experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they intuit for themselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their conscious state should be paramount in their focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people that know what i'm talking about because they've done their form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective if the collective doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity!

So... it seem like I need to purge a little more before I get back to the message I'm trying to create. It feels amazing and admittedly this style of journaling with it being public is bringing a new depth then just journaling on my own. I guess I want to mention that this is not the first time that i've looked into my past. I've been working on my perception of my trauma since I was in middle school. But it almost feels like i'm really going to purify to the point where i'm not going to have anything hold be back. There's a few things that happened to me that I want to go ahead and record before I continue with my past. We can focus on what's happening now. This morning my dad's wife called. They've been married around 10 years now. They're still married but they live separately. They care for each other but I don't think the romance is there and i don't think the romance has been there for a long time. It seems like my dad's been looking for a lover his entire life. He married my mom at around 25, and as far as i know I think that was his first sexual partner. He's been through a number of wives now. And I know it's affected the way i use to look at relationships. But we won't get into it too much since that's not really my story to tell, but i'll mention when it happens to fall into the story. His wife is from Zambia. She's been working and going to school. She has two sons and her mother is here too. I answered the phone and I asked her how her tests were going... she's at her mid-terms trying to get her LPN (lol... I don't know all these initials... had to ask my dad some questions. He's answering so he knows i'm writing about him... lol He's doing his routine... reading his book around 1am and then he'll head to bed around 2am. My dad is the guy who always carries a book with him when he's in public. If has to wait then he'd rather be reading. When we go out of town to visit my brother and his family... I drive during the day so he can read, and then he'll drive a night. I use to be the gal who would carry my art projects with me... lol... in high school and college I would usually carry my notepad around so I can draw. If people were watching a show that didn't really interest me then I could get lost into my artwork.) She's been attempting a few times... she actually has to go to Ohio because she's reached the limit to pass the test in Indiana. She is so determined and I'm sure she's going to reach her goals of becoming an RN. To her she wants to provide money for her family here and also back home in Africa. Her family actually has gotten to the point where they just expect money whenever they want for any reason. She worked so hard that six years ago she got sick and couldn't recover quickly that she ended up in ICU. She also had medical issues that wasn't known to us. I have to constantly remind her to not run herself empty and just keep running on empty. But I don't see her often. But I've been making a more conscious attempt since I returned. She's got a big heart and I would love for my dad to have a relationship with her more then friendship. But I've also been the one that told him if he's not happy then he shouldn't be afraid to keep trying. I think that's why my dad moved back to our hometown for almost two years now. He turned 70 this February... and he has a limiting belief he's getting to old. But I'm telling you this man is not old... and if he could do some conscious work on his social skills... he could really have a chance to find that partner or even blossom the partner he has. I don't know if I said this yet but my dad's been my bestfriend for a long time. He is the only one who i've shared pretty much everything with. He knows pretty much everything I'm writing on my Forum posts... lol... I'm trying to get him interested... He's highly intellegent and maybe he could start his social skills by communicating online other than trying to talk to women... lol but i'm trying to make a more conscious effort to have a relationship with his wife and her family. Her mom had asked me to drive her to church... at first my dad was talking and assumed i'd say no and he said no too... but i heard him and told him I would. I'm always curious to hear what's being said in spiritual circles regardless if i agree or not. I was curious to hear what they are saying. I told her that I'd take her every other Sunday while I'm still here. This Sunday is her day... my cousin who wants to get the family to talk to my 2nd cousin about her mental state is supposed to be this Sunday too. So I told her I will do it and text my cousin I would be available after 3pm. This is a big step because I knew I returned to Indiana because I wanted to focus on myself but also I wanted to spend time with my family. And that assumption would be my dad's family who i grew up with. But I told my dad's wife that her mom is family too and I made a commitment with her first. I don't think we are ready to talk to the 2nd cousin right now. At least not in a serious way where it looks like we are going to be telling her we know what's best for her. I messaged saying that if we do this we should make a commitment to gain her trust before we go in too strong. Maybe we can just do some fun activities together like bowling or something. Something light hearted and just get to know each other more. I admit I feel like a stranger to her... she's a lot younger then I am and I only saw her at holidays but I was here and there for 20 years now. I love her but i don't really know her. I don't think she's going to be comfortable talking with me without having establishing trust. That side of the family doesn't even come to holidays anymore. I went to my aunt's to see them all. I was talking with her and I wanted to meet her son. She had just got out of jail and was telling me about it. Mostly she seemed like her attention was from one thing to another and the child was acting out a lot too. When she was younger my dad and her had a good relationship. I was talking to him trying to get him to join us. He doesn't know if he will, but he admitted that he knew the moment when he lost her trust. It had been a few years since they had seen each other and he said she could see in her eyes that she looked at him like she did as a child, but he said he didn't reciprocate it back and he could see the relationship broke at that time. He would be such a huge help. And it would be helpful for him too. I went to drop off the recycling which has been collecting over the winter... lol.. it was too cold for me to pack up the car to take the recycling. We have a shed at the back of the house that we just stored most of it, but some boxes were stored in my studio area as well. It's nice to start recycling in a smaller town. I had looked into before and there were quite a bit of rules which before I didn't want to do... I wanted it to be easier, but it is easy I just didn't think it was at first. I'm trying to create a recycling organizing space in the shed to hopefully promote my dad to start recycling. When it comes to trash day we don't really have a lot of trash. I'd say we only put trash out once maybe twice a month. Most of what we use is recyclable. When I arrived back at the house... it was in September last year... it was overwhelming how much clutter was collected at the house. At first you think we just need to figure out how to hire a dumpster and just throw it all away. Again since money is considered scarce in our family... that wasn't really an option but I also know i'm more conscious so I knew I could figure out how to organize what was there and start showing my dad how to recycle. I did a little when I was living in the city years ago, but we had a trash can specifically for recycling so again it was easier. I'm not sure how my dad got to the point of just collecting. I can assume once he had this place by himself he just needed things around him. I haven't really asked him about it, but he wasn't stopping me either for majority of the items. It was only when it came to his stuff did he want to go through it before i donated, or recycled, and finally trash it. It wasn't like he was attached to most of the clutter. He just didn't find it important. But.... i guess there is a tendency he has that might also have him collecting. I believe he thinks that at any moment society could fail. He collects water and food... He's digging a bomb shelter which I told him it should be used as a root cellar mostly and in a worse case scencario it could help shelter him from disaster. So yeah... i think that might have started him collecting thing just in case he will need it. I know I found myself wanting to find creative ways to use it purposefully. especially the items that aren't good for landfills and also unable to recycle... i've been having a challenge trying to recycle the foam that's been collected. If it wasn't so flammable I'd suggest it for insulation for the house. I had to hang layers of blankets onto the wall of my bedroom to try to stop the wind from blowing in the room and my dad has a heater he uses in his office which keeps him warm... he tries to use fans to get it to blow into my area but I told him that it's not needed. I can definitely layer up. The garage was even more packed from floor to ceiling and I tackled it and did pretty good, but i'm hoping this spring I can give it a go again. there's a lot of metal I'm going to scrap. I haven't done it before but i think i can figure it out. He's got appliances that's going to be hard to get rid of too. Lol.. i've been trying to find tinkerers... I might break down the big screen tvs and try to donate circuit boards. I'm not sure how it all will go, but again... he's just at a point if he doesn't see it, it's not an issue... and it's just not an issue anyway. I felt closterphobic when I first arrived. I think I mentioned I was sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the living room surrounded by stuff with a somewhat path to get through the room to get to the rest of the house. The bedroom I used was also full. I've been helping some older folks in Colorado when I went there for work in the summer the past five years so I know it looks like it's impossible, but really when you get into it it doesn't take as long as you'd think. Now I'm not saying we're done, but getting it to a point to be able to live in the space and walk around is crucial for me. I'm hoping by this spring my dad will help me continue the process. I love how i feel when I purge... I think he will enjoy the process too... and it's not so much as he had to deal with. I also wanted to spend some quality time with my little buddy too. Elvis has not liked the fact i've been in my dad's space using the computer. There's a line he won't cross because he thinks there's going to be a gray cat whos going to chase after him and fight. Which was the case, but since it started getting warmer we've been trying to keep her out. Dad's been able to seal up the subfloor, so she has to cry at the front or back door if she wants more food. (So my dad went to bed and all the tvs are shut off... i think it's time to find some music to play. Let's see if I have any suggestions for tonight... hmmm... I think i saw an artist i wanted to try out.. an Xavier Rudd. Oooow this playlist has Aboriginal art as the cover... interesting... i don't think i've heard these songs but let's give it a go. Enjoy! Any way I have a desk next to the hallway that leads to my dads and he sits there poking his face around the corner crying to me. He wants my attention. I tried picking him up and placing him on my lap so he can be with me as i type but he doesn't feel safe in this area. So i started traveling with him a few years ago. I took him to Hawaii and then I took him to Peru during my 8 months there. He definitely doesn't trust anyone or any animal. Sometimes he really freaks out with other cats. It's weird because he wasn't like that when Mika was with us. Well I know I want to get to the point where he's comfortable with people and other animals... of course to some extent... if he needs to run or fight for his life then i understand, but he's not in those situations 90% of the time if not more. It's been taking him a long time to even be really lovey with me... I'm not sure what he went through but I'm a cat lady... I love on my cats and pay a lot of attention to them... but he's been slowly allowing me to love on him more. And he's getting to the point where he lets me know he misses me when i'm not around as much as i usually am. Only since we've been here has he been wanting to laying on me while we sleep... probably because of the cold i'm not sure... but he's wanting to lay in my lap more too... so i love seeing that. Mika, my little princess... I was with her 14 years... and she would love for me to love on her... She passed away three days before I returned to Colorado right before covid shut everything down. I was taking a four month trip to Peru, Hawaii, and Australia. I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her, and my friend watching them had to deal with that while I was away. He said he didn't feel comfortable messaging me and he wanted to not worry while i was away. He buried her in his yard. We had spent six months with him when we first went to Colorado... so he had a relationship with my kiddo kitties. Since that happen... I decided I wasn't going to leave my little buddy behind anymore. I started getting him prepared to travel. I started letting him go outside. Got a bag and started taking him on walks in the bag with me. He's not too happy when I do that to him, but he'll get better used to it. Eventually I'll settle down somewhere where he'd be safe to stay alone if i go on short trips. I don't know we'll see. (Packed the pipe to take a few puffs.) It's definitely a larger challenge traveling with a cat. Especially because I run into more people who are opposed to cats compared to dogs... but oh my goodness he teaches me how much fear i still hold when i travel with him... lol i'll touch base with the details. So it's apparent to my dad and i we are just walkovers when it comes to kids and animals... lol we can't help ourselves but we love for them to be wild childs most of the time... but i'm getting a better understanding about having a balance with them. But anyway we have had these cats joining our space. Now again my dad says he's not really a cat person, not that he hates them or anything, but he wouldn't have a cat as a pet if it was his choice. But man cats love him... I'm sure if I wasn't with him this winter the cats wouldn't have been in the house as much as they have been. I could understand them wanting a shelter from the winter and getting food on the regular. And of course i don't mind loving on them. So there's a one-eyed Jack who's with us now. Honestly, I don't know if he's a he or not... he's not comfortable to be held yet and i'm ok with whatever it is... I prepared him a litter box because he just doesn't want to be outside. we don't know where he came from but he looks rough and I told dad that we can take care of him until he gets healthier... he's such a chill cat most of the time and he fits our temperaments. He's not trying to attack Elvis which makes me more comfortable to have him with us. Elvis... he's all talk... so he still let's Jack know he doesn't want to be friends yet...lol But when it's the four of us we don't have to separate any of the areas and i think i can get everyone comfortable with each other if i just take the time to do it. I think I have to gain more trust with Jack before I attempt them sharing the same space together...like a room together. I love observing animal behavior... I can learn a lot from them... but also my reactions or responses to my cats also teaches me as well. I worked a little on the bead curtain for my dad. I had a job for a short time when i arrived in indiana... it was theoretically a cool position. I did some maintenance and building and some interior design. I was making beads out of the scrapbook paper I have been storing here. The concept was recycling and repurposing. I was doing it at my pops and so it bled into the ideas i had for the project. I was creating a curtain and he mentioned he would like one too. I've been making clothes all winter in my own little world... I can use a break from it so i decided to start on my dad's curtain. i've been feeling a change and so i assumed it was because i'm ready to leave Indiana and possibly go to work for the summer. So i'm starting to purge my material possessions and organize my studio to become my dad's studio. But since i've been involved with this forum... maybe the change is the process i'm going through now. I might still need to tie up loose ends here in the house... i'm not sure i'm open. I want to return back to Peru so normally I go to Colorado and work a few jobs and save to be able to travel. So I'm looking to switch things up... I'd love to just do my own thing, but if i have to apply for another job then i'll do that too. I applied for a position in a secluded retreat in Alaska. I applied for two positions...the one I would prefer is the maintenance position. I'd like to learn more about the equipment they use and about electrical work more. they want five years experience which i don't have but i still applied. I was the first one to apply for the job so i sent a message to the contact if they don't have any other applicants that they won't be disappointed having me as a team member. I gave them my construction boss's number as a refferal. I really loved that about the tourist town in Colorado. they just needed help so it didn't matter i didn't have experience. Once i started working they started to understand how quickly i pick things up so usually they don't want me to leave... but i've got high standards... lol... it's hard for me to work for bosses who are low consciousness. It just doesn't seem worth my time and energy anymore. It was really apparent when I returned last summer from my transformation in Peru. I know I'm learning so many varied skills because i got a big vision of my own. Since my messages though it seems like there maybe a different way that i wasn't aware could be achieved... but anyway... i'm passionate to follow my spirituality... so i'll see where that leads me. So those are things that came up today to mention and elaborate on to give you more of a picture of what's going on in my life. (I thinks it's time to get back to my recollections of my childhood) So I took a look and I was talking about my grandmother. She was the glue to our family. When she was around our family would get together regularly every Sunday and holidays. I was one of the younger grandchildren of 11 at the time. Every Sunday we cousins would run around and play outside and hangout. It was really fun for the most part. I had mentioned I had an older cousin who treated me inappropriately not long after I arrived to Indiana. But again by then I saw everyone was family and I can trust them. I can't remember when it first happened I just remember it was something I had to deal with. Again I didn't tell anyone it was going on... looking back i couldn't understand why i didn't... but i was young and didn't know i was supposed to say anything. But since I had that experience with my mom's side I was better aware that I didn't like that type of attention. So I said all the cousins would be playing together.... there was usually 11 crazy kids from 5-18 years old. So it could be chaotic at times... so nobody seemed to notice when he would grab me and hold me... it was right in front of everyone. He didn't take me to anywhere private... it was right under everyone's nose. Our grandparents had a pool we would all play in and that was a location he found it easy to do this. I'd be playing and then he would get behind me and grab me and when i tried to get away he would hold me i felt so helpless... he would always go down my pants to rub me around my butt and the crack area... I'd try to resist and eventually i'd be able to get away because he didn't want to get caught. There were times when we would all be watching movies together. Everytime a blanket was involved no matter where it was again i'd find him behind me holding and restraining me when i tried to get away. Again it wasn't as if i knew he was getting any pleasure in doing this to me... i just knew i didn't want him to be doing it and it was the restraint that i hated... i felt so powerless... i also didn't know why they chose to do this to me... what was i doing wrong? There was a time when we were at one of my aunts and we were all watching a video with a blanket and he was doing what he wanted to do with me... this time another aunt caught him but she didn't say anything right away. I'm not sure how it went down but I was still living with my grandparents and they approached me about it. I was so scared and embarrassed I remember running and hiding under a shelves... i didn't want to get out from underneath. i thought they all hated me and was so disappointed in me because i didn't say anything. I don't remember anything else being said after that. I don't remember any of the family even my dad mention anything about it. All i know is that it stopped and I knew that i was so thankful someone finally caught him. But I still had to see him every Sunday. I didn't know what to do and everyone went on as if nothing happened so... i figured it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought it was. I remember feeling bad at how I was acting with his brother. His brother was an affectionate cousin but he wasn't trying to be sexual with anyone... anytime he would want to hold me I'd run off his lap immediately... he never tried to stop me and restrain me. He just wanted to love on me just like most of the other older cousins. the girls i didn't have a problem with letting them love on me. I didn't want to act that way to him, but I couldn't help myself... it was hard for me to differentiate him from his brother. I learned to be able to be comfortable in his presence. But it never left from the back of my mind. I remember once i started to get into middle school and started to connect how society saw those types of situations... child molestation issues. I started getting friends and found a few that had gone through similar situations... I really started to get angry and upset. At that time I was wanting to start to have boyfriends but I couldn't trust them in an intimate manner... i mean back then just holding hands and a little kiss or two. It wasn't like i was afraid of guys...far from it. i was a tomboy and most of my friends were guys... but when the first boys started asking me to be their girlfriend.. it was challenging. A part of me wanted to and another part of me felt like it was all wrong. I knew that part of me that thought it was wrong wasn't healthy even at that time. I was a normal teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions and i remember talking to my brother and dad about my memories of the cousin's doing those things to me and how i think it's affecting me with my relationships. I remember my brother was crying with me but he didn't know what to do but he was angry about it. I remember my dad was upset but it was as if he didn't believe me though either. That got me more upset because I've never wanted to lie to my dad... he's always made me feel like i could talk to him about anything... no matter what i talked about i knew he would still love me. But that moment of hesitation he had struck deep into me. They knew i was struggling but they didn't know how to help me so i knew i'd have to figure out a way on my own. I remember even back then realizing that they didn't know any better. They were probably going through so much and they didn't know how to treat me properly. What I ended up coming up with was my looks. I'm mixed so I don't look all caucasian and i don't look fully samoan either. I thought maybe when they looked at me they could really feel like i was there family because i looked so different from their family. I was trying to reason out that i don't have to hate them. i wanted to forgive them. But what i think i missed was forgiving myself for not knowing what to do in those situations. For not saying anything. Now that I look back at it... I didn't say anything because for me at the times they were happening didn't feel traumatic. It wasn't something i couldn't manage myself. It was when we were caught and other people knew about it was it traumatizing. And once i knew that society knows it's a problem yet most of the time it's not reported... or it's just an act that it didn't happen at all. I realize it's just where the collective consciousness has developed too... I know the collective continues to mature and learn healthier ways. Another residual affect from this happened later in my school days... i can't remember if i read it in high school or college, but i read an article about the victims of child molestation that they are more likely to molest other children. When I read this... it terrified me! I love kids and after that article I was terrified that I would be a person capable of doing that to a child. I would never imagine doing that and i had no desire, but since i read it in an article and it seemed like scientific research... i thought it was telling me that i'm going to grow into that. There was a boyfriend I dated who read something similar. He had the same fear too. He was molested as a child and since he was a victim he'll probably do it to another. I know no there's no way I'll do that to a child. I've healed and raised my consciousness enough to know I have no desire to do that with a child. But I remember the time when I was doubting myself, because I thought authorities' opinions were more valid then my own. (Let's take another puff or two... that wasn't that bad to purge out... it's getting easier... i'm not as hesitant or anxious... there are still some areas I know i'm not ready to reveal but I'm gaining more confidence that it's going to get easier the more i do this. I wonder if it's time to continue the editing of the messages I want to express. I've done quite a bit of purging so maybe that's allowed me to open up to feel my way through the message again. I'll go ahead and copy and paste from the last editing session.) (alright i had to use the restroom... i think i'm going to switch up the music now. There's a song i use in my bufo ceremonies that i love and i think it might help me connect deeper with myself. Let's give it a go. Ok the artist is Mose and the song is called, Medicine Women Continuous Mix Enjoy!) There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Can the collective consciousness purge together? (I am and others we can... but together? (if we are conscious, we can... but it's not now) Are we willing to do the work? (I am now but it took my consciousness time to be ready... we will when we are ready) (when will we be ready?) After purification? T Infinite possibilities are capable to manifest (it's already manifesting, but can we be more conscious to create more conscious of the manifestations) but when the collective is trapped by their beautiful chaos what direction are they steering towards? (unconscious manifestations) Or maybe it's not where that I'm concerned about... perfection is what we are and where we are, but we don't see it that way. (why? unconscious development) How long will we be trapped? (as long as we don't know we can develop consciousness deliberately) Are we willing to pay the price of conscious building so the rewards of bounty flourishes our lives? (this price will be paid by the willing if they we believe there are rewards... how can they we believe? doing the work will eliminate belief and then they know) Does it really have to take long? (personally it might have felt long, but four years isn't long) With focus I've found it doesn't have to take long. Can the collective share a same focus? (This is tricky easy to answer... the shared focus would be to increase their consciousness, but each individual has to find their own way to awaken their unique gifts they can share with the collective... that's what is tricky. it's only tricky because they think someone else will tell them how they will learn best, but only they know. they have to have the confidence to find their own answers) I want to believe... I know it's happening but can it happen now? (right now in my direct experience it is not happening.) Are we ready? (That is the question for the collective... are we ready?) and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. (very good! i love these sessions today... so worth it... thank you!) (I'm still in progress of finding a polished message... still have more work to do and i'm looking forward to it)

Alright I'd like to go ahead and suggest another (Dad needed help looking for a red water noodle thingy... he's working on a project which I'll talk about, but I want to help him look and I'm not sure where he put it.) Ok... I'd like to suggest another song possibly... I had listened to another song and artist by chance and I'd like to go ahead and share. This time it's Santsang, the artist and the song I heard that drew me to look at the information was "I am". I want to suggest a playlist though so here it is with this song as the second. Enjoy! I realize that I'm going to be sharing everything and it's getting a little less stressful for me. (Dad wanted another glue stick... lol) I've mentioned that I was ashamed.... maybe it was actually from the failed post attempt.. Ok I felt embarrassment and ashamed of my past. I'm at a point where I'm going to release and purge this from my system. It's a technique I'm going to use for spiritual purification. I don't want to hold this in anymore... it doesn't serve me anymore. I'm different from the person I was just yesterday. I'm.. My consciousness is more and I'm ready to just let it out. I'll continue to admit I don't know where or how I'm going to do this but I'm not going to overthink it.. well try my best to. why was i embarrassed? ashamed? well I wasn't conscious as much as i am right now. I didn't know I was being conditioned to the ideas of what others thought was best. I looked to others opinions before i gain confidence to trust myself. I didn't know about spirituality... I can go on, but it'll come out.. I want it to get out. (wheeww... ok I grabbed my corn cob pipe and packed it... i'm loosing up my muscles in my neck, shoulders, and my back... there's tension because I'm still trying to really prepare myself to open up... i know you might be thinking... she smokes? yes I'm a smoker and at this moment it helps ground me when i'm anxious... I know there's things i'm questioning whether i can release some things but can i release everything ther's certain areas in my life i just don't know if i'm ready to let go... but i know i'm accepting the challenge... i will give myself to allow the timing that works for me... i'll release what i feel is ready to be released and the more i see how i feel from this release then I'll see if i'm ready to release everything eventually) So I was trying to express why i was embarrassed and ashamed of my past, right? well... i'm so hesitant because I still carry that now. I'm going to (shaking my head and slow breathes... this is not easy for me... ) (Dad's wondering if I placed the gas can somewhere... he's looking for it and he can't find it... lol) so... how do I tell others about this... am i just making it a bigger deal than it really is? I'm sure i am... everyone has their own stories and so fuck it... here's my story... society would label me and my dad as the status of poverty. Some may not understand what that means and some may... but maybe we don't have the same definition. so why do I use the word poverty? We don't have money in the amounts that society thinks people would have to have a fullfilling life. But how fulfilling is my life? I'm enlivened right now... I'm so grateful from all the shit i had to go through because it's led me to where I am now... everything has lead to this moment right now I'm expreincing. What am i going to choose to do with it? So.. I don't have a job right now... my job right now is to focus on understanding who i am now and what i want to create for my future. So freedom has been a value i've been working to create. I don't want to spend my energies where i don't want to. Because of the history of poverty it has allowed me to not attach too much materially... well I didn't feel like i had a choice, but i've got strength and intelligence that won't allow me to make excuses about money from stopping me accomplishing what i feel is important to me. I didn't realize my spirituality was what i was looking for, but i know it's paramount in my life... so let's take it as far back as i remember... well also the memories of my family who recall their memories of what happened during my birth and growing up... I was born close to a military base in North Carolina. I guess it's called Laurenburg but I have no memory of this location. My memories started when I was living on the island of American Samoa. This is where I started to walk and talk... so technically the Samoan language was my first language but I hardly know any of it now and i'd like to learn more eventually. My moms memories recall that once i started walking i walked right out of the door looking to explore... i wasn't afraid to leave her side. She said that I was a wild and dirty child... they would have White Sunday services at the church where everyone dresses in white... she would be afraid to take her eyes off me because if she did my white would end up covered in dirt. My brother has a memory of me when he came to pick me up and return to the mainland. So at this time I hear my dad and mom couldn't find a place for themselves in their home locations... my mom didn't feel comfortable in Indiana and missed her family and the way her culture lived was drastically different then how my dads family and culture lived. My dad went to live in Samoa and he was trying to build a hotel and create a lift like a ski lift that took travelers from the peak of the mountain of American Samoa and they would hover over the rainforest to finish in the village of Vatia. That's where my family is from... I say it's the village at the very end of the road settle right beside the rainforest. It's right along the beach. My parents decided they were going to get a divorce. It wasn't really because they were angry with each other... I haven't really heard any negative comments about my mom from my dad... lol.. he did say that i was a miracle baby though. because he was still in the military and mom decided to go back to samoa they didn't have much time together. And when they were together i guess he was having problems with my mom being intimate sexually with him... I guess they decided to sexually share one time on his visit to her and that one time was when i was conceived. (lol... so i took a few more puffs... loosening up a little more i'm getting more comfortable. my dad said he found the gas tank he's removing the glue he had on his hands. I told him that im just going to go all out on this journal and i asked if it's ok if I mention him... because unfortunately for him i'm his daughter who has found this as a purification process... i asked him if he minds... His response was a short break and said well i dont know why it would be a problem for him. he might just have to be more aware of what he says to me. We laughed and i said maybe when i'm at the journaling session.. lol) When I was born i guess my mother's dad chose my middle name... Sinai'taaga... this is a family name in our village that represents kind of like a princess title... I don't know a lot of the history of Samoan culture but I guess since my grandfather is the chief he decides who becomes the princess. Our family can be said we care and support the members of the village and he was going to show me how to do that. I've seen pictures and videos where i'm holding his hand everywhere he went. he didn't care what i looked like... i guess i mostly like to run around with a dirty tshirt and no pants with sand caked in my hair... lol thats what my brother's story said too.. he's three years older than me and my dad sent my dad to pick me up so we can return to indiana. my dad got custody of us. He knew my mom would like to have her time with us before we had to go. He's very relaxed and so he didn't give her a time period... whatever she needed. I didn't even realize that was going on. I didn't know when I left that I wasn't going to be seeing my mom again... at least for many years. My brother said that mom took him to meet a little girl... I come running up with again my usual get up a dirty oversized tshirt with no pants and sand caked into my hair... he said i started speaking gibberish (Samoan) and since he didn't respond this crazy little girl just turned around and ran to climb up the trees and play. Mom told my brother... that's your sister... my brother's response was... That thing is my sister? lol... that's his first memory of me when we were in Samoa. I'm not sure if he remembers anything about when i was an infant. but my first memory of my brother wasn't so funny. I remember I woke up from a nap and I looked out the window and I saw my mom holding my brother's hand and they were walking away. I ran to open the door and it was locked. i couldn't get it open... I remember banging on the window crying to get there attention so they can come and get me so I wasn't left alone. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep again from exhaustion of crying. I have some brief memories playing with my brother and my cousins. I remember there was like a Heman and a skull castle thing maybe... lol... I think maybe even thunder cats too... i can't remember but i remember having fun times. I remember my grandmother too... i remember playing with her hair... i remember i didn't know what i was doing but i was trying to teach myself how to braid and i made up a french braid but it's not the same process i now do. I also remember heating up water to place into barrels to take a bath with her... I feel bad because i don't have many memories from back then. I feel what i do really remember and what i carried with me was the bad times... i know i'm looking at these situations differently so I want to purge them out but while i'm doing this i want to tell people to not hate anyone who had done this to me. they didn't know any better... if they did they wouldn't have done it. And I've been learning how to release my anger towards them. Don't hold anything inside you... it wasn't your story... it's mine and i'm ready to purge it out of my system. I'll get to the main one but I'll start off with little ones to gain my confidence to express myself freely. Just because I remember the bad memories doesn't mean these people are bad people. I just went through trauma and so i was absorbed in the suffering I was in that I just kept looking for more trauma to confirm reasons why i should still hold this anger. I don't remember what I had done.. maybe i was cussing and my grandfather heard me. I remember him taking me to a couch and whipping me. I was in complete shock.. i couldn't believe i had done something so wrong that he would lift a hand to me in anger... i felt like i was so bad... i knew even then that i respected his opinion of me... and he's never reacted that way towards me before and when it happened a little piece of my felt like i was broken. There was another memory that involved my brother and a cow. So it was kind of like I had a pet cow... at least i'd go and visit it and i'd pet it. I didn't have a concept of why the cow was in a pen. I remember a pen of wild boars as well but it was the cow that i would go and visit... maybe because it has such a calm demeanor and allowed me to touch and pet him. Anyway my brother had came one time and the cow tried to chew his clothes and i was laughing at him. One day I remember my brother ran to me and started laughing.. I wasn't sure why but he led me to a tree and he pointed up into the branches. I wasn't even sure what i was looking at... I kept looking and finally i realized that it was the skin of the cow drying out on the tree. maybe i saw the spots i don't know but it clicked for me. the cow was killed and somehow i started to understand that the cow was there to be food for the village. I remember refusing to eat meat for weeks after that. I wasn't going to eat my friend... at that moment it didn't click that all the animals there was for food, but since i didn't have any emotional attachments to them I didn't care if i ate them or not. but this cow... i didn't want to eat. Another memory was when i was with my favorite older cousin and we were playing in the rocks and she accidentally through a larger rock and it hit my head. I think it might've been the first time i saw my own blood... i didn't really know what to do... she grabbed me and took me to a family member and they started to help clean out the wound... I'm not sure if I cried then, but i knew i was getting scared by observing their reactions. This isn't a memory that was bad but i just remembered it. I was walking with my mom along the beach or even along the rock where there were pools of water. I saw her snatch up a fish with her hands and bit it to kill it to eat later... she was a bad ass. And I also remember one of my uncles coming back from a fishing trip on a surfboard or a small boat.. I can't remember i just remember him coming out of the water walking to the beach dragging a shark... at least that's what i thought it was. I also remember getting candy and chips in the little grocery store my mom and grandpa was running. I also remember this guy... this bald headed guy who was really friendly with my mom and my mom would say it's her friend. I would call him "ulupo'o" bald head. In fact that was one of the only words i had remembered when i returned to indiana and i would recall words i remembered of the language. I knew this guy was more then just a friend... he would be taking my mom on dates and i would be there with them at times... I knew i didn't like what i was feeling when i was around them together. it felt wrong to me... but i couldn't really understand why... again i didn't know my mom and dad were getting a divorced. my brother probably knew but i didn't know so maybe that's why i intuitively knew i didn't like how friendly they were together. (took a few more puffs... stretching my legs too and popping my ankles... i feel a lot better now... i'm ready to just go for it and i don't know how i'm going to process this but i want to be vulnerable and open... this is working) So there was a situation I was involved with while i was in Samoa that might have affected me the most. I had a uncle who was inappropriate with me. I think he's actually my cousin but i looked at him as if he was an uncle because he was so much older than me. I remember I would love to eat rice with milk and coco... I would lie down on my stomach and watch a little tv while i ate. It was almost like a routine of mine... maybe that's why he knew that i would be there when he decided to pull my panties down as i was laying there. I can't even remember struggling or yelling or crying or wanting to run... it was as if i didn't really know why he was doing it. I trusted my family... all of them i thought... i remember turning my head to see what he was doing but i didn't know and so i ended up watching the television again... i heard a sound it was like a spitting noise and i felt that he spit on my bare butt... and then i felt something rubbing the moisture up and down my crack... i looked back again and i saw he was straddling me on his knees with his pants off. he had his penis on my butt and was rubbing it on me. I don't really know if i understood that it was a penis. i don't even know if i realized it was giving him sexual pleasure to be doing this to me. I don't know if i knew what i was feeling when he was doing it to me. I think i just literally just turned back to watch the television. (dad's looking for the broom... had to grab it for him) I remember it wasn't a one time thing... he would do it multiple times. and it also became like a routine for me too. I'm not sure what happened but I didn't want it to continue anymore. When he tried to pull my panties down i stood up to put my panties back up and I just left. I don't remember him getting mad at me or even running after me. From that moment I just didn't do my routine anymore. I didn't eat my coco rice in front of the tv in that room anymore. This use to haunt me but now that I'm recalling it at my current consciousness I can recontextualize it differently then I use to. I know I didn't tell anyone about what happened. And when I left Samoa to return to my dad... I don't think it affected me that much... it wasn't until I had an inappropriate experience with another older cousin. When I was flying back with my brother I knew it was only us two flying together without any parents and so I feel like i remember the flight attendants being extra nice to us. I'm not sure if this was the only reason but at least one reason why my mom allowed my brother and i return to my dad. (I'm going to take a break so I can help my dad outside real quick. My dad has his own beautifully chaotic mind he's living in and I'm apart of that while I'm here... lol he's got a large project he's been working on... I helped him setup his pool. Starting to feel like Spring here so we're both ready to stop resting and be a bit more active. There's rain expected early in the morning so he wants to collect as much as he can. Early we had to repair the large water tank that has a crack in it. He's been patching it up but it busted before winter and so it would only fill up half way. We don't have running water here and so he's been collecting water outside and has another tank upstairs which gravity helps to feed to the kitchen and the bathroom. He's got all the pumps going but again there's usually something going wrong and so we had to stop using the pumps through the winter because i think a leak in the hose first and then a leak in the attachment... lol... you're going to find out I can be pretty handy but I don't necessarily know the names of everything... i just get it done. and we can be pretty inventive on how we can accomplish things because going out and purchasing the "proper" equipment isn't in our cards, yet. I'll take a few more puffs... but I think I'm well grounded right now... this might be more of a habitual use of the pipe, but i'm more aware of this now) So while I was in Samoa I had like allergic reaction to bug bites on my legs. I believe they were sand fleas... I like to get dirty so I didn't see it as a problem. Maybe they started to get infected. I know my mom mentioned they couldn't find any treatment on the island to heal my legs, so she thought there would be better medication on the mainland. I have memories of one of my dad's sisters pealing off my socks from my legs. To me it looked like part of my skin was sticking to the socks... she would have tears in her eyes, but i don't remember crying over it. There's were several sessions but I don't remember how long it took for the infection to go away. I just had scars on my legs that took what seemed like forever to me to finally get to a point where they weren't as noticeable anymore. Lol.. I just experienced it again the last time I was in Peru. I won't get into it now but those familiar scars are back. Again it feels like it will take forever for them to be less visible, but i've been through this before... after time... they'll fade. My uncomfortableness of not feeling beautiful as much will fade with it. Any way... my first memory of entering into my dad's family was walking in the front door of my grandparents' home. Again I don't think I really knew what was going on... i was being ushered through the kitchen where there were cousins sitting along the counter and they were patting my head as i was passing by. They took me to this gentleman who was sitting on an orange tufted chair. They placed me on his lap and I just remember looking at him... he had a little curl to the front of his bangs. He had a split mustache. he wore a sweater vest and he was smoking his green pipe. I didn't know who he was at the time, but damn this man is pretty cool. I finally figured out this was my grandpa. You have to remember I didn't know the English language when I first arrived. So most of my indications of communications was nonverbal. I don't remember if I already new how to speak English when I started kindergarten or it really started to click into place the new language i was learning. It didn't feel like i was having any issues understanding. I was a fairly good student... Any way... That green pipe was a symbol for me. i was one of my grandparents' hospice nurses you might say. when I was my grandpa's I actually was pretty much living with him while we was preparing to pass. i'm sure I'll get to that later, but the cousin's let me have the first pick of grandpa's items to have... I chose his green pipe... lol... some cousin's werer bummed out about it but he had several other cool pipes to choose from as well. I still have that pipe but I don't use it as much. I was given a free corn cob pipe at a pipe shop because of how much business i was giving them. It's a lot easier to clean and it holds more tobacco. We were living with our grandparents at first. I can remember waking up early with my dad... he would be doing push ups and situps before he would take his morning run. I'd try to do it with him minus the runs. I remember spending a lot of time with my grandma. Oh by the way I was my grandma's 50th birthday gift. I was born on her birthday so i got to share all my birthdays with her until she passed. I remember how i felt when i looked at my cake and I didn't see my grandma's name along with mine... it just didn't seem right. She used to make the best cherry pies. I would well all the grand kids would help her collect the cherries from the tree and she'd do her magic and I loved them. After awhile I believe once I started living on my own I ate a cherry pie for my birthday instead of cake. I wanted to share our birthdays together still. Now I'm watching more of how i eat and what I eat... I don't do much of a dessert for my birthdays... i've been trying to travel and celebrate my travels with her... she always wanted to travel... maybe I can live a life she was hoping to do for herself. (i'm going to take a break to watch a few shows with my pops.... he wants to check things on his computer too... lol) Actually I'll go ahead and post this... but I don't think i'm finished for today... I'll be back probably when my dad goes to bed. (I don't have anything polished yet, but it's going to take a while... and i'm ok with that)

CHAOTIC RAMBLINGS IMPRESSIONS OF CHAOS Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. Another thing I noticed so far with my writing... i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. i definitely like it more for the public to read compared to this style of free flow. So this is a good point to give a try to edit the material and then have a polished piece afterwards. I'll try a different approach. I'll leave my ramblings. I'll copy and paste it and then I'll start editing. EDITING PROCESS hmm... what's the approach to edit this down. I know it's not in the appropriate order. I know most of this is going to be removed. Maybe I can show what's going to be removed. I want to go ahead and clarify how i'm giong to focus on topics and work my way towards my spiritual journey with Aya. How do I visually show the changes of movement? Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. So I had some good material and a good start from my first post so i'm copied and pasted so I can work with that context as well Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. So what's the sequence of the story? A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) I had to take a break. I felt like I was stuck and I was definitely distracted. Again I mentioned I returned to my dad's and it's easier for me to use his computer to use the keyboard to type out on the forum. His computer is in the room where he is mostly occupying majority of the time. He's set it up where the computer has two large screen tv's all clustered together. He's accustomed to watch three things at a time. I sit here to try to concentrate and it's very distracting. I haven't had a television for about eight years now... I am reminded how much time I can waste by watching television. My dad and I usually have our own space it's like we've split the house up where I have a bedroom and studio while my dad has his lounge area and bedroom. Also I feel like I want to discuss everything's going on at this time. I feel like there's a generational conditioning that's been very apparent in my awareness right now. I believe I mentioned he has his tendencies to be a hoarder and I've had these tendencies as well. I've been reducing my items especially when I left my home state five years ago. I was living in a home and I gave away most of my items, gave away my car, and moved into a little mountain village outside of the Rockies in Colorado. But there were those items that I just couldn't let go of so I end up bringing them back to my dad's. When I first arrived here I had taken my tubs from the garage and brought them in to go through I went through a big purge, but there's still items I know I don't want anymore so I feel like there's another purge right around the corner. I already have two tub fulls that are going to get donated. It's spring cleaning time. While I've been here I had to clear out a ton of items of my dads that just didn't get thrown away. I can't explain how many cardboard boxes he had held onto, plastic bottles, glass bottles, foam, etc. I couldn't just throw them away anymore... I want to be more conscious with trash so i started donating. I took him with me a few times to show him how easy it is. The recycling center in my hometown you just drive through. You don't have to get out of the car they do all the work. I have been designating tubs and boxes for sorting out the different materials that they accept. We had held off from recycling for most of the winter, but we have a shed where we can continue to store them and so on my break I went ahead and started getting those supplies gathered in my studio so I can take them tomorrow. We've got three days to take advantage of the center. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. I went to talk with a family member today... there's three of us who seem to be the family therapists per say. We don't have any degrees or anything. We just have more conscious awareness on our mental health. There's a second cousin whos been struggling for years now. And it's apparent to see the generational slow progression. My father's sister, in my opinion isn't developed in her mental awareness. I'm going to make a general statement but in our family in their age group... didn't express their feelings. They kept them inside and if somethiing was upsetting to them there wasn't a thought about getting help. It was more likely to ignore it. My aunt had three children. One of her daughters is having issues with her daughter. Now my cousin she's getting to see that her mental conditioning is not were she wants it to be. I'm not certain if this is because of the difficulties she's having with her daughter that it's more of a focal of her attention. She's know looking to get therapy to help her... shes' s in the late 40s-early 50s age group. Her daughter who my cousin wanted to talk to me about is in her late 20s. She wants the three of us to talk to her because her mom and her grandmother feel like they've reached their limit of being successful in guiding and assisting my second daughter. Now she's been conditioned by at least two generations of unhealthy mental awareness. Briefly she's got a lot going on but I'll just focus on one area of focus. She's now hitting herself when she's upset. She also suicidal. Another unfortunate piece to this... is she has a 3-4 year old son. Now he's watched his mom hitting herself as a coping habit... and they now see he's starting to do the same thing. Now we haven't gotten all the details but we were throwing around ideas. There was mention that our cousin wants the father to gain full custody of the child and i completely agree. She's not in a state to creat habits that's going to be healthy for the child. The father is still close to the family, so I feel like there might be opportunities for her to visit with him, but highly reduce the time she can spend. She's at the point of her life where she's not thinking about the future... she's going to think it's the end of the world if we support this. Generally maybe if we give her at least two years of detoxing and mental health therapy... she will be in a far better mental state to increase her time with her son, theoritical... we actually have no clue what that time line will be... it could be soon and it could be later... it depends on how conscious her helpers are whether it gets dragged out or not. But also the desire or willingness for her to want to change to help better herself which ultimately will translate with everyone around her including her son. We would assume she would be more aware that mental health issues is something to get help with if you aren't able to do it for yourself. So if we can get her into a type of therapy at her age. The son has already began his conditioning too, but if we can remove the toxic behaviors soon then later the more likely he can heal sooner then his mother. the longer she waits... the longer and more work will be needed to be applied for her son. We have a tentative plan to meet on Sunday. I asked what the setting was going to be... what will promote us to give her a safe family setting where she's not being attacked. Opportunity to do something all together, but also allow moments of one on one conversation... hopefully she might be comfortable with at least one of us to open up and express her feelings in a nonviolent manner. I've also spoke with a very close friend of mine earlier. I've been telling her about my experience with the forum and I had sent her information about possibly using the journal part of the forum. She had already mentioned a week ago that she wants to start a journal but she's never done one before. I told her just purge out her feelings and thoughts without caring or judging what she's writing. She said everytime she opens the journal her mind goes blank. She started her first sentence with exactly that statement. I said that's a great start. She said she also started writing affirmations. We worked on that a few years ago, but i told her that a journal could be just a place to purge. It doesn't have to be anything too structured. she's been dealing with an unhealthy relationship for over 10 years. Back and forth, back and forth... she know she's more conscious then he is, but she still cares and wants to hellp him. The last video Leo had posted was about gaslighting. Now I hadn't heard about gaslighting until my friend mentioned it years ago when she suspected he was doing that to her. So when I saw the word gaslighting I automatically thought of her. I started listening to first half of the video and I messaged her if she would be interested in possibly listening to the video. She accepted. She's starting to get to the point where she wants to take a more conscious effort in her self-development that's why I've been giving her possible ways to help her get process as she's going through everything. She's about to possibly go all-in with him, she's possibly going to switch up jobs, and she's possibly going to start a journal habit... she's has a full-time job with a house and yard to take care of and three dogs. It doesn't matter how much is on her plate I trust she's going to figure out what's going to work for her now. She's been gaining her confidence and she's looking to make some big changes. I want to support her as much as I can... but in truth I know she has to go through this process for herself so she can learn how to overcome the obstacles in her life. Which brings me back to my life. I also have some obstacles that I know I can overcome... so I know when you're working on yourself you're not just working on one topic and everything gets paused so you can deal with that one thing and then move onto the next and so on... it's all happening at once. So I want to start documenting what I'm dealing with as I go through this process of chaos to clarity... When it comes to my little buddy, Elvis... we've been together for about seven years now. We've been through so much already. When I first met him he was my roommate's cat and he allowed Elvis to just stay in one room without really giving him any affection or attention. I had to go in daily to love on him for I don't know how many months... 4-6 maybe before I got him out of the room. He would walk into other rooms but he wouldn't walk in the middle of the room... he would always slink around the walls and furniture he was so timid. I had another cat I had brought with me so I was learning how to share my time with both of them... she was already spoiled so she'd get jealous at first. Anyway... back to now we're staying at my dad's place and during the winter we had a cat who found a way to sneak in and out of the house through the crawlspace... my dad had a project he was working on in his bedroom where he's making a hot tub situation underneathe his bed so he had pulled the floor and he's got a levitating floor that's been rigged up. He's creative but he's only living on social security and so he uses the supplies that he has around the house. We might go into details later I'm not sure... well I'm sure we will but now is not the time. We've been a poverty status... income wise for most of my life. We aren't scarce in many other attributes of life, but money scarcity happens to be one condition I've also gained from my father. Back to my little guy... this stray that found her way in is pretty aggressive and would intimidate Elvis. He reverted going back into the closet mostly afraid to be out and about because of her. So we made a barrier between my space and my dads. We thought we can help feed her and also get warmth and a little love through the winter. She's back outside now but then now there's a little black cat that also found his way in as well. By the way my dad is not a "cat person" he likes animals and all but he wouldn't choose to get a cat as a pet. But I know how cat's respond to him and laugh because in his case the cats choose him and love him regardless if he recipricates the love back. He's a good guy so he's letting happen... this new one is skin and bones... he's got a bad eye that I don't think can be fixed so I'm calling him one-eyed Jack. But he's very much a loner so he's not trying to have any involvement with Elvis. We've taken down the barrier so they can roam around but there mostly staying on their own sides. Elvis is struggling because I've been spending so much time on my dad's space to use the computer. I'm trying to encourage him to join me in this space, but he has the memory of the first cat and is afraid or hesitant still... I can almost get him to come, but he chickens out. Traveling with Elvis has really helped me with my awareness of Fear and the balance of freedom. Maybe those stories will be brought too. Ok I feel better now... I had those thoughts in my head and now my dad's gone to bed... there's silence and my mind's more silent so I can now try to re-focus on editing the paragraphs I had earlier to create a concise entry of what my Journal will be and how it's going to be directed... for now... lol So where was I... I asked myself So what's the sequence of the story? I'll make a list of the areas i'd like to include and then see what order I'd like to use. Wait a minute let's listen to some music... lol I was listening to this on the first day when I tried to post for the first time. Actually I hadn't heard this song or artist before. This song was playing when I was gaining a huge insight and validation of where I am Spiritually... I was moved to tears at the time and it was the combination of the purge I was going through that was exremely deep for me and then in the background this song was playing... I figured I'd go ahead and share in case any of you are interested. I love music but I'm more of a random playlist person. So the artist is Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) the song is Aloha Ke Akua Enjoy! A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications with the collective B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) What I'm going to focus my topics on (daily life, address the programming I've gained, and lead to share my beginning of conscious spiritual journey (self-mastery) D) Insights (personal) as I go through this process Actually that brings up the fact there were two insights I gained that wasn't recorded because the failure to post. These insights helped me understand where I was trying to express in this Journal. I was journaling and purging it made it clear that 1) Other's don't understand me clearly, because of my chaotic style of my mind (That's how I go the title of my Journal... Chaos to Clarity... and then Leo suggested to make the title sexy so I thought I would add... Exposing Myself... because I don't want to hold anything back. The more honest i am with myself the deeper the rewards of this process.) The other insight 2) I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. That's why I'm going to have to wait to tell about my spiritual journal. I know I'm labeling it so it may seem like i'm not talking about spiritual work right now... but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. Here's a few sentences I found when I was going through my draft that I thought would be good for the introduction paragraph. but I've got to willing to try different things out. After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. As I was searching I noticed I was looking for content that wasn't there... so I'm going to go back through and check what I have written from the first post and also this post so far if I find anything else that would fit in this first group well... So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. Ok that's what I've found so let's start working with these inspirations to find the message I want to convey clearly. I know there was something I remember from the failed post... I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. I'm now going to copy and past in the order that might help guide me and also give a picture of how i'm trying to track down the "struggle" process of creating change in my life. Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here.but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me.I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me.I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge.That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price.but I've got to willing to try different things out.There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be.I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. Alright I like how the editing process is going... this is where a lot of the work is and I wanted to show that as accurtely as I can. So I'm going to go back and free-flow to try to put clarification in this first paragraph. I believe if I can get as many opportunities to free-flow that might be a good way to fine my authentic voice... i don't know but i'm going to try it out I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand my I'm having deja'vu right now. It's like I've remembered I was going to be doing this. beautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Alright I think I can work with this... I'm starting to get a bit tired so i'll start editing and see how long it takes. But i'll be finishing up this post soon. Again I'm not in a hurry to get this done. I'm enjoying this and I know it will come out when it's ready... and when I'm ready... we'll be aligned then There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Wow! Ok... this is getting even more interesting... it's intense for me... I continued to repeat on being patient... So i'm going to go ahead and leave it like this. I've got goosebumps all over and I feel like there's a tenseness in my abdomen which seems to be affecting my whole body... I might have even stopped breathing... I need to relax! The last two nights I've been up until around 6 am... I've been noticing there are items in this room that's starting to slowly wave out energetically... it's even giving them an impression they are moving or something... lol I don't know how to explain it... I just am trying to express as openly as possibly can. (Again I didn't get to post anything polished yet... but damn clarification is coming)

I think I'm finding solutions or not... lol

Hello there! I'm new to this Forum and I'm wondering how to attach content. I've got an idea for my journal, and I want to download personal .pdf or .docx or even .jpg to insert into the thread. I see the insert other media button here. I understand insert image from URL and have been successful. Does that mean I cannot post images which aren't uploaded and published to the web already? I don't know how to use insert existing attachment. It says, "You do not have any existing attachments." How do I download attachments? Thanks in advance for the assistance.

@AndylizedAAY I don't have the choose files option available to me. I have placed a link that says Screenshot in blue in the above post before you posted. My area is empty. I'm not THAT illiterate with computers

@AndylizedAAY I didn't know either. Osaid gave me an example of code I could use without using the code button. I noticed he used [ ]. When I had learned a little code years maybe a decade ago I was used to seeing < >. I did a search and found the BBcode, and not I'm testing it out

@Osaid I'm looking at the BBcode for forums and I'm actually testing it out. This should link to the Screenshot I apologize just trying to figure out my limits in the forum.

@Osaid ‎ The computer isn't a year yet and the last modification of Chrome was Wednesday, ‎March ‎29, ‎2023, ‏‎7:23:09 PM It's ok... it would be easier to have the choose files options, but it's not going to stop me from trying other ideas. I'm trying to do something complex in my journal and I'm trying how to make it work... I will eventually. Even it's to not make it so complex.. lol

@Osaid Well.. I switched to chrome and it's still missing. Let me see if the code is working OK . Alrighty... that's working... that will give me the more options that I'm looking for... Thanks again!

@Osaid Ok... I am not using Google Chrome. It's Microsoft Edge... I'll see if that makes a difference. And just putting code directly instead of the code button is something I hadn't tried yet. Awesome! I'll check it out. Thanks!

@Osaid No I don't... that light gray box is mostly empty. I have the insert other media button on the right side only.

@Osaid First of all, Thank you for your help! I figured it would be a simple procedure, but I haven't been able to figure it out. hmmm... I don't see the blue underlined "choose files." I don't see it next to the "insert other media" button and I don't see it on the drop-down window of the "insert other media" button either. I've been looking for "choose files" or "upload" somewhere. I thought I figured it out... how to do it through URL but that didn't work either. I took a screen shot and placed into a Facebook album. I set the album as public and changed my profile as public. I pasted the URL, and it turns red. It doesn't allow me to do it. In fact, I was successful to insert two pieces of my art into a post using URL. My "insert existing attachment" is blank. Maybe there's something not working properly with my account? I don't know. If not, I'll learn how to work with the parameters I have. Thanks again! P.S. Do you have any knowledge of basic html? Or specifically how to use the "code" button. I tried to insert the capability to highlight sentences with different colors and was unsuccessful with that attempt too.

@Swarnim

@caesar13 @Swarnim Hello there! I'm new around here... I was drawn to your post. I tried to see if I could find out whether you two have started a public journal yet. If you're struggling with something, maybe contemplating mainly with yourself could be a solution for you. I'm trying my first public journal and in one session I found it will be valuable to incorporate it with the Actualized experience. I validated something really important for myself. I specifically recommend it because you both say you are struggling with validation... but then you're directing your questions to other people to give you answers... which is persisting the problem because you're looking for validation from someone other than yourself... lol You're going to find out what is true for you isn't always true for others. You need to find your own truth. Take your questions and process them yourself... you can increase your consciousness without even being able to find an answer to your questions. You'll achieve a state where you won't need validation, but my suggestion for you would be choose a strategic move to help you get their sooner. If you don't trust yourself and your process yet, you can build these skills.

@Vrubel I wonder if there's a difference of meaning if I just subtly shift your words. As if I was communicating my perspective but using your thoughts as a reference. I am God which allows me to notice the beauty of being a demon. interesting...

Well hello there gentlemen! Leo has been one of the key tools who inspired me towards focused practices for six years now along with creative flow states, observation, mindfulness and contemplation, recognizing and processing triggers, and psychedelics. So grateful that I attracted Leo’s insights into my experience, and it’s admirable and encouraging to see others who enjoy sharing their passion freely as well. My first ever YouTube video was “How To Be A Strategic Motherfucker”, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Now most of my time is spent in my personal progression but find myself going back to see what Leo’s releasing nowadays. But that’s not why I decided to post for the first time on this forum. Bear with me while we bare a possibility that might just help you out. Have you thought about dancing, partner dancing, as a viable skill to help you get laid or find relationships? Let’s entertain the idea before completely rejecting it. We’ll put in some background particulars to help narrow down who this might be helpful for and some of my experience to recommend dancing and why. We’ll finally go through Leo’s advice and how it’s applicable to partner dancing. The word Maturing is deliberate. I’m going to assume that the masculines who would gain more benefits from this recommendation are those who are implementing the work and practices, not just the mental masterbators (at least not as the primary source; it’s fun, but). If you've been challenging yourself step by step through transformations in your life, then you’ll appreciate that this domain can transform as well… with consistent effort and action along with strong desire. This is not a quick fix and it’s not going to be easy for me to be concise. I’m a maturing feminine and I find I’m more open to trying new avenues because I’m curious how it will expand my potential and how it fits into the puzzle. Dancing is for all ages, but masculines and feminines who are in their 40s or older seem to be searching for events and activities that they can run into partners who aren’t wanting the party scene. As I’m maturing I’ve realized I gain no value in drinking. If you’ve shared this type of journey, you might have sensed a little pressure or uncomfortableness we find ourselves and others feel because you choose not to drink. This does not become an issue normally at a dance venue, because drinking is not the source of entertainment… the dance and music are. It’s common for people to be drinking water to hydrate. Now if you do drink, it’s available too, but you’re rarely going to find anyone getting smashed. Now I know this can help you get laid, but honestly and hopefully I’d like to recommend this to masculines who want opportunities for feminine relationships regardless of intimacy, friendships, or just getting use to feminine energy. I know the “friend zone” sounds like the worst place to be but… in the big picture, it can be a great steppingstone to obtain a larger social circle to hopefully meet feminines who don’t want to put you in the friend zone…which is where you want to be. And damn it… the feminines want to be there with you too! So, who is this lady and why the hell does she even care? Well…first of all, I’d like to admit that I originally skipped over this specific series “How To Get Laid” because I thought it didn’t apply to me personally; however, I have many, many masculine friends who talk to me about this all the time. I know, I know… I’m the epitome of the “friend zone” expert. But please don’t hate me yet. My personal transformations of sexuality and relationships of intimacy have been stretched, twisted, molded, and peculiar time over and I’m still learning. The stage I’m currently at is celibacy for years now and trust me I would have never believed it myself if I haven’t been actually living the process and receiving more fulfilment and wisdom then I imagined. It’s been one of my power moves and it's what’s working for me now, but don’t assume I’m promoting celibacy. It’s extremely challenging specifically at the beginning and only a select few would choose this technique towards self-mastery. It’s not going to be my story forever. I’m just extremely selective especially the more I develop myself, and yes, I’d rather have a profound connection along with attraction. I’ve found that I find almost everyone attractive; attractiveness is not only physical appearance. When Leo said that the feminine doesn’t really care about your looks… well you get confirmation from at least one woman that it’s true. Since I’ve chosen chastity, I still yearn for physical touch; it’s one of my top two love languages along with quality time. Lucky for me though, I was a professional ballroom dance instructor, and I know where I can get that ache nurtured… on the dance floor! Now let’s touch back on those masculines who are in my friend zone entourage. Some I’ve met on the dance floor, so they know the benefits and gain value in dancing. But many others don’t take my recommendation seriously, but they also aren’t Actualizers either (no matter how much I want them to be). They want me to hold them by the hand, but I’ve got my own vision driving me. I can share some of my time and energy to give them a taste which is pleasurable. They need to take the next actions to see if magic can happen through dancing or not. I don’t want to be their long-term dance partner. I want to be their long-term friend which can be more valuable. I’m not sure if it actually works to let them know that I went through a fear stage and a long building muscle memory stage. They only see where I am now and cannot imagine I wasn’t born like this. I admit to them that it seems like I was naturally drawn to dancing but to partner dance... that had to be learned. Something clicked inside and I decided to choose jobs that I was passionate about. I chose ballroom dance and teaching art at that time. The first attempt to enter the dance studio failed; I couldn’t open the front door. I needed a few more days to convince myself that the fear I’m having is not stronger than the desire to (A) dance more and (B) to learn more about something I’m passionate about. The world of partner dancing became much more complex and interesting the more I was there. The interrelationship in personal and collective psychology and sociology, not just physicality and creative expression was fascinating. My playfulness, quirkiness, and positive energy was being expressed and given more freely. I love love (the strong affectionate sensation). I’m a hopeful romantic still, and I want people to attract and connect to people who are compatible or even combustible (not literally). I have been that passionate cheerleader helping others to gain confidence and dance in balance and harmony with one another. But also, I’ve helped partners realize they no longer want to work together. This allows them and their partner the opportunity to find someone who desires that with them. I’m no longer a ballroom dance instructor; however, dance is a part of me and there is more I want to learn and experiment with. I thought that maybe if at least one courageous masculine could follow through, he may receive an unexpected surprise that might give him more than imagined. So, we may understand that everybody is in different states of consciousness at any given time in any given situation. I’d say I’m a bit more conscious of partner dancing than most. For me as a woman I ask, What do most feminines have in common? The desire to dance! Not only dancing, but being held by a masculine, feeling their energy, giving our energy, looking into their eyes and communicating without having to say a word. Depending on the style of dance it literally can be foreplay. To say the least it can be a ton of fun, but action has to be a choice taken by one who feels this might be a good fit for you. Ok let’s take some of the concepts Leo stated in the series and meld them with why I feel dancing could be a legit option for some. First of all, I agree that feminine energy is very attracted to strong masculine energy. The art of partner dance sets up sexual energies for success right from the start. It’s the two energies that may complicate the system. The feminine may want the control because it’s hard to trust, and the masculine may not have gained sufficient confidence, so they are timid in leading which doesn’t give clear direction. In the system of dance there is only one leader… the masculine. Now as you advance the masculine can gain enough confidence and experience to allow their feminine to share leadership, but I’m not going to cover that now. Right now, there is only one leader and honestly, it’s hard to convince the feminine that this is how she wants it really. It looks like a wrestling match instead of a dance when there are no clear distinctions on the lead. When the feminine has clear leadership, she then begins to understand that she can focus her attention on becoming the art instead of the artist. It can be exhilarating to surrender and enjoy the unexpected ride the artist chooses, but it takes time for her to realize this. When I say a strong masculine energy, it’s confidence and clear direction. This is doable in dancing mostly by realizing there is a system of dance and repetition. Once you see that you can systematically approach dance instead of needing natural creativity, then you can start gaining confidence that this is a skill you can build. Repetition will train your body and mind to move without having to think as much which gives you confidence. If you truly start to enjoy the process then dance can eventually transform into an expression. Next Leo suggests moving to a large city to gain more opportunities for the quantity of feminines. In most large cities in the States and internationally, you will find partner dance scenes which will include Salsa (Latin), Swing, and Tango. Depending on your personality and possibly if you’re particular with the style of music can help determine which works for you. I love it all! I love the white and uptight where you soar around together like the Waltz, Tango, or Foxtrot. And I also love to get down and brown. Travelling the world to dance as many styles as possible I can find is something I’m working on. But it seems the Latin scene is everywhere and fairly easy to learn if you want to get out there as soon as possible (and not to mention a wealth of diverse beautiful women). Leo suggested that you might have to make a big decision to move. Well, if you’re not quite ready for that step, but you are willing to travel to major cities around your current location, then you can look for dance classes and clubs as an activity to look for feminines. Many salsa clubs actually host free dance classes before they really start to light the floor on fire. You can also probably use YouTube to learn the basics too. Just remember advanced dancers started from ground zero at one time too… so you don’t have to be so self-conscious that you aren’t the best at the beginning. Since I remember the process and was aware of my development, I enjoy dancing with beginners. I like to give them my positive energy for their confidence to continue and build their muscle memory. Also, with beginners I’m not having to follow a thousand different moves so I can actually have a conversation. Which is great because you can ask them to sit, rest, and chat after the dance. When Leo talks about the cold approach, an actual dance venue geared for lets say Salsa night makes it advantageous for you. There are many women there and they mainly want to dance and socialize. They do not want to sit around unless they’re resting or engaging in an interesting conversation with someone (hopefully you). Technically you don’t even have to say much at a Salsa club… just extend out a hand which invites the ladies to the dance floor. A lot of times after a dance you both exchange a thankful acknowledgement and maybe mention to hopefully get another chance to dance later. Most dance communities are used to dancing with everyone there. Sometimes you might get a couple that wants to stick together, but in general people like to switch partners each dance. I would highly highly encourage you to develop your communication and socializing skills. But I also have a father who is extremely shy. It seems like it’s going to be impossible to drag him to a dance club; he would refuse to have a conversation period. But I’d first get him to at least try to just dance without talking. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that there are ways to ease into this process; it’s not impossible to build new skills. If you prefer the “day game” approach, then this would be an excellent suggestion for the ladies to go out dancing with you for the “night game” which could lead to some fun results. You can admit you’re a beginner to these “day game” ladies who will probably be new at dancing as well… so don’t be shy to invite her in your early stages. She will thank you for it later. If both of you are new it might be hard to have a conversation at the same time as moving, but it’s fun to mess up with each other. We are not looking for robots who are perfect at everything. You can relax into it and just laugh off the mistakes… it’s really not that big of a deal! Now I hear that all masculines are highly attracted to the feminines' physical appearance. And it’s harder for the feminine to change their appearance. Again, attraction combines multiple aspects to one’s character along with physicality. Leo mentioned that men might also blame the size of their package as an excuse for not being successful with women. Well let’s remember a cliche: it's not the size that matters; it’s how you use it. Well… that can be translated for both genders. Some women might not score as a 10 on the physical aspect. But that score could possibly increase once you see them move. So, keep that in mind gentlemen. After you’ve gained your confidence (with consistent effort and practice which takes time), your skills in dance have now boosted your score in the feminines’ mind as well. Also, with advancing your skills the whole physical escalation techniques can be masterful and tasteful during dance. Believe it or not it can be encouraged by almost every feminine you dance with. If you want to play the game, dancing can be a great tease-please game. People may find they enjoy the buildup… the suggestion and anticipation of something more. Delayed gratification can be very rewarding. If you’re doing the work in all areas of your life, you’re going to realize you are a 10. Once you’re a 10, you’re going to be looking for a 10 as well. 10s aren’t just physically beautiful. I feel if it’s only about the looks it’s more towards shallowness. Actualizers aren't shallow; we’re deep. A final warning that I feel responsible for at least putting it out there. These dance clubs can have a tight knit group of dancers. They usually know each other. So again, I recommend this for the maturing masculine. If you go around and only try hooking up with the ladies like a one-night stand type, I’m guessing your reputation will carry farther than you want. So, plan accordingly. Normally dancers anticipate being touched so touching isn’t considered creepy, but I do recommend being observant while you’re there. You can observe what’s considered acceptable in that spot. I always say yes to the first dance, but it doesn’t guarantee you a second. I’ve been dancing with hundreds of men, and I’ve only rejected two men after the first dance. One was too aggressive; trying to do advanced steps he wasn’t ready to lead at full speed and the other who was kissing my hands and arms after I told him I don’t want him to continue; I was surprised it even started. It can get exciting on the dance floor, but don’t try to take it farther unless you have consent. Take the conversation off the floor and see where that leads. Again, I’ll agree with Leo when feminines don’t want to look like they’re too easy. Also, we don't like it when masculines assume we’re too easy because we’re comfortable in our skin and like to smile. I’m telling you starting at the friend zone can give you time to check out options before going all in too soon. Learn how to be comfortable talking and feeling feminine energy. I laugh when I hear that we have to learn how to have normal conversations with people… I struggle with that myself, so we’ve got to practice. It all benefits us in the end. If dance doesn't work out for you, please gain the ability to be open to socializing somewhere (even like spiritual retreats). Find doors for you to meet the ones you’re looking for. We feminines are looking as well, so don’t give up!

@Vrubel Do you want to practice expressing yourself with a woman... because I'd love to hear what you meant. I've had my fair share of psychedelics. It's interesting to hear other's experiences. You mentioned you felt like that Demon in the painting once. What did you mean by that? If you don't mind. I took a better look at Vrubel's The Demon Seated. It's quite beautiful, in my opinion. Again, I like to let things flow out to express myself... so I'm going to talk from my perspective viewing this art. I saw myself drawn to the peace and beauty of nature's morning dawn. I notice this man almost hesitantly wanting to enjoy the same allure I notice. But there's hesitation by the way he can't really look directly at the beauty. For now, he's comfortable with the beauty in his periphery. His physical mannerism is telling me that he's been comfortable being closed off, but there's a desire to open up more but has uncertainties with himself. Behind him I noticed the landscape seems to be affected by the shadow he's created onto it. It seems more muted, distorted, and fragmented. Beautiful but maybe misunderstood if in a different context. The phenomena behind him seems to be hovering or maybe smothering at times. He's contemplating his decisions towards his future. It seems he's not focusing on the past where the exaggeration exists. Maybe that's why his past is fragmenting... he's been deconstructing his shadows. It's something he's been living yet has noticed there is not just one way to perceive life. There could be a new path, but maybe he thinks that it's not going to be as beautiful as it may seem. He's on the cusp of allowing hope to inspire him to change. It's beautiful!

@Yimpa If this is a skill you want to nurture, then be patient with yourself and be better conscious of the words you are saying and thinking to yourself and others. You're already making this your reality just like other things you want to continue to nurture. It seems like it doesn't happen as quickly as you think it should. But eventually you might appreciate why there might be a waiting period. I just want to say thank you for having these few conversations. I've been learning a lot from our interaction. I'm also very excited to hear some of the experiences you had from medical psychedelic therapy. I may be grossly oversimplifying... but you're giving me hope using psychedelics medically. It's as if I can compare people who use prescription drugs versus psychedelic treatment. When I speak to the different sides per se, many use prescription drugs assume they are going to just continue using these drugs forever because they've identified with whatever label they or society has given them. When I spoke to you using psychedelic treatments, you are becoming more conscious that absolutely it's possible for you to not identify with your labels, because one day you'll heal yourself to that point of understanding. It's hopeful to see the collective becoming more conscious.

Well, I haven't been on this forum for two days yet and man, I feel a bit uncomfortable... which is good; there's something I need to look at. A part of me is saying don't put yourself out there like this because there's going to be strong opinions that probably won't like what you're trying to say. But fuck it... I do the work and I'm going to go ahead and do it regardless of the fear I'm feeling right now. I have a suggestion about possibly adding some additional buttons on the profile page. One button is where you activate it yourself when you decide you need a break from the theory (forum), and you want to focus on the work (experience). Another button is where others can activate your button to suggest you should take a break from the theory (forum) for a temporary period of time, so you have the opportunity to do the work (experience). I don't know if this would help, but in theory it seems like it would. Why am I suggesting this? Well... as a newbie I'm trying to feel out what's going on here and to see if I can see myself fitting in. It's easy for me to see there's a lot of tension and drama going on especially directed towards Leo, and we can try to find solutions to turn this into a more constructive situation. Absolutely I am grateful to have found Actualized videos. I appreciate the vision Leo is creating, and if I can help in any way for that to continue... I will. I'm not saying Leo doesn't have his own shit to work on, but who doesn't? That's why there might be a solution on how the forum is structured. @Leo Gura We want you to be at your peak (energetically speaking in this situation). Trust me... you are reaching Actualizers who understand what's involved. To simplify it... there seems to be a huge gap between yourself and majority of the mental masterbators. Trust that there are Actualizers who don't have as much distance to the mental masterbators state who can remember, relate, and influence them easier. Some of these Actualizers have a different temperament and still like to play the games as well. I love your direct no bullshit teaching style. But in my experience as a teacher, most of whom I work with don't want to begin their learnings that way. So, I had to develop a more subtle approach and gained a well of patience. Trust there's a diverse group of Actualizers developing, who can take some of the drama that goes on. You don't have to waste your energy responding to every little thing. Maybe you can benefit from getting away from the forum for a while. Possibly? I asked myself: If I was Leo, what changes could I try to create different results on the Forum perspective. I want people to do the work! I know they are going to be addicted to the theory... so how can I, as an influencer, help these Forum members understand that the work is where the magic happens. Of course, I cannot make them work, but they are a part of my Forum so I can have more of a say at what goes on here. I know I've got a lot on my plate, so I don't have to read and respond to every person, because I'm focusing on the whole instead of each individual. But I do gain value participating with members. With a quick brainstorming moment... I came up with possibly using the button options. I want people to see how much balance it takes to do the work along with theory. Maybe there's a way to track how much time is spent on the forum researching theory and how much time is spent on experiencing. I might have gained relationships with the members because they've given me value and they fit into my niche of actualizing. But I've noticed that my intuition has been nudging me that I need to gain experience away from the theory (the Forum). So maybe there will be a button or a setting letting members know I've decided to take a break for a while, and I can come back and see how I've changed and see if anything has changed in other members. I also know there are many people who are blind to what the work really involves. They are addicted to making excuses, placing the blame on others, and drama. We know it's going to happen, but do I need to allow their toxicity to infect the Forum? I know they can be blind so maybe I'll put another button where the community can click on to suggest to that member they're stuck in theory. Recommend that they take a break from the forum for a while. It's not like I don't want them to return, but I also want to emphasize to them that the work is what's most important here. Maybe there has to be a certain number of members who clicks before they are timed out. Maybe the time out period is like a month. Maybe because this is my damn website, and I have the final say... If I decide this particular member needs a break, I don't need a certain number of votes per se; I'll just click my own button. Obviously, this button thing is just the starting point to see if there is a solution towards growth together. Having other opinions can really mature into something that might work better than it is now. The Forum community: Have you ever been so absorbed in something that you don't even notice how dysfunctional it's getting until an outsider points out the dysfunction? What's this Forum for? Where are we on our development when we are dealing with relationships? Are we working on changing our behaviors to be healthier? Have you actually been doing the work... honestly? When you are writing your comments, how are you feeling? You can ask yourself if your comments are constructive or not. You can disagree with others, that's natural. But can you work on responding in a respectful way? That takes work. Can we empathize with others when they're frustrated? That's been a huge challenge for me. I knew theoretically why I'm frustrated with others is because my own frustration in myself. I know I wish I could learn faster than I am. Because of my own frustration I was robotically lashing out to others who don't have the experience of growth as I have. I am learning I have my own pace as do others. It helps my frustration disappear when I accept myself more. I also realized most people place up walls of defense. I thought of myself as intelligent and persistent, well I can get around that wall. I thought one way or another I can find a way. I didn't see how much energy I was wasting especially if there are several walls I'm working on at once. If there is a wall of defense, leave it alone and respect that. Move on gain perspective. Allow the other person to take down their walls before approaching again. I want to see Actualizers differently from the herd, but how different are we really?

@ZenSwift Enjoy yourself if you give it a go