withinUverse

CHAOTIC RAMBLINGS IMPRESSIONS OF CHAOS Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. Another thing I noticed so far with my writing... i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. i definitely like it more for the public to read compared to this style of free flow. So this is a good point to give a try to edit the material and then have a polished piece afterwards. I'll try a different approach. I'll leave my ramblings. I'll copy and paste it and then I'll start editing. EDITING PROCESS hmm... what's the approach to edit this down. I know it's not in the appropriate order. I know most of this is going to be removed. Maybe I can show what's going to be removed. I want to go ahead and clarify how i'm giong to focus on topics and work my way towards my spiritual journey with Aya. How do I visually show the changes of movement? Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. So I had some good material and a good start from my first post so i'm copied and pasted so I can work with that context as well Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. So what's the sequence of the story? A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) I had to take a break. I felt like I was stuck and I was definitely distracted. Again I mentioned I returned to my dad's and it's easier for me to use his computer to use the keyboard to type out on the forum. His computer is in the room where he is mostly occupying majority of the time. He's set it up where the computer has two large screen tv's all clustered together. He's accustomed to watch three things at a time. I sit here to try to concentrate and it's very distracting. I haven't had a television for about eight years now... I am reminded how much time I can waste by watching television. My dad and I usually have our own space it's like we've split the house up where I have a bedroom and studio while my dad has his lounge area and bedroom. Also I feel like I want to discuss everything's going on at this time. I feel like there's a generational conditioning that's been very apparent in my awareness right now. I believe I mentioned he has his tendencies to be a hoarder and I've had these tendencies as well. I've been reducing my items especially when I left my home state five years ago. I was living in a home and I gave away most of my items, gave away my car, and moved into a little mountain village outside of the Rockies in Colorado. But there were those items that I just couldn't let go of so I end up bringing them back to my dad's. When I first arrived here I had taken my tubs from the garage and brought them in to go through I went through a big purge, but there's still items I know I don't want anymore so I feel like there's another purge right around the corner. I already have two tub fulls that are going to get donated. It's spring cleaning time. While I've been here I had to clear out a ton of items of my dads that just didn't get thrown away. I can't explain how many cardboard boxes he had held onto, plastic bottles, glass bottles, foam, etc. I couldn't just throw them away anymore... I want to be more conscious with trash so i started donating. I took him with me a few times to show him how easy it is. The recycling center in my hometown you just drive through. You don't have to get out of the car they do all the work. I have been designating tubs and boxes for sorting out the different materials that they accept. We had held off from recycling for most of the winter, but we have a shed where we can continue to store them and so on my break I went ahead and started getting those supplies gathered in my studio so I can take them tomorrow. We've got three days to take advantage of the center. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. I went to talk with a family member today... there's three of us who seem to be the family therapists per say. We don't have any degrees or anything. We just have more conscious awareness on our mental health. There's a second cousin whos been struggling for years now. And it's apparent to see the generational slow progression. My father's sister, in my opinion isn't developed in her mental awareness. I'm going to make a general statement but in our family in their age group... didn't express their feelings. They kept them inside and if somethiing was upsetting to them there wasn't a thought about getting help. It was more likely to ignore it. My aunt had three children. One of her daughters is having issues with her daughter. Now my cousin she's getting to see that her mental conditioning is not were she wants it to be. I'm not certain if this is because of the difficulties she's having with her daughter that it's more of a focal of her attention. She's know looking to get therapy to help her... shes' s in the late 40s-early 50s age group. Her daughter who my cousin wanted to talk to me about is in her late 20s. She wants the three of us to talk to her because her mom and her grandmother feel like they've reached their limit of being successful in guiding and assisting my second daughter. Now she's been conditioned by at least two generations of unhealthy mental awareness. Briefly she's got a lot going on but I'll just focus on one area of focus. She's now hitting herself when she's upset. She also suicidal. Another unfortunate piece to this... is she has a 3-4 year old son. Now he's watched his mom hitting herself as a coping habit... and they now see he's starting to do the same thing. Now we haven't gotten all the details but we were throwing around ideas. There was mention that our cousin wants the father to gain full custody of the child and i completely agree. She's not in a state to creat habits that's going to be healthy for the child. The father is still close to the family, so I feel like there might be opportunities for her to visit with him, but highly reduce the time she can spend. She's at the point of her life where she's not thinking about the future... she's going to think it's the end of the world if we support this. Generally maybe if we give her at least two years of detoxing and mental health therapy... she will be in a far better mental state to increase her time with her son, theoritical... we actually have no clue what that time line will be... it could be soon and it could be later... it depends on how conscious her helpers are whether it gets dragged out or not. But also the desire or willingness for her to want to change to help better herself which ultimately will translate with everyone around her including her son. We would assume she would be more aware that mental health issues is something to get help with if you aren't able to do it for yourself. So if we can get her into a type of therapy at her age. The son has already began his conditioning too, but if we can remove the toxic behaviors soon then later the more likely he can heal sooner then his mother. the longer she waits... the longer and more work will be needed to be applied for her son. We have a tentative plan to meet on Sunday. I asked what the setting was going to be... what will promote us to give her a safe family setting where she's not being attacked. Opportunity to do something all together, but also allow moments of one on one conversation... hopefully she might be comfortable with at least one of us to open up and express her feelings in a nonviolent manner. I've also spoke with a very close friend of mine earlier. I've been telling her about my experience with the forum and I had sent her information about possibly using the journal part of the forum. She had already mentioned a week ago that she wants to start a journal but she's never done one before. I told her just purge out her feelings and thoughts without caring or judging what she's writing. She said everytime she opens the journal her mind goes blank. She started her first sentence with exactly that statement. I said that's a great start. She said she also started writing affirmations. We worked on that a few years ago, but i told her that a journal could be just a place to purge. It doesn't have to be anything too structured. she's been dealing with an unhealthy relationship for over 10 years. Back and forth, back and forth... she know she's more conscious then he is, but she still cares and wants to hellp him. The last video Leo had posted was about gaslighting. Now I hadn't heard about gaslighting until my friend mentioned it years ago when she suspected he was doing that to her. So when I saw the word gaslighting I automatically thought of her. I started listening to first half of the video and I messaged her if she would be interested in possibly listening to the video. She accepted. She's starting to get to the point where she wants to take a more conscious effort in her self-development that's why I've been giving her possible ways to help her get process as she's going through everything. She's about to possibly go all-in with him, she's possibly going to switch up jobs, and she's possibly going to start a journal habit... she's has a full-time job with a house and yard to take care of and three dogs. It doesn't matter how much is on her plate I trust she's going to figure out what's going to work for her now. She's been gaining her confidence and she's looking to make some big changes. I want to support her as much as I can... but in truth I know she has to go through this process for herself so she can learn how to overcome the obstacles in her life. Which brings me back to my life. I also have some obstacles that I know I can overcome... so I know when you're working on yourself you're not just working on one topic and everything gets paused so you can deal with that one thing and then move onto the next and so on... it's all happening at once. So I want to start documenting what I'm dealing with as I go through this process of chaos to clarity... When it comes to my little buddy, Elvis... we've been together for about seven years now. We've been through so much already. When I first met him he was my roommate's cat and he allowed Elvis to just stay in one room without really giving him any affection or attention. I had to go in daily to love on him for I don't know how many months... 4-6 maybe before I got him out of the room. He would walk into other rooms but he wouldn't walk in the middle of the room... he would always slink around the walls and furniture he was so timid. I had another cat I had brought with me so I was learning how to share my time with both of them... she was already spoiled so she'd get jealous at first. Anyway... back to now we're staying at my dad's place and during the winter we had a cat who found a way to sneak in and out of the house through the crawlspace... my dad had a project he was working on in his bedroom where he's making a hot tub situation underneathe his bed so he had pulled the floor and he's got a levitating floor that's been rigged up. He's creative but he's only living on social security and so he uses the supplies that he has around the house. We might go into details later I'm not sure... well I'm sure we will but now is not the time. We've been a poverty status... income wise for most of my life. We aren't scarce in many other attributes of life, but money scarcity happens to be one condition I've also gained from my father. Back to my little guy... this stray that found her way in is pretty aggressive and would intimidate Elvis. He reverted going back into the closet mostly afraid to be out and about because of her. So we made a barrier between my space and my dads. We thought we can help feed her and also get warmth and a little love through the winter. She's back outside now but then now there's a little black cat that also found his way in as well. By the way my dad is not a "cat person" he likes animals and all but he wouldn't choose to get a cat as a pet. But I know how cat's respond to him and laugh because in his case the cats choose him and love him regardless if he recipricates the love back. He's a good guy so he's letting happen... this new one is skin and bones... he's got a bad eye that I don't think can be fixed so I'm calling him one-eyed Jack. But he's very much a loner so he's not trying to have any involvement with Elvis. We've taken down the barrier so they can roam around but there mostly staying on their own sides. Elvis is struggling because I've been spending so much time on my dad's space to use the computer. I'm trying to encourage him to join me in this space, but he has the memory of the first cat and is afraid or hesitant still... I can almost get him to come, but he chickens out. Traveling with Elvis has really helped me with my awareness of Fear and the balance of freedom. Maybe those stories will be brought too. Ok I feel better now... I had those thoughts in my head and now my dad's gone to bed... there's silence and my mind's more silent so I can now try to re-focus on editing the paragraphs I had earlier to create a concise entry of what my Journal will be and how it's going to be directed... for now... lol So where was I... I asked myself So what's the sequence of the story? I'll make a list of the areas i'd like to include and then see what order I'd like to use. Wait a minute let's listen to some music... lol I was listening to this on the first day when I tried to post for the first time. Actually I hadn't heard this song or artist before. This song was playing when I was gaining a huge insight and validation of where I am Spiritually... I was moved to tears at the time and it was the combination of the purge I was going through that was exremely deep for me and then in the background this song was playing... I figured I'd go ahead and share in case any of you are interested. I love music but I'm more of a random playlist person. So the artist is Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) the song is Aloha Ke Akua Enjoy! A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications with the collective B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) What I'm going to focus my topics on (daily life, address the programming I've gained, and lead to share my beginning of conscious spiritual journey (self-mastery) D) Insights (personal) as I go through this process Actually that brings up the fact there were two insights I gained that wasn't recorded because the failure to post. These insights helped me understand where I was trying to express in this Journal. I was journaling and purging it made it clear that 1) Other's don't understand me clearly, because of my chaotic style of my mind (That's how I go the title of my Journal... Chaos to Clarity... and then Leo suggested to make the title sexy so I thought I would add... Exposing Myself... because I don't want to hold anything back. The more honest i am with myself the deeper the rewards of this process.) The other insight 2) I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. That's why I'm going to have to wait to tell about my spiritual journal. I know I'm labeling it so it may seem like i'm not talking about spiritual work right now... but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. Here's a few sentences I found when I was going through my draft that I thought would be good for the introduction paragraph. but I've got to willing to try different things out. After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. As I was searching I noticed I was looking for content that wasn't there... so I'm going to go back through and check what I have written from the first post and also this post so far if I find anything else that would fit in this first group well... So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. Ok that's what I've found so let's start working with these inspirations to find the message I want to convey clearly. I know there was something I remember from the failed post... I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. I'm now going to copy and past in the order that might help guide me and also give a picture of how i'm trying to track down the "struggle" process of creating change in my life. Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here.but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me.I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me.I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge.That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price.but I've got to willing to try different things out.There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be.I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. Alright I like how the editing process is going... this is where a lot of the work is and I wanted to show that as accurtely as I can. So I'm going to go back and free-flow to try to put clarification in this first paragraph. I believe if I can get as many opportunities to free-flow that might be a good way to fine my authentic voice... i don't know but i'm going to try it out I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand my I'm having deja'vu right now. It's like I've remembered I was going to be doing this. beautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Alright I think I can work with this... I'm starting to get a bit tired so i'll start editing and see how long it takes. But i'll be finishing up this post soon. Again I'm not in a hurry to get this done. I'm enjoying this and I know it will come out when it's ready... and when I'm ready... we'll be aligned then There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Wow! Ok... this is getting even more interesting... it's intense for me... I continued to repeat on being patient... So i'm going to go ahead and leave it like this. I've got goosebumps all over and I feel like there's a tenseness in my abdomen which seems to be affecting my whole body... I might have even stopped breathing... I need to relax! The last two nights I've been up until around 6 am... I've been noticing there are items in this room that's starting to slowly wave out energetically... it's even giving them an impression they are moving or something... lol I don't know how to explain it... I just am trying to express as openly as possibly can. (Again I didn't get to post anything polished yet... but damn clarification is coming)

I think I'm finding solutions or not... lol

Hello there! I'm new to this Forum and I'm wondering how to attach content. I've got an idea for my journal, and I want to download personal .pdf or .docx or even .jpg to insert into the thread. I see the insert other media button here. I understand insert image from URL and have been successful. Does that mean I cannot post images which aren't uploaded and published to the web already? I don't know how to use insert existing attachment. It says, "You do not have any existing attachments." How do I download attachments? Thanks in advance for the assistance.

@AndylizedAAY I don't have the choose files option available to me. I have placed a link that says Screenshot in blue in the above post before you posted. My area is empty. I'm not THAT illiterate with computers

@AndylizedAAY I didn't know either. Osaid gave me an example of code I could use without using the code button. I noticed he used [ ]. When I had learned a little code years maybe a decade ago I was used to seeing < >. I did a search and found the BBcode, and not I'm testing it out

@Osaid I'm looking at the BBcode for forums and I'm actually testing it out. This should link to the Screenshot I apologize just trying to figure out my limits in the forum.

@Osaid ‎ The computer isn't a year yet and the last modification of Chrome was Wednesday, ‎March ‎29, ‎2023, ‏‎7:23:09 PM It's ok... it would be easier to have the choose files options, but it's not going to stop me from trying other ideas. I'm trying to do something complex in my journal and I'm trying how to make it work... I will eventually. Even it's to not make it so complex.. lol

@Osaid Well.. I switched to chrome and it's still missing. Let me see if the code is working OK . Alrighty... that's working... that will give me the more options that I'm looking for... Thanks again!

@Osaid Ok... I am not using Google Chrome. It's Microsoft Edge... I'll see if that makes a difference. And just putting code directly instead of the code button is something I hadn't tried yet. Awesome! I'll check it out. Thanks!

@Osaid No I don't... that light gray box is mostly empty. I have the insert other media button on the right side only.

@Osaid First of all, Thank you for your help! I figured it would be a simple procedure, but I haven't been able to figure it out. hmmm... I don't see the blue underlined "choose files." I don't see it next to the "insert other media" button and I don't see it on the drop-down window of the "insert other media" button either. I've been looking for "choose files" or "upload" somewhere. I thought I figured it out... how to do it through URL but that didn't work either. I took a screen shot and placed into a Facebook album. I set the album as public and changed my profile as public. I pasted the URL, and it turns red. It doesn't allow me to do it. In fact, I was successful to insert two pieces of my art into a post using URL. My "insert existing attachment" is blank. Maybe there's something not working properly with my account? I don't know. If not, I'll learn how to work with the parameters I have. Thanks again! P.S. Do you have any knowledge of basic html? Or specifically how to use the "code" button. I tried to insert the capability to highlight sentences with different colors and was unsuccessful with that attempt too.

@Swarnim

@caesar13 @Swarnim Hello there! I'm new around here... I was drawn to your post. I tried to see if I could find out whether you two have started a public journal yet. If you're struggling with something, maybe contemplating mainly with yourself could be a solution for you. I'm trying my first public journal and in one session I found it will be valuable to incorporate it with the Actualized experience. I validated something really important for myself. I specifically recommend it because you both say you are struggling with validation... but then you're directing your questions to other people to give you answers... which is persisting the problem because you're looking for validation from someone other than yourself... lol You're going to find out what is true for you isn't always true for others. You need to find your own truth. Take your questions and process them yourself... you can increase your consciousness without even being able to find an answer to your questions. You'll achieve a state where you won't need validation, but my suggestion for you would be choose a strategic move to help you get their sooner. If you don't trust yourself and your process yet, you can build these skills.

@Vrubel I wonder if there's a difference of meaning if I just subtly shift your words. As if I was communicating my perspective but using your thoughts as a reference. I am God which allows me to notice the beauty of being a demon. interesting...

Well hello there gentlemen! Leo has been one of the key tools who inspired me towards focused practices for six years now along with creative flow states, observation, mindfulness and contemplation, recognizing and processing triggers, and psychedelics. So grateful that I attracted Leo’s insights into my experience, and it’s admirable and encouraging to see others who enjoy sharing their passion freely as well. My first ever YouTube video was “How To Be A Strategic Motherfucker”, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Now most of my time is spent in my personal progression but find myself going back to see what Leo’s releasing nowadays. But that’s not why I decided to post for the first time on this forum. Bear with me while we bare a possibility that might just help you out. Have you thought about dancing, partner dancing, as a viable skill to help you get laid or find relationships? Let’s entertain the idea before completely rejecting it. We’ll put in some background particulars to help narrow down who this might be helpful for and some of my experience to recommend dancing and why. We’ll finally go through Leo’s advice and how it’s applicable to partner dancing. The word Maturing is deliberate. I’m going to assume that the masculines who would gain more benefits from this recommendation are those who are implementing the work and practices, not just the mental masterbators (at least not as the primary source; it’s fun, but). If you've been challenging yourself step by step through transformations in your life, then you’ll appreciate that this domain can transform as well… with consistent effort and action along with strong desire. This is not a quick fix and it’s not going to be easy for me to be concise. I’m a maturing feminine and I find I’m more open to trying new avenues because I’m curious how it will expand my potential and how it fits into the puzzle. Dancing is for all ages, but masculines and feminines who are in their 40s or older seem to be searching for events and activities that they can run into partners who aren’t wanting the party scene. As I’m maturing I’ve realized I gain no value in drinking. If you’ve shared this type of journey, you might have sensed a little pressure or uncomfortableness we find ourselves and others feel because you choose not to drink. This does not become an issue normally at a dance venue, because drinking is not the source of entertainment… the dance and music are. It’s common for people to be drinking water to hydrate. Now if you do drink, it’s available too, but you’re rarely going to find anyone getting smashed. Now I know this can help you get laid, but honestly and hopefully I’d like to recommend this to masculines who want opportunities for feminine relationships regardless of intimacy, friendships, or just getting use to feminine energy. I know the “friend zone” sounds like the worst place to be but… in the big picture, it can be a great steppingstone to obtain a larger social circle to hopefully meet feminines who don’t want to put you in the friend zone…which is where you want to be. And damn it… the feminines want to be there with you too! So, who is this lady and why the hell does she even care? Well…first of all, I’d like to admit that I originally skipped over this specific series “How To Get Laid” because I thought it didn’t apply to me personally; however, I have many, many masculine friends who talk to me about this all the time. I know, I know… I’m the epitome of the “friend zone” expert. But please don’t hate me yet. My personal transformations of sexuality and relationships of intimacy have been stretched, twisted, molded, and peculiar time over and I’m still learning. The stage I’m currently at is celibacy for years now and trust me I would have never believed it myself if I haven’t been actually living the process and receiving more fulfilment and wisdom then I imagined. It’s been one of my power moves and it's what’s working for me now, but don’t assume I’m promoting celibacy. It’s extremely challenging specifically at the beginning and only a select few would choose this technique towards self-mastery. It’s not going to be my story forever. I’m just extremely selective especially the more I develop myself, and yes, I’d rather have a profound connection along with attraction. I’ve found that I find almost everyone attractive; attractiveness is not only physical appearance. When Leo said that the feminine doesn’t really care about your looks… well you get confirmation from at least one woman that it’s true. Since I’ve chosen chastity, I still yearn for physical touch; it’s one of my top two love languages along with quality time. Lucky for me though, I was a professional ballroom dance instructor, and I know where I can get that ache nurtured… on the dance floor! Now let’s touch back on those masculines who are in my friend zone entourage. Some I’ve met on the dance floor, so they know the benefits and gain value in dancing. But many others don’t take my recommendation seriously, but they also aren’t Actualizers either (no matter how much I want them to be). They want me to hold them by the hand, but I’ve got my own vision driving me. I can share some of my time and energy to give them a taste which is pleasurable. They need to take the next actions to see if magic can happen through dancing or not. I don’t want to be their long-term dance partner. I want to be their long-term friend which can be more valuable. I’m not sure if it actually works to let them know that I went through a fear stage and a long building muscle memory stage. They only see where I am now and cannot imagine I wasn’t born like this. I admit to them that it seems like I was naturally drawn to dancing but to partner dance... that had to be learned. Something clicked inside and I decided to choose jobs that I was passionate about. I chose ballroom dance and teaching art at that time. The first attempt to enter the dance studio failed; I couldn’t open the front door. I needed a few more days to convince myself that the fear I’m having is not stronger than the desire to (A) dance more and (B) to learn more about something I’m passionate about. The world of partner dancing became much more complex and interesting the more I was there. The interrelationship in personal and collective psychology and sociology, not just physicality and creative expression was fascinating. My playfulness, quirkiness, and positive energy was being expressed and given more freely. I love love (the strong affectionate sensation). I’m a hopeful romantic still, and I want people to attract and connect to people who are compatible or even combustible (not literally). I have been that passionate cheerleader helping others to gain confidence and dance in balance and harmony with one another. But also, I’ve helped partners realize they no longer want to work together. This allows them and their partner the opportunity to find someone who desires that with them. I’m no longer a ballroom dance instructor; however, dance is a part of me and there is more I want to learn and experiment with. I thought that maybe if at least one courageous masculine could follow through, he may receive an unexpected surprise that might give him more than imagined. So, we may understand that everybody is in different states of consciousness at any given time in any given situation. I’d say I’m a bit more conscious of partner dancing than most. For me as a woman I ask, What do most feminines have in common? The desire to dance! Not only dancing, but being held by a masculine, feeling their energy, giving our energy, looking into their eyes and communicating without having to say a word. Depending on the style of dance it literally can be foreplay. To say the least it can be a ton of fun, but action has to be a choice taken by one who feels this might be a good fit for you. Ok let’s take some of the concepts Leo stated in the series and meld them with why I feel dancing could be a legit option for some. First of all, I agree that feminine energy is very attracted to strong masculine energy. The art of partner dance sets up sexual energies for success right from the start. It’s the two energies that may complicate the system. The feminine may want the control because it’s hard to trust, and the masculine may not have gained sufficient confidence, so they are timid in leading which doesn’t give clear direction. In the system of dance there is only one leader… the masculine. Now as you advance the masculine can gain enough confidence and experience to allow their feminine to share leadership, but I’m not going to cover that now. Right now, there is only one leader and honestly, it’s hard to convince the feminine that this is how she wants it really. It looks like a wrestling match instead of a dance when there are no clear distinctions on the lead. When the feminine has clear leadership, she then begins to understand that she can focus her attention on becoming the art instead of the artist. It can be exhilarating to surrender and enjoy the unexpected ride the artist chooses, but it takes time for her to realize this. When I say a strong masculine energy, it’s confidence and clear direction. This is doable in dancing mostly by realizing there is a system of dance and repetition. Once you see that you can systematically approach dance instead of needing natural creativity, then you can start gaining confidence that this is a skill you can build. Repetition will train your body and mind to move without having to think as much which gives you confidence. If you truly start to enjoy the process then dance can eventually transform into an expression. Next Leo suggests moving to a large city to gain more opportunities for the quantity of feminines. In most large cities in the States and internationally, you will find partner dance scenes which will include Salsa (Latin), Swing, and Tango. Depending on your personality and possibly if you’re particular with the style of music can help determine which works for you. I love it all! I love the white and uptight where you soar around together like the Waltz, Tango, or Foxtrot. And I also love to get down and brown. Travelling the world to dance as many styles as possible I can find is something I’m working on. But it seems the Latin scene is everywhere and fairly easy to learn if you want to get out there as soon as possible (and not to mention a wealth of diverse beautiful women). Leo suggested that you might have to make a big decision to move. Well, if you’re not quite ready for that step, but you are willing to travel to major cities around your current location, then you can look for dance classes and clubs as an activity to look for feminines. Many salsa clubs actually host free dance classes before they really start to light the floor on fire. You can also probably use YouTube to learn the basics too. Just remember advanced dancers started from ground zero at one time too… so you don’t have to be so self-conscious that you aren’t the best at the beginning. Since I remember the process and was aware of my development, I enjoy dancing with beginners. I like to give them my positive energy for their confidence to continue and build their muscle memory. Also, with beginners I’m not having to follow a thousand different moves so I can actually have a conversation. Which is great because you can ask them to sit, rest, and chat after the dance. When Leo talks about the cold approach, an actual dance venue geared for lets say Salsa night makes it advantageous for you. There are many women there and they mainly want to dance and socialize. They do not want to sit around unless they’re resting or engaging in an interesting conversation with someone (hopefully you). Technically you don’t even have to say much at a Salsa club… just extend out a hand which invites the ladies to the dance floor. A lot of times after a dance you both exchange a thankful acknowledgement and maybe mention to hopefully get another chance to dance later. Most dance communities are used to dancing with everyone there. Sometimes you might get a couple that wants to stick together, but in general people like to switch partners each dance. I would highly highly encourage you to develop your communication and socializing skills. But I also have a father who is extremely shy. It seems like it’s going to be impossible to drag him to a dance club; he would refuse to have a conversation period. But I’d first get him to at least try to just dance without talking. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that there are ways to ease into this process; it’s not impossible to build new skills. If you prefer the “day game” approach, then this would be an excellent suggestion for the ladies to go out dancing with you for the “night game” which could lead to some fun results. You can admit you’re a beginner to these “day game” ladies who will probably be new at dancing as well… so don’t be shy to invite her in your early stages. She will thank you for it later. If both of you are new it might be hard to have a conversation at the same time as moving, but it’s fun to mess up with each other. We are not looking for robots who are perfect at everything. You can relax into it and just laugh off the mistakes… it’s really not that big of a deal! Now I hear that all masculines are highly attracted to the feminines' physical appearance. And it’s harder for the feminine to change their appearance. Again, attraction combines multiple aspects to one’s character along with physicality. Leo mentioned that men might also blame the size of their package as an excuse for not being successful with women. Well let’s remember a cliche: it's not the size that matters; it’s how you use it. Well… that can be translated for both genders. Some women might not score as a 10 on the physical aspect. But that score could possibly increase once you see them move. So, keep that in mind gentlemen. After you’ve gained your confidence (with consistent effort and practice which takes time), your skills in dance have now boosted your score in the feminines’ mind as well. Also, with advancing your skills the whole physical escalation techniques can be masterful and tasteful during dance. Believe it or not it can be encouraged by almost every feminine you dance with. If you want to play the game, dancing can be a great tease-please game. People may find they enjoy the buildup… the suggestion and anticipation of something more. Delayed gratification can be very rewarding. If you’re doing the work in all areas of your life, you’re going to realize you are a 10. Once you’re a 10, you’re going to be looking for a 10 as well. 10s aren’t just physically beautiful. I feel if it’s only about the looks it’s more towards shallowness. Actualizers aren't shallow; we’re deep. A final warning that I feel responsible for at least putting it out there. These dance clubs can have a tight knit group of dancers. They usually know each other. So again, I recommend this for the maturing masculine. If you go around and only try hooking up with the ladies like a one-night stand type, I’m guessing your reputation will carry farther than you want. So, plan accordingly. Normally dancers anticipate being touched so touching isn’t considered creepy, but I do recommend being observant while you’re there. You can observe what’s considered acceptable in that spot. I always say yes to the first dance, but it doesn’t guarantee you a second. I’ve been dancing with hundreds of men, and I’ve only rejected two men after the first dance. One was too aggressive; trying to do advanced steps he wasn’t ready to lead at full speed and the other who was kissing my hands and arms after I told him I don’t want him to continue; I was surprised it even started. It can get exciting on the dance floor, but don’t try to take it farther unless you have consent. Take the conversation off the floor and see where that leads. Again, I’ll agree with Leo when feminines don’t want to look like they’re too easy. Also, we don't like it when masculines assume we’re too easy because we’re comfortable in our skin and like to smile. I’m telling you starting at the friend zone can give you time to check out options before going all in too soon. Learn how to be comfortable talking and feeling feminine energy. I laugh when I hear that we have to learn how to have normal conversations with people… I struggle with that myself, so we’ve got to practice. It all benefits us in the end. If dance doesn't work out for you, please gain the ability to be open to socializing somewhere (even like spiritual retreats). Find doors for you to meet the ones you’re looking for. We feminines are looking as well, so don’t give up!

@Vrubel Do you want to practice expressing yourself with a woman... because I'd love to hear what you meant. I've had my fair share of psychedelics. It's interesting to hear other's experiences. You mentioned you felt like that Demon in the painting once. What did you mean by that? If you don't mind. I took a better look at Vrubel's The Demon Seated. It's quite beautiful, in my opinion. Again, I like to let things flow out to express myself... so I'm going to talk from my perspective viewing this art. I saw myself drawn to the peace and beauty of nature's morning dawn. I notice this man almost hesitantly wanting to enjoy the same allure I notice. But there's hesitation by the way he can't really look directly at the beauty. For now, he's comfortable with the beauty in his periphery. His physical mannerism is telling me that he's been comfortable being closed off, but there's a desire to open up more but has uncertainties with himself. Behind him I noticed the landscape seems to be affected by the shadow he's created onto it. It seems more muted, distorted, and fragmented. Beautiful but maybe misunderstood if in a different context. The phenomena behind him seems to be hovering or maybe smothering at times. He's contemplating his decisions towards his future. It seems he's not focusing on the past where the exaggeration exists. Maybe that's why his past is fragmenting... he's been deconstructing his shadows. It's something he's been living yet has noticed there is not just one way to perceive life. There could be a new path, but maybe he thinks that it's not going to be as beautiful as it may seem. He's on the cusp of allowing hope to inspire him to change. It's beautiful!

@Yimpa If this is a skill you want to nurture, then be patient with yourself and be better conscious of the words you are saying and thinking to yourself and others. You're already making this your reality just like other things you want to continue to nurture. It seems like it doesn't happen as quickly as you think it should. But eventually you might appreciate why there might be a waiting period. I just want to say thank you for having these few conversations. I've been learning a lot from our interaction. I'm also very excited to hear some of the experiences you had from medical psychedelic therapy. I may be grossly oversimplifying... but you're giving me hope using psychedelics medically. It's as if I can compare people who use prescription drugs versus psychedelic treatment. When I speak to the different sides per se, many use prescription drugs assume they are going to just continue using these drugs forever because they've identified with whatever label they or society has given them. When I spoke to you using psychedelic treatments, you are becoming more conscious that absolutely it's possible for you to not identify with your labels, because one day you'll heal yourself to that point of understanding. It's hopeful to see the collective becoming more conscious.

Well, I haven't been on this forum for two days yet and man, I feel a bit uncomfortable... which is good; there's something I need to look at. A part of me is saying don't put yourself out there like this because there's going to be strong opinions that probably won't like what you're trying to say. But fuck it... I do the work and I'm going to go ahead and do it regardless of the fear I'm feeling right now. I have a suggestion about possibly adding some additional buttons on the profile page. One button is where you activate it yourself when you decide you need a break from the theory (forum), and you want to focus on the work (experience). Another button is where others can activate your button to suggest you should take a break from the theory (forum) for a temporary period of time, so you have the opportunity to do the work (experience). I don't know if this would help, but in theory it seems like it would. Why am I suggesting this? Well... as a newbie I'm trying to feel out what's going on here and to see if I can see myself fitting in. It's easy for me to see there's a lot of tension and drama going on especially directed towards Leo, and we can try to find solutions to turn this into a more constructive situation. Absolutely I am grateful to have found Actualized videos. I appreciate the vision Leo is creating, and if I can help in any way for that to continue... I will. I'm not saying Leo doesn't have his own shit to work on, but who doesn't? That's why there might be a solution on how the forum is structured. @Leo Gura We want you to be at your peak (energetically speaking in this situation). Trust me... you are reaching Actualizers who understand what's involved. To simplify it... there seems to be a huge gap between yourself and majority of the mental masterbators. Trust that there are Actualizers who don't have as much distance to the mental masterbators state who can remember, relate, and influence them easier. Some of these Actualizers have a different temperament and still like to play the games as well. I love your direct no bullshit teaching style. But in my experience as a teacher, most of whom I work with don't want to begin their learnings that way. So, I had to develop a more subtle approach and gained a well of patience. Trust there's a diverse group of Actualizers developing, who can take some of the drama that goes on. You don't have to waste your energy responding to every little thing. Maybe you can benefit from getting away from the forum for a while. Possibly? I asked myself: If I was Leo, what changes could I try to create different results on the Forum perspective. I want people to do the work! I know they are going to be addicted to the theory... so how can I, as an influencer, help these Forum members understand that the work is where the magic happens. Of course, I cannot make them work, but they are a part of my Forum so I can have more of a say at what goes on here. I know I've got a lot on my plate, so I don't have to read and respond to every person, because I'm focusing on the whole instead of each individual. But I do gain value participating with members. With a quick brainstorming moment... I came up with possibly using the button options. I want people to see how much balance it takes to do the work along with theory. Maybe there's a way to track how much time is spent on the forum researching theory and how much time is spent on experiencing. I might have gained relationships with the members because they've given me value and they fit into my niche of actualizing. But I've noticed that my intuition has been nudging me that I need to gain experience away from the theory (the Forum). So maybe there will be a button or a setting letting members know I've decided to take a break for a while, and I can come back and see how I've changed and see if anything has changed in other members. I also know there are many people who are blind to what the work really involves. They are addicted to making excuses, placing the blame on others, and drama. We know it's going to happen, but do I need to allow their toxicity to infect the Forum? I know they can be blind so maybe I'll put another button where the community can click on to suggest to that member they're stuck in theory. Recommend that they take a break from the forum for a while. It's not like I don't want them to return, but I also want to emphasize to them that the work is what's most important here. Maybe there has to be a certain number of members who clicks before they are timed out. Maybe the time out period is like a month. Maybe because this is my damn website, and I have the final say... If I decide this particular member needs a break, I don't need a certain number of votes per se; I'll just click my own button. Obviously, this button thing is just the starting point to see if there is a solution towards growth together. Having other opinions can really mature into something that might work better than it is now. The Forum community: Have you ever been so absorbed in something that you don't even notice how dysfunctional it's getting until an outsider points out the dysfunction? What's this Forum for? Where are we on our development when we are dealing with relationships? Are we working on changing our behaviors to be healthier? Have you actually been doing the work... honestly? When you are writing your comments, how are you feeling? You can ask yourself if your comments are constructive or not. You can disagree with others, that's natural. But can you work on responding in a respectful way? That takes work. Can we empathize with others when they're frustrated? That's been a huge challenge for me. I knew theoretically why I'm frustrated with others is because my own frustration in myself. I know I wish I could learn faster than I am. Because of my own frustration I was robotically lashing out to others who don't have the experience of growth as I have. I am learning I have my own pace as do others. It helps my frustration disappear when I accept myself more. I also realized most people place up walls of defense. I thought of myself as intelligent and persistent, well I can get around that wall. I thought one way or another I can find a way. I didn't see how much energy I was wasting especially if there are several walls I'm working on at once. If there is a wall of defense, leave it alone and respect that. Move on gain perspective. Allow the other person to take down their walls before approaching again. I want to see Actualizers differently from the herd, but how different are we really?

@ZenSwift Enjoy yourself if you give it a go

@Yimpa Absolutely sir... so again I'll remind you to watch your words. You're telling yourself what story you want to create; be deliberate. You're welcome. Knowing your values is valuable. I've found myself distancing with several friends. I still have their memories... and I'm open to attract each other back. I find I'm more deliberate with who I spend long periods of focus on. And I'm becoming more aware that when or if we meet again, they will be different from the memories of the person I once knew. I'll get the pleasure of meeting them and introducing the new version of myself.

I found this thread last night and I allowed myself some time to digest. I guess I want to purge out some of my thoughts. I know I've learned a lot from Leo's guidance, I'm sure there's more I can learn. I'm here to understand myself more, so what am I understanding from this post? First, I noticed I wanted to say I'm Awake. But then I started to break down this transformation I experienced that I called Awake. Why do I call it Awake? Well... it did seem like when I opened my eyes it was the first time I experienced whatever I was looking at. It was as if I didn't even know what the concept of seeing was. I didn't know what my body was and I didn't know what my surroundings were. It was the first real experience of now with no memory of the past and no concept of future. I was being. I was a blank slate at the slightest moment before I opened my view point. The view started to slowly move around but it wasn't like I could put words on the blank slate. There were no words. What are words? I truly did not know I didn't know because I didn't know I could think. I didn't even know what I was. I believe it's when I moved my view to the other person with me did my memory sweep right back in and gave me context and history. To me using the word Awake seemed to be a perfect description. But is it really? Maybe it's the most common word used now adays, so it was just convenient for me to use that word. Maybe it's easier to be lazy and maybe it's the only way others will understand. But who else would understand? Well maybe no one. Awake... Enlightenment... when I hear these words, to me they seem like they're definite or even a final state. Maybe that's why I assumed it was a completion of some kind. But do I feel completed.... do I feel like I'm finished? Absolutely not! So maybe these words aren't as accurate to what my experience was. And really were those moments the only experience that transformed me? No, there has been several and most I haven't even been able to explain. Others I'm completely fine if I don't understand at all. But how many times have I recontextualized my experiences? Countless... and do I all of a sudden feel like I don't need to continue recontextualizing? lol...no! Have I held myself back in some of those experiences? Yes, I found moments where I wasn't ready to face them yet. But do I know I'll be ready with patience and more experience? Yes. Do I know there's so much more for me to learn? Infinitely more! Does that make me feel daunted? Absolutely not, I'm enlivened! I need to find a better word for what I went through. I don't think I should use a noun. Descriptive words might be helpful. It seems like it was an action as well. I think I'll need more time, energy, and effort to come up with something other than Awake. Thank you @Leo Gura for your help in guiding me through this work in progress looking for more clarification for my future!

@Yimpa Wow... you're doing amazing! I'd say you're a man who does high consciousness work and being very successful with it. In fact, you're well on your way of not even having to mention your mental illnesses, neurodiverse, or OCD. You're healing yourself! Of course, with some help, but others aren't as conscious and see themselves always having to deal with it. It looks like you've got an opportunity to re-tell your story. I have a dear friend who had been taking xanax since middle school. She also abused her drug engagement. She ended up developing epilepsy. In fact, I was there when she started having them. Her addiction had gotten out of hand, and I couldn't watch... so I kept distance from her. I'd check in once in a while. I knew she ended up on disability because of her epilepsy, and she had an implant installed to help. Two years ago, we had a video conversation and I noticed she wasn't messed up. I happened to be in town, and asked if I could stop by. I was amazed she was recovering from her addiction. She had been sober for over a year. She still drinks casually, and she had medication for her epilepsy, but she said she's trying to ween herself off of them. She was finding that she wasn't having as many episodes. I am so happy for her... I can understand how much work it took for her to get clean. But I asked her if she could ever see herself without having epilepsy? She said during her addiction she couldn't see, but since her sobriety she feels like there's a possibility of it now. This story came up in my mind, so I'm wondering if it's ok for me to ask the same question to you. Seems like you're at a point where you know there's work to be done, but you're finding solutions. Could you ever see yourself without having mental illness, neurodiverse, or OCD?

@AndylizedAAY Well I've known about the forum so it's been stored back in my mind as a possibility. I happened to watch "the how to get laid" series after I skipped it, and I had a recommendation. I thought having a feminine perspective might help someone. I thought first to maybe just make a comment, but I figured I could give more information, so I thought I'd try out the forum. There's were a few days before I was accepted and there's my mind wondering if I wanted to get involved with the forum or not. I haven't been involved with a forum before so I figured it would be a good opportunity to check it out. I assumed there would be people here that I could relate with and vice versa. I want to ask myself... why am I still using the forum? I've been gaining benefits in just a few days. I went through a drastic transformation in my life, and I'm now getting an opportunity to see how I'm processing information and how I'm responding differently using this new format. I'm still feeling out the way to proceed. As an example, I want to answer your question. I decided to choose to tell you the brief days before I got on. But in another sense, everything has brought me to this moment too. In this moment what can I choose to express and how? I decided to redirect the question because I thought maybe I can gain a better understanding of where I'm at in this process. That is what's so different about this being my first forum. I'm conscious our conversation is public. I'm assuming others are building their consciousness... maybe I can respond in a way that can help or possibly teach others who can understand my style of presentation. I know I'm learning from having conversations here. Maybe there's different styles of presentation I can develop. I feel like I want to be open and vulnerable, and I feel like I want to reply with my process of thought. I find that the words I'm reading can be digested in so many more ways than usual. I feel like I'm looking for more clarification from others and myself. I'm figuring out how many assumptions I've had about someone's words... and yet it's almost like I'm trying to clarify what level of consciousness they are in too. Maybe I'm trying to find a way to communicate on different levels of consciousness so the person I'm speaking with understands, but also others who are at a different level. I know I've experienced this myself. One year I can read or hear something and there was an understanding. But when I return to the same source, I understand more. I realize my consciousness grew and I was able to allow more information in. I haven't posted much, but I'm trying to find a way that's effective. I want to get better at this so I feel this forum will help me build better communication skills. What about you? What brought you here and why do you continue using the forum?

@Understander Thank you! I hadn't seen there was a new one posted. Thank you, truly

@Understander I apologize if we were together and chatting it up and I would have more context than I'd be able to perceive the joke. I'm learning how to better interpret words online without voice intonation and physical cues. I'm aware that we're having a conversation in a conscious building Forum where our conversations are public. I want to be respectful to you and engage, but I also want to engage with others in our community who might be reading as well. I know I can be intense and so you all are helping me be more casual when I'm dealing with consciousness work. Be patient with me... I'm learning