withinUverse

My Aya buddy got me into this group... Let's check out Lettuce the Elevate album Enjoy! So I'm going to baby sit my cousin's little one year boy in the morning... so I figured I can't wait until late tonight for my dad to start reading before he goes to bed. He's doing projects outside so I can turn off the tvs... turn on some music and see where the Journal leads. First after last session I like where I'm giong with this message... I'm not sure if it's an affirmation... I already see the affirmation but that's not exactly my expression... I think I'm going to write a poem. I used to write poems when i was in middle school and high school... I haven't attempted to write a poem since then, but it seems like I might try it again. Not only do I want it to be sensuous yes but I'd like to incorporate many aspects of my interests... maybe it's a long poem of how i experience the love of existence through my direct experiences I enjoy most... I'm not sure but I woke up laughing this morning from my sleep. The last thing I could remember was I typed out words and they were just fragments... so I think my brother was reading it and he said you are not doing well at communicating... lol... he couldn't understand what I had written... I started getting me to think that that's one thing about loving existence. I love games... strategic and logical... well many different kinds.... lol... once I started driving and hanging out with my friends I'd load the back seat of my car with board games. I would feel out the crowd and if there was any hint that people might be interested in playing games... i'd start to ask what type of game are they interested playing... lol... But I saw those fragmented words and it reminded me of puzzles I enjoy.. I have gaps and with existence if filled those gaps to give me a large picture... so yeah games, I love to paint and draw, sew, dance, design, build, music, cooking, etc. things of this nature... using these words to build a personal description of my experience of falling in love with existence and myself ultimately. So I know Leo had suggested to try not to hide and show the "struggle" going on... and so the most recent experiences that I can see which are closer to struggle would be my desire to not go all in on the people who are struggling right now. It's hard to explain but most of my life i put others needs before mine and i've been learning that i may wish to help but I could only help from the current level of consiousness and wellness. I think I've mentioned this before. And eventhough I'm better I've still been robotically trying to help other people. But I find again and again that I spend my energy, time, and focus on them that I completely ignore any signs of my own energy, time , and focus depleting. Well... that's why i needed this time to rest. I kind of explain it to people Im starting to talk to again. I went MIA because I didn't want anyone to know where I am so it took away more opportunities for me to allow people to reel me in. It may sound bad, but I need this time for me to be better for others and I'm more aware of my energy levels and my sensitivity. I started to show myself a little more and I've been very selective of whom and where I go and visit with. Eventhough I limit myself with people I want to engage with I still find myself... getting roped in to help. Of course I want to and I will help to some extent, but I have to really ask myself to what extent will I allow my involvement. So I have been talking about my second cousin. It's obvious she needs help and there seems to be a number of people in her life that wants to help. They have an investment not only in here but they live here and they plan on spending years here regardless if they are helping her or not. What about me? I feel like if I want to be effective I'd have to go all in which in my mind is to tie myself down here for a few years. I'd have to ignore my messages and give my energy to her to help her teach herself to heal. She's not wanting help and actually we're all waiting for her now... when she's ready she's supposed to go to her mom and she'll let us know. I don't want to spend years doing that. I don't know if I have any more then months I want to spend here.. lol. But how can I be effective? I think i'm already doing it. I spoke to another "family therapist" member... lol... she's very similar to me and loves to help, but also like me she doesn't see how much her energy is being spread thin. With her history she's going to be very helpful in assisting our second cousin. In fact she's got the time and the location... it seems like she has the desire as well. She has her own daughter dealing with mental issues I guess... and she's coming back for the summer or even an extended amount of time since she's graduating this year from college. So I asked my cousin... where do you want to put your energy? What's really important to you right now. She might need to start narrowing down all the numerous energy vampires she might still be holding their hands. There are several she knows they just don't want to do it for themselves but they are mature enough to figure it out on their own. She would prefer to focus on her own children and possibly our second cousin. I told her that's a serious resposibility and there's going to be a lot of work that she's going to have to dedicate her time, energy, and focus. Technically she's not working and she's uncomfortable with that but again like me she finds it hard to work under leaders who are less conscious... she would like to create a healing center somehow... she thought young children since she's been a teacher and a principal...so it's what she's used to. but she admits that maybe age isn't really going to stop her anymore. I see this as a wonderful opportunity for her to learn her own style of teaching healing with our family. That's her true work. Eventhough we might not be getting a paycheck... we teach and learn what we are drawn to do... because we are passionate about it and our motivations are deeper than a paycheck. She also has a husband who's very supportive. Financially she doesn't really have to worry plus she's done very well with her savings too. She wants to make a trip to Alaska but she feels guilty. I laugh because she's about to do some serious emotional and psychological work with her family. Maybe she knows subconsciously she better fill her tank up completely before she begins. Spiritually she's hearing the whisper and now she's got to intellectually see it's going to benefit her in the long run. Ideally if these girls can remove themselves of the pressures they deal with just focus and heal... and slowly introduce them back into situations that can be triggering and still have a safe haven to come to and people who want to share in their experience... a lot can be done even with a years time. In my experience with being influenced by my family and society... I never took vacations for the longest time. I loved to work and I worked hard... I had this idea I didn't want to leave because what the hell would i have to fix when i returned... lol I know she is too... maybe she feels that relaxing isn't beneficial or maybe she feels guilty about it. But I know she's going to want to teach the girls when they need time away that it's healthy for them. She has to experience the benefits consciously enough to be able to encourage them to do it for themselves too. If my cousin is too busy for my second cousin my dad has shown interest to having her stay with him. Now we don't have much material pleasures... but she could really get time for herself to work things out for herself if she wanted to ... and my dad is a wonderful caretaker too... he'll do his best to make her feel comfortable and safe which she doesn't have right now. Ultimately they could help each other out. But i don't want to wait much longer and I don't want to focus all my energies in this situation... but I am focusing on the two people in the family that could really make a difference and try to show their best qualities that have to teach but also some qualities that needs to be looked at. I feel that's what I can do for now. I have a friend who dj's and he started at a new location at the end of January. He asked me to be the teacher for free classes before the dance party. I agreed... I miss dancing... I thought I'd get a chance to visit with him. I enjoy our conversations which are mostly spiritual. Of coursce I love to teach and I enjoy my experience with the students. I stay afterwards to just release and dance with everyone. I get value there, but I'm starting to get students who are wanting me to do private lessons. I told them I dont' work for a stuido right now and i don't know how long i'm staying... but I want to help. I started going to their homes to do private lessons before the group lesson. Sometimes i'm hesitant because many of the guys thinks it a chance to get to know me better to possibly have a chance in a hook up or a date or whatever. I have to make things very clear and professional so they understand my intention is to teach them dance... not anything more. I want them to get more confident in themselves to make the women they dance with connect and respond in a manner they want. I have a boundary up with my students a bit because i'm not entertaining dating anyone... women or men... lol. But there's more people interested.... people I haven't even met are coming up to me and asking my teach them during the dance party and I love that. so now i'm not just teaching a group class... I teach during the parties and of course just free dancing with other dancers. A part of me is like... I could start teaching class for money. But I honestly don't want to do that. My friend pays me to do the free classes... Why don't they just come to those and then get private lessons during songs throughout the night? They don't even have to pay me to do this. I enjoy teaching dance so it's not like I need incentive to teach them something i love and something they're interested in learning. I like seeing my differences in approaching teaching dance when it came to the private lessons. I'm not really focusing on showing them new moves after another. I want to see what they're looking to do for themselves and build slowly and smoothly of what they already know and introduce ideas and variations that can follow or lead the moves they know. Each person has their own unique approach or style to dance so i'm trying to find that out and teach them with that in mind. I love to teach dance, but honestly i think i can come up with a different way to dance partner dancing. Again I don't feel like the time is now to do that.. but i know it's coming. I would need to have the time, energy, and focus to work on a new style of dance. And honestly it's not now. So I have to now be aware that I want to eliminate private classes at people's homes as an option... continue to encourage them to come the free class and then personal lessons during the party. That's what I'm willing to share with them at this time. I just want to mention that I'm recognizing that even though I want to help people... it seems the more I help the more helpless they become. I end up doing the work because it's just natural to me now... changing behaviors is known to me and I've felt the pains to overcome to achieve the change i'm looking for. They have not or least they don't remember so they're not conscious of it. I'm not sure when this started I'm sure a combination of my observations with direct experiences, advise from Leo, and messages from ceremony... I didn't trust that other people could just do it for themselves. I thought they came to me so they could learn... but a lot of times they weren't really ready to learn.... lol... I'm serious about learning so I have many suggestions and i'm like what do you want to try and then i've got backups waiting... lol... and really they had this wall up. Again i thought oh i can remove this wall... they say they want help... but most of the time that is not the case. But i started realizing that i need to start trusting them more that they know more of what's going on inside and what's working or not for them. They just don't know how to overcome the fear that comes with it. Well i knew fear was going to be huge for stunting my growth... so i would just throw myself into situations so there was no option for me to cave into fear.... sink or swim situations... lol... again i can be intense but very serious and I've also been gaing strong confidence in myself and trusting the perfection even if i didn't know to the extent i have know. Understanding continues to deepen... everything is understood in an infinite existence. There's never and ending to understand anything... we're too complex for finality... always exploration. So i don't know if i've already mentioned this situation i'm involved with... with my sister-in-law... let's just say we've been unconsciously triggering each other almost from day one of meeting. I remember coming back from my first ceremonies and i knew this relationships needs a ton of work... i want to be a part of my brother's life and also their children. Right now everything that involves them goes through her. We've been doing better and I'm finding myself less triggered. I want to understand where she is and how she perceives the world which is why she chooses to behave in this manner. In the past i knew i didn't feel comfortable in her energy.. it's very negative and fear-based and controlling. At that time I had a lack mindset and was only looking at the near future... so I'd just take it just as long as i could spend time with my brother and the kiddos. Once I get there I don't really have much engagement with her especially with the kiddos we can just get lost into our own worlds of imagination, curiosity, and exploration. They're getting older so the dynamic of emotions coming up for them that are new involving more people introduced into their lives. Here there perspective and possibly give them another perspective to see it more then one way. Again I want to teach them how to think for themselves not what they should think... I want them to find their own answers from where they are at. I still don't get as much time as I would like with my brother, but it seems like i'm ok with being patient with him. I know how intelligent he is and he's been teaching me so much as we grew up. He's my older brother and I value him and appreciate him. I know once he started voicing insecurities he had about my development and growth... it froze me a little. Just one example was art. I remember in college showing him the stuff i was working with... we both are artists... but he made a comment to where it's obvious that I'll just be the artist of the family and he's going to stop. That freaked me out and I told him that's and extreme and ridiculous thought pattern. His artwork is amazing and it's different from mine but I love his style. Just because i'm developing mine and you may have an opinion to judge yourself against mine doesn't mean it true. If we put one piece of artwork up online for people to vote which one they like best. It will end up being split 50/50... some people will resonate with my work and others will resonate with his. I felt responsible for him deciding to quit a passion of his. I also felt that to make him and others feel comfortable that I'd have to hide myself a bit. I haven't really shared much of my work with him after that. But now he has kids and they are so artistic. lol... i love to make messes with them and really get them involved with the creative process very actively... my sister-in-law gets very anxious when we do art projects. A part of her likes that we are doing it together, but then another part of her knows how much of a mess it's going to create. It doesn't matter that I put a large piece of plastic down, suggest they put play clothes on, and have them help me clean up afterwards. She can literally be crying and lashing out a people out of anger when we are playing dealing with art. The weird thing is it makes me uncomfortable, but I guess it's so normal to their family that the kids are encouraging me that everything is ok...she's always like that. My brother can sense me and he said she just needs time to relax herself. She knows she doesn't need to go to these extremes but she's just reacting to it like this right now. So I'm supposed to ignore it and trying to stay in the zone with the kiddos. That's what really triggers me too is just the abrupt yelling fits. To me it seems like it's not a big deal... but i also have to remind myself she has been a full-time mom with these four kids pretty much nonstop for thirteen years. She doesn't work outside the home... she rarely goes on solo trips or time with friends... she doesn't just get her own space and time to ground herself and gain energy for herself. She gives it away all the time to those kids. When I was growing up we had a stepmom that was similar to the way she acts, and she and I would butt heads constantly. There were serious resentment I was creating against her as a child but i've been doing a lot of work to understand that she didn't have children of her own and she started raising us from six to seven to nine and ten years already. she didn't have time to warm up and we weren't really from her womb so we were not really her children... so they seemed to play a part. She definitely didn't like how close we all were before she entered... we might've even treated her as an outsider. She felt she needed to be the disciplinarian. and we were not used to that. My dad allowed us to make mistakes so we can learn for ourselves. And she'd rather just tell us what to do without questions.. just listen without knowing the reasons. I remember how intelligent I was at a young age. I remember elementary years figuring out that most people I was introduced to and engaged with were unhappy people. I didn't want to be unhappy... so they would be telling me what to do... and i'd questions if they really knew what they were talking about. Happiness is important to me... they are happy... they're sad and angry... if that's the choices they made and it led to unhappiness why would i want to follow in their footsteps? They obviously don't know how to do things to make them happy. My dad was a happy guy for the most part. When he showed signs of being upset... it was obvious and we knew that he was serious about the situation not going in a manner that's harmonious usually. So when I hear someone getting angry or upset... i take it serious. But I guess when it happens all the time then it actually just becomes background noise and it's something that's normal to ignore. I can use spiral dynamics and psychological models to label her of where she's at in her development, but I won't because the fact is she doesn't know what she's doing to herself, her husband, her children and anyone else who is involved with her. I'm at a point where I think it's healthier for me to put up my boundaries towards her. I am not at a state to communicate with her with our hearts. She has a boundary up towards me and she doesn't want to put it down. So instead of waiting for her and me to be ready... I can move on and gain more experience to approach her in a way that makes her feel more comfortable. I'm not in a scarcity mindset with my nieces and nephews and even my brother. With the kiddos... without a shadow of a doubt they know how much i love them. Maybe with the influence from their mom they might think that when i leave means i don't love them anymore. But i trust they know deep down inside I'm always there for them and love them. I just might need to wait until they are making their own decisions in life. Again I can remember how intelligent i was. They are just as intelligent if not more. I happen to have a father who took us away from that stepmom... and now our relationship is at its healthiest. Now we have distance and space and our own autonomy. This brings me to another point i was speaking to my dad earlier about... I was trying to explain that I see everyone as shamans. If they labeled themselves as shamans they may be more conscious of their words and behaviors towards others. Not they're going to be perfect or anything, but possibly more conscious and responsible for their words and behaviors. They have the power to promote sickness or healing. I'm just tying to give an example that may seem drastic, but hopefully you can see what i'm trying to say... when people speak words of anger, hate, and fear... that promotes sickness. when people speak words of love, happiness, and acceptance promotes healing. When people express their ideas and concerns... people can respond with not believing and judgement which promotes sickness. Or people can respond with encouragement to overcome and openess to their ideas without judgement will promote healing. Not only would we be aware of how we speak and behave with others but how we speak and behave to ourselves. That's actually the fastest and easiest way is to focus on ourselves. The more aware of how we speak and behave to ourselves will help promote healing or sickness when dealing with others. There's another struggle i'm dealing with is i have an awareness that I'm becoming more conscious and I laugh at myself because the lower consciousness self is like well... maybe you can do some bad things still while you're in transition... lol... I found three nights of choosing food i wouldn't normally choose to eat... lol... I loved my dad's cooking but he usually eats mostly meat. He's got his own diet he chooses for gaining the health benefits he finds valuable. So he restricts his diet and his carbs... but for the most part I don't want to eat what he eats. Changing my diet was one huge message I've been getting since the beginning of having ceremonies... I had a toxic environment growing in my system. I wasn't able to use the restroom properly. I wasn't clearing out the toxins in my system which it's designed to do. It was sitting inside not helping anything. So for five years I've really been focusing on changing my habits. In fact I've been working on my diet little by little... i guess i chose more drastic changes these past five years. Usually I get a least one message during ceremonies that I still can use more work on my diet habits. The last time I was in dieta did I ever get a message that I'm cleared. If you deal with shamans in the jungles of Peru you might here that they don't have to have the same diets as the guests. I didn't really understand why but I definitely got my own message to get a better understanding. So I suddenly aware that I was watching this swarm of energy revolving and rotating... I finally knew that it was talking about my health... i was aware that it was going to show me my food habits that I should remove out of my diet. So I watched and waited... almost like it was going to be a cookbook which would stop and show me images or even a three dimensional form of what to avoid. I continue to watch to see... and then it just disappeared. I waited to see what else was going to happen and then I realized... I worked my awareness towards food that I'm now have the choice to restrict myself or not. It's not necessary to force any restrictions because my mindset is healthy and will make the best decisions for myself in a big picture perspective. Well since I've been working so hard to change... i didn't want to just go in and eat anything and everything, but I did start introducing new items back into my diet and see how my body reacted. Mostly I see my bathroom habits to see how i'm reacting to introducing these back into my diet. I know for most of the time I want to choose what I eat and I'm happy with that. But I also know when I'm eating with others... I don't want to be as strict. So when I'm in the States or in situations where there are many options then I can decide choices I would normally choose which won't offend anyone. But when I'm in a village and there aren't many options... I want to be able to feel comfortable and grateful for the food i'm given. I don't want to be disrespectful and before I changed my habit I developed myself to want to try odd and unusual cuisine. It's fascinating what cultures eat and if they eat it why can't i give it a chance... lol. Anyway getting back to being bad... lol... not really but my dad and I were watching a Korean show and it looked wonderful what they were eating with such variety all separated out beautifully, but it seemed like they had spam or something similar as one of the options.... lol... I cannot remember the last time I ate spam but that's a staple for Samoans too... so I asked my dad if I could eat one of his spams for dinner. The next night I asked him if he wanted to join me at the local chinese buffet. Again eating items I stopped myself before and it's not like I ate everything and nothing good... but there were some items that I included. I don't eat much chicken anymore so I had a piece of bourbon chicken and also peppered chicken. There was fried shrimp and fake crabmeat I ate too. Now I ate too much at the buffet... i've noticed if I eat too much now adays I seem to take a nap fairly quickly after I eat... lol... and then yesterday I was helping my dad work in the yard. But we had to run to the hardware store to pick up supplies to fix his water tank nozzle. I ran out there first alone while he was trying to slow down the leak. I thought I got something that might work but it wasn't really what we were wanting for a solution well at least it wasn't working the way we'd hope. But it did clog up the leak and so I said we can keep it plugged up and we can both go to the store so you can figure out other solutions you'd prefer. You're the one that's going to be dealing with it and you kind of already know what you're comfortable working with. Of course, he started to get grumpy. He didn't want to go and he didn't really know what he's looking for. I told him we can walk around and see what options they have if nothing there we can jump online and see if there's something that can just be delivered. I told him since we're out an about we can grab him a Wendy's baconator... lol... I said I can grab something while I'm there too. When I got there I admitted to myself I don't want a baconator but I hadn't had a hamburger in awhile. I'll go ahead and eat a hamburger and then we shared Garlic butter fries. I was joking with him... because i tell him mostly what's going on in my head with this purging process... I said I want to be bad... but how bad do I really want to go... lol... I'm the only one laughing but he just gives me this look like I'm crazy... lol and I tell him I'm not really thinking this is bad... i just have a feeling I'm not going to have chances like this again... lol. And honestly I hope I don't have to because I don't want to, but I'm open to whatever my experience brings too. Today I went to the local mexican restaurant... by the way I normally never go out to eat. Lol... 70% of my diet since I've been living with my dad has been oatmeal and then I add in peanut butter, all kinds of fruits, and mixed nuts. But for some reason I had this thing I want to eat badly so I'm going out to restaurants in my small town. I looked over the menu and was taking my time... I ran across an item i used to order all the time... carnitas... I was like ok... I can go ahead and have carnitas again... but I wasn't finished looking over the menu... I found the vegetarian section and when I saw the veggie fajitas I felt my hunger for it... and so I laughed to myself... Ok being bad isn't really where I'm at anymore. I'd much rather have the veggie fajitas... even their homemade guacamole sounded good to take home, but I know how to make some delicious guacamole for $12.... so I opted not to order the guac. But it's not only in food... the whole material item purge I see that... and even smoking my pipe. My opinions about tobacco are very controversial... I don't want it to be habitual and all the time, but I do find value at times using tobacco. But really straight tobacco... I'm used to mapacho from Peru. I want to learn how to harvest and process my own mapacho eventually. I know what I put on the leaves before I spoke and use for ceremonies. Mapacho is going to be one of the master plants i'm going to have during dieta. I know I want to choose this while I'm open for the shaman's suggestions on the other plants. But I've received my own powerful and grounding benefits of mapacho for ceremony. In fact they describe mapacho as the king plant medicine. They use mapacho for every ceremony. But how and why is not the same intention as my habit of smoking so I know I'm going to be making larger restrictions... and again this isn't new i've been working on this for years. I had quit smoking for six years before. So i know I can do it, but i'm not quite ready yet... and I still gain value at specific times so that's where I'm leading... there's a cleansing, sealing, and grounding affects that's valuable for me. I wonder once I diet mapacho if those benefits will be included in my ceremony where I don't have to use mapacho as much or tendencies to not respect it as much and use it habitually without consciously knowing why i'm smoking. Oh... this whole watching tv with my dad is something else I've been doing. There would be months before I decided to watch something with my dad... and this past week since i've been in his space I find that I want to participate in the tv time with him. Now most of what he watches I don't care about... he's got three things going on most times... lol... but there are some shows i'll watch a few episodes and sometimes we'll pick a movie to watch together. There's been a few that was surprisingly interesting to me. I see more creative attempts to express spirituality and also more curiosity in Aya... i've heard it three times now on different shows which makes me laugh... and also trying to direct higher consciousness in emotional situations. It's confirming to me... people are ready to be conscious and there are infinte ways to help elevate. Ok...this is good for now... I know I want to work on the poem but i feel like i'm going to write fragments on a little notepad while i'm doing other things. Maybe when my little second cousin takes a nap tomorrow I can focus my attention on it... who knows.

Ready to express my Spirituality. Ready to be in union with existence. Ready to engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. Ready to accept intuition's whispers for clarity. Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? (We are ready to be ready... we're already doing it... without extra effort it's not really necessary... it's happening.) right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Ready to express my Spirituality. Ready to combine chaos and clarity. Ready to be in union with existence's bed Ready to engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. Ready to accept intuition's whispers for direction. Ready to embrace our perfection. (Let's redirect actually...) (hmmm... I just had an idea I'd like to explore... lol... see if i like where it's going or not... making and falling in love to reality? Can I combine this with my message. I feel like I'm creating an affirmation for myself. Where I'm at and how I want to steer my direction deliberately.) Ok let's do a search "sensual word" Merriam-Webster dictionary site was the top of the list... let's see what it has to say. It gave lists of synonyms and antonyms. This is an interesting find: How is the word sensual different from other adjectives like it? Some common synonyms of sensual are animal, carnal, and fleshly. While all these words mean "having a relation to the body," sensual may apply to any gratification of a bodily desire or pleasure but commonly implies sexual appetite with absence of the spiritual or intellectual. “Sensual.” Merriam-Webster.com Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/sensual. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. (Well... I was definitely going to use sensual in relation with spirituality and intellectual in nature.. but in physical too... well let's see how to do that possibly?) I scrolled down a little further and found vocabulary website... Commonly Confused Words sensual/sensuous The words sensual and sensuous are often used interchangeably, but careful writers would do well to think before using one or the other. The terms share the root sens-, which means to arouse the senses. Sensual has referred to gratifying carnal, especially sexual, senses since before 1425. Sensuous is believed to have been created by John Milton in 1641 to mean relating to the senses instead of the intellect without the sexual connotation. Let's look at some examples that use our pair strictly: Designer Zac Posen sent out sensual cancan girls straight out of a vintage Paris revue. Every once in awhile Pauline will recreate one of the sensuous feasts she and Luciano used to serve to guests seated around a shared table. Today, though, many writers will use the words interchangeably: Heat and dust Delhi's sensual overload tests tourists, athletes The way she gazes into his face, we are privileged to get a glimpse of a subtle and sensuous erotica. It's a shame to lose these shades of meaning. When you use sensuous, do you mean to include sexual undertones? Are those undertones absent when you use sensual? Your readers will only know if you choose your words wisely. (To the side there were simplified definitions:) Definition: sensual Sensual means physically pleasing. It often is used in a sexual context, but is not exclusively sexual in meaning. Definition: sensuous Anything that is pleasing to the senses can be called sensuous. The feel of a soft cashmere sweater on your skin, the taste of dark chocolate, even the smell of your favorite person — all of these can be sensuous experiences. "Sensual/Sensuous." Commonly Confused Words. vocabulary.com https://www.vocabulary.com/articles/chooseyourwords/sensual-sensuous/ Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. Well I fell into that category... of interchangeably thinking sensual and sensuous are synonymous... but I want it to be both... Can it be both? Decided to go back to Merriam-Webster website to see what sensuous had to say... 1 as in sensory: of or relating to physical sensation or the senses the sensuous pleasure of a massage Synonyms & Similar Words Relevance, sensory, sensual, sensorial, sensational, sensitive, receptive, afferent, sensate Antonyms & Near Antonyms extrasensory, intuitional 2 as in sensual: pleasing to the physical senses a gentle, sensuous breeze (Ok sensuous according here... is both sensory and sensual... which is what I'm probably looking for) How is the word sensuous distinct from other similar adjectives? Some common synonyms of sensuous are luxurious, sensual, and voluptuous. While all these words mean "relating to or providing pleasure through gratification of the senses," sensuous implies gratification of the senses for the sake of aesthetic pleasure. “Sensuous.” Merriam-Webster.com Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/sensuous. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. I like beginning with sensory related words... To be physical is to be able to experience senses... I found a website that can give me a start to paint a picture of what my falling in love and making love to existence would look like. "350+ Sensory Words: The Ultimate List" - ScribPress http://www.scribpress.com/sensory-words/ Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. Interesting...

let's continue listening to the "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! Oooohhh! I've heard this song but I didn't know who sang it... So it's the artist Heatwave the song is "Always and Forever" is the first song that was playing.. Everyday love me your own special way Melt all my heart away with a smile Take time to tell me you really care And we'll share tomorrow together (Always forever love you) I'll always love you ever (Always forever love you) and ever Loving you (Always forever love you) is the thing that I've planned For a very long time (Always forever love you) Me with you, you with me, we as one Love together (Always forever love you) for a very long time Loving you Songwriters: Temperton Rodney Lynn For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The artist The Chi-lites singing the song "Have you seen her" Why, oh why Did she have to leave and go away, oh yeah Oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on And I'm lost Baby, I'm lost Oh doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her? Songwriters: Eugene Record, Barbara Acklin, Brandon Thomas Stewart, Leslie Michael Stewart For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Lol... I can see the transformation in my life... I'm feeling a lot lighter... I've made the conscious decision to fully experience this Reality... a physical reality that I share... I've already been seeing where the perfection of life seems to be speaking directly to me... lol... and it just seems to be clearer for me to appreciate this genius of a reality we share... whatever happens to get your attention can really resonate with you... lol... the artist The O-Jays singing the song Love Train... lol... the songs keep playing i'm trying to hunt for the artist and lyrics... so I'll just focus on that instead of commenting. People all over the world (Sisters and brothers) Join hands (Join, come on) Start a love train (Ride this train, y'all), love train (Come on) People all over the world (Don't need no tickets) Join hands (come on, ride) Start a love train, love train Songwriters: Leon Huff, Kenneth Gamble. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Stylistics singing You Make Me Feel Brand New My love I'll never find the words my love To tell you how I feel my love Mere words could not explain Precious love You held my life within your hands Created everything I am Taught me how to live again Only you Came when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song 'cause you Make me feel brand new My love Whenever I was insecure You built me up and made me sure You gave my pride back to me Precious friend With you I'll always have a friend You're someone who I can depend To walk a path that sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Like notes to a song out of time How can I repay you for having faith in me God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song for you You Songwriters: Thom Bell, Linda Diane Creed For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Marvin Gaye "What's Going On" You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today Father, father We don't need to escalate You see, war is not the answer For only love can conquer hate You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today, oh (oh) Songwriters: Gaye Marvin P, Benson Renaldo Obie, Cleveland Alfred W For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Al Green singing Let's Stay Together I'm, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you Let me say that since, baby Since we've been together Ooh Loving you forever Is what I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue Ooh baby Let's, let's stay together (Together) Loving you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad Ooh, ooh, yeah Songwriters: Willie Mitchell, Al Green, Al Jackson For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Let the Music Play Barry White Let the music play I just wanna dance the night away Here, right here, right here is where I'm gonna stay All night long... Let the music play on Just until I feel this misery is gone Movin', kickin', groovin', keep the music strong On and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on I'm out here dancin' and still, huh I can't erase the things I feel Songwriters: Edward Chisolm, Christopher Barbosa For non-commercial use only. Data From: AZ Lyrics The Temptations singing Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me) To have a girl like her Is truly a dream come true Out of all of the fellas in the world She belongs to you But it was just my imagination Running away with me It was just my imagination Running away with me (Soon) Soon we'll be married And raise a family, whoa yeah A cozy, little home out in the country With two children, maybe three I tell you I can visualize it all This couldn't be a dream For too real it all seems Songwriters: Norman Whitfield, Barrett Strong For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Emotions singing Best of My Love Doesn't take much to make me happy And make me smile with glee Never never will I feel discouraged 'Cause our love's no mystery Demonstrating love and affection That you give so openly, yeah I like the way you make me feel about you, baby Want the whole wide world to see Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Goin' in and out of changes The kind that come around each day My life has a better meaning Love has kissed me in a beautiful way Oh, yeah (My love, my love) Oh, oh, oh, yeah (My love, my love) ooh (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Oh, got the best of my love Oh oh (yes you do), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Demonstrating sweet love and affection That you give so openly, yeah The way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it Want the whole wide world to see Oh, but in my heart you're all I need You for me and me for you (my love, my love) Oh yeah, it's growing everyday, baby (my love, my love) Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), my love (my love) Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), oh yeah Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love (You've got the best, you've got the best) (You've got the best, you've got the best love) Oh, giving you the best of my love Songwriters: Don Henley, Glenn Lewis Frey For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Michael Jackson singing Rock with You Girl, close your eyes Let that rhythm get into you Don't try to fight it There ain't nothing that you can do Relax your mind Lay back and groove with mine You gotta feel that heat And we can ride the boogie Share that beat of love I want to rock with you (all night) Dance you into day (sunlight) I want to rock with you (all night) Rock the night away Songwriters: Rodney Lynn Temperton For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody Wake up everybody no more sleepin in bed No more backward thinkin time for thinkin ahead The world has changed so very much From what it used to be so There is so much hatred war an' poverty Wake up all the teachers time to teach a new way Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say Cause they're the ones who's coming up and the world is in their hands When you teach the children teach em the very best you can The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better we gotta change it yeah, just you and me Wake up all the doctors make the ol' people well They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell But they don't have so very long before the Judgement Day So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away Wake up all the builders time to build a new land I know we can do it if we all lend a hand The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind Surely things will work out they do it every time The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better We gotta change it yeah, just you and me (yeah, yeah) Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) just you and me Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) can't do it alone Need some help, y'all (y'all) Can't do it alone (can't do it alone) Yeah (yeah) Wake up, everybody Wake up, everybody Need a little help, y'all (yes I do) Need a little help (say it, boy) Need some help, y'all (uh-huh) To change the world From what it used to be Songwriters: Whitehead, Mcfadden, Carstarphen For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch This is great... so there are messages everywhere... to help you us clarify your our experience and how you we want to consciously write a new story. When people we listen to music there might be key phrases and words that stick to your our mind... a lot of time I don't even hear the words because I'm so connected to how the music makes me feel. Not Everyone is going to pick what I'm choosing we choose to focus on... we can receive our own personal messages. We can apply these lyrics to what resonates with you. The same lyrics sometimes applies to myself and us and my spiritual lover. Lol... here's an example... Janet Kay sings Loving You Loving you, is easy Cause you're beautiful Every day of my life I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah No one else can make me feel The colours that you bring Stay with me, we'll grow old And we can spend Each day in spring time Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time that we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah Songwriters: Richard Rudolph, Minnie Riperton. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Now the music station on YouTube is buffering and having a little trouble to continue to play... it's repeating back to the first song. This buffering is giving me silence and it helps me refocus where I originally wanted to share today, but it was great to just relax and just go with whatever came into my experience to share. At one time I would have considered that as something is going wrong, but that's not how I see it anymore. It's benefiting me... Reminding me... so loving and patient with me... I can get absorbed and I've got some more clarification work I want to do. During this public Journaling process I'm gaining a new perspective and I'm loving it! This transformation I'm going through was drastic for me and I knew it was significant and I was allowing the answers to come from others... but now I'm clarifying it to myself and I really understand much more then using what I assumed is other people's words to understand. Many of us has beautiful ways to explain something that isn't easy to explain because you have to have the experience to understand it. Even when you go through it you may automatically think you understand, but if you don't take time to clarify... you can feel lost in translation because it's the easy thing to do... but it's pretty easy to clarify for ourselves. We are infinitely intelligent. I want to be and express myself authentically so I'm getting the confidence to express authentically. I understand I wasn't in this state before at least that's how I personally experienced it. It seemed like I was less conscious of who I was and what I'm involved in. Now I have created an understanding for myself to move forward without fear. I don't have to be ashamed or embarrased. There doesn't have to be any guilt. And really understanding acceptance at another level. I also realize that I'm not at the state where I'll be stagnant... I'll continue to gain a deeper understanding and i'm excited for that, but damn it right now is really exciting too! I use the death experience as my transformation point because that's when I truly got my own understanding that death is a word that I assumed is complete and final... and I know that is untrue. There just isn't an end. Did I feel like I had a choice whether to be physical or nonphysical? I did... I felt like I had a choice. I chose to continue this physical experience. Again I knew I was beginning to really appreciate this all and I wanted more time to enjoy this experience. I returned... I had a choice. A part of me was loving the fact that I could go into a nonphysical state too. It wasn't scary for me. In fact maybe that's what I'm developing to is become so conscious that experiencing the nonphysical experience is where I'm learning to accept. But again through all my ceremonies I know how patient and loving existence was and is to me. It knows and I know (I'm not sure there's any separation... it's not separated... I'm part of existence... I am existence.) I have a choice and really there's no time limit... If I want to continue then that's acceptable... if I want to experience something different, then that's acceptable too. Whatever I really want I what I experience. Existence is all there is... even if we are physical or not... we still exist... there's no end... we exist period and nothing can change that. So in essence existence is the only thing that is... that is where it is called one. Existence doesn't have anything outside of itself... so in that sense there is not two... its' just one. But the magic of it all is Existence can create whatever it wants. It chooses to create anything. Existence decided to create a world with variety. It's deciding to create an experience for itself to live. It creates the appearance of a physical world because having a form it allows to experience sensations and emotions. Existence gets a chance to think it has separate personalities to experience a two or more. But not only personalities it chose to create other entities with itself as consciousness.. examples we can say is earth, plants, animals, air, water, fire, possibly entirely new forms of consciousness like aliens who aren't directly perceived by the collective in our world. Personally I might have experienced what may be labeled as alien. Lol... what I have directly experienced I could have labeled as alien because it just was so unusual and out of my imagination, but now it's my normal and it's going to continue. Anyway... these entities are existence and consciousness... they have their own style of intelligence and communication skills. But still everything is one... it's all still existence. As the collective grows it's consciousness we start to see the connections that these entities are not separate for our existence to be more fulfilling. We were at a state where we might not see them as significant, but enough groups of conscious entities we can say humans but also the entities themselves want to exist in this experience with us. They are us too. We can choose to exist in harmony and balance. In reality it's happening now. This existence is ultimately and infinitely intelligent. We who seem to have a separate identity and a growing consciousness can create our own opinion whether this is true or not. Existence loves us and is patient with us... We can create whatever opinion we want. Its just happy to experience... It can be happy even when there seems to be bad things going on... these bad things can be described as if there are just a small viewpoint of a small perspective compared to the universal perspective. These bad things can be seen as messages to direct a more conscious future. Maybe we got so obsessed in our own bubble of experience... existence creates these things to wake us out of our personal bubble to see a universal perspective? Gives us an emotion for change. There's something better we can create. Again it seems like it's easier to develop ourselves then it is to develop the collective. The orchestrated artful way of existence is masterful. Love and patience to experience any physical experience as beneficial... It's the best to experience now to continue to mature into an experience we want to share together. I used the word future... it makes me want to ask questions I have because this understanding isn't quite clear to me still... that's what's great... i'm going to continue to learn... does existence have to learn? Does it already know where everything is leading? To the nonphysical? I've directly experienced images of my future. How can that be? What's this experience when I get deja'vu? It's like I recognized I've experienced this before but I didn't remember. But then there was a time I knew what was going to happen and I was trying to watch the way I was thinking because I was going to create it to happen... and it did.. lol... even though I didn't really want it to happen, but again it led to experiences I really enjoyed which i didn't know about. So was it already orchestrated for me to create the situation to happen so i don't get stuck in that experience because there was something i wanted to experience more? I've labeled myself as a shaman and people assume what that means. When I went to explore this about myself.. I couldn't imagine this could be possible, but ceremonies revealed it to me as a possibility. I chose to explore it more, but I went into as if I approached ceremony. I didn't know what a shaman meant for me and I want to surrender to the experiences and see how I gain my understanding. I didn't know where to start except for the shamans I've met. But I didn't want to limit myself to just these shamans... so I started sharing more ceremonies with other shamans. I noticed everyone had their own way of handling ceremony. It seemed that they gave me suggestions of what I am drawn to do in ceremonies when i'm a vessel in ceremony. I realized quickly that none of these shamans are going to teach me how to be my shamanism. Even though I thought I wanted the easy way... I'd just copy and mimick a shaman that I was drawn to and I'd just follow their lead. That just wasn't possible for me... lol.... in fact that might be the reason I chose to work with shamans I couldn't speak their language. Unconsciously I didn't want them to teach me with their words. I could learn from their actions and behaviors and once we share ceremony.. I can gain deeper understanding of who I was becoming and what I can learn from the people I share ceremony with. I decided to do my own style of ceremony by myself after the second or third visit to Peru... I can't remember and I don't want to spend energy trying to figure it out... lol... I just happen to run into a psychedelic that was similar but in a brief session instead of many hours. I didn't know this existed I just happen to run into it. So I wanted to see if i can get personal messages of how I work inside ceremony. It was wonderful... I was learning a little bit.. but all of a sudden I get a message that I have to share... lol... I was so upset thinking this... I'm not ready to share ceremony... who would I even ask? I can't tell people what I'm doing? I don't even want people into my space... my cats are all I want here... lol... So I waited a little while and tried to do ceremony again solo... I must have mistaken the message. Well nothing happened... not anything... it was just literally saying there's nothing more for you to learn unless you start sharing ceremony.... why? well damn it... I want to learn... well shit i'm going to have to start talking people... how does this type of conversation even start? I wasn't really experienced talking about this so I'm fumbling around rambling around... but the more I tried it the better I was getting even though I wasn't perfect by any means... lol... i guess I was perfectly imperfect so I can continue to learn. I started sharing ceremonies... That's when my learning accelerated. I couldn't learn how to be a shaman without observing how I work with the others I share with. I remember I was so afraid I was going to scare my guests. By this time I knew how I respond in ceremony... most of the shamans I worked with in Peru usually sat and sang their Icaros... some had instruments too... some would use tools to touch people (I cant remember what it's called but a group of dried out leaves bundled together... there was only one shaman who seemed to touch me personally and I remember when it was going on it felt odd to me... but then I did it later in another ceremony with other shamans and guests... lol... I would have this long drawn out conversation of how I become someone completely different then the person you're talking with now. I move around... I sing.. I dance... I might even touch you... I don't want you to be scared... whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen... and everything is out of love and learning and healing. After several ceremonies with different people... never once did I ever feel fear from them... it's like once we were in ceremony they understood my intentions and they didn't seem to see my behavior as scary. I gained more confidence in my abilities. When I would return to the ceremonies in Peru with the shamans I worked with... my confidence was coming out stronger... they would since this. At first when I was timid of admitting that I might have shamanic talent they would seem to be dismissive until they had ceremony with me... they understood afterwards... and it was obvious my style was different then what they know of. Then I wouldn't say anything and then they would approach me afterwards where they were getting messages of me to become a shaman. Again it felt good to have confirmations... it continued to increase my confidence. I started getting comments from them that I need to start doing my shamanic dieta training. So I knew I was going to have to be preparing for this. Each shaman has their own way of how they share dieta too. I actually chose one shaman that I wanted to do my first one with, but it wasn't affordable in my opinion... so i went with my original shamans. The female shaman had actually passed when I was visiting... I helped get her body to her family... but ideally I would have wanted for both of them to teach me. The male shaman was who I ended up with... I knew there was hesitation in me working alone with him... but it seemed like this was the correct direction to learn the most of what I could. So I surrendered to the experience to see what I can learn. The three-month dieta was an entirely different setup. I would drink the master plant one night and then the following night I would drink Aya. There were two nights of ceremony in one week. The master plants aren't necessary psychedelics but sometimes I would receive messages in my dreams of what I was going to be working on the next night with Aya. Having this spaced out this way I got a lot of time to digest ceremony more than going back-to-back ceremonies and try to remember what I can use to direct my focus of changes I want to embody. With that time there were many cases where my original thoughts were recontextualized before I'd go into another ceremony the following week. It was really beneficial. I was the student and I was observing the shaman and his style of practices. There's a point in ceremony when I can feel when I turn into shamana... lol... that's how I have described it... I feel and sense things that are heightened... it's when I become the vessel for infinite intelligence to use and work it's magic. I had thought the shaman had to get me to this point of switching and I knew I was asking myself if I can just do it on my own... but it didn't seem I could... Until one ceremony. One ceremony my shaman was struggling to sing his Icaros. I didn't know what was wrong... I knew he was struggling and he continued to try over and over. I wanted to help him out but I didn't have him to turn me into shamana... so I said I'm going to have to try to do it myself. I do a lot of purging probably of limiting beliefs of my own power... but I got myself to shamana mode and I was drawn to sing my Icaros. Help guide him through what he needs at that time. I won't go into the details I felt and messages I heard, but everyone is growing even someone you assume is an authority over you. I went on for hours with different Icaros... waiting for periods to see if he was able to find his voice and sing... I wanted him to join me in ceremony but again he was trapped in his struggle. I finally told him I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep... once I started to fall asleep he called me back. He finally got his voice and he sang three Icaros before he closed the session. I asked him what he remembered from the ceremony the following morning. He said he couldn't remember. I told him he couldn't sing his Icaros... has this ever happened before? He said no. And didn't want to talk about it anymore. That was my first opportunity to lead a ceremony. From my understanding whoever starts the Icaros leads the ceremony. Now he was the one who put the intention into Aya... so I"m not sure what that does... but maybe i'll get a better understanding soon. I had another opportunity to lead which wasn't planned... lol... he was in a nap one ceremony with six other guests... it's actually quite common for me to do this too...there's time before Aya starts to kick in.. so instead of just waiting for it.. i know that you wake up when the time is now... so he was taking a nap and I knew he was... but I also felt that the time was coming... I could feel myself wanting to transform into shamana and i could feel the other's energy that they were ready to explore and receive... so I got into shamana mode... I was trying to delay to wait for him to wake up... I might've even cleared my throat to help wake him up.. lol.. I didn't want to be disrespectful... but whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and once I'm the vessel... I'm guided... and all of a sudden I couldn't help myself but I started singing my Icaros... I was leading. It was absolutely amazing to be able to lead a group of seven of us... what I was able to do and how to connect the group in group messages was unexpected... well not really to be honest... i've been getting messages personally that i'm capable and others are too... but to be able to see it in action instead of just inside my head was surprising... lol... anyway they got another unique approach to ceremony... my approach... even my shaman was surprised... we wasn't struggling this time and was able to receive what I was sharing with him and the others. I got personal messages as well that were new for me and I'm looking forward to gaining more experience that are similar. I started getting messages of finding objects in nature. I've heard stories of shamans finding certain plants to work with because of the messages they receive in ceremony to guide them through the jungle to find these plants. I had never had a direct experience of that as a possibility until then. Well... I've gotten images of plants that I seem to be fascinated with in ceremony which I've never seen before... I even thought that maybe i'll diet and learn from them, but i haven't been able to describe them well enough for any shaman to know what i'm talking about... which is fine... maybe i'll learn when I'm ready... but anyway... I saw things buried in the ground on my shaman's land that I can find. And that's when I got a specific message if i want to find these things then I can put my intention into Aya before ceremony to get the answers during ceremony. I didn't have a shadow of a doubt during ceremony that this was possible. I even mentioned it to my shaman and he didn't have a doubt in me either. I told him we're not ready now, but when I return we'll work on it. It happens to be in an area of his land he already started clearing out and placed a little shack there, but it's already broken down because it used leaves as the roof instead of metal. But anyway he said he knew there was something there that's why he started clearing it out... well i confirmed to him... there's something there and it's in the ground. So that's my first experience of a future vision that can actually be verified in the physical world... lol... well in a sense I guess... At least a physical vision where the result won't take many years to accomplish.... lol... In my head I can see that I need to save enough money to rent excavating equipment, be able to get the equipment where the location is, participate in ceremony to help guide me, learn how to use the equipment, and hopefully get guidance on what to do with the land i'm digging up... what to build in this area once i remove these things.. and possibly use the excavating equipment for the projects already decided before I return it. Once i get these items I can figure out what to do with them... there's one that i'm really drawn to for some reason I feel it has to do with communication... but i have no clue what that really means... lol... but other things I think are going to be shared with the village. But anyway... this isn't anything I have any experience with. But I know I can figure it out and I can learn so it wasn't too overwhelming for me. Now I get so excited when I have ceremonies it's easy for me to tell the people I know who don't even know what ceremony is only by my stories. I don't even take my time to ground and clarify... my passion and excitement is so driven to express that once I share.... I got several reactions to my ceremony. Are you sure that's possible? Maybe it's just symbolic? Wow you're ceremonies just get even crazier... lol... I had a few of my friends who trust me that was open to my experience. I even have one friend who's been wanting to do ceremony with volunteer to run the excavating equipment and he can share ceremony while he's there. We've been helping each other out for a few years now. Last time I was there he was supposed to join me... lol... he was in Lima airport and they said he didn't have enough months left on his expiration date of his passport to enter. They sent him on the next flight back to the States... it's crazy, but I know that it just wasn't time for him to join us.... lol So there was something else that happened during ceremonies that was similar because it seemed like I was going to be finding something in nature. It wasn't going to be in the jungle... it's going to be in the mountains. What I can connect at this time which is subject to change when I continue to get messages of clarification... but what I can say for now is it's going to involve a group of people using horses to explore the mountains looking for something. I believe it's a water source... a healing water source... but I cannot verify it and these messages were spread out between three different ceremonies where I was alone with Aya for the first time ever. I was definitely not grounded and it was slapping me in the face how ungrounded i was, but doing Aya alone for the first time.. these messages were very personal and gave me unusual messages that no one can believe... lol... which took it's toll when I tried to express them to people... even my close family couldn't believe me. That's why I feel I have to keep some things secret... if too many of the collective don't believe me then it's going to make it that much harder... if i keep it to more of a select group of conscious people who support me or at least curious to see how it plays out would be better. In my mind to be successful I'd like the whole world to know and help support us... especially thinking about the safety of the guests with me. I feel like majority of us are going to be shamans who are going to be drinking Aya to receive messages to guide us. I feel like i'm learning a new way to draw quickly from memory to help guide us to the locations to rest. I can go on and on how much I'm trying to figure out what skills and supplies which would be needed for this expedition. Again this is not familiar to me at all... this is entirely new... when I started to gather the data to complete this message was overwhelming to me... I couldn't see how to pull it off... There was so much to learn that I didn't know where to start... I thought maybe i had to start learning how to be with horses... how to take care of them and feed them, etc... I was coming back to the States and I figured I'd can find jobs in all these areas to start learning. But i wasn't grounded and didn't have clarification... My energy was sensitive so any attempt to work...it was obvious to me that i wasn't ready to just waste my energy in that current situation... that's how I found my way back to my dad's place.. my sanctuary to rest... my sanctuary to purge my history of physical and emotional baggage... which is what i'm doing right now. Ideally I'd love to just pay people to learn from them instead of working for them. That's what I'd love to do is just have enough abundance to work with people who have skills i want to learn and make it worth it to them to help me out. lol... that's how i look at most of my jobs lately... they don't know that i would actually pay them to teach me because these are skills i want to learn... lol.. maybe one day soon i can do that. Not maybe.. it's going to happen and i'm in process of creating this to experience it. Another thing coming up right now is my first time I thought I experienced a spirit guide. I've heard people say that but i never had a direct experience with that... in ceremonies I felt like its infinite intelligence... it wasn't a form... and I gained awareness it's really me helping guide me with the help of my connection to infinite intelligence. So during my three solo Aya ceremonies i had one dream that was just as clear with it's message as my ceremonies can be. I was in a house and there were several men sleeping... I was walking to each of them and examining their faces... I was looking for someone specific.. i'm not afraid to confess I was looking for my spiritual lover. But i couldn't find him with us. While I was searching it seemed like someone was talking to me asking me questions and I was talking back. It asked me if I know where I am... I said yes... I know this place.. it was waiting until I searched the last man and was unsuccessful at finding him I was standing next to the bed and there was a large window with curtains blowing with the wind but i wasn't really paying attention... I was kind of in a dissapointed state because I couldn't find him with us. The voice asked again... where are you? I looked out the window and said I'm in Nepal... right? Those are the mountains of Nepal. The voice then replied he will follow you there... I was still standing next to bed and all of a sudden there was someone who was rubbing my foot to comfort me. Instantly I thought it was him... under the bed so I bent down to see who it was... and I was shocked and the other seemed shocked too... lol... it wasn't a human the bed was dark in shadows and I didn't see a figure... it seemed like there was floating eyes looking around as if surprised and also it might have felt if i was going to be scared of it... the eyes had a hat on like a cowboy hat on... and we just were in each other's presence... I wasn't afraid i was just curious. I woke up... again I thought this must be a spirit guide people talk about. But after time past... I started to question whether that's who that was or not... I started to begin to think... i think that was another version of me... I tend to comfort people by rubbing their feet... I did that a lot when I was my grandparent's hospice nurse when they were in the hospital and when they were home... i do that at times for people who are sharing ceremony with me too. And I ended up buying a hat that was similar to what I saw in the dream... I call it my Indiana Jones hat... lol... I'm going to become an explorer... Trying to switch my identity to embrace these new messages where I'm not just working on myself but working with others... and in areas I haven't had direct experience with yet. Was that me? Am I my spirit guide? Was that a future version of myself giving me encouragement to not give up? Can I just ignore these visions I received in the jungle? Why should I? Everyone has the chance to make reasons why they do what they want to do... why can't I do the same thing? There is no possible way that I can conceive that's going to make the desire and urge to see what my life will be like to make these visions come to life. I don't care what others think of me now... I know this is how I want to continue my experience here in the physical. I know it's not going to be exactly what I expect right now... but it's going to be more then I expect... this reality just loves to give you more than your imagination in my experience. That's how my imagination continues to grow. And maybe because I'm more conscious I can have more of a say to direct this experience too now. I might ask myself... am i going to be doing this because this is a way to be with my spiritual lover? Yes and no... again he has no clue how powerful his introduction into my life has done for me. I've tried to explain and I know it makes him uncomfortable... I couldn't express myself with clarity. I wasn't clear back then anyway so that was going to be impossible. And how it was introduced and continues to be included in my experience. It's gotten to the point where I was like he's just my holy grail or my golden apple. It's just an idea to inspire me to live the best life possible. Even if he doesn't end up wanting to share this experience with me... i cannot complain about him being my muse to inspire and create changes in my life... it led me here and I'm so extremely in love with myself. I do not regret any of this. And again who I'm attracting will extremely love themselves as well... if not... I won't be attracted and i'm wanting to experience my full potential while I decide to experience this physical world. I don't want to be definitive with this answer, because I want him to choose this with me. I want to start creating visions as collective visions. I'm excited to hear visions of others I can collaborate with. Lol... I didn't know that my thoughts were going to lead down this road... this was definitely one thing i was questioning whether to share or not... but it just flowed out... i thought i was going to tell what i did today and what i'm doing to start to clear my chaos physically and emotionally with my daily life... but this whole session wasn't in my plan... but i guess it's something I need to do for my benefit. It's a good time to take a break... maybe I'll come back in a few... or maybe I'll go to sleep... we'll see

There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. (I don't want to use the word "not" or even "separation"... there's a better way to say this.) Existing in unification with Spirituality. The union of myself and my spirituality is my existence. To be in union with existence is my spirituality. (lol... it's funny i'm trying to find my own words about what i know and it seems it like what the master's are trying to say... it's just my version of it... lol... but this is from my own experience instead of interpreting their words.) We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. ( yes there is complexity and variety, but that also implies there's simplicity and similarity... what would i like to use to help raise consciousness? To engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. (I can call it a challenge, but does it have to be?) To accept intuition's whispers for clarity. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? (We are ready to be ready... we're already doing it... without extra effort it's not really necessary... it's happening.) right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. (Alright time to rest...)

let's listen to "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! So... where can I begin... shit loads of purging really helps me out but damn there's so much to purge... lol I'll start just telling about the day... was going pretty good but ran into an emotional conversation and I'm starting to find it easier to understand where I am and what I want to put my focus on... anyway I stayed up after my entry last night to take my grandma to church. we got their early and were chatting in the car. The sun was warming me up and I noticed I was getting tired. I told her I'm going to go ahead and take a nap while she spends the hour and a half at church. She didn't have a problem with it, and when I went to drop her off she invited me for lunch. She knows that I like the African cooking she's made in the past. It was good to talk to my step-brother. Usually the boys are working so much I don't get a chance to have an actual conversation. It was very nice to here his perspective on life. He's noticing what qualities he enjoys in a job, but also what he wants to change. He's wanting to be an entrepreneur and I loved hearing that and I wanted to support him. In conversation we were talking about the interpretations of failure and rejection. I told him that most people interpret these words as negative words and to avoid them, but in reality these are words that can really help you grow faster. Failure can be your attempt to find solutions that are working for you. It's only negative if you give up afterwards. If you want it badly enough then failures won't stop you. Told him to get past the feelings of rejection. Rejection allows you not to waste your time with that person or situation. You're not in alignment and something else is waiting to say yes to you. If you get rejected, you don't actually have to waste your time as much. Regardless he was thankful to have a heart-felt conversation. He said he doesn't get that too often... most of the people tell him he's reaching to high that he should just be happy with what he has. And he knows he's not happy... he knows the people speaking aren't happy so he's already gaining confidence to listen to himself what is truthful for him. He's looking for freedom and autonomy. of course I support that and told him he's already on the road to gain that in his experience. I also suggest Leo's videos and even the clips in case he doesn't have long attention spans... lol I had an enjoyable lunch with grandma. She likes to talk about Africa and I'm sure I'm going to visit one day so I like hearing what she says. We eat with our hands in her dishes she makes and I absolutely love that experience. Feeling the texture of the food with my fingers is satisfying for me. Just like I love biting into juicy fruits and it starts dripping on the sides of my mouth... lol I returned and took a nap. When I got up I started looking at all the material stuff I've been storing at my pops place and it just seems pretty easy to just let it go right now. There's still things like photos of family growing up that I'm not quite ready to give up... lol... I've purged a lot of them in the past and these still hold value to me and for my dad too. As I'm sorting and clearing the material items... i can start asking spiritual questions too... this idea i have of the physical world disappearing... am I trying to leave things to attach to... to give me a reason to continue to experience this physical world longer. Is that why I returned the last time... I didn't know if i was going to just leave this existence... I started listing everything I'm going to miss... I feel like the secret I am hiding to myself is the desire to not be physical... it's only an idea right now... but there's no finality or ending... so why do i have to rush out of this experience either? I'm starting to really appreciate this physical world and i'm excited to be engaged with it... it's not like I have anything else better to do... why can't i be ok with wanting to be a part of the physical world. This vessel is giving so many opportunities to sense this world and I enjoy that. When I'm ready to be nonphysical... I won't have this vessel... i'm sure i'll get to a point where that's my desire again, but i'm not ready for that. Do I think I have to give myself reasons to continue experiencing? I'm just having odd sensations that when I'm packing things up that it's a finale of my past... even though I know there's not an ending in an existential sense, but do i need to end my attachment to the unconscious person which was created without me really knowing I could make it a more conscious person. So I'm not going to go into too many details... but the relationship with my sister-in-law has affected my relationship with my nieces and nephews and my brother. She has been an amazing trigger for me. She really shows me my emotional baggage I had tied up for being accepted and worthy. I realize she's unconscious and so was I... So unconscious doesn't really exist i'm just using words that show a difference in the degree of consciousness.. She's obviously conscious, but she's not conscious of how much more conscious she is becoming.... lol... wonder why it's hard to communicate... because words are symbolic yet its the common tool to communicate... lol.. anyway I'm more conscious of how I feel around her. At first it was just reactions and now I just continue to observe her behavior and her choice of words that repels me. I know she's teaching me through being less triggered... so i can see growth there... but do I need to continue to be in her energy so i can have opportunities to visit with my family. Yeah she doesn't consider me family so that's why it's been a challenge... I love the kids and the kids love me too.. I'm in heaven when I get the chance to be with them. Even if they're rotten at times... I love seeing their personalities developing and even testing authority... it's good stuff and their psychological development is interesting. I admittedly have a fear that their mother's emotional instability will condition them negatively, but they're extremely intelligent and I know ultimately, they know they'll figure out their way to happiness for themselves. It just getting clearer that there's a great intelligence working here... that what is happening is perfection... and I keep asking myself why am I questioning this perfection... instead can i start to see how it's working and again learn from it. So I've been habitual in helping others... more and more times infinite intelligence continues to show how that affects me when I spend more attention then myself. I'm getting better at not putting so much on my plate... but it's still there. I see all these opportunities for helping other people where I'm going to have to make a commitment if I want to be a responsible solution. But that means I'm going to have to commit to staying here for other people. During this purification and clarity process... I want to commit to myself and see where that leads. I feel an itch of change and I'm wanting movement. Indiana has been perfect for what I needed to do to regain energy... purging and gaining clarity for direction... and I'm deciding not to be here... lol... so i've been trying to tell everyone i engage with i don't know how long i'll be here... it makes them uncomfortable but i'm trying to get use to not having to tie me down. I tell them freedom is what i'm looking for... and i know i have material and emotional ties that are here from my past and I want to clear them to free myself and allow new opportunities in. So i don't know how long that will take me, but once it's cleared I want the freedom to choose whatever I want to do next. I feel guilty that I know people who need help and is asking me. I respect them so I tell them what i can to help... but they want more...they want my energy, focus, and time... i still have a part of me feeling like it's a bad thing to want to spend my energy, focus, and time on myself. I mean I do it to some extent already... but can i remove this guilt? I know they are intelligent enough to overcome these issues... there's so many more solutions without me. In fact specifically it's towards my family. I've gained enough personal power to let others know when I don't want to spend my attention, focus, and time on them. I come up with a friendly way to say it but when it comes to my family it's hard for me not to feel guilty. I run into many situations where I'm not being affective so i feel there's more for me to experience to get better. I know there are people who are open to suggestions and give reciprocal feedback. Is it bad to be drawn to those situations... instead of feeling like people just want to steal my energy... lol... i'm not at a point where i can give it away as freely as i would like, but maybe if i focus on myself to develop that... in no time at all I can do that. but even in the style of shamanism i'm developing it seems like i'm not going to be the type working on every individual to help out... I'm getting messages to be able to be affective for a large amounts of people at a time. Instead of spreading my energy out to several directions at one time where I feel most of them have walls up that i have to wait for them to take down to be any help... Maybe I can gain enough energy and then find out how I can direct that into something i'm guided to do to effect several people... lol i know what i'm trying to say but i don't know how to express it... lol... but i'm starting to understand to be conscious to be comfortable of where you're at and what happens... to relax and just see the perfection play out with ease instead of making a big deal or challenge out of it all.. lol... maybe that's the true message... Observe the perfection and let it guide me. I don't need to do anything... just become a part of the perfection. Perfection has led me here which i'm thankful for... trust it's always working out for the best

@AndylizedAAY My Suggestion: Honestly... You are the only intelligence who can figure out what you need. You're already doing it. You're going to allow however long it takes for you to process. You don't need to judge yourself on how you process. You're going to find the solutions you're looking for. Trust yourself! Example on one way for me to suggest interpreting a conscious suggestion: (What you can take from that... is every time I'm speaking to you... you can change it to an I) An example of how I can interpret the words of another who is trying to guide me: "Honestly... I am the only intelligence who can figure out what I need. I'm already doing it. I'm going to allow however long it takes for me to process. I don't need to judge myself on how I process. I'm going to find the solutions I'm looking for. Trust myself! Now we've created an affirmation to help us gain more confidence and trust in ourselves without judging how long it's taking... it's going to take however long we need. (In reality... we're helping each other) My Suggestion: If you're looking for a technique... this Journal is powerfully working for me. Maybe it can work for you too? I don't know if it will. But once you start, trust yourself, you'll know if it's working for you. Example on one way for me to suggest interpreting a conscious suggestion: (What you can take from that... is every time I'm speaking to you... you can change it to an I) An example of how I can interpret the words of another who is trying to guide me: "If I'm looking for a technique... this Journal is powerfully working for her. Maybe it can work for me too? I don't know if it will. But once I start, trust myself, I'll know if it's working for me. (These examples are explaining to you why I cannot give you the perfect recommendation(s). I know what works for me, but I don't know what works for you. But I trust you can find your way.) The knowledge I'm learning from chaos to clarity is in progress... I don't have clarity yet... I'm still figuring out the answers for myself. it's only been a week of trying to clarify, but it seems I have more purging than answers. But then I also feel like I have answers that I'm trying to hide from myself in the chaos. In this process I'm trying to expose myself of hiding truths that I'm ready to face now. (Which I wasn't ready to face before and I'm fine with that) And I will continue increasing my consciousness to clarify more. Does this help?

I went to sleep for about four hours and I woke up realizing I didn't set the alarm, I used the restroom, and then I laid back down to go back to sleep... I was asking myself if I'm really afraid that all of this experience of a physical nature and the perception of interaction with objects will just disappear... I had this feeling before when I was going through my transition in my ceremonies... I had experienced that it was time for me to just not exist. I remember how I told myself I'm just now getting the hang of this existence... i'm getting to the point where I'm appreciating this reality... and I'm still wanting to live it more fully... but I also was in the surrender phase so if it was my time to not experience this anymore then it's my time. There's also an experience that wasn't in my direct awareness it's like a vision of my future where I'm just sitting there deeply contemplating what reality is and then I suddenly see white light and that's all that left and it's as if everything I knew as physical disappears. I'm calm when I'm viewing this but then I know i feel like i'm afraid that it will happen. I'm trying to go back into my direct experience... what do I know? I know that in the ceremonies I had that feeling... it was peaceful even though I was accepting my fate to not exist in this world. It was my mind in the state of consciousness that really started to run rampant. In fact the more I allowed my mind in that state run I ended up telling myself... I'm never going to experience having sex and more. I had been celibate and now i'm going to die without allowing myself to have sex, and I'm going to miss that. ideally I wanted to have sex with someone who has been present in my ceremonies for four years. He has been a muse to me without him realizing to what extent. Because he wasn't with me physically it was easy for me to become celibate. The depth of my messages of him inspired me some much that I knew what had touched me so deeply that I couldn't be so careless to allow myself or others to express anything less than the love and curiosity I feel for him. I can't pretend that I want to experience sexual relations with someone I dont want to share those experiences with... not just with anyone because they're in my physical experience out of convenience. I feel I have a responsibility to myself and to others... I don't want to pretend that there's a bond that i want to create with them that involves a sexual nature. I know I just don't want to have sex with this man. I know that there is going to be so much depth to our relationship that it will be deeply spiritual. He's already my spiritual lover... I've been giving myself time and space to prepare for our intense reunion, and allowing time and space for him to prepare too. I know the deeper I go into my spirituality, the more i'm going to attract my lover who is just as spiritual. But I'm developing emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, creatively, physically... The more I do this, the more i'll attract my lover who is developing himself to higher degrees as well. Before my dad went to sleep he put a meatloaf in the oven. He asked me to turn off the oven and put the meatloaf away. I set an alarm because we both knew I'd get lost into my Journal. So I had to do that real quick) If you've ever experienced a psychedelic then you might understand what i'm saying when I give this example. Especially if you have experienced the depth and unknowness of the experience and the magnitude of difference we originally perceive from the waking world. Well he would be my psychedelic lover and anyone else would be the waking world... lol... now that I'm experiencing the waking world as a ceremony without psychedelics... i'm starting to transition my ideas of a psychedelic, spiritual lover into a manifestation of the waking world too. It's not like I just have visions in the jungle about a man out there somewhere. We have met. We met on our first ceremonies of Aya five and a half years ago. Before we all shared our ceremonies for the first time I remember how we instantly were attracted to each other. At my state of consciousness at that time, the first thing that I was attracted to was how handsome he was. I happened to be in the van that went to pick him up from the airport. We were pulling up and he was standing there and my heart started racing... "wow... i'm so fucking lucky that I chose this van"... lol... automatically I qualified myself not worthy though... "but he's probably too good for me." So he was getting help to put his bags on top and got into the van. I remember I watched him get in with a friendly smile, but I didn't want to stare... or be too obvious... lol... so I looked out my window and waited for the van to continue... I was giving it time before I went to check him out again. But in my periphery I actually noticed he was checking me out. I was trying to play it cool and pretended I didn't notice. But I remember I was happy that he actually was seeming to maybe think i was attractive too. But I was playing it cool... and I'm pretty good socially and there was all this new stuff going on so I just went with it and tried to be in the moment as much as i could be in my current state of consciousness which I didn't really realize existed like I am more aware of now. There were other moments that I saw our eyes connect with curiosity. When we all gathered into the long wooden boat... it seemed like we wanted to get seats close to each other but not that close... I wanted a good distance to observe him. Also we had a choice of three rooms to pick to sleep and place our belongings... I walked into a room and turned to see if he was going to choose the same room, but three other guys followed me in and so our room was full. I saw him watching me and even noticed a slight hesitation that maybe he should've acted quicker, but two rooms were already filled and so I watched him walk to the remaining room. To be honest I don't know when we had our first one on one conversation... for the most part we had conversations with the group and so we were feeling each other out in a subtle way. I just want to say there is a lot more to my experience of the first of my Aya ceremonies, but I'm choosing to remember my thoughts about this spiritual lover of mine... and at this time I didn't even think that this is my spiritual lover... he was just some stranger who happened to be at the same retreat as I was. He was handsome yes, but many men are handsome. It wasn't until I experienced my ceremonies did something else evolve into my awareness. Lol... I'm not sure if i'm repeating myself or not... it's getting hard to distinguish the conversation I'm typing from the conversation in my mind... but I'll just go with it... if I repeat myself it's only to get into the the context of what i'm expressing at this time. In the first ceremonies I was getting visions from eight of the other guests there for ceremony. They were talking to me, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got a vision of him and he was sleeping. I got a few visions of him during the ceremony, but always he was sleeping. I was concerned after ceremony that these people were in my ceremonies... i was told that these ceremonies deal with you personally... so why were others in my experience? and why couldn't i hear what they were saying to me? The second ceremony was when my entire reality was shattered but in a great way... after this ceremony I knew I was never going to be the same. What I considered impossible was happening and so I knew that there is so much more than what I thought I knew. Especially when I started singing Icaros in a language I only heard the night before. Not just singing any Icaros but the same Icaros the female shaman was singing... I knew the song and I was creating a harmony with her with ease. Not only did it shock me but it shocked the facilitators who've been a part of the retreat for years with these shamans. They hadn't seen that before. Most of the time I was sending out positive vibes of love and encouragement for people (mostly the eight that had shown themselves to me on the first ceremony) and sending my energy abundance for the shamans to draw on for assistance. At that state of consciousness, I thought I was being possessed by Gaia or Aya themselves... I never thought that it was a side of me awakening and showing itself to me and others. No way was I capable of having those powers. I started getting an awareness of who the shamans were working on directly. It's pitch black, maybe I have an awareness that I knew where people were when we began... and I can still sense when they moved from one person to the other and who that person was. When they were working on him my body was in a state of ecstatic euphoric bliss. I didn't need to send my energy or vibes out for assistance at those times. Instead it was as if my body and soul was letting me know something my mind couldn't fathom at that time. But I didn't want my mind to take over... I just let my body and emotions express itself and the laughter and elation and the sexual arousal was out of this world. In that moment I was realizing this strange man was the man i've been waiting for this whole time. (after the ceremony my mind would return questioning the experience whether this can be possible or not, but in the moment I knew) I reached a point of complete surrender so i wasn't hiding any of my responses in ceremony... in fact that's what the female shaman had said when we asked how I was able to sing Icaros with her the next day during the recalling of our experience. When you completely surrender anything can happen. I wasn't the first guest to do that... she said i was the second. When I was expressing my experience of the entire second ceremony I get really caught up in my emotions and I remember even briefly mentioning my sexual frustration with a guest and gestured his way but not trying to catch his eyes and I said it quickly enough that most probably didn't catch it. I thought maybe he didn't either, but he confirmed from a later conversation that he heard it but then questioned if i actually said it out loud... lol... the guests who were laying next to me in ceremony mentioned how much energy they were feeling from me... it was intense for them. One of them was laughing at himself and at me, because when I was in that ecstatic state he said i was arousing him with all the noises i was making... lol The third ceremony I connected to my Samoan side. I mentioned I wasn't really sure about the culture since I hadn't lived it for most of my life, but during this ceremony I started doing the "sa'sa" dance. It's a style of dance the Samoans do when they use their body and the floor or ground to create rhythms. Normally it's done in a group setting but again it was as if my body and soul knew exactly what it was doing as if i had been doing this my entire life. I didn't let my mind stop me. So not only do you have two shamans singing their Icaros... you have a guest creating percussion beats and rhythms using her body and floor throughout the ceremony...lol... I had an endless stream of energy... and again I just wanted to send my love, encouragement, and energy for everyone to use to help heal whatever they were going through. I remember thinking we all chose to come here and work out the shit that's stopping us... you can do it! we can do it! Let's do it! We're doing it! I was chanting as well but it wasn't the Samoan language... it wasn't Shipibo either... it was a language I hadn't heard before but damn it for some reason it was natural. Not always did i know what i was saying but at other times i was getting the impression of the what i was saying. I don't remember having any messages of him... i was focused on the collective as a whole not singling out my attention on one person at a time. lol.. i remember that the shamans finished their Icaros and they have to wait until our energies settle before they close ceremony... I was so full of energy that I didn't want to stop i just started doing it softer. It was getting so quiet around us and I knew I should stop soon but i just couldn't stop until i knew it was time to stop. the comments I got from everyone the next day were very humorous. How were you doing that? You're a one person band? I couldn't imagine anyone being able to snap as quickly as you were. I thought there were insects in the room at one time... I remember feeling the same way when i was tapping my nails on the floor during a section of ceremony... lol Those first ceremonies I just couldn't believe how scared i was when i went but in ceremony it's like i've never been as happy as i was while i was in them... Each ceremony my mind would think there's nothing that can beat this ceremony this has to be the best ceremony i'll ever have... but each one kept getting better and better. Again people next to me would mention how my energy was affecting them by being next to me... it was as if new people would find their way to lay next to me to see what it felt like... lol There was a day when we did a day hike on the land and I know he and I finally made our way next to each other to get some one on one time. I was amused because I'm so short compared to him and he's like a giant. I felt like it was easy for me to move around the jungle with my height, but I could see the extra effort he had to do to get around. He scraped his back on a fallen tree he was trying to duck under. There was a few us that ended up getting bees stuck in our hair. I can't remember if he was the one that ran into it or not... lol... maybe because he's so tall but anyway these bees are burrowing bees so it felt like they were trying to burrow into your skull... I was so high on life that I was laughing about it and just slowly trying to remove them from my hair and everyone was helping each other out so it didn't take long. but our guide said that stories say that if you encounter these bees unexpectedly it a sign of fertility soon. During this day I knew he was gaining more interest in me and he was trying to get to know me a little more personally. When I was going through these experiences again my mind was like how is this possible... what's really going on? and who in the hell is this guy? My approach at that time is to keep my distance and observe.... I'm not going to approach him let me see if he wants to approach me or not... this could all just be in my head. But I started to get confirmation that at least there's a mutual attraction going on. We all gathered into a boat to ride down the river... again we wanted to be close but not too close... everyone had their cameras out recording and taking pictures of the beauty we found ourselves in. All of a sudden the guide picked out monkeys... it's the guides land and so he's been building a relationship with these monkey... lol... i had a nickname the jungle man for him... not too inventive but still... lol... he started to call to him with the noises... I'm recording all of this they are making their way through the trees and all of a sudden they're climbing down the trees to enter our boat. and the guide was already passing out bananas for us to feed them...i wasn't even aware of it because i was looking through the view of my camera and I didn't want to miss the opportuinity to capture footage of my first monkeys in their natural habitat.. and then they are right next to us... sitting on our laps moving from one to another... climbing on our bodies and shoulders to get from one place to another... one ended up sitting next to the ledge by me and i was able to pet him and just touch him sending out vibes of safety and love. There was another monkey that started to fall and I caught him before he hit anything.. they were wrapping around our bodies with their long tails... it was just absolutely amazing! So I have my camera trying to capture it all and I also found myself trying to get some footage of him during this experience but again not trying to linger long and being too obvious of my attraction towards him. I still have the footage and I caught him recording me and he was kind of in awe of me and then caught himself... and went back to engaging with everything going on. After a while we ended up in a large open area of the river and the guide pointed out the pink dolphins... I'm hunting around with my camera trying to capture footage of them. He stopped the boat to see if anyone was interested in swimming. I knew I wanted to... I looked at him to see if he was going to dive in or not.. and we were checking out what we were going to decide... we didn't bring swimsuits we'd just have to go in with what we had on. Actually maybe we did have swimsuits on... i think he had his swim shorts on and maybe i had one on under my clothes. I don't remember removing my clothes I just looked at him and I started taking off my boots and he did too and we just dove into the water. It's so refreshing to swim in the river. Every morning during the retreat I would swim in the river while everyone was still sleeping... I'd do it before I would do some yoga and breathing techniques until it was breakfast time. Any way... I wasn't swimming with him... i was enjoying how much I love to swim and because of how everything was going I thought maybe the pink dolphins would come and swim with us... lol... they didn't but it was so nice... everything was so right We ended up on a sandy beach where we docked and allowed everyone to walk around. We were all so peaceful and happy... As I was walking, I found a few fish bones that I recognized the female shaman using in her jewelry. I found three of them and so i figured i'd give them to her so she can use them. I did when we returned. We don't speak the same language so I was telling her to make her jewelry with what I found and left it at that. The fourth ceremony is a little hazy to me now. I remember before we started he came to lay next to me but not right next to me. He had a space for someone to lay between us. I remember chuckling and said it's much safer to not be next to me. If you're next to me it could be dangerous... lol... he laughed and said I like a little danger... and I commented that might be what you say now... But the most of what I remember is feeling like I was a caterpillar in it's cocoon transforming. I had a vision of a swampy unhealthy location which was a symbol of my digestive system. I need to change my behavior of what i'm allowing myself to consume. I wasn't too outwardly active. This was definitely my own internal ceremony. I believe I even fell asleep for a while in my little cocoon. I was hardly sleeping while I was there. I didn't sleep in my bed except for the last night... I'd always try to sleep for a while in the maloka...the ceremonial room. Usually there were two other girls that would sleep there with me. I had so much energy that my sleep wouldn't last long and I'd make my way to the river for my routine while I was there. The two girls were roommates back in Utah.. They are amazing women and there's so much i'm leaving out because I'm just trying to recall the gist of my experience with this Spiritual man. One of the girls mentioned one time after her ceremony during our group discussions... that she saw two of the guests together in the ceremony...I heard her, but I didn't know she was talking to me. It could've been any of us. After the retreat and we were back into the main city to leave did she end up confronting me about it. She knew it was me and she knew it was him. She said we were snakes entangling ourselves around a staff moving upwards. It was like we were a living caduceus. She also said that she and i were building a green temple together. The female shaman gave me my bones back in necklace form... I was so surprised... I didn't know she thought I wanted her to make me necklaces from what I found. I loved them though and it felt really special to me. I had three and so I kept one and I knew I wanted to give him one, and I had another friend who I was building a good relationship with... he's actually the one i was singing the Icaros towards in the second ceremony. So I gave him the last one. When I gave it to my Spiritual lover, he accepted it with an open heart. When he tried it on though it was too small... so I had to try to explain to the female shaman that I needed her to extend it... using sign language techniques and pointing at him... she understood. And now we've come to the fifth ceremony the final ceremony of this retreat. He decided it's time to be next to me in ceremony. I was excited and nervous at the same time... This is where I'm starting to feel a little hesitation. I want to not be ashamed and embarrassed. Early I said there are things in my past that I thought was embarrassing but I have healed those already... but as my mind had time to continue processing I knew there were things still in my memory that I'm embarrassed and ashamed of I haven't healed. But I realize there's nothing to be ashamed of because it just happened to be where my state of consciousness was and I didn't know any better. This spiritual man.... because it's so fantastical is something that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of expressing to others. I've tried to express them with friends and family and because of their state of consciousness and their experiences... there's no way that could be happening to me... i'm just hallucinating. In fact this spiritual man was the one that told me these are "just visions in the jungle" There's nothing deeper than that. I was confident in some of my messages during ceremony... especially when they dealt with only me... like the digestive cleansing and also somehow naturally having shamanic abilities. But the rest especially dealing with him I wasn't so confident in. I would allow them to convince or at least put doubt in me that I was looking at it all wrong. but also there's another part that remembers how clearly I was understanding the situation during ceremony... so powerfully and with certainty that I couldn't ignore either. There was definitely this back and forth battle I was dealing with. He and I have been in contact since these first ceremonies and let me tell you it wasn't what i expected. And I know it makes him uncomfortable expressing my curiosity towards him. At first he was caught in the flow of it all and then when he returned back into his "real life" away from ceremony... it was apparent that our experience was just a result of hallucinations and fake feelings and emotions we shared, but in real life this cannot continue. These are not his words these are my interpretation of what he was expressing to me. But again why am I hesitant to continue... because he's a private man. He's been recording spiritual podcasts since he returned from the ceremonies and at one time he was with a group that showed their faces. He however placed a virtual figure over himself as if he was wearing a mask so others couldn't see who his true identity is. What is he hiding from others and himself? Why am I concerned that he's going to be upset if I continue to share our experience with the collective? Who's going to read this anyway? As far as I know from how he's spoken to me... we just happen to be friendly with each other from time to time. I'm just some girl he had a few good times with, but I'm out there... I'm crazy and intense... my life experience is completely different from his own... and he can't or doesn't want to understand that. (What he thinks about me is from his judgements on me... he doesn't want to confirm the truth by actually getting to know me.) We're from two different countries and he's not ready to have a serious relationship... with someone long distance... or maybe never at all. (I had experienced polyamorous relationships before and I remember asking him if that's an option because I don't want him to stop wanting to share relationsips with other people if he wants to, but I'd like to get to know him better and would like to start a relationship with him that involves sharing feelings about his and my experiences) She might be sweet and spiritual, but her understanding of spirituality is whoo-whoo... it's not a true in-depth search into spirituality. (He is so closed minded about the "proper" way to do spirituality... in fact because he doesn't have an open mind in this area... it's hard to be attracted to him) I also think he assumes I'm interested in him for his money... I literally didn't even think about his money... i didn't care what money he has... that wasn't anything I cared about when I'm looking for a romantic partner. In fact I usually stayed cleared of men with money because i felt ashamed that i was poor. When I started to get the picture, he had a good job and probably made decent money i could hear my insecurities welling up inside me. But because of the intensity of the messages, I was trying to overcome that insecurity to give it a chance. Am I still attached to the words he expressed to me now? Maybe a little because I remember it affecting me. But what do you know now about this situation? I know I wasn't conscious and neither was he. Can i blame myself or him for not being conscious... no it's just how it is... we don't know until we know. Am I conscious? yes... but i know my consciousness will continue to mature, but there does seem to be a huge shift of what being conscious means. Is he conscious? he is, but he hasn't hit the huge shift yet... but I know he will continue to mature too. I get confirmations all the time of this during ceremonies. But I can read his behavior and hear the words he speaks to determine his level of consciousness and I can confirm in my direct experience that it's not attractive, regardless of the messages I've received... of course there's a desire to attract when it's time and with patience which again is ever present in my messages... but in my direct experience it is not now. Just because he's not fully attractive to me at this time... does it mean that I should reveal what he would consider secrets? NO... I want him to trust me... I am trust-worthy... it doesn't matter i'm ready to expose myself completely... he is not ready... I feel i would need his permission. I respect him and our relationship. Alright I've decided to not continue with all the details. I'm just trying to build up an understanding of how much he means to me. I thought after the first trip to Peru it would stop when I had ceremonies without him. I joked with him when I was returning for my second round... that maybe the spell he cast on me will be broken... it was a joke but i was also curious what these rounds of ceremonies would reveal. Short and simple... it didn't stop it just deepens. I get messages in my dreams and even while I'm doing art at times. It just continues.. I got sidetracked because I was trying to really talk about the moment I thought the physical world was going to collapse or dissolve around me. The moment I made unconscious decisions because I didn't know any better. These moments that afterwards I was ashamed and embarrassed of because I can ask myself... why didn't you know better? how could you have done this or allow others to do that to you? I didn't know what I didn't know... and I was unconscious and others were unconscious too. Do I need to go through all the details to purge it out? No I don't think so... I think I can pick out the moments of memory that is still holding me back and purge it out myself. I know I have been getting a feeling that I don't have to share everything so openly. Which is really hard for me I want to be open and vulnerable... but I'm getting a deeper understanding that the conscious level of the collective isn't ready to support me with my experiences. Because of their judgements it will affect me. Instead of me processing and trying to manifest... if I tell more people the more they will influence the process. If they don't agree or if they are negative with what I express then... it's just going to be more of a challenge for me. If i can keep it to myself or run into people who understand then it's going to be easier to manifest. The collective conscious affects me and I affect the collective consciousness. Recalling this first thought of death... I had to overcome that fear to experience it... and that's when the huge shift happened in my life. If I'm still remembering or even having future visions of the physical world dissapearing still... is it really scary? It's not really scary to me because I know that there is no finality... there's no end... there's no completion... these words were created to find a way to communicate concepts... but these words don't actually describe existence. Maybe it's not the fear of it going to happen... but it's the fear that I have visions I want to create in this aspect of experiencing this physical world that I want to experience before I transition to whatever is next. But I know how safe I am... I know how ultimately loving and patient this infinitely intelligent consciousness we are is... it's always helping me to ready to be ready to be ready... and so when i'm ready to have the physical world dissolve... I'll be ready for it... for now my fear is the powerful opportunity I have, and I want to be more conscious, so the appreciation is not being lost to be less conscious. I want to be my highest potential... and I am at the degree of my development of consciousness. My potential will continue to increase but i'm going to stop shaming myself and others from their past decisions or even their current decisions. I'm not going to be embarrassed there's nothing to be embarrassed about. We are living in perfection... which again may seem chaotic, but really its infinitely intelligent and I don't need to force or shame existence. It's what's teaching me truth. I'm going to allow it to guide me.

Alright... I've taken time to let myself settle today... I had a really good conversation with my dad when I first woke up. I thought maybe I needed to get onto the forum to journal, but then I thought maybe I just need to wait until later when there's not so many tv's going. I ended up watching the last three episodes with my dad with a series called "the Invisible City" which I really enjoyed. He said I should go back and watch the first series and what led up to these, but I told him I got what I needed from those shows, but I had a good time watching it with him. I went and just stretched my body listening to some Tibetan flute music and I worked on the bead curtain for my pops. I went to eat at a restaurant by myself and had a great conversation with a guy who was eating alone too. I remembered I'm going to be getting up early tomorrow to take grandma to her church. So I figured I'd just have to start now. What I wanted to do was to go back and review my rant I went on yesterday. I knew I was a little frustrated and it's nice to purge, but I want to gain clarity that I'm not that same person who just accepts where my consciousness is... I mean there's an acceptance, but I also know I can recontextualize and I want to before moving forward. There's a lot that's processing and so I want to gain a better perspective before I continue. I'm going to copy and past so I can start editing like I did last night. I know that I can even redo the edit last night because there's more that I know but I need to process this in the time I need. Lets hightlight the sneaky limited beliefs and also change the exclusive words I used and then gain clarity of the message that's more conscious. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their our current state of consciousness... can they we remember their our awareness has grown? well maybe you I can continue to grow... maybe others we have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their our own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective us onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals us desire to understand their our own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective us. What really could happen with a collect us who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they we are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them us. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective us... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's our intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective we is on your experience. But you I can also gain enough consciousness to know you I have the power to affect the collective our experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's our hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they we intuit for them ourselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their our conscious state should be paramount in their our focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone us when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people we who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people we that know what i'm talking about because theywe've done their our form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective us... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other us... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you us and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective we which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective us and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you we just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective us that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you us too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective us if the collective we doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity! Ok... I'm zoning out... we got a basketball game playing, dads playing his zombie game, and i'm not ready to focus right now... and i feel tired. So i'll leave it and continue when i'm better prepared.

This is exactly what i needed right now... i'm thankful i attracted this opportunity. And I'm going to take advantage as much as I am capable at this point in my life. It's really putting my perspective into a different level and direction. What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing I'm still stuck in my stories of my past, but i don't want to be there. (ok... let's put some music on so i can get into a groove... I'll go ahead and play a song I enjoy and add playlist to it so I can hear new songs too. I want to hear the artist Glass Animals and the song is Gooey... Enjoy!) I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have for others myself, i'm actually talking to myself. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. It feels like I'm channeling... how to explain it is i become a channel and just let whatever is coming through in my mind I speak or do... In ceremonies I could realize that the words I was speaking was to help guide people us that were with me... but it was also messages for myself for me to understand deeper. I know I'm working my way to experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where life becomes ceremony. I'm not conscious of that... or least I'm getting better. I'm realizing that I still have limiting beliefs that are sneaking up in my awareness... that's why i'm getting stuck in the story. I'm wondering if I can try to literally wipe my slate clean. In the back of my mind i'm not sure if it all should wipe clean but i do know that most of my stories can definitely be cleared out. The memories that I want to keep are the messages I've received of the picture or story I want to create deliberately. I want to go back to ceremonies... to get me to where I am I approached it as if i just surrender to the experience... It's so vast and unkown to me that I wanted infinite intelligence to guide me. I felt like I would get the messages I needed at that time and then I can place my focus on that. Only in my last few ceremonies did i start getting messages to put my intention to get a specific result. That's the case with me... it will let me know when i'm ready to focus on that. But again I had separated ceremony from my life. But if i want life to be a ceremony then i need to realize there's no separation. So if i've gotten to a point where i can focus my intention to get a specific result... why am i still surrendering to whatever happens in my life and just respond to it. I'm ready to be more active in leading my life into the vision i want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being unconscious making a vision of my future at that state and the collective we is mostly unconscious... I still need to focus on me before i can really be affective with the collective us. I cannot continue to behave as if i'm still unconscious. That is not the case and I say i'm ready... I'm going to make a more deliberate attempt to make the changes i want to make for myself at this time. I realize that i'm ok holding people's our hands and tip toeing around people us who isn't ready to go as deep as i want to go with them us... I know I am intelligent enough to go deep in many ways without them us knowing what i'm doing but guiding them us nevertheless. When it comes to myself I don't want my hand held and I don't want to tip toe around changes I want. So i'm going to be more strict... My version of strict probably isn't the same as others ours, but I know that my potential is more then what i'm showing now... and i'm tired of playing small. I realize that the individual is affecting the collective us and the collective we is affecting the individual. So i'm more aware of how i'm presenting myself to be an example of a developed consciousness. I want to create conscious possibilities with high conscious collective us. (Ok... I know I need to double check my habitual way of speaking. I've been recommending others here at the forum to do it... but I've done quite a bit of work on this but i was less conscious when i was doing this... so i better revisit this myself, because i'm telling myself i'm missing the sneaky limiting beliefs that I still repeat in my present moment. So i'm going to go back and hightlight any that I find in red.) (Now I know that i'm really talking to myself and others are myself as well... so i'm going to go ahead and switch the pronouns being used. First I'll change everytime I used they and replace it with we... this is what i do when i'm clarifying my polished message and it's really helpful for deeper understanding to reprogramming my perspective. I'll use blue as the replacement we. When I use the word others i'm going to use we again but with purple.) When I find a word that implies i'm excluding myself as separate from anything, I will cross it out and replace it with an inclusive pronoun.) Time to recontextualize my thoughts being more aware. This is going to be more of what I wanted to tell us. Let's see how it goes... What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing the stories of my past is not helping me create what I want. I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have is for us. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. I become a channel for infinite intelligence to speak and act... In ceremonies I realize that the words I speak are to help guide us to a deeper understanding. I know I can experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where my life becomes ceremony. I'm conscious of this. I'm validating it now in my direct experience. I'm realizing that if I continue to use limiting beliefs will result in a story that is limiting. The part of the stories I don't want to continue, I can wipe clean. The messages I received from my memory that are expansive will help me create a future story that is conscious and intentional. In my existence... my first approach was to surrender to infinite intelligence to guide me. The messages I received at that time directed my focus when I didn't know how myself. Infinite intelligence has now made me aware that I am ready to be intentional with my focus. I'm ready to be active in leading my life into the more conscious vision I want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being less conscious will lead to less conscious choices and behaviors. When I focus on myself it will affect us all. If my awareness points out behaviors that are less conscious than what I'm capable of, then I will focus my attention to make more conscious behaviors. I'm ready to make deliberate attempts to make the changes I want to make at this time. I realize we are going to guide us to go deeper. We are intelligent enough to go deeper with guidance. When it comes to myself, I'm going to be conscious and intentional so I can guide us. My version of being deliberate will have its variety. I know that my potential can continue to grow, and I want to show my authentic self. We are significant. I realize that I affect us, and we affect me. I am more aware of how I present myself as an example of a developing intelligence that's growing our consciousness. If I can be more conscious, then we can be more conscious. We can imagine more when we are developing more consciousness. It's exciting! That sounds more of what I understand now... I can see my clarity growing. More polished than my original thoughts... Happy with where I am and excited to see where this leads!

Hello! I didn't realize you already had a Journal started... I'm glad you're continuing... it's going to be beneficial I can see you seeing it too! What I'm finding useful in my journal is to let it out... just like you are doing which is wonderful, but if you want to put another layer onto your growth... can i suggest to copy and paste what you wrote and go back and highlight the limiting beliefs you have. Maybe you can just get better at noticing when you are still entertaining limiting belief. Eventually... start to reword them to give you the feeling it's possible to change these beliefs. You're doing amazing... I read some of your content and I love what I'm seeing. And I see you catch yourself at times... but there's more to catch excited for you!

Alright... I realize that I've expressed an experience that I had that maybe percieved as something bad or even traumatic. But I don't feel traumatized by the experience. I admitted that it's not my first time processing what happened to me in these experiences... but i feel like I left it at the point of my last conscious state of addressing the experience. I'm at a different level of consciousness and I know I can dig deeper... and I'm ready to dig deeper. And I know I was still tip toeing around what I am realizing to make the collective comfortable. But I know I'm truely wanting to purge and I'm not satisfied with the depth that I have expressed so far. So again I accepted the challenge... So what do I know now about these experiences... now? In case you don't know what I'm experiences i'm talking about... its the involvement with two family members... one from each side of my family... in two locations... Samoa and Indiana... With a time period of not that long... I don't really remember how old I was, but maybe from the age of 5ish to 6ish maybe even 7ish... I found myself with these family members where they involved me by being their object of attention. Their attention seems to be gaining pleasure of touching the butt region of a younger female. When they saw the young female not wanting to continue this involvement, they responded differently. Again... what was really going on in my experience and what am I understanding... what am i trying to realize to let this purge be successful? I'm going to start with the first experience when I was in Samoa. At that point I didn't understand sexual arousal. I wasn't aware that my older cousin has a sexual arousal he was trying to understand. I'm not even sure what age he was at the time... Maybe he was in his late teen years. In my experience of being in my late teen years, I found myself highly curious about sex. Everyone talks about it and I find myself wanting to know what it is. I find it extremely pleasurable to share affection... hugs, kisses, going down on each other with our hands, using even my mouth to please my partner, touching someone intimately, and having someone else touching me. I was 17 when I had my first sexual intercourse experience. Maybe around 4 months before I turned 18. I was aware of many of my fellow students or influencers at that time hadn't had a lot of direct experiences but there were strong desires and emotions wanting to know what that experience really is. It's an idea mostly... we really didn't know until we found ourselves in it. I know there were some that were actually involved with the experiences and to the other extreme where there were others who wanted it but wasn't finding them partners to share those experiences with. I can figure that there were two different conscious levels interacting with each other (1) I was a young child completely unconscious of what sexual interactions were. I can assume my family would bathe me and touch me everywhere to clean my body. I'm sure I even needed help to wipe myself after the restroom. Having others touch my nude body wasn't anything that was unusual. When he pulled my panties down it didn't seem to bother me. i trusted him. When I saw his body parts rubbing on mine I know i hadn't had that happen before. But I didn't feel in danger. He wasn't trying to hurt me. To me he wasn't trying to hide anything so it wasn't like we were trying to be secretive so again this could be normal. (2) I'm going to assume the conscious level of my cousin. (I have not talked to him since I left the island as a child. I have been back to visit the village once when I was in high school. And I completely avoided him. I only remember seeing him once and that was it... in the back of my mind I remember I was scared to run into him again.) I'm not sure if he was already engaging in sexual exploration with partners in his own age group. Or maybe he was someone who couldn't find a partner to share with. He had a degree of consciousness that he knew what sexual interactions were and what sexual arousal was too. He was aware of his penis being used not only to urinate, but it has the ability to ejaculate to create sexual gratification. He knew what sex was, I did not. I can bring in another layer to his consciousness state... when I spoke to another female cousin a little younger than I was who shared in a similar experience with that same cousin. I was in high school and she was in middle school when we spoke about it. We didn't go into details, but I remembered I was upset that she had to go through that but another part was comforted that I wasn't the only one who had to process this type of experience. I was processing so I don't think I was able to help her understand anymore then what she already found was working for her. I wanted it not to affect me so i knew i wanted to heal from it, but I still found myself angry... we both were able to get our anger and frustration we were feeling at that time. Let's dig even more and add another layer that is here that isn't being addressed... This cousin again I had mentioned earlier was actually an uncle, but actually a cousin. How can this be? In (Had to go get my pipe... it's a good time to take a few puffs for myself) So again I didn't really live in the Samoan culture long as a child. I felt like I have always wanted to learn more about it. I returned to the Samoan side during my high school summers... on break I would go and visit to try to understand that part of me that was missing for around 10 years. But I did get an opportunity to talk to members of my family that was giving me an impressions of how our culture looks at the life experience. (But again I didn't realize then that I was listening to others who has different degrees of consciousness and telling it from their perspective. I saw them in a sense as a better authority of understanding because they have been living in it more then myself... so it was like I was taking what they said for granted. But honestly by then I had already been gaining a better understanding of life through my current degree of conscioiusness... I had built confidence and but not deeply to the point that they were influencing my perspective of the world) So what I had gathered with this current situation was that one of my aunts had a child before she was married and i guess considerably younger than expected. My grandparents decided to adopt the child as it was their child. I'm not sure if they gave my aunt a choice or not... or if my aunt wanted their help to take care of the child. My grandparents had many children... I can't remember but I think my mom was one of around 11 children. So having my cousin adopted wasn't anything unusual... How I understand it is was like a family secret that others couldn't know about. But in fact many of the family didn't know about it either. My aunt had other children and I think two of her children was raised by the grandparents as if they were her child. Her youngest child she raised herself. None of the children knew who their actual mother was except the youngest. So the two boys thought their grandmother was their mother. They thought their mother was their sister. It wasn't until they were older did they get told the truth and I kind of able to see the results of how they reacted to the new information... to keep it simple it was traumatic for them... they were struggling. Even the youngest girl who was the cousin I had a lot of time to get to know which shared the similar experience didn't find out until she was older she actually had two brothers. What's even being aware of it to me now is... she ended up finding out that what she thought was her uncle who was treating her inappropriately was actually her brother. (Dad just warned me the gray cats in... which is fine and she's welcome, but I have to split my attention a little here because I don't want her and Elvis fighting. Ok first of all I don't call her grey cat... she's Sissy to me. Sissy is a sweet cat and extremely smart, but she has tendencies to take out anger on my little buddy whether she doesn't like the fact he gets more attention and she also knows when she fights with him we separate them... and lately we'll put her outside. So I'm going to continue, but I'm aware she's in here. I just want to let everyone just be what they want to be, but I also don't want them to affect our state negatively... we'll just continue... there might not be anything to worry about... so let's not worry.) We can continue to go deeper by my grandparents state of consciousness and their societal conditioning which led them to decide to take the grandchildren as their children... but I'm hoping to give you a better understanding that the degree of the collective consciousness is important to understand... the level of development always has consequences. My awareness of this is becoming deeper from the contemplation I was processing last night. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their current state of consciousness... can they remember their awareness has grown? well maybe you can continue to grow... maybe others have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals desire to understand their own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective. What really could happen with a collect who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective is on your experience. But you can also gain enough consciousness to know you have the power to affect the collective experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they intuit for themselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their conscious state should be paramount in their focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people that know what i'm talking about because they've done their form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective if the collective doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity!

So... it seem like I need to purge a little more before I get back to the message I'm trying to create. It feels amazing and admittedly this style of journaling with it being public is bringing a new depth then just journaling on my own. I guess I want to mention that this is not the first time that i've looked into my past. I've been working on my perception of my trauma since I was in middle school. But it almost feels like i'm really going to purify to the point where i'm not going to have anything hold be back. There's a few things that happened to me that I want to go ahead and record before I continue with my past. We can focus on what's happening now. This morning my dad's wife called. They've been married around 10 years now. They're still married but they live separately. They care for each other but I don't think the romance is there and i don't think the romance has been there for a long time. It seems like my dad's been looking for a lover his entire life. He married my mom at around 25, and as far as i know I think that was his first sexual partner. He's been through a number of wives now. And I know it's affected the way i use to look at relationships. But we won't get into it too much since that's not really my story to tell, but i'll mention when it happens to fall into the story. His wife is from Zambia. She's been working and going to school. She has two sons and her mother is here too. I answered the phone and I asked her how her tests were going... she's at her mid-terms trying to get her LPN (lol... I don't know all these initials... had to ask my dad some questions. He's answering so he knows i'm writing about him... lol He's doing his routine... reading his book around 1am and then he'll head to bed around 2am. My dad is the guy who always carries a book with him when he's in public. If has to wait then he'd rather be reading. When we go out of town to visit my brother and his family... I drive during the day so he can read, and then he'll drive a night. I use to be the gal who would carry my art projects with me... lol... in high school and college I would usually carry my notepad around so I can draw. If people were watching a show that didn't really interest me then I could get lost into my artwork.) She's been attempting a few times... she actually has to go to Ohio because she's reached the limit to pass the test in Indiana. She is so determined and I'm sure she's going to reach her goals of becoming an RN. To her she wants to provide money for her family here and also back home in Africa. Her family actually has gotten to the point where they just expect money whenever they want for any reason. She worked so hard that six years ago she got sick and couldn't recover quickly that she ended up in ICU. She also had medical issues that wasn't known to us. I have to constantly remind her to not run herself empty and just keep running on empty. But I don't see her often. But I've been making a more conscious attempt since I returned. She's got a big heart and I would love for my dad to have a relationship with her more then friendship. But I've also been the one that told him if he's not happy then he shouldn't be afraid to keep trying. I think that's why my dad moved back to our hometown for almost two years now. He turned 70 this February... and he has a limiting belief he's getting to old. But I'm telling you this man is not old... and if he could do some conscious work on his social skills... he could really have a chance to find that partner or even blossom the partner he has. I don't know if I said this yet but my dad's been my bestfriend for a long time. He is the only one who i've shared pretty much everything with. He knows pretty much everything I'm writing on my Forum posts... lol... I'm trying to get him interested... He's highly intellegent and maybe he could start his social skills by communicating online other than trying to talk to women... lol but i'm trying to make a more conscious effort to have a relationship with his wife and her family. Her mom had asked me to drive her to church... at first my dad was talking and assumed i'd say no and he said no too... but i heard him and told him I would. I'm always curious to hear what's being said in spiritual circles regardless if i agree or not. I was curious to hear what they are saying. I told her that I'd take her every other Sunday while I'm still here. This Sunday is her day... my cousin who wants to get the family to talk to my 2nd cousin about her mental state is supposed to be this Sunday too. So I told her I will do it and text my cousin I would be available after 3pm. This is a big step because I knew I returned to Indiana because I wanted to focus on myself but also I wanted to spend time with my family. And that assumption would be my dad's family who i grew up with. But I told my dad's wife that her mom is family too and I made a commitment with her first. I don't think we are ready to talk to the 2nd cousin right now. At least not in a serious way where it looks like we are going to be telling her we know what's best for her. I messaged saying that if we do this we should make a commitment to gain her trust before we go in too strong. Maybe we can just do some fun activities together like bowling or something. Something light hearted and just get to know each other more. I admit I feel like a stranger to her... she's a lot younger then I am and I only saw her at holidays but I was here and there for 20 years now. I love her but i don't really know her. I don't think she's going to be comfortable talking with me without having establishing trust. That side of the family doesn't even come to holidays anymore. I went to my aunt's to see them all. I was talking with her and I wanted to meet her son. She had just got out of jail and was telling me about it. Mostly she seemed like her attention was from one thing to another and the child was acting out a lot too. When she was younger my dad and her had a good relationship. I was talking to him trying to get him to join us. He doesn't know if he will, but he admitted that he knew the moment when he lost her trust. It had been a few years since they had seen each other and he said she could see in her eyes that she looked at him like she did as a child, but he said he didn't reciprocate it back and he could see the relationship broke at that time. He would be such a huge help. And it would be helpful for him too. I went to drop off the recycling which has been collecting over the winter... lol.. it was too cold for me to pack up the car to take the recycling. We have a shed at the back of the house that we just stored most of it, but some boxes were stored in my studio area as well. It's nice to start recycling in a smaller town. I had looked into before and there were quite a bit of rules which before I didn't want to do... I wanted it to be easier, but it is easy I just didn't think it was at first. I'm trying to create a recycling organizing space in the shed to hopefully promote my dad to start recycling. When it comes to trash day we don't really have a lot of trash. I'd say we only put trash out once maybe twice a month. Most of what we use is recyclable. When I arrived back at the house... it was in September last year... it was overwhelming how much clutter was collected at the house. At first you think we just need to figure out how to hire a dumpster and just throw it all away. Again since money is considered scarce in our family... that wasn't really an option but I also know i'm more conscious so I knew I could figure out how to organize what was there and start showing my dad how to recycle. I did a little when I was living in the city years ago, but we had a trash can specifically for recycling so again it was easier. I'm not sure how my dad got to the point of just collecting. I can assume once he had this place by himself he just needed things around him. I haven't really asked him about it, but he wasn't stopping me either for majority of the items. It was only when it came to his stuff did he want to go through it before i donated, or recycled, and finally trash it. It wasn't like he was attached to most of the clutter. He just didn't find it important. But.... i guess there is a tendency he has that might also have him collecting. I believe he thinks that at any moment society could fail. He collects water and food... He's digging a bomb shelter which I told him it should be used as a root cellar mostly and in a worse case scencario it could help shelter him from disaster. So yeah... i think that might have started him collecting thing just in case he will need it. I know I found myself wanting to find creative ways to use it purposefully. especially the items that aren't good for landfills and also unable to recycle... i've been having a challenge trying to recycle the foam that's been collected. If it wasn't so flammable I'd suggest it for insulation for the house. I had to hang layers of blankets onto the wall of my bedroom to try to stop the wind from blowing in the room and my dad has a heater he uses in his office which keeps him warm... he tries to use fans to get it to blow into my area but I told him that it's not needed. I can definitely layer up. The garage was even more packed from floor to ceiling and I tackled it and did pretty good, but i'm hoping this spring I can give it a go again. there's a lot of metal I'm going to scrap. I haven't done it before but i think i can figure it out. He's got appliances that's going to be hard to get rid of too. Lol.. i've been trying to find tinkerers... I might break down the big screen tvs and try to donate circuit boards. I'm not sure how it all will go, but again... he's just at a point if he doesn't see it, it's not an issue... and it's just not an issue anyway. I felt closterphobic when I first arrived. I think I mentioned I was sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the living room surrounded by stuff with a somewhat path to get through the room to get to the rest of the house. The bedroom I used was also full. I've been helping some older folks in Colorado when I went there for work in the summer the past five years so I know it looks like it's impossible, but really when you get into it it doesn't take as long as you'd think. Now I'm not saying we're done, but getting it to a point to be able to live in the space and walk around is crucial for me. I'm hoping by this spring my dad will help me continue the process. I love how i feel when I purge... I think he will enjoy the process too... and it's not so much as he had to deal with. I also wanted to spend some quality time with my little buddy too. Elvis has not liked the fact i've been in my dad's space using the computer. There's a line he won't cross because he thinks there's going to be a gray cat whos going to chase after him and fight. Which was the case, but since it started getting warmer we've been trying to keep her out. Dad's been able to seal up the subfloor, so she has to cry at the front or back door if she wants more food. (So my dad went to bed and all the tvs are shut off... i think it's time to find some music to play. Let's see if I have any suggestions for tonight... hmmm... I think i saw an artist i wanted to try out.. an Xavier Rudd. Oooow this playlist has Aboriginal art as the cover... interesting... i don't think i've heard these songs but let's give it a go. Enjoy! Any way I have a desk next to the hallway that leads to my dads and he sits there poking his face around the corner crying to me. He wants my attention. I tried picking him up and placing him on my lap so he can be with me as i type but he doesn't feel safe in this area. So i started traveling with him a few years ago. I took him to Hawaii and then I took him to Peru during my 8 months there. He definitely doesn't trust anyone or any animal. Sometimes he really freaks out with other cats. It's weird because he wasn't like that when Mika was with us. Well I know I want to get to the point where he's comfortable with people and other animals... of course to some extent... if he needs to run or fight for his life then i understand, but he's not in those situations 90% of the time if not more. It's been taking him a long time to even be really lovey with me... I'm not sure what he went through but I'm a cat lady... I love on my cats and pay a lot of attention to them... but he's been slowly allowing me to love on him more. And he's getting to the point where he lets me know he misses me when i'm not around as much as i usually am. Only since we've been here has he been wanting to laying on me while we sleep... probably because of the cold i'm not sure... but he's wanting to lay in my lap more too... so i love seeing that. Mika, my little princess... I was with her 14 years... and she would love for me to love on her... She passed away three days before I returned to Colorado right before covid shut everything down. I was taking a four month trip to Peru, Hawaii, and Australia. I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her, and my friend watching them had to deal with that while I was away. He said he didn't feel comfortable messaging me and he wanted to not worry while i was away. He buried her in his yard. We had spent six months with him when we first went to Colorado... so he had a relationship with my kiddo kitties. Since that happen... I decided I wasn't going to leave my little buddy behind anymore. I started getting him prepared to travel. I started letting him go outside. Got a bag and started taking him on walks in the bag with me. He's not too happy when I do that to him, but he'll get better used to it. Eventually I'll settle down somewhere where he'd be safe to stay alone if i go on short trips. I don't know we'll see. (Packed the pipe to take a few puffs.) It's definitely a larger challenge traveling with a cat. Especially because I run into more people who are opposed to cats compared to dogs... but oh my goodness he teaches me how much fear i still hold when i travel with him... lol i'll touch base with the details. So it's apparent to my dad and i we are just walkovers when it comes to kids and animals... lol we can't help ourselves but we love for them to be wild childs most of the time... but i'm getting a better understanding about having a balance with them. But anyway we have had these cats joining our space. Now again my dad says he's not really a cat person, not that he hates them or anything, but he wouldn't have a cat as a pet if it was his choice. But man cats love him... I'm sure if I wasn't with him this winter the cats wouldn't have been in the house as much as they have been. I could understand them wanting a shelter from the winter and getting food on the regular. And of course i don't mind loving on them. So there's a one-eyed Jack who's with us now. Honestly, I don't know if he's a he or not... he's not comfortable to be held yet and i'm ok with whatever it is... I prepared him a litter box because he just doesn't want to be outside. we don't know where he came from but he looks rough and I told dad that we can take care of him until he gets healthier... he's such a chill cat most of the time and he fits our temperaments. He's not trying to attack Elvis which makes me more comfortable to have him with us. Elvis... he's all talk... so he still let's Jack know he doesn't want to be friends yet...lol But when it's the four of us we don't have to separate any of the areas and i think i can get everyone comfortable with each other if i just take the time to do it. I think I have to gain more trust with Jack before I attempt them sharing the same space together...like a room together. I love observing animal behavior... I can learn a lot from them... but also my reactions or responses to my cats also teaches me as well. I worked a little on the bead curtain for my dad. I had a job for a short time when i arrived in indiana... it was theoretically a cool position. I did some maintenance and building and some interior design. I was making beads out of the scrapbook paper I have been storing here. The concept was recycling and repurposing. I was doing it at my pops and so it bled into the ideas i had for the project. I was creating a curtain and he mentioned he would like one too. I've been making clothes all winter in my own little world... I can use a break from it so i decided to start on my dad's curtain. i've been feeling a change and so i assumed it was because i'm ready to leave Indiana and possibly go to work for the summer. So i'm starting to purge my material possessions and organize my studio to become my dad's studio. But since i've been involved with this forum... maybe the change is the process i'm going through now. I might still need to tie up loose ends here in the house... i'm not sure i'm open. I want to return back to Peru so normally I go to Colorado and work a few jobs and save to be able to travel. So I'm looking to switch things up... I'd love to just do my own thing, but if i have to apply for another job then i'll do that too. I applied for a position in a secluded retreat in Alaska. I applied for two positions...the one I would prefer is the maintenance position. I'd like to learn more about the equipment they use and about electrical work more. they want five years experience which i don't have but i still applied. I was the first one to apply for the job so i sent a message to the contact if they don't have any other applicants that they won't be disappointed having me as a team member. I gave them my construction boss's number as a refferal. I really loved that about the tourist town in Colorado. they just needed help so it didn't matter i didn't have experience. Once i started working they started to understand how quickly i pick things up so usually they don't want me to leave... but i've got high standards... lol... it's hard for me to work for bosses who are low consciousness. It just doesn't seem worth my time and energy anymore. It was really apparent when I returned last summer from my transformation in Peru. I know I'm learning so many varied skills because i got a big vision of my own. Since my messages though it seems like there maybe a different way that i wasn't aware could be achieved... but anyway... i'm passionate to follow my spirituality... so i'll see where that leads me. So those are things that came up today to mention and elaborate on to give you more of a picture of what's going on in my life. (I thinks it's time to get back to my recollections of my childhood) So I took a look and I was talking about my grandmother. She was the glue to our family. When she was around our family would get together regularly every Sunday and holidays. I was one of the younger grandchildren of 11 at the time. Every Sunday we cousins would run around and play outside and hangout. It was really fun for the most part. I had mentioned I had an older cousin who treated me inappropriately not long after I arrived to Indiana. But again by then I saw everyone was family and I can trust them. I can't remember when it first happened I just remember it was something I had to deal with. Again I didn't tell anyone it was going on... looking back i couldn't understand why i didn't... but i was young and didn't know i was supposed to say anything. But since I had that experience with my mom's side I was better aware that I didn't like that type of attention. So I said all the cousins would be playing together.... there was usually 11 crazy kids from 5-18 years old. So it could be chaotic at times... so nobody seemed to notice when he would grab me and hold me... it was right in front of everyone. He didn't take me to anywhere private... it was right under everyone's nose. Our grandparents had a pool we would all play in and that was a location he found it easy to do this. I'd be playing and then he would get behind me and grab me and when i tried to get away he would hold me i felt so helpless... he would always go down my pants to rub me around my butt and the crack area... I'd try to resist and eventually i'd be able to get away because he didn't want to get caught. There were times when we would all be watching movies together. Everytime a blanket was involved no matter where it was again i'd find him behind me holding and restraining me when i tried to get away. Again it wasn't as if i knew he was getting any pleasure in doing this to me... i just knew i didn't want him to be doing it and it was the restraint that i hated... i felt so powerless... i also didn't know why they chose to do this to me... what was i doing wrong? There was a time when we were at one of my aunts and we were all watching a video with a blanket and he was doing what he wanted to do with me... this time another aunt caught him but she didn't say anything right away. I'm not sure how it went down but I was still living with my grandparents and they approached me about it. I was so scared and embarrassed I remember running and hiding under a shelves... i didn't want to get out from underneath. i thought they all hated me and was so disappointed in me because i didn't say anything. I don't remember anything else being said after that. I don't remember any of the family even my dad mention anything about it. All i know is that it stopped and I knew that i was so thankful someone finally caught him. But I still had to see him every Sunday. I didn't know what to do and everyone went on as if nothing happened so... i figured it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought it was. I remember feeling bad at how I was acting with his brother. His brother was an affectionate cousin but he wasn't trying to be sexual with anyone... anytime he would want to hold me I'd run off his lap immediately... he never tried to stop me and restrain me. He just wanted to love on me just like most of the other older cousins. the girls i didn't have a problem with letting them love on me. I didn't want to act that way to him, but I couldn't help myself... it was hard for me to differentiate him from his brother. I learned to be able to be comfortable in his presence. But it never left from the back of my mind. I remember once i started to get into middle school and started to connect how society saw those types of situations... child molestation issues. I started getting friends and found a few that had gone through similar situations... I really started to get angry and upset. At that time I was wanting to start to have boyfriends but I couldn't trust them in an intimate manner... i mean back then just holding hands and a little kiss or two. It wasn't like i was afraid of guys...far from it. i was a tomboy and most of my friends were guys... but when the first boys started asking me to be their girlfriend.. it was challenging. A part of me wanted to and another part of me felt like it was all wrong. I knew that part of me that thought it was wrong wasn't healthy even at that time. I was a normal teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions and i remember talking to my brother and dad about my memories of the cousin's doing those things to me and how i think it's affecting me with my relationships. I remember my brother was crying with me but he didn't know what to do but he was angry about it. I remember my dad was upset but it was as if he didn't believe me though either. That got me more upset because I've never wanted to lie to my dad... he's always made me feel like i could talk to him about anything... no matter what i talked about i knew he would still love me. But that moment of hesitation he had struck deep into me. They knew i was struggling but they didn't know how to help me so i knew i'd have to figure out a way on my own. I remember even back then realizing that they didn't know any better. They were probably going through so much and they didn't know how to treat me properly. What I ended up coming up with was my looks. I'm mixed so I don't look all caucasian and i don't look fully samoan either. I thought maybe when they looked at me they could really feel like i was there family because i looked so different from their family. I was trying to reason out that i don't have to hate them. i wanted to forgive them. But what i think i missed was forgiving myself for not knowing what to do in those situations. For not saying anything. Now that I look back at it... I didn't say anything because for me at the times they were happening didn't feel traumatic. It wasn't something i couldn't manage myself. It was when we were caught and other people knew about it was it traumatizing. And once i knew that society knows it's a problem yet most of the time it's not reported... or it's just an act that it didn't happen at all. I realize it's just where the collective consciousness has developed too... I know the collective continues to mature and learn healthier ways. Another residual affect from this happened later in my school days... i can't remember if i read it in high school or college, but i read an article about the victims of child molestation that they are more likely to molest other children. When I read this... it terrified me! I love kids and after that article I was terrified that I would be a person capable of doing that to a child. I would never imagine doing that and i had no desire, but since i read it in an article and it seemed like scientific research... i thought it was telling me that i'm going to grow into that. There was a boyfriend I dated who read something similar. He had the same fear too. He was molested as a child and since he was a victim he'll probably do it to another. I know no there's no way I'll do that to a child. I've healed and raised my consciousness enough to know I have no desire to do that with a child. But I remember the time when I was doubting myself, because I thought authorities' opinions were more valid then my own. (Let's take another puff or two... that wasn't that bad to purge out... it's getting easier... i'm not as hesitant or anxious... there are still some areas I know i'm not ready to reveal but I'm gaining more confidence that it's going to get easier the more i do this. I wonder if it's time to continue the editing of the messages I want to express. I've done quite a bit of purging so maybe that's allowed me to open up to feel my way through the message again. I'll go ahead and copy and paste from the last editing session.) (alright i had to use the restroom... i think i'm going to switch up the music now. There's a song i use in my bufo ceremonies that i love and i think it might help me connect deeper with myself. Let's give it a go. Ok the artist is Mose and the song is called, Medicine Women Continuous Mix Enjoy!) There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Can the collective consciousness purge together? (I am and others we can... but together? (if we are conscious, we can... but it's not now) Are we willing to do the work? (I am now but it took my consciousness time to be ready... we will when we are ready) (when will we be ready?) After purification? T Infinite possibilities are capable to manifest (it's already manifesting, but can we be more conscious to create more conscious of the manifestations) but when the collective is trapped by their beautiful chaos what direction are they steering towards? (unconscious manifestations) Or maybe it's not where that I'm concerned about... perfection is what we are and where we are, but we don't see it that way. (why? unconscious development) How long will we be trapped? (as long as we don't know we can develop consciousness deliberately) Are we willing to pay the price of conscious building so the rewards of bounty flourishes our lives? (this price will be paid by the willing if they we believe there are rewards... how can they we believe? doing the work will eliminate belief and then they know) Does it really have to take long? (personally it might have felt long, but four years isn't long) With focus I've found it doesn't have to take long. Can the collective share a same focus? (This is tricky easy to answer... the shared focus would be to increase their consciousness, but each individual has to find their own way to awaken their unique gifts they can share with the collective... that's what is tricky. it's only tricky because they think someone else will tell them how they will learn best, but only they know. they have to have the confidence to find their own answers) I want to believe... I know it's happening but can it happen now? (right now in my direct experience it is not happening.) Are we ready? (That is the question for the collective... are we ready?) and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. (very good! i love these sessions today... so worth it... thank you!) (I'm still in progress of finding a polished message... still have more work to do and i'm looking forward to it)

Alright I'd like to go ahead and suggest another (Dad needed help looking for a red water noodle thingy... he's working on a project which I'll talk about, but I want to help him look and I'm not sure where he put it.) Ok... I'd like to suggest another song possibly... I had listened to another song and artist by chance and I'd like to go ahead and share. This time it's Santsang, the artist and the song I heard that drew me to look at the information was "I am". I want to suggest a playlist though so here it is with this song as the second. Enjoy! I realize that I'm going to be sharing everything and it's getting a little less stressful for me. (Dad wanted another glue stick... lol) I've mentioned that I was ashamed.... maybe it was actually from the failed post attempt.. Ok I felt embarrassment and ashamed of my past. I'm at a point where I'm going to release and purge this from my system. It's a technique I'm going to use for spiritual purification. I don't want to hold this in anymore... it doesn't serve me anymore. I'm different from the person I was just yesterday. I'm.. My consciousness is more and I'm ready to just let it out. I'll continue to admit I don't know where or how I'm going to do this but I'm not going to overthink it.. well try my best to. why was i embarrassed? ashamed? well I wasn't conscious as much as i am right now. I didn't know I was being conditioned to the ideas of what others thought was best. I looked to others opinions before i gain confidence to trust myself. I didn't know about spirituality... I can go on, but it'll come out.. I want it to get out. (wheeww... ok I grabbed my corn cob pipe and packed it... i'm loosing up my muscles in my neck, shoulders, and my back... there's tension because I'm still trying to really prepare myself to open up... i know you might be thinking... she smokes? yes I'm a smoker and at this moment it helps ground me when i'm anxious... I know there's things i'm questioning whether i can release some things but can i release everything ther's certain areas in my life i just don't know if i'm ready to let go... but i know i'm accepting the challenge... i will give myself to allow the timing that works for me... i'll release what i feel is ready to be released and the more i see how i feel from this release then I'll see if i'm ready to release everything eventually) So I was trying to express why i was embarrassed and ashamed of my past, right? well... i'm so hesitant because I still carry that now. I'm going to (shaking my head and slow breathes... this is not easy for me... ) (Dad's wondering if I placed the gas can somewhere... he's looking for it and he can't find it... lol) so... how do I tell others about this... am i just making it a bigger deal than it really is? I'm sure i am... everyone has their own stories and so fuck it... here's my story... society would label me and my dad as the status of poverty. Some may not understand what that means and some may... but maybe we don't have the same definition. so why do I use the word poverty? We don't have money in the amounts that society thinks people would have to have a fullfilling life. But how fulfilling is my life? I'm enlivened right now... I'm so grateful from all the shit i had to go through because it's led me to where I am now... everything has lead to this moment right now I'm expreincing. What am i going to choose to do with it? So.. I don't have a job right now... my job right now is to focus on understanding who i am now and what i want to create for my future. So freedom has been a value i've been working to create. I don't want to spend my energies where i don't want to. Because of the history of poverty it has allowed me to not attach too much materially... well I didn't feel like i had a choice, but i've got strength and intelligence that won't allow me to make excuses about money from stopping me accomplishing what i feel is important to me. I didn't realize my spirituality was what i was looking for, but i know it's paramount in my life... so let's take it as far back as i remember... well also the memories of my family who recall their memories of what happened during my birth and growing up... I was born close to a military base in North Carolina. I guess it's called Laurenburg but I have no memory of this location. My memories started when I was living on the island of American Samoa. This is where I started to walk and talk... so technically the Samoan language was my first language but I hardly know any of it now and i'd like to learn more eventually. My moms memories recall that once i started walking i walked right out of the door looking to explore... i wasn't afraid to leave her side. She said that I was a wild and dirty child... they would have White Sunday services at the church where everyone dresses in white... she would be afraid to take her eyes off me because if she did my white would end up covered in dirt. My brother has a memory of me when he came to pick me up and return to the mainland. So at this time I hear my dad and mom couldn't find a place for themselves in their home locations... my mom didn't feel comfortable in Indiana and missed her family and the way her culture lived was drastically different then how my dads family and culture lived. My dad went to live in Samoa and he was trying to build a hotel and create a lift like a ski lift that took travelers from the peak of the mountain of American Samoa and they would hover over the rainforest to finish in the village of Vatia. That's where my family is from... I say it's the village at the very end of the road settle right beside the rainforest. It's right along the beach. My parents decided they were going to get a divorce. It wasn't really because they were angry with each other... I haven't really heard any negative comments about my mom from my dad... lol.. he did say that i was a miracle baby though. because he was still in the military and mom decided to go back to samoa they didn't have much time together. And when they were together i guess he was having problems with my mom being intimate sexually with him... I guess they decided to sexually share one time on his visit to her and that one time was when i was conceived. (lol... so i took a few more puffs... loosening up a little more i'm getting more comfortable. my dad said he found the gas tank he's removing the glue he had on his hands. I told him that im just going to go all out on this journal and i asked if it's ok if I mention him... because unfortunately for him i'm his daughter who has found this as a purification process... i asked him if he minds... His response was a short break and said well i dont know why it would be a problem for him. he might just have to be more aware of what he says to me. We laughed and i said maybe when i'm at the journaling session.. lol) When I was born i guess my mother's dad chose my middle name... Sinai'taaga... this is a family name in our village that represents kind of like a princess title... I don't know a lot of the history of Samoan culture but I guess since my grandfather is the chief he decides who becomes the princess. Our family can be said we care and support the members of the village and he was going to show me how to do that. I've seen pictures and videos where i'm holding his hand everywhere he went. he didn't care what i looked like... i guess i mostly like to run around with a dirty tshirt and no pants with sand caked in my hair... lol thats what my brother's story said too.. he's three years older than me and my dad sent my dad to pick me up so we can return to indiana. my dad got custody of us. He knew my mom would like to have her time with us before we had to go. He's very relaxed and so he didn't give her a time period... whatever she needed. I didn't even realize that was going on. I didn't know when I left that I wasn't going to be seeing my mom again... at least for many years. My brother said that mom took him to meet a little girl... I come running up with again my usual get up a dirty oversized tshirt with no pants and sand caked into my hair... he said i started speaking gibberish (Samoan) and since he didn't respond this crazy little girl just turned around and ran to climb up the trees and play. Mom told my brother... that's your sister... my brother's response was... That thing is my sister? lol... that's his first memory of me when we were in Samoa. I'm not sure if he remembers anything about when i was an infant. but my first memory of my brother wasn't so funny. I remember I woke up from a nap and I looked out the window and I saw my mom holding my brother's hand and they were walking away. I ran to open the door and it was locked. i couldn't get it open... I remember banging on the window crying to get there attention so they can come and get me so I wasn't left alone. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep again from exhaustion of crying. I have some brief memories playing with my brother and my cousins. I remember there was like a Heman and a skull castle thing maybe... lol... I think maybe even thunder cats too... i can't remember but i remember having fun times. I remember my grandmother too... i remember playing with her hair... i remember i didn't know what i was doing but i was trying to teach myself how to braid and i made up a french braid but it's not the same process i now do. I also remember heating up water to place into barrels to take a bath with her... I feel bad because i don't have many memories from back then. I feel what i do really remember and what i carried with me was the bad times... i know i'm looking at these situations differently so I want to purge them out but while i'm doing this i want to tell people to not hate anyone who had done this to me. they didn't know any better... if they did they wouldn't have done it. And I've been learning how to release my anger towards them. Don't hold anything inside you... it wasn't your story... it's mine and i'm ready to purge it out of my system. I'll get to the main one but I'll start off with little ones to gain my confidence to express myself freely. Just because I remember the bad memories doesn't mean these people are bad people. I just went through trauma and so i was absorbed in the suffering I was in that I just kept looking for more trauma to confirm reasons why i should still hold this anger. I don't remember what I had done.. maybe i was cussing and my grandfather heard me. I remember him taking me to a couch and whipping me. I was in complete shock.. i couldn't believe i had done something so wrong that he would lift a hand to me in anger... i felt like i was so bad... i knew even then that i respected his opinion of me... and he's never reacted that way towards me before and when it happened a little piece of my felt like i was broken. There was another memory that involved my brother and a cow. So it was kind of like I had a pet cow... at least i'd go and visit it and i'd pet it. I didn't have a concept of why the cow was in a pen. I remember a pen of wild boars as well but it was the cow that i would go and visit... maybe because it has such a calm demeanor and allowed me to touch and pet him. Anyway my brother had came one time and the cow tried to chew his clothes and i was laughing at him. One day I remember my brother ran to me and started laughing.. I wasn't sure why but he led me to a tree and he pointed up into the branches. I wasn't even sure what i was looking at... I kept looking and finally i realized that it was the skin of the cow drying out on the tree. maybe i saw the spots i don't know but it clicked for me. the cow was killed and somehow i started to understand that the cow was there to be food for the village. I remember refusing to eat meat for weeks after that. I wasn't going to eat my friend... at that moment it didn't click that all the animals there was for food, but since i didn't have any emotional attachments to them I didn't care if i ate them or not. but this cow... i didn't want to eat. Another memory was when i was with my favorite older cousin and we were playing in the rocks and she accidentally through a larger rock and it hit my head. I think it might've been the first time i saw my own blood... i didn't really know what to do... she grabbed me and took me to a family member and they started to help clean out the wound... I'm not sure if I cried then, but i knew i was getting scared by observing their reactions. This isn't a memory that was bad but i just remembered it. I was walking with my mom along the beach or even along the rock where there were pools of water. I saw her snatch up a fish with her hands and bit it to kill it to eat later... she was a bad ass. And I also remember one of my uncles coming back from a fishing trip on a surfboard or a small boat.. I can't remember i just remember him coming out of the water walking to the beach dragging a shark... at least that's what i thought it was. I also remember getting candy and chips in the little grocery store my mom and grandpa was running. I also remember this guy... this bald headed guy who was really friendly with my mom and my mom would say it's her friend. I would call him "ulupo'o" bald head. In fact that was one of the only words i had remembered when i returned to indiana and i would recall words i remembered of the language. I knew this guy was more then just a friend... he would be taking my mom on dates and i would be there with them at times... I knew i didn't like what i was feeling when i was around them together. it felt wrong to me... but i couldn't really understand why... again i didn't know my mom and dad were getting a divorced. my brother probably knew but i didn't know so maybe that's why i intuitively knew i didn't like how friendly they were together. (took a few more puffs... stretching my legs too and popping my ankles... i feel a lot better now... i'm ready to just go for it and i don't know how i'm going to process this but i want to be vulnerable and open... this is working) So there was a situation I was involved with while i was in Samoa that might have affected me the most. I had a uncle who was inappropriate with me. I think he's actually my cousin but i looked at him as if he was an uncle because he was so much older than me. I remember I would love to eat rice with milk and coco... I would lie down on my stomach and watch a little tv while i ate. It was almost like a routine of mine... maybe that's why he knew that i would be there when he decided to pull my panties down as i was laying there. I can't even remember struggling or yelling or crying or wanting to run... it was as if i didn't really know why he was doing it. I trusted my family... all of them i thought... i remember turning my head to see what he was doing but i didn't know and so i ended up watching the television again... i heard a sound it was like a spitting noise and i felt that he spit on my bare butt... and then i felt something rubbing the moisture up and down my crack... i looked back again and i saw he was straddling me on his knees with his pants off. he had his penis on my butt and was rubbing it on me. I don't really know if i understood that it was a penis. i don't even know if i realized it was giving him sexual pleasure to be doing this to me. I don't know if i knew what i was feeling when he was doing it to me. I think i just literally just turned back to watch the television. (dad's looking for the broom... had to grab it for him) I remember it wasn't a one time thing... he would do it multiple times. and it also became like a routine for me too. I'm not sure what happened but I didn't want it to continue anymore. When he tried to pull my panties down i stood up to put my panties back up and I just left. I don't remember him getting mad at me or even running after me. From that moment I just didn't do my routine anymore. I didn't eat my coco rice in front of the tv in that room anymore. This use to haunt me but now that I'm recalling it at my current consciousness I can recontextualize it differently then I use to. I know I didn't tell anyone about what happened. And when I left Samoa to return to my dad... I don't think it affected me that much... it wasn't until I had an inappropriate experience with another older cousin. When I was flying back with my brother I knew it was only us two flying together without any parents and so I feel like i remember the flight attendants being extra nice to us. I'm not sure if this was the only reason but at least one reason why my mom allowed my brother and i return to my dad. (I'm going to take a break so I can help my dad outside real quick. My dad has his own beautifully chaotic mind he's living in and I'm apart of that while I'm here... lol he's got a large project he's been working on... I helped him setup his pool. Starting to feel like Spring here so we're both ready to stop resting and be a bit more active. There's rain expected early in the morning so he wants to collect as much as he can. Early we had to repair the large water tank that has a crack in it. He's been patching it up but it busted before winter and so it would only fill up half way. We don't have running water here and so he's been collecting water outside and has another tank upstairs which gravity helps to feed to the kitchen and the bathroom. He's got all the pumps going but again there's usually something going wrong and so we had to stop using the pumps through the winter because i think a leak in the hose first and then a leak in the attachment... lol... you're going to find out I can be pretty handy but I don't necessarily know the names of everything... i just get it done. and we can be pretty inventive on how we can accomplish things because going out and purchasing the "proper" equipment isn't in our cards, yet. I'll take a few more puffs... but I think I'm well grounded right now... this might be more of a habitual use of the pipe, but i'm more aware of this now) So while I was in Samoa I had like allergic reaction to bug bites on my legs. I believe they were sand fleas... I like to get dirty so I didn't see it as a problem. Maybe they started to get infected. I know my mom mentioned they couldn't find any treatment on the island to heal my legs, so she thought there would be better medication on the mainland. I have memories of one of my dad's sisters pealing off my socks from my legs. To me it looked like part of my skin was sticking to the socks... she would have tears in her eyes, but i don't remember crying over it. There's were several sessions but I don't remember how long it took for the infection to go away. I just had scars on my legs that took what seemed like forever to me to finally get to a point where they weren't as noticeable anymore. Lol.. I just experienced it again the last time I was in Peru. I won't get into it now but those familiar scars are back. Again it feels like it will take forever for them to be less visible, but i've been through this before... after time... they'll fade. My uncomfortableness of not feeling beautiful as much will fade with it. Any way... my first memory of entering into my dad's family was walking in the front door of my grandparents' home. Again I don't think I really knew what was going on... i was being ushered through the kitchen where there were cousins sitting along the counter and they were patting my head as i was passing by. They took me to this gentleman who was sitting on an orange tufted chair. They placed me on his lap and I just remember looking at him... he had a little curl to the front of his bangs. He had a split mustache. he wore a sweater vest and he was smoking his green pipe. I didn't know who he was at the time, but damn this man is pretty cool. I finally figured out this was my grandpa. You have to remember I didn't know the English language when I first arrived. So most of my indications of communications was nonverbal. I don't remember if I already new how to speak English when I started kindergarten or it really started to click into place the new language i was learning. It didn't feel like i was having any issues understanding. I was a fairly good student... Any way... That green pipe was a symbol for me. i was one of my grandparents' hospice nurses you might say. when I was my grandpa's I actually was pretty much living with him while we was preparing to pass. i'm sure I'll get to that later, but the cousin's let me have the first pick of grandpa's items to have... I chose his green pipe... lol... some cousin's werer bummed out about it but he had several other cool pipes to choose from as well. I still have that pipe but I don't use it as much. I was given a free corn cob pipe at a pipe shop because of how much business i was giving them. It's a lot easier to clean and it holds more tobacco. We were living with our grandparents at first. I can remember waking up early with my dad... he would be doing push ups and situps before he would take his morning run. I'd try to do it with him minus the runs. I remember spending a lot of time with my grandma. Oh by the way I was my grandma's 50th birthday gift. I was born on her birthday so i got to share all my birthdays with her until she passed. I remember how i felt when i looked at my cake and I didn't see my grandma's name along with mine... it just didn't seem right. She used to make the best cherry pies. I would well all the grand kids would help her collect the cherries from the tree and she'd do her magic and I loved them. After awhile I believe once I started living on my own I ate a cherry pie for my birthday instead of cake. I wanted to share our birthdays together still. Now I'm watching more of how i eat and what I eat... I don't do much of a dessert for my birthdays... i've been trying to travel and celebrate my travels with her... she always wanted to travel... maybe I can live a life she was hoping to do for herself. (i'm going to take a break to watch a few shows with my pops.... he wants to check things on his computer too... lol) Actually I'll go ahead and post this... but I don't think i'm finished for today... I'll be back probably when my dad goes to bed. (I don't have anything polished yet, but it's going to take a while... and i'm ok with that)

CHAOTIC RAMBLINGS IMPRESSIONS OF CHAOS Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. Another thing I noticed so far with my writing... i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. i definitely like it more for the public to read compared to this style of free flow. So this is a good point to give a try to edit the material and then have a polished piece afterwards. I'll try a different approach. I'll leave my ramblings. I'll copy and paste it and then I'll start editing. EDITING PROCESS hmm... what's the approach to edit this down. I know it's not in the appropriate order. I know most of this is going to be removed. Maybe I can show what's going to be removed. I want to go ahead and clarify how i'm giong to focus on topics and work my way towards my spiritual journey with Aya. How do I visually show the changes of movement? Alright... I've been trying to figure out how to move forward. I know I can find a solution but I've got to willing to try different things out. I have five areas I want to be distinguished in the Journal. I want to figure out how I can express my thoughts directed toward the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I'm used to creating a visual difference so I thought maybe I could use another program with colored boxes or using highlights in different colors. I do not have the option to attach a file on this forum. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. After I After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This is how I'm used to working with my personal journals. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I noticed that when I didn't allow myself this opportunity it just didn't feel like i could get into the state i'm used to getting at. So i know i was going to adjust. Really I"m wanting to figure out where I want to focus my attention too. I originally thought I'd share personal experiences of my consious building journey especially focusing on my Aya ceremonies, the messages I've received, how it motivates me to make the changes to embody the lessons. I feel it would be very interesting to tell that process, but I've been thinking that maybe i should just use the situations I'm facing currently. That has a lot of opportunity. Since i began the forum i've noticed my self talk with the communications I've been engaged with. I'm living back at with my dad and so our interactions can be noted. my father actually is the shiest guy i know and it's hard for him to talk to people. He's pretty good with me, but I know this about him so I know I have to ask questions and help guide him to communicate more and give you more information to understand what he's trying to say. I'm living back in my adolescent home after living away for 20 years.. I could even discuss my relationship with my litte buddy Elvis. he's my cat who travels around with me. I've been trying to allow more social opportunities so i can also talk about that. Once I get a better idea of how to communicate clearer then maybe that's when I can go into the my Spiritual journey with Aya. So I had some good material and a good start from my first post so i'm copied and pasted so I can work with that context as well Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. So what's the sequence of the story? A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) I had to take a break. I felt like I was stuck and I was definitely distracted. Again I mentioned I returned to my dad's and it's easier for me to use his computer to use the keyboard to type out on the forum. His computer is in the room where he is mostly occupying majority of the time. He's set it up where the computer has two large screen tv's all clustered together. He's accustomed to watch three things at a time. I sit here to try to concentrate and it's very distracting. I haven't had a television for about eight years now... I am reminded how much time I can waste by watching television. My dad and I usually have our own space it's like we've split the house up where I have a bedroom and studio while my dad has his lounge area and bedroom. Also I feel like I want to discuss everything's going on at this time. I feel like there's a generational conditioning that's been very apparent in my awareness right now. I believe I mentioned he has his tendencies to be a hoarder and I've had these tendencies as well. I've been reducing my items especially when I left my home state five years ago. I was living in a home and I gave away most of my items, gave away my car, and moved into a little mountain village outside of the Rockies in Colorado. But there were those items that I just couldn't let go of so I end up bringing them back to my dad's. When I first arrived here I had taken my tubs from the garage and brought them in to go through I went through a big purge, but there's still items I know I don't want anymore so I feel like there's another purge right around the corner. I already have two tub fulls that are going to get donated. It's spring cleaning time. While I've been here I had to clear out a ton of items of my dads that just didn't get thrown away. I can't explain how many cardboard boxes he had held onto, plastic bottles, glass bottles, foam, etc. I couldn't just throw them away anymore... I want to be more conscious with trash so i started donating. I took him with me a few times to show him how easy it is. The recycling center in my hometown you just drive through. You don't have to get out of the car they do all the work. I have been designating tubs and boxes for sorting out the different materials that they accept. We had held off from recycling for most of the winter, but we have a shed where we can continue to store them and so on my break I went ahead and started getting those supplies gathered in my studio so I can take them tomorrow. We've got three days to take advantage of the center. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. I went to talk with a family member today... there's three of us who seem to be the family therapists per say. We don't have any degrees or anything. We just have more conscious awareness on our mental health. There's a second cousin whos been struggling for years now. And it's apparent to see the generational slow progression. My father's sister, in my opinion isn't developed in her mental awareness. I'm going to make a general statement but in our family in their age group... didn't express their feelings. They kept them inside and if somethiing was upsetting to them there wasn't a thought about getting help. It was more likely to ignore it. My aunt had three children. One of her daughters is having issues with her daughter. Now my cousin she's getting to see that her mental conditioning is not were she wants it to be. I'm not certain if this is because of the difficulties she's having with her daughter that it's more of a focal of her attention. She's know looking to get therapy to help her... shes' s in the late 40s-early 50s age group. Her daughter who my cousin wanted to talk to me about is in her late 20s. She wants the three of us to talk to her because her mom and her grandmother feel like they've reached their limit of being successful in guiding and assisting my second daughter. Now she's been conditioned by at least two generations of unhealthy mental awareness. Briefly she's got a lot going on but I'll just focus on one area of focus. She's now hitting herself when she's upset. She also suicidal. Another unfortunate piece to this... is she has a 3-4 year old son. Now he's watched his mom hitting herself as a coping habit... and they now see he's starting to do the same thing. Now we haven't gotten all the details but we were throwing around ideas. There was mention that our cousin wants the father to gain full custody of the child and i completely agree. She's not in a state to creat habits that's going to be healthy for the child. The father is still close to the family, so I feel like there might be opportunities for her to visit with him, but highly reduce the time she can spend. She's at the point of her life where she's not thinking about the future... she's going to think it's the end of the world if we support this. Generally maybe if we give her at least two years of detoxing and mental health therapy... she will be in a far better mental state to increase her time with her son, theoritical... we actually have no clue what that time line will be... it could be soon and it could be later... it depends on how conscious her helpers are whether it gets dragged out or not. But also the desire or willingness for her to want to change to help better herself which ultimately will translate with everyone around her including her son. We would assume she would be more aware that mental health issues is something to get help with if you aren't able to do it for yourself. So if we can get her into a type of therapy at her age. The son has already began his conditioning too, but if we can remove the toxic behaviors soon then later the more likely he can heal sooner then his mother. the longer she waits... the longer and more work will be needed to be applied for her son. We have a tentative plan to meet on Sunday. I asked what the setting was going to be... what will promote us to give her a safe family setting where she's not being attacked. Opportunity to do something all together, but also allow moments of one on one conversation... hopefully she might be comfortable with at least one of us to open up and express her feelings in a nonviolent manner. I've also spoke with a very close friend of mine earlier. I've been telling her about my experience with the forum and I had sent her information about possibly using the journal part of the forum. She had already mentioned a week ago that she wants to start a journal but she's never done one before. I told her just purge out her feelings and thoughts without caring or judging what she's writing. She said everytime she opens the journal her mind goes blank. She started her first sentence with exactly that statement. I said that's a great start. She said she also started writing affirmations. We worked on that a few years ago, but i told her that a journal could be just a place to purge. It doesn't have to be anything too structured. she's been dealing with an unhealthy relationship for over 10 years. Back and forth, back and forth... she know she's more conscious then he is, but she still cares and wants to hellp him. The last video Leo had posted was about gaslighting. Now I hadn't heard about gaslighting until my friend mentioned it years ago when she suspected he was doing that to her. So when I saw the word gaslighting I automatically thought of her. I started listening to first half of the video and I messaged her if she would be interested in possibly listening to the video. She accepted. She's starting to get to the point where she wants to take a more conscious effort in her self-development that's why I've been giving her possible ways to help her get process as she's going through everything. She's about to possibly go all-in with him, she's possibly going to switch up jobs, and she's possibly going to start a journal habit... she's has a full-time job with a house and yard to take care of and three dogs. It doesn't matter how much is on her plate I trust she's going to figure out what's going to work for her now. She's been gaining her confidence and she's looking to make some big changes. I want to support her as much as I can... but in truth I know she has to go through this process for herself so she can learn how to overcome the obstacles in her life. Which brings me back to my life. I also have some obstacles that I know I can overcome... so I know when you're working on yourself you're not just working on one topic and everything gets paused so you can deal with that one thing and then move onto the next and so on... it's all happening at once. So I want to start documenting what I'm dealing with as I go through this process of chaos to clarity... When it comes to my little buddy, Elvis... we've been together for about seven years now. We've been through so much already. When I first met him he was my roommate's cat and he allowed Elvis to just stay in one room without really giving him any affection or attention. I had to go in daily to love on him for I don't know how many months... 4-6 maybe before I got him out of the room. He would walk into other rooms but he wouldn't walk in the middle of the room... he would always slink around the walls and furniture he was so timid. I had another cat I had brought with me so I was learning how to share my time with both of them... she was already spoiled so she'd get jealous at first. Anyway... back to now we're staying at my dad's place and during the winter we had a cat who found a way to sneak in and out of the house through the crawlspace... my dad had a project he was working on in his bedroom where he's making a hot tub situation underneathe his bed so he had pulled the floor and he's got a levitating floor that's been rigged up. He's creative but he's only living on social security and so he uses the supplies that he has around the house. We might go into details later I'm not sure... well I'm sure we will but now is not the time. We've been a poverty status... income wise for most of my life. We aren't scarce in many other attributes of life, but money scarcity happens to be one condition I've also gained from my father. Back to my little guy... this stray that found her way in is pretty aggressive and would intimidate Elvis. He reverted going back into the closet mostly afraid to be out and about because of her. So we made a barrier between my space and my dads. We thought we can help feed her and also get warmth and a little love through the winter. She's back outside now but then now there's a little black cat that also found his way in as well. By the way my dad is not a "cat person" he likes animals and all but he wouldn't choose to get a cat as a pet. But I know how cat's respond to him and laugh because in his case the cats choose him and love him regardless if he recipricates the love back. He's a good guy so he's letting happen... this new one is skin and bones... he's got a bad eye that I don't think can be fixed so I'm calling him one-eyed Jack. But he's very much a loner so he's not trying to have any involvement with Elvis. We've taken down the barrier so they can roam around but there mostly staying on their own sides. Elvis is struggling because I've been spending so much time on my dad's space to use the computer. I'm trying to encourage him to join me in this space, but he has the memory of the first cat and is afraid or hesitant still... I can almost get him to come, but he chickens out. Traveling with Elvis has really helped me with my awareness of Fear and the balance of freedom. Maybe those stories will be brought too. Ok I feel better now... I had those thoughts in my head and now my dad's gone to bed... there's silence and my mind's more silent so I can now try to re-focus on editing the paragraphs I had earlier to create a concise entry of what my Journal will be and how it's going to be directed... for now... lol So where was I... I asked myself So what's the sequence of the story? I'll make a list of the areas i'd like to include and then see what order I'd like to use. Wait a minute let's listen to some music... lol I was listening to this on the first day when I tried to post for the first time. Actually I hadn't heard this song or artist before. This song was playing when I was gaining a huge insight and validation of where I am Spiritually... I was moved to tears at the time and it was the combination of the purge I was going through that was exremely deep for me and then in the background this song was playing... I figured I'd go ahead and share in case any of you are interested. I love music but I'm more of a random playlist person. So the artist is Nahko Bear (Medicine for the People) the song is Aloha Ke Akua Enjoy! A) Communication... how to be concise with my communications with the collective B) How is the format of the process of learning how to go from chaotic to clarity C) What I'm going to focus my topics on (daily life, address the programming I've gained, and lead to share my beginning of conscious spiritual journey (self-mastery) D) Insights (personal) as I go through this process Actually that brings up the fact there were two insights I gained that wasn't recorded because the failure to post. These insights helped me understand where I was trying to express in this Journal. I was journaling and purging it made it clear that 1) Other's don't understand me clearly, because of my chaotic style of my mind (That's how I go the title of my Journal... Chaos to Clarity... and then Leo suggested to make the title sexy so I thought I would add... Exposing Myself... because I don't want to hold anything back. The more honest i am with myself the deeper the rewards of this process.) The other insight 2) I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. That's why I'm going to have to wait to tell about my spiritual journal. I know I'm labeling it so it may seem like i'm not talking about spiritual work right now... but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. Here's a few sentences I found when I was going through my draft that I thought would be good for the introduction paragraph. but I've got to willing to try different things out. After the first post I noticed that I like it when I don't care about the edits when I'm just getting my thoughts out. This style where I can just ramble and let it go wherever it wants really helps me purge my thoughts. I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. As I was searching I noticed I was looking for content that wasn't there... so I'm going to go back through and check what I have written from the first post and also this post so far if I find anything else that would fit in this first group well... So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be. I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me. but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me. There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. Ok that's what I've found so let's start working with these inspirations to find the message I want to convey clearly. I know there was something I remember from the failed post... I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. I'm now going to copy and past in the order that might help guide me and also give a picture of how i'm trying to track down the "struggle" process of creating change in my life. Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here.but in my life spirituality is not seperate from anything i do... so all of this is spiritual work for me.I have something important my soul wants to express, but is unable to tell at this time because other's cannot understand me.I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge.That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price.but I've got to willing to try different things out.There's a lot I want to clean up in my life... so writing my Journal helps me see all the different areas where I'm chaotic and I want to be deliberate to clean it up. So I'm going to have to work with the parameters I have. i'm not liking the polished attempts because i feel like it loses my personality. It feels a lot more formal then I would like it to be.I was realizing I was trying to find my authentic style of communication especially in writing since that's what's going on with this Journal process. Alright I like how the editing process is going... this is where a lot of the work is and I wanted to show that as accurtely as I can. So I'm going to go back and free-flow to try to put clarification in this first paragraph. I believe if I can get as many opportunities to free-flow that might be a good way to fine my authentic voice... i don't know but i'm going to try it out I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand my I'm having deja'vu right now. It's like I've remembered I was going to be doing this. beautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Alright I think I can work with this... I'm starting to get a bit tired so i'll start editing and see how long it takes. But i'll be finishing up this post soon. Again I'm not in a hurry to get this done. I'm enjoying this and I know it will come out when it's ready... and when I'm ready... we'll be aligned then There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is speaking to me right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving massive growth and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. Wow! Ok... this is getting even more interesting... it's intense for me... I continued to repeat on being patient... So i'm going to go ahead and leave it like this. I've got goosebumps all over and I feel like there's a tenseness in my abdomen which seems to be affecting my whole body... I might have even stopped breathing... I need to relax! The last two nights I've been up until around 6 am... I've been noticing there are items in this room that's starting to slowly wave out energetically... it's even giving them an impression they are moving or something... lol I don't know how to explain it... I just am trying to express as openly as possibly can. (Again I didn't get to post anything polished yet... but damn clarification is coming)

I think I'm finding solutions or not... lol

Hello there! I'm new to this Forum and I'm wondering how to attach content. I've got an idea for my journal, and I want to download personal .pdf or .docx or even .jpg to insert into the thread. I see the insert other media button here. I understand insert image from URL and have been successful. Does that mean I cannot post images which aren't uploaded and published to the web already? I don't know how to use insert existing attachment. It says, "You do not have any existing attachments." How do I download attachments? Thanks in advance for the assistance.

@AndylizedAAY I don't have the choose files option available to me. I have placed a link that says Screenshot in blue in the above post before you posted. My area is empty. I'm not THAT illiterate with computers

@AndylizedAAY I didn't know either. Osaid gave me an example of code I could use without using the code button. I noticed he used [ ]. When I had learned a little code years maybe a decade ago I was used to seeing < >. I did a search and found the BBcode, and not I'm testing it out

@Osaid I'm looking at the BBcode for forums and I'm actually testing it out. This should link to the Screenshot I apologize just trying to figure out my limits in the forum.

@Osaid ‎ The computer isn't a year yet and the last modification of Chrome was Wednesday, ‎March ‎29, ‎2023, ‏‎7:23:09 PM It's ok... it would be easier to have the choose files options, but it's not going to stop me from trying other ideas. I'm trying to do something complex in my journal and I'm trying how to make it work... I will eventually. Even it's to not make it so complex.. lol

@Osaid Well.. I switched to chrome and it's still missing. Let me see if the code is working OK . Alrighty... that's working... that will give me the more options that I'm looking for... Thanks again!

@Osaid Ok... I am not using Google Chrome. It's Microsoft Edge... I'll see if that makes a difference. And just putting code directly instead of the code button is something I hadn't tried yet. Awesome! I'll check it out. Thanks!

@Osaid No I don't... that light gray box is mostly empty. I have the insert other media button on the right side only.

@Osaid First of all, Thank you for your help! I figured it would be a simple procedure, but I haven't been able to figure it out. hmmm... I don't see the blue underlined "choose files." I don't see it next to the "insert other media" button and I don't see it on the drop-down window of the "insert other media" button either. I've been looking for "choose files" or "upload" somewhere. I thought I figured it out... how to do it through URL but that didn't work either. I took a screen shot and placed into a Facebook album. I set the album as public and changed my profile as public. I pasted the URL, and it turns red. It doesn't allow me to do it. In fact, I was successful to insert two pieces of my art into a post using URL. My "insert existing attachment" is blank. Maybe there's something not working properly with my account? I don't know. If not, I'll learn how to work with the parameters I have. Thanks again! P.S. Do you have any knowledge of basic html? Or specifically how to use the "code" button. I tried to insert the capability to highlight sentences with different colors and was unsuccessful with that attempt too.

@Swarnim