withinUverse

Well well… here I am… so…. I’m seeing this a little differently now. I didn’t know where this was heading but I’m getting a better understanding. It’s almost like I set myself up in a way… lol… I was playing chess with myself and I’m trying to figure out if I should keep fighting myself, or just fall into a check mate situation… lol… If I keep fighting it’s just going to prolong the inevitable… I was playing the unconscious pawn just stumbling on to this game board, but I see how I lured myself into a situation that will get me to where I want to be, but I didn’t know that I knew… lol.. and being in check mate won’t be all that bad… lol So there are things I’ve been working on… I can be on the strict side but there are other areas where I’m lax. I’m still working on them but allowing my time to do so… I’m still going to in a way, but I know I’m going to be a little more on it now. How do I explain? Well… I know the more I love myself the more I love universally. It’s a bit crazy to try to walk myself through this… but I know I was scared to be my full potential, even though this is what drives me. At times I would even use the excuse that I don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable around me. But I thought I was going to be uncomfortable being around me. I thought if I had it all there would be so much change that I wouldn’t recognize myself. And I’ve been changing sooo much, but it’s to be more authentic. I don’t even recognize who I’m describing in my past sometimes… and again I want people to understand where I’ve been so they can apply these situations to themselves… it can be challenging to change, but sometimes there’s nothing going to stop you from creating change for yourself. So… here’s this autosexuality that I know will help me out… and I’ve known for many years and slowly I’ve tried to work on this but it was easy to make excuses of why not to have a focus in this situation. Autosexuality isn’t really all of it, but it’s a part of it. I started to think about how I would like to approach it. I started coming up with excuses only a few hours after saying it. I told myself well I don’t really feel sexy right now. I’ve been living without running water for six months… I want to be feeling so fresh and so clean. How would I want to date myself… lol… I’ve been doing it already but not in this way. Ok maybe I need to start again with the history and then bring it forward… I feel like I haven’t gotten myself into a flow state… So… I love my dad, but I’ve known since middle school his desire to have women. Now he wants a lover who wants to love him back, but at first I didn’t think this. I knew he would go to strip clubs and he would engage in watching pornography… which I hear is quite common.. lol… but when I knew this was going on I thought he only was interested in women because of their looks. He couldn’t tell their personalities from doing this. He took a dancer to vacation with him and I didn’t understand. I told him she was just manipulating you dad… you’re paying her to act like she enjoys your company. If she actually liked your company you wouldn’t have to pay for her… she’d just join you. This and I’m sure other things led me to not want to be attractive at first. I didn’t want guys to only be interested in my looks. I wanted them to get to know who I was. That’s probably why I didn’t like guys who were forward with their attraction with me before we even had a conversation… if you’re just looking for something to look at… there’s pornography… I’m more then that but if you don’t care to find out… move on then sir.. no thank you. I was young when I got into a long monogamous relationship. And I liked to be attractive then, but I wasn’t loving myself entirely. I would try to morph myself into what I thought my partner wanted from me. Now I’m not extreme when I’m saying this… but I knew I wasn’t being as authentic as I wanted to be… mainly because I was needy. I liked to get dressed up… it was fun to be a ballroom dance instructor because it was new and I felt pretty... I had to look nice and done up all the time I’m not used to that.. lol… i used to pick on my girlfriends on how long they took to get ready. I couldn’t relate and I hadn’t really had the desire to learn either. But when I became celibate I took it almost to the extreme. I was trying to repel men from me. I still wanted them to want to get to know me as a person, but that desire to not be looked at as a sexual partner was strong in me too. Honestly it wasn’t even a successful strategy, but it didn’t stop me from trying. Celibacy was a challenge because I had to have conversations to many men that i am not interested in a romantic relationship with them. I enjoy having friends and hanging out, but if they didn’t want that with me… then we aren’t going to be friends. I didn’t want to have these conversations. I was trying to figure out how to stop guys from hitting on me. But I still had to continue to get better at having those type of conversations. I’m not feeling it right now… I just want to rest… i guess I’m still in a battle and damn it i don’t want to be, but here i am. The conditioning to sabotage is still in play… i can be patient with myself… it’s going to get worked out.

Well… I said I was wanting to have a clean slate… and as I’m waking up today… my sexuality needs to be adjusted again. I’ve tried many ways from monogamy, polyamory, to celibacy, but I wasn’t as conscious when I was giving them a chance. I’m not sure what that next chapter is going to be, but I’m open to it… maybe what I’m looking for doesn’t have a label and that’s what I need right now. I just want to be more conscious whatever that looks like. As I’ve been here with my family I already knew I’ve been attached to my family’s approval and I know that’s not working for me anymore… lol… and I just realize I’ve been attached to my spiritual lover’s approval and I now know that’s not working for me either… lol. What I do know is it’s a beautiful day and I want to take a walk with my little buddy and see if he’s up to exploring our little park here. I’m sure I’ll be on later… we’ll see. Lol… well I went on a little vent with my pops and I can compare this to my diet. People want me to label what type of eater I am…. They ask me if I’m a vegetarian… I say no but most of the time it seems to be the case. But really I just want to eat whatever I feel like eating at the time… lol… I also realized that i thought I was the only one who wasn’t able to use the restroom properly but talking with my guests many were having similar issues. They’d ask me what to do and I could tell them what I’ve been doing but I don’t know what’s going to work for them specifically. All I know is if we are not regular expelling out our stool… it’s not healthy… so we’ve got to find out our own techniques to get that to be regular so it’s not staying stagnant in our system. So now I’m realizing that I’m working through sexual dsyfunction… and I know my guests are too… but i don’t have the right answers to know what’s going to work for them, but I can tell me journey of what’s been successful to me. Right now if I was to put a label on it… is I want to be on a more deliberate journey of autosexuality. Again I assume that I’m the only one who isn’t comfortable stimulating myself. I always made an excuse that I want a partner, but I don’t have a partner and I’m not interested in any type of partner… I want that partner to be me right now. Maybe I don’t want to assume I’m the only one who feels this way. Again I know my physical body does not have issues… it’s my mind that has the issue… and if I give it my attention I’m going to figure it out. In reality I don’t want to just want a physical orgasm, but I also want and emotional one, but I’ll start where I feel comfortable with… lol… So yeah my sexual orientation right now will be autosexuality mostly but I’m not going to be so strict on myself that if I feel like doing more then that I’m going to stop myself because I’m trying to defend my label… lol… alright… again I’m still making my way to the park

Well damn… lol… I tried to go to sleep and I’ve been laying here for three hours and my mind keeps on going on and on about this Journal. It’s how I feel when I get obsessed with a project… I’ve mentioned it before… it’s like I don’t want to sleep or eat… I just want to get what’s out of my mind out… this happens when I’m doing artwork, but also a lot of time when I’m writing my personal visions contemplation… also when I’m coming up with ideas of how to use abundance of money… there’s just times like this and I’m aware it happens and so I’m trying to not ignore it but also i feel like honoring myself… so trying to get a balance…. I think I’ve been doing relatively well… but yes it’s 5 am and I can’t help myself… When I first started I thought I was just going to be talking about the awakening but seriously there’s just so much more to it. The thing there was sooo much that happened to me during ceremonies this last time that there’s so much to process and these messages were very intense at least a large majority of them. I feel like it’s a purging technique but I also feel if I only purge then it’s going to put ceremonies in a bad light which I definitely not trying to promote. Ceremonies have been amazing for me and has changed my life in the best way… simply I would say they give me insights and inspiration… but the real work is to integrate and embody… this is what this Journal has been helping me with… and again I feel I need to like tell more of the great things that happens in ceremonies, but I also want to get on with the purging process. I know it’s been a little crazy… but it’s going to get straight up fucking crazy in your opinion… lol… and I just want to get it out because this is what I’m purging. I don’t want other’s opinions to stop me from what I’m guided to do… That’s the thing when I was going through these ceremonies I reached out to the people I trust most in my life and they were all worried and concerned with me. I didn’t want them to worry but I was looking to ground my experience and I didn’t realize they were not going to help me… I needed to find it for myself and I’m doing that in different ways but again this process is helping me. So yes there are many people I respect and I find value in their opinions, but to be completely honest there are three men that are at the top of the list. My dad, my brother, and my spiritual lover. All three of them thought I was going crazy. And honestly I thought I was going crazy too, but only because I know it’s unusual with the what my experiences were saying. In fact I had messages to get my story out because some of these messages are for the public and to get the attention of people who can help… I came up with lines even saying… “what if she’s crazy? But what if she’s tapping into something we don’t understand?” That’s the thing… I don’t mind being tested… I’m honestly extremely curious to see if these messages are guiding in a way that I hadn’t known existed. This is new for me so I know I’m going to make mistakes… but I’m not afraid to make mistakes anymore… they aren’t considered mistakes to me anymore. I’m definitely struggling right now because I want to purge but I also know that what I focus on will be what other’s focus on because I’m writing this damn Journal… lol… who really knows how consciousness works? I just briefly searched some topics here on the forum and something grabbed my attention about the Dalai Lama asking a boy to suck his tongue… and I didn’t read all the comments… I didn’t even watch the clip or whatever of him doing this… but someone was questioning if he’s even enlightened really… And I wonder how they know what it’s like to be enlightened? I know this process I’ve been through is what I would call enlightenment or awakening… but it wasn’t anything that I thought it was. You don’t automatically become this perfect person… in a human sense… what if it shows he has a human side to his enlightenment… maybe if he makes mistakes it might give people comfort to possibly think… if he still makes mistakes maybe I can still have a chance to enlighten as well. I don’t know how to explain it but we can really see how deep the conditioning goes and I know I’m trying very deliberately to purge it out of my system… but doesn’t mean that I’m going to go even deeper still… it’s not so black and white… people who haven’t reached enlightenment and then questioning someone who is… is kind of comical to me… we have these outrageous ideas of what enlightenment is… and believe me… I did too! I’m not immune to being unconscious. Of course I had no clue… until it happened and then you get a huge awakening that it’s not what we originally think it is. A lot of times I would say things that were similar but I wasn’t really deeply conscious of what I meant even though I thought I knew. I thought I knew what consciousness was, but not to the extent of what I know it now… lol.. and I’m pretty damn sure it will continue to deepen, but there does seem to be a threshold I passed through… There was also a comment about celibacy doesn’t work… and you know maybe it doesn’t…. But have we tried to be celibate? Believe me I didn’t know celibacy was going to be part of my path, but it hasn’t been the only path for me, but it has helped me in ways I didn’t realize until I did it. So yeah again I’ll have to mention balance. I completely agree that many religions are not comfortable with our human sexual side… and the more they ignore it the more dysfunction occurs. But the thing is the more dysfunction the more the collective wants to learn how to make the changes. And the tendency for the collective is to go completely the other way… the pendulum swings to hedonism. The pendulum continues to swing until if finds the balance… for me… having celibacy in my life helped me see there needed to be a balance. But again because I’ve had sexual experiences I don’t have pent-up energy and I don’t have shame of participating in sexual experiences. Well mostly not shame… lol… again I didn’t know I was shaming myself.. at the time but definitely I’d look back and shame myself because I wished I made more conscious decisions but I wasn’t conscious to make those decisions. Because I put myself in these situations I’m learning from them. I’m not sure if you feel like you’re here to learn but that’s what I see myself doing. Learning… learning is what I want to do while I’m experiencing this physical reality and I can find I’m learning far more then just the physical world. Learning… is what we are doing… so why are we shaming people? If they knew better they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. That’s the thing… I was shaming myself… If I’m doing it to myself then I can do it to others… vice versa… if I hear someone shaming someone, I know they are shaming themselves… because for some reason we don’t see them as myself and it’s easier to voice out the shame… the hard part is to look at our own shame… That’s what I’m doing here. I want to be the best healer I can be… so I’ve got to clean my shit up. I know if I’m not ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty of myself then I will better help heal others who are going through similar situations. Just like sexuality… we are living in a dysfunctional sexual societal… i want to heal this to help others heal too. If people see that I’m not afraid to tell my history… maybe they aren’t going to be afraid to tell their own history. If they’re afraid they don’t understand the degrees of consciousness or conditioning… they haven’t reached that threshold to walkthrough awakening or enlightenment. They would be conscious that they were not conscious enough to tell the story they want to create in their history before… it is not easy when you’re conscious of this… let alone when you’re unconscious of this. By the way enlightenment and awakening and learning is very unique… everyone doesn’t get the same messages in the same way… we aren’t even interpreting words the same in our own language. If exposing myself to how I hear infinite intelligence guiding me makes me sound crazy… then I’d rather be crazy then moping around sad, angry, and hopeless. If something is calling to me I want to go and explore it… not ignore it and be complacent. That’s just me… and I’m happy where I am… we live in a remarkably incredible world… I could list an infinite amount of words saying how awesome reality is and it still wouldn’t explain the truth of it. I’m the piece of art on the canvas I was painting then realized I was both… and what I’m doing now is taking over the paining from the canvas perspective and changing my surroundings that I thought I wasn’t creating but now I see is possible… and pretty soon I’ll step myself away from the canvas to explore more… where did I go who was painting? Well I decided I wanted to become the art so I figured out how to get into the canvas and play around the world I created. We haven’t scratched the surface of what’s possible… well I haven’t personally and for some reason I’d like others to join me on the adventure. There might have been some energy that was a little frustrating there… but sometimes I have to blurt it out… maybe someone needed a wake up call… because we want everyone to wake up… you might judge an action of the Dali Lama… but do we realize he’s been trying to wake up this world? He and others enlightened ones have tried and are trying to wake us up. I think we could be doing so much more than judging, shaming, embarrassing, and guilting one another… but we got to do it for ourselves to understand what I’m trying to say. At least see all these “negative” things that are happening is so we change them. It doesn’t have to exist as a negative anymore… stop repeating the cycle… if we’re satisfied with living the cycle… we can keep teaching others that this is where our focus should be. Keep teaching our children this too so the next generation continues to be conditioned because we can’t do it for ourselves. I feel like I’m falling into this because I know who I’m talking to… lol… when are we going to decide as a collective we don’t want to live that way anymore? Can we imagine that… can we dare to dream that? Why is dreaming for a different reality so scary or challenging? Let’s see who said “The only constant in life is change”… Heraclitus. And then Benjamin Franklin quoted, “Change is the only constant in life. Ones ability to adapt to those changes will determine your success in life.” This maybe true that we’ve got to adapt if the collective conscious is mostly unconscious… but if the collective conscious is making conscious change… adapting won’t be such a challenge. We are deliberately making choices to improve. Once we see it working in one area then we expand. Technically we have all the time in the world… so if we don’t want to take on the responsibility… eventually it’s going to happen but don’t we want to experience that in this chance we have now? I know I do and I’m going to try my best… not trying is not an option for me. Woooh… well I just needed to vent a little I think… because I’m frustrated I know it’s because I’m frustrated in myself. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am… and I’m deliberately calling myself out so I can get through this purging process. I’ve realized these interactions specifically sexual interactions since I’ve met and had messages of a spiritual lover has caused an effect on me. I was shaming myself because I thought I wasn’t being loyal or honoring him. And it’s not even the waking world him… it’s the spiritual him… the waking world him… wouldn’t give a shit probably… lol… well to be honest the spiritual him would actually understand… so pretty much there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but again… why did I place it on myself? I feel like the way I approached him is nothing like I have done in the past… and I knew it was going to be too much to handle… it was too much for me at the time. It may sound like I’m constantly bombarding him but that’s not the case either. In the past if I was attracted to somebody and it wasn’t working out at the time… I’d be taking this time to get healthier in my sexuality.. and I’d assume exposing myself to experiences willy-nilly… really without a care to myself or anyone else. But that’s not how I work anymore. I’ve been getting messages of clearing out my past sexual relationships.. and it’s not like it tells me exactly how to do that… so I have to figure it out. Not only do I feel like there’s an attachment that is caused by having sex with someone, but I also feel their energies are shared with mine. So if they have negative or unhealed energies then they are sharing it with me and I have to clear it all out. So there’s no way I just want to continue having sex with just anyone… lol. But then I have this issue of wanting to learn how to orgasm freely… and again I don’t want to just go around having sex with everyone… but did I get a message on how to do it? yes, but am I ashamed of what had to happen for me to experience that? Yes… at least when it was going on. I found out that my body doesn’t have the issue of orgasming… it’s my mind that stops me. Literally my mind stops me even from practicing on myself, because I’d prefer to have a partner… why? It’s just an excuse, right? Maybe that’s why I find myself in situations I don’t want to be in. If I don’t deliberately do it myself… existence will help me learn but not necessarily the way I thought would work best for me. This is my understanding of what’s going on with the collective in general. If we don’t do it deliberately for ourselves… existence knows we want to work on it… so it will find a way to teach us, but it might not be the way we want to learn. Either way it’s getting done. When we know we are being deliberate… we’re conscious we are working on learning. When existence does it for us… we might not realize it’s happening… especially if we’re not conscious existence is trying to help us learn. Have I gotten any other strange or crazy messages that deals with sex? Yes, sorta. But was I embarrassed by it? Yes… but I don’t have to continue being embarrassed about it now. I’ve already said I’ve got a message about digging into the earth at a specific location… and a message about visiting a specific mountain range for an expedition. To me if felt like it’s easier to focus on these things because it’s easier to digest for the collective. Especially the excavation. I’m just as curious as anyone else to see if it’s true… again this is new for me so I want to see if I’m understanding the message correctly. And this one seems to be the easiest of the three. I was focusing on these two, but it was like I was almost forgetting this third message, but I feel this third message might help out the collective more than any of them… or maybe not. What’s the third message? I got a message that healthy semen is a medicine. At first one might say that’s crazy, but how crazy is it really? Semen is part of the creation of life force. Yes it’s mostly water but has nutrients. There’s not a whole lot that gets ejaculated… but for some reason I’ve received this message. And maybe because I’ve been celibate its saying I need to get some action… lol… but maybe there’s more to it? I really don’t know but I’m curious definitely. And it was given to me as if it would be good for my diet. It felt like I might even have something like an illness that it would help maybe? At that time I was dealing with a staph infection and a parasite… maybe connected? Another unusual twist is I was getting messages that there’s two specific people who would be the most compatible for me… my spiritual lover and my brother… lol… with my brother’s message he’s the only one in the world that shares my DNA, genes, and chromosomes. I’m not sure about the spiritual lover other then maybe that’s why we are attracted to certain men… could they be a medicine to us? I don’t know, but again I’d be curious to find out. I also received a message that healthy semen still is medicine because my body will be able to transmute it to my needs. So when I received this message it first startled me because I didn’t know anything was wrong with me. why was I getting messages to change my diet.. not only this but to go on a fruit fast… well that’s what I did… it was telling me to eat mostly fruit again I can only think of nutrients. And if I have something I’m trying to heal… I’m not going to get a message of hey go to the doctor and take this medicine… lol… as a shaman I received messages of what I can do that’s natural medicine. I had dejavu when I got this message. It was realizing I knew this was going to be a part of my story… and I didn’t want it to be a part of my story. I was picturing people sending me their healthy semen samples through the mail… lol. (I did forget because I feel like I should be eating more fruit then I currently am now… lol). But this really shook me up… and I know i wasn’t grounded but I started reaching out to possible people that might find my story interesting enough to look into it. I emailed a biology professor, a Brazilian Ayahuasca researcher, and a few other organizations. Not long after I sent the emails… I lost my phone and was unable to log into my account when I finally got a replacement phone. But I also shared it with the group I was hanging out with in the city. I was painting a mural at a vegetarian restaurant and there were several people participating in ceremony and dietas who are patrons. It was obviously not the easiest conversation to bring up because I’d easily predict the most likely reaction… that’s pretty crazy… and a lot of laughter. But in my head… how would I even setup a way to test this out? I’d get a complete physical with blood, urine, and stool… do I have an illness? I got those in Peru but my blood work seemed fine and the urine and stool showed the parasite. But they were specifically looking for a parasite… I’m sure you can tell more from those samples? Maybe? I don’t know I honestly never go to a doctor anymore. Lol… I don’t get sick and I feel great… so again that’s why this entire message shook me up. And again… it’s hard to ignore but I also don’t know where to really start. I still feel I need to start at the excavation project… it’s the only time I got a message to put my intentions into ceremony to find the results I’m looking for. This will teach me. That’s the thing… all of these messages might not be the result that I think it will be… and I know the destination isn’t always the most important part… it’s the journey of learning. So maybe I don’t have to purge out every little detail… we’ll have to see I guess how I feel next time. It’s a good time to break for now.

Alright so I’m here in the laundry mat doing a load… I’ve been here quite a bit since I’ve been at my pops… it reminds me of what I do while I’m waiting here… lol… when I first started coming I was taking Polynesian dance and I was practicing my Hawaiian routines and also my Tahitian practices… Most of the time I would be by myself, but there was a Hispanic family that would be there from time to time… I’m not sure if we just had the same schedule but I think they were here three times as I was… I’d always be dancing when they arrive… sometimes I would take a break and other times I’d just keep on dancing… They would make a comment how they like my style of dancing. Right now there’s a group of kids who are walking around enjoying the weather… they’re in here to grab some snacks. I took a little walk after I loaded the washer to pick up some more pipe tobacco because it’s only about three blocks down. I love walking… and it’s been such a long time here… I’d like to take more walks especially since the weather is so nice… it’s in the low 70s. One other memorable moment I had in a laundry mat was when I was visiting American Samoa with my mom. We’re from a village at the very end of island but she needed to run into Pago-Pago. (Lol… what a sweetie… one of the little boys got a treat and said he’s going to be short money to grab a drink. I told him I had 50 cents to spare him. Well he came back and gave me the change because he didn’t need all of it.) But while we were in Pago-Pago we ended up doing laundry… I remember we had a lot of it… so I’m pretty sure we grabbed loads from the family too. But there was a woman in there with us. I can’t remember my age but I was still in high school. She’s Caucasian and you don’t run into other Caucasians much on the island. She probably didn’t think I was Caucasian but when I started talking she put things together. Anyway, She lived on a sailboat with her husband. And they would travel around to different Polynesian islands and spend time on them. I wish I would meet her again because I’d have better questions to ask her… lol… but that did always stay in my memory and perked my curiousity… what would that be like to mostly live on a boat in the ocean without land? I’m not sure if I’d like to live that way permanently or anything… but I could see being able to try if for 6 months up to a year probably. I’ve never sailed before but I’d learn just to try it out. I did meet a cool guy who sails between the Asian islands. His heritage is Taiwanese. I told him that I’d love to hang out with him for a month or two to help him out and learn. We met through Couchsurfer and I believe he has many friends that’s joined him on his boat. I’ve met the most interesting people through Couchsurfer… since the pandemic it’s a little strange to use Couchsurfer but i hope it normalizes enough through the world that it comes back strong… because they are great people to have conversations with and to explore the area with. I met the guy traveling in Sydney and I asked him how can I get a sailboat ride around the harbor… he told me of a dock to go and just ask around… lol… surprisingly enough I didn’t give it a try. There was another Couchsurfer I was meeting up with who also lives on a sailboat. We had been communicating for months before I arrived to Australia to get to know each other more before we met face to face… but before I arrived his boat was wrecked, so we still hung out but I didn’t get a chance to sail. My exe-stepmom actually had thought about having a family building vacation where I guess the family learns how to work as a team sailing for a week or two… I thought it would be a great idea but it didn’t follow through. Even the little mountain village has classes to learn on a solo sailboat and I didn’t take advantage of it. But it’s still in the back of my mind of things I’m going to do. I try to line it up but I can’t force it… I know when I get the opportunity it will be the perfect situation for me and most likely the perfect person to teach me how to sail. I think because of my Samoan heritage I have a deep seed that this will be something I’ll love to do and be maybe even a natural at it in a way… i don’t know. My family does a lot of long boat races… I’ve seen videos but I haven’t actually watched it myself, but our little village is pretty tough competitors out the island. Many on the island are very competitive…. Lol… I remember joining a picnic or some type of gathering where there were tons of Samoans in Hawaii… I went to go play a little bit of volleyball. There were all age ranges and so I thought it was just going to be a casual game… lol… hell no! There was an older lady who couldn’t move to far but when the ball came to her which I mean they would set her up and she would rocket that ball across the net… lol… I was like damn… this is no joke… and of course I love that. It hard for me to find games of volleyball… I love it so much! I love that the villages in Peru play volleyball too, but they have people pay to play. I get they want to be competitive but really do they have the extra money to be betting on volleyball.. lol… I’d definitely just play for fun and it can still be competitive… and of course I’d like to have them play by more organized rules… there’s hardly anyone rotating around so really the good players are the ones who are active and the players who need more experience isn’t get the chance…. Lol… anyway… I’ve got three minutes left on the dryer. I’m going to go outside and take a break. This will be a good spot to break until I return home and continue again. Oh… I woke up around 8am which was good… I was going through my clothes trying to decide what I’m keeping… I ended up taking a nap… lol… so I’m uncertain if I’ll be able to sleep at the same time I went to bed last night… lol… I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about the ceremonies… there was a lot I was holding on to and I’m thankful I’ve been given this opportunity to have a better understanding why I was holding onto it and why i was feeling uncomfortable, but why I’m ready to purge it out as well. So I got back to the house and went outside to see what my dad was doing. I can see he’s happy with the weather changing. He’s been trying to create a garden and fruit orchard-ish… I think he might’ve started about six years ago… slowly but surely he started planting more fruit trees and building areas to plant vegetables. I noticed one of the trees were really blooming when I drove up so I asked him about it. I’ts his “bad” peach tree he said… i laughed and asked why is it “bad”. He said because last year the fruits didn’t mature… they wouldn’t grow and they wouldn’t rippen… it wasn’t until late in the season did they finally rippen but they were still small. He had a crazy amount of peaches last year from his other trees. So much he was having to give a lot of them away and he puréed a ton and froze them. He’s too funny with his trees… he’s had kids come and pick fruit in the past. They left a trail of uneaten or a few bites of the fruit, but it left a trail to their home which is only two houses downs… lol.. my dad was trying to see what he should do about it. He doesn’t mind if they take a few but the took the entire remaining fruit. So he said he’s going to hire them to guard the tree… lol… He said he’ll give them fruit but maybe they won’t take them all next time. There’s been people who drove up and taken a lot of his cherries one year… he’s trying to figure out how to stop the birds and squirrels and even the ants in his strawberries. When he told me about the ants and strawberries I said I’d love to make a kid’s book maybe a pop up where my dad would actually be the bad guy.. lol.. I was joking with him, but i told him he’s got a lot of fruit.. it’s ok if they take some. He said it’s not consistent yet… one year he’ll have one fruit do well and the next year a different one. But it’s still funny to hear how he talks about them. I was here last year when he caught the squirrel taking his last few apples. He thought is was someone coming and picking them… he said how in the world do they have the nerve to come into the yard and take fruit when there’s hardly any on the tree… it’s obvious I’m waiting for them to mature more before picking them. He was sitting outside reading… and there he saw the squirrel come from a tree and climb right up and pluck one to start eating. He complained they don’t even wait until they’re ripe… lol… last year he ordered some bees to help the pollination process. He was excited but he was watching them through the yard and he said he doesn’t think they even care about his fruit trees… lol… he said there’s other bees but they’re not his bees. He did share a little honey he poured out the back when I arrived and it was very tasty. But he was worried about them through the winter. I told him they should know what to do, but he was still worried. Now that it’s starting to be spring weather… we’ve noticed bees a little bit. I actually helped two bees today to get back outside… we’ve been going in and out of the house today and so they come in through the doors. But we havn’t seen any activity from his bees. We’re afraid they didn’t make it. I’m not sure how it all goes, but I told him give it another week maybe they’re still in hibernation. I went ahead and looked up how to pollinate fruit trees by hand… and so he’s going to do it himself if he doesn’t see any bees or flies out there soon. The one peach tree is the only one really blooming… a few cherry blossoms are coming on his bing cherry tree… but there’s buds on everything. I hope it goes well for him this year, but I have to admit when he complains it’s usually pretty funny. I’ve been talking to him about his relationship and I can see and he has admitted that he’s much happier here in his little world then living with her and her family where he felt like he was out of place. He’s got his projects he’s working on that keeps him busy and I think I can get him a bit organized and clean up the house and he’ll be fine. I ask him if he’s happy and he responds… well I’m not unhappy… lol… that used to bug me, but my dad is happy for him… he’s happy and I’m glad I’ve got to spend this time with him. So I was going through my clothes and I think I’ve got it narrowed down as far as I can for now. I grabbed a suitcase to see if I can fit everything in it and I can. I know when I leave next I’ll go back and weed through a few more items. It’s the whole warm weather and cold… I don’t always know where I’m going so I like to have both available… lol… I also have fun outfits to wear to nice events and then I have scrubby clothes to work in… lol… so when I decide what’s going down I’ll finish it then. Oh my goodness… my cat got out the window last night. I usually talk to him in the mornings.. usually he’s not too far away, but this morning I couldn’t find him. I’ve actually traveled enough with him and we’ve run into situations where he doesn’t seem to be in the house anymore.. lol… he’s a curious George… so I don’t freak out like I once did. I went outside to yell for him and he was there hiding on the porch.. there’s a couch out there and he was hiding there… lol… i brought him inside but I left the door open to see if he wanted to go back out again. I told him I don’t mind if he goes out during the day, but at night I’m not going to hear him when he wants to come back in… lol.. Animals have been great at showing me triggers to work on… lol… when I first started meditating I thought I’d have to sit there with my eyes closed and I had a roommate who had a little Jack Russell dog, Rico… he was awesome, unfortunately he’s passed now, but he would take advantage of when I was meditating. He would put his paws on my chest and just lick my face. There were several techniques I would use but one was to just accept and not move… don’t move a muscle… lol… and so he’d just continue to lick because I didn’t stop him… lol… but yes this Elvis boy while we’re traveling oh my goodness… So I started training him to go outside and that was funny watching myself hovering over him being so protective. And slowly getting myself to just let him go without me watching him. At first Elvis would come back to me when I called his name… it was too cute because he’d be hopping out of the tall grass coming to get some lovin from me. But now he doesn’t do that…lol… of course when we’re at places we aren’t supposed to stay long at. There’s been several locations where we extended the stay because he got out and then hid until I found him. It’s always worked out… usually I’d do something not expected or meet people unexpectedly if we left I wouldn’t have those opportunities, but still… it would be nice for him to come hopping to me like he once did when I called his name… lol… he’s been so happy to just relax all this time without moving so much. When I took him to Peru he did well at the center because we were there for three months. We stayed at the restaurant for a month, but then we did a roadtrip down the coast into Arequipa, to Cusco, and then Limatambo and back to Lima… lol… we were moving around a lot and that was tough. Of course I want him to continue traveling with me… and I’m trying to figure out how to make it easier for him and myself… so I keep thinking of how to do that. Again thinking about that camper still… It’s a challenge to find cat-friendly places… they may say pet-friendly but they’re really saying dog-friendly. If he had the camper then it won’t feel like he’s always switching places and trying to find new hiding spots at each location… lol… he’d have his own place and the outside would change on him. When we’re by ourselves camping he loves to go explore and I don’t mind when there’s not traffic around. Now that I’ve been taking him with me… it’s hard for me to even think of not taking him with me. I’ve only found a few cat lovers like myself… lol… there’s a dieta I would like to do but it’s pretty hard core, and I’m uncertain if he’d allow my cat to join me. That’s actually why I’ve looked for alternatives but I’d really like to do dieta there.. it’s the mapacho dieta… he takes it seriously compared to other mapacho dietas I’ve looked into. He even gives you the supplies to make your own pipe which I love that! It’s hard core because I’d be pretty much locked up in my own space… what I understood he’ll slide my food in through a gap… I’m not sure how to use the bathroom… lol… but I would like to try it out, but I’d like to have Elvis with me too… lol… when I’ve left for the weekend he’s so relieved to see me. He’s the kind that stops eating because I’m not around… Maybe I’m getting him too dependent on me? We’re still trying to figure it out… lol So… again I’ve been thinking about what and where I’m heading with this Journal… i did wake up this morning and I had those questions going on in my head from last night… where is it? (Not having success quoting this on the IPad, but it’s me words anyway, right… lol) Thinking the way I do… is this trying to interfere somehow? Thinking like this is it saying that I don’t trust the perfection that already exists? I woke up telling myself, I just want to Love… I’m not interfering… it’s not that I don’t trust existence… isn’t perfect for existence to allow these ideas. I think I just want to try to do it all but I don’t need to… I just need to follow my heart and whatever that leads to is perfect… I know there’s not a time limit…. Lol… is always is so I’ve got plenty of time to do what I want to…lol So my thoughts I’m processing at this time is all this frustration I had about myself not learning quickly enough and I didn’t know my frustration was tied to my own embarrassment, shame, and guilt that I carry because I didn’t know better. And it seems like I’m processing a lot but there’s this sexual side to me that I haven’t been working through enough… I know I need a lot of work and I’ve been doing a lot of work on it. And when it came through ceremonies I was comfortable when it was just me dealing with it, but when others were involved I’d feel like I wasn’t prepared or ready to deal with it. I’d almost wish I wasn’t being put in those situations, but again technically I get placed into those situations to learn and so I’m going to keep going through the process because that’s where I am and this process has been really helping me out. I keep jumping around but I guess this well help with deteriorating a linear view of a perspective of time… lol… early my second round of ceremony came up… so this would be almost four years ago. It would be a year after my first rounds. Geesh! I don’t know what I’ve all shared by now… I know I’ve been vomiting all over this Journal… lol.. but this is my process so let’s keep it up… I think I have to start from the flight going to Peru So I hadn’t really been traveling much at this time… but I did have a long layover in Florida so I thought why don’t I leave the airport for the lay-over… so I checked to see if I could get to the ocean… there were bus routes that could get me there. So I decided I’ll go ahead and try it out. Now I did notice that one of the guys on my flight got onto the same bus as I did, but when he got off at the same spot as I did… did we start talking. It was really early and hardly anyone was out at this time. So we asked each other if we planned on going to the beach and we were. We found out that we both started in Denver flew to Florida, both decided to go hangout at the beach before our flight to Lima… so we were both going to Lima. I was heading to the jungle for ceremonies and he was heading to Cusco to run extreme hiking and climbing adventures. I told him I plan on going to Cusco later and maybe we can meet up. Well we didn’t make that decision right then… but after we hung out did we decide to do that because he was so much fun. We were not the only ones at the beach we found a gentleman there all suited up in a wetsuit coming out of the water. He stopped to chat with us.. He noticed we were traveling and we were there on our layover. He asked us where we were going and we both said Peru…he said no way… my son is traveling Peru right now… which city? I said Iquitos and the man said that’s where my son is… I asked if his son planned on participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies or not. He said he’s been volunteering at little villages and hadn’t planned on it, but since he’s been there… there so much talk about it that he was thinking about trying it. The father asked me if it would be possible for his son to join my retreat. I said I don’t know I’d have to start asking but I can definitely meet him when I arrive.. talk to the facilitators and his son and see what we can do. Well.. his son joined us and there were seven of us this time going out on the retreat not including the retreat’s staff. The staff was almost the same except a new cook, and one of the facilitators was new to me, but I guess she’s usually the one that does the retreat.. the girl who was with us last year was filling in that one and only time. Since I’m really comfortable with the staff and they knew how close I got to the shamans last year they let me ride with them this year… it was great! We all had different fruits on us and were sharing with one another.. lol… but I’m going into this second round wide-eyed and bushy tailed because I was expecting a similar situation as last year. Last year was absolutely phenomenal and was a huge peak in my life’s journey. Well…lol.. I’ll just go ahead and say it… it wasn’t alike at all… lol… I was pretty much the black sheep. This was really the first time I can remember where most of the people I am spending time with me did not want me to be there… lol… it was very tough, but it was a great opportunity to learn… lol… I can laugh now because looking back at it… there’s a lot of distance and I’ve been through so many ceremonies and experiences since then that it’s going to be a little challenging to remember everything… in fact it was a time I was trying to forget…so we’ll see how it goes. It was everyone’s first time except for me. Again I knew the staff and had established a good rapport with them. At that time I was in a group chat with our first group which included the male facilitator which was at both of my retreats. But the family that was there had two children was there, but the daughter was in school this time. But anyway.. I felt like it’s my Aya familia…. And very confident.. but maybe I was too confident I don’t know, but thankful they had met me before because throughout the retreat they really helped support me because again I was the black sheep of the group. How did I become the black sheep we many wonder… well there was a couple there along with singles. When the facilitators go through the spiel they warn people that people get naked sometimes… but they also mention all kinds of stuff. They asked me if I had anything else to add… and I did notice that they were assuming that most people would have a hard time in ceremony, and I said with my last experiences I didn’t have a hard time so just be open to whatever comes because we just don’t know. That reminded me of why I probably go into a huge spiel myself with my guests now because I’ve had the entire gambit being thrown at me during ceremony so try not to have any expectations before going in. I’m not sure if I said it to them, but I knew at that time whatever happens in ceremony is suppose to happen… lol… well I definitely did not expect that I’d be the one getting naked on the first ceremony… lol… again funny now but then… not so funny. Oh and I had suggested doing all the ceremonies in the back maloka instead of the front one where there’s light that comes through. The staff and the guests seemed to not have a problem with that and so we went. So what can I remember of the first ceremony? I remember I had a spot where I always went to last time. They had let people paint on the floors and there was a spot that had a simple sun painted there and so that’s where I’d place my mat and that was my spot for ceremony. So when ceremony began… I felt myself wanting to help like I did the first rounds, but not as strong. If I can look at it in retrospect most of these guests were walled up… I mean they were not as trusting as the first group. Again I had seven come to my visions on the first ceremony… so there was a large size there to receive and not have their walls up. But again…. I didn’t realize this going into ceremony. The husband was lying next to me and he was before me in the shamans rotation. I found myself getting up and sending more energy towards the male shaman as he was working on him. I could see the shaman a little nervous with me standing up beside him… so I made my way back to my mat and continued. I was ready for him when it was my turn. Again I don’t know if I just tried to forget these ceremonies but I’m having trouble remembering as much as I did for the first round.. but I remember it was right away addressing my spiritual lover… I felt like there might be even a chance he would magically appear there… lol… I knew I was getting excited… I remember hearing his laughter… there are moments where ceremony is waiting for you to notice something and i’m sitting here thinking… holy shit is he here? Lol… I remember the female shaman coming to me and it continued with more messages about him… this time my thoughts turned more sexual… oh yeah… I remembered for the first ceremony I had worn clothes that i bought from the shamans last year and also wore some jewelry from them. I was with her and I was getting a message of me not having to prove myself to them… they already know how grateful I am to have their guidance. I felt like I was being fake for some reason having these jewelry items on… that I didn’t need to have this display… i was ripping off my bracelet and necklace… I think i was trying to unlatch the necklace and couldn’t and I literally broke it while i was tearing it off of me. That’s when I started getting messages about my spiritual lover… I was getting messages that I should be proud of my beauty and myself… I have nothing to be ashamed of… I remember thinking to myself oh my miss shamana… thinking about the female shaman… you’re naughty… I was getting up to my feet and spinning around and I was thinking to myself holy shit… I’m about to strip these clothes off and I was telling myself how naughty she is… lol… and I like to be naughty too… lol… I felt like I was not afraid to be naked at this time… it felt liberating and I was dancing on my mat and the shamans continued their rounds and I remained in my own space not worrying about helping them by sending my energies… I was in my own space… and it just continued with sexuality… I remember saying that I’ve been such a good girl this year… I had been abstinent for around 8 months by now… and that might’ve been the longest time without having sex since my first time losing my virginity. So yeah at that time it felt like a long time… lol… I won’t go into details but for awhile I was seducing my spiritual lover… and I know I was saying his name and talking to him… let’s say a bit dirty, a bit teasing, but no doubt i couldn’t wait to see him again… lol… well sexuality did not leave my session… I was sitting there and listening to ceremony and was thinking about the facilitator and shaman relationship… I was wondering really if the shamans think it’s best to not have sex or was that a western view about it… I was getting the feeling if I’m here wanting to learn more about sex… maybe everyone here wants to learn about sex? Lol… I’m always wanting to learn… so I thought if I had an opportunity to learn about sex then hell yeah… i need it and I’m open to it… lol… I even remember always talking out loud… I said I wonder how the male facilitator would be like… what would he be able to teach me…. Lol… and actually I’ve never been with a woman before… what would the female facilitator be able to teach me? I know they could hear me, but I didn’t care… I was curious and entertaining ideas of how I could learn more… I was laying there wondering if everyone here needs work with their sexuality and here’s where I completely go wrong… lol… again it’s funny now because in a sober state I’m just like what the hell was I thinking? but then, not funny or appropriate…. Up until now… everyone was fine because I was in my own space… I end up rolling over a few times until I reach the husband… and I ask him if he’s interested in learning more about our sexuality? I said this would be the perfect time if he wanted to… geesh!!! I can’t explain how much I just want to learn and I wasn’t thinking how this would be interpreted by anyone except for myself… i was in deep… but he apologized to me and said he was not interested in learning with me and I should get back to my mat. I asked him if he’s sure… I think I ran a finger down his chest even… and I said ok then… I tried to make it back to my mat but something happened and I remember he was calling to the shamans and the facilitators to come and help… and then the female shaman starting pouring liquid into my mouth… I remember it was really spicy tasting and it shocked me out of my state… she was holding my head in her lap and she was combing my hair out of my face… being very gentle with me. The facilitators helped me back onto my mat and I think I just fell asleep after that. And then I wake up. Completely embarrassed… I knew what I did was going to cause a shit show and I also knew that I was being inappropriate with the facilitators too. So I make it to the river to swim like I normally do when I’m there and to breakfast… it wasn’t too bad at that time because I don’t think the couple was there eating with us. It was time to go share our experiences with the group… and the wife walks in furious and the husband following… both of them were not happy and she couldn’t stop her rage against me. I could completely understand why she was upset but I also wish she could try to see my perspective of it, but that was not going to happen. She outright demonized me… I was satan and that everyone needs to stay away from me because I’m sick. She wanted to leave the retreat because she doesn’t feel safe having me around. No one should listen to anything I have to say… I was the devil. She said she didn’t even get into ceremony and she could hear everything going on. The husband was upset because she was upset, but he said he wasn’t angry with me, but he did think I was sick and wished I get the help I needed. Again… thankful the facilitators were there and they deal with many situations that arise in group ceremony sessions. They’ve dealt with people getting naked, but normally it’s men who do. Yes they agreed I should’ve stayed on my mat, but they continued saying she didn’t force herself on him… she was trying to get permission and once he said no…she was heading back to her spot… so she wasn’t trying to be aggressive. I was trying to put a few sentences here and there to tell my point of view… I even mentioned if she could hear everything… then she knows who I was really wanting to learn with… Most of my time was in ceremony with the man I wish i was learning my sexuality with. But she did not want to listen. And I respected her and her husband and I was hardly to be found in the public spaces. I’d eat, share during our recollection of our experiences, and ceremony together. I’d spend my time alone or visiting the staff. The male facilitator was joking with me… he said do you remember what you were saying in there? I laughed and apologized… I remember a lot but not everything… he said my spiritual lovers name… he knows him too… actually we kissed in front of him that past year when we dropped him off at the airport… but we talked about it a little bit… and I apologized if I made him or the female facilitator uncomfortable… I could explain to them more of why I was in that mindset at the time. We knew that the couple was obviously working on their marriage, and I happened to be a catalyst. We agreed this is going to be completely different then last year and I said well last year I didn’t do a whole lot of focusing on myself in ceremonies so this will be the year to do that. I apologized to the shamans too. I remember that i just shut down the second ceremony. I completely put my walls up and nothing was getting through because I didn’t want it to. I still participated when the shamans came to me for my turn… usually I’m really into their Icaros but I remember trying to hold myself still and stiff as a board… I guess I do remember feeling I was on a rollercoaster and I wanted to be able to lay the tracks deliberately is what came through. The third ceremony was my complete purging ceremony again… again i felt like I was in a cocoon in a transformational phase… similar to my fourth ceremony on the first round… I remember that swampy gut again. The fourth ceremony I actually got a vision of Leo… lol… it was like he’s waiting for me to wake up. And it had to do with a phone or the internet… this might’ve been the time where I was getting a feeling that I was going to wake up and return to my first round of ceremonies… but also it’s like I’m going to wake up and return to a room where i cannot see who they are but it looks like two men with lava-lavas sitting on benches… so it’s like I’m going to wake up back in Samoa… as if everything I’ve been living was a dream and they’re just waiting for me to wake up. Everyone is waiting for me to wake up. I believe this even might be the first time I got a feeling there maybe aliens… it’s hard to explain because I didn’t really see them but I sensed them… so there were like tiles that were displaying the visual field I was seeing but they were opening up once in awhile to show the space behind the tiles… I would feel there might be an intelligence watching through the tiles and maybe because if felt so unusual to me I thought maybe it was alien like… and honestly again I didn’t see them but I thought them to be insect like. I thought that would seem fitting for them to be connected to the insects… Insects are here allowing our physical reality to exist… without them… we humans would not exist. But they can determine when to approach us by how we treat the insects in our physical reality… if most of the people aren’t conscious or care about the insects then they would wait… once we start to appreciate them and care then maybe they would make themselves known maybe? That fifth ceremony was when my spiritual lover came back and it was geared towards creating a family together. That’s when I was able to feel or it felt like I was feeling how a child would feel like in my womb growing. It was very powerful and I’ve already mentioned some of this before… I wasn’t expecting this message because I thought it just wouldn’t be in the cards for me this life. But it did plant a seed of hope and it opened that window up to me again, and also hopeful that I’m working my toxicity out of my system to be a mother one day. I mentioned I wasn’t the only one who got naked these ceremonies… there was another guy there… he gets into ceremony like I do and he was even singing his style of Icaros a little bit. We was one of the first guests to come to me and apologize for isolating me. There were a few others that came up to me to to apologize. They saw how I responded to it all… they saw I was respecting their boundaries but I don’t seem to be trying to cause drama and the staff seem to really like me. I told them everything is suppose to happen like it happens… I’m learning a lot this time I just didn’t know it was going to be in this way. The female facilitator found a poem and she gave it to me before I left the retreat… let’s see if I can find it… ok And the weaver said, Speak to us of Clothes. And he answered: Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hid not the unbeautiful. And though you seek in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain. Would that you could meet the sun and the wind with more of your skin and less of your raiment, For the breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind. Some of you say, “It is the north wind who has woven the clothes we wear.” And I say, Ay, it was the north wind, But shame was his loom, and the soften- ing of the sinews was his thread. And when his work was done he laughed in the forest. Forget not that modesty is for a shield against the eye of the unclean. And when the unclean shall be no more, what were modesty but a fetter and a fouling of the mind? And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. Gibran, Kahlil. “The Prophet.” Norwood, Mass. The Plimpton Press. Published 1923- reprinted 1924. Pg41-42. Actually… I think I’ll end this entry with more from “The Prophet”… which seems to be applicable to these rounds. Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be pos- sessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.” And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil it- self. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tender- ness. To be wounded by your own under- standing of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstacy; To return home at eventide with grati- tude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master? And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your together- ness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near to- gether: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Chil- dren. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your chil- dren as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. Pg15-22.

Lol… as I’m waking up I have more to add to this. I was thinking about not only would there be a scholarship program but there can be a recruitment program too. The reason I say this is these retreats can be effective to grow individuals but maybe we can unite the collective as well in a deliberate way. I’m not sure but in theory I know many people see themselves as separate from others mostly because they are not willing to get to know the other side(s) views. Maybe I need to walk my way through this line of thoughts. I had mentioned there are nonprofit organizations that I’m interested in donating to but I also wanting to get to know them and see what I can do to be more effective in my assistance. One area is increasing consciousness with the Amazon rainforest for example. I found many nonprofits who are approaching in similar ways but maybe more effective in specific areas that might help the other groups. When we recruit these organizations who else would we want to recruit to join to be a more wholistic approach. The groups that these organizations feel aren’t as conscious of their actions who might not value the Amazon in a larger scale. So I have to ask myself what makes me uncomfortable when it comes to the Amazon. In my direct experience which is limited but I’ve run into plastics and waste being dumped into the rivers and cities. There are not programs deliberately in place to make locals aware of options other than throwing trash anywhere that’s convenient at the time. Yes we can think about recycling centers but how do we reduce the consumption? The States has ran into this issue of overconsumption and where to put the waste before we had to start making a more deliberate effort to do something about it… lol… Right we are known to send our waste to other countries so they can manage it instead of ourselves. When we are sending it away we aren’t addressing the reduction of waste but it was more out of site, out of mind instead. But of course we’re getting better and really the conditioning is stronger here than other countries like Peru specifically in the jungle regions. They don’t have as much experience with what to do with say excess plastics… just an example all the portable bottles people purchase for drinking. Yes it’s convenient to transport drinks in easy little bottles. But when I’m in a village where do I put that bottle afterwards? Lol… honestly I don’t have to worry about this because most things to buy out of bottles are full of refined sugars and I’d prefer to get my sweets from fruits. In a jungle village the children already know how crazy i am for fruits and I had a few new fruits introduced to my diet last time. But once I get into the village they’d ask if i wanted fruit and they would know the answer. They’d be climbing up trees and grabbing long sticks to hit the fruit down. I’d prefer adding the juices of fruits into water for a fruit-ade instead of say soda. Mostly I drink water. I’ve been slowly introducing their water into my system and have been having success but when I’m in the village i do buy bottled water myself. But again where do I put the bottle afterwards? There is not any waste processing centers there. We can bag our waste and take it to the cities who face waste more because of population. While we’re floating down the river we can grab the floating plastic to add to our waste which helps but only to the extent of out of site, out of mind… lol… what are the cities doing with the waste? Are they recycling to use again or are they creating landfills like the most of the world? I also drink non-caffeinated tea… so really steamed herbal drinks… lol. But what do I see the locals drinking… yes they drink the fruit-ades but they also are drinking soda from bottles and alcohol from bottles and coffee. They don’t leave the village often so they have their own mini landfills being created. I’ve ran into the Mennonite colonies clearing out large spaces of the jungle for farming. I’m not sure if you’ve ever ran into a situation where you see that a tree has been cut down and the diameter is between six to ten feet… I am completely sad… I don’t understand why the farming cannot avoid these trees? Does it have to be setup in a grid? why can’t the land and existing plants help determine how the plot looks like. I know it’s because the ease of harvesting and planting, but is there value for selecting existing trees or plants to remain? What’s happening to the trees being cut down?These are huge trees and it’s not easy to transport. Are they milling the trees for their colonies? When they used the necessary wood are their excess trees not being used? could the villages use those trees since they’ve already been cut down? I do not have direct experience of the Mennonite life, but I was curious and looked a little into it online. First I found the news about the deforestation battle against the Mennonites. In their religion farming is the way they connect and serve God. They search for large areas of land where they can be isolated from others to have their colonies. Many are finding the Amazon as their solution because it’s already isolated and land ownership is not clear. Some Mennonites aren’t getting permits to clear the land before they do it and think they have to clear it first then ask… they want to feed their colonies so they don’t know why they would have to ask for a permit to farm first. So to be able to continue my thoughts I’d like to have the Mennonites join us so we can have better education on what they are wanting but also give them a better idea of what others are wanting and why they are asking them to approach the land differently. So even if i don’t really dig any deeper but if I was to have a retreat and want to create a less sense of division in addressing diverse communities involved who and what would I initially come up with? So I’ve been to the city of Pucallpa and villages along the Ucayali River. First we’d invite the indigenous villages, the Mennonite colonies, and the city’s governing bodies to begin. I’d also invite the conservationist and researchers of the ecosystem of the jungle. I might want to invite groups from biodynamic farming too… if sustainability, regenerative, and spirituality is a desire for an understanding. So how do I make it inviting for them to join the retreat? Let’s start with my gut feeling with retreats art, dance, yogic, music, and outdoor classes. Art we can have indigenous share or teach their styles of art while the Mennonites do the same. Again I haven’t been to a Mennonite colony so I’m not sure of their practices but I’d be curious to see what that would be. I’d assume it’s not ornamental, but functional. Their style or art would be more like sewing and building I’d assume. The indigenous with their art they express their spirituality to give to visitors. In specific I’ve gathered seeds from different plants, dried them, sting them up to make jewelry. Nature is part of their spirituality and a way to share that with others. I’ve also made clay pottery and saw different shades of dirt to decorate and paint the pottery. Again mostly to be able to give to visitors to share their culture. Many visitors come because the landscape is fascinating but also their unique style of spiritual ceremonies. Ayahuasca is a dominating force of attracting visitors to explore. Again I’ve embroidered with indigenous and their designs come from nature but also geometrical visions in ceremony. It’s a little odd for me to see some of the artwork from indigenous because I’m an artist and I participate in ceremonies. I see why these designs are being used to express an Ayahuasca experience. But when I speak to some of these indigenous artist many if not most haven’t drank in a ceremony before. So they aren’t using their direct experience to create they are using designs that’s been passed down from generations but they haven’t had those direct experiences to connect with the symbols. I’ve seen amazing work and some of the ladies in the village I would tell them which ones of their patterns I could relate to in ceremony and which ones I don’t. But I try to encourage them to participate in ceremony because I know how much my creativity has deepened from them… so I’d be curious how their art would develop as well. Maybe they wouldn’t just duplicate from their past ancestors expression of art but evolve it with their own experiences. Just like painters of Ayahuasca. They are very talented and their stuff is beautiful but it seems a bit repetitive in my opinion. I’ve met amazing artists and i started asking if they’ve drank in ceremonies… one young gentleman I’ll focus on. We don’t know each other well but he says he’s drank. He also has developed a large vocabulary in English so its a little easier to have an in-depth conversation. I’d compliment his work because it’s breathtaking but I would ask him his inspiration or insights from ceremony that led him to paint these ideas. He didn’t really know how to respond. So I told him to forget his artwork for now… what do you get out of ceremonies? Again it felt like he didn’t really know what to say and when he said something it was hesitant and very general. i didn’t want to pressure him so I’d express my experiences and insights and how I am inspired to create… to give him my understanding of ceremony and art. Many of these artists uses the animals that are known in the jungle and I have to admit some of these animals have been present but those are such a small fraction in my experiences. So I ask him because it’s highly used in Ayahuasca art…what his ceremonies are like… does he see these animals as spirit guides? What does he feel like when he’s around these spirit guides and are they inspiring him to make any changes in his life? I’ve even asked how his purging process was like…again not really a clear response. So regardless of if he’s drank or not I was challenging him to see if there are other areas in ceremony he would like to explore to expand his topics in paintings. Would he challenge himself on messages that are challenging and how would he paint them? So I know how much Ayahuasca art paints the picture of what Aya ceremonies are thought to be like. And yes we want to acknowledge the unique landscapes and wildlife in the Amazon where these Aya ceremonies originated from… but focusing mostly on this is misleading to the general public who might be interested in ceremony. Many people assume you’re going to be having visions of anacondas and jaguars the entire time. Fortunately or unfortunately westerners are drawn to participate in ceremonies and many have money to spend on art. Talented artist see an opportunity to make money by selling Aya themed art. If they haven’t really dove deep into ceremony then they can see what is selling and do their own versions from others interpretations… they see what visitors like to buy. But it gets over saturated with a narrow perspective. In fact many females I know that haven’t drank is afraid of this right here… they don’t want to see anacondas and jaguars… I’m close to them and I feel comfortable kidding around with them… but i chuckle at them… I told them i don’t know and they don’t know if they are going to see these things in ceremony. Ceremony is not designed to scare you the entire time. What I’ve found is ceremony is loving and patient but it also want to help heal in deep ways not surface level. It’s spoken to me very specifically to how and what I can understand at the time. I asked them why they think there are so many visitors who travel from around the world to participate in ceremony. Why I come so often to drink… I let them know it’s not because I like to be frightened by anacondas and jaguars… lol… there’s something I cannot explain to them, but they can understand if they join ceremony. I know of a woman who would sit in on ceremonies where he husband would be the shaman. She would not drink in ceremony but she still got visions. I recommended to the ladies to at least sit in on ceremonies to get a better idea of what it involves. You don’t have to drink until you’re ready to drink. I told them the next time I come I’d like for them to join us… at least to see what ceremony is like.. it won’t be so scary if they can at least dip their toes into it. They trust me outside of ceremony… they can trust me inside of ceremony too. I’ve been in ceremony where the shaman is the only one who drinks and he went around and did his thing and none of the guests drank. They found value in that style of ceremony and I liked it because I’m curious if I can do the same thing or what’s different. In fact I did get a brief experience with this when I was doing my solo Aya ceremonies. Briefly I will say I was in the city but quickly found myself in a village I had never been before. That last ceremony early in the morning I was waiting for the public boat to come and take me back to the city. There was a few locals that would sit with me for a short time and they did not drink with me but I found myself working on them… I had already explained being a shaman and none of them was offended or weirded out for me wanting to help… they accepted and was grateful. So I know there’s more potential to grow from this. I know my dad is one person I’d want to share ceremony with but he hasn’t done drugs before. I don’t know… he took a lady friend to Jamaica on vacation and he had invited my brother to go. My dad asked my brother while he was there if he knew how to get marijuana for his lady friend…lol… my dad again is anti-social so he didn’t realize he could probably ask anyone at the hotel and they’d be able to help him, but my brother was on it. Now I know my dad got it for her to make her happy, but i honestly don’t know if he actually participated or not. My gut says no but I haven’t really asked maybe I will… lol… but anyway he took a few drags of a cigarette when he was very young and got sick so he wasn’t a smoker and he drinks but he’s a lightweight and loves fru-fru drinks… lol… fruit is amazing and very tasty why not enjoy them… lol… but anyway I’ve called him like Captain America growing up because he’s been straight laced… he doesn’t cuss… the closest thing of him cussing was saying “Jesus Christ!” Lol… but even stopped saying that…lol.. but again he’s never told me how to live my life and again I share almost everything with him and he knows I’d love to share ceremony with him. But if i could maybe at least get him to sit in on a ceremony that can be a start… I’d love to see if i can help him deeper if he sat in… i wouldn’t know until it happens and I’m working my way to have that opportunity. Lol… ok I’ll get back to the focus. Dance classes would be included so I’d suggest for both Indigenous and Mennonites to share their dancing. The dancing I’ve participate in the jungle has been like a group style of dance. You are dancing with yourself but with others around you doing similar movements. I did not get to see a dancers group in jungle but i know they exist… and it seemed like they would choreograph there moments though. I’m only assuming when it comes to the Mennonite side but I feel comfortable assuming they would be a little on the old-fashioned and formal side. Having events to meet potential partners so maybe more geared to share partners something like I would assume as a like a country hoedown. They are hard workers and they’d have to get the people to put their hoes down and enjoy themselves too… maybe a little dancing will help energize them and connect to the community. I don’t know maybe Mennonites don’t dance… let me see what I can find online… lol… well it depends but dancing and instruments are not necessarily promoted in their colonies… BUT they do sing. So depending on the group I’m working with I’d have to see if they would entertain dancing or music or if it’s completely out of the question. I would like to build relationships and this will not be accomplished over one retreat. So maybe we start with singing. I’ll give details of singing into the music section. Dancing I would love to get to the point of partner dancing. There’s just a fabulous phenomenon that arises when two people try to connect through a dance. Not only would it be great for Indigenous to dance with one another and the Mennonites to dance with one another… but would could happen if we get them intermingling and dancing with everyone? Psychologically we can understand people run on survival mode… we can see why the first opinion is to isolate… but as the world starts to encroach on each others boundaries.. we find isolation isn’t really possible as much. We can try to help people get to know these others and maybe even build a sense of trust. Again in a setting that’s looking for everyone’s wellbeing but also respecting and observing the interactions to allow privacy and separation if it’s getting too overwhelming for the guests. I know how deep dancing can be but I also love the research into partner dancing too. Some studies started partner dancing in schools and the decrease of bullying happened because when you dance with each other these boundaries start to disappear… they begin to have relationships of respect for the people they are dancing with. It doesn’t stop children from getting angry but they are looking for alternative outlets to express and release their anger without directing it to the other children. Even studies of aging adults can help their intellectual activity to help prevent cognitive decline. Yes they can learn patterns which helps with memory and attention, but when you actually start to dance and people get into it they’ll find out the dancing patterns isn’t all that is involved. It’s being sensitive and reciprocal with that partner. Can you feel a disconnect… what can you do differently to connect clearer… what kind of energy are they sending me and how does that make me feel and how do i want to respond? It’s a very dynamic experience and there’s adjustments and decisions that are being made spontaneously… this is great stuff… lol ok I can dive deeper but I also want to get back to the point… lol Yogic practices… now I’d assume these communities aren’t familiar with yoga but maybe we can focus on breathe work and meditation… but we don’t have to use these terms if it puts a wall up for further exploration. I know I didn’t know how to breathe and it’s bee an effort to change my breathing… and it’s still in progress. But just the basics of what my body should be doing to full benefit a breath was not clear to me until I started practicing. And I just want to mention almost every ceremony I get messages about breathe… messages for myself and channeled messages for my guests. It happened so often that I try to do a small session before we start of basics of yogic breathing because… a lot of time I’ll have to remind them to breath and relax… slow their rate of breathing. Again to keep it simple Inhalation we can fill up the cavities of the stomach, lungs, and throat with air through our nostrils. On the exhalation we expel the air slowly from the throat, lung, and stomach with even a contraction in our abdomen to release as much excess air out of the body so we allow space for the new air to fill us up on the next inhalation. For me personally I was doing the opposite… lol… when I took a deep breath I would suck in my stomach which helped fill my lungs fill and then when i release my air my stomach would expand. I also noticed I didn’t have slow breathing rate and I can get to a point where I’m anxious I can automatically start slowing down my breathe to calm myself down. And I could intellectualize to myself that if i dont do the contraction of my abdomen on my exhalation I would hold stagnant air which isn’t nurturing my body. The more stagnant air I have the less new air can enter… so we are training to not have shallow breaths but deep breaths. When it comes to meditation in the beginning it can be more towards observing how the mind talks and what the mind wants to focus on. To make it simple and maybe to make it more approachable maybe suggest writing journals. Guide them to focus on what the mind wants to focus on and just write it… allow plenty of time for them to observe and then write. Or maybe a voice recording session… as they are sitting there what is their mind observing… I just closed my mind for a few seconds and I can see at first my mind focused on my breathing… what’s the rate and the depth of breath, but then my mind started hearing sounds… for me at this time I could hear the chirping of the birds outside and the low voices coming from my dad’s television and a subtle wind moving the blinds creating a noise. So maybe allowing them to say what the mind is observing. For people who study breathework and meditation I know we can dive deeper, but can we find a starting point to introduce people with allowing these experiences to evolve with them as they did for us. I’m not even sure how to offer this as classes to benefit them because I know how beneficial it is but I don’t know what they find as valuable… they are both spiritual and so they may have techniques that are similar… so maybe offer these classes and then after we can ask them if they know alternative spiritual techniques they think others can benefit from. Here’s the music portion where we can start off by sharing their singing with everyone. Just to give an example Mennonites can teach a spiritual hymn and indigenous can teach a spiritual Icaro possibly. I’ve been a participate in several churches in my life and if I don’t try to process the words… I enjoy the act of singing together with the congregation. I feel it’s very powerful and rewarding. I might’ve mentioned I’d been labeling myself as an atheist for most of my life and I was very combative to defend this label. It maybe odd but being an atheist didn’t stop me from being curious about religions and even study religions. There was a spiritual side to me that I was unaware was trying to find a connection. But there were words specifically the word God that would trigger me… lol.. I was assuming a very shallow definition of what God meant. I wasn’t aware of the subjective nature of words until much later. I notice I’m a hundred times better, but I still don’t use the word God a lot because that shallow definition still exists and I don’t want others to assume that that’s what I’m implying when I say that word. A lot of my spiritual conversations are me trying to find out what words mean to that individual and I share what it means to me… so God is a common word and the Ego is a common word… but I don’t know what that means to someone else… so I ask questions. I’ve been attending a few sermons since I’ve been taking my stepmom’s mom to church. I find I want to sing with them but I also find that when I’m reading the words I don’t agree with the words but even so I’m trying to connect with the congregation. I’m sure I can go into many aspects of why i don’t agree, but the one that’s sticking out to me is the “unworthiness” that is being indoctrinated. My spiritual practice is helping me remove this feeling of unworthiness… why is there spirituality seem to accept it as a fact and is this why I feel they’re getting stuck? Anyway I still want to sing. I go to church when i visit my family and they are a Samoan Gospel Pentecostal church. I don’t know the language well but again… I want to sing with them and connect. The difference I find is it’s easier for me to sing their hymns without judgement because I don’t know what the words mean. I’ll find myself understand a word or two and then try to see if I can put the puzzle together to see what we’re singing about… but what do I actually enjoy… participating in a synchronized expression of love together with them. Lol… if i don’t care about what the words mean then I’m happy… lol… it’s when i understand the words is there uncomfortableness because I question is that how they really feel about that subject? They all are bilingual and the younger generation is more likely to speak English than Samoan so parts of the sermons are in English. Again if I just hear the Samoan version I’m happy because I’m happy around them and I feel great while I’m there. But once I hear the English version and I understand what they are saying is when I used to get frustrated. I would question my mother when we returned home. She would get very defensive for me to even ask questions, but I told her I’m trying to understand what you are teaching and how this affects the choices you make in life. (I took a break to eat and decided to watch a show with my pops to get a break) Well… let’s say were still a work in progress. Maybe if they share their songs they don’t have to get wrapped up in the meaning of the words, but the sense of community? And maybe the words for us to interpret isn’t as important as the intention we’re trying to communicate. The last classes will be outdoor classes. The Mennonites might want to share their way of farming techniques, and the Indigenous may want to share their knowledge of the plants and what they mean to them. Again they see their involvement with their Nature is way to express their spirituality and getting the perspective of the others views might better understand where they are coming from. I’ve spoken with my shaman about planting master plants and how he wants to do it. To him master plants are grown in the jungle… the entire ecosystem develops the plants and this evolution created their label master plants because they find the plants as teachers. Planting them like a field or farm does not work the same way. Now they do have fields they grown for agricultural purposes. Both sides seem to grown to feed their village or colony, but also the extra would be a source of income too. There’s already some sharing going on because I’ve seen the trucks from the Mennonites come and drop off food like rice in the village and the village pays them. So there’s already a relationship being built. I know I’m not getting the full picture because my lack of coherence because of language. But I had thought of this relationship before and I knew earlier that I wanted to figure out how to get to know the Mennonites more because I felt like they were almost an invader to the jungle… lol… I don’t know how to put it, but regardless… Going through this process I see similarities to their cultures. I know there are ways to find solutions to help everyone mature in a conscious way. It’s slowly happening now, but I think it can be guided too. I know this is oversimplifying this but maybe we can look at this from a spiral dynamic point of view. We could group the Indigenous and Mennonites into the range of purple, red, blue, orange, and green. Can we introduce yellow and turquoise teachers into the mix? If we are familiar with Leo’s take on the Spiral these stages know that psychological development is occurring on the individual and the collective level. Just like I’ve mentioned about teaching kids… we don’t want to tell them what to think… we don’t have to come up with the solutions for them, but cane we guide them to make conscious decisions that are separate from their survival mode. That will get addressed but while that’s getting addressed we can also address universal concerns as well. Majority of the population is unaware of this development occurring. I can add this to a possible class to have as almost mandatory for retreats…. Lol… i had already included them before but I did not mention it yesterday… Right I’ve been thinking about different areas over a process of years but trying to give a taste to others in a span of a few hours… things get missed. But again as having a relationship being built over time… we don’t have to bombard them with everything at once. I mentioned the nonprofit organizations who are conserving the rainforest and working to stop the deforestation and businesses trying to use the natural resources for capital gains… there’s a lot. But even adding biodynamic farming into the mix where regenerative agriculture can be addressed. Eventually adding waste management organizations to tackle that issue. Creating schools to have the locals use their intelligence to create innovative solutions towards issues they face. Asking artists around the world who has focused on repurposing waste products… share their ideas and attempts in their artwork… maybe along with builders who are familiar using Earthship designs… with promotes using local natural resources and also upcycling or repurposing material people may want to place in landfills. And it can go on and on… lol This is just one example but many examples comes up in my mind, but that’s the thing… I can see organizing but not participating the entire time through each process… lol… not that I don’t want to but because I’m not the expert in all of these areas. I want to find the experts… lol… So again I wanted to hire people for them to find their true passions in life. People are drawn to their interests and some have spent many years specializing in their field of interest. If they enjoy it… let’s see how we can get them doing what they love in projects that can elevate universal consciousness. I’m more of a visionary type who likes to dream and look at projects from different angles. I’ve also learned how to do the details, but I wouldn’t say that’s my specialty… lol… but I know I need to learn and I like to learn… well even saying that I feel like that’s not quite accurate either. I love the details too…lol… I just don’t want to do it alone i guess… lol. As a piece of a puzzle I feel like I try my best to try to see the entire picture, but I know the more puzzle pieces that I’m involved with the clearer the picture. I also know we’re not flat puzzle pieces looking at one picture… lol we have infinite dimensions creating infinite possibilities. As I was typing I was thinking… things are already working themselves out… that’s just what existence is and does. Thinking the way I do… is this trying to interfere somehow? Thinking like this is it saying that I don’t trust the perfection that already exists? Again it just brings me back to what I feel right now I want to do is just focus on myself and what I’m drawn to do. Existence will guide me perfectly through it all… it has been and I recognize it now but not then… lol… but I feel like I can recognize it now. So I want to stop trying to plan everything out… lol… At times I think to do that is easy, but again I deal with people who want to know my plans… lol… I get better letting them know I want to just feel it out and see where it leads but they just really don’t know how to respond to this… lol… I know right now I want to continue to purge and take my time doing it. I have a feeling there’s big changes about to happen or actually happening already and I just want to be ready when I feel guided to take action in whatever that is… lol alright… I switched up the timing today for Journaling… since I’ve got my IPad up and going I can type whenever I want because I can be in my room where it’s easy to focus. When I was using my pops computer I’d pretty much have to wait until around 1am to start… so I wasn’t going to sleep until 6-7am. I’m not really wanting to keep that schedule up right now. So now I have more opportunities to make that work.

Alright… so somehow many of my devices that i thought were not working are all of a sudden working now. It’s really wild… my Ipadpro is back alive and I can use this now to continue my Journal. Now that I see how the format looks on a mobile device… I think I’ll just go ahead an type normally. I thought maybe I would have the opportunity to upload images since I’m on a different device, but it’s still unavailable for my account, but it’s ok. I found an older phone of mine that’s resurrected itself too… so this is all good news… lol… I haven’t really wanted to post anything for a year now on my social media accounts, but also I didn’t really have the equipment too either. I’m excited to have an Apple device because of the picture quality… lol… I lost my mini in Peru last year and since I haven’t been up to working for other people I haven’t looked into getting a replacement. I also want to mention a little about my buddy Elvis and the newbie one-eyed Jack. They’ve been interacting more now. I’ve been watching Jack and loving on him and he seems to want to be my shadow lately. Which Elvis is not comfortable with. Elvis doesn’t want to be my shadow, but when he wants my attention… i’m usually there for him. Elvis hisses at Jack to warn him he’s uncomfortable with him around his space, but it doesn’t seem like Jack can hear the hissing. If he’s looking at Elvis then you can see he notices Elvis is not happy and he’s cautious. I noticed while I would approach Jack… I’d get really close to him before he knew I was there and would get startled as if he really can’t hear well or at all. So this little guy is pretty rough and ragged. But as I’m here typing I can see them. There only about three feet from each other and nobody seems to be upset. Jack seems a little dazed most of the time and Elvis is sitting there watching him, but not in an aggressive manner. Yesterday Elvis was on the bed with me and he knew this newbie was right outside the room and he didn’t like it. One time he jumped off the bed and looked as if he was going to approach Jack aggressively and I sternly told Elvis hey there… no… and he stopped… I said Elvis? What are you doing? Come on back here. Jack isn’t doing anything wrong. And it was nice to see he didn’t continue on his pursuit and returned to the bed. My little guy is a scaredy cat and thinks everything is out to get him. But I want him to be more friendly to other cats and dogs than what he is now. I don’t know if he remembers Mika or not, but they were together for five years. I figured he’d be a little normal towards other cats, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m not sure if it’s because Mika was my girl before he came into the family… and now he’s been my only fur-baby these last few years… he’s just jealous? But I like how mellow Jack is to show Elvis that not all cats are going to be aggressive with him like Sissy was (the gray cat). My exe stepmom stopped by the other day and she’s a cat lady herself and we were joking with my dad how he doesn’t really understand how to deal with cats yet… but the cats don’t see it as a problem… they love him. Anyway… I don’t think my dad really wants to take care of Jack… so I might see if I can find a home for him. I wish he’d give him more of a chance, but I don’t think my dad wants to give him as much attention as Jack would like. He’s fine if they’re outside and more independent. So maybe we can get him to be outside… but I think he has issues with his hearing and sight that just makes him scared to be out there surviving. So I wanted to continue on my entries yesterday. I feel like I have to continue repeating myself but I don’t know when or if people are reading this they are reading any entry before or just the last one. So I’m trying to explain how my Awakening happened initially but also how I am integrating the transformation. It’s not what I expected or thought… but in a way it is, but it’s hard to explain. I guess I didn’t mention that I didn’t know I was going to be experiencing this breakthrough moment. I thought there would be a chance and I wanted to, but I didn’t actually know it was going to happen before it did. usually I would do ceremonies in the Fall… return to integrate in the States… again in the Fall I’ll return to Peru for ceremony… repeat the cycle. Now when I started preparing for my dieta I was drawn to draw again. I love to draw but since my deliberation into my spiritual journey I had placed it to the side to focus on other issues I needed to address from the messages I received in ceremony. I drew what I call a shamanic yantra. A power source to help visualize what I want to create on my spiritual journey. I was working construction at the time and so I wasn’t able to put a lot of time in except after work so it took a few months for me to finish. During ceremonies I learned how to activate the piece and I remember when I was finished I would keep it near me in ceremony… again to see if i could activate it at all, but all to see what would happen if i was drawn to engage with it. There was one ceremony after it finished I did find myself almost thinking there were so many more messages in this shamanic yantra that i wasn’t conscious I was doing. I do create with a lot of symbolism in mind but there was another layer I was understanding that I wasn’t conscious of until ceremony. When I was drawing my shamanic yantra I saw them as temporary activated spiritual vision boards in a sense. This was not my final vision of where my spirituality is going to be but what I’m working towards. I figure once I’ve reached this first vision, then I’ll be drawn to create a new shamanic yantra with my new visions and aspirations. I new I was preparing for dieta so I wanted to encourage openness, vulnerability and transparency. I wanted to be ready for my messages and ready to receive them. I drew myself in the nude. My spiritual lover said he noticed one ceremony I had the White Tara dancing above me. I hadn’t heard of who White Tara, a Buddhist goddess, was but what I’ve read there are 21 aspects of the goddess Tara… the White symbolizes maternal compassion, healing, health, and long life. I found images of her and I decided to create myself in her image. White Tara has two regular eyes, a third eye in the center of the forehead, eyes on each of her hands, and eyes on both of her feet. They say this helps her see the suffering and is able to use her power to help. Honestly I could relate to this as I learn my style of healing. I’ve used my hands and feet well many parts of my body to scan the bodies of who I’m sharing ceremony… it does feel like my body parts becomes vessels to detect where to focus my attention that is not detectable from the visible sight of eyes. There area specific areas I’m drawn to work on it might be one place it might be several and again most of the time I don’t know why… I just know that’s what I’m supposed to do for them at that time. Sometimes my guests tell me why they think i focused in certain spots. Sometimes I get channeled messages but I feel I don’t really have to know why I’m healing someone… all I want to be is my fullest potential to help in whatever I can be for that guest. I’ve been building a working knowledge in tantric yoga mostly hatha and a little kriya. At times I’m really in the zone with it and then other times I’m focused elsewhere, but I have a systematic course manual that’s been a jewel to have. The first place i was introduced to Yoga was exactly what I needed. When I went to other yoga studios… it just wasn’t the way I enjoyed Yoga… they moved to much and too fast for my taste… lol… I really like breathe-work… slow deep full breathes and synchronizing my movements with the inhalation, exhalation, and retention is very satisfying. Plus meditation doesn’t seem to be a big part of the yoga I tried… except my introductory classes. That’s where I got the course manual from… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go often and they were encouraging me to become a teacher, but I knew the book would be valuable. I continue to get deeper meanings in the words I read. It’s amazing how much meaning could be in words. How the interpretation deepens with the same words being read at a different state and with more experience under your belt. So yes I want to continue to encourage myself to practice tantric techniques. I placed myself into two positions overlapping each other. One I was sitting in Padmasana (Full lotus pose)… there’s only been a short period of time where I could do this pose, but I know if I allow myself the time and attention I can get there again and more consistently… in that pose my hands were placed in Mahayoni Mudra. “This is a mudra that is widely practiced in tantric circles. The word maha means ‘great’ or perhaps even better in this context ‘supreme’. The word yoni means ‘womb’, ‘source” or ‘origin’. Therefore, this mudra can be called the ‘supreme source mudra’. This is such an important mudra for it symbolizes the unity between the individual and consciousness. It symbolizes the return of the individual to his source, his origin. It is not only a symbol, for this mudra is used to help invoke this realization and experience. It is such a simple looking practice, but it possesses vast power of invocation, if it is done under the correct circumstances.” Saraswati, Swami Satyananda. “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya”.Munger, Bihar, India. Yoga Publications Trust. Binary School of Yoga 1981-reprinted 2004,2006,2007,2009,2013. Pg 378. I was around second grade when I was introduced to this mudra, but I had no clue it was a mudra or a part of yoga. Someone taught it to me and it looked like a lizard or a frog… I would tuck my pinky inside the cavity it creates and then when I would open it’s mouth and have the pinky as a tongue to surprise other kids… get some laughs. I used to do this all the time and so when I was reading through this manual I ran into this mudra I thought it was very interesting. I was wanting to Awaken or reach Enlightenment during my dieta so I thought this mudra was very appropriate. I also want to continue to balance my femininity and masculinity. I used the “Shatkona” from Hindu yantra which represents the union of both the feminine and masculine form. Simply the upward triangle represents the masculine. The downward triangle represents the feminine. They are overlapping to be in union having all qualities. In the second position I created both triangles with my legs and arms to promote unity in a romantic manner as well. In between the apex of the hands I placed a diamond to symbolize faithfulness, innocence, purity, and love. The diamond has brilliance to illuminate the clarity of mind overcoming mental uncertainty. There are 11 rays on the left and 11 rays on the right. 1111 came into my experience after the first round of ceremonies along with the term twin flame. One and one means union… for a 11 to couple with another 11 we each need to be in union with ourselves before we are in union with our twin star or twin flame. Also I was introduced to numerology after the first ceremonies and I ran into master numbers. 11 represents the inspirational teacher. 22 represents the master builder. 33 represents the cosmic parent. These numbers are represented in the shamanic yantra. In the background I have 33 chakra points being lit up and I want to open as many as I can… lol… I also wanted to represent Enlightenment again by adding a glowing halo-ish which many cultures use. I knew I wanted to encourage my growth in my healing Icaros style. It was going to be my first dieta with master plants and I didn’t know if it was going to be plants or trees I was going to be dieting. So I decided to choose a tree.. instead of me being a tree-hugger, the tree is hugging me. I want them to comfort me as I learn. I want them to assist me to enlightenment with their arms hovering around the halo glow. And I’m open to assistance beyond enlightenment with their arms raised in the air. I wanted to not forget the plants that have already been present in ceremonies and i wanted to continue to learn and be thankful for what they’ve already shown me. Ayahuasca root, Chacruna leaves, and Mapacho leaves. I wanted to continue my respect for the king master plant, Mapacho by creating a ring of smoke with some of the spirit animals that I’ve already learned from in ceremony. And I’m open to more. During this time was when we were in the pandemic. I was waiting for the international borders to reopen, but that fall it did not. I guess I needed more time before dieta and so I returned the falling fall. It allowed me to experience more and also more ceremonies to share with others. It was the first time visiting Peru where I was supposed to be limited to three months. I knew I was going to stay longer than the three months… I even went to the immigration office to see what happens if i stay longer. They said I would have to pay a penalty. turns out the charge would be a dollar a day after the three months. I said well ok then… I can handle that charge. So I wasn’t in a hurry to leave… lol… During the dieta with the awakening and also there was a moment where I thought I was designing a logo for my shaman and his retreat, but as I was in the creative process I realized I was using symbolism that represents me and what I want to build. During the delay to return in Peru, I got a chance to think about my entrepreneur ideas… I’ve already mentioned in an earlier post. This was when I was really asking myself do I want to choose profit or nonprofit. I hadn’t thought about a nonprofit… I’m not sure why but I hadn’t. I did a lot of research on how to start a nonprofit, but the concept came as an extension from a business idea I had with holistic centers and retreats I wanted to create. Hmmm…. This is interesting… again I have an idea I thought I was going to talk about but I just let it flow and go… it starts in a direction I wasn’t expecting. Well… I guess I can go into my ideas about the centers and retreats I was thinking about. I’m going to take a quick break and I’ll be ready to see how to explain… lol So grabbed a bite to eat and I guess this is a process to look deeper into what I want to create. How I am experiencing Journaling is I can recall my past and my recent current… lol… but I’m transforming through the process. I happen to be purging a lot with my material possessions. I’m hoping to purge 90% and I’m at 75% probably now. The last part seems to be the challenging because those are the items I really enjoy so I start to come up with reasons on why I should keep it. But most of my reasoning isn’t really applicable anymore. So maybe that’s what I need to do more with these centers and retreats… I feel like I’m trying to create a clean slate because when I was making these decisions in the past I was less conscious then where I am now. So maybe I’ll have a new perspective and approach? I’m uncertain until I go through the process but it seems like it’s a good chance. When I moved out to Colorado I actually had a cousin who had a summer home there. That’s how I learned of the location. She’s a teacher and so am I but she wanted to see if I wanted to partner up on a business together. She had been trying for years to get me to go visit Colorado. She would have my uncle mention it to me and even my dad. It wasn’t until I returned from the first round of Aya ceremonies that they mentioned it again during the holidays and I was ready to check it out because I knew I was looking to change things up. I went to this little village after New Years and it took my breath away. This village is nestled in the Rockies with the largest and deepest natural lake of Colorado and two large reservoirs connected to it. The village well like the downtown strip is only about a mile long. During the winter there is not a ton of tourists. So when I visited it was like a ghost town. I saw all the shows and restaurants, but most of them were closed for the winter. So the appearance of a secluded mountain town started the appeal. The snow covering the mountain tops and the trees and the lakes… it felt like a postcard or a fairytale. There’s a few times while I lived there and was driving or walking around did I start to tear up because I get overwhelmed with the beauty there. She took me to the building she wanted to rent out and it was the oldest business building in the village. The business which was there was a souvenir shop… most shops are souvenir shops. When I visit somewhere I might grab a small souvenir but that’s not really what I like to do to remember my time there. But I could see why shop owners would like to sell those items and it seems it’s been successful for a while, but I just don’t see that being sustainable much longer. There are more people wanting to minimize their material possessions and they want experiences to remember not necessarily a trinket to store. My cousin thought we could just create a business similar to what I was doing in Indy which was popular. I told her that that would be good, but I think we could do more. I rode my first snowmobile during this visit. I’ve ridden on the back a few times, but never drove one. It was so much fun… yes my face was literally frozen with a smile while i was hanging out with my cousin’s husband on the snowmobiles. I ended up by myself in the middle of a pasture surrounded by mountains and I decided to call my dad. I was showing him what I was looking at and I remember pulling out one of my cigars and told him… well I guess it’s official… I’m going to be moving out of Indiana. This place is amazing and I want to give it a shot. My cousin was excited. I told her I wouldn’t be able to move until summer to be able to get rid of my belongings and finalize arrangements. At that time I visited some of my Aya familia in Colorado and also in Australia. Once I returned to Indiana to prepare for the move… I started to dive deeper into what we could do with the space. I knew the concept she wanted would be good, but that’s not all I know how to teach and I like variety so I don’t get bored… lol. So fist I was looking more towards what I could teach so mostly art, dance, and yoga was what I was telling her. I had designed floor plans on what we could do with the space where we’d keep existing walls… and then what could happen if we remodeled. About a month and a half of leaving for Colorado my cousin called me up and said that she’s not ready to make that step yet. She was working for an elementary school and even though she wants to start a business one day… she’s sorry she’s not ready to do it now. I told her it was fine, but I’ve got everything lined up to leave and I’m still going to go and give it a chance. Plus my dad and I planned out our road trip to visit some of the brother-friends from our hometown and visit with their families they been creating. It was soooo good to see the guys…we stopped in Illinois, then Kansas City, up to Montana, and finally Idaho before Colorado. We also had a family wedding there. The family spent a few days together and then I had the weekend to stay and be out by Monday. She knew about my two cats, but I didn’t know a few of her family members were allergic or very sensitive. I did a deep clean and sweep of the house. My dad didn’t know how I was going to do it but I remember I went to visit a hotel near where she lived which had a restaurant and bar. I thought I’ll try there first. I’m confident in employment if I get to talk to the boss. And that’s what happened. As we’re talking they said they could use help and when could I start. I said right now… lol… so I started at the front desk and bar assistant. In that weekend I had my feelers out of who I could possibly approach to stay with. I didn’t have money to pay up front, but I already knew I had a job… actually I had a part-time job setup with the owners of the building we were looking to buy too. So I knew I’d have money soon. In those two days I was drawn to the local who was a daily regular at the bar. He was older and somehow someone mentioned he was living alone and he was a bit of a hoarder. He was friendly and so I just got up enough courage to ask him if I could stay at his place and I’d be able to help clean and organize his place. At first I just needed a place to park my van and I said my cats and i can just sleep there, but maybe I’d be able to use his restroom. For some reason the gentleman said yes… so I began my initial experiences in Colorado…. Lol.. now when I was coming up with ideas to partner with my cousin… the thought of making a profit was the option I had and I had some ideas but I also was thinking small scale. The time I was delayed before going to my dieta… I was staying with a friend and her two dogs. We had a great time together, but she saw parts of me she had seen before… lol… She saw my obsessive mode I get into at times. A lot of times it’s when I’m doing my art. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sleep or eat because all I want to do is work on the art until it’s finished… lol… well I got into that mode when I started looking into how to create a nonprofit. It was new so it was really interesting to read about the different aspects of how to setup and run one here in the States. In fact I felt it was a little to specific for me… lol… that’s when I looked into foundations and then even a operating foundation. But I started getting into what I’d like to create. I found the name and at the time I thought I was going to help people in the Awakening process. Different degrees of the awakening process and try to get a variety of ways to attract different people with different interests and different levels of consciousness. I came up with a little slogan A to G to Infinity… where there were pillars I would have as the umbrellas where everything would fall under. Part of the name is my name for this forum… withinUverse… So that would be included as the pillar titles. (Geesh apologizes but something I was remembering in my dream last night… there was something about changing my name… I wonder if that means this nonprofit? Interesting… anywho) The pillars are withinuverse “A”wakens, “B”ecome withinuverse, withinuverse “C”reates, “D”iscover withinuverse, withinuverse “E”ducates, “F”orm withinuverse, and withinuverse “G”rows. (I already know that I liked this name, but now with the emphasis on You or U is not accurate anymore… lol… you is exclusive and I don’t want to put an emphasis on something I’m going to help promote to change. I had the U like that because I was switching up the spelling of universe… into inuverse, but the name for the last business I was wanting to use was withinnergy… so it ended up withinUverse). Briefly I’ll try to explain the big picture of the pillar… Awakens uses mystical and shamanic techniques to inspire us to discover our Truth of Awakening. Become uses spiritual purification, integration work, tantric practices, and reprogramming to embodying our Truth. Creates uses huge list of arts to connect to universal flow to express ourselves as individuals and as a collective. Discover uses investigation in ancient civilizations and modern technologies to serve together to reach dynamic solutions. Educates is for everyone, but this will be more geared towards the youth. Yes there is theory, but training is paramount… and the focus is for them to learn how to think not what to think. Form uses the sustainable and conscious focus understanding all the symbiotic relationships which should be included when design Universal communities. Grows was going to be a subsidiary corporation for possible philanthropy and investments in individuals and organizations to promote the elevation of consciousness in their field of expertise. So to make it easier to understand I’ll try to use a general example. Let’s say we are setting up a retreat for guests to participate… wait before then I feel like I have to give a little more background… lol… so to be involved with these retreats people are pretty much committing to making a huge effort into understanding where they are and where they want to grow. I want things to be documented so people can see their progress. I’m not really interested in a one time visitor. I’m looking to build relationships which will take commitment. Obviously I cannot force anyone to continue but there maybe a way to weed out people who aren’t really that serious. But i don’t want to be exlusive so maybe just let things be because regardless they’ll be learning what they can when they can at the pace they can. But yes… this isn’t set in stone just ideas i have. I would like people to write or make a video of where they are and what they’re looking forward to experiencing before they arrive. I’d say a minimum of a two week retreat. As they are there they continue the documenting of their progress until they have a final response of the retreat… how do they feel now and what’s the same and what’s different. I know I want to be effective and so the more data I receive the more I’ll understand if the process is working or if it needs to be adjusted. I love flexibility because I know being stubborn and stuck is not growth or elevation. I’m going to be making mistakes as much as I want to start out as perfectly as I can… once it really starts going we’ll see where areas need more work and maybe drop other areas completely. At the end I also want them to give their reviews on the retreat and on their teachers. Again there are many factors into play and I know reviews are just one way, but if I could get feedback on 90% of guests that would be valuable to have to know how to continue to build. The teachers I want to hire are going to have responsibilities as well. They will have the similar documented personal progress like the guests, but I also want to ask more from them too. They aren’t going to be just coming to teach their classes at their specific time slots or whatever… but I want them to be students of each teacher that is there. I know how versatile teachers are and the more experience of the different techniques there are out there to learn the more beneficial for each teacher. And as a teacher the desire to learn is important as well… so they will be writing reviews on each teacher there. Constructive, conscious reviews to help each other see each other from different perspectives. I’d like them to review the retreat as well. I’d like a 100% rate from teachers… almost mandatory… lol… I would like the retreat to have staff that is also observing the classes and teachers and be able to give feedback. Maybe we will have a group who’s filming the process and has lists of the students in which class and able to begin in visual video journeys using our and the individual’s documentation. As the retreat or withinuverse… I’d like to be able to have a session or sessions afterwards to discuss the data they found for themselves and also what we observed too… guests and teachers. Be able to give them a video documenting their retreat experience. The members of withinuverse will be able to discuss all that was learned from that one retreat to better organize and run the next one. I’m obsessed with learning so in all aspects that I can’t even think of I’d like to learn more. If I’m able to have two weeks I could organize it that the staff will be not only observing but participating in the classes too. Also we’d be able to get permission from guests and teachers if we want to use their footage of their experience to have a overview of what that particular retreat was like for promotional material for our website or social media too. Of course I’m hoping the most powerful way to promote is positive word of mouth. So what are these retreats… now I’ll say to keep it simple we can each of the pillars has many options under that umbrella. If we choose one or two specific areas from each pillar that can create a retreat. Or another way to put it too is the Wellness Wheel. I used to use this technique to help me focus on areas I needed to work on to create more balance in my life. This isn’t exactly what I’m saying but maybe it can give an idea of what I’m trying to say…. There are several areas in life people experience. We can choose on or two teachers from each area… as an example if you don’t know the wellness wheel… I created my own wheel but a general one on line might have financial, environmental, emotional, physical, occupational, social, intellectual and spiritual areas… so having a teacher from each category to create a retreat. The idea is to have classes that people are going to find enjoyable… at least a few if not half of them which would be great, but then the other half would be areas they don’t know about or are uncomfortable with which is also great. It’s not easy to put yourself in uncomfortable situations but to change and learn… that’s what we have to do, but we don’t have to be doing it the whole time. But that’s what they are going to be observing within themselves. What the same between a class I’m comfortable with and a class I’m uncomfortable with. If we focus on the uncomfortable class… how did I feel the first class to when I finished that class two weeks later? Was there a difference or not? I cannot help myself but I’m sure each retreat will have creative art classes, dance classes, yogic classes, music classes and outdoor classes… I absolutely love them and find them so valuable in so many ways. There are so many different classes that can come from these areas too… but the retreat won’t be limited to these only… just these will be included in each retreat to start with a number of other classes. If data and responses shows to switch it up then we can make those decisions. but my gut says to at least start that way. Also when it comes to the retreat… guests, staff, and teachers are going to be helping in service of the collective. I don’t think I want to hire staff just to clean and cook. I’d like to setup a rotation for everyone there to be involved in these tasks. Different groups will be responsible for cooking for the group, maybe a different group will help with cleaning the dishes… after each class we clean up after ourselves. If there’s laundry to do maybe we can wash our clothes, our bedsheets and towels together. The staff maybe be responsible for the initial setup and the official breakdown, but during the retreat we’re all going to pitch in and help. If we can build centers in amazing locations throughout the world would be great. But maybe we want to be more portable and visit amazing locations for the retreat but then leave afterwards. Actually if we go and visit locations a part of the retreat might be designed to get to know the locals… maybe find opportunities to volunteer somehow. Possibly our outdoor classes can involve local guides through their homeland. I want to allow time for privacy and time to socialize. I’d like some events to be open to children and fur-babies. Have teachers that have different and yet conscious ways to approach youth and animal development. I’d love to have maybe child teachers too. I gained huge benefits by teaching at a young age. I was in elementary when I first started teaching origami in the library and calligraphy at a hospital… lol… certain children when it comes to art are fabulous teachers and if they led a dance class… lol… we might be all trying to move like animals or something… see what ideas they have and encourage them at a young age they can be an example for adults too. I thought maybe part of the design would have a way to do a performance I’m not sure of what kind… it’ll depend on the classes but to put on a demonstration that’s choreographed to show the public what we learned together. Or maybe a one day festival near the end to demonstrate to the public what’s being taught? There are so many possibilities. With foundations they can hold scholarship programs… maybe have the public be able to attend, but then have selected scholarship guests that has added bonuses complimentary to them, but maybe ask them to push themselves a little more then other guests… i don’t know there’s so many options. Maybe people can only get one week paid vacation but if they apply for the scholarship we can pay for the following week so they have an extended vacation that’s not going to hurt their financial situation if they want to participate. Maybe have scholarships to help with passport and visa applications and approvals. Or scholarships to help with travel costs? So that’s what I was leading towards when I was thinking of creating a nonprofit. But I think the first thing to do is find staff. And I already mentioned trying to hire them to be on a more deliberate path to self-mastery. When I hire staff and teachers I want them to be overflowing with energy, focus, and enthusiasm. I want our guests to be surrounded by supporters and influencers. I want everyone to gain value out of our experiences. I’d like to offer a wage that they are able to have ample time to prepare for the retreats and recover. I want my staff to be thriving and exploring their desires in life, but when it’s time to support in an event… that they are ready to give their all to create an unforgettable experience for themselves and everyone involved and hopefully to the public that we share with so they can be a part of the next event. I know I’m still steering in this direction but I’m always up to changing it. I also know the way I thought about shamanism is changing which I hadn’t thought possible. That’s the thing i think is great, but I feel I’m more focused on working on these messages too… lol.. there’s actually a lot more that I’d like to do when I find my abundance. This makes me excited! I’m going to jump back to the community design… I always see the grocery store as the heart of the community… how we serve food to the community is important and what we offer to serve is important. I thought maybe to have a grocery store that is connected to a seasonal garden or greenhouse so people can see what the veggie and plants look like and teach how to grow them. But have it also setup like a home economics class with a ton or cooktops and ovens… where we’d have cooks come in and teach specialty dishes from their families or cultures. We don’t throw away food if it’s getting to a point before it spoils of coming up with creative recipes for people to make with these items and have them at a discount or something. Plus working at a small grocery store I loved how much variety they had, but also if I ran my own grocery I’d be teaching techniques so people can specialize at ther homes. An example would be pickles… lol… We’d have dill, bead and butter, sweet pickles that were just cut differently as options. We can have easy and fun ways to prep food… how to cut pickles in all the different standard ways and maybe even artful ways. But then how to do we make them different flavors? Have classes and different spices so people can learn how to make their own pickles at home if they wanted to. Just similar ideas like that. Another thing I thought about doing for a community design is equipment libraries… lol… yes we can have a standard library but what if we had well selected group of equipment that one family or person doesn’t necessarily use all the time. Most of the time it’s just sitting around in the garage not being used. Could we pitch in to purchase these items and then have a schedule to be able to use this equipment when we need to and the equipment will be in more use because several people are sharing it instead of everyone having their own. If there needs to be repairs to the equipment we can have classes on how to fix it… lol… or if we need to replace it… it’s doesn’t have to come out of one person or one families pocket. Equipment is a very broad term but again depending on the community can determine what kind of equipment that people would like to have available to use that we might not think to purchase ourselves but if a group pitched in then we’d definitely put it to use. I’d love to bring more attention to apprenticeship opportunities for the youth to be involved with. Even somehow providing more opportunities for them to learn outside of a book and in application. lol… ok…. I’m just rambling now different thoughts all over the place… lol.. you might be thinking that’s what you do all the time, but i can tell a difference when I’m grasping the air and when I’m in a flow state. I’m getting tired… so this will be a good time to break

I'm not sure what it is... but there's something different about purging right now. I've been doing a lot of work through issues of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty of my unconscious decisions... and I've also very honest with people I speak with especially if they're open to going deep into conversations... but right now... now it feels like I'm trying to search what else I want to purge out on this Journal because I feel soooooo much lighter... I realize where I am and how I am processing is at an elevated state so that's possibly why it feels like I'm finally purging them out... really we all have stories of the past that we are going to be purifying our self-judgement to be able to create new conscious stories. There are still stories I know i've been holding back because they involve others and I haven't gotten their permission to disclose the details... I'm trying to see how I can focus on my part of it to be able to purge it without having to disclose too much... we'll see how it goes. I know I'm not technically naming names, but how I describe the situation could lead people to pretty darn close guesses if you knew me. But again... I'm purging the embarrassment, the shame, and guilt of carrying these in and I'm not blaming anyone involved. That's the thing... none of us need to be embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty.... but I don't know where they are in this healing so I can see some who might be upset because they aren't ready to move past our decisions when we are unconscious. So I want to continue to remind anyone reading this... this is my views and I don't want to demonize myself or others for our actions. It's the best we could do at the time and at our levels of consciousness. In the past I didn't realize I was looking back at my decisions and judging myself negatively because I had more experience to understand more and my level of conscious decision making was increasing... looking back at a less developed version of myself. Less developed is not a bad thing... it's just the case of living a life of growth. So there was an area of my life that I know I would still like to purge more. My personal intimate relationships... especially what I chose to do to end my thirteen-year relationship. The thing was I thought I was trying everything to avoid that choice, but I couldn't see any alternative working... I felt desperate... and I chose to do it and I knew how hard it was going to be for him and myself (actually I didn't know because I hadn't done it before... but I guessed the worst)... but I did it anyway... because at that time I didn't know of another option that would be effective. I want to continue with from what I already been sharing. I had those situations with my family members and when I was in middle school I found out how much I was allowing me to feel embarrassed about it and also I felt even more angry about it all too with how society viewed me and those situations. I think it was even hindering me from exploring myself sexually... i didn't know how to masturbate and it felt like I shouldn't be doing it either. I can't remember all the details of how I was feeling but I know at had to be at one point that it felt pleasurable to have pressure around my vagina. Again I'm sure I didn't realize exactly why it felt pleasurable I just wanted to do it more because of the sensations. But i know I also wanted to do it secretively. I'm sure it began in elementary... but middle school it seemed more maybe... maybe because of puberty and also having sexual education classes and also just being around friends who were curious about it all too. Lol... I was being raised mostly by my father and brother. I remember when I first started my period I didn't really know what to do and I was embarrassed I started... lol... my brother was saying how I'm acting weird and my dad was trying to get him to stop picking on me... and he said... what are you on the rag or something... lol... I'm not sure why it's called that but anyway... i just burst into tears and ran into the bathroom to get away from the conversation.... yes I was on the rag and it was my first time. I put toilet paper wadded up in my underwear and I already had a girlfriend that I hung out with and I felt comfortable talking with her and her mom and they helped me out. She had already started and they showed me how to use a tampon and pads. They already had some at their house and so I didn't have to ask my dad to buy me any supplies... lol... anyway I knew I was attracted to guys... and I knew I was curious what sharing a kiss and touching each other would feel like. I remember a boyfriend who I had known for a long time as friends and we were at his house and it was obvious he wanted to kiss me, but I wasn't ready and I think I was just scared. He was trying to scoot closer to me and finally I told him to stop being a pervert. Geesh! I know that wasn't the right thing to say but again I didn't know any better. I remember when I first saw my exe of thirteen years... he didn't know i existed but he stood out to me. I was the wrestling coaches daughter and when I would go to practice and meets... I'd gawk at him thinking he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen... lol... there were two coaches and he was dating the other coaches daughter... they were the same age and I thought she was the luckiest girl alive. His brother was one of my friends who I considered a "brother"... he was friends with my friends since childhood and we all just clicked together. when his older brother (my exe) moved into town... how I felt about him was definitely different than anyone else. He started to hang out with us from time to time so I got to know him a bit more. And he noticed off the back how I looked at him that I was interested and we actually dated for a short time. I put so much pressure on myself though... He was older and I assumed he had been a lot more sexually experienced than I was... that it wasn't fair for him to be with me... lol... I figured I'd need to get more experience before I tried to date him again. So that's what I did... lol. When I was with my girlfriend it was easy for us to find dates... she had more experience than me too but I still had raging hormones going on so I started my make out stages with guys. A lot of the time in the same room together. I think one of my first ones when I drank for the first time. We ended up outside rolling in the snow kissing each other... but I ended up getting sick on myself and one of my brother-friends literally had to change my top for me so I wasn't going to be sleeping in my vomit... geesh! for some reason after middle school I didn't really date anyone in the same grade as I was. I'd date guys a little older but again I kept feeling like they knew more and wanted more than I was ready for. My senior year something inside of me was like... ok you've got to figure out what all this talk is about having sex is all about. But I didn't know how to approach it. How was I going to loose my virginity... lol... I decided I didn't know anyone in town that I wanted to loose my virginity too. I had a friend who moved to a neighboring town and he was handsome and an amazing artist and athlete... he was cool so I thought ok... i'll just ask him. If it's someone out of town maybe the whole school won't have to find out about it. So yeah that's what I did... I called him up and asked him if he had any plans for the night. I said i'd like to hangout and maybe I could even spend the night if it's alright. He said yeah come on over. I can't remember all the details but I'm pretty sure I just told him that i didn't want to be a virgin anymore and I'd like him to be my first. I wasn't trying to date him or act like we were in love. Yes he's attractive but I just wanted to get over the suspense of what sex felt like. He was actually very gentle with me and patient... I know he was on top and I wanted to get on top to see the difference. But he let me sleep over and we hugged before I left. And there it was... I left not being a virgin anymore... and now I felt like I could see why everyone talks about it. A few months later I attracted a younger guy who I thought would be a fun partner... we've known each other since little league baseball... lol.. and once we started dating we were like bunnies. We'd find as many times we could to have sex with each other. Oh my I even remember my brother walking in on us once and I freaked out grabbing all the sheets to run behind my door so my boyfriend at the time was just laying there covering his junk with my brother shocked and just shut the door... lol... before I left for college my boyfriend wanted to not have to deal with a long distance relationship and I honestly agreed because I was going to be meeting new guys that I might be interested in. But I would return to hangout with my brother-friends on some of the weekends and there my exe came back into my sites again. He was fooling around with another girl at the time and so I didn't think to make a move, but I wanted to... I thought I had enough relationship experience to have a more equal balance... and he is a great guy not only attractive... he has a huge heart, so kind, and so relaxed... we had so many great memories. So probably mid-semester of my freshman year in college we started dating again. He was the first person I said I love you to... and he said he returned the love. lol... I remember it slipped out when I was on the phone with him and freaked out and hung up on him... lol... I was just clueless but it's fun to look back at it. We moved in together my sophomore year, and we even moved to Arizona together so I can take some Interior Architecture classes for three semesters. We were inseparable. People didn't mention one of our names without saying both our names together. It just felt like this was the one... and because I saw my dad's history of relationships... I wanted mine to be different. If I love him, then I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it work. So I was 18 when we started, and I was 31 when we ended. We had a ton of maturing to go through and so there was a ton of ups and downs. There was many factors at play... I didn't know how needy we were to have someone to love even if it wasn't lovely most of the time... especially towards the end. I felt like I didn't want to continue for years actually. I was struggling because I was needy but also another part wanted to find something different. I would mention what I was disturbed about. I thought he wasn't as ambitious as I was. I loved learning and exploring what my interests were. I'd always ask him what he's passionate about... and what does he want for his future. At the time he only wanted to be a father. I found pregnant women attractive and he wants to be a father. This was really good for him to express that because at the time I already told him I didn't want to have a family. Yes when I was younger I did, but I knew how toxic we could be and I did not want to bring children into our relationship to make them toxic too. It's not like we didn't have a ton of love to share with them either, but that toxicity terrified me. So that actually came a really poignant aspect that I didn't want to share that experience with him. All he wants is to be a dad, and at the time... I did not want to be a mother. I told him... how can this continue to work? I also blamed him for me not going after dreams I wanted to go after. I know it wasn't his fault, but I still blamed him... he never stopped me from going to college but when I dropped out I just focused on working for money. And I knew that wasn't satisfactory for me... I didn't care about money that much to do whatever... I anticipated that most of my life is going to be at work... I wanted better job opportunities but I didn't apply myself when I was with him. There were times where I could see he was uncomfortable in things I liked and so I thought it best to make him comfortable. Also I felt we were more like best friends than lovers. I remember trying to suggest trying new things in the bedroom... which I wasn't comfortable asking because I didn't want him to feel bad, but I thought there could be more in the bedroom. It's hard to say this but I never had a full-blown body and emotional orgasm. The orgasm became this thing people talked about and I wanted to know what they were experiencing. I mean we had fun and I'm excited but the finale for me wasn't an orgasm. I think I was getting obsessed with it too... I was almost thirty and i felt like it was maybe something impossible for me to do. I didn't know how much pressure I was putting on myself and also how much tension i was carrying in my body. I was forcing to get it to come and that wasn't working but I didn't know what else to do. We had a brief separation period and i bought my first vibrator. I liked it but i still sucked at masturbation too... i don't want to take my time or something... i just want to get it over with... lol... so I didn't really use it much because I thought i just wasn't capable of having an orgasm. We reunited for a year... year and a half.. and I eventually showed him I got a vibrator. He decided to use it with me one night and literally my cum shot across the room I was getting so excited with him using it on me. That never happened when I was by myself plus I get excited when my partner gets excited and yeah I wasn't expecting that but it did give me encouragement... lol But even though our bedroom time was spicy up... I wasn't happy with myself and I knew I didn't want to continue a romantic relationship with him any longer. It was really hard because I knew he was a great guy, but I also knew he was no longer my guy. I'd try to point out why we shouldn't be together and that wasn't reason enough. I thought if I was a complete bitch to him.. there would be no way he'd want to continue to be with me... and that didn't work. I knew there was only one thing I could do that he would never forgive me for... I was loyal when we were together. But to be able to get out of this relationship I'd have to break my loyalty... which again I knew was going to crush him... but I also knew it was going to crush me too... but again I was desperate. I wasn't strong enough to just leave... I wanted him to agree that we weren't good for each other. And if I cheated on him... he'll finally see that I'm not good for him. And that's what I decided to do because that's where I was at the time. It was the first night I didn't return home. I didn't call him and I went to my families the next day... I allowed time for everything to sink in. I called him and told him what I did and that we've got to breakup. We can't continue this relationship anymore. Of course he was furious and pretty much everyone I knew was upset with my decision... even the ones I've been trying to get help on how to leave. No one could believe I would do that to him. I felt like shit and I knew it was going to take a long time to recover from this. In fact I went through a time where I just was having casual sexual encounters because I just didn't give a fuck anymore. I felt really unworthy to have a relationship... so I'll just keep it physical. But I knew that's not what I really wanted. I really wanted to find the one who I can share my soul, my intelligence, my emotions, my whole world with. That was 10 years ago and I know I've been trying and trying to heal that decision I made. I've definitely looked back and had judged my decision. I reached out a few times to apologize. Actually, when I was traveling Peru last year I noticed that he started to watch some of my IG stories. I felt so excited, because I thought maybe he'll actually read my apology now... maybe he's ready to listen to me now. He has married and he met her not too long after we separated. We're from a small town so I can still keep track of him through social media... I was excited for him and I hoped he found someone who could really love him for him. I noticed his sisters and brother having children... and I keep looking from time to time to see if they have a bundle of joy coming... but nothing. While I was in Peru I wrote to him again... and explained myself and how much I still love him... not as a lover but as a sister-friend... I really care about his happiness and I mentioned how I still wait to hear the good news you guys will be pregnant... I know that's all you really want in life and I know you're going to get your wish. I'm not sure but maybe two months after I messaged him I saw his wife post that they were pregnant. I can't explain how happy and excited I was for them especially him. Finally.... it's finally going to happen for him. I was back in Indiana when his son was born. So he's still an infant and it's really satisfying knowing that our separation worked out the best for both of us. I can admit that now I've gained enough experience and consciousness and purified a shit ton of my toxicity out that I am open to raise a family. It crept up on me during the second round of ceremonies. I was given a gift to get a feeling of having a child growing in my womb. It was phenomenal and I remember just crying with joy and relief... it was like a signal that the work I'm doing on myself is working... infinite intelligence has known my love for children. Growing up I thought I was going to have so many children that I'd just name them one, two, three... but using different languages as their names... lol... it was a joke but I really thought I'd be an amazing mother... but when I saw how my behavior was so unhealthy and my mental state... it did terrify me and I gave up hope for ever becoming a mother and that was just something I assumed would be the case for me. But when I was in that ceremony... my true desire to have and raise a child came out so strongly inside of me out of nowhere... it was like i was unconscious that this was a desire that was hidden to me. And ceremonies are so powerful! I've had quite a few by now but still for awhile I think these messages are just going to happen quickly... but each time I know it doesn't work like that. It gives me insights and inspiration, but I have to change my conditioning, integrate more of my authenticity, and continue the work to be able to manifest... but again it's so hard for me to ground after ceremonies sessions... i get so excited and I can't control myself reaching out and expressing my feeling and desires... with this example I'd reach out to my spiritual lover to see how he's doing. I stopped trying to give him all the details I get about him, but I still have a little hope that maybe he'd be ready to get to know me on a deeper level. And I'd always get the conformation that he's not. He's patient with me though... I think he knows that I'm going to be reaching out when I'm doing ceremonies... again it's just so powerful and i'm so hopeful that i just can't stop myself. These last rounds of ceremonies were the most intense especially the ones when I was alone with Aya... and they were crazy to me so of course I sound crazy to anyone I speak about with. He was worried about me and wanted me to get psychiatric help... lol... which would be something I could expect from him, but when I heard his opinion it really triggered me. I would react to my trigger and of course regret it. When I returned to Indiana and I was in isolation I wanted to reach out and apologize for my unconscious reaction... but i thought maybe i'm just making it a bigger deal than what he took it for. He means more to me and so when I say things because i'm upset I regret it. It doesn't happen often but because it still happens... I'm still not ready for the relationship I'm wanting to create. I want to be conscious when I'm feeling upset. I'm sure those moments will come up, but I want to respond consciously not reactionary. There's a difference. I know that and I know I'll continue to get better. I see signs with other relationships I'm invested in. I'll continue to be more conscious. Well... I guess I can continue with my development with my sexuality. I receive many messages in ceremony of all aspects of my life personally and universally, but sexually... it comes up too! If you've ever looked up how to prepare for Aya ceremonies many will suggest that you should abstain from sex and masturbation before ceremony. So I did that before my first sessions. At the end of the last ceremony I found myself more open to explore myself in a different way than I've tried before. lol... literally sex is something I'm trying to heal and ceremony knows this... and so it was getting me into a state to be comfortable exploring myself and it wasn't trying to reach orgasm... just enjoying the act of creating pleasure for myself without guilt, embarrassment, or shame. I felt so loved and I felt like I'm on a journey to be able to be healthier. It's not like I masturbate often... lol... it's still a rare occassion but sometimes near the end of a ceremony I feel able to explore more and I feel so safe when I get those opportunities. It's a pleasant surprise because again I've just got use to surrendering and whatever I'm supposed to be learning I allow it to come to me without prior expectations. I've even gotten messages of group sexual healing... like society's perspective on sex hasn't just affected me, but many people. I'm not the only one who is trying to heal this part of them. I ran into that when I was leading ceremonies in the States and in Peru. These ceremonies aren't with Aya, but I found a combination of psychedelics which I feel can help people get a better understanding of how an Aya ceremony would be like. Just a taste really because these are for shorter durations compared to an Aya session. And it's not exactly but similar. I thought I'd be able to convince people to go to the jungle with me, but that's not an easy task at all... lol... not even for people who are Shipibo... lol... most of their culture revolves around Aya but majority of the people I've met don't participate in ceremony... many are scared of it... which is really surprising to me. But anyway in these ceremonies I start off with Bufo... I deal with a lot of people who haven't used psychedelics before. So I love introducing them to psychedelics with Bufo. We might get a little visuals, but that's not how Bufo communicates usually during my ceremonies. It's an emotional experience felt through the body and the mind calms the chatter down. It's very powerful! For me these experiences that we can meet are glimpses of what Awakening feels like. It's getting to a point where I don't really feel like I'm taking anything anymore with Bufo... that's just how I'm becoming. But also Bufo seems to allow us to feel unconditional love for ourselves. We see the beauty of ourselves. and sometimes that expression can come out in a sexual manner. It doesn't happen all the time... when it came during Bufo sessions only two men I was working with did it come to a sexual direction. And with both of them I was enjoying the experience and I just do my thing like normal... I'm usually pretty active when I'm using psychedelics... but with both I knew there was a message that involved their sexual healing. I would talk to them like a channel and they would stop me to ask me to kiss them. I knew I didn't want to kiss them and I would remind them that this is not why we share ceremony... we can continue the session without having to come to that. But they're being so open and honest with me and how much they've wondered what it would be like to kiss me that I would have to disclose if we continue with actually kissing this does not mean we are going to continue after this session. This is not where I want our relationship to lead. I make sure they agree they understand and then we share a very intimate kiss together... and i'll channel in some helpful suggestions for them with their partners... that's the funny part... it's still teaching... but as I'm saying it to them I also know the message is for me too. Usually it's to slow down. take our time... there's no rush regardless of the intense excitement... taking it slow and really enjoying every nuance of what a kiss can be... and how intimate a kiss can be. I've already mentioned working with a couple who had sexual lessons during Bufo too... It happened to be a very close girlfriend of mine...the one I mentioned earlier when we were younger, we'd date together and experiment while in the same room at times growing up. We never experimented with each other or in group sessions, but during our Bufo session... I know how comfortable I am with her and with her husband and they trust and are comfortable with me. This wasn't our first Bufo together either... in fact i'm so comfortable I'm open to do more with them... but yeah there was a teaching moment at the beginning... I would give her suggestions to do for him and I'd give him suggestions to do for her... we'd be able to wrap around each other and I learned for myself and for my future partner too. But as I said it got to a point where I knew I can leave and let them play with each other while I leave the room. It's really beautiful! lol... I guess I'll go ahead and say the more flexible everyone is the more possibilities are available. So in case you didn't hear I setup my guests as thoroughly as possible before they share ceremony with me. I know whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen whatever the ego's interpretation as good or bad. Every ceremony is unique and so I always say we cannot know beforehand what's going to happen, but I'll list the possibilities I've experienced so far. I'm not sure if that's the proper way to do it, but that's how I seem to be comfortable with. I take my time... in fact there are two couples and two gentlemen who has approached me since I've been back in Indiana about ceremony. I told them I'm not certain if I or them are ready but lets just start the conversations and see where they go. Most of our talks were around the Christmas and new year time. They all say they are ready, but I had to admit I wasn't ready to share with them. And I'm not certain whether I'll be ready this time round or not, but I'll let them know if anything changes. If they have any questions still, please don't hesitate to ask... and I'm available to have more conversations... just not ceremonies at this time. I get this from time to time where they ask if I could just give them the supplies for ceremonies so they can do it on their own. I tell them I'm not a dealer... I'm not a recreational user... I'm very serious and intentional... I use my full attention, time, and energy in ceremonies... I don't half-ass it... in the past I was just looking for people to share because not many people were even interested. Now it seems there's a lot of people interested, but i'm getting more selective with whom I share ceremony with. I also find myself giving the supplies for guests to do solo sessions after I've done enough ceremonies with them and see how they are responding and comfortable for them to do more self-exploration. I honestly have supplies now that I don't know what to do with because I'm not particularly drawn to share right now. But I feel that might change... I'm not sure. But I want to mention because of those occurrences with a sexual note to ceremony and where I found I was actually participating made me scared. I know I respect people deeply but I want to respect myself too. I felt bad when those guys asked me to join them more than words and Bufo... I know I felt that I didn't want that to continue... I don't want to kiss on guys who want me to kiss them. It doesn't matter that I make sure they know that's not what I want to continue to do and it's just a lesson... I just don't want to be involved with my guests in that manner. Sex of course can come up for healing but I want to be more conscious of other options of helping without doing something I don't want to participate in. And again I know what happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and even if my reaction was I don't want to do that... it's a message for me. And the message wasn't as clear until I had my Awakening experience with my shaman during my dieta... it showed me how I continue to underestimate the degrees of development in people and that I blindly trust situations even when a part of me is wanting to be cautious. Awakening or enlightening isn't what we "think" it is. Again it's impossible to imagine unless we go through the experience, but it doesn't stop us from trying to explain what we went through. Again each of us will be unique. I've been working on this deliberately for five years and I finally got to that point I was working towards... but it wasn't a fairytale story... yes parts of it was... and I know it's perfect, but people get that misinterpreted as well. While I was experiencing it I, the ego would not describe it as perfect because I was still learning and healing because my experience was during Aya ceremonies. Which I'm grateful for the lessons I receive but again I can look back and judge myself if I didn't know I wasn't conscious enough to make other decisions than what I did. Through this Journal process I was able to organize my thoughts for clarity even though it may not be the same as your experience of my words. I am able to recontextualize my ceremonies... Who we share ceremony with be lessons for us to share. Because we don't know what Awakening is before we Awaken... the mind comes up with stories that we've heard from other's who've been through it. We may not understand the words are an interpretation and not your truth because you haven't experienced your truth of Awakening yet. Once you do.. you'll know you're truth. For me I didn't become what an ego would say a perfect person. But let's see if I can set it up a little bit more... what lead up to the moments of Awakening. And just to continue to try to connect what I had mentioned earlier... During ceremony it feels instantly, but I have to change my conditioning, integrate more of my authenticity, and continue the work to be able to manifest Awakening. So I'm more Awake now than the moment I'm going to describe. This Journal is one part of the integration process. I became truly aware of my conditioning of being embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and why the conditioning occurred. I'm aware that the more I purge this out of my system the spiritual purification will open me up to my authentic self without embarrassment, shame, or guilt. It's now apparent I'm creating counterconditioning. Conscious to replace the conditioning with my authentic self's direction instead. Awakening is not the apex for me now... it's honestly like the real beginning of my authentic self to be expressed... authenticity without the embarrassment, shame, or guilt I was carrying before... with this removal process it allows possibilities I couldn't imagine before when i was still carrying my conditioning around. Well I could imagine but I was blocking myself from those visions, and I'm getting ready to unblock myself. I know my imagination will continue to mature and blossom... so I'm open to see how the magic really works. Our consciousness will continue to mature as well... that's just the nature of who we are. So this is challenging for me, because again this involves someone who has been paramount in my spiritual development... my shaman i've shared the most ceremonies with. Just like most of my spiritual influencers it's not necessarily the words and actions that teach me, but what my response is to what they are saying and doing. Ultimately my consciousness is influencing my spirituality. What I want to share about my experience I realize is going to be interpreted from some of us who are less conscious and will judge and label his and my actions as "wrong" or "bad". I wouldn't blame you because I was saying the same thing while it was happening. Even afterwards, but again I'm recontextualizing in my integration process to have a larger perspective of the events. But whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to be... I had lessons to learn other than Awakening... Awakening is not a destination point! I'm going to help us Awaken too and I have a better understanding how to approach it in a more conscious way than the way I approached it for myself. That's what I do at times... jump off the cliff... put myself on the frontline... I know I'm going to learn from all of my experiences, and I want to figure out ways to make it a bit easier for us, the collective I'm drawn to share with. We'll attract each other and I'm excited for it too! I wish I had the words to explain how much love I have for us all... and how excited i am for us... we are so beautiful... the universe is so beautiful and intelligent... we can help each other experience this truth. It's already happening if we are conscious. So my first ceremony with this shaman and also his female partner. From the beginning I knew they were family. Based upon my experience of my family I knew that there's going to be ups and downs but ultimately I'm ready to trust we're going to figure things out in the long run. He is exceptional in his ceremonial development. His ceremonies are extremely powerful and effective. But I also knew that he needs more work in his heart space at least in his identity outside of ceremony. So it was easy for me to look for other shamans to learn from as well... and it showed me a variety of styles of how shamans in Peru hold ceremonies... and it's still a very limited sample. But enough for me to get a sense that the idea that shamans can be simply defined is not possible... and we're not without our own spiritual work ourselves. We might have an ability that seems to connect easier in ceremony and strong degrees of desire to help, but this ability I feel could be developed with anyone who wants to put the energy, focus, and time into it. So this shaman was working for western retreats the first ten ceremonies I shared with him. He knew what the owners were able to charge for these retreats and so he wanted to create that opportunity for himself as well. He started building his own center on his land outside of his village. There were three to four people building the maloka which took them three years to build. They're still in progress of building in the center, and I hope to assist when I can. When I asked him about the dieta I got the basics and asked what would be the charge. To me his first suggestion was too much for me to accept. I had asked another shaman and his price was even higher. So I returned to this shaman and said ok... let's go forward. I'll send over the payment and determined what was all going to be included with the price. Of course he agreed and was looking forward to my return to the center. I arrived with my little buddy and he was there to greet us and we headed to the city to stay the night at a hotel and to take the public boat in the morning to his village. It's pretty common working with shamans outside of a retreat setting... where they assume you're going to pretty much pay for everything. I was a little hesitant in situations to see if he would offer to pay at any time, but at first there was no hint of offering to pay. It was expected for me to pay. And at the beginning I was willing to pay for our hotel, food, and transportation. The cost of that for the States would be less than $20 for all of it... so technically that's not that bad to pay for it. We also needed to stop and buy a bed for me. I already agreed I'd pay for a bed since the dorms were not built and staying in the maloka for three months. I'll want a bed instead of just a hammock. That's what we slept on last time I visited but only for a few days so that wasn't too much for me. He did purchase some water, gas, and some food before we left the city. We arrived and I started setting up my little area. He setup his area next to me. This was my first dieta and I heard that there was going to be a lot of solo time so I wasn't sure if he'd actually be sleeping in the same area as I was. Well he was with me most of the time... he was building and would visit the village but I even got to the point where I thought I could use more privacy than what I got, but at first I didn't think anything about it. The first night I did not participate in ceremony. Traveling six hours by boat and then setting up our areas wouldn't give us enough time to prepare for ceremony. The second night was going to be our first Aya ceremony. During my fist night I had vivid dreams that disturbed me. While I was having them my mind started thinking possibly we were going to have trouble with other shamans who didn't like I'm there with him. lol... I even entertained the idea there might be a "brujo" which has a negative connotation... a bad shaman or witch might be involved. I don't really believe in brujos... I already know it depends on their conscious level and not dealing with their shadow side, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night trying to cleanse my space and his space and even chuckling to myself how shook up I was getting about the dream... I just need to relax. So what happened in the dream? There were two dreams. the first one I was inside the maloka and it seemed like I was practicing magic. At first it seemed like I was by myself and then someone joined me and tried to push me to do more. All of a sudden it was like I was being attacked and I was trying to defend myself. My magic wasn't as strong as what I was going against and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop from losing. The second dream I was in the maloka and I was laying on my bed with the mosquito net around me. I was sleeping and then the mosquito net started to move and started to almost feel like it was suffocating me. It started wrapping around me and I felt like it was arms and hands grabbing me and even groping me inappropriately and sexually... I tried to scream out to my shaman, but I couldn't get my screams out. I woke up after I couldn't scream. I already told my initial thoughts of what I assumed the dream was telling me. But I ended up recontextualizing this dream a few weeks into the dieta. I was warning myself to what I was going to have to deal with during my dieta. These were areas I was going to have to deal with him. He knows he's powerful and he's going to test me. He also has a sexual shadow, and I'm going to be involved in addressing it. What's odd is I kind of knew that these could be issues I could deal with... with this particular shaman, but I didn't come to that conclusion when I had those dreams. I assumed it was someone else. I wanted to trust him and i was overthinking possible negativity that probably doesn't exist except in my mind. After our first ceremony there's a coming down time... it's like Aya is wearing off and we just settling before we go to our beds to sleep. After the very first ceremony... we were coming down he started lay next to me. He asked for a hug and honestly that's not unusual for me... I can be affectionate towards my shamans because i'm so thankful for their guidance and for sharing the experience together. As I gave him a hug he started to ask if he could kiss me. I said no, I apologized and said no I don't want to kiss you. He then continued to ask to have sex with him. He said we can ignore the no sex rule for dieta until tomorrow. I was getting upset now... and I said no sex... no sexo! I told him I'm going to go to sleep and left but technically it's only a few steps away from where we did ceremony. And his space was right next to mine... so I was uncomfortable. The next morning I used my phone to translate to him that I didn't like what he was asking me. I told him I thought of him like a grandfather to me. And that I'm in love with someone already. I'm not interested in having sex with him. I'm here for learning ceremony and I don't want to have this conversation again. He would say that he understood, but it didn't stop there. He wouldn't do it every ceremony, but it was consistent, and I continue to get angry with him when he asked and I go further into the elaboration of my feelings for my spiritual lover and how he's, my heart. I told him I was celibate and I'm waiting to share with my heart. My shaman would explain that he has been celibate since he lost his partner two years earlier. He said that he was attracted to me and since I'm so friendly he thought I liked him back. He said that he thought I was his heart. I told him I'm sorry he lost his partner and he will find another partner, but that partner is not going to be me. Again I'd mention I saw him as a grandfather figure, and he wouldn't want to have sex with any of his family... so look at me as if I was a family member too. I was getting frustrated because he wasn't giving up and if he would just stop the experience would be really good. His family would come and visit with us and I loved that. We were building different projects and make trips into the city to buy supplies. I brought art supplies and was hand sewing a ceremonial blanket. I was designing furniture to make for the two story house we were building. At this time I knew I ran into this situation where my friendliness gets misinterpreted into something more than friendly. To some it only takes a smile... in others it's how comfortable touching people I am... whether it is patting them on a shoulder, or nudging them with my elbow, or a hug. I see it as harmless... especially with him since I do that with every single member of his family males and females alike. I love them and I want to be friendly... I'm not trying to have sex with everyone I'm friendly with. As I'm telling this story... I'm only choosing the part that is focusing on the struggle of the Awakening point but also the lesson that was wrapped into it I was learning. So the entire time... like not every waking moment did I have to deal with him asking me for sex. But I did start being more careful how I was around him. I told him I want to stop hugging him because he's going to take it wrong. And yeah I just had to keep distance that would be interpreted as more than friendly. But again I was there to learn and help so there was a ton of that going on. And I was getting amazing messages in my ceremonies with the master plants and with Aya. Those messages are all leading up to the Awakening and my future, but those messages aren't what I need to purge. This is my purging process, so I don't continue to hold embarrassment, shame and guilt. Again I have to remind everybody... because I went through this I'm going to be better prepared to prevent this from happening again with any of our guests. In fact I told him I'm not going to be sending someone alone to share ceremony with him. I'm going to be with them if someone comes. He's not responsible enough to be alone with guests. He said he wouldn't treat guests like this... he doesn't find them attractive, but I told him there's no way i'm going to send anyone alone to him, especially women. I'm testing where he is at and how he treats me and what i'd like him to work on before I return. I'm still working with this shaman... he's more aware of the areas he needs to work on... and I'm going to test him the next time I see him to see where he's at. I'm going to hope he's doing his work, but I'll find out when I'm back with him. We are going to be sharing ceremony with the world. He will be joining me but he's not ready yet... I'm not either but he really does want to share ceremony with the world. I've heard his beautiful and powerful Icaros he wants to share with the world and it is beautiful, but when he works on his shadow areas... his Icaros are going to intensify and purify even to higher degrees. These are different from his normal Icaros. He's encouraging me to find my own as well... and I'm working on how to create those too. But he's going to be even more amazing as a guide in ceremonies, but again... we still need to heal our shadows... this is what he's learning and myself. He and I have sexual healing work to do... it's different for both of us but it's still something we're working on. Honestly infinite intelligent used him as a vessel to help me understand more to my blindness in sexual situations. I was also used as a vessel so he can understand his blindness too. He's powerful and so am I. We were the perfect pair to work together through this shadow work. It was not a subtle lesson... it's very blunt and very uncomfortable. All of this I would do all over again and again to be at the conscious level i'm at right now. If it wasn't this aggressive with me... I wouldn't stop being so blind. In so many areas... I want to be conscious and sometimes I was so dense that there needed to be some drastic lessons. I didn't choose Aya to Awaken because it was going to be a slow easy ride... hell no... I wanted the quick challenging rollercoaster ride because I knew that was the style I knew would be best for me. But again what i put myself through is not the same I want to put others through. I have extremely high standards in my quality and value in my work... I know most are not like me and I'm designing ceremonies with others in mind, but I'm learning my style and guess what... i'm sure there's going to be a lot of sexual healing that's going to be going on. I cannot be fragile or easily swayed by other's words. I need to heal this within me so I can be a highly conscious guide in ceremony without a shadow in my sexuality... to be an effective healer. That's not my only focus in ceremony but if it comes up i'll be prepared. It's challenging to explain the work and what it takes, but the rewards are absolutely worth it. Most of my ceremonies aren't as challenging as these were, but I'm strong enough to face even the challenging ones. I'm preparing myself to be the best as my potential will allow, and I'm telling you I hit a breakthrough and I cannot imagine how much more my ceremonies are going to be now. I didn't imagine how much more this physical reality is now. wooo... ok... i think this will be a good breaking point. I want to get some rest before running some errands with my pops tomorrow.

Alright... so I got to spend some time with my dad's family... we were celebrating Easter... my little second cousin I was babysitting on Wednesday was the only child there... He was so handsome... he had seafoam shorts with suspenders with a white button up shirt with little bunny outline shapes in gray... he also had a matching hat with bunny ears... too cute! There was a good turnout... my dad, his brother, and one of his sisters were there and mostly his brother's kids and grandkids which the youngest except for the one-year-old is a senior in high school. We always have chicken and noodles on our Sunday lunches. We handmake the egg noodles... that's a big deal for our family... and of course we had a few games of six handed euchre... yay! I spent some more time to really look through some of my personal items to see what I can still get rid of right now. I think I can really narrow it down quite a bit. Before winter and before I created a studio inside... I did make a studio in the garage. Once I knew I was going to be sticking around for the winter I decided to switch things up for indoor studio use. But I did leave some projects out there. I was working at a place where I was doing some interior design work and I would be repurposing furniture at the site and in the studio I was creating artwork and decorations for the space. We hardly had a budget so of course repurposing was the option for the design. So I still have some projects and supplies I was working on and I want to go ahead and make sure to clear and clean up that space. I had organized most of the garage to some extent of recyclables and also scrap metal. I had read that the summer is the best time to scrap because locations need them more then winter... so I was waiting until it got warmer before scrapping. I haven't actually scrapped before but one of my brother's friends had worked at a scrap yard so I might ask his help on how to do it in a more proper way... lol. If I'm not here for the entire process I can at least help my dad ready to tackle it... but I'm not certain he'll do it without me.. but we'll see what happens. I did end up looking online to see if there's a mastermind game out there and I found one... lol... I played a few games now and i forgot how much I enjoy playing games. Especially what seems challenging for me. After the first random guess... each guess after that there is a strategy I use to figure the solution... it's rewarding... lol I also finished watching a Halo series with my pops today. He rented it from the library and he knew how much I used to obsess over Halo... lol... in high school and college... man I was online playing Halo a lot... I was so into the game I wouldn't even notice if anyone came into the room I was in... even if they spoke to me most of the time it took me awhile that someone was talking to me... lol... When I left my 13 year relationship... I gave him all my video games, gaming systems, and the tv... i knew I wanted to make a lot of changes at that time and I knew how much of my time was into playing games. He still enjoyed playing so it worked out for both of us. lol... I usually ended up giving away a lot of my items when I breakup with my exes... one exe I had given him my queen sized bed and my car... he needed it more than me at the time and I'm pretty good at saving up money so it's just something I do at times. So that's what I keep on reminding myself. I don't need these material items to have more freedom and when I want something... I'll get it... lol I did find myself looking up healthier perm options... lol... it's weird... well to me at least but I've heard other people have heard about it too. But I used to have stick straight and thin hair growing up. Now it's thicker and naturally curly. I had looked back to see how that can be, but I think it got a bit thicker was actually when my first stepmom would make me cut my hair. At the time I was devastated... I was crying so much that the hairdresser was asking her if he should go ahead and do it or not. He felt bad, but my hair was cut from almost as long as my mid back to above my ears. She said it's going to be easier for her to take care of my hair, and she said she loved Dorothy Hamill's hair. I had this haircut from around 2nd grade until 6th grade while they were married. I started growing out my hair in 6th grade once we left. That's what created my first nickname... "mushroom head"... lol... one of many but I was a tomboy playing sports with the guys and hanging out with guys that people thought I was a little boy growing up. She would put large earrings on me to help people take a closer look that i was a little girl instead... lol... so not only was I growing up in a little town where there were hardly any minorities but then I was the only girl with that hair cut too... lol... Our little town was known for tomatoes... Red Gold a national supplier... we're known for Wendell L. Willkie who gave Frank D. Roosevelt a run for his money for presidency in the 40s. In fact I had a news reporter reference us together when I was a student athlete award my senior year. I was our class president and since i was raised in this small town they mentioned WL Willkie with me... lol... I haven't seen that in such a long time... I don't even know if there's a copy anywhere around probably if i know my dad and even my stepmom... they don't like to get rid of things... lol... I also remember they recorded student, teachers and the principal trying to pronounce my middle name... lol... it's a Samoan name and I've mentioned it before... but I remember having a hard time spelling it right and I thought I was saying it right until I returned to visit with my mom before my freshman year and everyone corrected me... lol... but yeah i'd try to figure out how to help people say it far easier then with the accent... lo... but anyway the last thing we were known for was high involvement with the KKK. They still were doing public rallies while I was in elementary school... lol... I remember I hear they were going to be marching down Main Street and my dad having to hold my shoulders and look into my eyes and tell me that there's no way he's letting his little girl go to the rally... I was so fired up... I knew I was telling him something like... I'm not going to fight them... I just want them to see I'm a nice young kid... show them I'm just like all the other kids here... he said no way! But anywho... I think cutting my hair short for so long actually help thicken my hair? I don't know... but my eighth-grade year I convinced my dad to let me get a perm. I had virgin hair and went for a perm... let's say it worked really well and I loved the curl. I even remember going back in high school to relax my hair because it was so curly. It just was never straight after that... lol... my new hair growth was still curly. Any way it can straighten pretty easily though too. My hair is fairly long and it weighs down my roots... so I was looking to see if I can do a root perm or a spot perm... I definitely have to look this stuff up. I'm not a go to a salon to get my hair done type of gal... lol... i'm a do it myself type. Once in a while I journal about what I would do if I had an abundance of money. And yeah I think I would treat myself a little bit more than I do now... lol... I actually love my hair but I want it to be more fro-like at the roots... lol... it flattens and straightens at my roots after the first day... so i thought i'd try a perm maybe one day. Even if doesn't last that long... i'd like to give it a try since I guess there's a lot more options to have perms that are a lot less damaging now. Hmmmm.... should I mention some things I wrote last time I thought about using my money for if it was in abundance? So I've done this three times now throughout the last five years. It's interesting how different it changes... A part of it would always involve becoming an entrepreneur. The first time was creating a business for profit. Then the second time I was researching how to create a non-for-profit... well technically a private operating foundation. And the last time I was trying to figure out how to hire people for this foundation without the foundation setup yet... lol... So to even apply I'd have to know who is going to be on the board of trustees. Well... lol... I'm pretty picky with this type of stuff... I want them to be Awake and conscious... lol... So before I can decide who the trustees are... I'd like to hire people to learn how to heal and love themselves... lol... I don't know if I'd have to have a "business" so we can pay taxes... which I would not mind doing. But then I wasn't sure if I can just have a business setup to pay people to become happy, healthy, and fully jacked up with energy wanting to spread their talents and love for whatever they're interested in doing or just give them "gift money". Many won't be on the board... but that's just what I want to create in this world. I wanted to offer them a very decent wage so they don't want to do any other work except focus on themselves and families... maybe give them a year contract so if they aren't really wanting to take it seriously than I can cancel the contract.... and if they don't like to do the work than they can release themselves. I'd have assignments to include... I'd like them to record themselves consistently in a variety of mediums... I'd have team building events for them to join... I'd suggest things that are out of their comfort zone too... I thought maybe I'd even supply them with all the equipment and depending on their interests I'd specialize for them too. I know I can't make it too easy for them... but I know it's challenging to do the work, because people don't understand what the work is unless they're being told... but I think I have a better idea on how to guide them. I'd make them go on solo vacations... and other vacations with groups...lol... i'd be trying to get everyone passports to travel around the world for these events. Oh yeah my staff that I would hire for this are not just here in the US... many will be in Peru... and that really brings in another level of caution into the mix... maybe i won't go into it now, but it would have to be approached differently. But I'd definitely want to setup a employee situation with them so I can pay taxes and setup bank accounts... just to try to help money flow in the country. Possibly even get some influence with government bodies there because... I'd like to be able to help protect the Amazon as much as I can. There are already groups on the front lines I'd like to help support and possibly try to get them together to see if they can be more effective working together. There's pages and pages of journaling about this. We can already see that I think a lot.... LOL.. essentially most people I know say over and over they work to survive not to thrive... and if I can remove the burden of daily expenses maybe they will be ok to focus on themselves. I know many will have a challenge just to do that... focus on themselves... it's not as easy as it sounds. what I think I have a list of about 100 people I would start with... lol But I also know I have a tendency to just give whatever money I have freely and I also know that's not the healthiest either. I've been learning that for many many years. And it's been a slow process for me to change my mindset about it. I'm the type that would give away everything until I'm left without a dime to spare... Yeah I thought others were more important than myself. But when I see what they choose to use their money for... I question maybe I can be more deliberate... it was easier to see when I was dealing with the Peruvians... and the last time I was there instead of just giving them money all the time when they asked... I would pay for specific things that would help them in the longer run. I'd even spend more on those items instead of a little bit here and there. I know I'm going to continue to give because damn it it feels good... I can be moved to tears literally of how amazing it feels... but i want to use money more consciously than before. So I'm not going to be giving away money to everyone who asks... at least I'm not just going to listen to what they say they want it for... well it might go directly for what they say instead of giving them the money and then have other temptations come in to distract them. I'd like to actually get to know them because sometimes I just see things they don't see for themselves and maybe I'd have ideas to help that they might not think to ask for help in those areas. Maybe that's why I changed from year to year on this style of journaling by donating to other nonprofits to actually getting involved and see where I can focus the donation towards or create a project to include... i'm not sure really until I'd be involved... lol I've been looking into buying land more now... at first I was looking for a home but I don't know where I want to settle right now. So I'm not really interested in finding a home... I'd probably want to design my home but i want to build a community as well... so that would all be part of the decision making and that land... I don't know where that land is going to be. But buying land in different locations in the world seems to be a high investment for me... and i'm not sure if it's going to be more for land preservation... but i'm really interested in creating habitats too... so who knows... i'm sure it's going to depend on each individual project. I know if I do have several homes at one point I want them to be active homes... lol... I don't want anything just sitting around not being used.. so i'd like to setup a system of possibly people I'm working with or the public to use these homes... again it's not to make a profit from others but for people to have places to visit and enjoy and explore the area.... i don't know... I even thought maybe I can build a mini pull camper right now possibly. I feel like i'm going to be searching for people... lol... i've been getting visions of possible people who are Awake... they're different ages and different ethnicities and live in different countries... so I thought maybe i'll need to take my home with me. I think it would be fun... I'd want it to be detached from the vehicle so using the vehicle on its own would be much more convenient. But really I just want the freedom to have my own space when I need it. Most of the time I travel I share space with others... I've used Airbnb in Italy, Peru and the States. I've used Couchsurfing in the States. Mexico, New Zealand, Australia, Peru, and Tasmania. In Peru I also would visit friends I already met before and also I just asked people I enjoyed speaking with... I've also used hostels and hotels. But with an abundance of money I'd have the freedom to do whatever I want to really... I think I'd still enjoy doing what I've been doing, but I know that I like to have my own space to recharge and just have privacy... that's why I'm not sure if the whole camper thing isn't the better option? If it's small then I can park it easier in the locations I'm going. I've thought about traveling through the States into Mexico and into Central America. I'd have to jump onto a ship to get to South America... but I'd be more likely to travel other places than Peru too... I've always dreamed of going to Buenos Aires, Argentina... I want to learn how to dance the Argentine Tango there... lol... I hope my fantasy doesn't burst when I get there... lol... but I know a little know but my following skills are drastically improving since I learned and I feel I can learn so much more with the local dancers there. There were videos of an older man dancing with beautiful women on the streets and restaurants in Buenos Aires... and if I don't find him... I'll find similar men... lol... I even used to enjoy Malbec when I drank... I thought i'd at least be open to possibly having a drink of Malbec while I was in Argentina. Just like Belgium beers... I'm open to possibly drink a beer if I was visiting Belgium too. Yeah I don't drink but I'm not so closed minded to not allow any opportunities to be available. I just haven't had the desire to these past few years. Lol.. the last time I drank I was in Australia (I hadn't drank for almost two years by then)... I met a great group of friends and when we'd go out dancing they'd always try to get me to drink... and I just didn't want to and they gave up on asking... until... the last night. It was a going away party and we played laser tag, ate, and out dancing... they twisted my arm... they're like it's the last night... it was a celebration to remember... because I still stay in contact with a few of them... they're absolutely amazing people and I don't regret sharing a few drinks with them... lol.. I only had two drinks because I was getting tipsy from those... and I just don't like that state of consciousness that much anymore. I don't need it to dance or be social... I was thankful my body wasn't hurting the next day.. lol. This reminds me of my relationship towards marijuana. That's been a huge change from when I first introduced myself. Oh my goodness so I was in middle school and I think if I remember correctly my older brother was the one who smoke my first joint with... there was one of his friends and one of mine with us in the car... taking a country cruise... lol... Well to not take too long of a story about it I used to smoke quite a bit and oftern... lol... I remember two teachers approaching me in middle school that they were concerned with the crowd I was hanging out with. They didn't outright say what they thought we were doing, but I understood. Well let's just say it didn't stop me from continuing... and in high school most adults wouldn't assume I'd be a partier. lol... I had pretty good high school years honestly... I remember I wrote down some goals I wanted to achieve by graduation and I accomplished them fairly easy and more. I mentioned I was class president... I tried it out my sophomore year because the current one selected was competitive with me in many areas and I thought why not give it a shot... I was competitive too... lol... since than I didn't have any challengers... so I stayed until Senior year... we didn't really get a chance to make too many changes... the only thing that we did was get our graduation to be outside on the football field instead of the gymnasium... which it was really pretty cool! I have the decision on when to have reunions too... and what it's been 23 years now since graduation and we've only had one reunion... lol... which isn't normal either especially for this small town, but I thought a five or ten year reunion just wasn't enough time to pass to have a whole lot of changes... so I did a 15 year reunion. I was trying to do something unique... rent a boys scount camp area where we'd have activities setup to enjoy and have a pitch-in dinner and maybe even have the option for people to cook there and there's ponds and outdoor stuff to do.. I was teaching painting at the time so I wanted to setup a kids art class of the graduation classes kids... get to meet them that way... but I did wanted to be diplomatic and give them a choice and majority ruled to go to the elk's club which is a bar and eat there with music at the end. Not a whole lot of our class even attended... lol... I was trying to make another year book to update people on what everyone's interests are now... i started a year before the date of the reunion but again no one really responded with information and pictures... so that didn't go. I'm guessing here in two years maybe it'll be time again... do our 25 year reunion. After that I don't know if i'm really going to be living in the States so maybe i'll let the vice president who still lives in town to take over. I'd like to plan one more at least... at least right now I think so... lol... But I also was seventh in class academically which came pretty easy for me. I was a student aid for algebra. I was actually the type of student who would create other assignments for myself to push myself further then required... above and beyond type... lol.. not all the time by the way... I was pretty active. I played on four athletic teams and was team captain by sophomore year too. Always was on varsity and soon starter as freshman. The fourth activity I didn't even really have to go to practice and I only went to the big events... I just did track and field... the field events I'd usually rank pretty high... that was during softball season so that's where most of my time was... but I could go to track practice afterwards when needed. I hadn't actually played softball until my freshman year. I was a boy's baseball player through peewee league through 8th grade. Of course it wasn't too different but then again it was.. lol. Have to mention in middle school I would join the wrestling practice after my basketball practice. My dad was one of the coaches and it was fun to wrestle with the guys... at that age I was similar in size and strength. I even got to wrestle in one match because there was another girl on their team.. lol... that was intense and satisfying... lol.. I had to borrow a friend's singlet and head gear... it didn't really seem fair... lol... i felt like I was handling her too easily, but I used the three quarter nelson for the pin... lol... good times. But yeah in school... teachers and staff would consider me an ideal student example... again I had family who were coaches and teachers, and I respect education. But most didn't know that I loved to be wild and party also. Geesh I tried twice to "party" at school and I should've stopped after the first time. I had never done pills before and I took xanax for the first time right before a math test... it hit me so hard and strong... i couldn't even write my name on the paper... I went to the teacher and asked to go to the nurses office which has probably been the only time i've been there. I love math and I talked to my teacher about retaking the test which she allowed but she showed me my paper and all the scribbles I had trying to write something... anything on that page before I gave up. The other time I took acid on a half day... and lucky it was a half day because what I was experiencing was freaking me out... lol.. not in a "bad trip" scary type of way... just once in a lifetime weird things that just happened to be going on all at the same time... It wasn't my first time having acid at least. And I just want to mention pills were not my thing. I'd give it a chance and knew to only take a half a pill but I didn't like how I felt regardless of what i took and I just knew early on i didn't want to continue with it. I say I liked to party but to be honest I wasn't an overboard partier... lol... It was after high school did I become a habitual marijuana user and at times would get completely hammered drinking... I have actually blacked out three times and that was terrifying. I was definitely a recreational psychedelic user when I was younger. I don't regret it because I think having those experiences allowed me the courage to try Ayahuasca and I haven't looked back since. I continue with my learning and I promote it as well. But yes I remember I'd always say that I didn't feel "normal" unless I was high on marijuana. In college years I transferred out of state and returned... sometimes I would have problems affording to continue... actually I didn't finish because during a spring break by car broke down and i was commuting an hour to class. I tried to apply for more help to get my car fixed so I could return to class after break and was denied. So I technically don't even know what those classes say... if I failed or if they're incomplete. I was in a double major of Interior Design and Art and if I would've finished that semester I only had three more classes in the summer to finish my degree. I haven't returned and I don't think i'm going to now. I'm doing quite well without the degree in my opinion. Anyway I was a creative and I thought if I stopped using marijuana I wasn't going to be creative anymore... lol... It wasn't until I separated from my 13 year relationship did I stop getting high. In fact there was a period of about five years I didn't do much of any "drugs" but a little drinking... even then that was starting to slow down because I was dancing at the time... when you go out dancing as a follower... you don't want to be drinking because it's hard to follow in that state. But after my first round of ceremonies after six months I ended up in the little mountain village in the Colorado... well... a lot of people assume when you move to Colorado is because you like to get high... lol... it's one of the first states to legalize marijuana. And you'd get locals who asked for you to join them... since I was trying to stop drinking I thought well maybe I could smoke... but it is not the same stuff I used to smoke... lol.. in that time many things were changing with marijuana. And after one hit I could feel it and most of the time it's like I'm going to pass out. I did the first-time smoking in Colorado. The person I was staying with grew his own and I warned him that I don't think I should... I don't know how I'm going to respond... he thought it wasn't going to be a big deal. I told him I'm only going to take two hits... well i started to feel ill and so I told him I'm going to go inside and lay down. I stood up and got dizzy and passed out on the ground... I woke up and saw how worried he was... he was saying how sorry he was... I said it's fine I just want to go lay down... I got to the door and once he opened the door i took a step and passed out again... he had to escort me up into the loft area where my bed was. I found out there are different types of weed now... and I'd go long periods just refusing, but I ran into a woman who said she has a very mild pen and so I took a hit and again... it's just too strong for me. It's not enjoyable. But for some reason maybe what three or four times a year I'll try to share in that experience with friends... because it's pretty normal now i guess and I also feel like I don't want to be that much of a weirdo... lol.. There's only been two times where I can see it as beneficial. Both times were the actual plant and not the oil or whatever... but first was in Cusco when a friend I met in the jungle recommended me to meet his cousin who is a musician in Cusco while I was there. So I had been hanging out and enjoying myself. I would watch him drum at the salsa nights... I stayed at the same hostel for a while and saw he has many instruments that he's amazing with. I really enjoyed the Columbian kuizis flutes especially the macho (male flute) which you play with your right hand and then play the maraca with the left...so fun but man he was sooo good. But anyway, he's a habitual smoker and asked me often but I said no... one night he got a few instruments out for us to play and I was trying to remember what I knew about playing a guitar. I finally took a hit maybe two... and by the way... this is what I remember marijuana tasting like and also how it affected me. I wasn't completely out of it... instead... I get so relaxed and so in the zone that I started playing the guitar very easily and started to challenge myself into the different rhythms... yeah i felt like I could be pretty decent without much effort... lol... i think i tried to smoke another time with him and one of his friends... and then that's what happens too sometimes... I cannot stop talking and even filter myself... i feel like i'm telling myself to stop and yet I still keep rambling on... lol but I also know i'm not fully as conscious as i normally am... i can just tell the difference and it doesn't make me feel comfortable. The other time is actually when I first arrived back to Indiana back in September. I really want to play instruments... I know I will pick it up easier than before... I don't know why but I'm just confident I can pick it up... but I have a friend who builds drums and I have a drum circle I like to go to but they aren't drumming much anymore. It's part of the university now and so they are doing more dancing than drumming which is fun, but I want to drum... so I reached out to him to see if he'd give me a lesson. Well... again he's a habitual user and he offered it to me. I always have to go through the full disclosure of the possibilities of how I can respond if I choose to join... lol... but he said he grows this himself and this isn't as intense as others he has and i saw it was green... so i took a hit or two and of course i was talking a lot and so was he, but I told him let's start drumming... and he started teaching me the three ways to use my hands to create different sounds on the djembe. His son who's a senior came home after practice and we were all talking but he went to his room when he was teaching me the basics.... well... all of a sudden it just clicked for me and i was just in the zone... enough so that my friend called to his son to join us and so he got these other drums... not sure what they're called... but there are three of them different sizes to create different tones and he uses sticks instead of his hands... and all three of us were just jamming out together. His son and I would keep the steady beats and my friend would just go to town on his djembe... i'd want to complement him with a different beat but I started thinking too much and go back to the steady beat... lol... it was great! But... I had to drive an hour to get back home... and that was tough... i felt like I was getting lost to get out of the city... yeah...so i feel like there is a very specific setup for me to try to smoke again. If I could just relax and get in the zone without getting into my way then I won't need to smoke at all... I'm going to get there... but if I smoke again... it has to be weak and green... it has to be around an instrument maybe at least an art project and I have to be sleeping at the place i'm playing... lol.. but i'm definitely searching for these experiences but if i find myself in those situations then I know I've got to be strict... because majority of the time it's not working with my chemistry anymore. lol... i sit down to write and i think i know what i'm going to be writing about and then when it starts to flow.... it just goes... lol... i thought this was going to be a short entry for some reason... welp i guess not, but it is getting late and i can feel i want to lay down. But i did want to mention the poem I'm working on. So I ran into a poem I wrote when I was around eighteen years old... I like it and I remember I redid it for an art project in college... I don't have that one, but I have my original. And it seems to be fitting for this poem I'm trying now. It might be the last poem I wrote actually. But I thought maybe it can be an extension. So we'll see that I'm questioning life.. and how I was feeling when I was starting to really trying to figure out how to create a life I wanted at the time. But there are some good lines in there that I wanted to include in this poem so it becomes an extension maybe. It's been 20 so years since this original poem and that actually became my life... was this searching and questioning and finding answers. So I thought it would be fitting...lol... we'll see if that changes but that's what i'm trying right now. So here's that original poem twenty some years ago. Ever-Changing Mystery Alone I walk this beach beginning to feel a need To ponder on this life I'm intended to lead Glancing back at footprints left behind Impressions seem so clear and guided, not hard to find Initially peaceful memories arise from smooth shores But sounds from distant crashing of the ocean, roars This intensifies a doubt that turns within me Like the sea: deep, dark ever-changing mystery Unpredictability drives my uncertainty So I slowly step away from the questionable waters Thinking it will engulf me if I go any farther But an internal precedent feeling tells me to stay Because the calls from the ocean intrigues me in a way I can challenge this vast enigma of the ocean blue I'll need a sailboat to split the waves through With this boat, security will increase as I sail away Anticipating even encouraging what the waters will relay I'll drift away with the warm breeze in my hair Content while cruising alone without a care Floating far away from the coast I'll be Identifying even minor creatures survive the deep mystery Pleasant it seems at first when absorbing the scenery But in the distance, dark clouds approach towards me The sky was dim and the waves turning rough Being tossed about trying to steer clear will be tough The closer the storm came the more my fear grew Disoriented and panicked, what should I do I'm anxious, there's no clear direction to go If drawn to deep, will it swallow me in the shadows below When my confidence was nearly completely tarnished An essential moment, a glimpse of a dolphin responded to my wish Not alone now, I focused on my friend's behavior Directing me away I follow my unexpecting savior Somehow trusting it will guide me to a safe place This friend of mine brought strength to my faith Simply I was overcome with the occurrences that were at hand But a realization I was just starting to understand When the ever-changing mystery presents a difficult assignment I'll remember that I can allow room for others before I went But for now, it looks as though there is smooth, sweet sailing ahead To experience is my urging feeling until my taste for curiosity is fed Its pretty funny because there's so much I can comment about this poem... but I'm wanting to wrap up so maybe next time. I had written a few lines to sum up the connection between this poem into the next... I'm definitely still working on it of course... I took maybe a half hour before bed last night to write something. That's when I remembered finding this poem and locating it to share. Alone the desire fires with intensity Unaware the need is to learn to dance with Spirituality Alone the wonder ponders on life's intended lead This taste for curiosity hungers to feed Alone the roaming seemed so aimlessly Unaware the need is to learn to dance with Spirituality Alone the sound hounded like a Siren at sea Lured into darkness oblivious of the depths of infinity Alright... that's a good break time

Alright... let's start by saying that I'm still trying to figure my footing in this forum. This is my first time involved with a forum, and once in a while I'll browse around and see what catches my attention. There are a lot of topics so I can see how we can get lost in conversations, but i'm also aware of my energy and just like my experiences offline... I limit where I put my focus on... when I am more selective when I engage with someone I'm fully giving my attention, time, and focus. I don't even actually have a phone right now. I am sharing my dad's phone but both us haven't had phones connected through service providers for our own reasons. I did use a service provider when I was in Peru, but when I'm in the States... I prefer not to. I can still use Wifi to connect if I want to. While I'm staying with my pops I have access most of the time... and still find value using the internet and apps, but I try to limit the incoming calls and messages from everyone... lol... I feel like some people are so bored and crave attention... that they think I might share those same beliefs... but i don't. I've had people in the past sending me only videos or memes to read or listen to... and I've had to address them asking if they want to discuss something that's on their minds. Or I ask them what they find interesting in the information they sent me. Most of the time they say oh I thought you might be interested... or like to share with all my friends. I told them to stop randomly sending me things every day. When people contact me I assume they are wanting to engage in conversation. Then others message me, but they don't really know what to talk about and is very vague... they again just want some attention. I try to explain that most of my close friends and family members... we don't talk on the daily or even the weekly... lol... we are engaged with our lives and when we spread out our conversations we have more content to talk about.... lol... I can't believe how many times I have to warn people that my boundaries are being crossed and if I think it's best for me to unfriend them... I will. I love when when I'm out and about with a Wifi connection and the phone is silent... a lot of times I don't even have my phone with me. So I know I'm not interested in reading every conversation about every interesting topic that's on here, right? They takes a lot of time, energy, and for my focus because when I respond I want to be as conscious and deep as possible... lol... so when I respond its a process for me. What I've been noticing is there were two people I found last night that I thought I'd try to private message. One went through a challenging psychedelic experience that he's having trouble integrating into his daily life. I've been there and I wanted to see if I could ask questions to his experience to get more comfortable of the insight I've processed as well. The other was someone who I guess has always been negative. He complains a lot I gues and people try to encourage him and give advice but he's stuck. Last night I found them right before logging off so I thought I'd just private message them when I get back on here. I had taken a lot of my material items yesterday to a donation center so I thought it would be ok not to worry about it today and I'll log on to the forum... well I tried finding those two people to personally message and I was having a really hard time finding them. I was trying to think of key words in the title and in the text which wasn't working. Then there were members who interact a lot with several discussions so I went to their history to find them. I was successful finding one of them... but I still cannot find the other one. I went ahead and pushed the pm button and a message popped up that I'm allowed to send 0 message each day... lol... so I guess I'm not allowed to pm anyone right now. I'm not sure when I'd be able to. Why did I want to pm them... one of them stopped responding and engaging with the topic he started... only other members were continuing the conversation... so i thought maybe I can be effective talking to him directly without everyone commenting on every single word we choose to share with each other. The other seemed like it was an older conversation where I was going to just ask where he's at now. There's been time to process more so maybe he's integrating more than his original post. I'm still getting used to the format of forums too... I know i've seen other people comment on this too. If you start a topic a lot of comments aren't about the topic but how people are responding or reacting instead. I was going to start another thread myself, but as I'm typing and trying to organize it so it would be easy for people to engage in questions by just answering so we can get to know each other more instead of trying to provoke someone to feel like they want to pick apart at every word chosen. I might still post it, but I found myself working on it for hours and decided I'm not ready to post. I'm not sure if I'm going to even. Daily I have the feeling and desire to continue the journaling process, but I know I can get value in discussion too, but i'm finding it harder... lol... even when I attempt to. But since I was observing that even here in a conscious-building forum... there's vastly different levels of consciousness engaging with each other. I know my level of consciousness has finally leapt to a point where I actually understand what consciousness even is and how much easier to see the differences in the words being used... and not only that... but the intent behind the words... and even the clarity when we've been through the experience and when it's just thoughts. But I felt like I had something I shared last night that's not sitting with me right. I assumed something and I want to share that it wasn't been directly experienced. Let's go and find what I'm talking about. So I heard of a particular group he was involved with a few years back and I was not expecting to read the opinions towards the feminine and feminism in the group. I messaged him saying I was pretty shocked to hear their opinions. He agreed it can be shocking but he didn't really go into further detail. I tried to see if he would share his views, but he wasn't ready to share with me. So I assumed the opinions I read might be similar to his opinions too. But I can definitely know in my experience if someone came to this forum for the first time and read some comments... that I wouldn't want someone to judge me on other's comments. Again there are different levels of consciousness in our collective group here, and by no means do I agree with every word being said. I don't want to make the mistake of judging him without enough personal context. In fact I would never have imagined he would be involved with closed-minded communities, but just because we have closed-minded members doesn't make the entire group close-minded. One of the main intentions during my first ceremonies was to balance my thoughts of masculine and feminine. I thought I was too masculine. He gave me a hard time, because he couldn't understand how I couldn't see... in his opinion I was the most feminine one there. I didn't ever remember him being disrespectful to anyone. He doesn't really share a lot of his opinions and feelings directly to me but he's always been honest with the opinions he does share. He's starting to change up his podcast style and starting to share his views instead of focusing on his guest's views... so I can get a better idea of where he's at with spirituality. I'm trying to not pay attention as much... but I'm sure I'll reach out for his birthday even though he doesn't celebrate, but I don't know. I just might leave it alone too. We'll see when the time comes. I also forgot to mention that I was trying to promote dancers to come to the free lesson and not have private lessons with me. What I don't know if I said or not was I've also been having a feeling I might be leaving Indiana soon and so I've been debating how to tell my buddy that he needs to find another teacher to replace me. Well yesterday he did it for me. The new location, the restaurant, isn't what he thought it would be. It's not like a studio where we have a set time... at the restaurant we have to wait for the restaurant guests to start clearing out and also staff to clear out a space for us to even begin. So dancers don't really know when to arrive. Of course, there are suggestions I have, but I think my buddy is ready to try another venue. And I'm ready to be less responsible and freer...lol I can mention that my little buddy, Elvis is feeling more comfortable in the house again. He's exploring more, not everywhere but getting better. My dad and I are feeling more comfortable controlling the cats... lol... so that's a good sign. I know that I might be too protective of him, but we'll work it out. Alright I can continue finishing my process of the poem...I'm almost finished... where was I? earth, water, wind, and fire (the elements and sensing them and observing them is so fulfilling... Earth... well I love landscapes like mountains... I love looking at the topographical views from planes... I love walking without shoes... I love the feel of mud on my skin... I love the glistening of sand and watching it blow across itself and digging my toes into the sand too. i do find it fascinating all the different rocks I've found in different locations... I love when I see sedimentary rock formations and lava formations... lol... I hope to learn more about rocks. So i've heard others using crystals during ceremonies so I've gathered a few, but honestly I'm drawn to work and have rocks around more then crystals, but I'm still open to gaining more understanding of crystals too. I had a change to make a vessel out of clay which I could definitely see doing more of. I'd love to learn how to build earth-bound homes, structures, and sculptures. Water... i could maybe be a mermaid... lol... I love to swim... i just love submerging my body and face and hair into water... I love baths. I love playing in the rain... I'm not really the type of person who wants to run to get out of the rain... I delay my movements so I can feel the rain drops... lol... not too long ago I remember I took my bike out in the rain and deliberately rode through as many puddles as I could find... it's so fun even at my age. I love reflections on the water... i love seeing steam rising from lakes... I love showers though to... the warm water streaming from the shower head especially if it's large and it pours on my entire body all at once and i don't have to rotate my body to give attention to my parts. I love the sound of rivers... i've said that if I had a choice to live by a lake or a river... i'd probably choose a river because the subtle but consistent sound. When I first saw Frank Lloyd Wright's house Fallingwater really got me interested in architecture...organic architectural design. I haven't visited it personally but my imagination would assume i'd love it... lol.. waterfalls... everywhere I travel I'm looking for waterfalls. Rainbows... what I think two summers ago I saw my first double rainbow in Colorado and then ever since I seem to run into them more even in Hawaii. I mostly drink water actually... lol... Wind... I'm a windows down type... most of the time I don't care how hot it is... I'd rather roll down the window then to turn on the a/c... and when I'm riding a bicycle, motorcycle, snowmobile, or a horse... my face has a huge grin on it mostly because the wind creates a state of whimsy in me. I have skydived and the wind created the feeling of floating instead of falling and I loved it.. I love being in the middle of the woods and hearing the wind approach and blowing the branches and leaves around... I like seeing items floating in the wind... it's not like you can really predict which direction the wind will take it and how it will react. I enjoy doing selfie videos of how my crazy hair reacts to the wind... lol... I love windchimes... Fire... campfires... i find myself always tending to the fire, but because I know how much I enjoy it I have to be conscious to allow others their time to interact with the fire too... lol... I play with firepits so much that I get so close that my hair gets singed slightly from time to time... lol... Some would say I could be more cautious with fires... I love cooking over a firepit too... ooohh when there are glowing embers... love love love it... i'm almost as fascinated with the embers then I am with the flames... i don't know it's hard to pick a favorite... lol... I love when I'm chilly and I wrap myself in a soft blanket and curl up next to a fire outside or indoors.. outside I love the stars too... I finally found some constellation lovers and had me hunting in the sky for as many as we knew... Colorado sky in the Rockies away from the cities... spectacular views of the milky way galaxy... i wish I had a really good camera to picture up the details... lol... i'm a sun lover... lol... and I love how drastic the sun or a light can hit an object and see the unusual shadows being created... candlelight in silence or with soft music... can be hypnotic) you were so vast and in the background all the time. I didn't know you wanted me to engage to the fullest of who we are (Existence is everything everywhere... and I thought it wasn't conscious... I know have experiences where we can connect, engage, and communicate... there was a ceremony when I was on a Florida beach... my guest had fallen asleep and I started looking at the horizon of the water and sky and the sounds of the waves crashing... it formed similar to a personification and communication... and I wasn't even surprised by seeing and speaking to the landscape... it's my old friend who's observing me while I'm observing it... Countless times I'm acknowledging and showing my appreciation to the surrounding landscape in ceremonies and outside of ceremonies... i find it easy to find situations to just say thank you to existence. I love my experiences!) my memory had you always there... why would you care about insignificant me (It wasn't easy at first for me to realize I'm significant so I assumed existence thought the same.) i saw you but unconsciously... i assumed you were unconsciously observing me too (Existence has been conscious the entire time so it just waits for me to realize what it always knew about me.) ohhh! I'm finding I feel a little nervous to continue... lol... am i ready to tackle this poem right now? it's like when I'm creating a drawing and i used to not like to show my work in progress, because the process is so intimate and it develops in unusual ways... if i did share with people, they wouldn't react the same way during the process compared to the final product... but there's a pressure i place on myself too... i want to do the best that I'm capable of... but that's what I'm understanding I can only do what my potential is now... don't start judging the results... and whatever I create is just that creating at that time in that setting in that consciousness... i don't need to judge... i don't need to stop myself before attempting. I continue to want to affirm that I'm ready, but I still find hesitation... lol... why? (I'm not used to this type of communication and I want to be better verbally, so this is my attempt to gain more experience... so let's just keep doing what we've been doing) All of my experiences involves intertwines and combines with existence spiritually and completely weaves and blends in union with existence lol... ok honestly I want to write it out on paper again... i'll be able to transfer it to the text later... i feel more connected to writing compared to typing and i have random thoughts and lines that I can place in margins to help guide my direction. This is a good time to take a break... lol

Ok... let's see here... I want to get back to what I was working on last night but I figured I might comment on what went on today. So I've been loading tubs full of stuff and was going to have a free yard sale. I didn't really have many people who looked like they were intersted in coming from the FB event page. I reached out to the people who were interested to see what they were looking for. Most were looking for furniture items so they can flip them... I told them I don't really have those type of items. I told them I'm heading to Indy today so I think I'll just take my stuff and donate them. I don't know if you have heard about goodwill outlets stores but it's a place where items are just thrown into a bin and you have to scrounge through and look for things they might want. Instead of paying a price per item you pay by the pound... lol I used to love going... it was a type of therapy for me at one time... just hours looking around... you'd be surprised what you can find... but it's a treasure hunt for sure... lol... anyway that's were I decided to donate my items because people will be paying less for the items then at a regular goodwill store. I'm still working on my sewing equipment, supplies, and materials... but the more i sit on my feelings about it the more comfortable I am to go ahead and get rid of them. I have three machines and I keep thinking... do I have to get rid of all of them? Sewing machines are one of the best built quality equipment out there... lol... they were built to last. Two of them work and one just needs another presser foot. One of them is my aunt's who passed away but I don't actually like using that machine. The thread is on it's side and so when you start sewing it wants to slide off the machine so it's not really designed well. I just want to keep it because I feel like it's disrespectful to her... but I know I'm not going to be using it... especially because i've got a machine that works properly. I thought of just keeping the one i've been using most often... still... so maybe that's where i'll start... lol... get rid of two of them... if I keep that one... then I feel like I should keep some other supplies and materials too... lol... that's what I'm trying to get over. I want to be just free but why do I feel if I leave something stored here at my father's that's for me that I'm not purging fully? I even told my dad that I can teach him how to sew which I think he could use with his projects... at least it's not just sitting around... it would be useful then. My dad is creative but it seems like he puts a limit of how creative he is... he likes it when I'm around because he can just ask me to make something and it's not a problem for me, but I know he can do it too and he can do it to his specific requirements. That's why i'm hoping to setup this studio for him so he can have more opportunities for him to get lost in his creative endeavors. I got rid of my books today... that's been a little challenge for me. I've been slowly getting rid of them but today I got rid of 99% of them. Mostly books I used as references during school... architecture, interior design, and art composition and techniques... I gained so much value from them and I feel like i'm still interested in these areas and one day i'll want to look back at these books. But honestly the time isn't now. Most of what I want to learn in construction is hands on learning. My designs are creative but how does it actually work from a construction point of view... that's more interesting to me now. Plus I know that I can always grab more resources from libraries or online when I'm ready to place my focus back into these projects. I know the more experience I have the more my ideas will develop. I've been interested in creating a community and I love visiting and living in these smaller communities and it's interesting how to see how the community design effects the harmony or lack thereof of the village and location. Also talking to the older locals about the changes they've seen and what makes them happy or not. Seeing what the new locals want to create and what they vision their community to become. I've got my own ideas of what I think would make a successful community but again I just feel I need more experiences to get a better idea. Plus I feel like this is a goal in another fifteen-twenty years still... so I'm not rushing.. and that's why I don't feel I need to hang on to these books. Who knows how much building materials and codes can change in that time... and I don't even know where I want to build anyway... lol... I try to volunteer wherever I visit so I can see how they do it. I've volunteered in Mexico, Peru, and Tasmania so far. I met up with a husband and wife from Spain for dinner tonight. I met them about a month ago at the Salsa restaurant. I happen to sit with some regulars and they came for the first time to check it out. I was sitting next to the wife that night and we had a really good conversation... people want to know what i do... lol... and it's not easy for me to tell them what I do... but I usually say something about living a life where I follow my spirituality... lol.. I usually see what they say and then go from there. I did end up telling her about my Aya ceremonies and she ended up saying that she's been looking into doing them herself... lol... she laughed because she finally met someone who has done them and she didn't think she'd find them in the United States especially in Indiana... lol... we had exchanged information and we decided to meet for dinner. I love it when there aren't any awkward silences or loss of interest. We all three were easily having a conversation that was engaging and light hearted. She's a language teacher so she speaks English very well and her husband started really learning since last July when he moved here with her for school. He's doing so good for not only a year yet... but he's fully immersed. He's an assistant. But he's involved with the students first hand. They admit it's easier to learn the language from kids because they don't make you feel embarrassed and they want to be able to help you out. I totally agree with this in my experience.... both in Samoa and Peru the kids loved to help and they were the ones wanting to learn English as well. Sometimes they have similar songs we sing as kids so I try to get them to teach me some of them and then trying to pronounce the alphabet better. Anyway language is interesting... I'm trying to figure out how to communicate in my own language... lol... and yet I want to learn other's language... well I'm not wanting to stop learning so I'll keep at it. I just threw myself into the culture and just winging it to see if I'll sink or swim... lol... I knew I was going to use nonverbal communication to get part of the puzzle and i'm not afraid to use the translator app too when I'm desperate. I admitted to them that i'm being lazy again since i've returned to the States and most people are speaking English. I have opportunities through messages to get better but I rely on the translator... I'm trying to find someone who will let me first guess what I think they have said to me... and then see how close i was. I guess I could be doing it myself... it already takes me longer to respond because I've got to take the extra steps to translate. Plus when the message they message only one sentence at a time... so instead of translating a paragraph once... I have to translate three or four messages one at a time to figure out what they are saying... lol... I've even tried to get them to write in paragraphs but no one seems to understand what i'm asking of them... lol. Honestly it's not like they are in depth conversations. Mostly they just want me to know they are thinking of me. and just want to say hi and wonder when I'm going to return. and they miss me. So not always am i using the translator because I kind of already know those basics... and i just use the same words i know to respond back. I'm trying to respond using my words without a translator app, but there are gaps... so some of the message has to be translated. But I really feel that even when I use the app it seems like they really don't understand me still ... lol... Not fully... some yes but there's a style to the language that's lost in translation. They are just returning from their Spring break where they went to Seattle and Vancouver... it was their first time and they loved the nature and shared some of their pics and videos... absolutely gorgeous. I was talking about Colorado and they said they'd like to go see the Rockies, but I told them I recommend visitors to go visit the four-corners... there's Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico... it's got really amazing landscapes in the national and state parks... it's unique and there's a location I took my dad which felt like we were on a different planet. I told them they would have to kayak and then hike... so worth it. I'll send them a link to a IGstory I should still have. I was wondering if they were going to return to Spain this summer before next semester. They do plan on going back but they said they want to approach it differently than what they did last year. They said they only was back a month... but everyone wanted them to visit and so they were running around trying to visit with everyone that the month flew by and they didn't get any rest at all. They just went back to work with the children and that can be tasking on their energy also mentally because the difference in language. They said this time they want to go rent a location away from the city near the beach. If people want to visit then they can come visit them there. It's not so close people would be going all the time and family would probably stay a few days to spend quality time if they wish. They know how much they need to rest. The husband is also taking classes online and it's all in English. He has a friend who lives in Spain but works for a US company and he would like to create something similar for himself. He'll be finishing classes around the same time they arrive back to Spain... and their rest is the most important focus for them. I laughed and said I understand completely... that's exactly what I did when I returned to Indiana... I didn't let anyone know where I was or where I was going. Only like a very few select people. I didn't want to be available for everyone... they don't realize how draining it can be to give attention to all of them... especially when you feel drained. Of course, I mentioned how well the Journal has been helping me clarify... giving them examples of ceremony to the journal on certain areas that were being discussed. I met them last time and I was their dance teacher for Bachata... I looked at the husband and said there's hardly anyone in here maybe we can do a private lesson. He said no... I do not want to dance those styles. The wife laughs and said maybe one day... of course I love it but he's used to dancing differently and mentioned Flamenco. Both of them have tried Flamenco and he's from the region of Spain where it originated. Well... I know a little about Flamenco and I would love to go and learn. She was telling me that bachata has steps that anyone can learn, but Flamenco is different... you have to learn how to feel the music to dance. He added that there are still steps that anyone can learn like the Bachata, but a good Flamenco dancer isn't just moving to the steps... they are able to communicate to the audience how the music is pulsing through them. They have to be able to find a way to communicate their feelings through the dance. I agree that I can see the passion and intensity in the Flamenco dancers I've watched... I told them I love that they use their bodies, instruments and dance movements to create complimentary harmonies with the band. She said yes... that was very challenging for her when she was learning... she was hearing the band and wanted to follow their rhythm but the dancers were trying to show her how to create an off rhythm to compliment. I said I actually do that naturally when I hear music... lol... I find it hard to keep the same beat that just seems like the heartbeat. I want to express through and around the heartbeat... I don't know why i'm drawn to do it but I have to focus and concentrate hard to be the heartbeat, but to be complimentary it's just what I'm drawn to be. I know I'd love to learn and I know one day I will! They were almost convincing me to go visit Spain for the summer... lol.. and the funny thing is i'm thinking I might... who knows? I want to stop my programming... I want to have a clean slate. I know I want to return to Peru so I can engage in more dieta and also dig, but my programming says... it's about summer season... I'd normally pick a job or two or three and just bust my butt... save a ton of money... I have a little debt to pay off and i'll still have plenty to go to the jungle again. And normally I go in the month of October. Well I know the more experience I have the more I am just prepared to face things that are out of my comfort zone... I also know that the brilliance of infinite intelligence isn't a logical path at least when it comes to me. I keep trying the logic path and things keep shutting the doors as if it's not time yet. I'd think the best time to dig would be around February and March... that's when it seemed like there was more rain. It's going to be a challenge to dig in the jungle anyway because of how many plants and roots threaded under and above the ground. The wetter the better I'd think in my opinion but I don't really know... but I still don't know what to do with the land once it's dug out though too. I've had some ideas... there isn't any refrigeration in the jungle and so I thought about creating a root cellar of some sort where we can store fruits and vegetables for longer periods of time instead of the heat and sun ripening them so quickly. Because it rains so often the design will have to consider that as a major obstacle to be solved. Most of that land has been cleared out with the trees because they already been attempting to build there... and i'm not really wanting to clear large expanses of land just to use the trees... i love trees and that's been a struggle for me in my designs on the land. I just want to clear the trees that are already down and rotting. The trees that are healthy... I want to keep them there. I know of a friend who works for a tree farm and they know how to transplant trees... I don't know if there would be a way to transplant trees in the jungle or not. I just feel the required equipment might not be available there. I've had some hints of having ceremonies in caves... but i don't know if that's in the jungle or somewhere completely different but that's in my mind as a possibility to create a ceremonial room designed underground surrounded by the earth and elements that happens to be there. Especially for the objects that i'm looking for... it might be an ideal location for it. I also thought of possibly making a pond... being able to collect the water and circulate the water through a pump to create maybe a little river running through rocks and plants to help biofilter the water. There's a location on property that we use now to wash ourselves and our clothes... it's usually there and doesn't dry out... but we are trying to build the center to be more comfortable for outsiders... not too comfortable... lol... but I could see people being afraid to go there... there minds will be wondering if a jaguar is going to jump out of nowhere while they're back there alone.... or an anaconda is going to come eat them from out of the pond... lol... So we are in the works of creating showers that are closer to the facilities. I'm not sure if this pond will be used for washing clothes though but still when it's hot and it gets hot and muggy... it would be great to have a place to cool down. The shaman had mentioned possibly creating a fish farm there too to make it easier to cook fish for guests... he was thinking of using the existing pond. I also know we do a ceremonial flower and plant baths before ceremonies which is amazing.. so this could be a good location for that. For some reason I love the idea of having a mud bath available for guests too... lol... i'd have to look into the design more for sanitation reasons... but I love mud... i love how it feels in between my toes and lathering it all over my body with it so slippery and slimy... yeeeesss... it sounds amazing... and i don't know what it is about the earth and clay their... but every time I visit a new location in the river... i lather myself up in the mud... every time and i enjoy it every time. I know the mosquitoes are a huge concern as well... i wish i knew a specialist on mosquitoes... not someone who specializes in killing them but how to interact or appreciate their importance in the jungle but also have it safer and more comfortable for guests to be around the water which of course they attracted to. I'm sure there are plants that can deter them from forming in particular areas... when it's raining of course they fly away and hide... I don't know if even the sound of rain could deter them... they would just hear it and automatically wants to hide? I don't know just a few things I've been thinking about. Sometimes when i'm at the existing pond I try to move as quickly as possible just to avoid the mosquitoes... especially during the rainy season... lol.. I created full body suits for everyone working on the construction during rainy season... lol... we looked funny and it was hard to convince them to use them... but once they got over how it looks they found it bearable to go hiking in the jungle to find wood and haul them back. Some guys at least took the head covering so not so many mosquitoes were biting their faces and necks. Mosquitoes aren't too much of an issue when it's not the rainy season... which is mostly when I went when I first traveled to Peru... but last time I was there when rainy season came in... and it was really difficult for me to leave the maloka because they would just swarm instantly. i'd have to try to run around the maloka to outrun them before I entered the maloka so there weren't so many that followed me through the door. I'm not into the whole killing of insects but I have to admit there was one day I was so frustrated and fed up that I went on a killing spree around my area around my bed. I felt terrible because I could see the blood stains like a masacre... lol... I really did feel bad and I don't want to do that and I know most people won't hesitate to kill them and i just don't want it to be an issue... so if i could just steer the mosquitoes away from where the habitations are going to be... i don't know. I didn't like the city developments where they've removed 75-90% of plant life. I know if they kept them the insects would be a factor but there's got to be a solution... again i've been thinking about community designs and that's always in the back of my mind. I mean my skin is very sensitive to bug bites... so some may think I'm the top killer of bugs... but i'm not. I know they are just doing their thing and when they encounter me they just want to bite... lol... I want them to continue to do their thing but can we deter them from specific places so they have a less chance to bite guests? So anyway I thought about maybe creating a waterfall with the water feature so it can possibly imitate the sound of rain. I also know when I take mud baths... and my body is covered in mud and dried up... they cannot reach my skin. There was land where I have buddies creating a retreat hostel environment with amazing creative ideas... I can't wait to see how far along they are when I return. but I liked to just visit their land and they had already started their pond excavation and it was rainy season so it didn't take me long to ask them if I can take a mud bath... and then i'd just walk around their land without having to worry about bug bites... lol... if i was a little taller and harrier... id be a sasquatch.... lol So yes I don't want to just dig and find what I want to find and leave. I know I'll be responsible for the cleanup and if i'm going to be cleaning up maybe I can add features that can be beneficial to the locals and to guests. See if you think about a design for a structure a lot of time you have it all designed out and then do what you need to do to get it done... lol... but i'm going to be looking for something in the ground first so I don't know to what extent that's going to cover on the land. I feel like it will be like a trench at least that's how I kind of saw it in the vision. Maybe I'd like to see what's dug up and then design it. And maybe i do need to spread it out. Because it might be best to dig during rainy season, but it wouldn't be the best season to actually build. So even though I say I don't like to plan anymore... it does seem to happen to an extent anyway... lol... I could see myself starting a dieta...then dig... return to the city for a few months. I have mural projects to continue and to start and finish... and while i'm there then I can start designing the areas and return during the dry season to build. Ideally that seems plausible, but I don't know if i'll want to be there for a year straight... lol... if I can get a really good plan then I can hire people to come help build which won't take so long. I'm also the type where if i'm going to be renting excavating equipment... maybe I should see if there are other projects that could use that equipment too. Well I already think we'll have to use it to clear a large driveway back into the center. I think it's too narrow to even drive the equipment back and there's some large trees that their trunks that are in the way... there's an area where building a bridge would be preferable especially because of rainy season... it's tough getting the tuk-tuk's through the driveway because of the mud and water levels and the condition of their "bridge" they are using now. In fact I keep thinking about building roads differently there... the clay or earth they have creates deep ruts and it's just an issue that I think can be avoided if we can add sand or gravel... or some other materials... I know they are having issues with plastic abundance without any recycling centers so maybe even grinding the plastic into gravel pellets. I don't know there's a solution there and several options to at least try... lol So you might notice that it's not like I don't think about these visions and finding solutions to accomplishing them. I don't know if i'm going to go into all the planning I'm trying to figure out for the mountain expedition... this is small stuff compared to that... lol... geesh! it's not that I only think about planning the center out as well... to be honest I've got so many ideas but I also know it's not actually my center so I don't know what's going to far with my focus and attention.... lol.. I called it jungle construction which is actually fascinating and fun but a ton of work... when I'm there I can give them alternative ways but I was also willing to pay for equipment and supplies to make it easier for us. But the village itself... I'd love to work on their living environment too... lol... I love the quaint qualities... i really feel a sense of home when i'm in villages... i love the communities engaged with each other, but i also their quality of life can be easier for them so they can focus their attention away from surviving their environment... example the darn but awesome bugs... lol.. they are just accustomed to them but I know they will live more fulfilling lives without having to deal just because we haven't focused our attention to find solutions. When it comes to their generator for the village... you can see that some are able to afford solar panels for their homes... but they are not that far away from the Ucayali River... and that's a power source we can tap into. They have a small tributary that runs in the village... and when it's rainy season it's quite large... and it's so gorgeous!!! they have these water plants that grows on the surface with their dangling roots... but the green covers the entire surface and it's just beautiful!! I know when we have guests arrive I want them to come down the river to enter the village... with the birds flying around and singing to us... some of them running on top of the water's surface... it's just too cool!! The two main natural resources that can be used for electricity that I see is the rivers and the sun. I like the use of solar panels, but also aesthetically it's not as pleasing for me to see rows and rows of solar panels... i mean if that's the only option, ok, but it's not really... even a solar parabolic dish could be an option which takes less space... yes it's still not aesthetically pleasing but at least it will take less space. But I think it would be difficult to build a dish in this remote location... which brings me to another point of possibly getting their living to a point of comfortable so maybe they can focus on solutions for their future in energy solutions. could there be a school to promote technology from the background of living in the jungle... not only in this village but the surrounding villages... lol I can go on and on... i definitely did't know I was going to go down this track of thoughts... lol... well I guess you're going to start seeing what really goes on inside my head... lol I also know that technology in energy solutions are heavily being studied and so maybe by the time we start implementing anything there will be options out there that can be a more suitable solution. The river though... that's has to be looked into... it's always flowing... and most villages aren't that far away from the river so power shouldn't be an issue they have to deal with... it's hard because there is something to be said when the entire village is in darkness and people are still out and about visiting neighbors... i enjoy that too... lol.. but even in this village they have the bar that never stops... lol... they have a generator and batteries for their music to be blasted all night long... lol... we're not right next to the village when we're in the center but I could hear the music every night... smh... well i can't be responsible for every little aspect of jungle life... lol... honestly it's not like I want to personally live there for the rest of my life. I just want to visit and I hear from them all the time... it'd be nice to hear maybe some excitement for making changes that they enjoy! Also keeping village life as a valuable way to live still instead of the youth wanting to leave and live in cities. I don't know where it's going to evolve but i'd choose a village life more often than city life. There is a lot of value for city life, but it doesn't feel like home for me. Alright... that's good for now... lol... let's see if I still have any juice to tackle the rest of the poem process? you know me so absolutely (I might've already addressed this... but when I see this comment it reminds me how ceremony has gone for me. Things that's been introduced to me wouldn't be my logical selection, but because i trust the message I follow and then I see how this approach is really authentically awakens my identity I want to be in this life. So never would I imagine I was going to be a shaman... that wasn't ever in my memory... oh i think one day i'm going to be a shaman... lol... that wasn't there... but now that i'm developing that part of me... it's been five years and it seems like it's been a part of me all along. Yes I struggled through the process... hell I couldn't even tell myself at first that i'm going to start training to be a shaman. That was so uncomfortable for me to admit to myself let alone anyone else. And now I'm struggling to try to tell others they are shamans too... lol... the word shaman is a lot broader than most. I already mentioned it... just if we say the words and actions we choose to share with others can either be healing or sickening... depending on the consciousness of shamans that can be true too... that's why you can find all kinds of stories about different shamans and experiences people have with them. For some reason we first assume that shamans are special people who aren't developing themselves consciously like everyone else. Yes some are going to be interested in self-interest if that's where they're at... but it's complicated... again people can see "bad" things happening, yet we can gain an understanding that bad things really don't exist... its just less conscious actions and thoughts...but we just didn't know any better because if we did we would've chosen differently. When "bad" things happen during ceremony... I see it as a lesson on what's triggering me and why is it still so triggering and I need to look deeper within myself to heal that part of me still not accepting myself and loving myself fully... because I know if i accept and love myself unconditionally... I will love and accept unconditionally towards others too. this is just one example of what ceremony has shown to me that I was blinded to. Changing my eating habits I knew was important, but I didn't know to what extent. Having a spiritual lover been shown to me. I knew I wanted to find a partner who was equal and fulfilling complement to who i am... but this spiritual lover was also having aspects that was so unattractive to me... lol... if I didn't have messages about him... yes i'd think he's attractive, but for the most part... he'd just be a interesting attractive guy but i'd assume... he's not my type... lol... what he focuses on at least in some situations seem so trivial and petty... lol... he even seems to have an unhealthy stage of appreciating the feminine and damn... how could i possibly be attracted to a man that doesn't respect women... allows his personal trauma and stereotypes judge women all women everywhere... I see less of this but it was still there for a bit and it was shocking to see he was even entertaining the idea the feminine could be all toxic and no good... lol... i'm so lucky and blessed I guess to have amazing men surrounding me my entire life. Yes most of them weren't attractive to me in like a romantic way, but damn they are so much fun! I wish they would just enjoy having fun with me as a person instead of a possible sexual partner which seems to be in the front of their minds... not by all... but a big majority of them. But it's been great to grow my confidence to be clear at the very beginning with them who only want to be sexual with me. At first I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I find people attractive and interesting so I thought maybe give them a chance... maybe they could be something you weren't expecting... lol... well now it's easy for me to be blunt. If you think you have a chance to have sex with me and you don't care about actually getting to know me... i don't need to have you as a part of my life. I'm much more valuable as a friend or really like a sister. This also led to an unhealthy habit of trying to be unattractive to men. I was trying to repel men... lol... i have a friend who tries to help men attract their partner... I asked him for advice how I can stop being attractive... lol... he didn't have anything to say to me... lol... yes even when I hear myself I feel it's ridiculous but I thought it would be easier to make myself less attractive so I don't have to continue to have conversations with men that I'm not interested in having a sexual relationship with them. this has been happening a little bit in spurts through my life. I enjoy being attractive but when they only looked at me and spoke to me as if that's all i'm good for is to be looked at... it annoyed the fuck out of me... and so I'd go through a phase to be unattractive so I hoped i could find guys who wanted more than my looks. Well... i'd still have men attracted to me regardless of how unattractive I was trying to be, but I wasn't attracting the quality of men I was looking for though either... lol... I'm now comfortable saying... i want to be attractive... not only for my spiritual lover, but to all people (children and animals too). I know how to be conscious how the conversations and mannerisms go... if I feel like it's making me uncomfortable in a way that I don't want it to go... i'm confident that I'll make it clear as soon as it's sensed and address it without worrying if it's going to make them feel rejected... if they actually have a conversation with me... they'll understand that I want to get to know them on a deeper level... that my rejection isn't for them totally just the chance to have sex with me... that part of me isn't accessible to them. I don't even entertain the idea anymore. That brings me back to ceremony... sexual healing is something that is brought up a lot... in my personal ceremonies but also when I share ceremonies with others. When others started happening I felt really uncomfortable. Well I knew it's something that needs to be healed in ourselves and societ so I knew it's going to be addressed, but I assumed that I wouldn't be involved with it... lol... it's easy when it's a couple... it's obvious its addressing their sexual relationship so when I'm guided to suggest things... its for them to try out together... and i've left ceremonies before because it's obvious to me... that they need alone time to address their messages and feel free to express them without hesitation with someone present... lol... it's actually quite beautiful. I found myself testing my confidence in my sexual growth... in a way I didn't think would actually be an experience. Well... when people see me dance and when i say i'm a professional dancer... i would admittedly understand when they thought i was saying i'm an exotic dancer... lol... i feel comfortable with my body and dancing is just something that i've always loved doing and a lot of time it can look sexual. Sometimes I feel very attractive and I can accentuate that when the music connects with me in that way. Many women want me to teach them how to move because i'm not a vulgar sexual dancer but much more subtle and they want to be able to be sexy but not sleazy... lol... and men enjoy watching me... and honestly I like them to enjoy my dancing too. I like for them to notice that attraction to a females movements doesn't have to be so obviously sexual or crude or explicit. femineity can be sexy and alluring in other ways. Also they can see the sophistication I can choose to display as a feminine dancer. lol... well i guess i already started so might as well just go for it... exposing myself... it to do just that... it was during covid times it was starting to slowly ease up a little over two years ago. I was actually back in indiana at the time and I found out that my stepdad passed away. That's my mom's husband and they live in Hawaii. They were giving enough time for family to save enough money to attend the funeral so I had two months to save enough money and attend and support my family for our loss. He was absolutely an amazing stepdad... he has been so crucial of trying to continue a relationship with my mom actually. It's been challenging more since he's not around... but anyway... there weren't too many options for me to find work... and actually be able to save enough money to get the ticket to Hawaii... I was living with one of my girl friends who happened to live pretty close to a strip club. I had driven by a few times and had noticed regardless of covid and many places weren't really fully open.. they seemed to be up and going full throttle. It took me awhile to get enough courage to just try it out... lol... I had applied for the kitchen staff for one location... and I went ahead and applied for another location for security. I had only attended a strip club one time and I almost got kicked out because i didn't know i couldn't dance as the crowd... lol... that was the girls job... lol.. but starting in those positions got me a better feel of what i was working with. The kitchen position was the location that i tried out for a dancer first. and they added me onto the team. I had no clue what to do... lol... I'm not embarrassed really because I cannot tell you how much I learned about myself in the almost two months of employment. First of all I told them I'm just trying to make as much money as I can so I can get a ticket for the funeral. I knew I didn't know how good i would be as a dancer so I wanted to keep both positions. And again I had a third job at the other location. I would observe the other ladies and see how they approached their position as a dancer... and I didn't realize how differently I approached it... I would sit in on conversations to feel out their strategy... lol... well.. i couldn't stop who i am and the conversations i like having... lol... i'd talk about spirituality through psychedelics... i'd ask them about their personal lives and how dancers bring value to them. When I found out they had wives... i always asked if they had ever thought to invite her to the club with them... they would act like that's an unthinkable request, but i said you don't know until you ask them... they could be curious about it... lol... so yeah some men would unfortunately have me as the dancer to talk to... lol... but i met some really interesting and cool people there. That pole is not as easy as it looks... those girls are quite talented...lol... i wasn't at a physical peak at the time but usually i'm still pretty athletic... i could do some basics but those crazy moves they do... maybe one day i can attempt in a private setting... lol... Not always was i talking like that... but yeah majority of the time that was the tendency... sometimes they just admitted they weren't having a good day and they just want to release some tension and i know i enjoy pleasing people... but dancing and allowing them to touch and touching back wasn't so bad for me. I didn't have to do more than that. I noticed my dancing style was not normal in their setting. I was more like a burlesque dancer maybe? I liked the whole strip tease aspect too... I enjoyed dancing with the beautiful dancers... They gave me some insights to try when I'm sexually active again... the whole butt clapping/flapping thing... i've been working on ever since... lol.. i didn't realize how tense I was... i'm getting better plus working on isolation to build up my bubble a bit more... lol... anyway i was an open-minded, curious, celibate, shamanic dancer... lol... trying to get as much money in six weeks as i could... my specialty was not the dancing up on stage with the pole and music... it was the private dances. And that was the first time I was in intimate situations with women too... that was more fun than i expected. And voluptuous women.. they have a bit of cushion... feel so so nice... lol... so soft... but where i really excelled was with couples in the private rooms. That second club I didn't dance there long before i left, but that's where I danced with couples and my approach just wasn't like the other ladies there. They seemed a little snobby for my taste... lol... they would choose how many songs they would dance to in the private rooms before they even got started. Well.. I didn't know how many songs because I didn't know how much we would be enjoying ourselves. I'd just tell security to help keep track of the song count because I plan on having a good time... lol... when I was with couples... oh man... lol... i'd see who's night it was that night... who needs a little more attention and then eventually all of us playing with each other i didn't realize i could move my hands and knees well many body parts in so many different ways at the same time (almost how I feel when I'm playing a drum set)... but how much excitement and happiness really to make them have an awesome time out together and I got to be a part of it... it was really quite fun. i get into it and they have mirrors and I remember I was with a couple and i looked into the mirror and saw some of the male staff just gawking at what they were watching... it almost threw me off but then I just ignored them and continued... I really love when couples are really enjoying their experiences together... again i think it's beautiful... and don't think I didn't get the chance to excite myself too... lol... there was one man who had a similar built of my spiritual lover... he's a giant... lol... I was literally willing to pay this man for me to dance with him... i didn't have to, but i could imagine a different man that i got to be dancing with... using his body to fantasize... i was loving it, because there aren't too many men built that way... i did buy him a drink afterwards to thank him... lol... I mean really there's so much more depth that I gained by this brief direct experience of an exotic dancer i could maybe write an entire book from it... lol... but only a few people knew i was doing this... a few of my close girlfriends and of course my best friend, my pops... lol... there's not much i'm afraid to tell my dad... i don't think he would ever not love me unconditionally. Sex isn't really taboo for that side of the family. So anyway... i found out that i'm not going to be a monk for the rest of my life and i enjoy being sexual still... i continue to be surprised but not surprised at the same time... because i'm an honest person... i've been more selective on who I expose myself too... but nothing that i'm exposing now hasn't already been told to some or few or most people I know... lol... well you're getting the idea of how much I take the spiritual work seriously. I know the more I share the freer I become and feels fabulous! it was a game of cooperation not competition (So when I played games the only options that I had found were competitive games, but then I found Gamewright game, Forbidden Island, where I played my first cooperative game... and I loved it! My brother played D&D but I wasn't allowed to be involved... lol... but I can guess that's a cooperative game too, but I never knew how I liked the players working together to find solutions. In fact I thought for a moment to apply to work for them because I thought it would be cool to design board games... but i've been repeating the promotion of inclusion not exclusion... that's what i'm embracing and trying to be more conscious of become inclusive without effort. I do want to mention that i've been in sports a lot... i've had many coaches in my family and i love that because I saw a way to teach to help encourage people to want to get better... my dad always played just a little bit above my skill level... he make it competitive enough that I might even think i had a chance of winning, but he'd still pull out at the end to win, but I wasn't so completely demolished and humiliated that i just wanted to give up. He increased my desire to want to get better. I noticed that even when I was growing up but it was an amazing teaching tool... we apply that with the kiddos now... I try to let the oldest know that maybe he should be aware of it too.... he's quite a bit older than some of the siblings and if he wants them to continue playing with him... he should allow them space to grow and not totally kick their butt all the time... he'll find that he's the only one playing with himself... which i see often... lol) game of chess we decided to remove the queen (this is where we... existence and I... seemed to have decided that I loved challenge so much.. I wanted to see myself as someone who could overcome problems regardless of the tools I had... so i was thinking if life is the game of chess... we just decided to remove the queen off the bat so I would use my other resources and see how successful with pieces that seem to have limited moves can still be very successful. It seems like I want to let existence know that I'm ready to play with the queen too... I won't forget how valuable all the resources I've been using already but allow for more opportunities with the inclusion of the queen. Existence already knows this about me... Its been waiting patiently for me to realize this... lol) mastermind to see the pattern (I was listening boardgames I used to love to play growing up... to the point when I was older I'd try to find others who knew these games so I can play them again... maybe there's an online mastermind game... i don't know i haven't looked, but when it comes to the boardgame... you need two people. I'm not sure if you're familiar with this game.... but one person chooses a pattern of a set amount of colors and hides the pattern. The other person then has I don't know twenty chances to figure out what that hidden pattern is. I thought it was so fascinating how that could even be possible... lol... but once you start... you figure it out... you figure out how to start narrowing the color selections downs and then the sequence. and how accurate and precise the person who chose the pattern has to be as well... because they give the clues... red means you have a right color but wrong position, black means you have the right color and right position... but neither of these are telling you which one is the color thats almost right or perfectly aligned... lol... and then the blanks tell you... you're completely off with however many blanks you have. And honestly when you get all blanks tells you more than you would originally assume... it tells you to not use any of those colors again... lol.. it's just really fun and fascinating... actually i wish i still had a board so I can start playing with the kiddos) boggle (i was obsessed with this one... again I still try to find people to play with... I just got rid of my boggle game last year in peru.. i gave it to some kids in the village... i showed them how to use the pieces for other games too, because the language differences some of the letters don't really apply as much as the english language... but I know.. I'm learning more about vocabulary and grammar and communicating... lol... but even though boggle seems like you would have to be good at that to be good at the game... but it's more about using your vision in an abstract way. who knows if anyone knows what this game is about, but there's a board of like 5x5 and there are dices that have letters instead of numbers. You'd shake the board and then they would fall randomly into the grid. You would try to find as many words as possible but they didn't have to be in a line... you can group letters on the diagnol and you couldn't repeat the letters unless there were more then one of that same letter on the board... and you couldn't just jump around they had to be connected. it seemed easy for me to find words... once the timer was up we'd read the words we find if we duplicated the words then we would all cross that word off our scoring... if you found words that nobody else had then they would count. we'd count up how many letters we would have at the end of scoring to see who won. Depending on who I was playing with I'd even write down words that seemed like they should be words... lol... i had a grandpa who played with me all the time when i was younger and i knew he had a larger vocabulary than i did... so i had to reach for a solution to win... lol.. he allowed it because I'd have to admit that I'm just guessing and then he'd have me look it up in the dictionary to see if it existed and if it did i had to read the definition... lol... I actually plan on visiting him soon... I had an ex-stepmother who got divorced from my dad when i was in 6th or 7th grade, but he and his amazing wife were my granparents for five to six years and they were so influential in my life. We lost his wife that's actually why i wanted to make sure I was back in Indiana to be here for her celebration of life. She was such an amazing woman and she taught me so much especially creatively. I felt like I missed out by not spending time with her when they got divorced. I know she knows how much she meant to me... but i'm not going to lose the chance to tell him while I have it. He's amazing too! He's the last grandparent I have living in this physical reality... technically my stepmom has her mother here too and I'm getting to know her better and that's who i've been taking to church. Its a little different because she's the same age as my dad... so she's quite young compared to my grandparents... lol... but maybe he still has boggle and we can play a game together for old times' sake.) blockus (I just remembered this game too... lol... it's a strategy game that uses game pieces that looks like tetris pieces.. you're trying to block people from putting their pieces on the board... it's just a fun game... lol) euchre (Bid euchre is actually what i'm talking about here... this is the family game played since i was young... we had a kids table and adult table... and when we have family gatherings... i'm always looking forward to playing euchre with my family. So if you're from the midwest you might now euchre, but you might not be aware of the actual euchre game... bid euchre... lol... I was in high school when I learned most people played euchre differently than my family. I had a group of seven guys that were my brothers... and mostly we'd play poker but sometimes we'd play euchre. I was all excited until they started dealing out the cards and they only gave me five cards. I was like what is this? This isn't euchre... they looked at me confused... how many cards do you normally use... i said 12 cards... we use 12 cards...what can you do with five. And that's the thing it's so limiting. They even flipped over a card to see if we wanted to use that as trump... I was like what in the hell are you guys wanting me to play... how can this be fun? lol... I told them... let me show you how to play the real euchre... bid euchre... lol... you get to table talk in a way but calling the suit or trump you want and how many tricks you think you can get. Everyone has a chance to outbid the person they are following and if they out bid you then whatever trump they want is now trump. So the person who deals gets the last chance to change trump. You have partners so you're listening to your partners bids and see if you can add to them or just go for your best suit... but you also know what the other team likes... and maybe it's better to play their suit and try to euchre them... which is when your team stops them from getting the amount of tricks they thought they could get. You don't use all the numbers... 9 through Ace... and you use multiple decks depending on how many people are playing so with 4 people you have double of everything... 6 people triple of everything... and rarely do we ever play 8 people with four of everything. But there's a language you discover when you play for so long...you have to pay attention what people are playing and you can start figuring out how to pass the lead to your teammates... and how to avoid the other team from stealing tricks... lol... another strategy game that i love... lol) earth, water, wind, and fire (the elements and sensing them and observing them is so fulfilling... you were so vast and in the background all the time. I didn't know you wanted me to engage to the fullest of who we are my memory had you always there... why would you care about insignificant me i saw you but unconsciously... i assumed you were unconsciously observing me too Ok... well I was a rambler again tonight and it felt good to do that... i'm getting a bit tired so maybe i'll continue and finish for tomorrow.

hmmm... I took some time today to just love on my body... lol... really just cleaning up... it's been a bit of challenge not having running water... it just really reminds me of how much I miss and love baths... lol... Hopefully soon I can take advantage of that... there's just something about soaking in a hot bath, maybe add some essential oils and some candles and a little mood music... since I watched my little second cousin yesterday we took two naps together.. I've taken a nap today too... lol... I guess my body has been craving some extra rest... lol.. I didn't mention it yesterday but that was something else I noticed when I was watching him... when I used to hear crying all I knew was what can I do to comfort the child so they aren't crying. Yesterday he was showing me signs he was getting tired and he was just fighting it. He drank his milk and was trying to nod off but he finished it without actually falling asleep. So I laid next to him and he was comforting himself on his soft blankies and he was trying to fight it and started to cry. I wasn't trying to comfort him too much.. lol... i knew he could just eventually fall asleep probably from all the energy he was exserting from fighting and crying. I did hold him and pat him on his back. I laid him down and continued to pat his back. At times he would close his eyes from the patting, but then again started to cry. I could feel I wasn't getting worried that he was crying. I knew he would fall asleep shortly and just was patient with him. Not too much later he was fast asleep. So I decided to take the naps with him. During our second nap together we were awakened by his grandmother. She entered and the dog was barking, but we slowly got up. You could tell he was well rested... she was even like wow he seems so calm... i said he literally just woke up... lol... but yes earlier today while I was cleaning and sorting and organizing I felt the same thing... just it would be nice to take a break and have a little nap and it felt good. During my nap I could feel me coming up with some ideas about the poem. I'll grab my notebook here in a few and write it down and probably elaborate on the ideas. I know when I was organizing and figuring out what to purge... i noticed most of my time was sorting out my dads stuff which is still mixed in with the areas I'm in. When I got here I did a lot but I didn't finish it completely because it was just so much. And now that I'm doing it again I'm trying to do a more thorough job at it. But at the same time what all can I purge for him... Should he be purging his stuff? Well... he's got a lot more areas then just these two places to he'll have his opportunities. But he likes to try out his little building projects and I told him i'm going to change the area that I used as my studio into his. I want him to have space where he knows where all his tools are and spaces where he can work. I know I had done a little of this when I first got here and when I organized it... he would always come to me to ask where things were.... so I told him once I get all my stuff out he'll have to come in and figure out where he wants to place things so he won't have to be looking everywhere... he'll know where he placed it. I mentioned he has a project he's working on in the bedroom he stays now where theres a hot tub going under his bed. I said he should sleep in my bedroom too so he can really focus on taking care of the hot tub area without worrying about putting his bed up every night so he can sleep. He'll have a lot of time to get it ready for next winter. Pretty soon he'll have his little movie nights in the hot tub while it's warm out. But yeah since I'm focusing on a lot of his stuff it seems I get exhausted looking at my stuff. I've been doing it but also it may be a distraction technique to delay looking at my shit... lol. So i've been good at narrowing down my art supplies. I want to be able to travel light so I can't take most of it with me. But I do have my sewing equipment and fabrics and supplies here. I'm trying really hard not to leave my baggage behind. But I don't know if i'm ready to get rid of all these supplies. I've been doing a ton of sewing over the winter and it's been a great creative release. I found myself purchasing a portable sewing machine when I was in Peru last time. And I just ended up giving away the supplies and machine to people I met there. Is it just a lack mentality I still hold... I've been collecting these supplies for a long time. One of my sewing machines are my aunt's who had passed away. I don't really like the machine it doesn't work the way I'd like and I use another more. But I know if I have the urge to sew... nothing will seem to stop my from doing it... lol... I don't even mind hand sewing without machines... so it's not like these supplies aren't replaceable. Also I just wished I could find them homes of people who would really enjoy them. I'm doing the yard sale Saturday so I'll see who comes... well it's not a sale I just want to give the supplies to people who will enjoy them. If anything is left then I'll donate the rest. That's something else I saw I was doing differently last year when I was traveling Peru for 8 months. I knew I was mostly going to be in the jungle. But the first three months were in my dieta and in the center and village in the jungle, but I didn't realize I was going to be spending so much time in the city too. So I wanted different clothes so I just went and bought some used clothes that I liked. Tweaked some to fit me better. I ended up going to the mountains again where it's cooler... and again I just bought clothes that fit the climate. I always found ladies that liked my clothes and didn't have a problem taking them from me so I could travel lighter. I had a large suitcase filled with art supplies too that I gave to a large family with kids and young adults. I feel like I still have some of those "special" clothes that I want to keep with me. I've got a scarf that goes almost everywhere with me warm or cold. I've had for over 10 years and I just don't get tired of it. But for the most part I like variety when it comes to clothes. I keep hanging onto my clothes because I just don't know where I'm going to be going next. Will I need warm clothes or cold weather clothes? When I pack I pack for any weather... but when I'm there wherever I am I still find myself looking for fresh clothes... regardless if they're used... they're fresh to me and i enjoy that. Since I was there so long I did get a better idea of what's available and what's not... and for the most part everything is there. I have some bathing supplies I particularly like from the States, but I found suitable alternatives there too. So again my old programming is creeping up on me... and it's good to just let my thoughts run wild right now... it shows me that I don't have to continue to have the same mindset. I've learned a different way and I'm ok if I come back to my old ways, but maybe I can give my new way a chance. Especially since I don't have a stationary home to store belongings. When I get that then I can see about keeping stuff for special occasions. I still have ballroom gowns. I think they are beautiful and I love dancing in them, but I haven't went to a ballroom event for probably six years now and I don't expect to be going to one anytime soon. And if i do I'm sure i'll want to get a new dress anyway... lol... clean slate lol... I was listening to a tarot card reader earlier... actually after I got back from my first set of Aya ceremonies did I find tarot readers on youtube... lol... it's how I usually listen to others words... I look for what gives me direction... it's not usually an entire reading talking to me but there would usually be some positive encouragement and motivation that I will hear to help me out. I guess I do have to say that there is a lot of stuff that goes on around me during the day and not everything is giving messages, but I do find I'm getting better at picking out what does. I just go up from my nap and was just relaxing with my little buddy Elvis and turned on the reader and one of the comments that I heard was that this is a very important time for you... you might seem like it's going to take forever, but don't give up... not when you're at the finish line... lol... it was just funny because I was tired of working on my dad's stuff and then i didn't want to work on my stuff... sometimes that's what tarot is... kind of like a cheerleader... the people i listen to are very positive and also very spiritual... sometimes I find it hard to find people around me that are that way... so I can put them on in the background and again my ear will catch something that just puts me in a better mood. lol... actually there was a discussion on the forum asking where all the women went to on this forum... i guess there isn't too many of us participating. I read a few comments. and one guy was saying how most women aren't into raising their consciousness... most masters have been male anyway. I was chuckling at the responses... I didn't think i was going to comment but then I noticed it had stopped the messages anyway. But tarot would have been something i could mention where there are a lot of females who are very spiritual and raising their and others consciousness... yeah people can say that's too woo-woo... but there's infinite ways to lead us to spirituality and understanding. I'd say majority of the tarot community is feminine but I'm not sure... but at least say both the feminine and masculine are interested in spirituality. We just don't do it the same way as everyone else... we find our own ways. At least when I started experiencing some unusual things happening to me... it didn't seem so unusual to the tarot community. I don't talk to them directly but hearing them talk about it so casually helped me not to think i'm too crazy.... lol I just didn't grow hearing about these things so it wasn't common knowledge for myself. lol... most of my life i was an atheist so I didn't see it being any value in my life at the time. And if it shows that it isn't valuable anymore then I'm ok with that too. alright let's switch it to the poem... I've got a bunch of fragments written down and let's see if I can dive a little deeper and create something from them yet. puzzles/ logic games (i love the fact that it may seem so challenging and close to impossible but i also knew there was a solution... with dersire, time and determination I'd be able to find the solution...clues on where to begin... find the edge pieces and then group colors together... there was a cheat picture to help guide to complete the puzzle... don't force pieces to fit... the right piece is there you just have to look for it... if you don't find it right away... put your attention somewhere else for awhile and then all of a sudden that piece you were looking for jumps out at you. breaking the large image into smaller pieces... if you just focus on the smaller pieces you can't even decide if there's anything you are even able to piece together to create anything.... just looks like unusually shapes with random colors and shapes... you hunt around to find a partner to share one side... sometimes it feels like you've looked everywhere and that perfect piece just doesn't exist... but once you start to get a few of them together... oh yeah... i can see what that is now... existence actually started helping me fill in the pieces of what i was creating, but then removed the border pieces to release my potential without boundaries.) I have fragments and gaps... you with me puts the pieces together so I can get a clearer picture (I feel i can apply this to many areas of my life. I'll begin with my jobs throughout my life... I don't even know how many i've had at this point. they may not have seemed to be connected in any way except for me experiencing them. I love to learn skills... so i just thought it didn't really matter what I was learning... i just loved to learn... but i'm beginning to see the bigger picture of these skills preparing me for who I want to be... not only a learner but a teacher... create things that are inclusive. These skills i've gained has given me so much confidence that it's easy for me to apply to most jobs... the only thing that usually stops me is because of their qualifications... lol... if i get a chance to actually talk to them... the qualifications are usually ignored... lol... and once they see how i work... they want to include me in many aspects of the business.) (There are many things that interest me in art... i've been starting with a few because honestly i've been able to afford the supplies and equipment to develop them. When I was in the educational system I found myself with the opportunities of more creative endeavors and I couldn't help but try to get as much experience as possible with the supplies and equipment that wouldn't be available to me afterwards. After my first ceremonies... I was struck so hard by not knowing anything that I put all that I knew to the side. I didn't know if art was going to be a part of my life anymore. I didn't realize everything leads to this moment so i thought maybe i was just wasting my time... lol... but when existence brought art back into my life I was so grateful... I'm appreciating the process in a different way. and the way i'm learning about my style of shamanism... includes most of what i'm passionate about... so I'll always continue to be thankful) sensuous, sensual, art, dance, sewing, music, building 2dance2art (this is one of my email addresses I use... it began when I was running around the city of Indy teaching dance, teaching painting, and teaching after school art programs. In fact I had terrible eating habits because I'd literally eat gas station food or fast food in the car while i'm driving to the next destination... i was trying to have as many classes as possible to afford to work at things I love to do and pay the bills. I realized 2dance2art is also my desire to learn how to dance with the art of existence. To create a masterful partnership) learning not only to dance in the art I found, but what i created in the darkness i thought i had lost my opportunity to experience and appreciate you fully (this refers to when I thought i was going to die... that i wasn't going to return to the physical world any longer... but existence also gave me a choice... it wasn't forcing me to do anything against my will) you've been so patient with me (time and time again... existence waits patiently for me to be conscious... it's easy for me to understand in my ceremonies... and even in meditation when I'm just looking into the back of my eyelids... i can just be staring ahead thinking there's nothing there for me to see and then all of a sudden I see images and it's like they've been there the whole time but it's just waiting for me to observe them... time and time again this happens to me. The back of my eyelids feels like I'm getting better... I know it's there and just waiting so I do actively search... but not always do i see anything. But i feel like it's a skill i'm training myself to get better at. Also during ceremonies when I'm processing something I need help with to understand or purge... I can feel my own frustration... well...lol... last time i went on dieta I did hope I could address my frustration. I did not like how frustrated I got with others... of course that means I haven't been able to resolve it with myself yet...but actually since I've done this journal I've got a better idea of why i've been so reluctant in ceremonies to clear it. During ceremony... lol... frustration was being addressed... I was sitting with my body of closed up... i had my ankles crossed and my knees tucked up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I kept shaking my head... I felt like I was a little immature child refusing to change. I kept telling myself... this is just who I am... I've always been this way... Why can't people learn... why are they so slow... why don't they care... how can they be ok with settle for less? This is the first time I could relate to the term inner child.. my inner child was so stubborn... As this is going on I can hear my shaman singing his Icaros... I knew I was in ceremony... I knew this was an issue I wanted to resolve and I knew I had to look at it deeper... but it was strange to see and feel this reaction in ceremony... this was unusual to feel so adamant that I wasn't going to surrender to infinite intelligence's guidance... lol.. so there's another part of me talking to the inner child... hey there... come on now... you know this isn't serving us anymore... we specifically wanted to look at your frustration... you don't like this part of you and we need to get a better understanding to heal this... first thing I did was try to open my body up... lol... I know if you physically open your body up you're helping break down the wall that's being built to the situation... so i'm trying to use my hands to pry my other hands off my legs and push my legs down and just open up spread eagle and layed on my back and just open up as much as I could and just focus on my breathing for awhile to calm my mind... long yogic breaths. I knew I've been hard on myself on the rate of learning... it's really weird because most of my life I learn quickly and easily compared to the people around me. But for some reason it's as if I was mad that I had to learn at all... why didn't I already know it? During the ceremony the first step is to gain my awareness that this issue was deeply ingrained into my psyche. Even though I wanted to work on this area.... I saw that side of me who wasn't ready to let it go... the first time I saw that actually... I thought it would be just easy to see what I needed to do. But it wasn't until gaining clarity through this journal process am I understanding that there are degrees of consciousness. When new situations are being introduced in my experience i'm at a certain state to respond only to the extent of my experience with this newness... which is nothing... lol... so of course you can't look back at yourself once you've developed experience and gained more consciousness and just sit there and judge and ridicule yourself for not knowing... well obviously you can since I've been doing it my entire life... but now I've reached a level of consciousness where I'm more conscious than ever before and I was silly to do that to myself and the better I get for forgiving how unconscious I was the more I'll be able to give love and patience to others. This state I'm in... gives "conscious" a whole entirely new level of what it is to be conscious... lol) when i wasn't ready to lead you stepped in to guide me (well... let's see first I let my influencers guide me... then I wanted to lead but I didn't realize how unconscious I was... I was led to look for an understanding to spirituality and that's when I learned I didn't know anything so I didn't want to lead... I wanted to surrender and just follow and be guided... We know I'm more conscious, but still I'm learning how to lead and so of course I'll continue to receive guidance. And I already know you've got my back always. There's that dance again... I want to be able to lead and follow and flow with existence) I was afraid to follow but once i learned to surrender; the journey you took me on was more than I could have imagined (I didn't realize what creativity was. i didn't know what intelligence was. i didn't know what unconditional love was.... holy shit! how is it all possible? Still it's amazing... existence is amazing! I don't have words to describe how impressive existence is... but I'm going to continue to discover and become by example in this existence with you which will be an infinite journey... and I'm so thankful to what my consciousness has become) you trust me and encourage me that I can lead as well... your guidance shows that I can guide with love and patience as well you aren't just surrounding me but you are within me (i originally thought existence was this physical world around me that i'm getting to sense and experience in it. it's just so much more so much more dynamic... logically i want to define it and explain it but I know this to be impossible... how can i dance to the art of existence it seems so deeply personal as if all your attention is on me... but while all along existence is dancing with the entire universe in the same intense intimacy... because existence knows everything about the universe knows exactly what the dancers need to do to realize themselves to their fullest... how to align us to interact at the perfect time not only for the sake of the now but for the sake of the future evolution of existence. Again existence isn't something out there moving us around... it is us and it's moving us... it knows when we are going to be hesitant or even blind... it knows how unconscious we can be... to every imaginable and far beyond imagination.) not only are we the artist but we are the art (we are existence there is no separation... existence is the artist creating it's art... observes the art and then becomes the artist and continues and continues and it's not a cause and effect it's happening simultaneously. How is this possible... how can existence be so powerful? how can we be so powerful? How can we be so powerful and not know it? How can it feel like it's our first time experiencing anything?) not only are we the lead and follow of ourselves but we are the lead and follow of our surroundings we compliment and create the music i hear from you I explore myself and it wants to move and express the music you're leading me towards (the music I hear can be from nature... I love listening to the insects with their buzzing... the background noise that can be ignored so easily... but it's so powerful... i feel like they have a connection to existence without questions... i don't know that but I feel they don't ask why they are doing what they are guided to do...they just know without questions and doubt... they are so crucial for this beautiful physical world we get the chance to experience... yet many of us see the insects as insignificant and a bother... i wish to know their intelligence more. When I hear them during ceremony they have their own style of Icaros. And they are always singing and encouraging their surroundings... they given me encouragement and I want to gain more appreciation for their existence and I don't want them to think I'm going to ignore their significance. Nature's music is so beautiful... the ocean, the wind, the birds, the fire crackling.... one of my favorite sounds is when I'm on a river or pond that doesn't have much current and there's a bird who opens up their wings to slow their velocity to submerge their legs and body onto the surface of the water... those combinations of sounds is so satisfying... it's music to my ears... I look forward to that every chance i get) (I love to dance to music if that hasn't been clear already... and i'm open to all styles of music... and in any given situation i'll find my body able to connect and vibe with the style of music being played. not all the time but majority of the time. for most of my life I didn't even really focus on the lyrics... still today there are only a few songs that I know the lyrics to and that's just because I started singing karaoke so I needed a few songs on my list to sing... lol.. the music is what i feel strongly connected to... i guess it's the verbal-nonverbal thing i noticed. As I get better with the verbal the more likely I'll get better with lyrics too maybe... lol) i will learn to create music with you (This is happening... the nonprofit that I wanted to begin is withinUverse Awakens... after my awakening I also started to draw a logo which i thought was going to be for my shaman's center... wasn't... it was for me... all the symbolism I was using was very personal to my vision of the nonprofit. But I also realized just like the 2dance2art thing that there was another meaning behind the word withinUverse Awakens... not only is it the point you are conscious you are so much more then a human surviving this physical world, but you are the Universe you are existence and you are not separate and you are infinite... but also I see it... when you get that understanding your authentic voice will awakens as well. Specifically for me I'm learning how to develop my own style of Icaros for ceremony. With me I see my style of Icaros is not just singing, but I play rhythms with my body and objects around me... I feel like when I get more experience with instruments they'll become a part of it too... but I see even my drawings and paintings are starting to become a form of Icaros too.... within you... verse... awakens. you aren't necessarily repeating what you've been conditioned while you were unconscious... you're being guided to express authentically with existence. So I haven't had any formal training in singing but I figured I can start by singing karaoke to start getting comfortable singing in general... I sing in my car and in the shower type thing as well... I've got members of my family that sing like angels so i know I can stop blocking myself. During ceremony I surprise myself of how much my range can reach with very low or deep tones to high tones... in ceremony i allow myself to be a vessel so I just go with it without thinking too hard just feels natural... I'm still figuring out my style and it's funny how drastically different my Icaros sounds... from opera to clicks and like beatbox and chanting... lol... it's a ton of fun! When there's another shaman singing Icaros at first it seemed like my Icaros was so different that they weren't really working together... but I could see that they were getting better regardless of the differences... i've been finding myself at live music events that i start clapping and doing the Samoan sa'sa-ish mostly just my hand with different sounds not my whole body... but i'm complimenting them with the rhythm I hear. There was one night in Cusco where I just let myself go because I was enjoying the music so much and getting the crowd dancing...i'm pretty good hype man sometimes... but i started doing the complimentary rhythm... it was pretty damn good... if i do say so myself... lol So i did learn a little piano and flute when I was in elementary. My dad's wife at the time had these instruments when she was a child so she had me give it a go too. The separated my 7th grad year and I haven't had really an opportunity to have instruments handy to practice on. I did get gifted two guitars once but that was right before I was planning to move to the mountains and I didn't even have a place to stay yet so I ended up gifting them to people who were important to me who played. One of them I overheard he used to play but hadn't for a long time... so i thought he could rekindle his long-lost passion if he wanted to. But I've been in situations where people bring their instruments and I know I can pick it up if one i just get out of my own way and two I had access to practice... so i know that's coming up for me too) language (this is a bit tricky I could go different directions with this, but the most rewarding insight I gained from existence about language has to come from ceremony... it doesn't really seem like we need to speak the same language outside of ceremony to be able to understand inside ceremony... it's like we can understand the intension. Like i've mentioned before I speak a language I haven't heard of... honestly there's many languages I haven't heard of... but it's unusual. There was one shaman who said she thinks its an ancient snake language... I haven't heard anything like that since but it does still remain in the back of my mind in case I run into others who might understand the language I speak... but truthfully I don't need to label it to be able to be confident using it in ceremony... because it's just how I speak... I can speak in english and spanish too at times... but it feels so right to speak it and again the intensions seem more important the words being understood. Maybe the words can be misinterpreted because some don't understand the symbolism of words.) perfectly imperfect because why not there's no hurry it's always a journey of discovery and you know that's what I live for (Everything is perfect in all existence... and yet when you speak with another human... we see there are things to fix and change so it's described as imperfect. And this desire to learn... is that why i'm experiencing physical reality? If I was omniscient like existence would I have the desire to be in the physical... if I didn't exclude myself at first would I choose to be a physical? experiencing infinite shows time as only now... because whatever time you put yourself on infinity it's always the middle there's infinite ahead and behind and any in-between... so I experienced there is no finality so there's no rushing necessary... lol... we don't have anywhere to go or become quickly or slowly... all we have is time or another sense no time... however you want to see it, but is it that desire to discover and learn? Is that what got me here? To be nonphysical I couldn't experience, or sense could i? So what would that feel like? I'd have to choose to become physical and once i chose then I also chose to not know anything so I can learn... i'd think its much more fun to learn then to know it all... lol... and maybe that's just because i'm at the conscious level I am right now... Maybe i'm learning that being nonphysical is just as fun if not more than physical. Maybe we've created this thing against death to be more conscious of the greatness we get the chance to experience as a physical but that it shouldn't actually be feared to die either... because when you can experience the physical fully... our nonphysical will be a consciouness that allows you to become omnipotent. But again this line of thought is separating the physical and nonphysical which doesn't exist in existence... lol... and i'm curious to see how much nonphysical i can experience while physical... it's happening but can i be even more conscious of it... i'm going to say yes) you know me so absolutely it was a game of cooperation not competition game of chess we decided to remove the queen mastermind to see the pattern boggle euchre earth, water, wind, and fire you were so vast and in the background all the time. I didn't know you wanted me to engage to the fullest of who we are my memory had you always there... why would you care about insignificant me i saw you but unconsciously... i assumed you were unconsciously observing me too Ok... I think that's a good stopping point for tonight. It's getting late and I want some rest. I'll continue elaborating on the bullet points tomorrow... maybe... lol... we'll just have to see... sometimes things change

Well today was a very chill day... I had a great time spending time with my one year old second cousin. Before I left there was an accidental call from a gentleman that I met two years ago... he's spiritual and wants to create a spiritual center. It was nice to hear from him but I noticed something in him that I could see what was happening to me. Especially when you find people who might understand your style of path. You can get really excited and he was non-stop talking about his ideas... I don't mind listening but how he was talking seemed like how i talk in my journal... I can just keep on going... the only thing is i get to purge out my mental ideas without directly involving others. Some of what he was saying was fear based and limited. That's the thing it seems like I'm more aware of some things that can adjusted in my own life. I know even while I type I can feel when I still just run away with my old beliefs along with conscious approach that's looking at it new. I feel like I'm purging so allowing myself to just run with it... is beneficial but I know with patience I'm going to be more conscious of what i say and how i think. Just keep checking myself. I had to admit to him that i'm excited for him, but I'm using journaling to ground myself and even being secluded has been helping too. I'm not ready to give him my time, focus, and energy at this time... but I'm excited to see how things are going towards the center when I'm ready to reach out. lol... it didn't stop him from reaching out saying he can be intense but he's grounded now and he was just excited... lol... and I know how needy i could be to have someone to talk to with my ideas... fortunately or unfortunately my dad usually was my guy... he ended up not really having much feedback in return, but he does allow me to purge. I've even told him that it's not fair to keep doing this to him... lol... but I can see a change happening. My little second cousin though... So he seems like he's grown 4 to 6 inches from the last I saw him last week... lol... he just seems to be growing so quickly... which is expected... my nieces and nephews I cannot believe how mature they are in such a short period of time ... lol... but I haven't really been with an infant... well just technically turned toddler last week. We get to have solo time so I get to just observe him and see how to communicate with him. Again with all this processing I'm more aware of how my reactions are going to affect him. I'm usually pretty observant with kiddos but I'm trying to be even more conscious because i just am... lol... but he's able to pull himself up and walk or wabble and fumble around using support from objects. I love how nothing really stops him to do what he wants to do unless someone stops him... lol... I try not to stop him but I try to see what he's curious about. At first we were looking outside the window and the sliding glass doors. They have curtains on them and he loves winging them out of the way. Again he's wobbly so i'm trying to help hold him but also letting him gain confidence in doing it for himself. Mostly he was just fascinated at looking outside, but then when his fingers hit the glass he would like the sound it made... so we were playing tunes on the window. Once in a while his head would bump the window and even the trim. He would hesitate but it wasn't like he was hitting it hard... again my hand was there to block his torso from moving too far forward but still he'd have a soft bump or two... in the hesitation I didn't make a reaction. And he just kept on playing. I tried to place one hand on the outside of his head almost like a floating helmet... but he wasn't really like that too much. In fact my hovering hand around his torso he would grab it and try to move it away... lol... he just didn't need my help. Usually we stay in the back room with the carpet but he also has an older dog. I know they are still getting used to each other. Lizzie the dog liked to be the only kiddo in the house... but really she seemed really friendly and curious today... so I went ahead and put my second cousin in the other areas of the house where there is tile flooring. I wanted him to get his curiousity out and also get him to the level of Lizzie... when we were eating he was so fascinated with her and was trying to keep track of her while she was walking around. So Lizzie was able to give him kisses. He stopped in one location and was playing but I told him what else is there to find mister... come on let's go check it out. And as if he knew exactly what i was saying he just started crawling around the kitchen. He started opening and closing the cabinet drawers. He went to pull himself on the drawers and they slid out and he fell on his bottom and again... he hesitated and watched my reaction. I started laughing and said yeah you better be careful... there's a lot of things that move around fast around here. He started to go into the restroom and that's when I had to stop him... of course the first thing he headed was towards the toilet. I picked him up and placed him outside and closed the door. I didn't close it completely and he looked at me and was like... wait.. I'm still curious... what's in there and tried to push the door open. I ended up taking him back to the carpet. He's got a toy that has wheels so I was trying to get him to practice walking with the toy. He was struggling at first because it kept moving forward. I was going to help but I wanted to see what he would do. he quickly noticed he needed to pull the toy back to him and hold it still while he balanced his weight to stand up and once he was up the toy moved forward so he ended up falling on his bum again... but yeah he's so intelligent and he's definitely able to figure things out. It just continues to confirm what I'm realizing in my perspective and how its changing. I've been wanting to help others for most of my life. I realized in my 30s that I wasn't successful because I wasn't healthy myself. I knew as a teacher in other areas like sports, dancing, art, or even training at work... I can only teach as far as I knew. So that's when I started just working on myself, but had the tendency to continue helping others as if it was just a program. And now I'm noticing what I want to help with others about increasing their consciousness is the more hands on I am, the more I'm hindering their growth and understanding because I'm doing most of the work to show them, but they have to do the work to understand. Now I'm realizing that we are always going to be increasing in consciousness... how hands on do i need to be? I'm open for changing my opinions... but everything is just telling me to focus on myself. I had taken Leo's life purpose and there were great ideas I had that seemed to be in a variety of areas. After my first ceremonies I thought why am I narrowing things down? Why don't I just make it all work together. After more years I started to think I should make a nonprofit where I found other teachers and leaders and create a hub to again look at consciousness from a wholistic approach. But isn't that what's already happening? What do I really want to do? I really just want to do my thing and what I'm lead to do and it seems like it's going to involve other people, but maybe I don't have to have an organization to do that. I feel like I could be a good leader and I know it's hard to work for others... but do I want to spend my time organizing a nonprofit? I want freedom I want to be able to do whatever I want and I haven't ran a business but I'd assume that I should be available for everyone... but lol... is that really what I want to do? I feel like I'd rather be a philanthropist of sorts. I'm not really sure if that's the label I'm looking for either... lol... I still see a lot of possibilities in my future and some of them are very personal and private and i'd like less responsibility for others and really focus on the people who will be involved with me. We all have our own way to find the best ways to increase consciousness in ourselves which led me to want to increase the consciousness of others even more. I've been interested in learning so many different areas of life I thought maybe I should try to focus on so many aspects... that it was a bit overwhelming. But I trust existence. I really do and so I shouldn't have to feel so responsible for everything. Just responsible for myself and what i'm guided to do and experience. To some this must be obvious, but to me... it wasn't... I always thought I was going to help the world in some way. maybe that's why I took this work so seriously... but I don't want to be so serious... it's hard to explain... I know that I'll continue to an extent especially with myself but I also know I want to allow more playfulness too. That's why I love being around kids... my playfulness seems to be free around kids, but I just want to be more playful period.

My Aya buddy got me into this group... Let's check out Lettuce the Elevate album Enjoy! So I'm going to baby sit my cousin's little one year boy in the morning... so I figured I can't wait until late tonight for my dad to start reading before he goes to bed. He's doing projects outside so I can turn off the tvs... turn on some music and see where the Journal leads. First after last session I like where I'm giong with this message... I'm not sure if it's an affirmation... I already see the affirmation but that's not exactly my expression... I think I'm going to write a poem. I used to write poems when i was in middle school and high school... I haven't attempted to write a poem since then, but it seems like I might try it again. Not only do I want it to be sensuous yes but I'd like to incorporate many aspects of my interests... maybe it's a long poem of how i experience the love of existence through my direct experiences I enjoy most... I'm not sure but I woke up laughing this morning from my sleep. The last thing I could remember was I typed out words and they were just fragments... so I think my brother was reading it and he said you are not doing well at communicating... lol... he couldn't understand what I had written... I started getting me to think that that's one thing about loving existence. I love games... strategic and logical... well many different kinds.... lol... once I started driving and hanging out with my friends I'd load the back seat of my car with board games. I would feel out the crowd and if there was any hint that people might be interested in playing games... i'd start to ask what type of game are they interested playing... lol... But I saw those fragmented words and it reminded me of puzzles I enjoy.. I have gaps and with existence if filled those gaps to give me a large picture... so yeah games, I love to paint and draw, sew, dance, design, build, music, cooking, etc. things of this nature... using these words to build a personal description of my experience of falling in love with existence and myself ultimately. So I know Leo had suggested to try not to hide and show the "struggle" going on... and so the most recent experiences that I can see which are closer to struggle would be my desire to not go all in on the people who are struggling right now. It's hard to explain but most of my life i put others needs before mine and i've been learning that i may wish to help but I could only help from the current level of consiousness and wellness. I think I've mentioned this before. And eventhough I'm better I've still been robotically trying to help other people. But I find again and again that I spend my energy, time, and focus on them that I completely ignore any signs of my own energy, time , and focus depleting. Well... that's why i needed this time to rest. I kind of explain it to people Im starting to talk to again. I went MIA because I didn't want anyone to know where I am so it took away more opportunities for me to allow people to reel me in. It may sound bad, but I need this time for me to be better for others and I'm more aware of my energy levels and my sensitivity. I started to show myself a little more and I've been very selective of whom and where I go and visit with. Eventhough I limit myself with people I want to engage with I still find myself... getting roped in to help. Of course I want to and I will help to some extent, but I have to really ask myself to what extent will I allow my involvement. So I have been talking about my second cousin. It's obvious she needs help and there seems to be a number of people in her life that wants to help. They have an investment not only in here but they live here and they plan on spending years here regardless if they are helping her or not. What about me? I feel like if I want to be effective I'd have to go all in which in my mind is to tie myself down here for a few years. I'd have to ignore my messages and give my energy to her to help her teach herself to heal. She's not wanting help and actually we're all waiting for her now... when she's ready she's supposed to go to her mom and she'll let us know. I don't want to spend years doing that. I don't know if I have any more then months I want to spend here.. lol. But how can I be effective? I think i'm already doing it. I spoke to another "family therapist" member... lol... she's very similar to me and loves to help, but also like me she doesn't see how much her energy is being spread thin. With her history she's going to be very helpful in assisting our second cousin. In fact she's got the time and the location... it seems like she has the desire as well. She has her own daughter dealing with mental issues I guess... and she's coming back for the summer or even an extended amount of time since she's graduating this year from college. So I asked my cousin... where do you want to put your energy? What's really important to you right now. She might need to start narrowing down all the numerous energy vampires she might still be holding their hands. There are several she knows they just don't want to do it for themselves but they are mature enough to figure it out on their own. She would prefer to focus on her own children and possibly our second cousin. I told her that's a serious resposibility and there's going to be a lot of work that she's going to have to dedicate her time, energy, and focus. Technically she's not working and she's uncomfortable with that but again like me she finds it hard to work under leaders who are less conscious... she would like to create a healing center somehow... she thought young children since she's been a teacher and a principal...so it's what she's used to. but she admits that maybe age isn't really going to stop her anymore. I see this as a wonderful opportunity for her to learn her own style of teaching healing with our family. That's her true work. Eventhough we might not be getting a paycheck... we teach and learn what we are drawn to do... because we are passionate about it and our motivations are deeper than a paycheck. She also has a husband who's very supportive. Financially she doesn't really have to worry plus she's done very well with her savings too. She wants to make a trip to Alaska but she feels guilty. I laugh because she's about to do some serious emotional and psychological work with her family. Maybe she knows subconsciously she better fill her tank up completely before she begins. Spiritually she's hearing the whisper and now she's got to intellectually see it's going to benefit her in the long run. Ideally if these girls can remove themselves of the pressures they deal with just focus and heal... and slowly introduce them back into situations that can be triggering and still have a safe haven to come to and people who want to share in their experience... a lot can be done even with a years time. In my experience with being influenced by my family and society... I never took vacations for the longest time. I loved to work and I worked hard... I had this idea I didn't want to leave because what the hell would i have to fix when i returned... lol I know she is too... maybe she feels that relaxing isn't beneficial or maybe she feels guilty about it. But I know she's going to want to teach the girls when they need time away that it's healthy for them. She has to experience the benefits consciously enough to be able to encourage them to do it for themselves too. If my cousin is too busy for my second cousin my dad has shown interest to having her stay with him. Now we don't have much material pleasures... but she could really get time for herself to work things out for herself if she wanted to ... and my dad is a wonderful caretaker too... he'll do his best to make her feel comfortable and safe which she doesn't have right now. Ultimately they could help each other out. But i don't want to wait much longer and I don't want to focus all my energies in this situation... but I am focusing on the two people in the family that could really make a difference and try to show their best qualities that have to teach but also some qualities that needs to be looked at. I feel that's what I can do for now. I have a friend who dj's and he started at a new location at the end of January. He asked me to be the teacher for free classes before the dance party. I agreed... I miss dancing... I thought I'd get a chance to visit with him. I enjoy our conversations which are mostly spiritual. Of coursce I love to teach and I enjoy my experience with the students. I stay afterwards to just release and dance with everyone. I get value there, but I'm starting to get students who are wanting me to do private lessons. I told them I dont' work for a stuido right now and i don't know how long i'm staying... but I want to help. I started going to their homes to do private lessons before the group lesson. Sometimes i'm hesitant because many of the guys thinks it a chance to get to know me better to possibly have a chance in a hook up or a date or whatever. I have to make things very clear and professional so they understand my intention is to teach them dance... not anything more. I want them to get more confident in themselves to make the women they dance with connect and respond in a manner they want. I have a boundary up with my students a bit because i'm not entertaining dating anyone... women or men... lol. But there's more people interested.... people I haven't even met are coming up to me and asking my teach them during the dance party and I love that. so now i'm not just teaching a group class... I teach during the parties and of course just free dancing with other dancers. A part of me is like... I could start teaching class for money. But I honestly don't want to do that. My friend pays me to do the free classes... Why don't they just come to those and then get private lessons during songs throughout the night? They don't even have to pay me to do this. I enjoy teaching dance so it's not like I need incentive to teach them something i love and something they're interested in learning. I like seeing my differences in approaching teaching dance when it came to the private lessons. I'm not really focusing on showing them new moves after another. I want to see what they're looking to do for themselves and build slowly and smoothly of what they already know and introduce ideas and variations that can follow or lead the moves they know. Each person has their own unique approach or style to dance so i'm trying to find that out and teach them with that in mind. I love to teach dance, but honestly i think i can come up with a different way to dance partner dancing. Again I don't feel like the time is now to do that.. but i know it's coming. I would need to have the time, energy, and focus to work on a new style of dance. And honestly it's not now. So I have to now be aware that I want to eliminate private classes at people's homes as an option... continue to encourage them to come the free class and then personal lessons during the party. That's what I'm willing to share with them at this time. I just want to mention that I'm recognizing that even though I want to help people... it seems the more I help the more helpless they become. I end up doing the work because it's just natural to me now... changing behaviors is known to me and I've felt the pains to overcome to achieve the change i'm looking for. They have not or least they don't remember so they're not conscious of it. I'm not sure when this started I'm sure a combination of my observations with direct experiences, advise from Leo, and messages from ceremony... I didn't trust that other people could just do it for themselves. I thought they came to me so they could learn... but a lot of times they weren't really ready to learn.... lol... I'm serious about learning so I have many suggestions and i'm like what do you want to try and then i've got backups waiting... lol... and really they had this wall up. Again i thought oh i can remove this wall... they say they want help... but most of the time that is not the case. But i started realizing that i need to start trusting them more that they know more of what's going on inside and what's working or not for them. They just don't know how to overcome the fear that comes with it. Well i knew fear was going to be huge for stunting my growth... so i would just throw myself into situations so there was no option for me to cave into fear.... sink or swim situations... lol... again i can be intense but very serious and I've also been gaing strong confidence in myself and trusting the perfection even if i didn't know to the extent i have know. Understanding continues to deepen... everything is understood in an infinite existence. There's never and ending to understand anything... we're too complex for finality... always exploration. So i don't know if i've already mentioned this situation i'm involved with... with my sister-in-law... let's just say we've been unconsciously triggering each other almost from day one of meeting. I remember coming back from my first ceremonies and i knew this relationships needs a ton of work... i want to be a part of my brother's life and also their children. Right now everything that involves them goes through her. We've been doing better and I'm finding myself less triggered. I want to understand where she is and how she perceives the world which is why she chooses to behave in this manner. In the past i knew i didn't feel comfortable in her energy.. it's very negative and fear-based and controlling. At that time I had a lack mindset and was only looking at the near future... so I'd just take it just as long as i could spend time with my brother and the kiddos. Once I get there I don't really have much engagement with her especially with the kiddos we can just get lost into our own worlds of imagination, curiosity, and exploration. They're getting older so the dynamic of emotions coming up for them that are new involving more people introduced into their lives. Here there perspective and possibly give them another perspective to see it more then one way. Again I want to teach them how to think for themselves not what they should think... I want them to find their own answers from where they are at. I still don't get as much time as I would like with my brother, but it seems like i'm ok with being patient with him. I know how intelligent he is and he's been teaching me so much as we grew up. He's my older brother and I value him and appreciate him. I know once he started voicing insecurities he had about my development and growth... it froze me a little. Just one example was art. I remember in college showing him the stuff i was working with... we both are artists... but he made a comment to where it's obvious that I'll just be the artist of the family and he's going to stop. That freaked me out and I told him that's and extreme and ridiculous thought pattern. His artwork is amazing and it's different from mine but I love his style. Just because i'm developing mine and you may have an opinion to judge yourself against mine doesn't mean it true. If we put one piece of artwork up online for people to vote which one they like best. It will end up being split 50/50... some people will resonate with my work and others will resonate with his. I felt responsible for him deciding to quit a passion of his. I also felt that to make him and others feel comfortable that I'd have to hide myself a bit. I haven't really shared much of my work with him after that. But now he has kids and they are so artistic. lol... i love to make messes with them and really get them involved with the creative process very actively... my sister-in-law gets very anxious when we do art projects. A part of her likes that we are doing it together, but then another part of her knows how much of a mess it's going to create. It doesn't matter that I put a large piece of plastic down, suggest they put play clothes on, and have them help me clean up afterwards. She can literally be crying and lashing out a people out of anger when we are playing dealing with art. The weird thing is it makes me uncomfortable, but I guess it's so normal to their family that the kids are encouraging me that everything is ok...she's always like that. My brother can sense me and he said she just needs time to relax herself. She knows she doesn't need to go to these extremes but she's just reacting to it like this right now. So I'm supposed to ignore it and trying to stay in the zone with the kiddos. That's what really triggers me too is just the abrupt yelling fits. To me it seems like it's not a big deal... but i also have to remind myself she has been a full-time mom with these four kids pretty much nonstop for thirteen years. She doesn't work outside the home... she rarely goes on solo trips or time with friends... she doesn't just get her own space and time to ground herself and gain energy for herself. She gives it away all the time to those kids. When I was growing up we had a stepmom that was similar to the way she acts, and she and I would butt heads constantly. There were serious resentment I was creating against her as a child but i've been doing a lot of work to understand that she didn't have children of her own and she started raising us from six to seven to nine and ten years already. she didn't have time to warm up and we weren't really from her womb so we were not really her children... so they seemed to play a part. She definitely didn't like how close we all were before she entered... we might've even treated her as an outsider. She felt she needed to be the disciplinarian. and we were not used to that. My dad allowed us to make mistakes so we can learn for ourselves. And she'd rather just tell us what to do without questions.. just listen without knowing the reasons. I remember how intelligent I was at a young age. I remember elementary years figuring out that most people I was introduced to and engaged with were unhappy people. I didn't want to be unhappy... so they would be telling me what to do... and i'd questions if they really knew what they were talking about. Happiness is important to me... they are happy... they're sad and angry... if that's the choices they made and it led to unhappiness why would i want to follow in their footsteps? They obviously don't know how to do things to make them happy. My dad was a happy guy for the most part. When he showed signs of being upset... it was obvious and we knew that he was serious about the situation not going in a manner that's harmonious usually. So when I hear someone getting angry or upset... i take it serious. But I guess when it happens all the time then it actually just becomes background noise and it's something that's normal to ignore. I can use spiral dynamics and psychological models to label her of where she's at in her development, but I won't because the fact is she doesn't know what she's doing to herself, her husband, her children and anyone else who is involved with her. I'm at a point where I think it's healthier for me to put up my boundaries towards her. I am not at a state to communicate with her with our hearts. She has a boundary up towards me and she doesn't want to put it down. So instead of waiting for her and me to be ready... I can move on and gain more experience to approach her in a way that makes her feel more comfortable. I'm not in a scarcity mindset with my nieces and nephews and even my brother. With the kiddos... without a shadow of a doubt they know how much i love them. Maybe with the influence from their mom they might think that when i leave means i don't love them anymore. But i trust they know deep down inside I'm always there for them and love them. I just might need to wait until they are making their own decisions in life. Again I can remember how intelligent i was. They are just as intelligent if not more. I happen to have a father who took us away from that stepmom... and now our relationship is at its healthiest. Now we have distance and space and our own autonomy. This brings me to another point i was speaking to my dad earlier about... I was trying to explain that I see everyone as shamans. If they labeled themselves as shamans they may be more conscious of their words and behaviors towards others. Not they're going to be perfect or anything, but possibly more conscious and responsible for their words and behaviors. They have the power to promote sickness or healing. I'm just tying to give an example that may seem drastic, but hopefully you can see what i'm trying to say... when people speak words of anger, hate, and fear... that promotes sickness. when people speak words of love, happiness, and acceptance promotes healing. When people express their ideas and concerns... people can respond with not believing and judgement which promotes sickness. Or people can respond with encouragement to overcome and openess to their ideas without judgement will promote healing. Not only would we be aware of how we speak and behave with others but how we speak and behave to ourselves. That's actually the fastest and easiest way is to focus on ourselves. The more aware of how we speak and behave to ourselves will help promote healing or sickness when dealing with others. There's another struggle i'm dealing with is i have an awareness that I'm becoming more conscious and I laugh at myself because the lower consciousness self is like well... maybe you can do some bad things still while you're in transition... lol... I found three nights of choosing food i wouldn't normally choose to eat... lol... I loved my dad's cooking but he usually eats mostly meat. He's got his own diet he chooses for gaining the health benefits he finds valuable. So he restricts his diet and his carbs... but for the most part I don't want to eat what he eats. Changing my diet was one huge message I've been getting since the beginning of having ceremonies... I had a toxic environment growing in my system. I wasn't able to use the restroom properly. I wasn't clearing out the toxins in my system which it's designed to do. It was sitting inside not helping anything. So for five years I've really been focusing on changing my habits. In fact I've been working on my diet little by little... i guess i chose more drastic changes these past five years. Usually I get a least one message during ceremonies that I still can use more work on my diet habits. The last time I was in dieta did I ever get a message that I'm cleared. If you deal with shamans in the jungles of Peru you might here that they don't have to have the same diets as the guests. I didn't really understand why but I definitely got my own message to get a better understanding. So I suddenly aware that I was watching this swarm of energy revolving and rotating... I finally knew that it was talking about my health... i was aware that it was going to show me my food habits that I should remove out of my diet. So I watched and waited... almost like it was going to be a cookbook which would stop and show me images or even a three dimensional form of what to avoid. I continue to watch to see... and then it just disappeared. I waited to see what else was going to happen and then I realized... I worked my awareness towards food that I'm now have the choice to restrict myself or not. It's not necessary to force any restrictions because my mindset is healthy and will make the best decisions for myself in a big picture perspective. Well since I've been working so hard to change... i didn't want to just go in and eat anything and everything, but I did start introducing new items back into my diet and see how my body reacted. Mostly I see my bathroom habits to see how i'm reacting to introducing these back into my diet. I know for most of the time I want to choose what I eat and I'm happy with that. But I also know when I'm eating with others... I don't want to be as strict. So when I'm in the States or in situations where there are many options then I can decide choices I would normally choose which won't offend anyone. But when I'm in a village and there aren't many options... I want to be able to feel comfortable and grateful for the food i'm given. I don't want to be disrespectful and before I changed my habit I developed myself to want to try odd and unusual cuisine. It's fascinating what cultures eat and if they eat it why can't i give it a chance... lol. Anyway getting back to being bad... lol... not really but my dad and I were watching a Korean show and it looked wonderful what they were eating with such variety all separated out beautifully, but it seemed like they had spam or something similar as one of the options.... lol... I cannot remember the last time I ate spam but that's a staple for Samoans too... so I asked my dad if I could eat one of his spams for dinner. The next night I asked him if he wanted to join me at the local chinese buffet. Again eating items I stopped myself before and it's not like I ate everything and nothing good... but there were some items that I included. I don't eat much chicken anymore so I had a piece of bourbon chicken and also peppered chicken. There was fried shrimp and fake crabmeat I ate too. Now I ate too much at the buffet... i've noticed if I eat too much now adays I seem to take a nap fairly quickly after I eat... lol... and then yesterday I was helping my dad work in the yard. But we had to run to the hardware store to pick up supplies to fix his water tank nozzle. I ran out there first alone while he was trying to slow down the leak. I thought I got something that might work but it wasn't really what we were wanting for a solution well at least it wasn't working the way we'd hope. But it did clog up the leak and so I said we can keep it plugged up and we can both go to the store so you can figure out other solutions you'd prefer. You're the one that's going to be dealing with it and you kind of already know what you're comfortable working with. Of course, he started to get grumpy. He didn't want to go and he didn't really know what he's looking for. I told him we can walk around and see what options they have if nothing there we can jump online and see if there's something that can just be delivered. I told him since we're out an about we can grab him a Wendy's baconator... lol... I said I can grab something while I'm there too. When I got there I admitted to myself I don't want a baconator but I hadn't had a hamburger in awhile. I'll go ahead and eat a hamburger and then we shared Garlic butter fries. I was joking with him... because i tell him mostly what's going on in my head with this purging process... I said I want to be bad... but how bad do I really want to go... lol... I'm the only one laughing but he just gives me this look like I'm crazy... lol and I tell him I'm not really thinking this is bad... i just have a feeling I'm not going to have chances like this again... lol. And honestly I hope I don't have to because I don't want to, but I'm open to whatever my experience brings too. Today I went to the local mexican restaurant... by the way I normally never go out to eat. Lol... 70% of my diet since I've been living with my dad has been oatmeal and then I add in peanut butter, all kinds of fruits, and mixed nuts. But for some reason I had this thing I want to eat badly so I'm going out to restaurants in my small town. I looked over the menu and was taking my time... I ran across an item i used to order all the time... carnitas... I was like ok... I can go ahead and have carnitas again... but I wasn't finished looking over the menu... I found the vegetarian section and when I saw the veggie fajitas I felt my hunger for it... and so I laughed to myself... Ok being bad isn't really where I'm at anymore. I'd much rather have the veggie fajitas... even their homemade guacamole sounded good to take home, but I know how to make some delicious guacamole for $12.... so I opted not to order the guac. But it's not only in food... the whole material item purge I see that... and even smoking my pipe. My opinions about tobacco are very controversial... I don't want it to be habitual and all the time, but I do find value at times using tobacco. But really straight tobacco... I'm used to mapacho from Peru. I want to learn how to harvest and process my own mapacho eventually. I know what I put on the leaves before I spoke and use for ceremonies. Mapacho is going to be one of the master plants i'm going to have during dieta. I know I want to choose this while I'm open for the shaman's suggestions on the other plants. But I've received my own powerful and grounding benefits of mapacho for ceremony. In fact they describe mapacho as the king plant medicine. They use mapacho for every ceremony. But how and why is not the same intention as my habit of smoking so I know I'm going to be making larger restrictions... and again this isn't new i've been working on this for years. I had quit smoking for six years before. So i know I can do it, but i'm not quite ready yet... and I still gain value at specific times so that's where I'm leading... there's a cleansing, sealing, and grounding affects that's valuable for me. I wonder once I diet mapacho if those benefits will be included in my ceremony where I don't have to use mapacho as much or tendencies to not respect it as much and use it habitually without consciously knowing why i'm smoking. Oh... this whole watching tv with my dad is something else I've been doing. There would be months before I decided to watch something with my dad... and this past week since i've been in his space I find that I want to participate in the tv time with him. Now most of what he watches I don't care about... he's got three things going on most times... lol... but there are some shows i'll watch a few episodes and sometimes we'll pick a movie to watch together. There's been a few that was surprisingly interesting to me. I see more creative attempts to express spirituality and also more curiosity in Aya... i've heard it three times now on different shows which makes me laugh... and also trying to direct higher consciousness in emotional situations. It's confirming to me... people are ready to be conscious and there are infinte ways to help elevate. Ok...this is good for now... I know I want to work on the poem but i feel like i'm going to write fragments on a little notepad while i'm doing other things. Maybe when my little second cousin takes a nap tomorrow I can focus my attention on it... who knows.

Ready to express my Spirituality. Ready to be in union with existence. Ready to engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. Ready to accept intuition's whispers for clarity. Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? (We are ready to be ready... we're already doing it... without extra effort it's not really necessary... it's happening.) right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Ready to express my Spirituality. Ready to combine chaos and clarity. Ready to be in union with existence's bed Ready to engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. Ready to accept intuition's whispers for direction. Ready to embrace our perfection. (Let's redirect actually...) (hmmm... I just had an idea I'd like to explore... lol... see if i like where it's going or not... making and falling in love to reality? Can I combine this with my message. I feel like I'm creating an affirmation for myself. Where I'm at and how I want to steer my direction deliberately.) Ok let's do a search "sensual word" Merriam-Webster dictionary site was the top of the list... let's see what it has to say. It gave lists of synonyms and antonyms. This is an interesting find: How is the word sensual different from other adjectives like it? Some common synonyms of sensual are animal, carnal, and fleshly. While all these words mean "having a relation to the body," sensual may apply to any gratification of a bodily desire or pleasure but commonly implies sexual appetite with absence of the spiritual or intellectual. “Sensual.” Merriam-Webster.com Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/sensual. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. (Well... I was definitely going to use sensual in relation with spirituality and intellectual in nature.. but in physical too... well let's see how to do that possibly?) I scrolled down a little further and found vocabulary website... Commonly Confused Words sensual/sensuous The words sensual and sensuous are often used interchangeably, but careful writers would do well to think before using one or the other. The terms share the root sens-, which means to arouse the senses. Sensual has referred to gratifying carnal, especially sexual, senses since before 1425. Sensuous is believed to have been created by John Milton in 1641 to mean relating to the senses instead of the intellect without the sexual connotation. Let's look at some examples that use our pair strictly: Designer Zac Posen sent out sensual cancan girls straight out of a vintage Paris revue. Every once in awhile Pauline will recreate one of the sensuous feasts she and Luciano used to serve to guests seated around a shared table. Today, though, many writers will use the words interchangeably: Heat and dust Delhi's sensual overload tests tourists, athletes The way she gazes into his face, we are privileged to get a glimpse of a subtle and sensuous erotica. It's a shame to lose these shades of meaning. When you use sensuous, do you mean to include sexual undertones? Are those undertones absent when you use sensual? Your readers will only know if you choose your words wisely. (To the side there were simplified definitions:) Definition: sensual Sensual means physically pleasing. It often is used in a sexual context, but is not exclusively sexual in meaning. Definition: sensuous Anything that is pleasing to the senses can be called sensuous. The feel of a soft cashmere sweater on your skin, the taste of dark chocolate, even the smell of your favorite person — all of these can be sensuous experiences. "Sensual/Sensuous." Commonly Confused Words. vocabulary.com https://www.vocabulary.com/articles/chooseyourwords/sensual-sensuous/ Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. Well I fell into that category... of interchangeably thinking sensual and sensuous are synonymous... but I want it to be both... Can it be both? Decided to go back to Merriam-Webster website to see what sensuous had to say... 1 as in sensory: of or relating to physical sensation or the senses the sensuous pleasure of a massage Synonyms & Similar Words Relevance, sensory, sensual, sensorial, sensational, sensitive, receptive, afferent, sensate Antonyms & Near Antonyms extrasensory, intuitional 2 as in sensual: pleasing to the physical senses a gentle, sensuous breeze (Ok sensuous according here... is both sensory and sensual... which is what I'm probably looking for) How is the word sensuous distinct from other similar adjectives? Some common synonyms of sensuous are luxurious, sensual, and voluptuous. While all these words mean "relating to or providing pleasure through gratification of the senses," sensuous implies gratification of the senses for the sake of aesthetic pleasure. “Sensuous.” Merriam-Webster.com Thesaurus, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/sensuous. Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. I like beginning with sensory related words... To be physical is to be able to experience senses... I found a website that can give me a start to paint a picture of what my falling in love and making love to existence would look like. "350+ Sensory Words: The Ultimate List" - ScribPress http://www.scribpress.com/sensory-words/ Accessed 4 Apr. 2023. Interesting...

let's continue listening to the "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! Oooohhh! I've heard this song but I didn't know who sang it... So it's the artist Heatwave the song is "Always and Forever" is the first song that was playing.. Everyday love me your own special way Melt all my heart away with a smile Take time to tell me you really care And we'll share tomorrow together (Always forever love you) I'll always love you ever (Always forever love you) and ever Loving you (Always forever love you) is the thing that I've planned For a very long time (Always forever love you) Me with you, you with me, we as one Love together (Always forever love you) for a very long time Loving you Songwriters: Temperton Rodney Lynn For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The artist The Chi-lites singing the song "Have you seen her" Why, oh why Did she have to leave and go away, oh yeah Oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on And I'm lost Baby, I'm lost Oh doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her? Songwriters: Eugene Record, Barbara Acklin, Brandon Thomas Stewart, Leslie Michael Stewart For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Lol... I can see the transformation in my life... I'm feeling a lot lighter... I've made the conscious decision to fully experience this Reality... a physical reality that I share... I've already been seeing where the perfection of life seems to be speaking directly to me... lol... and it just seems to be clearer for me to appreciate this genius of a reality we share... whatever happens to get your attention can really resonate with you... lol... the artist The O-Jays singing the song Love Train... lol... the songs keep playing i'm trying to hunt for the artist and lyrics... so I'll just focus on that instead of commenting. People all over the world (Sisters and brothers) Join hands (Join, come on) Start a love train (Ride this train, y'all), love train (Come on) People all over the world (Don't need no tickets) Join hands (come on, ride) Start a love train, love train Songwriters: Leon Huff, Kenneth Gamble. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Stylistics singing You Make Me Feel Brand New My love I'll never find the words my love To tell you how I feel my love Mere words could not explain Precious love You held my life within your hands Created everything I am Taught me how to live again Only you Came when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song 'cause you Make me feel brand new My love Whenever I was insecure You built me up and made me sure You gave my pride back to me Precious friend With you I'll always have a friend You're someone who I can depend To walk a path that sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Like notes to a song out of time How can I repay you for having faith in me God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song for you You Songwriters: Thom Bell, Linda Diane Creed For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Marvin Gaye "What's Going On" You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today Father, father We don't need to escalate You see, war is not the answer For only love can conquer hate You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today, oh (oh) Songwriters: Gaye Marvin P, Benson Renaldo Obie, Cleveland Alfred W For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Al Green singing Let's Stay Together I'm, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you Let me say that since, baby Since we've been together Ooh Loving you forever Is what I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue Ooh baby Let's, let's stay together (Together) Loving you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad Ooh, ooh, yeah Songwriters: Willie Mitchell, Al Green, Al Jackson For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Let the Music Play Barry White Let the music play I just wanna dance the night away Here, right here, right here is where I'm gonna stay All night long... Let the music play on Just until I feel this misery is gone Movin', kickin', groovin', keep the music strong On and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on I'm out here dancin' and still, huh I can't erase the things I feel Songwriters: Edward Chisolm, Christopher Barbosa For non-commercial use only. Data From: AZ Lyrics The Temptations singing Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me) To have a girl like her Is truly a dream come true Out of all of the fellas in the world She belongs to you But it was just my imagination Running away with me It was just my imagination Running away with me (Soon) Soon we'll be married And raise a family, whoa yeah A cozy, little home out in the country With two children, maybe three I tell you I can visualize it all This couldn't be a dream For too real it all seems Songwriters: Norman Whitfield, Barrett Strong For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Emotions singing Best of My Love Doesn't take much to make me happy And make me smile with glee Never never will I feel discouraged 'Cause our love's no mystery Demonstrating love and affection That you give so openly, yeah I like the way you make me feel about you, baby Want the whole wide world to see Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Goin' in and out of changes The kind that come around each day My life has a better meaning Love has kissed me in a beautiful way Oh, yeah (My love, my love) Oh, oh, oh, yeah (My love, my love) ooh (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Oh, got the best of my love Oh oh (yes you do), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Demonstrating sweet love and affection That you give so openly, yeah The way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it Want the whole wide world to see Oh, but in my heart you're all I need You for me and me for you (my love, my love) Oh yeah, it's growing everyday, baby (my love, my love) Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), my love (my love) Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), oh yeah Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love (You've got the best, you've got the best) (You've got the best, you've got the best love) Oh, giving you the best of my love Songwriters: Don Henley, Glenn Lewis Frey For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Michael Jackson singing Rock with You Girl, close your eyes Let that rhythm get into you Don't try to fight it There ain't nothing that you can do Relax your mind Lay back and groove with mine You gotta feel that heat And we can ride the boogie Share that beat of love I want to rock with you (all night) Dance you into day (sunlight) I want to rock with you (all night) Rock the night away Songwriters: Rodney Lynn Temperton For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody Wake up everybody no more sleepin in bed No more backward thinkin time for thinkin ahead The world has changed so very much From what it used to be so There is so much hatred war an' poverty Wake up all the teachers time to teach a new way Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say Cause they're the ones who's coming up and the world is in their hands When you teach the children teach em the very best you can The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better we gotta change it yeah, just you and me Wake up all the doctors make the ol' people well They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell But they don't have so very long before the Judgement Day So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away Wake up all the builders time to build a new land I know we can do it if we all lend a hand The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind Surely things will work out they do it every time The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better We gotta change it yeah, just you and me (yeah, yeah) Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) just you and me Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) can't do it alone Need some help, y'all (y'all) Can't do it alone (can't do it alone) Yeah (yeah) Wake up, everybody Wake up, everybody Need a little help, y'all (yes I do) Need a little help (say it, boy) Need some help, y'all (uh-huh) To change the world From what it used to be Songwriters: Whitehead, Mcfadden, Carstarphen For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch This is great... so there are messages everywhere... to help you us clarify your our experience and how you we want to consciously write a new story. When people we listen to music there might be key phrases and words that stick to your our mind... a lot of time I don't even hear the words because I'm so connected to how the music makes me feel. Not Everyone is going to pick what I'm choosing we choose to focus on... we can receive our own personal messages. We can apply these lyrics to what resonates with you. The same lyrics sometimes applies to myself and us and my spiritual lover. Lol... here's an example... Janet Kay sings Loving You Loving you, is easy Cause you're beautiful Every day of my life I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah No one else can make me feel The colours that you bring Stay with me, we'll grow old And we can spend Each day in spring time Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time that we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah Songwriters: Richard Rudolph, Minnie Riperton. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Now the music station on YouTube is buffering and having a little trouble to continue to play... it's repeating back to the first song. This buffering is giving me silence and it helps me refocus where I originally wanted to share today, but it was great to just relax and just go with whatever came into my experience to share. At one time I would have considered that as something is going wrong, but that's not how I see it anymore. It's benefiting me... Reminding me... so loving and patient with me... I can get absorbed and I've got some more clarification work I want to do. During this public Journaling process I'm gaining a new perspective and I'm loving it! This transformation I'm going through was drastic for me and I knew it was significant and I was allowing the answers to come from others... but now I'm clarifying it to myself and I really understand much more then using what I assumed is other people's words to understand. Many of us has beautiful ways to explain something that isn't easy to explain because you have to have the experience to understand it. Even when you go through it you may automatically think you understand, but if you don't take time to clarify... you can feel lost in translation because it's the easy thing to do... but it's pretty easy to clarify for ourselves. We are infinitely intelligent. I want to be and express myself authentically so I'm getting the confidence to express authentically. I understand I wasn't in this state before at least that's how I personally experienced it. It seemed like I was less conscious of who I was and what I'm involved in. Now I have created an understanding for myself to move forward without fear. I don't have to be ashamed or embarrased. There doesn't have to be any guilt. And really understanding acceptance at another level. I also realize that I'm not at the state where I'll be stagnant... I'll continue to gain a deeper understanding and i'm excited for that, but damn it right now is really exciting too! I use the death experience as my transformation point because that's when I truly got my own understanding that death is a word that I assumed is complete and final... and I know that is untrue. There just isn't an end. Did I feel like I had a choice whether to be physical or nonphysical? I did... I felt like I had a choice. I chose to continue this physical experience. Again I knew I was beginning to really appreciate this all and I wanted more time to enjoy this experience. I returned... I had a choice. A part of me was loving the fact that I could go into a nonphysical state too. It wasn't scary for me. In fact maybe that's what I'm developing to is become so conscious that experiencing the nonphysical experience is where I'm learning to accept. But again through all my ceremonies I know how patient and loving existence was and is to me. It knows and I know (I'm not sure there's any separation... it's not separated... I'm part of existence... I am existence.) I have a choice and really there's no time limit... If I want to continue then that's acceptable... if I want to experience something different, then that's acceptable too. Whatever I really want I what I experience. Existence is all there is... even if we are physical or not... we still exist... there's no end... we exist period and nothing can change that. So in essence existence is the only thing that is... that is where it is called one. Existence doesn't have anything outside of itself... so in that sense there is not two... its' just one. But the magic of it all is Existence can create whatever it wants. It chooses to create anything. Existence decided to create a world with variety. It's deciding to create an experience for itself to live. It creates the appearance of a physical world because having a form it allows to experience sensations and emotions. Existence gets a chance to think it has separate personalities to experience a two or more. But not only personalities it chose to create other entities with itself as consciousness.. examples we can say is earth, plants, animals, air, water, fire, possibly entirely new forms of consciousness like aliens who aren't directly perceived by the collective in our world. Personally I might have experienced what may be labeled as alien. Lol... what I have directly experienced I could have labeled as alien because it just was so unusual and out of my imagination, but now it's my normal and it's going to continue. Anyway... these entities are existence and consciousness... they have their own style of intelligence and communication skills. But still everything is one... it's all still existence. As the collective grows it's consciousness we start to see the connections that these entities are not separate for our existence to be more fulfilling. We were at a state where we might not see them as significant, but enough groups of conscious entities we can say humans but also the entities themselves want to exist in this experience with us. They are us too. We can choose to exist in harmony and balance. In reality it's happening now. This existence is ultimately and infinitely intelligent. We who seem to have a separate identity and a growing consciousness can create our own opinion whether this is true or not. Existence loves us and is patient with us... We can create whatever opinion we want. Its just happy to experience... It can be happy even when there seems to be bad things going on... these bad things can be described as if there are just a small viewpoint of a small perspective compared to the universal perspective. These bad things can be seen as messages to direct a more conscious future. Maybe we got so obsessed in our own bubble of experience... existence creates these things to wake us out of our personal bubble to see a universal perspective? Gives us an emotion for change. There's something better we can create. Again it seems like it's easier to develop ourselves then it is to develop the collective. The orchestrated artful way of existence is masterful. Love and patience to experience any physical experience as beneficial... It's the best to experience now to continue to mature into an experience we want to share together. I used the word future... it makes me want to ask questions I have because this understanding isn't quite clear to me still... that's what's great... i'm going to continue to learn... does existence have to learn? Does it already know where everything is leading? To the nonphysical? I've directly experienced images of my future. How can that be? What's this experience when I get deja'vu? It's like I recognized I've experienced this before but I didn't remember. But then there was a time I knew what was going to happen and I was trying to watch the way I was thinking because I was going to create it to happen... and it did.. lol... even though I didn't really want it to happen, but again it led to experiences I really enjoyed which i didn't know about. So was it already orchestrated for me to create the situation to happen so i don't get stuck in that experience because there was something i wanted to experience more? I've labeled myself as a shaman and people assume what that means. When I went to explore this about myself.. I couldn't imagine this could be possible, but ceremonies revealed it to me as a possibility. I chose to explore it more, but I went into as if I approached ceremony. I didn't know what a shaman meant for me and I want to surrender to the experiences and see how I gain my understanding. I didn't know where to start except for the shamans I've met. But I didn't want to limit myself to just these shamans... so I started sharing more ceremonies with other shamans. I noticed everyone had their own way of handling ceremony. It seemed that they gave me suggestions of what I am drawn to do in ceremonies when i'm a vessel in ceremony. I realized quickly that none of these shamans are going to teach me how to be my shamanism. Even though I thought I wanted the easy way... I'd just copy and mimick a shaman that I was drawn to and I'd just follow their lead. That just wasn't possible for me... lol.... in fact that might be the reason I chose to work with shamans I couldn't speak their language. Unconsciously I didn't want them to teach me with their words. I could learn from their actions and behaviors and once we share ceremony.. I can gain deeper understanding of who I was becoming and what I can learn from the people I share ceremony with. I decided to do my own style of ceremony by myself after the second or third visit to Peru... I can't remember and I don't want to spend energy trying to figure it out... lol... I just happen to run into a psychedelic that was similar but in a brief session instead of many hours. I didn't know this existed I just happen to run into it. So I wanted to see if i can get personal messages of how I work inside ceremony. It was wonderful... I was learning a little bit.. but all of a sudden I get a message that I have to share... lol... I was so upset thinking this... I'm not ready to share ceremony... who would I even ask? I can't tell people what I'm doing? I don't even want people into my space... my cats are all I want here... lol... So I waited a little while and tried to do ceremony again solo... I must have mistaken the message. Well nothing happened... not anything... it was just literally saying there's nothing more for you to learn unless you start sharing ceremony.... why? well damn it... I want to learn... well shit i'm going to have to start talking people... how does this type of conversation even start? I wasn't really experienced talking about this so I'm fumbling around rambling around... but the more I tried it the better I was getting even though I wasn't perfect by any means... lol... i guess I was perfectly imperfect so I can continue to learn. I started sharing ceremonies... That's when my learning accelerated. I couldn't learn how to be a shaman without observing how I work with the others I share with. I remember I was so afraid I was going to scare my guests. By this time I knew how I respond in ceremony... most of the shamans I worked with in Peru usually sat and sang their Icaros... some had instruments too... some would use tools to touch people (I cant remember what it's called but a group of dried out leaves bundled together... there was only one shaman who seemed to touch me personally and I remember when it was going on it felt odd to me... but then I did it later in another ceremony with other shamans and guests... lol... I would have this long drawn out conversation of how I become someone completely different then the person you're talking with now. I move around... I sing.. I dance... I might even touch you... I don't want you to be scared... whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen... and everything is out of love and learning and healing. After several ceremonies with different people... never once did I ever feel fear from them... it's like once we were in ceremony they understood my intentions and they didn't seem to see my behavior as scary. I gained more confidence in my abilities. When I would return to the ceremonies in Peru with the shamans I worked with... my confidence was coming out stronger... they would since this. At first when I was timid of admitting that I might have shamanic talent they would seem to be dismissive until they had ceremony with me... they understood afterwards... and it was obvious my style was different then what they know of. Then I wouldn't say anything and then they would approach me afterwards where they were getting messages of me to become a shaman. Again it felt good to have confirmations... it continued to increase my confidence. I started getting comments from them that I need to start doing my shamanic dieta training. So I knew I was going to have to be preparing for this. Each shaman has their own way of how they share dieta too. I actually chose one shaman that I wanted to do my first one with, but it wasn't affordable in my opinion... so i went with my original shamans. The female shaman had actually passed when I was visiting... I helped get her body to her family... but ideally I would have wanted for both of them to teach me. The male shaman was who I ended up with... I knew there was hesitation in me working alone with him... but it seemed like this was the correct direction to learn the most of what I could. So I surrendered to the experience to see what I can learn. The three-month dieta was an entirely different setup. I would drink the master plant one night and then the following night I would drink Aya. There were two nights of ceremony in one week. The master plants aren't necessary psychedelics but sometimes I would receive messages in my dreams of what I was going to be working on the next night with Aya. Having this spaced out this way I got a lot of time to digest ceremony more than going back-to-back ceremonies and try to remember what I can use to direct my focus of changes I want to embody. With that time there were many cases where my original thoughts were recontextualized before I'd go into another ceremony the following week. It was really beneficial. I was the student and I was observing the shaman and his style of practices. There's a point in ceremony when I can feel when I turn into shamana... lol... that's how I have described it... I feel and sense things that are heightened... it's when I become the vessel for infinite intelligence to use and work it's magic. I had thought the shaman had to get me to this point of switching and I knew I was asking myself if I can just do it on my own... but it didn't seem I could... Until one ceremony. One ceremony my shaman was struggling to sing his Icaros. I didn't know what was wrong... I knew he was struggling and he continued to try over and over. I wanted to help him out but I didn't have him to turn me into shamana... so I said I'm going to have to try to do it myself. I do a lot of purging probably of limiting beliefs of my own power... but I got myself to shamana mode and I was drawn to sing my Icaros. Help guide him through what he needs at that time. I won't go into the details I felt and messages I heard, but everyone is growing even someone you assume is an authority over you. I went on for hours with different Icaros... waiting for periods to see if he was able to find his voice and sing... I wanted him to join me in ceremony but again he was trapped in his struggle. I finally told him I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep... once I started to fall asleep he called me back. He finally got his voice and he sang three Icaros before he closed the session. I asked him what he remembered from the ceremony the following morning. He said he couldn't remember. I told him he couldn't sing his Icaros... has this ever happened before? He said no. And didn't want to talk about it anymore. That was my first opportunity to lead a ceremony. From my understanding whoever starts the Icaros leads the ceremony. Now he was the one who put the intention into Aya... so I"m not sure what that does... but maybe i'll get a better understanding soon. I had another opportunity to lead which wasn't planned... lol... he was in a nap one ceremony with six other guests... it's actually quite common for me to do this too...there's time before Aya starts to kick in.. so instead of just waiting for it.. i know that you wake up when the time is now... so he was taking a nap and I knew he was... but I also felt that the time was coming... I could feel myself wanting to transform into shamana and i could feel the other's energy that they were ready to explore and receive... so I got into shamana mode... I was trying to delay to wait for him to wake up... I might've even cleared my throat to help wake him up.. lol.. I didn't want to be disrespectful... but whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and once I'm the vessel... I'm guided... and all of a sudden I couldn't help myself but I started singing my Icaros... I was leading. It was absolutely amazing to be able to lead a group of seven of us... what I was able to do and how to connect the group in group messages was unexpected... well not really to be honest... i've been getting messages personally that i'm capable and others are too... but to be able to see it in action instead of just inside my head was surprising... lol... anyway they got another unique approach to ceremony... my approach... even my shaman was surprised... we wasn't struggling this time and was able to receive what I was sharing with him and the others. I got personal messages as well that were new for me and I'm looking forward to gaining more experience that are similar. I started getting messages of finding objects in nature. I've heard stories of shamans finding certain plants to work with because of the messages they receive in ceremony to guide them through the jungle to find these plants. I had never had a direct experience of that as a possibility until then. Well... I've gotten images of plants that I seem to be fascinated with in ceremony which I've never seen before... I even thought that maybe i'll diet and learn from them, but i haven't been able to describe them well enough for any shaman to know what i'm talking about... which is fine... maybe i'll learn when I'm ready... but anyway... I saw things buried in the ground on my shaman's land that I can find. And that's when I got a specific message if i want to find these things then I can put my intention into Aya before ceremony to get the answers during ceremony. I didn't have a shadow of a doubt during ceremony that this was possible. I even mentioned it to my shaman and he didn't have a doubt in me either. I told him we're not ready now, but when I return we'll work on it. It happens to be in an area of his land he already started clearing out and placed a little shack there, but it's already broken down because it used leaves as the roof instead of metal. But anyway he said he knew there was something there that's why he started clearing it out... well i confirmed to him... there's something there and it's in the ground. So that's my first experience of a future vision that can actually be verified in the physical world... lol... well in a sense I guess... At least a physical vision where the result won't take many years to accomplish.... lol... In my head I can see that I need to save enough money to rent excavating equipment, be able to get the equipment where the location is, participate in ceremony to help guide me, learn how to use the equipment, and hopefully get guidance on what to do with the land i'm digging up... what to build in this area once i remove these things.. and possibly use the excavating equipment for the projects already decided before I return it. Once i get these items I can figure out what to do with them... there's one that i'm really drawn to for some reason I feel it has to do with communication... but i have no clue what that really means... lol... but other things I think are going to be shared with the village. But anyway... this isn't anything I have any experience with. But I know I can figure it out and I can learn so it wasn't too overwhelming for me. Now I get so excited when I have ceremonies it's easy for me to tell the people I know who don't even know what ceremony is only by my stories. I don't even take my time to ground and clarify... my passion and excitement is so driven to express that once I share.... I got several reactions to my ceremony. Are you sure that's possible? Maybe it's just symbolic? Wow you're ceremonies just get even crazier... lol... I had a few of my friends who trust me that was open to my experience. I even have one friend who's been wanting to do ceremony with volunteer to run the excavating equipment and he can share ceremony while he's there. We've been helping each other out for a few years now. Last time I was there he was supposed to join me... lol... he was in Lima airport and they said he didn't have enough months left on his expiration date of his passport to enter. They sent him on the next flight back to the States... it's crazy, but I know that it just wasn't time for him to join us.... lol So there was something else that happened during ceremonies that was similar because it seemed like I was going to be finding something in nature. It wasn't going to be in the jungle... it's going to be in the mountains. What I can connect at this time which is subject to change when I continue to get messages of clarification... but what I can say for now is it's going to involve a group of people using horses to explore the mountains looking for something. I believe it's a water source... a healing water source... but I cannot verify it and these messages were spread out between three different ceremonies where I was alone with Aya for the first time ever. I was definitely not grounded and it was slapping me in the face how ungrounded i was, but doing Aya alone for the first time.. these messages were very personal and gave me unusual messages that no one can believe... lol... which took it's toll when I tried to express them to people... even my close family couldn't believe me. That's why I feel I have to keep some things secret... if too many of the collective don't believe me then it's going to make it that much harder... if i keep it to more of a select group of conscious people who support me or at least curious to see how it plays out would be better. In my mind to be successful I'd like the whole world to know and help support us... especially thinking about the safety of the guests with me. I feel like majority of us are going to be shamans who are going to be drinking Aya to receive messages to guide us. I feel like i'm learning a new way to draw quickly from memory to help guide us to the locations to rest. I can go on and on how much I'm trying to figure out what skills and supplies which would be needed for this expedition. Again this is not familiar to me at all... this is entirely new... when I started to gather the data to complete this message was overwhelming to me... I couldn't see how to pull it off... There was so much to learn that I didn't know where to start... I thought maybe i had to start learning how to be with horses... how to take care of them and feed them, etc... I was coming back to the States and I figured I'd can find jobs in all these areas to start learning. But i wasn't grounded and didn't have clarification... My energy was sensitive so any attempt to work...it was obvious to me that i wasn't ready to just waste my energy in that current situation... that's how I found my way back to my dad's place.. my sanctuary to rest... my sanctuary to purge my history of physical and emotional baggage... which is what i'm doing right now. Ideally I'd love to just pay people to learn from them instead of working for them. That's what I'd love to do is just have enough abundance to work with people who have skills i want to learn and make it worth it to them to help me out. lol... that's how i look at most of my jobs lately... they don't know that i would actually pay them to teach me because these are skills i want to learn... lol.. maybe one day soon i can do that. Not maybe.. it's going to happen and i'm in process of creating this to experience it. Another thing coming up right now is my first time I thought I experienced a spirit guide. I've heard people say that but i never had a direct experience with that... in ceremonies I felt like its infinite intelligence... it wasn't a form... and I gained awareness it's really me helping guide me with the help of my connection to infinite intelligence. So during my three solo Aya ceremonies i had one dream that was just as clear with it's message as my ceremonies can be. I was in a house and there were several men sleeping... I was walking to each of them and examining their faces... I was looking for someone specific.. i'm not afraid to confess I was looking for my spiritual lover. But i couldn't find him with us. While I was searching it seemed like someone was talking to me asking me questions and I was talking back. It asked me if I know where I am... I said yes... I know this place.. it was waiting until I searched the last man and was unsuccessful at finding him I was standing next to the bed and there was a large window with curtains blowing with the wind but i wasn't really paying attention... I was kind of in a dissapointed state because I couldn't find him with us. The voice asked again... where are you? I looked out the window and said I'm in Nepal... right? Those are the mountains of Nepal. The voice then replied he will follow you there... I was still standing next to bed and all of a sudden there was someone who was rubbing my foot to comfort me. Instantly I thought it was him... under the bed so I bent down to see who it was... and I was shocked and the other seemed shocked too... lol... it wasn't a human the bed was dark in shadows and I didn't see a figure... it seemed like there was floating eyes looking around as if surprised and also it might have felt if i was going to be scared of it... the eyes had a hat on like a cowboy hat on... and we just were in each other's presence... I wasn't afraid i was just curious. I woke up... again I thought this must be a spirit guide people talk about. But after time past... I started to question whether that's who that was or not... I started to begin to think... i think that was another version of me... I tend to comfort people by rubbing their feet... I did that a lot when I was my grandparent's hospice nurse when they were in the hospital and when they were home... i do that at times for people who are sharing ceremony with me too. And I ended up buying a hat that was similar to what I saw in the dream... I call it my Indiana Jones hat... lol... I'm going to become an explorer... Trying to switch my identity to embrace these new messages where I'm not just working on myself but working with others... and in areas I haven't had direct experience with yet. Was that me? Am I my spirit guide? Was that a future version of myself giving me encouragement to not give up? Can I just ignore these visions I received in the jungle? Why should I? Everyone has the chance to make reasons why they do what they want to do... why can't I do the same thing? There is no possible way that I can conceive that's going to make the desire and urge to see what my life will be like to make these visions come to life. I don't care what others think of me now... I know this is how I want to continue my experience here in the physical. I know it's not going to be exactly what I expect right now... but it's going to be more then I expect... this reality just loves to give you more than your imagination in my experience. That's how my imagination continues to grow. And maybe because I'm more conscious I can have more of a say to direct this experience too now. I might ask myself... am i going to be doing this because this is a way to be with my spiritual lover? Yes and no... again he has no clue how powerful his introduction into my life has done for me. I've tried to explain and I know it makes him uncomfortable... I couldn't express myself with clarity. I wasn't clear back then anyway so that was going to be impossible. And how it was introduced and continues to be included in my experience. It's gotten to the point where I was like he's just my holy grail or my golden apple. It's just an idea to inspire me to live the best life possible. Even if he doesn't end up wanting to share this experience with me... i cannot complain about him being my muse to inspire and create changes in my life... it led me here and I'm so extremely in love with myself. I do not regret any of this. And again who I'm attracting will extremely love themselves as well... if not... I won't be attracted and i'm wanting to experience my full potential while I decide to experience this physical world. I don't want to be definitive with this answer, because I want him to choose this with me. I want to start creating visions as collective visions. I'm excited to hear visions of others I can collaborate with. Lol... I didn't know that my thoughts were going to lead down this road... this was definitely one thing i was questioning whether to share or not... but it just flowed out... i thought i was going to tell what i did today and what i'm doing to start to clear my chaos physically and emotionally with my daily life... but this whole session wasn't in my plan... but i guess it's something I need to do for my benefit. It's a good time to take a break... maybe I'll come back in a few... or maybe I'll go to sleep... we'll see

There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. (I don't want to use the word "not" or even "separation"... there's a better way to say this.) Existing in unification with Spirituality. The union of myself and my spirituality is my existence. To be in union with existence is my spirituality. (lol... it's funny i'm trying to find my own words about what i know and it seems it like what the master's are trying to say... it's just my version of it... lol... but this is from my own experience instead of interpreting their words.) We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. ( yes there is complexity and variety, but that also implies there's simplicity and similarity... what would i like to use to help raise consciousness? To engage with life with a taste for curiosity that will never be fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. (I can call it a challenge, but does it have to be?) To accept intuition's whispers for clarity. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? (We are ready to be ready... we're already doing it... without extra effort it's not really necessary... it's happening.) right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. (Alright time to rest...)

let's listen to "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! So... where can I begin... shit loads of purging really helps me out but damn there's so much to purge... lol I'll start just telling about the day... was going pretty good but ran into an emotional conversation and I'm starting to find it easier to understand where I am and what I want to put my focus on... anyway I stayed up after my entry last night to take my grandma to church. we got their early and were chatting in the car. The sun was warming me up and I noticed I was getting tired. I told her I'm going to go ahead and take a nap while she spends the hour and a half at church. She didn't have a problem with it, and when I went to drop her off she invited me for lunch. She knows that I like the African cooking she's made in the past. It was good to talk to my step-brother. Usually the boys are working so much I don't get a chance to have an actual conversation. It was very nice to here his perspective on life. He's noticing what qualities he enjoys in a job, but also what he wants to change. He's wanting to be an entrepreneur and I loved hearing that and I wanted to support him. In conversation we were talking about the interpretations of failure and rejection. I told him that most people interpret these words as negative words and to avoid them, but in reality these are words that can really help you grow faster. Failure can be your attempt to find solutions that are working for you. It's only negative if you give up afterwards. If you want it badly enough then failures won't stop you. Told him to get past the feelings of rejection. Rejection allows you not to waste your time with that person or situation. You're not in alignment and something else is waiting to say yes to you. If you get rejected, you don't actually have to waste your time as much. Regardless he was thankful to have a heart-felt conversation. He said he doesn't get that too often... most of the people tell him he's reaching to high that he should just be happy with what he has. And he knows he's not happy... he knows the people speaking aren't happy so he's already gaining confidence to listen to himself what is truthful for him. He's looking for freedom and autonomy. of course I support that and told him he's already on the road to gain that in his experience. I also suggest Leo's videos and even the clips in case he doesn't have long attention spans... lol I had an enjoyable lunch with grandma. She likes to talk about Africa and I'm sure I'm going to visit one day so I like hearing what she says. We eat with our hands in her dishes she makes and I absolutely love that experience. Feeling the texture of the food with my fingers is satisfying for me. Just like I love biting into juicy fruits and it starts dripping on the sides of my mouth... lol I returned and took a nap. When I got up I started looking at all the material stuff I've been storing at my pops place and it just seems pretty easy to just let it go right now. There's still things like photos of family growing up that I'm not quite ready to give up... lol... I've purged a lot of them in the past and these still hold value to me and for my dad too. As I'm sorting and clearing the material items... i can start asking spiritual questions too... this idea i have of the physical world disappearing... am I trying to leave things to attach to... to give me a reason to continue to experience this physical world longer. Is that why I returned the last time... I didn't know if i was going to just leave this existence... I started listing everything I'm going to miss... I feel like the secret I am hiding to myself is the desire to not be physical... it's only an idea right now... but there's no finality or ending... so why do i have to rush out of this experience either? I'm starting to really appreciate this physical world and i'm excited to be engaged with it... it's not like I have anything else better to do... why can't i be ok with wanting to be a part of the physical world. This vessel is giving so many opportunities to sense this world and I enjoy that. When I'm ready to be nonphysical... I won't have this vessel... i'm sure i'll get to a point where that's my desire again, but i'm not ready for that. Do I think I have to give myself reasons to continue experiencing? I'm just having odd sensations that when I'm packing things up that it's a finale of my past... even though I know there's not an ending in an existential sense, but do i need to end my attachment to the unconscious person which was created without me really knowing I could make it a more conscious person. So I'm not going to go into too many details... but the relationship with my sister-in-law has affected my relationship with my nieces and nephews and my brother. She has been an amazing trigger for me. She really shows me my emotional baggage I had tied up for being accepted and worthy. I realize she's unconscious and so was I... So unconscious doesn't really exist i'm just using words that show a difference in the degree of consciousness.. She's obviously conscious, but she's not conscious of how much more conscious she is becoming.... lol... wonder why it's hard to communicate... because words are symbolic yet its the common tool to communicate... lol.. anyway I'm more conscious of how I feel around her. At first it was just reactions and now I just continue to observe her behavior and her choice of words that repels me. I know she's teaching me through being less triggered... so i can see growth there... but do I need to continue to be in her energy so i can have opportunities to visit with my family. Yeah she doesn't consider me family so that's why it's been a challenge... I love the kids and the kids love me too.. I'm in heaven when I get the chance to be with them. Even if they're rotten at times... I love seeing their personalities developing and even testing authority... it's good stuff and their psychological development is interesting. I admittedly have a fear that their mother's emotional instability will condition them negatively, but they're extremely intelligent and I know ultimately, they know they'll figure out their way to happiness for themselves. It just getting clearer that there's a great intelligence working here... that what is happening is perfection... and I keep asking myself why am I questioning this perfection... instead can i start to see how it's working and again learn from it. So I've been habitual in helping others... more and more times infinite intelligence continues to show how that affects me when I spend more attention then myself. I'm getting better at not putting so much on my plate... but it's still there. I see all these opportunities for helping other people where I'm going to have to make a commitment if I want to be a responsible solution. But that means I'm going to have to commit to staying here for other people. During this purification and clarity process... I want to commit to myself and see where that leads. I feel an itch of change and I'm wanting movement. Indiana has been perfect for what I needed to do to regain energy... purging and gaining clarity for direction... and I'm deciding not to be here... lol... so i've been trying to tell everyone i engage with i don't know how long i'll be here... it makes them uncomfortable but i'm trying to get use to not having to tie me down. I tell them freedom is what i'm looking for... and i know i have material and emotional ties that are here from my past and I want to clear them to free myself and allow new opportunities in. So i don't know how long that will take me, but once it's cleared I want the freedom to choose whatever I want to do next. I feel guilty that I know people who need help and is asking me. I respect them so I tell them what i can to help... but they want more...they want my energy, focus, and time... i still have a part of me feeling like it's a bad thing to want to spend my energy, focus, and time on myself. I mean I do it to some extent already... but can i remove this guilt? I know they are intelligent enough to overcome these issues... there's so many more solutions without me. In fact specifically it's towards my family. I've gained enough personal power to let others know when I don't want to spend my attention, focus, and time on them. I come up with a friendly way to say it but when it comes to my family it's hard for me not to feel guilty. I run into many situations where I'm not being affective so i feel there's more for me to experience to get better. I know there are people who are open to suggestions and give reciprocal feedback. Is it bad to be drawn to those situations... instead of feeling like people just want to steal my energy... lol... i'm not at a point where i can give it away as freely as i would like, but maybe if i focus on myself to develop that... in no time at all I can do that. but even in the style of shamanism i'm developing it seems like i'm not going to be the type working on every individual to help out... I'm getting messages to be able to be affective for a large amounts of people at a time. Instead of spreading my energy out to several directions at one time where I feel most of them have walls up that i have to wait for them to take down to be any help... Maybe I can gain enough energy and then find out how I can direct that into something i'm guided to do to effect several people... lol i know what i'm trying to say but i don't know how to express it... lol... but i'm starting to understand to be conscious to be comfortable of where you're at and what happens... to relax and just see the perfection play out with ease instead of making a big deal or challenge out of it all.. lol... maybe that's the true message... Observe the perfection and let it guide me. I don't need to do anything... just become a part of the perfection. Perfection has led me here which i'm thankful for... trust it's always working out for the best

@AndylizedAAY My Suggestion: Honestly... You are the only intelligence who can figure out what you need. You're already doing it. You're going to allow however long it takes for you to process. You don't need to judge yourself on how you process. You're going to find the solutions you're looking for. Trust yourself! Example on one way for me to suggest interpreting a conscious suggestion: (What you can take from that... is every time I'm speaking to you... you can change it to an I) An example of how I can interpret the words of another who is trying to guide me: "Honestly... I am the only intelligence who can figure out what I need. I'm already doing it. I'm going to allow however long it takes for me to process. I don't need to judge myself on how I process. I'm going to find the solutions I'm looking for. Trust myself! Now we've created an affirmation to help us gain more confidence and trust in ourselves without judging how long it's taking... it's going to take however long we need. (In reality... we're helping each other) My Suggestion: If you're looking for a technique... this Journal is powerfully working for me. Maybe it can work for you too? I don't know if it will. But once you start, trust yourself, you'll know if it's working for you. Example on one way for me to suggest interpreting a conscious suggestion: (What you can take from that... is every time I'm speaking to you... you can change it to an I) An example of how I can interpret the words of another who is trying to guide me: "If I'm looking for a technique... this Journal is powerfully working for her. Maybe it can work for me too? I don't know if it will. But once I start, trust myself, I'll know if it's working for me. (These examples are explaining to you why I cannot give you the perfect recommendation(s). I know what works for me, but I don't know what works for you. But I trust you can find your way.) The knowledge I'm learning from chaos to clarity is in progress... I don't have clarity yet... I'm still figuring out the answers for myself. it's only been a week of trying to clarify, but it seems I have more purging than answers. But then I also feel like I have answers that I'm trying to hide from myself in the chaos. In this process I'm trying to expose myself of hiding truths that I'm ready to face now. (Which I wasn't ready to face before and I'm fine with that) And I will continue increasing my consciousness to clarify more. Does this help?

I went to sleep for about four hours and I woke up realizing I didn't set the alarm, I used the restroom, and then I laid back down to go back to sleep... I was asking myself if I'm really afraid that all of this experience of a physical nature and the perception of interaction with objects will just disappear... I had this feeling before when I was going through my transition in my ceremonies... I had experienced that it was time for me to just not exist. I remember how I told myself I'm just now getting the hang of this existence... i'm getting to the point where I'm appreciating this reality... and I'm still wanting to live it more fully... but I also was in the surrender phase so if it was my time to not experience this anymore then it's my time. There's also an experience that wasn't in my direct awareness it's like a vision of my future where I'm just sitting there deeply contemplating what reality is and then I suddenly see white light and that's all that left and it's as if everything I knew as physical disappears. I'm calm when I'm viewing this but then I know i feel like i'm afraid that it will happen. I'm trying to go back into my direct experience... what do I know? I know that in the ceremonies I had that feeling... it was peaceful even though I was accepting my fate to not exist in this world. It was my mind in the state of consciousness that really started to run rampant. In fact the more I allowed my mind in that state run I ended up telling myself... I'm never going to experience having sex and more. I had been celibate and now i'm going to die without allowing myself to have sex, and I'm going to miss that. ideally I wanted to have sex with someone who has been present in my ceremonies for four years. He has been a muse to me without him realizing to what extent. Because he wasn't with me physically it was easy for me to become celibate. The depth of my messages of him inspired me some much that I knew what had touched me so deeply that I couldn't be so careless to allow myself or others to express anything less than the love and curiosity I feel for him. I can't pretend that I want to experience sexual relations with someone I dont want to share those experiences with... not just with anyone because they're in my physical experience out of convenience. I feel I have a responsibility to myself and to others... I don't want to pretend that there's a bond that i want to create with them that involves a sexual nature. I know I just don't want to have sex with this man. I know that there is going to be so much depth to our relationship that it will be deeply spiritual. He's already my spiritual lover... I've been giving myself time and space to prepare for our intense reunion, and allowing time and space for him to prepare too. I know the deeper I go into my spirituality, the more i'm going to attract my lover who is just as spiritual. But I'm developing emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, creatively, physically... The more I do this, the more i'll attract my lover who is developing himself to higher degrees as well. Before my dad went to sleep he put a meatloaf in the oven. He asked me to turn off the oven and put the meatloaf away. I set an alarm because we both knew I'd get lost into my Journal. So I had to do that real quick) If you've ever experienced a psychedelic then you might understand what i'm saying when I give this example. Especially if you have experienced the depth and unknowness of the experience and the magnitude of difference we originally perceive from the waking world. Well he would be my psychedelic lover and anyone else would be the waking world... lol... now that I'm experiencing the waking world as a ceremony without psychedelics... i'm starting to transition my ideas of a psychedelic, spiritual lover into a manifestation of the waking world too. It's not like I just have visions in the jungle about a man out there somewhere. We have met. We met on our first ceremonies of Aya five and a half years ago. Before we all shared our ceremonies for the first time I remember how we instantly were attracted to each other. At my state of consciousness at that time, the first thing that I was attracted to was how handsome he was. I happened to be in the van that went to pick him up from the airport. We were pulling up and he was standing there and my heart started racing... "wow... i'm so fucking lucky that I chose this van"... lol... automatically I qualified myself not worthy though... "but he's probably too good for me." So he was getting help to put his bags on top and got into the van. I remember I watched him get in with a friendly smile, but I didn't want to stare... or be too obvious... lol... so I looked out my window and waited for the van to continue... I was giving it time before I went to check him out again. But in my periphery I actually noticed he was checking me out. I was trying to play it cool and pretended I didn't notice. But I remember I was happy that he actually was seeming to maybe think i was attractive too. But I was playing it cool... and I'm pretty good socially and there was all this new stuff going on so I just went with it and tried to be in the moment as much as i could be in my current state of consciousness which I didn't really realize existed like I am more aware of now. There were other moments that I saw our eyes connect with curiosity. When we all gathered into the long wooden boat... it seemed like we wanted to get seats close to each other but not that close... I wanted a good distance to observe him. Also we had a choice of three rooms to pick to sleep and place our belongings... I walked into a room and turned to see if he was going to choose the same room, but three other guys followed me in and so our room was full. I saw him watching me and even noticed a slight hesitation that maybe he should've acted quicker, but two rooms were already filled and so I watched him walk to the remaining room. To be honest I don't know when we had our first one on one conversation... for the most part we had conversations with the group and so we were feeling each other out in a subtle way. I just want to say there is a lot more to my experience of the first of my Aya ceremonies, but I'm choosing to remember my thoughts about this spiritual lover of mine... and at this time I didn't even think that this is my spiritual lover... he was just some stranger who happened to be at the same retreat as I was. He was handsome yes, but many men are handsome. It wasn't until I experienced my ceremonies did something else evolve into my awareness. Lol... I'm not sure if i'm repeating myself or not... it's getting hard to distinguish the conversation I'm typing from the conversation in my mind... but I'll just go with it... if I repeat myself it's only to get into the the context of what i'm expressing at this time. In the first ceremonies I was getting visions from eight of the other guests there for ceremony. They were talking to me, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got a vision of him and he was sleeping. I got a few visions of him during the ceremony, but always he was sleeping. I was concerned after ceremony that these people were in my ceremonies... i was told that these ceremonies deal with you personally... so why were others in my experience? and why couldn't i hear what they were saying to me? The second ceremony was when my entire reality was shattered but in a great way... after this ceremony I knew I was never going to be the same. What I considered impossible was happening and so I knew that there is so much more than what I thought I knew. Especially when I started singing Icaros in a language I only heard the night before. Not just singing any Icaros but the same Icaros the female shaman was singing... I knew the song and I was creating a harmony with her with ease. Not only did it shock me but it shocked the facilitators who've been a part of the retreat for years with these shamans. They hadn't seen that before. Most of the time I was sending out positive vibes of love and encouragement for people (mostly the eight that had shown themselves to me on the first ceremony) and sending my energy abundance for the shamans to draw on for assistance. At that state of consciousness, I thought I was being possessed by Gaia or Aya themselves... I never thought that it was a side of me awakening and showing itself to me and others. No way was I capable of having those powers. I started getting an awareness of who the shamans were working on directly. It's pitch black, maybe I have an awareness that I knew where people were when we began... and I can still sense when they moved from one person to the other and who that person was. When they were working on him my body was in a state of ecstatic euphoric bliss. I didn't need to send my energy or vibes out for assistance at those times. Instead it was as if my body and soul was letting me know something my mind couldn't fathom at that time. But I didn't want my mind to take over... I just let my body and emotions express itself and the laughter and elation and the sexual arousal was out of this world. In that moment I was realizing this strange man was the man i've been waiting for this whole time. (after the ceremony my mind would return questioning the experience whether this can be possible or not, but in the moment I knew) I reached a point of complete surrender so i wasn't hiding any of my responses in ceremony... in fact that's what the female shaman had said when we asked how I was able to sing Icaros with her the next day during the recalling of our experience. When you completely surrender anything can happen. I wasn't the first guest to do that... she said i was the second. When I was expressing my experience of the entire second ceremony I get really caught up in my emotions and I remember even briefly mentioning my sexual frustration with a guest and gestured his way but not trying to catch his eyes and I said it quickly enough that most probably didn't catch it. I thought maybe he didn't either, but he confirmed from a later conversation that he heard it but then questioned if i actually said it out loud... lol... the guests who were laying next to me in ceremony mentioned how much energy they were feeling from me... it was intense for them. One of them was laughing at himself and at me, because when I was in that ecstatic state he said i was arousing him with all the noises i was making... lol The third ceremony I connected to my Samoan side. I mentioned I wasn't really sure about the culture since I hadn't lived it for most of my life, but during this ceremony I started doing the "sa'sa" dance. It's a style of dance the Samoans do when they use their body and the floor or ground to create rhythms. Normally it's done in a group setting but again it was as if my body and soul knew exactly what it was doing as if i had been doing this my entire life. I didn't let my mind stop me. So not only do you have two shamans singing their Icaros... you have a guest creating percussion beats and rhythms using her body and floor throughout the ceremony...lol... I had an endless stream of energy... and again I just wanted to send my love, encouragement, and energy for everyone to use to help heal whatever they were going through. I remember thinking we all chose to come here and work out the shit that's stopping us... you can do it! we can do it! Let's do it! We're doing it! I was chanting as well but it wasn't the Samoan language... it wasn't Shipibo either... it was a language I hadn't heard before but damn it for some reason it was natural. Not always did i know what i was saying but at other times i was getting the impression of the what i was saying. I don't remember having any messages of him... i was focused on the collective as a whole not singling out my attention on one person at a time. lol.. i remember that the shamans finished their Icaros and they have to wait until our energies settle before they close ceremony... I was so full of energy that I didn't want to stop i just started doing it softer. It was getting so quiet around us and I knew I should stop soon but i just couldn't stop until i knew it was time to stop. the comments I got from everyone the next day were very humorous. How were you doing that? You're a one person band? I couldn't imagine anyone being able to snap as quickly as you were. I thought there were insects in the room at one time... I remember feeling the same way when i was tapping my nails on the floor during a section of ceremony... lol Those first ceremonies I just couldn't believe how scared i was when i went but in ceremony it's like i've never been as happy as i was while i was in them... Each ceremony my mind would think there's nothing that can beat this ceremony this has to be the best ceremony i'll ever have... but each one kept getting better and better. Again people next to me would mention how my energy was affecting them by being next to me... it was as if new people would find their way to lay next to me to see what it felt like... lol There was a day when we did a day hike on the land and I know he and I finally made our way next to each other to get some one on one time. I was amused because I'm so short compared to him and he's like a giant. I felt like it was easy for me to move around the jungle with my height, but I could see the extra effort he had to do to get around. He scraped his back on a fallen tree he was trying to duck under. There was a few us that ended up getting bees stuck in our hair. I can't remember if he was the one that ran into it or not... lol... maybe because he's so tall but anyway these bees are burrowing bees so it felt like they were trying to burrow into your skull... I was so high on life that I was laughing about it and just slowly trying to remove them from my hair and everyone was helping each other out so it didn't take long. but our guide said that stories say that if you encounter these bees unexpectedly it a sign of fertility soon. During this day I knew he was gaining more interest in me and he was trying to get to know me a little more personally. When I was going through these experiences again my mind was like how is this possible... what's really going on? and who in the hell is this guy? My approach at that time is to keep my distance and observe.... I'm not going to approach him let me see if he wants to approach me or not... this could all just be in my head. But I started to get confirmation that at least there's a mutual attraction going on. We all gathered into a boat to ride down the river... again we wanted to be close but not too close... everyone had their cameras out recording and taking pictures of the beauty we found ourselves in. All of a sudden the guide picked out monkeys... it's the guides land and so he's been building a relationship with these monkey... lol... i had a nickname the jungle man for him... not too inventive but still... lol... he started to call to him with the noises... I'm recording all of this they are making their way through the trees and all of a sudden they're climbing down the trees to enter our boat. and the guide was already passing out bananas for us to feed them...i wasn't even aware of it because i was looking through the view of my camera and I didn't want to miss the opportuinity to capture footage of my first monkeys in their natural habitat.. and then they are right next to us... sitting on our laps moving from one to another... climbing on our bodies and shoulders to get from one place to another... one ended up sitting next to the ledge by me and i was able to pet him and just touch him sending out vibes of safety and love. There was another monkey that started to fall and I caught him before he hit anything.. they were wrapping around our bodies with their long tails... it was just absolutely amazing! So I have my camera trying to capture it all and I also found myself trying to get some footage of him during this experience but again not trying to linger long and being too obvious of my attraction towards him. I still have the footage and I caught him recording me and he was kind of in awe of me and then caught himself... and went back to engaging with everything going on. After a while we ended up in a large open area of the river and the guide pointed out the pink dolphins... I'm hunting around with my camera trying to capture footage of them. He stopped the boat to see if anyone was interested in swimming. I knew I wanted to... I looked at him to see if he was going to dive in or not.. and we were checking out what we were going to decide... we didn't bring swimsuits we'd just have to go in with what we had on. Actually maybe we did have swimsuits on... i think he had his swim shorts on and maybe i had one on under my clothes. I don't remember removing my clothes I just looked at him and I started taking off my boots and he did too and we just dove into the water. It's so refreshing to swim in the river. Every morning during the retreat I would swim in the river while everyone was still sleeping... I'd do it before I would do some yoga and breathing techniques until it was breakfast time. Any way... I wasn't swimming with him... i was enjoying how much I love to swim and because of how everything was going I thought maybe the pink dolphins would come and swim with us... lol... they didn't but it was so nice... everything was so right We ended up on a sandy beach where we docked and allowed everyone to walk around. We were all so peaceful and happy... As I was walking, I found a few fish bones that I recognized the female shaman using in her jewelry. I found three of them and so i figured i'd give them to her so she can use them. I did when we returned. We don't speak the same language so I was telling her to make her jewelry with what I found and left it at that. The fourth ceremony is a little hazy to me now. I remember before we started he came to lay next to me but not right next to me. He had a space for someone to lay between us. I remember chuckling and said it's much safer to not be next to me. If you're next to me it could be dangerous... lol... he laughed and said I like a little danger... and I commented that might be what you say now... But the most of what I remember is feeling like I was a caterpillar in it's cocoon transforming. I had a vision of a swampy unhealthy location which was a symbol of my digestive system. I need to change my behavior of what i'm allowing myself to consume. I wasn't too outwardly active. This was definitely my own internal ceremony. I believe I even fell asleep for a while in my little cocoon. I was hardly sleeping while I was there. I didn't sleep in my bed except for the last night... I'd always try to sleep for a while in the maloka...the ceremonial room. Usually there were two other girls that would sleep there with me. I had so much energy that my sleep wouldn't last long and I'd make my way to the river for my routine while I was there. The two girls were roommates back in Utah.. They are amazing women and there's so much i'm leaving out because I'm just trying to recall the gist of my experience with this Spiritual man. One of the girls mentioned one time after her ceremony during our group discussions... that she saw two of the guests together in the ceremony...I heard her, but I didn't know she was talking to me. It could've been any of us. After the retreat and we were back into the main city to leave did she end up confronting me about it. She knew it was me and she knew it was him. She said we were snakes entangling ourselves around a staff moving upwards. It was like we were a living caduceus. She also said that she and i were building a green temple together. The female shaman gave me my bones back in necklace form... I was so surprised... I didn't know she thought I wanted her to make me necklaces from what I found. I loved them though and it felt really special to me. I had three and so I kept one and I knew I wanted to give him one, and I had another friend who I was building a good relationship with... he's actually the one i was singing the Icaros towards in the second ceremony. So I gave him the last one. When I gave it to my Spiritual lover, he accepted it with an open heart. When he tried it on though it was too small... so I had to try to explain to the female shaman that I needed her to extend it... using sign language techniques and pointing at him... she understood. And now we've come to the fifth ceremony the final ceremony of this retreat. He decided it's time to be next to me in ceremony. I was excited and nervous at the same time... This is where I'm starting to feel a little hesitation. I want to not be ashamed and embarrassed. Early I said there are things in my past that I thought was embarrassing but I have healed those already... but as my mind had time to continue processing I knew there were things still in my memory that I'm embarrassed and ashamed of I haven't healed. But I realize there's nothing to be ashamed of because it just happened to be where my state of consciousness was and I didn't know any better. This spiritual man.... because it's so fantastical is something that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of expressing to others. I've tried to express them with friends and family and because of their state of consciousness and their experiences... there's no way that could be happening to me... i'm just hallucinating. In fact this spiritual man was the one that told me these are "just visions in the jungle" There's nothing deeper than that. I was confident in some of my messages during ceremony... especially when they dealt with only me... like the digestive cleansing and also somehow naturally having shamanic abilities. But the rest especially dealing with him I wasn't so confident in. I would allow them to convince or at least put doubt in me that I was looking at it all wrong. but also there's another part that remembers how clearly I was understanding the situation during ceremony... so powerfully and with certainty that I couldn't ignore either. There was definitely this back and forth battle I was dealing with. He and I have been in contact since these first ceremonies and let me tell you it wasn't what i expected. And I know it makes him uncomfortable expressing my curiosity towards him. At first he was caught in the flow of it all and then when he returned back into his "real life" away from ceremony... it was apparent that our experience was just a result of hallucinations and fake feelings and emotions we shared, but in real life this cannot continue. These are not his words these are my interpretation of what he was expressing to me. But again why am I hesitant to continue... because he's a private man. He's been recording spiritual podcasts since he returned from the ceremonies and at one time he was with a group that showed their faces. He however placed a virtual figure over himself as if he was wearing a mask so others couldn't see who his true identity is. What is he hiding from others and himself? Why am I concerned that he's going to be upset if I continue to share our experience with the collective? Who's going to read this anyway? As far as I know from how he's spoken to me... we just happen to be friendly with each other from time to time. I'm just some girl he had a few good times with, but I'm out there... I'm crazy and intense... my life experience is completely different from his own... and he can't or doesn't want to understand that. (What he thinks about me is from his judgements on me... he doesn't want to confirm the truth by actually getting to know me.) We're from two different countries and he's not ready to have a serious relationship... with someone long distance... or maybe never at all. (I had experienced polyamorous relationships before and I remember asking him if that's an option because I don't want him to stop wanting to share relationsips with other people if he wants to, but I'd like to get to know him better and would like to start a relationship with him that involves sharing feelings about his and my experiences) She might be sweet and spiritual, but her understanding of spirituality is whoo-whoo... it's not a true in-depth search into spirituality. (He is so closed minded about the "proper" way to do spirituality... in fact because he doesn't have an open mind in this area... it's hard to be attracted to him) I also think he assumes I'm interested in him for his money... I literally didn't even think about his money... i didn't care what money he has... that wasn't anything I cared about when I'm looking for a romantic partner. In fact I usually stayed cleared of men with money because i felt ashamed that i was poor. When I started to get the picture, he had a good job and probably made decent money i could hear my insecurities welling up inside me. But because of the intensity of the messages, I was trying to overcome that insecurity to give it a chance. Am I still attached to the words he expressed to me now? Maybe a little because I remember it affecting me. But what do you know now about this situation? I know I wasn't conscious and neither was he. Can i blame myself or him for not being conscious... no it's just how it is... we don't know until we know. Am I conscious? yes... but i know my consciousness will continue to mature, but there does seem to be a huge shift of what being conscious means. Is he conscious? he is, but he hasn't hit the huge shift yet... but I know he will continue to mature too. I get confirmations all the time of this during ceremonies. But I can read his behavior and hear the words he speaks to determine his level of consciousness and I can confirm in my direct experience that it's not attractive, regardless of the messages I've received... of course there's a desire to attract when it's time and with patience which again is ever present in my messages... but in my direct experience it is not now. Just because he's not fully attractive to me at this time... does it mean that I should reveal what he would consider secrets? NO... I want him to trust me... I am trust-worthy... it doesn't matter i'm ready to expose myself completely... he is not ready... I feel i would need his permission. I respect him and our relationship. Alright I've decided to not continue with all the details. I'm just trying to build up an understanding of how much he means to me. I thought after the first trip to Peru it would stop when I had ceremonies without him. I joked with him when I was returning for my second round... that maybe the spell he cast on me will be broken... it was a joke but i was also curious what these rounds of ceremonies would reveal. Short and simple... it didn't stop it just deepens. I get messages in my dreams and even while I'm doing art at times. It just continues.. I got sidetracked because I was trying to really talk about the moment I thought the physical world was going to collapse or dissolve around me. The moment I made unconscious decisions because I didn't know any better. These moments that afterwards I was ashamed and embarrassed of because I can ask myself... why didn't you know better? how could you have done this or allow others to do that to you? I didn't know what I didn't know... and I was unconscious and others were unconscious too. Do I need to go through all the details to purge it out? No I don't think so... I think I can pick out the moments of memory that is still holding me back and purge it out myself. I know I have been getting a feeling that I don't have to share everything so openly. Which is really hard for me I want to be open and vulnerable... but I'm getting a deeper understanding that the conscious level of the collective isn't ready to support me with my experiences. Because of their judgements it will affect me. Instead of me processing and trying to manifest... if I tell more people the more they will influence the process. If they don't agree or if they are negative with what I express then... it's just going to be more of a challenge for me. If i can keep it to myself or run into people who understand then it's going to be easier to manifest. The collective conscious affects me and I affect the collective consciousness. Recalling this first thought of death... I had to overcome that fear to experience it... and that's when the huge shift happened in my life. If I'm still remembering or even having future visions of the physical world dissapearing still... is it really scary? It's not really scary to me because I know that there is no finality... there's no end... there's no completion... these words were created to find a way to communicate concepts... but these words don't actually describe existence. Maybe it's not the fear of it going to happen... but it's the fear that I have visions I want to create in this aspect of experiencing this physical world that I want to experience before I transition to whatever is next. But I know how safe I am... I know how ultimately loving and patient this infinitely intelligent consciousness we are is... it's always helping me to ready to be ready to be ready... and so when i'm ready to have the physical world dissolve... I'll be ready for it... for now my fear is the powerful opportunity I have, and I want to be more conscious, so the appreciation is not being lost to be less conscious. I want to be my highest potential... and I am at the degree of my development of consciousness. My potential will continue to increase but i'm going to stop shaming myself and others from their past decisions or even their current decisions. I'm not going to be embarrassed there's nothing to be embarrassed about. We are living in perfection... which again may seem chaotic, but really its infinitely intelligent and I don't need to force or shame existence. It's what's teaching me truth. I'm going to allow it to guide me.

Alright... I've taken time to let myself settle today... I had a really good conversation with my dad when I first woke up. I thought maybe I needed to get onto the forum to journal, but then I thought maybe I just need to wait until later when there's not so many tv's going. I ended up watching the last three episodes with my dad with a series called "the Invisible City" which I really enjoyed. He said I should go back and watch the first series and what led up to these, but I told him I got what I needed from those shows, but I had a good time watching it with him. I went and just stretched my body listening to some Tibetan flute music and I worked on the bead curtain for my pops. I went to eat at a restaurant by myself and had a great conversation with a guy who was eating alone too. I remembered I'm going to be getting up early tomorrow to take grandma to her church. So I figured I'd just have to start now. What I wanted to do was to go back and review my rant I went on yesterday. I knew I was a little frustrated and it's nice to purge, but I want to gain clarity that I'm not that same person who just accepts where my consciousness is... I mean there's an acceptance, but I also know I can recontextualize and I want to before moving forward. There's a lot that's processing and so I want to gain a better perspective before I continue. I'm going to copy and past so I can start editing like I did last night. I know that I can even redo the edit last night because there's more that I know but I need to process this in the time I need. Lets hightlight the sneaky limited beliefs and also change the exclusive words I used and then gain clarity of the message that's more conscious. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their our current state of consciousness... can they we remember their our awareness has grown? well maybe you I can continue to grow... maybe others we have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their our own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective us onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals us desire to understand their our own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective us. What really could happen with a collect us who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they we are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them us. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective us... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's our intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective we is on your experience. But you I can also gain enough consciousness to know you I have the power to affect the collective our experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's our hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they we intuit for them ourselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their our conscious state should be paramount in their our focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone us when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people we who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people we that know what i'm talking about because theywe've done their our form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective us... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other us... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you us and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective we which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective us and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you we just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective us that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you us too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective us if the collective we doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity! Ok... I'm zoning out... we got a basketball game playing, dads playing his zombie game, and i'm not ready to focus right now... and i feel tired. So i'll leave it and continue when i'm better prepared.

This is exactly what i needed right now... i'm thankful i attracted this opportunity. And I'm going to take advantage as much as I am capable at this point in my life. It's really putting my perspective into a different level and direction. What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing I'm still stuck in my stories of my past, but i don't want to be there. (ok... let's put some music on so i can get into a groove... I'll go ahead and play a song I enjoy and add playlist to it so I can hear new songs too. I want to hear the artist Glass Animals and the song is Gooey... Enjoy!) I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have for others myself, i'm actually talking to myself. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. It feels like I'm channeling... how to explain it is i become a channel and just let whatever is coming through in my mind I speak or do... In ceremonies I could realize that the words I was speaking was to help guide people us that were with me... but it was also messages for myself for me to understand deeper. I know I'm working my way to experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where life becomes ceremony. I'm not conscious of that... or least I'm getting better. I'm realizing that I still have limiting beliefs that are sneaking up in my awareness... that's why i'm getting stuck in the story. I'm wondering if I can try to literally wipe my slate clean. In the back of my mind i'm not sure if it all should wipe clean but i do know that most of my stories can definitely be cleared out. The memories that I want to keep are the messages I've received of the picture or story I want to create deliberately. I want to go back to ceremonies... to get me to where I am I approached it as if i just surrender to the experience... It's so vast and unkown to me that I wanted infinite intelligence to guide me. I felt like I would get the messages I needed at that time and then I can place my focus on that. Only in my last few ceremonies did i start getting messages to put my intention to get a specific result. That's the case with me... it will let me know when i'm ready to focus on that. But again I had separated ceremony from my life. But if i want life to be a ceremony then i need to realize there's no separation. So if i've gotten to a point where i can focus my intention to get a specific result... why am i still surrendering to whatever happens in my life and just respond to it. I'm ready to be more active in leading my life into the vision i want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being unconscious making a vision of my future at that state and the collective we is mostly unconscious... I still need to focus on me before i can really be affective with the collective us. I cannot continue to behave as if i'm still unconscious. That is not the case and I say i'm ready... I'm going to make a more deliberate attempt to make the changes i want to make for myself at this time. I realize that i'm ok holding people's our hands and tip toeing around people us who isn't ready to go as deep as i want to go with them us... I know I am intelligent enough to go deep in many ways without them us knowing what i'm doing but guiding them us nevertheless. When it comes to myself I don't want my hand held and I don't want to tip toe around changes I want. So i'm going to be more strict... My version of strict probably isn't the same as others ours, but I know that my potential is more then what i'm showing now... and i'm tired of playing small. I realize that the individual is affecting the collective us and the collective we is affecting the individual. So i'm more aware of how i'm presenting myself to be an example of a developed consciousness. I want to create conscious possibilities with high conscious collective us. (Ok... I know I need to double check my habitual way of speaking. I've been recommending others here at the forum to do it... but I've done quite a bit of work on this but i was less conscious when i was doing this... so i better revisit this myself, because i'm telling myself i'm missing the sneaky limiting beliefs that I still repeat in my present moment. So i'm going to go back and hightlight any that I find in red.) (Now I know that i'm really talking to myself and others are myself as well... so i'm going to go ahead and switch the pronouns being used. First I'll change everytime I used they and replace it with we... this is what i do when i'm clarifying my polished message and it's really helpful for deeper understanding to reprogramming my perspective. I'll use blue as the replacement we. When I use the word others i'm going to use we again but with purple.) When I find a word that implies i'm excluding myself as separate from anything, I will cross it out and replace it with an inclusive pronoun.) Time to recontextualize my thoughts being more aware. This is going to be more of what I wanted to tell us. Let's see how it goes... What am I realizing using this forum? I'm realizing the stories of my past is not helping me create what I want. I'm realizing that the suggestions that I have is for us. I know this is the case when I'm in ceremonies. I become a channel for infinite intelligence to speak and act... In ceremonies I realize that the words I speak are to help guide us to a deeper understanding. I know I can experience the elevation of my consciousness outside of ceremony... or more accurately where my life becomes ceremony. I'm conscious of this. I'm validating it now in my direct experience. I'm realizing that if I continue to use limiting beliefs will result in a story that is limiting. The part of the stories I don't want to continue, I can wipe clean. The messages I received from my memory that are expansive will help me create a future story that is conscious and intentional. In my existence... my first approach was to surrender to infinite intelligence to guide me. The messages I received at that time directed my focus when I didn't know how myself. Infinite intelligence has now made me aware that I am ready to be intentional with my focus. I'm ready to be active in leading my life into the more conscious vision I want to create. I realize a deeper meaning of being less conscious will lead to less conscious choices and behaviors. When I focus on myself it will affect us all. If my awareness points out behaviors that are less conscious than what I'm capable of, then I will focus my attention to make more conscious behaviors. I'm ready to make deliberate attempts to make the changes I want to make at this time. I realize we are going to guide us to go deeper. We are intelligent enough to go deeper with guidance. When it comes to myself, I'm going to be conscious and intentional so I can guide us. My version of being deliberate will have its variety. I know that my potential can continue to grow, and I want to show my authentic self. We are significant. I realize that I affect us, and we affect me. I am more aware of how I present myself as an example of a developing intelligence that's growing our consciousness. If I can be more conscious, then we can be more conscious. We can imagine more when we are developing more consciousness. It's exciting! That sounds more of what I understand now... I can see my clarity growing. More polished than my original thoughts... Happy with where I am and excited to see where this leads!

Hello! I didn't realize you already had a Journal started... I'm glad you're continuing... it's going to be beneficial I can see you seeing it too! What I'm finding useful in my journal is to let it out... just like you are doing which is wonderful, but if you want to put another layer onto your growth... can i suggest to copy and paste what you wrote and go back and highlight the limiting beliefs you have. Maybe you can just get better at noticing when you are still entertaining limiting belief. Eventually... start to reword them to give you the feeling it's possible to change these beliefs. You're doing amazing... I read some of your content and I love what I'm seeing. And I see you catch yourself at times... but there's more to catch excited for you!

Alright... I realize that I've expressed an experience that I had that maybe percieved as something bad or even traumatic. But I don't feel traumatized by the experience. I admitted that it's not my first time processing what happened to me in these experiences... but i feel like I left it at the point of my last conscious state of addressing the experience. I'm at a different level of consciousness and I know I can dig deeper... and I'm ready to dig deeper. And I know I was still tip toeing around what I am realizing to make the collective comfortable. But I know I'm truely wanting to purge and I'm not satisfied with the depth that I have expressed so far. So again I accepted the challenge... So what do I know now about these experiences... now? In case you don't know what I'm experiences i'm talking about... its the involvement with two family members... one from each side of my family... in two locations... Samoa and Indiana... With a time period of not that long... I don't really remember how old I was, but maybe from the age of 5ish to 6ish maybe even 7ish... I found myself with these family members where they involved me by being their object of attention. Their attention seems to be gaining pleasure of touching the butt region of a younger female. When they saw the young female not wanting to continue this involvement, they responded differently. Again... what was really going on in my experience and what am I understanding... what am i trying to realize to let this purge be successful? I'm going to start with the first experience when I was in Samoa. At that point I didn't understand sexual arousal. I wasn't aware that my older cousin has a sexual arousal he was trying to understand. I'm not even sure what age he was at the time... Maybe he was in his late teen years. In my experience of being in my late teen years, I found myself highly curious about sex. Everyone talks about it and I find myself wanting to know what it is. I find it extremely pleasurable to share affection... hugs, kisses, going down on each other with our hands, using even my mouth to please my partner, touching someone intimately, and having someone else touching me. I was 17 when I had my first sexual intercourse experience. Maybe around 4 months before I turned 18. I was aware of many of my fellow students or influencers at that time hadn't had a lot of direct experiences but there were strong desires and emotions wanting to know what that experience really is. It's an idea mostly... we really didn't know until we found ourselves in it. I know there were some that were actually involved with the experiences and to the other extreme where there were others who wanted it but wasn't finding them partners to share those experiences with. I can figure that there were two different conscious levels interacting with each other (1) I was a young child completely unconscious of what sexual interactions were. I can assume my family would bathe me and touch me everywhere to clean my body. I'm sure I even needed help to wipe myself after the restroom. Having others touch my nude body wasn't anything that was unusual. When he pulled my panties down it didn't seem to bother me. i trusted him. When I saw his body parts rubbing on mine I know i hadn't had that happen before. But I didn't feel in danger. He wasn't trying to hurt me. To me he wasn't trying to hide anything so it wasn't like we were trying to be secretive so again this could be normal. (2) I'm going to assume the conscious level of my cousin. (I have not talked to him since I left the island as a child. I have been back to visit the village once when I was in high school. And I completely avoided him. I only remember seeing him once and that was it... in the back of my mind I remember I was scared to run into him again.) I'm not sure if he was already engaging in sexual exploration with partners in his own age group. Or maybe he was someone who couldn't find a partner to share with. He had a degree of consciousness that he knew what sexual interactions were and what sexual arousal was too. He was aware of his penis being used not only to urinate, but it has the ability to ejaculate to create sexual gratification. He knew what sex was, I did not. I can bring in another layer to his consciousness state... when I spoke to another female cousin a little younger than I was who shared in a similar experience with that same cousin. I was in high school and she was in middle school when we spoke about it. We didn't go into details, but I remembered I was upset that she had to go through that but another part was comforted that I wasn't the only one who had to process this type of experience. I was processing so I don't think I was able to help her understand anymore then what she already found was working for her. I wanted it not to affect me so i knew i wanted to heal from it, but I still found myself angry... we both were able to get our anger and frustration we were feeling at that time. Let's dig even more and add another layer that is here that isn't being addressed... This cousin again I had mentioned earlier was actually an uncle, but actually a cousin. How can this be? In (Had to go get my pipe... it's a good time to take a few puffs for myself) So again I didn't really live in the Samoan culture long as a child. I felt like I have always wanted to learn more about it. I returned to the Samoan side during my high school summers... on break I would go and visit to try to understand that part of me that was missing for around 10 years. But I did get an opportunity to talk to members of my family that was giving me an impressions of how our culture looks at the life experience. (But again I didn't realize then that I was listening to others who has different degrees of consciousness and telling it from their perspective. I saw them in a sense as a better authority of understanding because they have been living in it more then myself... so it was like I was taking what they said for granted. But honestly by then I had already been gaining a better understanding of life through my current degree of conscioiusness... I had built confidence and but not deeply to the point that they were influencing my perspective of the world) So what I had gathered with this current situation was that one of my aunts had a child before she was married and i guess considerably younger than expected. My grandparents decided to adopt the child as it was their child. I'm not sure if they gave my aunt a choice or not... or if my aunt wanted their help to take care of the child. My grandparents had many children... I can't remember but I think my mom was one of around 11 children. So having my cousin adopted wasn't anything unusual... How I understand it is was like a family secret that others couldn't know about. But in fact many of the family didn't know about it either. My aunt had other children and I think two of her children was raised by the grandparents as if they were her child. Her youngest child she raised herself. None of the children knew who their actual mother was except the youngest. So the two boys thought their grandmother was their mother. They thought their mother was their sister. It wasn't until they were older did they get told the truth and I kind of able to see the results of how they reacted to the new information... to keep it simple it was traumatic for them... they were struggling. Even the youngest girl who was the cousin I had a lot of time to get to know which shared the similar experience didn't find out until she was older she actually had two brothers. What's even being aware of it to me now is... she ended up finding out that what she thought was her uncle who was treating her inappropriately was actually her brother. (Dad just warned me the gray cats in... which is fine and she's welcome, but I have to split my attention a little here because I don't want her and Elvis fighting. Ok first of all I don't call her grey cat... she's Sissy to me. Sissy is a sweet cat and extremely smart, but she has tendencies to take out anger on my little buddy whether she doesn't like the fact he gets more attention and she also knows when she fights with him we separate them... and lately we'll put her outside. So I'm going to continue, but I'm aware she's in here. I just want to let everyone just be what they want to be, but I also don't want them to affect our state negatively... we'll just continue... there might not be anything to worry about... so let's not worry.) We can continue to go deeper by my grandparents state of consciousness and their societal conditioning which led them to decide to take the grandchildren as their children... but I'm hoping to give you a better understanding that the degree of the collective consciousness is important to understand... the level of development always has consequences. My awareness of this is becoming deeper from the contemplation I was processing last night. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Unconscious manifestations are capable from an unconscious collective. It's not black and white, but in an existential sense consciousness is always gaining a deeper healthier consciousness. What may seem unconscious to us now is far more conscious then any time before. It seems it's easier for individuals to elevate their own consciousness by mostly gaining a personal understanding there are degrees of consciousness around them that's affecting their perspective. And to be open to their current state of consciousness... can they remember their awareness has grown? well maybe you can continue to grow... maybe others have gained degrees of consciousness that might be more elevated then their own. I know i've gained my awareness enough to experience the consequences of the collective onto our experiences and how we condition. I know we are always getting better, but... can we get boundlessly better if more indiviuals desire to understand their own level of consciousness... Ideally the entire collective. What really could happen with a collect who all have reached a degree of high consciousness to understand what they are saying, doing, thinking have consequences to everything around them. When I was unconscious i didn't understand this... I said, did, and thought whatever i wanted without caring about the consequences... i didn't know that i have the power and ability to affect the entire collective... the entire universe. I'm struggling because I have been conditioned to be unconscious, but I'm not that unconscious now... so i'm going to have to change and question myself more consciously. And the more conscious I am the more my potential to increase my consciousness will continue to deepen. I was going to go deeper into those experiences but really it doesn't affect me anymore... I hope I gave enough information for other's intelligence can start to get the bigger picture of how powerful the collective is on your experience. But you can also gain enough consciousness to know you have the power to affect the collective experience as well. I still have the tendency to feel like I have to hold other's hand to understand but intuitively I know how intelligent we are. But will they intuit for themselves that raising and developing or deepening or learning more into their conscious state should be paramount in their focus? Damn it am I going to continue tip toe around everyone when i know i've experienced something that's transforming my life in the most magical way i've ever experienced and i know people who haven't experienced it yet... wants to. The people that know what i'm talking about because they've done their form of work to get direct experience... why aren't we working together? We know what's driving us... awaken the collective... is it going to be best to do it on our own or together? We aren't special but don't we have a responsibility? we have brillance to share with each other... with everything... and we should be open to collaboration.... obviously i'm not there yet since i'm not experiencing directly but do i know it's coming... yes... so can we prepare ourselves to be as ready as we possibly can? Yes we can... we are... we don't have to be afraid of fulfilling our wildest dreams... we are worth it Alright... ok... i love you and I'm going to go ahead and take a break get cleaned up before i go dancing tonight. yes I've got to get the hose and fill up a pot with the rain water, I've got to put it onto the burner wait for it to heat up... put it into another bucket to use a container to dip into it and take a bath standing in a shower while along heating the bathroom so the temperature is comfortable enough for my skin when i exit the shower... this doesn't really matter to me... this doesn't bother me... it's what I have to do to prepare myself to be my authentic self who is going to make a difference. I've proven that I can make a difference in my own experience. I will continue to make a difference. My current reality I have created because I was unaware i was unconscious and unaware the collective which is unconscious has led me here... but damn it now i'm conscious and i have to take myself out of the conditioning the collective and myself has created... i'm doing the work... the work isn't work when you just are that way... we will be conscious individuals with a conscious collective that will allow conscious possibilities to manifest. I understand the beautiful chaos within me and around me, but i wanting to have direct experience of it with you too! I won't be able to experience a conscious collective if the collective doesnt consciously agree. Our definition of chaos will not be the same it will be clarity into infinity!

So... it seem like I need to purge a little more before I get back to the message I'm trying to create. It feels amazing and admittedly this style of journaling with it being public is bringing a new depth then just journaling on my own. I guess I want to mention that this is not the first time that i've looked into my past. I've been working on my perception of my trauma since I was in middle school. But it almost feels like i'm really going to purify to the point where i'm not going to have anything hold be back. There's a few things that happened to me that I want to go ahead and record before I continue with my past. We can focus on what's happening now. This morning my dad's wife called. They've been married around 10 years now. They're still married but they live separately. They care for each other but I don't think the romance is there and i don't think the romance has been there for a long time. It seems like my dad's been looking for a lover his entire life. He married my mom at around 25, and as far as i know I think that was his first sexual partner. He's been through a number of wives now. And I know it's affected the way i use to look at relationships. But we won't get into it too much since that's not really my story to tell, but i'll mention when it happens to fall into the story. His wife is from Zambia. She's been working and going to school. She has two sons and her mother is here too. I answered the phone and I asked her how her tests were going... she's at her mid-terms trying to get her LPN (lol... I don't know all these initials... had to ask my dad some questions. He's answering so he knows i'm writing about him... lol He's doing his routine... reading his book around 1am and then he'll head to bed around 2am. My dad is the guy who always carries a book with him when he's in public. If has to wait then he'd rather be reading. When we go out of town to visit my brother and his family... I drive during the day so he can read, and then he'll drive a night. I use to be the gal who would carry my art projects with me... lol... in high school and college I would usually carry my notepad around so I can draw. If people were watching a show that didn't really interest me then I could get lost into my artwork.) She's been attempting a few times... she actually has to go to Ohio because she's reached the limit to pass the test in Indiana. She is so determined and I'm sure she's going to reach her goals of becoming an RN. To her she wants to provide money for her family here and also back home in Africa. Her family actually has gotten to the point where they just expect money whenever they want for any reason. She worked so hard that six years ago she got sick and couldn't recover quickly that she ended up in ICU. She also had medical issues that wasn't known to us. I have to constantly remind her to not run herself empty and just keep running on empty. But I don't see her often. But I've been making a more conscious attempt since I returned. She's got a big heart and I would love for my dad to have a relationship with her more then friendship. But I've also been the one that told him if he's not happy then he shouldn't be afraid to keep trying. I think that's why my dad moved back to our hometown for almost two years now. He turned 70 this February... and he has a limiting belief he's getting to old. But I'm telling you this man is not old... and if he could do some conscious work on his social skills... he could really have a chance to find that partner or even blossom the partner he has. I don't know if I said this yet but my dad's been my bestfriend for a long time. He is the only one who i've shared pretty much everything with. He knows pretty much everything I'm writing on my Forum posts... lol... I'm trying to get him interested... He's highly intellegent and maybe he could start his social skills by communicating online other than trying to talk to women... lol but i'm trying to make a more conscious effort to have a relationship with his wife and her family. Her mom had asked me to drive her to church... at first my dad was talking and assumed i'd say no and he said no too... but i heard him and told him I would. I'm always curious to hear what's being said in spiritual circles regardless if i agree or not. I was curious to hear what they are saying. I told her that I'd take her every other Sunday while I'm still here. This Sunday is her day... my cousin who wants to get the family to talk to my 2nd cousin about her mental state is supposed to be this Sunday too. So I told her I will do it and text my cousin I would be available after 3pm. This is a big step because I knew I returned to Indiana because I wanted to focus on myself but also I wanted to spend time with my family. And that assumption would be my dad's family who i grew up with. But I told my dad's wife that her mom is family too and I made a commitment with her first. I don't think we are ready to talk to the 2nd cousin right now. At least not in a serious way where it looks like we are going to be telling her we know what's best for her. I messaged saying that if we do this we should make a commitment to gain her trust before we go in too strong. Maybe we can just do some fun activities together like bowling or something. Something light hearted and just get to know each other more. I admit I feel like a stranger to her... she's a lot younger then I am and I only saw her at holidays but I was here and there for 20 years now. I love her but i don't really know her. I don't think she's going to be comfortable talking with me without having establishing trust. That side of the family doesn't even come to holidays anymore. I went to my aunt's to see them all. I was talking with her and I wanted to meet her son. She had just got out of jail and was telling me about it. Mostly she seemed like her attention was from one thing to another and the child was acting out a lot too. When she was younger my dad and her had a good relationship. I was talking to him trying to get him to join us. He doesn't know if he will, but he admitted that he knew the moment when he lost her trust. It had been a few years since they had seen each other and he said she could see in her eyes that she looked at him like she did as a child, but he said he didn't reciprocate it back and he could see the relationship broke at that time. He would be such a huge help. And it would be helpful for him too. I went to drop off the recycling which has been collecting over the winter... lol.. it was too cold for me to pack up the car to take the recycling. We have a shed at the back of the house that we just stored most of it, but some boxes were stored in my studio area as well. It's nice to start recycling in a smaller town. I had looked into before and there were quite a bit of rules which before I didn't want to do... I wanted it to be easier, but it is easy I just didn't think it was at first. I'm trying to create a recycling organizing space in the shed to hopefully promote my dad to start recycling. When it comes to trash day we don't really have a lot of trash. I'd say we only put trash out once maybe twice a month. Most of what we use is recyclable. When I arrived back at the house... it was in September last year... it was overwhelming how much clutter was collected at the house. At first you think we just need to figure out how to hire a dumpster and just throw it all away. Again since money is considered scarce in our family... that wasn't really an option but I also know i'm more conscious so I knew I could figure out how to organize what was there and start showing my dad how to recycle. I did a little when I was living in the city years ago, but we had a trash can specifically for recycling so again it was easier. I'm not sure how my dad got to the point of just collecting. I can assume once he had this place by himself he just needed things around him. I haven't really asked him about it, but he wasn't stopping me either for majority of the items. It was only when it came to his stuff did he want to go through it before i donated, or recycled, and finally trash it. It wasn't like he was attached to most of the clutter. He just didn't find it important. But.... i guess there is a tendency he has that might also have him collecting. I believe he thinks that at any moment society could fail. He collects water and food... He's digging a bomb shelter which I told him it should be used as a root cellar mostly and in a worse case scencario it could help shelter him from disaster. So yeah... i think that might have started him collecting thing just in case he will need it. I know I found myself wanting to find creative ways to use it purposefully. especially the items that aren't good for landfills and also unable to recycle... i've been having a challenge trying to recycle the foam that's been collected. If it wasn't so flammable I'd suggest it for insulation for the house. I had to hang layers of blankets onto the wall of my bedroom to try to stop the wind from blowing in the room and my dad has a heater he uses in his office which keeps him warm... he tries to use fans to get it to blow into my area but I told him that it's not needed. I can definitely layer up. The garage was even more packed from floor to ceiling and I tackled it and did pretty good, but i'm hoping this spring I can give it a go again. there's a lot of metal I'm going to scrap. I haven't done it before but i think i can figure it out. He's got appliances that's going to be hard to get rid of too. Lol.. i've been trying to find tinkerers... I might break down the big screen tvs and try to donate circuit boards. I'm not sure how it all will go, but again... he's just at a point if he doesn't see it, it's not an issue... and it's just not an issue anyway. I felt closterphobic when I first arrived. I think I mentioned I was sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the living room surrounded by stuff with a somewhat path to get through the room to get to the rest of the house. The bedroom I used was also full. I've been helping some older folks in Colorado when I went there for work in the summer the past five years so I know it looks like it's impossible, but really when you get into it it doesn't take as long as you'd think. Now I'm not saying we're done, but getting it to a point to be able to live in the space and walk around is crucial for me. I'm hoping by this spring my dad will help me continue the process. I love how i feel when I purge... I think he will enjoy the process too... and it's not so much as he had to deal with. I also wanted to spend some quality time with my little buddy too. Elvis has not liked the fact i've been in my dad's space using the computer. There's a line he won't cross because he thinks there's going to be a gray cat whos going to chase after him and fight. Which was the case, but since it started getting warmer we've been trying to keep her out. Dad's been able to seal up the subfloor, so she has to cry at the front or back door if she wants more food. (So my dad went to bed and all the tvs are shut off... i think it's time to find some music to play. Let's see if I have any suggestions for tonight... hmmm... I think i saw an artist i wanted to try out.. an Xavier Rudd. Oooow this playlist has Aboriginal art as the cover... interesting... i don't think i've heard these songs but let's give it a go. Enjoy! Any way I have a desk next to the hallway that leads to my dads and he sits there poking his face around the corner crying to me. He wants my attention. I tried picking him up and placing him on my lap so he can be with me as i type but he doesn't feel safe in this area. So i started traveling with him a few years ago. I took him to Hawaii and then I took him to Peru during my 8 months there. He definitely doesn't trust anyone or any animal. Sometimes he really freaks out with other cats. It's weird because he wasn't like that when Mika was with us. Well I know I want to get to the point where he's comfortable with people and other animals... of course to some extent... if he needs to run or fight for his life then i understand, but he's not in those situations 90% of the time if not more. It's been taking him a long time to even be really lovey with me... I'm not sure what he went through but I'm a cat lady... I love on my cats and pay a lot of attention to them... but he's been slowly allowing me to love on him more. And he's getting to the point where he lets me know he misses me when i'm not around as much as i usually am. Only since we've been here has he been wanting to laying on me while we sleep... probably because of the cold i'm not sure... but he's wanting to lay in my lap more too... so i love seeing that. Mika, my little princess... I was with her 14 years... and she would love for me to love on her... She passed away three days before I returned to Colorado right before covid shut everything down. I was taking a four month trip to Peru, Hawaii, and Australia. I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her, and my friend watching them had to deal with that while I was away. He said he didn't feel comfortable messaging me and he wanted to not worry while i was away. He buried her in his yard. We had spent six months with him when we first went to Colorado... so he had a relationship with my kiddo kitties. Since that happen... I decided I wasn't going to leave my little buddy behind anymore. I started getting him prepared to travel. I started letting him go outside. Got a bag and started taking him on walks in the bag with me. He's not too happy when I do that to him, but he'll get better used to it. Eventually I'll settle down somewhere where he'd be safe to stay alone if i go on short trips. I don't know we'll see. (Packed the pipe to take a few puffs.) It's definitely a larger challenge traveling with a cat. Especially because I run into more people who are opposed to cats compared to dogs... but oh my goodness he teaches me how much fear i still hold when i travel with him... lol i'll touch base with the details. So it's apparent to my dad and i we are just walkovers when it comes to kids and animals... lol we can't help ourselves but we love for them to be wild childs most of the time... but i'm getting a better understanding about having a balance with them. But anyway we have had these cats joining our space. Now again my dad says he's not really a cat person, not that he hates them or anything, but he wouldn't have a cat as a pet if it was his choice. But man cats love him... I'm sure if I wasn't with him this winter the cats wouldn't have been in the house as much as they have been. I could understand them wanting a shelter from the winter and getting food on the regular. And of course i don't mind loving on them. So there's a one-eyed Jack who's with us now. Honestly, I don't know if he's a he or not... he's not comfortable to be held yet and i'm ok with whatever it is... I prepared him a litter box because he just doesn't want to be outside. we don't know where he came from but he looks rough and I told dad that we can take care of him until he gets healthier... he's such a chill cat most of the time and he fits our temperaments. He's not trying to attack Elvis which makes me more comfortable to have him with us. Elvis... he's all talk... so he still let's Jack know he doesn't want to be friends yet...lol But when it's the four of us we don't have to separate any of the areas and i think i can get everyone comfortable with each other if i just take the time to do it. I think I have to gain more trust with Jack before I attempt them sharing the same space together...like a room together. I love observing animal behavior... I can learn a lot from them... but also my reactions or responses to my cats also teaches me as well. I worked a little on the bead curtain for my dad. I had a job for a short time when i arrived in indiana... it was theoretically a cool position. I did some maintenance and building and some interior design. I was making beads out of the scrapbook paper I have been storing here. The concept was recycling and repurposing. I was doing it at my pops and so it bled into the ideas i had for the project. I was creating a curtain and he mentioned he would like one too. I've been making clothes all winter in my own little world... I can use a break from it so i decided to start on my dad's curtain. i've been feeling a change and so i assumed it was because i'm ready to leave Indiana and possibly go to work for the summer. So i'm starting to purge my material possessions and organize my studio to become my dad's studio. But since i've been involved with this forum... maybe the change is the process i'm going through now. I might still need to tie up loose ends here in the house... i'm not sure i'm open. I want to return back to Peru so normally I go to Colorado and work a few jobs and save to be able to travel. So I'm looking to switch things up... I'd love to just do my own thing, but if i have to apply for another job then i'll do that too. I applied for a position in a secluded retreat in Alaska. I applied for two positions...the one I would prefer is the maintenance position. I'd like to learn more about the equipment they use and about electrical work more. they want five years experience which i don't have but i still applied. I was the first one to apply for the job so i sent a message to the contact if they don't have any other applicants that they won't be disappointed having me as a team member. I gave them my construction boss's number as a refferal. I really loved that about the tourist town in Colorado. they just needed help so it didn't matter i didn't have experience. Once i started working they started to understand how quickly i pick things up so usually they don't want me to leave... but i've got high standards... lol... it's hard for me to work for bosses who are low consciousness. It just doesn't seem worth my time and energy anymore. It was really apparent when I returned last summer from my transformation in Peru. I know I'm learning so many varied skills because i got a big vision of my own. Since my messages though it seems like there maybe a different way that i wasn't aware could be achieved... but anyway... i'm passionate to follow my spirituality... so i'll see where that leads me. So those are things that came up today to mention and elaborate on to give you more of a picture of what's going on in my life. (I thinks it's time to get back to my recollections of my childhood) So I took a look and I was talking about my grandmother. She was the glue to our family. When she was around our family would get together regularly every Sunday and holidays. I was one of the younger grandchildren of 11 at the time. Every Sunday we cousins would run around and play outside and hangout. It was really fun for the most part. I had mentioned I had an older cousin who treated me inappropriately not long after I arrived to Indiana. But again by then I saw everyone was family and I can trust them. I can't remember when it first happened I just remember it was something I had to deal with. Again I didn't tell anyone it was going on... looking back i couldn't understand why i didn't... but i was young and didn't know i was supposed to say anything. But since I had that experience with my mom's side I was better aware that I didn't like that type of attention. So I said all the cousins would be playing together.... there was usually 11 crazy kids from 5-18 years old. So it could be chaotic at times... so nobody seemed to notice when he would grab me and hold me... it was right in front of everyone. He didn't take me to anywhere private... it was right under everyone's nose. Our grandparents had a pool we would all play in and that was a location he found it easy to do this. I'd be playing and then he would get behind me and grab me and when i tried to get away he would hold me i felt so helpless... he would always go down my pants to rub me around my butt and the crack area... I'd try to resist and eventually i'd be able to get away because he didn't want to get caught. There were times when we would all be watching movies together. Everytime a blanket was involved no matter where it was again i'd find him behind me holding and restraining me when i tried to get away. Again it wasn't as if i knew he was getting any pleasure in doing this to me... i just knew i didn't want him to be doing it and it was the restraint that i hated... i felt so powerless... i also didn't know why they chose to do this to me... what was i doing wrong? There was a time when we were at one of my aunts and we were all watching a video with a blanket and he was doing what he wanted to do with me... this time another aunt caught him but she didn't say anything right away. I'm not sure how it went down but I was still living with my grandparents and they approached me about it. I was so scared and embarrassed I remember running and hiding under a shelves... i didn't want to get out from underneath. i thought they all hated me and was so disappointed in me because i didn't say anything. I don't remember anything else being said after that. I don't remember any of the family even my dad mention anything about it. All i know is that it stopped and I knew that i was so thankful someone finally caught him. But I still had to see him every Sunday. I didn't know what to do and everyone went on as if nothing happened so... i figured it wasn't as big of a deal as i thought it was. I remember feeling bad at how I was acting with his brother. His brother was an affectionate cousin but he wasn't trying to be sexual with anyone... anytime he would want to hold me I'd run off his lap immediately... he never tried to stop me and restrain me. He just wanted to love on me just like most of the other older cousins. the girls i didn't have a problem with letting them love on me. I didn't want to act that way to him, but I couldn't help myself... it was hard for me to differentiate him from his brother. I learned to be able to be comfortable in his presence. But it never left from the back of my mind. I remember once i started to get into middle school and started to connect how society saw those types of situations... child molestation issues. I started getting friends and found a few that had gone through similar situations... I really started to get angry and upset. At that time I was wanting to start to have boyfriends but I couldn't trust them in an intimate manner... i mean back then just holding hands and a little kiss or two. It wasn't like i was afraid of guys...far from it. i was a tomboy and most of my friends were guys... but when the first boys started asking me to be their girlfriend.. it was challenging. A part of me wanted to and another part of me felt like it was all wrong. I knew that part of me that thought it was wrong wasn't healthy even at that time. I was a normal teenager who didn't know how to handle my emotions and i remember talking to my brother and dad about my memories of the cousin's doing those things to me and how i think it's affecting me with my relationships. I remember my brother was crying with me but he didn't know what to do but he was angry about it. I remember my dad was upset but it was as if he didn't believe me though either. That got me more upset because I've never wanted to lie to my dad... he's always made me feel like i could talk to him about anything... no matter what i talked about i knew he would still love me. But that moment of hesitation he had struck deep into me. They knew i was struggling but they didn't know how to help me so i knew i'd have to figure out a way on my own. I remember even back then realizing that they didn't know any better. They were probably going through so much and they didn't know how to treat me properly. What I ended up coming up with was my looks. I'm mixed so I don't look all caucasian and i don't look fully samoan either. I thought maybe when they looked at me they could really feel like i was there family because i looked so different from their family. I was trying to reason out that i don't have to hate them. i wanted to forgive them. But what i think i missed was forgiving myself for not knowing what to do in those situations. For not saying anything. Now that I look back at it... I didn't say anything because for me at the times they were happening didn't feel traumatic. It wasn't something i couldn't manage myself. It was when we were caught and other people knew about it was it traumatizing. And once i knew that society knows it's a problem yet most of the time it's not reported... or it's just an act that it didn't happen at all. I realize it's just where the collective consciousness has developed too... I know the collective continues to mature and learn healthier ways. Another residual affect from this happened later in my school days... i can't remember if i read it in high school or college, but i read an article about the victims of child molestation that they are more likely to molest other children. When I read this... it terrified me! I love kids and after that article I was terrified that I would be a person capable of doing that to a child. I would never imagine doing that and i had no desire, but since i read it in an article and it seemed like scientific research... i thought it was telling me that i'm going to grow into that. There was a boyfriend I dated who read something similar. He had the same fear too. He was molested as a child and since he was a victim he'll probably do it to another. I know no there's no way I'll do that to a child. I've healed and raised my consciousness enough to know I have no desire to do that with a child. But I remember the time when I was doubting myself, because I thought authorities' opinions were more valid then my own. (Let's take another puff or two... that wasn't that bad to purge out... it's getting easier... i'm not as hesitant or anxious... there are still some areas I know i'm not ready to reveal but I'm gaining more confidence that it's going to get easier the more i do this. I wonder if it's time to continue the editing of the messages I want to express. I've done quite a bit of purging so maybe that's allowed me to open up to feel my way through the message again. I'll go ahead and copy and paste from the last editing session.) (alright i had to use the restroom... i think i'm going to switch up the music now. There's a song i use in my bufo ceremonies that i love and i think it might help me connect deeper with myself. Let's give it a go. Ok the artist is Mose and the song is called, Medicine Women Continuous Mix Enjoy!) There's no Separation does not exist between myself and my spirituality. We An appreciatation for life 's with it's complexity and variety has led to a . We share a strong hunger for exploration, we will continue until our taste for curiosity that will never be is fed. (which will never be) Opportunity for clarity is being whispers, and the challenge accepted. I've accepted the I'm ready for the challenge. by my intuition. Clearly we have a message to share. I've embraced Spirituality as an integral part of my life. It's intangled in everything... there's no separation. My Spirituality embodies complexity , variety, and curiosity which I embody as well. There's a perceived impression of separation between myself and others. (why?) Because of this idea I feel other's won't understand me. (why?) They we won't be able to see the beautifully created chaos. I appreciate the chaos as artful purging. But they we are so intelligent how can they we not understand? (we will.. be patient) Will they we be able to see their our own beautiful chaos we share? (yes we will... be patient) Do they we need help purging? (Yes... that's what you're learning right now. Be patient with yourself. You know where this will lead... trust the process, be open and vulnerable... you'll be understood... it doesn't have to be harder than you think it will be. (why do we make it so hard for ourselves? Do we need to purge our thoughts specifically?) Trust yourself... I love you this is not easy... but you know where this will lead... allow yourself so you can allow others) Intuition is wants to speaking to me us, but are we ready to listen? right now... And I know there's something i'm actively involved with that's going to be giving The possibility of limitless massive growth is in our hands. Conscious manifestations are capable from a conscious collective. Can the collective consciousness purge together? (I am and others we can... but together? (if we are conscious, we can... but it's not now) Are we willing to do the work? (I am now but it took my consciousness time to be ready... we will when we are ready) (when will we be ready?) After purification? T Infinite possibilities are capable to manifest (it's already manifesting, but can we be more conscious to create more conscious of the manifestations) but when the collective is trapped by their beautiful chaos what direction are they steering towards? (unconscious manifestations) Or maybe it's not where that I'm concerned about... perfection is what we are and where we are, but we don't see it that way. (why? unconscious development) How long will we be trapped? (as long as we don't know we can develop consciousness deliberately) Are we willing to pay the price of conscious building so the rewards of bounty flourishes our lives? (this price will be paid by the willing if they we believe there are rewards... how can they we believe? doing the work will eliminate belief and then they know) Does it really have to take long? (personally it might have felt long, but four years isn't long) With focus I've found it doesn't have to take long. Can the collective share a same focus? (This is tricky easy to answer... the shared focus would be to increase their consciousness, but each individual has to find their own way to awaken their unique gifts they can share with the collective... that's what is tricky. it's only tricky because they think someone else will tell them how they will learn best, but only they know. they have to have the confidence to find their own answers) I want to believe... I know it's happening but can it happen now? (right now in my direct experience it is not happening.) Are we ready? (That is the question for the collective... are we ready?) and rewards for myself and for other's who understand what i'm saying. I understand mybeautifully chaotic mind that's home to me... gives me opportunities to purge so I can gain clarity in my life. Actually I don't see it chaotic, I'm assuming from the perspective of the others may see it as chaotic. But it's the others who I want to communicate with. I want to develop my authentic expression which has artistry, clarity, and depth. Embodying my value of transparency and vulnerability, I'm going to attempt to write my first public journal. I didn't know how to start, but i trust that wherever I"ll start I'll begin to gain confidence and direction to find a solution that is authentically mine. I'm inspired to make a conscious effort to do whatever tedious work I have to pay, because I know we have massive rewards as the price. Because i'm new to this I'm not afraid to make modifications. I'm here to make changes and I have to find the way to make those changes myself... chaos to clarity is the aim. (very good! i love these sessions today... so worth it... thank you!) (I'm still in progress of finding a polished message... still have more work to do and i'm looking forward to it)

Alright I'd like to go ahead and suggest another (Dad needed help looking for a red water noodle thingy... he's working on a project which I'll talk about, but I want to help him look and I'm not sure where he put it.) Ok... I'd like to suggest another song possibly... I had listened to another song and artist by chance and I'd like to go ahead and share. This time it's Santsang, the artist and the song I heard that drew me to look at the information was "I am". I want to suggest a playlist though so here it is with this song as the second. Enjoy! I realize that I'm going to be sharing everything and it's getting a little less stressful for me. (Dad wanted another glue stick... lol) I've mentioned that I was ashamed.... maybe it was actually from the failed post attempt.. Ok I felt embarrassment and ashamed of my past. I'm at a point where I'm going to release and purge this from my system. It's a technique I'm going to use for spiritual purification. I don't want to hold this in anymore... it doesn't serve me anymore. I'm different from the person I was just yesterday. I'm.. My consciousness is more and I'm ready to just let it out. I'll continue to admit I don't know where or how I'm going to do this but I'm not going to overthink it.. well try my best to. why was i embarrassed? ashamed? well I wasn't conscious as much as i am right now. I didn't know I was being conditioned to the ideas of what others thought was best. I looked to others opinions before i gain confidence to trust myself. I didn't know about spirituality... I can go on, but it'll come out.. I want it to get out. (wheeww... ok I grabbed my corn cob pipe and packed it... i'm loosing up my muscles in my neck, shoulders, and my back... there's tension because I'm still trying to really prepare myself to open up... i know you might be thinking... she smokes? yes I'm a smoker and at this moment it helps ground me when i'm anxious... I know there's things i'm questioning whether i can release some things but can i release everything ther's certain areas in my life i just don't know if i'm ready to let go... but i know i'm accepting the challenge... i will give myself to allow the timing that works for me... i'll release what i feel is ready to be released and the more i see how i feel from this release then I'll see if i'm ready to release everything eventually) So I was trying to express why i was embarrassed and ashamed of my past, right? well... i'm so hesitant because I still carry that now. I'm going to (shaking my head and slow breathes... this is not easy for me... ) (Dad's wondering if I placed the gas can somewhere... he's looking for it and he can't find it... lol) so... how do I tell others about this... am i just making it a bigger deal than it really is? I'm sure i am... everyone has their own stories and so fuck it... here's my story... society would label me and my dad as the status of poverty. Some may not understand what that means and some may... but maybe we don't have the same definition. so why do I use the word poverty? We don't have money in the amounts that society thinks people would have to have a fullfilling life. But how fulfilling is my life? I'm enlivened right now... I'm so grateful from all the shit i had to go through because it's led me to where I am now... everything has lead to this moment right now I'm expreincing. What am i going to choose to do with it? So.. I don't have a job right now... my job right now is to focus on understanding who i am now and what i want to create for my future. So freedom has been a value i've been working to create. I don't want to spend my energies where i don't want to. Because of the history of poverty it has allowed me to not attach too much materially... well I didn't feel like i had a choice, but i've got strength and intelligence that won't allow me to make excuses about money from stopping me accomplishing what i feel is important to me. I didn't realize my spirituality was what i was looking for, but i know it's paramount in my life... so let's take it as far back as i remember... well also the memories of my family who recall their memories of what happened during my birth and growing up... I was born close to a military base in North Carolina. I guess it's called Laurenburg but I have no memory of this location. My memories started when I was living on the island of American Samoa. This is where I started to walk and talk... so technically the Samoan language was my first language but I hardly know any of it now and i'd like to learn more eventually. My moms memories recall that once i started walking i walked right out of the door looking to explore... i wasn't afraid to leave her side. She said that I was a wild and dirty child... they would have White Sunday services at the church where everyone dresses in white... she would be afraid to take her eyes off me because if she did my white would end up covered in dirt. My brother has a memory of me when he came to pick me up and return to the mainland. So at this time I hear my dad and mom couldn't find a place for themselves in their home locations... my mom didn't feel comfortable in Indiana and missed her family and the way her culture lived was drastically different then how my dads family and culture lived. My dad went to live in Samoa and he was trying to build a hotel and create a lift like a ski lift that took travelers from the peak of the mountain of American Samoa and they would hover over the rainforest to finish in the village of Vatia. That's where my family is from... I say it's the village at the very end of the road settle right beside the rainforest. It's right along the beach. My parents decided they were going to get a divorce. It wasn't really because they were angry with each other... I haven't really heard any negative comments about my mom from my dad... lol.. he did say that i was a miracle baby though. because he was still in the military and mom decided to go back to samoa they didn't have much time together. And when they were together i guess he was having problems with my mom being intimate sexually with him... I guess they decided to sexually share one time on his visit to her and that one time was when i was conceived. (lol... so i took a few more puffs... loosening up a little more i'm getting more comfortable. my dad said he found the gas tank he's removing the glue he had on his hands. I told him that im just going to go all out on this journal and i asked if it's ok if I mention him... because unfortunately for him i'm his daughter who has found this as a purification process... i asked him if he minds... His response was a short break and said well i dont know why it would be a problem for him. he might just have to be more aware of what he says to me. We laughed and i said maybe when i'm at the journaling session.. lol) When I was born i guess my mother's dad chose my middle name... Sinai'taaga... this is a family name in our village that represents kind of like a princess title... I don't know a lot of the history of Samoan culture but I guess since my grandfather is the chief he decides who becomes the princess. Our family can be said we care and support the members of the village and he was going to show me how to do that. I've seen pictures and videos where i'm holding his hand everywhere he went. he didn't care what i looked like... i guess i mostly like to run around with a dirty tshirt and no pants with sand caked in my hair... lol thats what my brother's story said too.. he's three years older than me and my dad sent my dad to pick me up so we can return to indiana. my dad got custody of us. He knew my mom would like to have her time with us before we had to go. He's very relaxed and so he didn't give her a time period... whatever she needed. I didn't even realize that was going on. I didn't know when I left that I wasn't going to be seeing my mom again... at least for many years. My brother said that mom took him to meet a little girl... I come running up with again my usual get up a dirty oversized tshirt with no pants and sand caked into my hair... he said i started speaking gibberish (Samoan) and since he didn't respond this crazy little girl just turned around and ran to climb up the trees and play. Mom told my brother... that's your sister... my brother's response was... That thing is my sister? lol... that's his first memory of me when we were in Samoa. I'm not sure if he remembers anything about when i was an infant. but my first memory of my brother wasn't so funny. I remember I woke up from a nap and I looked out the window and I saw my mom holding my brother's hand and they were walking away. I ran to open the door and it was locked. i couldn't get it open... I remember banging on the window crying to get there attention so they can come and get me so I wasn't left alone. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep again from exhaustion of crying. I have some brief memories playing with my brother and my cousins. I remember there was like a Heman and a skull castle thing maybe... lol... I think maybe even thunder cats too... i can't remember but i remember having fun times. I remember my grandmother too... i remember playing with her hair... i remember i didn't know what i was doing but i was trying to teach myself how to braid and i made up a french braid but it's not the same process i now do. I also remember heating up water to place into barrels to take a bath with her... I feel bad because i don't have many memories from back then. I feel what i do really remember and what i carried with me was the bad times... i know i'm looking at these situations differently so I want to purge them out but while i'm doing this i want to tell people to not hate anyone who had done this to me. they didn't know any better... if they did they wouldn't have done it. And I've been learning how to release my anger towards them. Don't hold anything inside you... it wasn't your story... it's mine and i'm ready to purge it out of my system. I'll get to the main one but I'll start off with little ones to gain my confidence to express myself freely. Just because I remember the bad memories doesn't mean these people are bad people. I just went through trauma and so i was absorbed in the suffering I was in that I just kept looking for more trauma to confirm reasons why i should still hold this anger. I don't remember what I had done.. maybe i was cussing and my grandfather heard me. I remember him taking me to a couch and whipping me. I was in complete shock.. i couldn't believe i had done something so wrong that he would lift a hand to me in anger... i felt like i was so bad... i knew even then that i respected his opinion of me... and he's never reacted that way towards me before and when it happened a little piece of my felt like i was broken. There was another memory that involved my brother and a cow. So it was kind of like I had a pet cow... at least i'd go and visit it and i'd pet it. I didn't have a concept of why the cow was in a pen. I remember a pen of wild boars as well but it was the cow that i would go and visit... maybe because it has such a calm demeanor and allowed me to touch and pet him. Anyway my brother had came one time and the cow tried to chew his clothes and i was laughing at him. One day I remember my brother ran to me and started laughing.. I wasn't sure why but he led me to a tree and he pointed up into the branches. I wasn't even sure what i was looking at... I kept looking and finally i realized that it was the skin of the cow drying out on the tree. maybe i saw the spots i don't know but it clicked for me. the cow was killed and somehow i started to understand that the cow was there to be food for the village. I remember refusing to eat meat for weeks after that. I wasn't going to eat my friend... at that moment it didn't click that all the animals there was for food, but since i didn't have any emotional attachments to them I didn't care if i ate them or not. but this cow... i didn't want to eat. Another memory was when i was with my favorite older cousin and we were playing in the rocks and she accidentally through a larger rock and it hit my head. I think it might've been the first time i saw my own blood... i didn't really know what to do... she grabbed me and took me to a family member and they started to help clean out the wound... I'm not sure if I cried then, but i knew i was getting scared by observing their reactions. This isn't a memory that was bad but i just remembered it. I was walking with my mom along the beach or even along the rock where there were pools of water. I saw her snatch up a fish with her hands and bit it to kill it to eat later... she was a bad ass. And I also remember one of my uncles coming back from a fishing trip on a surfboard or a small boat.. I can't remember i just remember him coming out of the water walking to the beach dragging a shark... at least that's what i thought it was. I also remember getting candy and chips in the little grocery store my mom and grandpa was running. I also remember this guy... this bald headed guy who was really friendly with my mom and my mom would say it's her friend. I would call him "ulupo'o" bald head. In fact that was one of the only words i had remembered when i returned to indiana and i would recall words i remembered of the language. I knew this guy was more then just a friend... he would be taking my mom on dates and i would be there with them at times... I knew i didn't like what i was feeling when i was around them together. it felt wrong to me... but i couldn't really understand why... again i didn't know my mom and dad were getting a divorced. my brother probably knew but i didn't know so maybe that's why i intuitively knew i didn't like how friendly they were together. (took a few more puffs... stretching my legs too and popping my ankles... i feel a lot better now... i'm ready to just go for it and i don't know how i'm going to process this but i want to be vulnerable and open... this is working) So there was a situation I was involved with while i was in Samoa that might have affected me the most. I had a uncle who was inappropriate with me. I think he's actually my cousin but i looked at him as if he was an uncle because he was so much older than me. I remember I would love to eat rice with milk and coco... I would lie down on my stomach and watch a little tv while i ate. It was almost like a routine of mine... maybe that's why he knew that i would be there when he decided to pull my panties down as i was laying there. I can't even remember struggling or yelling or crying or wanting to run... it was as if i didn't really know why he was doing it. I trusted my family... all of them i thought... i remember turning my head to see what he was doing but i didn't know and so i ended up watching the television again... i heard a sound it was like a spitting noise and i felt that he spit on my bare butt... and then i felt something rubbing the moisture up and down my crack... i looked back again and i saw he was straddling me on his knees with his pants off. he had his penis on my butt and was rubbing it on me. I don't really know if i understood that it was a penis. i don't even know if i realized it was giving him sexual pleasure to be doing this to me. I don't know if i knew what i was feeling when he was doing it to me. I think i just literally just turned back to watch the television. (dad's looking for the broom... had to grab it for him) I remember it wasn't a one time thing... he would do it multiple times. and it also became like a routine for me too. I'm not sure what happened but I didn't want it to continue anymore. When he tried to pull my panties down i stood up to put my panties back up and I just left. I don't remember him getting mad at me or even running after me. From that moment I just didn't do my routine anymore. I didn't eat my coco rice in front of the tv in that room anymore. This use to haunt me but now that I'm recalling it at my current consciousness I can recontextualize it differently then I use to. I know I didn't tell anyone about what happened. And when I left Samoa to return to my dad... I don't think it affected me that much... it wasn't until I had an inappropriate experience with another older cousin. When I was flying back with my brother I knew it was only us two flying together without any parents and so I feel like i remember the flight attendants being extra nice to us. I'm not sure if this was the only reason but at least one reason why my mom allowed my brother and i return to my dad. (I'm going to take a break so I can help my dad outside real quick. My dad has his own beautifully chaotic mind he's living in and I'm apart of that while I'm here... lol he's got a large project he's been working on... I helped him setup his pool. Starting to feel like Spring here so we're both ready to stop resting and be a bit more active. There's rain expected early in the morning so he wants to collect as much as he can. Early we had to repair the large water tank that has a crack in it. He's been patching it up but it busted before winter and so it would only fill up half way. We don't have running water here and so he's been collecting water outside and has another tank upstairs which gravity helps to feed to the kitchen and the bathroom. He's got all the pumps going but again there's usually something going wrong and so we had to stop using the pumps through the winter because i think a leak in the hose first and then a leak in the attachment... lol... you're going to find out I can be pretty handy but I don't necessarily know the names of everything... i just get it done. and we can be pretty inventive on how we can accomplish things because going out and purchasing the "proper" equipment isn't in our cards, yet. I'll take a few more puffs... but I think I'm well grounded right now... this might be more of a habitual use of the pipe, but i'm more aware of this now) So while I was in Samoa I had like allergic reaction to bug bites on my legs. I believe they were sand fleas... I like to get dirty so I didn't see it as a problem. Maybe they started to get infected. I know my mom mentioned they couldn't find any treatment on the island to heal my legs, so she thought there would be better medication on the mainland. I have memories of one of my dad's sisters pealing off my socks from my legs. To me it looked like part of my skin was sticking to the socks... she would have tears in her eyes, but i don't remember crying over it. There's were several sessions but I don't remember how long it took for the infection to go away. I just had scars on my legs that took what seemed like forever to me to finally get to a point where they weren't as noticeable anymore. Lol.. I just experienced it again the last time I was in Peru. I won't get into it now but those familiar scars are back. Again it feels like it will take forever for them to be less visible, but i've been through this before... after time... they'll fade. My uncomfortableness of not feeling beautiful as much will fade with it. Any way... my first memory of entering into my dad's family was walking in the front door of my grandparents' home. Again I don't think I really knew what was going on... i was being ushered through the kitchen where there were cousins sitting along the counter and they were patting my head as i was passing by. They took me to this gentleman who was sitting on an orange tufted chair. They placed me on his lap and I just remember looking at him... he had a little curl to the front of his bangs. He had a split mustache. he wore a sweater vest and he was smoking his green pipe. I didn't know who he was at the time, but damn this man is pretty cool. I finally figured out this was my grandpa. You have to remember I didn't know the English language when I first arrived. So most of my indications of communications was nonverbal. I don't remember if I already new how to speak English when I started kindergarten or it really started to click into place the new language i was learning. It didn't feel like i was having any issues understanding. I was a fairly good student... Any way... That green pipe was a symbol for me. i was one of my grandparents' hospice nurses you might say. when I was my grandpa's I actually was pretty much living with him while we was preparing to pass. i'm sure I'll get to that later, but the cousin's let me have the first pick of grandpa's items to have... I chose his green pipe... lol... some cousin's werer bummed out about it but he had several other cool pipes to choose from as well. I still have that pipe but I don't use it as much. I was given a free corn cob pipe at a pipe shop because of how much business i was giving them. It's a lot easier to clean and it holds more tobacco. We were living with our grandparents at first. I can remember waking up early with my dad... he would be doing push ups and situps before he would take his morning run. I'd try to do it with him minus the runs. I remember spending a lot of time with my grandma. Oh by the way I was my grandma's 50th birthday gift. I was born on her birthday so i got to share all my birthdays with her until she passed. I remember how i felt when i looked at my cake and I didn't see my grandma's name along with mine... it just didn't seem right. She used to make the best cherry pies. I would well all the grand kids would help her collect the cherries from the tree and she'd do her magic and I loved them. After awhile I believe once I started living on my own I ate a cherry pie for my birthday instead of cake. I wanted to share our birthdays together still. Now I'm watching more of how i eat and what I eat... I don't do much of a dessert for my birthdays... i've been trying to travel and celebrate my travels with her... she always wanted to travel... maybe I can live a life she was hoping to do for herself. (i'm going to take a break to watch a few shows with my pops.... he wants to check things on his computer too... lol) Actually I'll go ahead and post this... but I don't think i'm finished for today... I'll be back probably when my dad goes to bed. (I don't have anything polished yet, but it's going to take a while... and i'm ok with that)