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Lol… I can really get into this and do a lot of research because I just really don’t know what available options are out there. So I did look some things up before coming back to the Journal… I went into questioning if I’d really want to tow a trailer or not… since I hadn’t really thought about getting a truck yet I started to look up truck bed options. So there are actual bed truck campers and they look really nice… there was one which I thought looked really nice, but it might be too much for me. That’s another thing that is sticking out to me… is really being able to use what is being purchased… I’d want to make sure it’s not a purchase that will be a one and done type of purchase… and also making sure to purchase quality. But I’ll go ahead and share the link in case people are interested… there were two that drew my eye… the Cirrus 820 truck camper or the Kimbo. I realize if I start traveling in this way.. I will travel around the US, through Mexico, into Central America and at least the northwest of South America. I’m open to continue traveling the entire continent of South America, but I also feel I’ll have to feel it out after ceremonies. I know I want to continue having these messages being my direction and focus, but it’s not what people may think it’s going to come into play.. it just never seems to be that way for me… again… I can say I’m going to work on the excavation first but… I know I’m going to be working at all the visions at once and then some really… I’ll be learning and meeting people to build relationships decades away at any moment… lol… it just doesn’t happen linear at least in my experience. So again.. I have a feeling that it might take five years to get to the expedition… shoot there’s been so much that I’ve changed in the last five years… and where I am now… I can see there is every opportunity to set this up and more… lol… but the fact is… it really doesn’t matter what I think the timing will be… it may be sooner or it may be later… This is a big vision and I am attracting people and people are attracting me… and that in my mind should take some time to align… So I like to plan but it’s very loosely planned… I definitely allow for surprises and unexpected events… it happens to me all the time and I welcome them. Again… going back to the chess game.. I may be able to say the me who is experiencing can look at say five moves ahead… while my higher self… already knew when I was going to put myself into checkmate… and already knew what plays were needed to be played to set myself up… not in a bad way but in a good way… lol… but anyway I also looked into possibly to pitch a tent in the back of the truck bed too. I know I don’t need much but I am kind of curious how it would be like to live a life towards luxury… lol… there are things that I might do from time to time that I would consider luxury items.. like for me buying this IPad and my IPhones were definitely luxury items. There was an adventure I did in the Sacred Valley which was an over-night trip where we rock-climbed up into these mostly clear pods mounted on the side of the mountain where we had a wonderful meal… slept and woke up to the sunrise in the aerial view.. it was really breath-taking and it was so cool to see how they constructed it… that’s what I’d love to do is work on projects were people will show me how to build.. lol… but the next morning we had breakfast and then we zip-lined down to the ground again. It was Skylodge. And actually when I travelled to Italy I thought that was a luxurious step for me too… but anyway… I love to imagine but when I really start to think about it… It’s really just a safe way to say possible desires… I keep distance from it. I don’t want to keep distance from it… but I also know I’m speaking to myself and others maybe listening or reading… whatever… and again I want to make them feel comfortable too. If I say I’m looking for things i want to manifest into my experience… might not be taken as well as let’s imagine the possibilities. When I say let’s imagine… I can see it’s allowing me space or distance to doubt. And if I say that I’m looking for things to manifest in my experience… then I step closer to being honest with my desires… yeah.. makes sense. And again I’m ok if the things I manifest aren’t exactly these things, but my feelings and emotions towards these things are being observed and recorded and I know I’m going to continue experiencing these emotions in whatever form they choose to show itself. Right I’ve looked into doing this before with a sense of lack… and I just feel like I don’t want to have that anymore. Even though I don’t want it doesn’t mean I cannot observe the tendency still fluttering in my mind… and I guess the first thing is to notice it’s there and know that I’m creating a different mindset… When I travel… I want reliable vehicles and I’d like to be comfortable when I’m sleeping and hanging out. I know I can live and deal with less then those requirements, but I don’t have to continue to do that forever. I already know I like to challenge myself… so I know I want to start planning the expedition so I’ll see how to prepare for it. I guess since I really don’t know the options available.. and I also don’t know exactly when… there’s new technology being designed and created.. so maybe trying to plan too soon might not be the best approach. There are already things I know I want to start practicing on now that doesn’t involve material things… increasing my spiritual practices. I keep thinking about the large tent… lol.. and really I’d love to learn how to design and make my own… or collaborate with someone who knows and is familiar with tent design. It might not be what happens… but darn it… that’s how I think… I’d love to learn how to do it… or even learn how to modify so the modifications continue to be quality and safe modifications. That’s why I would like to travel to who knows where… because I love to learn so much and I know I can find people who can teach me… of course we’ll be teaching each other in our own ways… but again… when I’m learning it all connects to different areas. So what am I feeling right now. I feel when I do my roadtrip… That I would like to have the truck… I’d like to have a truck bed camper… and I’d like to get a pocket motorcycle to ride… lol… yes I looked up a beginner’s bike… lol.. now a part of me is like… it’s not going to be that hard to pickup riding a motorcycle… but another part of me… is why don’t I just make it easy for myself for now… especially if I’m traveling in places I’m not familiar with… the easier I can help myself then the better. Once I get the hang of it I can upgrade to a large one. So I found two that I liked as a starter… and again.. I feel I would put a lot of use into them… and I know I’d be able to finde people who would want to use it when I upgrade… lol… or if I upgrade.. I just might like these… lol.. but one is yeah considered a pocket motorcycle I think they called it… it’s the Honda Navi… it only goes up to 50 mph and I don’t know if that’s enough for me… lol.. but I think it should be until I get used to it.. but what does it say: NAVI-GATE YOUR WORLD: Just about everyone who scores a ride on a Honda Navi can’t stop smiling. And it’s easy to see why. We’ve designed the Navi to be easy to ride, with a no-shift automatic CVT transmission. That helps make it easy to learn on too, even if you’ve never ridden a motorcycle before. Then there’s the small overall size and light weight, which makes it way less intimidating. Plus, it offers some pretty awesome fuel efficiency. And finally, because it’s so small it’s easy to park. And speaking of saving money, the Navi is the most affordable Honda streetbike in our entire line! Isn’t it time you started Navi-gating your world?    And the other I thought was a cool options it was actually a scooter but with a motor that would make me have to get a motorcycle license and register it… so similar to the first option but this has two wheels in the front which I think give me more confidence especially on gravel.. where is it… it’s the Piaggio MP3 530 HPE Exclusive… and I think it cruises at around 60-65 mph and could got to upper 70’s… that actually would be more like it… at least I’d feel comfortable driving it on highways. It’s a little larger body too for comfort and there’s a big windshield guard… it’s pretty cool… yeah I didn’t look at every other option, but I did like this… and what does it say: The new MP3 530 HPE Exclusive lives up to its name. The most advanced three-wheeler ever produced by Piaggio, it features a 530-cc Euro 5 High Performance Engine, cruise control, reverse gear, rear camera function and Blind Spot Information System. The definitive mobility solution for urban travel and further afield, it delivers an ideal mix of comfort and performance, making it a breeze to get around town and beyond in safety. An article by Cycle World says many good reviews, but here’s one: The MP3 Resets the Standards: From the start, the MP3 inspired great confidence, even for totally inexperienced riders. Simply put, it radically reset scooter safety standards, opening up the svelte urban commuter class even to chronic soft-seat motorists who would never think of riding anything that needed to be leaned around corners. So as I’m looking at the bikes… I have to think how I’m going to take my little buddy with me… lol… So yes I looked into pet carriers… and I think that scooter would have the more comfortable option for him. But I also like having possibly a sling for him too… I don’t know…. I feel like I’ve been wanting to design and sew a carrier for him too… I was trying to see if I can find a carrier that mounts easily onto a bike but then converts into a backpack when we’ve reached the destination… and since I have a smaller animal… why don’t we make it airline compliant too… lol.. I’m thinking the sling just because I think if i can get him closer to me with the noise going one it would help him get used to it. But I think I would switch up the sling too… I love the whole wrap around close to my chest… where did I see that the one I was looking at seemed like a man bought it or even designed it for his dog who was very anxious… it’s similar to what we see carrying a baby around… but with a cat? With my cat… lol… I’d like to add a few extras… first of all some type of scratch barrier between my skin and the wrap… lol… his claws automatically go out when I pick him up to place him into whatever carrier I have.. and I also like the bags I’ve had that has the extra security of a small leash connected to him… anyway there’s a few slings that I saw… and I’d like to combine them… lol… I think they were Amazon.com .. here’s a Yudodo option and then here’s the wrap option.. here’s the Pet K’tan version. Oh I almost forgot… there is a way to mount the bike to the hitch of the truck… now I’m not sure it can work with the style of the truck bed camper I’m leaning towards, but I watched a video of the guy who started this company… and I liked his attitude and I know he’d be able to make it work with the options he has… I’d probably just need to reach out and make sure the style I think will work will actually work… but let’s see I remember his name was Joe… here’s the one that might work for that scooter… ohh… I don’t know if he’d have one for the scooter actually, but I’d definitely pay extra to get one that would work… lol… I’d even love to go to his shop and watch or learn… lol.. I can say that to about everyone… lol… ok where is he… welp it’s Joehauler.com and he does Custom Haulers, perfect! Lol… I was just thinking if I could use this as something to tangle in front of my dad… lol.. I think he would enjoy having one… but I’d have to give him the chance to clear out the garage first… lol.. because I think he’d want to store it in the garage especially during the winter… he’d need to have space for it… lol… while I get ready for the driving test he can learn too.. lol… I could see him loving the… plus he couldn’t be such a speedster on the road at times… lol… well we’ll see. So I do think about technology as well… I know when I was thinking of the expedition I was going into satélite options and even maritime options.. many options for communication and possible access to internet while we’re traveling… I thought of maybe trying some of these out now, but I don’t really think it’s time.. lol.. I think I really need to get out there and talk to people and see what they know. Shoot I don’t stop and hesitate to ask people what they’re interested in… if it’s something I’m not familiar with I usually try to ask questions to get a better idea… and if I think it connects to this or that… I’ll ask… so I usually find interesting conversation to say the least… lol… but yeah I was gettin into the tendency I was getting to when I first was thinking about the expedition and i was getting overwhelmed… trying to figure it all out at one time and before I really knew anything… I was guessing with everything and trying to find all the options to check out.. it’s best to run into people who are more experienced. I had thought about emailing professional expeditioners… lol.. I just thought it might be too soon and most of the time I would be saying I’m not sure but maybe this or that… lol… maybe if they were friends I could get a way with that but even then… it doesn’t normally work…lol. But yeah I’m feeling so much better… I was going through a lot earlier and yesterday trying to think of everything that I was thinking about before.. but there was probably a very good reason why I threw all of that into recycling… all the things I was writing in isolation when I first arrived in my personal journaling… I didn’t keep it… I wanted to purge and I wanted to start fresh as I could and for some reason… I didn’t want to keep that journal… and man I was obsessed with it for at least a month… like how I once got… not eating and sleeping… lol… but I guess I’m learning to relax a little more too… I get so excited that I just want to go, go, go… lol… but I see the value of just taking my time and allowing time to help give me clarity before jumping the gun. I’m sure there’s a balance that I’m trying to find… I know I don’t want to wait forever and then I get too comfortable to not make any changes. There’s a balance I’m learning. So yeah I don’t think I have to worry about testing out those types of communications quite yet… but there’s some goodies that I’d like to start gaining experience with. This is funny because i say that the people who I meeting currently, they see who I am.. like say the people I know in Colorado.. specially when I speaking of my approaches to spirituality… they think I’m a saint.. lol.. not really but my behavior and thought is different to what they’re used to, but I find I have to convince them that I haven’t always been this way.. lol.. again if I’m talking about ceremony with them and they’re interested… I deal with all types but some who are say addicted to drinking or recreationally doing drugs… or any issues they think I wouldn’t understand where they are and I have to tell them all the things I’ve been saying here… I did shit… I was living unconsciously too, but I decided to make changes. But say I’m speaking to people I’ve known all my life.. they see me as who I was before… and again I feel like I have to convince them that I’ve changed… lol… so it just reminded me when I say I usually want to go, go, go… people who are reading this will know that I’ve been in isolation for so long that they might feel… what do you mean you go, go, go… you haven’t been doing anything for a long time now… lol… I can only say I’m changing… and it seems its only a few months it takes me to realize the changes instead of taking years… and i feel that’s a good thing… lol.. But I consider myself a creative and artist… and when I was in school I had access to many materials, tools, and programs and I really caught on quickly, but when I stopped going… I was limited in my involvement with the abundance of tools to continue learning in those areas… I’d like to get a chance to dive into them again… I loved computer aided drafting and also art… I haven’t been in that world for decades now.. so a lot has changed, but I still think if I can put myself into the position to have access… I’d find my way again, but I think I would like to start off with a decent computer setup and get some programs to dive deeper into creativity in art.. such as computer design and even musical programs and video editing… things of this kind. i want to work on my drawing faster… i feel this is going to be helpful for me in receiving clues… lol… i know this doesn’t involve computers… but I wrote some of the messages i was getting in the time before sleep and when I was seeing visions… I got the idea that it would be helpful to develop this skill.. not only because of the people I was seeing, but possibly during the expedition too. I was wondering how I would know where to go… when I go the message about the excavation… I was given an area I knew… so I didn’t have to draw it out.. I know where to go… but if I’m exploring terrain I don’t know… I was wondering how would I be guided… I thought possibly I could be getting visions of the terrain, and since I don’t know where it is… if I can draw it out clearly then they would give guidance. I thought I’d probably need a drone to be able to fly a good distance away from the camp… or even go on scouting trips with the drone to see if it can see these locations and then while scouting can get a better idea how to move the camp closer to the location. I don’t know it’s a thought… and so I know that I can at least start practicing this skill and I’d always wanted a drone… I love photography and videos and I think it would be cool to learn how to use a drone… I wouldn’t just use it for the expedition.. but as I travel. I even said if I hired myself what would i do… well I wanted people I work with to record themselves… well I’d like to do the same thing. Similar to what I’m doing now… but using video footage and who knows what else… but I’d like to find a pretty heavy duty drone to be tough enough for the changing weather conditions I can assume will be in the mountains. I’d like some video editing programs… again maybe meet someone who can teach me… so maybe not get the program fist.. talk to someone and have them recommend… i don’t know… but something like that. I want to work on music… I’ve really been interested in exploring more on learning different types of instruments. I know I’ve been trying to build confidence in my singing… I sing Icaros in ceremony and I knew I needed to gain more confidence, but… lol… I feel when I’m in ceremony it just comes out of me anyway… lol… it’s obvious to me that I’m still searching for styles to resonate with… I’m sure I’ve already mentioned it before but I can go from an opera singer, to a beat boxer tribal chanter… lol… but I think I can continue to build confidence. I think that’s why I’m drawn to musical instruments too… I know some of the people I work with are already musically inclined… in fact I’d suggest to them to bring their instruments of choice when they join me in Aya ceremonies… I’d love to see if they’re drawn to using them… I’ve already seen people try to sing in their own attempts… it’s really exciting and interesting to me. Again I’ve worked with a shaman who had so many unusual instruments and it was awesome to have that in ceremony… but I’ve also been with shamans who think that instruments shouldn’t be involved with ceremony only voice… but I know I’m drawn to the Sa’sa… using the body as an instrument… so I have nothing against instruments and voice together… and I know a few people who know how to make their own instruments of choice… and yet again… I’d love to learn and maybe that’s how I’ll get some of my instruments… my making them… how sweet that would be. I’m not sure how people view hearing singing Icaros in ceremonies… I know I wasn’t expecting it as part of the process of ceremony, but I didn’t have any background in it. But that does remind me of the sedition in the yoga manual that I wanted to touch base in… ways to show Bhakti… and they gave some good examples… hmmm… yeah maybe I’ll go into that for a little bit… there’s something going on with my internet.. I know I can hear the wind being aggressive outside… so I’m going to copy and paste everything real quick so hopefully I don’t loose my progress so far. Ok… and it looks like I wasn’t logged into my dad’s WiFi.. so now it should be stronger. Ok… the manual… So I’ll start by referencing the book again, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati. Let’s begin: “Bhakti and Music: Thoughts are the language of the mind. But music is the language of the heart. Wherever there is Bhakti there must also be music. They are inseparable. There is no more exhilarating way of expressing Bhakti than through music. Music implies rhythm and harmony. And in this sense everything in the universe can be considered to be music… You should try, or at least aspire, to conduct your life as though it is a perfect piece of music… For a bhakta life should be a continuous symphony whether he is high or low, whether he is working or sleeping, whether he is happy or angry. All the ups and downs of life are mere ripples on the river or ocean of bliss… And in fact vast numbers of bhakta have expressed this inner bliss with their internal singing and music…. But for the bhakta, music does not only mean music or singing - it means the whole flow of life. Life is one continuous song. There is an inner music of the heart which is functioning ceaselessly, no matter what the outside events… This inner music should guide your life. It should decide your actions. But it can only come when you are receptive, when your mind and heart become sufficiently tuned… This inner music is the music of knowledge, the music of bliss. People of modern times have been seduced into always being in the audience… This is a great pity, for the most enjoyable part of life is participation. It is the same with music - people tend to listen rather than take part. And in this way the exhilarating experience of involvement is lost… generates an upsurge of group feeling. It is wonderful for removing stress and inducing relaxation. It helps to purify the mind and gives an outlet to emotions. It helps to unfold Bhakti. One’s feelings (bhava) are heightened. This leads to heightened bhava on a more permanent basis. Devotional music is powerful (509).” ”Expressions of Bhakti: What does a bhakta do? Many people think that Bhakti has to be expressed by wild singing or emotional prayers or utterances. And indeed this can be the case; many great bhakta have sung the most beautiful poems in order to express their joy, devotion and realization. Others have been famous for their joyful dancing. The Sufi dervishes are good examples. Every movement, every action is an expression of bliss and devotion. But this is not necessarily so. Many great bhakta were less dramatic. They continued to live their lives in a state of calmness. Each action and each thought however is permeated with awareness of the divine… He looks into the mirror of the world and sees the image of himself. Actions become perfect… Bhakti need not necessarily be associated with wild, abandoned singing. It can be felt in many people without obvious outward expression. It depends on the dharma or personality of the bhakta… Actually, every saint, yogi, tantric or sage is a bhakta… They must be bhakta, for the knowledge, the realization that they have in higher states of awareness must automatically lead to Bhakti… In the Srimad Bhagavatam it says: ‘… the devotee loses all sense of etiquette. He moves around the world without attachment. He always chants the name and his heart melts through love. he is like someone possessed, sometimes laughing wildly, sometimes weeping; and then he sings aloud and dances…’(2:2). This description of the expressions and actions of bhakta is as good as any. But a bhakta need not conform to this pattern. He will express himself according to the dictates of his personality, dharma and the given situation (504-505).” “The methods of unfolding Bhakti: There are many methods which the aspirant will find out for himself through his own experiences. In the Srimad Bhagavatam nine modes of unfolding Bhakti are given as follows: 1. Shravanam (hearing stories about the divine incarnations such as Rama, Krishna, Christ, Buddha and so forth). 2. Kirtanam (chanting the names of divinity). 3. Smaranam (continual remembrance of divinity in any form). 4. Padasevanam (service of the guru or service done in the name of the divine). 5. Archanam (ritualistic worship and offerings). 6. Vandanam (mental worship of everyone and everything as being the form of divinity). 7. Dasyam (the feeling of being the servant of the divine). 8. Sakhyam (the attitude of friendship… He treats the supreme as a close friend who is always in his company). 9. Atma nivedanam (total surrender… This leads to perfect union where the lover, loving and the loved become one)… A few important aspects of unfolding Bhakti are not clearly indicated in the list. Meeting great yogis and saints is an important way of intensifying Bhakti… Also important is constant reflection on one’s nature and study of the scriptures. This is called swadhyaya (505).” This again.. just help confirm to me… that I’ve been discovering how I awakened my bhakti and why I want to develop into a bhakta. Alright… I think this is a good time to take a break.

Ok… so there was something triggering in the back of my mind when it came to a vehicle. I automatically thought to get something that I would normally be comfortable with… I thought midsize SUV… but then I was thinking possibly I’m missing something. I don’t think I was thinking too far ahead. First it came up when I was thinking about how to not haul a small camper, but how to haul excavating equipment and also if I’m going to have a horse… I’ll need to be able to haul a horse trailer right. So the SUV probably won’t be what I should be looking at right now. I’m thinking possibly a truck would be more of what I’m looking for. Ok… I was checking it out and of course there are options… when I was looking at the toy hauler campers… I didn’t look too long, but of course I’m wondering if I should customize… but really I’d just like to get a basic toy hauler with windows maybe possible a pop-out bed on the side… but I don’t really care about the built in kitchen… I’d rather get the adaptive system like the happier campier. I’m sure they sell the system packages without purchasing the camper. If I wanted extra pieces then I’d just purchase more, correct… lol… yeah I’d think so.. goodness I’m coming with different ideas… hmmm… maybe I do work with the equipment that I’ve been looking at for the expedition too… lol.. so I’ve got many ideas of what’s needed but maybe there is some that I can try to incorporate into this, because I really don’t know what would be comfortable and portable… again I cannot tell you how unknown all this is to me… that’s why I was overwhelmed… lol.. I wish I knew more but I want to try different items that I think would work… lol.. i can imagine so let’s see where it goes. Geesh do I start listing things i was looking at? Maybe that’s a direction I can do right now… and see if this helps me. When I’m looking at the options that are already out there is good, but I don’t know if it’s beneficial to the larger picture of what I want to accomplish.. not sure if that makes sense, but let’s go ahead and see what I had looked at. First thing I was thinking is the sleeping quarters in the expedition… I know there’s a group that’s going and I also know that ceremonies are involved so I thought of a large tent. Let me see if I can find the one I was looking at. I was originally looking at a large bell tent. And I remember the first choice was the Avalon Bell tent 20 feet https://whiteduckoutdoors.com/products/avalon-bell-tent-20?variant=26429664034916&currency=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6cKiBhD5ARIsAKXUdyZLfmtC_NMTQ0WQlRMzJ4ENARIFa28zhVXSAAdskQ-3ZB-DDNHm-vEaAi8pEALw_wcB… this said the capacity would be ten. I saw some sleeping options that might be able to condense down the floor space that might even be able to allow more people too. But let’s stay on the tent first… for some reason I don’t think this is the one I was looking at because i remember the one I was looking at had two entrances which I thought would be beneficial… let’s see if I can find it.. there’s an Avalon bell tent at 23 feet which might be better, but again it’s only one entry.. let me see if i can find alternative options.. so there a Sibley 800 https://www.canvascamp.com/en_us/sibley-800-protech-double-door?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic which is 26 feet and the capacity is now 20 people. It has two doors. When it comes to ceremonies… I figured having two doors would be ideal if people want to exit for the restroom or to get some air. I didn’t see if they had any stove jacks. Ok they do not and the Avalon 23’ has two… so I’d still be leaning towards the Avalon… living in the mountains in Colorado… it gets chilly at night so I’m sure that’s just a mountain thing… lol… so I planned on dealing with stove jacks and honestly I feel adding a fire into ceremony will be really nice. I know I’ve done smaller ceremonies outside by the fire and it’s awesome… so I think that would add to the experience of ceremony actually. Hmmm… let me look at the Avalon a little more… for some reason I thought they had an option with two doors… I’m not sure where I found it before… but I like the water proof and fire proofing they offered… I did see the Sibley had some nice awnings to look at though too. Ok it’s time to get out of that search for now… lol… I sent an email to the White Duck Outdoors… I really do remember the two door bell tent and I wanted to see if that was an outdated design or something… lol… it doesn’t hurt to ask. So I’ve already looked this stuff up before but I thought maybe I can give a little information about White Duck Outdoors… their why choose us section is a brief statement that helps give why I’m looking to work with them: We’re consistently investing in our people, customers, product research and sustainability efforts to transform the way you experience the outdoors. We don’t hold back on functionality when developing our extensive range of outdoor gear, while ensuring that our processes are environmentally conscious and products are built to last. At White Duck Outdoors, we use our proprietary DYNADUCK fabric across our entire tent range. DYNADUCK is 100% double-fill army duck cotton canvas, treated with a PFC-free, fire water repellent, mold & UV resistant finish. This makes our tent range the most durable and comfortable canvas tents in the industry. And I checked out the file tents… they seem pretty interesting I’ll keep them in mind too. So different areas I was thinking is what we started with.. the sleeping quarters.. and so just to continue with that real quick I say these bunk bed style cots… let’s see if I can find them again… lol.. got ‘em… ok the Disc-O-Bed system… http://www.discobed.com/adults/ again I wanted to maximize the space but also I wanted to use an alternative solution to air mattresses. If were out in the mountains and someone pops a leak… I’d hate for that to happen… and this solution seems really great. Let’s see what it says: Disc-O-Bed’s patented modular disc system is built for durability and comfort and real world-tested by the Red Cross, U.S. Army and FEMA. Modular in design, the tool-free assembly of the Disc-O-Bed is a breeze. Pack up is easy, the cots can be quickly disassembled and stored in the included compact carry bag. Compared to other cots on the market today, you’ve got room to move with a longer and wider (35”) sleeping surface and an impressive 500 lbs weight tolerance (per single cot). With no center bar, the Disc-O-Bed is more convenient than an air mattress and less expensive than an uncomfortable pull out sofa. Use as a bunk, or two single cots at night and when the sun comes up, convert the bunk into a sitting bench. Ideal for both indoor and outdoor use. I know when I found this I really thought it would be an option to really look into. For now it seems most of the participants on this expedition are going to be males the 2XL option would be ideal to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone. I’m hoping most are willing to bunk up, but it can be separated to two separate cots just in case… and we can used it as couches outside too… yeah I like they come flat with carrying cases. They have storage included and there’s space under the cots to put shoes or more storage if necessary. Now I can see me getting at least this bunk cot to give it a go… and I also can see how people fit into it and see if it’s really something to use. I was looking into possible getting mats to put on them too… they’re not really for sleeping primarily they would be for ceremonies. It’s not necessary, but I do enjoy being comfortable for ceremony. Maybe we could use the cots but not in bunk layout… single layout… I’m just not sure everyone would be able to fit that way. And when it’s time for bed it would be nice to just easily go and get to sleep. hmmm… we won’t be doing ceremony like every night or anything… so we wouldn’t need to worry about using the mats that often… in fact I feel if we don’t use them much maybe I can just forget about it… maybe even just like a yoga mat? I’m not sure how the terrain is going to be but maybe having that little layer might be a little more desirable then nothing… not a huge deal, but I do think about the details.. So what are the other areas… well wait I did mention the fire jacks in the tents. So yes I’m planning on bring some type of wood burning stove or maybe two since the 23 foot has two… that can help distribute heat more evenly. This always gets me tho think about fire proofing the floors not only around the stoves, but I again know in ceremony many will want to engage in smoking mapacho so having a mat or carpet or something underneath the area where we will be sharing ceremony will be needed. I haven’t hiked in the mountains in Nepal and I really don’t know what the terrain I’d be dealing with… I can only assume from what I deal with in the Rockies… oh goodness.. lol… I think I need a break… I’m getting a bit overwhelmed thinking of every little detail, but I think I can grab a hold of some basics that I know I’ll be working with and incorporate them slowly into the process… again I feel the more I experience especially ceremony the more I can get a better grasp onto finding answers. I know I’ll want to visit Nepal well before the expedition and I know I’ll get a better understanding. I’m getting hungry so I’ll take a break to eat supper. Most likely I’ll be back again.. but I’m not sure where I’ll begin my focus.

Alright… so last night my dreams were kind of funny…. It started off like almost in an orgy situation… lol.. I felt like there were many women and men and large beds… it wasn’t like everyone was just going at it… it was more like there was a person who we focused on. It could’ve been anyone and I feel like I was watching at first I think I was watching men pleasing men and men pleasing women but again it seemed like two people at a time with everyone else watching… I’m not sure if we were waiting for our turn or when we were called to participate. I found that it was my time to please the person and I actually was pleasing women. The first person I didn’t know and I didn’t even really remember what I did to please her, but then there was a woman who started talking to me afterwards and asked me to join her… she was ready and I was willing.. but I could feel that I wasn’t really into it much… I”m not sure but she thought we were going to give them a show maybe… lol.. but as I was trying to please her… I wasn’t really wanting to participate and she felt that I wasn’t into it and so she slid off the bed and I saw her crying. I went to look around to see if anyone else would help her and then I can’t remember anything else from that dream. Ok.. then there was another dream where we were standing in line and a lady I know was talking to me. I felt like she was a friend of mine who I told some of my visions from the last time and she was saying that it’s most likely everything I was receiving were just symbolisms… and she’s friendly but she can be pessimistic too… and as she was talking she started to become pessimistic again… I didn’t notice at first and then I realized what she was saying and where she was leading and I told her that’s enough… lol… I said I don’t need your opinion right now… lol… I remember she was startled that I spoke to her in that manner… and I even said I don’t need your help right now… why don’t you just leave me alone… she didn’t want to leave and I said I’m serious… can you just give me space? I ended up going to the ground and picking up small rocks and she got scared that I was going to throw them at her… lol.. and I was putting them in my hand and putting them over my head as if I was going to throw it at her. So she started to run away… I was following a little bit and it seemed that there were yards that had fences up… and she wanted to run away into the fences but she didn’t want to get caught in the yard… she hesitated to enter and that’s when I threw the first stone… she got hit and so she went ahead and entered the yard… I was keeping a distance away and throwing the rocks to show her that I was going to continue to throw until I didn’t see her anymore…. She was trying to get out of the fence on the other side but there wasn’t a clear exit and then the owner came out into the yard because possibly wondering what the commotion was about. He didn’t see her at first and… lol… I said hey… there’s a woman intruding into your yard… he asked where? And I said she’s behind you over there trying to hide… lol… I said why don’t you ask her why she’s in your yard without permission… lol… and then I turned around and left and that dream was over. The other dreams I had was a little hit and miss on the visuals of what was going on… all I know is it was as if I was trying to tell someone or a group of people my plans… lol… I remember there was a time where I was telling a man who was packing a suitcase and I said… when you’re going to the jungle of Peru… you don’t really have to worry about packing all your clothes… we can buy clothes at a fraction of the price. If we get muddy or get tore up then it won’t be any of your clothes you’d like to keep nice. When we go to leave… if you have clothes you don’t need anymore we can always give them away or donate them… lol… he chuckled at me and said… I’d rather take my own clothes and I smiled and said ok… it’s up to you.. there was another time I was talking to a man and we were looking at a large helicopter… lol… it looked like maybe a double decker helicopter if they even exist or not, but there was a man who lived inside there… and it looked like there were large picture windows everywhere so we could see inside but it seemed like it was well locked up and so we just looked and he was talking to us through the windows. For some reason I think it was a sewing helicopter… lol… as if that was his job and he was advertising his skills in sewing… I thought it was really cool. And the guy I was talking to he asked me… so you want to get a helicopter? I said yes eventually I’d love to have a helicopter but for now I’m thinking about getting a SUV and a small camper. The camper I’m looking at is only going to be around 1500 lbs… and so I don’t need to get a huge SUV.. and he was listening but a little surprised by my answers… and again that’s all I remember from the dream. I don’t remember what else was being said… but it felt like I was laying down talking about plans… trying to tell people and I also found myself chuckling to myself because of all the reactions… lol… let’s say I woke up in a good mood but I was shaking my head… dreams can be pretty funny. I thought maybe I should go straight to the Journal and start typing but I found myself relaxing a bit and I ended up chatting with my dad… and then I started thinking of things I wanted to do today to help around the house. I thought I would go and separate the metal from ferrous and nonferrous metals using magnets… but it was rainy and cold today so I did things around the house. I had an early dinner and afterwards I thought… it’s a good time to get Journaling… and I wanted to kind of continue with what I was doing yesterday, but I think I can do something similar but a little bit different approach. Let’s imagine together… many people I know are uncomfortable to imagine or day dream about any possibilities. Many think it’s silly because it’s not a practical thing to do with our minds… and I say.. it’s not supposed to be practical… it’s supposed to help expand attraction and creativity. I had thought at one time to do a podcast with specifically getting people to imagine together. I thought about doing silly things together to loosen up and get relaxed… I remember when I was thinking about this I brought it up to a few of my girlfriends and I had them do the prep activities with me… and it was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing… and it’s extremely goofy but that’s the point… we didn’t want to start off the session on a serious note. I thought many people maybe be nervous to talk in front of people and worried about being judged by their thoughts… so I thought… literally start off by being as goofy as possible to get them to not be in their heads too much and also to allow playfulness be present when they imagine. I figure this is a great first step to encourage visionaries who think they’re not visionaries… the first step is to get them to be comfortable in dreaming or imagining. I’ve tried this on a few people and it was tricky to get anyone to participate… I didn’t try it too much… I can really think I asked three people… and I was trying so hard for them to be open to imagine together but they refused… and so I let it go… but i thought if there was a podcast then people who would join the conversation would know that’s the point of our conversation. I’d like to get people who are comfortable and who are uncomfortable. I’d like to have them start our conversation of imagination, but I also know I might have to have options for them to choose from… even if that’s a beginning point… and once they get into the flow they can lead into the imaginations they are drawn to dream about. Lol… this was maybe six to seven years ago when I thought about this… and to loosen people up I was thinking not only will it be heard but an option for it to be seen too… so I love making weird noises or noises in general… lol… The things I said and did when I was teaching ballroom dance took my by surprise but then it felt like the natural approach to teaching this way… lol.. any who… making the most unusual noises and trying to copy cat them… and then doing silly copy cat movements that goes with them… yes… it sounds like a kid game… well… that’s a good way to get us in a playful mindset… any way I hadn’t thought about this in a long time… but I did think of… why don’t we imagine together… that’s still something I’d like to continue to try with the people I meet. So I’m going to imagine… and what’s coming up to my mind is instead of me wanting to have a business where I pay people to work on themselves… I thought what if I paid myself to work on myself. What would that look like? What would I do? And since I”m imagining… I have no limits when it comes to monetary funding… I’ll pay myself whatever it takes to get my imaginations to become reality. Honestly my first thought… is I”d like to give some of my money to my family and few close friends.. but I’m going to approach this a bit differently. Let’s say… well let’s bring it back to my chess match with my higher self. Let’s say I put me who is experiencing into checkmate and my higher self wins. And my higher self… says… let’s focus on us for now. If we had the opportunity to do whatever we want right now… what would we do… we can help others eventually but what do we want right now? So I’d say… ok… there are a few personal things I’d like to do for myself to get them out of the way or at least to get started. I have some debt that I would like to pay off. I’m not sure if I’d just pay them off right up front… or make it in payments. I guess in the future… I’d like to purchase big items so establishing credit would be the best approach… so I’d make payment plans. I actually got my three credit reports at the end of the year last year… and all that I had on them was my student loans. So I would make arrangements to pay them off… could I just do it for one or two years so it doesn’t have to accumulate too much interest… probably. I know I owe money to the IRS as well… I was considered a self-employment when I was teaching art classes so I know I have to pay that off too. It wasn’t on my credit report so I think I would just pay this off at a one time payment… it doesn’t record anything towards my credit. I have a little debt to my dad and a friend who both helped me with some funds last year. I can definitely pay them off with a one time payment. That’s actually what I normally do… I don’t ask for much and so when I work in the summer.. I usually pay off the small loans and have enough saved to go travel and do my ceremonies. So that would be something I’d like to take care of at the beginning. I also think I’d like to have another bank account. I have an account in Colorado but since I’m starting in Indiana… I’d like to get an account here too. I’ve looked into a few options to participate in saving certificates and money market options… I won’t go into detail in which ones.. but I would like to participate into these. I usually only use credit unions but I may be open to a larger bank possibly. Because I deal with smaller credit unions… I have run into the problem of sending money to foreign countries… and also when I lose my debt cards, they are unable to ship replacement cards to foreign addresses. If I go with a larger bank then they have more experience dealing with foreign entities so they may have more options to help me if I need any assistance while I’m out of the country. Maybe I can briefly look into this real quick… maybe a general search real quick… lol… I am rather clueless in this area… I saw there was an option with HSBC International Banking- tailored for global citizens… it looked good it looked like they’d be able to setup bank accounts in foreign countries, but I know specifically Peru would be a priority and they are not on the list. But I can look later.. I’m sure there are options when I have more time and interest. I’m uncertain this would be important right off the back… I would like to possibly setup a bank account when I’m there in Peru… I tried to look into it.. and it seemed I’d be able to using my passport number but many of the details were in Spanish and I just didn’t find it easier than just getting my money from western union. But I’d like to see what options I have… well… just briefly let me take a look… Ok… it looks as if I can only open a bank account if I have a passport and also a foreign residence card… if I’m in Peru as a tourist then I’d be unable to open an account. What is a foreign residence card? Ok…lol.. I got lost in the website, but honestly I don’t really want to apply for a foreign residence card… not at least at this time. I was trying to see how I can get the 183 day tourist visa compared to the 90 day…lol.. last time I was there was during the pandemic and so they gave me 90 day visa but I stayed for 8 months… I just had to pay the overstay fee. I’m thinking I’ll probably be doing the similar amount of time this next time… so I was hoping to get the 180 days but I think I have to go to the Immigracions office to get it extended. So I guess I will not be opening a bank account at this time. So I’ll be working with western union again or even carry more cash with me to start. I think I’ve said but it is cheaper to pay the western union fee by withdrawing larger amounts then to have limited low amounts to withdraw from an ATM. Most of the locations I stay in Peru does not deal with cards… they deal with cash.. so again Western Union seems to work out best for me. I did look into maybe applying for a religious worker visa but it says that this isn’t recommended to apply abroad and I know with my Spanish skills… it would be best to apply say here in the US with a Peruvian consulate instead of inside Peru. That’s definitely something I want to engage in more as well… I want to learn Spanish more… lol… I had a video chat with one of my shamans today and I was laughing because it’s the first time in a year that I was trying to have a conversation with a Spanish only speaker. I did alright.. but many words weren’t popping up into my head as easily or at all.. lol… ok. So I think that covers this part for now. What’s next? So… lol… I think I would go ahead and mention there are some aesthetics I would love to address… lol… mostly it would be my teeth. I love my smile and I know I’d like to see if I can get the stains off my teeth… most people seem to not notice, because I continue to get compliments about my smile, but I know it’s something that if I had the extra money to partake in.. I would. Let me see if I can find what I was looking into that looked interesting. That’s it.. Primal Life Organics… They have a mouth makeover package. https://www.primallifeorganics.com/products/mouth-makeover-package It has a Dental Detox Kit it has two toothpowders for morning and nighttime brushing, gum drops, activated charcoal toothbrush, bamboo charcoal floors, copper tongue scraper, and a natural deodorant for a bonus… lol.. I love the charcoal tabs or gel from Lush and so I can see me liking their products too. The package also includes the real white sonic toothbrush included it has “five brushing modes at up to 35,000 pulses per minute, providing a gentle but powerful plaque-busting and cleaning solution (including one for whitening and one specifically for sensitive gums).” I’m not sure if this is necessary, but there does seem to be a stain on the top of a tooth near the gum line that seems hard for me to remove and so maybe it can help me remove it… lol.. and then the last item in the kit is the V4 LED Whitening System.. it has the red and blue light system to soothe gums, whiten teeth, and support mouth microbiome. It says it’s “Free from peroxide, bleach, and chemicals, our whitening gel contains: hydroxyapatite - naturally occurring minerals in your teeth to make your teeth stronger. PAP, a strong stain remover that won’t damage the enamel. Soothing, whitening, and vitamin-rich olive oil. Mineral-rich bentonite and diatomaceous earth clays strengthen your teeth and keep your gums healthy. Cleansing and whitening essential oils help remove bacteria on gums and teeth, promote fresh breath, and whiten teeth.” So yeah… this helps the overall health of my mouth along with whitening teeth… so I thought this might be something to invest in for myself. There was actually something else I ran into but I don’t know if I can find it now…. Lol… I love natural as much as possible and I ran into an option that looked at an African tribe which has gorgeous teeth and awesome mouth health as the foundation in the research of creating this oral solution. Let me see if I can find it real quick. Ok… its the Wodaabe tribe. I found it interesting looking into this before they have a festival where the men are trying to show their potential partners how beautiful and healthy they are especially by the mouth health but also they decorate themselves and even use makeup to look as attractive to the single women of the tribe… I think I looked up the person who wrote the article to see how I could witness this festival at one time…. I think that would be awesome. But let me see if I can find that solution… well the plant that they use is called Miswak or the natural toothbrush. I guess it’s more popular than I thought… lol.. I couldn’t find what I found before, but that’s something I might look into… but honestly… I’d rather go and visit the tribe and have them show me… lol… that sounds much more fun. So I also would look into looking into my scalp too. I’m not sure when it started but late twenties or thirties I started to get dandruff consistently. I’ve actually had a few ceremonies where I addressed it briefly but I would like to see if I can visit a professional dealing with scalp help. That would be a trichologist. From WebMD https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/what-is-a-trichologist, A trichologist is a specialist who focuses on trichologist - the study of diseases or problems related to the hair and scalp. As well as their treatments. I saw they may want a urine sample from primary care specialist. Which reminds me… I’d like to get a complete physical. Again… with these messages I don t know if these messages I’m receiving is because I have an issue that I don’t know about. This one right here is tricky for me. I don’t have a primary care doctor… I don’t know if I could request lab results for myself… lol… well I took a look and there are options but I don’t know if this is necessary… at least not yet. I’m not sure what the message was saying… but I think I can hope to have more ceremonies and dietas to continue to receive more messages for clarity. When I did blood, urine, and stool samples in Peru… they were normal except for the common parasite. So I feel there isn’t anything obvious or serious… so I can keep this in mind, but I think I can wait to determine if this would be necessary anyway. I did see there were vitamins and nutritional test which would be interesting to look at and also the heavy metals and toxins testing might be interesting too. But ok… going back to the aesthetics again… I know I’d like to work on my oral health and my scalp help. I have the scars going on with my legs, but that doesn’t bother me really… not at this time.. I know with time this will fade.. lol.. I usually like my scars.. I always say these are my tattoos my natural tattoos… so maybe these could be my leopard leg tattoo… lol… I have thought about possibly looking into maybe skin care routine. I haven’t had a skin routine and I’ve lucked out so far… but now that I’m in my forties maybe I should look into the future prevention… I just find it daunting to figure out what would work best for me at this time. I feel eating healthy, getting enough sleep, keeping active can contribute to natural beauty while I age gracefully. So that wouldn’t be something I would focus on unless I run into people who can recommend this to me. When I look online there’s so much information and mostly they have these large routines with many steps… lol… and that just doesn’t look appealing to me… at least not yet. So the last thing would possibly just getting a hair care routine to help my curls maybe. I’d like to focus on my scalp primarily, but I think I could maybe look into a hair care routine focusing on bringing my curls to life. I’d love for there to be more volume at my roots… I mentioned possibly entertaining a partial perm focusing on my roots. I have a cousin who is a hair stylist I spoke with at the birthday party and she hasn’t done it. She knows she’s heard of it, but she didn’t know how to make it really successful in her experience. She said I can buy a small crimper and focus on my roots. I figure it’s really not that big of deal… so maybe getting a little something something to maybe enhance my curls would be cool to give a try… again there is so many options… I might just have to ask women who has similar hair types as mine and ask them what they do. Again it seems everything promotes so much lengthy time to take on doing hair… I can do a little I guess because I usually leave it alone for two to three days anyway… so it’s not like I’d be doing it everyday. But ok… that would be what I’d like to do aesthetically. What’s next? So… I feel for the next five years I’m going to be more nomadic then I’ve been before. I feel that when I was trying to see if this is something I could live with… I found finding my own space has been the missing piece for my happiness and health. I enjoy sharing space and the community style, but I also know… I love to have my privacy too. And I know my little buddy, Elvis would love that as well. So I’ve been thinking… I’ve gotten messages to return to Peru and visit Nepal… now I’ve gotten other messages that I’m going to be traveling around to find teachers… lol.. I believe I mentioned this before… but I was getting visions of different types of people in the time before going to sleep. Geesh I’m not even sure if I kept that notebook… I was writing my visions and recording my dreams for two months… give or take.. but when I was purging I got rid of ton of stuff… I’m not sure if I still have it.. lol.. let me check real quick. Hey! Yay.. I do still have it… it’s been awhile since I used it.. I had several journals that I got rid of all these years… it feels so good to purge that I get in the mode of get rid of it all… lol.. but I do have it. In case we don’t know what I’m talking about… I’ll briefly talk about it again… well maybe briefly… lol.. but I started seeing images of people’s faces well.. mostly sometimes I would see there whole bodies… well actually now that I have this dream/vision journal maybe I can list what I have… may be interesting… They are just brief images… so the notes were brief.. so it starts with a man with long hair and glasses… looked over his shoulder talking about consciousness… a young girl with a braid in her hair… she’s maybe 8 years old… hmmm… there’s other little insights I was getting that I might mention too… I received, answer their questions… how do you meet these people? Healing is your attitude… someone drinking water… feels like, stop worrying about what others think of you… it got an image where if a have more questions… I can possibly use tarot cards to get answers… a man pouring water over himself as he lowers himself in an ocean or a large body of water… how much does it cost? Some numbers like a chart…invisible movement… an older woman who is a little heavier set wearing a floral top and a sweater and black pants she has silver hair… I asked myself is the one of my grandmas… have you talked to my brother yet? Speak with the teachers even if they’re hiding… I saw a man or a figure that was black and had stars all over him/her… who hid to the ground of a farm field. I felt like there was a red barn in the background…. Do I need a car? A man with long hair and tattoos on his face, he’s saying its not funny as he chuckles… a lady going up stairs… I woke up saying Tanzania… a man with long beard, mustache and longer hair, he might’ve been on a newspaper… there was a group sitting on a bench in front of a fire and one guy with a tobogán waved at me…. A female with a curly or wavy bob hair cut with silver hair, she gestured as if she was bowling but pointed at me instead… a man looks indigenous who’s is smoking a pipe but it looked like it was like a two tiered pipe and he was smoking… a naked woman with a petite body, she had black hair and was sitting on a couch and she was in the middle of a yawn… while we are family, doesn’t mean we won’t have our tiffs… seemed like an Asian squatting and looking to the left maybe… a video connected to a motion sensor and I’m’ drawing really fast, be detailed to understand… challenge yourself? To draw faster? A woman with pale skin and thin, she’s wearing a red halter dress, she’s sitting crossed legged, she has straight black hair little passed her shoulders with bangs… wearing a headband, her hair is full volumes and her face has sharp features…. Property I was looking up that was in Colorado which used to be a church camp… man with a toll, large wagon full of cans, he has a hat on and I think has a short beard… I said the word (EE-bee-ee-gee)… a little boy three or four years old, he’s possibly Asian or Hispanic descent, he has a round face felt like he was sitting between fabric… I’m open for guidance, I’m open to receive, I’m open to learn, and I’m open to remember… a two year old child with a headdress layer her head down she’s wearing blue clothing… man with a cowboy had and glasses turned his head to look towards me, maybe he had a bandana over his mouth… crying woman wiping her tears.. a medium sized man sitting on a stool with a buzzed hair cut maybe dishwater blonde with his mouth open showing his tongue and food, he was wearing a striped shirt with a collar and jeans… like I’m at a concert and a man is pumping his fist to the rhythm…expectar es muy importante (to expect or expectations are very important)… invisible friends… yes, I trust me… I’ve got bigger fish to catch… just let it go and let it flow… “Millen” as a tropenghar? An older woman with a teal sweater holding a golden retriever puppy, she was kissing it and holding him worried while I was approaching… ok that’s what I got… and these visions I was seeing from November 15th to January 29th. So I don’t know whether these mean anything or not… lol.. if I received them in ceremony it would be a different story… lol… and I’m sure I’d have more time to digest the images as well and probably more hints to what they mean… but I feel possibly these are people I’m going to be looking for or meeting them casually… to me I feel they are going to be teachers for me in some way and I feel they are at a level of higher consciousness whom I’m interested in meeting and learning from… I can only assume they’ve been in this state longer than myself so maybe they can help guide me… I’m not sure but this is something i remember and I have in the back of my mind… so it’s something I want to explore. So…how does this apply to a nomadic lifestyle and having privacy at times? I assume that I might have to have more freedom to be driving through countries. I didn’t get any images of where these people live but I’m assuming they can be anywhere and because of how I am where I like to be on the scenic paths… where it’s not so well known and traveled.. that in this style of how I like to approach traveling will allow me to fall into amazing places, situations, and people… so I think it would be time to look for a vehicle. It’s something in my mind that similar to my cat… lol… I found out that I didn’t want to leave him behind anymore… and that’s the reason why I feel I haven’t been looking for a vehicle either… I’m not in one place for long periods of time so I thought it would be best to not invest into a car if I’m not using it most of the time. I know I could let other people use it, but again… it just didn’t seem like the right step until now. But I still uncertain because I haven’t traveled across country borders having a vehicle. I know people do it, so it’s not like it’s impossible but I’m sure there is more planning to make this change. I had once thought about driving to Peru before and I knew that I couldn’t drive all the way there… Between Panama and Colombia we’d have to go by boat… so that has discouraged before. I know again that many people do it.. so it shouldn’t be too complicated… it’s just the whole Spanish thing that makes me worry a little. I can always try to pay a friend to be my translator so it can go smoother, but again I know I want to be independent and able to communicate more in Spanish so I want to make that a priority. Actually I’m going to jump around again… How to learn Spanish… so I hardly knew any words of Spanish before I left to Peru for the first time… lol.. I remember and probably still do.. I try to say good morning, good afternoon, and good evening.. but I would mix them up… lol… I wouldn’t realize I did it until after the people passed… let’s say I laugh at myself a lot because i know how crazy I sound when I try to talk to Spanish local speakers… lol.. I hope they realize if we were talking in English we’d be able to have a conversation, but since they don’t know English… I’m extremely limited in my communications… mostly it’s a lot of smiling and sign language or physical gestures to help communicate what I’m saying.. lol… and a lot of laughing… I try to use my phone translator but I realize that doesn’t do an accurate of job as I think it does… lol.. even the way I type in English doesn’t translate accurately to Spanish. So most of my learning is throwing myself into enculturation by visiting without any priory study… lol.. it’s exciting and its frustrating… and I know I want to be better. I’ve downloaded free language apps and through different library memberships I’ve tried programs like Rosetta Stone, but it’s not exactly what I’m looking for… but it has helped out a little. I have a friend who gave my a Spanish workbook which I have now… I was diving deep into it but then I found myself getting to a point where I didn’t know if I was pronouncing it correctly… but I do find the workbook more helpful because it has several ways of approaching learning and I know I’m getting better but it still doesn’t help me have conversations. So yeah… I ran into a new way to learn which I find interesting and maybe a good option would be virtual reality. With a quick search there are two that looks like I would like to explore more… https://www.fluentu.com/blog/virtual-reality-language-learning/… Mondly or EmmerseMe… I need to look more into Mondly but I did like the fact it has around 30 languages and I watched a YT video on EmmerseMe and I liked the fact that I could learn with VR equipment but also with a computer and phone too… so yeah ideally I feel this could be a good supplementary option. I have friends who speak both languages but we don’t have the same schedule and also they might really know how to teach language… so it would be nice to not only practice reading and writing, but hearing and speaking the language would be beneficial. I’d like to look at the 30 different languages on Mondly because I know I’d like to learn Spanish, but I would also like to get some experience with Nepalese, Indian, Swahili, Portuguese, Japanese, and many more… because I’d love to travel and be able to communicate at least to some degree as I visit. Ok let’s get back to vehicles… I have been thinking about what type of vehicle I would like to have. Now just to go ahead and mention that I’m thinking of a camper too. Again depending where I go.. I can know that I’d like to visit natural landscapes and instead of camping in a tent… I’d like to have a camper. I thought maybe driving a van, but I think it’s more appealing to be able to set a camper somewhere and have the freedom to drive without a kitchen and bed etc. with me. Also when it comes to my little buddy.. I know I’ll be exploring when he just wants to chill so I want those options as we travel. But let’s try starting with vehicles… by the way… lol.. I’ve driven a few of the newer cars out nowadays and I’m not used to all the bells and whistles. I’ve had a car that was a 2001 and earlier. I haven’t owned a vehicle any newer than that. Now the car that my dad has is I think a 2008… which isn’t far off from what I’m used to. But honestly… I didn’t have much money and when I needed to do repairs… I wanted to be able to actually afford to fix it on my own. So my go to were older Toyota models. I’ve actually replaced an engine with one of my cars… lol… I had a buddy who was into racing so he knew quite a bit about car engines but he was a bit older and large and so having me do most of the labor worked out great. I thought I was going to have to label every piece we took apart but realized everything was color-coded and individually shaped that it wasn’t hard to place things back into place. But with my size of hands and relative strength it was easy to take things apart and reassemble… lol… it only took a few hours in a few days to get her replaced. I literally took an engine out a junk yard… she was a junk yard dog he called it.. so we didn’t even know if it was going to work, but it looked like it was crashed and trashed because of physical damage not because of it’s age… so we didn’t have any power tools… I was able to borrow a cherry picker, an engine hoist from my cousin and then we had to rent a large wrench from a car store but other then that… everything was done by hand. Needless to say.. she purred when we got her back together again… so any who I really preferred engines that weren’t connected to a computer system so I could do the labor to get it back and running. If my higher self wants to take care of me…I feel confident that if I have issues where I couldn’t do the work myself.. I’ll be able to take it into a shop to get the work done… so having a new vehicle would be cool. So again I was thinking about not just traveling around the US… logically I can think where would I drive this vehicle… I can drive it up to Canada which I can assume has similar vehicle brands but again I know I’m going to be heading to the jungle in Peru… what do they drive there? Mostly they drive tuk-tuks but I’ve seen cars there and I see a lot of Toyotas…. So I figured if I go with another Toyota… if I happen to run into any issues again… I should be able to get the parts and a mechanic in those areas. I kind of like the styles of Jeeps, but one of my best girlfriends had a Jeep wrangler and she had so many issues with it and it was expensive repairs… she said she wouldn’t recommend a jeep. I like the style but yeah I think Toyota is what I’ll start with… I’ve had success with them even though they were smaller cars… I’m looking for a SUV this time. What I did like when I was looking at Jeeps was the fact that they had an option to have a solar charge option when in remote areas… I haven’t seen that advertised so far with a Toyota, but I can look into that more later. So there are two that I’m leaning towards.. the RAV4 and the 4Runner. The RAV4 has so much better gas mileage that I’d really try to work with it, but the trailer packages are limited in weight. Now the camper that I’ve been looking into is small and lightweight so it should work, but I feel I need to do a little more research. I like the size and the concept but I’m not sure if it’s exactly what I’m looking for. The camper I’m eyeing is the Happier Camper… I don’t think it’s really designed for long stays of being remote so I’m sure there can be modifications to add to it. I also liked the Armadillo up in Canada. They both are similar in size… I’d be able to park them in one park spot… the weight of the Happier camper is around 1100 lbs and they said all loaded up would be around 1500 lbs… which is pretty light weight considering, I guess… lol… when it comes to the Armadillo… I can’t remember what the weight is… wait a second… ok is’t approximately 1800 lbs… so not much difference but that looks like it’s dry weight. There’s benefits for the both of them… in my opinion… when it comes to the Happier Camper HC1 https://happiercamper.com/pages/hc1-travel-trailer, so not only is it super light weight and can be towed with most standard cars. But it’s really flexible when it comes to the interior which peaks my interests. It’s a small space and so when I want to sleep there are times that I’d love to have almost the entire interior transform into a huge bed. If I am wanting to eat or even work on projects I can make a table and benches. I can move everything around if I wish to. It’s called the Adaptiv system. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES ADAPTIV® COMPONENTS Change up your layout at any moment by pairing our unique Adaptiv floor grid with our system of modular components. With Adaptiv, you can instantly adjust the interior of your travel trailers to suit your needs. The modular components are made from durable materials and can be easily rearranged, stacked, and used outdoors. It’s indoor and outdoor materials… so I can arrange outdoor seating and indoor seating depending what I need at the time. Plus I like the fiberglass construction… QUALITY CONSTRUCTION The HC1 is made with 100% fiberglass double hull handcrafted shells, honeycomb fiberglass floor grid, custom hardware, and custom durable components. Fiberglass exhibits less expansion and contraction due to heat or cold than alternative materials, it's flexible, and has a remarkably high strength-to-weight ratio. This means our fiberglass lightweight campers are designed and built to last generations. So if I get it really messy… say dirt of paint or whatever… I can remove the cubes and hose it down… it already has a drain to help with this…lol… So in theory I think I would enjoy this. The things that are not as convenient which is why there’s a difference in the Armadillo to this option is. There’s a nesting sink with the capabilities to have a refrigerator drawer at the bottom, there’s like a compost toilet, and then no bathing area… again for me… I think that would be ok except the bathing area… I know I can grab a shower head or hose to bathe… but my damn soak in the tub that I am dying for… lol… how can I do that.. actually I couldn’t do that with either option. I know I’d still be willing to rent rooms from hotels and airbnb’s still so I can always get ones with bathtubs.. lol.. but i have looked into portable tubs. I was thinking possibly I can get a water storage and place it on top of the vehicle maybe and then use gravity to fill up the portable tub. how to heat it… I can always prepare a fire and tote pots back and forth… I don’t need all the water to be boiled… and I’d probably like to do it maybe once a week if I can… lol… but I was thinking trying to store most of my stuff in the vehicle or on the vehicle to help with the weight of the camper… I don’t really want to take too much with me anyway. But let’s go back to the Armadillo now.. to be honest… there’s one feature on the Armadillo that I love… and I wonder if I can pay someone to custom make one for the HTC1… I bet I could find someone. I wish I knew how to weld… ohhh… i know a friend in Indiana who’s a welder… i bet she would do it for me too… hmmm… that is very possible actually… but anyway there’s this underneath storage drawer they have… it looks really handy, maybe that’s not necessary but I could at least look into it to see if it’s possible of not. With the Armadillo it’s more like a standard camper with kitchen and bathroom and fixed furniture… it looks really similar to the HC1 actually… I think I’d go ahead a check out the HC1s that are for sale right now. Many are found on FB marketplace… I could go and visit the owners and ask questions… shoot they may even let me take her for a spin for the night to see if we make a fit or not. There’s a little larger Happier Campier but I just don’t think the extra space is necessary… I think if I need extra space then I would use the outdoors or literally rent another space… especially when it comes to my little buddy… many places aren’t cat friendly and if he can stay in the camper for a few days… it’s not like I won’t visit with him, but it would open up more options for me to rent. Lol… I could literally design him his little apartment when I’m not staying with him… there’s a lot of windows and I can set it up so he can look out of them..lol… I could get a little baby monitor if he stars crying for attention… lol… who knows…he’s my baby so I might just have to do that… lol.. but yeah I think that would be a good start to have more freedom to have more privacy for myself and Elvis. But there’s the whole boat thing in Panama… let’s take a look at that real quick. So there’s options… Ideally I would love to take my vehicle and camper with me, right… and honestly I have been thinking about explore the Americas more than I have thus far. So taking my time to go through Mexico and Central America… I know there are a few friends I’d like to visit in South America too. I’ve got a buddy in Brazil and a girlfriend in Argentina… lol.. there’s actually a chef in Chile I believe I would love to visit too… just to see if I can find his information… it’s been so long that maybe I’m making it up by now… lol… hell yeah… I didn’t make it up… but he’s not in Chile… he’s in Patagonia, Argentina… everyone might know of him… lol.. I live in my little bubble so I remember someone showing me how he cooks over a fire and I wanted to learn. I keep thinking how to incorporate my experiences with skills I’ll need to learn for an expedition. I should be sleeping in a tent… lol… but I’ll wait for that for now… I know the tent I want to get is huge and it would be tricky for one person to setup… well the tent would be larger than my camper and vehicle together… lol… but anyway… we’ll be cooking over the fire mostly and I like to treat the people I’m with… I’m sure I’ll restrict the diet a bit.. but maybe we can have special dinners where we have a feast over an open-fire.. that will be entertaining and scrumptious… https://satopiatravel.com/experience/hosted-experience-by-francis-mallmann-patagonia/ Let’s see what it says: “You don’t grow on a secure path. All of us should conquer something in life and it needs a lot of work and it needs a lot of risk. In order to grow and to improve, you have to be there a bit at the edge of uncertainty” — FRANCIS MALLMANN — A few times a year, Francis Mallmann opens his treasured Patagonian island home to host guests for a magical stay at “La Isla”. This is an unforgettable culinary journey with the ultimate Fire-Cooking experience. A journey led by Latin America’s top chef, in one of the most remote corners of Patagonia will guarantee to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. La Isla is a tiny snowy island that you could walk around in less than an hour and it is where Mallmann filmed his Netflix episode of Chef’s Table. The island is remote, lending to the idea to come here mainly to disconnect from today’s busy lives and have magical dining experiences of open-fire cooking, designed and executed personally by your host Francis Mallmann. Whether on a frozen lake, a forest or a shore surrounded by the magical landscapes of Patagonia, chef Mallmann creates unique outdoor dining experiences for his guests. Experience daily open-fire cooking lessons, over custom made fire pits for 5 days with Francis personally. It is here in Patagonia where Francis Mallmann connected with his roots and mastered the traditional Gaucho outdoors open-fire cooking, surrounded by the great outdoors and the majestic Andes Mountains. Francis describes: “There are so many details because it’s such a fragile thing to cook with fires. People think it’s a beastly thing, it’s a manly thing… But it’s not! it’s extremely fragile.” I saw five days of cooking lessons with the chef present. There’s a private group option too… This might be a possibility for group training for the expedition… I know several who would love to go and learn… lol.. this could be incentives for the two I want to go who I’m going to have to work a little harder and more patiently to get on board… my brother is one… lol… The website Satopia travel… was interesting there were different opportunities and they are very interesting… I would love how to cook better and I kind of looking for different approaches especially for this expedition… we’ll have limited means and I want it to still be delicious and beautiful… lol… I love presentation if I can help it. I remembered I’d only make beautiful presentations mostly for guests I’d have for dinner… and then I thought… I love beautiful food… why do I have to wait for guests… lol.. I can do that for myself too. Not that it’s beautiful every time but I do make attempt to present it in an appetizing way… I know my knowledge in the kitchen is limited and I love food… so traveling and eating and dancing has always been top of my list. Ok to get back to the my point if I do decide to take the vehicle and camper with me across to say Colombia or somewhere in South America then I’d be able to continue to explore before Peru and after if I wanted to. I don’t know if I saw a ship from Peru to Panaman, but I’m sure there’s options Lima’s along the coast so I’m sure they could be something to look into. Hell I don’t mind using my imagination.. I even thought if I should buy a boat. It would have to be big enough to haul my stuff, but I would love to learn how to be on the ocean… I feel probably not in the near future but sometime in the future I’ll be on a sail boat maybe traveling to islands for maybe a year would be pretty awesome… but yeah I’d love to learn more about the ways of the waters and how to drive a boat. The thing about getting a boat in Panama I’d have to go around the north eastern part of South America to enter the mouth of the Amazon River… granted it would be really cool, but I feel that trip would probably take longer than I’d want… I know traveling down from Iquitos to Pucallpa will already take awhile… I’m not sure I’d be ready to do a month trip or longer yet… lol… But I want to start in Iquitos when I return to Peru. I’m going to have to look at it again, but I believe I have to enter by air or water… I don’t think I can drive into the city… let me double check but I remember people telling me that and I tell others.. so hopefully it’s true… lol… let’s check. So yes that is the case… let me double check if I’d even be allowed to take a car to Iquitos…. Lol.. ok so it seems I would be able to… but I forgot there was so details about the rules on how to import vehicles into Peru… I was looking at a shipping company and it started listing things required to import a car into Peru which would be a good reminder for me. https://www.a1autotransport.com/ship-car-to-iquitos/ it says: Documentation Needed to Import to Peru. Before you begin importing, you will need to provide some documentation first. This is important for the verification of the vehicle and the owner at the National Customs Superintendency of Peru . You will need to fill out a Unique Customs Declaration form and provide the following documentation: Proof of vehicle identification number, Bill of Lading, Registration of the vehicle, Type - Approved Number, Invoice of purchase, Insurance policy. There are a few rules and regulations you should also know about that could restrict your import: No cars older than 5-years old can be imported or with more than 50,000 miles, You will be required to pay 10% tax on new vehicles and 30% tax on older vehicles, You will be required to pay 0% to 11% import duty to Peru ( 5.78% is average), VAT is levied on all imports with the standard rate of 16% on the value of the vehicle, the duty paid, and the excise and tariff charges, Excise is only charged on some products at a rate of 0% to 50% of the value of the vehicle and the duty paid, Cannot be damaged or in any major accident, Must have the right-hand drive, The car has to pass the emission test before it can be shipped. Since it's not possible to drive from the United States to Peru, importing it through sea-faring cargo ships may be the only way to get your vehicle there. A1 Auto Transport can put their 25 years of expertise to work for you in shipping your vehicle to Peru. You will need to prepare your vehicle for importing. In order to do that, you need to steam clean your vehicle first. This will prevent it from being quarantined and keep your import process on time. If you don't, your vehicle will most likely go into quarantine and then be sent to a cleaning facility so they can steam clean it. Not only will these extra steps take more time but you will be charged for the cleaning as well. You can view the procedure for importing before you begin. You will also need to drain the air conditioning gasses from your vehicle. You can refer to Title 19 of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations for further information. This isn’t impossible but it does make me question if I’m technically importing or not… lol… I’m just traveling through.. Ok… this makes more sense… I’m not importing the car to sell or anything I just want to use it so I found on a site what it takes to travel through Peru. It’s not a government site but this makes much more sense… I know I met people visiting from neighboring countries and they drove their own vehicles… I’m sure none of them had to fill out importing paperwork… vocabulary I’m not really familiar with… I don’t have to deal with import/export thingies… lol… https://amazingtripideas.com/can-you-drive-to-peru/#:~:text=Can you Drive in Peru,ownership and proof of insurance. It says: Can you Drive in Peru? You can drive in Peru as long as you’re 18 years old, hold a valid driving licence in your home country and have an international driving permit. If you’re bringing your own vehicle, you’ll also need to have your vehicle registration documents / proof of ownership and proof of insurance. It is possible to drive to Peru from the U.S. via Central America and Colombia and Ecuador. However there is a caveat; you can only cross between Panama and Colombia by shipping your car on a freight ship. The border region between the two countries is known as the Darién Gap and is an impenetrable area of jungle with no through roads. There’s more information in our driving to South America blog post. Aside from this one break, you can follow the Trans-American Highway all the way from Alaska to the southern tip of South America. Ok that makes me feel better, but I still don’t know how to get my vehicle to Iquitos… I thought maybe since Iquitos is the northern point of my trip in Peru… that’s where I’d be coming in by land or boat… I think no to the boat at this time… When I’m in Panama I’d take a shipment to Colombia, Brazil, or Peru… I think the Colombian route is the most common. I have to go ahead and have the proper documents needed for each country I might or might not drive through and have them handy and available. I knew that’s what I’ll have to do for bring my little buddy Elvis with me. Each country has their requirements with pets and so I’ll have to be ready to provide those documents as we travel. Ok… so… would I need my car and camper with me in Iquitos? No not really, it would be really nice again to have the privacy and freedom, but I could see me traveling normally with my buddy and I together… but where would I store my vehicle and camper? Ideally I would store it with my buddy in Brazil… I trust him completely to take care of my stuff… the only problem I can see with that is the whole entry and re-entry into Peru right now. The tourist visas are expecting a single entry per year… not like Australia… so… if I enter Peru through Iquitos with my stuff in Brazil… I’d like to use my stuff everywhere else in Peru but it would be tricky to get permission to re-enter into Peru… so I would need to find a place to store my vehicle and camper in Peru instead of Brazil… hmmm…. I have a buddy I trust too… he’s staying with his family at the outskirts of Lima… so at least it’s not downtown or anything. they have kiddos who would probably enjoy using the camper while it’s there….and my friend and his family could use the vehicle too while I’m gone. There would be also the friends I have in Yarinacocha I would trust to take care of my stuff. I could probably park my camper inside the restaurant and they could use it for kids to play around in… and might even use the furniture for extra seating. My vehicle I could give to them to use too… actually the owner can use it, but I also know there are many travelers who visit and they might be interested in using the car to get around the city. Hmmm…. Either would work really, but I think to start it off… let me look at the map again. Ok actually if I take it to Lima… that would take me further south than I want to be. It would be best to get it shipped to Colombia and then I can drive through Ecuador and into Peru… I actually have a few friends in Tarapoto who I trust who would watch my stuff… he doesn’t need my vehicle though.. he rides his motorbike… hmmm… I’ve got shamans who I’ve worked with who might be able to use the car while I’m gone… This is the city I’d like my dad to visit… there was a great group of retirees from the States I found here who were thriving in their retirement… I really thought he should meet them. So I do want to visit them, but I don’t know if this is the time… I think I would drive to Pucallpa right off the back then. I would go ahead and drop it off there and I know a few options but I know they would appreciate it and that would be probably the most use it can get. There might be other times that I might have to leave it there… if I don’t get a boat… then when I travel to the village and also if I want to go to Contamana for a visit. Technically if I buy a boat I’d like to leave it for the village to use anyway… so if I purchase on it would be around Pucallpa where I would want to purchase it. Hmm… could I purchase a boat and travel up the river with everything to Iquitos? Hmm… I think that is an option still… lol… i wouldn’t need to leave it anywhere and take it with us… lol.. I would love to have the camper for Elvis honestly… I know we can deal with it, but we’re using our imagination here… and ideally I want my little guy to be a little kitty king… lol.. I know exactly where I’d park the boat… my buddy again who I trust has a retreat that’s in a village out in the middle of nowhere… the kids can enjoy the camper… if I do the mapacho diet… I’d have to see if I can set it up to bring my camper to the shamans location for my buddy… and actually my friend who was the facilitator who referred me to the shaman I can allow him to use my vehicle while I’m in dieta… I have a few friends actually… man I could let them know I would have a vehicle coming and setup maybe a schedule so they can share it? Shoot the dieta would be only a week or two long… the only thing is I do think Iquitos’ drivers are more wild… so maybe that wouldn’t be ideal.. just trying to take care of it and protect it in the city would be tough… most of my friends I really would prefer to keep it at would be in the villages not in the city. Honestly my gut would like to use the vehicle to drop of the camper at the dieta location so Elvis and I can use it… but then store the vehicle and boat at my friends place in the village. They wouldn’t be used during that time… I’d have to secure a cover over it and pay someone to watch it for me… lol… but… hmmm…. Actually there’s someone I trust in the neighboring village… lol… that village is in a cove and not along the main Amazon River… maybe that would be the safest place to store it. Most of the village is looking at the beach so we won’t get anyone trying to steal anything in that community and I’m sure they could use some extra money to help store and watch for me. Hmmm… I’ll have to see… my buddy who has the retreat is actually here in the States visiting… I don’t even know when he’ll return to Peru… he has his employees looking after things while he’s gone. Ok… there’s definitely options. Even if I decide to fly into Iquitos… that’s still on the table too. I also want to do a second dieta while I’m in Iquitos… there’s a shaman outside in a village who I would like to do dieta with, but after the mapacho. I would actually try to see if his son could join us too. His son works in Chile right now but he comes to do his dietas… and so maybe we can work it out to work together with his dad. I still don’t know who I’m going to be working with… and I’d be interested to see how they are in ceremony together. I know the style of his dad wasn’t necessary the style I liked.. only because I actually felt like I was a sick patient which normally isn’t the case. It might not be his father’s fault.. it was probably all me. I know he was the one who sucked out the negative energy and I found myself doing the same thing in others… So I can give him another chance. I’ve done double the ceremonies and a lot of integration since we shared ceremony last… what I did three ceremonies with him… he would’ve been 14, 15, 16th ceremony… so yeah he’s had time to progress too. Again ideally I’d love to have my little camper with me to stay in and Elvis has a comfortable spot too. I know I’d love to get the experience with a boat… and taking a five day trip to get there… maybe staying maybe six weeks to ten weeks… and then coming back stopping in Contamana… that would awesome… the only thing is I don’t really know anyone in Contamana except that college student who referred me to visit. We don’t really know each other… I could see if we’d be able to find people to help, but I’d also be willing to fly there too… again I know I’d like to share this with my friend who wanted to join me last time in ceremony. That reminds me… we can use the vehicle to get to Sacred Valley and to be able to really travel around would be ideal… there’s so many ruins and locations that aren’t the easiest to get to. I’ll have to look it up again, but I’d like our central base to be Urubamba… well… maybe we wouldn’t need a central base… ohhh… lol… there’s a lot of good people I’ve met in Peru as I traveled. The family that owns their business of making wool and knitting and selling their goods… I cannot think of their town right now… but that would be a great location to have our setup…and in case we need to store our vehicle or camper that would be the spot. The only reason why I say that is to get into Aguas Calientes to visit Machu Pichu we have to either hike or go by train… we wouldn’t be able to drive in. Oh man I remember this couple I stayed with too who would be an ideal candidate to stay with too… and honestly there’s going to be plenty of options. I know people in Cusco but again I don’t really want to stay in city… I’m ok with visiting but to stay the night… I don’t know I’ll have to accommodate my guests.. lol… the streets are narrow and a lot of them brick.. and if I’m hauling a camper… would not be my first choice to stay there. There’s just too many other towns which are just as pretty but way more laid back and peaceful. Ohhh my goodness… I just remembered Arequipa… lol… and that reminded me of little Charlie… oh my goodness… could I pick him up? I wonder how he and Elvis would do together… they eventually got along… I don’t know if it’s time for Charlie yet… but I can at least stop and say hello to friends and especially Charlie… lol… I’d love to have this cat as my little buddy too. But honestly I thought it would be when I had a more permanent home setting. I don’t know… I could probably pull it off… lol.. i know there’s restriction on how many pets I can bring when I’m flying, but if I’m not flying I don’t think there’s a restriction for having two… as long as i have the proper paper work… hmmm…. Just entertaining the thought… they’d get a lot of up close and personal time together right off the bat… lol… we’d be living on the road. he would be picked up after all the dietas. There’s a lot of gaps but I did get a few of my questions answered in my head and this will help me ponder a little more on options… but I’m not sure how traveling this much will take on me. I feel I’ll be staying long periods of time that it won’t be that bad. I didn’t know if I should just go ahead and go around South America if I have a vehicle. There’s so much to see… and I can finally go to Buenas Aires… I’ve got a friend who lives right outside the city… I’m sure I can arrange staying at her place or somewhere… I think she has quite a bit of family around. I actually met her on my ceremonies 14, 15, and 16th with the shaman outside of Iquitos. She wasn’t drinking Aya with us in ceremony… she was doing dieta and i think she was with him for at least a month if not more. The crazy thing about her is we became FB friends… and we noticed we had a mutual friend who lives in Italy. We both was telling him happy birthday and noticed we both knew him… I was shaking my head.. and I asked her how do you know him? She was laughing and said he’s a really close family friend… I’ve known him all my life… she asked how I knew him? And I said he was my airbnb host when I was visiting Florence… small world… lol… actually if I return to Italy… I would stay with him again.. he was fascinating.. he was a storyteller.. have I mentioned I met two professional story tellers… I feel like I might’ve mentioned that already…lol… geesh it feels like I’m telling my whole life story in here.. lol.. but I have more to imagine, but I think it’s a good time to break… get some rest and see what kind of dreams if any I run into tonight… ok until next time.

Alright.. what to say about today… well this whole thing about remembering every moment… wait let me find it… lol.. make sure I was reading it right because I thought to try to remember each moment… and that was tricky… I have to say… if that’s the case then that will take some time.. lol.. I guess before I try to find it.. I’ll go with my original thought. I went to take my grandma to church today.. and I was listening to the preacher… and for the most part I was paying attention but then I guess I can say I was getting distracted by the children. I’m not sure if they were really a distraction though.. lol.. I know my attention gets drawn to them. So there’s about maybe twenty adults and then close to thirty children. Many of the children are from Congo. There’s a family of seven children that sit near me… and they are just too adorable. There’s a baby who is almost 1 to possibly a ten year old as the eldest. You can tell the older children are parental figures for the young ones. But I know I don’t go often enough, but I still like to get to know them in my way and the baby… oh my goodness she’s got these chubby cheeks that’s so precious. But anyway.. I was listening to the sermon. The preacher is still progressing with the story of Easter and the resurrection and they are at the part where he was talking to his disciples about teaching the people they meet to make them disciples too. How the preacher started was asking that when we get an expectation before we start a project is helpful. He mentioned if we were a student and the teacher starts the semester by saying I expect we know this, this, and that. When we are at work if the boss starts a project then the expectations are this, this, and that. He was saying how helpful it is to know what the expectations are. He was relating this to Jesus speaking with his disciples but also to his followers… Jesus has an expectation for his followers to make more disciples until they reach all. Now I was being open-minded and was trying to hear him out on what his point was… I knew I was initially listening to him I was wondering what the real message the preacher was saying that Jesus was trying to spread.. and it took awhile for him to get there… but first he was saying that the followers are to preach or teach from the Bible and words of Jesus… which was expected, but what was the real message? And he finally got there.. the message of Love. And so I knew if I was patient he was going to mention this. And it’s a message that I resonate with as well… lol… I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t at least get to that message… lol… because I know more then half the congregation are children who are going to become disciples so it’s good to see that they use the Bible and the words of Jesus as a guide to share and spread love. This group of Congo families is relatively new to this church and I get the feeling that it’s really starting to change the approach of how they sermon the words. Which is great… everyone seems to be in love with these families and accepts them and they all seem to be asking their congregation to continue to open their minds to people who may be different but to still share and spread love to them. At times I have to admit that it seems they focus on how tough life is too much… lol… because it’s so tough… they are waiting for the return of Jesus to recreate the world in his image. They bring up how challenging it is to live in this life and to deal with relationships… they are grateful to have church services to connect them to spirituality. I continue to wait… to see what else is benign said… and I’m thankful he mentioned that we don’t have to wait to until service to connect. I guess why it kind of rubs me the wrong way is just how much they separate themselves from Jesus. Again I know they are trying to be humble, but again it’s as if they’re not worthy to become Jesus-like… even though he mentions that’s what they want to do when they take in communion. The body and the blood of Jesus… to allow Jesus’s wisdom and love to enter into them and to become one so they can teach like Jesus who was the best teacher. I just wonder if any of them will ever realize they have the same opportunities to become Jesus-like than Jesus himself. Is that too much to ask? Lol… I’ve been going to churches and listening but most of the messages are based on Jesus and not of God’s words… at least that how it sounds to me. Jesus was a vessel of God’s words, but instead of teaching God’s message… it’s Jesus’s message. It’s really not different but I’m just wondering from a teacher perspective… what can be said to help people understand they too are vessels of God’s message. I know I hear them say the evil one… they are not powerful enough to conquer or protect themselves from the evil one. Woo… there’s just so much I’d like to say… I think maybe that’s what is a little disturbing for me when I’m being preached to. There’s no feed back or engagement or interaction. How I see it the priests they get together and they interact and have conversations about how to preach… but when do the congregation get their time for feedback? Again… I haven’t been intimately involved in a church setting… only a visitor from time to time. In this particular church it does seem that when they have their youth lessons there’s more feedback but I haven’t attended any of those. Just by the conversation I’ve heard from the youth teacher. Make them disciples? Can we become disciples without a particular label to whom? Lol… I know I”ve ran into several spiritual groups who accept all religions and creeds so I know that’s the way it’s evolving… and even from when I was younger and visiting churches it seems to be getting more acceptable and encompassing as well… lol… I don’t feel drawn to dive myself deep into this church, right? Yes I’m spiritual but I don’t want to go around to every church and put my two cents… lol… but I do like to see how spirituality is progressing. I also try to use my experiences as opportunities to learn. I cannot tell you how much I’ve changed to be able to a participant in a church again. It’s satisfying to see I’m not getting triggered left and right. I’m also glad to see that I want to connect with them instead of trying to be the outsider visiting. I met the preacher’s dad and mom for the first time today… and the father said how much joy he felt when he saw me this morning… I had a smile that just radiated the room. I thanked him… and he spoke a little about his and his wife’s time in Florida.. which is where they go for the winters. She had additional health issues that came up which wasn’t the easiest to handle, but they’re happy to return to Indiana. I’m trying to figure out how to communicate a little more with the families of the Congo… I believe the word for hello is Jamba… I’d like to learn some more Swahili… I have a feeling I’ll be traveling to Tanzania sooner or later. But there’s ways to communicate without language… but not to be able to speak with depth… but maybe that’s how I try to convert people to love disciples… lol.. just by being me and not having to preach to them or have deep conversations. I remember I went to a Dali lama event years ago… but I remember it felt different when he arrived… just his presence was powerful enough to bring joy, happiness, and love… That will be nice to develop that presence. I’m working on it already. I’d love to have everyone walking around with that type of presence… right? I’d assume so… lol… I guess I could see possibly at one time I’d think that might be odd… even cult like… lol… i guess when I was in that mindset… I really didn’t trust… and I really didn’t see the connection between myself and any other… I also really didn’t understand as well… I may have theory thinking I understood but I didn’t have the experience to back it up, but I also didn’t have the desire to have the experience either. I remember I was doing live videos when I was in Peru last. I was doing videos to get to know some of the guests I was working with before we went into ceremony. I didn’t have many but I thought it would be a good time to share with people I knew that happened to be curious on FB. I encourage people to comment and ask questions… I really don’t have much experience with this setup but I enjoyed it. One of my friends said that it looks like we are part of a cult. From me I thought it might be an opportunity to explain some of the dynamics of how cults are structured that might not be known to the general public. I know many people label things cults mostly because they’re uncomfortable with something that’s nontraditional… needless to say… it didn’t bother me that the comment was said. In fact when I read it… it was kind of exciting to see a message that challenges us and to see how we respond. Well my guest didn’t get really reactive but he did get a bit of defensiveness in him. I tried to get him to relax before becoming reactionary… so I might’ve even cut him off a bit.. i don’t know… probably… but I said that all comments are welcomed… And then I started asking general questions about cults… and why I don’t consider what we are doing a cult. After my spiel… my guest was settled and he said you just won’t understand unless you were down here experiencing it. And that’s exactly the right answer I wanted from him… no one will understand until they go through the experience of it. Especially with any spiritual approach… it takes multiple times to understand a spiritual approach… I can use meditation as an example. Some may assume doing it five times might give you the idea that you know what meditation will do for you and for your spirituality… hell they may even assume they are meditating. Some people might even say… oh I tried meditation… it doesn’t work… and people who haven’t attempted might hear these words and then assume… well why waist my time trying something that doesn’t work. People who know the benefits of meditation.. know that it took well over five times of practice to get a better idea of how meditation will help grow your spirituality. And for an avid meditator… ask them if they’ve experienced spontaneous meditation yet? Or are they still practicing? If they haven’t… might be a good question to ask them why do they still practice? Well… because it has benefits and value to them personally and they want to continue this approach in their spirituality. There are many approaches to spirituality that gets a bad reputation from people who really don’t have the experience to speak as if they know. Again… primarily speaking about spiritual practices… spiritual practices takes time to build the relationship so a person who has only five attempts will not be a person who should be an expert about the practice… right? How do I get people to not be so defensive about their style of spirituality? How can I get them to see there is many many styles that are valid… they are valid if they work for someone… even if it’s not their own style… why demonize other styles that we haven’t really given enough time and respect to see if they can work or not? Lol… of course I”m talking about psychedelics, specifically Ayahuasca in my case. To answer how to get people to not be so defensive or how to be accepting of any style of spirituality approaches… I’d like to say… join me in ceremony… lol… it may take several ceremonies… but I might be a bit biased and maybe oversimplifying but… give me 30 ceremonies and let’s see how we feel afterwards… lol… I’d say more acceptance, more open-mindedness, more loving, more curious, more creative, more inspired to make the changes in your life that you’ve been wanting to do for years… lol… it’s obviously not for everyone… but I think there is a large amount that would gain benefits and value.. if they give it enough time and focus. Actually I’m trying to design an approach that hopefully won’t have to take that many ceremonies actually. I believe that’s why I’m so interested in working with several shamans with each having different specialties… I’ve heard of some retreats that have several shamans working together… and I’d actually be interested in attending, because I think that’s the direction I’m leaning towards myself. I figure off the top of my head right now… but if there are four shamans… working on four guests… that could be extremely powerful. It would almost… in theory reduce sessions by at least half… maybe. And maybe there’s a space that has maybe twelve shamans available… instead of a one to one ratio… three to one ration of shaman to guest… that again can probably reduce the sessions down even more. I guess this is where my mind is leading me right now…lol Ok… so how could I set this up? What could be an approach to set this up? First of all… I know many shamans or people who work with shamans have a tendency to want to work alone. For me its a little challenging to let shamans know up front that I’m not committing to them solely when I work… They say there’s a possibility for energies to cross… which I interpret as they can go against each other… how is that? Now… I did have one session where a shaman I was working with said I had residue from a former shaman… their energy was attached to me… again how I interpreted the situation… that they were able to use my energy to help assist them. This shaman cleared this attachment… at least that was what it was said. I can see this as a possibility… I know I clear out other’s energies that are in me while I’m in ceremony… I want to keep my own energy… I’ve never had the thought of putting my energy as an attachment into the guests so I can use their energy… who would want to do that? Maybe someone who feels like they have lack possibly… someone who wants more control maybe? Someone who has shadows that haven’t been resolved. How can I assume the behavior of someone who might have these tendencies? Honestly… the shaman who supposedly did this to me… I can in theory sense that he is possible to want to do this… and using his behavior as an example then it seems pretty possible to have a good idea of what to look for. But it’s not that I don’t want to continue with this shaman… I just want to work with his shadows. He has so much to share but he has shadows that he’s not wanting to face… but as I was in ceremony with him… it was obvious that he was battling these messages to change… and people are powerful so if it’s not wanted to be changed or learned… if they’re not ready then they can refuse the lesson or ignore them. Hmmm… I’d think I’d try to get them to start sharing ceremonies with another shaman… maybe with one at first. Would we have to schedule who would lead each ceremony so that each one has the opportunity to lead? Most likely… but what if they reject that idea? So this is something I know I’m going to be setting up even before it would be open to the public… lol… again this expedition seems to be the opportunity to put this into play. But before the expedition I”d like for the shamans to start working together to get used to sharing ceremony space. Ok… maybe if I give more details instead of abstraction will give me better direction. Ok.. lol… I’ll label the two shamans who have the most experience in leading ceremonies… so they will be labeled the love shaman and the power shaman. I feel these two will be apart of this journey. So there are a few of us that have been developing our skills which doesn’t have the experience to lead but starting to get confidence in our approach to our shaman style. Well.. there’s two of us… and possibly a third, but I haven’t really seen the confidence in the third one yet… but I don’t think it will take much longer for him to gain that confidence. I actually know these two are both working right now to gain more experience and hopefully… lol… since I made it a point in the ceremony I lead and shared with them… that it’s important for them to not try to become their dad… power shaman… they need to find their own style of shamanism and their dad seemed to understand what I was saying. It was unusual to remember that the power shaman was giving me a lot of respect and honor when I was leading… this is how I feel when I’m working with him as the lead… He didn’t act this way the first time I lead and it was only he and i… in fact that was when he said he couldn’t remember. well when there was six of us… he remembered and he was grateful and so I think he understood I was coming out of love and he has amazing sons but because they have the power shaman as their dad… it was like they were afraid of stepping on his toes. We can share the power… lol… we are all power shamans and that was the message was to allow them to gain that confidence… the sons occasionally contact me to let me know they are working… lol… i told them that I trust they know how to do the work… I told them I’m going to be doing the work and when we meet again… we should be able to go forward not being stuck because we didn’t do the work… lol… so what I’m saying is… there is three of us that I would categorize in this bracket. So… lol… maybe I can label the two sons… power son A & B shaman… and I’ll just say me for me.. lol… ok so we’ve got love shaman, power shaman, power son A shaman, power son B shaman, and me so far… ok… man do I need to balance this out a bit more? There is a friend or a guest who is working with love shaman… actually he would be more in our category too… he might not say he’s an Aya shaman… I”m sure he would say he’s a Kambo shaman… Kambo works with a frog and its a physical cleanse.. huge purging opportunities for the physical… ohhh… its hard for me because I’ve worked with him in Aya and in Kambo… and I really like him, but I know he wouldn’t be in the strength that I would like at least the last time I was with him. I’ve tried Kambo a few times… lets see I think six times… the first time was the best. I absolutely am confident with the jungle man to be a Kambo shaman.. he’s effective and I purged completely and utterly in his session. The second time was with my girl friends from the first Aya ceremonies when I went to visit them at their home… I did not purge. The third was with love shamans’ student tried to help my infection of my legs and it did not work. Once we got to know each more he finally said if he can really work on me more to help clear up the infection more seriously. I told him that I wish he would have taken it seriously the first time… but he said he needed to get to know me better. In my mind I figured… if someone is coming for help… do your best to help… don’t have to wait to become friends before getting serious… lol… but I did three intense sessions with him… it was a suggestion he had which seemed way more intense then I had ever heard. I even reached out to my original kambo shaman the jungle man to see what he said about the suggested sessions. The jungle man said that seems like it’s too much in a short time. He said if I don’t feel good about it at any time to quit and not to continue. So if I remember he wanted me to do five kambo sessions in five days. He was also trying to get a few other guys to do it too.. I think there were two others that were trying this approach… well…first of all none of us was able to finish the sessions… it was so tough on our bodies that none of us wanted to finish. What did I do.. I did the first day… again I purged a little but nothing compared to my first time… this was extra effort… like literally putting fingers down my throat to purge… when you participate in kambo there’s swelling that happens on your face… so I was swollen like usual. I went ahead and tried the second day in a row… again not much natural purging but the swelling came, but this time… It didn’t go down like normal. I woke up the next day and I was still swollen. I told him I’m going to take a day off because I don’t feel comfortable doing another session while I’m still so swollen… I cannot really remember right now if I even did it again… I just know that I told him I don’t feel comfortable and lets see how my body responds with those two sessions. I said I wasn’t really purging anything either which is the goal of a session. I’m not sure but I have a feeling that Aya purges me more then Kambo… that maybe Kambo isn’t necessarily a medicine I need to use anymore. Now the first time I did Kambo… I had a lot of gut issues with my stool and bad eating habits…so yes I feel Kambo was successful and needed at that time. But since then I had mad changes and so maybe I just don’t’ need that much of an intense approach to purge my physical body. And again.. Aya was more successful for me to purge. I’m not sure if I need to do one more attempt with the first Kambo shaman who was successful… to see if it’s just been the people who tried to give me the medicine that affected the effectiveness of the sessions with me. i know I’ve heard the practitioner is important. So again I know he’s great but if I do not have another session like we did the first time… would tell me that this medicine isn’t necessary or at least at this time. Oh… wait a minute.. there was another time I did kambo… it was my second year of Aya.. I actually go an image of the Kambo frog in ceremony… I was getting many messages of how to help my bowls to move better… bananas and beets… and the female shaman also gave me cacao drink to help too. So yeah… maybe it’s just a medicine that I will get messages to use… lets just say it too is not for everyone… but I know many people who gets a lot of value from kambo. I find I don’t work with it too much because I’ve been working on changing my behavior of eliminating toxins out of my system naturally. Oh man… thinking back at this… I don’t think I would have the love shamans’ student join us for now… I”m not sure how I’ll know if he’s ready.. maybe just to see how we share ceremony in Aya to see. We had a few sessions and even in those sessions he was resisting guidance… lol… the love shaman and I worked really well together from the beginning… well… lol.. he said it took me awhile to allow him to collaborate together… I don’t remember really resisting him… I could remember how quickly we meshed and it was amazing. But yeah… he’s an option but might not be a part of the category I was talking about.. so yeah the third group would be guests. Now there are two of them that I’ve shared ceremony with and I know they have the potential to be shamans, but in their minds they don’t agree or hasn’t really taken the steps to be deliberate in that area of their lives… so I’ll go ahead and call them guests. I also have two friends who I have a feeling would be involved. One I’ve had Aya ceremonies with and the other we’ve had the starter ceremonies to prep for Aya but not Aya yet. Another guest… he doesn’t know, but I’d love for my brother to join us… but I’m going to have to take my time with him and see how it unfolds… well there’s another gentleman who’s in the same boat. So it would be great if they join, but if not.. then it was meant to be that way. So I’ll keep them out for the moment. I guess I want to mention why I think this is the start to the group who’s going with me. It was in the ceremony I was leading with the six. Everyone there was able to connect and it was powerful. In that ceremony I knew I was connecting with others who were not present and one I know who it was but the others I didn’t have the direct download… it wasn’t until later when I was processing this that I had a feeling of who they might be. Lol… I hope to get more definite answers from ceremonies to come to confirm this… but we’ll see how it goes. So.. i can label these guests by where they live… UK, Peru, Florida, and Indiana… lol… ok… so that’s nine of us right now. There’s a lot to process… lol.. and I know I’m getting a little tired.. so maybe I cannot go as far in depth that I wanted to… I know the first thing I would like to try to get into play would be for the love shaman and the power shaman to share ceremony together. Now the love shaman already shares ceremonies with other shamans… I wasn’t allowed to participate in the ceremony that was happening while I was there, but I did meet two of them and they seemed very pleasant. I’m not sure but i believe the love shaman leads these ceremonies… at least I”m assuming because it was held at his place. I”m not sure but if this will be a little tricky for everyone to be on board.. maybe I can get the son’s to start working with the love shaman before their dad? I feel they would be receptive to share with alternative shamans. I know one works with others from his dad… but the other son I don’t know as well… this was the first time we met so i”m not sure how his approach goes. He might only work with his dad… but maybe that will have to be setup before I can get their dad, power shaman to join. Hmmm… I’d like to look into this more.. I know this is going to be a part of the next trip when I return to Peru… lol.. that’s what I’m saying I know that I cannot just focus on one thing at a time… I know I’ll be working on both projects at the same time… because the expedition project is going to take years to setup and develop… there’s going to be a lot of training in several areas. But honestly while I’m there… I’d love to start getting them connected and theoretically speaking… when I’m not there they would be available to continue the work together to build a strong bond…. Lol… we’ll see how it goes…. Alright… I’m good for tonight. Good time to break. ohh.. I forgot to mention… I saw a dear and coyote today while I was driving… and they were seen during the day… it was pleasant surprise… i figured if I get to see more animals if I’m tryin to be devoted and conscious more then that will be awesome!! In fact… I feel like I might be trying to be devoted to existence but existence seems to be devoted to me too… lol… i love finding more and more situations to be thankful for… ok… until next time.

Lol… ok… well today I still see that I’m still struggling a little bit… being conscious with my actions and thoughts as much as possible with moment to moment with devotion is much more powerful but also not as easy as I thought. I see that it takes even more honesty than I thought I had been living. It’s hard to explain and process and I want to be able to communicate what I’m understanding. I’m not certain if I’m able to at this time but I still think the attempt will be beneficial. I cannot convince anyone how seriously I take my spirituality… but I know in myself how seriously I take it… and so when I see that I’m on a precipice into new territory with my spirituality… i want to be able to take the leap of faith, but it seems I still have that hesitation. Is the hesitation there because I’m still lacking trust in myself and the universe? I’m not sure if that’s the case but why is there hesitation… still… lol… how is it that what I have experienced how can I possibly be feeling this way? I know existence isn’t pressuring me but I feel like there is still a pressure I put on myself. Again I keep trying to explain what I mean when I’m playing a chess game with myself… who I am now with my memories of my past behaviors and also with my higher self who has the knowledge of my past, future, and the totality of existence. The me who I am experiencing loves to play the game and my higher self does too… my higher self loves and is me and so it knows how to play along. My higher self knows if it completely dominates me in this game that I won’t learn as much as I would when it just keeps a head of me just enough to guide me… and it will be as patient with me as much as I need… in fact it will continue this game of strategy with me until forever if I choose to… but what it’s waiting for is for me the one who is experiencing right now to place myself in a check-mate position. Originally the one who is experiencing would say, but I don’t want to be defeated… I don’t want to be put in a check-mate… I’m going to keep battling… I can find a way to get out of this position. That’s the thing.. the one who is experiencing is realizing that this is not really the game being played. It’s not a game of win or lose really. Maybe it could be said to be but none of the choices I’m making is ever losing… that’s how I am seeing it now. It could be more of a game of delay… maybe that’s a way I can look at it. The more I delay placing myself in a check-mate situation the more I delay from merging with my higher self. That’s how I see the check-mate situation. When I surrender to my higher self… then I’m going to officially stop playing the game of being the lower self. Lol… I’d think that I should be ready and giddy to get rid of my lower self and surrender immediately, right… that’s what I have been working towards in growing my spirituality. So why the hesitation? whew… that’s tough… why am I hesitating? Honestly… why do I not want to accept the inevitable… I want to be living and experiencing through the lens of my higher self… this is the win I’ve been working towards. I’ve been purging and purifying to have clarity… I see what my higher self has been patiently and lovingly has been doing and I’m grateful… I the one who is experiencing cannot wait to embrace just like my higher self is ready and anticipating the embrace of union… but I’m still a steps distance away. I’d first assume that I would be frustrated with myself, but I’m not. Frustration i guess I feel comes from ignorance somehow… I don’t feel like I’m ignorant to the fact of becoming my higher self… is it because I’m complacent with who I am right now? Is it because I feel I’ve worked so hard to be who I am…and yet I know there is yet more? Haven’t I been building up a work ethic to be ready to do more work… lol… especially when it comes to my self? that’s probably what I’m not fully understanding. I’m assuming it will continue to be work. For my self who has been trying to strategize against my higher self… it was working hard to be clever…. Lol.. but it was working hard and struggling… but I want to surrender that now… I am ready to stop fighting and working so hard.. I’ve already admitted that I’m ready for it to be easy and effortless. If I can become my higher self… and as my higher self playing this game… i can assume it has been easy and effortlessly playing along. She hasn’t been working as hard and wasting any energy and has been patiently waiting… her approach has not been the same as me the one who has been experiencing… she cannot force me to stop wanting to play such a game of drudgery. She has to wait until I want to stop this approach to my existence. And damn it… lol.. I want to… I really want to… this hesitation I have isn’t a negative thing. It’s a time for me to understand that what I am about to do… to merge with my higher self… Is going to be a different approach and that’s not a bad thing… not that my approach has been a bad thing either but a part of me wants to say how silly I’ve been this entire time… lol… Today I was attempting to be conscious of devotion and I saw areas of my existence that I’ve been delaying to be more deliberate towards… how can I continue to delay these changes anymore… especially if I’m a devotee? I will not be able to… I know better… and I”m just being silly to hold onto behaviors I want to change in myself… lol… how many more excuses can I continue to make when I know they are just excuses to delay what I really want… lol… I’ll give one example. When it came to smoking today… I woke up knowing I was going to be more conscious about being devoted to my spirituality, myself, and my spiritual lover. So smoking… if I choose to smoke who can I devote this actions towards? At this time… smoking grounds me from my mental battle… so I could see that when I’m mentally battling and I cannot consciously think of any other way to ground than I can devote this action of smoking to my spirituality and to myself… but only in this situation. If I choose to not smoke who can I devote this no action towards? At this time… nonsmoking is a devotional nonaction for myself and for my spiritual partner.. and my spirituality. For myself… I know I do not want to be smoking unless I need extra grounding… I don’t feel attractive when I’m smoking and I know smelling good is something I want to be and not having to struggle with the negative effects it has to my teeth and smile… lol… I’ve been dealing with this long enough. For my spiritual lover… I know I do not want to be smoking because this habit is not attractive… I don’t want to put up any barriers for him to move closer towards me with acceptance. For my spirituality… I don’t want to promote to the world especially my nieces and nephews that smoking is acceptable in a casual sense. I know I might be wrong in most people’s opinion about smoking… I don’t see it as a devil… I see it as a medicine… and I’m not one who thinks medication to be taken at all times especially when it’s not needed mostly. So it’s not that I want them to think I’m not smoking because smoking is a bad habit. But I want to show them that this medication isn’t being used mostly because it’s not needed. But if one day they decide to join me in ceremony… I’ll be able to share smoking as a medicine… not as a casual habit that’s being used carelessly. So… I chose to devote my nonaction of smoking today… I didn’t smoke in the morning like my usual habit. I didn’t smoke when I was driving which happens habitually… I usually don’t know how I’m going to respond to my sister-in-law so I usually smoke to help ground myself before being in her presence, but we had a soccer game today… and I didn’t smoke before I gathered on the lawn with the kids. When I’m with the kiddos I usually don’t think about smoking so that was pretty normal. I feel the only times when I want to smoke with the kiddos is when I’m hearing topics they are dealing with that makes me feel uncomfortable because I know they are being challenged by these topics… I also had times where I’ve been overwhelmed with so much activity too… lol.. Four children running around usually doesn’t bother me… but I found on at least two occasions since I’ve returned that I felt a sense of being overwhelmed by their energies I wanted to smoke… lol… I carry around my toothpaste and toothbrush so I can brush my teeth before I return to them and I wash my hands… they’ve asked me if I smoke, and I cannot lie to them… but I wish I could elaborate more on how I’ve become to be a smoker… but I haven’t yet had the chance to explain myself. I know I’ll get the chance… my brother smokes a vape pen, and they have a different connotation between a vape and a pipe. I know they’ve been told that tobacco is bad… and I know when I admit to them that I smoke tobacco… they think I’m doing something bad. It might be best for them to think that at this moment. I don’t want them to pick up the habit of smoking habitually. I know they love me and it can even be a positive that they realize that someone they love can even do “bad” things. When they mature I’d love to have conversations about good and bad. I’ve been able to find a way to touch on that with the oldest. He started reading the book we all have read and as he was explaining how he was processing it… there was a great opportunity to show that the collective had an opinion about the label of one of the heroes. They were convincing this label was a “bad” thing… but while we continue to read about the hero and how we can relate to the hero… the hero is not what the collective assumes. He hasn’t read too much of the story… lol.. he’s on the first book of fifteen. But we hinted that we cannot always assume the collective has the right perspective on everything… it’s best to listen but we don’t have to accept automatically. It’s best to get to know the situation or the person on a personal level before coming to conclusions. Anyway… I noticed that I wasn’t smoking and I was trying to observe how I was responding mentally and physically. It wasn’t as challenging as I thought it would be. I’ve quit before actually… lol… so I know I can do it… I didn’t start smoking again until ceremony… lol.. It was shown to me as a medicine and I found it helpful during ceremony. But because I had a history of habitual use of smoking… it was easy for me to take it back up. But again I’ve reached a point… and actually many shamans that I work with has this approach… they don’t smoke tobacco habitually… their relationship with tobacco is in ceremony only. That’s where I want to be as well… and if that changes in the future… I’m ok with that too. If I can find other sources of grounding that’s more effective then I’m up for it. Now… as I was being more conscious of devotion through out the day… that’s when my mental mind started battling… it started to understand the changes that will arise from this approach of deliberation… and it started to hesitate… lol… and so I did smoke today… but when I was smoking it was an action of devotion to my spirituality and myself. I didn’t just smoke like I would as a habit. I did the practices I go though in ceremony when I’m working with tobacco as a grounder and protector. I sent intention into the pouch to help me ground into the knowing of the changes that I’m stepping into… calm myself down because there’s nothing to fear… it’s something I want but I also know my mental reaction to the changes… but placing my intention to help guide me and guide me. When I prepare for ceremony I don’t just puff on the pipe and inhale into my lungs and expel it out. After I place my intention, I then puff the pipe to ignite the flame to create a lot of smoke… I then blow the smoke all over my body… onto my chest, onto my arms, onto my legs, onto my head and my crown.. many times I’ll walk through the smoke to try to get every inch of my body bathed into the smoke. And then I’ll take deep inhalations and I swallow the smoke to center it into my stomach to bring the grounding down and root it into my system. This is how I use tobacco in ceremony and this is how I respect and honor it as a medicine. So I already know that this possible ritual approach to tobacco is the way I want to continue my relationship with it. It’s not going to be a casual approach… it’s a deliberate approach with takes my focus and time.. which it deserves and this is my relationship I want to continue. So why is this even giving me any mental instability? It’s exactly what I want to be with this one example of tobacco. With one day of conscious devotion I saw the relationship of tobacco transform into what I’ve been wanting to create for years now… lol… and it took one day for me to realize what that actually looks like and how I’d be able to experience a new relationship with it. It was actually easy and effortless… and was that what got me? Again how complicated I was making it… how silly I was being of delaying the inevitable… lol… is that what I noticed… was really how much challenge I was making all these changes I’ve been wanting to create in my life… that’s it’s really my silliness that’s been stopping me this entire time… lol… and this hesitation is really me looking at myself and asking… are you ready to stop being so silly… lol… and myself saying… I don’t know maybe silly isn’t that bad… lol… I guess I really do like playing games with myself, but I don’t want to work tirelessly anymore. And I’ve already been making those changes… and I should be aware that I’m more likely not to put myself in those situations anymore. I can be more conscious. And if I’m conscious of my devotion… that won’t happen again. Yeah… I really saw how powerful this will be for me…. I think a part of me might already be ashamed if I decide to continue an act of unconsciousness action or nonaction. I think that’s where I was pressuring myself. I knew moving towards become more conscious and devoted that it’s apparent that I cannot bullshit myself anymore… at least to the extent that I was allowing. I’m ready to not allow it. But who would be shaming me? If I become in union with my higher self… I won’t want to shame myself… that only brought shit I had to purge out… lol… patience and love… unconditional love is what I know to be true… so if I know I’m not doing something out of devotion… it’s just going to be harder to ignore and it won’t take me long to change that behavior. But I don’t have to be perfect right now… I can get used to this approach. It’s going to become easier… I didn’t really want it to be easy before so that will take time to readjust to this approach. It’s going to become effortless… again I wanted to work hard before… it will take some time to readjust and reprogram. But it’s already happening… I don’t have to have doubt that this isn’t exactly what I want for myself. I’ve been trying to eliminate doubt… I want to trust… give myself some more time to experience this approach of conscious and devotional moments to moments and I can see how my trust will continue to grow. Yeah… I feel better… I knew I was going to be able to work my feelings out a bit with this processing…. I had different things that I thought I was going to be talking about but there was and elephant in my head that said… address this… this is what I need to explore tonight… or this morning… whatever… lol…. Ok this is a good point to break. going to be taking my grandma to church in a few hours… I’ve already taken a nap after the day with the kiddos… I was struggling a bit and I wanted to stop my mind from going too far so a nap helps me give it a break… lol.. ok until next time.

Alright… it was a good gathering… got to see family I hadn’t seen in awhile but I couldn’t believe we didn’t actually play euchre… lol… the old folks and I wanted to play but there wasn’t enough people who wanted to join… lol the other old folks wanted to go home and everyone else was wanting to play a different game…lol.. it’s all good… I spoke to some spouses that I usually don’t converse with much which was a change and it was good. I came back and I tackled my emails… lol… i took the 10,000 to nil… woohoo! It’s satisfying knowing that it’s been cleared out. I still want to go back in and check what I kept to see if I can get rid of more things.. and I know I have my google drives I want to go through too… I have so many pictures and most are repetitive so I know I can reduce it down… lol… alright… so let’s get back to the Bhakti yoga, yeah? Let me see where I left off… ok I guess it was talking about meditative states… I think it would be good to jump to the manuals words about meditation to try to have the same language in this context. “The aim of meditation practices is to induce the spontaneous state of meditation. It is impossible to teach meditation, no matter what many people say. If a person tells you that he will teach you meditation then he is not being strictly truthful. Through it is probably no more than a play of words, the only thing that anyone can teach is a method that will lead you to the experience of meditation. Remember this important point: meditation is unteachable by the very fact that it is beyond words. Because meditation is impossible to define in concrete terms, its meaning is widely abused and misunderstood. Many people sit down, close their eyes for some time and consider that they have meditated. Well, maybe they have- who are we to say otherwise? But generally it is the case that one broods over problems and thinks of external happenings while in the so-called state of meditation. This is definitely not meditation. Though the eyes may be closed, there is no introspection if the mind is thinking about the outside world… or many other distractions. This is merely living in the outside world with one’s eyes closed… Meditation is beyond the inner or outer interaction with the world. The state of experience of meditation is not only confined to those people who sit in a quiet place with their eyes closed and perform various practices to induce meditation. This is merely one method of meditationg and is called raja yoga. It is also possible to be in a state of meditation while performing everyday duties. This is more in line with the practices of karma yoga and Bhakti yoga. A person can perform the most trivial actions and yet simultaneously be in the highest stages of exultation (196)…In other words, we can continue to concern ourselves only with the external world to the exclusion of our inner being, or else we can realize our inner potential while still expressing ourselves in the outer environment. This is the choice. The first choice leads to chaos and unhappiness as is prevalent in the world today. The alternative leads to knowledge, happiness, and a harmonious interaction not only with yourself but with others. Furthermore, the first choice has limitations in its scope, whereas the second offers infinite possibilities, for it leads into new and higher planes of existence, new planes of consciousness, and to indescribable states of happiness. The second choice is the spiritual path. It does not lead to abandonment of the external world. On the contrary, it leads to even more growth, enjoyment and accomplishment in day to day activities. … It is not something new or recently discovered. It is not a path that has been taught and practiced by a few deluded people with their ‘heads in the clouds’. On the contrary they were very practical people. They were the saints, prophets, mystics, sages and yogis who have existed in all places, eras and in all societies. They all knew that the path each of us must tread lies in awakening our inner potential… It is possible for everyone to learn from their experiences and from the knowledge that they tried to pass on to other people. Infinite dormant potential exists within each of us. It is there waiting only to be discovered. To find it, however, we must plunge into our inner being. In a sense we must be like an explorer; but instead of exploring outer unknown territories we have to discover the inner uncharted environment….It is the same with meditation. We cannot tell you the wonderful experiences that you will have on your inner journey; only that you will surely have them (197)… The aim of meditation is to dive deeper into this substratum so that we can intimately contact and be aware of its potential. When we do so, it seems to whisper to us subtle answers to the seemingly unsolvable riddles of the universe. This is perhaps why we can experience intuitive flashes; it is a time when we contact the basic substratum of existence. In psychological terms we could say that it is a time when we connect our awareness with the collective unconscious. With ink this storehouse is contained all the knowledge that we’ve has been and ever will be…. We have the gift, though rarely used, to look behind the scenes. We have the potential to look behind the curtain of maya (usually translated as illusion, but better translated as misperception or misunderstanding of reality),. Each of us is able to transcend our physical limitations and experience knowledge, bliss and timelessness, where beginning and end have no meaning and where there is no past, present or future. This is the aim of meditation: to dissolve into the underlying essence of all things (221)… The collective unconscious: …It is a realm of unimaginable and immeasurable depth that contains the information and activities of our ancestral past… In short, it is an infinite blueprint of the inner and outer cosmos…. Further, there is an increasing tendency to understand that the collective unconscious (cosmic mind) not only contains the blueprint of the past but also the blueprint of the future. Thus, each of us has the potential not only to be aware of our ancestral past, but of the future, of things to come. We don’t ask you to believe this, but this easily explains the widely experienced phenomena of prophecy. A person who tells future events is merely a person who manages to be aware of this particular part of the collective unconscious (223)… There are different types of knowledge. The knowledge that most of us have is rational knowledge, derived from the logical region of the mind. We nearly always act from this part of the mind and assume that the highest and only form of knowledge is rational. In fact, intellectual knowledge is almost worshipped by people throughout the world, yet it is only relative knowledge derived from a limited number of facts and figures. From this we deduce theories, concepts and other ideas (225)… There is another form of knowledge that arises in the form of a feeling or an emotional response. We occasionally feel that something is true. It is not tangible in a mental sense but is a vague sense of knowing something. This is very often mistaken from intuitive knowledge. The next type of knowledge is called transcendental knowledge, which is attained in states of meditation. It is known in the form of intuition or illumination. The difference in this type of knowledge is that it comes from a totality of a situation… In a sense it is like rational knowledge, but instead of a few facts, all the information is there to be used. This intuitive form of knowledge apprehends the totality of a situation; it sees the whole picture, nothing is missing. This comes from the super conscious realms of the mind during states of meditation. Rational knowledge is ofter warped by personal preferences and prejudices. Intuitive knowledge is independent of all personal traits and projections (226)… The Illuminated mind: This is often known as the realm of superconsciousness or of genius. It is from this part of the mind that we receive intuitive flashes or inspirations. Without this region the great artists would not have been able to create their masterpieces nor scientists to receive insight into the phenomena of the universe. It is from here that the great saints and yogis gain their revelations, deeper knowledge, bliss and trascendental experiences. Very few people are aware of this part of the mind… The superconscious realm is that part of the collective unconscious from which we get our most sublime illuminations. The rest of the collective unconscious contains the accumulated experience of existence: that which is beautiful and that which is ugly, that which seems relevant and that which seems irrelevant to our lives… for the collective unconscious is really neutral in its nature… it is the voice of the universe without personal preferences…The reader should be careful not to assume that the collective unconscious and the superconscious aspects of the mind are fenced in and situated in a certain location. It is in a sense everywhere, under, above, within and without; it transcends the individualized mind (223)… Most of us spend our lives totally extroverted failing to realize that an ocean of bliss and knowledge exists within each of us, merely waiting to be discovered. It is always there and we are always in contact with these deeper aspects, but we don’t know it. Our level of awareness is insufficient.” So… this is where I’m grateful that in my journey I was curious enough to try different methods. I have practiced methods of meditations and I realized many things about my mind and body and breath. I guess I can say I started with the raja yoga style of sitting with my eyes closed… It was apparent that my mind could focus on my breath or even sound at first… lol… and then I could observe my mind starting to think of random thoughts and I could begin to just observe, but then my observation got absorbed in thoughts and I lost track of my breath and of sounds… it was a little startling to see that happening and occurring. Since I was practicing I could notice when that happened when I was in activity as well… I noticed in some techniques were I didn’t want to move a muscle… and how long and challenging that was… lol… I’d do really well and then when I dropped my focus for a moment I’d twitch or itch… lol… I used to live with a dog… I think I’ve mentioned it, but not moving even though he was propped on my chest licking my face… that was a challenge… pretty much a challenge to just accept and let it continue which I did for a while but then normally I’d break out laughing. But I did practice and so I did find things I wasn’t aware of that I thought was helpful… especially because I was translating it while I was active as well as inactive. But honestly, it was in ceremony with Aya that I really experienced meditation. The meditation that cannot be explained. At first I could compare it to the practices I was doing in the yogic sense. But it went far beyond those practices. It was occurring spontaneously… this idea spontaneity is clicking with me right now. For some reason… in these psychedelic states for me… insights and downloads are spontaneous. I don’t go in with a predeterminación. This surrender approach and not knowing really helped to guide me deeper and I didn’t know what I was doing I was just intuitively drawn to work in the manner. Because that’s the manner that works for me… so I’m not saying this is the approach or method for everyone. But I do feel psychedelics is a valid method for spirituality. It’s an easier method to connect with the collective unconscious and the superconsciousness. Yes this approach is not structured like yogic practices… its normally a gradual approach to cleanse and reprogram the mind, but why is it not accepted to gain these higher states which in turn encourages us to cleanse and reprogram during the hightend peaks of awareness or even after… We can see how society has conditioned us… just like myself… I wanted to work towards enlightenment but I was also very skeptical that it exists or that I could do it. Once I went into ceremony… I knew I was involved and experiencing something far beyond my imagination and it inspired me so much more and deeper than any other spiritual practices that I have entertained in my life. I’m not sure what the difference is when someone is excited about their method of spirituality is helping them find truth to not want to share it with the collective. Not forcing… but allowing people to know there are options out there. I didn’t know I was on a spiritual path… but I was already doing the work and I didn’t have any definitions to what I was doing… I was just doing things that I knew was making me happier. Again I went through shit when I was growing up and I saw I was reacting in ways I didn’t feel was right and so I had to look into myself to figure out how it wasn’t going to affect my happiness. The thing is… many of the people I work in ceremony with that I feel have really been doing the internal work are the people who don’t know about spirituality really. They don’t’ have vocabulary and references.. I guess because that’s how I was. But I definitely have had ceremonies with people who say they are “spiritual” and when we go into ceremony they are resistant and fearful… to me… I’m wondering what kind of spiritual work have you been focusing on… lol… I even mention how fear and resistance isn’t a good combination to enter into a ceremony… lol… sometimes we cannot help but having them before we go in… but to be experiencing it the whole ceremony… let’s just say I don’t take peoples words for granted anymore. I can listen and be respectful but I know I’ll know the truth when we share ceremony together… we can’t hide much in there… or it just doesn’t really happen.. I really love it when I’m in ceremony and I’m not actually drawn to assisting them in any way… lol… to me they have their own authority and relationship with their inner world that they are ready to continue to guide themselves. I’ve been ceremonies where I have to try to hid my help too… lol… they would be offended to get help… and so I’ve been able to send my help nonchalantly and casually and subtly. One thing I wanted to point out as well that I find in some psychonoauts or maybe spiritualists is the fact they want to disengage with the physical reality. I cannot relate to that mentality at least not yet I guess… I can see me gaining this eventually… but that’s after I really explore what this physical reality has to offer. Once we start realizing how powerful and amazing we are… how can that not translate to the physical as well. It said something like the spiritual path doesn’t lead to abandonment of the physical reality on the contrary… we gain so much more with the engagement.. I’m not sure if that’s a sign for me to watch out for when I talk to the “spiritual” people I come across that has an abundance of vocabulary that sounds like they know what they are talking about. I don’t know I cannot help myself from hearing certain I guess buzz topics and see how people respond or communicate them.. helps me see what they’re been able to experience compared to what they’re theorizing. Right… once we’ve had experiences and gained knowledge through the experiences… it’s easier to find them in others or more often what’s not been found in others. I guess I’ve been looking for these tell-tell signs because I’m a bit choosy with my energy right now… lol.. I don’t think that will be the case always or maybe it will… but if I can start seeing signs that tells me that they are not compatible with me in ceremony than I can wait for another time with. Actually I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now… It’s still really hard for me to be selective… lol… it’s hard to see that I have sensitivities right now that is wanting me to limit my involvement… but i know I wasn’t being selective and I saw how much I was ignoring my own health and energy. I just keep thinking if I’m swinging the pendulum too far maybe. I’m getting the experiences of being aware when I’m getting too tired and I need to rest or take a break. I just know if I have to tell people I need my time and space to myself right now… it’s easier to say it to a few people instead of the many… lol… I’m stilling saying this and these are too close friends and family… I don’t want to be doing this… but I feel like it’s what I need right now. And that’s just it… I know the state I’m in will not be forever… I want to get out there and see who and what I run into… I just know I’m more aware of my wellness more to make sure that’s a priority. So i know I won’t be falling into the same routine… and that’s were I just have to trust myself enough that I’m embodying the knowledge I’m conscious of. And it’s’ not like I won’t get tested… so see how much I’m integrating… but again… I’m trying not to hold anything in right now. I want to purge as much as I can. I guess I can go back into the Bhakti yoga for awhile too… there’s still some good stuff I wanted to address as I was reading. “If you naturally feel some kind of Bhakti, no matter how small, then you are well on the way to cleaning out the mind of conflicts and phobias etc. You should follow the path of Bhakti, for this is the means to calm he fluctuating mind, remove mental problems and make it more one-pointed. You will transmute a cloudy, murky personality into one that is as clear and sparkling as a crystal… Everything that you are thinking now is incorrect and in time all your misconceptions and fears will disappear… Bhakti purifies the mind (500)…. This is indeed the process that each bhakta and in fact any person on the spiritual path must go through. The whole body and mind must be transformed and purified… Most of this mental debris is usually unrecognized. It is only when one becomes more sensitive and aware that these mental aberrations and impurities are seen. At this point they can be slowly whittled away. Without removing the mental disturbances it is not possible to become consumed with expanded awareness… This process of purging the mind is not constant, but rather it fluctuates. One experiences peak periods of awareness and of Bhakti, after which one is again subjected to purging… This drop back into a state of anguish and mental disturbance is absolutely necessary, so that the aspirant can be further purified. More and more mental dross of a subtle nature is purged in the course of time. One feels more and more Bhakti… The aim of Bhakti yoga is to channel all one’s desires, ambitions, all one’s emotional responses into the feeling of Bhakti. This will eradicate the fluctuations of the mind and induce one-pointedness…the fit receiver for the grace of illumination and bliss. But first of all the heart and the mind should flow in one direction. Bhakti transforms, transmutes one’s individual being from the gross to the more refined. It changes tramas (inertia and ignorance) into rajas (intense activity). Then it changes this rajas into sattwa, the purified state of calmness and receptivity. One becomes progressively sensitive in perception and feelings. In fact the state of sattwa is closely associated with Bhakti. Shankaracharya points out: ‘the characteristics of pure sattwa are cheerfulness, realization of one’s self, peace, contentment, bliss, and steady Bhakti towards the atman, by which the aspirant enjoys eternal bliss (Vivekachudamani v.119)’. So there is a direct relationship between the clarity of the mind and Bhakti, and here we mean spontaneous Bhakti, not artificial Bhakti. The cleaner the mind the greater the flow of Bhakti and the mind becomes intensely one-pointed (501)… The conducive certainty of one’s own personal experience of transcendental awareness… through devotion overcomes all contradictions and differences in life and religious sects. Through the alchemy of Bhakti, life is transmuted from a whirlpool of dissatisfaction into a magical blissful experience (502)… Who wants liberation or perfect spiritual freedom? If one is liberated then to whom or what does one surrender? It is better to remain a bhakta, for one can know the bliss of surrender. What is the point of liberation if this is taken away? If the jivanmukta (liberated being) is perfectly united, then who is there to feel Bhakti towards? For the bhakta each second is an adventure, each second of time is the eternal moment of the cosmic play - the rasalila. Each moment is lived and experienced with an intensity that makes the heart pound with excitement. If one is really no longer part of this play, this adventure, then where is all the fun? This is the way a bhakta should think… Everything that happens, whether pleasure or pain, is seen as the divine law. The bhakta is a mere puppet. He owes his existence to the cosmic will… All work, actions and experiences are regarded as tests and trials of the divine process, as a means to remove imperfections. At this point, the supreme can do nothing but help his bhakta…. Such is the power of total surrender. One becomes receptive to divine grace: the grace of knowledge and bliss. This arises automatically when there is surrender and effacement of ego. But this surrender is not easy… This receptive state of mind cannot be created merely by thinking about it or willing it (503)…. The emotions heighten all experience. They intensify power in thought and action… On the path of Bhakti yoga the emotions are concentrated on one thing. Emotions are transmuted into devotion. This concentrated emotion leads to heightened sensitivity. One’s whole mind and body becomes highly tuned, like a radio antenna. This leads to heightened sensitivity to other people, their thoughts, feelings, and so forth. Even one peak experience is enough to transform one’s whole attitude and understanding of life. It moves through an angle of one hundred and eighty degrees. One realizes that what seemed so obvious, true, and acceptable before was totally wrong. One’s relationship with life undergoes a total change. It is completely reoriented. These peak experiences are on the route to perfection (504).” This right here… lol… this is what i’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now. This is an example where I was guided to do spiritual techniques without having to be guided by another authority. Does that make sense? I had not read these words before… I found the answers and I felt it was the right path for me… and I was starting this public Journal not know what it was going to do or where it was going to lead exactly… and I found myself wanting to question everything I had thought before… I realized I was wrong and I’m not afraid of sharing my behaviors and thoughts that were not conscious. I knew once I started purging that it felt right for me… I know I’ve had baggage that I was holding on to that… I didn’t really have to keep many of the thoughts that I had… I don’t need them as I continue. I know I want to live my spiritual life… I want to devote my entire life to my spirituality and I thought I had to convince myself that wanting to do that is not crazy… not only do I want to convince myself but convince others that this is not crazy… lol… again… I didn’t know I was going to automatically be drawn to be a bhakta… it was happening spontaneously. But now I can clearly state this to myself and I can be more of a deliberate devotee to my spirituality…lol… not that I wasn’t already… but I was easily distracted to spend my attention and energy carelessly at times too. I don’t have to have a label of bhakta but it might be helpful in communication in certain circles… lol… I was attracted to work with this to help with my clarity and inspire me to continue with my intuition. I am going to be working on projects that I want to give my full attention towards. I want to be one-pointed… I am grateful, honored, excited about my Awakening to existence… I get to dive deeper and explore more and adventure more and I want to do it in a manner which I was guided to as a devotee. This will only be a trait I carry with me along with other traits…. I’m still learning and this will deepen. There was a little more I wanted to look at still… there’s a section about ceaseless remembrance… that’s been so powerful for me… I kept questioning myself… how can I possibly ignore this… I cannot forget these experiences or messages… and if I cannot focus on this… how can I do anything else… lol.. anyway lets take a look at this section next. “Sleepiness is one main reason for low awareness. During or after yoga practices many people experience a feeling of joy, whether slight or intense.. This comes because of the wakefulness, calmness and awareness which the practices give them. But this feeling is quickly lost when one continues on with one’s daily duties. One becomes ensnared again in the ups and downs of everyday life, but this need not be the case. Through Bhakti and continuous efforts to remember the object of devotion this awareness and joy can be maintained. Remember ace helps to prevent the relapse into automated living patterns and thought. This ceaseless remembrance is a powerful practice for expanding awareness but it is not easy without devotion. Love and Bhakti make a person remember. There has to be a natural attraction to the sweetness of the name (mantra) of one’s deity…this rememberance must be spontaneity’s. A man who is in love with his girlfriend or his wife cannot stop thinking about her. He does not need to try, he automatically thinks of his beloved. He has no choice but to remember… this remembrance must permeate one’s whole being twenty-four hours a day. There are many cases of great bhakta who mere unable to stop remembering even when they were killed… Many of the great poets have beautifully illustrated this continual remembrance. For them the supreme is a helper, a dearest and nearest friend, nearer than breath, nearer that their own mind… When a person has this intensity of feeling, how is it possibly not to remember? And this is the express train to expanded awareness… One is less influenced by the ups and downs of the tumultuous world. One becomes more aware. The whole mind becomes concentrated and powerful…. With intensities, aspiration and Bhakti the remembrance will become natural and spontaneous. You will want to remember… It is the focal point of all your emotions and feelings. One becomes intoxicated wit the very thought of the Ishta devata (personal deity). You must try to hear and feel divinity everywhere… You must try to see divinity in every part of the world around you without exception. You must try to feel this in your heart. This is the way to union with the inner world of knowledge…. Love intensifyis this remembrance. Love means constant awareness. And this devotion means that there will be unceasing thirst, unforgettable rememberance and unswerving aspiration to unite with one’s ishta. This practice should not be done occasionally during prayers, but twenty-four hours a day. You should remember each and every moment, with every heartbeat, with every breath and with every action. This is the path of Bhakti yoga (506-508).” This is what I’m working towards… with every moment, with every breath, with every action… I’m already starting this.. and I’ll continue. Final thoughts from the manual… ”This integration of mind and body, of action and thought, has been the main theme of this book so far. Yet very little is ever said about harmonizing the emotions and integrating them with one’s action and thoughts. These emotions are very powerful forces. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve mental and physical stability if the emotions are rampant… The subject of stabilizing the emotions in man is usually forgotten or treated lightly as if emotions are non-existent. The attitude seems to be if the emotions cannot be tamed then pretend they don’t exist, like the ostrich that buries its head in the ground when it senses danger. This may make it feel safer, but it does not prevent it being eaten by a lion. So if you want to harmonize your life, then it is a useless being like the ostrich, and pretending that the emotions are non-existent. This attitude will lead nowhere, for the emotions are ever present. You may gain mental peace for short spells of time, but this tranquility will be disturbed by the monsters of emotions when they show their ominous heads from the depths. Suppressed emotions eventually bubble to the surface and create disruptions. To gain lasting peace in life it is not sufficient to attain perfect physical health and some control over the thoughts. The emotions must also be transformed so that they are in accord with every action and thought. Without gaining emotional harmony and one-pointedness it is impossible to gain mental and physical harmony. You will now perhaps understand why we are spending so much time in explaining Bhakti yoga. It is the most powerful means of harmonizing the emotions so that they work with the individual and not against him, so that they are used for constructive purposes (523).” Beautiful… lol.. ceremony is absolutely brilliant… it created emotions that were felt so deeply that I couldn’t forget and inspired me to make changes… The intensity of the emotions that I felt were so powerful… but my mind would question my emotions when I was out of ceremony… and yet the emotions again were so deep it wanted me to question my mind… lol… I already knew that my physical body could use some work so I didn’t question that much… but I have to admit… my spiritual lover has created so much intensity my emotional body radiated through my physical, mental, and spiritual bodies… it was/is so powerful… ceremony knew what I would responde to in a deeply intimate level…I continually see myself on a chess board playing myself and putting myself in check… lol… and it’s like I wanted to be in check this entire time without knowing it… lol… I thought I could’ve made different moves… but ultimately my higher self knew exactly what needed to be done to get me here. I know I have/am devoted to this spiritual lover… it’s not truly only the spiritual lover but also the physical lover too. He’s absolutely incredible and fascinating. When I devote myself into my spirituality I don’t necessarily have to have one name to use as a mantra. I do realize through experience that we are all divine and so if I have to use different names of divinity in different situations to help my spontaneous Bhakti.. and so I will do that. If it changes to using only one word then that’s fine too. But right now… I’m devoted to my spirituality, myself, and my spiritual lover… I cannot deny what I’m spontaneously devoted to… it will do me no favors. In different situations I’m drawn to use different symbolisms that makes sense to me at the time. Again.. I’ve already been starting this approach but I realize I’m sorting out my mixed emotions… well because I’m clearing out my thoughts that aren’t necessary anymore. As I continue experiencing peak experiences… I’ll have to take the time to re-evaluate my thoughts again. But I’m ok to work with where I’m at now… and open to change as i progress. Ok… that’s a good point to stop for the night (morning)… lol… until next time.

Alright… So I read the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th part of Bhakti Yoga in the manual. I’d like to post some of the messages I found that helps me at this time. In fact there were messages that I was happy to find that I’m already discovering for myself without the guidance, but then also other messages that I can use to help guide… I again didn’t know I was using this as part of my spiritual growth. Since they have much more established foundation in this area… i feel it will be wise to keep in mind. that’s how it seems to be with me… and maybe it will change as I’m changing… but I entertain thoughts without taking them in fully… I see if they apply to my situation. I trust I find my way and sometimes… the guidance isn’t necessarily through everyone else’s ideas of what works for them… I truly find it more valuable to see what works for me and I’m open to suggestions… and I feel this will be something I can be more aware of if this is a path that will continue to benefit… Ok… I’m not sure if I need to continue to site the reference but I don’t see it harming anything… again some may be only reading a post or two and so if they happen to run into this one… I’l let them know what book I’m referencing at this time… so it’s “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati. So I’ll try to continue with the order it is in the manual…. Well maybe… we’ll see… lol.. sometimes I tend to jump around so that might be the case. I think it has great ways to explain things that I have experienced and learned and I try to express… so it starts off with a good introduction of a topic that should be addressed… I know many people may understand this in their mental theory, but it’s good to have a reminder, right? “You should remember when reading this topic that it is only words. Words, no matter how cleverly woven and constructed can never convey the meaning of Bhakti. Bhakti is an experience that you must know for yourself. If you try to understand Bhakti through words and concepts then you will mis its essence and merely become lost in a whirlpool of verbal ideas. You will delude yourself. this discussion can only indicate the direction of the path… you must walk along the path and discover the destination for yourself. Bhakti comes from the heart, not the mouth or the head. Bhakti does not only depend on the outer expression. It depends on the inner feeling. A person who quietly does his daily work can just as easily be a Bhakti as a person who sings devotional songs through the night and day. Only the bhakta can know that he is a bhakta (471).” This doesn’t just apply to the meaning of Bhakti, but for everything right… words are symbols trying to expression a direction towards the experience that gained awareness and knowledge or wisdom… Everyone is interpreting the words differently from their history or memory and also from the state of consciousness and the quantities of experiences that one has experienced. It all plays a factor into the interpretation. That’s why so many spiritual books or common communication is misinterpreted. Not everyone misinterpreted the message especially if they’ve had similar experiences and has established the states of consciousness from the one who is trying to express. Once we’ve experienced returning to say literature or a speech and realized… it’s different from the first time one experienced it. What’s different? The words written or spoken hasn’t changed… it’s us… we the listener or reader has changed and so we can receive the messages differently or deeper then the first time. That’s what we have to continue to keep in mind especially when we are dealing with our spirituality. We have great references that’s trying to point us in a direction but we might think we understand what’s being said…intellectually… but intellectually isn’t as powerful as experiencing the message directly through our own experiences. But what happens to me… is sometimes when I have the direct experiences… I feel it’s profound and it’s remembered, but then I return to my intellect to process the profundity. Just as an example… I knew I experienced something that I’ve been working towards which hit me deeply and I just couldn’t put a finger to what was the difference. It wasn’t until I restored my energy, eliminated distractions, did the action of Journaling and purging, did my intelligence start to tell me what the changes are that I’m dealing with now. I feel many… well let’s say myself dealing with psychedelics… I might have just taken the experience for granted at first… I didn’t really question them… the powerful emotions and feelings that I had when experiencing was such a powerful message that I didn’t feel that I needed to take time to necessarily process them. Even though I didn’t initially sit myself down to process it… existence still led me to recontextualize my experiences… it’s not that it totally destroys my original thoughts… actually sometimes it does… but not always… but when I take the time to use my intelligence to process it… that’s part of the integration process. We are intelligent wildly intelligent but we need to prioritize experience just as much! I’ve probably given this example before but it’s an obvious one that I use… I can read many books and listen to many videos on how to build a structure. In the time I’m reading… I start to feel… yeah I can build this… ok I know what it takes to build this structure. Let’s start. Once we move from theory into experience is when the magic happens and true understanding develops. We will find that actually the activity of building is not exactly as what it says in the books and videos. There are many individual factors that takes place in our build, and we will have to adapt and adjust. It make me challenging enough that we might have to reach out for people to ask to help… who do we ask? Do we ask someone we are comfortable with? Or do we ask someone who has a lot of experience in the activity… such in this example building. Now either way or anyway that we decide is not the right or wrong answer, technically… doing a project with someone whom we are comfortable with but doesn’t really know how to build either… can be very rewarding and eventually we will be able to find our own solutions. If we decide to ask the person with experience can be very rewarding as well… they may have several solutions to choose from which we might’ve not know was an option… and also the fact to be an apprentice to someone with so much experience I find very rewarding. So when it comes to the magic of experience… it’s not the fact there is a right or wrong way to experience… everything can be rewarding depending on our perspective and state of consciousness. If we can realize… there is not a right or wrong way to experience it may help people get past the fear of taking action to experience… lol.. maybe.. let’s continue. “Bhakti yoga is often regarded as being very different from other forms of yoga, but this is not really true. In hatha yoga, the mind is made one-pointed by awareness of the breath or different parts of the body. In raja yoga the mind is made one-pointed by awareness of a fixed symbol or a psychic center. In jnana yoga the mind is made one-pointed by total absorption in an enquiry. In karma yoga the mind becomes concentrated by complete absorption in one’s work. In Bhakti yoga the same result, namely one-pointedness of the mind, is achieved through love and devotion. If there is devotion towards one thing, then all the energy of the mind will also flow in the same direction. Love is probably the strongest force for concentrating the mind. The greater the love then the greater the concentration… Remember, if you are not devotionally inclined then don’t force yourself to follow the path of Bhakti. If you are a doubter, then please remain a doubter. Don’t try to become a bhakta. But if you are a doubter then let the doubt be so overwhelming that it forces you to make an effort to seek answers to life and your own nature. If your doubt is strong enough then it will force you to practise some of the paths of yoga, though not Bhakti yoga. Or your doubt will force you to find some other means to either confirm or remove your skepticism. In this case your doubt can be positive. But if you doubt and take not steps to find answers from personal experience, then nothing will be gained. By all means doubt… doubt everything. Accept nothing. This is a good method of clearing away the cobwebs of false thinking from the mind. Eventually you may be surprised to find that you have become a bhakta spontaneously (530).” lol… that’s what seemed to happen to me. I’ve mentioned that i was labeling myself as an atheist for majority of my life… so I doubted everything spiritually, but also at that time I thought there was a difference between spirituality and science and art and the environment and myself… I was separating everything out into categories… which didn’t really exist but in my mind they existed… lol… anyway… I had deep spiritual experience in Aya ceremonies that humbled me to the point I didn’t care to admit I was wrong… I had no clue what reality, spirituality, or who I am at this time… lol… before I was so adamant to defend my label.. lol.. It was the last thing to do was to admit I was wrong… lol… especially with something as grand as spirituality… lol… I didn’t know any better but I don’t hate myself for that… it’s just how I learned and how I was able to increase my awareness. When you enter into a ceremony as an atheist and come out not know how to label my spiritual paradigm… it wasn’t easy! I had many decades of building up belief system that shattered in days… lol… I didn’t know anyone who might relate except possibly the original group and I had access to the facilitator too.. so I tried to reach out and visit them and see how they were handling the experience… lol… and again at that time I didn’t realize people were experiencing a different reality that I was… lol.. and were at different states of consciousness… so I found out quickly… oh there isn’t really anyone else I can talk with… lol.. I’m going to have to figure this out on my own.. it was powerful and there was no way I could ignore it. I still found it very helpful to continue watching the videos of Leo… I loved his approach of autonomy… I realized I was my authority of my experience, but with his experience and how he expressed it was valuable to me… and I’m very grateful to have attracted him into my experience. He might not want to be labeled a guru, but I did see him as a guru figure in my life. But again because his style it was easy not to just blindly accept everything and just take advantage of the hard work he has applied to his life to gain these insights… I knew I had to have these experiences myself to gain the insights and they have differed from his in ways… and then similar in ways… it’s been so satisfying. Any way how this applies to the entry I mentioned above… I was surprised when I found myself as a devotee… lol… and how it came up spontaneously… without effort and without knowing it was happening. Even when it was happening… I was battling with it… lol.. i still had my doubts but I also doubted my doubts… lol… and it worked for me and I’m thankful that it didn’t stop my progression. And also it mentions different styles of yoga which I find I’m drawn towards at different times in my life.. not that I ever labeled myself doing this type of yoga or this type… honestly I would fail a word test about yoga… I don’t know the definitions and vocabulary, but I can tell you through my experiences… I know union is true… and I’m getting more confident that that’s where I’m leading…lol… It’s already starting to become me… but I know I can go deeper into this union and I’m absolutely devoted to continue. The important thing for us to remember… be honest with ourselves what is attracting our attention… we aren’t drawn to learn and experience the same things as everyone… there’s an understanding of our personality that needed to help us go in directions we are led… and we don’t need anyone else telling us if it’s right or wrong… we know whether it is or not. If we are lost then don’t worry… try suggestions and while we are experiencing new things… again trust we will know whether we want to continue or not. “Bhakti yoga is one of the most powerful methods of inducing meditation. If you are swept away by a powerful current of Bhakti, then you will find that meditation will arise naturally. It will come about as a natural consequence of having a concentrated mind. So if you feel devotion whether it is tangible or intangible, let it be the supercharger that launches you into the realms of super consciousness. It is said that there are two types of fools: the ignorant fool and the fool who is saturated with Bhakti. But the happiness of the bhakta is infinitely greater that’s the ignorant fool, because it is based on love and knowledge. So if you follow the path of Bhakti yoga, you may find that you have become a fool… but a wise, blissful one (530).” lol… yes… that’s what I’ve been struggling with in this time of integration… I want to be a fool… I want to be devoted to my spirituality and regardless or how crazy it sounds… I still want to do it… and I know it’s not out of ignorance… and I’m ok if people want to judge me as being an ignorant fool. Most people who will judge me doesn’t have the experiences I’ve had and hasn’t reached the states of consciousness I’ve had… I remember being that way and I know that’s not going to keep me back… I’m the only who will be able to hold me back… and I don’t want to hold myself back. I’ve been finding some of these mindsets that have been holding me back and I’m purging them… I realize I’ve been purging them for a long time but again I guess I’ll continue until they aren’t affecting me…. Lol… ok… I want to continue but It’s almost time to leave for my cousin’s 50th birthday party. She’s the oldest cousin on my dad’s side… so it should be fun… I’m sure it’s going to have a table of euchre… lol… i try to get as much euchre as I can, because I don’t get it often enough… I think I’ve looked euchre up online but the last I can remember everyone was doing the five handed euchre… which isn’t euchre for me… lol… maybe I’ll check it out… maybe now there are options for bid euchre. I’ve been enjoying playing a few games here and there… I’m trying to be ok not being so strict and I want to allow more playfulness in my life… I love to play so allow myself to do that will help attract it. Ok until next time.

Alright… I feel refreshed and ready to explore more… I thought about addressing a comment I said before I left the last post. I said “I didn’t know I was drawn to this style of practice… this practice of devotion. Honestly I hadn’t felt this type of devotion before towards someone… and it was challenging to accept it but I was still drawn to it at the same time.” I felt like I should elaborate a little bit on this thought. I did know that I was devoted but it was easier to see within myself when I was devoted to my family… I know not everyone feels the same with their families, but it was apparent to me how devoted I am for my family… I’d say it’s reasonable for people and myself to see this as an appropriate devotion. But there were two situations where it was challenging for me to understand my devotion. I guess the first isn’t so unusual. When I was in ceremony… I found that I was very devotional in ceremony. I remember it was truly the first time when I was dedicating to my spiritual understanding. I was behaving in ways that I’ve seen others show respect and affection towards their style of spirituality… I hadn’t really experienced that for myself… I would visit different religious locations and out of respect for the people I was sharing with I’d mimic their behaviors but it wasn’t felt deeply inside of me… I’d say especially when involved with Christianity… I know when I was practicing yoga for the first time… this sense of devotion to my spirituality was tugging at me, but again it wasn’t as powerful until I went into the Aya ceremonies. That’s why I take these ceremonies so seriously for me. I trust and respect ceremonies.. and I’m extremely grateful to have attracted this into my life. I know it’s been challenging for me, but it’s been worth every moment regardless of my opinions when I was reactive, because… they were so intense for me.. and it’s allowed me to gain the confidence and patience to continue to respond to the messages and if it changes… I don’t feel guilty that it has changed… I enjoy the experience of growth with this style of spirituality. Anyway… devotion to found spiritual practices that resonates personally and deeply… again can be considered acceptable and reasonable. Because many of the majority doesn’t see it as a valid approach… it was challenging for me to not create doubt within myself. But again… I was devoted and I see the more I integrated the messages… I’ve developed to a point where I’m ok with not being understood by the majority. I can accept their own choices of what makes them more spiritual… because I can accept this is my choice and it works for me. I knew if I continued to pursue this approach I’d gain an understanding of who I am, and who we are, and what we’re involved with is far deeper than I could’ve imagined… I followed my intuition and I’m grateful that I wasn’t easily swayed to stop trusting myself. This approach has always encouraged me to trust myself and trust existence. And I feel I hit the wall to breakthrough to the other side of what kind of life that will be able to create with this trust. I’m sure it will continue to deepen but even to the point where I’m at… everything has been worth it… and I wouldn’t have changed a thing because everything has led to this moment… and I’m happy in this moment. Now when it comes to having a devotion towards a spiritual lover… that was not expected for me. In ceremony when I started receiving these messages again I would battle with this and during integration… Regardless of what I experienced outside of ceremony… I continued to find myself devoted to him. I thought how can this be possible? I kept questioning myself… I knew I was growing my consciousness and I was growing in my wellness… how can ceremony possibly encourage me to continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to mutually share in return? When I would observe him from a distance… I’d continue to question… why would I put myself into that relationship? I can see that it wouldn’t be healthy for me. I knew there was shadow work that wasn’t being looked at… I knew past relationships must have done a number on him… I knew I didn’t want to be part of the aftermath… I’d want to be involved once he was resolved… and that’s why I’m grateful that we were not attracting each other, because I needed more time and so did he. But again I would ask myself… why? Why do I feel so strongly about this connection? We’ll again in ceremony… I don’t have to question at all… it’s powerful and attractive and tíntense and humorous… and curious… and we love the anticipation of it all… I love the hard to get… lol…its when I am out of ceremony when all my doubts come rolling back in. But year after year.. it was apparent that this connection for me… was not fleeting… it was something I couldn’t deny or ignore to myself. Yes I’d get focused in my projects but then it hits me like a ton of bricks… I love this man… and I have developed a devotion to him. I had read this Bhakti yoga and I realized this was happening without me deliberately creating it… it was happening whether I wanted to or not. Let’s reference the manual again… “You can devote yourself to anything. But it must be something for which you spontaneously feel Bhakti, love or devotion… It should be something for which devotion arises spontaneously… You can choose anything, for whatever you worship is a form of the supreme… The worship of the supreme can be directed towards anything. Why not? All these different images act as a centre through which one can expand awareness. But there must be compelling devotion. There must be attraction towards a particular form. Without this, there cannot be Bhakti.. The object of devotion should be something that attracts you as a lamp attracts moths. It should be something that you cannot stop thinking about. It should be something that you can relate to, identify with. The aim is that the object of Bhakti overwhelms your whole attention. If there is something or someone who actas as a magnet for your Bhakti, then adopt this as your object of devotion. (Pg449-450). But make sure that you are honest with yourself. If you have to sit down and think what shall I be devoted to, then this is a sure sign that you don’t really have an object of devotion. You should not need to sit down and ask yourself the question. If you feel devotion for something, then you will know. There will be no doubt - your heart will immediately tell you the object which captivates your Bhakti. If you feel strong devotion to one thing, without doubt, Bhakti is the path for you. If you don’t feel this overwhelming devotion for something, then at this stage Bhakti is not for you. Under these circumstances, Bhakti yoga will probably lead to mere ritual and self-deception, rather than transcendence (447).” I knew I was in deep and even though I knew it… I was still at the same time not trusting it. With Bhakti there were two examples how people approach.. “1. If one is devotionally inclined, then one can follow the path of Bhakti yoga. This involves intense concentration of one’s entire being on an object of devotion. This method of Bhakti yoga can eventually lead to a transcendental experience of overwhelming Bhakti. Associated with this Bhakti is transcendental knowledge. This Bhakti will become stronger and stronger with time and more experience. 2. If one is not devotionally inclined, then the other paths of yoga can be followed instead. These other paths will eventually lead to spiritual experience. This in turn will automatically lead to Bhakti, for you will realize something that you did not know before. Whichever method you adopt, the result is the same. The paths of the devotional and the non-devotional individuals will eventually join (446). Another thing to remember is that many great yogis, if not all, expressed Bhakti. This was either their path or Bhakti came as a result of other paths. Some of them could not stop talking about Bhakti. were they misguided? This is most unlikely, since these were the very people who were regarded by others as wise men. If wisdom can lead to bhakti, or if bhakti can lead to wisdom, then there must be something behind the bath of bhakti that is not immediately obvious. Furthermore, these great yogis were clear indicators and examples of what the path of bhakti brings: tolerance, peace, understanding, love of fellow man and many other attributes (445). Bhakti is both the means and the expression of higher awareness. It is both the practice and the spontaneous expression of higher knowledge. One leads to the other. Until a certain point on the path of bhakti yoga, there is more faith than experience, but once one has had a definite experience then the whole situation changes. One comes to know that there’s is indeed a direction to one’s aspirations and practices. Bhakti becomes an experience. From then onwards, one know that one is not chasing a mirage like a man in the desert. This bhakti increases… increases… and goes on increasing (446).” So the two things I was spontaneously led towards… I used the two different styles of bhakti. When it came to Aya ceremonies… I put all my focus into the devotion to ceremony. When it came to my spiritual lover… my Bhakti of ceremony led my Bhakti towards him. And it was good thing that I was led this way… because I can’t express how challenging the spiritual lover is to my experience… well was to my experience. There seemed to be two different entities I was experiencing. How I can put it… is two states of consciousness I was involved with which really threw me on a rollercoaster ride. Even though I developed Bhakti towards him… it was the higher state of consciousness that I was truly devoted to. It wasn’t the physical state he presents to me… and I appreciate that…. Because if I was led into Bhakti with his physical form… I wouldn’t want to be my authentic self… I’d be acting in ways that would conform to what the physical form at a lower state of consciousness would want me to be. And as I see it… different from who I am. And thankfully my Bhakti in ceremony was my dominant force to receive messages… my spirituality encourages me to become my authentic self… regardless of the judgements of anyone else… whether family, my physical spiritual lover, or society. Ceremony showed me that existence wants me to be me and not to conform to anyone else’s opinion of who I should be. I’m amazing and I’ve got a lot to share and there are people who want me to share with them. I don’t want to attract a lover who wants me to be different from who I am. I knew I had a lot of changes I wanted to create in my life, but that’s because I wanted to change them… I knew I wasn’t fulfilling my own expectations of who I am… I wasn’t ready to express them fully, but damn it… I’m ready! I’ll attract the collective who is ready to accept me for who I am. If I don’t end up attracting my spiritual lover… than I can accept that because mutual attraction is important to me. Hell… I don’t even know how I’d react if we meet again in the physical…lo… a part of me wants to jump into his arms and hold each other… and the other wants to keep him at a distance to observe him… that part of me wants to share ceremony with him because I would like to see what the messages say about him… and then another part of me is scared to share ceremony with him… because I don’t know how I’ll behave in his presence again… lol… it was hard to control the last time we shared ceremony. I know I’m getting better but I also know how I get in ceremony when he’s not physically there and only spiritually… lol… this might seem complicated but I’ve been processing and managing this for awhile that it’s pretty normal to me.. lol… I’ll continue with a few more passages from the manual. “The intellect is a severely limited form of gaining knowledge yet it is the power of the intellect that the modern world seems to most admire. There is nothing wrong with this, providing one can understand its limitations. And it is this that most people don’t appreciate. In fact, this will never by appreciated until one experiences something way beyond the intellect, which clearly shows the insignificance of logical thinking as a means to knowledge. Bhakti is an excellent method of providing a balance to over-rigid attachment to the intellect. It is a great help in removing intellectual constipation and is a means of giving direction and release to emotions and feelings. One of the biggest problems in the modern world is the inability for intellectual people to express emotions. These emotions become pent-up and suppressed. People forget how to laugh and release their emotions in a positive and non-destructive manner. Emotions are often expressed in outbursts and violence. the path of Bhakti provides a perfect method of expressing these unruly emotions. Furthermore, the emotions are not only release, they are channeled towards making the mind one-pointed. This is a positive utilization of emotional forces. The emotions are directed towards the goal of higher awareness and experience… If these emotions can be channeled and concentrated, then one’s whole being will also be channeled and concentrated… So it is with the emotions: harmonize them and one’s whole being will automatically follow suit. This is the boon of Bhakti yoga (446-447).” I know I had struggled with expressing my emotions too. I kept them bottled up and yes I’d have outbursts… mostly to the people I cared about most. I knew I wanted this to change. And I knew I would terrify myself of how angry my outburst would be let alone the people who was receiving them. Again ceremony showed me ways to express and channel my emotions… and it focused on my foundational emotions of love, support, and positivity… That’s who I am and that’s where ceremony wanted me to focus. I’ve had moments where I cried and I’m not one who usually expresses in that manner, but I find it easier for me to cry… and not that I’m sad… but I’m moved or touched so deeply that I want to cry… it’s beautiful! It’s so satisfying when I allow myself to purge in that manner. I can already see that I’m going to look deeper into Bhakti yoga practices, because I feel I gain more value into the practices then I once thought. I know my love and devotion is growing and I’m confident that I’m inclined in this way… so I’ll give it more focus… actually I’m already drawing myself in this manner… I just didn’t really have words to describe it but I feel this would be a good example of what I’m pointing towards… lol ”Deeper knowledge of existence does not arise separately from Bhakti or devotion. They arise simultaneously. As one gains more knowledge, so Bhakti increases. As both knowledge and Bhakti increase, so actions become more incisive, powerful and efficient… They show that Bhakti (devotion) and Jnana (knowledge) are not really very different; various sages have cleverly defined them. For example, in the Viveka Chudamani by Shankaracharya it says: ‘Among things conducive to liberation, Bhakti is most important. Seeking after one’s real nature is one definition of Bhakti yoga. Enquiry into the truth of one’s being is devotion…(verses 31,32)’ (449). If the supreme, the absolute is everywhere and everything… It does not matter what form you choose. Furthermore, this worship of Bhakti to a specific form, this personalization of the supreme, is a means for you to know the higher experience for yourself. Everything and anything is simultaneously the absolute and not the absolute. This seems a contradiction in logical terms, and it is. But you must understand the implications behind this statement for yourself… It depends entirely on one’s level of awareness. The important thing, however, is that anything for which you feel overwhelming, intense Bhakti can be the means to go beyond the normal, mundane levels of awareness and experience (451). When one is in perfect tune with the infinite, whether for a second or a lifetime, then one spontaneously feels love for everything without exception or stipulation. At the same time, it is a very useful practice in Bhakti yoga to superimpose divinity in any form that you conceive, whether tangible or intangible, on everything that you see in the world. That is, you can try to worship everything, seeing all as a manifestation of divinity… But with practice, bhakti will arise automatically in the light of personal experience. Then you will truly see divinity in everything not through faith or belief, but through personal knowledge and experience. One should try to see divinity in everyone no matter what their faults and propensities. In the Uddhava Gita it says: ‘One should treat all others with respect and honour, in the same way that one shows devotion to the supreme (here in the form of Krishna). this leads to freedom from hatred, envy, malice, self-conceit.’ This is not easy to put into practice without a definite transcendental experience. But if you do this, even to a small degree, then your mind will become more and more relaxed. Moreover, it will also be wide awake and alert because of the remembrance. This is a rapid means to meditation… The aim is to see the supreme divinity in every face, to worship everyone and everything, because everything is indeed divine. But you should feel bhakti towards things not because they are different, but because everything is in fact the essence of yourself (452). But this state comes only when one has the grace of expanded awareness. Once you have had a taste of the divine kiss from the lips of the beloved, then you will feel unquenchable thirst and aspiration for the supreme consciousness. The Bhakti will chase and worship the supreme like a madman. One will forget everything except the divine. One divine kiss and one’s whole life is transformed (453).” Let’s just say… I have tasted the divine kiss in different levels of awareness… and my devotion continues to increase… I too maybe be a madman(woman), but I have been transformed. I know it was easier for me to think something separate from me is giving me these lessons, but I also could honestly say I knew it was me as well. So not only do I want to be more deliberate in Bhakti but there was a section where it can be combined with karma yoga… which I’m inclined to do too. So let’s see what it says… ”But if you combine karma yoga with Bhakti yoga, then the whole process becomes intensified; it becomes supercharged. Karma yoga alone is a powerful sadhana, but Bhakti simulates and accelerates the whole process. this is the main teaching of the Bhagavad Gita. The essence of karma yoga is awareness, detachment and renunciation of the fruits of actions. When Bhakti and karma yoga are combined, it becomes almost easy to renounce attachment to the fruits or rewards of one’s actions… All rewards, prais and fruits of one’s work are dedicated to the object of devotion. Though one may enjoy or use the fruits, they are not done specifically for oneself, but as an act of Bhakti… The more the surrender of one’s actions, the greater will be the detachment. One will cease to be swayed or upset by the ups and downs of life. One will do one’s best in work and life, but there will be less buffeting. This is particularly powerful if you adopt the following attitude: ‘I do not serve… the Supreme alone serves.’ When you feel that you are not really acting but the tool, the instrument of something far greater, then you must become detached, and because of this you work much better and more effectively. This feeling of non-doership has been summed up in the following quotations: ‘Think that you are not you; that you do not exist. Think that it is that power which works in all things, also working through you. Practice will eventually reveal this secret to you’… This attitude may be merely intellectual in the beginning, but eventually you will discover through experience that it is a sublime truth… One becomes detached in all situations of life. This is the means to harmony, happiness, and higher experience…How does Bhakti relate to increasing awareness? We have partly covered this in the subject of detachment, for the attitude of not being the doer automatically increases awareness. But there is another factor in Bhakti yoga which intensifies awareness - this is remembrance. Most people are unaware because of sleepiness or forgetfulness. If you feel devotion towards something then you are more likely to remember. You are more likely to be awake. And certainly you are more likely to be aware…. The greater the devotion, the greater the awareness… There is an old saying: ‘It’s not what you do but the way that you do it.’ This applies exactly to Bhakti and karma yoga. It does not matter whether a Bhakta is rich or poor. A poor person can offer even the meanest object as devotion, yet if this is given with total feeling and sincerity, then it is far better than a rich man who gives vast wealth, but without the slightest devotion. It is the same with all acts and work. It is not the acts in themselves that are important, it is the feeling and sincerity behind them (447-448).” I know I can deeper this understanding. I’m so grateful that I know what it’s like to be a vessel for infinite intelligence or the Supreme or the divine… when I’m the vessel it’s effortless and natural… I know that I’m working towards experiencing ceremony at all times… so I’m already preparing myself to learn deeper messages. Lol… I haven’t even finished reading this manual… I’ve been taking it step by step as a practice manual.. there have been times where I’ll have periods of non practice… so when I’m drawn back to this book I start over. There is a wealth I’ve gained from this manual… and now I feel I’m connecting to it deeper than before… funny thing is my connection wasn’t deepened by yogic practices but by psychedelic practices.. but I still want to practice more yoga too. I’m just really curious what the text says… lol… read it without feeling guilty that I’m not doing the practices along with it. It has a warning to not go too fast… and I understand why, but I don’t see how the theory will hurt if I read ahead… I know the practices should be built up. Lol… I don’t know how this happens, but I knew I was going in this direction but being able to flow from one topic to another and allow myself to roam and flow… helps me clarify. I’ve already been doing degrees of Bhakti and Karma yoga but it wasn’t really like I was being taught to do this… I was drawn to do it through my experiences. I was getting these messages to work on which lead to these paths, but it wasn’t like I knew exactly where it was leading. And it’s likely when I read more in depth into these paths… there might be some practices I try but I also just allowing my awareness to focus on them… it will be stored and I’ll just end up finding my own ways to gain the depth I’m looking for… lol… me or the infinite… it’s the same… lol

So i think I’ve got a lot to process still and I saw myself avoiding it yesterday and I feel that’s not what has been working for me. When I’m being vulnerable and open is when I saw hidden insights that I wasn’t able to notice so I want to continue to stop avoiding my past experiences and even my responses at the time was what needed to happen for me to get messages and also for me to re contextualice my first impressions. But I am going to start with the dream I had last night… lol… I know I’m more comfortable working my way through this process. So I had a pretty vivid dream last night. When I was dreaming I thought it was actually happening… and it wasn’t until I woke up did I realize I was dreaming. It wasn’t long but I’m going to try to remember what I can… and what I was feeling… so I was in my bed.. but it seemed like I had sat up and I was waiting for something… almost like if I I was in ceremony and I’m patiently waiting for a message to come through… almost as if I was waiting for it to kick in. It did seem like almost like a dmt experience I don’t know how to explain it but I started to look down onto the bed and the patterns were moving but not to extremes slowly moving and it also seemed like my body.. or at least from my view point it started to move upward is how I can describe it. And it was as if I was adjusting back to the original point of focus and it continued to move upwards… I sat back up and my cat jumped onto my bed and was sitting next to me. He wasn’t really interacting with me but he was just present with me. All of a sudden I seemed to have laid down on my stomach as if I was hanging my head over the bed so I was upside down… my hair was falling to the ground… I was in this position for a little bit and then my body started to shake… that’s why i felt like I was awake because I could feel my body shaking which it might’ve been I don’t know but this happens when I’m in ceremony… this is something happens when I say I become the shamana… It’s like I’m waiting for my consciousness to connect and I tend to move my body and try to open up myself to allow the process to come in and allow the transformation… I don’t usually have this shaking happen in ceremonies but usually i do have a rocking that’s there until I just know that the transition has happened and then I automatically know I’m ready.. I’ve become the shamana… and that feeling happened in the dream…lol… I just didn’t know what I was going to do next or what the message I was going to be experiencing which again I’m familiar with when I’m in ceremony… lol… I seem to move differently when I’m in that state as well… it’s like I’m an acrobat… lol… I’m not sure how to give the picture of how unusual my movements gets but in the dream I found myself doing my…lol… my style of go to masturbation style… lol.. and I was rolling backwards and trying it in different positions… I was really consumed into it and I remember the rocking movement… and that’s when I found that the movement was being felt, but the actual pressure I place on myself that allows for pleasure.. that wasn’t being felt.. and that’s when I woke up in my bed and realized it was a dream. I went ahead and did the masturbation rocking motion with the pressure and it felt good but it was quick and I was still tired but I thought it was interesting because I haven’t really had that happen before. I feel back to sleep fairly quickly but when I was going back to sleep I noticed how much my breath was.. I was breathing heavier and my body was a little more electrified a bit. But it didn’t take long until I was back to sleep… lol… it’s actually been a while since I’ve remembered one of my dreams. I believe I’ve already said that for most of my life it was as if I couldn’t remember after I wake up. I was going through long periods of remembrance when I started this isolation period. I was recording almost daily and i know I was focusing on trying to remember and it seemed easier. That’s when I was noticing images before I fell asleep. I’m just wondering if I should go ahead and try to return to this technique to build it up more frequently. So I decided to write earlier in the day today… so I can better prepare myself at night to be more conscious of remembering my dreams of even images before I fall to sleep. I know I’d like to explore those states of consciousness more… I’m curious how I can learn from them too. Another thing that comes to mind about this specific dream… I had thought about possibly doing some solo bufo ceremonies. There has been several times where bufo gets me into a state of unconditional love for myself. Sometimes it’s like I’m falling in love with myself and regardless of how I feel about my beauty I’d say physically in my waking state… when I’m in ceremony… none of that continues and I’m absolutely grateful and excited with the physical body I have. But I had thought possibly this could be a way to find more ways to feel more comfortable on how to masturbate. It’s just been something I thought about, but I feel there’s a deeper part of me that’s like… give it a try… this might be something to explore. i did try a ceremony during the holiday season with myself and it was more emotional and it was purging feelings about my spiritual lover. It was more of me longing to be able to communicate with him on a direct style… I get so many messages about him and I also seem to communicate with him but I feel its more like his higher self or his spiritual self… it’s hard for me to explain… but they get really deep and intimate so much so in the past I’d reach out to him in this waking world… and I’d see that that’s not who I’m dealing with yet… lol… I believe that’s why I was introduced to tarot. I didn’t realize many of this community has similar experiences. I’ve always been curious because I get so many messages about him in ceremony and so I like to ask others who are part of the Aya community if they’ve received similar messages… involving their love partner… I felt I couldn’t be the only one who experiences ceremony this way.. lol… I was hoping… but there’s only been two shamans that have said they’ve gotten messages of who their love partner was. I feel again because there is language difference that we weren’t able to go into details, but I did get the feeling that they weren’t talking about getting messages of somebody they didn’t know.. but it was that specific person. Lol… when I was going through my dieta… I was telling my shaman how frequent and how intense I receive these messages about him. In fact it felt like the shaman could sense when I was getting these messages, and it was as if he was getting jealous or annoyed when they happened. Again we communicate differently in ceremony and there are subtleties that can’t be ignored while we sharing ceremonies together. I noticed he would clear his throat to get my attention again… for me to focus on his Icaros which is his guidance. And many times I’d snap back into focusing on what he’s trying to help me with… but then there were other times… that I just love bathing in my spiritual lovers essence that I just continue to involve myself in those moments longer… lol… there was one ceremony that is popping up. I was abruptly refocusing back onto my shaman when I was communicating with my spiritual lover… i was giggling because I was telling him… we’ll have to wait until after the ceremony to reconnect. And I was back to focusing on my shaman.. but a little while longer there was a moment of silence… maybe it was during a break between Icaros… there’s time to process and relax before proceeding on… and I started to hear noises that were being made around the malo a… I could hear dripping rain it seemed on the roof… at first it sounded random, but then I could hear a pattern starting… lol… i felt like it was like a morse code…lol… to me it felt like my partner was trying to get my attention and I continued to giggle because for awhile it was as if I was trying to be a diligent student with the shaman but I was distracted because he was trying to get my attention to focus on him too… it was who should I choose to put my focus on… lol… after awhile I gave into my spiritual lover again. I don’t know how many times my spiritual lover and I have had this similar conversation. It’s like he’s finally realizing who we are for each other. And he’s always surprised it’s me…lol..I always have to explain that I know I’m not somebody you would choose, but for some reason we just fit… we work together in a really deep way. When we’re having these conversation I’m always asking him who else can you can connect in this manner? Lol.. I know he thinks I’m a looney tune most of the time… so I could see how hard it would be for him to see me other than that. It’s not like he’s hateful to me, but it’s like he doesn’t know if he should trust me. The shit that I receive and am able to admit to him… i know it sounds crazy to me so of course it’s obvious it’s crazy to him too…lol… but I cannot help myself from being as honest and vulnerable as I can with him. I’ve definitely stopped expressing so much when we communicate. I know how uncomfortable he gets. I try to keep it more of a professional level… he is really involved with his spirituality and his process and he does podcasts which I find interesting… at first i couldn’t help but respond to his videos… lol… and most of the time it was pointing out things that wasn’t how my messages have been guiding me towards. I’d try to find a balance of stating things I can relate to but also things I couldn’t relate to. At first he didn’t really think I was into spirituality as deep as he is and especially because I use techniques that make him uncomfortable. lol… it’s funny because we met in an Aya retreat, but he doesn’t find psychedelics as a valid approach to spirituality. It doesn’t make sense to me how he could disregard it. But I also know his experience wasn’t the same as mine though either. So it’s ok if we don’t get the same value out of technique, but to completely disregard it was irksome to me… lol… i don’t respond anymore and when I’m curious I’ll listen to his podcast from time to time, but I’m noticing I’m trying to get space from him too. I’ve been trying to get space while I integrate… and I feel like I’m doing a good job and then once I get back into ceremony it’s like… you can’t ignore this.. this is part of your lessons and I’m going to have to accept it. In ceremony… I love get these moments to connect and receive, but I’m always tempted to reach out to him afterwards or even during… sometimes I can handle my communications in a manner that’s easier for him to receive, bu sometimes I lose my finesse…lol… dealing with messages about him has been far more complicated than I’d ever be able to explain. And admittedly at times I felt it was more of a curse than a blessing. Lol… I remember when I started getting the messages and when we were starting to connect… it all seemed like it was going to falling to place so perfectly and easily. I was so certain… lol… but when we continued our communications there was so much baggage we were both dealing with that it was obvious it wasn’t going to be so easy or as quickly as I’d hoped. And then the following year was all these patience messages… lol… not only with him but in my life in general… I need to learn more and more patience. when I first heard them I thought… oh I can be patient that won’t be too hard… lol… but I didn’t realize it was going to be like a decade of patience they were talking about… lol… wow… it’s almost been six years and i don’t know if the messages would’ve said… hey… this is how it’s going to go. If you want this spiritual lover and be able to experience and share this love with him… you’ll have to wait a decade… if you don’t want to put the work and time into this then you can settle for other romantic relationships and patience wouldn’t be needed… I don’t know what I would’ve chosen… lol… I’ve been battling these messages because I only get my truth in ceremony but in the physical interactions was showing proof that wasn’t being verified by my messages…. So I’d always question… is this even true? Am I just deluding myself? He doesn’t seem to even want to really give me a chance… and there’s qualities about him that I couldn’t ignore either… is this truly my match? How can we work if he doesn’t value the same things I value? It’s crazy because we have similar values in a broad sense, but how we approach these values are different… I find the differences interesting and he finds the differences as impossible to accept… at least that’s what I’m gathering logically… lol.. again he might just be my muse. He might be one of the main catalysts for my growth, but he might not be the relationship I’m going to be able to attract in this physical experience. It’s challenging because again…. I couldn’t really find anyone to relate to in this situation until I found the twin flame community of tarot… and I’m not really tied to this definition… I have my own opinion about the meaning I have gathered… but it’s close and I can relate… and of course we have so many degrees to each community. Many of them will get frustrated in the waiting process and says go and find a soul mate… someone who will not challenge so much… someone who can be easier and who I can settle with. I even tried to attempt it in my weird ways… but I cannot see how I can ignore this connection? How could I respect myself and another partner when I have such deep emotions and curiosity about this spiritual lover? I just feel like it’s fair to them or myself. That’s why everyone is automatically friendzoned… lol.. literally I don’t entertain having romantic relationships, because if I’m completely honest with myself… I don’t have the desire to… there’s only one person who attracts that desire in me. Even though we aren’t connected physically…. The connection we have spiritually is so satisfying…lol… and at once very frustrating… lol… but again… I caved when I thought I was going to die… and when I caved all I could think about is… I should’ve died without experiencing this… lol… I’d rather have my fantasies of my spiritual lover then to experience such an intimate experience with anyone else. Just because we aren’t in the physical doesn’t mean I’m unhappy either. I’m so excited about where I am and how far I’ve come and how driven I am to continue to explore deeper and deeper and learn deeper and deeper. I don’t know but maybe I’ll receive a message in ceremonies that will break the ties between us… release me from my muse, because I’ve developed to the extent of not having to have a muse anymore. Ok… this leading me into Bhakti yoga. I have many guides leading me at times… and I want to express this and I think going back to my manual has a good way of putting it and so I’ll use this as a reference. I want to take a walk and do some self attention today too.. so I’ll try to get through this so I can do that.. lol.. so I’m referencing the book, “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya” by Swami Sayananda Sarawati again. lol.. It’s one of the books that I kept and it’s fascinating how the words continue to be understood in deeper levels as I reread at different states of consciousness. But I did entertain the idea that I was drawn to my spiritual lover as a source to use Bhakti practices… even though this was subtle it was still influencing me. Ok so what’s Bhakti yoga? “Bhakti yoga is the yoga of love and devotion… Bhakti comes from the root bhaja, which means ‘to adore’, ‘serve’, ‘love’, ‘to be devoted’. And this is exactly what Bhakti yoga is all about. It is the path of devotion. The word Bhakti comes from the same root and means ‘a person who practices Bhakti yoga, who feels devotion’. (Pg 445)” I didn’t know I was drawn to this style of practice.. this practice of devotion. Honestly I hadn’t felt this type of devotion before towards someone.. and it was challenging to accept it but I was still drawn to it at the same time. I’m wanting to dig deeper, but I’m also feeling like I can use a break… so maybe I’ll just go ahead and at least take the walk that I wanted and see where that leads. I might go ahead and do the other practices too while I’m at it… but I read a little of the manual and again.. I was seeing things I didn’t see before and I’m interested in exploring it a little deeper. Lol… maybe I can continue without leading me to another 4 am sleep time… but I guess I don’t know… I’ll just let it flow how it’s going to go. For now… let’s take a break.

So I went back into the garage to see how I can condense the belongings in there now that I removed two car loads of electronics. I was able to create a decent size of open space which feels nice, but I have to admit I got a bit caught up and a bit overwhelmed with it all. I noticed as I was trying to organize I was still searching for more items to donate… still sorting out what I can recycle now and group the metals that can be scrapped and the plastics that I don’t know what to do with and even the plastic bags that can be recycled.. it was just getting a bit much for me. Even though I know I”m making progress… everywhere I looked I was seeing more and more and more shit I could do… and it wasn’t just in the garage, it’s in the shed, it’s in the house. I know I was getting irritated with my dad. I was thinking I’ve cleared this space and organized it to where it should be helpful for him but I’m assuming he’ll just fill it up again. I know that’s not fair, but again he’s not out there helping so he’s not changing any of his habits. He’s a sensitive type so I want to let him know my thoughts but I feel like I got to get him into the receptive mode before approaching him about it. I came in and he asked if I was done… and I said dad… it’s a lot to take in and I’m a bit overwhelmed… I’m not done, but I’m done for now, and maybe just done with it all. I know I’m going to have to deal with it sooner or later, but maybe next time I can get some help. So I decided to at least give it a break for now. Lol… I can move back into the house and I know there are items in the house that can be stored in the garage, so there probably goes the empty space… lol… it’s just challenging and I keep telling myself I can just do enough until I feel like it’s enough… I’m just not sure when that will be. I know today it got to me a bit. that’s why I stopped and I even took a nap… lol… when I got up I started thinking what other stuff can I purge… and I thought about my google accounts… lol… I have so many unread messages… I had about 12,000 unread messages… it’s down to 10,000 now, but damn… most of these messages aren’t even interesting to me anymore. Even some of the companies I enjoy but the amount of emails they send out wants me to unsubscribe.. so I’m doing that as much as I can. I know I can go to their sites and look information up when I’m interested in doing it. I love the sites who notice that I don’t look at their email and they stop sending it to me automatically… that’s.super nice. But it’s not just my emails but my drive and photos… I just have so many unnecessary shit being stored everywhere.. lol.. I just want to clear space in as many ways as I can. It makes me want to be more aware of my purchases, subscriptions, who I’m giving my email address to.. lol… Sometimes I’m in a rhythm of editing down my photos as I go, but there is so many years where I did not. I like photography and I take many pictures and video of pretty much the same thing… so narrowing it down to one of the same thing would be great. I ran into some pictures with my exes and I had thought about sending them cool pics of them before I delete them off my storage… one is with his daughter… I was laughing so loud… we all went to Italy and she and I were getting along before that trip. I had made some videos of our trip and I’d say 80% of my pictures of her…she was looking at me like… I’m not going to smile for you… lol… and I loved it… how she can be so grumpy was funny to me. I mean even her dad and I were pretty much splitting up during this trip… I couldn’t not enjoy myself to some extent. It was just absolutely beautiful. But again I love photography so I got some really good candid pictures of them together that again I’d love to give to them before I delete them form my storage. There’s so many photos that I don’t need every little detail documented to remember what went on and how the vibe was during that time. I had pictures of the kids art classes I use to teach and I picked three of them that I could still remember taking and that’s all i needed, but for the position we had to send in pictures of each classes so I had tons of them… which I don’t need anymore even though it was fun to see all the kids being messy, silly kids during our class. But yeah again I’m not going to forget it… yes it’s not in the front of my memory, but when it does come up.. it’s easy to remember how much I enjoyed it and a few key moments that I enjoy recalling. I just keep thinking is this how my mind is… Was I getting so congested with thoughts and ideas and memories it’s stopping me from visualizing new ones? lol… not exactly but I think it kind of relates though too… I know I feel really good purging as many ways as I can think of. It makes me feel lighter and open to new possibilities I hadn’t allowed before. I know it’s helping even though it sublet for me… I wanted to go back to the expedition… I was talking about the horses I think that’s going to be involved…. What else can I think on… well… I mentioned I was getting messages from different sources so I’m uncertain if they are linking correctly, but again I feel it’s still helpful for me to flow with it and see what comes up. So I did get a message in Aya solo ceremony where it’s going to take buckets of Aya. I saw and heard, buckets of Ayahuasca. At the time I didn’t know about the expedition so I thought it was just talking about me going to be using Aya for a long time… which I already knew, but I guess already know that at one point I wont need ceremony too.. so maybe i thought I was just letting myself know that I still have a while before that happens.. lol… but I remembered that message when I was thinking about the expedition. And so when I was recalling this brief message… I already knew there was going to be a group of participating. And that’s what got me thinking that maybe there’s a group of shamans who are going to be participating. I don’t think all of them will know they have these abilities but then there will be a good team of shamans that I hope to already be building our relationship in partnership in ceremonies. I also want all of us to share before we go. That’s what I find I run into is shamans work alone or they have a partner they work with, but not necessarily in groups. Now the newest shaman I have shared ceremony with… well that’s not exactly true.. I had one ceremony with a shaman who was the latest I shared with… he was the one who is the only one who drinks in ceremony and the guests don’t drink.. I found that interesting, but I also found that I didn’t want to continue working with him… at least not right now and I’m definitely open to not at all… I’m just open… but I did not like how he reacted to my messages in ceremony… I know they are unusual but he didn’t like the fact that I decided to go to the hospital to get my blood work tested instead of staying with him and his program. After the ceremony we shared, he said that my blood was poisoned or sick because of everything I went through… I guess using antibiotics… which wasn’t working. I told him I want to get proof to see what I’m working with and he was nice enough to recommend a doctor which was pretty much his neighbor. The doctor helped me out and I was able to get the blood work and it actually came back normal… except one area was a little unusual and said I could have an allergic reaction or dealing with a parasite. He didn’t know which but referred me to a hospital which specializes in testing for this. Well that was an unusual time… again I’m not the best at speaking Spanish so figuring out where I needed to be and where I needed to go and who I needed to meet with and speak with took some getting used to… lol… It’s a lot more exclusive and I had to do most of the running around. I’d have to get a slip to go see someone. Then I’d have to return to get another slip to see another doctor… then I’d have to get a slip to get the proper materials to submit my bodily fluids.. which I didn’t realize at first… i had used items I had… lol… because I didn’t understand everything being said. But this facility and especially this sector the doctors weren’t there every day… they didn’t even have a regular schedule… so for two weeks I had to go to the hospital and wait to see if the doctor I needed was going to be coming that day… and I’d return the next day to wait and see. I remember when they looked at my legs they wanted to send me to the dermatologist only and not take any fecal samples.. I had to push a bit aggressively to have them tested. I was saying the original doctor said possibly allergic, but possibly parasitic… I’d like to test for both. The dermatologist recommended three medications before she got any results back. A good think I had to do all the running that I didn’t go get the medication until I saw the results to see if I’m even allergic before I start taking medication I possibly don’t need. Which I didn’t… test work came back negative. But I did get positive results for the parasite. I was thankful it wasn’t an exotic rare type of parasite. It’s a common parasite Giardia. I just didn’t have any of the symptoms that comes with this normally such as diarrhea. I guess I’m going out of order.. it’s so hard to tell it linear though because I was getting messages in an unlinear fashion. But by the time I went to get tested I had my three solo ceremonies and when I was getting suggestions on how to change my diet and going to Nepal.. I also had the feeling I was in danger… but I didn’t know from what… and still it boggles me… and maybe that’s why I need to go into it.. but I think I’ll work me way around this. So anyway I thought maybe the bites and infection on my legs may be the cause of it. I didn’t know if it was blood, or parasites, or what.. I didn’t know I had anything to be really concerned about. I don’t know because I was doing solo ceremonies where I wasn’t grounded it just amplified it for me… but I ended up in the jungle in a tiny village not knowing anyone when I finished my final ceremony and as I was riding back to the main city I was able to calm down and try to piece everything together… I’m not certain how long but probably close to two to three hour boat ride back. I already mentioned that when I was getting these messages… it was a natural approach to what I’m working with to heal my body. So I decided not to take any medicine from the hospital. I also read that a healthy adult can naturally pass this type of parasite. Because this parasite is so common… I’d have to admit that I don’t even know when I got it. And I don’t know if I still have it. And I don’t know if this is why I was receiving the messages either. To me it’s probably not… especially if the body can get rid of it fairly easy. I’m not sure what all tests are our there.. I do not go to hospitals or talk with doctors much… I just never really had to deal with them. Usually I’m forced to go by my family if that’s the case. Usually to get stitched up… lol… but I’d like to do a full body checkup with all my fluids… lol… to see if there is something that I might have that I’m trying to treat. This whole feeling of being in danger was new for me… and again looking back that feeling really drove me to do things I wouldn’t normally do, but I go with it when it involves ceremony. What happens in ceremony is supposed to happen regardless if we judge it as good or bad… there’s lessons to be learned. Geesh! Here’s another hesitant spot I’m coming up against… those three ceremonies were intense… they are the biggest reason why I want to get more dietas into my system because I know I want to be more grounded in ceremony when I share with other people but also when I go in by myself. I can’t explain but the other psychedelics I work with… I don’t have the same approach as I do with Aya… it just seems so much more involved and complicated then anything else I’ve worked with. And when I go the message to put my own intention into the Aya before I drink to get answers… I knew it didn’t technically say… hey you can have solo ceremonies now… lol… but I ran into a guy who makes his own and drinks on his own… and I thought… why not give it a try? I still have most of what I received from him… but lol… I’m not gung-ho to diving back into a solo ceremony soon… it’s been about a year now and I’ve microdosed… which is taking a sip of it… maybe only twice in that year. Microdosing is still a possibility for me… well maybe I could be comfortable enough in my dad’s space, but honestly since he’s not really into ceremony I feel like I can wait until I’m alone. I just would prefer to wait until after the dietas to think about doing solo sessions again… but who knows… I’m bit crazy and I never know if I’m going to get a feeling to give it another go.. that can happen any time…. Lol. Geesh… I’m not sure if I should continue about the buckets of Aya or go into my last three ceremonies… I think. I’m going to continue on the buckets of Aya… maybe I can go into ceremony next time… I know I’m wearing down a bit so I think I can process the buckets easier than the three ceremonies. So yes as I was saying most of the group will be shamans… but i think 90%.. and hopefully 100% of the participants will be drinking Aya for ceremony in this expedition. So… that leads to how can we get permission to transport Aya into Nepal. Again.. I’d love for this to be documented so I want it to be legal. I already know that one of the shamans has authorization paperwork where he can travel to specific countries with Aya for ceremonies in those countries. I cannot remember if Nepal is one of the countries, but he’s been to the United States and I think somewhere in Europe to hold ceremonies. So there is a way to get documentation to be able to fly with Aya, but I don’t know how much each of us would be able to take… if there is a limit to how much a person can take? I’d love to be able to get a hold of the government in Nepal and discuss what we plan on doing. I haven’t looked into this too deeply but I did a little. I’d like to get permission to have a spiritual/religious sanctioned to participate in an expedition through the mountains where we bring our own spiritual techniques to practice as we are doing it. If we bring something they don’t really want to be spread into the public, like Aya possibly… if there is some type of agreement or arrangement to be able to obtain the quantities and then transport the quantities through their government and then return it to us once we are setting out for our expedition. I think that makes sense.. the government can have control when we are in the public areas, but once we go into the private expedition we can get it from the government so we can participate in our spiritual practices. I really feel we’re going to be using Aya to guide us through the mountains. that’s why we need buckets. Oh my gosh… there’s so much coming up when I think about this… I’m thinking how can I possibly go through all the ideas that comes up? And is that necessary? It’s opening up my imagination and getting me prepared for dealing in areas I haven’t before… so it’s helpful in that manner… I guess if I start to get overwhelmed… it would be a sign for me to relax and move away from it for awhile… I guess I just want to continue to say… I hadn’t gotten these types of messages before… so it’s been challenging how to respond to them. I’ll continue to mention that possibly one of the main advantages I have is everyone else’s skepticism… right? This all seems really out there and not possible… so I go with what people are thinking… what if I am a crazy lady? And then how confident I am about ceremony… and I want people to be introduced to ceremony… so I follow up by saying… but what if i am connecting to something beyond logic more intelligent than logic? I’m still in my exploration of Aya… so it’s not like I know how to approach every message I received… in fact that’s where intuition plays a big role in the integration process. We have to trust that we can figure it out. I trust I can figure it out… but it doesn’t mean everything was given to me in a step by step manner. I also know I wasn’t as conscious as I am now… so I’m still needing to question my initial thoughts of how I’m piecing the puzzle pieces together. So I’m ok with approaching it loosely, but also there’s not much else I want to focus on but how to pursue this. I was spacing off for a little bit as I was thinking about this project… and I want to be able to rest before I go into it… I guess I’ll have to get into the rollercoaster ride of the last three solo ceremonies I had. And how much I need to look at it from a more grounded position even though my first responses was not in a grounded manner. Hmmm… I feel the excavation project will get me a better idea of how to work in a state I’m hoping to obtain… maybe i don’t need to spend so much mental energy on speculations right now. Maybe that might be the smart choice… I didn’t know what order I’m going to be proceeding but I feel the excavation would be the practical first step. I just get messages about different areas in my life and I feel I usually keep things open and available… I usually allow things to play out and then respond on how they are going, but I feel I can help better direct it now? Maybe? I’m at least trying to attempt to and then I can see if I need to make adjustments or not.. lol… alright… it’s time to rest for me… until next time

Alright… so… I did take two full car loads to the recycling center today. I already had the car packed from yesterday so I dropped my dad off to the movie theater and I went to two locations to drop off the items. I drove an hour back to the house and only took another 15 minutes to have it packed and reloaded to return to the center to unload it. I was trying to hurry so I can try to watch a movie with my pops and not everything was ready but how I started organizing during the fall it was easy enough to get what I could. I had to ask a little more detail on what is acceptable and it included items I wasn’t sure I’d be able to drop off so I was happy with that. I know I said I was thinking when is it going to be enough help to purge, clean, and organize my dad’s stuff… and I was asking myself again today when I was doing it… I even mentioned it to my dad. Actually I was talking about the discovery of developing a messiah complex and how I was learning how to heal that mindset without me knowing there was a label to what I and my influences had conditioned to become… but I found it interesting that going through the process of healing and growling I didn’t really need a label to identify what I was working on. I was just doing it… and honestly this last round of ceremonies did it become apparent that my overly helpful manner was really distracting me from being able to be aware of my wellness. As I’m purifying through this process its crazy that I thought of this idea of abundance and I was writing it out probably in September-Octoberish time period… and at that moment I thought I was creating a more conscious approach to abundance. And it hasn’t been that long of time where I started this online journal and I got different results. I feel I know I have to look at everything, but literally should I be looking at everything? Or just what happens to come into my awareness. I know my dad asked me how I got the idea of messiah complex and he thought that someone had commented it to me. And I said no… I was writing and then I thought the words and then I started looking it up to see what I’d find. My dad is definitely biased… he doesn’t even like it when I speak in a constructively critical way of my behavior in the past and now… he thinks I’m too hard on myself. I reassured him that just because I found this doesn’t mean I”m going to stop helping people. I just know I’m not going to ignore myself anymore. I told him… if I get drained by trying to help people… and I’m not aware of it… then I’ll be thinking I’m helping them out but in reality I’m only helping a fraction to when I’m fully charged up. I find when I’m fully charged.. I’m more efficient. I believe that’s why I”m able to get through this material purging process… I’m charged up and I’m focused… but I’m not overdoing it. So I don’t know when is enough to help my dad, but I do know I’m not getting depleted… I’m pacing myself and not pressuring myself either. Yes I feel like I want to move in a different direction soon, but I’m trying to calm that part of me who wants to rush. I know I still have enough energy and focus to give to my dad’s project… I want to help and I know I’m not going to do as much as I would if it was my own situation and a part of me still feels bad… I’m trying to figure out. I don’t expect someone to come and do my shit for me. Right… I was the type that was hard to receive from others. I’m still working on that still. I know how much enjoyment I get from giving, but I stop that in others who want to give to me. Let’s say I’m getting better. Many people like to give me little material things to say thank you or I’m thinking of you.. and I appreciate the thought… but honestly I then feel obligated to keep these little trinkets… lol… most know that I’m more of a nomadic type right now and so I try to explain that spending quality time is much more to me then a trinket… not in those words, but we get the idea. I’ve been learning how to be more direct in my communications with people. I didn’t realize how bad I was at this. Again I didn’t want to hurt their feelings… but I was running into the situation where several people seem to be bored and was needy with trying to get my attention. I’m sure we run into this and possibly we might be doing this ourselves… but do we find people who don’t really have anything to say to us but send something.. like sending memes all the time. They aren’t having any conversation to have context of why they think we might like a meme… I’ve had people only send me memes or even videos and nothing else. I’d even say hello there… how are you? How does this video or meme make you feel? I’m trying to figure out how to have conversations instead. But the responses are short, no depth, and many times they hadn’t even watched the video themselves… it just has something interesting in the title so they thought of me… lol… I’ve had to warn and also remove people from being able to communicate this ways to me. There’s one lady who I’ve warned several times… she’s in her 70s and she’s a librarian.. she dances salsa and she’s part of my drum circle… I adore her… but I keep warning her and she apologizes all the time, but it’s like she forgets and then starts right back up. there are other people who just wants to reach out on almost a daily basis without really wanting to engage in anything.. just wanting attention. This right here is another way I get drained… lol… first of all when I reach out to people… most of the time I want to discuss something… also if I’m going to send a video it’s because of something we’ve already discussed. I’m not sure but I figured that’s why people chat… right? I feel if they don’t have anything to say to me directly then that’s what posts are for… lol… they can post their videos and memes or how they feel about the weather on their posts… why are they using our opportunity to have a one on one conversation with these things… lol… I know it might seem silly, but when several people are doing it… it’s tiring.. and when I get a few people to stop… then I have a new set to deal with… lol… Because that’s the way I communicate.. at first I felt obligated to watch all these videos… I thought they wanted to talk about the videos… and that didn’t seem to be the case either. I have to tell them… I’m not a bored person. Rarely do I find myself bored. I have been drawn to things that occupy my time… I’m not looking to find more things that I’m not really interested in to occupy more of my time… lol. I’m always hoping to find people who like to have in depth conversations or even interesting ones… lol… and maybe I give my information out too freely. I’ve been placing my social media accounts to private so it deters people from friending me… lol.. I don’t know why I am being so selective right now. It’s actually bothering me. Boundaries have been a struggle for me to build, but I know it’s very helpful… but I really wish I didn’t have to. I have many friends who approach communication similarly… we can go long periods of time without messaging and then when we do… we just flow with our conversations and we’re both engaged and curious what’s been going on. I love this style. That’s what I would consider quality conversations… with independent individuals. I’m wondering if I was attracting codependent people because I knew I was trying to learn how to not feel responsible for everyone? Is that why I’m being so selective right now too? I know my tendency to get more involved then I’m ready for. Honestly I don’t want to always be selective, but it’s something I have to develop back. Into again. Before I wasn’t selective but I got drained… no I’m selective so I don’t get drained. Once I get used to this mindset of not needing to help everyone I engage with will I slow down the codependent relationships? I know I’m getting better because once I start seeing signs I address it. being firm with my boundaries lessens the time of feeling obligated…I know that feeling is my own issue and I know thinking I’m going to hurt people’s feelings is another issue that is my own. I know it’s not them. When I get clear and direct responses… I know the expectations of the relationship I’m involved with. So that’s why I try to do the same. I’m not certain what I’m getting at, but there seems to be something I’m searching for that I feel is in a blind spot. But it’s just not letting itself known at this time. So… I’ll continue with the day. I communicated with the mapacho maestro today which was good. He doesn’t speak much English and I don’t speak much Spanish, but with translator it really helps… but I know there is still something amiss many times. I’m not sure if it’s how I word it and it doesn’t translate clearly for them… but I see it. Also I know most of my questions aren’t answered. That was the case today. I told him I wanted more information about the mapacho diet. And he responded a typical response one might want to hear… mapacho will connect with the earth elements to assist in ceremony and going through the diets will help cure. He said the dieta is 7 to 8 days. I’ll be served fruits and vegetables while I’m on my dieta. He told me the cost… about $800. I thanked him for giving me the information but I had a few more questions. I asked if he would be open to doing a monthly dieta and where I can be taught on how to prepare mapacho alongside him… prepare for dieta and also for smoking… it he would be willing to teach. He didn’t really give an answer, but the response was I would need a shaman to guide me through dieta. Ok wait… let me find my conversation and see what all was said… I hear he is the top mapacho shaman around. When I met him… I got good vibes but it was a brief encounter. But I’m getting pickier in who I work with and I’m not sure how to approach this decision. So I’m going to see if I can digest it more… Me: Hello maestro (name). I'm a friend of (name). I'm (name) we met a few years ago, and I'm interested in participating in a mapacho diet. I would like to know what that involves please. (When I was translating it had something different interpretation. The last line said… I would like to know what that is please. That’s interesting because there’s a difference between those two interpretations… but anyway let’s continue.)) Maestro: Ok (name) the tobacco diet connects you with the earth elements connects with nature and cosmos and if you believe in god it also works in the spirit soul and physical body it is for 7 days day 8 short diet is food is fruits and vegetables you have a house cabin bring personal things cost is 3000 soles each diet those who want to learn take 12 trees in diet each master tree is a diet and in the end a super tobacco and they have knowledge to cure people Me: thanks for the information. I've been learning how to heal people with Aya. I have shared a ceremony with my shamans and I learned my first dieta of pion colorado, ajo sacha, and plantas voladora. I was able to lead two solo ceremonies and realized how much more grounding I want to support me as I continue. I know I'd like to go on a tobacco diet next. when you say 12 trees…I would have to start with them before I could just diet tobacco? (Looking back at the translation… it looks like he wants to do the 12 trees before mapacho to me… but I didn’t really understand that so that’s why I asked the question directly.) Maestro: welcome to the world of the medicine Me: Yes, thank you… It is very special! I realize how badly I want to die (I did not know I sent this… I definitely did not want to send this message to say this… see… I knew it wasn’t translating what I was saying correctly… lol… I wonder what he thought when he read that… lol… i meant dieta) , but I feel like I hear the elements of the earth calling me…so I'm trying to figure out my options. I have spoken with different shamans about the mapacho, but I still remember you and that is why I would like to consult more information. All your services last one week_ I know the diet is different, but I wonder if there are monthly options? I am so grateful to have brought plant medicine into my life. I am excited and looking to continue growing. Maestro: you have to keep growing Me: I don't see how it's possible to stop. to be honest I would like to learn how to prepare tobacco too. not only to diet but to smoke if you get to be able to teach. Maestro: It is necessary to be guided well, you can handle the medicine better Me: I trust medicine, but I also see differences with the shamans with whom I share the ceremony. I'm sure it's experience, but when I was doing my solo ceremonies I received messages that weren't like the messages when I'm sharing space. I realized that I wanted to be more grounded. I have joined again and I have been isolated for six months to process the diet and the ceremonies. the messages are guiding me and I know a little about what I want to be more grounded. I guess I have more stability with the shamans I work with. I hope it makes sense. I express a lot, but I'm not an ordinary American. I have dedicated my life to integrating ceremonies. I don't have a job right now because my focus is creating my authenticity and I know what drives. to work with plants among others, but I take it seriously Maestro: If, according to the knowledge and power of the medicine giver, you connect the elements, the shamans do not know, that is different. Me: yes… I hear that he speaks to me (This wasn’t translated correctly either… lol… I hear the messages being spoken for me)… haha… I don't know much Spanish and in fact it has helped me strengthen myself with medicine. I have obtained my authority in the messages I receive. but I appreciate any help with medicine with the shamans I work with. we are here to share and our connection can become who we are Maestro: yes So… I saw a few times where it didn’t translate what I was trying to say… but I had to re-read this again because I don’t think we were exactly on the same page… lol. I’m still curious to speak with him more. My friend said he can help communicate if i need it… and I might need to do just that… lol. My friend said he would do just a mapacho dieta and I believe that’s what I would like. I don’t think I’m interested at this time to do 12 tree dietas before the mapacho dieta. My friend said he’d suggest to do three to four diets a year… so minimum it would be 3 years before I would be able to diet mapacho on its own. Mapacho is a part of all dieta just like it’s a part of all ceremonies. There’s a pinch of mapacho that’s placed with the master plant. So I would like to get that confirmed. If he’s willing to do a mapacho diet for the first dieta and then see how well we work together before I can decide whether to continue with the 12 trees. I understand he is a specialist in mapacho, but I don’t know if I’m wanting to be a tobacco shaman like himself and my friend too. It may be possible but I don’t see myself committing to that before I see how he works with mapacho. I know I found him interesting when I met him… he seemed like a unique type of shaman and that’s probably why I still remember him and curious about him still. I’ll talk to my friend and see if I can get clarification. Again to remind myself my friend said that if I decide to participate in the full tobacco program that he would say not to work with any other shaman except the tobacco shaman… and I already know I will not be able to work in that manner… there are shamans I know I’m going to continue to work with every time in Peru. We’re building a stronger relationship in ceremonies as partners. I know I need to get back to learning more of the language… lol. I thought maybe I might be interested in exploring the conversations I had with the new guy who I went on the hike with… but honestly I’m not really drawn to discussing it at least not yet… maybe not at all. I’m wondering if I want to continue with the expedition too… but I feel like I’m just not feeling in the flow right now. I’m tired and my little buddy wants some attention and I’d rather do that for awhile and then head to bed… lol… oh I’ve been trying out playing online games of Mastermind and Boggle… it was really good to see my butt being kicked in Boggle… lol… it makes me want to increase my speed but also my vocabulary… lol… mastermind was too easy using six colors and patterns of four without duplicate colors. I was happy to see the option to allow duplicate colors so it’s challenging again. Alright… until next time then

Well.. Happy Birthday @Leo Gura

Alright… where to begin… I’ll just say I’m a little giddy right now… I just got off the phone with the facilitator gentleman who was a part of my first 10 ceremonies. We’ve been in communication off and on… he’s been drawn to work deeply with mapacho and he’s the one who introduced me to the shaman who primarily works it’s mapacho… not Aya. He’s going to see if he can share his number with me… so I can ask questions about dieta. So each shaman has their own procedures on how they approach dieta. What I gathered from my friend is that he does a concentrated dieta where the master plants are drank each day for seven days. It’s more on the intense approach, but if I want to continue working with mapacho… which might be the case because I am drawn toward mapacho and I also can assume this would be the ideal teacher to ground and I know that’s where I need more assistance with. It’s a steep price for his dietas… more than I expected… but really it’s not too surprising… most will decide to put a pretty price tag on medicine, because most of the participants are not local Peruvian. I can not see a local being able to pay those prices. For a week would be a year salary for them… lol… but I do want to try him out, because of how closely he works with mapacho. The thing is I thought it would be more like a monthly dieta and I guess it could go up to 14days. That’s actually similar to the other shamans I’ve been asking about mapacho dieta… hmmm… I want to have communications and see how it goes and see what I’m drawn to do. Like always I explain a little about what I want to do and there’s always a warning to not work with too many different shamans. I pretty much have to say up front that that’s how I work. I learn from every single shaman… if not every single person now… lol… so if that’s a problem then they’re not the people to continue working with… at least for now. But he’s located in Iquitos and I haven’t been there in years, so I’d love to at least go and visit friends I know.. and of course meet some more interesting peeps. We’ll see how it goes… that’s the thing there are two other shamans I would like to do dieta with and my friend said if I find that I want to work with mapacho seriously then he’d suggest to stick with his dieta program and then afterwards go to other shamans. That just doesn’t seem like my style, but I honestly don’t know until I’m there and going through it will I know for sure. I’d like to be able to communicate with the shamans before hand to give them an idea I’d be coming so they can be aware and prepare. I’m pretty comfortable with the other shamans where they’d be more laid back and aren’t so popular I guess would be a way to describe them. Plus I know their prices are much more reasonable. One of them I want to work with is right outside of Iquitos too.. so I can still visit my friends if I decide not to go to my friend’s suggested shaman. We’ll see… I just was super giddy talking about ceremony and just life in general. Most people would describe me as bubbly… and I can say for a good part of the time that’s a good description… but I think because I’m bubbly they relate that to naive and ditsy… and I allow them to make whatever judgements they want to make. But I’m positive doesn’t’ ‘mean I haven’t gone through shit… but that’s what my work helps me to become… happy so I’m going to be happy… lol… and I know I feel that triggers people… but again I don’t care if I’m a trigger anymore…lol… whatever reactions people have to me is a lesson for them not me… I just need to be me without trying to change myself to make others comfortable around me. That’s the thing… I knew I was a presence, but I also knew many people were uncomfortable with it… so I’d tone it down… but damn it… I’ve been shedding many skins and I’m not wanting to stay small as I grow. I’d like to be where I am regardless. Ok in a bit I’ll go into the conversations I had with the new guy at the hike in the park yesterday. We were messaging thanking each other for the conversation and time we spent with each other. I got his permission to discuss what we talked about. He said that’s fine. I told him it’s probably going to be briefly mentioning the topics we discuss… but then I just process what comes to mind based on our conversations. Again we attracted each other and I’m sure I can gain benefits from the experience we shared… so might as well take a look at it deeper. But I’ll go on with this purging material stuff of my pops that I’m working on. I looked a few places in Indy which takes many of the items he has been collecting. So I packed the trunk and the back seat completely… lol… I’m pretty good at Tetris so I was pretty happy with what I could fit in. This will not be my last trip to these locations… lol… there is so much to clear out. But I also thought it was good that my dad kept all of these things. They didn’t go into the landfills. There’s more options now and at least they’ll be in locations that will be able to disassemble and process in a more environmentally ethical way. Also even though this isn’t my stuff… going through the process feels like it’s still cleansing myself too. I got my dad to help put his big screens into the car… and take another look at the items I plan on taking in case there’s something he still wants to keep… it was pretty good he just kept a few items back but mostly he said the majority can go. He even helped me with a few speakers too… so that’s a positive. He doesn’t want to do what I’m doing… but I also know he’d gain benefits if he went through it with me. He doesn’t have to do it all the time, but if I can get him in there a little bit… he can get an idea of what it takes to do it, because I cannot do it all for him. That reminds me when I first arrived… he was occupied with a project of digging a cellar… hmmm… I think it’s around 12’x16’ and I think he want’s to go 8’ down… it’s pretty huge especially since he’s digging with a shovel and sifting out the gravel and rock as he’s doing it. He said he’d pay me $10/hour to help him….lol… I did it one day and said dad… there’s no way I want to continue doing this. It seems like you’re motivated to occupy your time doing this… there’s other things I can help you with that you are avoiding… like a huge elephant of stuff upon stuff everywhere. I’d better be able to help you in this area and you don’t have to pay me… lol… I know you’ll feel better. So I thought I’d go drop it off tomorrow but my dad has one of his movie days planned out already. I’m not sure if I mentioned this before.. but sometimes he’ll go and watch matinees on Tuesday where he’ll watch three to four movies in a row. It’s pretty surprising how cheap he can do it. They all know him and I swear they give him more discounts then they already have for Tuesdays. But we were discussing that maybe I can drop him off and then pick him up later. The thing is it’s not going to take me four hours to recycle these items… I could watch two of the movies with him… but I don’t know if I can do two movies in a row… lol… shoot I might do trips to the centers instead…lol… in four hours I’d be able to drive back to our home town an hour away and drop a second load and still make it back to pick him up with time to spare probably. I already have items ready for the next load. Actually that’s what I think I’ll do. I told him I wasn’t sure and I’ll see how I feel. And I know I’m really not interested in the movies he’s watching and two movies is a lot. I went to the movies for the first time in many years and they have extra large recliners and all to make it comfortable but that seems a bit too much for me… lol. I usually don’t like to drive the car that much because it gets overheated at times.. but I think I can work it all out. It will be so freaking nice to get all this shit out of the garage. If I can get it done all in one day that would be even better. I need to find where I can drop off old televisions and also fans.. lol.. there’s so many fans in there. I can wait for other recycling drop-offs but they’re only on Saturdays except the fourth Saturday of the month… which of course is this weekend. But I’ll check it out and see what I can do. I can ask again at these locations… most people want money to take them, but I know there’s a way to get it for free. So I might just wait for it…lol… it would be so nice to get it done though. Oh… as I was cleaning up to go inside… I lost my corn cob pipe… I’m usually pretty good at finding things, but I couldn’t find it. And as I’m looking for it I’m thinking.. well I keep wanting to stop smoking the pipe so habitually… maybe this is a sign to take even more seriously… but then another voice was also saying… well you’ve got your grandpa’s pipe still…lol… so yeah I grabbed my grandpa’s green pipe and I’m using it for tonight. Man… that’s why I really want to participate in the mapacho diet… I know it helps me ground, but I know I smoke when I don’t need it though either. It’s been a slow processes slowing down my usage. But I know I can be better at being deliberate with it. I know I don’t like smelling like smoke and I’ve got a pretty smile but there’s that yellowish stain on them… it’s not terrible, but I have looked into possibly purchasing something to help with the whitening process… the one I’m looking at also uses light technology to help with bacteria too… but I don’t particularly want to purchase it until I’ve quit. I don’t really smoke that much, in my opinion. And there are certain times when I don’t even think about it. When I’m with the kiddos normally it’s easy not to think about it. When I’m dancing too. But when I’m doing flow states it seems that’s when I really enjoy it. So when I’m engaged in an art project, or ceremony, or even journaling. I know other techniques to help ground me and it’s a time thing… when I can smoke I just take a puff or two and that’s all I need and that’s a 10 second option… other options involve a lot more time… but I would like to make a more conscious effort. Every morning I’m talking to myself about the damn pipe… why would I need it right when I wake up. And when I have something planned in the morning it doesn’t even bother me to not do it. When I find taking the first puff of the day it tastes bad. I always seem to be regretting it now… so yeah it’s time to push myself a little harder than I normally do. I got a funny story about finding things… well a few stories I guess. So back maybe seven years I was part of a co-ed softball team… our team was mostly the party team and not there for the competition. Most of our players didn’t even know how to play the game… lol… so yeah we would be drinking during our games and we’d have at least two games a night. One night I realized I was missing my phone. The next day was raining so I didn’t go back to the field but the second day I returned and I search both fields for my darn phone. I played center field and so I had a large area to cover… but I didn’t find it the first day… I returned the following day and low and behold I found the sucker… and it was still working… lol… Yeah there’s been a few times like that… I just usually good at not giving up and finding it. Actually once I was camping on the beach in Hawaii with my dad and my bag was raided my locals. There was a group of locals who lived on the beach and they took my grandpa’s pipe and my cash. I was talking to them… I told them I don’t care about the cash, but that pipe means a lot to me and explained it was my grandpa’s. I also assumed they thought it was a pipe to smoke drugs out of… people assume I’m smoking weed with it and I always have to convince people that it’s just tobacco. So I mentioned that to a few of the locals… hey it’s just a tobacco pipe… if none are going to use it then I might as well get it back. Thankfully they ended up placing my grandpa’s pipe on our picnic table a few days after…. Lol… again I usually don’t give up. There’s one time I can remember that I did give up even though I was fighting it… I just couldn’t get any results. I was in Australia at the time… it was actually New Years Eve… I was taking a public bus to the location I was going to watch the fireworks along Sydney Harbor. I left my wallet which is just a little bag… I literally found it missing when I got off the bus.. but the bus was driving off and it didn’t stop when I was trying to wave it down. I waited for the next bus to see if they have communications with the other buses… they do not I guess. And by then I wasn’t using phone service and I was only a week in Sydney and so trying to figure out who to call and which facility to go and check was a bit of a challenge. I had my money, my debt cards, and my ID… thankfully my passport was in my suitcase, but the main thing was I just placed my grandparents original wedding ring in there. I had worn that ring on my finger for almost twenty years. Rarely did I even take it off but for some reason I decided to take it off and it was lost. So when I was my grandpa’s nurse I got the green pipe… when I was my grandma’s they let me have some of her clothes, but my aunt took me aside and wanted to thank me for all the help I gave to the family that she wanted to give me their original wedding band. It meant a lot to me. They were only 16 to 18 years old when they got married. They didn’t have money to buy anything too fancy.. there weren’t any stones. It was a gold band and had thin silver bands on the outside and inside the gold there were engraving of stars all around it. It wasn’t too gaudy which was perfect for me… I always loved the two toned color because it felt like it represented both of them together. But anyway the few people I met in that week were so awesome and helped me out. They helped get the information for me to go and search it out. I’d return each week for the two months I was visiting and nothing. They fronted me cash for a few days.. most of my stays were already paid for… but that’s when I started using western union to send myself money…lol… I still wish I would’ve ended up finding that ring, but I also know that losing that ring won’t stop me from remembering my grandparents and their love and my love for them. I lose my stuff quite a bit actually when I travel… lol.. I’ve gotten so much better at not freaking out, but definitely started with panic for sure… it just seems like the panic doesn’t last that long the more it happens. I’ve gone through it so many times and always seem to figure out how to handle it that it doesn’t effect me as strongly as it once had. Anyway… I feel like I’m not too worried if I don’t find the corn cob pipe… I literally got it for free but now that I’m using my grandpa’s pipe… I don’t want to lose that too… lol… but what happens is supposed to happen… if I can just use it for ceremony though I can place it in my ceremony case and it has a better chance to not get accidentally lost anywhere. Yeah I’m ready though… I kind of used smoking as a way to repel men…lol.. I thought maybe if I smelled like smoke it wouldn’t be attractive. But I know many found it an easy way to approach me… seeing a girl smoking a pipe is not a usual site… lol.. but I’m not afraid to attract men or women in my experience. I don’t need excuses to repel anymore. Lol… honestly going to buy tobacco at the store also gave me a good excuse to buy a lottery ticket now and then… lol… I used to never bury these tickets. I think maybe the month after I returned from my first round of ceremonies… oh yeah… I left something behind at a gas station.. I cannot even remember what it was right now.. but I was driving back to get it and I just started seeing number really standing out to me… It wasn’t anything I’ve experienced before but when I went to pick it up I ended up buying scratch offs with the numbers that popped out and I won close to three hundred dollars. It was pretty cool to win. It was Christmas time and I remember I took my ex’s daughter to the place I was working seasonally as a second job… I don’t know if you’ve heard of Lush but it was pretty cool spot and I took her on a shopping spree for Christmas.. she loved it… and we knew we weren’t going to be spending much time together so it was even like a going away party for us. She’s an amazing girl… college girl now. I still have my eyes on her… I’d love to take her to Peru one day. She was studying Japanese in school too… so maybe we can go to Japan together… I’ve always wanted to visit. I’ve always cared for my relationships… it’s hard for me to ignore it or just forget about it… even though we decided our romantic relationship wasn’t going to work out. I know it might sound crazy, but if I had an abundance of money… and I have that idea of hiring people to work on making themselves happy… I always think about my exes… I want them to be happy still. Just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean they aren’t great guys and their happiness is still important to me…lol… my exe of 13years… with him having his fist son now… I’d love to give him the chance to be a stay-at-home dad at this time with his son… he’s been waiting for this for so long. Well… maybe something can work out… I just don’t even know if he’d accept anything from me… I hope so. I know that I’d want that as well. I would love to spend attention and time with my children… I always had an agreement with my dad that he’d be one of the first options for babysitter…hehe… he’s given up on me now… lol.. i told him there’s still a chance… lol… but yeah I’d love for my partner and i to spend most of our time raising our family. Of course we’ll accept help from our tribe, but I’m hoping my partner is just as excited about our family as I would be. Even say we adopt… really getting a chance to build a bond would be a necessity for us. I’d love to do that for my brother too. He’s got four children and they’re growing up so fast… he’s always working to provide for them… if I can offer him an opportunity to not have to work in that manner.. in another manner… there’s still work to be done, but spiritually and that would allow him to have more time to share with the family… which also will allow his wife time for herself as well. Yeah maybe I’ll go into that for a little bit… What if I hired people to really focus on their spirituality? To me.. I feel like that’s the most important discovery for each of us. If they can get to the point where they can understand that most of their past was a conditioning by unconscious or lower conscious selves. Able to work out their embarrassment, their shame, and their guilt… their fear… able to not live with that holding them back. What would that create? What would they share? What could we collaborate together? I know I’ve talked about this… but I guess I’m going another round…lol… that’s where my thoughts are. It want to give them freedom to explore what draws their attention. Some won’t need much they already have list of things they know they enjoy and they’ll start there. But I know many who don’t know what they like… so I’d definitely give them suggestions… but the thing I want this to be collaborative group too. So I guess I can start there… I’d give them like a package to start off with if they want it I guess it… I thought about providing them equipment for them to make videos and able to have group discussions. I want them to have freedom but I also want it to be a learning process too. So I would like them to document their journey. I know there are different ways to document, but I thought at least being able to communicate in groups will be helpful so they’re not just getting my guidance but others who are participating in this experiment, i guess we can call it. Right I don’t know maybe there’s people doing this already but I haven’t heard of it. I want them to try their best to document the process… try to encourage them not to pick and choose what’s best to be documented. See the true process of this type of work. Mostly it will be for them to see their progression. So let’s say it’s a year agreement to start off so they don’t feel like its a huge commitment. But there can be a lot of growth within a year.. so see how they started to where they came within a year. I can assume everyone will be different… some may have huge changes and some might not have much. But again I feel I can work with each one individually of what I can edit in their videos to be able to share with the group. Hopefully some will even agree to share on like a website for the public to see their journey too. If we have a variety of personalities I feel the public would be able to gain a similar relationship to us. Ideally see that the public can do this too. Hopefully everyone sees how beneficial focusing on their happiness leads to creating a happy world. Focusing on happiness doesn’t mean there’s a huge rollercoaster of emotions that are going to have to be looked at. But again finding our own authenticity away from the conditioning isn’t extremely easy, right… not many people have been successful at it. But people are successful… so everyone can be successful too. I thought of having equipment and programs for the editing process. Even having team building events on how to do that. i thought about hiring an editing team to edit the videos because I don’t want to go and do that all the time… lol… i wouldn’t be doing anything else. But maybe each person can do their part. Especially if they don’t have any other obligations… they should have more time on their hands. But maybe there are individuals who would love to do that. But the thing is… is they’re being hired full time doing these projects.. I’d want them to be involved with the whole process. Especially to capture the subtlety of behavior and not overlooking nuances. The editing process can complete change the context especially if they don’t have the direct experience of what the work involves. I know I can’t plan every detail but sometime I try… lol… but that would be one of the agreements would be to document… whether it’s daily or every other day.. but a consistent track. I’d have them submit their entries without editing which would be confidential… but I want to observe and learn too… so I know I’d find it valuable to hear their stories. When it comes to sharing… that’s when we can edit… I can give them an opportunity to make their edits, but again… I might find something that would be crucial to not edit out… so we’d have to agree on what’s being shared. If they have privacy issues… I thought of even hiring animators… lol… but they can have their own page or something so the public can follow their story. I’m not sure if it’s going to be a shared video each month maybe… or once a quarter… i think that might have to be figured out while we’re doing it. And maybe it might be different with each one… I’m not sure. But the people who find there’s not much change in the direction they are wanting… we can brainstorm on how to encourage them to make those changes from different perspectives… all supportive and constructive. I mentioned team building already, but I would love to setup a lot of team building opportunities… I would love to do a variety of events… I have ideas already, but I’d like for everyone to be able to make suggestions too. Now I think I said… I’d want them to take vacation more than they normally would in a career. They can take vacations with their families and friends, but the requirement would be solo vacations. Probably at least once a quarter. I’m not sure maybe twice a year could be a good start. It’s hard because what I feel would be helpful may not apply to everyone. Going back to watching their videos… I know I’d be able to get a feel of possible suggestions to try out…. Lol… i know I’m a crazy when it comes to dancing… but I know I’d love to suggest dancing for everyone. It just has a wholistic approach to self and social discovery that I feel can be very beneficial. 90% of people will want to reject it at first… and because of that that’s why I’d recommend it… it will get them out of their comfort zones. Shoot… I can see me literally going to everyone that’s apart of this and starting their dance lessons with them… lol… there’s so many options to dance that we’d go and see which one they’d like to try. And figure out how to create a schedule for the year. It’s benefits might not be obvious until we immerse into the experience. It’s hard to think about anything else then dancing while we’re dancing… it’s a great way to focus our attention away from any issues we might be going through. There’s many other options than dancing, but I cannot help myself… i feel our communities need a little more dance in our lives.. lol… I’m biased but I’d add a little more art and music into their experience too. So maybe I can have them choose our of the three… dance, music, or art… then we can find a class to get them involved with. now if they happen to be already drawn to these areas… then we’ll have to figure out alternatives. I want to introduce variety to gain more experiences that might take them out of their comfort zone. Again… I’d be seeing if they are willing to do these things or not. Right… that’s why I want to have an agreement before we start.. because I want them to make a true effort into this process. If they are resisting the entire time… I might conclude they aren’t ready to do this for themselves. So I can give them a break and have them go back to whatever makes them comfortable. I hope that even a year under this intentional look into themselves will have changes to mindfulness that might be subtle but they will hopefully be more aware if they choose to go back and do what they were doing before. I had thought how can I give them incentive for sharing too. Figure out a way to give them bonuses after each year of active participation. I could see myself gong and visiting with them in their home space. I can really get a better idea of where we’re at when we’re in person. It’s strange but I kind of see my already working my way to doing this already. No I don’t pay anyone to work on their spirituality… but I do have in depth conversations with many. I like to check in on them and sometimes I’ll go visit to really get a sense of what’s going on in their reality. Also in person the conversations again feel like they get deeper. I know we’re already on our spiritual journey regardless if we know it or not. I know when I think about this it sounds good, but also it sounds like a lot of time and energy too. It similar to how I am approaching ceremonies now. I thought I would just share with everyone I meet, but that is not the case anymore. I’m much more selective of who I share my time, attention, and energy with in ceremony. I love my freedom and man I know that this would take a lot of my freedom away. But is there a way to do it where it doesn’t have to have so much opportunity to get drained? I’d have to schedule all the time….lol… I’ve been learning to go with the flow without a schedule. And dang it… I know I’m going to have my own family and whatever that looks like… I want to be able to be with them as much as I want… not feeling like a have responsibilities to all. that’s a huge message for me right now. I feel like I have always wanted to figure out how to do as much as I can do for as many people as I can. But what I can imagine right now seems like that would be my entire life focusing my attention, time, and energy for everyone else. I’ve always thought I’d be an entrepreneur one day… but I don’t know it that’s really what I want to do. I know how much that involves and again how I imagine it right now is that will stop my freedom. Maybe what i call freedom isn’t the same as others maybe… but right now I spend time doing what I want with whom I want as long as I want. Now I know to the degree I know is possible is still something I’m working to create.. but in general this is what makes me happy. I can assume if I had my own business… that would not be the case. Again I already I know the work I do isn’t classified as a job or even work to most.. but yet it works for me. And I’m ok if it doesn’t make sense to others. In fact, I find myself wanting to work with people in projects they are working on. I love volunteering my time… I love to learn new things… when i approach in this way… how it goes determines how long I participate. I might be able to help groups connect with other groups… people to connect with other people, maybe? I like to be curious about a large variety of things which led to a large diverse network. Well… I know I’m going to continue to share ceremonies… so it’s not like I’m completely not going to share ceremony. So maybe I can still be able to try the experiment but not to just everyone… but who I’m drawn to. I can be more selective. Honestly… this expedition I’m think of… that’s the group I’d want to focus on first… I’d like them to get as prepared mentally, physically, and spiritually for this exploration. I can imagine it’s not going to be comfortable for any of us. Getting them prepared having time without many distractions will be something to learn. It’s best to learn it before the expedition. I know there is tons of projects I want to be involved with well I want the team to be involved with. That’s the thing… I have these memories of building a business or nonprofit before my last ceremonies. Now that I’ve had these ceremonies I’m more drawn to creating them into reality than any other idea I had before those experiences. I just remember them and they were good ideas, but it wasn’t going to lead to a life I’m wanting to really create for myself. It was a life that was acceptable for society and what I should be doing in their eyes. Lol… I think I was or am getting myself out of Savior/Messiah Complex. This popped into my mind and so I wanted to look it up… I’ll go ahead an use the website from WebMD https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/savior-messiah-complex#:~:text=Wanting to help others can,be more serious in others. The author is Kristen Fischer. She starts, “Wanting to help others can be good for your health. But if you feel like you have to do it and put aside your own well-being to do so, it can be problematic… If you have a messiah complex, you may feel like you are destined or called to save others. You may feel responsible for helping others. You may have good intentions if you try to come to the rescue (at your expense). Or you may try to play savior for more self-serving reasons such as a desire for praise, power, or a sense of self-worth… What Are the Symptoms of a Savior Complex? You may have a messiah complex if you: Want to help other people. If you like helping others, you may volunteer a lot or even try to save others in an extreme situation that may harm you. There are benefits of helping others, of course. When the time put in starts interfering with your well-being, it can become a problem for yourself, those in your life, and others you’re trying to help. For example, you may think that sacrificing sleep to do a good deed isn’t too damaging. But over time, the physical and mental effects can be toxic. Want better self-esteem or self-worth. Self-esteem is based on what you do (while self-worth is more about who you are). You may crave either or both, which is why you may set out to help others and neglect yourself. While wanting to feel a sense of self-worth or self-esteem isn’t necessarily a negative thing, it can become damaging to you or others. Havecodependency. If you feel responsible for another person’s needs -- and enable them to fill those needs, even if they’re negative -- you may be more prone to experience a messiah complex or pathological altruism. If you are already looking to save others you know (that’s the case with codependency), you may look to save others you don’t know,too. Think you know what’s better for others. You may be prone to a messiah complex if you believe you know what’s best for others. That can lead to an irrational impression that you’re helping others. In other words, your good deed could backfire on the person you’re trying to help. Crave power over others or self-worth. You may start out genuinely wanting to help others and find that you crave the power that it gives you. Then you may stop wanting to help others but only do it for the power or feelings of self-worth. In other cases, people may help others and have a savior complex solely because they want power and self-worth. How Can a Messiah Complex Harm Me? Even if you truly want to help others (that’s called altruism), feeling like you have to help others can: Put you in danger physically if you try to save someone in a dangerous situation Affect your mental state, especially if you aren’t able to save the other person Cause you to neglect your own physical needs, which could lead to illness Lead you to get burned out Affect your personal relationships Negatively affect the person or people you’re trying to help You don’t have to have a mental disorder to experience a savior complex. You may start helping others with good intentions and continue that way, or develop a messiah complex over time. Some people help others at their own expense because they want to feel good about themselves or they want to feel like they’re in control of others. Just because you experience a savior complex doesn’t mean that it goes on to hurt others, but it can be harmful to your general health or theirs. What Should You Do If You Have a Savior Complex? Helping others isn’t bad. It can have plenty of health perks. But sometimes when you do good things for others, you may not take care of yourself. Even the best of intentions can have negative outcomes. So… yeah I can see that I had tendencies of having messiah complex for sure. And I definitely didn’t recognize it. Well I didn’t ever really look into it actually… I just heard about it but in passing.. nothing in depth. But I know that I”m working myself out of this. I was already doing this without knowing I could’ve been labeled having messiah complex. The main part of this is how much my desire to help others was affecting my well-being. This is a huge confirmation that I’ve been realizing since I’ve been practicing conscious building for the last five years. That’s why I’m here now continuing to question my old stories… it just doesn’t fit anymore. I know I want to place my well-being at the top of my list. That’s why I’ve been in isolation because I knew I needed time for myself… and I didn’t want anyone else to be a priority over my wellness. I’m questioning how much is too much help… what’s really going to help… me doing it for them? Or they doing it for themselves? I had already been working on encouraging and empowering people to find their own answers. I know how powerful we are and I trust we are already doing the work. I keep going back to the point that existence is already perfect… I don’t need to focus my attention on everything… I want to focus my attention on my guidance to my happiness. I can see dissolving the responsibility for all can really open me up to have more focus on what’s driving me. I can and will be a conscious influence. I love to nurture, but I’m more aware of the extent that is healthy for me. My trust continues to deepen with myself, with the collective, and existence. Nice… I needed a little more clarity of what I am working with. It’s not like I feel I’m too attached to this, but I know the residue will be there sneaking around… so I know to continue to keep my awareness looking out. I know right now being here with my dad… We’ve created habits together… and we need to make more conscious decisions to create a more conscious relationship. I know I kept on thinking today… when will it be enough? When will I finally decide that I’ve helped enough? I continue to work, but it seems like as much as I do… I can continue to find more to help with. How much will be enough to show my gratitude? How much will be enough to show my love? Why do I think I am not enough for him or him or him? I am enough… I can give enough… I can receive enough… I”m thankful that I continue to be more aware that I’m ready to be ready to be enough for me… I’m ready to be ready to stop feeling like I have to be worthy… I am worthy to be me unconditionally. I’m ready to be ready to be love… I’m ready to be ready to be patient. I’m ready to be ready to become.

So the excavation project… I wanted to look at why I seemed to be wanting to stop the approach that I was going on when I was addressing it yesterday. I was wondering why I was finding it hard to continue with the line of approach I was doing. What I gathered was I was getting absorbed and about to get lost in theory. My initial response was to automatically email the INGEMMET to see what I need to do to get the proper paperwork. I know this is my first time inquiring and planning on moving forward in action so I figured get the information directly from the source. I could literally read all I can stand on what is involved… who, what, where, and just get lost in areas which might not even apply to our situation. Instead… go to the source and see what they need from us and then go from there. I get into the tendency of seeing a larger problem that I want to fix… and honestly I have a project I want to focus on… it has to deal with this larger problem, but I don’t have to focus on the larger problem right now. I already know people are drawn to address the larger problem already… I might be drawn to address it at another time, but right now… I’ve got my own focus and I think I should just go with that instead of getting involved with everything. It’s challenging with me to not want to get involved with projects involving the Amazon rainforest and the indigenous tribes in the Amazon. But I know existence and infinite intelligence has it’s hands deep into this already. Again maybe in the future I’ll be getting my hands into some of these issues, but right now… I have a project I can focus on and it will be a good way to introduce myself into how to work with the Peruvian government and the indigenous. It’s best to start with a smaller and intimate project then try to be involved with everything at once… which ….. lol… again if I start to explore and get lost into theory… I tend to do, but I’m making changes to be more grounded. So yes emailing the governmental agencies that will be directly involved in our project is the first thing to do. As I was doing some research today I found a website: https://www.mineralplatform.eu/investment/mining-legal-frameworks#peru which is from the EU-Latin America Partnership on Raw Materials. They had suggestions about working with Peru, and they said,”The Geological, Mining and Metallurgical Institute (INGEMMET) conducts the administrative procedures leading to the granting of mining concessions for medium and largescale mines. In the case of smallscale mining, the title is granted by the Regional Directorate of Energy and Mines (DREM).” So I think I didn’t need to email INGEMMET at this time since we are a small scale mining project. So I found the DREM of the Amazonas email and asked my inquiries. I’m hoping that’s not going to be too complicated. In fact I was reading about indigenous communities there might be additional work, but if I remove myself from the paperwork… it should be relatively easy for my shaman and their family to obtain the certificates and permits on their own. If I’m on the paperwork maybe that’s when it can get complicated so I’ll see what suggestions and information they’ll have for me. So I was wondering where do we even taking our findings? I found that INGEMMET has a geological survey which can determine what it is we actually found… lol… I’m sure if there is anything of value they will be able to direct us from there. So… what else am I thinking about this project? I’m thinking about the excavation equipment. I’m not sure what the size of equipment we’ll be dealing with. I don’t know if we’ll have to widen the entrance path to the center to even get the equipment back to the spot. I also know there is an area of concern which is swampy during the rainy season. I’m thinking I might have to go ahead and build a bridge of some sort to be able to allow the equipment to have access to the center without it getting stuck in the mud. I also am still wondering what to all build afterwards but I don’t really want to focus on that too much right now. I feel like we aren’t going to be rushing the building process. We’ll see what we need to do with our findings. I wonder how much it would be to buy a small excavating machinery? Technically we could probably use it with many other projects in the center… and we could also offer it to the village to use too. I don’t think it’ll be just sitting around a lot.. which is good for machinery.. it needs to be used. I’m sure the prices will be more reasonable in Peru. I’m not sure if the small city closer to the village will have the machines for sale. I saw some but I’d assume they are for rent. Maybe I can check out the prices in the large city… they’d have them there. I’m sure we’d be able to ship it but again… haven’t looked into it but this stuff might be better for like my shaman to look into… lol… getting up and down the river is easier for a local for sure and sometimes I could see I’d make it more complicated than it needs to be. My translator friend is actually with the shaman now with their ceremonies. I emailed them to check on them… my shaman responded back and sent me a picture of the three of them. My friend has not responded but that makes sense if he’s at the center right now… he should be detaching himself at this time. But I hope he responds shortly after.. I could have him help look into prices. We’re all going to be involved anyway… might have them see what they can find while I try to submit paperwork. If i get a response fairly quickly we can see what needs to be done for the application process. I have to admit I like my friend reaching out to the shaman. He asked my opinion when his friend from Japan reached out her interests in Aya ceremonies. I gave him my opinion but I didn’t have to be the middle man. I want them to get more familiar with each other. I feel they’ll be getting to know one another which will be helpful for our future projects. And I’m hoping he gets to know the family while he’s there. Particularly the sons who will be joining us on the expedition. Lol.. I’ve been hesitant a little to even tackle the expedition project at this time… lol… this one threw my into a loop. A lot more complicated theory to try to manage. I’m hoping if I can get the experiences in this excavation project I’ll get a better understanding how I can use ceremonies to help me get more answers for this expedition. Lol… ok I’ll try to entertain it and see where it goes. So again I mentioned I want to ground myself more in ceremony.. so in theory if I participate in more dietas this will give me a better start, which also gives me more experience with Aya too. I haven’t put my intentions into Aya yet to be guided specifically to a purpose. I’m not sure how to do that, but again this project will give me a better understanding. I’m assuming that I will be able to learn how to do this… which in turn I can use when I’m doing the expedition in the mountains. So my messages for the mountains came from many sources and I have to admit… I’m uncertain if I’m connecting the dots accurately or not. So I have to be open that I might not be in alignment with the project yet. Because of that I’m wondering if it’s even appropriate to theorize what the possible approach would be to get this up and going. Should I just wait to have more ceremonies to get better clarification? Possibly.. but I also know that experiences aren’t linear and separated though either. Even though I want to put my focus into the excavation project I’m certain that I’ll also be training for my expedition too. At least that’s how it seems to me in my experiences… again I know there’s a group involved… I don’t know all of the members but I got a good idea of who I’m going to be asking and I know there’s going to be a group of professionals, whom I don’t know, that I’ll need to be training from and some might have to go with us too… I’m not sure. Should I entertain the thoughts I have already in this expedition? Hmmm….I don’t see how it can hurt, right? I feel if I’m supposed to take a break from the approach I’m using I can get a message. I just wonder if I’m getting lost in the theory like I was yesterday? Well… I won’t know until I go through the process.. let’s see where it takes us. So what do I have the feeling this might involve? We will be going to Nepal and we will be taking an expedition into the mountains… I feel like we might be looking for a water source but I’m not definite. I also have the feeling the group is going to be taking horses with us… now that doesn’t mean we won’t be taking other animals, but I feel the horses are involved. It’s crazy about these horse messages I’ve been getting. This started near the beginning of my ceremonies. In fact I had a message about the horses early on and I had forgotten until the recent message about them returned to me in ceremony… only then did i remember I already been getting messages. So again similar to what I was saying earlier. The timeline is not a linear fashion in life… When I was getting these images I thought they were different than being taken to an expedition. That was not part of the messages when I was seeing them. To be honest I thought they were tied to my spiritual lover… lol.. for some reason I thought maybe he or at least his family were involved with horses. But there’s one horse in particular that I’m drawn to have messages about…. I think it’s a she… lol… i don’t know why but I feel she and I are going to be close… we’re going to be “the heart” of the team. Every time I see her I think we are the heart… again this is just how I feel when I think about the ceremony… I think she’s going to be my horse. I have ridden a horse what three times in my life… lol… I never thought I wanted a horse. I think they are gorgeous animals and of course I’d love to get to know them better, but it wasn’t like the first time I saw them I thought… I’m going to have a horse when I grow up… lol… but now… I know I’ll have a horse… I’m going to find this horse and we’re going to be the heart together. Even if it ends up not being part of the expedition… this horses is in my future… lol… and that makes me excited. I’ve been looking into horses more. I volunteered with a guy in the village in Colorado. He has a company who does trail rides in Colorado in the summer and then Texas in the winter. He thought I just wanted to learn how to ride a horse, but I told him I want to know how to take care of a horse. What do they need? So he let me feed and water them and also brush them… I’d muck their..lol… I again don’t have the vocabulary in this area.. but the corral maybe yeah I think that’s what it’s called… hehe… I saw the different types of horses there.. not all of them but a good variety of them. I also gained some experiences with mules too. I’m not sure what type of breed she will be… I know when I was searching different breeds of horses… I thought I might be leaning towards a draft horse. Let’s see what I can find real quick to explain the breed a bit… Ok here’s a website: https://horses.animal-world.com/Draft-Horse-Breeds/information/draft-horses.php The article is titled, “All About Draft Horses.” I like to simply describe them as gentle giants. The article starts, “Draft Horses are very strong, heavy workhorses with a patient and docile demeanor! Draft Horses are the largest of the horse breeds. They were bred for hard, heavy tasks… The Draft horse breeds are called cold blood horse breeds in reference to their quiet and calm temperament. Heavy horse breeds weigh 1600 pounds or more. They stand about 15.2 to 20 hands high from the ground to their withers, where one hand equals 4 inches. They are slower, but much more powerful than the light horse breeds…Draft horses are tall in stature, heavy boned, and extremely muscular.The personality of the Draft horses is sweet tempered. They have a natural curiosity and willingness to learn, which has led to their being well suited to a variety of pursuits. For pleasure they are used for driving, trail riding, parades, and showing. Draft horses make wonderful companion horses and are favored for their docile demeanor… They are proud, alert, and intelligent and they are noted for having common sense… Most Draft horses are easy keepers. They are not particularly prone to health problems. Good grooming is essential, however, as their coats can get heavy in cold climates… With their calm personalities some are used for therapeutic riding programs, helping people with disabilities learn to walk by the feel of the horse's movement. Draft horses are often crossed with lighter breeds to create a large light horse. By adding the strength of the draft horse, it creates a durable competitive sport horse.” I’m not sure why… but i seem to be drawn to the gentle giant type. Again I’m uncertain if this is what she’ll be, but it is fun to start exploring more about these amazing animals. I asked myself if I had a horse what would I want their lives to be like. To be honest mostly as a pet I would say… lol.. I’d like them to be wild and free and able to explore and play. I’d like to create a close bond. I cannot find the location I found a few months back, but it’s building a relationship with the horse instead of training a horse. Again I mostly want it to be a horse but I want to create a horse-man-relationship… so horsemanship that we both find a way to communicate and we both benefit from our relationship together. I’m sure I’ll want to ride her, I might even use her for some work, I’ll probably want to dance with her… lol… I know getting to know her will be therapeutic and will help me understand myself more and my relationship to not only the horse, but in all relationships. There was a part of my vision that I saw my spiritual lover sitting on top of a horse… it seemed like there might have been a small row of horses behind him. I have to say he looked mighty sexy on that horse…lol… but I saw that we all were a really good team. Oh man… I remember when I was in this vision I got the feeling… that I was starting something… like a project and I started doing all the research into it and just getting it up and going… and then it seemed my spiritual lover stepped in… we didn’t need to say anything really… I allowed him to take the lead because I trusted him… and well we trusted each other. The whole message about not needing to say anything really sang to me strongly… I felt like a part of me was wanting to ask questions or even create some type of label on our relationship…lol… but when we were together.. it wasn’t necessary… it just all fell into place naturally without having to say a thing. It was even like the team we were working with didn’t need an explanation of our relationship… it was just known. It is what it is. That part of the vision wasn’t at least remembered the first time I saw the horse. The first time started like the second time.. I’m just staring at this beautiful dark horse… she’s so big and beautiful… she’s hardly moving just looking back at me with her hair softly blowing in the wind…with her deep piercing eyes. Right now I feel my whole chest area slightly vibrating and feels like it’s warm… I’m really looking forward to learning more about horses and finding her… lol… I’m not sure how my little buddy Elvis with think about this… lol… he doesn’t know that when I get some land… I want to extend our furry family to horses and dogs probably… and maybe mules and goats.. who knows really… I’m not sure I’d call it a farm but something similar.. i think. I was laughing at myself… because if i do go on this expedition I was wondering if I’m going to be taking my little buddy with me… lol… First I thought no.. that would be too dangerous and a lot of work… but of course I’m like… I’ve got time to train him… build a stronger relationship with trust so maybe he would be able to allow me to carry him while we’re riding on the back of a horse. Who knows… it might just work out… if not that’s fine too… but it doesn’t hurt to dream about it… maybe dreaming about it will help it manifest… well I started with the whole horses…so if they are involved with this expedition then there was a lot I need to learn. Not only will I need to learn what to feed them and how to take care of them, what to do in case of injury… but also our group will have to learn how to be with them too. I don’t think any of the people I know are familiar with horses. So I thought I’d have to do some team building events before we go. Shoot… I didn’t know if our group is going to fall in love with their horses.. so maybe this will be a gift for them to participate in the expedition with me… lol… We have to train in the mountains… I’m not sure what seasons but maybe different seasons depending on where our adventure leads us. I highly doubt we’re going to Everest or anything like that… i guess I don’t know but I don’t think so. I’m guessing there’s a lot of the mountain range that isn’t traveled a lot by people. I’m assuming if there is a water source to be found… again it won’t be on the known tourists routes… but I’m not sure. Also we have to think about the altitude. I know it takes a while for humans to adapt or adjust to the altitude difference in the mountains… maybe it’s the same for horses? I’m not sure. At first I was thinking that the horses and possibly mules would have to also be the pack animals, but I’m not sure if I’m still wanting that. I feel having a helicopter would be handy for the packing loads. Yeah I think we can carry somethings with us, but I think the bulk of the camp would be transported by a helicopter instead. Oh man… I’ve gone so much into how to plan for this… it’s pretty crazy lol… but it’s also fun… I’m not even sure how to describe all that I’ve been thinking of, but I’ll give it a go, but I feel like I’m getting tired now and I think this would be a good time to take a break… until next time, then…

Alright today we had a really good time at the state park. It’s a smaller park so we were able to take all the trails… It was interesting to find a little more out about this gentleman. He has worked on different projects involving forestry and so I was able to ask some questions I had on my mind in the areas he had participated in. I did not get his permission to discuss our conversation so I’m not going to go into detail, but I did enjoy myself. Because we had not had time to have conversations before we were mostly talking instead of really exploring the natural setting. When I’m on my own that’s what I tend to do… I love taking my time and sitting in places especially here was along a river and if I return I would spend more time along the river. I’d also like to take some time to take photos too. We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant to eat afterwards, and again it was interesting… lol… I do want to mention one thing… lol.. we were talking about meditation into active meditation or karma yoga meditation. I was trying to give him my explanation of what this is and while I was talking to him I could notice that he was distracted and not really listening.. lol… I even mentioned the first time I started meditation and when I found myself absorbed into a thought that all my senses seemed to disappear… I said I used sound as a simple sense to help me be present but when I get engulfed in a thought sound disappears. I mentioned I can tell when people get lost in thought when I’m trying to have a conversation with him… we both laughed because he said.. ok yes I admit that I have a tendency to look at someone while we’re chatting but I’m looking right through them so I can be in my thoughts… lol.. I laughed and said that’s perfectly fine. I’ve been there and it doesn’t happen nearly as often as I once was. But I did want to go back to my basics of karma yoga. I think maybe some may benefit from practicing a bit in their spiritual conscious building habits… maybe… it’s been helpful for me so I thought I might share just a little from the manual I referenced before. “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya,” by Swami Satyananda Saraswati. Karma yoga is the yoga of action or work. Its aim is to bring about integration, harmony and union through action. It is a yogic path that is open to everyone, for we all have to work and perform various activities, whether physical or mental. In fact, it is most suitable for the modern, activity oriented world and is ideal for those of us who find it easier to do something than nothing… It is through karma yoga that we can start to practice yoga twenty-four hours a day using our actions as a means to gain higher awareness… The regular practice of yoga techniques for a fixed time every day brings many benefits. Yet one should try to practise yoga throughout the whole day. This is possible through karma yoga. Asanas, pranayama, meditation techniques, etc. bring wonderful results, experiences and knowledge, but one must relate these inner experiences, obtained during these practices, to everyday life… There is a tendency to think that work cannot possibly be yoga, and of course mere work is not yoga. Karma yoga implies something far greater and more profound than work. It implies selfless, concentrated actions, with awareness… It is the inner experience that is important, and this is something that cannot be conveyed by words. Swami Satyananda, like his guru Swami Sivananda, affirms and emphasizes the importance of karma yoga in order to know the experience of meditation. He proclaims, “One should do one task at a time. Total absorption in any work will gradually train the mind to forget its usual fickleness and unsteadiness. If you plunge into the work at hand with undivided keenness and attention, you will derive great help in meditation.” It continues to say…The motto of karma yoga is to: give-give-and give. The prevailing motto in the world is the opposite, namely to: take-take-and take more. It is this latter attitude that prevents progress in the spiritual life and the experience of meditation. All the great spiritual teachers throughout history preached that one should reduce and eventually eliminate all actions and thoughts that are motivated by personal gain. Of course, this takes time and cannot be done overnight, yet it is absolutely necessary, if one it to eliminate the power of the ego, the obstacle or the veil with prevents the influx of higher consciousness… The world of karma, actions, thoughts, situations and circumstances is a testing ground. It is a place where one can find out about oneself. It is a workshop, where the mind-body instrument can be sharpened and made receptive to the influx of higher knowledge and awareness. It is in the world that we can test if the psychophysical blade needs sharpening. If it is blunt, which is usually the case, it is through the world of everyday experiences that it can be sharpened to cut through the veil of ignorance. The word is to be used as a means to tuning the mind-body complex. (Hmmm… I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m having a little issue with this entry. I had written some of my thoughts down, but as I was typing the website would reset on me. I went to see if everything was erased and good thing not all of it was erased, but still quite a bit was erased… so I’m going to probably try to post more often maybe? I’ll go ahead and finish my thoughts on karma yoga and then start another response to go back to the excavation project.) So I was saying… this explanation of karma yoga I feel gives a good explanation on how I can explain spirituality for me. It’s not separate from anything I do. Everything I am experiencing helps me gain higher awareness. In this forum and in others sitatuions I hear people asking where they should focus their attention first… should it be their spirituality, their purpose, their financials, their sexual relationship… where? I hear people answering at times… well maybe right now don’t focus on your spirituality… there’s so much you need to do to be able to focus on that. I chuckle to myself, because again… well first of all I haven’t been able to just stop everything and focus on one thing at a time… I can focus most of my attention in this area, but then this area comes into play, and little of that and a little of this area… they seem to all be entangled. And when it comes to spirituality… that is always present and involved, if we want to be aware of it. I think because I put my spirituality as my main focus it was easier for me to work on everything at once… with tendencies to focus a little more on a certain area but not with absolute exclusion of everything else in my experience. Ok… I want to go ahead and get back to the excavation project. To make sure I don’t lose anything. I’ll go ahead and post and then continue another entry.

Ok… I’m still thinking about what I was writing earlier this morning.. hehe… I got a nap in after my nephew’s soccer game… went to the recycling center, picked up my stepmom’s car, dropped the car off, donated items, picked up some fruit and water from store. A friend of mine knew I’ve been donating a lot of stuff lately so he reached out to see if I could help him too. He doesn’t have a vehicle right now and he can get rid of quite a bit of clothes and items too. I told him that we should be able to work something out. I plan on donating on Saturdays because I’ll already be in the city for the games, but if he wants to fill up the car then we can arrange for another day. He said he’ll get back with me. That is a very common response… hehe… many have the best intentions to purge, because they really do want to minimize their belongings; however, to actually do it is something else entirely. I’ve done this with several of my friends before and I just have to constantly remind them… hey I”m going to donate… do you have any stuff ready to go? After a while they usually get some things to take. I know it’s way more effective to actually go and help, but I”m just not feeling it right now. I really just want to focus on mine and my dad’s stuff. I’m actually pretty much finished, except for my sewing supplies… I’m still in the air if I want to get rid of two of my machines and possibly some supplies. I’m already starting on the fabrics… hehe. I thought there might’ve been a gentleman who might want a sewing machine for his leather work. We didn’t know if my machines are strong enough and I said we can give it a try, but he decided to wait until he can find an older machine first. I told him it might be gone soon… hehe.. Anyway I started to look up details about the excavation… honestly this is where I’m in the “what the hell do I actually have to do to get this done”… paperwork, certificates, permits… this is not in my comfort zone. First of all I looked up mining rules for Peru and I found a website which was in English… it seemed like there was a lot of information, and I’m not certain if most of it applies to our project. Before I got to this website, I did a quick search on what to do once gemstones are found… because I don’t know that either… But I read some information on the US land rights, and there’s a lot of information that if we happen to find gemstones on our property doesn’t automatically mean it’s our property.,, lol… so I thought great… what are the laws in Peru? So the website I stumbled across is Lexology: “Mining in Peru” https://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=1f774464-ebcc-4949-97f4-80d4271ec26e. Here’s from their about us page: “Lexology, the intelligent global legal research platform, provides easy access to forward-looking analysis, expert guidance and intuitive tools, helping you stay abreast of change and respond quickly and accurately to legal questions from around the world.” So… there’s a lot to read and most of it I honestly don’t really understand…lol… this was similar when I was looking up how to open a nonprofit foundation… it’s just unfamiliar territory for me… I’ll have to look up definitions left and right. But things I mentioned that are going to apply to our situation that I think needs to be addressed. LOL… this is too funny… I knew I was going to talk about this, but I already sent out a general questionnaire to the government party who is supposed to be in charge of granting permission. I get excited and I feel it shouldn’t be a big deal to reach out and ask for help… but of course that was impulsive and it would’ve been more effective it I actually processed everything before sending the message. The thing is I could have made it easier for them… instead of giving them a general statement, but again… shouldn’t be a problem really, but we’ll see if and when they respond. Back to what might apply to our situation. This might be special circumstances because the land is on indigenous lands and may have special protections. Ok wait… I started copying and pasting from this website but I feel I should explain things for the reason I am going in this direction. First of all I honestly would not want to deal with the legalities of our project… lol… right… it’s much easier to for my shaman, his family, a few friends, and myself to just do the digging, find what we’re looking for, and then go from there…lol…sounds reasonable to me personally. However, if by chance we find something of value… say those Amber-like stones may possibly have some value and I’d like my shaman and his family to be able to not have any issues of obtaining the rights to them and also if they want to sell them then they won’t have any problems verifying it’s their property. Also in the back of my mind I know how much they will want to get money especially if there is something of value we find. I’m wanting to discuss with them that if there is something valuable… I’d really discourage going crazy digging up the land to possibly find more valuable objects that might or might not exist. I’d like to see if we can get an agreement where it’s similar to our situation… we would not be digging if I didn’t receive a message in ceremony. So I’d hope they won’t be digging unless they’ve received messages too. They are more on the side of lack mentality when it comes to finances and they might assume this will be the only way they can get money… and I’m trying to encourage them… that this is not primarily a financial pursuit. To be honest and frank… there’s no proof that my visions are even true, but I feel it’s not going to impact the land enough to harm their property and ecosystem that’s been established. I do not intend to destroy the property. My intentions are not for profit. This is primarily a spiritual pursuit. When I received this message… I’d like to focus on the main rock that I was shown. And when I saw the other stones… there was a message that might lead to selling them for money. I have no clue what I’m going to be doing with the rock I am focused on. Again I got a message about communication… so literally I’m going to be working with it in ceremony to see what that means if anything. I had thought another huge communication possibility of finding this rock is actually something I would love to share with everyone. Let’s say this isn’t some crazy vision in the jungle… let’s say I use Aya ceremonies to find this rock… I want to share this discovery… not the discovery of the rock, but validating the use of Aya as a valid practice for spirituality and beyond. Again I’ve been hearing about Aya communicating to shamans to find things such as master plants and how to find them and even how to combine them… that’s how I hear the combination of the Aya root and the chacruna leaves were found. And not just in this area of the Amazon, but throughout several villages and cultures throughout the Amazon combined similarly with the Aya root… when there wasn’t easy access to communicate with other tribes or even a desire maybe. I’m actually getting a message on finding rocks and I hope to use ceremony on how to find them. I’m getting other messages which is going to take us to other locations on the planet, where again might frown upon the usage of Aya as a valid form or spiritual practices. If I get to the expedition sometime… I’ll further discuss what I’m saying. But if I can record and document this process in a more acceptable scientific and legal way… maybe that can help with the proof that most of society looks for to accept something that is unusual to us. Again… I’ve been shown things I wouldn’t have imagined before… but all I’m curious about is what is it that we really have no clue is possible. What if more of our collective is drawn to this practice… what other discoveries can we find hidden in ceremony? I want to be an extremely positive and wellness influence to myself which is ultimately the universe… I’d assume working with Aya… the collective drawn to work in similar fashions will also gain these qualities too. If I find out that I am to sell this to also gain monetary gain to be able to fund the expedition… then I want to have proof that this is my property to be able to be sold as well. I’ve spoken to some people about this… and some’s first response it… well isn’t this just symbolism… there’s not really rocks to find, but they represent something else. I said that is quite possible, but my gut tells me that isn’t the case. But to be honest why can’t I give it a go? Why not? Again many people have many excuses to why we do the things we do… well that would include myself. I’m probably the most curious of anyone out there. Again I know that I don’t have to focus on the destination… it just continues to another destination… there’s not a finally point I’m going to… I know that the process is where the magic is. If I don’t find any rocks… I will not be upset because it’s already pushing me to explore areas I hadn’t before and that excites me. I’ve been able to link my past with who I am now… so this process will link me to who I am becoming… so it’s not a failure to me. Of course I’ll probably get some… what are they called trollers? Who will be waiting for me to fail in their eyes… just to say we have proof she is a crazy lady… lol… and what if I am? I do feel at times I’m quite crazy… lol… but I find it fun to be who I am and whatever label people want to place on me won’t stop me from exploring who i am fully. It is impossible for me to ignore these messages. Lol… I know I said I don’t use the word impossible… but that’s how extreme theses messages are for me. I literally tried to do the “normal” life and I just couldn’t do it… I literally have isolated myself for 6 months and I’ll continue to do it until I figure out how to move forward with these visions. Believe me when I say this is challenging because of the collective’s opinion on my choices of my life. I have friends who are asking… what’s your plans? what are you going to do? Are you going back to Colorado? Did you get the job in Alaska? When are you going back to Peru? Definite answers of exact dates are not in my awareness right now. I’m working that out right now. Do I feel pressure that the summer season is right around the corner and within six weeks I could be working seasonal jobs to make money to get this project started? Yes I feel the pressure and I’m trying to be conscious that the pressure is from my unconscious conditioning. It has a remembered idea of what this time of year means. It has a conditioning of go get it done… this is what has worked in the past… just go! Go do it! Lol… and I’ve literally been getting messages in ceremony when I’m in an elevated conscious state that i need and want to learn and appreciate patience! Patience! Patience! Patience! Lol… that’s been constantly communicated… and as I feel I’m working on it… it continues to come into my messages… so there’s more and more patience I can embody… and again it’s not like ok I’m finally and ultimately patient… lol… it continues to be deeper and deeper into the message of patience. There’s not a bottom or a top to patience… if we see patience as infinite… then I’m always in the middle but somehow it feels like I’m getting better at becoming patient… lol. Ok I feel I need to get that out real quick before I go on. So again what applies to our situation? The first thing comes to me is the cultural concern I’m working with a group that is classified indigenous and their territories I think are classified differently too. “Rights of aboriginal, indigenous or disadvantaged peoples How do the rights of aboriginal, indigenous or currently or previously disadvantaged peoples affect the acquisition or exercise of mining rights? The protection of rights of indigenous and tribal people do not affect the acquisition or exercise of mining rights. However, the Peruvian government has adopted the ILO Convention 169 by which titleholders shall consult indigenous communities domiciled in areas located in projects on previous matters. The government controls the process of prior consultation.” I’m going to look up the ILO Convention 169, but before I do… Just by other research I’ve looked into with indigenous and their land rights in the Amazon… it’s tricky because many of these lands are not documented. There’s not a lot of legal proof that this land is theirs… why there are some who are taking indigenous land without permission… setting up farms or illegally mining without much penalties or at least having issues legally being persecuted because of this. So maybe before I go into the ILO Convention 169… Can I find information on how to see what documentation the government has for this village? (Ok… before I proceed… lol… I can’t help myself, but I don’t think Ive mentioned this either… I’m really drawn to getting to know the indigenous and aboriginal communities throughout the world. I didn’t even realize this until fairly recently… I’m very close indigenous in my blood. My Samoan blood is indigenous and maybe because I was living there when I was a child… it may have had influences that I didn’t know was so deep… but I know this is helping a desire that I want to continue to pursue… how to better understand the rights of indigenous and for my interest… validate their spiritual practices. In my opinion because they had a little more experience separated from society… their practices seem to be genuinely involved without many influences… Geesh! This was a challenge to write because again… this is an old thought that was conditioned into… how can I look at this in my reprogramming… In my opinion our indigenous communities had more experience in isolation with our environment. Because I’m interested in being inclusive with our environment, I’m interested in learning spiritual practices and communication techniques that have been found in our indigenous communities. I know with the way I learn, I will find how to integrate my spiritual practices and techniques with what I learn. Honestly I do that already, but I’m more curious about indigenous… lol… we’re just drawn to focus in areas… does there have to be a reason for it?) Geesh! I apologize… had to take a break again… I continue to be reminded about my obsessive habits… lol… when I get like this I know it’s a challenge in the past to remember to eat and sleep… lol… so I went ahead and grabbed a bite to eat. I was also engaged in a conversation with a new guy who I met dancing. He’s been trying to meet up and I’ve been making excuses not only to him but to many people that I’m absorbed in my Journaling process and i find that that’s where I want to place my focus. But as I was cooking I started thinking… I’m wanting to attract people into my existence. I’m hoping to find people who can help me through my process and this is one reason I’m finding out why I’m doing a public journal right now, but I also know that the people in my direct experience are just as valuable. He seems very interesting and I really enjoy his engagements in communication. He’s involved and not abrupt in his communications so I feel it will be easy to have conversations with him. He wants to go to a state park, and I know I’d definitely enjoy myself regardless if I go by myself or when I’m with someone. But that’s a great location to find opportunities to get to know each other more. I told him about my journaling and he wanted to get the link so he can read it. I went ahead and shared the link…lol… he’ll definitely get an open book to who I am… if he is interested in actually reading it… lol… I know there’s a lot to digest. But I realize most people don’t have as much free time as I do. I have the entire week free to put my focus on my process and he’s only available during the weekends… so I can take some time tomorrow to enjoy getting to know someone new and also enjoy nature. It’s going to be the coldest day of the month, but that shouldn’t be a stopper lol… I sent a message and I’ll see what he says… lol… He definitely doesn’t know who he’s trying to get involved with… lol… we’ll see where it leads. I also want to mention… my little buddy helps me take breaks from time to time… I want to be better at taking time with him. There’s many times where he loves his own space, but when he wants attention… I want to not be too busy to not give him my energy. I want to build a relationship with him more… so giving my attention is not hard to do. He’s not a needy little guy so it’s not like most of my time is giving him attention… lol… just a little acknowledgement. That’s the thing… as these things come up into my experience… i feel like this might not be the time to digest all the legal work… lol… I have many rules I’ve copied and paste… however it’s been hard for me to get to them. Maybe I’m not aligned to really take a look at it at this time… even though I’d like to, but my focus seems to want to be elsewhere. We’ll see how it goes. Hmmm… maybe I’ll go ahead and finish for tonight. Ok… until next time then

Ok.. so I’ve working on purging and organizing… lol… I’ve been messaging friends and I tell them the exciting things I’m doing… lol… they want to know my plans and they want to get together… and part of me is like… ummm… right now I’m just focused on this right now. I’ve been enjoying it.. lol… I look around my dad’s place and I’m like how in the world am I going to get this all done, but I’ll do what I can until I don’t want to…lol… many of them admit that’s what they need to do too. I know some of them and one in particular.. I’ve helped for two summers to help him at his house and garage… lol. He’s been in Mexico for the winter and he’s only going to be in Colorado for three months before he goes to Scotland for his first time and then around Europe he said for a month. I wish he didn’t put a timeline on it. He’s retired… just enjoy himself and see what happens, but I’m curious if he’ll continue to tackle his place or not.. lol… I did a pretty good job at getting him started, but yeah… it’s going to be more effective if he actually does it… so he can get the rewards of purging. That’s what I think about my pops too, but I know it looks like a big mess that just is too much work. So I know again… I don’t want to do it all… I’d like for him to have a good start and hopefully he’ll feel like it’s easier to tackle… but we’ll see. That’s the thing… I get one space pretty much done… then I go to another space and to clear that space… I find a place things in the first space… lol… I always have to tell them that it’s a process… at least I have an area where I can organize and sort. My dad actually has quite a bit of space in total… it’s getting to the point where everything is going to have a place instead of just stacking on top of each other. The garage… geesh! I hit it hard last fall and I go back in now and it’s like I feel like nothing was done it’s such a wreck. But I still had some of my things I was working on last fall… and when it comes to my things I’m like ok I don’t need this… let’s get rid of this and there’s only a few tools that I’m going to use for art projects… but I also can leave them for my pops too. But when I see all my dad’s stuff… I have to question everything… lol… Again it’s not like he’s eager to go through things. Half of me is like… just get rid of it because he won’t even know it’s missing… lol.. and then the half is like… he likes to explore and tinker… maybe i should keep some things to keep his mind occupied. There’s a balance I’m trying to figure out. So yeah I’m getting better acquainted with the town’s recycling and dump to figure out what I can put everything. There are larger recycling centers in the cities… so I’m still debating of getting my cousin’s truck to take a few trips to dispose all the appliances… the tv’s, the computers, the stereos, the vacuums, the fans… lol.. so much stuff it’s crazy. Really makes me want to be more deliberate with my material purchases… lol… I remember when I first started clearing inside the house he made the comment that it’s feeling bare… lol… maybe there’s too much space… to me I don’t know if that’s even possible… lol.. I love space! Well I hope to really change the garage… makes me curious how he’s going to deal with it… lol… we had a conversation when I first arrived about thinking about who’s going to have to clean up after him. I wasn’t being too harsh, but I was like dad… you know I”m going to be the one that’s going to have to take care of all of this. I won’t care really… that’s why I’m doing it now, but I just want him to have an easier life… lol… I know if it’s clean and organized it’ll be good for him. But he’s created habits so I’m not sure how he’ll choose to handle it. Well I’m getting a better idea on what to do if I have to come back and do it again.. lol. Hopefully not, but we’ll see. He’s actually got a great creative mind and I can’t wait to see what he ends up doing with it. That’s why I want to keep things for him to work with…lol… maybe I’m enabling him, but why not… he likes his little world and I want him to enjoy himself as much as he will allow. So I try to compare things I do in the waking world to my personal development. What comes to mind is my mind’s clutter. I mentioned earlier that since I’ve been purging on this Journal it feels like I’m creating more space in my mind.. it seems like I had so many old stories that was taking up space. It felt like I almost cleared it up years ago, but then there was a few items of those stories that I just moved to another area and then it’s like I forgot it was still occupying my mind. As I was purging out here.. I was like oh shit… this still is here… but yeah I don’t have any need for this anymore… so again for me right now… it’s like let’s just trash it or donate or recycle it… whatever… but it almost feels like I should be able to look at the thoughts in my mind that I do want to hold on to, because it’s something I’m working to manifest. It feels like possible before the purge, purification, and integration towards a better understanding how I’m operating now. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t trust my thoughts completely before the purge.. lol… I feel like I’ll be able to view it differently. I already know some of these messages about participating in activities that’s going to use some planning and people and situations I’ve never done before…. It’s much easier to feel like it’s all going to work out. When I first went through these experiences in ceremonies… a part of me was like.. ok you know this is going to work out that’s why I’m getting these messages, but then a larger part was just overwhelmed and wanted to start planning right away and I didn’t know where to start either… so it really stunted forward movement, but that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to stop and rest. Now that I’ve been purging I feel like I can address it in a more calm manner. Again I might not have the answers right now, but I do have more confidence. Those ceremonies were just so different… they weren’t a short term goal… I know these are long term… when I say long-term I feel I can be doing my expedition within around five years. Yes, I’m hopeful… if it takes longer, then that’s how long it takes. But earlier ceremonies I could find things that I could do relatively quickly… lol… but honestly not all of them was as quick as I hoped… lol… that’s why I also know the timing is what it is. I think I’m going to see what I can process from them again.. take another look maybe I can add to them.. I don’t know. I apologize if I’m repeating myself but that’s just how I work when I’m trying to find a solution. So I’ll take a look at the excavating message. So if you’re not familiar with Aya ceremonies… and honestly I don’t know if it’s the same for other, but for me… there are times where it’s like I’m waiting for my awareness to notice something. It’s been there waiting for me patiently until I finally have my consciousness open enough to receive the information. So let’s see if I can describe it. In the ceremony we can say it’s close to pitch black. I don’t remember if I had my eyes opened or closed… regardless it was pitch black and possibly my mind was wandering I don’t know… I can try to compare it to a meditation session. If we’ve tried meditation… sometimes it’s easy to be aware of a thought… especially if it’s a small thought and we just observe. But when we really get caught up in the thought.. then our awareness isn’t observing it anymore it’s got sucked up into the thought to where we cannot even use our senses any longer… I use that at times to keep me in the present moment is to listen… and when I get lost into thought I can hear anything anymore… it has to be something very jarring to wake me out of my consumption of my thought… lol.. so it might’ve been the same thing in ceremony… well… actually my awareness gets a boost in ceremony… so I’m assuming I was finishing the message before this started… especially the case with me… I was probably being an active vessel for infinite intelligence to work through. In fact I was leading the ceremony with six other guests. It was amazing and I realize there was still time for me to get my own messages without leading… that’s great when we work with groups that can work on themselves. Any way.. it was pitch black and waiting for me to be aware… and that’s what it felt like it did… all of a sudden I was looking at a rock.. i think. It was a pretty good size… it was maybe a little lighter than black and I’m not sure but it did look like a few spots on the rock seemed like it could glimmer… maybe like metallic. So it wasn’t like it completely stood out from the emptiness… but there was an outline and I sat there looking and trying to gather as much information about it. Right.. I didn’t know what this was going to lead me so I try to be as observant as I can… but at this time it really took it’s time for me to look at it… so it was the focus. I am not familiar with rocks… lol… so I have no clue what type of rock this is… lol… what I thought was it was a meteorite or something like that… lol… but I have no clue. I don’t even know if I got the message at this time or later, but I got a message that this is tied to communication. It didn’t go into details what that meant.. I just heard communication. My first thought would be able to use this rock into ceremony to assist in my communication somehow. It’s a little odd because I see grids or converging lines on different planes to see how the Icaros can weave around the entire ceremonial space… it doesn’t seem like it would be a problem to get every inch of the space. I’ve also been able to help guests who are outside of the ceremonial space too… so how can it help with communication? Well there is times.. well especially with this particular ceremony I was leading the gentlemen that were in ceremony, but I know I was talking to other guests who were not physically present. It’s hard to explain and I’m not trying to convince anyone… I just know how I feel and how I work and so that’s what I thought might be the communication…. I’ll be able to connect in a deeper way to guests who aren’t present. There were times where I ask people who are present who are ready to work together… and even call them to let them know I’m ready whenever they are. A lot of the times I don’t know who I’m calling… a few times I know who I am calling… but regardless I find myself doing it in ceremony… and believe me it’s shocking when I start to do it, because I feel like.. can this really be happening… am I connecting to people who aren’t sharing ceremony with me right now. But I’m telling you there is so much we don’t know… so I just continue. So I thought maybe that’s what the communication may mean. And honestly I had a hope that I’d be able to sing my Icaros into this rock to amplify. I feel like my Icaros is already powerful but it’s still developing. I absolutely know without a doubt how powerful my shamans I work with are with their Icaros. Honestly there’s varying degrees of strength but specifically the shaman I had my first dieta with has had one of the top strength with his Icaros. When he was sharing ceremonies with his female partner… I don’t think they officially got married, but I still see them as a married couple. But those two together… wow… there hasn’t been another shaman(s) who’s have been able to such a commanding strength with their Icaros then they did. I’m blessed my first ten ceremonies were with them. I know I shouldn’t, but I still have a little part of me wishes I could’ve gotten more time with the female shaman. It was a shock to many of us to lose her so soon. It’s so hard to digest that… I know she still exists but I’m so accustomed to living a life where I’d have to see them in my physical presence to be aware of them… but I don’t know if that’s the case all the time. When people are what we say alive but they live around the world.. I know they influence me. Why wouldn’t I see that in someone who what we say dies doesn’t influence me. I know my grandparents and my stepdad who has passed… they still influence me… so maybe I just need to be more open to looking at this differently. It’s not like I’ve had a direct experience with this… but I am more open to having messages or maybe I don’t need messages… but she’s influencing me. I thought maybe I’d get a message in ceremony or something. It hasn’t happened yet or again… that’s not something I’m going to learn… but I’m open to whatever the case will be. Whew! I keep thinking the collective is the collective in the physical aspect of our perception… but why is that the case? Hmmm… I hadn’t thought about this before. Maybe that’s why consciousness continues to mature and elevate regardless of the physical collective experiencing it. In my understanding… the nonphysical is highly loving, conscious, intelligent, and patient... and that’s always in the background always. It’s not really in the background… it’s just existing with us now and here. I know this whole paradigm I’ve been living most of my life where I’m separate from everything has really been engrained into my system…. Lol.. I know that’s going to be one of the toughest challenges to reprogram. I don’t want to say it’s going to be tough.. because It doesn’t have to… I want it to be easy and effortless. I have to increase my awareness to recognize when I’m communicating in my conditioning or from my reprogramming. I’m trying more to call myself out at things that I find easier to say because it’s been like I’ve said it so much that it comes out… and while it’s coming out… a part of me is like… hey now.. wait… I know better now… so address it and adjust it to where it’s my truth now. Continuing to repeat the truth that I know that is different from my past will allow it to flow easier. But I’m aware that as I change so will my communication. Starting to be more deliberate… continue to be more deliberate. I know I’m not separate from the Universe… so there’s nothing that is separate in my experience, but even when it’s not in my direct experience… it continues to influence me. I know when I heard the videos where Leo said that scientist think they are observing something as if they are separate from that something. I had thought I had a pretty good understanding of what that was, but it’s only been clicking clearer recently. When I was responding to people specifically in this Forum… I could see that I was trying to separate the person who I was responding to, but I couldn’t… I could see that I was observing and also engaging and so I was entangled with them… not separate from them. When I was giving a comment or advise.. I also saw that I wasn’t just talking to the person.. I was talking to myself and I was also talking to us. We are entangled.. we are not separate… very much involved…lol… in fact I’m trying to change using the words they and you… lol… and that’s been tricky… lol. Again it’s so conditioned into my system, but in my head if I use these words it’s when I’m assuming I’m separate from whom I’m speaking with. I even thought was there ever a language that didn’t use these words? Was there a time where humans were inclusive with their language and speech? Maybe when we were in the smaller village communities, but when we saw a new or different village…. We might have created an exclusive words to create separation? I assume that we were more spiritually connected to the land, elements, and animals… did we always see it as something separate from ourselves? Right… I’m not just saying that humans are entangled and are not separate… Nothing is separate when we are experiencing it is easier to get an understanding. Right we wouldn’t be able to experience our environment regardless of the details of our experience… if we aren’t there then that experience wouldn’t exist in that moment for us. But yet does that mean it doesn’t exist? It might be something similar to what I experience in my art… it exists.. it’s just waiting to be created. In my art work.. I feel like there is infinite possibilities… It just depends on what I want to focus on and probably my conscious state to what becomes the creation. This makes me wonder what it would be like living in this physical existence with us all being inclusive instead exclusive. If I continue my habit to reprogram my communication to be inclusive… when I start raising my children… we will have that language and perspective from the beginning of their experience. The children wouldn’t have the same experience that I had… but when did that even start to happen for me? Hmmm… interesting was it already developing when I started looking at things or was it when I started learning the language to distinguish what all these things were? It’s like I don’t even know where to pinpoint that moment, because it was maybe never a conscious moment where I saw I was actively involved with the environment… well I definitely wasn’t being taught this either… lol. (Alright nice… again I allow myself to just go with it.. I didn’t know what I was going to find tonight… interesting… but let’s continue the ceremony… and see where it goes from there… happy I’m getting some new thoughts to explore) As I was observing the rock… I started to observe things behind the rock… they started to emerging and again… it’s like stones or even crystals… I’m not sure exactly. I haven’t made a study of rocks even though I feel they are super cool with all the variations I’ve found, but I hadn’t gotten to the point of studying them. These stones were significantly smaller than the solo rock I was originally focused. And there were many of these smaller stones. They also were colored warm… lol.. not sure but burnt orang-ish… my first thought was as if they were Amber stones maybe. I didn’t seem to really focus on them long… because the vision started moving outward it started showing these stones in the depth of the dirt. It was as if we had already dug for them… I can’t say how deep it was, but it didn’t see my like it was crazy deep… there was not a person standing there to give me a perception of scale but I remember seeing the trees on top of the land… and it looked similar to like a trench.. if I had to give it a guess I’d say about six feet deep… around there. So when I saw this I knew this isn’t digging with shovels.. lol… I’d have to get some type of heavy equipment to do the excavation. I mean technically we could dig, but I don’t particularly want to spend months digging… I helped clear a walkway through the land and that was tough enough with all the roots from the plants and trees… I don’t feel like dealing with that honestly. i visited the closest small city from this village and I saw excavating equipment, which is where I’ll probably have to rent the equipment for the dig. The vision moved to the specific spot on where it was on the property of my shamans land. It gave me enough detail for me to know where it was. I’ve taken some good time walking on his property and this particular area he had already started clearing because he build a hut there already. So it wasn’t like in the middle of his property where everything would look similar. But as the vision continued… the entire plane.. the picture of the location collapsed on itself and stretched into lines and it was as if I started riding the moving lines and we entered into a bottle of Ayahuasca. That’s when I got the message to get more details for this message was to put my intentions into Aya and have ceremonies to get answers. I don’t think it took long for me to receive this message. I know I continued to lead the ceremony afterwards and there was so much going on that I almost forgot about it. We all ate the following day in that small city because three of us were returning to Pucallpa on the fast boat. After we ate… it came back into my memory. My friend was there to translate for me and I told him about it.. to tell the shaman. I told him that it’s not something we’ll be doing right away, but we’ll talk about it when it comes time. That was what was so great… neither of them doubted or questioned me when I told them. But I also had no doubts either. We shared a deep experience the following night… and possibly because I was leading they got a better picture of what I bring to the table. My shaman without hesitation said.. after I told him around the area we will be digging.. he said he knew something was there… that’s why he had already started clearing it out, but he didn’t know what was there. It’s heading out to what he calls the Anaconda tree.. which is gigantic gorgeous tree… it’s absolutely phenomenal… maybe the largest tree I’ve ever seen which has huge roots flowing everywhere. So that might be something we can add to the excavation… maybe make it easier to be able to visit the Anaconda tree. There’s a little water that collects there too which creates mosquitoes… we could probably work on that too… i don’t know what could be a solution, but I think I’ve already mentioned since we’re going to have the excavating equipment.. it would be nice to use it for the projects we want to build… make it easier while we can. So… again… I haven’t participated or organized an excavation before.. so I can try to figure out what would be needed to prepare for this. Before I even go back to my shaman’s center I want to do dieta before I arrive. So if we’ve been reading from older posts… there was a sexual messages that were faced in an undesirable way. I know dietas ground me more and more the more I digest and integrate with ceremony. My next rounds will not be with the shaman I had the issue with. That’s why I want to have a mapacho dieta… I think I’ll begin with mapacho… again it’s the king of plant medicine in the Amazon.. at least in the areas I’ve visited. It’s known as the grounder, the protector, and the cleanser. I am clueless what all the master plants I can be dieting, but I know I trust I’ll find what I need to find by trusting the shamans I’m drawn to work with. I almost came close to starting with mapacho at the very beginning, because I feel like I have an affinity towards mapacho. I’ve mentioned this before but there’s a shaman who I was introduced to who I haven’t shared ceremony with who’s in Iquitos. He would be my first choice… I really like the entire isolation process he promotes along with carving our own pipes. That sounds up my alley and he was a martial artist and I feel like I really liked his vibe. When I met him he said that most of my energy was in my heart to crown chakras.. lol… which I would agree… but I’ve definitely gotten better, but I keep mentioning that it’s hard for me to ground. I even got a message where people are also grounded… it was like a different species to me… lol… i was like wow… there are people who just are naturally grounded… I wonder what that would feel like… lol… I’m sure there’s benefits and that’s the thing.. I know it’s going to create a better balance for myself. It’s not like I won’t be able to connect to what’s natural for me… I can very airy…lol… let’s see what we can find online about tarot and Air signs… lol… So I’m an Aquarius sun, Libra moon, and Pisces rising. I was introduced to tarot after my first round of ceremony… well I was introduced earlier but I didn’t really get into it, because I thought it was too woo-woo for me… lol… and look at me now.. hehe… anyway… just like most information I hear and read.. I take what resonates with me… sometimes the messages feel like they aren’t resonating, but the tarot readers I listen to are very positive and I’d rather be listening to positivity or music than let’s say the news.. lol. So let’s see If I can let tarot help get a picture of me from my astrology… lol.. it’s fun. So… Aquarius and Libra are Air signs. “Astrological speaking, the element of Air is focused on inhaling mental energy.” It continues, “Air signs are gifted with the ability to concentrate their dynamism on ideas that have not yet come into the material world so that eventually… they do. The element of Air has an intellectual idealism attached to it of course… and sometimes also a high brown superiority complex. Regardless, this is the element that is able to achieve a mental sharpness like no other.” Continuing, “Air signs are known for being more detached and cerebral than others. Air signs aren’t overly emotional, which gives them the ability to think logically and to achieve a broad overview of their idea. Air signs also require extensive freedom of movement in order to express their ideas and individuality. You can never contain an Air sign!” It says, “ Ironically, although the element of Air has little emotion or sensitivity, it is the most social element. How is this possible? Air has the ability to objectively appreciate anyone or any group’s thoughts whether or not they agree with them. The downside of Air is that occasionally, if air remains all “in the head” there’s a chance that it can become mentally imbalanced. That’s when you’ll see an eccentric Air side. If Air overvalues intellect it can become difficult to live in our physical world.” It breaks down a small description on the differences between the Air signs.. I’ll focus on the Aquarius and Libra since they relate directly with my chart. “Aquarius will utilize the element of Air to achieve the most remarkably detached ability to connect all people and every concept.” And then, “Libra will apply the element of Air as a drive to use its intellect in a way that promotes social harmony.” DeSimone, Maria. “About the Air Signs in Astrology: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/air-sign-element. Visited April 22, 2023. For kicks let’s see what it says about Pisces too… which is a Water sign. It starts, “Astrologically, the element of Water exemplifies the variety of bottomless emotion and feeling responses we’re capable of. The feeling nature is at least partly unconscious, and that’s a vital piece of information to help us understand the Water element. What’s interesting about the Water signs are that all of them have an acute awareness of the potency behind the unconscious while also being primarily driven by what they, themselves, are conscious of. Without a doubt, the Water element is the most sensitive and intuitive. This element is capable of nourishing our soul through a deep, psychic understanding of what makes us operate. The element of Water is in touch with the source of creation and can sense that we, too, are a part of this diving birthplace. Water signs are incredibly empathic and can feel the emotions of others.” It continues, “Putting this into an astrological context, we can see that water has unlimited emotional depth and is self-contained. Water is also self-protective. If provoked, it won’t lose a battle with any other element… it prefers to do whatever it takes to guard itself from outside influences. This guarantees a serene place for personal reflection and insight.” Again it breaks down by sign.. so, “Pisces will showcase the element of Water by extending the deepest empathy and healing to everything that suffers.” DeSimone, Maria. “About the Water Signs: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/water-sign-element. Visited April 22, 2023. So this is a general sense of what I might be more likely to be at any given time… and just for comparison purposes… I’d say I struggle with grounding which would be the Earth sign. So let’s see what this site says about it. We can begin with, “Without Earth, we would have nothing to hold us up. No foundation. No support. Earth is attuned to form and matter.” It continues, “This allows Earth an intuitive grasp as to how the material world works… an almost natural understanding. Earth had the ability to use this instinct to ensure physical security is maintained, while also achieving a thorough enjoyment and appreciation of everything the physical world has to offer. Because of these propensities, Earth is the element of patience, stability, commitment, discipline, permanence, and strength. Nothing can grow without these qualities and the end result with Earth is typically prosperity. Earth may be slow and methodical, but it is also ultimately successful. Earth’s tendencies towards being so practical can have its drawbacks. Imagination may be lacking in Earth since the focus is mostly on what can be proven to exist by virtue of what one sees, tastes, touches, feels or hears. An inability to deal with what cannot be explained in our physical universe can limit Earth’s potency and lead to a rigid, narrow minded, materialistic view of life and our world. Still, if Earth can open itself up to that which it cannot sink its teeth into then, its potential to achieve prosperity will enhance tenfold.” DeSimone, Maria. “About the Earth Signs in Astrology: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn.” HTTPS://www.tarot.com/astrology/earth-sign-element. Visited April 22, 2023. So to me that kind of helps explain a little more maybe of how I feel when it comes to groundedness or the lack of at times. And when it comes to the chakra system… the lower half the Solar Plexus, Sacral, and Root chakras to this shaman seemed to be disconnected for me. Again which makes sense… even though I’m actively trying to balance and connect to be at my full potential. That’s why I’d like to start off my return to Peru with this dieta. Now… I found master plant dietas very beneficial.. so I’m also going to be looking to do more and I’m not sure how long that will be or where that will take me. I have a shaman I’ve worked with before who seems to be quite keen to the dieta process. He’s in a village outside of Iquitos… I normally want speak with his son because the shaman isn’t on social media often which is how I communicate. It is interesting that most of the sons of the shamans I work with contact me even if I haven’t met them and want to work with me. I know he went to diet with his dad at the beginning of this year. If I do go to his dad, I’ll be letting him know to see if he can join us. I already got the ok to bring my little buddy Elvis… which is awesome! His son is working in Chile right now.. I guess he gets better pay.. but yeah.. I’d be going to this shaman without a request… I’ll have ceremony for him to decide.. or if he has a sequence he likes to use. As I am participating… I’ll determine how long to stay with him. Again… I want to gain more skills in ceremony.. so I know dieta will allow me to be more grounded in ceremony I share but also when I’m going solo. I feel like I want to continue solo, but hell yeah i need to be more grounded before I do. I’m even thinking when I start the excavation project… I’ll go in solo to see what messages I get before I share or if I even share… I’m not sure how that will all go down. So anyway… there’s a huge boat that takes Peruvians or any other traveler down from the Amazon River through the Ucayali River to Pucallpa. There’s a location that I wanted to visit last time in Contamana for my birthday, but I ended up in a mural project instead. But there’s a gigantic flock of blue, green and red macaws in the Cola de Guacamayos. There’s a short hike to waterfall “El llano de la Anaconda.” I looked around a little bit, but I found a resident on my last trip to Pucallpa who is a student. He said if I ever go to Contamana to please contact him so he can show me around. I couldn’t remember where the macaws were and I found an eco/ cultural tour which sounds pretty cool.. that’s how I found out about the waterfall, but it also mentioned the Aguascalientes Reserve… “In the town of Maquia… to the Union Camp, where is the place to spend the night to go, is a quebrada of cold and hot water with a great content of minerals, whose concentration far exceeds other thermal centers of the country, which make it curative for existing bone diseases such as: Rheumatism, arthritis, osteoporosis and other diseases…” “Contamana-Adventures in the Pearl of Ucayali- All Year.” Turismoi.pe. HTTPS://turismoi.pe/en/tours/Contamana-adventures-in-the-pearl-of-Ucayali-all-year-2014. Visited April 22, 2023. Now… honestly I probably won’t do this tour.. lol.. tour information just lets me know things that exist that I might be interested in visiting. But I much rather not be on their schedule… lol.. I’m sure I can find better prices too if I just go myself. Again, if I go.. I will probably reach out to the student… I might stay with him and his family most likely.. i don’t know… but I’d rather take my time. It looks like a gorgeous location so again being involved with a tour isn’t my thing… but of course it might be for others. Taking this boat will already take i think close to five days.. I’d have to look it up.. so breaking up the time half way in Contamana might be just the right move… but again I never know who I’ll meet and what I’ll find.. I never know I might want to make several stops… I love the adventure and it seems like I attract some great gems to discover. So I’d be arriving in Pucallpa before I’d go to the center too. Now… I love Pucallpa and Yarinacocha which is like a suburb… I’ve met a lot of amazing people there and I also have a shaman in San Francisco village which again isn’t too far from Yarina… so I might do yet another dieta before I go to the center to dig. I know with the dieta with this shaman is more laid back. So… I’ve been wanting to add another layer to my mural. I was in a rush to get it done and I already told the owner I’ll be back to do more. She was awesome… she paid me with her food… lol… there’s only two restaurants that were vegetarian and geared towards Aya dietas and she has amazing food. I asked her if I can just have an allowance to eat what I want with whom I want with the amount she agrees to. She thought it was a great idea. that’s actually were I rented a room too, so I don’t know there’s many options when I’m there. I also ran into another gentleman who is a children’s poetry author who wants me to make a mural for him.. so I’m not sure if that’s going to be before or after the dig… lol. Now that I’m looking at all of this… seems like I’m going to be planning a long time in the jungle again… lol. Last time I didn’t know how long I was going to be there… this time looks like it could be four to five months just to get to the center…lol… and the center… I don’t know how long that will be because again… not only is there going to be digging, but what to do after the digging… that’s still up in the air. So yeah that feels better… I know I want to be better prepared before the next ceremonies with my shaman I’m going to his center to dig and who had the issues… he’s starting to get an idea of how I roll, but if I’m more grounded I feel I’ll also be able to be more in ceremony… so really he won’t be ready to see what I bring to the table next time… lol… I’m not saying I’m going to do anything to harm him… but I told him I’m integrating and I do the work… I’m hoping he’s doing the same. I know his sons keep me updated and they seem to be doing the work. Again the shaman might feel he’s already done enough work… lol… but if he hasn’t addressed his sexual shadow… I’m sure we’ll have some words. But I know I’m going to have to talk to him about the digging… it’s his land and I’ve got ideas, but I need to see what ideas he has as well. I’m not sure if there needs to be some sort of contract before we dig? I’m not sure that’s necessary…. I know I want the original rock. I’m not sure about the other stones… maybe a few just to complete my vision, but I’m guessing I’ll be giving those stones to my shaman… plus I plan on using the equipment to help build on his land.. and I’ve got some ideas to put some cool twists onto the property. I feel.. like that should be a good trade. I’m already working on him from using his money to build sustainably in the center. Maybe that’s what we need to work out is possibly my time working on the design and construction… but I think we can just work things out without money… i don’t know… it’s just hard for me to ask for money because I know we don’t have much to spare… so I’d rather deal with bartering. Plus I’ll be doing stuff that will be fun and I want to gain the experience.. just like other jobs.. they don’t realize I’d love to pay them to learn the skills… just to learn. I’m not sure who is going to be involved either? I know my friend who translated said he’d like to be there. And also my retired friend who couldn’t make it pass the immigration in Lima because his passport… he wants to share ceremony, but he also knows how to drive the equipment. Hmmm… what if they join? So my translating friend… I had suggested for him to learn how to translate better… lol.. he hadn’t done it before as a paid position, but I paid him to translate for me, but no he needs a lot of work. He wasn’t translating word for word what was being said. He’d hear the words and then process it in his mind and determine is interpretation and then say his words. It was very obvious… i would be speaking say a paragraphs worth and he would translate a sentence of it. Same thing when my shaman would speak he would be saying a lot and then he’d tell me only a fraction of what was said. I told him repeatedly that I’d like him to not really think about what’s being said… just repeat was is asked to be translated. There’s reasons why we are using the words we are using because that’s what we want to be communicated. Obviously the best way to have a solution for this is to get a lot better with the language.. then I wouldn’t need a translator. But I still would like him to be present. He’s working in Lima and I met him in Iquitos. With him in Lima I’m sure he’s not taking a lot of breaks for himself… he’s probably focused on making as much money as he can there. He’s from the jungle and I know how much it rejuvenates him when he’s there. He’s done amazing in the ceremonies and if he can gain more confidence in himself… he can really valuable in ceremony… who knows what he’ll be able to tap into… I’m excited to find out… lol. But I also suggest for him to participate in dieta. He hadn’t fount the time yet. I’ve lined it up with two shamans when he’s ready. He’s actually maybe there with a friend he knows from Japan who was ready to return to ceremony. He’s assisting her because it’s the first time in the Pucallpa areas… most people go to Iquitos and that’s where they met. They’ve been able to keep in communication… and she reached out for his suggestion. He already knows my rule about the shaman at the center… He’s going to have to be there… and he better be conscious… in fact i feel I should message him again… lol… again his confidence needs a little help.. and our shaman at the center… he’s got a strong presence and I can see him being a bit intimidated by him. But my friend is intelligent and strong… I’ve been warning him about placing people above himself… he doesn’t need to be lower than anyone… even if you’re learning from him about ceremony doesn’t mean he can’t be teaching the shaman too about other things. I might message my shaman too… lol… make sure everyone is on it. Geesh! I want everything to go perfectly… lol… well in the cosmic sense.. it will be perfect so I don’t really need to do anything… but a few messages won’t hurt anything… lol. I’ll continue not only will he be working on getting better at translating… he can start his dieta. Plus he’s going to be a big help anyway with the dig and probably the building too. If I get this nonprofit going… he’d be the one who would lead the Peruvian projects. I have a lot of trust in him. And I know if I give him more opportunities to lead… he’ll see he’s a leader. I also have a feeling he’ll be on the expedition in the mountains too. So yeah I would like him to join us. Who knows he might join me earlier. well… depending on how much abundance i have…I might send him to the center early to get his dieta going before I arrive…. plus he’ll get more ceremonies too. I believe he’s at his 8 ceremony mark. He did really well though… so adding the dieta for him early… will be the right move. Hell it might be the right move for anyone I work with. I’m still going back and forth on that. The thing is people don’t want to take the time off for themselves. They will only take a week… maybe two for a vacation. That’s why most retreats focus only on the ceremony. But it’s the dieta and ceremony and the time in between that can create the best setup for Aya ceremonies. But that’s for another time. So yeah ideally… I’d like to get him with his first round of dieta… maybe even do the three months like I did. He’ll probably need a break so he can join me wherever I might be at the time. Or just let him freestyle it… I feel he could us a little more experience and time freestyling it… lol… maybe even send him to Sacred Valley… Cusco to Manchu Picchu… he’d love it. I feel you can’t go wrong there… lol. He’d be refreshed by the time he got back. Depending on his comfort level.. he might spend I’d hope at least a month down there… and then he can probably return to Pucallpa for a month with me before we go back to the center. Yeah.. something close to that. What about my retired friend? Hmmm… he’s a little trickier… or maybe easier actually. He’s retired… now he has a routine he’s starting to create but it’s fairly fresh.. it’s only been two years into his retirement… and he’s added this Scotland/European trip this Fall which is already breaking up the pattern he wants to create. So I was thinking maybe I’d have to work around his schedule, but of course I will to an extent, but honestly he’s open. I’ve already discussed kind of the time that might be best to dig whether it’s the rainy or dry season. I might have to look back at that and get a better idea of timing… but let’s continue with my friend. So his passport was only a month remaining and it’s required to have three months before expiration to enter Peru… so that’s why immigration wouldn’t let him through. So… he’s actually the first person outside of my original Aya familia crew to accept my invitation to join me in ceremony. that’s actually a big deal for me… many people talk, but he was ready to walk the walk. I’ve shared ceremonies here in Colorado which was giving him a taste of what Aya might be like. Lol… we’ve come quite a bit from where he started, but I also knew I wanted to give him the supplies so he can chose solo ceremonies without me necessarily being there for him to continue his experience with DMT. I’d like to ask him to possible continue working during the three months he’s back in Colorado. He’ll have a ton of time on his hands and I know he’ll be trying to camp as much as he can.. so that’s a great time. He doesn’t like to do it alone.. but I’ll have to continue to encourage him, especially if he’s going to be going to ceremonies in Peru… the more I can prepare him the better. I won’t really be able to… lol… I can do my best, but it’s just something that I can’t prepare people for until they are there experiencing it. Now because he got turned back at Lima… he returned to Cabo that’s where he lives for the winters now… he ran into a girl who was going to Mexico City for a retreat and asked him to join her. He also got to see the migration of the monarch butterflies… which I’m pretty jealous of… lol… I’ll make it there one day, but that is super cool and I’d love to experience that. But with this retreat they did several things almost a different thing each night. The hosts didn’t setup up properly because the last night didn’t finish well into the next day and everyone had to cancel their flights because they hadn’t recovered… lol… now he said he drank Aya… he said he had to ask for a second cup… and i think most of the guests did… but he said he really didn’t feel anything. Which isn’t common, but not unheard of. I know the first group of Aya familia there was one guest who was having problems getting into the experience. She had three ceremonies where she thought she wasn’t feeling anything. Maybe this isn’t the time to talk about it, but let’s just say it wasn’t a shock that he didn’t feel anything. So again… he’s wanting to be ready to experience it. And he’s not afraid. Now existence on the other time is telling him so far he’s not ready… lol.. that he needs more time. So yeah… how would I know if he’s ready or not? I know he’s got his passport ready now. I know we were planning to do the Contamana trip together for my birthday… he’s a bird watcher and when I showed him the macaws he was all in… and of course he’d want to go to Machu Picchu as well…. Hmmm… I don’t think he’d do the three month dieta without me there. I don’t really want him to go to the center without me either… I know I’d be able to make him comfortable more then anyone else in our crew. He’s can speak Spanish better than I can… that’s not really a problem… and he’s been taking classes too to get better. Maybe I can set it up for him and my translator to visit Sacred Valley together. I could probably go with them too… I’m trying to show them how I travel a bit… where I wing it.. and see what existence wants to share with me… it’s pretty awesome really. But right less planning and more exploring and more socializing… lol.. so I’m glad I mentioned the whole weather/season thing… I was thinking digging around the rainy season… but the building would be around the dry season… so after the dig we could go to Sacred Valley… ohh we could probably do quite a bit of traveling actually… ok wait a minute.. I want to make them comfortable I realize this.. but I also have to remember how I am… lol… I know I’m going to want my own time too… plus I want them to not rely on me so much if that makes sense. Yeah we can entertain the thought that they might go together without me… or. For a short period.. I enjoy visiting myself… may depend on how long he’d want to stay. I think with both of them they’re available and will continue as long as they’re enjoying themselves. Not only is my retired friend know how to drive the equipment, but he used to own a construction business so I know he’d be great at helping with the ideas after the dig… I’ve been up in the air with him about the expedition… I don’t think he’ll be joining us.. but honestly since I have him in Peru.. there are a few people I’d like him to see to try to get his foot up and working properly. He had surgery and then it was infected in recovery and it’s just not been the same. I’ve been asking around and we’ve got a few people who thinks they can help. I’d love to go ahead and give it a try while we’re there. I’ve been trying to get him more conscious of his posture which has helped a bit with his limping. I ask him if he’s been keeping his head up while he’s walking on the beach in Cabo…plus when he hikes in the mountains. Right now he can’t go too far… but I have a feeling we can help his foot and get him walking comfortably without pain. We’ve been working together and since we met he’s been going through changes really well. He was an alcoholic and it’s been two years since he drank.. He’s retired and all he has known was to work… he’s ran three businesses in his life… he owned a lumber mill, construction, and a restaurant. He doesn’t know what to do with his free time. And that’s the thing that’s when we met was right before he retired. And so I’m going to encourage him to live to his fullest… lol… I ask him questions and he’s an I don’t know man… lol… well I tell him… if you’re an I don’t know man… you’re going to allow others to make those decision for you. And honestly that’s what he wants… he wants to have a partner where she just tells him what to do.. lol.. Well that’s what he thinks he wants… but I don’t think that’s the case. He just needs to put in some time and attention to himself before he starts attracting mother types… lol.. what he thinks he wants is an exotic mother-type in her twenties… which might happen… but I’d say he doesn’t really want a mother type and what he wants is an equal partnership. He’s going to have to make decisions… he’s not wanting to make the wrong decision… I told him there’s no wrong decisions… lol.. just because you find out you don’t enjoy something doesn’t mean that it’s wrong… just means to stop wasting your time doing that… lol… avoiding making wrong decisions will stop you from making any… lol.. which might be where i am too… lol… I think I’m a bit more flexible though too.. I’ve worked myself into flexibility.. and my body is wondering why i’m not working on flexibility in all ways… lol… well we’ll see how it goes, but I’m thinking I’d like him to join too. And actually we might travel around South America more if he does come and we need time between digging and building… I know I’m open… Argentina is a key destination for me… I want to Tango… lol.. but I’m not sure that’s a destination for us… I’ve got a buddy in Brazil… he’s really into sporty activities which would be a blast, but again might not be the best match for my retired friend… hmmm…ohhh… rainy season… hmmm… maybe take him to the Carnivale in Rio? He’d love that!! I was trying to get him and my dad to go this year together… maybe we can set that up for next year… two crazy amazing guys who would love the “scenery”… and then one crazy gal who wants to make costumes to wear… lol… that would be a blast!! Maybe that could workout perfectly. Man… could I get my dad to at least come to Peru? Interesting… maybe? I can see how my skills are with him not drinking Aya? That would be awesome… oh man… that would be like a dream come true for me!!! Ok… well that’s a great thought to end on for now… I’m not going to end up sleeping right now… lol… the recycling center is about to open and I’ll drop off a load. Dad wants to leave around 11 to go pick up his wife’s car at the tire place… we’ll drop off the car at the house… we’ll drop off the donations to probably goodwill… and about that time we’ll need to head out to the soccer game. Yay!!! Getting to hang with the kiddos today… well if that’s the case… I might not be on here later tonight because I’ll be crashed… lol… ok until next time.

@NightHawkBuzz Hello there… if you aren’t sure about your life purpose, then I’d suggest you just need more life experience. If you are interested in pursuing politics, then go for it! There’s something you’re curious to learn… so go and give it a try! I’m sure there are many sectors of politics you’re not familiar with… maybe something will lead to another and another… listen to yourself! It sounds you want to talk yourself into something you want to do… then I say go do it! You can always change your mind. For me my experiences lead me all over the place… hehe. You may need to see if you enjoy politics as much as you think… it could be the people you’re meeting.. or places you’re going… experiences are great! Enjoy yourself and listen to yourself… you’ll know.

Alright… so most of my day was tackling the kitchen… lol… I got most of it done. If I feel like it tomorrow…. I think I’ll be able to finish it up. It’s funny because I find things my dads placed somewhere… I think this doesn’t need to be in the kitchen and so I take it into the studio area which I just organized, but now I have more things to figure out where they go. I keep reminding my dad that he’ll have to participate in this one day. I want to know what’s comfortable for him… where he feels he wants his tools and such which makes sense to him. I told him I’m doing my type of ceremony for him… purging out some of his things and cleaning it up so he has the opportunity to either enjoy the organization and likes knowing where things are or he’ll be in habits and it’ll just start looking like his normal. It was a bit of a challenge through the winter definitely. I found myself having similar habits… lol… we don’t have running water or hear… so there’s not a whole lot of motivation… good thing I was lost in my own world of creativity and journaling.. lol.. but I can sympathize with him. And I’m sure he thinks it’s going to take forever to clean and organize so he chooses not to do it. Hopefully he can see that it really doesn’t take long when we put our focus on to something. But I’m hoping he feels better with the space open and clean. I know it was making me fell pretty suffocating when I first arrived. I didn’t want to bombard him with a ton of change all at once, but once I realized he didn’t care too much for me to get rid of things… then it’s a lot easier. That’s the thing… it’s much easier for me to get rid of things then for him…. Plus I’ve got an idea of what he’s particular with… so it’s not that hard. I took my little buddy outside today. Last time he seemed to be more relaxed around the house so I thought I’d just stay here and have him explore. Well right when we went outside the gray cat, Sissy came up… and they do not like each other. In fact I’ve been hearing them hissing at each other at the windows.. I went outside first to see if she was around and it seemed like the coast was clear. But I placed him on the grass.. he went to start having a snack and there she comes. I tried to take him in the back yard and she followed. My dad was able to get Sissy to the front, but by then my little buddy Elvis was in flight mode. I couldn’t stop him from hiding and also he just wanted to dart back inside. So we did. We’ve got another beautiful day tomorrow.. I might take him to a little park that’s small and hopefully not too crowded. See how he does. Speaking about cats my dad is getting more concerned for the new guy… one-eyed Jack… he is definitely scrawny and he hasn’t really been eating. He’s been inside for about a month and he’s not showing signs of getting any healthier. He’s more comfortable with us and loves attention… he’s like a little shadow.. not me but my dad too. But he’s afraid he might die soon. I told him I’m not sure what to do really. I recalled the dog I was trying to help on my dieta from the village. There were a good amount of dogs running around which were pretty healthy.. but there was one that looked like a skeleton. I didn’t know why none of the village wasn’t trying to help the guy out. I ended up taking him back to the center with… my shaman wasn’t too happy about it, but I was trying to see if we could nurse it back to health. I was unsuccessful. Within a week he ended up passing and we buried him on the land. I’ve been thinking about death or at least transitioning from this physical perception. And there’s just little bits and pieces that I’ve been thinking so it makes me want to tumble it around a bit more. But yeah… maybe this cat is about to die. We don’t want it to die, but what if he’s to the point that we can’t do much except love him until he passes? That’s how I felt when my grandparents were in hospice. I’ll touch back on that in a bit. But the same thing happened with the dog in the jungle. At first I was a little upset that the village wasn’t trying to help this guy out. But there’s a tendency for other animals to treat the sick animal unwell… like keeping it away from them or trying to get it to run off or even try to kill it. I was visiting a girlfriend who bought land and a center in a Peruvian village and she had a group of dogs that she was taking care of. She was nursing them to health and trying to get them to be adopted eventually. What maybe seven or eight dogs. One of the dogs was all bones… and the alpha dog was a Great Dane. They were all good dogs but the Great Dane hated that sick dog. Lol.. if it’s not obvious yet… I’m a bit crazy. So the Great Dane would attack this sick guy and I would jump in every time I was around to stop it. But it happened constantly. I’d be carrying the sick dog away many times… he’d have wounds to heal. I’m not sure how long after I left the Great Dane did end up killing the dog. Again… I wanted the dogs to get along… and I wasn’t really mad at their behavior but maybe they sense something more than what I can sense? Because I didn’t see any dogs really around this sick dog in the village either. I know my cat really doesn’t seem to like anyone other than me… lol… but he’s trying to keep Jack away too. Actually I hadn’t thought of this before… but my brother nursed our dog back to health growing up with Pedialyte. Maybe I can give that a try. It was different with our dog.. she was trying to hide to die… and the cat seems to want attention but it’s weak. I know I’ll feel bad when the cat dies. Especially because it seems like it’s been neglected since it’s been born… he finally has a chance to at least have some people love on him and give him some shelter when he needs it. My dad says many things about being sick of cats around… but he’s got a good heart and he’s worried about the little guy even though he’s new to the house. But we don’t know what it was going through before we met him. I just find situations where I want to help animals who are on the verge of dying and they end up dying even though I try to stop it. I feel sad because again I feel the life they were living wasn’t easy for them. And I know once I entered into their lives I would give them attention and love… so at least they have that before they pass. I know I want to continue to work with animals.. I absolutely love them. I’ve actually had animals be guests in ceremony with me too. I’ve done ceremonies with Elvis which has been quite beautiful but I’ve also had three dogs join as well. Mostly I’m just trying to clear out their energies… one ceremony it was really cool because I was able to settle them all down at the same time… it was as if they felt the energy and intent of the moment. And Elvis was a really good helper in one particular ceremony. There was a guy who wasn’t comfortable. He was pacing inside and he would go outside and pace. He was having issues with kidney stones and even passing his stool. But there were a few guests… so if he was outside pacing and I was inside with another guest… I’d hear Elvis meowing… and he’d be looking outside.. he’s like go check on this guy… I’m worried about him… lol… so I would. Spend time and return into the Maloca and continue…. But he did that about three times that night and that was the first time he’s been so vocal in ceremony… especially with a gentleman he doesn’t even know. He could just feel the energy and it seemed like he was really concerned. Elvis knows I am trying to connect and communicate with him… I respond fairly quickly if he’s meowing to acknowledge him and watch him to see what he’s wanting from me. But yeah maybe I need to learn more about how to treat illness with animals. Reminds me a little time in my life when I was quite young I thought I’d want to be a veterinarian until I found out I’d also have to put them down at times… so I decided not to. But darn it.. I guess that’s just what I’m supposed to do or at least be involved with a some extent. I’m not sure if any who reads this has seen an animal or a human take their last breath. It’s intense and it rips at the heart when it happens. I’ve been there for a dog and I’ve been there with my grandma. It’s tough but I also had time to help them prepare though too and that seems to help in the transition and being present to observe the transition happening. Is more of that going to be part of my experiences? When I thought I was going to die and I thought my shaman was going to help me pass… it made sense to me at the time. Again I remembered being there for my grandparents when we knew their time was short. I feel blessed that I had those experiences. They meant so much to me and when they decided to go into hospice I knew that my time with them was short… and I’m going to be a part of that. I think I intuitively knew this would be the best way for me to process losing them from my physical presence. I was in my first semester in college when my grandma went to hospice. They didn’t think she would last but a few days. The family caretakers had a lesson on what to do and what to possibly look for when death is imminent. There have been some instances that they could be completely clear, competent and conscious right before they pass. I was hoping to experience that moment with my grandma, but it didn’t happen. My grandma was unfortunately in a vegetative state when she went to her home for hospice. She had an allergic reaction in the hospital which cause multiple seizures. I was on the night shifts with my dad… We had to take care of her bodily fluids because she couldn’t consciously do them for herself. I remember helping her with her mouth and swabbing it with these sucker sponges… sponge baths… giving her medication anally because she couldn’t swallow… none of this bothered me. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be in those moments. I’d still give her massages… comb her hair.. we’d still talk to her and tell her how much she meant to us all. My grandpa was having a very hard time with it all. My grandma did almost everything for him… he was terrified to live without her… and I could hear him at night crying and telling her… begging her not to leave him. Telling her that he’s scared and doesn’t want to live without her… it was heartbreaking. I felt so bad for my grandpa… but I also knew he was going to be taken care of and he’ll eventually gain the strength to overcome his loss. Well we were going to do our best to get him to overcome. My grandma’s sister passed before her and her husband didn’t last a month after she passed. So we didn’t want the same thing to happen for him, but really who are we to say when the best time is for someone to pass? I’d say that individual knows to some extent when they want to pass? Especially if the choice is taken away by someone’s action that leads to that passing. We knew we had to get my grandpa confident that we were going to take care of him. We won’t do the same job as grandma, but we’re going to do our best and I told him I think grandma can hear us. I’d ask my grandpa to let her know he’s going to be ok. I know it’s going to be hard to live without her, but we don’t want her living her life like this though either. I remember being there watching and listening to my grandpa encouraging her that he’ll be taken care of and she doesn’t have to worry. He kept on repeating how much he loved her and how much she had made him so happy… again heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time. My grandparents had been together since they were in high school. Their families lived an alley way apart. My grandma was 68 when she passed… and I remember everyone celebrating their 50th anniversary a few years earlier. Her first and only lover. And it seemed like she was waiting for something before she wanted to let herself go to pass. And of course I don’t know if this is the case, but I think she was waiting for my grandpa to tell her that… before she chose to transition. Again seeing someone take their last breath was tough… I just remember her breathing doubled or even tripled in pace like hyperventilating and then she stopped breathing. And any excess fluids she had came out of her mouth, and I believe she also had a bowel happen at that moment. It’s really had to lose a loved one but darn it.. I was so grateful that she passed though too… I didn’t want her to live in that state for too long… it just wasn’t living. When I was my grandpa’s hospice nurse I moved in with him. He was at a different circumstance when he went into hospice. He was conscious and coherent, but he wasn’t allowed to have anymore heart surgeries. It was tricky with him because his body was filling up with fluids and a lot of the family was arguing how to deal with it. Whether to be strict on his diet so prolong the inevitable or to have him enjoy his food while he could. We were trying to restrict as much as we could… he was already in the habit of it anyway, but yeah… when he made special requests… how in the hell or we going to tell him no. We want him to enjoy and be as comfortable as he can before he passes. It was really great, because it was a couple months with my grandpa and so everyone was able to spread the word to the community… so we’d have all kinds of people visiting and sharing memories. My grandpa was involved with the community through coaching and the elks club… we’d have grown adults bringing in old pictures and uniforms or a baseball… my grandpa coached my basketball in middle school so I had some teammates around my age who came to visit… it was just really nice to be able to share that time with people able to say their good-byes… being a part of their hospice care really changed me in a deep way, especially when it came to showing appreciation and love while we share this experience, but also about dealing with death. In both instances I knew I was going to miss them, but I also didn’t want them to continue living in the state they were in… so it was best to transition beyond the physical. I really was able to overcome any feelings of attachment for them to stay because I didn’t want them to leave… it wasn’t about me… and I’m fortunate to take the time to show them and tell them how much they meant to me… I didn’t have any regrets. Again it seemed like my grandpa was also waiting for something before he wanted to pass too. So my grandparents has four children… and at that time there was arguing going on between them. Sad to say but I’d have to ask people to leave the house… or least go outside. If there was any arguing or yelling… I’d say that’s enough… take a breather… that energy doesn’t need to be here in front of grandpa… of course that would upset him. That shit upsets everyone… so I’d have to kick them out and tell them to return when they are calmer. I know they have high emotions going on and they’re trying to express themselves but they can have a more mature approach to the communication. I mean some were directing to my grandpa. And that’s what upset me… why are they waiting until he’s on his death bed to bring all of this up… why couldn’t they bring it up before. But again I know they needed their closure too… this was their chance.. but to be yelling and angry isn’t the way. But because their was issues between the kids not all of them were there at the same time. I was teaching painting classes at the time… but they were only three to four hours long and it was a few times a week… but I left for an event and all of my aunts and uncle and my dad was visiting for the first time all together and without me… I got a call on the way to work that my grandpa past. I remember thinking to myself… so that’s what you were waiting for. He was waiting for all of them to be together when he chose to pass. I remember at the funeral some of my cousins said they thought I was going to take it a lot harder than I did. I told them I’ve spent the last months with grandpa… I’ve already had closure and acceptance while he was here. I’m going to miss him, but I know he’s in a better state then where he was. My grandma’s burial I couldn’t even stay to see her being lowered into the ground… I was still very emotional. My grandpa I had more time to process and be with him before so I wasn’t so emotional and was more stable to see at the funeral and burial. This also brings me to my es-stepmother’s mom who passed away last year. I wanted to be here for her celebration of life last October. Again I have a better understanding of what death is at this point… a part of me wished I could’ve been there for her during the last moments. She was involved in my life from around first grade to sixth grade… which doesn’t seem like a long time but she was extremely influential to me. I feel like I really got the best moments from her liveliness when she was with us. Her health starting going down hill when she was grandparents to her children’s children. Since I was struggling with my own battles with my ex-step mom… I didn’t spend a lot of time with my grandma after… but i cannot forget all the great memories I had with her and just how she approached teaching us… sticks with me. She’s the one who really got me involved in being creative… really inspired me to explore so many areas of creativity. They lived on a farm and that really had an impression on me too… how much hard work goes into farming… her laughter… oh my goodness you could almost here it a mile away… lol… I remember I’d be in elementary school sitting in class and then we’d all hear her laughing and everybody would look at me… oh your grandma’s here… lol.. actually my dad’s grandparents… they were my number one fans in all my sporting events. That was a ritual for me… I’d be doing the warm-ups but before we had to sit down to start the game… I’d always go and visit my grandparents… i don’t know but they gave me so much joy and I was just so proud to have them their supporting me. I wish I could’ve been more involved before she passed, but I know there’s nothing I could’ve said to her that she doesn’t already know now after she passed…. She was remarkable and truly lovable. It’s really trying to be there for the family who will be challenged with the loss of their appearance in the physical who needs the support. They become infinite, and we don’t have to worry about them anymore… continue to cherish their memory and observe our own tendencies that we share… right this reality we can continue to share a part of them within ourselves… it’s beautiful. I’ve always been close to my dad, but after my grandpa passed… it felt like our relationship went to another level… he has no clue how much I appreciate him being my dad. I tell him all the time and he just laughs… but I’m happy I found the time to be able to share these moments with my dad right now. I’m grateful to be helping him be comfortable as much as I can. Lol… my uncle wants me to be his caretaker after he saw how I was with my grandpa, his dad… I said I will, but my dad’s on the top of my list… I joked around… I don’t know if I can handle both of you at the same time though. So yeah… if that’s going to continue to happen where I’m with people before they transition… I’d be honored. It’s an honor to be able to experience that with them. If I’m understanding correctly… we will choose to share that experience together, and I know I’ll do my best for them to not be fearful… I’ll do my best to make them as comfortable as they can. I can guarantee they will feel loved until their last breath of this physical experience. I really do love to love. I keep thinking about my death experience and my awakening experience… i know I’m going to continue sharing ceremony, and if my shaman was able to help guide me to those experiences… I want to learn how to do it too. I think I was shown this in my experience for my to learn this. That’s what I feel is going to happen on this expedition… I have a feeling its going to be a group that’s with me, and I’m not sure what we’re going to be doing the whole time, but I said it’s the journey that usually is the juice of it really… and I feel I’ll be ready to help guide this group to their death and awakening. I don’t know it might happen sooner… there was a friend from Peru who I was working with that I got the feeling he’s close… he might not need my help actually but if I happen to be with him… I’m going to do my best to make it comfortable and as easy as I can help. Right… I’m not afraid to communicate and so I like to tell my guests as much as I can to prepare them. When I was going through it… my shaman didn’t prepare me… lol… of course we were lost in translation a lot of the time, but when he said I needed to passé… I didn’t understand that… I didn’t understand that my mind would interpret that as passing out of the physical experience what we call death. I don’t know if I would have responded differently but I think I would have. I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did if I was prepared. I’m hoping that maybe they don’t even have to think they are dying… they can just feel like they’re awakening.. I’m sure each individual will be different. But I think the people I’ll work with maybe similar to myself… they’ll be finding their own way to awaken for themselves. But if I can help guide them… if it feels like I’m telling them they’re going to die in ceremony… that again in my experience there was a choice whether they want to continue the death experience of infinity or if they want to live fully in this physical experience. And that’s where it causes hesitation… what if someone does decide to continue to transition and pass? I have to be honest… I would probably still be honored to be a part of that shared experience. It’s just societies opinion about it that will be a challenge to handle. Right, society has a different perception about death. Again… I don’t know if this is the case in every situation, but I feel like it’s a choice. I don’t know whether someone passes unexpectedly by someone’s actions whether they choose or not… but I also don’t know what goes on in their minds whether they were looking to embrace infinity but didn’t know what they were asking for… it’s hard to express or even think about… right it’s not easy to talk about these things because again society sees it as the thing to avoid at all costs is to die. It’s the worst thing that can happen to someone. I just don’t know if this is true or not. Well actually I do know for me… it’s not the worst thing to happen. Maybe when you haven’t experienced death or a sense of eternal existence… it can be the worst thing. But if we do have that experience that death is not a final state then it’s not the worst thing. To me and my experiences is when I had a choice to stay as a nonphysical existence of bliss or to return to the physical… I wanted to return to be able to experience bliss with this body, with this mind, and with the universe. There was not a wrong choice, but to return to the physical I want to fully express and experience as much as I am capable. Many of my messages tell me that the universal collective is connecting at extremely deep levels. So I could just choose a life where I’m creating bliss only for myself, but I think we’re capable of much more than that. It’s as if i’m choosing this physical life because I am curious to see what a conscious collective will create together. Not only that but to see what I’m capable of in the physical experience as well. I was reading a few posts on the Forum and I ran into a post where a member posted someone on YouTube saying that Leo is creating a cult. I didn’t listen to the video because I feel like it’s a silly thought. As a student of Leo… I feel like this group has a deeper theory into the structure of cults and it’s obvious to us this isn’t a cult. But what I’ve been gathering from this post and again from other posts that happen to draw my attention… its the case there’s so many of us that doesn’t have our own experience of what death is. I feel the member who posted it was thinking that there were three people who have committed suicide while listening to Leo’s videos. Again I didn’t watch the video so I don’t know all the details. I know I’ve listened to Leo’s videos and he’s addressed one of these cases before. the member I feel didn’t address his issue in a mature manner, but I think he’s trying to see if there is a way to prevent people from killing themselves. Or trying things that has the potential of death. Is there a way to prevent that? Again who are we to decide whether someone should choose to be nonphysical or physical? I might have thought about taking my life once in my life but it was an impulsive thought and yeah I was just stressed and angry and I just wanted to give up… but it was fleeting for myself. And it was only a thought… I didn’t take any action towards it. I think I was probably late middle school or high school when this thought occurred. But I’m assuming that some people may battle with this thought maybe on a more regular basis. If I can be open to the idea that if I lived a life where I constantly thought of suicide… and then I had that choice again to be nonphysical or physical… I could see myself choosing to be nonphysical. I feel I could imagine many scenarios where I would’ve been able to choose the nonphysical. And I’d honestly say that societies opinion about my choice wouldn’t be a care for me. I’d assume I would be so disconnected that the physical world would no longer be a choice I’d like to continue. Why don’t we entertain the idea that death is a choice for a second. What if we all saw death as not the worst thing in the world. In fact because we thought it was a choice… would we be so upset with death? Could we really be upset with someone who chooses to pass out of the physical? Maybe we cannot understand why, but they can understand why. If we had a choice when to die… would there even be murder? Who are we surviving against? That’s the thing survival mode is many people’s focus because they don’t want to die. But can they entertain the idea that death may not be what they think it is? Maybe focusing on surviving death causes more unnecessary deaths… because we think everything is trying to kill us all the time. How can we get to a point where we feel safe from death? How can we get to a point where death isn’t so scary or uncomfortable? How can we get to a point where death isn’t a negative thought? Some of the readers might be asking why would I even be thinking these thoughts… how is that possible and what would be the advantage to gain anyway? Well.. if we are identifying as human… what would be the advantage of not being scared of death… it would completely change the human collective psyche and behavior patterns. I know it’s hard to imagine, but if we humans didn’t have to survive life… we’d have the time in the world to do… what? Live life to our fullest? Create our wildest of dreams? Well… if we are identifying as a spiritual human… this is what we are doing. We are trying to experience existence beyond the limits of a human… maybe what we can call it the spirit… many spiritual humans have developed an understanding that surviving life isn’t the most conscious way to live as a human… we’ve experienced the nonphysical and there’s no body to sense, no environment to experience, no human mind to learn… which may sound awful, but it’s not… but to have this physical experience and not be able to appreciate it’s brilliance would be the worst thing possible… because it’s our moment to take advantage of this masterful art we are creating. we are already on this spiritual path, but many don’t realize it. I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but just because I didn’t realize it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t happening already. Again I feel like I want to know how to make us realize we’re on a spiritual path already and of course sooner… lol… but I know it’s already happening, but is it happening at this pace because most of the collective is not conscious of this? Maybe we are conscious and the pace is perfect… maybe I’m just wondering why I feel the desire to help people see death differently. why do I have the desire to help people realize death and even the desire to support when they desire to transition? I’m comfortable asking these questions, and I’m comfortable not having to find a resolution at this time. Lol… I feel like I’ve been purging so much lately that I just feel like I’ve got space to spare. I feel like I have more attention to give to areas because again I feel like my energetic thoughts aren’t so spread out… this purging process is valuable to me. I appreciate everything that I’ve been able to attract to get me to this point. And again I’m excited to see how this continues to develop. Yeah I think this is a good place to stop for now. I’ve been thinking maybe I should spread my Journal entries out for a few days… I’m not sure but I’m open to it. Yes I’ve been getting a ton of value, but I also want to create some space from it too… lol… Creating space seems to be what I’m drawn to do right now. Alright until next time.

Alright… today was pretty productive. I got the studio organized for my pops… He definitely is not going to work with the water company… lol… I guess he was talking with them two years ago. The ten year thing was the first leak and he got it fixed, but it started leaking again and he turned the main off and the water company was upset with him for doing that. They wanted him to leave it and they would turn it off. Because my dad turned it off they charged him a penalty so… he’s not ready to work with them still. I told him it be a whole lot easier to having running water… lol… but he’s making that call. Got a good start on the kitchen too. I feel like I don’t have a chance to share ceremony with my pops right now, so I can help him purge in other ways to set him up for success or at least comfort… at least an easier opportunity for him. I think he sees the benefits of having space and having things organized. It won’t take too long to get things setup nicely for him. I’m so appreciative of who he’s been for me and how he’s taught me… we’ve got a lot more experiences yet and I’m excited. I’m so grateful to have him as my pops. So yesterday I was messaging the guy who might be sharing ceremony with me. We were thanking each other for the great conversation. While I was at it I asked permission to discuss what we talked about and he said I’m more than welcome to. He was curious at which parts and I listed some but I told him about my Journal… sometimes I just like to just go with it so I might talk about more then what I listed… and he was fine with it. So again… it’s nice to process conversations and situations. We attracted each other to have a conversation so we’re helping each other learn something. So he likes to ask questions and get my opinion on it. He said he was talking to some guys who have similar situations during trips and wanted my thoughts about it. He said they’ve all shared having a feminine entity who comes into their experience and they seem to be the calming and nurturing mother type. With his particular experience he was nervous and this female comes out of a yellow grid pattern and was telling him to relax… there’s nothing to worry about. He said he calmed down but seemed to be lying down and he could see her next to him but then he saw three alien-like figures approach and he said they were upgrading his mind. He said he wasn’t anxious because he trusted her which led to trusting the three figures. He wanted to know if I had alien experiences similar to that. I said I have not directly encountered an alien before, but this universe is full of possibilities so I’m open to it. I know others that have experienced them and I also have a lot of males who mention a feminine figure in ceremonies. I asked him a question… where are you right now… do you think you are able to calm and upgrade yourself? Or are you at a point that looks for someone else to do this for you? He admitted that he looks for someone else. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but most of my ceremonies I feel like it’s myself who is helping me. But I do seem to give acknowledgement to infinite intelligence but that’s not necessarily a figure. So yeah most people assume shamans has spirits that appear to them. I do not have this happen to me. But what I was asking him… I wonder if he or other males don’t see themselves having a nurturing or motherly qualities in themselves. It may be easier to visualize a feminine who fulfills this for them instead of seeing themselves in this role. But he’s a father of three children with his youngest at age 16. He’s’ told me a few stories and I know he has these qualities but maybe because of how we were raised it’s hard to embrace having feminine qualities since he’s male. I obviously don’t know, but I wanted to give him a different perspective. I didn’t mention this in our conversation, but I remember in my second Aya ceremony… in ceremony I thought I was being possessed by either Gaia, Mother Earth or Madre Aya. At that moment I couldn’t imagine that I had the powerful qualities that I was experiencing. Again I was hearing the shamans and I was able to feel how and where to send my energies… a few times I even had an idea of what the guests were working on. There was one female and one male at different times was having issues with their physical appearance. I remember sending my support to them… lol… I was telling them they are so beautiful… inside and out.. but it doesn’t matter what we say… they’ve got to find that for themselves. But I was singing Icaros for the first time… I just was experiencing things that I never had before… so I assumed that I might be possessed. But after several ceremonies… I continue to have these qualities… I understood that I just was getting glimpses of talents or gifts that I didn’t know existed but they were awakened to me in ceremony and I was able to recontextualize that I wasn’t possessed… that was me. That’s my authentic self… I want to help, support, and send my love and energy to help assist in any way to support guests and whatever they are going through. It’s similar… I didn’t have a figure of a woman showing me.. it was me doing it and that’s why I assumed possession… lol. I guess I still feel comfortable saying infinite intelligence as it’s something other than me… but I still know I’m a part of this intelligence… so I’m not sure our relationship at this moment. But I also feel like infinite intelligence is very personal to me in ceremony so I also see it as my higher self. When I’m in ceremony… it’s as if it’s me helping myself and it’s just working at higher degrees than my current state. I mentioned the dream where I thought maybe I met my first spirit guide, but again the qualities and features I noticed… again my result was that was still myself. I’m not sure why we receive our own messages in different ways. I said maybe when it comes to his aliens helping him upgrade… again he might not have considered how extremely intelligent and unusual and beyond human he is and what he’s capable of doing… that it’s easier to give credit to something he assumes has those qualities such as aliens…. I don’t know but it is interesting. I know as I’m engaging in this Forum I’ve noticed that my communication wants to change to me inclusive instead of exclusive. I realized when I was giving advise… that I was giving myself the same advise but in a deeper level. Right we don’t actually ultimately know something… it continues to deepen in that knowing. So if there are aliens… I want to be able to have us be at a point where we’re inclusive. If they exist.. than they’ve already been in our universal existence. They already have been involved with how we have already been living… even though they might now be seen all the time. Right all the fish deep in the seas are still in our existence and is helping create this reality even though we don’t see them regularly. Same as bacteria and microorganisms. We are already part of this existence. Lol… hell I’ve had guests tell me that I’m an alien… so I might find out that I’m already an alien.. and the things I’ve been learning could be called alien-like… so who knows… but it’s very interesting. He also asked me a question about my thoughts on star children, start people or indigos. I told him I’ve heard of these labels, but what is his understanding. He usually laughs a bit because I have him clarify or define the words he uses… he says it looks like you know what I’m saying but you want to hear more before you answer. I will continue to tell him… my definition can vary from yours… so I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing or something similar at least. He was struggling a little on how to describe it, but what he got to was that there are people who aren’t from Earth that is helping people awaken. He also mentioned that many start people usually has some type of educational deficiency when they were younger… maybe to put them on a hard road to overcome to be able to help others. He said that school couldn’t keep his attention, but when he moved to another school and he didn’t know anyone… he was making straight A’s… but when he started socializing it went back to not having any attention for school. Again I told him I don’t really have much direct experience with this. I have met people who say they are star people and I’m respectful to their identities. I mentioned I have had one vision… well honestly there’s been more then one… maybe a handful of times where I’ve seen figures that seemed to be shaped as human but their skin is full of galaxies and stars. I chuckled because the last time I had a vision of a star person they noticed that I saw them and then hid from me… lol… For a few days I was getting images of faces from people from different races, genders, ages… and I didn’t know what it meant. This would be the moments where I’m lying down to sleep and as I’m looking at the back of my eyelids… sometimes I get images or visions… sometimes its words or sometimes like a download as a sentence or two… plus it’s when I take the time to notice as well. One of the images there was an older lady with a short bob and straight silver hair… she had an unusual arm movement that I could remember that action. After thinking about it.. it seemed like she was pointing to me as if she recognized me… and I was thinking maybe there’s some action that I do that gets her to recognize me.. which makes her do this action and point to me. When I saw this star person I saw the figure walking in a row of a field like soybean or something… some low cut plants, but I saw a barn in the background. It seems like I was just hovering and observing them and then they looked up at me and noticed me looking…. And all of a sudden it drops to the ground and hides in the plants… lol… I got a download to find the teachers, even if they’re hiding… lol.. I also had an earlier download that said they maybe family, but that doesn’t mean you’ll agree… lol… This does not happen to me often… this was the first time when I was in isolation and I was trying to remember my dreams… I would literally hold a pencil in my hand on top of a notebook and when I’d get something I’d try to write it down…the next morning I’d have to go back and try to rewrite so it’s legible. I don’t know if this is going to lead to anything… but I did get the feeling that there are Awakened ones out there too… and it seemed like I was getting images of them.. and I might go and look for them so I can learn from them… and maybe see if they’d like to collaborate. I’m not sure but again… I find it interesting. I didn’t tell this guy all these details but I told him of seeing this star person… so again… I’m open to have it be true for me in my reality. But I also mentioned that I’m Awake and I didn’t have any troubles in school… lol.. I loved school so I said that we all have talents and gifts to share regardless of our backgrounds. That also makes me want to comment on the whole Dali Lama thing going on… he has so much to share and teach but maybe he’s not the one to go to… to learn about sexuality… lol…. He doesn’t have much direct experience with different degrees of dealing with sex. Just because he doesn’t know much about sexuality shouldn’t defame him and all he’s been able to create in our world. I feel that’s why I’m so curious to meet more people who are Awake, but honestly they don’t even have to be Awake… but I love to learn… and I know there is so much I don’t know… I want to meet people who have been interested in other areas I haven’t been introduced to. What would it be like for everyone to nurture their gifts, talents, and interests to their full potential individually.. but when they engage with someone else with different qualities.. I feel it will elevate because of the differences or another perspective… lol So I was telling him I needed time to process and integrate… I mentioned I was doing this Journal. I was telling him that I had a fear that I didn’t know was there when it came to sharing ceremony. I went through these sexual experiences this last time that really made me uncomfortable to head right back into ceremony, because I didn’t want similar situations to come up and for me to respond the way I did. I know if I can work it out and integrate… I’ll be able to respond in a manner that’s respectful for my guests and also myself. So I went into the whole ceremonies and also the struggle of masturbation… so I want to be autosexual at this time. He was chuckling at me because he said he would have never assumed that I would have any issues with that. I told him… how can you tell whether someone has those types of issues? I’m confident and I enjoy sexual banter and flirting… but that doesn’t stop my mind from creating a mental block to masturbate and orgasm naturally and freely. I told him… I’m not a man, but I can assume that he has never had issues of masturbating and ejaculating. In my mind I’d think once a young boy notices that stroking his penis is pleasurable… that they just continue to play until they ejaculate… and then that’s it… they’re on it and it’s easy. Now with so many individuals that occupy this world I cannot say its easy for every male, but in general it may be fair to say that it’s fairly easy. He said yes… he’s never had problems in these areas. That’s when he mentioned the 45 year woman who was admitting something similar to the issues I am having. I said I can’t speak for all women, but I know I’ve spoken to other women who have had issues too… so for us who have issues… it’s not easy to touch ourselves and result in orgasm. In fact it was uncomfortable to find touching myself as something natural. For me it was secretive and rushed as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Also I wanted it to be natural for me… so I placing a mask over myself. While we were talking I also thought there might be something that seems obvious to me, but maybe not obvious for men is the fact… they are the penetrators. I said again I’m assuming and I’m not speaking from everyone’s opinion… but do men ever ask how it feels to be able to trust and surrender for someone to enter them? Many men I know wants control… so I’d assume to trust and surrender would be a challenge for them. Well that’s what I have to do to allow someone to have sex with me. We were both laughing because… it’s not like I trust every male I just meet and I say ok… I’m ready to be penetrated now. I was casual with sex but not for that long, because I needed a relationship to be built to make it comfortable enough to share sex. I would even get curious of how penetration would feel like… again it’s not like it’s normal to penetrate myself but I would sometimes use my fingers to rub and circle their anus. I wasn’t just going for it, but I want to observe if they feel comfortable with me just touching. Sometimes I would mention if they would like me to try it and they said they prefer me not to. Maybe if they allowed me they would get a sense of how it feels to be penetrated…lol… it may be pleasurable… at least let’s give it a try… lol. I have penetrated myself and it’s pleasurable… some of my partners are really experienced and good… and I haven’t figured out what the difference is but the fact it’s someone else is involved with me. He was telling me he was trying to approach his partners differently and that’s when he ran into being in the friend zone for the first time. We didn’t discuss it but if he’s being open and honest with his potential partners then he’s having a conversation that he doesn’t want to only have sex with the women. That’s the thing wherever we are at… we can find someone who’s at that same mindset if we’re open and honest about it. So he wasn’t trying to have only sex with her… she has to tell him where she’s at as well… at least she has a chance to agree to this or not. If she’s not looking for sex only too… then I can assume she wants to build a relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened between them, but it seemed like they had great conversations but he felt like she didn’t want to have a sexual side to their relationship… so he said he had to let her know it wasn’t working for him. I laugh because… I’ve already friend-zoned him too. Everyone starts at the friend-zone now… lol… I told him I’m literally trying to popularize the friend zone… if I’m going to engage in a sexual relationship… I want to know who the hell I’m dealing with… lol… and I want them to know who they’re dealing with too. We’ve got to build a relationship because if it’s not based on sex then we have to know how to talk and engage in activities that we both find interesting… lol.. I told him about my style of Journaling… it can seem like it’s all over the place and can be assumed as chaotic… but eventually I assume people can glimpse the clarity of who I am through this style. But if they read my Journal… they have to go through that experience. I’m not a direct communicator in my Journal… so they have to work a little bit to get to understand me. That’s what happens in an intimate relationship with me too. If he doesn’t want to take time to get to know me… then it’s not going to be a fit. I asked if there was anything about her that he didn’t like or found unappealing to him. He laughed because it was just the fact he wasn’t having much sex with her. Well you say you want to have different types of relationships but you’re expecting this relationship as the same as your past. If it’s new… the results and the approach will have to change… lol… he said yes but he didn’t know it was going to be that much difference… lol… well… you know where you are and what you’re looking for. You can continue to approach this new desire for a new type of relationship… then you’re going to have to open yourself up to a new ways of connecting. He said he’s sick of having sex and just staring at the ceiling afterwards… lol… many of the women doesn’t have conversations he enjoys… or they didn’t establish a relationship to a point where they were uncertain what to do when they were finished having sex with each other. I can use this advise that I gave him about having a new approach…. I’ve already been questioning my habits of thought when I go to masturbate… I’m trying a new approach but I don’t know if I know new techniques to try… hmmm…. I’ll have to see. Shit are there pornography on how to masturbate… lol… maybe that’s an option.. lol.. i don’t know, but I’m curious. I don’t think I’m at that point yet, but I could probably get there if I need to… lol… but I know it’s my mind… it was my conditioned mind that was stopping me… that’s where I have to put the focus on how to relax it enough… I know I will get there. In many ways I’m trying to get the masculine and feminine to attract each other. Again I’m a hopeful romantic and so I continue in different ways to close this distance that seems to been created in our society. In my experience I’ve been trying to embrace both my femininity and masculinity… understand the balance that fits me. I can generally speak about the women around my age is learning to embrace their masculinity too. Some may even take it to extremes because it’s common for the pendulum to swing too far when they are making adjustments… but I see more of the youth more comfortable with expressing both their masculinity and femininity… which I feel is a good thing. It’s when people put their judgements on what they think they should be doing and how they should be doing it does it create toxicity. I know many people who complain about the youth, but the youth that I speak with… I’m hopeful… lol… not that they don’t have a lot to learn, but they’ve got great intelligence and I can find deeper conversations with the youth then I can with some of the elderly or my age. Existence is continually increasing consciousness… and I can see it in my experiences. But it’s not they’re turn to be in leadership roles right now… So if they are patient they won’t have to defend or question themselves as much. I’d love for them to gain enough consciousness to trust their individuality… if that causes people to get triggered… good… there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through… lol… I’ve tried to stop triggering people but I guess that’s just how it works right now… I’m not trying to trigger anyone, but if it happens… there’s a lesson to be learned by the person who is being triggered. I used to try to appease people’s feelings, but if that leads me to be untrue to my authenticity… then I’m going to be me and whatever happens happens. I know I’ll continue to be a better communicator to even warn them that my response may trigger you or rub you the wrong way… but that’s not my intention. My intention is to be true to me and respect you… and if it happens to differ then we can continue the conversation without shutting down or creating walls. Lol… I’m not sure who I hear this from, but I believe it’s one of the tarot readers say… rejection is your protection…lol… if there is a wall that goes up… then that’s a good time to go in a new direction. Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way, but for now that is the case…lol So I’m supposed to be meeting with the other gentleman who wants to share ceremony with me. I’m hoping his wife will be there too. She was there when we met in person the first time. He and I have been texting since briefly but I thought it beneficial to have them both involved. I’ve been checking up on them on social media and it looks like he’s doing really well. I’m excited and curious how our conversation will go. I’m sure I’ll be talking about this Journal… lol.. so I’ll remember to ask permission to discuss our conversation before I head out. But yeah this seems like a good stopping point.

Ok.. before I move on from the last topic I didn’t mention that I did get a chance to briefly talk to the minister after service. I felt like I did when I was talking to the ladies after their session in Peru… I wanted to talk to him but everyone likes to give each other hand shakes and say hello. So there’s a little social time. He made his way around and I did over hear a little bit of the conversation of a man to the minister… something about the coffee pot.. he had something similar that happened to him… I was chuckling a little to myself but I didn’t pry too much. I was making my way around and found myself sitting and observing. I feel comfortable in that position most of the time… lol… he made his way to me and we shook hands and I said I enjoyed his service. I told him I visit several churches while I travel… it’s actually nice to visit a service who speak in English. I get a better idea of what the conversation is. He laughed… well maybe soon our services will be in Swahili soon… In the last year they grew their congregation to double their size from immigrants from Africa… many many children… many of the adults do not know English well.. and the children are learning quickly because of school. We agreed we love to learn new languages so he’s up for the challenge if that’s what needs to happen. He’s a modest man… and he wants to get to know me more… this is my third time in service. He asked… I don’t remember.. what do you do for work? I told him I’m not working right now. I told him I was traveling around Peru for 8 months last year.. and I’ve got a lot to process so I’m still processing what I experienced. I said actually… I found it interesting in your service when talking about Jesus’s death and resurrection… I had a similar experience in my spiritual practices which is why I need time to process. He said oh… that’s interesting. He asked if I speak Spanish. I said I’m learning… in fact I enjoyed having a Spanish conversation with your daughter last time. He said yes both of his kids are learning quickly. That’s when another lady joined our conversation. She said your daughter is just too intelligent for her own good… I laughed… I said she’s not too intelligent… she’s perfect! She realized what she said and she said… yes that’s true… it’s not a bad thing she’s so intelligent… she just needs to adjust herself on the idea of how intelligent children are. We all chuckled and by this time my grandma was ready to leave… So I said it was nice to see everyone again… until next time. And maybe I’ll have more time to have a conversation. Again… he’s a young minister and I enjoy how he approaches his service and they have him leading the children in their congregation… and his children are brilliant young lights… so he’s going to be a leader here. I’d like to get to know him more and see if we can find a way to teach each other even if we have different approaches… we’re spiritual workers… so we’ll be able to find ways to communicate and understand and learn from each other. If it happens to continue in that direction or not. My little buddy and I are more lovey dovey lately… He goes through different swings in his mood… he had a few days where he was wanting to be by himself… and today and yesterday… he’s been laying on me and wanting me to love on him more… I try different things to see if I can put him in situations where he won’t feel like he wants to run away… that he’ll just stick with me and allow me to love on him. So he was on lying his front paws and his head on my abdomen area… and he was purring and loving on it. And then I thought maybe I can pull the covers over us. Again normally he would instantly get up and get out from under the covers. This time… he was too relaxed and unconcerned that he allowed me to continue petting him while he payed there. I used my other hand to hold the covers up so it wasn’t wrapping around his body. After a while I did drop the hand but tried to create a little gap around his head… he let it continue a little longer but then he got up to get out from under the covers. I’m just trying to get him to trust me more… and have him enjoy me loving on him… even if I might have things he’s not used to liking… but I try a little here and there… and it’s good to see a positive progress. Small moments of improvement is rewarding with me and my little guy. Yes he’s trusting more, but he also sees that when he’s ready to get out.. I won’t stop him… so again building trust. Hmmm… I want to jump back to the spiritual worker. I’ve been trying to find a way to let people know what I do with my time… lol… I’ve tried to say I follow where my spirituality leads… maybe spiritual worker might work… or just being spiritual. Lol… I don’t see I have to do something specific that is separate from what I do… I’m continually deepening my spirituality. But many people assume I mean I’m religious and I’m a Christian… lol.. that’s just where my environment seems to be drawn towards. Can i just say I’m learning myself more…. Lol… I’m learning my relationship with existence deeper. That’s what I do… The activities I participate in I’m learning to enjoy and appreciate having this opportunity but I do find that I try to process what these activities I’m learning about my relationship to existence. I know most people ask what do I do… most people want to know how I make money…. Lol.. I’m reminded of a previous conversation with a gentleman at an art party… lol. It was the first time we had met and he asked me what do I do… I was a little sassy at that moment so I asked… what are you really asking? Are you asking what inspires me to live or what activities do I participate in to make money? My spirituality inspires me to live life and I find myself in ceremonies in the jungle to get guidance on how to continue to inspire me to live authentically and freely. When it comes to making money… I do anything that happens to come into my existence when I need to make money to find ways to find more inspiration for my spirituality… lol. He didn’t know how to respond. I assume that he’s already been informed by the other guests that I use Aya… and they assume I’m a woo-woo idealist… who has no understanding of the real world which is full of suffering and hate. I know what I put myself in when I go to these gatherings. In fact when I first started going I didn’t realize this was the case. They advertise it as an art group and they call it a no woe group. So I took it as face value… I found amazing, creative, and brilliant individuals. I love hearing about their passions. What I didn’t know is that they like to get together and drink and smoke so by the end of the night most of their conversation is complaining about how much life sucks. Well at first I’m sitting there trying to convince them… the world does not suck… life is great.. and so they will tell all the stories and situations where life is not great.. and why it sucks. I’d sit there and try to give my stories and situations where it doesn’t suck. At this time I didn’t know I was able to lose my energy engaging in situations like this. First of all… it was like one versus let’s say ten. I as the newcomer did not have the same ideas that they did… so they all had to convince me that I was wrong and that I should understand their group think. I continued to go at first because they were very interesting people… but I continued to feel drained when I left. I even asked another of my girlfriends to join me and I warned her and she didn’t understand until again near the end of the night and this happens every time… they all get into that mode of complaining. She said oh my goodness… that is draining. I apologized to her but I was thinking i was exaggerating… I guess i wanted to confirm from someone else that I wasn’t crazy… lol… well I stopped going to the group gatherings. Now there were a few that I was able to hangout with without the group and our engagements didn’t get to that point. They were enjoyable. I went to one of the gatherings earlier this year… I was curious to see if anything is different. Of course I was hopeful, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. They still liked to gather and complain… but they’re fun and charismatic too so they don’t make it obvious… they are very slick… it’s kind of fun to see how they have conversations with people they might not be facing. It seems like they’re having a one on one conversation… but there conversation is for the whole group to hear. So I have adapted to their style of subtlety. I know it makes people uncomfortable that I don’t find it satisfying grinding a job I don’t enjoy. Many people are grinding in this manner so when they hear someone who chooses not to be a part of the grind… it pisses them off. That’s what they like to complain about… well shit… she’s not part of the grind and so she doesn’t want to sit here and bitch with us… well that’s not along the story i continue to tell myself… I can’t keep saying I have to grind and complain… I can see she doesn’t want to do that… but because I haven’t experienced anything different than I’m going to accuse her that she really can’t overcome this. They haven’t been able to… so no one else can do it. Now honestly I had to work out of the grind, right. I’ve definitely been in that cycle of grinding and complaining. I just couldn’t live with myself with the constant complaining without making changes. I reached a spot where I was just grinding for only half the year… lol… So when I found the little mountain village where tourist season was around 5-6 months… I found that opportunity to travel after the season. I started with one month, then two months, then four months, and finally then eight months. There it was… I was attempting to just be inspired to live life. I didn’t know where it would lead or how long it would be… I just wanted to get a taste of how that feels like. My conditioning stumble through so I tried a few positions to make money when I returned, but again obvious it was not what was right for me… like I’ve said I needed time for isolation to understand the transformation I went through… am going through. I’m back here in my unsuspecting sanctuary… but why here? Not only is it a sanctuary, but this is where many of my conditioning was caged too. I know it’s helping me heal… by giving me time to focus my attention on the changes I have, but I also need to uncreate the conditions placed upon me unconsciously… so I have to unravel this. And this cage can become comfortable especially since change is unknown… but I know I’m working my way to break free from this cage. This is making me feel about my personal journal I was writing in my isolation. I was comparing this experience as the metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly. I’ll look at this again. So most of my life I was this caterpillar. My vision was limited and it was an effort to look around from one direction to another… but mostly I walked in a straight line… at times I would decide to walk in a new direction but it was in a straight line but it was a different path. When I found myself in ceremony in my mind it’s like I didn’t know but existence told me it’s time to go into my chrysalis. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t really know why it was time, but even in ceremony I had visions of being in my chrysalis. I had visions of even shedding my old skins like a snake. Both applied to my understanding… I was outgrowing my old self and becoming a new version of me. I had several occasions where I found myself still in the chrysalis… I even thought… when am I going to be a butterfly? Well… it took me four years inside that chrysalis… my caterpillar self has to literally die before I could transform into the butterfly. That’s what I experienced in a sense during my ceremonies of the Awakening. But I found out that I just don’t automatically know how to be a butterfly though. This is something I haven’t experienced yet.. so how do I continue when all I remember is being a caterpillar? I knew that my stage of the metamorphosis I was in… is the butterfly trying to escape the chrysalis… this barrier I created to protect myself when i was a caterpillar. It wasn’t created to stop me, but the process of breaking though I need to get strength in my new body of awareness to escape from my past protection. I don’t need that protection anymore. As I’m in this chrysalis it’s not as easy to break through as I might have one thought. I could even admit that it would be nice if someone outside my chrysalis could see me struggling inside trying to escape. Can someone help me escape? Well again if anyone other then the butterfly interferes with the escape… the butterfly didn’t build enough strength to survive after the assistance. So no… no one else can assist me really… I have to build my strength to escape my past myself… I’m still in this chrysalis but I’m getting visions or my imagination is increases to degrees of what a life like a butterfly could mean. It’s very powerful so it’s like I can almost taste it… but I know I cannot rush this process. What does it feel like having a broad range of perspective? A higher perspective compared to the ground perspective? How will time work? I’ll be able to flutter from one position to another in a much greater speed compared to when I was crawling around like a caterpillar. Even though I’m gaining the strength to escape the chrysalis, but how do I fly? Can I assume that I won’t naturally know how to fly? Will there be a struggle to learn that? Will the struggle be worth it? Maybe the struggle will be overcome by then? Maybe it will be easy and effortless? Easy and effortless sounds like what I want to create as a butterfly. Easy and effortlessly… yes that’s what I want to create. I’ve been entertaining this affirmation for a few years now. I went from impossible, to hard, to challenging, to get’s easier… it’s time for easy and effortlessly. I recognize that challenges I’ve faced wasn’t as difficult as I once thought it was. And when I’m honest… it was easy when I put my attention and time into it. I did have to use effort… but that was because I didn’t trust myself or existence to the degree I understand now. I’m confident that my decisions will be the best I can do at that moment and i will continue to learn and this will continue to create a reality I want to create. I know this approach is new and so my creations will continue to mature as I mature. Easy and effortlessly… I’m ready to upgrade and program my system. yeah this is a good time for a break. My body wants a little more attention tonight… lol.. been doing the massage and I did it when I woke up…my body is worth the attention… lol… alright until next time.

Ok… well today I continued my napping… lol… even my dad asked me if I feel alright.. i said yes but I just feel tired… so I slept…lol… now that I’ve gotten rid of many things I’m back to organizing them… lol… I’d like to get the studio organized for my dad… I’d like for him to know where I’m storing things so he doesn’t have to ask… he can just grab and go. He’s already thinking about changing up his bedroom again. He still wants to be able to have. A hot tub and sleep in the space and he’s lifting everything up. I think he’s going to do a loft style bed instead of having to lift up the flooring and removing his bed. He said he wants to use my space as a changing room/ closet so that’s nice to know. I can start hopefully clearing out his clothes in the closet that he never uses. They’ve been sitting in there unused for I don’t know how many years… I’ve mentioned to him maybe we can go through it… but of course it’s not the most fun thing to do, but I think I can work it out with him. We’ve had some rainy days the last few days which is hopeful. I’d like to clean and organize the kitchen soon. He’s been trying to hook the water through the water heater and run new lines to the bathroom to get that a little more easy to use. I’m going to see if he’s ready to talk to the water company. There’s been this leak going on for over 10 years now and they’ve shut off the main valve. I think he’s going to worry about digging up his back yard because of his trees… but I figure it he can do it now before he adds more would be best…. But I’ll see what he’s thinking. I’d rather have it as easy as it can be for him. But he can be set in his ways… so we’ll see I’ve been thinking a little more about attending church with my grandma. lol… I don’t mind attending church with people but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been able to hear service and it’s been interesting listen to them. First of all I did like them having several ministers speaking and they all have their own interpretation on the subjects they are focusing on. Even if they had slightly different views it’s nice to have the variety and also nice to know that the congregation should infer if their leaders have various views then they can as well. The last time there was a younger man who led the service and I hadn’t heard him speak before. I’ve seen him play the piano and I really enjoy his family… his wife, his daughter, and his son. I actually talked to the daughter most. How people treat her sometimes… she likes to talk with people and of course everyone is trying to hush her up or at least make sure she knows she’s supposed to be quiet during service. As far as I can see she is extremely bright. I think it’s obvious to her that she’s going to be respectful during service but before and after she likes to socialize. The last time we spoke we found out we are both learning Spanish and so we were practicing together. I feel she knows more than I do… and again it’s less stressful learning with children. Lol.. my grandma hushes me too every time we enter the building. It’s funny to me… because I’m just literally talking normal and I’m just having conversation with her as we are nearing the front door. I open that door and finishing a sentence and there comes the hushing. It doesn’t enter into the church… there’s a hallway… and even a vestibule/ sitting area to enter before the chapel. It’s just funny, but anyway… the topic he was talking about was doubt. It was a continuation I guess from their service for Easter last week. He leads the youth and he likes to teach in threes so it’s easy to remember and it was… lol… he wanted to focus on that we all have doubt, we all need faith, and we need to have a system when we find ourselves in doubt. Instead of going over his beliefs I want to see what I had gained from being involved with listening to his words. We all have doubt: yes I’ve had doubt, but I also feel that this doubt doesn’t always have to be present. I feel like most of my work is to overcome my fears and doubts and I’ve been making great strides to understand this. I recall different spiritual leaders I have observed and there is something I run into at times. There was a women group in Peru that I attended their group and it was lovely and granted I didn’t understand it fully but I had friends helping me translate and a lot could be interpreted closely. It types to what I wanted to discuss with this gentleman too. They want people to accept they have doubt, fear, sadness, anger, and a feeling of loss. I feel like they want people to understand that these feelings are common for the human collective… they don’t encourage someone to feel alone when they feel these things. The women were tying it together by purging these feelings that might be stagnant in them. They set up a little alter with natural elements to use as a symbol to clear or cleanse these fears, sadness, anger, or feeling of loss. Many women were emotionally purging and expressing which was beautiful. I was waiting to see what their next step was, but there wasn’t any… I ended up going to two of the leaders of the women’s group and I asked them if they anticipate a time in their lives that they won’t have to experience fear, sadness, anger, or loss? They said it was impossible. I asked maybe they haven’t experienced it yet, but does their spirituality give inspiration to eventually be able to live a life without those feelings? They said no. During this event I was observing but I didn’t feel like participating in the purging process because at that time I didn’t feel like purging anything. It was my first and only time sharing this space with these women… and so I did feel bad for not participating. But at that moment I didn’t know of anything to purge and so I was respectful to them but I didn’t want to create something to be sad about, or create something to be mad about , or create something to be fearful or, or create something to feel loss for when I didn’t feel like that in that moment… I guess I wasn’t ready to process things I went through during some of my ceremonies at that time, but honestly none of those feelings came up. I was more into observing and also curious to what their leaders were wanting to teach. When it came to this minister he had made a comment that if you are someone who doesn’t think you have doubt then that’s more of a concern then admitting you have doubt. And yes I can agree to this to some degree. But there can be a different state that might seem like they are behaving in the same manner, but there reasoning may be different. Right if someone is not aware they are experiencing doubt and they are just trying to pressure themselves to ignore the doubt they might feel could be one way… They may experience doubt but deny it to themselves and others because they don’t want to admit this happens to them. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in the place where I know I have doubts and instead of expressing them… I would hold them in a let them fester inside without really knowing what I should do with these doubts. I also have found that festering inside was not helping me but learning how to purge and process these doubts as more beneficial. The purging is releasing what could be said as the toxicity is was creating sitting inside. But the processing is just as important then the purging. Again this is what I try to explain in ceremony with my guests. I tell them this is a purging ceremony… we’re going to work together and try to release and purge whatever we can and as much as we can. It will be as if we start you back as a clean slate. But what we choose to do from this point forward will determine what comes back in and how quickly. So that’s where the processing or integration comes into play. This is where the real work begins. I speak with them and I mention a few areas in their life they admitted needs work and desires to be changed. I’ll let them know… so these specific areas you will have to figure out a way to approach differently then what you remember, because what you remember will keep you playing out the same story over and over again. If you keep doing this then we’ll just fill ourselves back up with the toxicity that we just got rid of. But I told them… they can find their own ways to clear this out of their systems. I’ve learned how to clear my system out. I don’t remember all the time to do this and so ceremony has to remind me… hey there… you’ve been paying too much attention to others you aren’t noticing your own energy is being diluted with toxicity that doesn’t need to be there…. So we’re going to have you focus on yourself right now. I’m usually very grateful because I realize I have blind spots and it’s a new process for me so I’ll forget, but to have gentle reminders is good and I’m grateful. Let’s continue… but can I intuit that I’m working my way to not experience doubt anymore. Honestly yes… I’m already experiencing that my judgements on myself, others, and existence was out of a place of being like unconscious. I’m realizing that I was conditioned to judge myself, others, and existence by a like unconscious society. But I’m already understanding that I don’t want to judge myself anymore and I can see that this will be the state I’m going to live. The more I live in this state the more I will not want to judge others or existence. Existence is something I cannot explain… it’s ultimate consciousness which knows the overall goal of elevating universal consciousness but it can weave miracles in and around the universe to create this and depending on our level of consciousness we’ll judge it or be in awe of it. I’m in awe of existence. I’m learning to trust existence completely and learning to trust myself completely that I truly can intuit and work towards a state of no doubt. I see this state as different then the first state of no doubt… the first state of no doubt was actually a mask pretending that doubt did not exist. If someone isn’t working themselves to the latter state of no doubt, then people who are working on this state… they will assume it’s impossible or not understand us who want to obtain this state for ourselves. This is a good way to lead into the next topic he wanted to address was we all need faith. He had a good reasoning behind his statements… he said that we live on faith all the time. We have faith that the sun is going to come up and go down. Lol… he spoke about his trusty coffee maker he has faith in to work for him every morning. But he said he knows many skeptics who literally live in fear that the sun will not rise again. And they can be at this state because they don’t have faith. He also mentioned how one morning his trusty coffee maker died one morning but instead of losing his faith, he went and purchased almost the exact same model to replace it. He continued to recall tidbits of the resurrection of Jesus which was being discussed because of Easter. He said that hearing about these events he could understand people can have doubts that Jesus died and was able to resurrect himself three days later. He said he’s never seen anyone else do this so it can cause him to have doubt that this could or did happen. He said he lives his life with faith and using his belief systems trusts that this event did happen. Using his system he creates to help him in moments of doubt. I’ll get back to this in a little bit, but right now I’d like to explore the word faith and direct experience. Maybe I feel like there needs to be a distinction made. Obviously if we are students of Leo… he’s been able to communicate in a much larger capacity to this then I am and how much I want to go into it now. But I didn’t really see his examples of faith as the best examples except this concept that Jesus died and resurrected. That to me was his faith statement. The sun rising is more of a direct experience that has been consistent enough to not unstable him from worrying that the sun will not rise the next day. Again the coffee maker was also a direct experience which was consistent enough for him to rely on it to work until it didn’t, but he gained enough direct experience to not have this unstable his by going and purchasing a replacement. Now what happens when the sun doesn’t return the next day? Would we have enough direct experience to be able to stable ourselves to continue? It’s hard to assume how I would respond, but again I am gaining so much trust in myself and existence that if that was to happen… I feel like I’m working my way to accept this event and continue to live without doubt because there’s reasons why existence has created this for me to experience. I guess this goes back to just my studies of world religions and oversimplifying it greatly but to keep it brief and direct to what I’m trying to convey here is… there are individuals who have Awakened or became Enlightened to the fact that death does not exist. Existence exists regardless if perceived as a physical or a nonphysical manner. When we’ve had direct experience of this… if existence decides it’s time to remove the sun from the picture… this doesn’t mean death. Death is not what we think it is until we have a direct experience of death as a continuation of existence in a different form. So technically it may cause death to this shared perceived physical world but it’s not the end of it all. There is no end… existence will continue to exist. We intuit these spiritual leaders have gone through direct experiences that have led them to live lives that seem god-like because it’s so different from what we experience on the day to day with other people maybe. I’ve spoken to people… family members even, who look at Jesus as god-like and completely give up their chance to live like Jesus… he’s too grand and special… they are not worthy of obtaining these qualities for themselves. I’m not a Christian but I tell them… I want to live like Jesus… I want to have direct experiences of being like Jesus, but in my own way. Not only are they comfortable with me not being Christian, but the nerve to think I am worthy to be on equal grounds as Jesus is just insane. They pray for me. I’ve spoken to people who are inspired by the Buddha… I like their approach as well, because with Buddha they seem his as a human… they want to follow his teachings because with his techniques they know they will be on equal grounds of the Buddha. I know some realize this but maybe some do not… Jesus and the Buddha did not have teachers correct? Well they might have had teachers but they didn’t follow blindly… they really created something unique to their way of learning and gaining understanding of higher spiritual teachings. They didn’t have books telling them what to do. How is this possible? How could they possibly obtain higher wisdom without others telling them what to do and how to think? How could they create certainty in themselves they were doing the right thing to lead them the right way to get to where people can only imagine to obtain? And because we imagine we really don’t know unless…. We found our own way to understand. And that’s what i have to say from here… I don’t know how they did it. But I know I found a way for myself. Everything becomes my teachers… I realized existence is my teacher… which includes everything… which includes myself. I was able to gain an understanding where what I experience I can listen to myself to help guide me at the state and time of my understanding. For me I had to go through a series of experiences to learn what I could and then continue to learn more. I don’t need faith to guide me any longer because I’ve had a direct experience that existence is infinite. As infinity I had a choice to continue experiencing in this physical manner or not. I chose to continue and I enjoy experiencing… what else can I do with my time… lol… if I only exist… I have time to direct my focus here. Faith is not the only way to live… there are larger existential questions that can be directly experienced so faith transforms to knowing or being. Actually I’m definitely ok in saying I don’t know… Again I am choosing to learn not to know. When I experienced infinity excites me because I love to learn and I know i won’t stop in my learning… that’s amazing for me and very satisfying. And instead of what I once thought I wanted to learn everything… I‘ve changed to wanting to dive deeper into my interests. Yes I know when I get introduced to new areas this will help inspire me to gain deeper depths in things I’ve been learning for years. I can reason out that my entire existence is to get to know myself… and even with an infinite existence it’s never final in my learning… that’s quite remarkable. I want to keep my thoughts flowing and finish my thoughts of the ministers topics. His final topic was to create a system to help when in doubt. He mentioned his community referring to the church, and also the teachings of people who are more experienced than himself. I think at this point he had mentioned a book “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen Covey. I had read this book and found it helpful at the time I read it… I could see how much I was overworking and doublechecking my coworkers at the time, because I didn’t have much trust in their abilities. I knew my father was the one person I trusted to most… and when we work together how easier it was for me and how much faster it was because I trusted him. I can’t remember everything… it’s been awhile and that insight helped guide me to build relationships differently than what I was doing at the time. But I did laugh… I’m trying to remember what his insight was out of the book… but it was different than my insight. And that makes sense… we are interpreting words differently than others and that’s a good thing. We can have communities and teachers to help us in doubt… but ultimately we have to trust ourselves. I also was laughing to myself because he said when reality kicks you hard and you lose your sense of direction and filled with doubt… if you were to do it on your own… it would be traumatic. That was a good description of how I felt when I went through my last three ceremonies by myself. They were so mind blowing to me at the time that I tried to reach out to the communities that I thought was going to help support me through the process… There were fellow Aya spiritualists that I tried to speak with who were saying I’m crazy. I went to the three most influential men in my life who also said I was crazy… i spoke to non Aya friends who know me quite well who were also implying I’m crazy but in a sweet way… lol… I knew I wasn’t crazy but I also knew what I was saying could sound crazy to anyone else because they didn’t experience what I did. So I knew… there was no one to turn to… I only had myself and at the time… I was trying to find a sanctuary to isolate myself so I can process and integrate… I didn’t know where to go at first. I thought an ashram but I didn’t have the money to go. I thought there was an opportunity to rent a hut outside of Machu Picchu from a friend of a friend which didn’t fall through. It started getting close to summer and my routine was telling me… I ran out of time.. it’s time to work so go back to the mountains to work… but i knew working was what I needed… I needed a sanctuary. I even tried to just relax like a retiree there… I went camping with my buddy and we did a roadtrip together… but I wasn’t getting the alone time I needed. I tried to work and I knew it wasn’t going to work and even though it was fun for a second I quickly became irritable because I knew I was ignoring my need for solitude. At last I thought I could go back to my dad’s place. Again that wasn’t an option because I thought the hoarding was going to be too much for me to handle… but it doesn’t take me long to get things done…. So clearing out a space to have a bedroom and a studio space wasn’t hard… but again I forgot how autonomous I was with my dad. My dad has always allowed freedom and patience and love for me. He doesn’t have to understand my spirituality… but he loves me and he knew I needed this time and space to hermit. It was exactly what I needed and it surprises me that it took me so long to think of it… lol… so again… I did have to find a community… a community that I had used in over 20 years. But being in this town there is a sense of comfort and safety that I can say I don’t find anywhere else… at least right now. I was still in deep in my conditioning in a less conscious way. But I felt I could really let my hair down here and again my dad’s approach to life and parenting has really helped me develop my style in a more authentic manner. If I needed this time… he will give me this time. I don’t ask for much so I’m not going to deplete him of his resources. I hope he feels I give him value in my company. I guess in a way I worked myself into a way of finding guidance in teachers who are more experienced than myself… I found myself on the forum… lol.. and the first few messages I was getting from Leo… not that they were directed at me… but again I can use words to get more own direction… he is an amazing trigger for me to look deeper in myself to find my own answers. It was great he said no one on the forum is Awakened… and right away I was damn it… well maybe I’m not. But he knows he can’t tell us if we are or not… we have to know it for ourselves. Lol… believe me when I went through those ceremonies of Awakening I wanted to celebrate… finally holy shit.. I’ve done the work and I’ve finally got here… I want to celebrate but when I told anyone of my communities… that added to them thinking i was crazy… lol… so there was no one to celebrate with… but I still hadn’t integrate what the difference was in this transformation… and using the Journal on this Forum has been a blessing to help me realize how differently I’m interacting with my mind… it’s been fascinating. I’m trying to give a picture through this Journal but the reality of it is unexplainable. Although that won’t stop me from trying.. lol.. I knew from my first attempt to write my first entry that I had awakened… I went through a very spiritual purification connecting deeply with myself and the music and everything came together and I knew I had awakened. I knew that I’m going to transform myself to become abundant and allow attraction in… but when I went to post… it all erased. At first i was shocked and was like why? Well… I needed to use this process to better explain it to myself and to anyone else who might be interested in these things… lol. Again I don’t know all the details that are coming up in my life, but I’m certain the more clarity I have the easier it will be to continue. I love challenges, but I’m looking for more ease too. Ok… I think it’s a good time to break… but because of my nap… I’m still ready to move forward in my learning.

When in the experience of it are the body and mind communicating? When I experience something I feel like I can listen to my bodies responses and I’m aware of what my mind is thinking. Is it scientific data from a large group that’s been studied in this manner that peaks an interest? I can see why that’s appealing, but I find it more interesting when I observe myself and my own studies.

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head. My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more. Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward. I know there’s a connection to be found. It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going. I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique. It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up. I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time. I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards. So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change. First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more. I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself. This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself. I haven’t been creative in this area. I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure. I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on. So I’m not sure how to take my time into it. There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up. I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance. But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too? Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with. I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate? Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself? Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before. Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with. He was so fun and he was handsome. We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually. But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play. I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time. My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him. I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it! But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready. He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too. We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that. He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation. He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control. I knew I would’ve regretted it. We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept. Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed. He’s a very fascinating man! I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me. And I was able to create those boundaries up front. Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along. I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted. And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic. Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them. Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since. It hasn’t been brought up. When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me. Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself. It was different then… everyone was consensual. Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with. He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him. I stopped him and then quit the private dance. He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not. I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again. One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent. They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway. But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me. I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further. I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved. I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties. I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party? I don’t know. But I do know I love outer play? I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly. I had my first experiences with being intimate with women. And I really enjoyed it. They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed. And they’re really slow and soft too. I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners. And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time. I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more. Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion. I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience. I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out. And I guess I’m ready to do that now. I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way. I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy. I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality. I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen. But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do. So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first. But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die. My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.” He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass? In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die? Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife? I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths. I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath. I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them. I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality. So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now. I’m going to leave this existence. During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid. In fact there was a part of me wanting to die. I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again. Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again. And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind. I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again. Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die. It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down. I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with. I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes. I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die. And immediately I was disgusted with myself. It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience. I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me. I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing. I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death. I told him I was ready to passé. And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying? It made no sense to me. Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep. I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning. I was pretty much going through a panic attack. Why the hell is it my time to die? Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future? I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now? Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die? My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me. He created a special plant bath and had me cool off. He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die? Why was I not scared in ceremony? Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence? What am I missing? His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day. His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony. What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé. That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant. They could see I was not my normal self. And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night. I even admitted I thought I was going to die. And I’m afraid to die. I could barely communicate with anyone. I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down. I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences. I also slept a lot. I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die? He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death? He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand? He couldn’t think of another word. I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option. I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again. I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him. And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience. Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not. I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony. I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen. Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after. But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death? What did I stop myself from doing? Now I really did want to know what death felt like. It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure. In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality. At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language. I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time. I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that. Nothing was known at that part of was just being. I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me. Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner. I knew what he was saying. He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality. I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time. I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again. I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments. I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it. Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again. But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time. I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me. I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now. But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me. I found my safe haven with my dad. He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed. Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through? I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again? Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that? To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical? And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either. Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world. So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists. We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges. When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing? Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose. I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm. It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him. I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed. I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave. I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day. I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center. At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him. I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything. I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with. I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton! I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months. And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta. So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing. When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental. Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how. Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear. It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious. I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state. The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well. So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better? Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results. Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO! All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come. But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience. Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner. So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first. If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in. Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn. Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself. I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere. Because I know existence is already helping everything out. I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that. When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out. But again… I want to work it out with myself for now. I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again. I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate. I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out. I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time. With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play. I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation. I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now. It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads. I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now. So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that. I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not. I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine. I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given. I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no. Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity. I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why. Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason. I’m not desperate anymore. It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first. I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that. I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together. He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies. But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space. There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right. Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right. I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either. And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing. I’m enjoying the changes. I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about. Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people. I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming. I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better. But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue. If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves. I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that. Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different. If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times. Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too. But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children. I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality. And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life. Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in. Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship. Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality. Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol Alright… that feels good for tonight. Until next time…

@EdgeGod900 Hey there… I know the question was directed to Leo, but I’m wondering if we think what works for someone will work the same for us? From the comment… Feeling burned out while studying Engineering?