withinUverse

Well… it’s been awhile since I’ve written and there seems like there’s things that have happened that could be highlights… I guess I”ll just mention a few, but there’s something on my mind that I think journaling on here would be great to get down my thoughts. Let’s see… the last time I wrote was March 7th… so I did get an invitation to sing backup for a band at the festival of colors here at the temple. It was my first time singing on stage with a band and there were around 5,000 people so that was cool and it was quite fun! It was like a swing rock band and yes I really enjoyed that. It was the last weekend of March. It’s the main event of the year here at the temple and it was fun for a one time thing, but it’s not really my style of festival. Yes everyone loves the whole color aspect of it… throwing dyed cornstarch, but wow the cleanup is something else and all the plastic that is till being found on property from time to time because there’s so much trash that gets left behind… and combing the grass!?! Not sure if that’s the healthiest for the grass… but the guests seems to really enjoy it. And the temple has four llcs that I know of and it all seems to revolve around the festival. They have one for the admittance for the festival, they sell the colored power as another llc because they sell and ship the colors for other events that happen throughout the year, they have the third llc with the food they make and sell at the festival… I’m not sure if it’s also the same llc when it comes to the daily buffet… the last one they have is selling llamas which isn’t part of the festival… but I understand this is the one event that pretty much funds the temple monetarily I guess. But when it comes to this festival there is so much storage that is taken up for the event. There’s such a huge building which loooks like it would be a really cool space to use but it’s now just storage. I’m guessing it wasn’t built to be a storage space, but that’s what they talk about a lot… and they seem very proud of the results of how the event has taken them thus far. I’m not really sure if I feel it’s that successful because they don’t really have much of a “congress” i guess or their definition of devotees from this festival. People just come for the one day to enjoy but it doesn’t necessarily get them to want to explore what the temple is actually for. A week after the festival my buddy from Sweden came to visit me here at the ashram for two weeks. I really enjoyed having him around. We hadn’t seen each other in person in like 5-6 years, but it was easy to be around each other. He didn’t know what he was getting into while he was here… I tried to explain, but words just don’t give an encompassing ideas of what the actual experience can relay. But I think for the most part he enjoyed himself. The favorite thing he enjoyed was when we went camping on the full moon night in the desert with another friend. He has never done any psychedelics before and I wanted to do a Bufo ceremony for myself since it had been awhile, but I did invite them to join if they wanted to. It was not planned out, but they both said yes and they were both very timid especially since it was being smoked. My Swedish friend hasn’t really smoked before… he said he had done hooks maybe a hand full of times but not really. I didn’t get their permission about writing about their experience. But it went well for first timers. They definitely understand what I keep trying to explain that conversation will never grasp what ceremony is until they actually do it. I wouldn’t say they went in as deep as I would like… lol… I had to give them both shotguns of smoke for the first round. And I gave them a second round later by the fires and they did it on their own and it looked like they were giving their best effort. So it went exactly how it should’ve gone… just like it always does. I had my own issue I was working through during our camping trip that I knew I was going to face and observe to see how I responded to it. I was trying to not sleep on the same mattress as my Swedish buddy in the tent. I was saying how I’ll just sleep outside watching the stars, but I also ended up just giving in because I was making it much more of a bigger deal than it should have been… mostly in my mind… he is a very sweet man… and I trust him and goodness… it’s been a lifetime since I’ve cuddled with a man at night. So we did cuddle that night and I enjoy being held and touching another body… nothing intimate just companionship type. And I enjoyed it. In fact I had to tell him before he left that it has been a very long time since I’ve had that type of closeness… yes it wasn’t any kissing or sensual situations… but hugging and holding seems very intimate nowadays.. and so I told him this is why it might have felt like I was being a bit awkward… When he was done packing and we were about to head to the bus stop together I went ahead and jumped in his lap and held each other… because damn it…. It feels good to embrace. I use to be such a touchy feely person and I’ve noticed that I rarely touch anyone anymore… but I have been getting back to hugging people more. I love to hug and I feel like its become more natural again. We actually spoke to each other for the first time since he left today over video chat. It’s very easy to speak with him… because of our conversation is why I figured I can do some journaling tonight. I have found a neighborhood horse that is by itself in a smaller-ish pen that I’ve been visiting and while I was walking back I was like… yeah maybe we can write this stuff down… some of the insights I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been at this ashram for six months. I’ve been wondering what all I can be gaining and learning as I’ve been here… and there’s been a lot of rest and purging… but ideas have also been intriguing me a bit more so I think I’ll go ahead and write it out. Ok.. how do I start this? So… since my transition I’ve been observing the changes that have been going on in my reality now. Most of the messages I was receiving last time I was in my Aya and master plant dieta which now involves working with people… like collaborating with people. Prior to the Awakening most of my messages were very personal on what changes I can do to elevate my consciousness… but now I’m moving into a new direction… it’s not necessarily new since I’ve always wanted to better my skills in collaboration.. but it seems like the dynamics is much more connected into a web that continues to form in the back of my mind. And also understanding more of how the collective is part of who I am… the approach so far is far more passive. lol… I’m not sure if it makes sense but when I was working on my personal lessons it seemed like it was easier for me to make decisions in a more assertive way. Even though I still have assertive qualities, but when I’m searching for collaborators I feel most of my time is being passive and observant and curious to the people who are in my reality at this time. So… I’ve been trying to see why I was drawn to stay in this ashram at this time? First of all…. This has been the first actual ashram that I’ve ever stayed in. I’ve been looking to be involved in an ashram for six-ish years now… since I’ve consciously started my Spiritual journey. Wanting to have a space where I can focus on integration with the messages I’ve received and before I found this space… I assumed that I would have to be identified or label to a specific Eastern tradition to be able to be allowed to stay at an ashram. I remember when I was in Peru after my dieta thinking I’m going to have to go to India or something to find an ashram… my body was yelling at me to go and figure out what the hell just happened to me.. lol. I even did Sadhguru’s inner engineering program to be able to go and be a volunteer while I was at my dad’s before I decided to just stay there… because in a way it was a type of ashram as well. He allowed me so much space to just explore myself. And I’m so grateful to have him as a father who can allow me a year to digest what happened to me. I again thought it was time for me to start earning the bucks to get onto my journey with my visions hence I moved to Utah for the wilderness therapy gig… but shortly into the move I found an ashram that allowed me to stay. Again I’m extremely grateful to be able to find a place to continue my rest and understanding. I’m not certain this is a typical ashram though… lol… but it was the ashram I was supposed to find because there’s been so much I’ve been able to gain value as I’ve been here. I was very hesitant moving onto property because of the owners here. I’m going to try my best to portray my feelings without disrespecting them. But the personalities they have formed for themselves is typically not my cup of tea. And normally I wouldn’t have even given it a chance… but putting myself into uncomfortable situations has always been beneficial in my growth. I too wanted to see if or how I would be able to engage in this environment. I can say that I’m proud of how well I’ve been handling myself with such domineering personalities. It’s definitely similar to a my way or the high way type of thing here. They were told right off the back briefly about my Aya shamanism practices which has guided my spiritual practices along with yoga techniques. But not much detail went into this conversations because they aren’t really interested in getting to know what that actually means. I might be a broken record but they are more of the preaching way instead of the conversational way. They only want to tell their views of the “right” spiritual practices and have no interest in practices that aren’t their way. So I respected this and I did not go into details with them. I’ve been patient and I did actually get a chance to discuss this further on Thursday with one of them when we had a round trip of 3 hours in the car together. I was surprised she even asked more about it. It has only taken six months of time together for her to be curious enough to ask about my spiritual practices. It was nice to see that she was curious… I’ve been trying to demonstrate the difference between preaching and embodiment. And eventhough it’s a longer process to observe behavior… being patient and just being myself… I figured some day their might be conversations about how my approach to spirituality is eventhough it differs from their personal choice. Let’s just say… they’ve been looking for someone to take over and manage their property for around ten years now. There has been several devotees that have come and tried, but it doesn’t take long for them to give up on pursuit because of the owners personalities. I’ve heard that if the owners decide to actually leave for their retirement that most of the devotees who were interested in managing would return in a heart beat… but they aren’t going anywhere. That’s actually what I joined her in the car ride. She and her husband are finally going to build a separate cabin specifically and mostly for them to enjoy their remaining time in their bodies. They’ve been living in the basement of the shared cabin where all the volunteers stay while they are here. She finally said that it would be nice for them to have privacy. I agree and have the opportunity to rest in a deeper manner without having to engage with volunteers 24 hours a day. I know part of it is that they think they are living a selfless and simplified manner by living with the volunteers, but I also know that part of them doesn’t trust anyone so they didn’t trust having volunteers at the cabin without supervision. But they both turned 78 this year and they have decided that it’s time to be more in solitude when they aren’t active in temple activities. I’m glad they are going to do this for themselves. It’s not selfish to want this for themselves. Regardless of what I might say next, they have dedicated their lives to their spiritual practices to the best of their capabilities and they do deserve and be worthy of doing this for themselves. Now even though I’m proud of how I’ve done so far in this dynamic… I do have to admit that it’s been extremely challenging. There’s a lot of negativity and disrespect when it comes to conversations dealing with them… and I’ve been finding that there has been many months of being passive and not reactive to how much I dislike this behavior. It’s really uncalled for and their is far more effective ways to communicate, but again they are only doing the best of their abilities… I understand this, but in another way… the leaders are the example and to talk like a human a bit more… if I was a devotee of these leaders… I’d be a bit embarrassed or ashamed that they are the example to follow. It might be harsh but it is true. They definitely aren’t up to the standards I hold myself and that’s fine. That’s why it’s challenging for me to work anymore because the leaders I’m supposed to being working under just aren’t up to par. But that’s here nor there at the moment. Welp… Friday I showed a little bit of attitude when I was dealing with her as we were working with the llamas and a few volunteers. Granted… i do not mind at all helping her with chores she wants to do… but I’m at the limit it seems of how she communicates her wants. It is going to seem very picky because I’m only going to be giving one example which isn’t really going to explain the actual daily way of the communication we live with. But it seems like there has been buyers who are interested in purchasing some llamas right now. I might have my own personal issues of dealing with this along with how she barks instead of talks to us…. That led me to push at her buttons a bit. So the first buyer was coming and we had prepared around eight llamas by grooming them before they showed up to view and select. We were finishing up and she said she’d like to go ahead and take pictures of four alternative llamas that will be available for the second buyer in a month or so. We are short handed on the farm right now and with this being spring fever season… we usually don’t have the males and females together in the same area. And we definitely saw why… they haven’t had time in each others space and they get completely excited and don’t care what we have for them to do… hehe… I’m not sure why they haven’t been able to “play” together yet either… but this is not my call. Anyway the plan was to grab the four boys and quickly walk them through the barn where some of the ladies were and get them to an area on property where we’ll groom them and then take pictures. Well… as we are trying to get the boys out of the barn onto the property she was yelling at us to grab the brushes so we can groom them… we were just trying to get them out without any direct interactions but when we had to grab the brushes the male and females started to engage and of course they started to go nuts… not in a bad way… they were just all very excited to be around one another… and even though they get trained doesn’t mean they want to listen when they finally get a chance to be around the girls… hehe… so they are cheering and they are very strong so getting them away from the girls is not any easy task. We finally get them onto property and we start to groom them and a minute into brushing… which means we didn’t even really get a start she starts to yell at us to let’s go ahead and take pictures. I asked her… did you not want us to groom them for the pictures? She said never mind that just take pictures now. And for some reason it triggered me… hehe… i tossed my brush in the air and said well ok… this is bullshit but whatever she wants we better follow her demands. I led my llama to her and said llama… you better stand right here and don’t move because this is what she wants from you. Someone passed me a piece of straw grass and I said llama you better eat this grass right now because she told you, you have to eat it right now. She didn’t like the side view shot and wanted a different angle and I said man llama… why don’t you read her mind and do exactly what she wants the first time. She hasn’t had me respond this way to her before and she actually chuckled when she saw that she got under my skin a bit. Plenty of volunteers and devotees lash out back and forth but I’ve been able to stay calm until that day…hehe. And its just again holding in all these thoughts which isn’t healthy but I think it’s the respectful thing to do… to not feed her negativity, but i guess my reaction was fire with fire… of course it wasn’t that crazy disrespectful or anything, but again when it never happens it does create a response of woah… something just happened that doesn’t happen… of course my hope is for her to evaluate what might have gone down for me to react in this manner… but I already know she just told everyone I was in a bad mood. I said just because I’m trying to train her that I’m not going to continue to respond nicely if she chooses to only bark and not talk. And just because I’m not appreciating how she treats us doesn’t mena that my whole day is going to go sour and I’m upset with the whole world now. There just seems like there is always a state of emergency and importance to everything she wants done when she speaks her desires to the volunteers. Granted its not all the time… but I’d definitely give it a 60% of the time this is how she speaks to everyone. Taking pictures of the llamas is not an emergency and it wasn’t really of importance either. She even mentioned that she’ll have to probably take new pictures after they are groomed… ummmm…. Exactly… she couldn’t wait what 15 minutes for us to groom them before taking pictures… since there was three of us for four llamas… it might have taken possibly 30 minutes to do them all… but we had the time… and why in the hell was all the yelling about grabbing brushes if we weren’t going to even use them? This is one of the ways… which I’m sure she’s not fully aware of… of how she drains energy from the people who are involved with the volunteer work. She sits on her throne and bosses everyone around to do her bidding. Again mostly there’s not a conversation in a civil voice and attitude of respect when asking us to do chores for her, but a demanding and yes I’m going to continue to say a disrespectful manner to how she communicates. Again she is the owner and she’s an elder…so majority of us want to respect her… but there’s not reciprocal respect and so our energy gets drained. Goodness I would absolutely not want to hear her internal conversation with herself. The way we treat and speak to people demonstrates a part of how we treat and speak to ourselves. I’ve been trying to give a little heads up to the new coming volunteers to not take how they communicate personally… however, it does show us things to work on ourselves by our reactions or our responses… observe how we feel when we are engaged in these types of conversations. Most of the people here to volunteer are more then happy to help out around the temple, but instead of being grateful to have people to help out… it’s as if we’re incompetent laymen who should be grateful to have the chance to help at this temple. Ok… I’ve been going on this rant… seems like I needed to purge this out… but I’m going to gather myself and redirect my initial intention of this entry. So the Ashram aspect…. This is definitely something I can see integrating into my future… especially an ashram farm. In theory I knew this would be something I could find beneficial but again…. I had to live it to see whether it was true or not. So my entire life is about raising our consciousness… and I’ve been interested in a global community in some fashion… and while I was speaking with my buddy today… I could actually start to see how it could work. Now just because I can see how it can work doesn’t mean it’s going to go exactly as planned… but yes… I’m starting to see how things can play out even in the rules of society at this time. Again how to explain the ideas that’s going on in my thoughts? There seems to be so many legs to this that the sequence could probably be better planned out as a discussion but… again this is my journaling style which seems chaotic because I just allow my thoughts to flow as they come… But maybe this is a lesson of patience for us all who happen to read these entries… hehe… I’ll get there! I know I’m going to be help and building communities… around the world. I already know of a community in a village in the Amazonas. In an intimate way I’ll be helping with the Aya retreat center to focus on ceremonies and master plant jungle farming… not to mention whatever’s going to happen with my vision of digging… but besides this the village itself is something I’d like to help assist with getting them to live a bit more comfortably than what it is now. A bit more comfortable so they can start using their energies in ways more than survival. So to try to just get it out briefly… a few things I’d like to suggest is the homes having more guards against insects… the build of the home a bit more sustainable with the materials we use. It would possibly be nice to also include bedding… many I know sleep on the wood floor or on hammocks… I’m trying to not suggest outrageous changes… but having better options to rest and relax is beneficial for everyone. Water… water seems like a primary focus for me lately when it comes to design… not saying that I have the answers yet but it seems like something that is important… the quality of water that is in the village can be looked at but also hydroelectricity for the village using the Ucayali river but the extreme seasons of rainy to dry is vast… how to harvest, store, redirect, and purify water is something I want the community and a team of experts and creatives to look at. The roads are dirt roads and not in the best of shape… again finding more sustainable materials would be preferable in my opinion… but also grading the land to help filter the water away or around the roads I feel is important which isn’t happening now. There’s a ton of rain during the raining season… I mean the village looks almost like a different village because there’s a lake or a large river actually through a good part of the town which isn’t there during the dry season. They know this and use to it… but instead of the rain washing away the roads and collecting and standing on the roads… grading the roads and landscape to divert the water… I don’t know if this is something they might be interested in… but using hydro agriculture at the side of the roads so when the water is being diverted into storage possibly plants can be hovering above the water so the roots are gaining it’s necessary benefits to grow. Again this is not something I’ve actually done… just saw some resources and dabbled into exploring… hence why I’d love to work with professionals and creatives who actually done this process to help steer designs that possibly might be effective. From one village to the next is quite a bit of distance… I thought it would be cool to be able to have edible healthy local foods along the roads for everyone to enjoy but also take care of. I’m not sure but I’m thinking there could even be a revolving crops where these roadside plants can be replanted into locations agreed upon… I mean not all of the plants have to be edible either… if there are certain wild flowers or grasses to transplant to locations again to assist in the initial phases. I’ve been dabbling in the gardens here… and thinking about the approach my shaman wants to do with the master dieta plants. I got the impression with the master plants we don’t do a standard farming in rows… we plant them in the jungle because the diversity and energy of the jungle plays a part in the healthy and potency of the effectiveness of the benefits the master plants get from growing in its natural environment instead of in rows where we are pulling out the so called weeds. “Weeds” and undesired plant… who decides this? With the revolving volunteers coming in and out… it’s interesting to see one group view what are weeds…. And then as a new group arrives… they weed almost everything except what we planted because their thoughts of an undesirable plants is far different from the original group. Again I don’t know which is more preferable since I’m a newbie to this… but it is interesting to observe. My initial thought is to allow more diversity into the soil but I also see in the general areas there’s an abundance of “foxtails” in the landscape… not talking about the gardens anymore. I hear these are not good for the llamas. I do seem them in some of the hay we purchased… so is the foxtail so abundant that it’s invasive? Again these ideas of what’s desirable or not… and to what extent of our decisions plays a role to the “health” of the ecosystem…. Interesting? I”m sure this is going to be more illuminated the more I dive into these areas. But back to the village… one more thing I feel like I’d like to address is trash. There’s already a small landfill starting in the village. They are starting to consume more and buy more “things” and there’s not a system setup to dispose of waste. Of course I’d like to promote Reduce and Reuse before recycle… but consumerism is newer to them… and trying to get them to not buy things that they see the people on the internet have… is probably asking too much from them… hehe… I’ll try to explain that there are many foundational issues that weren’t important until it was a slap in the face issue… so maybe we can look at the issues that has arrived from consumerism to countries of possibly the first-world countries and see if we can address them far earlier than the slap in the face. It’s already obvious in the cities in Peru, but it’s coming for the villages as well… we can see it as we’re floating down the river… I’d love to inspire this village to be one of the examples for villages around them… but I’ll soon connect this village with the larger picture to be able to be example globally not just locally. Now I have not been to the European countries for long periods of time. I know there are several countries who are leading a far more conscious manner towards sustainability responsibilities. In fact my buddy from Sweden is highly interested in these areas… it seems its very common for folks to be aware and conscious of their consumerism and have a head start in innovative design concepts. Which again plays a role in this global community I seem to be drawn to. I hope I get that far with this entry. But again… in a more direct manner to raising consciousness in a direct conscious manner is the Aya ceremonies. This seems to be more of a primary area of my attention before the village… I still feel like Awakening more of us so when we approach these community designs… we’re thinking more expansively and broader than before the transition. So… again this is something that I’m drawn to focus on… so when I have gone through my own spiritual practices before and after ceremonies… I would have loved an ashram to be able to actually rest and observe myself and how my perspective is changing due to ceremonies. So… another piece to the puzzle of helping in the Awakening process is also having my selected guest have access to an ashram. many will have to do much work to even be able to take time off from their societal expectations to go to ceremonies in the first place… I tell people a minimum of one month in the jungle… minimum… the more the better, but a month is a good start or introduction. lol… now… I’m also going to see who can give more time away from societal expectations to go to an ashram before to prepare for ceremonies… and then after to start to ground and guidance on how to integrate and embody lessons from ceremonies. So… again… geesh at least a month to prepare doesn’t seem crazy for me… but maybe even two weeks would probably be the minimum to prepare our psyche for ceremonies… really focusing on trust and surrender to fully be present in ceremonies… again wherever we are at is exactly where we should be… but sometimes I can be an idealistic type… so the longer to prepare would be ideal. So that’s six weeks already I’m asking for my selected guests. And this doesn’t even include the grounding and integration… I’d love to say two weeks, but this I feel should be minimum of one month. I”m already preparing the Aya ceremonies to integrate master plants and reducing the amount of Aya ceremonies and more time to integrate and prepare for the next ceremony… but I still feel it would be so beneficial to have a buffer at the end of ceremonies to allow time and space to grip the messages before one decides to get back into the swing of things before they left in the first place. So again I’d say a minimum of two months I’d be asking guests to take off for their spiritual growth… I mean many that I have been running into could do two months and more… we’ve already found the importance to have space and freedom to prioritize our spirituality… but I’m going to assume not all will have this from the start. Ok… the ashram… so as I’m here I’m asking why I’m here… I have an understanding now that an ashram is something I want to be involved with. Of course my first thought of assumption is…. Is this the ashram I’m supposed to be teaming up with? I still don’t know this answer but where I can go is looking at what I’ve observed at this ashram… what have I been able to learn to be able to apply. This has been established and it has its own momentum… and what if I was to be directly involved… what would change if anything and why? lol… this is a bit funny to me because I feel that it is obvious by now that change is where I lead towards… I feel there could be alternatives that can work better than the system that is here already. Why? Well… again this is a temple and I’m assuming that there is a desire for a community that will be involved in nurturing and building the temple for the future generations. This temple is not currently the best at building community. So… of course I’d like to change this… hehe. But let’s see if we can look at things I wouldln’t change… and as much as I’d like to be idealistic and look and imagine the future… I’ll try to keep it more practical and present to start with. This temple attracts interesting volunteers and guests to experience the temple life. I have met amazing people in the past six months living here and I feel this temple being a bit misplaced one might say and unusual seems to bring in curious minds. There’s a Hindu temple in the middle of Mormon land…. Curious minds are like… hmmmm… I want to check it out. So the design of the temple is beautiful and unusual for the landscape… that many locals love to come and take photoshoots just because of this. But again.. the volunteers have a minimum of a two week commitment if they want to be involved. Now a few of the volunteers haven’t made it to the two weeks… but more than average people decide to stay a bit longer though. So a temple that stands out and that is open to the public is something that I feel works. Now with this temple it also has been establishing a farm as well which I feel is another positive aspect. The owners have been establishing two organic gardens and a llama and peacock farm with two cows. It’s actually a sanctuary for a few llamas and parrots as well. As an animal lover I absolutely dig the fact that animals are integrated into this system already. Caring for the animals is very rewarding and just being around them brings peace and comfort and a ton of laughter. Watching the quirky behaviors of animals is quite humorous… and it’s very satisfying. The space energetically provides huge amounts of tranquility just being on the land which i love and would love to encourage the stewardship of the land itself. I mean… the wilderness and natural environments are more of my type of temple than a building is anyway… but the space inside the temple is beneficial as well. The location is pretty phenominal because we are surrounded by the mountains and when each evening at sunset they color in hues of pink and purples is pretty satisfying as well. So the foundation of this temple is positive… but I’m going to go ahead and move into the changes. This is just my opinion… and it’s my space to envision and contemplate… I haven’t even brought any of these ideas to the owners…. Again it took six months before they put down their walls to get to know a little more about me… originally I was just someone who can work on their projects and wouldn’t cause harm to them or their property. Now I’m starting to take steps into maybe a friendship relationship. But let’s see… So as a volunteer I feel like I’d like to start here. I realize there are many projects that need up keep at this location, but my opinion is that volunteers are desired here to work on the projects and to listen to them preach about their spiritual beliefs. I cannot help but be blunt about my opinion… but they are energetic bodies that are getting drained once they arrive unless they are aware of the energy resources. I’ve been trying to remind the newer volunteers to rest and rejuvenate… that this is an ashram as well… and not only does manual work take a lot of energy out of us… but again who our current leaders are… will also not hesitate to drain our energy as well… again I don’t think it’s intentional… but regardless.. it’s happening. The wife barks orders and demands attention and importance which takes energy. The husband preaches and is a one way conversationalist who demands attention and importance which takes energy too. I don’t really mention the owners being like energy vampires to most people… and I definitely don’t straight out say it but I try to remind everyone that our responsibility is 24 hours a week… the rest of the time we can rest. And honestly I put in more than 24 hours but 24 hours is set aside to do whatever specific tasks they ask of me… and I’ll do it willingly because I am a guest in their community and I respect what they are trying to provide. But I also like many of the chores… so the additional hours I Help with is… because I like to help and I see things that need to be done in areas that I enjoy. It doesn’t take a lot of my energy to do things that I’m not being told to do and I enjoy… but I also see… that if I try to do too many hours… I get depleted and also a bit more easily irritable. When I had the whole llama tiss with the wife on Friday… I worked two weeks straight without a full day of rest… so I’m not able to do this at this time or maybe ever… I’m uncertain.. but I’m taking my days off this week. She asked me if I wanted to help catch the koi fish this morning and I told her I wanted to rest… I got a hiking and swimming date tomorrow with two girls and a guy to get off property and enjoy Utah summer afternoon and evening in the mountains. So yes this would be something I would prioritize for the volunteers. I’d prioritize the ashram aspect of solitude and rest to disconnect from the societal conditioning of responsibilities to connect to our higher selves and giving space to communicate deeper to recontextualize our conditioning.. to purge and transmute… and then able to receive guidance from our intuition on the direction to go forward. Again… I’d be more about opening the doors to building a community instead of using people for a short period of time. I don’t have the same ideas of thinking this temple is the only “right” and ‘responsible” way to connect deeper in our spirituality either… many of the devotees primarily only stay at the ashram because there is a bit of a concept that the world is crazy and delusional and it’s best to stay away. I’d definitely be encouraging to have a bubble here at the temple temporarily but to also burst the bubble and get out. Utah has amazing landscapes so actually encouraging volunteers and devotees to go on a hike or camping… explore the landscape would be ideal. Many volunteers do not have vehicles when they arrive. Many of the international volunteers don’t have a valid international license either. So public transportation stays in the civilized areas of city life… but not to go out into the wilderness. There are vehicles here on property, but they are not easily accessible for the volunteers. So opening up this accessibility would be something I’d like to encourage. Housing options… ideally it would be great to have more housing options just to have more availability for more people to come and join but for now… there are seven rooms in the cabin available for volunteers. I happen to stay at the guest house only because I have a cat which wouldn’t get along with the cabin cat or who knows what could happen with the sanctuary parrots in the house… so I got lucky to have a little distance from the temple. Most of the time I’m here by myself. There aren’t too many guests who pay to stay here for a few days. In the six months there have been two families that have stayed here about a week each. There was one single lady who stayed one night. And then when we had festivals we’ve had devotee performers who stayed three nights. So not even a month worth of guest “rentals”. So without having to build extra buildings… I’d open up the guest house to volunteers as well. This guest house does not have a kitchen… and I’d update this somehow to give some type of opportunity to cook meals that we’d like. I’ve been primarily eating the same food for every meal for six months… Being away from a kitchen makes me want to savor having a kitchen again… hehe. I cannot wait to cook whatever I’d like to… hehe. Alright… going to the temple. So first of all to admit that I’m not really the commercializing thing… so I realize there is an expense to maintaining and growing this temple… but in my opinion how they are doing it wouldn’t be my approach. Again I’m thinking how to build community. So currently there is a gift shop and a buffet in the temple at the ground floor. The second floor is the temple space for meditation and worship. More than half of the gift shop is donated Indian clothes mostly like bridal or special occasion clothing… which isn’t necessarily the most popular option for people in Utah or people in general wear. Even Asian Indians I assume don’t always wear formal attire. So needless to say… not a lot of clothes are being bought. I was in the gift shop mostly through the winter and there were several comments about how it’s the same clothes year after year for the past ten years. They always hope there are new options but its the same things. They did actually find new things because We were receiving donations during the early spring so I was replacing the clothes to switch up the selection that I also saw wasn’t selling. So yeah half of the bottom of the temple is dedicated to items that aren’t even popular… so I’d get rid of the clothing and jewelry… now I have ideas of what to do with the fabric and notions but I’ll wait on that for now. To begin with I would still probably like to keep items to build an altar and the literature… oh… actually the llama section also sells so keep that if not expand it which could happen if we remove all the clothing and jewelry that hardly sells. So the other half is the buffet. Again in my opinion… I would not have this everyday open to the public. Most of the people who come to eat are here on the weekends. So Friday through Sunday… why? Well… There is a lot of expense that goes into the groceries… and because of the responsibility of having it everyday and having dishes ready to exchange on the buffet… it seems like the simple solution is to just keep buying in bulk and making the same things over and over again…which could change if we reduce the days. We could go to a more of a weekly grocery budget and literally have new items on the buffet for say Friday when the public can come and eat… so by Monday when the devotees and volunteers can eat.. we can still eat leftovers but also continue to have variety of choices and more of us to have the opportunity to cook and show the variety of dishes we can share with the community. The volunteers are a small group and we don’t need an entire buffet to eat each day… for five days we don’t need all the options and just cook normal meals again using up what wasn’t eaten during the weekend. We have a vegan chef volunteering here now and she’s been making a few different dishes and everyone i mean everyone is appreciating it! The Sunday service regulars who attend I would think would appreciate some variety even if they only come once a week… at least throughout the month they can get different options when they come too worship instead of the same thing over and over again… I might be making it a bigger deal but I very much value variety… and just like I cannot wait to have access to a kitchen… I cannot wait to buy a variety of ingredients as well… ha. Now… for the future… I have much more changes… but to start to put the toe into the water… this would be a good start. The clutter… this is huge and would be one of the first things I’d encourage to make the change to remove anything that is not being used off of property. Whether donation or selling… there is so much clutter of unnecessary stuff or junk wasting up good space. But there’s no organization to the tools and supplies for the temple of the farm. Ok… it’s very late… hehe… I think this is a lot and I’ve got so much more to express as well but I think I’ll go ahead and wait until next time. Good night!

“Through all of my lives I never thought I'd wait so long for you The timing is right The stars are aligned So save that heart for me Cause girl (boy) you know that you're my destiny Swear to the moon, the stars The sons, and the daughters Our love is deeper than the oceans of water Hey, I need you now I've waited oh so long yeah Baby love, I need you now I've waited oh so long” This song “Past Lives” by Borns is going over and over in my head. If you want to check it out you can listen to it Here on Youtube… enjoy! So… I’ve got this festival coming up at the end of the month… and I’ve been inviting friends to come and volunteer. I don’t know if anyone will be able to make it for the actual festival but my friend from Sweden will be arriving a few days after. We spoke a few days ago and showed me the location where he’s staying at in Columbia. It’s a really sweet little village… well not so little but still a beautiful location. He was trying to rub it in how he’s in paradise… paradise for me can look many ways, but seeing all the fruit trees did trigger a desire to eat some sweet fruits… Hawaii will have many opportunities for some fresh fruits… sounds amazing. I was trying to let him know what the rules are for being a volunteer at the temple and he seemed to feel like there wouldn’t be an issue. Eating vegetarian and no caffeine and volunteering 24 hours during the week wasn’t a problem for him. I was saying that I was trying to find people to host him so it’s like recruiting Couchsurfing hosts without them actually being involved with Couchsurfing before. I told him how I’m at the guest house but most volunteers will stay at the cabin with the owners. The guest house is usually reserved for the performers for the festival, guests who are willing to pay around fifty bucks per night, or if the cabin of volunteers is full. I spoke to an older gentleman who I find I chat with every Sunday. He came over Sunday after service to hangout and I mentioned it to him and he’s going to think about it. He said he has an older home and probably won’t be the ideal location. I said it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t feel comfortable to host… I just said that he likes to go on short hikes in the mountains in the surrounding area which would might be nice to join him with some good companions with interesting conversations. He was more interested in going on some little adventures more than anything. He use to travel all over the desert while he was young and more nibble. We were talking about navigation and he mentioned that he really never needed to use a map and compass because somehow he just never would get lost. It didn’t matter if he tried to because he would just be able to see the landscape and remember how to get in and out regardless of how many twists and turns. I hung out with two friends who I’ve really been enjoying our conversations when they come to eat on Saturdays. I went over to their house and met their two sweet rescue dogs. Pippa and Perry… oh my goodness they’re so adorable! Pippa wants all the attention and loving while Perry is timid and wants love but is very hesitant with a lot of attention. Perry has a perfectly marked heart on his body which I guess most people notice right away like myself. These guys are really comfortable for me. They say they’re more on the introverted side but I haven’t had any issue having deep conversations with them. They took me on a walk along the river walk which was really nice. I was asking them more about their histories growing up in a Mormon community. It was interesting what they have to say while they were growing up and going to school in this type of community. We discussed the positive and negative effects being involved with this history. They invited me for tea afterwards… they’ve started a selection of teas to enjoy. I had a combination of Hibiscus, Lemon balm, and Comfrey. They love plants and know quite a bit of information about them. I’ve always thought it was cool how they forage for “mountain salad”. Yes… I’m looking forward to building relationships with them. The current volunteers have been asking to hangout and play uno… normally I say yes, but lately I’ve been wanting to have more own space or maybe distancing myself with specific people. I’ve been enjoying challenging my mind with sewing projects and allowing my mind to ruminate over the grant. So I’m still trying to find the words to describe what I’m trying to create that is professional and organized while not being so airy-fairy and all over the place… hehe. I’ve been reaching out to the people I know that is going to be involved whether I get their consent to list their names or if I should list them as anonymous. Most of them have given me their consent; however, there are a few on the list that I haven’t asked them for consent but I know I want to involve them… but listing them as anonymous is rewarding as well because I know they’ll come on board eventually but whenever they choose is the right time for them will be the right time for us. It seems like the most cherished in my life are on that anonymous list…and are still my significant teachers and supporters… and I have the most patience with to allow them the space and time to see if they can find themselves and their visions would be able to be weaved into the projects I’m creating. I’m just really excited but very calm at the same time… I’ve got my sewing machine calling my name… so I’m going to get off here and finish up my projects. Until next time… enjoy yourself!

Alright… it’s been a good break and I’m starting to have things happening in my life that I feel would be beneficial to share… to see if I can gain any insights through the journaling process. So where to begin… well… I guess I can write about the things that are coming up within a month. So the grant proposal that I’m working on is going to be due a little over a month and I’m getting excited as I’m clarifying the vision for the next two years. And I’m trying to hint what will come after. But I also have started preparing my little buddy to travel to Hawaii… we’ll go in next week for his titer blood withdraw so he will be allowed to enter Hawaii again. I have a friend who is from Sweden who is coming to the States for the first time and it’s getting me excited yet there are things that are coming up that I think I want to address first. Yeah… I’ll start here and see where it goes. So I met him in Peru during a Couchsurfing situation. He owned a home that he used as a hotel and when there were empty rooms he would allow Couchsurfer come and enjoy the area and that’s how I met him. I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. I remember when I was there and the night I was going to go and meet him… I was finishing up ceremonies and I remember how excited I was to meet him… there was a weird occurrence which seemed similar to a ceremonial feeling and I didn’t really understand why I was so excited to meet him. I just want to be frank but I had a feeling that he was a potential romantic partner. Even though I am extremely drawn to the Australian man… I still have tendencies to be open to polyamorous situations… so at the time I was wondering if he was connect to the Aussie in some way. It didn’t turn out to be that but still we had a great time together but was very brief. We’ve been communicating off and on ever since and he’s decided that he wanted to meet me in person again this year. And last week we pretty much officially started making plans for him to come here for the first time. This is the first time hosting someone where I am not in my own location. Usually when people come to visit and I host I can take time off and show them around and spend majority of my time to share with them. In the situation I’m in.. I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen. I’m already getting on the ball and talking to people and seeing what options we might have. So right now he is working remotely and so he would be working during the mornings. If he decides to stay with me at the temple as a volunteer then he would need to work hours in the evening to stay here on property. So it doesn’t sound like the ideal situation for him on his first visit here. So we’re going to be talking again in the next few days to see if we can find different arrangements… but I’m starting to see if there is anyone here who could host him for short periods of time so he won’t have to be working all the time and will have options to be able to explore this beautiful state while he’s here to visit. I’ve been seeing myself getting protective of his comfort level. I was talking to a friend here and he asked me if I feel like I need to protect him? And I find that I do find myself feeling this way for some reason. What really am I feeling? So… when I’m in situations that aren’t necessarily ideal… it doesn’t really bother me. Putting myself in uncomfortable situations helps me grow and see where the areas I can work on. And I have been building skills of detachment and acceptance that uncomfortable environments aren’t an issue for me. BUT when I have someone I care about who wants to come into the same situations is when I really start to questions whether this is a space that is really a place I’d like them to experience. So I am very appreciative of the temple experience I have here… there are many positive aspects, but also there are some aspects that aren’t ideal and I feel like if I can find alternative options than… that would be best to have options. So yes I’m going to go ahead and address this as well. Now again I’m grateful and respect what I’ve been able to gain in this experience; however, there are aspects that aren’t ideal. When visiting this temple the initial impression can be very impressive and status and reputation is important for the owners here. So they have high expectations on how they are being perceived from guests… but there are things that seem to be missing. So maybe it’s not missing but what I would be able to bring into a situation is probably what I look for when I visit locations. So I guess the first thing is there is lacking warmth here. I come into situations wanting to be warm and friendly and open to conversations and that isn’t necessarily what guests get here when they visit. Many of the regulars who are here have been here on this property almost on their own little island and very comfortable to allowing people to come and go as they please… but not really taking the time to get to know the people who do become attracted to come and visit. I have a personality who wants to give quality personal service and hospitality… I also really appreciate the people who come into my awareness in this life… so I want all to be welcome and I am curious who is interested in coming at this time. So in my perception I feel that I was judged when I first came here. I had to give referrals to be able to even volunteer here on a weekly basis. Many volunteers come and go here and referrals were not needed for anyone else that I know of… at least not since I’ve been here on property. I’ve been enjoying my time to get to know the volunteers who have decided to live here for a few weeks… and many regulars seem to not want to get to know them to personal degrees and it makes me wonder why that is? I seem to want to build relationships beyond the near future… I guess many of the people I meet develop deeper the longer we allow our relationships grow. Yes there are many times that many people I meet I don’t build relationships with but many do evolve… so that’s why I try my best to give the opportunity for the relationship to develop. What is it that I really don’t want my friend to experience here? Dismissiveness and disrespect…. This is probably my concern for him to feel this way from the people he would meet here. I’m sure he’s had experiences like this in his life, but I guess when it comes to me recommending and introducing a location and community that this wouldn’t be a part of the experience. But again this isn’t my temple so it’s not that I’ve built this mentality and brand so I shouldn’t feel like I am responsible for how this has been developing here. But I have met people who are attentive and respectful and curious about people’s ideas and interests… that’s where I’m trying to find ways for him to be able to spend time with these people. Geesh… I wonder if he really should be visiting me at this time. I am getting so excited to have him here, but also I wish I was a bit more prepared to host someone at this time. There’s an area that I’m avoiding… there’s a few aspects that I’m avoiding which I’m noticing that I’m doing and I’m wondering why I’m doing this? Why am I being hesitant to saying what is really going on in my mind at this time? I know I love to use journaling to purge out my thoughts but I also feel like many will not understand this process if they haven’t done it for themselves. I want to purge and it’s so beneficial… but when I get into the purging process it sounds so unbalanced and so it’s a one sided story and many will not be able to intuit that there is more than what I’m purging about that is going on here. But damn it… that’s why I got on here was to purge…so.. it is what it is, right? So I’ve been here at the temple… again I cannot explain how grateful I have been to be here for the last few months and I plan on continuing the help here until the festival at the end of the month and even the clean up through mid April…. By then I’ll be preparing to head to Hawaii to visit my family but also explore Hawaii in a the way I haven’t been able to do but I’m ready this time. So… I was hesitant to come here because I knew that my style of Spirituality isn’t necessarily accepted here. I am trying my best to be respectful, but I do find that I’m finding more people who come to visit and we start talking about Spirituality and my story comes out. I’m also writing my grant proposal which also involves Awakening practices and so it’s just so very present in my awareness… and I really don’t know if it will not be there. I don’t know if I ever want to lose this connection anyway… i don’t think it’s possible. But anyway… I’ve been getting challenged to speak my truth. I have been holding in a lot of expression to the regulars and owners of this temple. I’ve been able to express with guests, but for some reason this isn’t as fulfilling as wanting to address this to the owners. Why? Friends of mind are saying they are older and set in their ways… there’s nothing you can say which will make them change their minds and ways… so stop dwelling over it. I’m trying my best to not dwell but the more I hear their teachings the more things well up inside and thankfully I’ve had friends able to allow me space to purge but I also wonder if I’m really going to be here for three months and not saying my truth? I share a similar purpose of raising consciousness towards liberation or Awakening or whatever it means when we develop our consciousness to be in direct communication with the divine through everyday life. I know we all are working our way to this but is it really up to me to address this to them at this time? Do they really think of me as someone they want to build a relationship with and work together in the future as well? I would definitely be open for this… but the relationship wouldn’t be how it’s here at the moment. It’s very one-sided and I’d like to build a mutual relationship and more reciprocal. If reciprocation is not present… do I really need to be patient with the relationship until it’s ready to be? Geesh…. As I’m writing about this… this is bringing up romantic relationships as well… I feel like I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been wanting to run away and avoid… with my friend from Sweden coming to visit… it’s been exciting but challenging. I’m afraid what might happen when he comes to visit. What I’m afraid of is actually if anything starts to become romantic. I haven’t allowed myself to experience this in many years and it really seems that I’ve been transforming so much that it was an entirely different person who used to have romantic relationships. There have been times when romance and actually sexual aspects are introduced into my life… and it can be challenging and exciting. It’s exciting when there is a mutual curiosity and challenging when it’s not mutual. My friend and I are mutually curious about each other… and I’m trying to be open to see where are relationship can go. I deeply feel we’ll have a great friendship bond…. But is there any romantic feelings? I feel like I don’t really know him deeply enough.. but because I’ve kept myself away from romantic relationships I wonder what I will do if this is introduced to who I am right now. I tried to flirt with the Aussie a few weeks ago and it seemed like it went right over his head. And really I felt like I was being quite crude with my attempt to flirt and I’m laughing at myself about how out of practice I am for attracting romantic conversations. It’s so weird when we message each other… it seems like we’re both trying to be casual and cool yet ultimately awkward… lol… but I also feel he’s going through a lot of introspection work on his business aspects. He is not happy and I know he wants to make changes… it’s just so tricky to actually make changes. So I’m sure this is not the appropriate time to cheer him up or let him know that he’s got so much going on for him then his work. Especially when he’s in a space of brooding. Run away and avoid?? There seems like there are changes coming up and I feel like I’m trying to give excuses to keep distance from people. A part of me wants to give opportunities for him to not come and visit with me. I asked him if he really knows how unusual I am… and how challenging it can be to be around me. I know how to seem normal, but normal isn’t really who I am. He chuckled and said that he’s well aware of this and that’s why he wants to get to know me more and is interested in hanging out with me. I haven’t really let him know what I’m planning for the next few years… so he thinks that I’m just really going with the flow and so he’s been entertaining ideas to have us go to Argentina or go traveling through Europe in a camper van. As I am writing this grant… again clarity has been increasing and I am not interested in doing this at this time. I have visions that cannot come out of my mind… and I’m getting more and more confident that I’m starting to see the path to getting these visions into manifestation. It’s been weird… I’ve been sewing some new clothes to wear in Hawaii and as I’ve been sitting here the last few days I’ve been getting dejavú. There something I’m trying to remember in this moment…. There are feeling that seem similar to when I was in Peru last time. At first it seems like my paranoia that came over me when I was in solo sessions. Is this why I’m being so critical of the temple? I was laughing at myself because I thought maybe they might be wanting to sabotage me in some way… I’m wondering why would they even care to do this? But it came into my thoughts. When I remember my paranoia in the solo sessions it lead me to where I needed to learn, but also I saw how extremely dramatic I took it and had to take time to relax and not go to so many extremes. I tried to remember when I leave this temple if we are happy… dejavú is a working process with me… and it felt like I remember at least two people here that are regulars who seem to be so similar that I knew I would meet them… but I was trying to see if I could remember if we end this time together was a happy situation and not something crazy… hehe… There is another time in Peru that is coming up at this time as well… I went to Cusco and I was at a hostel and I knew that my cat and I were not going to be there long and that they were going to ask us to leave soon… and that’s a feeling I have right now as well. And I keep wondering if this is a future vision of what’s going to happen… or is it something that happens because I’m thinking it’s going to happen? I remember when I was in Peru as much as I was trying to relax and not think about this going to happen… it was still in my thought and yes… it happened. And I’ve been getting thoughts literally today during service as if some people walk up to me and escort me to leave. I kept looking at the people who were entering to see if they were gong to approach me. Again this paranoia feeling is happening and it’s something I”m dealing with which isn’t something I’d like to have in my experience, but I feel I’m going to be learning what this is and how I respond and why I respond this way. I think that’s why I came on here to write about it. My mind is going in ways that seems to be quite unrealistic. But honestly it’s not too unbelievable either. Escort me out of the building? Why? What have I done or will do to have someone want to escort me? It’s crazy because I have been entertaining the idea to stop living here on property and just volunteer on Saturdays for the llamas and help with the festival, but allow more time for me to focus on the grant and spend time with my friend. But this week during my volunteer hours went so well… I loved spending the time with the guests that came to visit. We all were having a great time sharing our energies with one another… and many stayed hours with me… and it was hard to want to leave these opportunities to connect with amazing people. There were children and pet connections that happened this week which I loved. The first was with an eleven month year old boy who I found us crawling and rolling around the floor together while his parents got the time to enjoy their meal together. They were taking video and pictures of us because they said that he usually doesn’t act this way with people… and they loved watching how we are interacting with one another. Well… I was in heaven loving on this little one. There was a four year girl who came with her mother on another day… it seemed like the mother wanted to be able to talk with the priest at our temple… so I was able to entertain the daughter to give mom some personal time… but we all sat down and played and talked and again it was very enjoyable. There were two guys who I love talking with and it was a very slow evening so I got to spend a long conversation with them… and I’m really looking forward to get to know them more… I’m hoping we might all get the chance to hangout this Tuesday on my day off. And then the last day there was a couple who came in with one of their pet bunnies. They said it was a mix of a dwarf Netherland and lion head… I think that’s what it’s called…and his name is Babycakes… too cute! Yeah… I really enjoy being with the guests and it seems like they enjoy me as well… so I’m not sure why anyone would like to escort me out of this situation? Why would I think someone is trying to get me? Might not get me, but want to do harm to me? And what’s weird it’s not like I”m really feeling afraid or paranoid… how do I explain this. I just am getting a feeling that there might be something that might happen…. But I feel like I’m calm and be able to experience this is a very relaxed manner. I haven’t done anything wrong.. so why get upset? lol… why is this going on in my mind? It is so I’ll express it…. I guess these are areas of shadow work that I will be addressing at this time. I don’t feel the flow that comes when I’d be getting some answers from journaling so… I’ll wrap this up. But we’ll see if I can get back into the flow in a few days… see how I can get back in to the journaling flow. For now… I’m getting a bit sleepy and looking forward to getting some rest. Oh the two guys who I hope to hang out with on Tuesday… they have given me some tea to help get some rest. My mind seems to be more active right now.. so it should assist. I’m not sure I see any benefits, but I still appreciate them sharing this with me… and I’ll see how affective with more usage. But ok… until next time.

Alright… so I’ve been thinking about writing a proposal.. right now for a research project and/or documentary. I’ve gotten into this space a few times and I feel it coming on strong. So it’s time to explore more about the details of what I’m trying to create. This process doesn’t mean it’s going to happen step by step, but it does help clarify what is in my mind. I found it interesting this Sunday service because when I was listening to the husband this evening… it was interesting to hear a little bit about how they started building this Temple here in the middle of Mormon state USA… they seemed to have similar draw to just take steps and not having everything planned out but to trust how it unfolds will be how it unfolds.. so it confirms to me that what I’m led to proceed forward with is not something that is impossible. It’s very possible and I’m so much more calmed down from my first time experiencing messages. It’s time to take another look at this time and see where it leads. I’m debating how much I’m going to be sharing in this Journal. I’d like to be able to do pretty much everything on here… but again I’m hesitant because I know how strong the collective energy is and if there’s a lot of energy that is not supportive, then it will have effects. But it also can go the other way as well. So let’s just see where this goes and I’ll figure out if it’s the right thing to do to document this on here… or if I need to just go back to my pen and paper and do it like I’m used to doing. So… where to begin? Do I begin with the research proposal or documentary proposal? I don’t have the credentials for a researcher; however, I do want to participate in this experiment directly and I want to be able to record it. So… I guess I think I am going to start with the research first. So I’ve taken a look at how to write a research paper. I’ll just go ahead and pick one that I’ve seen and just go with it. So… let’s see which one to do first. I’ll start with research.com… why not… so here’s the website Bouchrika, Imed. “How to Write a Research Proposal in 2024: Structure, Examples & Common Mistakes“. Research.com. https://research.com/research/how-to-write-a-research-proposal. January 2, 2024. Accessed January 7, 2024. “This article aims to describe the common steps taken to prepare a written proposal as attractively as possible to achieve approval and/or funding. It also seeks to discuss key aspects that must be considered to help ensure that you can convert your proposed study into well-conducted actual research work (Bouchrika).” ”At this stage, it is good to ask these preparatory questions to help you steer your research in the right direction: What is the topic I want to study? Why is it worthwhile to study it? What practical or valuable problems will it help solve? How does it build upon—and possibly improve—existing research already done about the topic? (For students:) How is it important within the subject areas covered in the course/program? What are the specific tasks that I must plan to do? Can I get those tasks done within the time and resources available? Generally, a compelling background and significance in research proposal will manifest if it effectively captures your knowledge about the topic and shows your deep interest to conduct the research. Handle it with the purpose of making your readers engaged about the study and what the outcomes will be (Bouchrika).” ok… let’s start asking and answering this suggestions from Bouchrika. Topic I want to study? So this is about Spirituality of course. I want to study this approach that I have found myself in. Traditional religious practices is common and accepted by majority of society; however, when it comes to psychedelics as a spiritual practice or tool there seems to be many opinions… mostly as not a valid way to practice. However, there is a growing awareness from a group of people who have found in their own practice as valid. The issue that I think I want to really focus on is what I’ve been finding as I speak with traditional religious practitioners… there’s a huge reliance on reading scriptures to gain spiritual understanding. Which I can see as something that is helpful, but in my opinion not the best practice for spiritual understanding. We are not understanding that the level of our conscious development depends on the depth of understanding. Direct experience is king… hehe… I think Leo Gura had said this… oh man… referencing and sourcing the words that come out of my head is going to be a tricky one.. hehe.. I’ll try my best. But in my experience I can validate that statement. I know people are gaining an understanding that psychedelics can be used for entheogenic experiences. Ok… here’s another citation… and it looks like this website will be able to give me more literature to cite in specific topics… so here’s another website: “Entheogen.” ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/entheogen. Accessed January 7, 2024. They highlighted a definition at the top of the website… “An entheogen has also been defined as “any substance that, when ingested, catalyzes or generates an altered state of consciousness deemed to have spiritual significance.” From: Toxicology in Antiquity (Second Edition), 2019 Hehe… we are just going to be referencing one another over and over again… hehe.. but I guess this is how we do when doing research. After this… it has many articles that use the word “entheogen.” As I glance through the ones on the first page… I love the fact it states ancient practices and religions who use entheogens… and how there’s going to be an increase in research in these areas to come. So…. I have been wondering who is already trying to do studies in these topics. So which one is talking about research increasing? Let me take a look at it… well… there seems to be a few that catches my eye.. one at a time. “Building Bridges Between Neuroscience and the Humanities” Brick Johnstone, Daniel Cohen, inNeuroscience, Selflessness, and Spiritual Experience, 2019 “Although controversial, future research is likely to include increasing exploration of psychoactive substances, what scholars of religion have referred to as “entheogens,” namely, different plant substances, like mescaline, peyote, or ayahuasca, that have been used in different cultures. It is noted that plant entheogens have been used for centuries in indigenous religions throughout the world to enhance spiritual experiences. While some scholars of religion have argued that chemically induced experiences are entirely “artificial” (e.g., Zaehner, 1957), others have stated that they can produce genuine divine or cosmic connections (e.g., Huxley, 1954). The well-respected scholar of religions Huston Smith (1964) long ago asserted that a failure to explore the connection between psychoactive substances and spiritual experiences would be akin to theologians’ refusal to look through Galileo’s telescope because they worried it might change their ideas of humanity’s place in the (divine) universe. To ignore these topical territories and the subjective experiences of countless individuals would be to lose access to an important area of research and understanding about the human experience. As William James clearly understood over a century ago, … there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. We may go through life without suspecting their existence … No account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded. How to regard them is the question—for they are so discontinuous with ordinary consciousness. (James, 1902, p. 298)” (Johnstone and Cohen). “Psychology and Religion.” R.W. Hood Jr., in Encyclopedia of Human Behavior (Second Edition), 2012 Entheogens Among psychologists of religion, entheogen has become the preferred term for chemicals such as psilocybin that are psychoactive drugs that have profound effects on consciousness. Researchers have long noted that naturally occurring entheogens have been used by religious groups such as the Native America peyote cults to facilitate religious and spiritual experiences. The use of entheogens to facilitate mystical experience or a sense of union with God or a larger reality have produced some of the most frequently cited textbook cases of true experimental research in the psychology of religion. Set and setting have been documented to be important factors in facilitating positive experiences and a religious interpretation of them. Denominational opposition to chemically facilitated experiences is well documented, making research using religiously committed participants difficult. (Hood Jr.) So yes… hehe… how do I get involved with this type of research, because this is what I would like to do. I’m not sure I want to do their own research projects which is probably very structured but invite them into the style that I would like to explore. Which might not be considered actual research hehe… but that’s where I do want to get into the area that it could be used as a study project. Ok… so back to the question about the topic… entheogenic experiences but personally artistic flow is also a spiritual practice that is very impactful for myself as well. Dance, Instruments, Singing, Artwork such as drawing and painting… these are spiritual practices as well… again.. I feel this connects to indigenous spiritual practices as well… so.. this could go on and on… hehe… I feel that I’m interested in sacred spaces as well but Nature is sacred spaces too… so my topic seems to be wide… How can I condense it? Would it be combining indigenous spiritual practices to the modern consciousness? But not all the spiritual practices are indigenous… hmm… ha honestly I want the topic is to explore enlightenment practices. I’d like to see if the practices that I’ve happened to use for myself will help others as well. I’m actively involved with the Krishna Consciousness devotees and that’s what they are trying to do. Why couldn’t I try it as well? How many enlightened souls have come out of this particular Temple? They’ve been here for twenty years… have they had one? Are the ones who are leading this enlightened themselves? How successful are they? And even if they’re not successful… they’re still allowed to try. Why not other practices? That’s the thing… I want all of these practices to be successful.. but I only know the techniques I’ve been drawn to use… and I too want to see if it will be effective for some. Geesh… I feel if I have twenty years… I feel I’d at least get one. Hehe… when it comes to actualized.org… I wonder how many of Leo’s followers have been Awakened? He’s been doing this for around ten years… I don’t even think quite that long… but how many are his numbers? Four? That might be a good guess but I really don’t know… I’m curious to know if Leo has an idea actually. He mentions that he’s met other Enlightened ones… some who might have helped him as well. That’s what we want to do is help each other to Awaken. So… is there a way I can get support to give it a go? Well… I know I have support from Infinite Intelligence… hehe… of course it might not be as successful as I’d hope it to be… but who cares? It will help me learn how to adjust and learn. There’s a difference to my style of approach as well. I’ve been finding that I continue to mention that I’m not an open door policy. While most traditional religions somewhat are. So there is many people who can come in and participate. The thing is the congregation doesn’t necessarily have a personal relationship with the priest. I do want a personal relationship with the ones I’m working with. I mean that also makes me different from Leo’s approach as well. He has a Forum… but aren’t there rules not to use this space to meet with other people here? I was wondering if this is something I just made up or if I had read this somewhere on the rules. Let me check real quick… Yes… there is no recruiting for meetups in our city, private groups, things of this nature… hehe.. Ok that makes sense for this forum… but again… when it comes to my journey… being engaged one on one is something that I want to share with the people I’m working with. I just don’t have a sign that says… hey everyone and anyone wants to try this out? Come on in… hehe… I’m more like… umm… let’s see where we are together. I’m far more discerning these days… hehe. Well… I guess this audience isn’t potential team members then? Most of my team members are who I’ve ran into personally anyways… but I do feel like I want to see if I can get a hold of some researchers and see who is open to talk to me one on one. I’m curious who I’m going to reach out to. I chuckle because I remember reaching out to a few people after my solo sessions…hehe… I was so excited yet ungrounded that I’m sure I was a crazy lady… hehe.. and I don’t mind being a bit crazy… hehe… I feel the people I’m drawn to work with will have a bit crazy in them as well. We’ll make an interesting team for sure. Hmmm… I feel like that my mind gets a bit distracted when I’m writing here on the journal when asking these questions. There’s a responsibility to cite everyone and everything. Sometimes I just need to let things flow and go to get into a groove and I wasn’t really able to do it tonight. I kept going to other websites and this distracts me and maybe I’ll go ahead and go back to the pen and paper during my next two days which are my days off. I feel like this would be satisfying for my process. Alright… this is good for now…. Until next time… Oh! I almost forgot… I got the nova double flute yesterday. I’ve got 24 hours of practice and I love it. I’m apologizing to my housemates because I have a feeling I’ll be playing quite a bit. Oh and I also randomly got a $50 Amazon gift card from my credit union by filling out a survey… so I ended up getting a drum thing that is easily portable and compact. It’s supposed to have two different sounds… snare on one side and bongo sounds on the other… plus there’s an ability to use it as a shaker as well. I guess I can strap it to my waist or thigh… onto my body if I want to be able to move as well… I thought it was worth a try since I got a gift card… I’d give myself a gift to hopefully have a drum alternative that I can travel with. Ok… just wanted to mention this. I’m excited to get some instruments to play with and travel with… ok..now, is a good time for a break

Alright… let’s see… yesterday was a beautiful day. I went to hangout with a buddy of mine who I’ve known since childhood. His family was like my second family growing up. I have went into it before… but they really helped and I appreciate them so much. He had invited me to join him at his nieces wedding since it’s here in Utah. I’ve looking forward to seeing him and visiting with his family. Actually I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time… so it was really nice! They’re LDS so I could only wait in the waiting area at the entrance of the temple, but that was quite alright. There were a few of us there even my buddy’s two daughters where with us too. Oh my goodness… I absolutely find it so easy to fall in love with his girls… they’re too cute and I was excited to visit with them… he said they were excited to see me too. So I ended up taking the bus and train to get to their location. It was going to take me close to two hours… so I had planned to speak with my Swedish friend who is in Peru right now. So we tried to do a video chat but the bus I was on was fairly loud that I couldn’t hear him… he so we just talked old school… hehe. It’s very interesting when it comes to this friend of mine. We really don’t know each other deeply… especially compared to my childhood friend, right… but we still comfortable with each other. It was funny speaking with him because it felt a little like it was an interview… hehe.. had many questions for me. I’m not sure if I’m going to go into our conversation… I want to touch on some things but I want to admit that I’m not certain how to approach this relationship. I feel like he doesn’t know either… so we’re in an awkward phase… hehe. Anyway… he was really curious about my LDS friend and their beliefs so we went into that quite a bit. But he was really interested to see if I was tied to a plan for the year. I’ve already been talking to him about this… tentatively I”m thinking I’ll be here at the temple until the end of March and possibly go to Hawaii afterwards. But he said that it’s not set in stone, correct? And I said well… if someone wants to take me to Nepal tomorrow… hehe…. Then I want to be able to have the freedom to accept that or not… hehe…. He said well exactly! If I decide to invite you to Peru tomorrow… then you’ll consider it? I said well… yeah I’d consider it. I try to explain that I’m guided to a vision but how it unfolds is not certain so I want to be able to be flexible with how the vision unfolds. I was a little surprised that he was thinking about inviting me to Peru. We had discussed him coming here to Utah for the festival in March… he’s still thinking about doing that as well… so we’re both kind of open and flexible… hehe. He started also telling me about the girl he met on tinder… he had spent Christmas with her and what he first thought was going to be friendship ended up turning into something a bit more. So she accompanied him to New Years in Iquitos as well. He said they’ve moved into the dating phase he said. She’s a psychologist and is very fascinating and nice. And so of course I’m happy for him… So this is a good point for me to process through my feelings about our relationship. I’m sure this may be redundant if someone actually has read through all of this… hehe… but I want to readdress this and see where I am about this… especially before I speak with him again. So… what am I feeling right now? I feel a bit frustrated just a little bit. Why? Because I absolutely want to be able to just focus on my Aussie dream lover, but there’s still that desire to see some physical movement for us though too. So… I’ve been recently been posting some stories on IG the past few days… it’s been close to a year well longer than a year since I had posted… usually I am a little active but I haven’t been. This is how we communicate with one another in the physical realm. He’s actually been posting more than he usually does as well. He’s fairly sparingly with his stories and posts, but there’s been high activity with his stories. We spoke briefly before Christmas and it seems like… I’ve been thinking about him a bit more intensely than it has been lately. I can’t explain this connection we have but I’ll try to work this out… if you cannot follow.. it’s ok.. this is me processing… hehe. So we are both intelligent… we both are attractive… and it seems like we’re both trying not to come off as too interested… hehe… at least right now.. we went through a phase, but anyway… there seems to be a strategic way we interact with one another. So… I keep trying to explain that things are changing in my life and this also puts a bit more quirkiness into the situation. I’m getting more and more confident in my visions from the jungle… I’m certain my messages are playing out… and my connection to Infinite Intelligence is getting steadier and easier. There was a time I was journaling and I felt like I was on a chess board playing myself… and when I was writing it out the first time… I wasn’t ready to checkmate myself… but now I feel like I am ready. And when I checkmate myself then… I’m just going to go all in and not question this perfection that is being played out in my experience. lol… so… what am I really frustrated with? That I’m not being able to just be comfortable letting everyone I meet that I am not interested in romantic relationships. I feel like I shouldn’t have to talk about this but it’s there… and if I don’t address it then, I’m leaving it as a potentiality. Am I worried that I might get tempted since it’s been so long to share affection with someone in a mutual manner? In a way… I am a bit… I still have these damn visions that involves clean and healthy semen as medicine for me… hehe.. this stresses me a tad bit… hehe. There were two specific semen which would be the ideal medicine, but in my ceremony I was able to transmute the semen into the proper chemistry to be medicine if it wasn’t from the specific semen. So yes… this is hard for me to understand but also challenging to not have in the back of my mind. These messages I cannot ignore or forget and I don’t want to… but this also makes me want to be cautious… hehe… but I don’t want to be cautious though either.. hehe. What am I really worried about, really? Well… I feel that what I would be worried about is not being able to be clear with my relationships. I’m going to be more specific. Just to let it all out clearly… IF my Aussie dream lover was really reciprocating mutually and actively… I wouldn’t have to be processing in this manner… but since it’s not the case… I want to go ahead and process. So he has been curious about my stories recently. I have been showing my curiosity as well. This is a good thing, but I also know deep down.. that he is not ready to take the steps that I’d imagine to have right now. But it isn’t happening… so we are not in alignment yet. And…I’d got shit I’m figuring out myself… so I’m not ready either… even though I think I’m getting close, but right now… is not there yet. But I don’t mind being wrong… it really doesn’t matter… deeply in my depths I’m preparing to reunite with my Aussie lover. I’m preparing to be able to share divine partnership where we can experience God as a lover with one another. Technically it could be with anyone and it’s God… but there’s something else… I’ve been getting this message from the very beginning and there’s something there for me to explore. Regardless if anyone could be God… God is also specifically wanting me to share this with the Aussie. I have a feeling why, but that’s not exactly what I want to process right now… what is it that I’m trying to process? How do I feel about my Swedish buddy? So I found him through the Couchsurfing app… I was in Peru doing my rounds of Aya… it was my second round and I had a moment before meeting my Swedish buddy where I was getting emotional feelings similar to messages I receive in ceremony. It’s challenging to explain if we haven’t had these types of experiences… but anyway… it hit me when I was leaving the place I was staying at… and heading to his place. My body was extremely excited… I didn’t know why… and it was excited to meet this Swedish man. I remember asking myself why this is the case? When I’m in ceremony mode.. many things play out in my mind… I thought maybe for some reason he might be friends with my Aussie dream lover… This world is far smaller than I had expected and so I thought maybe this crazy thought isn’t so crazy because anything is possible… hehe… but there were other thoughts going on… I was going to avoid saying it, but I think it’s best to be honest and just come out with how my thoughts process at times when it comes to romantic matters. So when I was practicing Polyamory… these tendencies seems to come into ceremonies at times too. So yes… mostly romantically my Aussie man is center stage, but…. He is not the only one when it comes to sexual messages. How do I explain this? So again he is center stage, but I have had moments where messages would bring my attention to someone… and I would definitely be curious and excited to have opportunities to share sexual experiences with them. Oh my goodness… I guess I’m going to go into details a bit… Geesh now that I think about it… it was my second round of Aya ceremonies where I was getting these… hmmm… so… I had said that the first ceremony of the my second round…. I ended up nude at the Aya retreat center…hehe… I’m sure I went into detail before… but I’m going to process so there’s going to be some repetition… and maybe I’m going to go ahead and admit things that I didn’t mention before. We’ll see how this all goes down… hehe. So… wait! Before I go any further… I want to remind everyone that messages in ceremony can get recontextualized at times… so I’m open when I get messages… I get an opportunity to explore these messages when I’m receiving them… and I cannot explain how open I am in ceremony… and how extremely curious I am as well… hehe… so… If one hasn’t read this part of my journal… I’ll see how I’m going to play it out this time… So… at the time I was celibate for eight months. At that time I would never have thought I’d go that long without having sexual relations with someone. I felt like this was a huge accomplishment. I was proud that I could go that long… even though I felt a bit frustrated that I had to continue to wait that long too. Hehe.. So this was when I was getting two shamans a male and female… I was with the female when I started to strip away my clothing… it started with my jewelry and went from there. What I remember is that I didn’t need to wear a mask to cover myself up… that applies in many ways… I was actually wearing jewelry and clothing that I had purchase the year before with the same shamans. But I was there in ceremony pulling and even breaking the jewelry to get it off of me. I was trying to show my appreciation for them and I thought it would be nice to show this by wearing these items. Again… I felt like I was learning that it doesn’t matter what I was wearing.. I can show appreciation in a far more deeper ways than wearing clothes they made…but also I was still under the impression that I was trying to find shamans to show me the way to become a shamana… and again this stripping away of these articles from me… was trying to teach me to not try to conform to what I think is supposed to be and strip down myself to my authenticity completely… there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m beautiful and not in a physical manner… but deeper… there’s nothing I need to hide… there’s no need for placing identity on me that isn’t really my authentic expression. I need to find a way to not hide my authenticity… geesh… it feels like this is a similar message I’ve been thinking about recently… I still find that I’m trying to make it easy for people to receive me… hehe… and more of me is like.. why the hell am I doing this? It’s exhausting and so much more of a hassle and it takes far more time doing it this way. But I keep thinking… that it’s best to ease people because I’m a long-term person who has developed quite a bit of patience. So why not make it easier for people… hehe… but what’s going to be easier for me? hehe… is it really easier for me to tip toe around people and prep them to allow them to see who I am? So many times no body wants to see so I wait until we find times to get deeper. But I have been finding that I can get to the point much easier and faster these days… I”m actively watching this process going on. So yes I’ve been getting better… but I”m more conscious now and I can continue to dive deeper into getting better now as well. So… this was playing out in my thoughts as I was in ceremony… but this isn’t the only message that was playing out at the same time. I’m uncertain how anyone else processes and receives messages in ceremony… but I seem to be able to be processing different messages when I’m in action or movement.. geesh I’m going to get better at explaining… I”m just in the process of get better… hehe… but yes I was with the female shaman who is actually after the male shaman. When I was with the male shaman we had some messages about the Aussie man. As I remember it now is that it was a bit more somber or cumbersome… something to this nature… I felt like I was thinking how much I wanted to be engaged in a more tangible relationship with the Aussie man… at this time I thought messages were a lot more quick in a manner than what reality was showing. I thought I’d be learning more about him in the physical realm but it wasn’t playing out that way. So I was processing my emotions of how sad I felt not being able to communicate with him… and there wasn’t any mutual curiosity anymore… definitely not to the same degree as when we met the year before. The shaman’s masculine energy was very comforting as if he was a male family member who knew I was hurting but also giving me support and space to be hurting but a confidence that things are getting better… so this memory came to me when I was with the female shaman… and it felt like she was allowing my wild side unleash… it was like she was like… why are you sad and hurting… you are beautiful not only on the inside.. but truly in a physical manner as well. And this was playing out in my mind as well before I started to strip my clothes off… hehe… I remember my thoughts started going sexual when I was thinking of him when I was in her presence and I also remember saying aloud… oh my goodness… I called her by her name… you’re so naughty… and I started chuckling… because I can be very naughty as well… hehe… and I remember I started dancing on my hands and knees… and our energies started increasing… and I remember I felt like I was being encouraged to not hide and embrace my beauty and go wild… let myself free… and while I was standing up stripping my clothes I was dancing in a circle again… laughing at how naughty stripping to my nudity would be but fuck it… this is how it’s going to go down… ha! I was dancing in the nude… and I went back down onto the mat and I was on my hands and knees and continuing dancing and feeling very sexual and a bit naughty… I remember saying how I’ve been such a good girl for eight months now… and it’s been a lot of work… hehe… I was definitely dancing and thinking about the Aussie man which was fun, BUT…. There was a moment where I started to sense the facilitators presence. There was a male and a female facilitators. I knew the male from the year before and the female was new this round. I started to think about the male facilitator first… and I was giggling to myself… but yes I was saying things out loud as well… I know I had said his name and the facilitators are not drinking with us in ceremony… so there’s a possibility that he heard me and I didn’t care. So I started thinking about how interesting it would be to have sexual relations with him… and I wondered how our energies would mesh together… I could imagine having a great time with him. And yes…. My thoughts went to the female facilitator as well… which I found new and interesting… so I started to think hmmmm…. How would our energies work together in a sexual way… I said her name as well… I was like… oh… I haven’t been with another female sexually… I wonder how this would be and again I could imagine how much fun we could have together as well. So the shamans were not in front of me by this time. And then this is what helped lead to me rolling over to the guest next to me. But I started getting thoughts about a sexual energy in the air. lol… I probably might have began the energy but it felt like I wasn’t the only one. I even started to get excited because I thought maybe sex was going to be a collective lesson for this ceremony… hehe. I was definitely open and up for learning more about sex… lol. I remember I was going over how the facilitators were probably more strict about not having sex before, during, or after retreats…. I thought the shamans wouldn’t have so much restrictions. I thought possibly they knew sexuality needs to be healed and addressed… instead of them bringing it up… they would try to encourage me to try it. That’s when I tried to take initiative to see if in fact this ceremony was going to be a teaching session about sex. I’m blushing right now… because it sounds like I’m a bit crazy… and maybe I am… but this went down fairly close to what I remember. I had a male to my left and I had a female to my right. At that moment it didn’t matter which way I rolled… I was going to see if anyone else was interested in learning about sex tonight… lol. So I went into the details with this gentleman that I rolled to and all the shit that went down from it… but that wasn’t really what I wanted to get into. But… I know there are times in ceremonies that I get messages and I’m so eager to have the opportunity to learn these messages…. And I definitely wasn’t as patient as I am now. I’m getting better… hehe. But I feel like I need to process where I am and that’s also taking a look at what’s what down in ceremony… changes are happening… and recontextualization in my approach needs to be addressed and questioned. I’ll go back to my Swedish friend… that was a thought I had about him was a possibility he could be friends with the Aussie… but another thought was that he might be a potential sexual partner and intimate relationship like a polyamorous relationship. I have no clue why this came into my thoughts… it just did… and I hadn’t even met him. I have to admit that I was wondering if my Aussie man might find this Swedish man attractive as well? When I met this Swedish man… I do have to admit that I found him attractive as well. The good thing was he was dating someone and she was beautiful and sweet so it made it easy for me to not flirt with him and keep a safe distance so I didn’t explore the excitement I was feeling before I met him. So I’ll go back to the ceremonies before I met the Swedish man… yes the first ceremony went down with the nudity… but there was another ceremony where a sexual nature came up and again… it was like a polyamorous situation involving the Aussie man with another man. At first when I was getting messages about this man… it was more like how I would be getting introduced to each other through the internet. I mean it was obvious to me… because I’ve been watching his YouTube videos for a few years by then. So I thought it was going to be more business in nature when I had him come into ceremony. There was definitely something about expanding communication when it came to him. And it seems like the internet is the opportunity for me to introduce myself to him as well… at least the opportunity now exists. It’s taken over three years to take the steps, but I have started my attempt. As he continued in my ceremony… it led to my thought wondering whether if there was going to be something other than business with him? Oh my goodness… I’m going to stop myself again… hehe… I’m not sure how comfortable I am to continue to express my thoughts during ceremony. Let’s just say it was interesting… and I’m still curious about it… and again messages don’t seem to be forgotten or ignored. Well… ignoring seems to be easier than forgetting. Hmmm… has there been anyone else? No… I cannot remember anyone else. Honestly though I know there are gaps in loss of memory in some ceremonies. I know I’ve experienced receiving messages again and triggers the original time it was brought up… so I might be missing one, but I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I’m trying to even remember my ceremonies not with Aya… there’s been a few times where sexual energy presents itself.. but I’ve been able to not really allow it to go further than say kissing and sharing techniques and some dancing. Is that what I’m thinking that I’m worried about… that there might be people I’m attracted to where I might allow more than kissing. And do I feel guilty about it? yes… I think that’s what I’m feeling… and I think I just want to be open to give myself some grace. I think I have conditioned thoughts of how I’m suppose to approach romantic relationships… even though I feel like I’ve tried to be as radically open as my conditioned mind would allow. There’s still room for me to open up even more. It seems to be challenging to continue to open to more changes in a few of my areas of life such as sexuality. I want to… and I feel like I’m going to be exploring this more this year. We’ll see maybe I won’t get the opportunity… but I seem to be thinking about this area quite a bit. Maybe it’s to just purge it out. But what’s the affective way for me to do this? I don’t know until it plays out. It’s almost been three years since I was placing myself as an exotic dancer… and I have memories of how exciting and fun it was… but how I wanted things to be more mutual and not so structured around having to be a bit obligated to engage because it was a position that it was expected. It’s having clear communication…. Again… I continue to want to take steps that doesn’t ruffle so many feathers with anyone I’m engaging with… so this approach draws everything out and goes through loops and dips because I’m just not able to find that I am the one who wants to lead these conversations. I actually talk to the Swedish man… and he also was hinting around to me… lol… because I do this so much it sticks out to me when I hear it. He said that this tinder girl he’s with took initiative and he was surprise yet grateful. We are in a bit of limbo-land… and I feel we both are mature enough to address it. And that’s the thing… maturity is crucial here. I feel like I’m going to listen to Leo’s video on maturity again… This Swedish man is a ladies man… he probably wouldn’t say that.. but in my observation.. he is. And… to me that actually makes me feel a bit more easy about approaching him. I want to have some fun and no pressure about making it into “something.” Everything right now is speculations because honestly I haven’t been able to have the balls to just address it directly. But damn it… I just want to be feminine. I want to attract men who can have the balls enough to address it directly as well. Yeah… I’ve been seeming how unattractive it’s been when I find that men cannot just be direct and open in their communication. That is attractive… there’s a lot to attractions but it is unattractive to me at this time… beating around the bush. I feel like there’s only one man that I can allow that from… that’s our game of anticipation playing out… and our subtlety has a dynamic that is’t easy to explain or comprehend.. hehe. He is the exception to any rules that I might feel like I have… lol… who knows why, but I know this is the case right now. But I’m a good student so I’ll continue to learn and readdress my thoughts on things. Ok… wow… I didn’t know I was going to go this way today. I thought i was going to go into the things that are playing out the last few days. But I guess that’s not what I was really focused on. I”m starting to give my things away. I’ve got four ladies coming tomorrow to pick some of the items up. Hopefully more to come. Oh yeah… I’ve been playing the $5 flute for maybe five days to a week… well… I want a better quality so I went ahead and purchased a decent flute today. I got a High Spirit’s Nova double flute in the key of A minor… the third eye chakra frequency, they say. So I’m hoping I can get this maybe by the weekend… I’m excited! I know I’m purging my things but I’m trying to actually have the things I want to travel around with. And I feel like I want some instruments. I’ve been really wanting to play more music… I want to sing more as well. This hypnotic mantra I hear over and over here at the Temple makes it easy to practice. The wife has asked me if I’m going to stay til the festival. I said I think so, but I also seem to be getting other offers… so I haven’t committed yet… we’ll just have to see how it goes. And yes… interesting… we’ll just see how things go. Ok… until next time…

I’m really pumped after the first day of 2024 closes. There’s something in my body that is wanting to explode with excitement… hehe… but usually my body knows something a bit earlier before Reality shows me why the excitement. So what shenanigans have been going on lately… let’s see it’s been a few days since I’ve written so where to start? Well… for New Year’s Eve I really enjoyed sharing energy with one of the German volunteers who danced with me. So mid week last week… the husband asked us to join him for a cookout since many of the international volunteers will be leaving soon. So we met us, and another volunteer ended up showing up that night whose origins are from India but he’s volunteering for three weeks and returning to Arizona. So his first few hours at the Temple involved a cookout with us. There were some tents that were setup maybe for a week now in front of the main cabin. I guess there was a bonfire table thing and two heater stands… so I guess this is why they set it up so have some gatherings through the winter. So cool… we had some veggie burgers, baked beans, and tortilla chips with soda… hehe… I didn’t eat all that I had worked that day so I was snacking already from the buffet so I did have a veggie patty with a little baked beans. Anyway… the husband wants to practice his rapping. He approached me during my shift saying that he heard I could sing. I said I’d like to work more on it, but yes I enjoy it. He wanted me to sing that night so he wasn’t gong to be the only one singing… I chuckled because I told him I don’t really know many songs that I’d be able to sing. But we’ll see how it works. So… I heard his rapping. Goodness… I think he had five to six different raps. He started with Ganesh and moved to Shiva… and so on… I’m sure I’ll continue to hear them. And I thought he did a good job and it looks like he’s put a lot of work into it. So what I noticed is that he was running out breath as he was doing his thing. There were times where he was trying to get his audience interacting where he did a call and repeat thing… example… he said when I say “benevolent”, you say “elephant”… benevolent elephant… and things like this. And again he was running out of breath or sometimes delayed when it was his time to say the first call word. So I already knew I wanted to help him out. We of course, the audience, were participating with him. And the next day I was talking with him. First he said that he really liked how I became the life of the party… I chuckled. He said he enjoyed my singing and dancing. I said I really liked hearing his rhymes. I told him that I thought he did really well too… and maybe I have a suggestion for him to be able to catch his breath. He said that would be nice… and so I said.. maybe add a simple course in between his verses. I said when he was doing his call and response… he could just make those his chorus. If he keeps it simple and repetitive then it would be easy for the crowd to pick up and sing along with him. I feel bad but I don’t remember all of his lyrics and they were actually pretty good… but let just use the basic example we used already… I said if he starts chanting benevolent elephant over and over… then the crowd will be starting to repeat him… and that would be a good time to take a breath… and then when you’re ready he can come right back in once he’s ready. It’s a start for him to get his creative juices going. He said it would be nice to have this every week or something… I think he wants more practice and I think it’s not a bad idea especially if there’s going to be more volunteers. I hope we can get a little better healthier food options… hehe.. but I was fun. We all mostly went up and did a little karaoke and ended up putting dance music on and it was fun to do this together. So.. this happened. Like a day before I had asked the gentlemen who live at the house with me if it would be a problem if I have the volunteers over to the house around new years to have a dance party. So we were thinking that maybe we’d be able to go to the ecstatic dance at the SL temple on Wednesday, but one of the volunteers would be leaving that morning.. so I thought… why not just do it at the house then… So I asked first the chef who lives in the basement apartment with his family. He would be the first priority because they are in the basement and would be hearing the walking around from us. I was seeing what time would be best to finish our dance session so it doesn’t bother them. I told him he didn’t have to answer right away… but ask his wife and see what she says too. So I gave him a few days to think about it. He said that New Year’s Eve should be a good night for a dance party. I asked the new priest who came the day before the same thing. I knew he goes to bed early so I was wondering what time would be ok with him. lol… and I don’t think he understood what I was asking. There’s a little issue with trust around here… and so he said there’s not going to be any alcohol is there? I said no… we all are volunteers here and it’s fine without alcohol. He didn’t say much but a few days went by… and then during lunch on Sunday he came up to me with the husband. The wife happened to be sitting at the table as well. The husband started asking me what he was talking about. The priest thought he should spend the night at the main cabin since I’m having people over to dance. So the husband was asking me what was going on. I said the volunteers and I wanted to have a dance session at the guest house, where I stay. I was trying to get a time of how long we would be able to dance tonight. I looked at the husband and said… we have a lot of fun dancing and we’d like to bring it inside to celebrate the new year. So the wife said… well no one has talked to me about any of this. This dance party isn’t going to happen. I looked at her and said… well I asked the people who I live with who are the ones going to be affected by it. I got their permission… but I’m just trying to see how late we can gather. A few hours is all we need and that should be fine. She said that the wife downstairs would not approve. And I said I asked them early in the week and I haven’t heard anything saying that it would upset them. The husband said… she seems like she went through and was asking permission from everyone… that doesn’t seem like that’s a bad thing. But the priest needs to stay where he is because there’s no space in the main cabin. I said that’s what I thought. So we ended up deciding that we can dance until 9:30pm. And that would give us about two and a half hours… and so I said that sounds reasonable. And thanked them… hehe… I doubled checked with the chef to make sure 9:30 was ok with him and his family… to him it seemed like he didn’t mind if we did it later… The priest spoke to me again and he kept asking about my “friends”… I kept trying to explain to him the “friends” are “volunteers”… the ones that are living in the main cabin… the ones who have been volunteering here for three weeks or longer… I keep trying to explain that my “friends” are part of the Temple. He admitted he thought I was brining in friends from out of state. I said… technically they are out of state… hehe… but I haven’t invited anyone who doesn’t live and volunteer on this property. Our ecstatic dance isn’t going to be a big bash with alcohol. We just want to dance for a few hours. Hehe… I even was talking to the volunteers about this during the week and I thought having a blindfold on would be really fun and interesting. And the chef overheard me saying this… and he asked what’s the blindfolds for? I said… well have you been in a situation where we’re not able to connect to music because we can see other people watching you dance. When we put blindfolds on… then we don’t have to worry about that… we can connect to the music and our bodies without worrying about people watching you. I asked him if he ever put on a mask and felt like he could transform into someone else? He laughed and said… his mind went pretty dark… and I laughed and said… yes… I’ve been finding out that most devotees here seem to go dark at first. We aren’t trying to do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fellow volunteers gathering listening to music and dancing together. We just did this the other night outside… what’s the difference inside and focusing it more to connection with the music? Anyway… last night we got to do it… and it ended up be so peaceful and quiet that I doubt anyone would have any reason to complain. And… all of the volunteers actually have been running around the last few days so most of them were worn out… hehe. So the two of us who are actual dancers were up for it and have been looking forward to it since we’ve mentioned it. She’s been wanting to practice more about her teaching skills of belly dancing and she’s actually been to ecstatic dances and so I figured she’d be the one to lead. I was interested in learning more. She had asked the wife to see if she’d be able to teach belly dances at the temple like the yoga classes.. but the wife said it was too sexual for the temple. So I told her that it’s ok to do this at the house. I have had some belly dance classes and I absolutely love Polynesian dancing and it’s similar in ways. Honestly… any dancing sounds amazing to me… hehe. So I guess there were going to be two other girls joining us but they wanted to rest and come later. So we starte out by ourselves. She wanted speakers and there seems to be a system installed in the home with speakers in the ceiling but I haven’t used it. And we couldn’t get it working anyway. But again… it wasn’t necessary. It was loud enough for us in the living room and it didn’t bother anyone else. She actually found out when she was teaching… she found herself turning down the music for her comfort level and for us to hear her anyway… hehe… but while she was waiting I said we could start warming up and doing some dancing anyway… she said that it looks like I’m pretty comfortable dancing… if the girls don’t make it we can just go into the ecstatic dance. I said… I can always continue to learn. I’ve taken a few belly dancing classes and what I’d like to see if she can help with is… how they use their arms. And she did great… and it was so fun to be able to mirror her. My body was creaking and cracking… hehe… it felt amazing… it was waking up! The other girls arrived and then she was able to do her lesson. It was more slow and foundational and intentional which isn’t how most of the belly dance classes I’ve attended are. So I know that all of us appreciated her sharing her experience with us. I wanted to definitely tell her how grateful I was with her lesson… and she was equally grateful to have a compliment and feedback from another dancer. So it was time for ecstatic dance and the other two girls ended up leaving. So it was back to the two of us.. which actually worked out great because we’d have much more room and with blindfolds we won’t have to worry about hitting someone by accident. So we turned off the lights… we both had our sleep masks and she had a play list for about 20 minutes of her style of ecstatic music. I loved it… I hadn’t tried dancing with a blind fold either. I noticed one time I got a little off balance…. But I adjusted and it was very fun to be liberated from not being watched. I do have to admit that there were a few times where I had thought about my dream lover and we dancing for him… and it was hot… hehe… but not the whole time. But we laid down on the floor afterwards and every inch of our bodies were buzzing with energy… there’s not any words that I can say to explain how satisfying dancing is for me. We were chuckling a little about how much effort we had to do to be able to do this… hehe… there’s a bit of stress the volunteers are having dealing with the wife and yes… it was a purging session and releasing any tension that happened to be stagnant in our bodies… I understand what she’s saying… to say it’s challenging… it’s saying it nicely… hehe. But how can this be wrong… hehe… and there are so many pictures and artwork at the temple with people dancing and expressing joy… however, it’s pulling teeth to be allowed to dance… hehe… and wow… I don’t see much joy in the devotees… moments, yes… but majority of the time… that’s not the energy they’re projecting. I can’t say that for every devotee… but I’ll say it’s more rare than it is common. The artwork also has beautiful women with little clothing and men half nude and attractive. I mean literally Krishna is the all attractive one… and Rama is all pleasure… this is the mantra that is being chanted all of the time… it’s almost a trance or hypnotic how much its repeated everywhere… hehe. But how much they’re afraid of people having any thoughts of sex or attraction and pleasure to people who are not Krishna… I don’t know it’s baffling to me… hehe..and I had to actually laugh about it out loud with someone. So the dance session was beyond satisfying and very much needed. I hope to find more time to do these types of sessions with myself or with others as well. She really wants to be able to go on a Wednesday to the event at the SL temple…so we’ll see if we can figure that out. We finished the night by going up to the roof of the Temple and watching the fireworks in the distance from the neighbor towns and cities. It was really nice and all of the volunteers ended up making it up there and sharing it together. We were laughing trying to figure out where next year we will all be… since most of us wants to be traveling quite a bit. One asked if we could choose one word to help explain the year we want to create for 2024… I think my word would be “expansion.” There was a $5 flute which was donated this week to the temple. I saw the women and children who bought it… and they left it on the donation box for anyone to use. I left it there for a few days and no body picked it up and used it… so I thought… why not me? I used to play a little flute in middle school… I was pretty decent at the time… I love music and why not. They don’t like my drumming because it’s not their rhythm and also they said the tone doesn’t match the same as what they have. So if I do play I need to play it softly enough for them to not really hear it… hehe… I’ve been able to play the flute twice now. I’ve practiced a little at the house and went to the temple to practice as well. It’s not a flute that plays off to the side it’s similar to a recorder. I cannot remember what the Indian name of it is… but it’s a very basic flute and so I’m trying to find the sounds that is soothing combination… I’m not sure if I’m able to do the octave higher on this flute. We’ll see… but I did meet a guy tonight and I got him to participate in aarti with us. I gave him one of my little drums and he liked having it and danced a little with it, and he liked hearing my flute with everything as well. I met him during dinner and found out that he’s had a few Aya ceremonies and feels like it’s calling him back again. He did three sessions in Cancun, two nights in Utah, and two nights in LA. We barely got to talk with one another, but there was a good start. He is moving closer to the Temple soon and hopes to be able to come more often. I decided to see how it plays out before we exchange information. It would be good to talk to him again. He asked when I was going to have ceremonies. I told him I don’t have an open door policy… hehe… I’m much more involved then hosting a night and saying ok… have a good life! Ha… but he said he respects that. So… if we are to work together and share more… it’s going to happen. So… I should be meeting up with my old friend… we grew up together and he’s Mormon and his family was like my second family growing up. He had invited me to share in the celebration of the wedding of one of his nieces. Her wedding is actually Wednesday, but they are having a celebration tomorrow before they unite for family and friends. I’d love to go and celebrate and catch up with him and his bro. I”m also supposed to talk with my Swedish friend who’s in Peru at the moment. Actually he would be Iquitos now for New Years… I wonder how he likes it. So I hope to be able to call him on my public transportation ride. Oh.. I need to see if we can adjust the time a little from what he wanted. I should probably send that out fairly soon so I don’t forget. Oh my goodness… my cat… he hates being stuck in this room. He’s always at the door pawing at it… he wants to go and roam the house. He doesn’t use his nails but still… I don’t want him to continue this behavior… I’m not sure how to get him to stop. I had my sleep mask next to my bed…and I ended up throwing the masks at his paws and the door… hehe.. I’m sure that is not a good way… but I’ve tried different approaches and I’m not sure what’s going to make him stop. I know he’s similar to me… we like our freedom. And I know I want to be able to give us that sooner than later. I don’t like keeping him in this room either, but dang these are the rules… but I think we can be flexible enough to deal with some things we don’t necessarily like for a little while. I can see how reducing a bit of our freedom can ultimately help us have more freedom later. I took him outside earlier and he enjoyed it. I’m hoping to take him to the farm soon to meet the llamas and the birds. I feel like we’re going to have a farm in the future.. so getting him used to the different animals will be helpful. Ok… this is good enough. I’m getting tired so until next time… enjoy the new year!

Alright… wow… things keep on a’coming… hehe… it might not seem like it, but I can feel it. And man I continue to get more excited each day. So I’ve been working at the Temple in the afternoon to evening and I’m loving my conversations. There are so many people stopping by from all over and it’s really neat to be a part of that. Briefly I met a couple who might be connected to plant ceremonies in the Salt Lake area. They’re involved with volunteer work at the Krishna Temple up there in the gardening area. They did mention they have a yoga, ecstatic dance, and sound healing bath on Wednesdays. That’s my day to work but I might be able to open a Wednesday up to participate maybe. I was speaking to some of the volunteers about it and one of the German girls is leaving on Wednesday so… I offered my place here for us to do it together. Only the German girls have actually participated in ecstatic dances back home… and everyone else has been interested in trying… so hopefully we get that arranged this weekend. New Year’s Eve or on the day possibly? I cannot wait to share that experience together. I’m hoping to possibly get blind folds while we do it… let’s see if we can get that going… hehe. I scanned through what I wrote last time, but it looks like I haven’t mentioned the new priest who just arrived. He’s from Nepal… woot woot… so I’m hoping to find some time for conversations. It was pretty funny the first lunch I shared with him and the family that was staying here he said he’s from Nepal… I mentioned that’s where I want to go this year. And he said well he’ll show me around. The wife of the family chuckled and said… wow… it’s like I manifested him to come here… for sure I’ll be getting there soon… hehe… yes I’ve been mentioning Nepal many times… hehe… I’ve got my mission and I am attracting network opportunities to get there. So the priest arrived yesterday and he’s staying in one of the rooms at the place I’m staying. The family left today to return to Dallas… and I think I did have that comment about the evening aarti when their son played his flute. It was beautiful. I could hear him while I was working, but I wanted to make it up there even for a little time to make sure he saw that I saw and heard him. I was able to sing along with him and I loved it. I can hear that he was pretty steady but he started to let loose and started to ad lib a bit and it was great… so I had to encourage him to continue to freestyle and go with the flow… because it was great to have the flute sound radiating in the temple. Plus the priest was on drums…. And so it was really fun to hear everyone together. The family was soooo sweet and I’m grateful they were the first guests to stay with me. We got a selfie with the African grey parrot, Ramu to capture a moment. Since the family left… the husband and wife were not comfortable with me and the priest staying at the house together alone. They said this isn’t normal for ashrams to allow that. They tried to move him to the cabin where they live, but all the rooms are occupied… so they allowed us to do this at this time while they can see if they can make different arrangements. The priest whispered to me that they’re scared of fire and air together… it creates a lot of heat. That was one of the first things he mentioned to me was how attractive I was. It was surprising to me to have a priest act in this manner. He’s not overboard with it, but still I didn’t expect this. I mean he has a wife and children and I’d assume these comments wouldn’t be coming out of him. But he has no clue that I’m not interested at the least in having any relations with him in that manner. But the wife also told me that he’s new to the country and it’s best that I keep my distance, and try not to start any conversations while we’re alone together. When she was saying this she happened to mention that I’ve got a very strong energy… she was saying something like a whirlwind or whirlpool… something like that… and who knows what I’m going to attract towards me. Again I was a bit shocked she was saying this… but I wish I could have a conversation more about my history and my mission… but we haven’t had these moments yet. There was another incident today which I didn’t think was going to happen, but somehow I thought it could be a possibility but I wanted to see how things would fall into place. There is a gentleman who I met and went to eat dinner at the place he’s staying. He was supposed to go to Arizona, but he’s decided to spend at least another month here in Utah. Any way he’s been messaging me… a bit too much and so I said I don’t really want to message this much back and forth. If he wants to have an engaging conversation, then it’s best to speak in person. I was telling him different options and finally he said that he would come and join evening aarti and be able to spend the night if he volunteers the following day. So I’m assuming… he’s already volunteered here for two or three months at the beginning of last year so I figured he’s already built a relationship with the wife… and I’d assume that he would get all the arrangements taken care of before he arrived. Well… he joined the aarti… I’m downstairs closing the buffet and getting the building ready to close and lock up… and the wife was training a bit more and then I hear him ask the wife if he’s able to volunteer the following day. She was fairly abrupt with him and short and I noticed that she wasn’t too fond of him. It’s obvious he is attracted to me and he mentioned the reason he was there was because of me. She asked when he was going to volunteer… during the morning? She monitors the volunteers in the morning? He wasn’t answering and was hesitating. He said he’d like to do the morning aarti with the husband, but he’d like to volunteer in the afternoon with me. She looked at me and said I’d have to give him work if he wants to do this. I said well… I can give him dishes at least and I’m sure there’s more I can find for him to do during my shift. So… that was the conversation and in my mind is… he never called and talk to her about this… so he hasn’t mentioned anything about spending the night at the place…so I brought it up to the wife. I said… ok by the conversation I just heard… he hasn’t gotten a hold of you before he arrived. She said… you don’t really know this guy do you? I said no… I just met him here. She’s like well… he’s definitely a character. I said… well what he hasn’t said is that he wants to spend the night at the house. She forcefully said no! He looked at him and said you do not have permission to stay here. All of the rooms are taken up at this time. And she was looking at me and said that she had no prior notice of this. I said I thought he was going to talk to you about this. And she was implying that that’s what everyone says. I said… hearing the conversation he just mentioned this to you… so I knew he didn’t get your permission. That’s why I stopped you before you left because I want you to address this. She said that nobody stays the night or the weekend unless she knows first. The family that stayed with us got a hold of her and told here how many days… and she scheduled everything out and they had to pay for their stay. I said yes that sounds like a good process. She ended up getting a call in the middle of the conversation. And I look at him and started chuckling… I asked him… why wouldn’t he contact her before he arrived? He didn’t want to answer when she was still around. She came back and enforced her decision. He said he brought a sleeping bag with him… is there a public area where he can sleep for the night… she said no again. Absolutely not… he’s going to have to go somewhere else to sleep tonight. I nodded and said that’s not a problem… the buses are still running. She ended up leaving and I was left with him. So I asked him again… I said she’s the boss around here… of course he has to get permission from her. He said… well.. no body here follows her rules. Many do things behind her back…she’s really strict. And I looked at him and said… do you think I’m not going to follow her rules? She knows the activities I do that aren’t what she wants on property and she said that if I do it off of the property she can’t stop me, but if I’m on property she wants me to follow the rules. I told him I want to work as a team with her. I don’t mind following her rules. She’s created an amazing space that I’m going to have many opportunities by being here. So I know you didn’t want me to mention this to her… but I can’t believe you didn’t tell her. She already is trying to trust me… so I saw the red flag and jumped on to it. I respect her. I’m here to hopefully get her to have time to relax, paint, and just rest a bit more than what she’s been having. She and her husband have been working everyday for twenty years. I’ve heard they’ve had one vacation for a weekend to volunteer at an animal sanctuary. She’s been working hard and is probably irritable. I feel if we can find opportunities for her to rest and rejuvenate… she doesn’t have to be so curt with everyone. She’d be able to be more gentle, but I know how irritable I can get without getting any rest… so I’m hoping to be that for her… even if it’s a small period of time. I feel he heard me. I told him I have integrity and I wasn’t going to go behind her back. No way would that be comfortable for me. Now that I’m writing this… what kind of man is he… if he’s not able to communicate clearly with her? It’s quite a cowardice move. I got time to talk to him more and I’m not trying to make him feel bad, but damn it… be courageous… even if you think it’s going to go bad… do it anyway… do go behind people’s back. I know he assumes he knows me, but I wanted to make clear tonight that he hasn’t heard much about who I am… he likes to talk a lot about himself. But it’s time for him to get a reality check. I can be a lot easier to give it to him… but he has a better idea of the strength I have. What was interesting was while we were waiting for the yoga to finish up… we were chatting and the husband comes in with some groceries. The husband saw this guy and again I could see he wasn’t fond of him either. He asked what he was doing here at this time? The guy said that he wants to join in morning aarti tomorrow and also volunteer afterwards. The husband looked at him and said. Honestly I don’t think that’s a good idea. If he wants to come on Sunday, that’s ok, but he doesn’t want him on property on any other day. The guy asked him, why? And the husband looked at him and earnestly said… we housed you for months here and he was very difficult to handle. He was there to volunteer, but he wasn’t productive at all… things never got done and there were too many controversial conversations about complaining instead of just doing what they asked him to do. He even said that he seemed like a black hole. I could tell the husband wanted to be clear and firm. But he also was gentle and said that he didn’t want to have to say this, but he asked a direct question and so it gave him the opportunity to give him his honest opinion. I could tell that it hit hard for the guy as well. But I don’t know their history… and honestly if this is how it went down… then I can see why they had their opinion and they have the authority to make these decisions. So when the husband left us… again I looked at him and chuckled… and I said wow… what’s going on here. He seemed a little distressed and said well… I’m going to have to tell you something. He referred to the five languages and how the acts of the service is something that is far from what he’s used to doing. So that’s why he wanted to do WWOOFing. This Temple was the first experience for him to try to get better at the acts of service. He said that that was tough to hear from him. He said that the husband would never talk to him while he was living there. He said he wished he would’ve said something while he was there and he would know to make those changes. I said well.. how well do you know yourself. And he said he does self reflection all the time… so he knows himself. Then I said…well you know if he was telling the truth or not. He said well.. he’s been having slight issues with a few of the locations that he’s been volunteering at. Not in the same words, but there was another location that asked him to leave because of political talk that wasn’t agreed. Finally the location he’s at they respect his service he gives. So I said… ok… well you started here and you sucked at it, but it looks like you’re getting better. I wondered if he had ever worked before because that’s acts of service. I asked if he’s taught anyone something… again acts of service. And so he said he used to tutor and he found it easy. And so you are trying to stretch yourself in acts of service that you feel is challenging for you. And he said yes exactly. He wants to get out of his comfort zone to push himself and learn and grow. I said this is great… and as you can see it’s not easy and it’s ok to suck… but as you continue… you’re getting better. If you know this about yourself then you should be able to take his opinion better. The husband doesn’t know the history and the work you’re doing… but he was also being honest and that should be respected. I was able to lock everything up and set the alarm so I can do this three or my four shifts. I’m still missing steps through the shift… and I know I get into conversations quite easy as well. I can see conversations with guests is fine, but tonight I was really getting into speaking with the volunteers again. They work the opposite shift as I do, so we haven’t had time as easily as when I wasn’t living here. I actually had a great conversation with the Chinese volunteer. Everyone went on a walk and she stayed back to feed the llama… I helped with this and so this allowed us time to share. Yes, Aya came up and she loved it! She’s the one writing her master paper on spirituality and so I have been wanting time with her. She said that she feels that she’ll try it at least once in her life. She had many questions and I enjoyed being able to talk with her before she leaves next week. She is so adorable and sweet… I hope to get better at describing people… hehe… my vocabulary is limited.. hehe… but she’s very soft and tender and kind… I really enjoy having her around. I’m already starting to miss them as well. Same thing with the family that visited. I’m going to get better at not being attached to all the amazing people who are going to be coming and going at this location. The guy who came to visit had until 9:30 before he could catch the last bus to go to his place. And I said it was fine for us to hangout until then. We went to walk across the field to get to my place… and he said that he has some boxes that he brought with him… he comes around with two large cardboard banana boxes, a duffel bag, and a backpack… again I chuckle… wow… you brought quite a bit with you huh? He thought he was going to be allowed to stay a few days. I shook my head… he brought all of this without getting permission… he probably knew he was going to run into resistance and thought I wasn’t going to catch on to what he was trying to do. Geesh… anyway. I wanted to get more time with him and see what I can help him with. He wanted to know more about my Aya shamanism and I said that it’s not time for me to go into detail… we’ll see if there’s time that will be better. He asked this because he made a comment how we both know about our shamanism styles… and I said… I haven’t had the time to share. I was listening to him the whole time. So he thought this would be the time to listen to my ceremonies. But it’s not the time. I wanted to see if he could see what these ceremonies have done to my approach to life. So he asked again what in my life lead me to be here? I asked if could get a little more direction on what he wants to know… this is a pretty broad question. He said how did I get to be so confident and courageous with my speech? He said that it’s unique to him. hehe.. I don’t know if he’s being honest or if he’s trying to flatter me, but I asked for direction and so I went ahead and continued our conversation. We were able to share quite a bit… I was trying to give him some nuggets that actually could help him… but honestly I was being a bit sneaky with it… I was using my interaction with the female devotee…. He knew briefly of what went down. But some of what I was trying to help her see… is a general help for all of us in some degree. He had quite a bit of direct criticism tonight and so I thought if I implied it indirectly it would be easier to take. And he’s very intelligent in his own way… and I do feel like he does listen. We spoke quite a bit and he finally asked me to be one of his speakers at his gathering in the fall. I chuckled and said this is not a project I want to commit to at this time. I have my own mission and I’ve got my eyes focused on this. If by chance his gathering is going to be a part of it… then we’ll know closer to that time. But right now… I’m not going to commit to this… hehe… he finally got the hint that I’m not just lolli-gaggin’ around. And… I’m not just talking shit. Even when I was being quite firm and abrupt… it seemed like he was falling deeper in love with me…hehe… not really I felt like he was increasing his respect for me. And that’s what I want… I respect him, I’d love to have this reciprocated. Plus I’m pretty sure that he understands that I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with him. There was a really great and insightful conversation we had… but honestly I’m getting tired and it’s not the same unless its coming out naturally. It was what was needed to be said at this time. He was laughing when he asked me to be one of his speakers… he said I can tell it how it is… I laughed and said … this is just how it is for me and the people I’m dealing with… hehe… but yes. Very interesting… absolutely love this life… so very interesting and I’m eager to see what each moments brings and observe how I respond to it. Guided…respond…learn…how my relationship is going… guided… respond… learn… it’s been exactly what I’ve wanted and needed. Thank you! Alright… until next time…

Beautiful day with some new guests that are visiting from Dallas. It a mother, father, and son. Their origins are from south India. They arrived today during the lunch hour. I had done some grocery shopping in the morning to have some supplies for them to snack on if they wanted to partake or not. I’ve spent most of the day with them, and I really enjoyed our time we shared. They are doing a bit of travel during the winter break… the son wanted to participate in some snow sports so they’ve been skiing a little bit in Park City near Salt Lake…. And now they are spending time at the Temple so they can help in anyway they can. They might also go to the hot springs, but we’ll see how that goes. The wife has allowed me to pretty much show them the ropes around here and it’s been my pleasure. I really enjoy them. They have been enjoying the time they are spending with me as well. They said they would like me to let them know what they can help out with… hehe.. I was telling them that the wife is the one who pretty much runs the volunteers. I’ll give them suggestions, but honestly she’s the one who knows what needs to be done. Before they arrived and after my shopping.. I needed to grabe some water from the temple. I walked by the female volunteer and I said good morning. I know she said not to talk to her, but I figured there would be no harm to at least be friendly and say good morning. Hehe.. she had such contempt in her eyes when she saw me.. I just continued to smile and I didn’t expect her to reciprocate… but kill them with kindness is my approach many times…and I guess that’s what I’ll have to do… hehe.. at least for now. But I noticed I forgot to bring the carrots I bought for the llamas… so when I returned after taking the water, cereal, and milk back to the house… I tried to feed the llamas for the first time with the carrots. It was quite funny. At first I was with the females. There was a black llama with white on her face. She was the most eager to try the carrot and once I fed her… she was stopping any of the other females from eating the carrots… she was spitting at them and it’s kind of like spitting air to let them know to stay back. I had one of the German volunteers who happened to walk by while I was doing this and she tried to distract that black llama and tried to feed more. But the same thing happened. There was a tan llama that finally got a carrot but then she was engaging in the same activity of stopping the other llamas from trying any of the carrots… hehe… I went over to the male side and I say the hierarchy much clearer. Again I feel it’s obvious to see which one is the alpha and second alpha and so on. I tried to feed the first male llama I saw but he didn’t take the carrot right away. The second alpha came up pretty quickly and he enjoyed the carrot and made sure that I couldn’t feed anyone else… UNTIL the alpha came up and was wondering what I was feeding them. Once I tried to feed the alpha I noticed the second alpha knew he was subordinate to the alpha and let him eat. And again… the alpha didn’t have to act in the same manner… every male just knew to let him eat… hehe… so yes it was interesting. I thought maybe I’d have to try to start to feed the lowest on the totem pole and work my way up, but I don’t think that will work either… hehe. It was funny to see this behavior. After lunch once we finished eating I was already introducing myself to the guests. I took them out there and thought maybe with the four of us spread out that maybe we could feed more llamas, but we continued to run into the same situation. So the female llama who is black and has white on her face got most of the carrots. I took them on the hill where the radio tower is located and they got a great view of the property and the surrounding mountains. I also was able to show them where we are staying. I told them I usually just walk through the field but since they have a car… I can show them where the road is. They said they had space for me to sit so I should join them. We drove to the house and I showed them around. Originally we thought the parents would stay in the master bedroom with their own bath and the son would stay in another room. They wanted to stay all in the same space and asked if they could put down a sleeping bag. I offered to just move one of the beds into the space and we compromised by bringing in a mattress onto the floor. We all decided we’ll just rest until later when we’ll go eat dinner and participate in aarti together. While we were resting I could hear the son was sneezing a lot. I asked if everything is ok.. do they need anything and they said they’d like to go and get some allergy medicine for the son. They didn’t mind walking and so I told them that the grocery store is within walking distance. I ended up taking a nap again. I’ve been finding that I’ve been sleeping quite often during the day… hehe… I’ve been reading the Bhagavad Gita from time to time. I just now got to the third chapter. It’s interesting… I find that I feel like many of the interpretations sounds like a human interpreting the text… and not necessarily the interpretation from a non human perspective. But that is what I figured. I continue to see that this line of disciplic succession is stressed highly in this text. I found a part that wasn’t necessarily resonating with me… again why i feel it’s a human interpretation. Let’s see if I can find it… 1.43 O Krsna, maintainer of the people, I have heard by disciplic succession that those whose family traditions are destroyed dwell always in hell. (Translation from the Sanskrit) Arjuna bases his argument not on his own personal experience, but on what he has heard from the authorities. That is the way of receiving real knowledge. One cannot reach the real point of factual knowledge without being helped by the right person who is already established in that knowledge. There is a system in the varnasrama institution by which before death one has to undergo the process of atonement for his sinful activities. Onc who is always engaged in sinful activities must utilize the process of atonement, called prayascitta. Without doing so, one surely will be transferred to hellish planets to undergo miserable lives as the result of sinful activities. (Dialogue from the Krishna Consciousness founder A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada) Bhagavad Gita As It Is (Second Edition Revised and Enlarged). His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. The Bhaktivedanta Book Trust. Copywrite 1972, 1983. Printed in China 2022. Pg. 57 Possibly the people in this Forum will have a similar experience as myself. I agree that the right person who has already established knowledge is a powerful way to receiving real knowledge… BUT fortunately for us, the person also knew that hearing what knowledge he has to share can not be understood until we receive our own personal experience of this knowledge. I wonder how many people understand this? It definitely goes into the authority to our lives. Learning we have authority as well… again… I understand this to a degree… but also how can we further explain that’s not always the case… hehe… anywho… While I’m reading… I’m finding myself wanting to pick at each line a bit… but I understand there are certain customs that were in play during the times of the writing. I can see how culture has influenced the human side of the writing… But I have been introduced to some of the scriptures where I see the non human perspective… so I’m looking forward to see how the scripture unfolds. I also have been running into situations where there are rules and regulations that are set in place but I wonder why studies that have been founded between the time of this writing and now… hasn’t adjusted any beliefs. Did I mention the whole onions, garlic, and mushroom thing that I ran into? I think that was part that was erased… hopefully it doesn’t do the same… who knows until I go to post this… hehe. But anyway. Here I was told that onions and garlic are not to be used as food. These are only used by Aryvedic healers as medicine. So they need to be prepared in a certain way. By the way… this is interesting to me and I”m open to hearing more about these concepts… however… there was more to it… I was told that eating large amounts of onions and garlic also enhances the need for sexual desires. I chuckled because again in my experience I eat quite a bit of onions and garlic… I mean they’re delicious and flavorful… but I’m not lusting over sexual desires carelessly… so again… it can go back to the authority saying this to be true… but what if direct experience seems to show something different? I don’t know… I’m going to follow their rules and so I’m leaving onion and garlic out of my diet for now. And I guess I’ll see what it’s like to have them removed from my diet. I don’t want to speculate until… I’ve actually given this a try. I was also told mushrooms are a fungus and not a vegetable… so they are not to be a part of our diets either. We ran into a couple passing by and it was a bit funny because the gentleman was talking about where he lives outside of Philadelphia. Dude!!! It happened again…hehe… for some reason this page reloaded and half of the text was deleted… hehe… I’m not sure what’s going on. Well darn it… I was finishing it up. Geesh again… what to do? Should I rewrite everything that was deleted? Darn it…. Well… I guess I was in the middle of my thought and I’d like to get the thought out… and I really don’t want to write everything out again. Let’s just say I ate lunch with this couple and we found that our topic of mushrooms was not the right time or place. I ate with a young lady from Texas whose origins are from Mexico and had great conversation about her noticing the temple and decided to come and check it out. She was happy to be able to take her time and explore the Temple and its grounds. Tonight I ate with the visiting family at a local Indian restaurant where they invited me to join them. We were singing and playing music for the aarti together tonight… which was beautiful… and we had a lesson with the wife after… so we missed the buffet. But darn it… we had an amazing time together and I’m looking forward to tomorrow as well.. but I was talking about a part of the lesson the wife was talking about that had me thinking… So… I’ll just continue that thought… Here’s what it says in the Bhagavad-Gita As It Is… As soon as one becomes a devotee of the Lord, he also has a direct relationship with the Lord. That is a very elaborate subject matter, but briefly it can be stated that a devotee is in a relationship with the Supreme Personality of Godhead in one of five ways: 1. One may be a devotee in a passive state; 2. One may be a devotee in an active state; 3. One may be a devotee as a friend; 4. One may be a devotee as a parent; 5. One may be a devotee as a conjugal lover. (Pg4) When she was speaking this to us… she was implying that the passive state is where our relationship begins… and as we get deeper into our relationship we then move our relationship into the active, to friend, to parent, and then to lover. This is getting me to see where my relationship with Infinite Intelligence is at this time? As all of this stuff going on with the computer erasing my thoughts completely or half way… and what I’m finding myself being… that I feel like I’m moving into the devotee as a friend… I was really putting out all my thoughts about things that has been happening but purely for my purpose of purging… and there is consequences to doing this… so I feel like the messages that are getting deleted had moments where I haven’t been as friendly as I could be at the situation. I am really grateful that I’m here… and I know I’m going to be growing leaps and bounds by being here and interacting with the people who are drawn here while I’m here. I can be more tactful of how I’m relaying this in the public domain. I am engaging with the Divine at all moments… I can be more appreciative of our friendship and the way I’m getting taught… so I am understanding this… I can be better at helping people who might be reading this understand this is going on as well. I know it feels good to purge but again… maybe purging out every little detail isn’t what is helpful at this time. Finding that all of these experiences are a friendly way for me to continue to grow deeper into my spiritual understanding… and yes this is what I would like.. and I can return the same respect and be friendly back when relaying my lessons. There are different degrees of friendliness… I can go deeper into this. And that’s what I originally was wondering about… was how will eat feel to be a devotee as a parent and then a conjugal lover? Well… it’s time for me to learn how to be a friend at this time. When and if the time comes for our relationship to mature… then ok… but I’m happy to learn how to be a friend deeper. Ok… I’m going to go ahead and get ready for bed and read a bit… so on and so forth… until next time…

Ok… wow… very interesting… let’s see if I’m able to get this posted or not. So… how to approach this? First of all… I know that I’m going to be learning a lot while I’m here. And I want to make sure that I”m being understood fairly clearly…. I find ways to learn and usually it’s really from daily conversations and interactions. These give me lessons and my emotional reactions shows what I’m attached to and areas I need to look at. So I got triggered today and also triggered people. I knew I was a hesitant to move on property but I’m still hopeful because I can see in these 48 hours there’s a lot of opportunities for contemplation. So… what I noticed that I was getting triggered. This was involving this baby llama. When I first was helping with this baby llama, what I heard was that we are trying not to get her to imprint on humans. What I’ve been told is that when they imprint, they don’t see themselves as humans, but they see us as llamas. When they see us as llamas they will treat us as llamas. So supposedly again what I’ve been told is that they shouldn’t be spitting at us if they’re not imprinted. It’s when they’re imprinted will they be more likely to spit at us because that’s how they communicate with other llamas. Now I’m not saying I agree with this, but the person teaching me this… sees that llamas should be trained to be obedient to us. Now they also see animals have their own soul and connection to the Divine, but there is still a bit of hierarchy. I’ve heard a few times of how useful the llamas are to serve us. Again I’m just beginning my experience with llamas and so I’m open to here any comments that is being given. Right from my point of view… llamas who are wild and free don’t have to do anything but to be what they want to be and don’t have to serve anyone but themselves and their community or herd or whatever this is called. But when they are put into enclosures there brings a different dynamic into play. They are more highly involved with human interactions. So yes… I’ve seen a few llamas spit at us. I apologize when it happened to me because I know that I have done something that wasn’t comfortable for that llama. In fact I was getting the little baby to feed and a female next to the llama spat at me. I was emphatic knowing that I could’ve scared her and also maybe I shouldn’t be so involved so much with the young ones. We have good intentions to help the baby getting larger and warmer in this weather. Again I’ve seen llamas in the Andeans and I do question why the winter is such a dramatic time to have children. And honestly… in the wild it probably isn’t a problem, but since they are getting born in enclosures that some of the natural abilities are being skewed so maybe adding more assistance actually might be necessary. But the person who is teaching me all of this was spat at one day and her reaction was quite different. She was a bit offended that a llama would act that way to her. She was making it clear in human language that that behavior is not acceptable. She didn’t do anything harmful to the llama or anything.. but I’m sure the energy she was creating from her reaction gave a little sign to the llama that she wasn’t happy with the behavior. So there was still communication going on. But anyway we are feeding supplemental milk to the baby. Granted I’m not here every day so I’m not doing this as much as everyone who has been living here. They also live right next to the llamas and so they have had more consistency doing these feedings in the morning and evening. When we first started we were leading the llama with a harness and lead. We were trying to train her to be comfortable to walk in this manner and also her get used to the procedure. We have been taking her into the temple to feed her. So this is why we were using this method. There’s a few times where I’ve fed her out in the enclosure, but I guess the last few weeks it’s been indoors. So I had been noticing that we’ve been carrying the llama instead of using a harness and lead. I thought yes I’m sure that’s the easier way, but I didn’t think we wanted to have much touching involved because of the imprinting issue. But I’m not the one leading this so I’m just observing. Well… yesterday the leader finally said that she would like to have the baby placed on a harness and lead again to take inside. I was happy to hear that, but I also thought in the back of my mind that this will take more effort now and there’s going to be some of us who will not like to be patient with this baby. And that was the case the two times I was helping lead the baby indoors. She didn’t want to go. She was being stubborn. So I’m ok if it takes awhile… again I haven’t been with her day in and day out.. so I feel like I’m more likely to give her patience. But also maybe I might be much more softer than needed as well. I do not know the correct balance of this. But of course it makes me uncomfortable if we’re dragging her. I can see how we can do it for a little bit but for the most of the time doing this doesn’t feel good. In fact this evening she would fall onto her side twice because she really didn’t want to go. It made me feel bad. To me it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to go. But I also see that babies can be stubborn and again the intentions are well in nature so I’m still going with the crew to get her inside. This morning there is about a four month old llama who seemed to comfort her and he was walking free next to us. I asked him to join us outside of the enclosure. The babies are allowed to travel the property freely and so I thought if he was walking around her that would comfort her… and for the most part it helped. This evening he wasn’t there and she was exceptionally resistant. I know that this makes our crew uncomfortable as well. And so I’m tryin got figure out what the best approach is for this all… I feel the energy of the resistant llama… I feel the energy of the impatient crew member… and then I feel my energy of wanting things to slow down and relax. Again what I was told that eventually the baby llama will get the idea of the routine and eventually it will get easier because they’ll like getting the additional food. Well it’s been a month and I still see how resistant she is about the process. So this has been building up in me… and this evening I was watching the baby getting fed and to me it seemed like she was obviously finished eating. I know that she’s going to be a stubborn baby and not want to eat all of the time, but I’m wondering when is enough, enough. When is it ok for us to just say ok… she did good enough to drink half the bottle… and she’s not going to drink the full bottle right now. This morning… she did very well and drank the full bottle without much resistance. To me it didn’t look like there was much resistance… she was drinking… but this evening.. it was a different situation. She has recently started eating hay too. So yesterday she gained a pound when our original goal was a half a pound a day. So I’m getting excited because I’m thinking shortly we won’t have to continue doing this, because she’s gaining her own weight… Again it might be naive… but if she’s going to be able to gain a pound a day… if we aren’t feeding her twice a day… she’s getting her half a pound which is the healthy amount to gain for a baby llama. I really wish I would be able to observe the difference in size from a natural fed baby to a supported baby. The four month baby was naturally fed, but he’s also male. So I’d like to compare the female baby with him but it won’t be as accurate possibly because I’m assuming the male might be a bit bigger anyway. i don’t know… hehe… but I’m wondering how much help our assistance really is.. hehe… I know that the husband doesn’t actually think we should be doing all this extra stuff. He would prefer it to be more on the natural side of it. Yeah.. I’m not sure how I feel about it right now either. I was trying to keep inside my thoughts, but I eventually said that isn’t it good enough for her to drink half the bottle? I mean it looks like she’s full. When is the time when we’re helping and when we’re forcing? I really don’t know this answer and all I know is I was getting emotional and I said that I’m getting annoyed by watching this treatment. So here’s my first trigger. I didn’t want to continue watching… it was crazy because I was trying to join the Aarti tonight with these two young sisters who was with their parents visiting from Columbia. I wanted to have them participate with cymbals and drums and singing… but because this went down… I totally forgot to do this. What I should’ve done is actually go up into the temple and participate in the Aarti because I needed space to calm down… but that was not my reaction. I wasn’t responding… I was reacting. I realize this now, but in the moment I was clueless. Because I was in this state I was carrying around this energy with me into my next engagement. Which… did not go well either. This is where I started triggering people. Well… actually when I got triggered… my reaction was already triggering the crew members helping feed the llama. I reacted emotionally and I wasn’t even concerned how my words were implying that the people helping were not caring about the llamas emotional state. I know they all care for the llama and they’ve been doing their best day in and day out feeding this llama. Also my words were implying that they were being forceful and possibly might be causing trauma for this little one. But my words as well was creating the same to the crew because I wasn’t conscious about my words… and acting out of emotional state. Again I didn’t realize this at this moment. It wasn’t until I sat to eat and was talking with one of the crew members and how she felt about our interaction. I felt responsible to apologize and admit that I was emotionally reacting and I do know that it’s challenging to feed this baby and having her resist is not easy. We’re all trying to help out and we all love her. So I wanted them to know that I know they are full of love and care but my reaction wasn’t productive and was not executed in a respectful manner. I got to apologize to three of the four. I’ll speak with the fourth member tomorrow when I see her. They are one of the huge reasons why I wanted to move onto property is because they are amazing people and I wanted to spend time with them. And I want them to realize that I know it’s difficult… but it was difficult to me to watch and I should’ve been able to walk away and let them do their task without my emotional reactive opinion. So again… we can get that I wasn’t in a very conscious state. I knew I needed to stop watching the feeding… and I wanted to calm down… but again… instead of walking upstairs into the temple… I walk over to the counter with two of the devotees. One of them I’ve been talking with mostly since I’ve been here. He’s very excited that I decided to move in… he’s been trying to get me to move in from the beginning. And the other devotee is someone I’m just getting to know. She is the one I was triggering… not that I was trying to trigger her.. but I know the crew wasn’t trying to trigger me either… but again for me triggering shows me areas I have attachment to and I need to work more in this area… so I’m not reacting… I’m able to respond. Again… I cannot help that this is going to be from my point of view…so if someone is to ask her how the conversation… it can be a completely different and so understand that this is only one perspective of the conversation. So… it started out very casually… The male devotee just came back with two of the volunteers. So I asked how that went and asked what they did. He said it was beautiful but getting very cold. They went to the lake and it was frozen over. They were there during the sunset so there was gorgeous views. They stopped a few places around the lake and found spending time with horses which they all enjoyed. I know many of the volunteers post on their social media, so I’m looking forward to see what pictures they were able to capture. So I was trying to have a casual conversation to just calm my nerves and also thought it would be a way to see if I can gain rapport with the female devotee. We don’t talk much generally and since I have a good relationship with the male… I thought this would be a good time to have a general conversation to get to know one another better. He said that he’s so happy that I have decided to join the community… and she said that she was so happy that he has decided to join us. He said that he has decided to extend his stay here for another few months. I was happy to hear this because originally he was going to leave shortly. I said… ok great… you’re planning on staying through the festival then? That will be nice to spend so much time together. He was happy to be sharing time as well. He ended up saying that he’s looking forward to preaching during that time… and then he stuck out his tongue and said… wait I don’t like that word “preaching”… he said… I’m looking forward to “sharing” during this time. I said yes I agree… I like the word sharing as well and like to use this. So I was talking more about the more fundamental definition of how I perceive preaching to sharing. I was saying that sharing is more of a conversation where all parties are able to be involved with the conversation… where preaching there seems to be only one person speaking and everyone is expected to listen. In my opinion… I’d enjoy the sharing compared to preaching. Well… I obviously wasn’t communicating clearly or… possibly… again this is my opinion… they are assuming something behind my words. The female devotee started saying how this is not what she sees in sharing. To her she is not interested in hearing other people’s beliefs… if they are coming into the temple, they should be open to hearing about our beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we are necessarily open to hearing about their beliefs. She said that if she was going into a Mormon temple she doesn’t think it’s ok for her to share her beliefs about Krishna… she’d expect people to ask her to leave is that was the case. I was trying to let her know that I’m not insinuating that sharing means sharing beliefs… I’m talking about having the ability to have conversations with people. Especially if people have questions… that’s allowed correct? Many people visiting this temple are new… so I’d think they’d have questions. The male devotee said yes… of course I love questions… and I know this to be true… I’ve seen him interact with the visitors. He’s very warm and welcoming and I haven’t really seen him not open to questions. But I know the female devotee wasn’t feeling like she was being understood by me. I was trying to tell her that I’m not trying to have a conversation about converting one another… I was trying to talk generalities of what the difference between sharing and preaching means to me… and was seeing if that was a safe assumption to what was being meant when he said he’s excited to share with visitors. He put it a bit better for me when I messaged him earlier… but she is more on the orthodox style of Krishna consciousness. I was getting that from how she was communicating to me. Many of the words she was using was referencing the texts that they use… and these words should be explanation enough. Of course… I am not able to be tactful at times… so I know I responded with my own experiences with dealing with religions when I’m visiting their places of worship… Most of the people I seem to be drawn to are open and eager to have conversations about spirituality. And then I had to see if they notice when they get offended by people’s opinion if that’s something that they might recognize as areas of spiritual work? Again he was able to say that some of the work he’s learning is discernment. Which I agree is a great lesson to work through. But again… she was not liking me asking this question. It’s ok to not want to be open to hear things that are untrue. Krishna does not care about right or wrong. As long as people serve him is all he cares about. If we choose to not serve him, then we can find demigods to serve. I said what I’m trying to ask is… how do we know what spiritual work we should be working on personally? I said I’ve found when I get triggered… this is an area to work on… personally… I’m not thinking oh these people who are triggering me are wrong and untrue… hehe… well maybe in my reactive state, but when I take time to contemplate… I can see that this is not the case. This is a lesson for me to learn from. Not that the correct way to learn is to just take the opinion of the other people… but to ask why do I have such an emotional reaction to this topic? Again this is one way I can see spiritual work I have. She was not wanting to answer this questions… but the male devotee said that Bhakti is the way he does his spiritual work. Oh my goodness… how do I feel about sharing this? It gets even more intense… and should I be picking out all the details? Man… All I know is that I feel like we’re on the same team; however, our approach is different. I feel like I want to be more effective in my communication… and so I guess I’m trying to see how effective team members are with their communication as well. I feel like I am definitely out of place at times when I’m here… but I don’t know why this is. I feel like I’m an instigator… but am I intentionally doing this? I know I like people to explore themselves.. but I also know that when I see walls… that it’s not the time to continue. I still need to work on recognizing when conversations are getting intense… it’s the time to be much more cautious… and I find it’s when I’m getting more careless and that is not the way I want to be. I think we had an interesting engagement so I think I will continue. This really reminds me of the message I got last year… we are family but it doesn’t mean we’ll get along… hehe. I shook my head when he said this. I was hoping to further engage in this response but the female devotee was again not liking my conversation. I don’t know how to really type out this conversation that was being had because there’s bits a pieces that comes into my mind… which are probably out of order and hard to follow.. but darn it… I’m wanting to purge… so I’ll have to do it the way that is coming to me. So I wanted to see if they understood that if we are open to having sharing conversations and we hear something that we don’t agree with… we can respond in different ways.. right? I was even trying to use Krishna or even their founder Swami Prabhupada in a hypothetical. If we would assume if they were having conversations with people who are saying untruths that they would be triggered by this? Or would they be able to be so deeply in their truth that other people’s opinion wouldn’t phase them. She was telling me that their mission is to serve Krishna and Swami Prabhupada has asked his followers to share the Bhagavad Gita to everyone… they are to awaken people and it’s a state of urgency. And again… it was not the time to ask her questions… I know she was upset but I did not stop myself. I was saying that I have heard how well Swami Prabhupada who she really is a devotee too as well with Krishna… How well I’d assume he was able to connect and communicate with people here in the States when he came by river boat. I feel he wasn’t as effective as he was, if he found his solution was to ignore people who spoke untruth. I figure he’d understand and embody truth to the point that he knew he would have to talk to people who didn’t share this understanding. To be able to be as effective as he was… he had to be open to engage in conversations where sharing was being done. She said that he was sharing the words of Krishna… he wasn’t being influenced by their beliefs. Again.. I wasn’t saying this was the case… for some reason I feel like she thinks I’m trying to convert them… I’m trying to see how much spiritual work can still be done to be more effective to share God consciousness or Krishna consciousness… just helping raise consciousness…. Which is where we find ourselves… and I find myself… hehe… and I keep wanting to ask myself… how much effort do I really need to do… it’s already happening and what am I really drawn to do while I’m hear. I thought maybe having conversations with other spiritual devotees… but she did not like the fact that I came to the conclusion of Bhakti before arriving to this temple. She definitely feels like there is something wrong with me. I told her that’s fine for her to have this opinion of me. I know that I am who I am and I’m confident of the love of myself and the divine… I’m not here to have her like me. I don’t need her approval to continue loving and serving. She has asked me to not talk to her. I said that is fine. We don’t have to talk… that is not a problem. With my schedule… we won’t have many opportunities to engage anyway. I’m working the shifts she’s unable to do. So… maybe I’m not really here to talk everything out? lol… I know I’ve found people to have conversation with… and again… not generalizing that everyone will be easy to talk with. I can again work on discernment. There’s so much to work on… hehe… and again I feel I’ll be blatantly being shown on all these areas. And maybe if I’ve got the time to actually work on these areas… I’ll be able to transmute these energies into something more peaceful and embracing. Again… they’re my family… we don’t have to get along… but do I still have love for them… yes… do I see myself in them… yes… do I need to be understood? No… that’s what’s hard to chew… how much I’d like to be understood.. but it’s not necessary though either. Do I need to be more understanding… yes… I can do a lot of internal work here.. and I like to see all these mirrors helping me see things in myself that are more obvious for me to adjust at this time… let’s see if I’m allowed to stay… geesh… by getting her so upset… I’m hoping that I’m not going to get kicked out. Who knows… we’ll see how it goes. I’m looking forward to see how the perfection of Reality plays out. Ok… I’ve got some shopping to do tomorrow. There are supposed to be three guests coming tomorrow and staying for three nights and leaving on Friday. I want to grab some drinking water, some bowls, plates, and cutlery so they can have snacks if they want. I already want to get snacks like fruit and nuts and veggies… so I figured I’d go ahead and offer them to the guests. The grocery story will actually be open in the morning so… I’d like to get there early and get this taken care of before they arrive…. Which I’m uncertain when that will be. I might also get some bottled water too? We’ll see… I was speaking with the wife and she thought putting a little something in the home for them would be nice. I’m sure they’re going to be eating at the temple mostly. But Im looking forward to the company. I’d like to get some more reading done and get to bed early. Ok… this helped out a bit to get some of these things out. Again… I’m not trying to demonize anyone if that is what it seems like I’m doing… I’m purging… this is spiritual purification… it helps me not have to linger so much attention and energy in rolling over the conversation and interactions over and over again. Alright you guys know what I’m saying… until next time…

Interesting… I went to post and my new wifi connection didn’t have internet connection… so I have to use my mobile hotspot on my phone. When I returned… everything I typed had been deleted. Bummer… but I wonder if I’m not supposed to publicize my opinion about what went down my first 24 hours here on the Temple’s property. Hmmm… I’m sitting here debating if I should go ahead and write it all out again. I was about to do a little more reading of the Bhagavad-Gita before I rest. I’d like to get up early to do another round of Sura Namaskara and Yoga Nidra before helping with the tofu turkey feast for lunch. Welp… I guess I’ll just see how I feel the next time I post. Maybe I’ll go ahead and give a gist of what went down next time… I’m quite tired and want to get some rest. It is interesting though… hmmm… I got some insights while I was purging… so maybe that was all I needed to do was to purge and not necessarily share. Alright… happy holidays everyone… whatever allows us space and time to celebrate and be grateful… until next time…

Ok… so I was exhausted yesterday after I got back from the hot springs. It was absolutely beautiful and they kept a lot of the natural elements to it, but ohhh… we were not ready for the hike. Well more like the ice we encountered… hehe… I think I mentioned on my last go at the wilderness therapy gig… that my hiking boots busted and so I went with my tennis shoes and so did mostly everyone else. There were two that had decent shoes but the rest of us… well we were slipping and sliding everywhere. A few of us were really timid… so what we were told would only be a 45 minute hike… took the group 2 and a half hours… hehe. So we did not stay to schedule. I mean most of us didn’t have time restrictions but the ex who took us was trying to get back in time so my roommate and his daughter didn’t get upset with him. Well because we were running late… unfortunately they were upset. The daughter got over it fairly quickly because she was laughing when we got back and he took her to see some Christmas lights. But my roommate wasn’t happy and was very frustrated and vented to me and tears were showing. She was saying how he always looks like the good guy and she always feels like the bad guy. I didn’t want to actually get involved in the middle of this and so I let her vent. But I also was sore… hehe… I slipped and fell three times so finally I had to let her know that I’d like to sit and relax and eat my dinner. She seemed like she wanted to vent more.. but I did give her ample time… probably close to an hour… that was good enough form me especially since I was cooking and wanting to eat while this was going down. But anyway… I really liked hiking with everyone. We helped each other out… and I believe it was everyone’s first time at a hot spring except for myself. So they didn’t know what to expect and they all loved it! The way back was a bit more challenging then on the way up. Plus we were pretty much at our own pace instead of waiting for each other. I didn’t mind actually I finally got some moments to just walk in peace and quiet with nature. I was sliding down a lot on the way back too which was quite fun… hehe… We all made it back safely and I’ll get to talk to them tomorrow… but I believe everyone pretty much passed out when we returned. We got some pictures and videos… I hope to get their IG names so I can tag them as well. I did post a IG story yesterday. It was with the llamas and the African grey parrot, Ramu. It’s been well over a year since I’ve posted so I had many people reaching out to me saying they missed my posts and asking what I’m doing. It was also good to say hello and wish people happy holidays. I hope to try to get back to posting more this coming year. We’ll see how things play out. I know there’s videos of things last year that I might post as well at some point… I did like using the online social media for my album storages so I can get it off my limited storage I have. This morning I spoke briefly with the wife at the Temple. I think I should be able to move in tomorrow afternoon… but she also didn’t actually confirm that either… so we’ll see. I spent today packing. But I’ve also been thinking about my roommate and her daughter when it comes to Christmas. When I say that the ex brought a trailer full of boxes… it was crowding the living room where we couldn’t even see out of the double doors in there. I felt bad that they didn’t have any space to put up the Christmas tree. I know how much that means to kiddos… so I started moving all the boxes into my closets I have in my room. I allowed them the opportunity to put the tree up and kind of hinted that they could do this together all of them… before we left, but they didn’t end up doing this. But I think my roommate will probably do it once we go. All I know is I tried my best to clear space for them. All my stuff is stacked up and ready to go. So I’m hoping I get the green light with the wife so Elvis and I can move in tomorrow. Elvis usually gets the hint that we’re going to be leaving but he seems pretty content. I feel like he’s just getting more trust in me. This move is only about 15 minutes away so that should be fairly easy on him in the car as well. I’ve been trying to get Snow their cat to allow me to love on him. She kind of wants me to, but every time she smells me she gets upset so it’s not really working out too well… hehe. She is a little cutie… well she’s actually a little bigger than Elvis, but you know what I mean. I’m going to miss playing with the daughter. I know my roommate works a lot and we got a lot of time to play around together, but I’m hoping we can setup some play dates here in the future. My roommate said that they may even come to the Temple to play with the animals. I’d love that. But again we’ll see how things play out. The ex was bummed that I was leaving as well. He said that my roommate needs my rent money. I said right now she needs more space to put all the things he brought over. Plus the cats aren’t getting along. She knew I was looking for another place as well… over a month we’ve been talking about it. It was up in the air, but because of the load that was brought in… it helped my decision sooner than later. It funny that he’s concerned with my roommates financial situation. I know she makes decent money.. and I guess he makes six figures. But he’s barely paying any support money for his daughter. To me, it would be much easier for him to pay support to help them financially… but she said he’s a tight wad and is always stressed out by money. She said that he makes close to 13,000/month… lol… I chuckle because that’s more than I make in the past few years… hehe… and wow… I’m glad I’m not anxious and stressed out to his degree. I hope as I continue to increase my financial circumstances that I continue staying calm with my relationship. Actually I’m not worried about it… I’ve been working consciously about this… and as it increases… I’m sure I’ll make mistakes but I’m more healthy than I ever have been in the past. I’m looking forward how I observe myself as this happens. I took my bath today… again I was wiped out last night and pretty much slept close to 12 hours… hehe.. so I was looking forward to soaking. I cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom up so everything looks nice and clean. I’ll probably have to do a final sweep in the bedroom once all my stuff is out. I have some food in the fridge and freezer and then everything will be ready to go. I know where everything is however if I have to delay a few days. I’m getting a bit excited. I’m not even sure how the place looks.. hehe… I’ve got an idea of what I’m getting into, but honestly I won’t know until I get there. I know by volunteering I’m at least committing to two weeks. So I feel it’s worth it to try out. I’m hoping things go well and I’ll be there longer. However, I feel like I might also be transitioning to wait for other opportunities that might be a better fit. But again who knows.. I’m open to see how things play out. Geesh! I’m looking at all my stuff and I’m like… why do I have all of this with me? Hehe… I know I was planning on staying a year here… but man… I did go a bit overboard. How much do I have… I have two tubs… two suitcases… two bags… and four backpacks and a box… plus a few items for my buddy and then two bags for food. That’s quite a bit. Oh… and my bed with all my pillows.. hehe… Yes… this will probably be one of the first things I address when I get moved in. Start the purging process. I feel like I’ll continue to purge while I’m moving around and figuring things out… but I can definitely get a good jumpstart to this at the beginning of the year. I’m almost out of my tobacco. I feel like it’s getting to be perfect timing. I think I have enough to last me until the first of the year. I might have the speciality tobacco saved back for ceremonies too. I lost a piece to my small pipe so I”ve got my grandpa’s pipe out and using that right now. I’m not sure if I want to use this pipe for ceremony though.. I’ll have to think about it a bit more… but it’s not the easiest to clean so it’s not the best to get a good hit from it. But again… I’m not sure when I’ll be sharing ceremony. I know the girl from German would like to… and I think I’m interested in sharing it with her too… but who knows if it will really go down. I saw a thread here on the Forum and I think I might have heard it before but didn’t really think about it… but absorbing Bufo or DMT through the rectum… I’d be down to try it out. And I know people won’t have as many issues of actually getting a good hit with this approach… hehe…. I just don’t know how comfortable people will be if I told them the way we’re going to administer the ceremony through the anus will go… hehe… well it’s in my awareness… so maybe this might be something to try for myself of course before I asking any guests to do this. I definitely have not run into anyone I’ve spoken to who have access to this style anyway… but crazier things have happened. I’m really looking forward to getting into the country more. There’s are some horses that neighbor the property… kind of… I didn’t know it was there until yesterday driving by. I knew the cows were ther but not the horses. Of course that always interests me. I might take a walk over there and see if I can volunteer with them as well. Again… there are some things I’d like to focus on for a bit… with my spiritual practices… I feel like I want to be less distracted at this time. Ok… I just waned to give a little information before tomorrow morning. Hopefully they’ll be some exciting news to share. Oh I’m not sure if there’s even going to be decent WiFi there… hehe.. the international volunteers said they have WiFi at their cabin but it’s hit or miss on the connection. They said the Temple has the better WiFi signal. I’m hoping the location I’m at will be a bit better because I feel there will be less of us there who want to share the service. But I thought I can go to the library and pick up hotspots if I had to. I forgot they rent out some hiking gear… I wonder if they have spikes to lend out. If I go back to the hot springs… I’d want to have some spikes on. Alright… this is good enough for tonight. Until next time…

Alrighty then… I tried my first personal message here on the Forum… well actually I tried before but I didn’t have access, but I tried again last night and I was successful. And I got a response which is great! I still feel like I’m more effective on a one to one basis… so I’ll see how it goes. I felt like the conversation is right up my alley so I thought we could have a more direct conversation to address things. Anywho… Today I planned on staying home and I was looking forward to a soak… hehe… While I was soaking I gathered some insights and made some decisions. After I cleaned myself I just laid down pretty much with only my nose sticking up for what seemed like a half hour/45 minutes… and allowed the meditative state to kick in. So I’ve been observing this Krishna temple for a month now. And even though I have some reservations… I feel like the right move for me is to move in on property. I wasn’t certain but I think this location can facilitate opportunities that I’ve been looking for. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t need perfect to grow. I’ve been wanting to quit smoking recreationally and also gain more yogic consistency with practices that I enjoy. I feel like I’ll be more likely to implement these practices if I was living on property. I’ve been talking to the wife about the smoking thing.. and I know she doesn’t want it on property… but I also know that I’m working on quitting so I think she’s going to give me some leeway. She’s already giving me leeway with my cat. But I also know how much I want to respect her policies… so I’ll be pushing myself more than when I’m on my own. The thing is she’s used to having volunteers coming through programs like WWOOF and Workaway. I did not go through these programs. I came on my own which got her to question my intentions… hehe… but we work well together and I’m transparent with her. Yes they offer yoga in the evenings, but I’m not certain if I’ll be attending these regularly… it’s just not particularly my style. But again there’s potential to meet the people who are participating. I got a ride from a sweet couple last night so I’m sure I’d enjoy more conversations… so I might because of this. But I’ve got practices that I enjoy that I want to build consistency with. Again this environment should facilitate this. I’ll be moving into housing that’s pretty much going to be empty on my floor with a family of three in the basement. I already know the dad.. and I’m looking forward to meeting the wife who is originally from Nepal.. and I believe the kid is 16. So of course I’d like to get to know them better. But also having spaces that are open to practice asanas will be nice and giving myself more time for meditation and pranayama is something I’m looking forward to. With the conversation with the German anthropologist something was sticking out to me. She said… so you’re trying to get to Nepal.. so just keep that as your focus. Everything else doesn’t matter. lol… yes I guess this could be a way to look at it, but really everything does matter… but Nepal is my focus. I’ve looked into ways of how to get this project started… and I feel like I want to try to approach it again. There might be already people I’ve met that I feel can start to help me with this. I’m sure there are things I’m missing but the point is to start where I think I can find leads to more information. So I met the product designer who own the home I went to dinner with… he mentioned angel investors… so they was a key word that stood out when I was in meditation. Does he actually know any personally? Could I arrange a meeting to see what angel investors look for when applicants are sent to them? I can see, right? And then I thought about the Mormon siblings and the brothers who make movies and they pitch to investors to get money for them to produce their projects. Why can’t I see how this works and how they got a list of investors? Can I set up a meeting with these investors as well? So who knows if this is the time for me to make these moves… but again… it doesn’t hurt to try.. if I fail and make mistakes… ok I’m not ready and the people who want to help haven’t found me either. I’ll need to get a better understanding on how this all works. Shoot I also thought maybe I can possibly have a booth at this Color festival trying to raise funds to Nepal and might be able to come up with some artwork maybe… I don’t know about this.. but it popped into my head as well. Shoot I have to admit… this is the first time in my life I think I might look into unemployment. I have no clue what this involves or how to qualify. I’ve never asked for assistance from the government except when it came to my college loans. Maybe I can find programs to help me out right now… maybe not but I feel like I would do it temporarily if I did get accepted. I’m just trying to make sure I can get the groceries and travel expenses covered because I think I’m about to go into business mode. But focusing on my business. I’d have to say it’s close to the non-profit that’s been popping in and out of my mind for the past few years… I still have it here… and I no the rules and restrictions doesn’t give me a good taste.. but I’m hoping to find a way that isn’t so much that way… hehe… but who knows.. but I”m open to find out if I can create something or find something. So after my bath… I’m feeling good. I had a message from my Indiana radio friend because we had arranged to chat today. He asked if we wanted to go ahead and do a video chat. I am open to that as long as he was. But I wanted to take a quick smoke break. He wanted to grab a coffee so I had a little time. I decided to message the wife at the Temple to see if she had any reservations for me and my cat to move in and have me volunteer. I didn’t read her response as I was talking with my friend. I was fully engaged in the conversation. So again… I love seeing how he operates. When we first began he said he hasn’t used the video chat in many years. He reminded me of how conversations go differently from messaging.. to calling.. and now to video calling. He doesn’t know what’s appropriate… hehe… in his acting days he was used to watching the camera and that’s what he thought he would do. But at times he’ll try to look at my screen to gather some information. I chuckle to myself… because once we start going he won’t have to worry about any of these issues…hehe… but to see how comfortable he is in these engagements. By the way… he enjoyed the video chat. And so did I… of course the more information and details I absorb the more I gain. But that’s me. But yeah.. wow… i feel like we have exceptional conversations. I really love his candor and I feel we give each other room to be vulnerable and honest with the topics we are engaged with. He has a degree and I believe a masters too… so he has a tendency to do a lot of research and reading to gain a better understanding of how things are in Reality. Which again is fine with me but of course I’m trying to get him to eventually have more direct experiences with these topics for himself that he doesn’t have to refer to these books and other people’s thoughts. They can definitely be referenced but to hit home… correlate it with how it’s been applied and what results are coming from the research through …. Da..da…daaaah… direct experience. Do our own research on the results that’s being given to us. Sometimes it’s great to feel a flow with someone where we don’t have to overly explain everything. There’s a language being understood through the words we are speaking. I feel we can get into this together fairly easily. We really are listening to one another and we’re interested in the conversation. I absolutely love this! He was thinking about possibly talking about things that are more on the 3D side of life and so I was telling him what I just thought about in my bath soak. Told him what steps on making to live at the Temple. He wanted some information about that and so we talked generally about this. He had mentioned a few years back before covid he was in Salt Lake City thinking of getting a second job there but found he didn’t want to have two lives spread out from Utah and Indiana so it didn’t fall through. But he said that he wished he would have slowed down so he could get those opportunities to talk to people about their spiritual practices. I said it was funny because that was just what happened to me. I had to slow down and see that there is a bigger opportunity in front of me other than trying to get a job to save money to go to the places I said I want to go. This can be achieved but in a different manner than getting some random jobs that’s going to keep me away from the location that can harbor a space for my growth and exploration. Why not allow myself the this time? I think meeting the international volunteers are also helping me give a push, because I know they’re not going to be here long… a few weeks… I wanted to be on-site to have more opportunity to get to know them more. I also know there’s just been really great conversation with the visitors as well… I’ve been loving this… again why wouldn’t I put myself in the location this is happening? I know I am trying to find ways to do things differently… and it may have seemed obvious to possibly some readers here… but to me.. it wasn’t so obvious. I mean I knew I wanted to spend time here.. but this money thing was really getting into my head. But that conversation about my real goal is Nepal. And honestly it really is.. and so I want to be able to put my attention on this project. I’m not getting these trivial positions because I have a mission I want to focus on. And damn it… no need to distract myself… allow my time to nourish and explore these ideas. As I was talking to my Indiana radio friend.. we realized how beneficial it is to engage in this manner and to find community which allows this to happen on a more consistent manner is what I have here. By the way I did send an invite for him to join us here at the temple if he can find at least time for two weeks of volunteering. It would be a blessing to have him here and I think it would be a blessing for him to also jumpstart some changes he’s wanting to create as well. I’m going to have to go on a tangent about this.. because some of my former conversations with the wife.. she had mentioned that if I was stay in the place I’m planning on moving into.. if there are volunteers that come and stay at the same location that she would need someone to oversee them and make sure they get everything they need… kind of like a RA (resident assistant)… I feel like I could definitely do this. But what would she think if I start recruiting volunteers? I’m not sure if she’d mind as long as they follow her structure. Right? And honestly my work is to elevate consciousness.. it’s the same as she but in a different way. I know she loves my personality and how I can attract people… so I don’t think she would mind at al.. hehe… I’ll talk to her about his when the time is right. But I did already send out two invitations… hehe… I briefly spoke to my girlfriend in my hometown who is on disability. I told her this could be an opportunity for her. She’s struggling with her leg… but getting her more active is what we’re trying to motivate her to do. She thought possibly spending two weeks in beautiful Utah volunteering with the animals and learning more about spiritual practices can be something she’s interested in. Again… she’ll have to make the steps to get here. She was supposed to call me later in the day which she did not do. But I’m planting seeds. I’m always planting seeds… hehe… and I’m gaining more patience in the process. Things are just different lately and I’m really excited for the potential. I’ll go back to the conversation I was having. We were talking about balancing the masculine and feminine… it was interesting how he was applying this to different projects he’s been working on… I can go into the example he had for his radio station. He is talking simply as masculine is the action and the feminine as the receptive. He’s still working things out in this mind but he had thought to possibly say when needs aren’t being met… we tend to be in the masculine side of things… we got to be active to do things and get things done and moving. While if our needs are being met then we can relax and receive. I found this interesting and to a degree I feel like he might be on to something. I guess I didn’t discuss this with him because it’s just now beginning to come into my mind of the law of attraction. I feel like I can give a personal example of getting a job thing. I was in my masculine thinking I need to make things happen so I can start saving money to travel. I’ve been finding myself pushing but I kept coming up with no results. I’ve been getting messages to rest and relax and meditate. So if I use his theory then I was in my masculine because I was feeling I was getting my needs met.. so I turned to my masculine side to get the results I thought I wanted… in the way I thought it was going to work for my situation. But… when I did give a more conscious effort to relax, rest, and meditate… go into my feminine side of reception… I was able to gain clarity onto my next few steps. As I approach my decision to move into the temple grounds and volunteer will allow me to be able to focus on myself and what I want to create… I was find solutions where my needs were getting met. Interesting? I love it! I knew he was on to something and I’ll have to tell him about this… Now we both understand that this is an understatement of masculine and feminine but in a relative way I see this can be beneficial and I feel like I understand more of what the law of attraction is trying to say.. because I’ve seen a tangible example in my experience to clarify more understanding. I can see that I could have come to the same conclusion of moving in and volunteering but have it to where it was a last minute decision because I could think I’m lacking these things in my life and again try to make things happen and be in my masculine saying to myself unconsciously that my needs are not getting me so this is what I have to do. I’m not sure if this is making sense… but I enjoyed being able to link his research and his insights into my life. And I’m grateful for having these times to communicate in the way we find ourselves communicating. I told him at the end of our conversation that what we do when we give each other the time and energy… is a gift. hehe… he was planning on going to get some gifts at the end of our conversation and he was anxious about it and wasn’t looking forward to it. I happened to ask him how he usually approaches gifts… does he get something they need, or want, or experiences to share? At first he didn’t want to talk about it because all the tension he has been building having to do this. But he recognized that he’s open to take a look at it. It ended up going into the love languages and he said that he finds that he enjoys quality time and acts of service to give to people. I asked if he thought there could be a way that his desire to do this for people could be met while giving his gift to these two people he was buying for. I also asked if there would be a way he could take these two people at different times to go and buy gifts together? We mentioned how material gifts can be easily dismissed and thrown away or discarded… so why not make the buying of the gift quality time together with the people? One is going to be more playful in nature and the other would be a possibility to have a bigger purchase and he would be giving his budget amount towards that item. So I was trying to see if he could ease off the pressure of buying the “right” gift… hehe.. he appreciated that we talked about it because he started to clarify what he wanted to do when he was flustered before. Shortly after we got off the video chat he sent me a voice recording saying… wow… exactly… the time and energy and effort that we put into this conversation really is a gift… and he thanked me. I chuckled to his response because… of course it is… but sometimes we just need someone to point it out to us… and sent him hearts in response. I can’t wait until we meet in person again. I think he’s getting a better idea of how comfortable I can get the setting for us. He’s placing the pressure on himself… but I know this… and I’ll help him to relax into our engagements. So mostly I’ve been trying to pack my things up. I thought maybe I should purge some of my items before I move, but now I think I’m just going to wait. I might sell or give away some of my items but I think it would be easy for people to find me at the Temple. Plus it can be a public spot to make people more comfortable as well. And who knows I might find people through conversation that I can start giving my stuff away. I’m thinking I”m going to start lightening my load even more. If my girlfriend from my hometown comes and visits.. I might pay for a checked bag when she returns to take back to my pops place. I brought some items that I want to keep but I don’t want to travel with them. I feel traveling will be coming up and the lighter my load the less stress and more potential for opportunities. I already have my little buddy with me… and he’s important for me to have as a companion. I don’t need to be dragging so many things around with us. I’ve been learning how I operate when I travel and so I’ll be comfortable getting it down to the nitty gritty. I”m sure there’s more for me to learn… but I’m happy for the mistakes I’ve made already… I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve had to lead me to this moment. There’s no way I’d change a thing. This seems like a good stopping point for tonight. I’ve got things pretty much packed and ready for our hike and soak in the hot springs tomorrow. Yay! So until next time…

I spent the day at the temple. I was planning on spending time with the volunteers. I arrived around noon and they were getting ready to eat lunch. When I arrived.. my bus driver didn’t know where the entrance to the Temple was located and there were three vehicles turning onto the road. So I noticed there was a lot of activity for a Tuesday. The male llamas were close to the road so I said hello to them. I don’t think I mentioned this but when we’ve been grooming them and walking them… when we take them on a walk we line them up from alpha down by age. So I’m starting to get an idea of this when I visit the males. The second alpha is a beautiful llama and he was down there standing on a little hill. I was saying hello and there were others around. It feels like it’s noticeable which one are the top alphas… I knew which one was the alpha and the second alpha without being told. When she did confirm this I found it interesting. But as I was walking onto property I saw a very large gathering of Indian family. I spoke with them briefly and they have been on a roadtrip and they’ll be heading back to Las Vegas after their visit. I noticed a devotee sitting outside and so I sat down to talk with him. I saw some of his art today which was really amazing work. It was a drawing with charcoal and maybe chalk and pen…. He did a commissioned piece of Jesus Christ. He did a very nice job… I’m hoping I can see what else he creates. We didn’t have an in-depth conversation. He’s looking for a part-time job and we share that… he continues to ask me why I don’t just move in to the property. I’m thinking about it, but I also feel hesitant. I wanted to say hello to the female llamas as well… so that’s when I spoke with the family visiting. It was a gorgeous day and relatively warm. I was definitely over dressed… good thing I wear layers. But most of the ladies were wondering around outside of their pen area. I love being around the animals but I went inside to visit. I ate a late breakfast so I wasn’t hungry at this time so I just sat down to visit. The Indian family also sat down to eat and they had several children… I thought Ramu the African grey parrot might be a great idea for them to get entertained. I went to one of the fathers that I spoke with outside and he said that would be awesome but honestly he’s wanting to leave after they eat. If we bring Ramu for the children.. they’ll never leave.. hehe.. I said I’m glad I asked… hehe.. another father asked to warm up some milk for his baby. So I helped with that. And then one of the workers I’ve met a few times with volunteering walked in with his girlfriend and his three year old daughter. I have seen pictures of her but she’s so stinkin adorable. I finally made my way to her and we became friends immediately… hehe.. we were dancing and singing together. The Filipino WWOOFer also is an instant friend… she’s the one who showed me pictures of her… so we were playing with the child. But it seemed like all the volunteers were tired and were heading to take a nap. The brief time I sat with them I told them that my roommates x has offered to take the group somewhere on Thursday but there was a window we have… so we were trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we originally thought we’d go to Y Mountain and take a hike at the top. Later I was speaking to the wife and she said that’s quite boring. She suggests we go to the hot springs. I said I hadn’t heard of the hot springs… would we be able to fit it in the time we have? She said we should be able to and gave me information. I’m going to call tomorrow to double check that the roads aren’t closed. It’s been mild where we are, but the mountains can be a different story. I spoke with the volunteers around dinner and they seemed to like the idea. So yay! I hope it falls into place. But since the volunteers were going to take a nap… I figured I’d hangout with the child and her parents. I got to know the girlfriend a little bit. She’s making dream catchers for the gift shop. She also is thinking about making earrings as well for them to sell. She wanted to look for more feathers so I went with them to do this. The child wanted me to carry her and I got her to be the leader and I’d just follow and see where she wanted to explore. I spent a good amount of time with them until they had to take the child to an appointment. I hope I continue to get a chance to spend with them again… hehe… especially the daughter… I cannot help enjoying my time with the kiddos… hehe I decided to go and make some videos of the animals. I ended up in the field with the female llamas. I havent’ really spent any alone time on the land so I laid down and just enjoyed listening to the birds and the llamas walking and eating close by. It’s really beautiful on this land and the surrounding mountains. I continue to remember to be thankful for finding opportunities to enjoy these moments. I’ve been wanting to spend time out in nature more… so it was nice to find this time. I went to their cabin to see if anyone was up and about. It was quiet… I said hello to Ramu and there were three other birds which I think are Macaws. They are not as sweet and friendly as Ramu. One was actually trying to intimidate me… hehe… and he did a good job so I kept my distance from him. None of them can fly and I’m not sure how I feel about this. Right… I love animals but having them so far from their natural habitat doesn’t feel right though either. But it’s unfair to reintroduce them to their natural habitat when they don’t have all their abilities for survival. I can understand why they’re grumpy. So I wanted to say good bye to the wife before I left but one of the German volunteer came into grab some water. I was hoping to get some time to talk to her, but she wanted to take a nap as well. We started talking and finally we just talked for an hour and a half and ended up at the field again. I really enjoy her and we have some similarities in our personalities… hehe… it was great to have time together because it was easy to just talk about things that are going on in our lives… it was easy for us to be vulnerable and transparent. I don’t think I’m going to go into everything we spoke about… but one thing I’ll mention is she has been to Nepal before. She was envolver with one of the largest NGO programs in Nepal. So she said if I’m interested in volunteering in Nepal she would be able to give me a good contact. It was funny because she’s trying to help and has come up with strategies I’ve been trying to do, but for some reason it’s not falling into place right now. So I’m trying to allow time and space right now to feel things out. She’s so sweet though and I appreciate her support. We ended up eating dinner together. It was interesting because she’s had issues with food for most of her life. And it’s hard for her to digest. She said she’s been vegan mostly but still this didn’t help with her digestion. Of course I feel she can find a solution and I told her I got specific messages about changing my diet through ceremony and it continues to give me messages. I feel she would be able to receive those types of messages as well. She was talking about an app that she’s been using for a month now. She said it’s myHumanDesign. I’ve heard about it but it’s been a long time since I’ve ran across it and so I had to reintroduce it when I came back to my space. It’s interesting, but I’m not sure how much I’m going to use it. But what I did find interesting was how it had mentioned that when she is eating they suggest she sits to eat with low sound… so not having much conversation and multitasking… they also suggested for her to not use utensils and to use her hands. We were pretty much the only ones in the dinner area at the time… so I suggested we do this together. So we ate in silence with our fingers. I love eating with my hands… and being in silence felt good as well. She had experience with eating with her hands when she was in Nepal. It took her about three weeks to get use to it.. but she now finds benefits with it. I forgot to mention she’s an Anthropologist… which is very fascinating! We’ve already mentioned that if we can find a space to share ceremony… we’d like to share together. It’s funny because I’m thinking… hmmm… is this going to be the first girl on the team for the spiritual expedition? That would be really awesome if that’s the case. I actually told her a little more details of why I’m wanting to go to Nepal. It was easy to again be vulnerable with her. By the time dinner was done… the wife asked all of the volunteers to perform the chanting and music for the Aarti.. I really enjoyed participating in this. This is what we do for Sunday service, but to be able to share this with the international volunteers in a more intimate setting really felt good. We were chuckling about them only being there for three days and they’re already in a band… hehe… the wife said she was pleasantly surprised and maybe we should do it for the next Sunday service because there are going to have many of the usual leaders who sing and play won’t be there this coming Sunday. So I think it’s a great idea. We did a lesson as well with the wife which was interesting. There is a closing prayer for Aarti which she says protects us and closes the ceremony. So she told us the background story about why they use this particular closing prayer. I don’t have any of the names down…. But there were things she said that seemed interesting. It actually lead to a Shiva yogic sect which she feels is quite scary. Of course I’ve seen pictures of this group and of course I’m curious what can be learned from them and I feel like there’s probably misunderstanding going on. But who knows… I’m sure I’m quite naive to the different sects found in India. After the story she went into the Bhagavad Gita only for a little bit because the yoga class was going to be starting soon. I’ve got the book and honestly I haven’t started reading it yet. I’m curious to see if and when I start. I think I’m interested in at least giving it a try to see how I feel when reading it. The section she was reading was about how to become a yogi. There was a good turn out for the yoga class. And I’m glad I participated because asana practice has been in my awareness and also how I’m resisting starting up the practice again. It feels so good when I participate though. They go a lot faster than I do when I practice on my own, but it still feels soooo good. There are things that I’m wanting to change and so I feel like I’m just giving myself grace to find the time to implement these changes. I think this will be good for tonight… until next time…

Alright… so this evening went really well. I was invited to a dinner by one of the people I met yesterday at the Temple’s dinner. He was a WWOOFer at the beginning of the year at the Krishna Temple and has been hopping around Utah and he’s heading to Arizona for a little while before heading back to California. He’s leaving on Wednesday and wanted to get to know me a bit better and sent an invite. I happened to take a nap earlier and when I received the invite I thought it would be a good idea. He first asked to do it tomorrow where we would have the entire day, but I had already told the girl volunteers that I would visit on Tuesday. So I said I”m available now and tonight if that works for him. And it was great. He’s staying with a semi-retired couple. He was helping them with some yard projects and found them through the network with the inter-faith group. When we were in the car ride I was able to get to know the husband of the couple who was hosting. His profession is product design. Inventors have concepts and pattens and they go to him to design prototypes and his partner builds the prototypes. So he’s a bit of an inventor in his own right. We talked a bit about how much there has been changes in his design concepts being more aware of the sustainability of the products being made. I was wondering if there was a standard when it comes to being more aware of how to dispose of the products being design. He said there is a standard that is being formed that has that included and when he began it wasn’t there. He mentioned that when he goes toward the production process there are countries who don’t have the best reputation of manufacturing practices that aren’t sustainable… do take standards of building so they still use these countries with specifications to follow. There’s a lot of work and he can feel himself wanting to wind down but his partner is still in full force… hehe.. but he’s still managing it. We spoke about his family and he shared how he met his wife on the disco floor dancing New York swing. I loved it! He had a lovely home with an amazing view of the city of Provo. They were up on the mountain and I enjoyed being in their home and grateful for them to allow me to spend time with my new found friend. While I was at the home I helped my friend cook our dinner. He’s leaving soon so we were using up the ingredients he had and he would have left overs until he left. He also is a shaman. We have the similar ideas of everyone is a shaman. There was a difference because I say we are shamans whether we are conscious of it or not. While he feels people have the potential to be a shaman. I understand where he’s coming from. His definition of shaman is where people who have developed in a manner to be able to consciously heal or assist people. And yes I agree this is an ideal definition. I was trying to explain that how we behave is already affecting everything around us at all times. So even if we aren’t conscious of it or not… we are influencing feeling and thoughts which is powerful. I was trying to explain but it’s easier when he’s talking and then I can use his reference of an example as an example to what I was trying to convey. I think he got the gist of what I was saying. He’s very interesting and is on the logical/scientific side of perception however he’s spiritual as well. I found it interesting how our conversation unfolded. He’s very excited about his findings and what he wants to create and I’m excited for him. He said his plant medicine for him is raw fruits and vegetables. He’s found studies where eating large proportions of specific fruits and vegetables can attach to the same receptors in the brain to create the same experiences. Of course I find this interesting but I also determined that it’s not the same experiences but still it’s working for him. I told him later in the conversation that at the beginning I was trying to figure out a way to let him know that it’s interesting how many people he studies and he finds interesting, but I came to this dinner to meet him. If I get the chance to meet these people he’s talking with that will be great, but I’ll wait until I meet them and I’m not really interested in reading what they have written. It sounds a bit bad… because it’s not that I don’t find what their ideas are, but honestly I’ll be able to get more of having direct conversations with people than interpreting their words. He’s very engaged with reading spiritual scriptures and he feels like he’s having a direct conversation while he’s reading. I told him this seems like a gift he has and to realize this is not the same experience that everyone has when it comes to reading. So I guess I have to give a bit of background. He is planning a gathering with inter-faith participants and focusing on the youth. He combines around seven traditional practices into his core base of how he has building his understanding. We already were discussing that I feel he’s so into the scriptures that there might be a possibility that the youth will not connect as much as he’d like because it would feel like they’re going to a week gathering where they are being lectured to. And if he has truly practiced meditation practices… then there’s a high probability for them to turn off their hearing because they’re not being actively engaged. Is there a way to get them to be engaged or find ways to correlate the scriptures into experiences for them to understand the different between theory and actually begin the understanding that they are reading about? I just want to say… it’s really hard for me to write down every detail that’s being discussed. We are in the flow and there’s a lot that is being discussed in language and beyond language… so if I am unable to convey what really went down is something I’m working on. This Journaling process is helping me remember and gets my juices going and also a purging process. So bare with me.. hehe He appreciated the suggestions that I had for him. He can see that I was trying to brainstorm with him different aspects that sometimes he was aware of and other ones he didn’t think about. I was trying to get him to think about the long term. He doesn’t have to get all the information out in one gathering. If he thinks about his as an introduction then he can relieve some of the pressure of creating something that’s so bogged down with information. I was trying to get him to focus on getting the youth to increase their curiosity. Try to focus on making a connection so they want to continue to return. He wants to create something that goes farther than what’s already been done… so don’t fall into doing the same thing that’s always been done.. hehe. It was funny because he thought at the beginning of our engagement was getting pretty deep and I chuckled and said that this isn’t deep, but we’ll get there… hehe… and that’s what ended up happening. Each setting seemed to go deeper and deeper. We started in the kitchen of prepping. We moved into the dining room and it went a bit deeper. And then we ended up in the living room which only had little twinkle lights and much more intimate where we were able to go deeper with our discussion. By the end I was really lighting up and he loved it. I found myself apologizing that I don’t start off this way because it can be intimidating and uncomfortable for some. I have to feel out my way with how we are engaging which determines how comfortable I get for allowing myself to be this way. I was warning him that this is a way to possibly approach people as well. He is really passionate and I love that but there are times that he just doesn’t allow people to give feedback or even if they’re interested in the topic. Of course I’m patient and I guess I’m not afraid to give feedback and fortunately for him I am interested. I found myself giving him his power. I really wanted to give him confidence but also letting him know to make mistakes and be ok with this. Mistakes are genius ways to learn. We had a great conversation but again I’m falling short of explanation but he was getting the idea that he’s idolizing people because yes they are assisting in his learning but ultimately he’ll be so connected to the Divine… that he won’t be as interested in reading other people’s journey… He’ll have so many direct experiences and he’ll be exploring himself so much that he’ll be more interested in learning his personal connection than he will be with the scriptures he’s fascinated with. They are tools to point us to the direction to find these truths for ourselves. And who knows… we may be able to reach deeper understanding than who we are reading. Open his mind to his own divine power within him. He was glowing as well at the end of our conversation. I feel like there might be a little romantic curiosities that he had towards me. He was asking me things and complimenting me with things that was leading in that direction. I did find myself in an awkward moment a few times… which shouldn’t have been awkward…. But I try so hard to not have these topics being brought up… hehe. And I feel like this is something I need to look at. I’m not sure why I feel so uncomfortable when people are attracted to me. I think it’s because I don’t want to have to explain to them where I am romantically. I just figured we can have such great conversations that romance doesn’t have to be involved with it… hehe. But it’s getting obvious that there’s something I need to work deeper when it comes to romantic feelings and attraction. I want to be attractive but I’m also afraid when people are attracted to me… hehe… and this has to be addressed. I have addressed it but I also know there’s much more room to explore. This is a good lead in to another friend I have who is from Sweden and is traveling to Peru at the time. I mentioned him before. But we’ve been having some great conversations and he’s been assertive trying to plan something together that we can travel or spend time together. And I know I’d enjoy myself so much to do this with him. I don’t know if I have said this before… I feel like I have but there isn’t a way for me to organize this Journal and go directly to the location of where I was writing this information. And I honestly am not going to go back and re-read everything to find it either… hehe. But anyway… when I was heading to his place to meet him I remember how excited my body was to meet him… I was in my ceremony mode and so I get some residual affects outside of ceremony as well. I didn’t know what it meant but I know there was a large amount of excitement which I didn’t know why because I had not met him yet. We spoke over messages but it wasn’t anything too in depth. But when I met him I really did enjoy my brief time with him. And he does communicate well so our conversations can actually get somewhere when we talk. Yes it’s time to time and not all the time… but our recent conversations are leading to actually trying to plan to meet up this year. So yeah… I’m excited to see him. Who knows if it will lead to anything romantic… but he is also someone I don’t believe I’ve told him about my Australian. Our relationship wasn’t built around ceremonies and so the topic didn’t show up. I’ve been trying to see what mindsets I have set in place and possibly where I can see if I can adjust… and this whole romantic thing is something I’m thinking I need to look at from a different angle. I’m not sure what that looks like… but I know this is something I want to address. I’m not exactly sure how to approach it differently than what I’ve tried before. I feel like I’ve been open but most of that was prior to these messages I’ve received in ceremony. But I also have memories of how I felt when trying or being a part of any of this style of engagement since ceremony as well. Where’s the balance of not falling into the same lesson to learn and how to find an approach to learn? Geesh… I know this is something I’m going to be working on, but honestly I don’t know where to start right now. Maybe because I’m not comfortable of expressing things that’s been going on in my mind. I want to roll it over more I think…. Hehe… Things have been let’s say different lately and I’ve been noticing myself responding to different situations and so … I’m curious to see how this part of my life is different as well. I’m so focused on the Australian that I’ve not been entertaining any learning in this in a direct experiential way. I’m afraid of the feeling I have of regret engaging in things in this manner. So why does it feel like I’m missing something? I’m not sure what I’m missing right now… but we’ll see how it plays out. Ok… I feel like I want to take a break from the Journal… I think this is good for tonight. I plan on visiting the girl volunteers tomorrow. I thought maybe I’d go and volunteer at the Temple, but I think I’m just going to go to visit them. There’s insights I’ve been gaining about the Temple environment but again I dont’ want to go into it right this moment. My cat is laying next to me and I just want to cuddle with him and get some rest. Alright have a good one until next time…

So… things have been interesting at the home life. I had an amazing time yesterday at the Temple dinner table again… meeting some amazing people. But I think I’m going to purge about the home right now before I go into the conversations. So… I knew that my roommates ex was coming for the holidays. She mentioned that her cat Snow will be arriving and she anticipates that Snow will not like having my cat here in the space. And she said that her ex is going to be bringing some of her storage stuff in a trailer. I heard this and I was open to see what this all entails. So Saturday night around midnight was when her ex arrived. Her six year old daughter was super excited… she hasn’t seen her dad for months and so she took a nap during the day while I was volunteering at the Temple and so she wanted to stay awake until he arrived. My roommate was trying to clean up her daughter’s room because that’s where her ex will most likely sleep. While she was cleaning she ended up twisting her ankle and so she’s been down and out for the last few days with all these changes going on. We heard a few days back that her ex had injured his back loading the trailer so they’re not in the best shape to doing any of the moving. So I assumed I’d be helping out. I waited up for her ex to arrive so I can allow him into the home and so I met him when he arrived. I was playing with the daughter and I know how extremely excited she was and how much she loves her dad because he loves to play with her. How the daughter describes is he always played with her and mom usually sleeps most of the time… hehe… it’s funny to hear how children describes their experience. But I was trying to joke around when he knocked on the door… giving the daughter a hard time but the ex did not find anything funny. He admitted that he is stressed out right now and so I didn’t stick around much I said my hellos and good nights to the daughter and went into my room to go to sleep. I slept in and when I went out I reintroduced myself to the ex while he was eating with his daughter. I offered helping him with bringing in the items. He appreciated the offer and the parking lot at the condo didn’t allow him to park the trailer here so he had taken it to Walmart so he was anticipating going back and forth with smaller loads. I was fine with this and it wasn’t as much as I thought. I mean there’s quite a bit of stuff… but it didn’t seem like I had to as much as I thought. But her ex and I had a good introduction. The topic rolls around to Spirituality and he’s more on the open side as a Mormon. He was talking about his twin’s brother turn around about ten to eleven years ago. He described it as his brother was dating a Russian ballerina and she had casted a spell on his brother. His brother was very depressed and upset in his life… he said it was worse than suicidal depression. He tried to get assistance with Western medicine and therapy and he wasn’t finding any solutions that worked for him. So he started focusing on meditation and spent many years in solitude in his room practicing meditation to help him recover from the state his twin found himself in. He also found a community in Arizona which gave him guidance on how to get out of this funk. They have strict practices and it really has changed his mindset. He said that he really knew how down his twin was and to see how big of a change he has been able to do was very inspiring for him. He wants to get better in meditation and mindfulness but he also is not patient enough to want to continue. He says there’s more immediate results that he finds through physical exercise and medications. He’s in the medical field as work position. I’m not sure exactly in what area but I can tell this is where his work lies. He was open to hear a little bit about my path a bit with plant medicine. But he seems to be similar to my roommate where they don’t allow a ton of space to reciprocate conversations. But I found it a bit easier to interject with comments with him than her. But again I did enjoy our conversation and he thanked me for my time and my offer. He had things he had to do and eventually he needed to take a nap as well. I had told him that I go to the service on Sundays…. So I can help now in the morning and early afternoon, but then I’ll be getting ready and unavailable until today, Monday. So I had time to play with the daughter before I had to get ready. I had to let her know that I’m going to get my bath ready for a soak… when I got the bath ready I apologized to the daughter, but her parents are going to be taking a nap and I’ll be in my tub… I asked if she’s ok with playing on her own. And she understood, but while I was in the tub I heard my roommate hobble out into the living room to watch her daughter. So this new cat Snow… she has been stressed traveling from Alabama in a vehicle and now that she’s here in a new location she smells my buddy everywhere she goes and she does not like this. I’ve tried to attempt to say my hellos to her but she smells Elvis and so she now knows I’m connected to the enemy.. this other cat in the space she’s in. They admitted she hasn’t been socialized to other animals. And I admitted that Elvis isn’t the best either. But he’s been doing fairly well. I haven’t seen him hissing just looking at wait.. is that another cat? So he’s been more on the curious side. Snow on the other has been hissing every time I see her and when she sees my buddy. I’m trying to keep Elvis in my room as much as possible. I think we’ll get an opportunity to get the cats together, but it hasn’t been time yet. We have boxes all over the place in the living room and out on the patio. In fact there was a gentleman from the church who came over this morning to help us bring in boxes and pails… I believe I understand this is mostly food storage in case hard times arrives they’ll have food rations. The gentleman was very helpful and I wish I could have more time to get to chat with him. But he helped and then took off. But as the boxes keep coming in.. he asked me if I’m going to help my roommate put these things up. I said I’m not sure… I didn’t really expect all this. And as I’m seeing what is now here… it continues to question if the best move for us is for me to possibly relocate so they have a room she can have to place her storage boxes…and also allow her cat to relax. So… it’s the 18th of December. Maybe I need to be a little more open to what kind of options I might have to find another home location. It’s been in my awareness but I haven’t been wanting to rush because I didn’t want to anticipate something that might not be the truth. So I’m still trying to see if I can not rush any decisions. So we’ll see how it goes. But maybe I need to really look at my belongings and see where I can reduce. Geesh… I might have to send stuff back to my pops? I don’t know possibly or maybe I can just get rid of things… I’m wanting to free up space and travel lighter. Let’’s see where I get later today. So I helped the ex last night about more boxes but we were having a great conversation. He was interested in how the temple dinner went and I told him about the students who are visiting at this time during the winter break. Most of them are international so they didn’t head back to their homes for the holidays. He was an RA when in undergrad and so he had experience getting to know international students and he enjoyed his time. He also mentioned some of the programs that he was involved in as well. He found a non-profit in California where they focused on the compassion side of end of life. He enjoyed learning from them but also mentioned they focused on more on Buddhist practices and was interested in learning more about their practices. He also mentioned he had been involved with homeless nonprofits. He knew how many of the programs he was involved with seemed like a bandaid and not making huge differences in developing them to want to be independent… in fact they were seemingly making them more dependent on the programs. So he’s interested in these areas but also found how much energy it takes to be involved in these programs. I tried to reciprocate in his line of conversation so I mentioned my experience with my grandparents during their time in hospice and my assistance but also the impact it had in my life. I also mentioned me friend who has chosen to go into homelessness and how our relationship has been within the last ten years. So I was trying to let him know that these areas have been introduced into my life and even though I was in a smaller intimate setting while he was involved with larger organizations… we found similarities. Again… it’s nice to get to know him a bit better. I know that he’s moving to Arizona and I’m wondering if he’s moving around his brother’s location. I haven’t found the time to ask but I think he’s getting rid of the trailer today so that will be a large responsibility off of his shoulders and so maybe he’ll be more open to have conversations without so much noise in the back of his mind. We’ll see how it goes. So yesterday at the Temple… my devotee friend who bakes homemade bread and cheeses came over to pick me up. We went to the temple and I was put to work right away to help feed the baby llama. After we were finished I was able to talk with him a bit more. So he has a history of working on his uncle’s farm when he was a child making goat cheese. He was explaining that cheese is essentially the same process but the addition of cultures creates the different variety of cheese. If cheese is not white then most likely people have added colored dye to get the different colors. He was laughing because he found people who look at white cheddar as a special cheese when in reality it’s the normal cheddar without color additives.. however people who make the cheese can profit more because the general public don’t understand what’s involved in making cheese. I didn’t know that either and I figured the orange cheeses where normal but I really never thought about milk not being orange… hehe… but we went into the mold process and how people really might prefer the stinky cheese is the aging process and allowing the mold to develop. I found it interesting that the sourdough bread used wild yeast pores which is just in the air. So he doesn’t have to purchase wild yeast. All he has to do is to combine flour and water and continue to do this each day… eventually the wild yeast in the air will find it’s way into the flour and water and it just does it without really trying. While I’m typing this out it seems like I might have heard this before… but maybe now I was able to give attention to the actual conversation. I find it interesting and wonder if this is the case regardless where we are in the world. Later in the night people were still lingering and speaking after dinner and I found he was standing in the corner watching… and so I asked him to come and meet the new volunteers… hehe… I know he’s a bit shy but he’s interesting and I mentioned to the two girls I was talking to one from Germany and the other from China. I told them he makes his own sourdough and cheese… they both loved it and asked if he would be willing to teach them. I said yessss… we should figure out how he can teach us this process because it would be fun and educational. He was shaking his head and said that yeah maybe he can set something up for next weekend. I wonder if I should ask him if we should start setting up things with the flour and water stuff during the week… so we’re ready to create the dough this weekend. I’m not sure how long the process is a few days… to a few weeks… I’m not sure but I would like to learn. Plus he has quite a bit of experience with cheese making so I’d like to see how this works. And how he orders the cultures. But we had a great conversation as he was taking me home. We gave each other a hug and I was mentioning how shy he was being with the new volunteers. He chuckled and said… he doesn’t normally talk with people. He’s not sure why but it’s easy for him to talk to me… but I seem to be getting him out of his shell.. but that’s not where he’s comfortable being… talking with people. I said he’s fun to talk to and so maybe he should allow more time to share with people because it’s going to be beneficial for all parties involved. So we’ll see how our relationship goes. So dinner time came around and I knew from last week that I want to sit at different tables and talk with different people who are joining the service. I saw an Eastern-Indian gentleman sitting alone and so I asked if I could sit with him. He said it’s fine. He’s been in the States for a year now and has a contract to stay another two years since he was approved for a three year working visa. As I sat down with him… the German girl asked to sit with us and of course I said yes. A young local who is training to be a guru sat with us. And finally the Chinese girl sat down as well. So I was trying to figure out where our conversation was going to go. I was asking questions to the Indian gentleman but it was apparent that he wasn’t too invested in getting into a conversation. He ate and apologized for wanting to leave and it was not a problem because when he left another gentleman sat down who is from California. He has been in Utah for a year and came to the Krishna temple for a few months at the first of last year. This is his last weekend in Utah and he’s traveling to Arizona for a few months before returning to California. He travels through WWOOFing and seems to be very interested in the farming practices. He’s been several locations in Utah for the year. He said this was the first time he lived outside of California. He’s traveled but hasn’t been traveling and living in this manner until this year. He seemed very interesting. He found an inter-faith communities here in Utah which helped give him leads to people who have farms and wanted his help as he continue his learning in farming and spirituality. We exchanged numbers and he has forwarded some apps and communities because I’d be curious to see if I’m drawn to explore these communities as well. I wasn’t sure how I felt when I arrived home and was getting myself ready for bed… it was like an hour after we exchanged numbers and I had gotten several messages from him… hehe… he’s very into researching and reading… so he sent me many resources. I did already talk about this during our conversation but I’m not sure he caught my drift… hehe… The Chinese girl is writing her Spiritual education master’s thesis and so I was asking if she was going to study the very basics of what’s effective to learning. I was bringing up the whole reading about our teachings to the differences of practicing the teachings…and which is more effective. So I was trying to say that reading is great but it’s not as effective unless we have application involved in the practices. So again… I’m not really interested in reading all the information he has sent me, but I do want to check a little bit out and see how it goes. I’m sure I might find sometime this week. I told him this… he enjoyed my presence so he asked me several questions and I answered them. But if felt a bit like an interview. I didn’t ask any questions in return, but to be fair it was late and I was tired. I wanted to write in the Journal last night but I had drawn a few tarot cards and found that I just wanted to rest afterwards. I might get there in a bit. But let’s get back to the conversations so I can remember the just of what was going on last night. The Chinese girl is not doing her paper on specific topics but she’s trying to doing the systematic approaches of specific religions. She doesn’t have everything planned out but it’s like four religions she will compare and contrast their systems. I was wondering if she’s been finding common patterns. She said she has but she didn’t really go into detail. I continued to try to get information she’s been finding but it seemed like it wasn’t coming out naturally so I stepped back from asking questions. I told her that I had been thinking about her because I find her topic fascinating. I feel like we’d be able to having a deeper dive when its a bit more intimate setting possibly more one on one. The German girl is a professor and she went in quite a bit of details about her paper on Saturday during lunch, but I saw more of how social she is and how she was picking up some of my lines of communication to steer conversations. She seemed like she was picking up on what I was doing which intrigued me. I really enjoy being around her as well. Our names our similar and people comment on that and how we could be sisters… and I said we are… hehe. Actually when I came to work with my tarot cards last night I even thought maybe I can pick up on her energy when I was working with the cards. I just got these cards so I’m seeing how we work together. I found out that it’s still introducing my energy and where I am instead of going into our shared energy with someone else. The German girl and I have similarities when it comes to our heritage being very mixed. Wherever she goes no body can quite pick out where she’s from. She’s able to blend in when she travels to new locations. She also said she teaches dance and has done a class in college and found that she might have the opportunity to create a platform. She was trying to see if I wanted to create a platform. She said she’s interested in what my next job would be and that she thinks I need to be more available for people. I chuckled because I’m already doing my work right now. I do very well in in-person situations. I can go with the flow and things just happen and I find I can be more impactful in this manner. I have no clue how to create a platform and it seems like it would be pretty time consuming and I’m not sure if I’m motivated to put in that time. And the thing is I’d much better give my focus when I’m present with people. She seemed she wanted to talk more about it. And I told her I’d most likely be coming a bit more through the week because I’m interested in talking to everyone more. I know they are only here for a few weeks so I’ll want to take advantage of this opportunity. It was surprising though that she mentioned this and the Chinese girl was agreeing with her. I told her I’d like to find a way to get monetary income while I’m remote. If I can find something like this would be helpful. I told her I’ve been finding it challenging to find any kind of job lately.. as if the universe is telling me that these are not the positions I’m aligned with anymore… that it’s pushing me to go in a new direction… but I’m not sure what that is… hehe… I mean I know in a way what I’d like to do but have no clue how I’d be getting any income from it. But I’m open to see what types of platforms she’s linked with and I can see what comes from it. The young man who was a local who is working to be a guru wasn’t too involved with the conversation. I have seen him around the Temple but I haven’t found having conversations with him. I tried to ask questions to get to know him a bit better but his response was very limited… so it wasn’t easy to find ways to lead from one conversation to the next… so I tried to show him how conversations can flow. I have no clue if he was understanding what was being played out in front of him… in fact it seemed like he was in his thoughts most of the time. It was his first time that he came to a Sunday service. He has the whole get up of what would be described as guru clothing. Hat and all… I’m not sure what they are called… but he’s trying to create an identity and thinks looking the part will give him a presence of gaining knowledge about something.. like spirituality… but I’m not sure if it’s genuine quite yet. I’ll give us time to figure out where we are and see if he’s willing to open up a bit more. And I’ll see if he’s curious for me to open up to him as well. There was a gentleman who I had seen last week who hosted a dinner with two other gentlemen and a daughter. I asked him if they enjoyed their dinner… and he said yes. Again another shy guy but I don’t mind… hehe… I said that I was looking for him to sit with during dinner, but I didn’t see him so I thought he left. So I said hopefully next week we can find time to chat. I’m sure he’s got some interesting ideas going on and I’d like to see what that is. I was speaking to my friend and he said that he works in an energy plant but he doesn’t know all the details. But we were talking a lot about different topics and said I should have a good conversation with him. I’m sure I will, but we’ll see. This is pretty good to remind me where our conversations started… and curious to see where it goes from here.. but I do feel like there is changes going on. I’m not sure what that means right now..but I think I’m getting messages for me too completely stop planning… I don’t know what’s coming up. And so I should be comfortable letting people know that I don’t know and that’s ok… I know it’s ok with me… but many will not be comfortable with me being ok with this… hehe… It’s hard to explain. I could go and type out all the information that I read with the tarot messages.. but that’s the thing.. they were messages for me. And I don’t think I’ll be able to express my insights I found in the words I was reading. I understand it and I don’t think I need to purge it to digest it… I’ve got the message and I’m interested to see how my relationship with these cards will go.. hehe. Ok.. this is good for now. I want to grab something to eat and maybe look at the cards again.. but also start looking at my belongings again and see what I can purge at this time. Ok sounds good. until next time…

Alright I did order some tarot cards…. They’re my first English sets so it’s a bit easier to not have to translate but they arrived today and I think I’ll start off with the messages. The first one I opened is the Spirit of the Animals and I got two cards to fall out. The Loon… Intuitive.. Listen to the song in your soul. Trust your intuition as you have a way of knowing. Emerge from the busy life and seek more solitude. Recognize that you are unique and that you are loved. The second card from the same deck is the Swan… Grace… You who glides across the waters of my souls bring me your wisdom and light. Help me transform into elegance and grace. Inspire me with dignity and the spirit of beauty. Normally each deck has a booklet that go into depth on each card. So let’s see a little of the Loon’s message LOON… Elegance, Singer, Communicator, Visionary, Dreamer, Loyalty, Family, Fidelity, Freedom’s Call, Spirit Messenger… The call of the Loon stirs our soul. Their sounds evoke reverence and imagination. Loons have a complex communication system that is highly evolved. Loons are powerful and intuitive. Knowing from within comes quickly to Loon people. Their flashes of insight and imagination are highly developed. Loons mate for life and teach the ideals of family and fidelity to those with this totem. Loons are excellent partners and parents. They often carry their offspring on their backs. Loons are also excellent communicators and they relate well with others… SWAN… Love, Beauty, Grace, Majestic, Self-worth, Mystery, Purity, Angels, Journey, Transformation, Intuition, Partnership, Fidelity, Integrity, Creativity… Swan is a creature with such grace it is regarded as one of the most beautiful of the animal kingdom. But Swan’s story does not start that way. They are the ultimate symbol for change as they morph from clumps cygnet to majestic swan. Swan reminds us that we too can transform from awkward youth to mature beauty and grace. When Swan glides across still waters of your dreams, it is bring you gifts of harmony, intuition, faith, and wisdom. Swans connect us to the realm of angels… So this is interesting because I have read the other cards that I drew when I was opening the decks. i had not read from the booklet for these cards. When I was reading these cards, I was also messaging some friends. There was one in particular who I’ve known for about four years. He’s from Sweden and we met in Peru… he was living there at the time and was running his own hotel which also hosted couchsurfers. He was also one of the Couchsurfer group leaders type of thing… in the city he was the one who organized the larger gathering for couchsurfers… that’s how we met. We didn’t get a whole lot of time together actually, but we had great conversation and again we talk from time to time. I really appreciate his communication. He actually reciprocates equally with messaging. I don’t feel weird by writing a lot because he writes back a lot as well. When I reach out to my Australian mate… this is not the case. I know this to be true, but somehow I’m seeing if this might change one day. He writes these short sentences and asks a question. I’m unable to just write a word or a line to answer. I ask him a question and there it is again… brief. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it is what it is. So yeah… reading other messages I was thinking about this situation I find myself in and yes I guess I keep wondering how am I going to continue to keep this up without and feedback from my Aussie? Usually by this time I’d be back in the jungle and then it’s easy for me to remember why I wait… he’s there very present and my feelings are very present and aware and I’m reminded. So it’s’ funny that both of these cards as we go deeper have fidelity in them. For six years I’ve been faithful to a man who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings openly. When we met, yes… but since then platonic friendship. Again Aya is not a straightforward process but sometimes it’s just an instant download and understanding which doesn’t leave much room for interpretation. Again this is the most challenging of messages I’ve received to date. And I continue to feel there might be ways to interpret these messages differently… but even though I want to try to write these out… I know in my heart that my truth is my truth and regardless of the outcome… I am devoted to this regardless of how much I battle this. It’s so much easier the longer it goes actually… I’ve accepted this as my fate… but why do I still have these wandering thoughts of possibly allowing myself to connect with people who are wanting to connect with me? You know what I mean by connect… they want to have a romantic relationship. I guess I can go more into the other cards I drew because I thought some of them are pointing to a fear I have and I guess it’s time for me to explore it a bit more? I’m not sure… ok what’s the next deck? I went to the Rumí deck and one card fell out… the Star Mother Arrakis… Be the king who has made his own kingdom Be the moon who has made her own summit How much longer will you coo coo like a pigeon? Empty your head of all mortal lusts, and become life without breath. You will not call out for God anymore, for you have become immersed in God - Rumí Your star mother, Arrakis, dances with your soul in the celestial inner planes. She dances in the embrace of Father Sky, shining white and pale, deep in devotion to the light that is behind all that is. Arrakis, Dancing Star of the Heavens, incites our souls to feel the rhythm of life and surrender to it in flow, in grace, stumbling and in play. Like a child we think not of the “right steps” but just moves with music and with joy. She reminds you to dance freely and from your heart. She reminds you that your soul is constantly dancing with the Divine. What better way to connect with the joy and beauty of your soul than to mimic its movements? So dance, beloved. Let your being dance. Oh Arrakis! Your bright beauty penetrates even the darkest of minds to remember, remember, remember… No matter how dark life on earth may seem at times, when we remember our holy heritage we can also realize, “Ah yes, I am blessed, held as one with the mother who shall not be deterred from great holy purpose. I shall prevail! I forgot that and feared, but now I remember and am determined once more.” Then you shall feel joy and be inclined to dance, to sing, to make your art, and to live fearlessly once again… I honor my soul’s need for art and for expression, and for creativity now, from a pure and loving place within me. So be it! Oh my goodness… I’m really getting tired right now… well it’s been building but I stayed up with the six year old roommate to wait for her dad to arrive tonight. I did a full day at the temple and met some new volunteers from Germany, Korea, and China. I’m excited to see where these conversations go. I wanted to write about this but I cannot continue to keep my eyes open. So hopefully I’ll get time tomorrow before I go to the temple for service.. I’d like to se if I can hangout with the volunteers right now. I’m looking forward to seeing where our conversations go. They’re here for the holidays, so maybe I won’t be spending my holidays alone maybe? We’ll see… alright until next time then…

Alright I’m pretty tired but I wanted to write before I head to bed. Today was really fun. I met up with the three siblings for a visit. I went to a botany pond on the BYU campus where there were some adorable ducks everywhere. It was nice to see that the traffic with the cars driving by and the students walking by… the ducks didn’t seem to mind. In fact it looked like I might have had them on edge a bit because I was noticing them… hehe.. they were pretty funny to watch. But I was there to wait for them to pick me up. We went to a Pho restaurant and we all just sat there and spoke the entire time. I got some more details about the Mormon culture and what they have learned from it thus far. The oldest sister of the three is the one who is attending school at this time and she has been on one mission to California. It was interesting to hear her take on her experience. She found that there were some aspects that didn’t resonate with her… it felt like there were some practices that seemed like they were supposed to be a bit pushy. I had mentioned that I noticed that some people I find that I want to teach has walls up… and I think I’m clever enough to go around those walls… but finally I started to notice that it was wearing me down and I stopped taking care of myself because I wanted to be the one who could help break those walls down. I’ve mentioned this before, but anyway I was mentioning it to them to see if they found that to be true as well. And they said they noticed that as well. The brother had his mission in Montana and again he had some differences in his mission. But it was interesting to hear what they had to say. The third sister is only 19 and she’s at the age where its normal for them to participate in their first mission… but she’s not sure she’s ready to do this yet and so I wanted to hear why she thinks this way. She said that it felt like she was doing what everyone wants her to do and she’s taking a year off to figure out what she wants to do with her own life. I feel that’s a great position to be. Actually the way they spoke I felt like they have a mature outlook and actually quite open to learning in different ways. They enjoyed what I was sharing as well. They started to ask me about my religion or my approach and I found myself hesitating. I feel like they are young and not much experience. They mentioned that they noticed how much of a bubble they were living in and so I wasn’t sure how they would react to my background. So I was admitting my hesitance because I don’t want to affect the rapport we are already building. But they were open and we were having a really advanced conversation into Spirital concepts. So I said I found myself working with indigenous in their spiritual practices. They are called shamans and they’ve introduced me to a spiritual tool that has really made a difference in my life. I admitted that I was beating around the bush because most religions are generally accepted by society because they are traditions that are common practice in our area, but the practices I participate would actually be considered illegal here and so this tool would be labeled as a psychedelic drug here, but for me it’s a direct way to communicate with God. And I get to receive messages first hand to help guide me to make changes in myself and also inspires me to explore areas I wouldn’t think to do before getting introduced to this tool. They didn’t seem to know what I was talking about but it didn’t stop them to explore their feeling about what I was trying to tell them. It was refreshing to hear their openness to my approach and perspective. I admitted through my spiritual practice I have found this biggest change is first by being judgemental about this Reality saying things similar to what is common to hear.. this world is falling apart and needs to change. Now change is inevitable but my practice has shown how what this Reality is is the perfection of God in real time. They asked me what my definition of God is… which is a great questions because they understood that this is depends on each individual. First of all I said that this is something that is ineffable. But since our tool is language.. I can try to give a definition but it will fall short of the truth of how I experience God. The word God falls short as well. I also tried to explain that my understanding is not a final definition of God because the more I deepen my understanding I’m ok to have a flexible idea of understanding. As I mature the understanding will mature with me. But I said simply there is nothing that I see or hear or think that is not God. Existence is God. The sister who asked me said something quite appropriate… she said she would love to get that same understanding through her spiritual practices. I really really enjoyed my conversations with these young bright siblings. And I was really pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed visiting their temple as well. I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t really think about it because I just wanted to wait to see what was there. It was very large… it had three stories which all had high ceilings. It really did make everything much grander. The first area that really grabbed my attention was the bath area where they would perform the baptisms. I knew it was something they did, but to see how important it is in their religion was obvious and quite beautiful. Many of the temples will have common symbolism and yet the motifs around the temple will be locally decorated. So there were many paintings with the mountains that surround this area. But the tub area.. I apologize I didn’t get the correct term of what this is called but it will be common that there will be twelve oxen that creates the foundation symbolizing the 12 disciples of Christ. They are the foundation that is the strengthens their faith. I’m not sure if I got all the details correct but to do a baptism in a temple is for their ancestors that are deceased. If they are baptizing themselves in this body they perform their baptism at their church. It was really beautiful and grand and much of a focal point. I really liked it. And then they showed me the educational rooms where when they advance in their teachings.. similar to after their missions they get deeper into the teachings… they have rooms to learn more… and then they have a room the Celestial room which is a beautiful room where they go and sit to contemplate over the lessons they are learning. We sat in this room for awhile and it was very pleasant. It was surprising to me because there were people in and out and moving around… but sitting there I tended to draw my attention upwards to the paintings on the ceiling and the large chandeliers… It was still quite peaceful and very content with what was going on. They moved next to the space where they perform the wedding ceremonies. It felt like a very sacred and intimate space which I appreciate as well. The altar was lower to the ground because through the vows the couple will be kneeling on either side of the altar and on top there are cushions too so they can hold and embrace each others hands as they exchange vows. Another common feature in the wedding areas are two large mirrors on the wall that’s lined up with the altar to symbolize the concept of eternity. The marriage is eternal and they can see themselves in the mirror reflecting back at one another. It was very sweet to imagine this setting for a wedding. I forgot to mention we did go into a chapel area where it’s mostly another space to come and communicate personally whenever a member would like to do and participate. Many will be in this space before a ceremony such as a baptism or wedding. The celestial room would be where to go after lessons… so it was really cool to see everything, but especially grateful to have these sibling who were there to explain things to me. I never knew the general public would be able to get this opportunity. But I love sacred spaces and I was curious to see how they approached it. And I actually enjoyed it. Again I’d say it’s a bit much on the decoration side, but I also understand it. And I’d have to admit that I might first feel like I’d want to make it as ornate as possible because of how impactful spirituality is for me but I also know it’s unnecessary as well. I mean I tend to go in the middle of the jungle in a large shelter where the noise of the jungle connects me deeply in communion with Infinite Intelligence… so I don’t need much fanciness to connect deeply, but I also have a feeling I’m going to start building onto this area which will deal with water… so it’s interesting the concept of baptism…. Again I just didn’t think about seeing a tub but again it makes sense now. But tubs are important in my design for ceremony as well for purification preparation. I’m not really into going into detail with everything… I”m tired but I wanted to mention things so it can help trigger my memory. This morning my friend from the Krishna temple came and dropped of the sourdough bread and the mozzarella. He made both my hand and learned to create his own cultures.. he does this for friends he feels would appreciate it. I thought it was quite delicious. He hasn’t started working with herbs which will be interesting.. but I also said it would be safe to have a clean palate and allow his friends to season it to their liking. I asked if he thought about offering this as a service at the temple. He hadn’t thought about doing it. And it might be best to just do it for the people he thinks to share it with… I’m just grateful he thought of me. We got to chat about a half an hour before he had to go to work… but I’m hoping to have more time with this sweet man. When I got back this evening from my adventure into the Mormon culture… I ate supper and when I went to go eat my messages started buzzing all at once. I responded to the radio man in Indiana, I responded to a buddy who is Swedish but met in Peru and he’s returning to Peru again… I’m really looking forward to spending time with him again… one day… but I also responded to the Australian man who I briefly commented on one of his stories he shared… I rarely responde to him but last night I was leaving the journal space and I was responding to the Thailand friend he posted and I watched his stories and I was laughing so hard… I couldn’t help myself but to comment. But it’s pretty usual with minimal communication. I sometimes reach out to see if the doors are open and the walls are down to get into deeper conversations. I don’t know really.. we’ve got different schedules but we’ll see how it goes. He posted a few things so I commented on one. He responded and so I commented on another which happened to be the teasers for Dune. I thought it meant that the next series is about to start. So the first thing I thought was to get a hold of my dad and see how we can watch the series together. That series plus the wheel of time were series we were bonding over because I’ve actually read these and so we can give feedback to one another on what we like about the similarity and differences… so I thought this would be a good way to continue our bond. I don’t usually watch television so I didn’t know if it was starting again… but my dad said it won’t start until March. But anyway… it gave me an excuse to comment to him. So what happened last night with the Thailand friend? Well… it didn’t take me long to pretty much tell myself what’s really going on and what I truly want. I happened to be listening to a tarot reading which was quite on point to things that I was thinking about the relationship that seems to be forming between the Thailand friend and myself. So I decided to address things. Not in a crude way, but in a subtle but direct way. Last night I had responded to his “X”. I said “😅 hello there… Are you talking code to me now?” He hearted my response. I fell asleep and in the morning I saw his message, “Thank you friend… enjoy your time..” I responded back saying, “ Well sir… I’d like to be your friend but you seem to keep a ring of protection around yourself. I’m really big into communication and I guess I’ll just wait until you want to move from acquaintance to friendship. I hope you enjoy your time as well (his name)” Just a few minutes ago he has chuckled at my comment. He responded, “ 😂 Thanks friend”.. and honestly I’m not interested in playing communication games with him. My Sweden friend and also my radio Indiana friend has been so refreshing lately… they really express themselves and ask questions in return. It’s like they actually want to get to know me and want themselves to be known too. I’d much rather spend my time engaging with friends who like to reciprocate the engagement. Is there anything else to mention? Hmmm… I don’ think so nothing is standing out to me. I’m tired and I think I’ll just relax and head to bed soon. Ok this is good for tonight. Until next time…

So… I’m in a great mood… I just got off a video chat with one of the original twelve. If you’re just tuning in this is my first crew of Aya familia… but anyway I love this man… and he’s been in a funk for about three years now… but I can see he’s on the verge of getting out of it and that excites me! Now granted he doesn’t look at it the same way I do, but his motivation to do something about it is there and he’s making plans to go to what he says is his last Aya attempt… he wants to go for a month and see what happens… he’s been getting dreams about it and it might be the last because he feels like he’s ready for the “death” experience… even though I’m trying to explain existence exists, but we didn’t really get into that much. Now we have intense moments.. so that did happen… I was trying to help him purge his baggage he’s been holding on to for four years now… but I hope he noticed that he was still resisting letting go and that he’s actively keeping this pain and misery… he says he knows he cannot let go but has been trying everything to let it go and nothing’s working… and I know it is working but not as quickly as he’s like, but he’s in the process of purging his shit out. I didn’t get his permission so I won’t go into details, but yes… I’m happy for him. I’m excited for him. He asked me where he should go for his last Aya.. and I said well if it’s your last then you’ll have to be with me… hehe… of course I’m going to say that. But I know he’s being serious and I guess he doesn’t think I’m being serious, but anyway I gave him a suggestion but he mentioned a location that has hummingbird in the name. And I originally thought it was something he wanted to create. Anytime I hear the word hummingbird, I think of him. That’s the animal I was turning into when I was helping him in ceremony… so i said if he’s drawn to go to that location… then just do it! He also mentioned one of our buddies who has a retreat in the jungle… and I was trying to encourage him to reach out to him… I think our buddy is visiting family here in the States so maybe they can meet up… or when he goes back to Peru he can link back up with him there. He loves the jungle life and so I was also telling him what’s really stopping him from staying there awhile? Why does he have to plan a month there and return? Why not just see where he wants to go while he’s there? I’m hoping to plant seeds in him. For some reason his creativity is stifled… he thinks right now he can either stay in his hell living with his parents or “death”… He’s only been in his parent’s home for three years and before then he was living places and doing things.. but for some reason he cannot see moving out of their home as an option that might make him feel better. He talks about loving living in the jungle… so I asked why not go a live there for awhile? He’ll be able to afford down there for a few months at least to reset him and readjust his non-creative mind… which isn’t true… he’s intelligent, funny, charismatic, caring… he’s just blocked and needs some good purging and to get out of his one-track mindset to start to explore his options. He’s got so much more options than what he can think right now.. but anywho… he’s making moves and I hope to encourage him to continue doing this. I don’t think I’ll have to do much because he seemed pretty dead set and he knows he’s done it before so he can do it again… and he’s different now.. so he can do it differently. I just hope he stops resisting… I hope he can really surrender to Aya… it will make a world of difference! I’m also excited because the three siblings that I met at the Temple during dinner are going to meet tomorrow. I happened to look online about the public accessing the Mormon Temple before dedication and it’s over by Saturday. AND… they want people to make reservations… so tomorrow is the only time available. At first the girl I had her number thought she wasn’t going to be able to go because she has class until noon, but there was a slot for 1:25 so she booked that for all of us to go. I told her I can meet her after class and grab some lunch if she’d like. I even mentioned the genealogy library that’s supposed to be on campus somewhere.. I’m not sure if it’s her campus or not, but I would find that interesting. But anyway… I’m happy to visit with them and get the opportunity to explore a sacred space tomorrow! Now meeting up with them before is not yet determined, but hopefully they’ll want to hang out afterwards to get to know each other better. I also have spoken to one of the devotees of the Krishna Temple yesterday…. I have to admit that when I saw his message I thought it was another person…lol… he was saying things that didn’t make sense to me… hehe… until I realized who I was actually talking to lol. Anyway he’s super sweet. I guess he makes homemade Sourdough bread and he’s going to drop some off for me in the morning with some mozzarella cheese for me to snack on. I’m learning how to receive and I think that it will be wonderful and so thoughtful. We were talking about things and I asked him where he works. He works only about a mile away from me at his cousin’s wood shop where they make cabinetry. Well of course I’m like… if you need any extra help, let me know… It’d be great to get back into a wood shop! Since he is connected to the Temple I also mentioned that I could work there a few days a week and that will allow me to possibly work at the Temple the other half of the week. He asked his boss and at first they said they weren’t busy enough to bring anyone on… but they asked how much I was looking to make. I told them that the Temple was willing to pay me $15/hour as a non-for-profit organization… I’d like to start there… and normally I let my work ethic dictate whether that price should be adjusted or not. So the boss is thinking that maybe he could use my help for a few days a week until they get busy. I said I’m flexible, if that works for them that would be great! I don’t know how the setup is, but I’m sure I can be useful. My friend said that he feels that I’ll be useful in many ways… I smiley faced back at him… but maybe he might actually get an idea of the potential of having me as a team member may bring. We’ll see… I don’t think I’ll be starting this week… but I’d be open to that. The jobs have not been going so well for me. I still haven’t heard back from the temporary agency. I keep listening to the darn tarot readings and I actually pulled a few cards of my own… and my messages continue to tell me to enjoy my time with the mundane. Magic is finding joy in the mundane. I feel like I’ve been expecting to use my masculine energy to find jobs here… and another reader was making me laugh because they were like… you have to embrace your feminine side right now. And this doesn’t mean.. this or that… which is exactly what I’m doing… she was pretty much saying we know you want to make things happen… but just relax and let things come to you… so I’m trying my best not to reach out and email the agency and ask… um I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do… am I suppose to be contacting you right now about the interview? Or am I supposed to just wait for you to contact me? They’re supposed to be my employer right now… but they haven’t communicated anything since I left the office on Friday. Last I knew they were hoping to call me that afternoon… I know it hasn’t been that many days, but dude… I’d think they would communicate SOMETHING.. but I didn’t send any messages out. I’m trying to embrace my femininity right now. I thought taking a year in Indiana was long enough to be patient… but I guess that’s not how things are going to go. There was some interesting tid bits I was getting when I was speaking with the siblings at dinner. He was working something to do with movie business? And he travels from state to state? I wouldn’t mind finding out exactly what he was talking about. And I guess he works for his brother. So… yeah… maybe I can use this as a networking opportunity as well. I’d be really interested in meeting their parents too for some reason…. To have nine children… I think the range was from 19 to 38… They had such good energy so I’m sure I’d enjoy meeting their family as well. I just got a message from the one girl sibling who exchanged numbers with me. She doesn’t think we’ll have time to go to the genealogy library before the time slot if we are eating lunch, but there’s a cool art museum as well on campus. So we’ll have to find another time to go to campus so she can show me around. Which I think is a great idea! I don’t think I mentioned anything about art when I was speaking to them… that’s right up my alley! I haven’t written in here for a few days. I remember yesterday I was restless and thinking about enjoying the mundane. Which again for a year was no problem, but now that I’m out and about it’s like I want to go, go, go.. and I know when I get in this mode I forget about my energy levels… hehe… so I’m not sure why I felt so restless, but shortly after noticing this I started to have a conversation with the radio man from Indiana. We were having a great conversation and we were messaging a lot. So finally I asked if he’d like to talk face to face? I didn’t know how he would respond, but he said he’d feel like he’d need to take a shower and shave before he did that. I said that wouldn’t be a problem. I have things I can do and I was planning on having a soak in the tub but I’m sure he won’t take as long as I will when I soak. He asked if I was ok with talking with him real time but not using the video. I thought he was asking to do voice recording back and forth at first since that’s what he likes to send me. But then I said can we just call each other over the phone… like normal? He asked if we could use Messenger and I said yes that would be fine with me. I’d have to say it was a bit unusual when we began. He was definitely not prepared for me to ask to talk to him over the phone at real-time speed and he seemed like he wasn’t prepared and maybe a little flustered. Not that he was angry or anything like that… but it seemed like spontaneous isn’t his norm. He was almost starting it off in a very professional manner. Granted we were talking about some deep stuff before we moved to voice… so he wanted to know why I wanted to talk to him instead of messaging. I said.. well it seems like we’ve got a lot to share with one another. I thought it would be easier to just speak. He asked me if there was anything in particular I’d like to talk with him about. I said well.. I’ll leave that up to him. We can continue the deep stuff… or we can talk quite casually as well. I’d just like to get to know him a bit better. Leaving it up to him… I think I put pressure on him… which still makes me chuckle. So our approach began with using a timer. This is definitely a first for me… hehe.. he started the timer at ten minutes and then we’d do a check in to see where we were at. So when the ten minutes were up we were both enjoying our conversation… so he set the times for fifteen minutes next. Again… we were in the flow of things that I went over the fifteen minute mark… lol… and he stopped using it after that and we spoke and shared for two and a half hours. He enjoyed our conversation and liked that we were going back and forth. I have to say I took majority of the time at first… but we felt a transition period together… and then he took the lead after. It was great! He said he wished he had our conversation recorded so he could go back and digest what really was being said. He said that our conversation was much more rewarding and he was getting so much more out of it then just reading and listening to stuff online. I chuckled and said… well… we’re moving out of theory mode and being in the moment. I’m sitting here writing and I’m wondering if I should be discussing what we were saying. Again I haven’t gotten his permission. I told him that he’s been mentioned and he said he went to where he thought he would be and read the whole day. So I know he knows it’s a possibility for him to be discussed. But I also told him he would stay anonymous… which should help. But I guess I won’t go into too much detail. I think I’ll just mention that we kind of started out by seeing if we’re on the same page about theory and experience. To make a long story short…. He has had an interesting way he’s been introduced to entheogens and has minimal experience with it… but he’s been doing a lot of research and he feels a bit frustrated that entheogens have been used by scholars and visionaries all this time… yet we were taught to just say no. He’s on the verge of preparing himself to see what experience will be like compared to him theorizing over other people’s experiences. He is preparing himself for the unexpecting encounter of the Divine presence. But his Higher self found a way to get him more conscious in his preparations now… hehe. He also admits his tendencies to not want to go all the way… hehe… he took a couple grams of psilocybin and when it started to hit he said… f* this I’m going to bed… and we both laughed about it! So… I believe he’s more aware of my encouragement to get himself to a point to surrender when engaging with entheogens. If no, I don’t really see the point… wait until you are ready! But I also spoke about encountering people at the other side of the pendulum who are a bit on the recklessly seeking the experience… which isn’t healthy as well… there’s a balance and respect that can be had when engaging. He’s bummed out because I’m no longer in Indiana… but I told him when it’s time… it will be happening… so no need to rush. He has some great questions… and I really enjoy getting to know how his intelligence works. We might be recording our next session together. Which should be fun… he asked if it would affect me. I said I don’t think it will, but I won’t know until we’re actually doing it… hehe. So I’m looking forward to more conversations with him. I had attempted to get ahold of my buddy in Thailand too. The last time we messaged I asked him if his spirit guides have given him permission to chat with me yet… a bit of a joke, but also wondering if he’s ready to chat yet. He put the thumbs up to me. So I waited a while and said… what did I say? Wait a second… let me grab my phone. Ok it was yesterday and that last I wrote was on the 4th. I said, “Hello there! Is today a good day to chat? It’s about 8:30pm here. I’ll be up for a few more hours. It’d be good to have a real time conversation? Yeah? 😅😊”. He responded with a “heart” and then wrote, “You going back to South America” I replied, “I will eventually… I’ve still got things to learn there. How about yourself? About fifteen minutes later I said, “I mean there could be potential to have a good conversation together 😜 I feel we could enjoy a bit more of an engaged communication instead of texting… Whenever you’re able 😊. He didn’t respond right away and I ended up falling asleep. In the morning he replied with, “ohh you asking me on a date”… I left the 😂 to his message. And I said, “(His name)… I’m so darn curious about you and your ceremonies. I know you’re Mysterio but give a girl a break, huh”… and there it is. I think we are going to be amazing friends. We clicked when we were in Peru for the few weeks I was in the hostile with him. And we’re both odd in our own ways… and I think we’d have great conversations together, but I also think we’re creating a fantasy about one another as well. That’s really why I want to talk with him. Get a real picture of what and where we are in our lives right now. I’m not sure if it’s comprehending to him what I do and who I am… I would love to have him in my life, but I’d like to make sure he’s finding and following his bliss. Yes he’s traveling around enjoying exotic locations… but I want to hear what his driving force behind this is. He’s not going to open up right away… I’m sure.. but I’d like to know more about his Spiritual pursuits.. and I’m not sure he’ll expose himself that deeply right now. But I’m wanting to see how much we can be frank with one another. I’m also curious to see how I respond to him myself. I have an idea, but when reality hits.. I just don’t know how things will play out. The thing is… I don’t want our relationship be based on attraction. Not the attraction of physicality… but the attraction of our personality and our visions and curiosities… and spirituality. He has the ability and capability to create and build… will he let me know what that is? Does he understand how deep I’d like to go with him? That even though he’s attractive… I’m not wanting that kind of relationship with him like that? I mean honestly I wouldn’t mind exploring a conversation like that with him… that’s why I’m curious as to what I’m really going to say. I feel we could do well in that space of conversation… and I feel we’d be able to speak openly about things… but… is the time now? Or near I mean… obviously it’s not now.. hehe. Anywho… I won’t know until it happens and if it happens… so I’ll let it rest for now. I was wondering what else I was going to write about. lol… I don’t know if anyone really wants to hear this but I realized what other items I purchased for me “self-care”. I started my menstrual cycle… my moon cycle.. and I remembered that I order a menstrual cups kit. It was over last month by the time it arrived so this month is the first time using it. Well… I think it will be good… it’s going to be an adjustment. I didn’t have as many accidents with my cycle getting all over the place like my clothes, bed, or furniture I sit on. And I had to switch them only twice during the day. So yeah I got two cups. I’d replace it in the morning when I got up and at night during bed-ish time. It came with a sterilizing cup and cap to place in the microwave, disinfecting wipes and gel… along with lube and a few storage bags. I used the lube on the cup for the first time and I wasn’t thinking about it and placed it everywhere thinking I’ll need to do that since… um nothing has been up there for awhile now… hehe… but it was hard to keep a hold of the cup while it’s folded in half so it kept trying to fly out of my hand. So I learned if I use the lube I just need to focus it on the rim and just under the rim. The bottom have does not have lube so there’s a decent size area for me to hold onto while I insert it. And it’s different than a tampon because I don’t really have to go up in there with a tampon at least I hadn’t noticed having to do that, but with this… maybe because it’s new… I do have to go up in there. I wasn’t uncomfortable to wear which is normal with a tampon. With a pad.. it’s definitely noticeable… well I use the big overnight ones normally. But when it’s time to take it out… it’s kind of messy. I have to go up in there to find the little tab to pull it out. I noticed if I’m leaning over to get it… that it wants to continue to go up and it’s more challenging. So I have to sit straight up and reach so it’s closer to the base and easier to pull out. And I’m not sure how to do this quite yet… because as I’m pulling it out the cup is expanding and so it’s hitting my sensitive area and I’m not sure I like it… hehe… It was a surprise the first time it happened… I was like oh hey there… ok that’s been dormant for awhile… hehe but… well.. look who it is… the Thailand buddy has responded with a laughing emoji… I sent one back in response. Maybe this is a good time to finish up… so I can focus… hehe.. Geesh! He responds with an “X”… what does that mean? XOXO type of thing? I don’t know these things… oh my goodness… well.. wish me luck you all… I’ll need it! Until next time…

I went to the temple again for my second service. I knew I wasn’t really getting into the service so I wanted to bring a little drum and contribute in this manner to see if I got into it a bit more. I did enjoy having my drum with me… but yeah there’s something that’s not connecting me in the service. There’s just something missing somehow. There doesn’t seem to be many regulars and most of the people there are visitors. Why is this the case? And why isn’t anyone talking about it? And why are the devotees not attending the service? Hehe… I don’t need these questions to be answered but it does make me wonder what’s going on here. I mean honestly I feel like I know what’s going on, but also I feel like I might be jumping to conclusions without giving it much time to observe more. But my initial thought is there’s a disconnect between the leaders, the husband and wife, to the community. I wonder if subconsciously people know they are resonating with them because they feel the lack of heart being embodied within them. It’s harsh to say because its obvious that they have heart, but their actions can definitely be misinterpreted… or it’s not being misinterpreted and it’s just rubbing people the wrong way? I’m not sure but I’m loving the dinner conversations. I feel like this is where I’m getting the most value out of the service. And it’s the conversations and the diversity of people being drawn to be curious to check it out. Tonight I ended up at a table where there were two sisters and a brother who were Mormon and one of the sisters was taking a wold class of some sort… where they want the students to go and explore other religions. The girl taking the class said that she’s now recognized that she was living in a bubble and this class has burst the bubble a bit and really appreciated this assignment. This was the first time for the sisters and the second time for the brother. It was quite funny because I briefly spoke to the girls in line getting our food.. suggesting that they give the butternut squash soup a try. I had it yesterday and it had a great flavor and a bit of spice to it. (This was a different batch and wasn’t quite the same… hehe… but everyone still enjoyed it). But I was going to sit with these two who I overheard coming down the steps talking about plant medicine. But when I used the restroom and grabbed my food the table was pretty much full and I thought.. why don’t I sit with these two girls instead. They didn’t mind. A father and his three year old daughter sat down too. And then a young man sat down as well which happened to be the brother of the sisters. So once he sat down… he and I couldn’t stop talking. He had some great questions and I was enjoying the conversation. It was mostly about traveling. I find that I like to be a solo traveler while he likes to travel in groups. I didn’t mention this to him… this is my after thought… I feel like there would be people to travel with that I’d enjoy, but it’s been far and few that I’ve found. This reminds me of the conversation I was having with the lady was it last night? The one who used to live here in Utah but is in Florida now. She said she wants me to hire her… and she wants to travel with me. I remember when she was saying this… a little bit of my soul was like… no, I do not want to travel with this one.. hehe… and then another part is like… you don’t know her.. maybe she’d be interesting to travel with. She was saying she’s been traveling all her life.. And again.. based on our conversation and my observations… I’d have to say I haven’t made any definite decisions, but I’ll need to have at least one actual engagement with her energy in person to see how we respond to each other. I feel like she’s going to be way too needy for me… hehe… I could feel her pulling my attention and my energy because she needed or wanted my confirmation for her actions and I continued to try to give her her empowerment and asked what she thought about her actions. She knows where she is right now.. I’m just trying to piece together her puzzle and scraps she’s giving me…and listening to my own response to her. But it’s not her that I wanted to think about… but traveling with people. I know I’ve been thinking about it… especially when it comes to Elvis. I had thought about hiring my dad to come and hang out with Elvis if I had to go explore for a week or so and it’s easier without the cat. But I also know that my dad probably wouldn’t be ideal for Elvis since he tolerates Elvis, he doesn’t really trust him… and I’d love to find someone who actually loves my little buddy. I thought about my girlfriend in my hometown. She’s on disability and I’d love to travel with her and get her out into the world a bit more… but I would have to at least bring one of her dogs if not two. She wouldn’t be able to travel with two but I’m not sure I’d get her to leave the other behind with her daughter. It’s her daughters dog but she’s the one that watches it and takes care of it and loves on it more. But she’s also the one that is having issues with her leg. I’m still trying to nudge her to start focusing on getting her muscles back into shape so she can walk. It’s going to be tough to want to travel with her if she’s not a bit mobile. I know it can be done… but man… traveling with someone who can’t walk, a cat, and a dog? lol… it would be funny to experience but yeah that would have to be somewhere in the States. I wouldn’t be traveling in an unknown country like this. I think I could work in the jungle this way.. but not again somewhere I hadn’t visited. But really… I know there are people who would be fun to explore with. But until then… traveling solo (well with Elvis) is far less complicated and I’m actually able to explore. Anywho… They like my concept I’ve been developing where I have a ticket in but not a ticket out. So I want to be able to explore where I am without any expectations of having to leave at a specific time. If I’m enjoying myself… I’ll stay and when I’m wanting to leave, nothing’s stopping me and I can go. But I also had to admit that I’m still working on gaining a balance. I just spent a year back with my pops to feel more grounded and stable and comfortable. So I’m ok knowing that I can return if that’s necessary. The brother was asking if there are signs when I know it’s time to go? I said well… I start to get restless… he said that I can feel it in my body… I said yes, but I can also feel it in my mind. I’m restless and I have a feeling things are going to change. But I can start feeling that way before the actual move takes place. But I’ve gotten more sensitive to feel it. He said that he’s starting to feel that way as well. He’s from Utah and he loves the community he has here. But in his job he travels to many states. He’s noticed that the, I believe two times he’s been to Florida he’s had a feeling that this is a state he’d like to explore. He said he can go to around fourteen states a year, and Florida is the only one he feels like going towards to explore. But he also feels is it worth it to leave such a good thing he has here in Utah. I asked if the good thing he has here will be lost when he leaves? And when I was saying that he was pretty much saying the same thing… and he chuckled.. it’s really just expanding the community. I said yes… possibly? I think it’s best for you to explore it for yourself and see for yourself. I was telling him that I’m not afraid to be wrong. I’m learning how to understand my nudges and gut feelings. We spoke about the wilderness therapy and I had to ask myself if I felt like I was responsible to keep this job because this is the reason I moved out here. I am glad to say… that it didn’t take me long to say.. no… this isn’t what I’d like to do… and it might have been an excuse to relieve my restlessness and I’m still wanting to do what I enjoy… and explore the area I’m in and curious to see who I can meet while I’m here. We all were laughing because of how we just sat down together and were talking as if we’ve known each other for a lifetime. In a manner we have, but in another manner it’s like we’re meeting for the first time. I get this so often during ceremonies… but it’s something that can’t be explained… it has to be experienced. Anyway they invited me to join them to visit the newest temple that was built in Utah. I guess it’s open to the public to tour before it’s “dedicated” I believe is how they called it. He was in the process of trying to explain why they don’t let just anyone go into the temple… they have a system where the can progress people into spiritual depths to be able to enter and gain the benefits. I guess if someone goes in too soon it’s not as effective. But until it’s actually anointed they do allow the public to enter and see what the temple has inside and the areas they preform their ceremonies. I thought it would be really interesting. I didn’t think the public is allowed in the temples for any reason… so why not check it out. I think this is the last month for visitors to check it out. I guess it’s been open to the public since October. So we exchanged numbers. They left and I continued eating. This is when the father and I could start talking. Of course the daughter is a great way to start the conversation. She’s a bit shy and so I asked the dad what her name was. The last time I was here, he was not with her but the mom was. We didn’t talk as much because it was getting late, but his background was Mormon as well. He’s been raised in it and three years ago he finally decided this way of approaching religion isn’t the way for him. His daughter was only one and he was afraid to talk to his wife about it. But once he started talking with her… they both found out that they agreed that they didn’t want to continue in the Mormon religion. He’s more on the secular side not of things… but he likes how Hinduism focuses more on mindfulness… I found myself saying that’s what I really respected about Hinduism as well is their spiritual “practices”… actually helping people get direct experiences of spirituality instead of theorizing about spirituality through scriptures. I was going on about this when I noticed that the man who gave me the book “Bhagavad Gita as it is” by his divine grace A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. I thought ooops I hope he doesn’t get offended by this comment. I do want to give this book a chance. I’ve heard of excerpts from the manual I have been using but I haven’t read it before. He found someone who donated 24 books to give out tonight… so he wanted to give one to me. I feel like at first I didn’t want to have it… I thought there would be more likely better candidates than myself. But then I also know that this could be beneficial for me though too. I’m wondering how the text is written.. if I’ll be able to understand it without knowing too much Sanskrit. I’ll probably go ahead and give it a go tonight. Really when it came down to the dinner and conversations.. I’m finding that I want to sit at different tables each time to start to get to know the people that go. I feel like they’re all going to be quite fascinating. I feel like there’s going to be a wide range of diversity in the people and I’d love to get to engage with them. lol.. I’m finding that I’m more interested in meeting them than the devotees for the simple fact that it’s easy to talk openly with them. They’re not trying to convince me to be a devotee. We have a general sense of respect for spirituality. And it seems like we are interested in our stories to how we came to be where we are… and I enjoy that. there was a group of three guys talking about getting together during the week. I wasn’t involved in their conversation but a little part of me wanted to invite myself to the dinner so I can get to know the three gentleman, one who has a seven year old daughter who seems quite interesting. But I didn’t interject… I was lingering to see if any of them wanted to include me… we were all a bit shy but we have time to see if we can engage further… But that’s exactly what I’d like to do… have more conversation instead of participating in service that just seems like it’s off…. Hehe… but I’m still open to give it a few more times. The more I’m around this environment… talking with people who want to talk about spirituality… the more I want to continue to be engaged in these conversations… It makes me more relaxed about this whole job thing too… If i start to get invitations to hangout with people who have great conversations… I’d much rather be doing that with my time… hehe… I was listening to the “sermon” I guess I’d call it… and it was nice. But it seemed quite typical… and it seemed typically misinterpreted. They were talking about service to others is more important than ourselves. In a way it’s true… but in a larger sense this is not true. So it’s hard to continue to listen…. I would much rather be engaged in conversations… instead of listening only… and I say typical because it just didn’t have the grit of what spiritual work really is made of. I’m not sure why I’m so opinionated right now… I wasn’t this critical to the church I visited this summer. I was finding things that I was happy to see and it was unexpected. Why is there an expectation in this setting? Is it becase this is based on a practice of spiritual experiences… I feel the leaders should be practicing and gaining their own insights and able to use their experiences to help guide people to do their own practices? I feel like this Hindu branch is more about theory than practice. They say they don’t want to necessarily be tied to the Hindu religion. They are more Krishna-ites… I’m not sure what they call themselves… but I find they have no concept of words as symbols. They are really wonderful people…I’ve really enjoyed getting to spending time with them… and having conversations with them… but man… something seems off. But I’m getting a bit tired and I’d like to practice a little of my Spanish lessons and see if I can start the book as well. So I’ll finish this for tonight. Have a good night everyone…. Until next tim

Alright… so communication has been something I’ve been noticing lately… I’m not sure why it’s difficult for many to communicate. I know I’ve been working on this as well.. so I guess I can see why but how much do I want to bend for people who struggle? Well… I’ve been allowing time for this retired gentleman to communicate with me about this gig coming up this Saturday. So last Sunday I messaged him… he hasn’t said much on what is going to go on. He is a chef and there’s going to be a buffet where we’ll just be making sure that we replenish any food that is running low. And it’s supposed to be at a library in a neighboring city. He knows that I don’t have a vehicle and so we’ve got to figure out on logistics. He said he’ll need me for about four hours. So… I wanted to see if I can get more details. There’s a few things that have come up on this date and I was trying to see if there’s a way to make everything work. I already been volunteering in the morning… and then there’s a kid’s game night at the local library that I feel will be fun to attend with my roommate and her daughter. My roommate might hire the babysitter who came a few weeks back for that night so she can go on a date. I’d love to get to know the babysitter a little more. We had great conversations the last time she was here. So I was letting him know what was coming up and if he could let me know what the plan is going to be. And his response was 6:00pm… I’ve asked him if he’s done this before, correct? Or are we just winging an event together? I asked if I can get a little more details with the event please. Am I supposed to be at the library at 6pm or is he picking me up at 6pm… where exactly is the event? What’s the expectations? He responded that he’s been doing this for 35 years, but here’s some of the past three years pictures. And sent pictures with him in a chef’s hat, his catering menu, and some pictures of food. I commented the pictures are nice, but I’m talking about this actual event. Can I get some details about it please. I said maybe texting isn’t his thing… maybe we can have a conversation over the phone then? I’ve waited to see if he was going to call me… no response and it’s been five days. Is this not a lot of time to allow for a response? Well… I went ahead and responded this morning by saying that I’m not sure why it’s difficult to communicate with me about the details of this gig. I know he’s busy and I guess I’m assuming it’s not important to him to organize this event. I said that I’m not looking for money this bad. I’d much rather deal with people who respect me and know how to communicate. I’d much rather volunteer with the llamas, play with some kiddos, and end with a soak in the tub more than the money he was offering me to help out. I said I’m sure he knows people who can fill in… I’m just another pebble in the river. I’ll see what he says.. but yeah I guess my expectations of having communication with people seems to high I guess… hehe… I mean this is supposed to be a job. I wouldn’t think it should be hard for an employer to know the details and allow their employees to know what’s expected from them. At the minimum… be willing to have a conversation with the staff when the staff is asking questions. Even if details are unknown… that can be explained as well… so again the lines of communication is open. It just brings up things about the temp agency I’m dealing with as well. I was told they were going to text me with the directions and to send a reminder of the interview. It wasn’t a big deal.. the text reminder didn’t come through and I easily found their location and was there on time. I usually like to be at an interview a little early, but they were closed for lunch which again makes sense and so I waited outside for about 10-15 minutes until they unlocked the door. When I left the interview they said that I should be receiving a text about the interview at the shop for next week. I double checked to see if they had my phone number, because I didn’t receive the reminder text that was supposed to be sent before the appointment. They had the correct number and so I said great, I’m looking forward to hearing back from you all. So… of course I’m looking forward to seeing if I can get an opportunity to work at an auto body shop again. But there’s something going on where I’m wondering… how am I going to get a potential raise if I’m working through a temp agency. I spoke to the woman of an example working as a cook during the two summers in Colorado. I started at $16/hour because I didn’t have much experience as a cook… my boss was working with me and he gave me a raise within the first few weeks working together. He wanted to let me know that he valued my presence and he sees that I’m worth more. By the second season he was paying me $22/hour… he paid me overtime… and ever since the first season he would tip me $100 to $200 a week for an extra thanks. She was asking my expectations of what I would be getting paid. I was trying to explain to her that I”m confident that once the employers start to work with me… they’ll compensate me accordingly. But in this situation… the employer at the job site… isn’t directly paying me. They are paying the agency and then the agency is making arrangements with me to pay me. The difference is what they keep.. is how I understand it. So… how am I going to be able to show the agency that my compensation can be increased if they aren’t actually working with me? It’s something I’m thinking about, but also I’m a bit like… well… I better just be happy with whatever I get right now. I don’t have as many options here. And so I’m trying to keep myself open for options. I thought… well… maybe if I go to this library game night with the kiddos… this could be a possible opportunity to talk with families who enjoy spending time with their kiddos playing games and singing karaoke with one another.. they would be living in the community with us. So maybe this would be a good networking opportunity. Also if the babysitter joins us.. this could be a great networking opportunity for her as well… actually I was thinking about her and thought…well maybe I can get some babysitting gigs myself. That will open me back up for working part-time at the temple again… hehe… I’m trying to figure this out. Yesterday I enjoy myself at the temple. I got there early, I guess… the temple wasn’t open yet. And so I went to sit with the llamas and the peacocks before I saw someone. I like it when I’m not getting any of the animals flustered with my presence. So moving slow and quiet and not having a threatening energy… this is the case with the peacocks especially… for the most part yesterday went well with them… there was only one occurrence where I noticed a peacock running away from my path because I was in a bit of a hurry. I noticed and slowed down, but it was still a little too late… the peacock was like… get the hell out of here hehe… the llamas… they aren’t so easily spooked, but I’m still trying to figure out how to be in their space and not disturbing them. The husband came out with a bucket of food scraps from the kitchen and was feeding the females. I asked if he needed a hand, and he said that I can take the bucket back into the kitchen and there’s another pan with scraps that I can feed them. So I did this, I took the scraps to the male side… lol.. but they didn’t seem to be interested in the scraps. The ladies did have all the carrots so they were loving the scraps. I apologized to the guys… I thought they were going to pretty much eat anything that was brought to them. The pan was mostly scraps of potatoes and they didn’t seem interested. Plus I didn’t really know where to put the food for them to eat. I didn’t think I should be putting it in where the hey and alfalfa would be placed. I put it out away from there but I guess I was trying to avoid areas where they would have used the restroom. I think I should have gone out into the field a little more to make sure there was a real separation from their area and an open area. I felt bad because I think I didn’t place the food in a good spot and maybe they would’ve been more interested in the food if I thought about the location drop than what I did. So yes… these are things I can learn if I continue to be around them. I brought the pan into the kitchen and the main kitchen manager was there and we said hellos… I noticed there were a lot of dishes in the sink… so I said I’ll go ahead and wash these up for him. While I was getting things ready the wife showed up and the sweet WWOOFer walked in. I wanted to make sure the wife didn’t need me immediately and said there’s dishes I can attend to until she needed me. She said there’s supposed to be a kids group showing up in a half hour… so yeah we both can work on the dishes until the group gets here. So the sweet WWOOFer and I were in the back with the dishes… we hadn’t seen each other for a week so I wanted to catch up. Last I knew she had left for a visit to the alternative Krishna temple… so how did it go? She said she liked it. To her she thought there were more Asian-Indians who attended this location. With ours there’s a lot of diversity in who attends. She didn’t say much else. I got her talking about her focus of study in politics. I wanted to see what had drawn her to this study and there’s a bit of an underlining impression that she isn’t excited about it anymore… so I wanted to see what happened. She said that when she was studying politics she kept on hearing that it’s all about relationships with people. She understood this but thought there was going to be more to it. When she went to start working she found out that… that’s exactly how it was for her. But for her situations she was dealing with more conservative minds. She thought she had to communicate her background in Christianity as a way to connect with them and she said maybe even for them to think she’s on their side. Even though the interpretation of Christianity she has wasn’t necessarily the same as theres.. but she felt like there had to be a way for her to fit in. She felt like the relationships she was dealing with were people of power and it didn’t make her feel comfortable. To the point where she doesn’t want to be involved with the relationship part of politics and dealing with policy. She thinks maybe she would be much better equipped to do the research part of it where she does the research for the people in power to make decisions from the data. I said I can understand why she feels this way. I asked her if she thinks things would be different if she happened to work with a different group of politicians? Or does she think it would be similar anywhere she goes. She said she could see how there wouldn’t be much difference. I said ok… well research is important as well… she seems very personable so its too bad she doesn’t want to be involved with the relationship side of politics… but this lead me to address the collective psyche again to her. I asked her if she studied any of this during her education? She said no. I was trying to see if there was a connection between the difference of what types of relationships the political enthusiast might want to learn compared to the regular joes… I asked first a general study in psychology. She said she didn’t do much in college, but it’s starting to interest her more now. I said how about collective psychology. And yes it lead to spiral dynamics and she wanted me to further explain… and I was starting with purple moving towards red and started with blue…. I told her there’s a lot more into what I’m saying to give it justice… I’d love to get her number and I’ll send her a link where someone has much more in depth concepts to discuss this subject far better that I can give it justice. I see how to apply it in my life, but I’m not the best at explanation. She said I should start a podcast because she thinks I’m fascinating… I chuckled and said I’m not the one who introduced these concepts to myself… I was influenced by a man who has dedicated his life to this and I appreciate it and I like to introduce people I engage with to him and see if he can be a positive influence for them as well. So I shared Leo’s video. Me and the sweet WWOOFer was talking non stop while we were doing the dishes. She actually asked me a great question which I was surprised on how I responded. She asked me if there was one thing that I could tell my former self that I know now that might’ve helped my former self… what would that be. I was thinking about it for a second and said that it’s a good question, and there are many ways to respond. But I guess I’ll have to respond this way at this time. It would be nice to think that an insight that I’ve gained later in my life would be able to be related to my less mature self. But the understanding I’m learning is… we can only understand insights at the level of where we are at. So the words of insights I would be telling my former self wouldn’t be understood at the level of the self of maturity. (Just to say something… these were not the words I used when I was talking with her…. But it’s the general sense of what was being said.) I asked her if she knew what I was saying… she was hesitant and wasn’t sure what I was saying. So I said let’s remember when we were children and we read a book or watched a movie. We understood it and remember it. But when we were young adults and read the same book or watched the same movie… was it the same? Or did we find a lot more information that wasn’t being understood at our childhood state? And then again if we return to those same resources as we are middle aged… we can assume that yet again… there was more information that was hidden to us because our stage of understanding was still limiting and there’s more we can continue to learn from the same book and movie. I asked if that makes more sense… and she said yes she understands that. And so I was trying to explain… that no matter how much I want to help my younger self out… my younger self will only understand what it can. I’ve been introducing her to the concept of life being perfect regardless of how we humans judge it. So I said how much I respect the perfection of Reality… the way my life has played out is exactly the way that was needed for me to grow and understand. So actually my answer is there is nothing I would change… it already happened perfectly for my own development. She didn’t know how to respond but thought it was an interesting response. Our conversation led to the concept of heaven and hell… when she was visiting the temple last week she said that she was listening to the service and found it interesting how the concept of heaven and hell was being addressed. The leader was asking where in the universe is heaven and hell located? She was trying to remember how he was explaining it… she said that we assume when we picture the universe it’s this flat-ish way of the planets and astrological bodies rotating around each other. But they were bringing it more of a multidimensional way of seeing the physical realm. She couldn’t go into much detail which makes sense since this isn’t something she contemplated for herself.. it’s something she heard from someone else and was trying to recall her memory of what she was understanding of the words she was trying to interpret. What came out of the result was that she found it interesting that the leader didn’t see heaven or hell as an actual location. That we as a collective are experiencing heaven and hell at this moment. And we are affecting this physical realm as heaven and hell by our actions. I kind of got the idea of what she was trying to explain. And I said that this is more of how I see heaven and hell as well.. it’s not a physical location. However, I see it as an experience that’s personal. Many people I meet will try to convince me that this physical realm is a disaster and terrible and it’s getting worse and it’s normally doom and gloom. And I know this isn’t the way I perceive and experience the physical realm. So for that particular person the same experience can be hell for them while it’s heaven for me. She didn’t think about seeing it as a personal state. I feel she’s being introduced to some good stuff… and get her juices going. She has many influences around her right now and I find it interesting and I’m excited she gets the chance to place herself in a situation where the people she’s engaging with have had more of a deliberate route of understanding our spirituality. We both found our we have family members in Oahu… and she was thinking about going there to visit soon as well. We exchanged numbers and we worked together, but we didn’t have discussions like this until we ate lunch with the wife. But when we left the kitchen to help the wife… The wife said… that she noticed we were chatting non stop in the kitchen. Was the discussion we talking about have anything to do with anything that’s important to life? The sweet WWOOFer jumped in and said yes… she loved our conversation and really getting her to think about life in a different way. Asking questions about things she hasn’t thought about. I said I enjoyed our conversation as well. I knew she has an interest in politics and I have a feeling she might be losing that interest so I’m trying to see if I can give her topics to further her study which I feel she would find interesting. I know it can be easy to give up on something you’re interested in because of the challenges but maybe… we need someone just like her who is the next generation who might be able to create change in the political dynamics. The wife also knows this about the sweet WWOOFer and she has her own opinions about politics. The WWOOFer mentioned how she sees politics as a power game. And the wife agreed. The wife is frustrated with how things are going and she might not know she was promoting that there’s nothing to be done about it… that’s just the way things are. I didn’t say anything at this time. But as we were gettin things ready to weigh the baby llama… I wanted to let the WWOOFer know that it doesn’t have to always be this way. There was a lot I’d like to discuss but there wasn’t enough time and no distraction to discuss. Plus I didn’t want to upset anyone… specifically the wife. I wanted to let the young WWOOFer get a different perspective. I’d love to see if she listens to that video about Spiral Dynamics first. And if she gets hooked into exploring it more… it’ll be easier for me to explain how the leaders in politics aren’t aware of our progressive development. They want to focus on this side against this other side.. but when the generation coming up to replace this generation starts to understand that this way of building a society isn’t the healthiest… and working on trying to create policies where everyone benefits not individuals. But it has to be gradually implemented for people to adjust small adjustments… ok… I know most of the people here have heard these concepts by Leo… I just am trying to get a wider audience especially interested in these topics to start thinking in ways they didn’t think of before. I’m excited to see how our relationship builds. The wife had commented about this young girl when we were doin the pond thing that she doesn’t think she’s that bright. I think she was talking about common sense of using tools and stuff like that. Which isn’t a big deal… she’s young and hasn’t had to do things like that but she’s open to learn. She’s on her phone quite a bit which again is pretty understandable for a 25 year old. But… she is bright in other ways. I’d like to explore her style of intelligence… but I don’t say too much to the wife. She’s pretty set in her ways and she “knows” a lot… so why try to open a mind which already “knows”. The growing process is limited with knowing… that’s why I’m going to continue to promote get a growing understanding… but that is open to continue to develop and change and mature… to me knowing is the roof. The roof doesn’t exist… hehe. I guess I’m going to go ahead and put a little insert in here that I was thinking about. There was a comment the wife had said to me which has me wanting to address. Yes I haven’t spoke to her about it… and here it goes to show that I can work on my communication as well. But she was saying something like if someone sees themselves as human, they will be more cautious about their actions, when someone sees themselves as infinite, they will be less cautious. Many times… I just listen to her and again not engage into much conversations, but because I might be assuming she’s pretty set in her ways. What can I think about this statement. So of course I can see how people think this is true. But is this true for myself? I don’t think this applies to my experience. It seems now that I’ve experienced infinity I’ve become more cautious… cautious? Is that what I would describe it? Let’s see what the context was happening when we were discussing this… she was wanting me to help remind her to slow down. She finds when she injures herself is because she’s busy being busy. So what does this imply for herself? She’s admitting that she’s not as cautious with herself but wants to get better at this. So she has been experiencing as if she’s infinite, and now she wants to be more like a human so she can be more cautious about her actions so she can prevent injury. yeah I was looking at my approach of treating my body. So when I was experiencing myself as a human I wasn’t really concerned about my body as much as I am now that I’ve got an experience as the infinite. But why is this the case? Why wouldn’t I be more careless now? Well… when infinity has been experienced I realized that all there is… is existence. So why am I not fully trying to approach the existence I”m experience with the utmost respect. The memory of my Awakening of being Consiousness observing in this “physical” body for the first time in a conscious manner… my relationship to my body has been changing. I mean it was changing before but in a different manner. I’m still trying to understand this relationship but I am a bit more aware of how I want to love on this body more. It’s been very satisfying creating a routine of self-care. Now I know this will continue to change and grow as I understand more of what I want from this relationship, but the process of doing this does feel really beneficial. I guess I have been a bit more cautious.. just an example by locking the front door. I was usually a person who doesn’t lock the doors. I remember stating if someone is desperate enough to break into my things… they needed it more that I do. But I wasn’t really imagining how close unconscious folks are… hehe… so again my neighbor and the ordeal that went down with them… yes… I was definitely more conscious that I do not want to make it easy for them to enter this condo with a beautiful young girl growing inside of here. So yes… I can see how this can protect her a bit more. But I also see how over protection can be unhealthy as well. Hmm.. I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with this line of thought… I ate in the middle of this paragraph and I feel it has interrupted my thoughts and wondering where was I going with this? I know that I am finding myself comparing myself to this wife and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I know how influential she is to the people who are coming to the temple. I’m not sure why comparing is something I want to do. I’d much rather want to see how I can work with her. And see how we can influence each other. I guess that is something I’ve been doing which I haven’t been noticing. I think I’ve been comparing myself with my roommate to an extent as well. These two women are very dominant and I’m wondering why I’m comparing myself with them. Doing this is making me want to point out faults instead of seeing the good qualities. Well that seems like it’s a bit more extreme to my relationships… because I know I’ve noticed many great qualities they have, but I have been picking out qualities… are these the qualities inside me that I have been blind to? Are they showing me my blind spots of my style of dominance? I’m sure that’s what’s going on in a way… What’s been rubbing me wrong with my roommate? She talks a lot about herself and is not interested in hearing anything I have to say. I can see myself being this way… I’ve addressed this before and I’ve been doing my best to stop the tendency. So how am I responding to her when she does this… I feel myself wanting to hide from her… lol… last night I was getting my bath tub ready and I was preparing my bath as I was listening to her, but yes finally when it was ready I was relieved to go and escape into the tub for awhile… and she knew that she’s not just going to sit at my door and continue talking hehe… I went to grab something to eat and she wanted to start again but I was polite but started making my way to my room to eat my food. This is where I can get better at my communication, right? Instead of running away to escape and I can let her know how I feel when she goes on long rants. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t feel good when I try to mention things to relate to her story to connect with her that she dismisses me and goes back to talking about herself. But damn it… do I have to be the one that tells her this stuff? It has to be a time that her daughter isn’t around. I’m not mad at her… I’d just like to have a different relationship with her. The same thing goes for the wife… I like her, but maybe since I haven’t been responding much to her comments she might assume I haven’t created my own opinions on things. I don’t want to offend her with having different views.. but I’m good at asking questions with people who are more open to explore… why can’t I try this approach with her as well? But is that what I’m thinking about these ladies? They have their walls up and I can sense them and I don’t want to waste my energy trying to convince them they don’t need a wall. But the fact that I’m noticing things that I don’t agree with isn’t healthy either. Hmmm… there was a lot more I was going to discuss but I feel like I want to just rest from typing for now. I might come back later to see if there’s more I can get off my chest. We’ll see… until next time.

Ok… so wow! I just got off the phone with a friend that I met through a mutual acquaintance. We met maybe for two days but we did exchange FB to keep in touch. I’ve been seeing her posts and she’s been seeing mine. Last I knew she was living here in Utah, so yesterday or within the last few days I reached out to her to see if she was still here. She has moved to Florida since July. She just called me tonight and the conversations was interesting. She’s been raised in the medicine life primarily in the indigenous North American ways. She wants to work with me. When we met I had offered to share ceremony with her, but she wasn’t ready for it and knew she would block it. I think this was four years ago? Maybe three? It’s’ been awhile. But she’s done DMT now twice and said she regrets not sharing in ceremony with me. I told her there’s nothing to regret… you know yourself more than I do… if it wasn’t time then it wasn’t’ time. If we are supposed to share in the future.. then it will come around when it’s time. She is still upset by the loss of her medicine man two years ago. I asked her what she knows about death. I was trying to see what she’s been learning especially if she’s a medicine woman wanting to teach spirituality. She continued by saying she’s lost many people in her life with death. She watched herself on the video as we’re talking and saying negative things about herself as if she can see herself dieing. I started out really generally… that the vessel is not her medicine man. The lessons he taught her is the foundation for her to build upon. His vessel is not necessary for her to continue her practice. I mentioned my mother as an example with her husband passing away two years now as well. I was asking my mother why doesn’t she move away from Hawaii? She said she doesn’t want to leave her husband. She and my sister visit his grave everyday for two yeas now. They are about to move and the distance is going to be farther away and they are upset that they probably won’t have the opportunity to go and visit everyday. I wonder what she’s learning about Spirituality? I figure that she knows her husband is not buried in the earth at the grave anymore. He’s infinite and is everywhere. She doesn’t have to necessarily be at the grave to connect with him.. she can be anywhere to connect. But I also know that in certain states our mind is drawn to our human connection instead of our spiritual connection. I was hoping this would help my friend I was speaking with tonight. I think it did for a little bit. But I also don’t quite know. This would be our actual first conversation and it was challenging for her to express herself. I think she was afraid to talk about ceremony because of the substances we use. I was trying to be open and have a conversation so we could actually get to an understanding… but I saw she was struggling talking about this to me. So it was a bit of a challenge to try to read between the lines. Our conversation was going back and forth about getting her supplies. I told her I should have a friend who is fairly close to her that should know how to get it, but he’s been in a funk for a few years so it’s not guaranteed when he’ll get back to me. She said that maybe she’ll just come back to Utah. She said there are a few medicine woman she knows that she would like me to meet. They would like to share ceremony with me. I told her that I’m open to meet them, but honestly I’m a bit hesitant. I’m not trying to suggest that I know any of these women, but the people I know who have “grown up” in the medicine scene… seem to be on the recreational side. I told her while I was laughing… you know that we don’t go and search for DMT… DMT will find it’s way to you when it’s time. She said that’s the same thing with peyote… and she has to say the same thing to others. And then I said…well then you understand who this works…. Hehe… I told her that I have not had experience with peyote and she was surprised. Many people assume I’ve done things because I’m a shaman, but that’s’ just not the case. And just because they say they are medicine women… that doesn’t tell me anything. And I wonder what messages they are teaching. Right we can get a better understanding when we hear what people say… and that’s when I get a better understanding of what type of work they’ve been working on personally and how much integration has been going on. I know I cannot assume these women who are still here are the same. I told her that I’m up for meeting everyone, but I want to know who I’m working with. She says she understands. lol… I asked her if she needs time to sleep something off… I thought she might be under the influence of something as we began our conversation. It may just be her behavior… again we don’t have many conversations… so I suggested it in case it would be better to talk when she was better prepared and ready to talk. I was surprised she was asking me actually. I told her I’ve already been hearing about many opportunities to have ceremonies in many forms here in Utah. And since she’s lived here a good amount of time and knowing different medicine women… why would she need to ask me for it? I also explained to her that I”m not openly sharing ceremony as often as I have in the past. Most people aren’t ready to go in. She apologized thinking i was talking about her. I said… it’s ok they’re not ready, but for my effort and energy… i find that I would like to be a bit more discerning with whom I share with. I told her I shared three ceremonies in the year I was in Indiana… so it’s not like I”m an open store front with my OPEN sign on. That’s not how I work. I think she has an understanding, but I also feel she has her own experiences that’s influencing her to assume how I work. I’m not sure where this is going to go… but it’s an interesting conversation and potential future encounters… hehe Ok… so I went to my staffing agency interview. I loved the lady who was helping me. We found it easy to have an ease to our conversation. She had me do a drug test right off the bat… hehe… I’m not used to that, but I went with it. We were talking about my experience and originally we thought about a general laborer position. I told her there was a mention of woodworking and I’m interested but I guess the employers want at least five years of experience to be able to get that position. But she noticed I was working at an auto body shop… she said she has a few opening for that. It wasn’t listed online, but maybe we can get one of those to work out. They are going to setup an interview… hopefully for Monday so I can meet them and see if we can make arrangements to start work asap. The one that we discussed is a family-owned shop and they’re willing to train. They were saying about $15-16 to start… I thought the general labor started at 16 so I’m hoping that’s where I’ll start but I guess we’ll see how it goes. But yeah I’m excited to possibly be working at another small auto body shop where they are accepting temporary workers and willing to train. That’s exactly what I’d be looking for. Plus if it’s a small shop… I should be able to get my hands into many parts of the process which I know will keep my mind occupied and tame it’s thirst for learning… hehe… so I’m trying not to have any expectations… but it would be cool… regardless I think I should be working somewhere next week. I messaged the wife at the Temple this morning. She said she is still trying to figure out the schedule. She asked what the max hours I’d like to work… and that I should come on Saturday. I replied letting her know that I planned on going there tomorrow morning to volunteer with the llamas. But I had been waiting on her to respond all week and I’m heading to an interview today at a staffing agency, so I know they are slow for the winter… so maybe it’s best that I have an open schedule for the staffing agency until they pick up and I can readjust my schedule. I told her that possibly with the holidays there might be opportunities to work overtime in these positions… so we can discuss further tomorrow. I don’t think this auto body shop does overtime, but they did mention bonuses. If we hit certain time criteria… bonuses will be given. So that’s cool to hear about. I know I’m on the slow side of the process, but I already felt like I was getting more confident with the pieces in the two weeks. I was afraid to break things but they’re fairly sturdy pieces… not everything is but many areas they are. Anyway… I feel like I’m going to get more comfortable faster in this position. I’m also hoping they’re organized and looking forward to meeting them. It’s in a location that will probably take around an hour to commute there. So I still have in the back of my mine… possibly finding housing that is closer to this location. We’ll see but it’s something I have in mind still. One of the guys I was talking to who had a segment on the public radio station in Indiana… I was messaging with him. He shared his segments and I liked what he was trying to do. It was interesting and he was trying to get the audience to hear the edited story the storyteller was discussing where they would say they’re feelings which we the audience is trying to figure out what they’re need they are talking about and whether it’s was being met or not. The segments are only 5 minutes.. so it was nice a brief, but it felt like maybe there was more he wanted to get out of it. He’s thinking about going back at it in a few months. And possibly approaching it differently. So… when I hear needs… I always think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs so I mention to him about this… and also mention at the end of his life he extended the pyramid with no roof when he found out that we can transcend these needs. So I guess i”m trying to seed him to think a little more about having people focusing on needs we have as humans. Possibly… we can ask ourselves… are these needs necessary to hold on to? Is there a way we can transcend these needs? But maybe the audience isn’t really ready and maybe he isn’t either.. but I figured I can start planting seeds. He was mentioning how is therapists where mentioning these models of effective communications… and he asked why aren’t we getting taught these things? He was also studying similar topics in his graduate program… he said we should be getting taught these things during high school without having to be paying a ton of money to get introduced to these subjects. I wanted to let him know that we were being taught by a generation who wasn’t really taught about expressing feelings openly… I know this isn’t the case in all situations.. but in a general manner. But these things are being taught in a manner to children now… but it’s like we are starting to teach these concepts… so it’s not perfect either… but it’s getting addressed. It led me to introduce him to Acutalized.org. I said there is a psychological model about the collective that I also thought should be taught at an earlier age without having to study specific courses in college to get introduced to it. So yes, I introduced him to Spiral Dynamics… The original video to give him a taste. He said he made it to the Yellow… but he didn’t really talk further about it… so I don’t think he’s ready to get hooked into diving deep into this topic which is fine… Just seeding to see where our conversations will possibly build to. But I guess I did mention online journaling… So I shared my journal with details about how it led to using this as an integration tool. I told him he showed an appearance now, and I kept him anonymous just like he does for his storytellers. I’m not sure if he’s going to read it. I told him it might be interesting to read, but really encouraging him to find a way to integrate is what’s really important. I told him that I feel that most of the people who are reading my stuff are guests… and so they’re spectators. They might find some good information by reading.. but I hope they understand that reading is mostly in the theoretical realm… and if they take the initiative to start their own journal… they’ll see how beneficial this process can be… or they can find out that this method isn’t for them… regardless… doing the work will give us insights and helps us gain a better understanding of our process. I’m pretty excited to get to know where he is more. What else is going on? Well… I can mention again this whole self-care I’ve been doing lately. I feel like I”m creating a routine with all of this. I’m trying to not keep ordering things… hehe… I feel like I’ve got my fix for now. I know I”m going to be tight on money especially if I don’t hook up with a job this month. So… what have I actually been doing? So I have ordered from Primal Life Organics… its was a kit.. let’s see I got the Dental Starter Kit. I got a charcoal infused bamboo toothbrush.. which I like the hard bristles compared to the dollar tree toothbrush that seems too soft. I’’m not sure which is better for my teeth and gums, but I guess my preference is hard not soft.. hehe… anyway… It came with a little bit of their tooth powder that I do enjoy, but I’m going to finish this up and finish of my toothy tabs that I got from Lush… I’m a Boom fan… they have a Plaque Sabbath jelly that’s similar. I tried a sample and it’s not bad, but I like my toothy tabs. The kit includes a tongue scrapper which has been interesting. The white stuff on the tongue is bacteria that should be scraped off… I also am hearing that this is because of my gut health.. which I might be looking for something to address this.. but I”m not quite sure if it’s necessary at this time… because my white stuff continues to decrease so… I don’t know I’m trying not to continue the splurge… I’ve already done it and I can work with what I got before going crazy.. hehe… and then the kit finished with a gum serum. This is what I’m really hoping shows results. There are several good reviews but I’m not sure if my receding gum line on my bottom center teeth is too far gone to help repair them… I’m hoping so, but we’ll see. And I am avoiding really looking for other options. I feel this is something that bothers me more than it really being crazy important to fix. I’ll just try to help influence the kids I can to take care of their teeth at an earlier stage… hehe… but yes this is a part of my routine. I’ve been flossing before I start the kit stuff… I’ve definitely notice that food is getting caught in my upper teeth a lot more often lately.. so it’s just what I do to start off my brushing teeth routine. Usually I just do it when I notice something caught… it’s happening so much that it’s just what I do now. What else? So I went ahead and tried Prose… I started with the hair care products, but while I was there I decided to get their skin care as well. It’s got a steep price but they were having a 50% sale… and so I thought I’d go ahead and give it a try. I’ll go ahead and link my referral link if this is something you want to try… Prose it’s a custom ordered tailored personally for you. I’ve been using a hair mask, shampoo, conditioner, and curl cream. I love the shampoo and conditioner, but for me, the hair mask isn’t what I’m used to getting when I use hair masks. I have to leave it in for 30 minutes which is easy for me soaking in the tub, but I’d think after leaving it in for so long I should be able to comb through my hair… well my formula I have is not doing this. So I don’t comb through it. I wash and condition… and yes after my conditioner I can comb through it without much effort. I have curly wild hair.. so there’s a little effort. I also hasn’t completely satisfied with my curl cream either… just because it felt like my shorter lengths weren’t getting curlier but straighter… lol… I use a home-made gel.. which yes I’ve been making now lately again.. and when I use this stuff… things are curly… I’ve got long hair so I guess I could be asking for a miracle for my shorter layers and root area to have curly like everything else… but I figured I’d see a difference using the curl cream. I was trying to return these products and I removed them off my subscription… but they said I can continue to keep them… just recycle when I’m done with them. And they refunded me for those two products. Again these are my results.. there’s millions who love their masks and cream… so I’m just letting you know my experience. I still plan on continuing to give them a try… but I’m also open to seeing if there are alternatives that might work better for me. Ok I’ve been taking advantage of the holiday discounts to give things a try. So I just received Olaplex in the mail today… so I haven’t gotten the chance to see if it works… but they have a two part system number zero and number 3 which is supposed to be magic for repairing hair. I got a deal where I bought one and got the other free… I don’t think the deal is going on now, but it looks like there’s deals that do go on.. so maybe something similar. But I’m hoping this can be an alternative to the mask… and from the reviews… could replace the curl cream in a way by restoring my hair… I’m not a professional by any means… I’m just going with my gut and see if it works. I’m looking forward to my bath tomorrow… hehe… I’m going to start with this and then go from there and see what happens. Ok… now the Prose skin care… I’ve been loving it! It’s definitely on the higher prices especially the serum, but I think I love it.. hehe.. so I’m still subscribed. And just to let you know… I’ve placed my subscription at two months… these products seem to only use a small amount. I mean this skin care might stretch to three months… I’m not a morning and night routine… at least not yet, but in the morning my face feels great so I haven’t been doing the morning one.. I do the night routine. Because it’s price I have to be honest and I ordered a few alternatives to see if there might be alternatives… I went back to Primal Live Organics.. they gave me an offer where I can try their Earth cleanser for the price of shipping… so I went for it. I haven’t received this yet but it’s an oil instead of a cream. I used to use a Lush cleanser that used quite a bit of oil so I don’t mind using oil to remove oil. There was also a Canadian company who was offering a sample of their system for free… I didn’t even have to pay for shipping. It’s for aging skin.. I haven’t heard from them lately… hmmm… I’m going to check if the tracking is available real quick… hehe… before I forget… Ok… it’ll take a week before they ship it… so yeah.. it was the reviews that got me to try it out. I’m not sure how to try it out… since I’ve got a thing going already. It has a 15-day routine which is supposed to show results in those days… so maybe I’ll just insert this in when I get it to see if I can see results. Again I’m open to see… it’s kind of fun to take time to care for my skin… I don’t know if this is actually necessary… maybe this is a bit much but for now… i feel like I’m pampering myself… especially since I was in the desert and felt my skin being sucked out of moisture… kind of hit me a bit hard. It was really noticeable with my hands.. but I feel good pampering right now. I did get Curel daily healing as well for my body lotion. I’ve been pretty consistent but I’ve missed some days here and there. But it doesn’t have any scent and it doesn’t feel like anything on my skin once it dries… it works so yeah I like it! The Prose skin moisturizer also seems like it’s going to last quite a long time. So I’m not sure how long these products will last… The great thing about Prose is it can constantly change… so I’m already thinking about when I head out to Hawaii… it wants to know where you are and it takes into account of the environment. And I’m not in the sun that much right now.. but when I get to Hawaii.. I will be… so the formula will change. I’m sure the moisturizer is going to be thicker right now than it will be for a tropical climate… so yeah I’m still very interested to see how differences will be. There’s also one more hair product that I’m trying… SpoiledChild scalp serum it’s a daily treatment that they suggest to use daily for 90 days to see the results. So…. I’m going to go ahead and give it a try… I mean the first time I used it and it dried my roots weren’t as wiry… they were super soft and it felt great…so it’s supposed to help with hair growth and I’m down to see if it helps. I feel like my hairs been doing pretty good in the past year with growth.. so hopefully this will continue to help and maybe it will really boost… we’ll see. they have several products but I’m trying this one first… they’ve got me hooked for 3 months… and then I’ll see if I’ve been conned or not.. hehe… but I’ve been on it on the daily thing… and I really do love how my roots feel. I have been a little annoyed by the emails these companies are sending me. I’ve actually removed myself from the mailing list… I like sites who ask before bombarding with three emails a day or something. I’ve just got your product… let me see if I like it before I start buying more… well anyway that’s not hard to adjust to. And darn it… if they do work… I’ll be continuing… but we’ll see… I don’t think I need to pampered all the time…so we’ll see how this goes… for now… it’s nice. Oh I’ve been doing a cuticle oil and nail strengthener but literally from the dollar tree. I like it. And I forgot the kit also included a lip balm that I like… I got a lip treatment gloss to try as well.. but I’m not going to list this company… I mean I didn’t have the best experience dealing with them… they sent my stuff to my billing address instead of my mailing address… plus they gave me coupons which were expired… hehe… just not good signs regardless if the products are good or not. Ok.. that’s enough of me and my self-care routine. I do feel a bit better doing this… so yeah… if anyone happens to be similar to me who doesn’t do this for themselves often… give it a try… it’s nice! Masculine or feminine… we all deserve a bit of pampering. Ok until next time…

Alright… it’s been a few days since I’ve written and most of my days have been trying to figure out how to get a job but also self care. So I thought I was going to go on Sunday to the Temple, but I decided to just stay at home and clean up and reorganize my space. Plus I just wanted to spend some time with my little buddy. He seems pretty needy… he’s been acting that way and I know there something going on with that. I know spending a year with him mostly that might have done something of a routine that he enjoyed, but now that I’m leaving he’s not liking that. I really think that stark contrast of not being home for eight days at a time when we first moved here to Utah really shocked him. I’ve been returning every day and it still seems like he’s been very affected by that. I’m trying to figure out to reassure him… that regardless of how long I’m away… I’m going to be coming back to him. I know that there’s things coming up where he’ll have to probably have travel moments where he’ll be either in quarantine or even traveling in the cargo instead of with me… I want him to know he’s ok.. because his person is going to get him. And I will… he’s my little boy and I absolutely adore him… and I’m so grateful that he’s sharing this Reality with me. I just hope there’s a way we figure out how to travel in balance together. His pet grass is really thriving and he seems to really love it. I grabbed a few refills which should last a few months. I can see the grass lasting longer than 2 weeks.. we’ll see but yes… I enjoy spending time with him. He’s been laying on me far more than what he use to do… And I love it… he’s literally kneading my tummy right now… and my fingers are on the keyboard… hehe… I’ve got to give him a bit of love… he’s nudging my hand… hehe and there he goes and sits on my lap between my face and my keyboard. Ok… let me love on him for a little bit. He’s got a little purr going and its so sweet. He so soft… I’m trying not to think about it much… but here in like two weeks there’s going to be another cat here in the condo. And from what my roommate is saying that her cat Snow… will probably want to be an only child kitty… hehe… and that’s how Elvis can be too. I cannot get him to remember that he shared space with Mika back in the day… so I’m hoping that it goes smoother than expected. My roommate and I both have said we’d keep our cats in our room if they don’t like each other. And that’s the thing… I think we can work with them… that’s what didn’t work in the past is I didn’t have someone with the other cat that Elvis is upset with. I feel if we continually hold our cats and love on them while they’re in the same space together… that will help let both cats realize that they are still loved and that their person wants to continue to love on them even if there’s two cats. But because it is in the back of my mind… as much as I’d like it not to be.. I’ve also been thinking if I have to find a place to relocate as well… hehe… So… when I returned to Indiana… I knew there were changes going on and I needed time off from work and just being social in general. I’ve been working things out and gaining an understanding so… I was participating in a part-time job at the end of the summer. I moved out here thinking that I was going to be working for a year here… now that I feel like I’m ready to get back to work… I’m finding that it’s hard to find and keep a job that works for everyone. On Monday I went to the collision repair shop who is hiring and filled out an application. They wanted me to wait for the painter to get to work and see if he’d like to have me as his helper. The manager said I’d be starting at like $14 or $15/hour. I waited for him to show and there was an older gentleman who came in to apply as well. We chatted while he was filling out the paperwork. He and his son both have applied and so they’re trying to get their foot in the door. He’s a welder by trade. He used to work in a nuclear plant but they did a major layoff and he’s been having problems since finding a steady job. He said most of the locations here in Utah have been giving him a 90 day trial period but don’t continue a contract with him. When I spoke to the painter that’s exactly what they’re looking for. Someone who will make a commitment to stay with the company. He said he could have me guarantee that I’ll stay for a year, but that’s really what he’s been looking for. He said he knows it’s a challenge to just be a prep painter and not having any other opportunities to keep our minds occupied. For him, he had to work ten years before he got a chance to touch the paint gun…and so he doesn’t like doing that to his helpers. But he had a helper for about two years and then the helper decided to go and start his own shop. Since then he can’t get his help to stay longer than three months. I admitted that I wouldn’t be the appropriate candidate for his helper. I don’t plan on being here for a year, and I was hoping to be involved with more than just prepping for paint. It’ll be too monotonous for me honestly. I like that I was working in a small shop learning a little bit of everything… but working in a larger shop doing only one part of the process won’t be satisfying. Plus I told him I already been getting calls from my family in Hawaii… and so I might be heading out there next year. So it was a good conversation, too bad he doesn’t want help right now until they can find someone who wants to stay permanently, but we both didn’t waste each other’s time though either. As I was leaving… one of the technicians were taking a smoke break… so I walked over to take the break with him. We were chatting a bit. He was in prison about 18years ago and that was his life before then. I was telling him that I at one time wanted to study prison design. I asked if he felt that prison helped him prepare him to get back into society? He said no… he’s not the only one that kept going back into the system. He said that he was in there because of drugs. And that also led to a conversation about the war against drugs… a little chuckle about the craziness of people who had to spend decades locked up for marijuana and now it’s legalizing in many states. Of course I have to plant a little seed about psychedelics and specifically Aya. I never know who needs that seed planted to hopefully try to see if it’s a tool to elevate our consciousness or not. I was walking back to the bus stop and there was a dance studio on the way. I saw this place already while on the bus and checked it out. It’s children dance classes and not for adults. I just was curious to see if any of the classes were going. I had some time before the bus was scheduled to arrive. There weren’t any classes going… it looked like one just finished so there were people around but as I was leaving there was a young lady sitting on the stairs by the front door. She might have been around 10 years of age. I asked her if she was a dancer? She said no, she’s a babysitter for the small kids. She’s just waiting for her dad to come and pick her up. I said well I’m surprised… you look like a dancer… well maybe you can save enough money to start taking classes too! She can do both… work and be a student… she smiled and said yeah… maybe she will. As I was waiting for the bus I messaged the contact that was forwarded to me by one of my neighbors for the IHOP position. I messaged him saying we have a mutual friend. And wanted to see if he was at work right now. The bus will be dropping me off right at the restaurant. I can come inside and talk to him. He didn’t respond. So I went back to the condo and tried again to apply online. I had to go through a third party company to finally fill out an application. Once I filled it out, I called the restaurant and the guy I was messaging answered the phone. I told him that I spoke to the other manager and she said they were hiring for cook, server, and dish washer. He said unfortunately yesterday he went through the system to view applicants and he ended up hiring two people. So right now they’re not looking but in a few weeks… I can check back. I thanked him and then I started looking through my phone. As I walk around sometimes I’ve been taking pictures of locations that have no hiring signs out. So I called a cabinet shop and left a message. I was wondering if they actually construct the cabinetry or if it’s more about assembly. I worked temporarily for a cabinetry place in Honolulu where it was more assembly. It would be fun to get back into a wood shop. But I haven’t heard back from them… I notice that people take their time to get back on things… hehe.. There was a place I applied for a month ago that just got back saying they filled the position. There is an Indian restaurant who is also hiring and so I called them too. The young lady who answered said I’d just have to come in a fill out an application and the manager will go over it to see if they want to hire. I asked if the manager is available today, because I’ll come in and fill it out. She said the manager won’t be back until next week. I said thank you… and yeah… I’ll see how things go the rest of the week to see if I’ll go next week to apply. I definitely wouldn’t mind working at the Indian restaurant… they advertise they cook vegetarian and vegan food… and I’ve been wanting to learn how to cook more recipes… and Indian food is delicious.. so learning how to create more authentic dishes would be nice. Plus it’s right here in town which is good too. So… I wasn’t having any success on Monday so I went ahead and messaged the wife at the Temple. I said I’d like to take on her offer of working for them. I thought Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday would be best. She said that she will need to talk to the staff about it. And she wondered why I had chosen those days. I said based on the schedule you gave me…. Those days were the ones that didn’t already have someone working the mornings. I figured if I’d be working that I’d be coming in the mornings. So… she hasn’t responded either. Again I know that my time seems to be different for many. I thought it wouldn’t take long to discuss having me come in. In fact I thought they might have me come in the next day… Tuesday to begin working but they didn’t message me back on Monday or Tuesday. So…. I thought about how easy it would be for me to get work in Honolulu. I have a cousin who owns a temp service so it’s easy for her to find me a job to work a few months. Well… I was like… why can’t I just do that here? Especially since it’s a temp service so I don’t have to make a commitment. So I looked up the closest locations. There is supposed to be one here in town but they didn’t have a number that was in service so I went to the next location. It’s about 45 minutes away on the bus line. I read through it and there was something about having reliable transportation… so I decided to call and ask if they consider taking the bus as a reliable transportation option. She said yes… they understand not everyone has a car. They just want to make sure, especially in the winter, that applicants are going to use the weather or coldness as an excuse to not go into work. She said I’d just need to fill out an application online and then they’d setup an interview at their location. I said great… I’ll get on that. So yesterday I filled everything out… and waited to see if they’d get back to me same day. They didn’t which is fine, but I went ahead and called them again today… saying I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to let them know that I filled out an application. She said she saw it submitted and asked if anyone has setup an interview yet? I said no, that’s what I was checking on. She said she can setup an interview on Friday at one. She sent a link for me to fill out like the W2 and I-9 forms things like that. She said it will be smoother if that’s all done before the interview. So I went and filled things out. Originally applying I said I wouldn’t be available for Tuesday Thursday, and Saturday… BUT if I don’t hear back from the wife today or tomorrow… my availability will open up for the interview and I’ll update it on my profile. I’m trying to not force things, but it’s challenging not to get things rolling. I think I’ll be able to learn things about nonprofits and also have opportunities to have interesting conversations at the Temple working there… but if we aren’t in alignment… then that’s where we are right now. I can still continue to help on Saturday mornings with the llamas and the babies. We’ll see how things flow. This brings up thinking about talking to the devotee who came over and chatted before he left to Seatlle? Maybe… I believe he lives closer to the location where the temp staff is. Maybe he knows people who might be willing to have a roommate with a cat? Maybe I can get a place closer to where my potential jobs can be. It’ll cut down on commuting time and also see if I can find a better match of liked mindedness, possibly? It’s in the back of my mind as a possibility. I was messaging the other volunteer who had taken me to the Temple last week who I guess is finishing his community service today. He told me that the babies are doing good. That’s mostly what he’s been doing is everything with the llamas. They’re gaining about a half a pound a day… which is what we are wanting. I had forgotten to mention that he might be introducing me to cold plunge soon. He says once he gets his tub out… he’ll let me know. I mentioned that I wish we could do this in a lake or something so I can swim and have a way to move my body instead of just sitting there… hehe… I don’t know how I’ll react but in my mind I’d think… swimming would be better than sitting. He said he goes to the river too… so he can take me there. A few days later he ended up messaging me that maybe the next time he goes… I probably won’t want to go, because he’s going to go in the nude. He likes to do this once a month. He doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. I told him that I’m not in a hurry… I’m still hunting for jobs so I can wait for another time. He said sometimes he is forward with things that are in his mind. He asked me if there are any areas he should avoid talking about because they’re uncomfortable topics. He said he’s like that when it comes to politics. I said well… I’m pretty open and I’d like to be able to keep topics on the table to explore; however, when it comes to topics of sexual interactions… that’s where I’ll draw the line. I said my heart is already taken and I don’t have to continuously explain this. He said that he will respect this. He already has a girlfriend and wants to respect her as well. I’m glad he brought this up… because it gave me an opportunity to address this, because… no matter how much he wants to respect his girlfriend… I was getting a vibe that he might be a bit interested in me… a bit more than friendship… and I’m wanting to get to know him… but in a friendly manner and so I was able to get that clarified. But I am curious about this cold plunge thing. I’ve been watching Wim Hoff snippets for awhile now… years and I think it’s interesting. I figured one day will come where I’ll go ahead and try it. In fact when I was in Colorado and living at the largest natural lake… I did submit the lake as a possibility for Wim Hoff’s crew can come and try… hehe… I thought if they come, than that will give me the push to actually participate. So…it’s a possibility I might try this soon. So… I’ve gotten three more references. I ended up getting a hold of the ones who didn’t get back yet and thanked them for the consideration, but it’s not longer needed. One of my girlfriends felt guilty and said she totally forgot. She’s going to write one tonight and send it to me. We ended up speaking last night. It’s been awhile since we spoke so we had a lot to say. I told her the rollercoaster I’ve been going through since moving here. I even mentioned all the details with my autobody neighbor. This triggered her… in a positive way though. She’s been debating whether she should study cyber security or not. She thinks she might need to study law enforcement as well with what she’d like to do. Shes’ not sure but her thoughts of the unknown stops her from making one step towards exploration. There’s things that are going on with her family that isn’t exactly what’s going on with my situation…. But still she wants to be able to help children who are being abused. She said she feels so helpless to doing anything. She follows different cases that involves children in our city in Indiana. She said that it makes her not want to have a family… She can’t trust anyone. I allowed her to vent and get her frustration out. But then I knew it was time to address things. I said it’s good to notice where we are… we might feel helpless now to assist these children, and we don’t know the steps to take to even get them help. For me, I’m open for them to come and reach out to me in the future when they are ready to make changes… and maybe they’ll remember that I wasn’t judging them and making them feel shameful… maybe they’ll remember I”m a shaman… and maybe they might think to look me up and see what we can figure out together to start making different decisions. I am not in a situation to help at this time… so maybe we all need time to figure things out so later if they come back…. I might have a better idea to suggest things that might work for them. Right now… I’m at a loss. Now what’s different from me to you… I know you’re a bit more attached to these frustrations of being helpless and not know what to do. It might not be easy for you to be ok in this position… you really want to make a difference in children of abuse… specifically with your family members. It’s obvious that you’re already looking into ways for you to not be in a stage of helplessness. You already have been looking into ways to trading and educate yourself in areas where…. You will know steps to take. I’m not sure if you really want to make those steps or not, but look into yourself and notice that you are getting better in discernment. We are learning when we notice people who aren’t the healthiest and a bit more toxic… that we don’t have to be they’re savior. And we don’t have to be involved with them on a regular basis. That’s the difference between you and your aunt. Your aunt isn’t as aware so she’s allowing potentially dangerous people into her and her children’s lives. Trust you are getting better discernment to know that if you are feeling iffy with someone involved with you and your future children’s life… you won’t hesitate to not allow them to be in their lives. We can’t guarantee their safety…. But we can gain better trust in ourselves for gaining better discernment to help them have safe adults around them and influencing them. I had to let her be aware… that she tends to want to listen and read about crimes a lot… which is fine, but also understand putting your attention on all in these areas will give you a skewed perspective of a world of criminals. That isn’t necessarily the case, but it could help you think this way. Hopefully if you do decide to go further into educating yourself that you’ll have a mentor who will help you balance this sooner than they did for themselves. I asked her if there are people in her life that’s trying to endanger her life. How many crimes are against you personally…. How many people are great people in her life… How well are you feeling more confident in yourself? We’ve known each other for over ten years… and I absolutely adore her… I really hope she and I will work together in a more deliberate manner. But any way… I received a message this morning. She said that she’s glad the phone listens to our conversations… because she saw two ads about cyber security. She went ahead and signed up for three free introductory courses to see if it’s really something she thinks she wants to go into or not. I know she’s so extremely compassionate and intelligent. If she doesn’t want to feel helpless in finding solutions for children in abuse… she’s going to find a way to be educated so she won’t continue to feel helpless. We’ll see how it goes moving forward. She’s been thinking about cyber security for about a year now… and maybe its her time to take steps if this is the avenue she wants to explore or not. Encouraging her to explore will be my role… I support her regardless of her decisions. We said we should try to make a better effort to talk once a month… she said she put me on her calendar… hehe… love her! I’ve got another gentleman I’ve been speaking with from Indiana. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned him before. We haven’t had much in depth conversations so I probably didn’t mention him. We only met a few times at the art party in Indy. The last time I was in Peru I gave him an invitation to join in ceremony and he was thinking about it, but didn’t come. From time to time we message each other… but again nothing too deep. I’m pretty damn patient with many. I know I’m going to continue to work on my patience but I know I’ve been getting drastically better… hehe… but finally this year seemed to be clicking on him expressing himself a bit more openly. I feel I’m getting better at asking questions and being completely transparent in my journey. Some people are on the brinks of really understanding the integration process… this subtle but powerful process. He likes to send voice messages and I still like to text in response, but I really enjoy listening to his messages. He feels very thoughtful and genuine. He actually sent something yesterday because I had asked him questions… but he ended up deleting the message because he confessed he was under the influence of alcohol and he thought it wouldn’t be what he wanted to send to me. So he wanted to send a message without that influence. And it went brilliantly. I was trying to get him to be more conscious in his contemplations. I asked him what insights are he gaining from his experiences and relationships with the substances of his choice…. Marijuana and psilocybin… what does integration mean to him… He took this seriously and I love it. I gave him some deep details about my personal experiences to give him an example of how I might answer these same questions. I’m trying to get our dialogue to go past a few sentences… I said spirituality discussion takes time to express… But he used to interview people on the radio… so maybe he has more comfortability level of speaking instead of writing. So he was speaking and it was great in the middle of him trying to find words to express his thoughts… he had an insight which he found interesting… he also expressed something he’s integrating which he didn’t know until he tried to explain it…. He wasn’t to be able to slow down and be completely present in the moment. It comes natural when he’s using his substances, but he is trying to integrate that without being under the influence. So that’s great… I was telling him that it’s easy for me to see that his awareness is increasing which is the integration process and said that hopefully being more conscious in contemplation will help leading to tangible understanding of this subtle process. I think I’ll go ahead and take a screenshot of this section of our conversation. I’m really enjoying our engagements. I’m wondering when we’ll get an opportunity to share space in person. I already know I’ll enjoy his company and energy. So… I guess I’ll ended my little ramble will be on some of the things I’ve heard from the tarot in the background. Slow down… self care is high consciousness… it’s already falling into place, no need to force things to happen. Ok…I’ll go ahead and get off and grab a little something to eat. until next time…

Well… today I went in to volunteer with the llamas. They are absolutely so adorable. The adults are too funny and they aren’t particularly cuddly but their presence can still seem calm. I have to watch my pace around the animals. They help me slow down. The peacocks roam and when I get near them if I’m going too fast they are in a rush to get out of the way. I’m learning if I slow down…make it obvious that I’m not going towards them and also if I don’t look straight at them. They can be more confident that I’m not going after them and they’ll stay put. The llamas… they seem to enjoy if we don’t look and gawk over them too… hehe… but it’s so hard since I’m new to them and I just want to love all over them… hehe… So unfortunately we lost one of the baby llamas. I believe the mother started to not enjoy the baby feeding and was walking around instead of staying still so it wasn’t getting enough milk. Today they had supplemental milk and we were feeding the other baby. The wife would like to feed it at least once a day but twice would make her more satisfied. I think she’s wanting to possibly feed the three month old too. So… we learned how to put the halter onto the baby. The wife said the llamas do not like their faces touched. Plus they do not like when we’re right in front of their faces. So we approach with the halter from the back. We place it in one hand while the other hand is placed around their neck/shoulder area. As we place the halter we say “halter” and eventually the llama will place it’s face inside, but as they are training we place it without touching their face and buckling it on tightly but not too tight… a little space. The wife prefers we keep a tight rein on the babies. We are trying to get it to walk on it’s own, but sometimes we might need to add additional help from encouraging their bottoms to move forward with walking. It was the first time the babies got to come inside the temple and be around human environments. The wife doesn’t want to do this often because she wants to make sure they won’t get imprinted on humans. The second time we fed the youngest girl we did it outside inside their area. We were also trying out different sweaters and jackets on it to make sure they fit. Right now we placed a pink sweater that we cut off the arms. It had a zipper at the collar down the chest, but when we put it on the baby we flip it around so the zipper ends up on the back of the neck and back. It fit really pretty good. It could’ve been a little longer but not too bad. We placed a jacked that had a line of fur on it too and this was I think was for a dog so she had a protective layer from the moisture. It was a fashion show because the wife had different options and we tried them on to see if they were going to work or not. Right now it’s in the 40’s so it’s not really that cold but we’ve got a plan for when it gets below freezing… we’ll have about three layers going to be placed on her and probably a warm buff that’s long enough to cover the neck. Before we took the baby girl inside we wanted to start tracking her weight. She had me get onto the scale and then I’d hold the baby to see the difference in weight to determine the weight. I believe they’re wanting the baby to increase their weight about a half a pound each day through the winter. What I think I weighed 160.6 and was around 183.0 with the baby. So we have a base weight. So next week we’d like for her to gain 3.5 lbs. It was funny because I worked a little bit and I ended up losing about a half a pound. We went to weigh the three month old. I thought maybe I could hold him and I weighed 160.0… but it could’ve been recalibrating differently she said too. The boy llama that’s three months weighed 67 lbs. I could hold him but when I got on the scale it was hard to get on their without seeing my feet. It was a human scale we were stepping on. And since it was taking a while to get that situated the boy ended up kicking and wanting to get down that I ended up letting him go. So one of the men did it instead. I was able to help his foot get onto the scale easily and we got the weight we wanted. He’s doing pretty good with the half a pound a day…a little less then what they want… that’s why we ended up giving him supplemental milk but he’s doing pretty good. He’s a handsome one who has raccoon eyes… and the little girl has snow white fur. They’re so cute! They don’t hum as much as the adults… well they do but it’s so soft that we can barely hear it. So when it came to feeding them. The wife said it’s best if someone straddles the baby. The more people can help keep the baby from moving but if there’s only two of us one would straddle and the other will help keep the baby’s head leaning back and stretching the neck long when being fed. This is the position they’re in when they’re feeding from their mother. We want to also make sure their feet are on the ground. The baby girl did really well for her first time and drank most of the supplemental milk. When it was the boys turn he wasn’t so cooperative. He kept biting the bottles nipples so it wasn’t going into his mouth…and then it also seemed like he was refusing to swallow. He only got about half a bottle down. And the thing I question is how quickly we were feeding them. I don’t know if putting a full bottle down at once is the way to do it. I don’t see them feeding like that with their mom… I haven’t actually got the chance to observe yet but I’d assume the mom moves and the child adjusts quite a bit so there are small breaks. When we are feeding them like this it’s like there so much going down at one time. I remember feeding my nieces and nephews and they’d do a fair amount but then they’d take breaks. They’d forget they were feeding and fall asleep… we’d twist the bottle to get their automatic response to suckling to start again. Anyway I feel like everything is ok. I trust the wife knows what she’s doing. It was just the two of us who fed the baby the second time and it wasn’t too difficult for us. She said eventually the baby will know what we’re doing and will not struggle with us so much. There were moments the baby was looking at me with her eyes as the milk was getting poured down that I thought of the village dog I was trying to help in the jungle. He gave me that look and I think I did give him too much water. He wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t giving him that much… but he wasn’t used to that much. It’s challenging to have memories of trying to help out and leading to death. I was heartbroken the black baby didn’t make it. I know how hard the wife took it. We had two new volunteers and I was telling them the story of the accident of not shutting the gate and having the males sneak into the females area and got them pregnant. The wife said that volunteer is going to have very bad karma for doing that. I think she was thinking more about the death then her accident trying to bring them into shelter. Death though… isn’t the worst thing to happen. Its still challenging. But we all mucked out the female and male areas and placed hay down to fill the patches. We filled the troughs with hay and alfalfa. The guys moved some fencing from one area and attached it so it has less of a chance for the wind and snow to enter the female area because that’s where the babies are for now. We went inside to take lunch. The wife and husband actually sat down with us all to eat. Actually the two new volunteers went upstairs to the lotus temple for a tour and stayed up there while we were eating. After lunch the wife split the crew up. The guys went outside and continued working and she had the girls stay inside. Oh the two volunteers did not stay after their tour… they didn’t even eat which i found surprising. But while the WWOOFer and I were inside we swept and mopped. She took me to the green house where they started planting lettuce and spinach and a few other things. I hadn’t been in there yet and was wondering if they decided to give it a try or not. They did so I’m hoping they’ll have some good results. She and I were having a conversation that led to biotecture (Earthships), food politics mostly about food waste, and started a little into spiral dynamics… just a taste. I’ll see if she’s interested in learning more or not. She’s a political major so I’m thinking she might, but maybe not either. She did her four yours and so I went to do the dishes. I got a ride from one of the volunteers I met when we were cleaning out the bottom of the pond. He said he didn’t mind picking me up since I’m right off the freeway. I was going through some of my camping stuff and thought the Temple could use some of it… which I’m not planning to use any time soon since I don’t have a vehicle to go to an area to camp. And I”m already starting to make plans on leaving in the spring. So I had three tarps and a lot of para cord I knew they would be able to use. I had two sleeping bags which I wasn’t sure and at first I offered the tent that was given to me. She agreed to bring everything but didn’t say anything about the tent. I hadn’t even seen if all the pieces to the tent are present. So I asked my roommate if it’s ok for me to try to put it up in the living room yesterday. She said yes as long as I keep it up for her daughter and friend to play inside… and take it down before her date arrived. I said yeah that’s cool with me. Oh my goodness to see her daughter’s reaction to the tent was well worth it! And the tent is huge! I thought my buddy said its a four person tent but at least six. But I think I’ll keep it for awhile… shoot I might need it for housing in Hawaii? I already spoke to my mom to start planting seeds if she’d be ok with Elvis and I camping outside their place. She doesn’t think it’s allowed… and so I said I’ve been looking at places but maybe we’ll end up on the beach and in parks again. I’m thinking about visiting for a longer period of time… but who knows. They went to check out the place today… I’ll hear back in the next few days how it went. They’ll be busy with church and my brother is supposed to get released from the hospital as soon as Monday. So they’ll be occupied. So where was i? Oh dishes… So as I was doing dishes the wife came and spoke to me and said that she finally got the chance to read my references and she said they were good. She specifically mentioned that my dad seems sweet. I said he is. She said before I leave she’d like to get a chance to talk to see what we can figure out. I had to take the stuff I brought with me into the house. I got to see the wife’s studio. She’s working on large murals and they’re absolutely beautiful… I believe she’s the only one in this area that’s been trained in the classical Indian art with their portraits. She’s very good and I enjoy seeing her work. But while we were in the house we talked. She wasn’t sure where to go with our relationship. They are very slow in the winter. There’s not much else to do outside except for the llamas. She thought possibly the WWOOFer thing for me but she said they have rules such as no drinking, no smoking, and no caffeine. I said I don’t drink alcohol or caffeine so that’s not an issue, but I’m still not ready to quit smoking. I’m working on it, but I’m not there yet. She said she can understand when the Native Americans use tobacco for their sweat houses, but doing it consistently isn’t the most conscious relationship with it. I said I agree…that’s where I’m heading but I need my own time to figure it out and allow it to happen. She finally said she was looking at the gaps she has up in the gift shop. There’s opportunities for me to work in there. She said if I’m not wanting to actually live there, then she’d be willing to pay me. I guess the Caru’s helper isn’t the only one who gets paid. She has one of her own she pays too. She said she can pay me $15 and hour to work in the gift shop with shifts that need to be covered. She gave me some of the days that works. She knows that I’m wanting to find a job too so I can save. Shoot she’d be paying me more than the auto body shop anyway… hehe… And so I’ll most likely take her up on her offer… but I’m trying to see what and how to work in another opportunity. As I was riding back to the place, we drove by one of the autobody shops that I sent and email to… to see if they’d be willing to give me a shot as a technician. I saw an actual sign out front saying they are hiring technicians. I planned on following up with them and the windshield place on Monday. But yeah… this one is closer and also the collision repair is far more interesting than replacing windshields. I’m just not sure how they’d feel for being a part-time employee. I can maybe go the route since i”m new and it can be a training thing? I can just tell them I’m spiritual and I want to split my time with the Temple? I guess I can see what kind of conversations I can have with the people I deal with. I might be able to try to get them to meet with me on Monday so we can discuss. I’m not sure what they’re willing to work out. Oh… I guess the Temple is thinking about giving me a car overnight next week. Instead of having me spend the night on Saturday and Sunday and take the bus on Monday. Caru’s helper asked why doesn’t she just take the car on Saturday and she can drive it back on Sunday and then get dropped off by someone… and really I feel like it would be easy to find someone to give me a ride. And last week the person who gave me a ride ended up staying over an hour chatting at the condo. So of course I’m like that would be cool… but didn’t think they’d agree but the wife said that might be something I can start next weekend. So that would be nice. The devotee who took me back was the one who picked me up last Sunday… so sweet…. Offered to take me to Walmart at first because we were talking about taking baths. He loves putting epsom salt in his bath and I said that would be a good idea. I said I was going to ask if I can get dropped off there, because I wanted to grab some groceries. He said he has no problem taking me and waiting to take me back home. We even went to the local grocery store in my small town and found some good deals. So I appreciate that! It’s funny there was a part of a tarot reading I heard something like working on being able to receive… that there will be small tests to see how we respond when people want to give or gift us something. Will we find a way to not accept it? How smoothly does it go when this comes into our experience. I found that I was accepting it, but I also had them double check that it was something they didn’t mind doing. So it wasn’t an all out rejection, which I do have to admit I have done mostly in the past. That actually brings up the fact they were giving flowers away to visitors and they gave me some too. I loved it… it was a dozen roses… white roses and they have a subtle shade of lilac on some of the tips. I actually pulled some of the petals that were showing signs of wilting into my bath tonight. I love it! Placing flowers in my bath reminds me of preparing for Aya ceremonies. I love those baths because little pieces of flowers will get stuck on my body and in my hair. In the middle of ceremony I’ll get a whiff of the scent and it’s always pleasurable and relaxing. I did a three hour soak tonight. I wasn’t sure if I was going to Sunday Temple but the devotee asked what time should he pick me up tomorrow… so we discussed what time would be best for both of us. He starts his shift in the gift shop at noon… so we decided 11am. That will give me some time to love on Elvis for awhile. He’s been sleeping in my spot on the bed ever since I got home. I’m about to go to bed so I’m trying to figure out how to lay down without disturbing him… hehe… maybe he’ll let me cuddle him tonight… at least I’ll give it a go hehe… ok.. this will be good enough for now. Looking forward to observing how conversations go during dinner again tomorrow. Oh yeah… If I get a job as a technician for three days and then work at the gift shop for three days… I don’t know if I’ll be going to Sunday service. I’ll want a day all to myself I think. I really enjoy the dinner time but I’m not sure about the repetitive chanting for hours. Plus I wasn’t really moved to dance and sing… maybe I just need to give it more time? But yeah… I’m just not used to hearing Hare Krishna a hundred times a day… hehe… I mean when I go to Christian churches… I guess they say God and Jesus many times… but I feel it’s not as often… but maybe I’m more acclimated to this then the word Krishna. I don’t know it just seems so showy to me… as if they’re trying to prove to themselves and people around them their dedication and devotion? Maybe that is why they do it so much. I just show my dedication and devotion in more of a private way… lol… and yet here I am writing an online Journal… hehe… well even though this is public… it’s not like I know who is reading this and I’m not having any conversations with anyone… so it still seems like I’m talking to myself in privacy. I mean… I’m laying on my bed with the keyboard on my lap. My little buddy sleeping next me… it’s quite in my room so yeah it seems pretty private… hehe but right.. I don’t have anything to prove is what I’m saying. It reminds me of the message I received when I got nude the first time in Aya. I was wearing jewelry made by the shamans and pants they did art with. And I found myself tearing them off me… I broke the jewelry because I was having issues finding the clasps. It was not necessary for me to prove anything to the shamans or in ceremony. I thought I was showing them my gratitude, but it was also like I was praising false idols. That’s what rubs me a little wrong here too… but I’m open to change my mind. But since this is a fancy temple… it seems like I get the impression that volunteering and helping here is more special then doing it somewhere else. I heard that we can burn off more karma quicker by working at the Temple. I think I’ve mentioned this before now that I’m typing it out… but yeah what if our definition of Temple includes everything. I’ve spoken to someone who was trying to say how special their Holi festival is and how close we can get to Krishna. I asked if he was able to commune with Krishna at anytime… or have the opportunity to? Hehe… I don’t know if they are used to people asking so many questions… And I’m finding that I am asking more questions than I have before. Its’ a great way to engage with people going back and forth. But also allowing them to think about their response and own conclusions is very beneficial as well. Also there are things I just don’t know and I’d like for them to explain to me. And that’s usually when I find out if they have an understanding through their experience or they’re just regurgitating theory of someone else’s experience. I usually go ahead and let them finish if they’re speaking theory… and then I ask them if they have an example from their personal experience. It goes both ways… but I’m trying to show them the difference between theory and experience and how it differs. Sometimes it’s really easy to show them because when they’re recalling someone else’s thoughts on something… they might have a hard time remembering the information they read or listened to. And they can’t really answer many questioned asked about it… they answer with uncertainty. But when I ask them to tell a story about something they experienced first hand… they don’t have any issues recalling the event and usually triggers more memory… And when questions about their life experience… it’s easier for them to answer… even if the answer is I don’t know… hehe… funny they can be much more honest on their own stories… but when they recall someone else’s information… I find many don’t know how to admit… i don’t know… hehe. Ok… well.. I think this is a good time to get to bed. Until next time…

So the past few days were pretty laid back… well yesterday was.. today was volunteering at the Temple. So… what am I thinking right now? I’m wondering what the next steps are to take. Yesterday I was leaning towards trying to get a rental at the Temple and see if I can go through WWOOF program to do this. I was a member of WWOOF international, but around August or something like that my subscription expired. I didn’t think to renew it, but I thought of the sweet Filipino WWOOFer at the Temple so I looked at the Temple’s profile for WWOOFers. There were a few things that I didn’t want to agree with. First of all they said they don’t allow pets to come. They will provide room and board when someone volunteers four hours a day for six days a week. They said if anyone wants to have two days off then working more hours for five days that can be arranged. They said they do not want WWOOFers to have part-time jobs while they are there… mainly I believe because they want them to participate in the classes held throughout the week. Plus Sunday service is mandatory. So approaching it as a WWOOFer isn’t the move I want to take. I’m still uncertain if renting with them Is the correct move at this time. I went today to see kind of how things seemed to fall and I gave four character references for the wife to review. She said she would not have time today to look at it, but she will. I understand we had a big project to accomplish today and I said I have a few more that I’m waiting for. One mainly is for my rental history which he just got a hold of me today and asked where to mail it. So I’ll be submitting this one most likely this weekend. It was definitely hard work today and that’s why I would like to rent there thinking I can make arrangements to where I’ll get at least a discount on rent with some type of agreement with volunteer hours. I’m wanting to make money so I’m applying to positions and I’m trying to talk to anyone who might be interested in helping out. Oh that reminds me last time I was on here I was going to visit the owner of the gas station. We had a good conversation but it didn’t lead to any questions about a job. What I thought was interesting is that he attends a Sikh temple up in the city. He didn’t really answer whether they speak English or Hindi. But of course… I’m interested to see how the differences are. He said there are many similarities but he isn’t too involved with the actual spiritual side of it and mostly goes for cultural reasons. His parent live with him and he takes them because they want to go but since it’s in the city they go about once a month. But yesterday I reached out to an auto body shop in the neighboring town which is on the bus line. Seeing if they might be hiring at this time. They did not have a listing out searching, but I didn’t think it would hurt to try. I did find a position open for a automotive glass technician trainee. It’ll be a little over an hour to commute to this position, but it’s a corporate position and has locations throughout the States… one specifically in Honolulu. How it works for them they said trainees start at about $20 some an hour to start for the three month training and certification process. Afterwards it’s almost a $2 hour raise after certification. As I was leaning towards yesterday was maybe I can go to Hawaii and instead of visiting for a month. I could maybe spend abou three months. If I stay here in Utah for four months… I can gain some experience with this company and possibly get help to transfer to the Honolulu location. Plus I should be able to continue the pay if not a little more since it’s Hawaii and usually it’s a bit higher wages because of the cost of living. I do have to say that I loved their application process. There was a section where I was getting tested with pattern recognition… and it was challenging ones. But I love these tests. Another section was personality traits that are more characteristics of how we would describe ourselves. I laugh because many of what I selected seem to be contradictory just because it can’t help itself making it seem like things are black and white. Just an example is “I enjoy time alone”… I agreed… and then “I enjoy spending time with groups of people”… again I agreed. So there were close to 50 of these photo selections where it seemed like I was agreeing to things that may seem different but it applies. I was hoping to get some type of communication from them today. I might go ahead and call them tomorrow to check on my application. The position was posted 7 days ago… so they should be still looking for candidates. Now… I would like to find something where I can get into the collision repair, but I figured… if I have to start in the windshield only at first, then that’s what I’ll do. I did run into a new volunteer at the Temple today. He dropped me off at the condo and while we were talking he said he has a friend who works at a dealership and he does the detailing. They usually have a collision department as well. I didn’t even think about working at a dealership, but I’d think they’d do the services by the book which would be a way I’d be looking for to train into these skills. I guess his buddy gets paid $25 an hour being a detailer. I’d be interested in checking it out if it lines up. Yesterday I was entertaining a plan that would have me working and volunteering until the end of March. It’s going to take awhile to get my cat Elvis prepared to travel to Hawaii again. It’s a rabies free island so there’s extra paperwork and tests needed. It’ll take two to three months to just get that all done. And if that’s the case I was thinking if I continue to volunteer with the Temple, they have a large festival in March. I guess they hold the largest Holi Color Festival in the States. I thought I can help get this festival going and as the finale I can celebrate Holi with everyone and then prepare to head to Hawaii. Again if I can give some beneficial help with this Temple, there is one also in Honolulu… so maybe again I can get a referral to be able to help the Temple in Hawaii too. I’m not sure but it’s going on in my head. With this all in mind I was thinking… that I have to start thinking about lower my expenses even more. That’s why I thought possibly relocating onto the Temples property because it might be cheaper then what I’m paying for this room. Yesterday I felt like getting out a bit. I was trying to get a hold of the local vet’s office who have several USDA certified veterinarians. Again there’s more specific requirements to visit a rabies-free location. The online appointment setter wasn’t working and I wanted to get to the library. I thought oh I’ll just walk on over and talk to them in person. So I headed to the library first. Instead of using the bus I went ahead and walked. There was a route that I hadn’t taken yet. It was about two miles away and took about an hour. I enjoy walking and there are a few locations that I saw were hiring. There was a cabinetry place that sounds interesting. I did some cabinetry for only about a month or so when I was visiting family in Hawaii one time when I was visiting. It was fun… there wasn’t much carpentry which I would’ve enjoyed more but mostly assembly. That’s something I had forgotten but the couple I was working for said they are getting an apartment ready for staff. They said if I ever wanted to come back and work for them… I could stay at their apartments. Hmmm…. I think I could actually get their contact information. My family owns the staffing agency which connected us together. I’d think they might have records of where I’ve worked and I’d be able to find their contact information. So that is a possibility. But the local city library is quaint and downtown strip which I hadn’t walked down yet. I tried to email them like a week ago to see how I can get a library card, but I never received a return email. I thought I’d have to try to charm them to get one… so I gave it a try. I didn’t have a lease or any utility bills to confirm my address. They asked if my license had my current address or if my bank has an updated address… I did not. I brought two of my labels of the deliveries I’ve been receiving with my care products. I said I’m a traveler and so it’s hard to verify my address. I’m just renting a room and the owner has everything in her name. I haven’t changed any of my bank addresses because I use my father’s permanent address because as I travel… things can always be sent to him and I’ll receive it. I told them honestly I’m probably only going to be here through the end of March so I can help volunteer for the Holli festival and then I’ll be heading out to Hawaii afterwards. That helped the situation out. I also said that I saw I could pay a $30 fee a six month membership. Is it ok if I just go ahead and do that? Well they said… people who pay those fees are people who aren’t living in the city limits. You do actually live in the city limits so you shouldn’t be charged. They agreed they’d give me a membership but they’ll have it expire at the end of March. I said thank you so much… I appreciate it. So… did I write why I want a library card specifically? Maybe I did but maybe not. Anyway I was recommended a Spanish language tool and there’s subscriptions involved. They have I think 70 or 90+ languages they offer. One can choose a single language subscription for around $9/ month… or unlimited languages for around $19/month. So I thought if I can get four months access to this program I’d save money by paying the 6month membership to the library which happens to be partnered with this language learning app. And possibly be able to have all 6 months access when I go to Hawaii. Now they gave me the temporary membership… I can get access for free for awhile and that sounds a bit better especially since I don’t know if I’m going to connect with the program yet. So far I’ve been on there for two nights and I think I will be enjoying it. We’ll see how it goes. I was going to the vet to setup an appointment and also I knew I was going to be volunteering today so I wanted to print out my character references to give to the wife. And I have old paperwork for Elvis to give the new office to update his shot information. Not it’s not a complete list… I have no clue where all of his original paperwork went. We lost it when we relocated from Colorado to Indiana last year. But it’s nice to show them that this isn’t our first rodeo. And again… we aren’t going to be long-term either. I had a little opportunity to speak with one of the girls in the library office about her and her families travels to Hawaii. She mostly goes to the outer islands… I’d love to go this next time I visit. I wanted to last time but things didn’t line up. But she’s a sweetheart and very bright. It was a joy to meet her. I also saw some family programs offered there that I brought the flyers home to see if the ladies here in the condo would like to do together. I haven’t said it to them yet, but I’m more of let’s do a fun experience as gifts instead of actual physical gifts. But we’ll see… I spoke to my roommate, the mom, and she kind of seemed dismissive about it all… so … I don’t think she’s interested. The first event is tomorrow; it’s a sing-a-long Muppet’s Christmas movie. I feel like I’ve seen it before but it’s not well in my memory to really confirm if I have or have not. But I thought that the six year old would love it… plus give both of them an opportunities to get out of the house together and meet some locals. Well… after I printed out the documents… I started walking to the vet’s office. I was getting a little hungry. I thought that most of the time there are some food trucks on the main drag road leading out of town… so I walked by to see if there is something to eat. There weren’t many options and I went ahead and tried savory crepes. I had a good conversation going with the owner’s husband who was dropping off dinner to his son who was working the truck. It was ok.. food wise but the conversation made it worth it. That’s really why I love food trucks.. normally home-cooked meals and the atmosphere leads to conversation with other guests if they’re around but also with the employees and get an idea of how they came to own a food truck and how well it works for them. They started this year so they’re fresh. They’re starting to have a steadier schedule. As I was finishing the savory crepe… I said my farewells and made it to the vet’s office. I spoke with one of the ladies and she asked what I was there for. I said my cat and I would be new clients. We are planning a return trip back to Hawaii. She made a face and apologized… she said they can do health certificates everywhere in the States that landlocked. They stopped doing Hawaiian health certificates because of the drawn out process. I understood, but I was wondering if they knew of a location close that I can go to. They didn’t know but said I could try the State Veterinarian. I haven’t heard of this… and when I looked it up the first thing that came up was Utah State University… and I don’t think that’s what she was trying to say. I looked up information at the USDA website and I believe I found the contact that might be able to help locate a vet who would be able to help us. I emailed three offices to see if they offer services for Hawaiian health certificates. One has responded today and said they are not taking on new clients. They referred another location. I haven’t contacted them. I’m waiting to see what the other two say. Right, I have to think about how to get to these appointments coming up. Already I’ll have to be taking the bus to get Elvis to the appointment. It’ll be over an hour on the bus and then we’ll have some walking involved as well. Right now it’s not too crazy snowy but it’s coming in this weekend whether it’ll stay or not. But anyway… it’s going to be tricky anyway. But since I haven’t been having a smooth interaction getting him an appointment… it feels like a red flag is becoming aware… why is there rejections going on with this? Rejection is our protection… but protection from the experience with the veterinarians? Or Hawaii? Yeah… today I feel like I’m rushing these plans a bit… so I’m trying to not make quick decisions about anything. Rent is due tomorrow and Elvis and I are going to stay here for another month. I’ve already planted seeds that we might be heading towards Hawaii soon… let her know I’m going to be leaving soon. Her ex-husband is coming for Christmas to visit their daughter and he’s bringing their cat too. So I guess the cat will be with us at the end of the month and possibly stay with them indefinitely… she was saying that she hopes Elvis and Snow get along together… but I know both of us have our own concerns. I thought maybe I should be relocated by mid month just to make it easier for everyone. But we’ll see. I’m getting tired so I want to get to the volunteer work today at the Temple. So we were filtering the bottom of the pond with a vacuum and sending it to the gardens. Before I started the wife was explaining to me why they do this. She first said they do this only once a year. There are 200 koi fish in the pond and they are in their hibernation phase until around March time. So they’re very slow moving and kind of sleeping at the bottom of the pond. During the year the pond collects sediment at the bottom. They have a fountain and a bubbler not necessarily to oxygenate the water but to help release the gases being created in the sediment. So for the overall health of their organic farming techniques the want to fertilize the gardens but also remove some of the sludge at the bottom so there’s less gas being created and stored in the water for months when the pond starts to freeze over. They continue the fountain and bubbler so it helps to allow opportunities for the gases to continue to release and makes it a safer and healthier environment for the koi. So… what’s there system of doing this? lol… its not a well oiled machine but it is what it is. First of all… we the volunteers could’ve used more communication of the attire that would have helped us be less wet and cold while doing this. I can’t say anything because I brought rain gear and didn’t even put it on because I thought I’d have time to do it before we really got started. They are in a hurry… lol.. there’s things to do and they do it and figure it out while they’re doing it.. hehe.. so it was entertaining how things played out. Not that anyone else was laughing… actually many were stressed and I felt I could’ve gotten that way myself but it was comical as well… so I tried to relax about it all. Three of us had experience with this and three of us did not. Five of us were doing the work while the wife supervised. So… they use a little canoe to place in the pond. There was ice except where the moving waters were. We tie rope to both ends of the canoe and we have people at the ropes moving the canoe around. We have oars but many have damaged them by breaking the ice. Instead of using the handle people would use the oar itself. We were breaking the ice and the our supervisor would suggest not to do this so we don’t disturb the fish. So we were trying to break the ice with people at the ropes pushing us through which worked for a little time but then our supervisor finally said that if we have to break the ice with our oars and shovel then that’s just what we’ll have to do… which we did. The hose from the pump down into the garden was short about three links so we had to go get more. We thought maybe we could try to put the pump on another little boat to gain some length for the actual nozzle of the filter to reach the center of the pond. Everyone remembers different things about each year. They thought the filter hose was longer and since it’s not that long what maybe eight feet… it wouldn’t reach the center. But if we could get the pump out closer to the center then we could. I thought why wouldn’t we just put the pump in the middle of the larger canoe? They thought it was too heavy and it would sink the canoe. The pump actually wasn’t too heavy I don’t even think a hundred and fifty pounds really. I mean it wasn’t too terribly large and when two of us were lifting and moving it… it wasn’t crazy heavy as well. But that was turned down. The supervisor thought maybe to use the smaller flotation device. I didn’t know but I thought maybe. The main helper who’s hired by the husband said there’s no way… hehe… he was right but the supervisor wanted to give it a try. We tied a wooden pallet and tried to center the pump. When we placed it into the water it was obviously not centered but since everyone was talking over each other and panicking we decided to just have it still on the bank and slightly on the flotation so it has maybe a foot extension then where it was originally… hehe… but again I was pretty entertained by it all. I started in the boat with the new volunteer who started doing community service about five days ago. He’s not the one who is originally from Mexico but another one. He has a bit of fear about water and so he did good at facing his fear and testing his comfort zone. Once he found out that the pond is only six feet tall in the center, then he felt much better. But even being on the canoe made him a bit squirmy. He thought the boat would be a metal boat with higher sides on it. We attached a used pole to the filter nozzle to be able to get it to the bottom and move it around but almost right when we got in to do it the pole bent. I said we’re going to have to use another pole but no… they’re busy and have to get things done. They said if it breaks it breaks… we’ll find something else to replace it. And so yes not long the pole broke. We did tie some rope to the nozzle so we could pull it from the bottom. The replacement was a metal pipe… which would’ve been great from the start… hehe.. and also again not much communication of the expectations of what we should be doing. We two newbies at this were trying to help and do our best, but when we did something they didn’t approve of we where then told what we should’ve done differently instead of guiding us on how to do it in the first place. So there’s a lot at the bottom and so it would get clogged fairly quickly so we have to use a wire brush to scrape it off. Water and sludge was everywhere. From almost the beginning my hands and feet were soaked and now my pants were getting wet pulling the nozzle in and out of the water. After awhile my feet and hands were hurting and so I asked to take a break… I said to use the restroom but really to warm up a bit. It was about 12:30pm and a lunch break would be nice. The husband’s worker wanted to continue but he thought it would only take another hour… but I’m glad we took a break because it took a little while over two hours and my appendages needed some tlc. I wasn’t the one who decided to take lunch.. the supervisor confirmed when I went inside to use the restroom. I didn’t think the guys knew what we were doing so I went out there to tell them to come and join us. I brought an extra set of gloves and shoes so I switched into them and I already mentioned that we can switch up positions when we return. Originally they said we were going to switch every 10 minutes, but that wasn’t happening. So I thought I was going to be a rope person… hehe.. but I got sent down to the garden where all the sludge was going. Again not knowing this position I’d be getting four times as wet as being inside the canoe… hehe… so my feet were warm for lunch only. So there were four quadrants of the garden. We did the top left one and the hose was situated for the top right one. We were to move to the bottom right and then to the last bottom left one. The top right where I started wasn’t bad. I had to watch the water to make sure it was muddy because that’s the good stuff. If it started running clear I was to call the supervisor to let them know to move the nozzle. Well… I snuck in a quick smoke break before the water started coming. For the most part things were fine. When I saw the first quadrant finished it looked like the mud was pretty much everywhere on the garden and so I was trying to do the same. But the hose wasn’t reaching all the areas. Again… I’m a newbie at this and so I thought I had to get it everywhere… hehe… that’s why I probably got much more wetter than the one before me doing this who’s done this before. It was time to move to the bottom right and so I was calling to have them turn the pump off and I can deal with the hose. Again… time seems to be pressing and the supervisor said… well you‘re going to have to move it while it going. These hoses are not light… even without water pumping through them. I chuckled and thought ok well let’s see. I started to move it and of course it wasn’t easy but there began to be a kink and holes started forming and water spraying out. Not drastically but they were not there before. I called again and said I’ll need the hose to be off or we’re going to break the equipment. They finally did but she was going to send the first one who was there to help me out. He’s priming and running the on/off switch for the pump. So yes, the pump was finally off. This hose is heavy… there’s still plants that stops the hose from sliding. It’s too long for the bottom right quadrant but it’s needed for the bottom left. I tried to move it but I also know they were going to get impatient so I decided I’ll just disconnect two links. As I was getting the links apart the water started rushing out of the hose and of course I got soaked… hehe… I tried to get out of the way and not too long after that the guy showed up. I told him what was being asked and said there’s no way I’d be able to do that with the water still pumping. He ok’d things and went back up. As we were doing the third section they called to say that it’s time for me to move to the last section. Again in my head I feel like I’ve got to get everything in that section. And finally I hear… it’s not necessary to get everything. We’re running out of time and if we can just get it in the center is fine. We’ll be tilling it anyway and everything gets mixed together … lol… well why in the hell are we going to all four sections then? Originally what I heard when we were setting it up was to get the hose into the center… and now I’m like… well why didn’t we just keep it in the center? It would be much easier to just let it flood it all there which will spread to each section, but it’s all going to get spread around anyway… hehe… but that’s what was asked and that’s what I did… however, I was doing too much. I’m getting a little more time with the wife and starting to get a better understanding of her management style… hehe… and I’m starting to understand why some of the regulars act the way they do around her. I’m not sure what to think about it all right now. She says things about what their beliefs are and most of the time I’m just listening and not responding. There are things I can agree with but then there are subtle things that I don’t. I wonder if I’ll be able to get the time to sit down and really have a conversation with her about spirituality? Again there’s a lot of upkeep at this property and so there’s a lot she feels responsible for. But I’m not certain there’s an interest to get to know each other on a deeper intimate level… mostly volunteer and boss relationship. She did ask me to remind her to not hurry. She’s injured herself because she’s hurrying around the property. That would be a great conversation to have is not to hurry… not just physically walking around in a hurry… but just the mentality of not hurrying. That’s why I notice that I’m trying to make plans that feel rushed. I notice this and I want to calm down and ground and ease into things a bit more. Again with looking for another job for income… that kind of puts a bit of pressure on my chest… which shouldn’t really be there anymore. But I notice it. I’ve got enough money to pay for at least two months rent and groceries. That’s pretty decent and I don’t have to feel so crazy rushed to find a position. That’s the thing I know it’s going to be hard to find a position that I’m going to be happy with… hehe… it’s challenging for me to work for anyone. They have to be pretty special I guess.. hehe… Ideally I’d be doing what I want…getting to know people.. planting seeds… paying to learn interesting skills… volunteering with projects which interests me… and travel as I want. I feel like I’m going through financial hurdles a bit here is to remind me how much I enjoy the random conversation and situations I run into say riding the bus. If I had my own car… it would be easy to be more disconnected with the location I’m at and not much exploration going on… well in a different way of exploring the people. I’d like to think more about this… This is probably what I should do next time… instead of the account of the day… see if I can purge my random thoughts to see if there’s something right in front of me that I’m missing. Well I’ll go ahead and get off here. I’ll attach my character references… I loved my employer’s one… he kept it casual, a bit of humor, and straight to the point. I asked my pops to do one since he’s my soundboard. I know we’re not supposed to ask family but who cares… it’s volunteer character reference… I think hearing what my dad thinks about me isn’t a bad thing. I can actually go into detail about each one and the people who wrote them, but I’m getting pretty tired. I’ll go ahead an attach them though. I also wanted to attach the email I sent to the Utah labor unit. My check did clear and so I wanted to let them know I got paid mostly. I was a bit implicit trying to see their opinion of how things went down. Curious how Reality wants to play this out. Is it going to easily close? Or is there going to be more to the story? Alright this is good for now… until next time

Well… this morning went like I thought it might. And I’m actually thankful to not have to continue to deal with my neighbor. So I got up early and was walking towards the bus stop when a middle school teacher pulled over to give me a ride a little closer than where I was. She was afraid she might be late so she dropped me off at the grocery store at the intersection where she wanted to turn right and I wanted to go left. I told her thank you and it’s fine because it’ll only be a five-ten minute walk and I’ll have to wait until someone arrives anyway. She said well maybe it would’ve been better off to let me do my thing. I said no… I appreciate it and she helps encourage me that there are friendly folks here in Utah. So I got to the shop before people arrived, but they arrived shortly after I did. We all seemed to be friendly. The two office girls came together, my neighbor and his oldest son who comes to work since he got expelled the day before I started here… and even the retired gentleman was there with us. I feel like he wanted to protect me for some reason. We had a brief chat while I was taking off my coat and pulling out my notebook. He asked if I was working today? I said well we’ll see how it goes. I need to talk to my neighbor so we’ll see if we can come up with an agreement. I had to grab my neighbors attention and asked him if he had time to discuss payment. He asked… didn’t the girls talk to me about it? I said they said for me to bring in my identification, but I don’t know what my pay rate is yet. I started to pull out my employment agreement. I said there are a few things I want to know so we know how things are gong to move forward. I actually had the wage claim sticking out the top but not too noticeable. I was going to see if he’d notice it. But he didn’t. He said well he starts apprentices at $12/hour. So I wrote that on the agreement. I said I heard we get paid on the 5th and the 20th, is that correct? He said yes unless it falls on a weekend then the next business day. Alright… do you pay overtime hours. He said no all the hours are at $12/hour. I wrote no overtime pay. And I asked if there is any holidays which would be asked to work. He said no but he’s usually there if we want the extra hours. So I wrote that down as well. I said I have room on here to put any other information. Do you have any requirements for me as an employee? He was saying how he expects us to be working. If we aren’t working then he wants us to clock out. He was implying that he and the young technician are really the only ones who are always working. And the office girls too. I helped him out and asked that any cleaning or organization wouldn’t be considered work that you’d like to pay for. He said yes. He said it’s nice to have it clean but it’s not necessary. I said, I understand… is there anything else? He didn’t really have anything else to say. I signed and dated the agreement and I gave it to him for him to sign. I aske him if he’s willing to sign this agreement. He said I don’t sign agreements. In Utah it’s not required to have an agreement. I said well it’s not required but it still can be done. Is there something on here that you want to change. Well he said you were the one that wrote this. I said do you want to write it out? And he said the girls probably have something in the office. He said but yeah signing this doesn’t help him and I said yes that might be correct, but this agreement is going to help me out. It’s taken over two weeks to get you to agree to pay me and the details about it. He said he’s not going to sign it. And that’s when I said, Neighbor, I don’t trust you’re willing to pay me and so I’m making sure the hours I work I’ll get compensated. I have filed a wage claim with Utah’s Labor Department. And oh my… he was like… what the hell? You filed this already? Get out of here… he yelled to the girls in the front… pay her and get her out of here. He started walking towards the office. I said , neighbor, I just want to make sure I get paid. I already asked if I get my compensation, it’s not hard to close the claim. I followed him into the office. I said I’m friendly, but I’m not an idiot. He was a bit heightened in intensity and I could feel my body was mirroring but I consciously breathing slowly and stayed calm. He was saying he couldn’t believe I filed so quickly. I said I tried to get you to acknowledge that you were going to talk to me about payment, and you didn’t. He said well it was a holiday weekend… it was only a few days of not responding. I said it’s been over two weeks of working you where you haven’t addressed it, and then the weekend you still didn’t respond. Everyone got paid last Monday, except for me. He started saying how busy he was with his kids and I should know how much it is for him to handle. I interrupted him by saying, sorry neighbor, but you have many excuses regarding your family. All I needed was a brief message letting me know you were going to discuss this with me.. He started saying… well there is no way that I wouldn’t pay someone who has worked for me. I looked at him and said I do not know this about you. And that actually stopped our conversation. He walked away back into the shop. I sat down on the stool at the counter and one of the girls handed me the W4 and I-9 forms for me to fill out. I filled them out and gave them my identifications. It was taking a little while to enter the information in the computer. A customer came in… I had spoken with him on my last day there… he walked in with a smile and said Talofa! I smiled back and said Talofa Lava! He spent time in Hawaii and learned some Samoan words. He’s a very nice gentleman and so we sat together and talked while I was waiting to get my check. He’s in the construction industry but he hires subcontractors and they’re looking for experienced workers. I had to give it a try… you never know who can give you the lead for the next opportunity. The office girl had a paper for me to sign that I got paid $300 already and it has been deducted from my check. I didn’t hesitate to sign, because that’s not a problem and it was true. I already said that in my wage claim as well. It shouldn’t be a big issue to sign agreements and statements if we aren’t hiding anything or looking to do something shady. I said my goodbyes to the customer and the office ladies. And I walked out feeling like a huge weight off my shoulders. I went ahead and walked all the way back to the our place, but I stopped to pick up some toilet paper…. I walked by this gas station which is really close to where I live and the owner was the first person to give me a ride. He said I should stop by to say hi sometime. So I wanted to see if he was there. The manager said he works the graveyard shift. So he actually should be there now until 6 am. I almost forgot that I wanted to go and visit him. But I thought I’d go ahead and write in the Journal before I head off. I didn’t do much today… mostly relaxed. I did speak with the retired gentleman… he said he was going to give me a ride. I said I wanted to walk and it was ok. I guess he has meeting in the morning with business owners and he’s going to see if anyone is looking for help. So I guess he’s going to let me know if there’s something there. But ultimately we’ll have a gig together on the 16th at a catering gig in a library. I soaked for maybe two hours… hehe… I love soaking and it really releases any tension in my body that I’m not aware is tensing up. My family in Hawaii called me again today. I forgot to mention that I spoke with them yesterday. They are wanting me to move to Hawaii with them. My mom has been having issues… she had a hard fall about a month ago. I spoke with her when I found out through a facebook post. But my younger brother is also in the hospital. He’s on the extreme side of obesity and he’s finally ready to start getting help to see if he can get in shape to breathe easier and able to move easier. I think he wants me to come more than anyone else, and damn it.. if it was easier to live in Hawaii… I’d like to spend time with him because… I know we’d work together well. But the first thing is… my cat is not allowed to stay at their place. My mom doesn’t like animals or pets. When I went last time for my stepdad’s funeral.. I was hoping to move there for awhile to help out, but she pretty much wanted my to get rid of Elvis and there was no way I was going to do that. And I know there’s no change of heart now either. She said I can get a nice outside house for him… and i chuckled and said he’s an indoor cat who sometimes spends time outside. And Elvis is a very close family member of mine and I’m not going to leave him behind. So if I don’t live with them… I’ll have to find a place myself in Hawaii with a cat. Again last time I was trying to move there and it was not easy at all to find things. Now granted I had my dad who showed up which seemed to make things harder. And it’s been almost three years since the last time I was there… so I know I’m a different person and I’ve gained more confidence. But I told them I was planning on visiting on my way to Nepal… I wasn’t planning on moving there. I just moved to Utah and I’m trying to see if I can get things figured out here. I didn’t tell them, but it’ll take a few months for me to even get Elvis ready to be flying to Hawaii… and mostly I wanted to visit my buddy on the big island more than visiting them… hehe… sounds bad, but I haven’t really explored Hawaii the way I’d like to. I’d go absolutely crazy if I lived with my mom. Love her, but no way will I move in with her at this time. The only thing in my mind is one message I received when I first got back to the States. I was sleeping and I woke up saying Hawaii. so I know it’s been in my radar… that’s probably why it was on my route out to Nepal as well. I had looked into moving while I was in my year ashram time with my pops… so it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I told them I’ll have to have time to think about it. They are wanting to move quickly. I tried to get them to figure out how they need to break the lease responsibly and also not move in too quickly that they have to pay all these costs all at once. But they are all pretty stubborn… and I know they’re going to do whatever they want. Their current location has steps going up to the house plus the bedrooms are upstairs. They want to find a ranch style home on the ground level. They want to make it easier for my little bro. He’s feeling better now that he’s in the hospital. He said that he’s breathing better and feeling more awake during the day. He’s been speaking with a psychologist, nutritionist, and physical therapist. It’s really great news and he seems like he’s willing to listen to them. We believe he’ll be in there for awhile so they can get him started in a consistent manner to give him direction of the changes he’s going to be making. I’m so thankful he’s done the first step… he’s asked for help! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my mom for years… there’s no way to force him to change if he doesn’t want to. She would think trying to guilt him or embarrass him would motivate him to want to change… she definitely means well but doesn’t know any other options. She doesn’t know how to express herself but she’s been improving over the years. My brother and sister in Hawaii want me to move in…they know that I’m just as strong as she is but I’m still very different than what they’re used to as well. So it’s a back and forth whether I should be there or not. Man… I’m not sure… hmmm… Does Hawaii have a Krishna temple? I just thought of that… maybe they do. So, yes, they do in Honolulu. Hmm… that could be a way for me to find a place to stay and work possibly? I’ll have to stay here for awhile anyway because of Elvis and his shots to get proof of strong rabies vaccine before admitted into Hawaii. Maybe if I can get some type of agreement with this temple and let them know I’d be interested in possibly visiting the Hawaiian one as well to start getting communications with them? I don’t know… it’s something to explore. I was going to go ahead and visit the temple tomorrow and volunteer. I don’t know when they’re going to suck up the sludge at the bottom of the pond, but I’m sure there’s plenty other options once I get there. I have four character referrals now and I might go ahead and show them to the wife. I think I’ll try to find an agreement for the rental. My roommate is planning on getting her cat back at the end of December… I’m uncertain how well Elvis and Snow will get along. They both are not friendly to other cats. Maybe I can talk to my roommate that I might just stay another two weeks and try to move-in to the temple rentals. Things are open and up in the air. Let’s see how things play out. Ok… I think I’m going to go ahead and get off of here and walk to chat with the gas station owner. I’m thinking he might have references. Shoot even if I work there for a little while will be good enough for me. I know the location he lives he would be driving right by the temple too. Hmm… never thought about working at a gas station before… hehe… who knows… we’ll see. Alright have a good one. Until next time…