withinUverse

Ok… I cannot stop expanding on this urban community design… today I had to restart the project because when I first started I was thinking quite small and I can’t stop and I don’t want to stop the expansive ideas I keep getting and so I was like… I didn’t have this when I started and I kept on getting restricted on the original design… so I started over. As I was rethinking what I would actually like to build… first of all… I’ve been wanting to build for most of my life and I”ve done some construction projects in Colorado in the small village but these were remodeling projects and I didn’t get a chance to design… I was the master carpenter’s helper… so I was just following instructions which is where I needed to be without knowing how to use tools and no idea of what the design was…. But what if I had my own project… well I’d do it to the best of my abilities and go big… what’s the point of going small? won’t have much potential to grow… if I go large then I’ll have more benefits to gain from. So yeah… it’s so fun to allow my creativity to explore.. there are so many ideas I’m having and I know I”m just starting. But I also know I want this to be a Platinum LEED certified building. Again why shoot for small… if I know at the beginning I want this certification… then I can design this into the plans. I have a few friends who are or were builders… my buddy I stay with in Colorado he did this for decades and I got a chance to text him tonight. He was going to hangout with neighbors so we didn’t get a chance to actually chat but what I told him… he was excited to check the project out… he hasn’t done this for awhile. He’s had a few businesses and he was a restaurant/bar owner the last one before he retired which is when we met a few years back. But he said he likes checking out projects like this… so I’ve got many questions… I’m hoping he can trigger areas I haven’t thought of right now. So… now that I know I’m going to be going into the ground and also having some floors above ground… I’m also looking at the construction materials I’d like to do from a sustainable aspect. There’s ICF that doesn’t use foam and has some great qualities for me in particular there’s a great noise reduction… they’ve used this even in between railways to reduce the noise which says seems to really quite the sound… I want the sound studio part of the design and don’t want to disturb the neighbors and also be able to record with fewer issues of noise. Plus just the comfort of the occupants in the space… I’d like it to be a relatively quiet environment… but in the studio it can resonate with great sound. I’m doing the dance studio where I’ve always wanted to make sure I add in floating floors… and I”m wondering why I wouldn’t place this in areas that the occupants would be using too… anti fatigue so easy on the joints… most of these ideas I feel I could design and build without having to hire installers… we’ll see… but there’s a lot of projects that I’m looking at that seems it would be awesome to build them myself… I’ve already thought about furniture designs too… it’s crazy how macro and micro my mind is getting in this design… so much so it goes from one thing to another… I cannot stop… and I’m trying not to fixate on one project since I’m trying to do the macro… but I cannot wait to get to the micro too… I”m going to be personalizing every little detail. I mean I’m even plotting out the size of a 3 ton excavator and figuring out the path it should be taking on the land so it has less damage to the ground and where to place it waiting for further use of the dirt. I met a buddy who was interested in ceremony last time I was here from my home town who has his own excavator and does large machinery for his job. I don’t think the excavator he owns is going to be big enough to dig as deep as I’d like… but I”m sure he has a network to ask for help. So yeah this time it’s getting much more detailed… even the different types of concrete I want to use which there are several… but especially for basements I’m leaning on pouring the microfiber cement into the ICF blocks. Again I haven’t check all the options but I’m gathering a ton of information. I’m really wanting this to be an education center and I’ve been telling myself I want to easily access these processes and also able to show people what’s going on below the surface. So I’m going to be building underground corridors where I’ll have water filtration systems for gray and hopefully black water systems… which again I see above ground in plastic containers and some place them under decks… but I’m hoping to design it in a way where it looks like and somewhat underground, but there will be access from underneathe to service or repair any damage. And if we need to replace the material… we’d be able to do this. I mean I’m thinking in these corridors I’ll mount shelving with most likely supplies that would be needed to maintenance the project. And adding a library ladder to roll to the different filtration stations… which again since they are underground… I want to spread them out so aesthetically it can be designed to be more pleasing and natural when experiencing above the surface. I”m hoping to be able to rotate this water and so I’d be able to grade the land in different directions to help with gravity feeding. And ability to irrigate the lawn. I was looking at google earth again and I started to look at the trees outside of the yard in the neighbors yard… and it started to change my ideas of location for bedrooms especially on the upper floors… there is a lot of tree coverage in one spot… and I think I’d like our bedrooms there… we can have windows but have the trees be beautiful to see but also some privacy. There’s a part of the backyard that hardly has any trees and is quite open and I’ve been looking into green roof designs… and I’m thinking of adding a second story intensive green roof in that spot and go ahead and get mature trees to get some immediate private in this corner of the land. Oh… and there’s a huge privacy fence surrounding the property… I was looking at the neighbors yards and I think in some spots I”ll keep a fence probably made of stone of some type with plants… plant wall or something… but it’s also the area where I plan on having a drum circle area so again help reduce the noise from getting to the neighbors. Unfortunately I don’t want to enclose the drum circle so I’ll just have to be neighborly and talk with the neighbors to see what’s appropriate for them. But normally I’m not a fence type of person. I mean I”m more of a everybody’s welcome… and it makes the space look larger than it is if we can see the other yards as an extension to ours. But I also see that most of the neighborhood has fences so I guess I want to have some creative fences… some that I can draw a design and cut out so some privacy and some air and sun flow… but also to express this personality of creativity here. There’s one fence design that I saw that I really enjoyed. It was made of these thin sheets of metal in small strips that were placed with about 8” gaps in between them. It made a really cool visual effect and I love that idea. But again as I’m thinking about the neighbors and also the guests here… who might want the more privacy thing.. I’m thinking of having those vertical strips in some type of material… but placing them on a turntable so it can be opened or closed depending on someone’s preference. There’s a neighbor who’s pretty close to the yard and has a fire pit there… so yeah if they have guests over and they don’t want to be social… they can walk up to the fence and close them fairly easy to get their privacy. Because it rotates it can be accessed from both sides. I’m thinking of the LEED certification… I’m wondering if we’d get points if a lot of the projects are made by ourselves and not being bought and shipped to us? I”m not exactly sure what they all consider but they do have a team that helps through the entire process from planning and building. I’d like to hear what they consider important. I’m hoping to create more green spaces than what’s there now. I mean it has quite a bit and I’m going to be building but that’s why the green roofs… and with the temporary residents especially the wwoofing community I want to have projects they can be involved with… so of course fruits and vegetables… of my goodness I absolutely love fruit and so does my dad… and so I’m thinking of planting several fruit trees probably in the front yard so it can be a neighborhood thing… they might not care to take care of them… but when it’s time to eat them I’m sure everyone would be interested in that. But I was also thinking of storage and with my pops building a “root cellar”… hehe… I’d like to have a root cellar as well. But since a lot of the food being grown is going to be on the upper floors then I’m looking at root cellar designs for this. Which also plays in the weight of the foundation can hold up… again which is great that we’re thinking about this now in the planning phases… because one of my ideas is a cob cellar… I’ve always found cob interesting because of the organic shapes it can make. I don’t think I can get approval for a large cob structure… but starting off with smaller structures should be approved. I believe I mentioned the cob stove/fire pit that might go into a natural floor heating system… but a cob refrigerator root cellar would be cool too… and this could be where we store produce… but also it can be use for the occupants closer to their bedroom quarters? Thres’ many factors in play to designing this which I won’t go into right now but the necessity of storing fruits separate from the vegetables because of the gases they omit is something to think about and possibly areas where it can store regular fridge items could be separate too? There’s just so much I cannot even think about all the things I wanted to write about… oh obviously this is going to be a smart home design… having technology assist in energy efficiency, comfortability of guests and residents… automation in as many areas with sensors recording the data… to who is on property using keypads or cards… there’s so much and I’m so excited to design this project. Crazy how it didn’t arise until I was on my hands and knees at a home scrapping off paint and glue from the new floors… hehe… There’s going to be a few similarities from the original design I started maybe but I’m switching some stuff up definitely. I”m pretty sure I’ll be able to remove the necessary parts of the roof to add upper floors about the existing structure… and any materials we remove we’ll be able to use somewhere else. I”m hoping to talk to my buddy soon to see what his opinion is of this… and if it’s best to just add to the original foundation for more strength… he doesn’t have anymore contacts for structural engineers but he’s done several projects so he can give me an idea. We’re going to be digging around the entire perimeter of the original structure so I feel it’s definitely doable. If we have to go around the foundation in areas I’m cool with that too… it’s underground… hehe… so it won’t be an eyesore and again might be an option for someone in the future and see how well it works. I cannot stand the hvac system with the heat coming from the ceiling… I’ve been thinking about this and possibly adding the exterior mass around the existing home might help. Hell placing fans or something to help distribute the heat downwards temporarily might also help… but I’m half tempted to put in another system below the existing home for the ground floor and then the original system will be used for the upper floors… so I am still using the system but making it more affective. lol… I keep getting messages to rest and it’s so hard for me when I’ve got my mind set on a project. But yeah… I just wanted to jot some ideas down on here tonight… well I guess it’s the morning… the clock just changed to 2:22am… so yeah… I’ll rest… tomorrow is solstice… I had an invitation to go to an all-night drum circle and I’m still wondering if I’m going to go or not. I don’t have a drum of my own but I think I can get one to use possibly. I couldn’t convince anyone I know from this area who drums to join me…but the people hosting the event down south… I can think of one guy the hubby/chef/musician who started the drum circle around the fire where I started to hear music connecting the beats… he’d be the one I’d ask. Geesh… I should go… I know I’d like to… it’s just supposed to be in what the lows of 24 degrees and I know we’ll be drumming so I shouldn’t get cold… but I get in moods where I make excuses especially since I’m really into this project. So I know I can sit here for days on end thinking more and more about ideas… but it’s much healthier for me to get out at times… socialize and do things I enjoy. i know I want to spend more time with him and his wife… and hopefully meet there kiddos. So yeah I’ll reach out tomorrow and see what happens. There’s many things that are playing out and entangling lately not just this project so I’ll get myself out there. Ok… good night everyone… until next time… enjoy!

Alright… It’s been over a week and I’ve been getting in some good alone time and getting some more clarity on my situation right now. Mostly I’ve been in my own little world of designing an urban community but I’m not going to start there. I’m going to start with romantic relationships. I think it’s going to be pretty funny if people have been reading this and has seen me before I seen myself.. but that does seem to be the case at times… it takes me a while to see myself. In this case I knew who and what I wanted but I guess I had to have a direct experience of what I didn’t want to make sure to confirm what I am really looking for and found. So what am I really looking for in a romantic relationship? As much as I have the love to have the capacity to love multiple partners… I’m not really looking for that. I want to be monogamous and I don’t want second best I want the whole enchilada. I want the ultimate romantic lover. I want to be able to share everything with this partner and compliment each other through thick and thin. There’s no denying my connection and attraction to this amazing man who lives in Australia. Our relationship has been complicated however it’s been the most rewarding learning experience for me to push myself to my fullest potential. And I have more to grow into and regardless of how he is in my life… I’ll continue to expand my potential. Of course ideally I’d love for him to be by my side with reciprocity, openness and vulnerability. This will come and I’m not sure when or how but I trust it’s already in the works. I only started looking for dates is because he wasn’t ready for this type of relationship with me. So I was thinking I would be able to look for a second best relationship. If I wasn’t able to have the top of the list at the time I wanted it, then I’ll just move down the list… even though I really didn’t have a list… I was just hoping I would get guidance. I found myself in crazy situations in the last two months by returning to Indiana… but with these experiences I was trying to tell myself that this is ok… but this is when I wanted to be polyamorous. Because I knew there was no way that I’d find anyone who would take the place of the Australian. But I thought that I could share romantic intimacy with people who were other than him… and going through these situations… and through time for contemplation… I don’t want these crazy relationships… I mean… I want a crazy relationship but I want it with one and only one man. I’m fine to going back to a celibate lifestyle to wait for the best. lol… I had two sexual encounters and that’s all I needed to know that this isn’t what I really want. I wasn’t really comfortable but I was trying to be bold and try new things and was hopeful. But that doesn’t mean I have to be in that state longer than necessary. If I realize this isn’t my cup of tea… then I don’t have to keep trying to force something that just isn’t there. As much as I try to ignore my feelings for the Australian… it’s just exhausting to do this. His presence is there and I don’t want to ignore this… I cannot help but think of him as I’m making decisions. We do not have a continuous line of communication at this time… so many times I’m must using my visions, intuition, and guidance to get me a better idea of where I have to go in life to be able to attract him into my life. And I guess this is where my urban community design starts to come into play. The last time I wrote in this Journal I was going to help my buddy clean up a remodeling job he’s been working on. Well…. I went and I was cleaning. I didn’t have WiFi so I was in silence most of the time in this space. As I was cleaning… I started to think about the possibility of him coming to visit me. I was thinking I was going to be looking for a mobile home and just travel with my little fur buddy and have this be my home because I didn’t think of the Ozzie being physically present in my life anytime soon. I mean I thought I had to get to Nepal before I’d have the chance to see him again. I’m questioning this… I feel like it doesn’t have to be the case. Now doesn’t mean that my visions are wrong… that’s not how they work… it’s speaking to me in a manner that my consciousness understands… and it motivated me to take steps in my life that I didn’t know I needed. Being grounded is the huge insights that I’ve been embodying. Grounding and stability for a strong foundation. There are so many dreams I’m wanting to create and without this grounding and stability… it will all remain talk and dreams… I’m not satisfied with this… My dreams are going to come into Reality. So I’m going to continue to be aware to stay grounded and also build more stability in my life. Now… granted this Australian is the epitome of groundedness and stability which is very attractive to me. But I want to embody this more in myself as well… I want to be complimentary but I don’t want to rely on someone else. I want to rely on myself and have complimentary relationships. He might have much easier aspects for him to be more grounded and stable than myself.. but there are so many benefits for me to be more on the airiness I easily embody. If I was to use the elements I could possibly rate my aspects from ethereal to air to fire to water to earth. I feel like when I speak with people in my life… they might not rate me in this manner though… depending on who they are will depend on how much I show myself to them. So let’s say it’s a stranger who doesn’t really know me well… they might actually assume I’m fire and earth to air to water to ethereal… they probably see much more confidence and passionate about my life. Water and earth are my elements that I’m working on. Again which is funny because many see so much water and earth in me but again it’s hard to see it within myself. I express my emotions but I also want to tame my emotions with a dial of appropriateness… i tend to be more on the fiery side so my emotions can be in bouts of emotions… and I’d like to express my emotions in a more grounded manner… and I can see this happening so I’m glad I’m more aware of what I’m looking to create in myself. That groundedness that earth element has been key to balance. Yes I had degrees of this already… but the dreams I have are huge and so the necessity to increase my earth was desired. So I started to look at the possibility of having this man come into my life. Well… let’s just see what I would consider his elements would be… again this is just my opinion with the limited time of communication… just my feelings… I could consider him earth to air to ethereal to fire to water. He’s stable and routined… he’s extremely intelligent and creative… he practices Zen Buddhism but doesn’t consider this a spiritual practice and he has passion but the mind and stability holds him back to pursue his passions fully and because of our limited communication I’m assuming that his emotional side is something he hasn’t fully embodied at this time. It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions… we are motivated by emotions… but the ability to express emotions with absolute vulnerability… because again he’s so earthy… if it’s not logical or practical then denying emotions is more easily stunted. So as I was cleaning I started to ponder on the possibility of having him come and visit. He’s a gentle giant. So cramped spaces isn’t the ideal space that I would like to host him in… so even though I think he would enjoy the mobile home… it would be only for a very temporary situation. He wouldn’t want to stay in this space for long periods of time…. Times of vacation and adventure… but not all of the time. I don’t either… I would use the mobile home idea but I knew I would be visiting people and communities so I’d have more space and for some reason a permanent location does seem to add to stability for me. But I’m also ok staying with my pops for now with my cat… but again… if he was to come and visit me… this would not be a location for him to visit either. There’s absolutely no way I’d feel comfortable asking him to visit me there. I can barely live there but I love my dad and I don’t mind the way he lives because again I know it’s a temporary situation… and so I was like… holy shit… am I looking for a home? If groundedness and stability is something I want more of to be a foundation and container for my creativity to flourish… then yeah… having a home could do this. I was quite surprised that I was considering a home in Indiana as well… I’m not sure why it’s so surprising because this has been the only location that I really lived in a home style living. I had an apartment in Arizona way back in the day and for a season in Colorado… but it wasn’t really a home… it was a location to put my things and do activities but it wasn’t really homey. But I do feel like home when I come to Indiana. And even though I don’t think this will be my one and only permanent home… I could definitely choose this as one of the locations I’d like to have a home. I’ve always said everyone underestimates Indiana and even I was. There are so many amazing people I find here every time I visit… I love the people I meet here and Indianapolis is a small/large city. Most of it is residence but there are some really cool aspects about Indy that I love. I was at this location and I was surprised how this home is very confidently located… it has the potential to get anywhere in the city quickly through traveling with a car, public transportation, or biking. It’s only a few blocks away from a main road, but once we get into this neighborhood… it has a neighborhoodly feel to it… it’s close to White River and I love that so you have these huge old homes along the river and I guess the Yacht club isn’t far from this location where we can put in a boat or canoes to float down the river which is really fun. The neighborhood that this house lies is mostly ranch working class homes. It does seem a bit overcrowded… but it doesn’t bother me much. This space started inspiring me to design what would I do with this location. At first it looked like I was just designing a home to live in with my cat and having a second bedroom for guests… but I started to realize this isn’t going to only be for me… I won’t be here all the time.. so I want this to be more for temporary people needing a place in transitions… but then my entire personality started to come out… I started to ask myself about looking for communities who I want to work with. I keep finding that most aren’t really ready for any of my input… and honestly it’s valid because… I haven’t had my own community yet… and so I was like… who is ready to work with me? I’m ready to work with myself… hehe… so I started to think that this will be a urban community design. I’ve been wanting to design communities forever… and I thought that a city design would be my final project in this body… and maybe that is the case… but what am I waiting for? why not start the process by building now and learn from it… I don’t have to have a one time huge project as the final compilation of life experience… I can have some to several projects that will continue to expand my knowledge and understanding… where each project will know areas I didn’t know when I first begin. And I love diversity… so I wanted to travel the world to different communities with different land conditions and see solutions. Again… why not start on land that I know better than any other land. I’m sure there’s so many challenges that I don’t know about this land… but I want to know. I want to use solutions but also find alternative solutions. I want to design this community to the best of my abilities now but I also want it to be a research project to allow the community to make changes to see if there are solutions that are better. I haven’t designed a plan in a while and it’s awesome… I absolutely love doing this and I forgot that. But I also see that it continues to change because I keep thinking bigger and more expansive and wholistic. I really would love to design a community that is a caretaker for the community that lives in it. It will have to be a symbiotic relationship… if the community has direction and inspiration then the care they give to the space the space will be designed in return to care for the community. So I know this urban community design is going to be a sore thumb in this neighborhood… but I’m ok with starting a movement then following the crowd… be an example instead of the herd. I was speaking with the main carpenter and he’s been in this neighborhood for forty years and he was stunting the owners plans. The owner has several properties and wanted to add much more to the property and he said that she should look around and see what kind of neighborhood this is… he said this is more of a redneck area of the city. So doing all these upgrades… no one will want to move into this neighborhood with those amenities… this is where I don’t agree. In fact… I love the practicality and ingenuity rednecks have… they want something they’re going to find a way to get it done with the supplies they have. They’re resilient and I respect this. My small town could be considered a redneck town and I love the people. I’ve got tendencies myself… I’m from Indiana… so hillbilly life isn’t something that is foreign to us… and actually something we embrace… hehe. It’s also funny to me because I was telling him where I’m from and he was surprised because I’m not who you would think would be created from the environment… hehe…. Our town is known for a slower acceptance of race in particular… and how in the world does someone with a mixed race who embraces all come from this environment? He said that this was the last location that the black panthers had a parade… so I guess I found another location that is slower in the acceptance of race but because it’s in a city… it’s evolved faster than my small town. But anyway… this urban community will welcome it’s neighbors… I’d love to have the people share the vicinity with the space to get the opportunity to enjoy the space. I hope to also give opportunities for people to experience things they wouldn't because of finances. I”m also really interested in travel people from the States and globally… so the couchsurfers, wwoofers, and workawayers are all welcomed. And the rural community that I was looking at first doesn’t allow travelers convenience and culture as much as an urban one. It would not be challenging to find transportation and diversity when located in a city. I just checked and someone coming from the International Airport could get to our spot in 2 hours and 16 minutes… which isn’t terrible for public transportation. Well… since I travel to different destinations… I wouldn’t think this is terrible… hehe… I’d think it’s pretty awesome that it only takes two buses to get there. The first would stop downtown and I could walk around the city and check it out before hitting the second bus to the community. If they were to drive from the airport? 40 minutes without rush hour traffic…. Again doable. I’d like to have a vehicle available for guests alone with bikes and such for people to use. But anyway… I want this to be a safe space for people to come and enjoy themselves. I’ve been thinking about not being here all the time and knowing I don’t want vacant spots so of course I”m thinking of some type of airbnb opportunities to. I was thinking the living quarters I would be living in. And since I cannot help but include myself without my Aussie dream boat… it would be our living quarters we would rent out when we are not there. There are going to be housing where it will be designed for longer stays compared to temporary stays… so the temporary stays are for those workawayers, wwoofers, and Couchsurfer…. I don’t think I want to have airbnbers there. Most of this isn’t going to be paid to live there… but if I do want people to pay and stay…. Then I’d like to open it up to our space which is going to be a bit more isolated in a sense from the activities that are going on in the space. I mean everything is inclusive but this area does seem to be more private. I plan on designing this area would also be connected to my dads space… so if someone is going to be sharing a space with my pops… then hopefully having a nominal fee would selectively choose occupants to respect the space and the people involved in this community. In this home… it was a trainwreck which I did see pictures so I agree there was a lot of work to be done. And they did their best with the budget they allowed for the space. So I like the idea of keeping its roots. I’m going to keep the original home mostly like it is… I’m going to be changing the space so it’s handicap accessible however, and it’s a quirky design so I wanted to design it to be more useful. But there’s is quite a bit of land… I mean it’s not a ton, but it’s got ample land. I don’t know the foundational structure of the original house is… So I don’t know how much higher I could go on it’s foundation… but if I build around this home… I can know exactly about the foundation and I can go high and low. As I’m going high I’m also thinking that the roof of the original home will have to go and altered… Adding a complex around this home will alter the way we want the water to move around the space. I also feel like the original design has given opportunities to connect to the new foundation over the original house and make sure it’s still strong and possibly add more space to the second or third floor… hehe… I don’t know exactly how high the roof is and the construction… but it’s in my awareness to consider. I like to keep elements but I’m not opposed to removing elements as well. I love ecovillage designs where we can grow food and water harvesting… so even though I am going to be removing usable land space where buildings are going… I want to add land to alternative floors… I see these things are possible and I want to explore this more especially for urban designs. This is also why it’s become a three level design… I didn’t want to take over all the land… so having a smaller footprint on the land but also increasing interior space by going up. There’s definitely elevators and freight lifts… it’s a combination of commercial and residential. Obviously there’s stairs as well so we aren’t reliant on the elevators but this can all be considered in the planning phases. I really want to look at the water harvesting and storing properties… this is something I want to learn more of and I’d love to use permaculture ideas… I love the Earthships in many ways but also not in all ways… but I want to incorporate some ideas. That’s the thing as I design there are many areas that I know a little about but I”d love to go and collaborate with people who have far more experience than I do. I’d love to see the space have water purifying and recycling and collecting as much as possible. I’m not sure how I’m going to get the building code approvals from the designs I want to create.. but I think keeping the original house will help assist in this manner… so I’ll have what we already do and acceptable… but hope to convince them that we are trying to study and try approaches that were prior to modernity but also more innovative then modernity… hehe… As an example… I’m not sure I”m finished exploring this… but when I was designing a camper… there was camper that said they would be willing to custom their campers…and I took this literally… keeping it’s original design essence but also adding more to what I would like in my camper. It’s designed as a weekend camper but when I thought it was going to be my home then it lead to water storage. There’s empty space where it could become a storage tank… and the addition of a roof design where rainwater could be used to capture and more this water into these storage tanks and filter out the water… so anyway… having fresh water and a lot of it would be something I would want in my camper… hehe… mostly came from the desire to have a tub with me in my camper… hehe… having enough water to make a bath from time to time would be a desire I’d like to have… hehe… ok any way when it comes to the home design… the roof is designed to capture water and put them in gutters to downspouts back onto the ground which could have a barrel or something to capture… which is nice… but doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing to me and really it’s not that much water… plus the foundation in these areas don’t necessarily love all the excess water. So I was thinking about water storage on the top floor which runs under the floor. I guess I can try to explain that say we were in the shower and the water runs down the drain… what if we had a water storage container underneath the shower to capture the water? So when it rains or snows and becomes water… the floors have water containers that will store down the drains. Now it’s not going to be just a storage unit… so we don’t want the shower to flood once it’s full… like a clogged drain… but it will be attached to an entire system that is going to be constantly cycling through…so we aren’t going to be having stagnant water… there’s an underground water tables flowing… we’d have the same thing under the flooring. Ideally it would be gravity fed flow… but if we have to add some pumps here and there… then we will until we find solutions where it’s just natural. Some of the systems will be designed for black water, grey water, and rainwater… again… visiting the sewer plant in my hometown last time I was here… black water can get purified enough to be placed back into the rivers and creeks… so designing the system to be able to do this on the property. Again this is already being done… but I haven’t done it for myself and I’m sure more people might be interested in this process. But I cannot help but think of aesthetically pleasing environments as well… so placing the large storage system under a floor seems more appealing to me… hehe… but I also want to be able to access these areas in case something needs to repaired or improved… so considering this will be important more than the aesthics at times… and even though things might be more unseen or hidden… I definitely want to teach so there are going to be spaces to take people to so they can see how the system is working. I thought about most of the basement level of this complex could show a lot of the system especially under the backyard… hehe… oh geesh. I have a picture of the state of the backyard earlier this year. It was struggling… that’s also another reason I love this property… I want to love this land… it’s been neglected for a while now… the owner allowed her son and partner to live there and they just didn’t care much about it. So it can use a bit of tender loving care… and also a reason why it won’t make me feel bad when I dig most of it up… hehe. It wasn’t in the best shape in the first place… but I also want to experience how to shape land. Again… shaping it in a smaller scale compared to the large land that I want to shape in the future. I’m going to building spaces underground so I’ll have excess dirt to place somewhere… so shaping the land would be awesome… and if there’s more to use… I’m down for rammed earth walls in areas too. I’m not sure what the structural strength of rammed earth but parts of the backyard won’t have tons of weight on top of it… so I think it would be cool to have rammed earth walls in these spaces instead of materials like concrete… I’m not sure what the flooring would be.. but I’d like to see how it feels underground in rammed earth walls which would be how it is but different… i haven’t put much thought into this idea… it just came up while I was typing but something I’m going to consider…. So… what activities do I see in this community design? I’ve always thought about having a creative center… I want to have spaces that I enjoy…hehe… and open this up to people to use if they are interested in these same activities… and if it’s something people might think is something they might like… they can try it again in a safe space to learn. So even though I love many things… I also have to limit the activities because I do love going into other spaces to learn… so I have to continuously remind myself of this… I’m going back and forth about a kiln…hehe… I’d love this but I don’t have much experience… but I’ve been following an IG account in South America and they make specifically musical instruments out of clay and there kilns are fairly simple… so I feel like it doesn’t have to be something large… something simple but meaningful I feel for myself… geesh… I cannot help but thinking of more and more ideas that I hadn’t explored until I’m writing about it… so damn it… that’s going into the design too.. I’ve been wanting to make a cob oven and see if I can heat the floors by using the heat… so why not add this into the design… if I know it’s something I want to explore… if I have it in consideration in the planning phase then I can implement it instead of waiting for me to wish I would’ve thought of it before… hehe… ok anyway areas I already have is of course an art studio which will share space with a sewing studio. I have a dance studio which will share space with a music studio. I think about the Australian and I remember he liked to exercise and one of the activities was a martial arts style. So I want this space to be able to transform into a gym. I’m not sure I’m really into the gym equipment… but physical activities… so being able to transform the space by adding mats on the floor and the walls. I’m designing this and there’s something that keeps triggering in my mind… I feel like I’m forgetting about the kiddos. I love kiddos… and I know I want to think of them in this design… I also am thinking about animals in this space… I am trying to incorporate as many community members as I can at this time. I know that I’ve been considering handicap accessibility… but I also want to think about the hearing impaired and visual impaired… this would be great to create complex spaces that enhances our senses as in many ways as possible. Adding more considerations of the possible community members allows me to expand the depth of design that will be in play. I mean I put in a zen garden sanctuary in the design because again the Aussie man… I want to implement aspects he would enjoy as well… along with a large library… and herbal garden… but let’s take the zen garden which will have sand, right… I have a cat who is going to be exploring this space… sand for a cat will lead to disaster… hehe… so I’m thinking about enclosing this space so this space won’t be accessible to Elvis. There’s no way I want him to be using the restroom in this sanctuary… but I also see so many benefits of having sand. I’ve been looking into zen garden symbolism and seeing symbols he’s used… I think I want to add these symbols here and throughout… Buddhist symbolism is much more acceptable than shamanism… hehe… and so I’d love to incorporate these… I enjoy symbolism in many forms. I’m sure I’m going to be incorporating symbolism in many cultures anyway… I love eclectic and diversity! But anyway… the circular doors into the zen garden sanctuary will have actual doors to enclose this space… I know how intelligent how cats are… so I’m going to have to think about a retractable roof as well in this space… not only for rain protection.. but for my little buddy in particular… hehe… I have to train him much more than I have by the way. He’s a spoiled little brat who gets away with many many things… and so I realize I want to help him more and be a little more strict on some of his behaviors. The thing going on right now is there are outside cats that come onto the porch and he sits there pawing at the window. I’ve have to continuously go into the living room and tell him no and grab him off the table and the window and just keep doing this over and over again. He’s getting the idea but he also has a behavior to break. I know he doesn’t have much stimulation in this space so he’s bored… and I’m hoping that this little zen garden would be at the back of his mind because there’s going to be so much more stimulation to not have him want to be in this space. I also want to put a waterfall aspect in here so again will allow less time for him to be in this space because of the sound… and bells hanging on the tree… again factors to enhance the space for human occupants… but for a cat? He’s hopefully… ok there’s so many more options to play and relax somewhere other than this space. Honestly I haven’t given up on him using the bathroom in a toilet still… hehe… it was working when we tried it… it just wasn’t a stable location to keep going… but he was figuring it out. I love him so much… I can’t wait to design a space that he’s going to be able to go inside and outside and I’ll feel confident he’ll enjoy himself and he won’t get into positions that might harm him. I don’t think I’m going to make a fortress or anything so he’ll be able to go out of this space… but I’m hoping he’ll have plenty of opportunities to find safe spaces to want to stay in the space… but honestly I want to socialize him a bit more too. I’d love for him to enjoy human engagements more less stranger danger mentality… hehe… I want to introduce my pops to this as well. It was funny when I was thinking of his space… I became much more fantastical because he has such whimsy in his designs… I’d love to create a more open space for my dad to design and build things he wants to do… he’s so creative and I’d love to see what he thinks of. Giving him the space and opportunity… he’ll be able to expand his creativity. It’s going to be hard to get him away from his house right now… he has created his own little world here… but I’m hoping that our space will be a bit more appealing for him. I’m trying to think of all his areas he’s drawn to… but allowing the opportunity for him to expand his creativity by immersing into different activities and people. I want a large kitchen for him to cook… but also this will be a shared space for me and my Aussie…who also likes to cook… I like to cook as well and so I hope to make a nice kitchen for us all to enjoy. I’m already thinking of two kitchens… I guess standard kitchens not including the outdoor grill spaces. I’m not sure if that’s all but for now… that’s what I”m thinking… again some of these areas will be more on the private side… my pops kitchen… will be more on the private side… there’s a decent kitchen already in the original home which I feel would be good enough for all the temporary residences. This is leading to my hometown girl friend… I keep thinking about her and her situation. She’s the one who is labeled as fully disabled when she was an addict. Through this addiction she triggered epilepsy which gained her this status. She’s absolutely darling and such a big heart… but most of all… has been completely supportive of me and my transitions in life. I’d love to have her in consideration as more of a permanent resident here. This would also include at least one dog… Luna… she’s adorable and I love her too… her daughter has a dog who is my friend’s dog too… I’m still exploring if she’s willing to leave Arnie with her daughter… and it’s something she can consider but isn’t fully on board. I haven’t thought of this but there are two bedrooms in the original home… I thought of just asking my friend to come… but maybe I need to be asking her daughter and her boyfriend to come too? Maybe they can have the second room? They are bright and loving youths as well… and I know my girl friend would be much more comfortable with her family with her. I thought they might want to be on their own and so I thought they could stay at the home my friend lives in… learn how it feels to be on their own… but they work hard and why not make it easier for them to thrive? Opening their doors to opportunities and less concern for financial concerns… can allow them to thrive far more sooner than struggling for years. They’re more on the partying side… I mean they’re young twenties… that’s the only concern I have right now… I don’t want this space to be a party as in drinking and marijuana… I’m not sure how I feel about this right now… in my ideal version… there’s going to be so many opportunities to get into the creative flow and zone that this won’t be necessary… but how flexible am I willing to be? Hehe… I’m sure I can find a solution… they are far more worthy than this… hmmm… why not… I can consider this… this might be much more appealing for my girl friend too… and I’m hoping to show her opportunities that she doesn’t think is possible. And having her love and support has been so beneficial for me and I’m so extremely grateful for having her around. She’s been the one who is allowing me to take baths right now… hehe… it’s important for me right now… and again I’m super grateful… but when I reunited with her and told her who I am now… it was her response that really struck me… how much she loves and trusts me and it doesn’t matter what I was telling her I was able to be completely vulnerable and honest and express myself fully… she and my dad have been the only ones who I’ve been able to communicate in this manner without doubt and uncertainty from them in me. It really is something I want to show how much I appreciate. Saying thank you isn’t going to cut it for me… I want to show it in a much grander gesture. I’m not sure my dad or her is able to receive my love fully yet… but the design is going to be designed for them if they wish to join me. I cannot wait to see them thrive and see what they want to create in this world. I’m also hoping that they don’t want to stay here permanently either… hehe… eventually I’d love for them to go and create wherever they want to. But even if it’s going on vacation… I’d like them to see more potential in themselves and in this Reality. This might lead to my movie marathon with my pops yesterday… hehe… my dad once in awhile goes on Tuesday matinee where he watches three movies at a time with a large refillable popcorn and drink for around $20-25… so he asked me to go with him to watch Moana 2… I was planning on going to my drum circle at 7 which takes about an hour to drive to. As long as the timing works I’ll join him. I asked him what all movies he was going to… so I joined him for two movies… Gladiator 2 and Moana 2. I understand I get in an obsessive mode when I’m designing so finding opportunities to enjoy away from this is something I like to do so I can get a break. So… within the first ten minutes of Moana I found myself tearing up… it surprised me and it became apparent to me of how much I miss my family. Specifically I was thinking of my brother and sister here in Indiana. It also made me sad about the relationship I have with my mom’s side which are Samoan… which Moana is as well… but I didn’t really get that type of community like they were showing… I feel like when I was there as a child until I was five it was probably like this… but when I returned at 15 it didn’t feel like this… it felt like I was an outsider… it could have just been my state of mind… but I also think it was my families state of mind too. I feel like being raised there as a child really did affect my psyche. I was being trained to be the princess of the village… one of the caretakers of the the entire village. I was by my grandfather the chief of the village watching and observing of how we are to serve the community. I”m not sure if any of my family remembers this of me. I was given this title before my aunt was given this title. She was given this title after the divorce when I moved with my dad in Indiana. If they do remember this they might not like the fact that I don’t live in the village. I guess what I love about Reality is… I would’ve loved to have this role… this is something I would love to do but Reality had me understand that my community is more expansive than a village and one culture. I absolutely adore the village life… it definitely feels like home when I find myself in a village… but that’s any rural village… I know another community I’m going to be designing is the village along the Ucayali River… I know I’m going to be building there.. and would love this as another home. But it will need a different design… I realize this and I want to learn more about water harvesting designs before attempting their design. It’s the Amazon rainforest… there’s a lot of water and I’d like to learn how to work with it. Honestly it’s far easier to learn in an area that is more comfortable and less in survivor mindsets because of the environment. But I will learn and I will proceed in the design of this community… but I want to learn more through experience before this attempt. My main shaman’s family is missing me and I’m missing them too… but it’s hard for me to explain how what I’m doing is eventually going to benefit them… us… I’m not forgetting about them… they’re family and there’s no way I can forget them. And that brings me back to Moana. She has a little sister and once she came into the story… tears came streaming down my cheeks. I have a sister that recently moved to Indiana with her boyfriend… my dad is trying to get me more involved with family gatherings but they aren’t ready to include me back into their lives. He spoke with my sister and asked her what did I ever do to her for her not to want me in her life? She said it was how I treated her as a child. My first response was she’s judging me for an immature child… who was clueless… but another part of me is like.. I absolutely adored her! We didn’t live in the same house but when we had the opportunities to be with her… we all adored her and wanted to spend as much time as we could with her. But I also had a temper back then. I remember a few times I would be intense… I can’t remember every situations but it definitely was far and few… and it was always in a long term conversation. Something I was hoping she would find important to consider for her future self… I was serious and intense at times and I’m sure it scared her at times too. But by no means did I ever harm her. I did put her in a situation where she was harmed which still haunts me. I took her to a friends place who had an akita dog and the dog ended up biting her in the face and she has a scar on her face to remind her of how her sister took her into a place that scarred her for life. I didn’t have a clue the dog would do this. I played with this dog many times before… it was like a second home to me… and I believe it was the first time the dog bit anyone. It eventually bit me in the shoulder later and they put the dog down afterwards. But maybe she holds this against me too… and I understand to a degree… but I can’t believe it takes over and surpasses all the love I had for her. The last time we spent time together when we were still talking… I had a party of girl friends in Indy… and at the time i was drinking… and I remember her mom came up with my girl friends and I was talking badly about her. I still had hold ups of how I was treated and how abusive she was at times with me. I didn’t consider who I was talking to also included my sister and I was talking about her mom in this manner. But she wasn’t treated the same way I was. She was her blood and I wasn’t… but honestly her mom is far closer than we are now. She started an IG account so she can see what I’ve been doing. It’s nice to see that she cares what I’m doing in life. Anyway…I love her and I’m willing to wait to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t know who I am now but I also don’t know her either because of the distance. I watch her IG as well to get a glimpse of her life and her posts to get an idea of her personality. But I also trust our relationship will build again but that time isn’t now… and I”m ok with this too. My brother is another bag I cannot explain. It was the three musketeers growing up… I cannot believe how much influence his wife has had on him and our relationship. I’ve gotten several messages about him and working together… but again… I’m willing to wait. But I am also looking forward for this to arise back into our Reality and getting a chance to get to know them more as who they are currently. I can’t help but have a strong feeling how much my dad and brother will love this Aussie man I love. They’ve got so many similarities that they’ll just mesh so well together. They haven’t met him yet, but once they do.. everyone will understand why I’m waiting for the best. Ha… I even spoke to my dad about him… I asked him how he will feel if he meets the Ozzie? I know he can hold grudges on people… does he hold a grudge on him since he hasn’t given me a chance? My dad knows who I am and I’m sure he can’t believe someone wouldn’t just fall in love with me right away… since this Ozzie man hasn’t fallen for me… something must be wrong with him… hehe… but I told him… what if he does come into my life? He said he’d be open to him… he’d just need time to get to know him outside of what I’ve said. I explain to my dad how people are working on themselves… and it takes time… and what I”m looking for in a romantic relationship is strong and deep… so there’s more work to do… when we reunite… the Aussie man will be meeting a newer, healthier and authentic version of myself… and in return… I will be meeting him as a newer, healthier, and more authentic version as well. I cannot wait to be with this man… I cannot wait to observe him! I cannot wait to observe myself too… hehe… For some reason… I think I”m going to approach him in a much more traditional way. Traditional and unconventional mix really… It’s challenging for me to not be unconventional… that’s just who I am and I’m happy with this… but I can be traditional as well. Thankfully I had these few occasions these past two months because I understood how I want to approach our relationship. I want to go at a slow burn… I mean I have to be honest… he’s extremely sexy and attractive and it’s not like I don’t think about the bedroom play we’d have together… but I saw that I have to get to know someone and spend time with someone for me to even be authentic in the bedroom. I’ve mostly known him from memory and visions and small conversations… we’ve been doing this for seven years… but this doesn’t mean I really know who he is now. And that’s what I really want.. to observe and experience this current version of him. Just like I observe anyone else in my life… I want to see how he behaves in multiple settings and situations… quality time is the main love language right now when it comes to romance. I understand touch is up there… but touch doesn’t mean intercourse… I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him and to feel his arms around me… I cannot wait to hold one another. I mean looking at him will be so satisfying but to be held by his massive arms… oh my god and holding my body next to his… Jesus! I cannot wait but I can as well. I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on permaculture and aquatic gardens and funny many of them are from Australia… and so hearing him talk will be so satisfying as well. And I remember how attracted I was to his intelligence… I cannot wait to just listen to what ideas he has and the knowledge he has whether from direct experience or theory… I’ll still enjoy.. hehe. This also leads to another insight I gained since returning to Indiana and the romantic thing. Well it started off with feeling like I found a safe space. I’m was assuming that factors outside of me was triggering me to be more authentic. I thought I was finding a community and a potential partner that gave me the safe space to be more authentic… but that’s not really the case. I’m growing in this within myself. I”m ready to be more authentic and expressive… I’m exhausted by not allowing myself to be this way… it’s draining to not be this way. So Reality was giving me what I needed to notice this in myself… even when I was with this hostel’s founder… I found that I couldn’t stop but being completely vulnerable even when it was terrifying at times… I found I wasn’t stopping regardless of how I think I should have been able to… At the time I was hoping I was meeting a potential romantic partner.. so I realized how I will be behaving with the Aussie… he’s going to be triggering me to grow far more expansive than I would expect. I don’t want to hide regardless of any conditioning I still might hold… I won’t be able to while in his presence. And I don’t want to fucking hold back… and I’m glad my body is incapable of doing this now… I want to be completely raw but my raw still has curved edges… it’s not jagged and sharp… it’s a graceful rawness regardless of how vulnerable I am. I understand how I was trying to sabotage myself… so I can understand when people do this towards me too. I recognize that I’m no longer wanting to sabotage myself. I”m worthy to exist and be as authentic to who I am and cannot wait to see my evolution as my authenticity matures as well. I’m worthy of romantic love as well… and I’m ready to step into this… and I’ll wait for my romantic lover to feel worthy of this too! I can wait because when this happens will be at the perfect time… not only for myself or us, but the entire universe ok… I’m getting sleepy and I want to rest… until next time… enjoy! P.S… hehe… I’ll go ahead and share the design I have so far… but realize this will definitely continue to morph and it’s not cleaned up either… as I’m designing I know what I’m designing so I don’t always have all the background said in a planning design… it’ll get there though… and I’m ok with however long that will take even if this isn’t the specific location… it’s the direction I’m being guided towards. P.S.S hehe… I had a feeling I might lose what I wrote when I did the attachments so I copied and pasted on my notes… good thing because I went to screenshot my project which also didn’t save my current design… it had to revert to the last saved one but I’m not about to do it to what I had… I’ll just share the one it saved… probably files getting to large for the cloud.. hehe… I also had to cover the address for the Google earth pic of property… but anyway when I returned this site only saved a paragraph so I pasted the whole thing and added this. Ok good night

Good morning… I’m feeling much better now… I was exhausted and overwhelmed with mental masturbation… and much much better now. I’m not upset about the situation.. I’m not mad at the universe… I see what it’s been trying to tell me and I’m ok with this.. because this is only going to help me elevate. I am transforming and regardless of how it happens… it’s the best for me and it was in the manner that I would understand and able to expand from it. So… what am I feeling right now and how do I explain it? I guess I can start with those two questions I said near the end of my last entry… What do I really want? And what do I really deserve? These are great questions… but honestly this isn’t how I approach questions anymore… when I am in a situation… it’s not just about myself physically… I consider the collective as myself… so the question should be what do we really want? And what do we really deserve? So obviously I’m going to be using this example for my explanation. What do we really want? To be loved and accepted and seen…. These two are amazing people and it doesn’t matter about the age thing for me. I adore them both regardless if they’re working on some pent up trauma… this is absolutely fine with me and it’s expected at this time. What am I really thinking that I’m going to be running into Enlightened people everywhere I go? Not right now… and so of course there’s going to be some work needed to be done. They are both brilliant and fun and loving… and no matter what… I love them both regardless of anything… I’m not running away from them… I am however walking away for the time being… to actually allow them to have their time alone together. In my opinion… I feel like they don’t need to be separating… the love that I feel from them… again should be expressed and not be secret. But I wanted to tell them this but I didn’t end up speaking to them about it… they didn’t want to hear any suggestions that I had… and over explaining things isn’t what’s always the best thing for the situation. I left them clues and hints… They thought they had to keep things secret because of the age thing… I’m assuming… I knew about it and for a day they were able to not have to put on a show in front of someone and was able to just be… but they were still unable to communicate with the person who found them out and wasn’t comfortable to hear what the opinion was. It’s ok… I look at both of them before I knew they were in a relationship as people I’d like to share ceremony with and potentially apart of my Enlightenment projects. This does not change things… it actually feels like they should be a part of it even more. Because to go through this process… we have to overcome shame, guilt, and embarrassment…. Be able to accept being transparent, embody integrity, increase our acceptance and embody unconditional love. It’s not the easier thing to do and it’s going to be quite easy to just run away from the situation… I mean I had thoughts of total scrapping my idea of staying here for a year and start to think where am I going to go now. I don’t want to go to Hawaii… and I cannot help myself but I even thought I wanted to sweep in to Sydney and see the Ozzie guy again, but we need time to mature and it’s not the right time right now. And so what… that’s ok… I’ve been bumping into several opportunities… and these opportunities are things that I’ve been wanting to attract in my life so I can just do this… and let things settle down. My body wasn’t manipulating me… it was honestly expressing something that wants to be explored… and it was my developing mind that wanted to manipulate the situation because of human conditioning. I understand this but it still gets a bit frustrating… but it wasn’t too bad. I noticed I still had the tendency to want to overreact and respond emotionally and I observed that I was handling it way better than I would have in the past. He had been expressing himself to me and I wasn’t listening either. He needed time and space and giving him two weeks break at a time wasn’t enough space and time for him… and I continued to come and visit with him because I want to build a bond… I was curious about him and want to see what the hell my body was talking about. I’m glad I went through this though… I saw things that he felt like he had to hide from me. And I wish he was not at the point of hiding still, but it’s where it’s at… and I’m ok with this… and I hope he understands that I am. Because I left without saying much he probably thinks that I have given up on him. And I guess I want him to go through those feelings as well. I want him to process over his mind… and I hope he can remember how I was behaving through it all and that I wasn’t trying to make him feel guilty. I didn’t even make it seem like we had a relationship either… I don’t know if she knows that we were starting something… and that’s why he kept me secret. I really think he cares about us both but he underestimated how we would respond if we both knew he cares for us both. Again which is confusing because he’s openly polyamorous. I did see her as my sister… even though she struggles for me to want to care for her… doesn’t stop me from caring for her. I’m not competing with her. I already mentioned this… her love is what he needs right now too… and I’m happy he has her to be able to love him in this manner at this time. And I hope it’s not temporary. I hope they continue to build a stronger relationship beyond this moment. Again I wanted to express this to them, but I felt it would not be received… I wasn’t on the level of trust and acceptance from either of them. And yes I’m ok with this too. I do hope that small token of a pillow will help them understand the love I share for both of them. I did put a lot of effort and time because I wanted to and I enjoyed it. The gift was from both of us… but I knew she would appreciate it now because it was mostly from him… but I hope she understands that I can love her too and we don’t have to limit our love. He doesn’t have to limit his love either. I already expressed… I love the Aussie and there’s nothing I can do to stop that…. That’s love… it’s there and I realize this… but the our timing is not now… and I’m realizing my love is not limited to only him either. I have the capacity to have an expansive love. I love and am attracted to many… but I also am getting a better understanding of when I’m romantically attracted and in love in this manner compared to sisterly or brotherly or motherly or fatherly or friendship… I think we get the point… I too am not ready to have the love from the Ozzie… but it seems like I am ready for the love I can share with the founder. My capacity is growing but it will always grown and I know it’s coming but I’ve got things to work on. And I’m ok with this too and I can accept this at this time. What do we really deserve? Also to be loved, accepted, and seen again… we deserve this… and we are working on this. We don’t have to have all the solutions right now… we need time and space to realize this in each and everyone of us… it’s going to be at each individual’s pace and honestly when we realize this it’s going to be exactly perfect for the collective as well… that’s how perfection goes. I keep hearing the song breakdown… I don’t care if you love me…. I don’t care if you don't… I’m not afraid of you running away honey… I get the feeling you won’t….. I hope he remembers that I was moved by him… and I was singing a song of understanding to breakdown to fully surrender to love is challenging…. But I’m ready for this… I trust that I’m not afraid of running away and I have a feeling I wont…. But doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there… but it’s not who I am anymore. I don’t know where he is… but I hope he gets to that point of not being afraid and doesn’t want to run away either… if he truly wants an expansive spiritual love… he does have this with me… but I’m not going to force him to realize this… he’s going to have to find this for himself. He has to understand that he deserves this for himself. And when he realizes this… then we can start to take the steps necessary to explore the terrain of uncertainty… beyond our mind’s games of fear… i feel it’s going to be far better than what our mind assumes… I feel like it’s going to be far easier as well… but we don’t understand and realize this through our thoughts… it’s through our experiences. I did get a message that “He believes you” and I don’t know which “he” the message was about… and why does it have to be one? Maybe they both realize this… and I already was thinking how challenging it would be to have a partner expressing their true nature of living and sharing the Enlightened path… That has to be a lot to take on… and what if they’re not ready to take it on… can I be ok with this? I can… even though I wish they were ready doesn’t mean it is so. But he believes you doesn’t mean he knows the steps to take to walk into this path. Doesn’t mean I know the steps either. All I have is the trust and love from the universe that everything is playing out exactly as it should. And right now I’m by myself and I want to explore the opportunities that I find myself in. I got a message from my ex today who’s the dj… he works construction and said I can pick up some extra cash by helping clean a home they were remodeling. I told him I’m available and thanked him for thinking of me. And I told him I’m hoping to go to the jam session tonight that starts at 4… he said he’ll get a hold of me in an hour and so I’m waiting to hear back from him. If it works out… I’d love for him to join me at the jam session… I think he would love it and be able to contribute in a positive way. He’s been trying to get me to sing vocals with him.. but I don’t think he’s gotten any lyrics down but he just posted that he’s trying to find people to collaborate with on his music. And so again… I’ve got opportunities knocking and calling… I can put my energy towards this… I don’t need to put my mental energy onto how can I get him to realize the love I already know I have for him… I don’t know we he needs to do, but I trust he does. He’s extremely intuitive… and he’s the universe himself so I trust he’ll figure it out and we’ll reconvene when it’s time to. Right now… he needs to spend time with her and I hope they realize this doesn’t have to actually be the end for them. So I’m going to go back to the my friend on Thursday. The founder messaged a group text about trying to find her a place to stay in Indy while she was working… most of the days he had her a location to stay except for Thursday. I feel like I might have written this already but I guess I’m going to repeat myself. I thought about my buddy who is on house arrest that I met and I’ve been wanting to go and visit with. I asked him if he’d be willing to host her and he was. As I was communicating… I was also realizing that nothing was stopping me from joining them… So that’s what I did… I went to hangout with him and I picked her up and we spent the night at my buddy’s house. We ran some errands, made some dinner, and had conversations. She was exhausted working so she went to sleep fairly early compared to us. And I do want to mention that she’s can be very nurturing for me too. She sees how much effort I put into my life and wants to constantly remind myself to take care with rest and eating. She and I have similarities that I recognize… and I know she realizes this too. She found out that she didn’t actually have to work on Friday… oh wait… I think I have the days wrong… it’s Wednesday that we spent the night together and she didn’t have to work Thursday or Friday… so yeah I was trying to see if I could just bring her down to the hostel with me on Friday morning. But the founder had already planned to pick her up on Thursday and it didn’t matter how many times I suggested to help her was admit to picking her up himself… again at this time I didn’t realize he wants as much time as he can get with her. They’ve created that bond and he wants to care and protect her as much as possible. We haven’t developed that bond however so there’s distance and space in our trust of one another. But anyway… before he responded I wanted to run errands too. And while I was running errands I realized that I wanted to share ceremony with my buddy instead of having her around anyway. So I knew she was being picked up and I’d have the night alone with my buddy who I hoped was ready for ceremony. He’s an amazing guy… yeah he has a crush on me and I was telling him that I’m in the middle of building a relationship with the founder and am not looking for anyone else at the moment… but I don’t think it sunk in and that’s again normal and i guess I have more patience with everyone. But I was hoping to get to the trifecta… I’ve been missing Aya and getting to the trifecta would have gotten me to be with Aya and I was excited for this… and we spoke about it and everyone was getting excited… but we started ceremony a couple of hours after we ate dinner. I was clearing out his space and normally I explain everything I’m doing when I share ceremony but I found myself not doing this… I realize later that I did end up telling him during ceremony… and so I know I need to continue doing this. We started to do our bodily cleanse with snuff and tobacco… with the rapee we snuff this up and he said he’s very familiar with this because he has had a relationship with cocaine… but I saw that he wasn’t taking preparation as seriously as I was. I was taking my time… I had clogged sinuses and so I continued to repeat the process until my nasal passages were clear. I was doing this and I noticed he was observing how diligent I am with this process but he wasn’t doing the same thing… I was thinking how do I get him to do more… and finally I have two rapees and so I asked him to try the second one. It was noticeable that he still had mucus but again this wasn’t something he was familiar with and so he just did it the once and didn’t do anymore and I continued to take my time until I felt ready to begin. I have had the feeling that I wanted to try being the first to take the Bufo instead of being the last… I was hoping that I could guide the session better this way. I tried this the last time I was with my buddy in Colorado… and I noticed that I was still able to help people take the Bufo… but what I noticed this time… was if they aren’t ready to surrender then I can take more than I need to… I want to explain verbally… but I also want to demonstrate it so they can watch me…and when I do this… I go in fully and I hope they too will go in fully… but that’s not the case…hehe… as much as I want it to be the case. I realized that I was in it… and he was struggling to get in it… and I couldn’t stop being in it as easily. But I did find myself stopping. I found myself wanting to work on his energy body and his physical body. I started on his left foot and was making my way up his leg when he stopped me and asked if he could do more. By the way… he wasn’t listening to how to smoke it… again he feels like he’s experienced with psychedelics and so he doesn’t really need to tell him what to do… but I went through a lot of Bufo and he still didn’t go in… it was as if he was just blowing it out right away or holding it in without actually taking it in and holding. I even tried to give him a shot gun… but didn’t see him inhale just hold the smoke in his mouth… he wasn’t ready to surrender… we tried one more time… and that’s when I stopped my session. I wanted to work but there was a wall of resistance up and it’s ok to just be in a state not quite in but relaxed. He wasn’t really truly relaxed just a degree of it. He didn’t melt…. There was tension still held in his body… there were many signs and I could see this and again I’m too hopeful people are more ready than they actually are. We spoke a lot and got to asking questions about building apps and such… he has his degree in biology interest in genealogy… and it was great information but a language that was foreign to me so only snippets were getting through. After our conversation actually during our conversation I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I told him we are not going to continue. And he said he feels like I blue-balled him on the DMT…. And I said I don’t mind if he takes some with him upstairs to his bedroom… but I’m going to go to sleep and I’m closing the ceremony session. I don’t mind if he goes on… I’m just not joining him. He didn’t want to do it without me. And I explained that I get messages… i was stopped in doing my work during Bufo… I was going through a ton of it to try to get you to go in and it didn’t work… so I’m thinking…. Why go on… when people don’t surrender to Bufo… I don’t know why we would go into DMT or changa when trust and surrender wasn’t present. There was tension still held in the body and I wasn’t able to release this from him because he didn’t want to trust me enough to do this for him. So no i didn’t want to continue… and he was upset… but I also knew he would have a tendency to want to make this a recreational event instead of a spiritual one. Of course everything is spiritual but I have to see things from the perspective of the ones I’m with having to categorize things as something different from one another for understanding. We’ve been talking since then and he really wants to do it again… and I told him that when the time arrives we’ll try it again.. but it’s ok to have space and time to work things out. He’s not immoderately going to trust me and the ceremony…. So allow the time and space for this to occur. There’s no rush and I am patient. Patience has been a huge lesson for me and I’m seeing my behavior is embodiment this more even though I still also see the struggle to accept this in me still… but it’s getting better. He did give me a vape pen for tobacco. I went to his dad’s nursing home to get his 67” television for him and he was appreciative and so I did accept his vape offer. He suggested it the day before and I dismissed it… but while running my errands I realized I didn’t have to dismiss it so suddenly… I’ve been wanting to approach my relationship with tobacco differently and I don’t want to stink like tobacco all the time and so I do want to give it a chance. See how it works for me. Our mutual friend who introduced us who I went on that haunted house date thing with sent me a video about tobacco… specifically nicotine and I mentioned a few things to him and her while we were spending the night together. And they thought I was full of shit and so they had Alexa fact check me. It was a simple thing telling them there’s several fruits and vegetables that have nicotine in them… and I said even tomatoes have nicotine and they fact checked me and was surprised when tomatoes do actually have nicotine in them…hehe… I didn’t even fact check myself when I heard the information… I just know how important tobacco has been for me in this journey… and maybe it’s the nicotine. I’m open and I’m sure more will come out of it. So I asked him what the hell is in these vapes anyway. I asked about the nicotine and he said it’s like 5% and then I asked well what’s the other 95% with a giggle but also with curiosity… what the hell else is in there to be smoking… I don't’ even know what he said… but that’s usually more addictive then the nicotine. I mean I’m not addicted to tomatoes… hehe… anyway… I’ve had it and I find myself using it a lot. So I’m going to continue to observe my relationship with this. I do like they convince of smoking this without having to go outside. And it really does taste good and smell good… so I’m afraid it’s going to be more addictive then smoking my pipe. But I can’t make changes without trying new approaches so I’ll continue to see how it goes. I think I got out what I wanted to get out for today. My buddy should be getting a hold of me soon. I didn’t get to some of the ideas I’ve been having about water and transportation and energy harvesting… but I’ll get there when it’s time… I have more time and space needed to explore it I guess before speaking about it. But for now I feel good… and I want to love on my little buddy as he’s resting beside me. Until next time folks… enjoy and continue to deepen our love for ourselves

=ell shit… so my dream was accurate and it was confirmed this weekend. I’m exhausted and I’m back at my pops place. So… yeah me and the universe is in a little argument right now… why in the hell am I being placed into these situations? Why is my trauma now attracting people who are off? Technically he’s just not developed and has a shadow that has been growing that he’s been ignoring to heal. But what the fuck? Seriously I want to vent like a human real quick…. She’s barely over 18 and he’s 45… he’s charismatic, charming, and confident. So he’s going to be able to be a predator… I really think it’s a sexual addiction for power. Why was my body reacting in that manner towards him… is my body still affected by toxicity? Because it was absolutely crazy… this weekend when I went to hug him for the first time to say hello it also said a noise and a rub that seemed a bit more friendly than a friend… and he noticed and i noticed… I was like what the fuck? Shit… so I’m sabotaging myself to this connection because I’m assuming I’m terrified to get close to anyone romantically… so I’m questioning myself. I went down there because the young lady is getting her car together to drive to North Carolina soon…. I had pillows for her and we spent the night together on Thursday in Indy and we went shopping at the outlet… she picked up some more items… so I was bringing her her things and yeah I wanted to hangout and get some time to spend with everyone. And so I assumed that everyone was doing the same things such as morning meetings and such so I got there early enough for that and it was quiet. I didn’t go into the rooms but I ended up putting on the fire and crashed on the couch. When I woke I noticed the young lady was not there and was trying to see where she was by reaching out. She was with the founder at his house and they were going to be there soon. And when they arrived things were pretty normal. She and I got her stuff and situated her car together on how she was going to be able to sleep in there. All the pillows were perfect to fit inside to make her comfortable. I was super happy and she has all these different fabrics and was deciding where she was going to place things. There was a piece of fabric that I brought for her and she wanted to cover a pillow and so I asked her if I could do that for her. She’s strong headed and doesn’t want any help… but she said yes and so that got me excited. I wanted to make it really nice for her and hopefully show her that I’ve got the skills to help her with her car. So I went inside to work on it. The founder wasn’t really talkative to me… it was as if he was avoiding me… and I thought it was because I said I only wanted to be friends and not have a romantic relationship… but it was a bit unusual but I don’t know him well so who knows who he really is. But I did talk to him a little about the pillow I was making… I already had a good start but I said I wanted to personalize it for her… whether I put her initials on it or if I put the hostel name on it… and he had a glimmer in his eye… and it seemed he would love if I put his hostel name on the pillow for her to remember her time here. He’s been doing so much to help her out… and I knew he cared for her deeply and so I decided I’d make it really nice for her and that it would be a present from him too. Wait a minute… I did have some dreams when I first arrived that I’m going to mention… First of all in my sleep it felt like they were there with me in the room… I thought she had grabbed my toe to mess around with me. And in my dream I woke up to speak with them and everyone was friendly and happy…. But I wasn’t awake. And later I started to have a dream that he was talking on the phone and he was getting really angry… and there was a girl who I didn’t recognize telling me he gets this way sometimes… and I asked her who he was talking to but I don’t remember what she said but I woke up at this time. I remember talking to the young lady with her car and her mentioning to me that he has a bad temper too. But of course I don’t see that when I’m with him… he’s calm and kind to the outside world. I wanted to mention this because trying to go in a timeline… but this will be brought up later. So back to deciding I’d make the pillow for her from the both of us. She and I have had a slow start to our relationship. She didn’t trust me which isn’t unusual with the people who are currently there… but we did build a relationship and each time she opens more and more. I told her that I looked at her as a sister figure. She’s not the happiest of people… hehe… and she’s skeptical and blunt about things… but some comments she said to me that stand out… was when dealing with the car that she said that she likes that I’m getting excited but this has nothing to do with me. I said well I’m excited for you… and I care for you so I’m happy you’re happy. I didn’t tell her but I went solo and it’s challenging but very rewarding… and she’s doing this at such a young age… I hope she gets as much benefits that I have by traveling solo. So yeah… I want to help her car be as comfy and cozy as possible so she can be calm in her travels. And doing the pillow was like an upholstery project which I’d love to learn more about. She also mentioned how long I was taking to make the pillow and how unnecessary it is. And I told her that I really enjoy what I’m doing and the time it’s taking is not bothering me because it’s something I want to do for her. I said even if you don’t think you’re worth this much time, but I feel you are. She doesn’t like it when I’m being open about my affection towards her and she ended up interrupting me when I was trying to tell her that it’s ok for people to want to share their love with her in many forms and this is one of the ways I want to show her… she interrupted me and then abruptly wanted to talk about the fire… and i said no firmly and said I don’t want to hear what you’re going to talk about right now. And she asked why… I said you dismiss me this isn’t the first time you dismiss me interrupt me, and talk over me. Right now… I don’t want to hear whatever you have to say. She said she interrupted because she thought we were going to get into an argument… and I said I was trying to express how much I care about you? How is that turning into an argument… but the conversation dropped and I just continued to work on her project. It did take a while to do her pillow by the way. It took me two days worth which took me three days… half the day on Friday, the whole day on Saturday, and half the day this morning. Friday evening the three of us were hanging out. And that’s when I noticed their behavior… again… it’s really not out of the norm… they’re very publicly affectionate and he’s like this with many… they’re usually more on the big and little sister though wrestling around with one another… crawling on the floor… her hanging off his legs and piggy back rides… but there was something I noticed this time. She cooked some rice and was sitting on the couch with a bowl and she lifted the spoon up to feed him a bite. And since I’ve been with him in an intimate way… the noise he made was very distinctive… he makes distinct sexual arousal noises and he did this when she offered him a bite and he went over to her so she could feed him. So yeah… my spidey senses started to go off… and I was sitting next to them and found myself moving a little farther away and again uncomfortable watching this. I definitely felt like I was the third wheel here. It wasn’t inviting even though I had been with them four weekends working hard on all these projects. I got her a place to stay in Indy and decided to stay with her to make her more comfortable… it was very exclusive. I could hear them whispering when it was just the three of us together… and I felt unwanted and uncomfortable. Finally they said they were going to leave for the night and go to his house. I was still not completely certain if all of this was in my mind… and I didn’t know what the fuck my body acting that way was saying either… I got messages from tarot for having solitude.. so I said good… I can personalize her pillow without prying eyes. I thought it was the best for me to be alone so I can work… which is what I wanted to do … I really love projects… of course I wanted to be included, but if I’m not… then I’d like to be alone to work on the pillow. And as I was alone… I was able to contemplate while I’m in the zone of sewing. She loves to sew and crochete…. She was wanting to tell me what to do with the pillow but said I could do it… when she saw what I was doing she made a suggestion and I thanked her and she said that I’m the artist and I could do whatever I want… and so my plans started to get more elaborate. I haven’t crocheted for a long time… so I thought I’d crochet the logo which is a tree and around the pillow I placed the words (Hostel) loves u (name). I made a heart button in the middle and there were four hearts placed in the letters and inside the logo of the tree had a heart as well. so I didn’t get it finished that night… but when I was talking to myself I was going over if they did have a romantic relationship going… what do I feel about that? This is why I said that the conversations with the universe can be very confusing… because again… my body has been speaking… and I’m assuming it’s because it’s.a message it’s a romantic partner… so I’m trying to be open and accepting… and she’s young but she’s of age and seems to be consensual to the situation… but I kept going back and forth…. This night and the next morning I was on board to be the accepting partner of a polyamorous man that I already knew… but the one thing that really bothered me with our engagements was always the secrecy…. Why is our relationship secret? Why is there relationship a secret? It’s not a secret that he’s polyamorous…. So why are his interests kept a secret… however he does have relationships that are known to everyone… so he just has a web of multiple partners… some who are public and some who are secret… and why am I one who is a secret? But I thought I would do a head and heart meeting with him in the morning and I remember a message i heard to not make the move… and so I opted out of writing him. They returned to the hostel in the afternoon. She said she fell into the river they were walking along and that’s why she’s wearing his pants. I was going along with it and said that it looks good on you. She was trying to look at the pillow while I was trying to hide it from her. We were alone together inside and I finally gave in and said that it’s a work in progress and I’m still working on it. But I showed her what I had done…. She was surprised I was doing crochete… and I said it’s specifically for her… if I was doing it for someone else I’d choose to do something different… I havent’ done it in a while but I’ll work with what I got and what I remember and in the end it will look good. So again… she doesn’t really like when people are openly trying to express how much we care and wasn’t that excited and didn’t understand why I would be taking this much time and effort to do this for her. I looked at her and said well… this isn’t just from me. I was speaking with him last night and we decided to do this for you…. He loves you… and you love him… and she seemed shocked and got weird… I told her so even though I’m making this pillow second hand it’s coming from him. And she’s like where is he right now? And rushed outside to talk to him. They were gone for a long time. He came into the hostel once and went into the office… I continued to work… he came out of the office and wanted to say something but stopped himself… opened his mouth and closed it… and walked out… and then hours later he came back in with a to go box of Mexican… they went to eat. He looked at what I was doing… and he said that he’s going to go back to his home. I looked at him and said… you don’t want to talk? And he said no… not tonight… I’ll be back tomorrow but not tonight. And he left. She came inside and was messing with the fire and I asked her if she’s going to stay the night here? And she said yes tonight she’s going to but she’s going to stay in the Uni… or the library tonight. I told her that I was going to go soak first so I don’t wake her up later… and so I soaked. And this night was a bit more disturbing for me. I definitely started to go on a whirlwind of a rollercoaster… I was thinking how I was going to setup a voice recorder in the room while I spoke to him so if I went to the police it would have him talking about it. But again… I don’t think him sleeping with young females is illegal… I believe all of them are over the age of 18… but I know that her grandma who told her about the hostel would not like the fact that the owner has slept with her grandchild…. And that’s what I was thinking… I’m assuming she isn’t the only one. He’s very cold sometimes when he’s dealing with his staff… just in a manner where he will give but not too much… right…. He’s having a relationship with her… but is trying to have a relationship with me too… he said he wanted to wait until the new year to get some alone time… and that’s because he wants to spend the last moments with her… which wouldn’t bother me if there was honesty and transparency….. but he’s wanting her to leave as well… he’s been dropping her off to different locations mainly Indy so she can work and get her license and fix her car and get gas money. He doesn’t want to do it all for her… which is respectful… but why does she have to leave at this time? He’s out of work and they could spend more time together if he wanted to build something with her… but he’s doesn’t want to. Anyway… that day they were also talking negatively down about the manager who is depressed right now… and it was funny for them… I was thinking how arrogant they have been… and how dismissive they are to everyone… guests and staff like myself… very arrogant… but I’m still fighting to be a good partner too though… I was like… my body was telling me something…. And still assuming that he’s a potential partner…. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… but that’s not how I feel now… but this night I was still trying to defend him. I thought he was acting so cold towards me this time because I was telling him I just wanted to be friends… so I thought this next morning… they thought I was going to fight and yell and shame them… but I was going to apologize for lieing to him… and ultimately I was lieing to myself… I thought I didn’t have any romantic attentions anymore until we build a friendships… but when I gave him the hug my body’s reaction was saying something else. I was going to tell him… that we are all at different levels of consciousness and if he still needs to be mean then that’s why he needs her love… because this is a way they can connect… but he’s told me he’s looking for a deeply higher spiritual romantic relationship.. then he can also have me for this… I will not engage in these activities… and I wanted to talk to him about my amazing partner who introduced me to polyamory… everyone was honest and open… everyone was introduced to their partners so nothing is hidden. I didn’t hang out with her but we knew of each other. I was going to suggest this to him. I wanted to tell him more about the Australian I’m in love with still and said he just needs more time and life experience to step into this relationship. But maybe it seems like you think she might need more life experience as well… and it’s a good idea because ten years isn’t long really and she’ll have a better idea about the world and herself… and she might be at an age that society would think is more acceptable. But I still also deeply feel that if they love one another… to just let it be known…. Be honest and transparent about it…. Expressing love openly is far more healthy then keeping it a secret. And they deserve love too… Yes I was battling back and forth about my thoughts…. I couldn’t sleep well… I tried and got back up to finish the pillow… and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes open I fell asleep. I woke up and was working on finishing the pillow in silence… there were several messages that were going back and forth… What do you really want? What do you really deserve? I continued to question whether I was still believing I’m not worthy of love still? Is that what is happening right now? Am I still putting myself into situations where there’s toxicity tied to relationships? Really… I’m still doing this… and it was the universe who is getting me to question everything… What do I really want? I want to have someone who fully loves themselves so I can love them fully… in return I truly love myself so I can be loved fully. What do I really deserve? I deserve to be loved…. Not in secrecy not as the second mistress… a love partner… I was telling myself that I’m hearing a call from my partner… and I want to find someone who is healthy enough to receive my love. I can’t help it but my messages are weird and it’s getting used to it but at times I feel like I’m talking to someone…and they were suggesting to me that I should just leave…. Reminding me of the dream with his temper… you don’t want to get him angry… and I agreed that I don’t want that to happen… but I wasn’t finished with the pillow and I was getting close. I continued and they both arrived… again I was friendly… and said I’m getting close to being finished. They were doing their own projects.. but their demeanor was different today. They were all work today and no play… and I noticed he still didn’t want to have a conversation and I didn’t want to have one with him either. I started to feel my exhaustion with this entire situation. But all I wanted to do was finish the pillow and get the hell out of here. And so I did… I cleaned up and placed the pillow on the couch and started to put my belongings back into the van. I went ahead and gave people hugs even though my skin wanted to crawl. And she stopped me and said… are you finished with the pillow? I said yes… it’s on the couch. She said I thought you wanted to see my reaction? I told her… well you told me that you don’t like that and you don’t really care… so I think… why do I care how you react? And I got into the van and left. I really do hope she realizes that I was trying to show her a non-manipulative type of love. I wanted to do something without anything in return from her… and it was just out of the kindness of my heart… and kindness is not weakness… just because I don’t show all my cards up front means I’m ignorant and that they missed out on an opportunity for some deep conversations, growth, and friendship. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I’m still open they will want to increase their conscious levels. I’m definitely on empty right now… but I wanted to write this down and now I want to pass out. Ok… until next time… enjoy and continue to love ourselves

Good morning… so awesome start to the week! My pops and I were able to go to my cousin’s new house up north to share in some family time for the holidays… great big old home that’s super warm and welcoming and had a blast with everyone. We’re gamers and so got a chance to play some new games… the first was Seven Wonders I think… and it was a bit tricky getting the rules, but I had beginner’s luck and did really well playing my cousin and her two kiddos… who are growing so fast.. the youngest had his 20th birthday on Monday… and her daughter who’s 24. We got to cook together in their kitchen which is probably my favorite activity to share during the holiday season… well cooking and games… so perfect! Monday…. I’ve been waiting a week to go to my first beginner’s jam. I knew I was going to love it and it was far more than expectations obviously because I couldn’t imagine all the nuance and details of emotions I was going to experience. And I didn’t know the players who were going to attract together to share in this moment. I went a little early to meet with the gentleman I met a week earlier at a drum troupe practice. It was an old building which had so much character. He gave me a tour which was music studio/living quarters/workshop…. I absolutely loved it and briefly met his dog Indy… maybe a labordoodle mix? But guys started to arrive with their own instruments and wasn’t certain exactly where I was going to find myself… but I ended up with the electrical drum kit. And there ended up being six of us… I guess there was a seventh who showed up because he happened to hear the music as he was driving by… he’s from Indy and happened to be in Anderson. He’s a karaoke singer and it was nice to have him stop by but there was something about someone who comes into a jam session and wants us to stop just to hear him sing…. Hehe… he finally sang along with us… I guess that was just the point… we’re here to connect and share into the musical collaboration. But anyway it was really fucking awesome! I had sat at an acoustical drum kit before. I was dating a musician what nine years ago for a little bit… I went to a few practices where they let me play a little bit… but nothing like this… it was close to three hours on the kit… and I wasn’t by myself… I was with a group of seasoned musicians who were very inspiring and encouraging. I love it! I remember having like four different minds connected to the hands and feet… when I started I just started with my hands… I felt a bit comfortable with this. It did seem that I heard and felt a beat that continued to thread itself throughout the night. I kept trying to get to different rhythms but i could hear these original beats returning and peaking through during the duration of the evening. But dynamics started building on top of it. I was oozing with excitement… I couldn’t stop from giggling of pure bliss in the entire experience. First of all I haven’t found owning instruments so to walk into a studio and be allowed to pick an instrument and give it a go is a blessing. So just being there in the first place warmed my heart and soul. The indoor fire pit might have helped to the warmth too… hehe. But then again… being able to kind of hear a way to sync with the sounds was happening… not to the extent by the fire… but there was something there. I’m still so new to this language I could feel myself finding a simple beat but desire to explore to add more complimentary variety which at times worked but mostly just the potential for something… hehe… it was funny to listen back to the two and a half session the owner recorded for us. During the jam I knew at times I was on but majority being a bit off…hehe… but when I watched it again… I was like holy shit.. there was so much of the music being played by the players that I missed. It’s not like I couldn’t hear them… but I was so focused that I missed their communication of brilliance that I was able to hear in the video… but also telling the drummer… hey girl… shush a bit… there’s some amazing juice here and you’re not adding to the flavor right now… but I know that I can’t learn without going through that struggle of giving it a chance and explore the mistakes to gain confidence. It was fun to struggle through the jam. I could hear the moments where everyone’s musicality was increasing and peaking and I could feel it but couldn’t execute reciprocation of balanced harmony… but I was definitely reciprocating elevated energetic enthusiasm. I want to be able to express myself in every way possible. Again a new language I’m being introduced to where I have a desire to learn and I understand that I’m ready to attract more of this in my life and hell yeah… finally!!! Not that having it any sooner would’ve been better… I wouldn’t have been ready for it… so it’s the perfect timing with the perfect people and the perfect situation… so I wouldn’t have appreciated it if it was before the time it was. I had to gain enough confidence to even exist in this space and so it’s exciting to see I’ve gotten to this point. There’s so much I would like to express but feel like my words are going to be falling short per usual. But I’ve got some cool stuff in the next week that I’ll briefly mention. Yesterday the girl from the hostel needs a place to stay in Indy while she’s working so a message went out to see if anyone can help her out. There weren’t anyone responding and I started to think about a recent buddy I met downtown who has a cool spot and feel like he would be open to this because it seems like he’s craving some attention. So I messaged him and he said he’s down. As I messaging to let them know I have an option… I started to think… hey I’ve been wanting to stay with him too so we can talk about creating apps and websites… so I mentioned I’ll join her at this spot. I’ll pick her up and drop her off from work. I messaged her last night and I’m going to take her to the goodwill outlet when she gets off work and give her some practice time driving on the highway in the city while she’s here. She’s so stinking adorable… I’m so happy we met… yeah I feel like I can get that sister feeling I don’t share with my younger sisters… so I’m loving it. She’ll be going back to Wisconsin next week to get her driver’s license so she can go volunteer in Asheville for the hurricane recovery. But yeah… so heading there today, spending the night with them, hangout out more with my new buddy on Thursday before returning back to my hometown so I can pick up my childhood girl friend on Friday… so we can spend a few days together. She’s willing to share time with me even though her dogs won’t be able to come with us. We’ll be going to the hostel… the manager is hosting a wild game party which will serve meats he hunted and then have games including the Chicken game I’ve spoken about. We’re going a day early to help setup and prepare for the event. People will be showing up Saturday… and that day will be filled with laughter I’m sure. Sunday is up in the air… I’m not sure if we’ll stay one more night at the hostel or if we’ll go ahead and continue down to Kentucky early. I met a beautiful soul during the intention convention who invited me to come to her home in Lexington for a dinner party and ecstatic dance party at her home. She said that we could spend the night too which is awesome! So we’ll head back home on Tuesday. Again I have these ideas of how things will go… but I’m trying to be more open to spontaneity. This will be the general outline and guidance… but so curious to experience all the details. Ok… I want to start getting myself together before I head out. Until next time… enjoy! here’s a clip that i made for IG reel on first jam session, but not last IMB_75Bb6b.mp4

OK…. So… it seems like every time I go somewhere I get more motivation to add more projects onto my list… hehe… so… I’ve gotten messages to allow space in my schedule. And I want to… I love spontaneity… and I love to contribute because these are all areas I want to build upon. So where to start. I went to a djembe troupe practice last night. I love being part of their group… my hands were throbbing with energy and I love it! It feels so good to be connected and creating such powerful vibrations with a group. It’s normally three women and two men who are the usuals… and I make four women… but there were two other men who joined us last night. One of them has a music studio in a neighboring city. He hosts impromptu jams for beginners. He says he teaches in a unique way and I’ll get a taste of that next Monday. I don’t have to own an instrument. They are provided and it’s encouraged to play instruments that we aren’t use to playing. So it’s getting out of our comfort zone and try new things while everyone there is doing the same thing. he told me to come early and he’ll show me around and get me acclimated to his approach to teaching music. So I’ve got that on my schedule and looking forward to it. So yes… one of the main areas I want to focus on is what I’ve been wanting to gain skills in… music! It was so powerful and fulfilling when I was hearing the music at the drum circle that weekend with strangers playing around the fire. I can notice it when we are doing a free style drumming. People start to play a rhythm and I start to hear a beat that compliments the rhythm. In this state it’s not exactly how it felt when i was drumming around the fire… i heard a melody that I was trying to drum but I didn’t know how to drum it on the steel drum I was holding and so I just started singing it. I could hear it and I just used my voice as the rhythm… and in between the rhythm there were spaces to add lyrics but I didn’t have the lyrics yet… just the understanding that there is space to have it. And one day it will come. The night I was drumming with them around the fire I took a half a hit of marijuana which I know helps my mind quiet down and just flow with the music… and I want to be able to get there without using marijuana which I know is going to happen as well. When I’m in ceremony with Aya… it just happens… I mean it can be complete silence and then music just becomes the space. It overcomes me and it sounds so different each time I sing. it isn’t a build up it just exists and whatever the energy is… that’s where it is… I feel it and actually I already start to sing before I get the nuisance of the mood that is being shared. I guess that’s just how ceremony goes for the most part… when I’m helping someone I’m the vessel and I get moved to be in that space and while I’m moving I get more context of why… but I don’t even care of the why most of the time… I just understand it’s what is and it’s perfect in that moment. Ceremony is becoming Reality… however in this state of consciousness… its a bit delayed… I can observe how it shows up and how I work with it until it’s just there and I want to express it. It’s different but I enjoy this too… It’s happening where it will just come but it’s a process in this degree of consciousness… but I want to integrate musicality everywhere I go. And so it’s nice to see that opportunities are here and be able to explore this more. I’m very excited about it. It makes me wish I had instruments to play with… I have my flute and traveling drum… so I play but not as much as I think I would… maybe it’s the addition of having people to play with? But I also get inspired at times… just like the song breakdown that I kept hearing and finally I was like I can play this… and found videos to put together and finally I was like I want to sing this to him… and it came very easily to add it to the movements. It was only a few days and I was able to do this because I was inspired. I get that way when I”m drawing, painting, sewing… when I’m inspired nothing stops me from expressing myself. I keep thinking about the number 4… The summer I got back from Peru and I was in Colorado looking for an ashram… I had the number 4 appear to me… it kept changing shapes… well it was always a number 4 but the material kept changing… anyway… I didn’t know what it meant and I remember that I said I hope it’s not 4 years before I return to the jungle. Time is weird for me… but has it only been two years since I seen this? It seems like it’s been forever ago… but it’s only been two years, yeah… and so I have two more years… to what? It took me four years of conscious spiritual work to experience the Awakening… maybe it’s going to take me four years for my consciousness to get acclimated into this state… I continue to feel like I’ve got the hang of it.. but it starts to pickup again… so I have to continue to ground myself. Oh my goodness… My little buddy… he is so stinkin adorable… I feel so bad because he’s been literally attached to my hip and my stomach and my shoulders… hehe… he won’t get off of me for long. Watching him react to me being gone for days at a time… I was gone for a week last time and he is not dealing with it well…. I’m thinking it’s because he’s here at my dad’s place. I’m not sure but this isn’t the place for him to stay long periods of time alone. He will drive himself mad. I don’t like leaving him behind either. I keep meeting people who live in their vehicles… and I’m thinking that might be the move I’ll be making here shortly. There are situations that don’t want me to have a cat and if we have our own space that we can take with us… he’ll be able to be with me but can stay in our vehicle if he has to…. We can find areas where he can get out and explore… he loves that and I love that for him too. I love loving on him too… he’s my little guy and we’re just a pair. I keep on thinking about specific visions I got of people lately too… especially two of them… the one where I’m walking up to a fire with a group of people already there and there is a young man… I don’t know I”m not good with ages… but he’s like in his twenties and he’s wearing a toboggan and we recognize one another and he nods his head. I guess the other vision that keeps coming up to mind is not of a person… it seems like I was in a room and on a bed and there’s a fan on and there seems to be a red light on… and I watch Elvis walking in front of the fan on the bed walking towards me. I have a feeling like it’s during a ceremony… they keep coming up and I keep thinking that these are going to be in the States… I don’t know whether they are or not but it gets me thinking that if I have two more years left… maybe it’s two years left in the States and another reason why living in a vehicle continues to come up… maybe I should be traveling more. It’s weird because I feel like I want to have a home base here in Indiana… but I feel like I don’t have to remain in Indiana the whole time… I’ll have moments of exploration too. But I keep adding more on my schedule… is this what I should be doing? What have I said yes to? I guess it’s not official for many events… I just know there are many events coming but which ones have I said yes to? The one is my class reunion… this is a yes and we haven’t set a date to this yet. I’m wanting it to be in the summer… and the location I want to have it I need to see what available weekends are to give our class time to choose which will work for most of us. I’ll assume it’s going to be in July or August. There is a festival for the anniversary couple that I said yes to as well and it’s June 7th, right? Let’s see… yes… that’s correct. And I want to say yes to this… they have aspects that I feel they will allow me to learn as they are learning. I started to look up sponsorship approaches… and it’s an unknown territory but I still would like to make steps into this direction. I know eventually for the Spiritual Expeditions I’ll be wanting to partner with several sponsors so I want to start getting experience in this area. They told me that they’re gong to start in January because they heard this is when companies get their money and some of it is set aside for donations… I asked if they’re going to do any planning during the month of December so we are ready for January… they said they haven’t really started that but it sounds like a good idea. So we’ll see…. I want to do this but I have to be honest that I’m not quite to the inspiration stage to this quite yet. I feel like I should meet with them again and get a better idea of who they are and what they’re event stands for. I have an idea but I feel like I want to get to know them more. I guess I’m been noticing the communities I’ve been introduced to… I’m also wondering if I’m jumping ahead… I had made notes about the meetings… I made summaries of each community… I sent the rough drafts to each property for them to review and finalize and then I’ll post them all together. It’s been almost three weeks and nobody has done any finalizations… so I just ended up putting them all together and posted it so I don’t have to be the middle man. They all just go to the group document and make the changes there. I guess I want to see how much they are looking for networking opportunities… many people have the best intentions but they might not actually be ready… and that’s why I’m wondering if I’m jumping the gun with them. I find it interesting that there were no steps taken from their side… it is near the end of the season and they are worn out… but it would’ve been nice to see some type of reciprocation. So yeah…. Maybe I don’t want to go all in when I feel not everyone is on the same level of reciprocation. Since I posted the group document… I feel like this is off my plate now… I’ll check back through the winter to again see if anyone takes any steps forward. It would be nice to go and visit these communities… but are these the communities I’m going to be working with actually… like actually ready to work together with? Hehe… the ashram temple isn’t ready to work together however, I know it’s one of my communities I’ll be involved with… so I guess I’m curious to see which communities I’m drawn to. I’m drawn to one of them… and I’m not sure if they’re ready to reciprocate either… hehe… but I do have a strong feeling it’s one of the communities I want to place more energy towards… There are areas the communities want help in… and I think I can help in these areas and maybe that’s where I’ll start… just smaller projects to get chances to observe and learn more of whom I’m curious to work with. Since I applied for the storytelling grant I saw all of these areas that I want to build skills in… and one is video documentaries. Working with cameras, lighting, sound, syncing time codes… etc… I’ve been finding people who are already doing this in a way and I’m sure I can learn from them… but I feel like they’re schedule is quite full and I don’t want any excuses to not be able to build a skill that I’m wanting to gain. I’ll continue practicing with the equipment I have and will keep my eye open for obtaining more equipment along the way. The man who has the music studio also was talking about his recording and videography he’s been doing with his jam sessions… so I plan on checking out his setup on Monday when I go to the jam. I’ve got my dj buddy who wants me to sing for some of his tracks… so he’s got experience with musical digital mixing which is also skills I want to build… i want to make music for the documentary as well… mostly for ceremonies… but I’d enjoy creating music and recording sounds and creating too… I can see working on this more and again… most of these opportunities are here in Indiana. But there’s land that I keep thinking of too… hehe… There’s a park in Kentucky that I’d like to visit… and I keep getting all of these hot springs in my feeds that look so very enticing… I figure taking baths won’t be in my future as much as I’d like if I go to the vehicle lifestyle… so stopping at hot springs sounds like it would be very beneficial in many ways… but i’ts so grounding and healing for me to be in baths… I won’t be able to clean myself with soap… but spiritual cleansing in hot springs is better, right? Hehe… but I was talking with my dad about how I know where I want to go when I’m traveling… and it looks like that’s just what I’m drawn to do anyway… these areas are just things I want to include in my life more often anyway. I don’t have to wait to start gaining these skills… and I can start now… what am I waiting for? I’m very curious about this potential romantic partner who is in the friend zone for now… if we actually start to make steps towards romance then I’ll definitely allow space for this to grow and explore… but if it’s not going to take steps in this direction… then friendship is where it will be and I’ll be open for romance whenever it comes… at least it looks like I have better ways to understand what communicates to me of someone who I”m actually attracted to in a romantic way… I know when I get better at this… I probably won’t squirm so much and by that time… I’ll just understand myself better and won’t need these types of clues… but for now I’m grateful I get some assistance to get to know where I am right now. I still want to dance, sew, and do art… I feel like this will just make it’s way into my reality and I’ll just be inspired and it’s just a part of who I am. I am curious… there is a drag show/ burlesque show that is at a community I was introduced to… I’d love to make costumes… I wonder if I can assist in this? I’m not sure when this event is held.. but I would like to be open and attract these types of opportunities. I’d like to make a larger effort to allow dance in my life… I absolutely love dancing and I feel like I’m out of shape and not flexible… but I can change this fairly quickly… again I cannot help but the housing I’m in right now doesn’t inspire me to move… there’s not a clean space and it’s cold… hehe… I know it’s excuses… but I also know if my settings change a bit… then I’ll see myself making more room to dance with myself. Of course I enjoy with dancing with others but again not making up more excuses to dance. There is a woman who I met who invited me to her house in Lexington on December 9th. It’s on a Monday and I plan on going down south on the Thursday to help with the dinner party… I want to take my girl friend with me… and maybe we can swing by Lexington too? It’s about 2.5 hours from the hostel… it ends at 8pm sharp so she can put her daughters to bed… so we could make it back to the hostel or we can find somewhere to stay the night closer to Lexington? Of course I’d love to invite my potential partner… but I’m trying to give us more space at this time. I’ll feel him out when I go and visit next time… see how things go. I’m not sure how late my girl friend can stay away from her pets either. So we’ll see but it’s something I’m considering. I’m just thinking about things… but it does look like I haven’t really committed to as much as I thought I had… I have potential to work with many… but I’m going to observe them first before committing to them. I’m definitely more conscious of giving too much right now. I jump in quickly to give… but what’s being given in return? So… I’ll continue to balance this. Well… this is good enough for tonight… Hope everyone enjoys their holiday… I hope it doesn’t take a holiday of thanksgiving to have us be grateful of the lives we get to experience. Until next time… enjoy

Hehe… I already started to type but it seems like I have to start all over. Well… I’m going to attempt to be a romantic novelist and try to share the setting of a shared sexual play I had the opportunity to share. I was given consent to share so why not share some juiciness… I was a bit bewildered but swept up in excitement and curiosity I would love to see how I would express this. So… let’s give it a go… ok The farmhouse was filled with warmth and giggles. I was hunkered down next to the wood stove adding to the fire. My girl friend snuggling up with her blankets while lounging on the couch. As he starts to walk up the creaky stairs he calls my name and asks me to show him what I’ve been working on these past few days. I finish arranging the wood and close the door to the stove and start my accent up the creaky stairs following him down the hall. We enter the last room on the right. This is where he usually sleeps when he stays here at the farmhouse. I showed him where I patched up the small and large holes and added a new coat of paint on each wall. I knew he would be returning, so I made his bed once I got all the furniture back into place. I said I finished the room next door as well. This room is the bunk room which has four twin beds which is for the work traders who come to visit. I was turned toward the back wall and window babbling about the Japanese beetles who have found their way into the room and found heat in the corner of the walls. And I feel his strong hands caress my hips. I stop babbling and before I could do or think of anything else; he swiftly turns my body where we are face to face. He brings my body close to his and my hands intuitively goes from hanging loosely to my sides to bracing myself on his chest and shoulders. As I slowly lift up my eyes to meet his… his hands are synchronized with my movements… rising up my spine which is delightfully ticklish. My chin rises up and my head is thrown back with a huge smile on my face. He catches the back of my head with his fingers tangling into my hair. I hear an enticing moan as he brings his mouth close to my neck. Not to kiss but to exhale a foggy breath of heat and moisture and moves up to my ear where I can hear him moan again. I reciprocate with my own moan of approval. His grip in my hair massages my head and slightly pulls my roots and every hair on my body rises to attention. Wow… ok… this is happening.. I start to think… and as he continues to maneuver his mouth around my body not to kiss but to tease and I stop thinking. We stand together in the middle of the room allowing our hands to roam and explore one another’s body… we exchange moans and tones of excitement, consent, and desire for what’s more to come? We were in a dance of teasing and starting to allow kisses on our necks… maybe on the forehead or a nose or a chin… it was now the tease of not kissing mouth to mouth. Again I feel his hands on my hips and he firmly pushes my body up against the wall. He closes in and compresses his body onto mine and moves my hands up above my head… and continues to move my hair away from my face. He’s moving confidently and smoothly… I’m finding myself just riding the wave of bewildered bliss. He has now grabbed under my thighs lifting me off the ground and taking us to one of the beds. He sits down and places me on his lap while I wrap my legs around him. My body is speaking her own language in this position. Squeezing his body and arching my back and small slow rotations of my hips… my eyes are looking at him in a manner to question how far are we going to take this right now? We’re both smiling knowing wherever it goes… it will be fun! We make our way to his bedroom and get even more comfortable lying on his fuzzy blankets on our skin. He lies down first and has his arm out for me to fit right in next to his side. I don’t hesitate and crawl right into place only for a moment until I want to straddle his body. He has given me a lot of his attention and so I wanted to reciprocate and he allowed me to roam and explore and tease him for awhile… licking, nibbling, and biting… all while allowing my body to speak her own language of curiosity and interest. He gives me time, but he wants to take over again and this time he slowly removes the long-sleeved shirt I have on with little splatters of paint on it. He observes my nude breasts for a moment before licking, nibbling, and biting in such a pleasurable and exciting manner. Holy shit he’s good… holy shit! I get the chance to take his shirt off too so I can press and rub our partially nude bodies against one another. He rotates the breath of heat and moisture to the licking and blowing cool air… goosebumps and tingles everywhere… and I’m trying to keep up and return the favors. He suddenly stops and says wait… he grabs his phone and sets an alarm. We’re supposed to be cooking dinner for the staff and guest tonight. Whatever we are doing… we’re going to have to stop and go cook. We had about 20 minutes left before the alarm will go off. He gently pushes me so I’m laying down on my back and he grabs my legs. He’s moving and arranging them in several positions and starts to lick my toes and massaging my feet. I cannot help but giggle aloud. My arms are to my sides caressing his thighs and tracing over his member and he folds my legs on top of me. He’s lying on top of my calves and knees to my chest and in a split second he removes my black tights with paint splattered on my knees. Well alrighty then, sir… time is not pressuring his artful process of seduction. He begins with heat on my vagina… I am squirming with excitement and he penetrates my pussy with his fingers… his mouth is slowly making his way up my body to my breasts as he continues to penetrate… I’m so wet with pleasure I can hear my juices as he going in and out. His mouth slowly makes his way down… and my body is trying to stay calm as he starts to lick… flicking my lips… yeeessss… oh yessss! He gets in deeper and my body arches and my hands find his hands to grip tightly. He removes one of his hands so he can alternate from licking, blowing cool air and penetration… my knees are bent and I push my pelvis up off the bed and start to turn my body as I pulsate my hips around his head and the alarm sounds… holy shit… are you kidding me? I turn completely over and lay on my stomach with my face in the blankets. Holy fucking shit… ok… we agreed that we need to cook dinner when we hear the alarm, but I’m moving very slowly and hesitantly and even in a bit of a pouty demeanor. Really? I make it to my knees and as he’s getting dressed he continues to play with me. I whisper that I’m going… I’m getting there… and I finally get to my clothes to put back on. Our eyes are fully of satisfaction and yearning… this will have to continue after dinner. I’m following him back down the creaky stairs into the kitchen. My girl friend pops up off the couch and asks if we need help cooking dinner. And I’m like yes please do… I’m a ball of mush right now and I cannot think straight. I had already decided we were going to make breakfast for dinner… so pancakes, bacon, and eggs. He takes over the pancakes and adds an egg, vegetable oil, cinnamon, and nutmeg to the basic batter. She looks at me and chuckles and said… i can do the eggs… what vegetables do we have and what kind of cheese? So yes… I know where things are at and I need to help her find them… I really am not in a clear mind right now… I’m extremely overwhelmed and unable to concentrate. Acclimating myself out of the bedroom into the kitchen with another person who has no clue… well she has a little clue… hehe of what just went down upstairs. But I finally realized that I’m going to be in charge of the bacon. Ok this is the easiest part of this meal… so come on… get yourself together. We’re all sharing laughter and cooking together while the manager makes his way to the farmhouse to join us. Everything was a bit fuzzy and I found moments to tell him this and he giggles and says that’s exactly what he was going for. We have gratitude circle and all I can remember is saying my name and I’m from the world of la la-woo haa land… and because of that I’m unable to think straight and I’m just so grateful the Universe has attracted this moment to experience right now. We eat and again we find ourselves in his bed snuggling. Before we get heated I start to suggest something I want to try. In our break I’m wondering if I’m ready to have sexual intercourse tonight or not… so I want to try to slow it down a bit. I start by saying that I use to give myself self body massages from head to toe. I’ve always wanted to try this with my partner where we mirror one another while we massage each other head to toe. He asked how do we do this and we both chuckle when I said I don’t know… I haven’t tried it before, but we’ll figure it out. And so he said that I already gave him a foot massage before and so he wants to return the favor. So he starts to massage my feet and I said… well.. I’m going to mirror you so I’m going to massage your feet again as well. He starts to suck on my toes and I started to do the same sucking on his toes. He massages my feet and I’m trying to mirror his every action he does to my body I return at the same time on his body. He said well it looks like you’re going to let me lead the direction…and I said I can do both lead and follow, but it feels appropriate to follow right now. And we continued to massage and mirror. I’m sitting on his lap facing him as we massage and scratch our scalp and hair… and move to his ears, his temple, and his chin… his neck and shoulders. He then said that there’s moves he’d like to do that I won’t be able to mirror… so we’re going to have to go back and forth. He starts to massage my arms and pushing pressure points to loosen my muscles. He notices and remarks how I don’t seem to hold much tension in my body. I remark that I’m not a person who gets tense much anymore. He does a series of massages and stretches and he starts to increase the sexiness and I stop him so I can return the favor before we get heated up again. Trying to remember his sequence but end up doing my version of what I remember and just find myself wanting to give his body attention and affection. I’m so grateful to be sharing this experience with him. And I hope he understands how thankful I am for this opportunity. We get heated up and I start to move to his pants and undo his belt and take off his pants. It takes me more than a split second to remove his pants. And now I’m going to return the favor of going down on him. I love licking around his member and creases in his thighs and hips…. I place his member in my mouth and move my throat up and down slowly over his member. Rotating my tongue in circles around his member while rotating my mouth. Soft sucking to more intense sucking… deep throating to focusing on his member’s head… I’m also trying to keep in the manner he has been playing in our session so it was more of a teasing manner. I spit on my hand to lather up slippery hands to jack off his member while I lick and suck his balls. He positions me so he can reciprocate and we enjoy time sucking and licking one another. I really enjoy fellatio. I even thought maybe I would be able to get him off in this manner, but he seemed to not be ready to finish at this time. He repositions me so he can focus on going down on me and I can feel myself wanting to explode. As he gets me squirting he inserts his penis inside my vagina and we finally connect and penetrate deeply. We waited so long and it was much more satisfying delaying our satisfaction. We’re also sharing deep kisses mouth to mouth by this time and it’s hot and rewarding. I’m toning and moaning with absolute delight and he whispers if I keep it up… he’s going to cum. I assume he didn’t want to yet and so I apologized but I couldn’t stop myself of voicing my pleasure and shortly he cums inside. He said we should have probably talked about this before we started, but he has gotten a vasectomy and didn’t think it would be an issue to cum inside. And I was thankful that was the case and admitted how much I really enjoy the act of ejaculation inside of me. So… this is what I’ve been waiting to experience for all these years of celibacy. Interesting? It was exactly what I was looking for without knowing what I was looking for.

Ok… good morning… I had a series of weird dreams and it took me on a trip of my mind and how it works sometimes still… and it’s interesting… and it also reminded me of another area that I was thinking of when it comes to this specific location and when I’m observing him. So… let’s start off with the dream I first had that my mind was subconsciously thinking of… so I was at a shared hostel setting but it wasn’t really the same space as it is in the physical reality but it seemed like nothing was really unusual. It was like it was just a normal day there… well it was more like a normal evening. We were making dinner together… I’m not sure i feel like it was just the two of us cooking and it was he and I but it felt like it was just four of us that we were cooking for. So it felt like it was the two of us, the nineteen year old girl and the manager. geesh before I continue… I guess I should mention that I did get a message before I slept that there are some messages that are standing out to me and it’s hard to explain but I did have one message that I heard days back about being part of a community that might have something hidden going on and it seemed to imply that it was something that isn’t the healthiest… so I heard this and I still remembered it… but right before sleeping I also received another message that said that I shouldn’t have an emotional reaction and that I should use more logic than emotion… and so this was sticking out to me as well.. and it felt like these two messages were coming up once I had this dream… so let’s continue… So we finished dinner and we placed the plates onto the table and we were going to get the other two so they knew that it was time for dinner. He went to get the girl and I went to get the manager… and I don’t really remember talking to the manager it seemed like he was around the space and he was somewhat there… but not really present just a sense he was around and he was waiting around like I was to wait for the other two to join us. And then I started to notice what I was thinking… he was gone for a long time and I hadn’t seen the young girl… and I started to think that oh my goodness… he keeps my relationship secret… so what’s to stop him to keep many other relationships secret as well…. And so I started to think that maybe when he is gone for a long time that he’s having make out sessions with someone else… and so I remember thinking of my goodness I hope this isn’t the case but I started to walk to the young girls room and as I was opening the girls door I was hoping that I wasn’t going to see what I was about to walk into… I was hopeful that it was all in good nature… but I opened the door and called out her name and I saw him and the young girl in bed together and moving away from one another and I said oh no… I can’t believe this… and she was a little flustered and I said… she’s only nineteen… you’re in your mid forties… this is not right… and I started to walk out… and I heard him say something and I turned back around to talk again and I asked… did you just say that I’m acting like this because I’m jealous… and he said yes… and I was like… holy shit what’s going on here and I started to feel like I had to run away from this community and I started to feel like he wasn’t a safe space any longer and I felt like I was in danger. As I was running away I heard her say I can’t believe she just opened my door what if I was taking a bath or something… and I just kept running until I got to my room. I was in a room that had a door but it didn’t have a lock and it was a sliding door but for some reason there was a sliding curtain thing that was there too and there was a hook thing on the wall so I was rigging it so it was going to be really hard to open up the sliding doors… I was thinking that he was going to try to stop me from leaving… and after I got it closed and somewhat locked I looked around and saw a window that was high on the wall and I climbed up and saw that I was able to fit out of the window to escape if anyone was going to try to break in. I was looking at all my belongings and I thought how am I going to take everything… and I was thinking just get away who cares if you take anything with me… and right about this time I woke up. And I was laying there… and I was like ok? What the hell does this mean? I did feel like the character in the dream wanted to be emotional and my body in my bed was fairly calm but as I was laying there it started to get a little uncomfortable… I was wondering what the hell… is there some type of sexual distortion going on? Is he using this space to sexually exploit his deviant sexual pleasures? Is this another fucking situation where I found some type of crazy sex scandal? And then I started to question why in the hell has my body been communicating in a manner that I assumed was a potential romantic partner… was it squirming because it actually noticed that there was something off about this man? So I noticed this was going on but I was also tired… and I kept remember to not be emotional and be more logical…and I ended up falling back to sleep and I remembered the dreams that followed… which again help to put the first one in better context for me. And I don’t remember them in such a huge detail but I kept waking up at different moments for me to recontextualize. My dreams went back to my classmates… so it was with people that I’m fairly comfortable with… and I’m more accepting of who they are and possible lessons they are learning… and so there was one buddy of mine who was with me and I started to have dreams of him wanting to be violent with guns involved…. And in the dream… I again wasn’t being emotionally moved but I woke up and was like… ok… this is not the character of my buddy… even though he has guns… he’s not going to be using them to murder people in a crazy frenzy… so to me it showed me that my dreams and mind can show me unconscious thoughts and depending on how familiar I am with people will see whether I start to allow my mind to go on tangents of neverending avalanche of thoughts of uncertaininty and distrust… but with this old buddy of mine it was right away to notice that mind dismissed the dream and was like… that isn’t him. So I started to calm down about the potential romantic partner I’m dealing with… I’m still getting to know him… and there’s a part of me who is scared that I might be choosing someone who isn’t the best for me. It’s challenging for me to want to surrender to a relationship where I’m not trying to keep an escape route… just in case… I’ve been mentioning this while I’ve been expressing is how I have a foot in and a foot out just in case… and that it takes a while to feel comfortable in a space and around a community… it’s like a fear response of flight… that this would be my way to leave if I’m not feeling comfortable… and I’ve been in several situations where I feel like I find myself in what could be considered toxic and I use to not care of my personal safety and stayed in these situations until I was experience the toxicity before I realized it was time to leave… it’s like I didn’t really want to believe that the toxicity was going on… and when I started to notice this… I went to the extreme of leaving at the drop of a dime… but again I continue to find a balance and at times I realize that I can judge a situation fairly early and I start to remember the messages I get and that at times I just want to leave but there’s something for me to experience and learn from… so I should be patient and see what I’m not seeing past my original judgement. A good example is the temple farm… there was quite a bit of resistance while I was there… but I also gained so much insight and found a community that I enjoyed… granted I felt restricted in expressing myself authentically and being accepted however I see the potential and it was a safe space even though it can use a little more work to make it a great safe space. But this community and space… it was fairly soon to the space that I felt like it was a safe space. My body is responding to this safe space and I’m starting to have break through moments and I really do want to feel comfortable because I can see how I can stop holding myself from full expression of who I am… and I understand this… but again I can still notice the subtle moments of my mind still not wanting to trust my own feelings… and questioning if my judgements are accurate… am I trying to make the situation something that it’s not. I had some continued dreams of my classmates.. I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking about my reunion… but people started to come to me as if we were in a dream space… where they were asking me for help… and I was able to move around easier to get what they wanted more quickly as well… I just don’t have many distractions and high degrees of focus and clarity when someone needed something… I would be able to go and get it done… and it was as if I wasn’t questioning what the needs are that they were asking for… I remember there was one guy who was asking me to get him drugs.. and I found myself getting it for him and not flinching… and I’m not like this when I’m in the waking world… but yeah even who I am in my dream can be skewed to the image people may have on me… and this kind of reminds me right now… that the potential partner also doesn’t really understand my psychedelic choice of spiritual practices. He had used the word drug when it came to Aya and so I understand that this is something unconsciously he doesn’t really have a direct experience with psychedelics to see it far more than a drug. But using the word drug also implies that he doesn’t trust this way either… and so I can see h im not wanting to trust me either because of the choices I make. Just being more empathetic of doubts he is processing when he’s getting to know me better as well… I feel like I want to have more time with him in private to get to know one another better… but I also noticed that I can show who I am when we aren’t together privately as well An example is when I was left alone at the farmhouse…. He actually started to see the actions I choose when I’m by myself… this communicates a lot that I wouldn’t be able to show if we were together… I am struggling trying to participate in a community dynamic and it’s a bit chaotic for me with so much activity and what I feel like there is so many distractions that its challenging for me to focus… but he’s been able to observe how I move in a space and speak with people when I’m comfortable again which tells more about how I am then just a one on one conversation together… and so… it’s been a blessing that we haven’t had so much one on one time together to gain a better understanding… especially of how I behave in this style of moving in life… this isn’t necessarily what I’m drawn to and so observing this should be giving him intel… and he’s intelligent and very intuitive… but I also want to continue to remind him that I’m still working on getting comfortable moving in this manner…and I’m adjusting but this isn’t what I’ve chosen to live in recently… so… right now this is a good move to not have so much one on one time… we’re still trying to see if we’re actually safe people to be around. As much as I’d love to have one on one time… not to rush this has been a blessing and giving us feedback that is necessary to hopefully want to take down our walls and feel safe to express vulnerably… in depths that we haven’t experienced yet. But we haven’t gotten to this stage in our relationship yet… and this is perfectly fine. I’m already wondering how I’m going to manage all the people and projects that I’ve been getting introduced to just by being in Indiana for almost two months. It’s exciting but I also feel like how am I going to balance my own energies? How am I not going to drain myself because of how excited I am… I see that I’m aware of this… so it’s not going to go to extrémeme as far as I would go before…but still I think I’m taking it farther than I’d like… I feel like I want o rest for the next few days because I’m just so exhausted from laboring so much last week. A lot of the projects I’m wanting to move forward with won’t be laboring… and so I feel like I’d much rather work on these projects right now. They’re also skills I’m wanting to build so it’s also more attractive to me. So… the insight I gained while I’ve been observing this community and also the founder. I started to almost categorize communities that I deal with into specialties… I was feeling like this is a wonderful place for youthful energies… which makes sense since this falls right into line of his mission of this space. It’s a sandbox, playground, summer camp vibes to remind the importance of play and youthfulness to balance our lives… and I am drawn to have more play in my life as well.. but I do find myself wondering if being in the space for too long will support me to go too far in the play mode… but again this will be my lesson to balance out. But there has been wonderful youth that I’ve met here and again the category of play and youth seems to be apparent here and I really thought this is a great place for connecting with the youth which I haven’t found in the communities that I’ve found thus far. I’m sharing space with the youth here… and as much as it’s not what I”m use to… but I’m enjoying it so much… and I really enjoy watching him as well when dealing with the youth… I don’t have much context but this young girl at the hostel has been wonderful to see them play as brother and sister…. Her grandmother wanted her to look into this hostel to see if it could be beneficial for her at the time and she started to do the monthly interviews… and finallly the founder invited her to join the community and he travels a lot and was around her area and offered to pick her up to take to the hostel. She’s been here since September and now she’s wanting to go towards her next adventure. She wasn’t sure where to go… she was trying to apply for ski resorts and did a few interviews… but she found a volunteer opportunity for the hurricane victims in Asheville… and so she was far more motivated to go there. So he is helping her get to this destination… she didn’t have a car or a license… so he’s purchase a car for her where she will be paying him back for it. She needs to get a license so she needs to get temporary work to pay for this… and he placed a post on FB where people were wanting to help her out and offered her opportunities to make some money… this is why I was left alone for sometime… he was taking her to the different positions… some came and picked her up to… but he’s trying to show her what steps can be taken to get what you want in life. He’s taken her out four times to learn how to drive… I was with them the last time and it was so sweet to watch them… and how nervous she was… I was trying to get her to relax because of the way she was carrying herself there was so much tension throughout her body… but she didn’t want to relax.. she was going to take it seriously and wants to do a good job in front of him.. so yeah… I’ve really enjoyed watching this aspect of him and what he’s been creating in his community… And I can recognize this… and any subconscious doubt that is trickling in… is my lessons of trust and not his problem… I don’t want it to be a problem either… so I’m grateful that I went through this rollercoaster last night… ok… I’m still laying in bed typing… but I’m actually still tired… so I’m going to sleep for another few hours before getting up. It was fresh in my mind and wanted to remember… but.. until next time… enjoy ourselves

Alright… I’m back at my pops house tonight… and it feels so good to be back with my cat Elvis… he is so happy to see me… and I could tell how much he was anxious without me there… and how relieved he is when I’m back here… I’m looking forward to giving him a bunch of attention while I’m back. I left the hostel this morning to go back to Indy to participate in a drumming and dancing event… its a diversity drum circle where many cultures are represented and it was held at the global village and I hadn’t been to the new location and I really enjoyed the feel of the space… and so happy to be there and get the chance to visit with so many lovely people… I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with everyone… I’m pretty tired still so I don’t think I’ll be typing long but we’ll see how that goes… hehe… I just was sitting here and I started to notice that there was something I was missing from the week… I started to notice that I wasn’t getting triggered to extremes when I was dealing with this guy… I was wondering why am I being guided to share experiences with him and why him… and I started to remember the different times he was dealing with me… and I watched myself not being triggered and actually thankful that he was addressing the things on his mind. One was a direct conversation and one was indirectly but I had received a message to not overreact and I wasn’t sure what that meant but I didn’t overreact because it wasn’t making me offensive… hehe… it was cool to recognize this… I really could see how much growth I’m receiving right now… but this wasn’t so clear until I was sitting here playing a game… and so let’s see what these two situations were… so I was left alone at the farmhouse for a few days… and I loved it because I had projects to work on… when I started I was probably seeding him because I heard him saying that he doesn’t trust people easily.. and I made a comment on the group chat to the likes of… oh man… it’s going to be dangerous leaving me alone in the farmhouse… I was joking around because I was given a job to use the putty to patch up holes left from the staff through the season and to repaint the walls when needed… and so I started to do this… and it’s an old farmhouse which is being well used and so it the furniture the entire space… and so I wanted to take the time to pay attention to the space. There was one room which had a hole cutout of the wall and had a blanket over it. And since I had been working at the manager’s house I knew we had material for me to cover the hole and not allow the air to come through… so they like to take pictures of what we are doing towards the job.. and when I sent the first message I also sent a picture of the patches I was doing in the a few rooms… and then I sent the picture of patching the hole… and the response was… oh I hope that’s easy to remove because that’s going to be a window… it was a summer project that didn’t get finished but the room is so hot so having a window will be nice…. But since it’s going to be shut down for winter… then it’s not a bad idea to cover it up… and I said yes it’s easy to remove… and so I continued… it was time to start painting and I was supposed to use the paint color warm Carmel… but I couldn’t find that particular color… there were several colors and some with a lot of paint but I asked if I should use the colors we already have or should I go buy the warm Carmel… and it was said to go and buy the particular shade. I was supposed to go to Walmart to grab the paint and it was late so I was going to buy it and he’d just reimburse me. So I went and they didn’t have that color… there was spray paint with that color but not interior paint… so I found a similar color and asked if I should buy transcend instead? And he said that it would be fine but to get two gallons so the rooms can be universal in color. And so I did and I started to paint that night… the next day in the mid day the manager came over to see what I was doing… he said that the founder asked him to check up on me… he’s afraid that I wasn’t doing the job he was asking me to do… and that I was trying to fix things that wasn’t asked of me… but when he saw me he saw that I was painting and that I had two rooms almost done.. and he said… well… it looks like you’re doing what he asked so cool… I’ll let him know. And I got a message from him saying that he’s grateful of all the love I’m showing the farmhouse right now… and I hearted his message… for a second i wanted to think… well why would he think that I wasn’t going to do what he wanted… and then I started to chuckle… and I said… well honestly it’s not like I didn’t think about doing much more than what he asked… hehe… I could see many things that I would do to fix up the space and get it ready but I decided to just focus on what he asked for because I didn’t have months to do all the things I would do… so I chuckled that intuitively he knew that I might have that tendency to do extra without permission and he’s true… and I’m more of a type to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. But I also had a feeling of how I work with the hoarders in my life… I can only do so much change before it’s really uncomfortable… and so I was thinking about that when I was painting and patching… there are three colors used in the rooms and I only focused on the two which was the transcend and white… the black walls which are the chalk walls I didn’t touch because it had writings and drawings on them… and they seemed very nice and hostel like and showed personality… and so I decided to not patch or paint those walls and I’m glad I didn’t because I think it helped him not have too many changes… I’m noticing me wanting to care and pay more attention to spaces while I’m there… they are getting well used and I feel grateful to have these spaces to have and experience inside them and with so many people and activities going on that sometimes they get a little neglected and so I really enjoy caring for them… and yes I wanted to spend even more time.. but it’s not my place to do so… even though I was thinking how would I treat this space if it was my space…and so it’s finding a balance right now. But yes… I could see in the past getting all worked up about him not trusting me to do what he asked… but I thought it was funny he read me so well… but I gained a little bit of his trust because I was doing what he asked and the rooms look great and now they are all universal in color which they were not before. And the second time that seemed like it would be a good time to get triggered… I handled it pretty well… he was being honest with me and he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to say something to me or not… but he thinks I might have a deodorant issue… hehe… and he started out by saying… are you the type who likes to be told if I have broccoli in my teeth type of person… I said ummm yeah…and then he was being very hesitant and then I said holy shit what? And then he said it… and I didn’t really know how to respond at that moment but I told him that I’m glad he said something. And I did feel a bit embarrassed that he said it… but again… a little bit later we were able to talk about it more… I told him that I did kind of warn everyone how I can get fixated on projects… I was by myself and there was one day I didn’t eat at all and then I kept getting up at 4ish in the morning to continue working because it was on my mind to get everything done… I wasn’t only working on the farmhouse I was also working at the manager’s house… and since I was sleeping at the farmhouse I could work on it night and early mornings… and so I was getting fixated… I could see myself doing it and I was trying to adjust but I wish I could do better but I wasn’t where I wish to be. But I was only bathing about every other day. I told him he surprised me when he wanted to make out with me too… yeah I did not take a shower before this session because I really didn’t think he was interested in me in that way really. It felt like he was treating me like everyone else.. and so I wish I had a clue that it was something he’d be interested in because yeah I would be better prepared… and I wouldn’t have approached this time to be a work week… I was getting paint on all my clothes and in my hair and I was waking up doing things over and over again… and so I was wearing myself out… when he said this to me… early that day in the meeting I said my ambition was to take a bath and rest for the entire afternoon… that’s what I knew I wanted because I wasn’t taking care of myself and wanted the afternoon to pamper myself. I mean we had group activities that didn’t give me the entire afternoon to myself but I did finally get an hour and a half to take a bath but I didn’t care if I was going to be late to the meeting… there’s so many schedules and I was putting so much on my plate that I didn’t want to miss meetings but when I take a bath and relax I want to take my time at it and not have to set a watch to make it to a meeting… hehe… yes I know I can be a bit spoiled but I like to spoil myself. And by the way… I did not go into this much detail when I was talking to him… but it’s the journaling process to express myself fully. But I even told him that I’m out of practice of trying to attract a partner as well… I’ve been trying to do the opposite and repel partners… hehe… he laughed and said I’m too pretty and nice to be able to do this… and I said well it’s not like I want to do this… I was just afraid to have to tell guys all the time that I wasn’t interested in them sexually… and so yes I’m not the best at being aware of my odors… but also it’s really a slow process for me to get use to a space and community too. It’s the third weekend for me to go and volunteer and visit and this is the first time I slept inside the farmhouse with the staff… I’m starting to get more comfortable so I’m opening and using more of the items there… an example is the kitchen equipment… it feels like I’m in a new space that isn’t mine so I don’t just go and act like this is my stuff to use… but eventually I’ll feel like it’s a space that is allowing me to do this. I mean they have a washer and dryer and this is the first time that I used it… this time I could see myself getting more comfortable and feeling like I can be a community member here. But anyway… bottom line is I want to smell good and I want to be attractive… and I’ll get better at this. So yeah… I was appreciative that he said something.. but I also was wondering if he took into consideration anything in context… it’s not like I was like this the other two times that I was here… I didn’t put that much responsibility on my plate and took much more time away from working and I am able to take baths and showers and it’s not a problem… so I was wondering if he noticed there might’ve been something different this time. Maybe not… but it was interesting how he acted once I was back from my shower though too. So we had already talked about the whole breakup sex thing with the scarves and rawness… and I thought it would be funny if I wore one of those scarves I mentioned… so I took a bath and was smelling fresh and clean… I put on even a little pheromone perfume and then I added a scarf around my neck… I was curious if he was going to say anything but when I got back to the farmhouse… I just made it back for the meeting which was the gratitude circle before dinner with a minute to spare… whew… which by the way is how most people arrive with a minute to spare or a few minutes after… but I made it and we did the circle and ate… and instead of him wanting to be closer… it seemed like he wanted to be farther away… but it did seem like he was also watching me more though too… so I’m not sure what was going on in his mind. I ended up giving the anniversary couple their second dance lesson and I was in deep with them because I absolutely love getting lovers closer together… I guess he was trying to get my attention before he left… but I didn’t know he was going to be leaving the farmhouse.. I thought he was just going to be staying in one of the rooms again.. but I got a message when I was done that said he tried to get my attention… I said well why didn’t you just come and get me? I asked if he would enjoy a little snuggling tonight and promising I won’t make noise so none of the staff which was one girl would become an audience… and that’s when he said that he left to go to his home. And I said oh.. ok… well I guess another time then… and this is when I really started to ask what the hell am I doing with this guy… why in the hell am I guided to explore this situation.. why is my body getting all squirmish and getting messages on how to approach this relationship… this is when I really said that I need to move this into a friendship zone for right now. I was trying to tell him this a few nights before because it just felt like we were connecting in a way… but nothing deep which again is understandable because he’s processing his breakup still… but this is not what I want from a romantic partner… I want to be romanced… I want to actually date… and that’s not what is happening… and since it’s not… I just want to approach it as a friendship… in fact today I even noticed that I don’t even want to approach a professional relationship with him right now. I was talking to my girl friend and my dad… and it was really apparent to me that I was getting along with the guests far more than expected… but that was because we really were interested in getting to know one another… we found time to have conversations with the two nights they were staying. They were curious about me and I was curious about them… it was a mutual curiousness.. and I’m not finding that with him right now. it seems like majority of the time he gets to hear me express it’s in these group setting in meetings when he asks great questions for the group to answer which have been amazing questions and great ways to get to know one another… but this seems to be the only time we’ve had to have deep conversation… we had a moment of an hour together where i was the squirmy girl… and we had a conversation after we had our make out session.. but even that one I initiated the conversation because it was something i wanted to address because of the importance it is to my life and how I live that I didn’t think he was comprehending… but yeah because he speaks indirectly to me… I find that that’s how I speak to him indirectly…. Through speaking with people around me… and that’s why I felt like he was watching much more at dinner and afterwards… because I think he noticed how comfortable I was with this anniversary couple… and again they loved to ask me questions that I could answer and ask them questions… and that’s when I asked if I could partner up with them in the sponsorship of their festival in front of him. I mention that I think we can work professionally together… but he’s never asked what I’ve meant by this. I feel like he thinks that I’m talking about being a laborer for him… and yeah I’m good at laboring but that’s not what I’m talking about… and since he hasn’t really brought this up… I feel like I’m pulling that off the table for now too… hehe… Again I hope we can work to friendship, professional, and romantic… but we need to just start at friendship… there’s too many red flags for me to jump into romance and professional…. We need time and space… and I’d like to see how this goes for us. I haven’t told him this is the move I’m making right now… but I will… he’s able to express his thoughts about me… and so I want to express my thoughts towards him as well. Did I say that I thought originally I was going to be going back the weekend after Thanksgiving with my girl friend? Well I was thinking about this … but I’ve decided to return the weekend after… yeah I think I did mention this… but I spoke to her and told her because I think it would be nice to just spend a few days as friends instead of staff… we’ll obviously volunteer some hours.. but just the three hours that’s required and nothing more. And yeah… there’s going to be a dinner party and I want to see who ends up showing… it’s the manager’s friends so I’m curious to see who shows up and looking forward to the conversations. I have a feeling that it might be possible once the hostel closes that there might be differences in our relationship and how we communicate… but maybe not… time will tell. But yeah… I wanted to get this out since I was thinking about it. My cat is laying on my chest snoring and its so soothing… I want to sleep as well. So I’ll leave it like this for now… until next time… enjoy and good night

Alright… what a week… hehe… where to even begin… well let’s just say I think I have a better idea of where I am right now… at this moment. I think I’m rushing into the romantic life… I don’t think that’s where we are right now. And I’m interested in building a relationship, but more on the friendship and professional side of things. It’s funny because I mentioned this to him and he said that the romantic and vulnerable side is something that comes easy for him.. but I don’t feel romance coming from him. I’m not even sure if I see the vulnerability either. I see the honesty and I see him being friendly and we even had a hot make out sessions… however, the “romance” isn’t what I feel right now… I feel distance. I mean I thought I was going to have to seduce him because he’s friendly with everyone and so I thought he was just being friendly with me and was surprised when he started the make out session with me. I mean I had a lot of fun and it was very exciting… but ultimately I think he’s keeping me a secret… which makes sense since we’re new to one another… but how romantic and vulnerable is a secret… hehe… so what was I learning this week? I saw that it’s still a challenge for me to balance work and rest… I found myself alone at the farmhouse for a few days and I had a project that I could work on… and I got hooked into it. There are six rooms here at the farmhouse for the staff and I patched holes and repainted the rooms. I am also challenged when I’m around so much activity. When there are many people who are at the house… it’s hard for my mind to stay focused. I find when I go to the library which is a separate home on the property I can take a bath and have silence…. It feels really good to have stillness and I wanted to take advantage of that much more than I did. I got fixated into the project… and I do this at times especially when I’m working on artwork. I get so deep into the project that I don’t eat or sleep… and I got into that zone… I wanted to finish the rooms and stayed longer to do this… also to have more time to spend with him since he was traveling quite a bit. We actually spoke about things we get fixated on and I mentioned this… and then I saw myself doing it. And there was a day that I didn’t eat when I was alone… and I kept waking up early to continue the project.. I’d do the other projects with the group and in the afternoon… but I was doing quite a bit and I just like to get things done and once I start a project I’d like to finish it. So… I finally asked to take a half day off to rest a bit and also I knew I wasn’t taking care of my hygiene and so I wanted to pamper myself… and we had a slow start to the day… and then we ended up hanging out by going shopping and the young staff member is learning how to drive so we let her practice on the country roads… it was fun… but also I was tired and wanted to get a few projects that I wanted to complete and then again… pamper and rest… however, by being part of the community I was able to eventually but not in the pace I would have chosen if I was by myself. I’d like to figure out how to be in this type of space but also being in a more free form of movement of activity… there are some schedules that seems to get me to pressure myself instead of just going with the flow. I understand that this is something I’m working on but I”m wondering how much I’m going to bend? I also noticed that the guests that were visiting seemed to draw my attention far more than anticipated. I was very interesting… I’m very into hospitality… world class hospitality… and this isn’t a strong concern for this hostel it seems… it’s almost as if this community doesn’t engage much with guests. They will have dinner with them and have gratitude circle with them before dinner… and if they are around for our morning head and heart then the guests can participate… which are great moments to introduce guests to the community life style. But I hear comments about not really our responsibility to entertain the guests… which again at the time I appreciated however… the guests were really interesting and I couldn’t stop myself from hanging out with them and wanting to know more… and three of the six guests I ended up exchange contact information. And I can see myself hanging out with them more than the people at the hostel… interesting… it seems like the guests were far more interested in getting to know who I am as well… it felt good… and even felt like I was finding more community with the guests than with the hostel family… I mean I’m gaining community in both areas really… but I am finding myself getting into the nurturing mode with the hostel community… I want to clean and organize and work a lot… there’s a lot of projects going on and the winter it closes… so I wanted to make things progress at an efficient rate. Most of the staff is warn out at the end of the season so I can come in with fresh energy to help in this area… and I see the appreciation… but there seems to be a little space between us. We’re getting closer but it still feels like there’s a gap… and I wasn’t feeling like that with the guests. The first guest that really caught my eye was a woman around my age who recently became homeless by leaving her boyfriend. I didn’t ask her permission to talk about all the things.. but let’s just say in the first half hour she mentioned “llamas”, “peacocks”, and “ayahuasca” without me telling anything about myself…. Hehe… I was like what the hell… ok… well let’s get to know her. And she’s an amazing woman and I do want to get to know her more… but she deeply needed to rest and ground herself. And so she wanted to contribute but she paid to be a guest so I told her to take this time to relax and rest.. and ground… and she did and she felt so much better when she left. We went roller skating together and it was fun… I hadn’t skated for years now and it was rough start… but it was fun to see her in her element. Next time I hang out with her I’ll see if I can say more about our conversations… But I had a feeling and so did she that we were attracted to meet one another here and now… and she’s been doing her spiritual work… of course there’s areas she’s not ready to address… but she’ll get there. There’s another couple who is here for their anniversary… and I really clicked with them. I didn’t get their permission either but I just want to mention that I ended up teaching them how to dance with each other and they absolutely loved it.. and so did I… they did really great and the woman said she had two left feet and admitted it was all in her head… and she did wonderfully.. he was really good from the start… they’re great! They hold festivals in their front yard in an area in Indy which is known for live music and local artists… so we spoke a lot about this. I told them that I’d love to help them find sponsors for their event in June… and supposed to start asking businesses in January when they get their money for the year and they can allocated it for donations… and I said I’d love to learn how to do this… and they’re just learning as well… so they said yes they’d love that. They also said they’d love for me to be the mc for the festival… I said we’ll see… I’m good at performing and entertaining… I’m not afraid to speak to big crowds… but I”m really good at the back of the house type of things… and that’s what I’d like to learn too. I actually performed a song I was working on… I recently said that I want my mindset to change to being a musician instead of wanting to learn music more… there are some breakthrough moments with music and instruments for me… and so I’m just going to keep attracting more of these moments… It was fun to play and sing for them… But yeah… they’ll be leaving tomorrow and so will I… so I’m looking forward to seeing them before we all head out. Such a sweet couple! Alright who am I kidding… I want to get to my reaction to how I was responding to my potential romantic interest… I did get his permission to speak about what has gone down with us as long as I don’t link him… so where do I begin? So I already said that I told him that I’d like to have conversations with him to get to know him more… and we do but not really… in this environment… it doesn’t allow privacy and I”m not sure he wants to have privacy with me right now anyway. We did have one night of privacy without staff members which is why we had our sexual play encounter.. but again I didn’t know it was going to happen. He is very affectionate with all the people. So there wasn’t any indication that his affection towards me was any different than the affection he shares with someone else. Is this what he considers romantic? I feel like it’s just his nature… I didn’t see it as romantic… when I think of romance that it’s something that seems to be a bit extra than normal conduct. Only when we were by ourselves did there become something extra… and I’m not sure if that was romantic either. It was sexy, but not romantic… I mean in a way it had a romantic flare to it… because he was extremely patient and wasn’t rushing any of our time together… but his confidence was sexy and I know I loved what was going on… but I was a bit surprised and I did feel like I was holding back a little… I’m not sure if it’s because it’s just such a new thing.. or if it’s because we really haven’t had much time together to get to know one another still.. and so there’s a connection.. but not the type of connection I want to be romantic. But again I was loving what he was doing and it was sexy… and of course I have these feelings for him and so I didn’t want to stop what we were doing and wanted to see where it was going to lead. Most of the time I wasn’t thinking of the destination which was good… but I did find myself starting to think about it the closer we got to possible intercourse… again in my head I was wondering if I was going to go for the penetration or not… well… long story short… I did allow him to penetrate me…and even then I didn’t know that’s where it was going because the entire time we were playing and so I thought it was just going to continue… hehe… but all of a sudden we were there and I enjoyed it and I don’t feel bad about it.. but I started to ask if this is really what I wanted to do at the moment? There was a moment that I thought I was just going to break it off with him because he’s not really ready to take anything serious with me… and I asked him to pound my pussy so hard that it’s raw so she can get out some wild expression and be satisfied for awhile because who knows when I’ll have sex again… hehe… I told him that I found some scarves for props and let’s just see where it goes and we can focus on just being friends and business team… and he didn’t want to at the hostel and asked me to come to his house instead after the weekend. I am not available… I’ve been gone for a week and I want to get back to my cat and also find some rest that I haven’t been able to find successfully here at the hostel. But again… that’s the only time he invited me to his home… if we are going to be engaging in sexual play… it’s not like he’s asked me on a date… yeah… we aren’t dating right now… hehe… and so yes I”m rushing all of this. And it doesn’t seem like I’m putting him in a good light… but he’s very sweet and charismatic and an all-around great guy… but I’m just wondering why I was getting all these messages about him… hehe… what really is there about him that is making me want to explore him more? Right now I feel like his heart is unavailable… and my heart wants to explore this… but the make out session we didn’t even stay in the same bed… and I hear his voice in the morning in my dreams… I guess that’s a way to say it… I wasn’t really dreaming about him.. I just heard his voice come out and it sounded like, “slow down sib”… and I was like sib? Maybe it was sis? Anyway… it was him saying slow down… or it was me saying it regardless.. it was saying I was rushing things.. and it was too late to slow down on having sex with him. But yes… right now I want to slow down and even almost halt with going forward romantically. I thought originally that I was going to be coming down the Friday after Thanksgiving… but I think I’m going to wait until the following weekend after the hostel is closed. The current manager is having a dinner party and he wants to play the Chicken game which is the sexual group play. I want to bring my girl friend down to check out the hostel and she’s interested in playing this game.. so maybe I’ll just come for that event instead of spending an entire week here again. Plus I’m not sure who is all going to be involved.. but yeah… I want to play around and get attention that isn’t so secretive… and I’m not ready to have sex again and so I just want to have sexual play with people who just want to have fun with everyone. So that sounds more of where I am right now. I know that’s two weeks away but at this moment that’s what I”m tentatively planning for. I’ve got a diversity drum circle event tomorrow that I’m excited about. There’s several cultures who will be demonstrating their dance, drumming, outfits, and instruments… and I’ve done this a few times now and I enjoy myself fully when I’m there… so I’m looking forward to participating and hoping to get a lot of video footage… they’re going to want me to participate and I’m hoping I can find a balance to do both. There are going to be drummers there that I want to speak with… I’m hoping to join drum circles again. The drum troupe I was playing with the last time I was here is having practice on Tuesday next week and so I’ll go and see them too which I’m looking forward to playing with them and visiting with them again… great people! I’m also wanting to figure out when I’m going to visit the guy who is an app builder who I want to ask questions about the difference between the capabilities of a website to an app… and he’s wanting to have a conversation to see if he can help. But there is a conversation I ended up having with the romantic interest that I want to mention real quick… I’ve been trying to tell him that I’ve crossed over into the Awakening… he isn’t understanding what I’m saying and I”m trying to make it plain as day… and I think I finally got through to him but of course he doesn’t believe me. Which again is understandable… but it was a good conversation and I said i’t’s not fair that I want to be so expressive and upfront with him… when normally I would take my time and see where he’s at before blabbing everything out. But I also was thinking about how someone would feel when hearing this… well I can understand that holy shit this chick is crazy… but what if they actually question… what if she’s telling the truth? What would go through their minds if they ask that question… should that make a difference? Ideally I’d think it shouldn’t however I feel like there is a quite a bit of difference though. I’m not sure what all I can express at this time… because I have gotten messages to not express my dreams at this time… and to hold off and so I’m guessing that’s with this forum and to anyone at this time… I just give bits and pieces and not the entire scope. lol… not that I can get to the entire scope… I thought of a way to explain it but I think it’s to drastic for most to handle and I’d just have negative energy against my visions that I should just keep to myself and express things that people can find digestible. But when it comes to a partner I want to have… what would it be like for them? What was I thinking when I was telling him this and thoughts afterwards? I was telling him there’s going to be huge changes.. and I have a feeling that monetary growth is going to be a part of this.. and I wonder why do I want a partner who would want to be engaged with me romantically before this happens? Why do I want to make sure that the monetary concerns isn’t a part of the relationship that is such a factor to make or break us… In my mind… if we don’t connect or start to connect deeply romantically before than there’s something in my mind that will question the intentions behind motivations. I mean… messages are changing and more strong lately… but it always seems this way too… but it does seem to be noticeable changing and deepening… and I’m almost to the point of allowing my higher self checkmating me. No one will get this reference unless you’ve been reading from the beginning… but I know that eventually I want my higher self to check mate me… and instead of my higher self just doing it immediately… it slowly allows me to set myself up to be in the position of… yes I’m ready for transformation… I”m ready to receive and I’m ready to fly. It’s getting late and I’m trying to bullet my thoughts so I can give a bit of context of what went down… and so I do want to mention that I was helping store and inventory of the event equipment here.. and it looks like that have enough for around 140 people… he said that they had a 200 guest wedding there and so I was thinking about my 25 year reunion this year… and I think it would be a fun idea to have an adult summer camp for the reunion. I just started thinking about this maybe with the past 30 hours.. but I was thinking that I could probably talk to my high school and see what I can do to rent a few buses for the event. Our hometown is three hours away and I think it would be cool to get people back into the vibe of school days by taking a bus down to the hostel… even though I don’t drink… I was thinking of having a party bus feel but not crazy partying because i don’t really want to encourage sloppy drunkenness… I’m going to see how to legally do this.. but my bus driver actually had a son who graduated with me… and I think I’d talk to her and see if she has someone else she would refer to hire as the bus drivers for the event and invite them to join in on the festivities… I loved her and she’d have a blast. I’m not sure if I’m going to allow a family event or adults only… I might even have one day for family and one for adults? I’m not sure.. but there are quite a bit of activities around this hostel and I think it would be a blast dropping of a bus of adults to different places and people could possibly have one drink an hour type of thing… again they can drink but not excessively and also say that we will ask them to leave the event if it gets out of hand. I’m going to encourage not to bring your own alcohol.. but I’d like to pay for everything.. we’ll see if that’s what happens but I would love for everyone to come… they helped shaped our character and I appreciate all of them and they all played a role…and I’d love to celebrate and party with them. I gave them options of where to go last time for our 15 year, but this time I’m just going to tell him that we’re going to go here… and then there are choices of what activities they want to participate in… it’s fun here at the hostel.. but yeah there’s diverse activities around as well. I thought maybe I’d have a bus that would only stay one night in case people cannot stay the entire time… but I’d love to have the entire weekend with everyone and limit the vehicles that are on property… I want it to be whatever happens will stay there… and really see if we can relax and enjoy everyone’s company…. I’m really getting excited to plan this event out for everyone in our class. I think the summer would be the best time to take advantage of the clay lagoon which is clothing optional… and the buses should be more available since it’s not during school sessions. So anyway I just wanted to mention this so I don’t forget and be able to build on this… I’m wanting to send out a message soon to the class to give them a heads up that the plans are starting… and give them some dates to choose from so people have what six months to plan in advance and able to get time off and/or watch the kids. But yes… I’m exhausted and cannot wait to melt when I get back home with Elvis… so I’m going to wrap this up… until next time… enjoy and have a great night… by the way I’m surprised I didn’t go into detail about the sex play…hehe… it was very fun… but I guess it’s something I don’t want to share… hmmm

Interesting… for the last two mornings I’ve been waking up with my shirt around my wrists… I’m at the hostel and we’ve been making fires for our heat… in the night I’m getting hot so I start to strip but it seems like when I take off my shirt I’m not taking it completely off… I’ve been keeping it around my wrists and I’m just falling asleep before I take remove it. And I’m waking up thinking about my romantic interest… it’s almost as if I’m thinking about how much I trust or want to work to trust him completely. I guess I was thinking about the situation I was in when I was younger and I had an older cousin who was treating me in appropriately… but the main issue was feeling like I had no control.. I had no control but it was a situation that the person I was encountering was not a safe space and wasn’t allowing me to express myself openly… he was taking away my consent. And maybe in my head I have something inside that wants to give consent even though there’s an impression of loss of control. I’m just wondering if this is something I’d be interesting in trying it out. I’m not sure if he’s interested in rope play… but maybe because I was speaking with a couple who do enjoy it and I also so photography of this kind of play… maybe it’s triggering a desire for me. I was thinking about this… because I don’t think it’s very attractive in the appearance of someone who is tied up… that doesn’t really excited me sexually… but as I think about this… what I think is sexy is the trust that goes into allowing this… I could see myself doing this as a way to demonstrate the trust I have in my partner. It’s like whatever you do… I trust you. And I’m not certain why ropes or getting tied up is a part of my psyche… but it’s something I’m waking up to. So I just wanted to address it and think about it a bit more. Again… the look of someone who is tied up doesn’t really look aesthetically pleasing to me… and I even thought that if I was to be tied up… I’m not sure if I’d like to use a rope… I see aerial acrobats with silks and that’s beautiful for me… so yes I’d like to get tied up but probably with items that are aesthetically beautiful and also tacitly comfortable or soothing on my skin. I’ve done a little tying in the bedroom… but not much… but I use like silky ties… it feels good on the skin.. there was a partner that would like me to tie him up… so yeah he trusted me and I don’t remember if I enjoyed tying him up really… I just remember that he enjoyed it and I wanted to do things he wanted to try in the bedroom… I remember we tied multiple ties together and he asked if I could do a little asphyxiation to him… So what we ended up doing was tying a tie around his neck… we looped the ties over the clothes rack bar and I pulled down slightly on the ties to get it to tighten around his neck and again get that sensation he was looking for… and I went down on him while i was doing this. I remember the action of this but again I don’t really remember if I enjoyed it, but he enjoyed this. So yeah… I guess there seems to be a desire to try this out but I’m not sure to what extent. What I was thinking this morning is there’s a combination inside me that is wanting to reach a state of complete surrender and trust and so my psyche is suggesting to use rope or being tied up… but with someone who I trust and has created a safe space for me… I don’t think this is the only way but it might be more of an extreme way for me to be ok with losing control within a safe space. Which is what I continue to work on with the Universe… and maybe I can do this with my romantic partner to allow full surrender… again this might be all symbolic which will just be fine with me… but also it might be something I want to work towards. There is something else that I was thinking which again might be triggering when I saw photos of people suspended in the air all tied up. Again… looking at this didn’t really get me excited or aroused… however, sensory deprivation is coming up to mind… I’ve been interested in caving because I’ve heard about opportunities to experience sensory deprivation. When I was in the space it was obvious to lose my visual senses… and I ended up seeing light and at times no blackness at all… but I could still hear all the sounds of the water moving… a few squeaks from the bat near by… I also could feel my weight sitting or lying on the ground… so it wasn’t total sensory deprivation.. however I thought if I was floating in water inside a cave would help this sensation. Similar to a float tank… but I guess I have a feeling that this suspension could help with sensory deprivation of weight… along with blindfolds and earplugs… so yes trying ways to experience total sensory deprivation sounds so enticing. Something is calling for me to experience this. And I’m wondering how this will come through.. I saw these pictures of women mostly tied up and suspended… but I mean I also think about learning about vertical climbing of ropes and that was keeping me suspended… but i do remember I felt the weight around my harness that was holding my body up. But I’ve also known in the past that there are some sex swings I saw… Never used but thought it would be something I’d enjoy… being weightless and easy for my partner to hold me up… actually they wouldn’t have to hold me up but we could do positions that might not be doable without a swing.. I don’t know it’s something that I woke up thinking about so I thought I’d start with this before recalling what’s been going on these past few days since arriving to the hostel. So… Thursday I left around 6:15 ish… to get to the hostel… I was trying to get there early so I could actually help with the projects they’re doing and also get as much time as I could to be with my romantic interest before he left. He told me he was going to be gone for the weekend but would be able to see me Thursday and most likely Monday night or Tuesday when he gets back. I planned on staying until Tuesday so we’ll see how things play out. But everyone was surprised I made it for the head and heart meeting. The founder wasn’t there in person he was driving and was on a video chat while we were talking about the morning expression of how our head and heart is feeling… I was expressing my head is running thoughts of a project that I’ve been thinking about… I’ve started reaching out to people who might be able to direct me or even join me to get this project going… I’m curious if this is the right time… I didn’t go into detail of the project but this community network website and app is what I was thinking about. And I said that my heart is grateful that I’m starting to listen without always questioning every step. And I said for my personal ambitions I wanted to play the piano and also wanted to dance. I said I’d love to teach anyone who might want to learn partner dancing and I was implying the manager and the girl staff member who are the staff at this time… The founder was going to be leaving so I knew he wouldn’t be joining us… but if any or both would be interested I’d love to share that with them… but if not… I just want to dance sometime today. The founder has a question of the day at the end of the meeting and he asked if there is something that’s going on in our lives that no body here would know about. And the class reunion popped into my mind… I said I just realized a few nights ago that it’s going to be 2025 and it will be our 25 year high school reunion… I had wanted to do a reunion for this and I had forgotten about it… and since I was class president I want to start making plans to host a wonderful reunion. He asked me if I knew what I was going to do… I said I hadn’t yet… but now I’m going to be looking for ideas… last time I gave them two options and they chose the bar and drinking one.. and so this time I’m not certain I’ll give any options and just choose the event I want to host and hope they enjoy themselves. He asked… are you going to give them all psychedelics? I said I’m very picky with whom I share ceremony with… so I wouldn’t be considering it… and he said you could be giving them the psychedelics but don’t have to participate with them…and then I said I’m not a distributor either… I’m out a dealer… and he said he was just joking… and I said I realize that you’re just joking… but ceremony isn’t something I wouldn’t like to relate it to a joke, because it’s not a joke and it’s transformative. This reminds me of a brief occasion that he called Aya a drug. I didn’t address it but it did give me a hint that maybe he’s uncomfortable with “drugs”… which isn’t what I wold call Aya or many psychedelics… but I hope we get time to talk about it. The thing he said that we wouldn’t know about him is that he’s been telling everyone he’s taking a week off once the hostel is closed… but he’s been thinking about it and is going to take an entire month off… and the Pacific Northwest seems to be calling to him. And I was happy to hear he’s going to take time for himself… said good for you… he deserves to self care and relax… I mean he has three months off… take as long as he needs without putting a timeline on it. As much as I’d like to spend time with him on his break… i also know that our time will come when it comes and if he needs solitude to get to where he needs to open up to us more…then do what you gotta do babe. that’s funny actually I almost called him a pet name while we were working… I caught myself but i did think that was unusually and a little startling that I was wanting to call him a pet name and we’ve barely spent time together and yes we haven’t been talking about pet names… he just happened to be talking to me from another room and I was telling him ok I’ll do it… but was about to call him I can’t remember if it was babe, baby, honey… something of this nature but I stopped myself before it came out. So yes… we had a break after the meeting to eat breakfast and stuff before we actually go as a group to work on the project. So he was able to join us at this time and we were going to the manager’s house to continue remodeling. I’ve learned that I need time in a space to get a feel for what the project is and what’s the expectation of quality… so I’ve been here a few times now and I can feel myself more comfortable in the space…and we actually spent most of the day here. The founder and I seemed to be more willing to do this type of work… we did it a bit longer than the other two. But we all worked on the house and it continues to feel and look better each time I visit. The founder is all work when he gets in there and I am too… we find a few moments to have some privacy and I’m trying to see how I responde to him.. but there is a bit of hesitancy and awkwardness but I was able to figure out… and I told him later when we were together… I’m extremely attracted to him; however, I don’t really know him.. so my mind needs to understand the attraction… the more I have conversations with him and the more I’m just around him.. the more I understand and enjoy myself and able to show my affection more. I’m definitely needing privacy to show affection but I feel like it’s getting better. The girl staff member saw me hugging him from behind while he was sitting and she came in to let us know something… and I stood up… not abruptly but I stood up and she said that I don’t need to stop… and I said thank you I understand but I enjoy privacy right now to show my affection. Again… I’m just observing how I am right now and I find it interesting. Let’s see… I was hanging curtains which looker really nice with beads and draping going on… and then I was mixing old paints that didn’t have much left to make it’s only color to use for the laundry room. I didn’t paint that day just mixed the paint to get it ready. Mostly we were working on electrical projects… removing the old fixtures and placing new ones up. He noticed how much I enjoy myself and told him a little more about me studying interior design, architecture, and art in college… i haven’t had too many opportunities to actually build but I found a master carpenter who has let me him in projects… an old school mountain builder… I asked how he got into remodeling and it started when he bought an old Lutheran church in Indy and remodeled it so it was an event for weddings and specifically for his wedding photography business he was in. He said he didn’t have money to hire people to remodel… so he did it himself and he enjoyed it. He has this hostel and so he’s been building here and continues to learn more… I’ve done a little electrical but he showed me how to do the things he needed.. and yes I do enjoy how thorough he is in his explanation but he started to get the idea that he didn’t have to go through all the details he’s used to explaining to his volunteer and said I’m sure you actually understand..and so it was nice to see us working as a team..and I do enjoy being around him. I think I noticed that he saw me a bit hesitant with him, but when I was talking to the girl staff that it seemed like we were more friendly with one another.. which makes sense to me… because I’ve been spending more time with her while I’m here then getting the chance to spend with my romantic interest. This is why I wanted to come on a weekend where there wasn’t an event hoping there would be more opportunity to share together. But again I can’t explain how intuitive he is.. so he just started to ask me more questions and establishing a rapport and I wasn’t so hesitant and however much I want to touch and be physically attentive towards him… I also feel myself holding back because he’s still processing his separation…and so there’s a part of me saying that’s it’s not time to truly surrender to him… wait but not being cold about it… being warm but also communicating that we haven’t actually officially going on in with each other. Without going into great detail of the entire day… we worked until the evening and headed back to the farmhouse. I was surprised he had stayed this long… I thought he would be leaving sooner and he thought he was too… but he’s enjoying his time and felt like he wanted to continue enjoying it. So it was the three of us who were at the farmhouse this evening.. the manager lives at the manager’s house so he didn’t join us after we shared the gratitude circle.. he wasn’t feeling social. the founder said he’s willing to stick around and doing something with us.. but it seemed like people were leaving and girl staff was going to sleep but when he said he’d stick around a little longer she was interested in hanging out. She’s 19 and she was homeless before getting here. Her grandmother told her about this hostel through word of mouth… and she applied and was doing interviews with the founder… and he was close to her location and asked if she’s wanting to join he’d love to have her… he’s driving by Wisconsin so he’ll pick her up and take her to the hostel if she’s ready. And so they came back together. She’s going to do her three months here and I can see how amazing he’s been in her life. He’s a safe space and she was looking for that and wasn’t getting much support from her family she said… so… I was trying to allow space for them… Again I understand how magnetizing he is and how people want his attention.. he’s been trying to line up work opportunities for her so she can get to her next volunteer job in Asheville. He was able to find people who need things done around and are willing to pay her for her help… some donated money… anyway he got off the phone with one of them and so I started cooking my dinner and just taking me time in doing it.. it was in a different room and so they could talk with one another without me hovering over them… plus I was tying not to listen in even though I did hear a little bit…they’re very playful together.. such a sibling vibe or even parental but very respectful and fun. I finally joined them so I can eat at the table. He bought her a used vehicle so she can drive to Asheville and is giving her time to pay him back.. but she loves the car and wants to decorate it.. I have pillows I’m going to be giving her and hoping to help decorate however she seems to do most of the work. She asked me what i wanted to do… and I said I’d love to dance… that’s one of my personal ambitions today… and I still want to… she said she doesn’t have the energy to dance and I said it doesn’t have to be an energetic dance.. and maybe the founder will join us since he’s here… you guys can partner up and I can teach. So we were talking a little bit and he said he wasn’t feeling like dancing either… and he started to go into more detail and I think we ended up alone while he was expressing this. He said that last two months he’s been partner dancing… it was like a last attempt for his exe to reestablish our connection and he wasn’t finding it very fun. He said he’s tried to partner dance a few times now and each time he wants to be hopeful that he’ll enjoy himself but gets let down… he said he wants to either fully enjoy the music and/or fully enjoy his partner… and he doesn’t experience this with dance lessons in person or online. I was able to explain to him how passionate I am about dancing and how I was a ballroom instructor… he wanted to know the dish and just letting him know how much I enjoyed helping gain confidence with singles and couples… letting couples know whether they’re still wanting to make themselves work as a team or not…just a lot… I’m very passionate about dance and if anyone has read any of my stuff I go into details and rambles about how much I love dancing…and he noticed my passion it’s hard to miss when I get a chance to talk about it. We were talking about the desire and time to actually dance leads to confident good dancers… anyway… I ended up telling him that I’ve been wanting to come up with a new way to teach dance that doesn’t have patterns. I realize patterns are an easy way to build confidence if confidence is what people are looking for.. but I want to teach more intuitively. He said continue…and I said well that’s about as fas as I’ve gotten… I haven’t had a partner to practice this idea on… it’s just a thought at this time. I was looking in his eyes and said I would love to dance with you.. no expectations… we don’t have to have music I’ll just listen to you and your body. He said this evening would not be the time he would like to dance with me… but he will one day. Actually this morning I got a message from him saying that he will dance with me… made me feel good when i woke up…and I responded i will love that… whenever he is ready… and whenever he wants to really surrender to our romantic partnering exploration… we’re both hesitant but open… he was driving to New York and it was late but he reassured me that he’ll drive until he can’t and he’ll pull over and rest…he has a bed setup in the back of his car because he’s use to traveling… and it's not a problem to rest when he needs to… I do notice myself in nurture mode when I’m with him… I’m keeping myself in check though because I don’t want it to feel I like mothering.. because I trust him… I just want to make sure he’s not too careless with endangering himself… like I have any room to talk because I’m pretty confident and many say careless… but I just trust myself in many ways and I can see this in him too. I just feel like I want to promote self care as much as possible to him. And it does seem like he takes time for himself… but I also feel like there’s just so many thoughts and projects on his mind… I really wonder how much time is in silence and not doing anything? I know the more I’m around him th more I’ll get a better picture of how I can assist…. I know he enjoys me around as well… my energy is inviting and comforting when energies are aligned…. Why is this happening at the moment? It’s because we’ve both been doing the work… and our energies recognize this and wants us to share happiness and joy with one another… the Universe will get the opportunity to experience love and life through us and I’m looking forward to see what it is like as well. After he left for New York.. it was me and the girl staff left alone. We were hanging out and I told her I’d still love to dance… if she wanted to dance with me… she didn’t want it to be energetic and I said I’ll keep it slow… and she said she’d give it a try. We were building a fire together and I was setting up the mood with slow blues music.. and turning off most of the lights and dimming lights… she knew of lights hanging that reacted to sound and would change colors… so yeah it was really nice and we started dancing. She hasn’t had much experience with partner dancing… however, she was amazing at it… she was following and not try to lead… only a few moments did she and she caught herself… I told her if there’s two people trying to lead it becomes a wrestling match… but what i didn’t say… is when I feel her lead… then I’ll let her… no intentional wrestling when I share dance. But it was quite a magical moment for the both of us. Again she’s 19 and we’ve been able to get to understand a little more about ourselves. The last time i was here there were three of us girl staff and she said that she thinks she’s a lesbian. she’s not sure because she got hurt real heavy with her boyfriend so she might just be traumatized right now… but she feels more comfortable and safe with women. And so I also wanted to show her I’m a safe space as well. She actually has two energies… both masculine and feminine who are a safe space for her… and care about her… she’s got trust issues too and letting her guard down is something she’s working on like all of us… and it’s nice to see how well we moved and communicated with the music. She said she really enjoyed herself and was grateful we danced… I reciprocated the same feelings I’m just more verbally expressive about it. I encouraged her to continue learning and practicing… because she’s got it going on…hehe… she did so well intuitively that I did move to a few different patterns and she picked everything up so well.. but we were both getting tired.. I headed upstairs for the first time to sleep in a room in the farmhouse instead of sleeping in the van. I did pick up a ukelele however to just tune it and learn a few notes… I downloaded an app for free for 7 days…and I ended up playing for at least an hour… it was so fun and easy compared to a guitar… just the size of it is so much easier to handle.. but also the strings seem easier to press down as well. I love all the instruments here.. I love having access! Ok… I feel like I’m getting sleepy again… I went to bed early around 9:30 … slept six hours… but I have time to take another rest for a few hours before waking up waking up for the day… ok… until next time… enjoy

Ok… so I just got off a video chat with a friend I met in a karaoke bar in Utah… It was funny because our group entered the bar and was showing our IDs and he was on stage singing “Creep” by Radiohead… he was doing a fabulous job and I thought right away if I do a duet tonight i’m going to ask if he’ll join me. And that’s exactly what I did… I approached him and his friend and we all went to the patio so I could smoke while we got to know one another. I was asking him if he knew the song “Crusin’ Together” by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow… holy crap.. I was going to help my dad outside real quick and I was so excited I jumped to type… hehe… I’ll be back.. Alright… I’m back… and I’m so excited to write about my ideas but also there’s a part of me that’s wondering how much should I be sharing… I’m trying to gather a team to start working on the building website sites and application and cyber security side of things… I’m just wondering if someone has the means if they’d want to go ahead and do it before we get the chance? I mean I was looking at some of these places that deal with volunteers and they aren’t going to approach it the way I’d like to approach it… so even if I tell everyone my ideas… it’s not like I would want to compete with anyone… I’d probably ask to collaborate together… the more people taking a look at this from different angles is exactly what I would love to have happen to try to create something more holistically than one person’s view. So… let’s just give it a go. So back to the story… he did not know that song but he said he’d give it his best attempt…. He never sings songs without practicing but with my enthusiasm… he’s going to give it a try and we had fun attempting our first duet together…. We met up again at the temple to have a chat and that’s when I found out he was in the cyber security field. We spoke about many things but I didn’t ask his permission to discuss personal details so I’ll have to do that some other time maybe. But I think I mentioned a few days back that my girl friend who was a ballroom instructor with me wants to do cyber security and I gave her his information, but she hadn’t reached out yet. So I apologized to him that she got distracted and might be a little shy because she wishes she knew the answers she’s going to ask him. I told him I have a project that I want to start where I want people to be completely vulnerable with themselves and everyone who would have access to their information.. If we have cyber security in mind from the get go this might help people feel more comfortable doing this… and since I want to be as intentional as possible I’m going to see how much I can push them out of their comfort zones… this is where the real magic is… but also I would like this to be a recommendation or referral program to where we see the pros and cons of each person… but also see how they are developing… What I would describe myself ten years ago is not the same as I would describe myself now… and people’s opinions have changed I’m sure as well… and honestly I’m not a people pleaser anymore so it might be presumed I’m not as nice anymore but really I respect myself more and value myself and energy… but these things might not have the chance to be recognized from a brief encounter… so anyway… he told me his credentials of over twenty years experience…and his list includes working with Stanford University, Facebook on a global security project and NASA… I was like holy shit ok… I’m glad I’m talking to you about this then… seems like you know your shit… hehe… but I wasn’t really prepared… i was babbling and we happened to be free so we did a video chat… but I’m going to send him an email that will give him more information about what I’m looking to start and what questions I have for him. I know that when I say I want people to give their information I was hoping somehow this could help people from around the world to travel to different countries so recruiting volunteers or communities could be possible and help them get their visas to travel.. and when they’re in a new country how to get SIM cards, transportation… just make it as simple as we can. So I thought… let’s go journal about it and see if I can get better paragraphs out to him instead of my rambling chaotic manner i write. Hehe… this reminds me of the conversation I had with my potential romantic interests I had earlie… well hell might as well get that off my chest too. So I’ll keep it brief as I can because I didn’t get his permission to spill the details but I’ll definitely express my side of things but again not in too much detail…. Hehe I’ll try my best too. So I was in a state of limbo right now… After seven years of not being in a relationship in person mostly with a imaginary idea of an Australian man who I’d been having messages for the four years with … he’s not imaginary but the ideal of him was imaginary… he wasn’t reciprocating mutual feelings except at the beginning and he was not a safe space to express my feeling to and pretty much he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was expressing my feeling for him honestly. I wasn’t really ready to jump all in and so I was holding onto something that would actually help me stay celibate and learn to love and respect myself and not to mention focus to be in the Awakening… so thank you for that.. but now I’m ready to go all in full blown vulnerability and expressing my crazy to see whom I might attract. Well.. my body was communicating that there seems to be a gentleman I reconnected with after five years. I only knew him for about a week visiting his hostel and the rest has been random FB posts that we’d see… His posts were attracting my attention and so before I arrived to Indiana I planned to visit with him. This is a broken record but I don’t know how much context I need to be including before I just go with it… I can’t find a way to find anything I’ve been able to say on here without having to go through all of it… so I figured if people don’t want to read through all of my entries.. I can give a little summary. So long story short my body was showing me how extremely unusual I am when I am speaking to him specifically because of an attraction that seems to be far more deeper than I’ve had with anyone else I had spoken with in person. So… I fumbled and bumbled around with words but I got it out to him that I was attracted to him more than friendship or business partnership… what I didn’t know when I told him this is that he was going through a breakup with one of his current partners… they had been together for over a year and none of us were prepared for the attraction and even though I’d like to explore this with him.. he needs time to process his feelings. He doesn’t really know me from Eve… and so we also have the work trade volunteer boss relationship going too. So I’m going to help tomorrow but I wanted to clarify to him that even though I enjoy contributing to his community the main reason I’m going is to hopefully get a chance to have some conversations with him.. real conversation and prefer more on the private side. I know he’s going through a break up so I want to give him space to do what he needs to do… I still need more time to clear out my energies to allow myself to receive him fully so I understand but excited as well. But I went ahead and gave it a go to see how he would handle my crazy… to wrap it up quickly I’ll just say… we had actual back and forth conversations… I’d write out well thought out communication and he would reciprocate with his well thought out communication. I was vulnerable enough to share my crazy and he didn’t think I was psychotic and needed to go speak to a therapist… in fact he’s looking for a “truly transformative, soul-entangling intimacy/sexuality/romance”… and I said well… you just found one… hello there… it’s nice to finally meet you… I’ve been searching for you too… we chuckled over our conversation but he also said he just needs his solitude to figure his mess out right now but he notices the chemistry, finds me wildly attractive and easy to be around… and anyone he finds who has goals towards spirituality, karma, and big picture lifestyles he’s intersted in connect with… so I’m very satisfied at this time because he clearly communicated his needs at this time and I was able to do the same. I’ve got this project on my mind right now.. so I can focus on that and see if and when we give this a shot. So… the project… geesh… again I feel like I have to give context because damn it I’ve been talking about this for a long time now but I don’t remember what all I disclosed and again it’s not like I can say go to this topic in my conversations because this isn’t setup like that. So I guess I’ll just have to begin as if you don’t know what I had said in the past. So I’m an Enlightenment shaman who is following her guidance from the Universe. I’ve been intentionally working on removing attachment to labels that keep me in a human mind set instead of Universal mindset. We are the Universe waiting to realize this within ourselves. This is the path we’e always been on and many are ready to Realize this… I mean you’re on actualized.org forum page… I think you know what Leo’s all about… well I am too… and I’m hoping you are too. I do have messages on how to assist in people to get to the Awakening through preparation and deconstruction, Ayahuasca and ceremonies, but mostly through the integration work. But this hasn’t been my true calling… My messages are what happens after we Awaken? So I’m not worried about people being able to Awaken… this is already happening… it’s just going through the process of Awakening for the last three years… I’m very fresh to what all I have been doing to process this transformation… it was necessary for me and I’m grateful I’ve been preparing myself to allow the freedom and time to process. So yes… I’m planning on people Awakening when we’re ready to… but also ready to arrange things to allow the aftermath of Awakening… I cannot assume it’s going to be the same, but I have found tools and locations that might be helpful to assist in this time we’ll find ourselves in. It’s happening and I’m excited and we’re all doing our thing… and this is my thing I’m working with the Universe on… at this stage it’s a system to network communities and volunteers. In the bigger picture I’d like to establish this as a nonprofit so people over the world can travel easier with having borders they have to cross… not that the religous nonprofit will automatically do this, but right now that seems to be the easiest way for international travelers coming from third world countries. We are the Universe… we can learn and benefit from anyone at anytime anywhere… as long as we are intentional and at higher degrees of consciousness. So… people who are going to be involved with this system will agree to be on this mindset of growth and expansion for themselves and the collective. This is where the idea switches away from what I see is out there right now. My thinking is I don’t want everyone to be able to create an account, login, and not be involved actively. Of course I don’t want to remove this population… but also I want to encourage stepping out of our comfort zones and engage… this is where the juice is… and so there will probably be a limit of stagnancy built in where if someone hasn’t logged in for a long duration… then they’re account will be removed. I’m not sure how to get people to not have several accounts either.. especially since this is going to be a transparent community and if they start getting what could be considered negative marks… they might want to give up on the original account to start a new one… but this is about growth not perfection… so what if we get negative marks on us… we don’t want to run and hide and make things up… we want to own our current state of character and be inspired and motivated to make changes to mature and elevate our conscious levels. I’m not sure how to do this thing while trying to keep the energies cleared and not crowded with toxic people creating drama because they’re bored and want attention. I was thinking there’s going to be referral program… again where people can’t just sign up freely… they have to earn credibility somehow… I think this has been a concept in this Forum and I see why the attempt and I’m not afraid to attempt it again. Not only do i want to maintain credibility to individuals but also to communities who want to be involved. Yesterday I said I don’t want to assume a community is conscious enough to host intentional volunteers so I didn’t want to promote them… but maybe there’s a referral system but also maintain a level of credibility to stay an option for intentional volunteers. I’ve been wanting nonprofits to work together why not communities too? If we aren’t familiar with a particular area we’re struggling with… why not network with our community to get answers, workshops, and volunteers to get the challenge addressed and find multiple solutions and start to go through them until we’re satisfied with our results. If we are tearing down structures or digging dirt or have extra llama hair and dung… why not let other communities know that there’s excess of something we have and if someone wants to use these supplies it’s available. Transportation would also be something I’d like to include to make it easier to go from one community to another. Again how do we use what’s already in the play and collaborate together… extend and connect the communities that are already in existence but want to intentionally work together and learn… I feel many of us are ready for this… and those who are not… are not being forced to.. in fact I hope they’re not attracted to our system… just to cause problems. Geesh I don’t like to assume any of this.. but it was shocking when I came onto this forum and was reading some of the posts… and I too live in a world where some of us are not ready to trust and share… but those who are ready… why not make it easier to find one another. We’re out here… we’re doing the work… we’re looking for more of us… and we’re attracting one another… can this be an additional tool to use? I think I can give this more thought and see if I can start reaching out to my known network of friends and family… and see if we can start creating brainstorming events to give feedback and also make it happen. this is where I’m at… and I have the energy and time to dive into more… but not at this exact moment… hehe… I’m hungry and my eyes are hurting a bit… I’m doing some digital art and I think I want to go play around some more for this evening… it’s very relaxing and I want to leave early tomorrow. Ok.. this is good for now.. until next… enjoy ourselves

Good morning… I woke up thinking about dancing… so I think I’ll begin here. So… I was thinking if I am going all on in with a romantic partnership… I’d like to share my passion of dance. I love to dance and I used to instruct but there are some dances that I don’t know as much as others… and they’re really calling to me and more improvisation. So I’d like to see if we have a conversation of what we’re wanting out of our relationship I have many ideas to talk about but for now in the Journal I will say I want to introduce dancing as part of a way to increase our partnering, sensuality, and fun. I have two dances in mind that I’m hoping he might find as something he would like to learn and share with me…. Argentine Tango and West Coast Swing. I have a dancing buddy who owns a studio close to the location I am now, but I feel like we’ll be closer to where my romantic interest lives which is three hours away. From his location it’s almost four hour drive to my buddy’s studio. So I messaged my buddy to see if he has any recommendations of top notch instructors in the Louisville area… it’ll only be an hour away. I just sent the message and haven’t heard back but my buddy dances competitions and travels a lot to areas so I’m hoping his network would include some great dancers in this specific area. He hosts traveling instructors at his studio and I enjoy watching his posts. He specifically hosts West Coast events… so I asked him about this, but I’ll add the A. tango when we chat. So I looked up Tango studios and it looks like there’s a few options in that city… but I also ran into a video of a couple from Buenos Aires who is offering a dance event in Argentina for 13 days… it’s from April through May but this wouldn’t be a good time for us since his hostel would be opening up at this time. But that has definitely been at the top of my list of locations to go. I want to dance the tango everywhere in Buenos Aires… I think I’ve mentioned this before but I fantasize everyone dancing in the restaurants and the streets all over the city… I’d love to go and do this. I used to drink Malbec and I mention that if I ever get to Argentina… I feel like I’d be much more open to drinking alcohol just to have Malbec from where it originates. I don’t know if I’d be interested in drinking when I get there… but I could entertain the idea of possibly. But I’d love to dance where I travel. Anyway… I would love to introduce him to the magic that dance can bring into our lives. I figured we’d start off with taking beginner classes together. I might have a lot of dance experience and instruction experience, but I don’t necessarily want to start our dance relationship in a teacher/ student dynamic. I’d much rather be a student/student dynamic and possibly why I’m interested in learning dances I don’t know as much. I’d like it to be like date nights. As a teacher I kind of know how it goes when one of the partners are in the teacher mode and yes… I want to set us up for success and enjoyment. To be honest I don’t know if he knows how to dance already… I could see it… he’s very musically inclined and most musicians that I’ve met have a tendency to be able to pick up dancing easier… and he looks like he’s athletic as well… so I think he might pick up fairly quickly but I don’t know if he’d have the desire to learn with me or not. But it is something I’m going to suggest. West Coast is danced to a variety of music… it’s a smooth improvisation and moments of playfulness throughout. Sometimes it can get sensual but not always. I guess I do want to mention that I did see blues swing dance as well which I’ve dropped into classes a few times and I enjoy. But I remember when I was talking to him about his singing… he said his voice is fitting for blues and jazz which he really doesn’t listen to and wished he could mature his singing to fit other genres. I know I enjoy listening to his music and of course I don’t know any of the artists or the songs… which is quite normal for me… hehe… but I’m so glad I don’t know them because he’s going to be introducing me to a whole new range of music which excites me. Also… if this is improvisation dancing… it’s good to have the lead have a better understanding of the musicality while I can just follow his lead. Ideally both would know but that’s not necessary… my body will hear the music and do it’s thing anyway.. hehe… but I want to focus on my partnership development. I feel like I might be a little slower getting into the down and dirty intimacy… who knows.. but if so… I definitely would like to demonstrate my energy while I’m dancing…because… I know its attractive and can be quite powerful for my partners… I just get so damn excited… and when I let loose it’s so fucking fun! That’s what I want to show him which I might not be able to demonstrate outside of this setting. I’m going to work my way here… but it does seem like I’m a bit stiff right now…hehe… And it’s just because I haven’t had people to really play with… no I’m not going to blame anyone else… I just have been focused on my spiritual work and sometimes I’m bit more on the strict side with myself. since my transition I’ve gone off the deep end of strictness and was like fuck… it’s time to relax and enjoy now… and I do to some extent but I can do this more and it’s become more obvious how stiff I am compared to him especially. Argentine Tango is a very passionate and sensual dance… I absolutely adore this dance and want to have more opportunities to learn. We taught this style of dance but yes it felt like it had too much structure to this free flowing dance… I mean structure is necessary when beginning to gain confidence and learn how to communicate with partner.. but with this dance it’s for lovers to explore this style of nonverbal communications… how to speak with our bodies and I’m so excited to hear what he has to say… and I’ve got some things to tell him too… hehe… yes I’d love to see if he’s interested. Of course I find that this would be great for us to do together and build a bond through… however I am looking down the road for him too. I’d love for him to have more tools in his belt to enjoy himself whenever and wherever he is. He travels to different cities and countries… so possibly if I introduce him to something he didn’t realize he would enjoy… He can find dancing while he moves with the flow of life. The dance community usually isn’t a stingy group… we love to dance with our romantic partner yes, but we also love to dance with everyone! And I have a feeling he’d absolutely love this as well. So I want to be very intentional with him. I’m not wanting to make any excuses or have fear to stop me from expressing what I’m looking for in a committed partnership… if we choose that we want to move in this direction then I’m not going to hold back.. this is something I want to share with him. And I’m definitely interested and open to activities he wants to introduce to me as well. He enjoys caving and I was introduced to this through his hostel and i loved it and could definitely see myself doing it more. I was hoping to have trips with him but I found myself in other groups and we’ll have plenty of time to find opportunities to share trips together. I’m hoping he’s a taking his time caver…hehe… we’ll see when it happens. But he seems so fascinating… and who knows what he has up his sleeve… I’d love to hear what he thinks is something that can build a bond together… maybe there’s a secret desire to learn something with a romantic partner that he hasn’t tried yet… for some reason I feel like he probably hasn’t hesitated to try things out romantically but who knows until we have a conversation. We might have a brief time to say hello this Thursday and maybe Tuesday… he’ll be traveling and so this won’t be the time to talk to him… but I’m still trying to give him space from his separation. I’ve been trying to flirt but in a very subtle and minimal manner right now. Again I have that shit going on that I’m going to be too much or too intense… but I have a volume button and right now it’s on low… and intuitively this is the right move right now. Honestly I need this time as well for myself… I have been clearing out romantic energy of past energies myself. I’ve been doing this for awhile now.. and have been successful except I can feel a bit of lingering going on with the Aussie man. I feel like he too will have some remaining from this nest mate. I think if we’re honest about this… it will help us not feel bad if there’s a lingering that exists, but I hope our chemistry can spark us to inspire us to have a desire to get to know one another where we can clear those past energies in a short period of time. I do need to know what he’s looking for in a relationship. If he’s wanting to not have anything serious or just wants a fling… then I don’t think we’ll be able to move into a romantic connection. I want to attract someone who is on a similar page. I’m not looking for a fling and I’m hoping if I go into this fully then we’ll be building a relationship for our lives. People might think this is pretty extreme but it’s where I am. I’m not saying I want to get married right now.. but I’m saying… I’m looking to build a bond for life and as life flows we’ll work and dance with it together. Again… I’d love it to be romantic, but I feel like we’ll be amazing friends and business partners… so our relationship for life doesn’t have to be specific in one area compared to another… but flexible to change while we grow… and not having to plan everything out from the start but be as open and authentic to see where our relationship leads. So yeah I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m patient to see when we’ll actually get a chance to engage fully and privately… hehe… until then I know I have more own energy to clear to set up a better start to our journey together. So… I finished the drafts for the communities from the intention convention event last weekend. I’ve been wanting to get into this and finally I’ve gotten there. I don’t think I’ve said much about the convention except for the moment of bliss drumming around the fire. So how to begin? Ok… so there were eight definitive communities represented. We had guests who are involved with other communities but weren’t really representing the same information as the eight communities.. most of them were founders, shareholders, and board members… they have a bit more skin into the community i guess. My romantic interest asked me if I’d like to be the meetings note taker… I thought about it and said that yes… I can give that a try… I’m curious to hear what everyone has to say and what everyone wants to talk about…. I know I have my ideas of where it can lead… but if I’m a note taker then I won’t talk much and mostly just listen. I hadn’t really had much experience in this except for the owner at the temple who would have me type out her words for different communications she had. So I guess I started to have a little bit of experience. But anyway… I keep saying how intuitive he is… he might not realize this but for some reason his suggestions for me seems to benefit me highly and I’m so appreciative of this. Hehe… it was intense trying to keep up with the conversations. He got two of us to be note takers and we both were focused at trying to get as many words down that we could. We now realize for next time that having a mic and amp would be very beneficial. Sometimes it was hard to hear people, plus we want to sync a transcribing program for ease. However, this was very beneficial for me to take these notes. I was using my iPad along with my portable keyboard… so I’m sitting there clacking away on the keys trying to keep up… We had long meeting sessions… so both sessions my iPad died on me… hehe… we were in the middle of the woods in a Greek theater setting… it’s beautiful actually but I didn’t have any extra battery bank with me… I mean I do but I don’t have the cord to charge my iPad… hehe… any way once my iPad dies I’d move to hand written notes… the first session I didn’t realize how many words would be spoken and I only got a fraction. But I only brought three pieces of paper thinking I’ll just type everything out. Well.. I filled those pages and couldn’t get all of it down but there wasn’t much before we broke for lunch. The same thing happened during the second session except I had enough paper with me to continue recording until the end of the session. The problem that I had was I was using loose paper… it wasn’t in a notebook and I didn’t number the pages either… so when I was putting the information on the paper onto the iPad… it wasn’t in order… hehe… but it didn’t actually stop me from how I approached the information I wanted to deliver. So… i guess I didn’t really understand what was expected from me and the other note taker… I think she was a bit more familiar in doing this… she was talking about taking minutes and is very detailed oriented on formal procedures… hehe… ummm… ok… yeah that isn’t really what I was thinking of doing. But we were supposed to work together.. and I wasn’t sure how other than posting my information that I had typed out… it wasn’t in order all the way but she created a shared document and she was hand writing the entire time so it was going to take her time to enter her data in. She’s a full time student and is trying to launch her first issue for a magazine she’s trying to publish. So yes formality and grammar and editing skills is right up her alley… and it’s funny that she gets partnered with me who is not good with any of these areas… lol… but she was very stressed out about the note and the time of submission. I admit that I had that feeling at first as well… I don’t know if any of you read a few submissions back when I got back.. but after that session I was able to relax because I was the only one pressuring myself to get things out for the community members… hehe… and so I was trying my best to let her know that she doesn’t need to be frantic that nobody is breathing down our necks except us doing it to ourselves. She said she’s been busy in many ways in her life and I said to not worry… do your things… I get the vibe from the people involved are just appreciative of how we were wanting to help… and they’ll be happy with whatever we share with them. We had another girl who did end up creating an audio recording… so she’s going to continue her formal submission which is going to take her a few weeks to finish up with her schedule and just the tedious nature of this style of record keeping. I’m not sure how our relationship is going really… she is hostel fam… so she’s involved with the hostel and is close to the founder. She is in fact the other lady he sandwiched himself between and the whole opportunity for me to touch his hand… hehe.. i was the timid side he was dealing with while she was the comfortable side and the whole massaging of the head and everything.. so yes no issues of demonstrating affection… hehe. But I met her for the first time at the caving event. She was one of the guides and so she’s an avid caver as well.. and I like she’s a bit more on the professional side of things.. so yeah I recognize a bit of stiffness like I see in myself.. but I’m thinking it’s more on the distrusting some… I guess I feel like specifically she doesn’t know if she can trust me. I could definitely be projecting but I did feel this so I was keeping space and allow reality to have us engage whenever that time happens to be. I might have a bit of projection going on but not fully… to me I can explain it in the way she started her note taking.. hehe… she had everyone’s name listed and she had these elaborate and flowering words to describe everyone present. Even to the ones who were wanting to get more information about intentional communities and weren’t directly involved in sustaining a community…anyways when I got down to my name the only words she had for me is “note taker”… lol… so yeah she wasn’t really interested in anything I was sharing during the event. But granted I didn’t know she was on her way of publishing a magazine either… but I feel like I overheard a little conversation in regards to this but it seems like she wasn’t sure if she should let the group know what she wants to do… or maybe waiting for the appropriate time to let us know… I’m not sure but I didn’t think too much about it because if I’m to know I’ll get that chance to let it unfold in the appropriate timing for myself. So really… I feel like there’s a weird girl jealousy thing going on between us I think… I’m not use to dealing with this much anymore… not that I haven’t danced this dance before… but yeah… I think that’s why she has a distrust in me… of course I don’t know but this is my Journal so this is a great space to purge my thoughts regardless of how accurate it is… I want to get her out of my thoughts.. hehe… not that I don’t want her out of my thoughts completely because I told her that I have more information beyond the words spoken at the meeting because I have ideas I want to present with possibly brainstorming for solutions to network everyone for the coming year. She was trying to understand what I was doing with my notes… oh yeah… I didn’t even get to what I was doing with my notes… hehe.. tangents. So yes she was going to focus on the formal side… and I wanted to focus on how does this information help us understand what was said…. So in my opinion the first thing to do to help with clarity is to separate the communities and have a general summary of what the community shared with us. So I’d start with one community and I’d copy and paste all the members words of that community together so I can use their words to summarize their information. So this is what I was saying I didn’t need to have everything organized in order to do this. In fact many speak like me where answers weren’t given during a specific questions but was spread throughout the entire time of their speaking. Similar to myself I might have heard the questions but it wasn’t until later did I realize my answer so yeah… I found reading through their words a bit more scrambled around… helped me actually get their summary out by deciphering my crazy notes… hehe… a few times I’m like what the hell did I type and what’s being said… I didn’t run into many situations like that but it was fun. So yes if we have a summary we don’t have to read down through the entire conversation of the meeting to find an answer. I think I did a fair job summarizing their information together. What I really enjoyed when I was taking their notes were the words people were saying… it makes me giggle just thinking about it. Our character and personality I was trying to keep as I was summarizing… so yeah for me formal recording wasn’t what I enjoyed… I felt like this was a family meeting and so to remember everyone’s character I loved keeping their quirkiness… it’s absolutely adorable. I found myself laughing out loud when I was trying to get their message out… when I submitted my drafts to the specific communities to review and edit for accuracy… I got a few laughs back… they laughed that I used the actual words they were saying… I said I don’t mind what was said as long as it’s authentic… we’re family so I don’t think anyone will get offended… I mean this was how we were talking anyway… of course I have some of my language in the mix since i was editing their information… so I wanted to make sure they were happy with what I had to represent them. I also know there are areas such as the financials that went over my head… hehe… words I’ve heard before but not really any understanding in the context and so I wanted them to better explain what I couldn’t do for them. Plus there were a few communities who didn’t say much during the meetings… so I wanted to give them another opportunity to share more… it’s possible it was overwhelming to be in such a large group and finding a chance to express yourself… the founder was giving people the opportunity, but again didn’t mean they were confident and comfortable expressing… maybe now they’re back in their space they can find the words without any pressure on them. Yes… I’ve been loving the opportunity to gain rapport with the individual communities as well.. I didn’t know how I would approach all of this… but during the meeting we are taking about networking.. so I was going to see how comfortable people are by sharing conversations through online messages. I’d like to start to get to know who I’m working with as well… I know how group chats going with each community… I’ve sent out the drafts and I”m waiting to have them returned their edited version. So yes… the fellow note taker wanted to understand what I was doing so I was able to let her know and she has access to my summaries in the shared document so I figured she would understand what I was doing. And she did say that it seems like this is not a requirement for me to do, but I told her it’s something I want to do. I’ll get to know the communities there a little better with this summary… because it was fairly chaotic trying to keep up with the words…hehe. And the founder also told both of us that he didn’t expect us to do these extras… he thought he was going to receive our chicken scratches and submit them for people to decipher for themselves… but he’s appreciative of our initiative mannerism we both share. I told her I’m enjoying myself and since I’ve done this I’m starting to find connections between them which is what I’m more concerned with. So I told her that I’m not a good editor…for my second project I’ll type it out and she can go back and edit it if she wants to. But I told her she seems like she’s got her hands full with the transcribing already which will take a few weeks… that it’s not necessary. She wanted to edit the summaries I wrote but I told her that I’d like the communities to do the editing. I saw a few of her edits and yeah it was missing the character of the person speaking. I guess it was too formal for me… and honestly I don’t want her to make my content so formal either… I want my character to come out as well.. and my heart and my passion… this is part of my passion project and I’m super grateful to have this opportunity right now. I’ll get into this.. well.. if you’ve been following along for the past six months I don’t have to continue repeating myself of my desire to help communities and connect a network of communities globally… but there’s some lingering baggage when it comes to her specifically so let me get this out for a little bit… so the girl jealousy thing is what I’m wanting to address… so of course I don’t know anyone’s relationship to one another. Before I move on I want to continue to warn people this is a space for me to purge my thoughts.. she is not a bad person.. in fact if she’s been introduced into my life right now I’m excited to see how our relationship develops. So keep that in mind… I find it fascinating how relationships evolve and I ultimately have hope for us to bond eventually… but I”m pretty patient to see that… I’d hope within this year things can completely change but if it takes five years from now… then I’m fine with that too.. I don’t want to have to prove myself and I don’t expect her to prove herself either… I just want to get my initial baggage out so I can open my mind to find a different perspective… which I’ve already been noticing and I want to share but I start from the chaos before clarity… hence my title… its a beautiful chaos and I appreciate this process… so ok… why do I think there’s a girl jealousy thing going on? So I met her at the caving event… I knew I went there to specifically get an opportunity to talk to the founder but I noticed how needy people are of his attention and so I laid back during the weekend and thought possibly we’d have a chance during the few days after I planned to volunteer… so yes I could see he wanting his attention… and she wasn’t completely needy… she has a relationship that’s been developing so he’s more willing to give her attention. but I wasn’t sure if I saw her desire for a possible romantic attention… I’m not sure why I think this.. but I think that’s what i was getting the vibe originally of why she was wondering why I was at the event… maybe she was wondering if I was there because of a romantic interest too… so possibly why she didn’t care to get to know me… which in turn I reciprocated. Again I was observing her and I liked how informative she was when she was getting everyone ready to cave… she went to the same cave as I did however there were two groups and I was in the meditative while she was guiding the adventurous one. we had an incident during the caving the third group in this same area had a girl who got a cut on her leg which was more like a puncture wound and needed to go to the hospital. She wasn’t present when the founder brought her back to take her but when she returned with her group we informed her. It was again interesting to see her reaction. I definitely would describe it as professional yes, but also filled with worry and concern and even anxiety of making the correct steps forward at this point. She was the only staff member at the location now… she’s the leader and she knew she wanted to make the correct decisions which makes sense. We were all tryin got help her get to the results we got too… I feel like I was reminding everyone that it’s not a life a death situation… not using these words of course.. but the one of the girls I was with who helped the founder get the girl inside the car and had a staff member join them to watch her in the car while they went to the hospital… she was a bit frantic as well… when I saw the mannerism of the founder with the injured lady… at first I got up and wondered the degree of severity it was… he was quite calm and had it under control… she’s got a minor injury that needs to be looked at. So I didn’t react… in fact I allowed the people who jumped into help and I continued with my conversations. So the frantic one addressed the note taker partner…and again I can see how she wanted the energies to elevate to degrees which isn’t necessary… to help the frantic one I asked her how close is the hospital and it was like 10 minutes away… she thought it was going to be hours away and thought there was going to be such a huge blood loss etc etc… once she saw that it was right down the road she felt better.. and so again when they were both together she couldn’t help herself wanting to elevate the energy but I felt like I was able to keep it calm and stable for the leader to understand that it wasn’t a life or death emergency. She wasn’t sure again who to trust at that moment but she kept her cool and started to focus on the logistics… she was the only staff and there was a group who didn’t have a staff guide. She questioned if she should go and get them… she feared that they shouldn’t be alone… I reminded her that it’s more of the advanced group… there were many experienced cavers there who are confident in their skills and should be fine for them to get back out when they’re ready. Many confirmed the people present in their group and she recognized some of the descriptions and finally she said ok… she doesn’t need to get them. But then she started to look around to the vehicles… the founder’s truck is here and he will not be returning to get it back… so we’ll need to return it to the hostel. She wondered if all the vehicles present part of our group. I said yes every car came with us… again a question whether to trust me… and so I got out my iPad’s footage and said I recorded everyone arriving because many of us are first timers so there was electricity in the air… so ok… all of the cars are there… one car was missing so how many additional cars do we need. This is when she decided that she’s going to stay back while the two groups who are finished can return to the hostel… sh’ell drive the truck back and any person who needs to ride with her. Good solution and again good observation. we really didn’t have any more interaction that stands out in my mind… we just move to this weekend event and the first memory is the founder talking to her and asking if she remembers me… and she looked up and said oh yeah I remember her and we both just shared a simple smile… hehe… not grand affection for one another and again I will reciprocate… and I completely understand. But yeah… I see there is an affection between them but I also don’t sense a romantic chemistry or spark there either… polyamory being so present gets me wondering who is partnering with who…lol.. like it’s my business… and actually that’s not what I’m asking myself.. I’m asking who is he partners with… but I did see her celebrating a ten year anniversary with her partner on FB and so that’s was cute to see… and yeah I’m not sure why there was a thing for a second… I’ll see how it unfolds… ok.. I feel good leaving that behind so let’s move into the insights I’m getting from the note taking. Since I’ve been involved with the temple farm in Utah I’ve already been brainstorming ideas of what suggestions I’d have for that particular property but again it always leads back on how to scale it to other properties and eventually globally… and again with me not talking at the event and taking notes I found it interesting to hear commonalities and differences in each approach. At the end of the meetings I had a brief moment with the founder to ask how he thought it went and of course he said it went well but he can see things he wants to change for next time. The setup had people arriving Friday afternoon or Saturday morning… the meetings were scheduled longer with both during Saturday before and after lunch.. people will leave at leisure on Sunday. He thought splitting it up through out the weekend would be best… four shorter sessions one on Friday and Sunday and two on Saturday.. I’m sure there were more details he thought of but that’s all that was said at the time. I agreed because I felt we only got to know communities and we really didn’t get to any action steps of solutions for areas of concern. And I think that’s what’s going on right now while I’m deciphering these notes. I guess there’s something I want to address real quick before the details is that at the end of the session there was a collective agreement for the properties wanting to create a blueprint of the function of a community… talking about an outside mediator.. and who would be interested visiting properties to find network opportunities… inside I wanted to say that that’s exactly what I’d be interested in, but I didn’t want to commit to only these properties… so I waited to see who would volunteer or be interested… and there was someone who said she’d be interested… and it was very interesting to see how everyone responded to wanting to support her to do this. She already travels between many communities… I believe she has seven on her list for next season already… and only one was present during this event… so is she saying she’s going to add another seven? I spoke to her one on one… because of course I’d love to support her as well and I wanted to see how she was thinking of approaching this… i love her passion and enthusiasm towards problem solving solutions for her communities.. and I can relate a lot to her.. I found myself reminding her that self care is important if she wants to do this. Ok… I just got done eating a spaghetti lunch with my pops… I feel better using him as a soundboard at this time because it’s not so much spiritual stuff like Aya and deep shit… it’s language he can understand again if he’s not really passionate about but there’s more feedback from him…hehe… and by talking I knew I was missing something… I didn’t know what but I think I figured something out… I want to help these communities and right now I’d like them to focus on self care of course but they’re really wanting a body of intentional volunteers… I was seeing where my nonprofit comes into play.. I’ve got high standards of the communities I’m involved with… right at this time I have communities I adore but all but one are places I would recommend to friends and family to freely go to without my presence… I know it sounds a bit…whatever the word is… but I’ve got high standards and I want my recommendations to be valued because of intentional results… just as an example… I love the temple farm but with the personality that runs this space and there rules… i don’ know much of my friends and families who would enjoy themselves alone, but if i was there to put things into perspective it would be a different situation… same thing applies to the shamans that I work with… a few months ago someone was wanting me to write a FB review on their retreat and I said I wasn’t able to do this because I don't think they’re recommendable at this time. Not that I’m not going to continue me work with everyone… but once they’re ready then I’ll recommend them… but if they’re not there yet… then whomever is attracted to work with them without my recommendations is how it’s supposed to go since that’s what’s happening. I want to build skills to enhance my understanding of what I’d like to do for WithinUverse nonprofit and I was thinking I was going to be recommending these particular communities… but I don’t really know these communities right now… and so I don’t know where there standards are…. But what I could see WithinUverse backing up right now that can help these communities… finding volunteers who are intentional and desire to contribute… I can see creating a program to find these volunteers… I’ve met volunteers I would put on the list already… and possibly it’s going to be a recommendation program… not everyone can go on to the site and sign up with their details… somebody has to recommend them to join… and this tool can also be used as a reference for volunteers to find opportunities. So yes I see I can put my focus in this area at this time. Everyone want to know how to get volunteers to actually work.. and there’s a concern they’re just looking for a free place to live so they’re not homeless… and I would consider myself as a work trader and I can see how these could be a perception to look at but that’s going to limit volunteer opportunity because of the lack of trust. Now the people I know doesn’t mean they’re all completely perfect volunteers… we have our pros and cons; however… they’re intentional to grow and learn and connect… so I’d recommend them to be volunteers for these communities… even though I’m not sure I’m recommending the communities until I actually have time to understand where they are. Another factor that seems to be in the way is that these communities don’t always have housing for these volunteers… so this will need to be addressed. WithinUverse would love to have a collection of intentional volunteers and to start a system to start gathering these people I find will be very beneficial. Interesting… it’s going to be nice to narrow down my focus right now… so where do I start? Hehe So… what are programs that are already out there that seem like it’s the same thing or similar? Let me do a search real quick… right now I’m thinking workaway, woofing, couchsurfing…. Things of this nature and I also remember LDS has a website dedicated to finding volunteer opportunities… but there’s more out there I’m sure… lets see what I can find… so actually I think I’ll finish this session here so I can do some research… sweet… until next time… enjoy!

I’m glad I went to play disc golf… I really do enjoy you woods in my hometown.. but I forgot there was a tournament playing on Saturday mornings… but I pulled and parked and went to the shelter house because it looked like one of the main guys who takes care of the land was there. And I wanted to say hello and see what’s going on with the event… some were finished with their round of 27 holes… but some were still playing so I wanted to wait until it was finished before I threw. But it was fun to see familiar faces from last time I started disc golf… there are some that I somewhat watch on FB when their posts come on up and i’m scanning through… but one guy likes to hike and adventure around and he was there and it was nice to see him… in a week he’s going to Red River Gorge and I told him that this location has been on my mind as a place I’d like to go visit while I’m here this year. There’s a few posts from different people and yeah it looks like a great spot… this particular guy kind of goes off trail and finds hidden waterfalls and areas that the public doesn’t go.. so the pictures he gets aren’t the normal picture… he’s a great photographer as well. But yes I’m glad I went because it’s fun to do something a bit different to switch up activities to use the mind and body in a variety of ways… i actually really like it when I throw the disc and I have to go find it… for some reason I feel like this is a good skill to continue to build even though I’d like to build the skill to throw better and stay in the clearing… hehe both applies. I sat around chatting for the most part and I went ahead and threw a round of 14 holes before I went back to the house to do some cleaning. For some reason it seems like I’m always looking at my belongings and ask if I really need this at this time… and so I put a few piles separated from one another… I was putting things that I know I’m using currently… but I started a pile that I put in a drawer of belongings that I’ll be donating to the hostel mostly sewing supplies and a second pile of things I don’t know if I need anymore and most likely donate. I was thinking about going back to Indy to visit friends but I wasn’t really sure when that would be. But I reached out to my last housemate to see if he was available to hang out… he’s married now and I’d like to meet them and he’s just a funny and great guy and want to catch up while I’m around… we actually met because we were both on a coed softball team called the Fireballers… we were all in the mix of having a great time playing and not so much on the competitive side… many of our players hadn’t even played the game before… hehe… and yes back then we were drinking fairly heavy during and after the games. But he’s like… do you think its time for a Fireball reunion? And I said I’m definitely down… I’d absolutely love to share time with everyone… I’ve been watching many of these people as well on FB and there were two members that actually got married and have a daughter now… there will be much change from when was that? Eight years ago? It’s challenging for me to even remember that person I was then… hehe… but yes I’d love to have a reunion with them and he said he’s going to work on it. I was also thinking about the girl group that I use to hangout with a lot while I was living in Indy and I also watch them and I”d love to have a little girls reunion too… maybe a Friendsgiving maybe? But it’s just around the corner and I’m not sure if it’s too late of notice but I’ll see what happens. This also brings up the fact that I went to go to another childhood friend’s house last night since we hadn’t seen each other since I returned… but when I was leaving we were talking about the new year being right around the corner and can’t believe it’s going to be 2025… all of a sudden it hit me… oh wait… I was going to host a 25 year reunion… and wow… that would be next year… I’m the class president and I’ve only hosted one reunion in 2015… but I thought the next time would be 25.. so I guess that’s the year coming up… hehe… and I’m going to be around… so cool… I’ll be planning on figuring out where we’ll go and what we’ll do… last time I put out two ideas for people to vote on… one was going to a woodsy area that is setup for large gatherings and I thought maybe we’d cook together.. have opportunities to have social area and have classes to meet their children with art and dance.. but allow moments for private conversations and doing some type of lantern ceremony at night… this was my vote… hehe… but we chose to go to a local Elks club, hired a band, and people wanted to eat the prepared food there and mostly drink. I don’t think I’m going to put a choice up this year… hehe… or I’m going to not have a drinking at the bar as an option… not that I won’t allow drinking to be involved I just don’t want that to be the main focus. I literally just remembered this year is upon us… so I’ll need to see what kind of ideas come up… it’ll be fun to see anyone who shows up… many people on FB are from my hometown and especially from my graduating class.. so it’ll be fun to see everyone. I also enjoyed spending time with my girl friend… we went to a brewery which had a very large backyard that had several fire pits and was able to find one where we had it on our own… not at first but the group ended up leaving… and we enjoyed our privacy. A very family oriented brewery with kids running around but they didn’t seem like they were that out of control.. mostly throwing football or tag… so I didn’t mind the atmosphere… but I definitely didn’t want to be inside because yes it was crowded and watching the Indiana State football game… I wanted to be intentional in our conversations and sitting by the fire seems far mor desirable and it was wonderful. Of course we were catching up… I hadn’t been around for a year and we might have caught up four times online during this time… but we got to get more details of what’s going on… I was impressed how I was able to get through the year in a concise manner especially for me… hehe.. but she was able to do as well… What I was wanting to get to and what she was most interested in is this whole move towards wanting to share a romantic relationship with the intentional community host. She really gets surprised when I tell her how long I haven’t had sexual relationships or any other touch in a sensual manner…. Right she’s known me from childhood and just like myself just can’t imagine I’ve gone this long… this is reminding me of my video chat with my buddy who I stay with in Colorado who retires in Cabo for the winter.. I told him that I want to date this winter and he about passed out and mentioned how that sounds so weird coming out of my mouth… so he’s only known me when I intentionally been working on Spiritual Enlightenment.. so he’s seen me remove distractions… discipline of making changes… and even through the point of me relaxing… anyway…he’s seen me change through this process but was excited for me that I’m making these moves.. I told him to wish me luck and he said he will but I won’t need it… it’s only going to be newish for a short time and I’ll fall right into with flying colors. And that’s what my girl friend was encouraging me as well.. and I have that same understanding too. But I was liking to talk about the process and she was able to give her feedback… she was able to talk about her personal experience with her long-term relationships which has been a similar story I’ve been hearing but it’s obvious she’s been noticing her negative thoughts and moving intentionally to redirect her self talk. And she looks happier and she is more concerned about her self care which is always a good sign. I didn’t get her permission to discuss her details so I won’t go into it… but what I will go into was our conversation about me meeting people from the kink community. I did get their permission to discuss… so I’ll continue there I’ve met different people in this scene and I enjoy how open they’ve been in sharing their opinions with me. I’m only been on the fringe of this scene but it has been something I’ve been curious about. I mean I see everything as an opportunity to gain spiritual growth and understanding and sex is not separate from this… I want to learn more and excited when I get opportunities to step in this direction even if it’s just talking about it. I know the way I’m going to gain experience is waiting to share itself to me when I’m ready and when the people align with sharing this with me. I dated a guy for a few months who taught me about polyamory and kink… he was from my graduating class and there were three of us from our hometown would get together and hangout and it started to continue from there. I was getting out of my 13 year relationship and was looking to see what I didn’t know about myself in romantic relationships and the concepts of polyamorous really resonated with me. I mean I didn’t know if the multiple partners was my thing.. but all the other principles of transparency, integrity, communication, and consent was something all people should be practicing with people in general but especially romantically. He implied to me that this scene doesn’t really put a focus on sexual penetration of genitalia. He was drawn to the scene where they wanted to see how many ways we could get sexual arousal and satisfaction without actually having genitalia penetration. I found that interesting but I could see how that applies for him… and when we were dating we didn’t really do a lot of sexual sharings… I did ask him to tie me up because that was something he seemed to really enjoy.. he had a trunk of treasures which involved ropes. I remember how exciting it was for me to have him do this to me… he was very good at making me feel comfortable but I didn’t really have any reservations at the time and I trusted him… and he went slowly and did a very basic tie… I didn’t have any unusual body positions just the basics around my torso and my hands… but yes his approach of slowly wrapping it around me and circling my body and watching my reactions the entire time.. it was fun and I remember it and I enjoyed it. Well… I met more ropers… I don’t know the terms and I already know that I’m not going to be using the accurate terminology but hey thats again just how I go… but I wanted to hear what kink means to them and how they approach it as a couple and they were very open to sharing. They’ve been together for three and half years now and the first time they met was at a kink party… when it comes to their basic physical structure she’s short and curvy while he’s tall and solid… so she said he stood out in the crowd. They spoke a little during that first event of meeting but it wasn’t until later that they started to want to build something deeper. She found that she’s a “Demi-sexual”. I asked what that was and she said that it takes her a long time to be sexually attractive to someone because an emotional connection has to be developed before she becomes attractive. So I’m assuming that she doesn’t find people just physically attractive.. however she said that their are two types of men she seems to be attracted to are one that their androgynous where they aren’t clearly masculine of feminine but a beautiful mixture of that.. or two a man that’s literally going to break me in half…with a chuckle.. and she said when they first met she wasn’t really sure if they were going to make it because her partner was very active with several partners and she told him that if he wanted to engage with her in a sexual manner that he would have to pretty much stop playing with other partners until they gained a foundation of trust. And at first he continued to play because he enjoyed it, but he came back to her and said that he’s definitely willing to do this to get to know her more and so they started to be exclusive with one another… and again it took months of getting to know one another before they engaged in sexual exploration with one another. She said she was a jealous type at the beginning so this foundation really set up trust and it took her awhile to open up to sharing which is something he’s interested in but they took the slow steps to introduce a third party into the mix…and what she was surprised by is the fact that it’s pleasurable to watch her partner with another partner. She said that technically she doesn’t really especially wants to always have sexual genitalia penetration and I’m not sure how far they go with a threesome but she does admit that she likes to watch him. But she said that thus far they’ve only had two females and one male and she’d be curious to see how it would be with two males and one female. She also admitted that not all the time she enjoys the threesomes because she’s not mutually attracted to the female… but again this was wonderful to hear. They were saying that the kink scene is extremely diverse so you’ll have some parties where sexual genitalia penetration is accepted and expected while other parties absolutely won’t allow that as part of the party. They were mentioning all kind of terms… they educate the public about boundaries, communication, consent, and signs of predator behavior which unfortunately exists in this scene. As much we’d like to hope everyone has elevated their consciousness to respect and honor all the guests with best intentions… that isn’t the case at this time. He said that the most common fetish that seems to be around is “impact” which again i wanted him to explain… he said like spanking and pressure and I’m sure he gave more examples but this was a language that’s not familiar so I can only remember a snippet of information given because I don’t have any experience in the context… but he himself is interested in rope as well. I asked him how this developed… and he said it was actually through his exe’s ex-boyfriend. He himself was very conservative for most of his life and when he was with his exe they were fairly… hehe… cannot remember the term they used… but it was “bland” or you know what I mean unflavorable? I don’t remember but they did start to introduce some toys eventually. So they had a box of play toys they had used together and when they separated his exe kept the box. But he eventually got introduced to a Japanese sexual rope play… it starts with an S… let me look this up real quick… ok called Shibari.. and he ended up messaging his exe to see if she was using any of those toys and if not can he use the rope… and she commented that yes she doesn’t use any of the toys… her current boyfriend has his own ropes… and this stood out to him.. he has his own rope…and eventually he got the chance to ask him about it… and the boyfriend was open to share this with him and it’s built from their. He really like to take photography of the rope bondage and Shibari especially and shared some of his work with me which I saw the beauty and artistry that took place in the bondage and photography… and so it was interesting to have this introduced for me to think about. He also admitted they like the dominant/submissive thing as well… I’m sure there’s a term that I don’t remember… but he said that many engage with this but there’s a few variations with this kink… first of all some may play this role only when at parties… while some may do this all the times in their life… there are people who have a set dominant and a set submissive while others choose to change the roles throughout the play… they didn’t specifically say what their role was but just by observing them… I saw the female seemed to be the submissive I saw he would ask her to do things for him and she was not hesitant to do them for him… but again this isn’t necessarily saying this to be true.. I just didn’t dig any deeper into this with them. They were saying that the kink doesn’t necessarily tie to polyamory either… there are many couples who only play with each other.. but they happen to like voyeurism Holy cow! My iPad died on me and I lost so much content that I was writing… and I thought i plugged it in but it wasn’t charging… and at these moments I feel like what I was sharing wasn’t all necessarily meant to be shared… it goes through my process of purging to gain insights.. and I felt a moment where I was tightening up again and hitting that cord… and it was beautiful… I still want to continue to write but I’m going to just put some key insights in instead of the process for me to get there… so I’ll try to continue where I left off… it didn’t erase everything… but yeah while I was waiting for enough juice to power it up I was like… what is going to be left of my session? And I was hoping everything would still be there.. but it wasn’t… but I’m ok with that and I’ll see how I’m going to proceed and what I”m drawn to recall… so interesting of what should be shared or not… ok where did the entry leave off? Voyeurism… now this has an implication that it’s secretive and without consent but that does not apply for a kink party it’s open and fully consensual but the act of enjoying being watched and watching sexual activities. I am interested in both of these areas… when it comes to this though I feel like it’s not only for gratification but for educational purposes too. Where am i right now and what do I see could be steps to move forward with my lessons at this time? I am ready to go all in and be as completely vulnerable and trusting that I’m attracting a deep partnership where not only are we going to express fully our attraction but also our desire to share in each other’s passions. I realize that I’m afraid that my intensity and passion is too much and I’ve played myself down so I can be accepted and received but that’s no longer my approach because I don’t want to play games and waste anyone’s time… if my authenticity is something that can be received at this time.. then I don’t need to wait to be received… I’ll continue to do the work to attract this bond of depthless that I’ve been truly wanting to experience and I’m now ready to experience. I’ve had to do a lot of work to be able to unconditionally love myself and this romantic depthless is not something I want to keep from myself any longer. My body and mind are on the same page of fully giving this a chance… a balance of logic and emotion… a balance of directness and softness… I’m excited to see where Reality will lead me as I walk this path intentionally. I’m very hopeful but will be also listening to any flags that might arise in this process. I originally thought that I might have a rule of no penis penetration into my vagina or my anus to start with… but I don’t want to have anything stopping us from how we express and learn together.. I thought possibly my creativity and motivation would be stunted if I share my powerful sexual energy and I’ve had to clear energies of past partners.. but honestly there’s nothing to be afraid of… I embody these qualities and it’s not dependent on my sexual energy. In fact I feel like if I’m able to express my sexual energy deeply with my partner… is only going to lead to more strength and more grace… and be a better teacher and guide. Not that I want to immediately step into the penetration right away… I want to start with communication. I mean honestly have conversations where we want to not assume we understand by our own definitions of words but willing to have conversations more than a sentence long to want to understand what our partner is trying to express at the time. I don’t take words for granted and I will continue to ask for clarification and I’m hoping he will find this endearing that I really want to understand him… we have different programming and nuanced differences in each word… so the desire to understand and communicate is where I’d like to begin. And when it comes to sexual interactions… I’m wanting to learn to not have an expectation of destination… I want to just immerse myself fully into whatever transpires. I was sharing an intimate moment of touching one another’s hands… I mean I could see how powerful it was to have this brief encounter but I wasn’t in the setting that would have allowed me to explore and express… but I found pleasure to do this with him.. and I’d like to share more of these moments in privacy until however long it is for me to be able to display it differently. I was saying I already know he’s polyamorous and this is something I do not want to take away from him… but I’m hoping he might be open to giving me a few months of time to see if there’s chemistry between us before he adds a new partner.. and if we can build this then I would understand if the new partner would need this as well.. I don’t know what he needs but i want to know. And right now I’m sure he just need space and time to process his separation. And I want to give him this. I want to learn how to support him in the way he wants but also in the ways I can. I’m very grateful I’m moving forward with more intention and direction of what I want to add into the mix of my fucking amazing life that I’m so grateful to be experiencing. Regardless of the results… we will be able to learn so much from one another and grow ourselves which is a value we both share. Man it feel like I’m just not in the flow like I was earlier before the iPad died… there are things I was going to write and I’m not sure i”m in the zone any longer. I guess I’ll just try to briefly put in a few things and see if it starts to ignite inspiration to continue. Yesterday when I was cleaning i came across some of my tarot cards and I thought why not see what messages I get… I chose two decks which I don’t necessarily have to pull out the book to read the messages.. I’ll just go with the little that’s written on the front. So I started with the Angels and Crystal oracle cards… and two cards flew out… the first was Rodocrisita : Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you need time to heal and recover. The second was Tanzanite: You are ready to love again. Your heart has healed from the wounds of the past and is open to love again. I grabbed the Love Angels oracle deck and got more cards (1) Chemistry: Feel a strong magnetic attraction. (2) Open your mind: Your soulmate may be different from the type of person you expect to meet. (3) Honeymoon: Appreciate the charm of a couple's holiday. (4) Give your relationship a chance: Make time for your partner. (5) Flirtation: Give your carefree energy to others! I asked if there is anymore clarification that can be given at this time and three more cards fell (6) Forgive and Let go: By releasing the past, you live much more love in the present moment. (7) Separation: A period away from your partner is announced. (8) He deserves love: He is worthy of being loved! I can feel like my attention is straying and so I’ll just mention this morning I was thinking about ways I would approach the Chicken game differently and remembered the book I want to write about exploring sexuality.. I’ll just put it down to maybe pickup at another time. Until next time… enjoy!

Good morning… so interesting I was just finding myself doing a physical purge is something minor but it’s a sign for me and I”ve found myself doing this quite often lately… it sounds maybe a bit odd.. but it’s belching or burping… I wasn’t going to start this session with this but literally when I was signing in and scrolling to get to this session to write I was doing this and this is something subtle but it does communicate to me… and for me by participating in Aya ceremonies… I’ve noticed the many ways of purging and this is one of them… to me it’s allowing space and room for me to release the old and open to experience the new… so I guess I wanted to mention this. So when I started with so interesting at the start of this… I wasn’t going to say anything about burping but that’s what I wrote… what I was going to say was interesting is that I fell asleep shortly after my post last night which was fairly early in the night and I slept until I woke up at 2:22am in the morning… I used the restroom and my dad was getting ready for bed… and I thought maybe I was just wanting time to be awake and be the only one to be awake in the house for some solitude in an essence… I thought maybe this is the time I can dive into deciphering the notes from the weekend… but I found myself coming to this forum and I started to read my first entries when I began this Journal. Gosh I didn’t remember who quickly I got into exposing myself with areas of trauma that I had when I was younger… but I was reading and I felt like I was getting tired again… so I went back to sleep and while I was sleeping I started to get some insights of where I can explore my attempt to express why my body is recognizing something.. my body is recognizing safe space… and trust is something to look into more as well. So.. how do I begin? So I was reading about the events I had when I was a child and there were inappropriate engagements that I shared with older relatives… there was one who restrained me and overpowered me when I didn’t want to be with him. I’m sure this is something that has been subconsciously assisting me of not fully trusting people. However much I have a desire to find safe spaces… I have so many stipulations that mind has that doubts or suspects foul play behind people’s intention.. Geesh when I write this out it sounds like it’s so extreme but that’s not how I perceive it… for the most time I do not feel like this but I think specifically when it comes to exploring and expressing my sexuality… this is where I haven’t felt a safe space before. Again wanting to have this was always a mind chatter of wondering if this is a safe opportunity… but if feels right now… that my mind wasn’t really ready to understand what a safe space is… it’s my body who seems to feel like it has more understanding… these are not separate and they work together… but to explain this it makes more sense to split it up… my body seems to be stepping up with clear communication that is more evident to notice… while if I kept it as a mind masturbation… it would be the same old thing… so yes Realities communication seems to be clearer and I’m so grateful I’ve become open enough to receive these communications. Not only was I feeling like there’s an opportunity for a safe space for my sexuality… but at the fire circle… again… there was a safe space for me to surrender and express myself through the drum and voice… I’ve been looking for safe space… and I’ve found it. And I’m excited to see what my potential will be when I have a safe space… holy shit I feel like I’m going to transform drastically and exponentially right onto my path with a much deeper confidence and trust in myself not only the Universe… again which isn’t separated but there’s a humanness that seems to be addressed. There’s a human side to me that needs deeper understanding before it can transition in these areas as Universal love. Hehe… if anyone starts to read this Journal near the end there’s a lot of context that is missing when I’m typing… Enlightenment exploration is what I do and how I try to explain the benefits of transitioning from human to Universal mindsets… when our identity switches… we communicate with the Universe in a manner where messages are being given in massively diverse ways… but once it clicks that this is guidance… there’s no hesitation of oh… when am I going to start working on this? It’s like ok… thank you there is something I’m going to work on now.. and the benefits of working on what’s stopping us from moving forward with authenticity is far more desirable then waiting… I no this is challenging for me to explain… but that’s why my rambling goes through this process… there’s in between the lines that communicates as much as direct words that are coming out. We’ve got to be using our intuition and intelligence to gather the data and gain the understanding. I’m working on figuring out how to speak with clarity and conciseness that I’m heading towards… but this is the process and I’m learning through the process. And even though I said that it seems like we don’t want to wait to go through the lessons but I’ve been getting messages to prepare me to work in this area… so it wasn’t quite immediate… but I guess it’s been patient for me to prepare myself to make these changes… and it’s clearing up room to allow me to be ready to be ready… and I guess once I realize all of the factors that are in alignment… and then I realize… ok I’m ready to do this. So… yes it excites me to see what has challenged me in the past… I’m so much more confident that it’s not going to be as challenging as I think it is… I’m ok with challenge because it’s so worth it to get into it and see the benefits of the results of facing the challenge and embodying the results that are gained through facing… so yes… I enjoy the communication and relationship with the Universe… I’m so blessed to have reached this state of union… it’s what I’ve always desired but didn’t know until I was in it. We’re in it folks… we just don’t realize it until we do… and to do so we have to make commitments to be more intentional in all areas of our life. Ok… let’s get back to safe space and trust. Let’s go into trust real quick… it’s a bit funny but I’ve always been on the side of trusting in my life however I didn’t realize the balance of finding a safe space to really be able to trust. What am I saying? Let’s just bring up the Australian man again… I had gotten so many messages about him and I cannot express how much I trust the Universe and when I was receiving these messages I’ve been demonstrating to the Universe just how much I trust it by overcoming fears.. and when I notice areas of fear I want to explore and discover so the fear can dissolve.. or at least reduced… so we shared intimacy when we met and we met through Aya ceremonies where safe space was present… we were able to be vulnerable and explore and express in this safe space… but when we found ourselves out of the safe space… things changed. I wanted to continue the vulnerability and exploration to continue… my communication didn’t change, but for him… it was different when he returned back to the real world… his communication changed and his opinion of me changed as well. When I went to visit him there were details that he was expressing that he’s not ready to be vulnerable right now.. he was going through a divorce and even though we wanted to see and visit with one another… there was a wall up… and yes safe space wasn’t present but I wanted to trust and still went through the motions that I needed to to get the experience to learn from. But holy shit… I continued to trust because I continued to receive messages… and I’d try to reach out and express with my heart and I didn’t really realize he wasn’t able to create safe space for me. I know I felt this but I wanted to trust that the Universe is wanting me to engage with him… but the Universe was also telling me to be patient and wait… and I felt like I was doing this… but I’ve gain so many insights while I was dealing with him. And it’s to the point where his energy is not needed in my energy right now… I’m moving forward towards growth and if I continue to try to hold on.. that’s going to prevent me from growth… and I desire growth far more than a human. Finally the Universe was able to communicate to my thick skull that it’s time to cut the cord between us. Getting to a point of understanding that I trust the Universe completely and trust it will guide me through the unknown… and I trust myself to be able to walk the steps necessary for my human to learn through experience. I rarely opened up to expressing my romantic side to him… I knew he was not ready for that however we’ve been in our relationship for seven years.. so I thought we’d be able to get to a point where we could talk more deeply… but that wasn’t the case… and I’m not going to wait for him to be ready… in fact I’m ok to remove him and see who and what the Universe wants me to experience. That’s why I think again I was tearing up… tearing up and crying doesn’t come easy but it’s starting to flow much easier than the past… but the Universe knows my deepest desires.. and even though I know this is a deep desire I have… I get in the way and the Universe wants me to allow myself to experience the best and I’m just so thankful that it’s never given up on me… The Universe never gives up on us and knows our deepest desires and wants us to experience these desires… but it also understands the complexity we’ve woven around our hearts to be able to be ready to allow this bliss to enter our lives… I trust the Universe… I’ve been able to trust myself which in turn allows me to trust “others” which again in a way doesn’t exist.. but most people I’m speaking with right now are humans so the concept of others is a thing… so I was thinking about my current romantic interest now… He has been a safe space right from the get go… but of course my mind was not certain… it’s doing it’s thing of observing and contemplating… again.. there’s a desire for safe space to open up freely but again… my mind thinks it’s going to take time for observation before determining through thought to discern whether its a safe space or not… and just to let you know… it’s not like I knew I was looking for a safe space… hehe.. I’m satisfied being with my own energy and even though I want to find “other’ energies to connect and bond with… I’m not desperate and very picky and more patient. I’m noticing that I too have one foot out the door to escape if I feel the need to… and that’s what I’m understanding again by noticing that my body is speaking louder than my thought right now. It’s recognizing something that it wants the mind to understand… when I speak with the man I see that I want to be as honestly expressive than most… it’s hard to explain because I do this on the regular but I also know see there’s a deeper degree that can be embodied and its drawing me into a deep desire to explore right here and right now. My body recognized he is a safe space… I wonder how similar we are to each other when it comes to this… I wonder if he also found himself wanting to trust and find safe space to move into deeper levels of expression. To me from the brief observation that he seems to be well on his way of doing this comfortably and easily… like I was say might be something people perceive of me… but he admits that there is a messiness that he knows he wants to address and so maybe he hasn’t felt that safe space to explore depths to these degrees that we intuitive know exists but finding the combination of divine timing of preparing ourselves to be ready to be ready to open and surrender deeper. I want to be that safe space for him. But he says it’s hard for him to trust and so I understand there’s going to be a process of building this trust. And again… maybe he hasn’t had the loud communication of his body speaking to him like I have… and so maybe I can assume his mind and thoughts are what is speaking to him which makes him want to question everything and as hopefully he wants to be… doubt creeps in and it speaks strongly to carefully maneuver in the Reality in these areas… if this is the case then I completely understand. I’ve been slowly trying to interject to him that I’m not wanting to have a foot out the door right now. I want to keep both doors in… I’m wanting to completely surrender to getting to know one another and see how much growth we can find by committing to explore and surrender depths to allow benefits we don’t understand at this point but intuitively want to experience. I want to have both feet in but there’s also a side of me that is wanting him to know that there is a purpose that I’m involved in that involves universal connections… global connections is how I explain for a human to understand… I’m telling him I can give him a year which might be interpreted differently than what I’m trying to say. I am motivated to move in my purpose that’s universal… there’s something quite profound and grand that I’m involved with and I want this to be understood. Why I am saying a year I can give right now is because… I have a calling that will take me away from Indiana… from the States… into lands I haven’t known as this human body. But the quality of intention isn’t understood right away. I continue to walk with intention at all times. An example from the weekend would be when one of the guests gives readings using his crystals… I noticed people were sitting in the same room and when it was my turn I didn’t want to be difficult or rude.. I like everyone who was present.. but I didn’t want this experience to be public. I wanted it to be far more intimate… I wanted to remove ourselves from possible distractions… I wanted to focus and get myself to ground and receive… we moved into an area where no one present…and he commented on how he loves to see how intentional I am with this reading.. and it makes me chuckle because yes… I understand that the Universe communicates in many ways and if the Universe intentionally becomes intentional then clarity of communication arises… and sometimes not.. but again this is something subtle but sharing time together its understood… removing distractions allows intention as well… declutterring activities that surround the situation… I’m moving back to the moments we shared on the couch… even though I know I gained understanding by sharing this with him and everyone else in the space… but I also gained an understanding that where I am right now… I desire privacy and not a public display. And it wasn’t like anyone was watching us as if they were the audience to see what our interaction was going to lead to… but again I didn’t want to express myself in this environment. As much as I enjoyed enjoying the touching we shared… I was distracted with activities and I felt I couldn’t explore my intentions as deeply as I would like to. I mean this doesn’t automatically assume that when we are alone that I’ll be open either.. hehe… I just don’t know how things are going to play out. But I also don’t know if he has a desire to spend quality alone time with me either… but again I don’t think he knows whether he wants to either. We don’t know one another… and there’s a woman who came into his life expressing at surprised attraction towards him… he maybe wondering why? Maybe he’s wondering if I have alternative reasons? But I also noticed that he didn’t automatically close the door on me either. And I think being able to be around each other’s energy he was communicating that he’s willing to take some baby steps to see if there is a connection or attraction between us. But yes… he’s got a lot on his plate not only all the hostel stuff but his heart is occupied in dealing heavy feelings. I’m not in a rush… there’s nowhere I want to be right now except right here and right now. What I desire is to be intentionally present with him to build strength in trust. I feel there’s something far deeper than just romantic depths… that’s just the cherry on top… and if we find romantically isn’t where we connect or bond… then that’s fine as well… I see us partnering up far longer than the year I am committing to. I feel this year will allow an honest and realistic understanding of where we are and how we work together in multiple aspects of our lives. Many may think that a year isn’t that long of time…but holy shit it can be a life time of experience when living with intention. There’s been transformation from the year I spent in Utah and Colorado which was a year… but again there was an element of missing the feeling of a safe space… I can imagine that having a year of intent, trust, and safe space will again be the perfect combination from tangible growth that won’t be as subtle as in the past. When I say I want to be here for a year… doesn’t mean thats where it will end… in fact I want it to be the beginning of our journey together… allowing us the time and space to get to understand one another… if it goes even a hint of what I’m feeling and intuiting… we’ll want to choose to spend time together outside of Indiana to help support one another. I feel I can gain so many benefits to support him and his empire he’s been creating and it’s amazing and impressive… I’d love to dive deeper into his creative mind and be an assistant to allow him to remember to self-care and clear energies that linger and unnecessary… Even though I would love to support him, I’m also not wanting to lose my empire I am wanting as well… I know this is unshakable and I won’t forget but also communicating that I’m not wishy-washy about my purpose… but people want me to explain it through words and that’s challenging but hopefully I’ll find the words soon… or really when it comes it will come and until then I can express my passion for purpose can be understood by spending time with me. I don’t really know at this point but I have an intuitive nudge that this man has been working towards transitioning from human mind to Universal mind… and that’s where my line of work comes into play… I hope that through my support with his visions for a year will allow him to understand why he might want to support my vision as well… which isn’t excluding him… it’s going to be showing him the potentials that he might not have imagined quite yet… he’s brilliant and creative and has been manifesting larger than what an average human thinks is possible…and I have a feeling he’s confident to give back more to the larger community collective… I’ve made commitments in my purpose that has allowed me to move freely between communities learning about detachment which is not void of unconditional love.. but in my understanding that I’m willing to make sacrifices to create a connected whole ultimately… but my idea of sacrifice continues to mature and I don’t need to sacrifice to degrees where I don’t allow myself to enjoy opportunities I want to explore. I’m over whipping myself to be motivated and disciplined… these are things I am and graceful to the degrees I allow at different times when I fluctuate. Learning to dance to the art of Reality is becoming more masterful… and strategy is looking for that point of a degree of impetuous… I do care but I want to go all in because I recognize the potential results. And I have a feeling it’s far more that what I can imagine at this time but what I’m imagining it’s going to be worth it! And damn it I’m worth it too! I’ve been working to get to this point and I’m grateful how much doubt is clearing away… So again it seems like sex is a main focus right now and I don’t want it to be such a focal point but it’s an area that I’ve been setting on the side so yeah it’s now become important for me to address.. it’s been waiting to be addressed and now I see an opportunity. So in this environment there seems to be many who are involved who are open to sexual play. And they are not shy in their expression but very respectful. I’m sure they can smell it on me… that curiosity of exploration… I think they witnessed moments of raw honesty of bliss with ones that I’ve found to surrender and express…usually when it was in smaller groups that’s where I’m comfortable right now. This is reminding me of a message exchange with one of the guests during the weekend.. she was so sweet and expressive of how she appreciated meeting me and sharing time together… I’ll share the screenshot of part of the conversation. But I bond with people in smaller groups and with time to bond and express… that’s something I’ve noticed with this man the founder… I was able to build bonds with the guests and staff more than I could with him because of time shared… as much as I would like to go right now and share time with him… his attention is on work related issues… and again I’m wondering if he’s more attracted to dealing with me because of what I can help with his work? And I know I can help with him in his work… but I want to get to know him personally outside of work context. I don’t want to piece together who this man is through other peoples interpretations and stories of him… I want to go directly to the source and have my own experiences to create the picture through our shared time together. I feel he wants this balance and is taking tangible steps to create the opportunities to find the balance. I trust he’s already doing what he needs to to realize it for himself. And I also realize that there’s a part of me who wants to prove my worthiness. What have I been doing to make me think this? So… I’m very excited to be meeting the people I’ve been getting introduced to specifically at the hostel. I mean I’ve spent half my time there so they are the ones I’m getting interested in and I enjoyed myself. I notice that in a group setting I’m not as expressive but I also found amazing in depth conversations and bonding when it was one to one and smaller groups.. and those few have a better understanding of who I am because it was the space and time I needed to share myself openly. But again I didn’t get to everyone.. it was only over the weekend which didn’t allow time for me to get to everyone and I know people are attracted to one another and so I’ve been wanting to keep in touch with these people. So how do I show them a part of me that I wasn’t able to express through words? I love to make these video clips of a story I lived and I do this already but it was one way to demonstrate that hey… I’m worthy to get to know better… see… I’m creative and I don’t actually put a lot of effort into these videos… but I’m going to be more intentional in the quality but there is still a degree of intention at play but this will mature… and then I was inspired to create storytelling artwork to capture the event through digital art.. which again is something I haven’t really had the time to explore much but I have a degree of confidence in art that it can be presented with some degree of approval… another subtle way of worthiness through creativity… but then there was another event with more people who I want to get to know and also the case I didn’t get to everyone personally but desire to make arrangements to have that alone time to understand one another more… but I was a note taker… and I placed the timeline of getting the information out in a timely manner that again was a way to demonstrate my worthiness as an allí for this next year and also wanting to get a piece of art out during the honeymoon phase… but I’m rushing the process… I mean I like the artwork but it’s not really at the point that I’m like ok.. .this is why I’m trying this out… and I am concerned that this honeymoon phase is a short lived time period… why? I feel like I’m half assing things because of this perceived timeline I’ve place us on. I’m worthy and damn it if no one wants to find that out then why am I giving so much effort to prove my worthiness? And how many people am I trying to prove to? Again… it’s like what I dealt with in art in general… I hated when i was doing art when I was thinking what does the audience want from me? Let me brainstorm what they want… when I transitioned to not caring what they want and focus on what i want… it’s much more satisfying and fulfilling to approach art this way… and that applies now… and it also applies to showing my worthiness to the people I’ve met. It applies to my romantic interest as well… what does he want so I can prove my worthiness to get to know me better? I mean it’s easy to have the enthusiasm to help with projects around the hostel which can show my worthiness to be a part of the hostel… but there’s far more that I can help with than labor. I’m just used to showing worthiness through labor and results and efficiency. But I’m more sensitive now and I’ve found myself exhausted. And I’m getting messages that my role is changing.. and I’m not sure exactly what that means… but I have a degree of understanding that labor isn’t all that I’m good at… and labor is a very tangible degree to determine worthiness and a blunt way to notice… but I work in the subtleties… and I’d much rather follow what I want to do at each moment without pressuring myself of what i should do to show my worthiness… I’m trying to figure out how to weed out people who are not aligned with me at this time. I’m trying to maintain my energies and wanting to focus energy towards my purpose which encompasses many facets… but I’ve been thinking about temples… I thought that staying in one place limits the potential of ready people to find one another… but that isn’t the case. I found many amazing people by being at a temple… it was attracting the people together and we were recognizing one another… and so my original thoughts of me having to go and travel to find the people… that’s not always the case… many people I’m looking for are in areas that don’t allow the opportunity and freedom for international travel so I know I’ll be going to them… but right now I’m feeling of grounding my roots for awhile… and allowing the opportunity for people to find me. when I come to Indiana especially there are so many amazing people that I hope are ready to move forward to Universal mind… so I have lists of people I want to go and visit and spend time with… but I want to focus my energies… and I don’t know when people are ready… I just know I”m ready to expand.. and why don’t I see who gets attracted to the location I’m at? I mean I’ve always been impressed with the people I’ve met at the hostel… and it was clear it attracts amazing people just like the temple… the founder has built this vortex of attraction… and why not be able to work with this magnetism? He’s extremely magnetic however I feel like I am too… so why not increase the magnetism? I do enjoy labor admittedly… I’m so excited there’s a wood shop here at the hostel… and I haven’t had an opportunity to enjoy a wood shop before except for brief moments in college… the wood shop calls to me and the professors were noticing my affinity to wood and was trying to pull me into their department… I have some experience with carpentry and construction but to not great degrees… I studied architecture and interior design.. so building is something I want to build experience in… and I’m hoping this could allow opportunities… but when I was laying the floor I felt this pressure of getting the thing done in two hours… i felt tension in team members and I found it very challenging to be satisfied with my results… I was distracted with all the factors… and I’m not satisfied with the quality I settled with… but this is a skill I can foresee to build if I was able to be a part of this community for a year… but again skewing the schedule a bit… two hours of construction and woodworking isn’t much time for me to process and create comfortableness. Yeah… that’s something I noticed in the temple when it came to duties of labor… she had a long list of items on the labor list but it wasn’t available for everyone to know what was on the list. I’m not sure why but I could see having a vision of where the community is going is something I’d find valuable and motivating to contribute to that vision. But she also looked at her volunteers as laborers … I’m not saying she’s bad by any means… but she has a lot on her plate that she wants done and so she had a tendency to see laborers for items on her list. She wasn’t really getting to know the volunteers who came onto property… she didn’t really understand what value they have in this environment… she just knew they were there for a temporary period of time and then they’ll move on.. so she’s going to get as much labor as she can even if it’s half assed because at least it’s getting done even though we’ll have to rebuild shortly after… I started to see that if people had specific skills in building she would have projects for them to work on which again wasn’t on a list anyone knew about only herself… so I’d ask the volunteers who came to the temple by court for community hours to give if they have a skill relating to building and so she was able to get specific tasks done by specialized volunteers you know like electrical issues and such… again labor seems to be an easy qualifier of value of someone’s worth… but we all understand that life and communities are so much more nuanced than that. I’d like to look at the nuisance more in this community. I feel like I want to find a recruiting system in the pool of volunteers. I’d like to see what all websites that are out there for people prone to volunteer work… I know there were a few that I learned from the LDS which I browsed through… but I’d like to personally do some outreach to the local population too… geesh I’ve got so many ideas of how I would like to approach this community… but I literally don’t know who I’m working with at this moment. I just have a strong desire to get the chance to know him more. Let’s just stop right here and understand that I have not spoken to him about his visions and goals in a deep manner… I heard what people shared during the meetings but I want to read between the lines… they are so immersed in the community that sometimes it takes an outsider to observe something about the community that it cannot see for themselves… that applies to individuals as well… so thankful for the people I meet who are honest about what they see in me that I couldn’t see for myself.. it’s helpful. But I’m going to stop entertaining visions of what I’d like to help the property with until I actually get the quality time I need for understanding. I do like hearing what they’re sharing but we didn’t get to a point of steps to move forward… some questions seemed easy to answer… but again I like to work with subtleties and nuance… and observing and feeling out a community will give me far more understanding then listening to the words that were shared. And even though I love the people I met.. I also know there is so many lovely people I’ve met and have been building a relationship here in Indiana… again… maybe I’l be more patient to who I’m drawn and attracted to work with instead of just thinking about everyone and narrowing my focus to the ones who are magnetic and attractive. My communication with the Universe is expanding and I’ve realized an example of what that communication looks like with this hostel for example and it’s founder. I felt the draw and wanted to visit these events before i came here… so the lines of communication are open and there just expanding the ways of communication and I willing to expand my communication as well. Music is calling to me… nature is calling to me.. deep bonds are calling to me… transformation is calling to me… building is calling to me… safe space is calling to me… I feel like safe space is becoming more apparent and the different ways that can be applied to my life right now… in a physical manner… no matter how much I love and respect my father… his house is not a safe space to feel comfortable in. It’s again challenging to explain because he is a safe space… he’s been a safe space for me all my life and why we’ve become so close… but his actual home is not a safe space. It’s cluttered and dirty which is distracting and time consuming and tedious especially when I know the efforts and energy I place into it will only last a limited period of time since this isn’t a concern for him right now… but it’s been really challenging for me to cook and even clean myself while I’m here… there’s no running water… which again shouldn’t be that big of deal… this isn’t the only place I’ve stayed in that doesn’t have running water… but the care for cleanliness isn’t present right now… only in very specific areas… but I went eight months without a kitchen at the temple… when I spent two months with my buddy in Colorado we were having the best of time cooking together… how much i underestimated the value of having access to a kitchen will not be taken for granted… just like spending a year here with my pops with out a bathtub… I only took two to three showers when I was in Utah… I took baths.. I find it so beneficial and healing for my soul and so I didn’t want to take it for granted and when I knew I was coming back to Indiana… I knew I wasn’t going to have baths often and I also knew the condition of the kitchen I’d be working with… and I feel myself more resistant to stay in the place… I was able to create a degree of cleanliness when I was here last but it took over a year to accomplish this.. and when I returned.. it was back to where it was… i mean not exactly I see steps of improvements… but I just see so much energy to get it back to where I feel comfortable to be in this space. In fact maybe that’s what I’ll be doing today… just start cleaning again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be here and I cannot assume that I’ll attract somewhere different… so work with what I have and get it to a point where I’ll be able to maneuver easier. I seem to be working with my relationship with the cold a little more too… when I was in Colorado in the airstream I wasn’t as cold as one would assume… it took a little bit of adjustments but I found I was able to sleep and be comfortable in the cold… my dad is also concerned about me being cold because there’s no central heating but he has portable heaters and he keeps wanting me to use them and has given me a heated blanket… and i’m grateful for the concern and tools to keep warm.. but I also feel like the cold isn’t affecting me in the same manner. There time for adjustments and then I’m comfortable. I know I do appreciate him holding on to all of his clothes though…hehe… I’ve gotten rid of most of my belongings and I raided one of his closets to find some sweaters to wear since fall is ending shortly and winter will be upon us. I’ve got plenty to choose from… and I’m grateful… I do enjoy being with my pops… he said last year that he doesn’t want to spend the whole winter here at the house because it’s challenging and we aren’t really invited to the holidays with my brother and the grand kiddos… so it’s just not worth toughing it out the winter and wants to go to New Orleans to visit a cousin who recently moved there. He wants to go for the food…he loves to cook Cajun and wants to enjoy authentic Cajun… he asked me to go… but I said I’d go for the food but I don’t want to go to New Orleans.. I’d want to go to the bayou… in the boondocks… no man’s land… hehe… I can do both but I wouldn’t want to spend much time in the city… i know I’ll find enjoyment there… but I’d like to focus my time in the country… also I’m not certain I’m too thrilled to visit with the cousin… again something in small doses would be good but not a heaping helping…hehe… love her but energy is pretty intense… I know it will help me see where I’m at with dealing with this style of energy but I’ve already had that with someone who lives in my hometown… he’s got intense energy that’s also needy… and the result is I’ve told him to stop reaching out to me at this time… he’s going to have to wait until I reach out to him.. he’s repelling me with that type of energy… it’s really the neediness and desperation of attention… it’s not something I have the energy to share with this person. and subtlety and nuance just goes right over his head so I have to be straightforward and firm. He does the same thing to my childhood girl friend and that’s how he was introduced to him again he’s a neighbor of hers… but she hasn’t made it clear to him where her boundaries are and was complaining about the frequency of his communication and asked if I’m still dealing with it… and I was happy to say no I’m not dealing with it… I was clear in my communication for him to not reach out and I’ll reach out to him instead. I’ll probably go and play a round of disc golf one day with him… but not at this moment… however… hmmm… maybe that’s something I’d like to do right now and then come back to cleaning… yes… nature calls to me and I love the woods here where I play disc golf… yeah… that’s what I feel like doing right now. Ok.. cool… I think this was a good session again… until next time… enjoy