Rudolflores

Hello S. It seems to me that you hit the "nail on the head" when you initially outlined what the major contributing factors were to this state of numbness. Perhaps it would be as simple as a reallocation of the time you spend engaging in what you sited as issues for you. The more time spent on one activity will naturally decrease the amount of time available for others and therefore the feelings derived from one to the other will also shift. From the traditional standpoint that "Practice makes Perfect", whatever we practice, whether it's stereo-typically negative or positive (regardless of whether it is conscious or unconscious) we will eventually get "perfect" at it. But just because we get "perfect" at one mode of being doesn't mean that we can't become "perfect" at another way of being, even if it is in a way that appears to be an opposite mode. Perhaps consistently spending more time being "of service" in some way and less time on what you consider to be numbing activities will do the trick. Although potentially irritating and seemingly (especially in the "heavy" topic realm) counter intuitive, the answers to our problems are often way more simple than we think they should be. Rudolf

@Annie What I was suggesting (in the end) actually removes him (and any leftover ick) from any consideration completely. Perhaps I did a crappy job of relating the notion. If curious about where I first touched upon it.... Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl (holocaust survivor) will do a much better job than I.

Hello Annie. Perhaps the answer is rooted in the body of your original question. We have all heard that "resentment" etc are a poison to those of us who hold it and the science seems to support this notion. With regards to your "first time", in an act of love for yourself, perhaps you should forgive that asshole for his actions. Once again this is about you not about him, nor is it about you telling him personally that he is forgiven, who cares about him. And perhaps forgiveness of your young self and the releasing of any blame you may still have towards her could be the key as well. This is of course speculation and I don't know how it may relate to your specific situation but if this is an avenue as of yet unexplored by you, perhaps dig into it and see what it holds. Hopeful that's helpful.

The blanket answer would be that you dig on whatever brand of female because you do. It likely stems from an encounter in your formative years with either a notably "negative" example from your own race (and your attraction is based on rebellion) or a notably "positive" example from the other. Also, to be considered is whether it is "all around" attraction (which includes subconscious stereotypes towards either race) or if it's just attraction to physical appearance. You gotta ask yourself where it's rooted for you. Does your question stem from your perception of what "others" in your primary circle (or society) think about you and your choices or does it stem mostly from an internal struggle on the race topic? If the former, I'd suggest finding more open minded friends who couldn't give a shit what color of girl you show up with and making peace with yourself about it. Since the past is gone, you are free to create a new starting point for the reasons behind your attraction to "white" girls now. Whether based on a trigger from two minutes ago or twenty years ago, how you feel about it now is the only thing that matters. After years spent on similar origin questions, they have all fallen (for me) into the "Chicken or Egg" category, to which the answer is always the same.... It doesn't matter! Even if I found a satisfying answer, in the "big picture" those answers have not brought me any closer to resolution and (independent of any answer) the ultimate goal of being cool with where and who I am now, will still need to be contended with. Although the search and answers (when found) have borne some trivial and somewhat cathartic benefits, such (for me) has served only as diversion from my most important goals, a mere time-suck and stumbling block on the "path". Hopeful that was helpful.