ZenBlue

Day 91 40 minute meditation For my entire life, it has been a struggle for me to interact with people in group settings. I've always been good with one on one interactions in quiet areas, but dealing with multiple people has always been hard for me. I never could really put it into words. I couldn't explain any of it and didn't know how to communicate it. Since I started meditating I started to notice more things about myself, and I am able to put some of it into words. I've narrowed it down to some possibilities as to why I am the way that I am. Over time I will dive deeper into it and keep learning more about myself.

Days 89 and 90 40 minute mediations Wow, already at 90 days! Time really does fly by. Damn I can't believe I'm at 3 months already. I decided to bump up my meditation to 40 minutes. Right now, I seem to be working through a lot of my past events. A lot of thoughts about the past keep coming up and I'm just working through it. There are a lot of emotions coming up as I work through the past. I also recently remembered some memories I suppressed. I'm starting to gain a better understanding of myself. I'm developing awareness of my behaviors and how I am wired. I also have a lot of wounds that I just buried. I've been suffering on the inside for so long I didn't realize it. I've been struggling with so many things. There are things that everyone takes for granted because it comes naturally to them, but it is a complete struggle for me. I suffered in silence my entire life and carried the entire burden by myself. I never could talk to my parents because they are emotionally unavailable. Also they are very critical, judgmental, and harsh so I also never felt safe opening up to them either. I also push people away and keep them at a distance. I never really developed strong close bonds with any of my friends. I have good friends, but I'm not as close with them as I would like to be. I'm not that close to any of my family members either. Also, I could never really put all these things into words. I'm starting to learn how to communicate these feelings better and to express myself a little better. Before I just had overwhelming feelings of frustration because I could never explain it. I just thought there must be something wrong with me and just left it at that. I can't wait to see where this meditation journey takes me. So far it has been great, and has opened my mind just a tiny bit. I know I still have a lot of work cut out in front of me.

Day 88 35 minute meditation I'm almost at the 100 day mark. I don't feel any drastic changes in me, it's all very subtle. It would be easy to miss these changes, but because of my sensitive nature, I can pick up on a lot of the subtle changes. I feel like I'm heading in a good direction.

@Evilwave Heddy - Nope haven't seen that movie, but I'll check it out Day 87 35 minute meditation Mainly feeling tired today. 35 minutes still feels quite long. It's a very peaceful time period though, and when I am done with the meditation I feel so much more at ease. I'm going to keep pushing the time up little by little, and hopefully I can continue to make progress on improving with meditation.

@Lorcan Thanks Lorcan, you're young, but you seem to be pretty insightful about meditation and awareness. For me it's harder to be around noisy areas because I'm sensitive by nature so my physical senses are really strong. I can't tune out noise so it would be difficult for me to become relaxed and meditative public areas. I think having some of these thoughts are good for me right now because I am working through them and connecting the dots in my life as I work through these thoughts. Great explanation on awareness! What you said about it makes a lot of sense to me. Can't wait to hit 40 minutes then! Days 84, 85, 86 35 minute meditations For the past 3 days I've only gotten 4 - 5 hours of sleep each night so I'm pretty tired today. I've always had a hunch that life was all connected somehow. I'm starting realize more and more just how connected we all are. Like there is some sort of invisible thread that links us all together. I've observed this in my personal life because everything happens all in clusters. There's either a wave of multiple activities all happening at once, or it just stops all at once as well. Life can be so strange and mysterious. Someone once told me that truth is stranger than fiction. Now I wish I knew more about what he meant, but I also get a sense of what he was talking about. Life can be quite bizarre sometimes.

Day 83 35 minute meditation The past few days I have been feeling a little more energetic, and I have less chaos in my head. My life has calmed down a bit, but I don't know how long it will stay this way. Usually my calm periods don't last, and at some point something happens that causes my life to become hectic, and stressful. Maybe I subconsciously get bored of the tranquility and create my own chaos time and time again. I do tend to get bored very easily, and I still don't know what triggers it. I'm starting to understand myself a lot more now. I'm developing a better sense of the human body I am in, and what makes it tick. I still have no damn clue about who "I" am though. If I'm not this human body, and I'm not my thoughts, then what am I? I'm still very perplexed by this question.

Day 82 35 minute meditation I find that it's hard to maintain awareness through out the day. I might only be able to do it for a few minutes at a time. Most of the time I am lost in my head with all kinds of content. I can feel some small results of meditation so far, and I feel that I will improve greatly over time.

Day 81 35 minute meditation I just need to take it all day by day. I'm working on my business start-up, and I'm not even close to where I thought I would be by now. A lot of things have slowed me down along the way, but I am pushing through to keeping up with it. This time I am committing 100% of myself to it. I have to apply the patience ointment daily so that I can soothe that itch.

@Darius Lt Thank you Darius, sorry I missed your post earlier. I'm glad this journal inspired you, I didn't expect anyone to be inspired by it, but that's great news! Since you mentioned about me being critical, I realized I'm actually very critical of myself in every single thing I do. I didn't even realize I was being that critical with my meditations until you pointed it out. I guess being critical of myself is what helps push me to do more and more. I realize now I need a better balance, and take it a little easier on myself from time to time. Yes, meditation is definitely a long process, so I just need to take it day by day, because it all adds up over time. Thanks for reading! Day 80 35 minute meditation I just watched Leo's video on patience. Now I'm beginning to realize just how impatient I've been my entire life. I've abandoned so many projects because the results weren't coming in fast enough. I need to have more patience because this whole process takes time.

Days 78 and 79 35 minute meditation I'm starting become more aware of how fucked up I really am. I'm noticing all the ways I hurt myself, and unintentionally hurt other people with my behaviors. I don't know why I do the things I do, but I will work on increasing awareness in my life so that my behaviors can be corrected over time.

Day 77 35 minute meditation I have been getting very side-tracked lately. I have started multiple projects even though none of them are at the level I want them to be. I realized I am creating a lot of chaos in my life by leaving so many open projects to deal with. I end up setting a lot of good projects aside when something else catches my attention. That's always been a problem of mine, and it is something I want to correct. I will use the power of awareness to correct this bad habit.

@Extreme Z7 Thanks, I'll keep that in mind and work on noticing the experience Day 76 35 minute meditation Recently I have been reflecting a lot about my past. During meditation, I am able to make connections and have developed a lot of awareness over my past and how it connects to where I am now. I am noticing how messed up my mind really is and how I've been acting my entire life. It is really eye opening and I am getting a better sense of my behaviors and how that affects me and the people around me. It's incredible how much I've missed even though it was all in front of me the whole time.

Days 74 and 75 35 minute meditation sessions I decided to try just repeating "What is awareness?" in my head over and over again. I'm going to keep doing that during every meditation session until I hit the 100 day mark. After that then maybe I will have a better sense of awareness.

@Zane Yes, almost there! Time flies by way too fast. Days 72 and 73 Just went up to 35 minute sessions. I decided to add 5 minutes to my meditation time. Gradually, 30 minutes started to feel easier so now I want to push it up little by little. I'm still really bad at meditating. I'm trying to focus on my awareness, but I can only do it for a few seconds. Most of the time my mind goes all over the place, and I start thinking about so many things.

Days 70, and 71 30 minute meditation sessions. Now I'm starting to gain a lot of appreciation for meditation. I'm so glad and grateful that I stumbled onto Leo's videos and joined this community. After I get home from work, I'm usually feeling exhausted and don't feel like meditating. I do it anyways because I don't want to break this commitment. Afterwards, I am so glad I did it because it relieves some of my stress.

Days 68, and 69 30 minute meditation sessions I feel like meditation has been helping to keep me grounded during hectic times. I get stressed and overwhelmed easily. I've noticed that I've been able to maintain a sense of calmness even during stressful times. I can't keep it up all the time, but I do see a noticeable difference from how I used to be I'm glad I started meditating and I am going to continue on this path.

Days 65, 66, and 67 Still on it for 30 minute sessions I watched Leos latest video on meditation for beginners. Hearing him say that it's the single most important thing for my personal development helped me realize I'm on the right path. I have decided to commit 100% to meditating every single day for the rest of my life. I'm glad I started doing it and I've done it every single day for over 2 months now. I'm having an easier time staying grounded. I still suck at meditating, but I'm sure if I stick with it for over a year I will improve a lot.

I just started the watching the awareness meditation. I started out from do nothing, then transitioned to letting go of my thoughts, and now just started watching awareness. I still don't really know what it means to watch my awareness, and if I'm even doing it right. I'm going to focus more on the question: what is awareness? during the session.

Days 63 and 64 Meditated for 30 minutes I don't really know what it means to put awareness on awareness. That's what I'm supposed to be doing in this stage, but I don't know what that would feel like. During meditation, I have many periods where I reflect on how I used to be and look at the events that happened in the past. This period of introspection helps me to connect the dots, and helps me to see patterns about my behavior I hadn't noticed before. For example, I get overwhelmed and frustrated easily. I start to withdraw from people when I feel trapped, powerless, and boxed in. Overall, I'm starting to become aware of a lot of my behaviors, and I can't figure out why I do the things I do. It really does feel out of my control. I used to think people had free will. After watching Leo's video about no free will, I have been thinking about that a lot. Now I'm starting to consider that maybe we really do have no free will. It's not an easy thing to accept, and I haven't fully accepted it yet, but I'm working on it.

Days 59, 60, 61, and 62 Still meditating for 30 minutes each session. Wow, I didn't realize I haven't posted here in 4 days. I finally got my issue mostly resolved. I'm hoping that it's a done deal and that other things related to this won't pop up in the future. My life is in a current stage of constant ups and downs. I would like life to be mundane and less chaotic for just a few months, but it seems like I won't be able to have that anytime soon. It's ironic that I have to put in a lot of work and deal with craziness for a while in order to get the free, peaceful, and mundane life I desire. I wish it was as simple as just packing up my things and getting away, but like Leo says in one of his videos, the life left behind will eventually catch up to you. So, I just need to face up to these challenges and learn how to deal with them as quickly as I can and to make sure the problem is resolved and not just bandaged up. I would like to be able to quit my job permanently in 3 months. Nothing ever really goes as planned though, so who knows where I'll be by then. I also just realized it is time for me to move on to the advanced stage of meditation. I haven't been doing good with letting my thoughts go, but since it has been 30 days in the 2nd stage, I feel that I should move on to the 3rd stage for now, and re-visit other stages as needed. In the 3rd stage I will be focusing on awareness. I will also be asking myself this question: What is awareness?

@Zane That's awesome. Sounds like you are doing great on your journey. Yes I believe being in the creator mindset is a good place to be at. I also strongly value freedom. That is what I'm striving for. Day 57 and 58 Meditated for 30 minutes Despite the current chaos in my life I am still keeping up with my daily meditation. I'm not doing well with letting go of my thoughts. I feel that I'm starting to get a little better with self-discipline and developing a stronger will power. I'm far from perfect and I do mess up a lot in my daily life. I'm still trying to organize my life and get a handle on the day to day things. I'm sure over time I will be able to clear these issues hanging over my head and set my life on the right track.

Days 54, 55, and 56 I am still meditating for 30 minutes. It feels like every time I start to make some progress I run into some major issue that sets me back a lot. I am dealing with some personal things that just happened today, and if I can't fix it then it will be a very big hit for me money-wise. Other than that life is good. Somehow I will get through this as just another part of life. Sometimes I do feel a lot calmer, but I still have so many thoughts in my head and it's still very hard for me to direct my attention onto something for long periods of time.

Day 53 Had a 30 minute meditation session. I wonder if meditation has profound effects that I'm not aware of yet. It seems that all the "chi" masters practice meditation. Now I wonder what would happen if I meditated every single day for 20 years? I want to make meditating my lifelong daily practice. I will commit to meditating every single day for the rest of my life. When the 100 days is up I will still meditate whether I notice any benefits or not.

@Zane Thanks! Yea I can't believe I'm already half-way there. All I did was take it day by day and it all added up. I'd say the challenges are that some days I still don't feel like doing it. It's not an automatic habit for me yet. I still have moments where I really want to do something else instead. Sometimes I'm in a really bad mood. Then it would be very difficult to meditate. I just do it anyways even though I'm still in a bad mood during the meditation. It has been very challenging to let my thoughts go. Most of the time I can't do it. If I'm lucky maybe I can let my thoughts go for 2 - 3 minutes. As for the joys, I think it has made me a bit calmer inside. Sometimes I get a better sense of myself and my life. I have brief moments of clarity, but those moments shut down quickly. I think by continuing meditation for a while, I will start to see everything more clearly and I will be able to then know exactly what needs to be done. I'm going to continue meditating with the faith that at some point, it will give me the clarity that I need. Day 51 and 52 Had a 30 minute mediation session. Letting go of my thoughts is still a big challenge. I have learned that letting go of my thoughts is a practice that I can apply to my everyday life. I can use it to let go of the past, let go of anything I perceive as wrong, let go of any idea that does not empower me. At some point I will be able to let go of all the arbitrary rules set by society and free myself from all the things that have been weighing me down. I yearn for freedom, as much as I yearn for the truth, as much as I yearn to breathe.

Day 50 Had a 30 minute meditation session. I noticed today that I used to have a very easy life. I was just coasting through life until about 4 years ago. That's when things started to get hard and when I started to struggle. I have become a stronger person because of my struggles, but I'm not quite out of it yet. I still have a lot of work ahead of me. I'm going to keep on my meditation path because I feel that it could guide me in the right direction.