Sabth

What if it's something you didn't want ? But you get it? bad luck? Why luck? Whether it's good or bad, luck is no good. People are laughing at me for being weak. Sleeping.

3:48AM I shouldn't be focusing on things that are, things that are actually pulling me away. I should be focusing on what I am supposed to do. But, I saw in my dream that they are throwing me away. Like showing me the traces. Acting as if we're going somewhere. Packing my things. There are a whole lot of things going on. When I'm facing the mirror. In this room. Etc. when I'm facing x. My father etc. one time there are many, so many pigeons wanting to get into the house. And im looking for somewhere to s. But there are many people that I can't do it comfortably. And yk, someone was showing me something. Actually, if an apocalypse were to happen, idk. My focus now are totally ruined. I don't wanna be stuck in that. They are going really backward. Feeling like vomiting. Seeing the face of someone I'm never supposed to see . Vs eating that yesterday. Whatever made me do. Just kill me. Is it still . There is really like the dark side. When I went into my room, it felt like heaven. But idk. I'm worried about my father. Should I worried about my father or should I worried about myself? Or is it just me? . Now between me is two men , when before this it was two one of the same woman. And I should stop at myself. I am not meant to meet the other extreme I wrote these yesterday. Idk why the mod wouldn't let me edit my topic. I went through a whole lot of crashes. Something that are in my mind right now : heart mind and soul 2. Heart. By t. It feels like something is pouring on me from above in my mind forcefully like rape and I lose myself.

It's been 6 days since I'm here and I only went out on the first and second day. I am so tired of being at home that my body hurts. I wanna explore this city. But we're a little distant. From the city area. I'm so sick of being inside. Usually I would go to a lot of places on my own. I am so excited to be here. There's no way I could walk from here to the city center.

It's the whole reddit account went to the dark side. Underworld.

Yesterday, I made a very short lived reddit account. I have done like a few things in it. Like creating a private community on it. I only write a few things. And I sleep for a while. And when I woke up, it's all gone. So I deleted everything that was left on it. Like I may have made like a three post only. Did they have the ability to deleted my content as they wishes? It seems douchy to me. Why good things couldn't exist. Or maybe , when I woke up, I deleted one thing (latest), and the second post existed. And the first post or everything else vanished.

I hadn't verified my account that's why.

Somehow my feeling was, I write this yesterday and I had like the most intense feelings ever. I don't think there is any cure for this to those around me. Whose faith and feelings had been upon me. Idk. Even though I know exactly how I feel i kill the light. Love can be transported and the carrier of that love

Okay to suicide? Are we killing ourself? // There are traces of my s still but there are no traces of me. Is this dangerous ? Or is this not dangerous? I have one old enrich number which, the two last digit of it is equal to my now phone number. But , I have forgotten my email password for this since last year. And today without thinking much about it , I created a new one. I have been holding it on because I don't wanna create a new one. Usually, even though I have forgotten my email I can still use my enrich to book flights because my mom would do it for me. She only needs my number so I don't have have my own apps/account. So I would still use that old number to travel. But now, I did things by myself. Even though I've been withholding myself today I didn't think about it and made it. So today I got a new number which is , not equal to my now phone number even though this card had been made 2decade ago? Idk. My latest phone number is just from last year. And it had the same last digit as this old enrich number. Am I dying? It is so depressing looking at this. That was me who did that.

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I thought in my dream ; The battle is not over yet. And I saw people in my dream would want to be in the position I'm in. On reddit. When something doesn't feels right it's only because it ain't over yet.

I'm no longer going to use it if its going to be like this.

It even changes the day I made the account which is yesterday 17th Nov. To some July. Why?

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I don't wanna get into others mind which I already did and it ruined me. Too bad. I don't like being full. I don't like being skimpy & hungry either Everything just doesn't feels right. 9:30 . I feel like I want to vomit.

Someone wants me to forget my past

I really don't like to be forced. Or pressured.

What did I see? In my dream?.... If possible I don't wanna sleep. I fear.

Yk, when my grandparents are alive, we are moving very slow. And they teach me a lot. But when I have nephew /nieces we aren't like that.. and they are very destructive. Maybe we shouldn't have left our past to be alive. Maybe, if we had a lot more family, this will do. Like when I'm gone, there's more people or new generations that's doing what I do back then. It doesn't have to be blood related. Could be adoption . But the cycle must flow. Idk. Like I wish, Right now , when I think of a place that I went to with my grandma, I feel like I no longer wanna go there. Because with my grandmother's death, it would be the death of that place. I can't go there without her. It feels weird to be there without her. And I wanna keep moving forward. Exploring new places without her. Idk. Like looking back, it will make me sad. But she also appears a lot in my dream. Idk. The last time I went is more than a decade ago. While others have done it a lot. Idk. And it seems like they are very shallow. And things like people in my fam no longer practicing the religion. There is an evil force going around. Like a patriarchal force? Which didn't exist before. It's when you let some run rampant . I want my mom's kinda feminist back. It would be better if people mind their own business and are separated. Not marrying each other even between women . Like it was very damaging. And they kill everyone. Is it communism? We're better off not knowing each other. I need to show what my previous world were like. (It's not even a huge world but I already felt like dying. Maybe because they killed me ) Like stealing my things. Otherwise I would have all of the traces of the past... // Am I ruining you for saying this? If it was something that I said when I'm not dead it's fine. Because it is something that I believe and have strong standings on it. Not now. Anything I said now is just weak /deadly.

Year 3024 I barely think I'll be alive now.

Flashing before memories . .. I know with whom I liked most.

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It turns out red though.

Sometimes i doubt it other times i was very sure of it. I just dont wanna lose the quality of my natural hair. Idk if it were to grow back would it still be the same?

@Yimpa I did. And I burn my cheek a little.

@Sandhu I’m not working. I am also not married. My siblings who had gotten married should also live in their own houses because they have created their own fam. I dont mind brother’s fam though. And i told my mom that she didnt know how to take care of the house because when im not home my things are stolen.