Sabth

Next week and for the rest of May I will be in a different state.. today, I've ordered something online. And hopefully it will arrive next week I wanna go to Taeyeon's concert. Maybe not.

I dreamed today that there is one being who are most precious.

For me, I think, a big family and a worthwhile circle. Does this count?

Rescue me

. There's nothings much really in my state/city. 7:09PM 051923

Sometimes I wish, I would just died away. This is not at all the case when I was younger. To be burnt into nothing is a scary thought. It's not even an option that I believed in. We had very rich hope into the afterlife. I remember thinking we would turnt into nothing is the scariest thing ever. And that I hated it. I don't wanna be nothing. Or black. Or nothing. Be losing consciousness forever. It was a scary thought and I hated it. We had a very expensive afterlife. We belief in many things. This is ,as default. It never been not./other. Since forever. So I really despise what I had turned into. I remember thinking that I turned into nothing, it was just an unacceptable thing. The worst thing that could ever happened. But was undeniable. I had to accept my fate. Because somehow, I had falled into it. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if I spent my time with same fellow thinkers.. I don't wanna turned into nothing.. at this point, I had almost forget what it was like.. where's my people? You cannot fake a thought. Now I really wish to restore my faith. The thing is easy. You won't meet bad people if you yourself is good.. you won't meet bad people. 4:33am 19th May 23

Precious Taeyeon

This is a fear that I had. I find it hard transitioning from childhood to the middle aged people . Now that my grandma has died away. (I used to remember all the memories/childhood memories) and as granddaughter and our relationship since back then. Now there is a transferring of roles. Or transitioning. My mom is becoming a grandma and my grandma has died away. *It's true that plants can make it feels like they're still alive.* I find it very hard to be the middle aged people. Now. To no longer had a grandma or grandpa. And soon aunties and uncles. Too..

.

Today, I'm gloomy. For not living an active life. Surrendering to my fate. Getting a shot. Idk how to make my life worth living anymore.

I have studied five years plus in a university Not doing anything particular in 3.5years +- Thinking of working full time but has anxiety regarding this.

2:19pm Been fasting for a day and I'm hungry... 5:08 I wish for a beautiful world...

Because death is spiritual. And when I see like new generations , it feels like life is meaningless. Because it's back to zero. There are full of people who are unknowing. Focus on the now.

Just bought myself a fruit. I don't know ,when, it will recede... Reminds me of this fever ~ Na. Nvm> 9:08PM Drinking lemon water? 10:24PM This is a song from back then, a long time ago. 10:48 Suddenly got this notification ;

7:14PM Thu, May 11th Before the nights end, (This last night I feel good about my life but suddenly it turns bad). .. I'm gonna be very disappointed if I couldn't go to this concert. ,8:45pm I'm already tired now. 6:10pm I had turned sick and I don't know what to do. 6:15pm how do I change my life for the better?

They are not your people. You shouldn't be bothered. Be too good/good enough that the two won't even meet. And will gravitate to each or the best. Be too good and unbothered. It shouldn't even met. Be too good into your path that you won't even know the other exist. If this happened, both would be in the ultimate heaven. And nothing should be public. Public or fame shouldn't exist. Everything should be private and by levels. Each are enclosed and doesn't meet. This shall be good and unbothered. If everyone followed the rules. And the rules shall be made known. Hmm.. and idk anymore. upon contact. 133 I didn't know, or I was taken aback that lived in my community a thief. I'm truly taken a back. I didn't know. That such thing or such level exists. So when you're a thief, you're* not a believer. *definitely. It was totally different than my up bringing. And what I assumed I was surrounded with. So ... (Yeah~>>>) So I was alone, I had all the good thing alone, . I truly didn't grow up with them. (I had a university. And a set of group of people I'm surrounded with, or come into contact with, that they are not with. ) And so, we definitely hv a gap. And the book that I read. Or the experiences that I experienced. /I've had. And, especially my mind. All the moral conduct that I've learned throughout childhood.. we definitely grow up different. 143 For me to lose my things. Maybe I /truly did/ belong to the middle east. (Morally.) Mentally. (My mind) as I followed the scripture. And they don't. Although we all started off muslims the same. Maybe they're not. I had been alone all these while. Unbelievable. So when I go unconscious, they stole my things. For the first time in my life, I was made unconscious. Losing consciousness. And was trapped for over a month. And lost all of my childhood belongings. /Life's belongings. (I'm 26yo) when tht happened. My life's worth. However small my life is. (It's not. I'm old.) I'm thinking of filling my life again when you're twenty x , but you can't, when your initial / your foundation had been cut. My life, a lot of it was lost. I don't know their motif. As it was very personal and like my blueprint. (I wouldn't like something that's too personal from others and wouldn't even want it if it wasn't from me. So it strikes me why even anyone would want it when it was my personal very personal belongings. So idk their motives. Would they want to burn it? Because why would anyone want something that smells like me? That's a possibility I had in mind. Maybe it no longer existed. I didn't even catered it for others or anyone. So idk why anyone would want to take it away from me. (I used to have it all locked in a case but has lowered my guard as I was older. And never would have thought I'd leave it/my home. Unattended.) Unguarded. Without me. They did not have an artwork that they've made since childhood. They did not have a diary. They are not an artist. They are not a writer. (Lame writer) Consistent writer like me. But they are my family. I also think it was sold as a possibility. But they doesn't seem to like that kinda thing. I don't know. I know nothing. It has also been a long time (since). (At first, I truly think it was sold at a few thousandths). Because why would anyone took it? But to make me lose my worth. I also hv a few things like memories. My contacts.. before this, everything was within my (approach) reach. It's up to me whether I want it, or not. It's up to me. Everything, are, within my Mind. (Reach). I could totally do as I wishes. 224 https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co4PNySAiP3/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY= Maybe it has been thrown away 2.Is me. (Something that is me) I guess it was something that they've been waiting for long. // 1:33 17/3/2023 my mom is accusing me of something I didn't. Wow it's been a long time. 10:26am 12 May. I want to put this topic ; Innocent people dying for Jesus.

I looked at it wrongly. I thought it was usd but turns out to be hkd. 1680 usd and 1680 hkd is a lot of different . I thought it was more expensive than I thought. But it's reasonable.. I may wanna go to hk.

I think I am no longer a listener..when I used to be a keen listener when I was younger. But now I could no longer do it. I think. Or I need to sort things out. Rando My mom always threatened to go far away or leave us when i was younger. /// I couldn't listen well I'm not well ..

I got way too many dreams.... Somehow.... There was the hospital , mango beetles , (small) cats and dogs all over the floor, and there was someone who wants to rape me but couldn't. Someone who's much bigger than me. And there are people from another world. Airplane.. etc. There was a big university houses(apartment/condominium) like a few of it, and a creepy lift (because it went to the lowest ground* and it was a university/hospital. Then I went up to the highest level which is the hospital. *Going to the lowest level that you're not supposed to. Then there are some Chinese people and the mango and the animals thing. I dream of someone again we had a fight. 5:47AM 9/5/23 I'll be content with just this. For now. Ice. I love ice. 5:17 PM I wish I'd really be going to X with my mom. 8:02PM idk why is it not everlasting.. It is meant to last forever.. 8:09PM Where is my diaries? 2:37AM 11th May , I dreamt of my brother and some home. It was quite a nostalgic dream. With people of the past. Make up? Or a mask, facial mask.. and about carrying something heavy. Like a plant ? or a bottled water (the dreamed transitions so smoothly) at first, it was at a restaurant which was my room/my home I wanna take some water that was then, full of ants. (Just a little in the scoop). So it transitions to a girl or an old aunt with a bottle water. And a tourist, or a traveller came and drink it.. the home was such a different version of this home... Anyway, such a weird dream. I wonder why I was still haunted by the past. . There was also my hostel room from back then. Then , the facial mask. And the people of the past.. 2:47AM may 11th.

I am a little disappointed with life now. I don't get to move a lot and currently "trapped".

Idk how to look for work in my own country. 9:15PM 8/5/23 I'm so tired of design work I want something like math.

1:54PM

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I used to /like my writings a lot. Now no longer. 2:22AM I just got a dream. I dream a lot these days. But today's... (/This night's dream.. ) somehow.. people whom are in my past.. they're all in it.. and I was angry. Because I lost my hair tie. 3:11AMp New Insight. make up can be just for fun. It's not necessarily to cover up your insecurity /your face. In fact, the nicer your face is, the better. So it's good to wear it when you're young. Better than when you're old. I always thought make up can ruined your face, but it can actually be done just for fun.

I used to be very proud of my writing. Now no longer. 2:22AM I just got a dream. I dream a lot these days. But today's... (/This night's dream.. ) somehow.. people whom are in my past.. they're all in it.. and I was angry.