Sabth

11:11

In a book that I recently read, it is recommended that you've spent 1/3 of your income on perfume

I just don't hv anyone to bring me to jog everyday (the outside weather seems nice now. ) 4:47PM . How am I gonna start over my life? Let's say, I live for 80/70 years I'm now in my twenty 27 without any higher education or work. I'm just living with my family. Am I at a bad point in life? Everything are rightly so. I think it's good to die young. Old age seems like a hard work.. 3:55PM We're planning a trip to somewhere in 19days. Idk how to feel as I prefer to be here. I may be here because I'm bored. 10 June 2023 1:57PM Tayyon? : My mom's reaction >< (when she reads it). I really dream a lot today and yesterday, swimming pool, video editing (aerial view), kids little kids, small birds that was still in it's eggs.. it was so weird.. but the pool scene was nice . I was editing some vids.. there are many people.

A month or so ago, someone was throwing a fireball in my yard. I thought it was something from the sky and got excited. But it was from a spear. With fire. Caught on cctv seen by my brother.

I don't know why I put this yesterday.

I wanna be a scientist. I'm into science. But get into arts.

Now writing this reminds me of an old time dream..

I should get back to the old wise me. I am constantly feeling dirty to myself idk what to do. Like feel dirty. A dirty feeling. It was very uncomfortable. And idk how to get myself cleaned again. Going to a waterfall? Who knows maybe it will do. But this constant feeling is just hard to erase. No matter how clean/good my room smell I still feel dirty. Idk where it comes from. But this feeling is constant. Idk what to do with it. I've tried, maybe it was the food that I eat. Or idk.. it's a feeling. It's not physical. It's hard to explain. But the feelings comes out physically. Idk why. Maybe it was the people I've spent my time with. Idk. I wonder if I changed my lifestyle 180° would it be different/beneficial? Idk. Given that my eyesight are no longer that good, idk what to do with my life. Maybe it is part of being old. This dirtiness feeling. Because I'm getting older. And I'm no longer as baby as I am. Usually am . I've lost my innocence/baby nature. Idk. I remained in that state for quite a long time.. until I'm twenty two? Idk. But I remained adolescent for long. Longer than what adults do. Then I was abused much then I'm no longer innocent . With a lot of traces of this "abuse". I've been painted that. Written. So yeah.. I'm no longer pure. And I've closed my mind to a lot of things. Otherwise I'm receptive. Very open and receptive. Now I've closed my mind to a lot of things. And no longer learn. I've been painted ugly. I think so. I wish I would never had to go through that. What if it never happened?.. what if I'm enclosed and keep close to "my" circles? And never have met the outside world? I wonder. But I'm spoilt. So now idk what to do with my life. I wish to be cleaned is not really the right word. I wish to be.... Idk. Idk how to make myself feel like ... Idk but I want to loose this feeling that I've felt now. However that is. I'm considering to move out to a different place. But still, I wonder. If it's still would make it different. Or worse? Who knows? Idk.. I think it had to do with my eyes. You could say I want to feel fresh. Like you're in paradise (forests) or something. Without this straining or blurry. Just a perfect ,or relaxing eyesight, even if I don't wanna wear a spectacle, things would be pleasing to the eye. non straining..I wish it would be true.. maybe a change in lifestyle would make it. Wardrobe changes and changing how I live now. (I buy things through my mom now.. everything so I wish to change that. And be different.) 8:56PM 7June2023 I should get back to the old wise me. Idk what I want. Maybe the last thing I wanted was to go to a waterfall. Or a beach. But I no longer want it. It's been too long. Amazing life would be... North pole /south pole? (Living there) not that my place now isn't amazing but I think so. It would be great to explor3 those area. But to a kid like me?; From a green country that never had cold climate. I haven't explored my own country to its entirety. So nvmd those~

No~~

I'm gaining weight I guess? Not losing any. And I couldn't think of anything forward. (I'm still stuck like this) there's really nobody, no one to bring me to jog every morning, or buy me a treadmill, I really feel stuck.

I'm listening to this to sleep~ https://youtu.be/Df7mcTGUzF0 13:03

It's night now maybe I'd try doing something at night now when the road is empty. (But I'm still sleepy.) *Empty roads are eery. (But it reduce the chance for me getting into accidents .. ) It's not completely empty though... @integral there's no such thing (gym) in my place/near me. Gamification? I'll try going out every 7 in the morning. Which route should I go? It might be too far.. (I've thought about this before but with somebody else/not alone). Edit: I really don't feel like going out...

I can't get this off my mind

I think it might be because of this neighbourhood. Back then. If people want to walk they would go to the park. So when I walk, there was actually nobody doing it. So I look weird walking amongst houses. There was another time when I walk beside a main road. That too are weird but not too weird. (Because there are people selling stuff) But I don't like it too much. I used to walk during my project so this (back then) kinda reminds me of that, but it doesn't feel too much the same. To walk at home and/vs to walk at others neighbourhood/city. It's night now so tomorrow morning I may try . But then again, which road do I wanna walk through? It reminds me of back then when I do walk So maybe the right timing might felt different(?)

I'm still am having no progress. It's been one month since lol Not a single walk or run or a gym progress ~

I love cold showers but my cold now is not too cold. It used to be icy cold in the morning.

It was just travelling to the same place so . I wish to travel to a lot of different place. I wish for independence. To buy my own flight ticket . If only there was a record. Of all the flights I've taken.. it would be a lot. But there's no record..

If I were to count the amount of time I've been taking a flight it would really be countless. I'm losing my count now. It's countless. Throughout the years . I really don't wanna be travelling mindlessly. But now, (back then it was all a necessity) it was up to us. I don't have a set of semesters that I have to attend to . So back then I really did go back and forth a lot. But now it's up to us. Where you wanna go. Now this year I have travelled twice. Upcoming plan is one more and the concert, I think it would be another one more. Which makes it four times. Idk. It's all unnecessary. But anyway I think it will be it. Four times in a year? Idk .

I don't know what to do with my life now. Or how to make it right. Show me what I'm lacking.

I have lived for a lot of years. You could say , back then , I am more suited to marriage than I am now. Because I wasn't disconnected from family life. Like little child etc. More suited than I am now. I've been focusing much on my work (studies) that I am now disconnected. So let's make a recap ; 1 2 3 4 Egypt 5 Egypt 6 Egypt 7 Egypt 8 Egypt 9 Egypt 10 Kuching 11 Kuching (I went to UK during this year) 12 Kuching UPSR-a national examination. 13 Kuching Secondary school 14 Kuching 15 Kuching 16 Kuching 17 Kuching 18 Kuching/IIUM 19 IIUM 20 IIUM 21 IIUM 22 IIUM 23 IIUM Casis etc (I should have spent more time in IIUM as I have a long way to go but I stop.) 24 Kuching 25 Kuching 26 Kuching /Mental hospital 27 Mental hospital Kuching 28 non existent year. It will be in 2024. I think I've reached my limit.

Day 2

Idk I'm really currently clueless.. as what to work. I needed to work. I needed to fill my time . With other. Outside. Idk. I miss someone rn. 4:51PM June 4,2023 I am here currently don't know what to do. Neither did I discuss anything with my parents on what to do. I am just here, not knowing what to do. . 8:31PM

No. My question to God: When will I die?