Sabth
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Everything posted by Sabth
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I think , your life would end when you kill yourself.
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I want to re create this Taeyeon's make up look ; https://www.instagram.com/p/CBzZukvhphJ/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
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Sabth replied to Buck Edwards's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Weird. I've met many spiritual gurus a long time ago. But didn't remember any of their wisdom if I hv to choose one. Hmm.. -
As a little kid I have already had a plan in my mind that I would want to store it in my own place. My goal was always to have a place of my own no matter how small, so that I could store all these things /collections. But guess that never happens. I have even think of what I'll do to it if I die. My diaries. There's a lot of it. I always love my collection. One time(when I was young), I dreamed that my older sister was destroying my collections. Open up the luggage that I kept all my things. My drawings. And it has always been my fear. But then I woke up. Feeling as real as it could get. It had always been my fear. But now, I haven't even died. My large collection of diaries had been discarded. It was even by the same type of notebook. (I buy the same thing everytime so I had a collection of the same type of book as my diaries. It was so good.)... My childhood dream was always to have my own studio apartment. Where I can store all these. Or an art studio. I love making arts. I want to live somewhere where it's address was unknown to anyone/my family. That's what I want as a child. But guess it didn't happen.. I went to a university. Never got a room of my own in my early years. But have viewed it as such . I do get into art degree. But it was .. it wasn't truly what I hv pictured of what I want. It was a short stay. Though there was a moment when I feel like I've accomplished my goal. But it wasn't really. It was not a permanent stay and there was other people. I do hv set my goal like any other people would when I was younger more . But never achieving it. Till I was old. I don't finish my degree and I feel like it was never the way to my original goal and wishes.. and I don't finish it. I want to have as little money that I get from my parents as possible so that I wouldn't hv to repay much (as little as possible) to my parents. That has always been my thought . But I never was independent from them. And throughout my degree they had been paying me (I don't take any scholarship.).
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As I'm thinking about my lost diaries, I'd really be wishing those who take it the lowest of all lows in this world. I remembered something from 9/10 years ago. It's something like a memories from then in a book form where I will write a free flow writings. It keeps on until 2016 even. I remembered my writings are just full circle as I allowed complete freedom in my writings and it was totally satisfying to read Especially after a long time when I've already forgotten it. I wish to keep it forever. But it was either (idk what happened to it. ) There was a lot of such diaries. I remembered those moments and I missed those moments and things I've written in those diaries. There was probably ,a lot of Godly things too when you allowed complete freedom /flow in your writings. A wholeness. I remembered when I read it again, and realized it was god. /Godly. As the younger me , are more conscious than the older me. So it was good to keep it all. They are the pattern 27th April 2023 10:51PM I Am Not At All Alright. Thinking back about what had happened.
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I got a few good topic dreams..
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Let me do something else. Backward. Like Instagram. 27- now I don't remember what I did last year or the year before. Just living life. I remember every Taeyeon releases. So there's that, that reminds me of what I do. Era. Quarantine era. This year I've been just doing nothing. Much. A few travel and that's it. Maybe just one drawing. But I get tired by the thoughts of it. So I don't do more. Only one. I've taken a fish as a pet and breed it. One of the things I did within the past years. And it did work out. So I've got a lot of baby fish. But then it all died. So there is that phase. I don't create any new video to it's completion either except some very few exceptions. Maybe four. But that too aren't good or the best. But I had that anyway. I had some business idea like creating my own brand but barely even started. And then after a long stop, my book where I keep all of my ideas and notes including the prices of things I bought got stolen. It was among the thing that went missing when I was taken away earlier this year or last year. So I no longer remember my notes. That will start up this "business" . Idea. My first ever. I wonder who do all these. What are their purpose or motive. Why they do it. Or for what. But I don't care. Ever since 2012 Ive always had a camera. With me. So when it was broken, I don't know what to do. It's an old camera. I've been using it for long. I don't have money to buy a new one. I haven't work. Haven't gotten into career or work. So I don't hv my own money. A lot. I have asked my parent to buy me one but they wouldn't. They don't hv money either. They've spent it all on my brother to buy him a car and a motorcycle. I think. But who cares I need to find my own money. I really wanna buy a new camera a new harddisk and a new laptop. A good one. But I may not know what to do with it. So , that's why I wanna get enrolled into a university (just like back then) so I had know of something to do with it. Just all over again. I guess. ? Anyone had a better idea on what I could use it for? . There's nothings much that I'm currently doing now. I may wanna go for a sewing course. So that I could make my own clothing line. (I always thought this idea is good) because I don't usually find the clothes that I like in store. Or that suits me. So might as well create my own. If I know the technique. (As a young girl, I have asked my mom to buy me a sewing machine but she wouldn't. It is one of the things that she wouldn't allow me to. So, yeah, till now I still hadn't got any skills. ) I bought my own stabilizer (glidecam) so that might be one thing that I'm good at (but my camera is broken now and it's been long since I haven't used it. ) So yeah~. ?????️??️?️?️?⚖️???️♣️???️?? How can I be something of value?
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I'm afraid that I am just wasting my time doing nothing. It felt weird not into anything. Or doing nothing. It just felt weird. To have nothing that I'm working into/towards. I feel like am I really free? Am I really available ? It has been a few times this year when I travelled. As if I hv no commitment or nothing to do. It just felt weird. And this weekend we will go to a beach.
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Thanks. I hv listen to it a long time ago. If I'm not mistaken. Maybe not fully .. Edit : I sleep off to the first video so much.
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If I was rich, I want to buy : A new PC (laptop!) A new camera. A new hard disk Clothes line up (a new one) changing my style maybe. To more comfort and ease. Attending a university (taking a degree of suitable courses) A travel to a waterfall (non-local) amboli ghat A travel to x (somewhere else) A travel to Egypt after I've settled down a lot of things. This is it. Maybe a safety gears. A house renovation maybe. Or buying a studio apartment somewhere. In the middle of the _ . (No. I don't wanna live in other places. Except for my degree.) Things that are most important : My eyes. Safety (to skate or walk). If I'm rich, I may want to renovate the house all over again (it had been destroyed. Since it had been destroyed.) And I want to do something for my x.
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A rant from yesterday.
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I don't really want independence from my parents. I said I could hv want to but I don't want to kill people or burn the house so they shouldn't put me in the hospital.
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What God already created are already perfect but they want to change my chemicals. Nobody wants to live being tied to the f hospital forever. And I certainly don't wanna live with this changes in my body.( I'm all natural ) . My mom accused me of mental illness and sent me to the hospital. It was actually my dad. And sent me by force. I've already hate my life now since I've been associated with the hospital. If I want to burn the house I could have already burnt the house if I want to kill people I could hv already killed people.
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Why mockery?
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Never break up.
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I think I want to have kids when I was younger not when I was older. Back then, I was more exposed and more suited to have kids than I am now. Even with school°ree. I think I should hv gotten one when it feels right. And you are more fearless when you are younger.
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I'm gonna hate my life forever.
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I already do and I fail. There's nothing I would do if I knew it could not fail. Because you couldn't know. You just started doing everything without failing in the picture. Whether it fail or not you wouldn't know... So there's nothing that comes to mind .
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Paliparidone. And today, they give me three months more. When I hv said that I wanna stop taking it.
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Idk when people my age are having children. Idk if I'm missing out. But I couldn't/ haven't even finish my degree so I couldn't step onto the next thing. I guess. It would be totally weird if I'm married without having completed a degree.. so idk.. But I'm not doing it either. So idk
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It's already out.
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I hv been disconnected with some of my friends now I miss them. (I hv completely forgotten them/her.) Only now, that I remember. I wonder how she's doing. Our contact are probably lost forever because my previous phone are stolen. And that was a phase when I'm with her/hv her. There are some more memories in it.
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Sabth replied to uriel's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
You are never alone. -
I wanna go to a beach, or a waterfall. Do I really wanna?