Sabth

Nothing can hides this.

It has already happened.. whether I have an infinite amount of life after in this life it has already happened..

Can I die peacefully? My physical being are already not good or in it's best condition. My things are stolen. All of the things that is of value. My little foundation certificate, my self painting everything that are a little part of me had been gotten rid of. I don't even know why they would. Or what their intention are. Why would anyone do that. And I will forever for the rest of my life be having to take that medication which is against my will. So I wanna end my life. I don't wanna have anything to do with that hospital for the rest of my life. Not be in contact with it. I can't imagine my life having to go to the hospital once a month for the rest of it. I'd rather kill myself. *If it was stolen, I still would think it's better as it still exist . But what if it was discarded? Or burnt? You'll never know. Why would anyone wanna do that?

I am so bored with life now.

I really don't know what to do with my /precious/ life.

Because I don't have work. I keep on feeling anxious and is in a state of anxiety. For now.

What if I'm ugly? Now I've become a little bit better in health. Just a little bit. And I had this thought. What if I'm ugly? I shall date someone who is good looking so that my child wouldn't be ugly. And there is the age factor. I may be ugly because of old age. So if a baby, anything baby would restore that beauty back again. In this case I shouldn't be worried. Cuz I can always bring someone who's young and pretty into this world. Even though I'm getting older. I can create beauty. If. I said if. How do you find a good match so that your child would be pretty? I got a feeling that if you date a younger guy your child would be pretty. Genetics. I'm sick now? . . . Know that I already had a nephew. What can I do to him and her. I'm feeling a lot better now. 5:47PM

I had fall sick for real. Couldn't eat. Constantly feel like I'm falling when I stand up. Black. Barely able to walk or stand up. And my anxiety is from this sickness and discomfort. Terrible vomiting. I can only lie down. When that too are giving me discomfort. Now I have slept well and idk what to do with my body. I couldn't eat or I will vomit. Is this caused by me having no work? And just stayed at home? I've had enough. I need to walk when I'm well . Obviously I couldn't when I'm sick. I'm fasting again btw. I never liked being heavy. gotta work on that later. And tomorrow I'm gonna have a two hours flight to somewhere. I don't know if I'm gonna be well.. (don't wanna go~)

I vomit. I'm fasting. Then eat coconut drink and mangoes. Then couldn't find the best way/position to sleep no matter what. Then wake up. Then vomit.

I'm feeling very terrible now. For unknown causes.

I may wanna try eating only fruits diet. (Suffering.)

In the Islamic belief, they said, tonight and this evening is a time when your prayers or wish will be true ,(be answered,) so it's recommended to make your prayer and your wish. It's been a long time since I've made a specific prayer or asked for anything. Prayer itself is something I don't truly believe in anymore. Like your prayer wouldn't be answered..so now, during this time it's a special time. I wonder what my wishes would be. I doubt it will become true either. But my prayer would be , - a secret prayer - a secret prayer. - I wanna go to mecca - I wanna work/ - study again That's all are my wishes. If I don't believe in hell & heaven I couldn't ask for that too..... *I've become a very logical person now..

I want a job that do well even if I get old... I wanna get up early in the morning and go to work. Preferably that had a lot of walk. Investigative work. Or like a social study. Studying a city. Just walk around. Like I always used to.

I am currently so bored with life.

Its 5:22AM now and I feel very fresh and in comfort. I feel gratitude towards life. Suddenly it's loud here. I just want to enjoy this silence. Maybe I'm a little late... I'm tired of having a casual encounters I want to have a forever lasting relationships. It waste my time..

This is for a guy version there is a women version but I buy this to see the difference between the two

Idk if it's boring or not. I think it is. But also finds it fascinating.

Looking at this, I've always wondered what I wanna do to my diaries when I've died away. Even as a child. Since back then, I've already wondered/think about it. As for fieries, you don't want anyone else to read it. It is just for you. And other things too. I keep my drawings and writings private. As private as they are. Only me, had read it. And it's a good memorable memory. The writings of the younger me. Or the child me. Seeing me growing up/changes. What I'm up to. It's good to look back. I love my diaries...

I'm currently buying this ;

I wish to go to the gym every Monday-friday for a month . And see what difference would that make. 1231 26th June 2023

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Haha Good to hear that.

I feel sorry to my teacher. For going to others who are not of my kind. I feel sorry to my teacher. I'm sorry teach. And the standard was different. We should never met. Or crossed path. I feel sorry to my teacher. I was introduced to this by my brother. And his circles are shady. As shady as these people I've met. I shall never leave my teacher. I shall never go to others. Now I feel bad. Somehow. 12:01PM 24/06/2023

Really? Perhaps, to get a child? Did he have a child? From that marriage?