Sabth

Whenever I meet the "doctors" (it changes everytime) we don't talk about anything. Much. It's hard to explain. They treat me as if I was a disabled person. The way they speak to me. So I don't wanna see them anymore. And none of them knows me more than I know myself. And to have them changes everytime is kinda hard. It's a new one everytime. And I really don't like the doc and the hospital. I wanna stop seeing them.

What I really want in life : a fit and toned body throughout my (twenties)thirties and even forties. As fit as Taeyeon. Or x. Completely toned. * I want abundance in money. That I can buy things I wanted. Without having to think of money ever again. This is the only thing I want. Physical fitness and money. To get there, I don't really know how. Since I hv no experience. I can't get back to becoming younger. I have no interest on having a b or a husband. Or a child. I am myself is a mess so I don't know. Probably want to get myself together first. But I don't know how. Since I'm not going anywhere. I think I may want to work first. Just whatever it is. As long as I had work to do. Whatever that is. How can I work if I don't have a degree? I only have my high school graduate. And haven't work since then. I want to work, now. That's what I want. *This. To do this, I don't even have the lifestyle to keep me low/maintained in weight. As I used to. So I'm thinking of having my lifestyle changed, altogether. Maybe attending a university, or a new work environment that will keep me fit. And healthy. (As for now, I only hv nothing to do. I woke up late after my morning prayer. Then gaining weight. I really do nothing. I used to be really disturbed by this but now I'm getting used to it. But I'm still bothered that there's nothing to do. ) I want just the right amount of healthy lifestyle. Maybe attending a university (art school?) can fix this. As I may have a fixed routine. I will hv nothing to do until I ages. Getting married wouldn't fixed this. It will only make things worse. I want either work or studies. Only then. My mom is fifty eight and my father is fifty nine. My mom got married when she's twenty seven and graduated must be earlier. I've noticed and realized that there's many people who got married earlier than twenty seven and that's considered late. If I had to re do my life I would hv gotten married earlier but now, since things had turn out the way it does, I won't get married still. Until I get myself together. But now nothing changes. I'm still stuck. At home. I want studies. That's it. I want to rest a bit more. And more. Things that are within my reach : (in terms of work) -model making -film making -video editing -and many more. If I had a camera I can do more. If. Idk what else are available. . 21 June 2023 1132AM - I want independence. To be able to drive. On my own. This might be a good start. Suddenly I remembered myself as a nineteen year old me. I was very shy. And feminine. (And socially awkward? No. But I was totally quiet with the opposite sex. Not making an eye contact.) I was the opposite of masculinity. And there was a guy who was totally masculine. And I liked him .back then. (I wish this dynamic still remained as they are till now. ) 06222023 1804 I certainly want to work. I got nothing to do. Maybe. Maybe. If I hv a camera and Can do some film, or a travel video. 7:54PM my life isn't going anywhere... . Only now I've found a time as you described. It's past 2AM now and the ac was off, so everything was real quiet. I eat two things from the fridge and now I'm in bed. With a little lighting. (Dim).. First thing that I think about, I miss someone. Someone from the past. That no longer exist. It's way too in the past. (Seven years ago?) But was precious to the younger me. Anyway it was in the past. I keep on hearing things in the house as it was real quiet. Water faucet. Etc. What I really want in life. Maybe some achievements. I have yet to get a university degree. And I think that's important. No matter how I age. It's still leave an empty spot in my growth/achievements. It feels like my high school achievements was for nothing. I have yet to use it for anything . (Apart from my previous u entrance.) I want a stronger leg (muscle). (I dreamt of falling whenever I try to pray and having no strength on my feet.) Such a funny thing cuz I think I've gotten fatter. But anyway I think I need to workout a lot. (I used to walk a lot..... ) I want... I've already got what I want. Peace. Like now. Except some discomfort for not working out, I like everything about myself. About my surrounding. 2:27AM Friday, July 14th 2023

You don't understand.

I really don't know any marketable skills or how to do that Or what area I'll be good at. I may wanna go work with airlines.. . . If I were just to stay at home.... 3:50PM Earlier this morning my father bought me breakfast and today, just now I saw that my father was mopping the whole house. It's like brand new again But my mom are still threatening me to put me in the hospital if I refuse to take the med. I did. And I will. Forever. This is my clutch. This is what I didn't like about this home.

I'm twenty-seven.

Nobody knows me more than I know myself. So there's nothing to it. It's a made up things. I don't have schizo. @LSD-Rumi I hv taken it for 7months and always got sick. I don't wanna take it anymore.

Yeay I don't get to take the med today^^ . I'm watching this killing voice. They are like angels..... I don't know all of their songs, but the ones that I know, it's really nostalgic. And this is the first time that I know who sings what. Such an amazing thing to know. The Eve is a song that I listen to on repeat once. 8:16 I actually had a lot of synchronicity with this song.

I may suffer a confinement like Said Nursi for the rest ofmy life. They're threatening me to do so if I refuse from taking the medicine. I don't care. I'd rather be alone somewhere than to be with my family.

Today is the appointment day, and I wanna skip it.

Four seasons This song came out when I was still in university .

This song made me cry.

27vs17 I feel terrible at 27. Seventeen, I hv no health problem. My eyes are good. I'm young. My life are set (in stone)for success.

It's been 17years since I came here and I hadn't had never work once in my life. So idk...

I still didn't know how to make money. There's still nothings much going on in my life. No growth. I went to a wedding and it shows of somebody else's growth. Maybe I should look for work when I came back home this time. I don't know how to survive at home.

Today, the programme had finished and tomorrow I will be going back home. It's a four day stay. What I learn from this trip... Nothings much. But I love going back here. Usually I'll be tired. But not this time. Only a little bit.

I try to imagine Jonghyun's voice with rescue me song. It must suit perfectly.

I want it too...

I hope in 2023 I will do well.

I can't wait to have my own children. Really?

Fourth time of the year. That I'm travelling. I wonder if I'm wasting my time mindlessly. Again. Just to the same place.

Kai is in the army.

I am trapped and have no freedom.

My life is weird. I really wanna re live my childhood back in x.