Sabth

I always hold back. There are many people that I miss..

Why hardware? Lol. Architecture..

Studio design even though I'm not good at it.

Maybe if I have a car I can look for work. The weather are nice today.

Making me feel like I wanna contact my high school friend..

Today I saw that all trees had bear fruits. If I were to go to Egypt ,I must cried a lot. And again , the threatening continue. As I escape from taking the med today.

I have an IQ of 140. Back then . During high school. Now idk. But I'm still not working now.. I have taken this test before. Measuring your openmindedness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness & neuroticism back in 2015. And the person who tested me says I'm different from the majority of the other students (in that uni) mostly they scored low in agreeableness and I scored high in it. I also scored relatively high in neuroticism. Extraversion vs introversion = 60/100 Agreeableness vs antagonism = 58/100 Conscientiousness vs lack of direction = 64/100 Neuroticism vs emotional stability = 65/100 Openness vs closedness to experience = 84/100 And there are several other tests.

Adventurous and dangerous. I saw a hiking video. And it seems very dangerous.

Twenty three years ago, my mom was 35 and she brings us all to Egypt. And we had a trip to all of Egypt. I wanna go back to Egypt.

I may want to live in my own place because there was a thief in the house. .

I'm seriously considering suicide now. My life had turns meaningless. My life had been put to a stop. I couldn't even have last december and have my last year of being twenty six. I couldn't experience Christmas last year and celebrate the new year like literally everyone else. My life was put to a stop. Without my will. I want to die peacefully. There's nothings much left in my life.

I have an old book, a really old book called, (I forgot it's name).

Because I'm bored I watch this a few days ago :

I regret not being successful in my education so I could at least help myself. And have a career and be safe. (But one of the reason I couldn't complete my education was because I couldn't drive. It's hard. Not having a car And not being able to drive while being at a university far away from home..)

If my parents die then I'd be really left with nothing. No one to drive me anywhere . I couldn't be doing anything. I was left with no skill. I couldn't drive. Or hv a work of my own Back then when I was younger my mom was scared of my independence. She's scared if I could drive. Or have work. It's one of her biggest fears. And shed rather had me not knowing a lot of things. She' likes me being independent on her. She feared me of driving way too fast when I'm not even such a person. So I never drive. When my older sister drive everywhere.. I'm the third daughter. When everyone else when they comes through the age they would have been independent. Could drive. And I couldn't. Why couldn't I be like everyone else? She would teache her other children driving but me. She would asked my dad. To teache me. And she would never.. And I'm not used to it. Even now. I don't like to be reached by my dad. Even now, as an older person. Now my brother who are seven years younger than me had already start to know how to drive. Around. And I still was learning. The old me. The old 27ywar old mw. I think I just need my own small car to practice. And then I will muster driving.

My plans : I wanna go to Egypt. Buy a camera. Trade my 4k PC for a laptop. Buy editing software. Then I'll be fine..

I dreamt of taking examination. All over again. And was studying last minute. I can still remember it. . I think, even if I can do simple work, I will be happy.

After they put me to the hospital (last december) dragging me my life is over. After about a month, when I came back home many of my things went missing. Including my phone.

I still think that it was a mistake that my parents doesn't send my brother to normal school

I need to be back. I want to be back.

I never wanna took one to begin with. They are forcing me. Now I have to go to the hospital every month forever. How can I stop this?

I don't hear voices. I am not paranoid. I am functional..

I may have one and I don't know if I would still like it. It might hv died out so idk. (Of course. Of course I would be happy. But not as if I was to do it sooner. When I was younger.)

The fourth doctor explained to me as if I didn't know about the medicine that I'm taking when I had been explained about it by the first doctor. It was even contradictory which makes me think that they didn't know what they're talking about. And the last doctor didn't know how long I've been taking it but is bluffing.

I'm not safe. How can I live on my own?/ Start living on my own?. Would it be better? After all?