Sabth

I regret eating. I am in so much pain and discomfort now. 7:26PM nov1 I can force myself to vomit now (I actually did)..... Oh my life is so terrible now. I need a digestion pill right now. To be hungry is better than to be full... 8:36PM - I'm glad that I wouldn't have to wait for tomorrow morning until my food is digested. I have already vomit a whole lot of it like a whole plastic bag. Hehe. I like it very much. What I did was , eating a spoonful of honey, lay on my bed, say hasbunallah wa nimal wakeel, listen to Taeyeon's song. U R. Then vomit like hell. It's so satisfying. But I feel like I got some more. Gotta drink some water. 8:43PM I can't believe that there was that much things in my stomach. No wonder I feel bad. It's way bigger than my fist. . This is the meaning of hasbunallah wa nimal wakeel : But what I did was listening to Taeyeon's song. And vomit all I might .

My hell right now is my tummy. My head. I feel like I want to vomit but didn't. I feel like I'm full but there's indigestion. It felt too much for my whole body. And I have little movement. That adds up to my discomfort. I feel like I want to start diet again. Eating as little as possible. It actually makes you feel better. To be hungry. To be not processing any food in your body. Maybe I'll eat just fruits from now on. I feel so bad right now. In so much discomfort. ><

I'm tired of just staying at home even my body hurts because there's little movement. It has been like this for long for years. And I'm still like this. I feel like my life is bad.

They said there isn't electricity in Egypt. Why couldn't they make their own electricity? For four hours a day.

Idk. I'm not even working right now.. I couldn't buy these expensive cameras. And I'm getting older now..

I just wish that I could go to EGYPT or NYC. And I need a lot of things. These are the examples of things I needed.

WEDNESDAY | 1 NOVEMBER 2023 Wow I can't believe that it's already 1 November . And out of all things I dreamed of my baby being pierced through on her lower lips two blocks. It was done by the hospital that put me into the mental hospital. The same hospital. But now they're doing it to my baby. And she's smiling and it seems like it doesn't hurt. But I remember feeling like now they're doing evil to my baby sister. It was just pure evil. Spoiling my baby sister. I just wish I would do really well this two months left for the year 2023.

I dream about my baby (from 2011) in a strange condition. Idk what this dreams implies..

I feel or hear breathes a lot when I was sleeping in a room alone when I was younger. What I did is always to go with where a lot of people are. Because it happens only when I'm alone. And the more I listen to it, the louder it became. I even had thought if it were my own breath, but it's not.

I had. I feel like I am the ground when I was sick once having a high fever. Then there is a recurrent feeling of what I would described as "not big and not small". It was kinda making me insane the more I get into it. So I never think deeper into it. But the feelings or it occurs frequently. But as I grow older, I no longer felt it. It disappear. Having a recurrent dream of hovering over the ground or flying ... It's a recurring dream. The theme that I had in my dream throughout teenagehood. But it also disappears as I became an adult. It was quite a frustrating dream because I couldn't move forward as fast as Id want to. I would hover around in my dreams a lot.

Now that you've said this, I wonder if such things can exist. Will I be happier? There is something like a language barrier. In the end, I would feel limited. And always be in control. I wonder if I can be happy. The other kind of happiness is when I meet people (a batch) who are my age. To make it right, they are my junior by one year in university , because I enroll with people who are one year older than me, but when I failed my core subject, I joined these junior batch who are one year below me. But we're same aged. And what I realized was, they reminds me of my cousin. So I treated them the way I treat my cousins. It felt like a playmate. And we do travels together to make out project. Every semesters. So it was double the fun. So I had these , like a reliving my childhood memories, with a different groups of people who are alike. So we click like that. This is the second time that I was repeating this pattern. But our relationship didn't last. Till we meet again. So I wonder if there are a group of people whom I can be like this again. It's precious. And it couldn't be just anybody. *I'm gonna show a little sneak peak of it a lil bit . But I'm gonna delete it soon * Nah. I'm gonna delete it.

The best kind of happiness that I had as a kid is going for a holiday or a vacation with my cousins and family, and just doing our own things, at hotels and resorts , and it was just a good company. And we're family. That's the best. But as we grew older, we seldom had these vacations anymore. And we grew apart. Idk if we can relive our childhood moment again. Or wether it will be the same. We have grown into adults. Just exploring hotels and pools , wake up in the middle of the night, with my sister and fam. Now they are having their own family. We're not exactly the same. Anymore but there are new generations emerging. I just like that adventure.

I actually haven't watch that video. I have only watch part two. Now I have watch it. No wonder it's new/never heard of before.

@Davino someone have recommended that video and I have watched it.

I used to be happy when I know only people of my own race. And people. (My own people). It felt like you're being sheltered. With adults. And many more. But the more integrated you are, the more it will be spoilt.

I'm feeling anxiety because I dont have a proper education.. even Leo completed his degree and work in his field for a few years. As everyone else should. My sister completed her masters.

I'm feeling so much anxiety right now. So much.

I'll put a picture of Teal Swan next to mine. And a mother of triplet because I want to have a baby in the future too💞

This is my song in 2020

How do I create a career for myself?

By the morning sunlight and the night when it falls still! Your Lord has not abandoned you, nor has He become hateful . And the next life is certainly far better for you than this one. And your Lord will give so much to you that you will be pleased. Did He not find you as an orphan then sheltered you? Did He not find you unguided then guided you? And did He not find you needy then satisfied your needs? So do not oppress the orphan, nor repulse the beggar. And proclaim the blessings of your Lord.

Indeed, We have granted you abundant goodness. So pray and sacrifice to your Lord. Only the one who hates you is truly cut off.

*will update* The Most Compassionate taught the Quran, created humanity, ˹and˺ taught them speech. The sun and the moon ˹travel˺ with precision. The stars and the trees bow down ˹in submission˺. As for the sky, He raised it ˹high˺, and set the balance ˹of justice˺ so that you do not defraud the scales. Weigh with justice, and do not give short measure. He laid out the earth for all beings. In it are fruit, palm trees with date stalks, and grain with husks, and aromatic plants. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you ˹humans and jinn˺ both deny? He created humankind from ˹sounding˺ clay like pottery, and created jinn from a ˹smokeless˺ flame of fire. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? ˹He is˺ Lord of the two easts and the two wests. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? He merges the two bodies of ˹fresh and salt˺ water, yet between them is a barrier they never cross. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Out of both ˹waters˺ come forth pearls and coral. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? To Him belong the ships with raised sails, sailing through the seas like mountains. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Every being on earth is bound to perish. Only your Lord Himself,1 full of Majesty and Honour, will remain ˹forever˺. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? All those in the heavens and the earth are dependent on Him. Day in and day out He has something to bring about. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? We will soon attend to you ˹for judgment˺, O two multitudes ˹of jinn and humans˺! Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? O assembly of jinn and humans! If you can penetrate beyond the realms of the heavens and the earth, then do so. ˹But˺ you cannot do that without ˹Our˺ authority. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Flames of fire and ˹molten˺ copper will be sent against you, and you will not be able to defend one another. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? ˹How horrible will it be˺ when the heavens will split apart, becoming rose-red like ˹burnt˺ oil! Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? On that Day there will be no need for any human or jinn to be asked about their sins. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? The wicked will be recognized by their appearance, then will be seized by ˹their˺ forelocks and feet. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? ˹They will be told,˺ “This is the Hell which the wicked denied.” They will alternate between its flames and scalding water. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? And whoever is in awe of standing before their Lord will have two Gardens. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? ˹Both will be˺ with lush branches. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In each ˹Garden˺ will be two flowing springs. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In each will be two types of every fruit. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Those ˹believers˺ will recline on furnishings lined with rich brocade. And the fruit of both Gardens will hang within reach. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In both ˹Gardens˺ will be maidens of modest gaze, who no human or jinn has ever touched before. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Those ˹maidens˺ will be ˹as elegant˺ as rubies and coral. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Is there any reward for goodness except goodness? Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? And below these two ˹Gardens˺ will be two others. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Both will be dark green. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In each will be two gushing springs. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In both will be fruit, palm trees, and pomegranates. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? In all Gardens will be noble, pleasant mates. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? ˹They will be˺ maidens with gorgeous eyes, reserved in pavilions. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? No human or jinn has ever touched these ˹maidens˺ before. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? All ˹believers˺ will be reclining on green cushions and splendid carpets. Then which of your Lord’s favours will you both deny? Blessed is the Name of your Lord, full of Majesty and Honour.

No. I regret saying it. Never in my whole life. Not worth it. Never. ♣️