Sabth

I'm not doing anything but I've lost 5.5kg. I neither felt any reduction of fat or something.

I really think that my life is nothing. So I wanna take a university course again. No matter how I age. Or I just wasn't doing anything with my life. Like right now, I'm struggling everyday with nothingness. With nothing to do. I woke up. And wonder what I'll do. Killing time. I'm really am doing nothing. I wish I would have a really productive day. And feel really sleepy at night. While now I'm always wide awake. Not really sleepy either.

I really want to be somewhere other than my country this year-end.

2020

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. You're all i want and all I worship and adore. In other words please be true. In other words baby kiss me.

Am I missing out on my life then? My social life is almost non existent. (Since I'm not working or going to a university) and my finance too . I'm not making any money. And I'm in my late twenty. I had little travel if any. Because I don't have money .

Interpret my dream 3:29AM I dream that beside my house, on the outside, there are many snakes. (3maybe). And I was going out with my 5year-old nephew to give the cat some extra leftover chicken. And my nephew just relax ly hold the snakes and move it away. Like holding it from it's back. Then throw it away or it gets away from him. Throwing it far from me. During this time, my sister and I went outside too. Then when he was about to open the gate/or the small net door to the right side of the house, (the cat house was outside just beside the house), there is this really big alligator/crocodile, just staying beside the door and was like just getting in the way, but my nephew just push the door open (it's quite hard because the crocodile is just there) and I was screaming at him to be fast and careful not to be bitten or eaten. I was really scared for his small body, fearing that it would be snapped by the large crocodile. But he was brave. He's not afraid of the crocodile. It was fast. He give the cat the leftover chicken and quickly return. It was a close call. I was really afraid that he would be eaten by the crocodile. But everything was safe and he came back. And I felt relieved. Then we came back to the front of the house (the patio) and I saw more cats (like 3 more cages on top of each other) and this time, I felt like a little pity. Anyway, then I woke up. Before that, when I went out , I saw my brother in law going out of the house to the right side of the house. Then my sister was out too. Before that, when I was inside the house, I was eating for a sahur. (Probably to fast?) Because my mom told me not to eat anymore because the call to prayer can already be heard seconds later after she told me to stop eating. So I spit out my food and have some leftovers. Before that, there is this one packaging of meal and there was two really big chicken so I took one and left the other. I divided the meal into two and eat the other half. Then my brother came (&woke up) and take the other half. What I noticed about him was that, he became less intelligent in that dream. Idk why. This is the brother that I met very rarely because he's been studying in a university away from the family. So I've seen him ever so rarely. In this dream, my nephew are so brave and I feel like he is so ever brave while we adult/or old people are so careful. It felt like he's growing up to be a hero. So fresh and will grow up to take care of his mom and aunt. The way that he showed no fears moving those animals out of the way, I saw his bravery. Anyway, what would this dream means? I feel like it's such a bad dream,, but when I look up online, it says that it is a good dream. But these animals? It feels more like a bad dream . I used to dream (next to this house/next to our house when we were young, when there no nephew yet) I used to dream, a moon falling next to house. And my dream used to be about the moon and other pretty things. Sometimes, it's lions went into my house. And at that time, I saw someone's Instagram, Master Corbuzier and Dean xxxxx who are well known of their interactions with lions. Master Corbuzier , an Indonesian magic, was just like a family of lions, it was their spirit animal. That's what I feel. The aura that I got from them. And I dream of all these wild lions in my house. This was around 2022?2021? Idk. 2020? It's around those time.

...

I feel afraid to move to a different city or country for work. Wouldn't I miss my country? And idk how I can even live on my own.

I only have 15.6 USD other spendings, all are paid by my mother and father. I had a little gold and silver. And monies from other currencies. And there are some money in that trading company, which are on hold. Because I don't have any more money. That's all I got. I can't wait for the day I make my own money. And to see this $15.6 grow. So that I could pay that trading company and get my money which are on hold out of that company and never come back. I just want to get my money back. If it s successful, I'm gonna try for the second and that's only it. By doing that, I can get a little over $43k. That's all I need.

I'm still not fully healed now but way better ❤️‍🩹 First things I'll do tomorrow morning, is going to buy some fruits. Then I'll buy some workout clothes. Then I'll start walking in this neighbourhood. Perhaps that will make things better. But this area is dangerous. It's not all good. My neighbour's garage was bombed at night. So we still hv crime going on. I hope this nescafe will make me feel better ...

I regret eating. I am in so much pain and discomfort now. 7:26PM nov1 I can force myself to vomit now (I actually did)..... Oh my life is so terrible now. I need a digestion pill right now. To be hungry is better than to be full... 8:36PM - I'm glad that I wouldn't have to wait for tomorrow morning until my food is digested. I have already vomit a whole lot of it like a whole plastic bag. Hehe. I like it very much. What I did was , eating a spoonful of honey, lay on my bed, say hasbunallah wa nimal wakeel, listen to Taeyeon's song. U R. Then vomit like hell. It's so satisfying. But I feel like I got some more. Gotta drink some water. 8:43PM I can't believe that there was that much things in my stomach. No wonder I feel bad. It's way bigger than my fist. . This is the meaning of hasbunallah wa nimal wakeel : But what I did was listening to Taeyeon's song. And vomit all I might .

My hell right now is my tummy. My head. I feel like I want to vomit but didn't. I feel like I'm full but there's indigestion. It felt too much for my whole body. And I have little movement. That adds up to my discomfort. I feel like I want to start diet again. Eating as little as possible. It actually makes you feel better. To be hungry. To be not processing any food in your body. Maybe I'll eat just fruits from now on. I feel so bad right now. In so much discomfort. ><

I'm tired of just staying at home even my body hurts because there's little movement. It has been like this for long for years. And I'm still like this. I feel like my life is bad.

They said there isn't electricity in Egypt. Why couldn't they make their own electricity? For four hours a day.

Idk. I'm not even working right now.. I couldn't buy these expensive cameras. And I'm getting older now..

I just wish that I could go to EGYPT or NYC. And I need a lot of things. These are the examples of things I needed.

WEDNESDAY | 1 NOVEMBER 2023 Wow I can't believe that it's already 1 November . And out of all things I dreamed of my baby being pierced through on her lower lips two blocks. It was done by the hospital that put me into the mental hospital. The same hospital. But now they're doing it to my baby. And she's smiling and it seems like it doesn't hurt. But I remember feeling like now they're doing evil to my baby sister. It was just pure evil. Spoiling my baby sister. I just wish I would do really well this two months left for the year 2023.

I dream about my baby (from 2011) in a strange condition. Idk what this dreams implies..

I feel or hear breathes a lot when I was sleeping in a room alone when I was younger. What I did is always to go with where a lot of people are. Because it happens only when I'm alone. And the more I listen to it, the louder it became. I even had thought if it were my own breath, but it's not.

I had. I feel like I am the ground when I was sick once having a high fever. Then there is a recurrent feeling of what I would described as "not big and not small". It was kinda making me insane the more I get into it. So I never think deeper into it. But the feelings or it occurs frequently. But as I grow older, I no longer felt it. It disappear. Having a recurrent dream of hovering over the ground or flying ... It's a recurring dream. The theme that I had in my dream throughout teenagehood. But it also disappears as I became an adult. It was quite a frustrating dream because I couldn't move forward as fast as Id want to. I would hover around in my dreams a lot.

Now that you've said this, I wonder if such things can exist. Will I be happier? There is something like a language barrier. In the end, I would feel limited. And always be in control. I wonder if I can be happy. The other kind of happiness is when I meet people (a batch) who are my age. To make it right, they are my junior by one year in university , because I enroll with people who are one year older than me, but when I failed my core subject, I joined these junior batch who are one year below me. But we're same aged. And what I realized was, they reminds me of my cousin. So I treated them the way I treat my cousins. It felt like a playmate. And we do travels together to make out project. Every semesters. So it was double the fun. So I had these , like a reliving my childhood memories, with a different groups of people who are alike. So we click like that. This is the second time that I was repeating this pattern. But our relationship didn't last. Till we meet again. So I wonder if there are a group of people whom I can be like this again. It's precious. And it couldn't be just anybody. *I'm gonna show a little sneak peak of it a lil bit . But I'm gonna delete it soon * Nah. I'm gonna delete it.