Sabth

I wanna hike Mount Kinabalu : But I don't know with whom I should go with. Someone trustable. It's a hike. And I'm gonna buy a camera and a drone. Only then my hike would be worth it.

I hate my life more and more😤

What do I want to achieve , in January 2024? A few days left. Only a few days left. 27 sat 28 sun 29 mon 30 tue 31. Wed What can I do in these five days?

Mr Beast is giving away $250000 to ten people and out of the millions of people participating on X, I am not one of the ten people . While I didn't expect for me to get it, but knowing that I'm not one of the ten people just make me feel like I am unlucky. It can't be me. I am just the millions of other people. And those who got chosen must be the lucky ones.

I was visited by a very beautiful girl in my dream. Before that, there was many animals coming to my house eating. In my kitchen area and living room. Animals of various types like a guest. One of it was a parrot. It was quite big but not too big. At first the parrot was white, then its body changes colours to hot pink. It has a female partner outside the house so the parrot came in pair. But the male are bigger than the female. I was amazed by this dream when I woke up. It was from a few days ago. I think the parrot becomes the girl that appeared in my dream. I wonder what my dream means.

My life is miserable.

It is just cruel not to teach me driving. My mom sleep every morning. Being the healthy young me I would have to follow her routine. Fuck. I've ruined my life. I no longer had a great body. I'm ruined. I don't wanna be like her. Fat.

If I could be relocated, to a place where there is a park next to it, I would be the happiest person alive . This is the goal. No. I'm not gonna walk on the road near this neighbourhood. It is just dead. I won't. I have been like this since 2007. I don't know . I am trapped. In those houses. We don't have a place to play. It's too public. Everyone has a car.

GOD created gender.

Might as well taking care of a baby.

Idk , is cat dangerous? I want to care for it but it had claws..

I dream that I was going to Egypt. And was trying to find a survenior but couldnt find any.

Idk... Have I like ruined something?

@Raze thank you

I love writing before. And it's a free flow. My handwritings are really good. Really precious. These are the things that I've write in my high school only : Now I don't write much any longer because the pen that I like are no longer good or it's scarce (I haven't bought a good new one for quite a while) and the diaries notebook that I like had been discontinued. It's from 2012. So now I have several notebook that are not of the same sizes or type. And I've stop writing all together last year. Though I wrote a lot while I was in the hospital with anything I got (not the pen that I like) because I'm afraid if I'd lose my memory. So I write everything. All my thoughts. Because my thoughts are the continuation of what was before it. I'm afraid that I might lose my synchronicity which I did. but I write anyway. Then I no longer have anything to write.

- A degree. - Be sponsored to travel. - Buying me a camera. - And a 33k $ . That will make me happy ~ nothing more~~~

8:17

I hope those people will regret taking my things....

I'm living fine , just by myself back then. 2022. I was 26. I'm really living just fine. With all my things together with me. My room are precious. No one has been inside it. Because during COVID, we have all agreed to live inside a separate room for all. So I was living alone in my room. They all had their own room. I'm thinking of installing a padlock to my room but couldn't. Couldn't do it. And I never left my room for , quite a while. I didn't went to other states except a few. Because back then, you need to be vaccinated to do anything. Pretty much anything . And I have no one to bring me vaccinated. My mom told me that it's bad and that I shouldn't get one and wouldn't bring me vaccinated but she did herself once because she wants to travel. So I was the only one who wasn't vaccinated. She demonize vaccination but she do it. I didn't. I couldn't go to the vaccination place by myself. And there's no one to bring me. So I ended up not getting one. I remember back then that if you're not vaccinated you couldn't do anything. Everything requires you to be vaccinated. Even going to shop and etc. everything. I don't know what changes them. Into making it okay to do all those without vaccination. I hate it somehow. What makes it change? Suddenly. I hated it so much. Because there is no consistencies. Suddenly you can travel. You can do everything. When before that you wouldn't allow me. There are so many things ugly things that happened before. My sister got married in a different state without me. And then she lives with us despite being married. (I viewed this as really bad). And I don't like her husband. Somehow. I want her to marry another person. But nvm. It's all in the past. She chose him so let that be it. I don't like them because they live with us. Back then. I was so pure that I don't like a stranger to live in our house. The dynamic changes. And I don't have much memories about this . They don't tell me about her pregnancies and childbirth. I don't have any memories of it. I don't know. I just feel like it is non existent. I made a barrier with a really big shelves for privacy in the family area. That divides the space giving us "some" privacy. I remembered doing that. The whole room/house had been destroyed . The way that I face the kiblah during the prayer had also become the bathroom. I was surrounded by bathrooms in all directions. Even the house next to me was renovated and destroyed. I like it when it was the house of personal people like a guy with a gym. But then during COVID it has been changed into an orphanage. I don't know. I really didn't like it. They made an ugly zinc roof that suddenly everyone is using. Including my house. It's so ugly and I don't know what to do. And I hated it because back then, it felt like they are taking my energy, my soul and my innocence in order to create their child. That's why they're living with us. To take my purity. Somehow, I hated it so much. I think they should live in their own house after getting married. But after (?) After the kid was born only then they move out. It was so toxic. (But I don't remember the kid being born). I have no memories of it. They didn't tell me? Idk . But sometime last year (in 2022) they move to a different state. The marriage that is done without me. Everything are just ugly. This thing. I don't know. But now I would have cared less. I would still like treat the baby like nothing was wrong. I don't know why they do what they do . Like not getting married here. Well you could say that it was without my will. Or my blessings. I don't tell them that I don't like him. But I don't. I'm just quiet about it. As you wishes. But I don't like him. But I won't stop them either. Because they will get what they deserve. Consequences. Whatever. As you wishes. I just don't wanna have anything to do with them. Is it my fault that I didn't tell her how I feel? But I won't. Till whenever. So everything was by her own will. Who took my things? I will curse them for life. For life. Curse be upon them.

This is one of my diary that was stolen. I buy it in a museum. I wrote a lot in it. I can't believe that we still got this footage of this book. It was so precious. I took this picture somewhere in 2022 The only reason that we still had all these is because my desktop was not able to be stolen. So everything's in it remains. Only what's in it. Not even my phone survived. It was stolen. I think people are jealous of me. That's why they took my diaries. Look at this pretty diary, there's so many love stories in it from 2016...

I have a footage for when I was 12 & 11 but those are really old. I have lost my 18th 19th 20s and a lot more up until 2018. My first camera is cybershot and Motorola handphone. I like those footage but not as much as the more recent ones that I've lost.

Everyday I woke up , my body hurts. I've been staying inside home for long. I only went to the park twice this year. I couldn't drive and there's nobody to teach me driving. I feel the worst. I was left at home doing nothing. There is nobody taking care of me. Everytime I woke up my body hurts. For the little movement that I make. I am twenty seven but is doing nothing. With my life. I don't go out. I don't do anything. I am trapped. I don't have a safe neighbourhood. I don't have a friend or a family member that cared for my health or growth or wellness.. I feel my body hurts. And deteriorate. I want to live an active life. I want to do a lot. I want to exercise and work out. I feel like I am better dead than alive if I'm just doing nothing. I don't wanna grow old like this. Living this life.

Even if I buy a new one , it will be a new fish. Not this one. It won't be the same.

Look at this fish's face : Poor him. I wish there is an afterlife. So we could all meet again. To all the fishes that have died. But this one in particular. So we could talk.

My fish has died. I felt a little guilty because I don't give it food. The other two that I gave are still alive. The food had finished and I just thought it will continue to live. Now when I woke up it is no longer alive. I wonder how long it could go without food... Two days max. I hate my nephew much more after all these while. If they didn't exist none of this will happen. They like to come into my room and create small troubles which resulted in death of my pets. They spill the water. Spill the fish food many times. And now... I was left without fish food. And... My parents are just not here. It's troublesome. He has a fish food and he isn't always home (my nephew) and I'm just too tired to "ask" for fish food. And later, my fish goes a few days without food. And it has died. Before this, a male fish died because he plays with it. So that's it. I wish... ((I don't know... )) If the fish could talk and have a soul it would have already yearned for me to give it food and change it's water. But it died. For nothing. Like a life without value. Will I be responsible for this? Nothing will happen. Because it is just a fish. I wish there is an after life. These fish needed justice. But what can it do? It is just a fish. If I decided not to give it food it will die pathetically. Like a small fish. I still want to buy a new one. Again and again. I can't fail it this time. And no more I won't let any of those shitty kids in my room . I hate them now.