Sabth

It is wrong. Actually disgusting. Even if it's not wrong it would be disgusting to date your brother. Cousins? I don't know.

No. It's because I'm no longer a student. If I keep being a student I will still get allowances.

There is only one way to be wealthy that is to work. Your parents money wouldn't last you forever. Why you're still poor right now? You'll need to get a paycheck at the end of every month only then you'll be rich. Now I remember my grandma's siblings had money running for them at an old age because they have a land (that is utilized). But you need to have work. I can't have everything that I wanted and my mom can't have everything that she's ever wanted. (Or else she would have travelled to x every year). But my grandparents could.

I am currently 27. How can I start getting the education that I needed and the works that I'm supposed to do while I'm single and not married and having no kids? What should I do? I used to be better in school than my bro. But now he has a house, he had completed his degree and he's getting married, could drive in all the countries (international driver) and had works. All the while being one year younger than me. And I think my parents didn't invest in me. I am currently doing nothing. Forever. I'm 27. I want to have a normal life like any other persons. What should I do? And my cousins who are younger than me are getting married. I feel bad about it. Like I'm not growing. While everyone else had progress. Had get their life together. Buying a new car etc. while I'm doing nothing. I don't wanna be like my mom. And I want to take the benefit of not having a child to care for , that I could work. But I'm not working. I feel bad about my life. Is it too late to get my life together at 27? How can I start? I never work. I couldn't buy a lot of things that I wanted and needed. And I'm tired of not being able to buy the things I wanted. Even though my youth is fleeting. /flying by. I never learned how to work or have a job.

Things that was in my past.

I was trying to install a lock to my bedroom door in December 2021 but a year later December(24th) 2022 The things that I feared most happened. And a lot of things in my room was lost/missing. I hadn't put a lock* to my room. But I hadn't left it either. *Because you need a hammer or a drill and I don't have a hammer at that time. It was just tedious. To do this padlock but it is necessary. I left my things all over the room. This was my room during those time.

I won't wear this cloth anymore.

The clothes that I wear last December that has blood on it : Because they put a needle on my hand. And they tied me to the bed. I wasn't aggressive or even do anything. But I managed to free myself that night. And I pull out the needle from my hand. And the blood spurs out. And stained my clothes. I haven't wear it since. My mom has wash it.

Actually killing myself is better now rather than forcing myself to live in a world where I've lost everything. Everything that are meaningful to me had been taken away from me. There's nothing in this world that I love left and nothing that I can create that I will love any longer. There's nothing. All of my collectibles and memories and treasures had been destroyed. My youth. My everything. There's nothing not a single word in this world that I love left. Everything are irrelevant. Everything are meh. I'm just cruising in life. I don't love life. My precious memories and footage had been lost [digital] and my camera's broken and my physical diaries since I childhood through early adulthood had been stolen or destroyed. My phone my contact my artworks since I was a child. Everything. Everything that I love. My achievement. My certificate. It all had been destroyed. I don't feel any appeal to living anymore. My life is useless. It's pointless. I don't wanna live anymore. I'm too old to create great arts now. My eyes are no longer good. I create masterpieces when I was young.

20211227

I curse the people who have taken my diaries. And my academic transcript. And my drawings. And my books. And my phone. And my gold.

12.12.23 Have I lost a lot in my life?

Is my family rich or poor? When I was enrolled in a university my family sponsored my fees fully I don't need to have debt or scholarship but when I was out of university they don't give me as much money as when I was in a university. In fact it's almost to nothing. Besides basic needs. They no longer give me allowance. BUT, the thing is I didn't finish my school. So I no longer get a lot of flowing money from my parents. Now that I stay with them, I no longer had any money.

1:23AM I dreamed that I was in a slum. And there was a kid , disfigured, who want to shot me with a needle , an injection, and I was on a pulley going downhill. We were really close. These kids are crazy. I would have looked at people who are cacat lowly. It's like a world of hell. But I was from a highland. High mountain? I don't know. But going down, we go through this pulley. I was from high up. This thing fit only one person per cable. And I'm going down. Then I see my younger cousins wanna shot my sister too. And I freaked out. Telling her that he wanna shot her with an injection. It was really scary. What's up with all these slum?

I hate myself for a reason when I wrote this. Because I am not being myself. So I hate it. But now things hàs got a little better.

You need to learn from your parents how they make money and be like them. Why can't I be richer than the past generations?

My grandparents are wealthy but my parents arent. So yeah. You would have to get your own place in the world. My grandmother have houses that she bought using her own money but now.. my mom aren't wealthy. Though she could spent her life not working but she aren't rich. And I don't make money now as an adult. My step grandma can travel every year until when she's really old but my parents couldn't. They all have worked and have a career but my mom didn't. And I'm fucked up. I know this is just my only problem. But I'm bad. At least my mom has graduated and has done the pilgrimage but I hadn't.

I eat a Thai dish when I went to x last week and it was so tasty. Now I feel like I want to ask my mom to cook it. I think it's Khao mok.

I'm bored. 6:06PM

Or, I wanna take a degree in filmmaking. But I don't know any scholarship for such degree

Or should I go to a non local university? So that I could at least experienced other country and other weathers/climate? My life could be focused on creating a cute babies hh..

Which one is better?

If I take a Bachelor of x at xUniversity x next year January for foundation I'll be 28years old Foundation 28years old |1 year| 2024 Bachelor Degree 29years old - 31years old |3 years| 2025-2027 Do you think it's worth it? $33k per year annually. And I will be old once I graduated. With a degree in Design. Do you think this degree is good? And worth it? I'm thinking of spending my four another year of my life. I will be an old woman. Is that better that I will be a 31year old with a design degree in S rather than a mother (of a few childrens) and wife? I'm imagining the 31 year old me. I'd rather have a lot of experiences within these four years doing whatever I want and be free, instead of being tied to a four year courses (university degree). Would that be better?

I feel like I want to go to a local university in my state. Right now it's evening and it's dark. It's about to rain. And I feel like I am doing nothing. I might as well fill my time with pursuing a degree. Am I not going to do anything forever? Today I haven't done anything. I slept until 12:00PM. Or maybe later. Then woke up. Then pray at 3PM and now it's 4:47PM. I still had nothing to do. I feel tired of my life. I am the only one at home with my parents.

I don't graduate at a university at 23 back then. . I saw someone an influencer post a pic yesterday a local influencer. A pic which said , "I used to eat whatever was put on my plate and wear whatever clothes that my mom could afford, and my mom says, if you want to eat whatever you want and wear whatever clothes you want wait until you have worked (/having your own job) /"I grow up eating whatever was put on my plate and wearing clothes that my mom could afford" After their mom had said that, she said now I can wear whatever I want and eat whatever I want. And I thought to myself, I never reached that stage... I never worked and haven't worked.. I still was dependent on my mom.. while my mom would give what I want, it's not everything that I've ever wanted. Am I doomed for life? For not having work? I still am dependent on my mother. Am I really bad? . Oh, I thought it was in my language but it's English. Lame , so lame. And this girl said she's already achieved that. While I am so far from being working. /Having a work. "If you want to eat other things, wear different thing, wait until you're working later" - mom.