Sabth

I wanna master socially , and educationally. Then financially. There is no way escaping it.

I don't have training. I can't just work any job. FIRST , what job is suitable for me? I'm not a man, and I may not be charismatic. I need to know what job I would be fitted to do.. I was training to be an architect before, but I didn't complete it. So,

If there is no afterlife then this life is the greatest thing that could ever happened to you. So you should live your best life. You should live this life the fullest because it is all there is. Before you died.

I am so bored with life right now. I think it was my house which are the problem. I think I need a new house. And a new comfortable bed. I can't with what's mine now. Where do I wanna live? I think Kuala Lumpur would be fine. With a lot of activities. I think if I could find somewhere to skate (a lot /everyday) that would be even better. But how. Where do I start ? Kyaa I can't wait for a new life. Then when I have become bored I can move out all back to my home . But idk.

I always sleep better somewhere else than at home..

If only I was rich. I want to shop a lot.

I have finally arrived at my destination. Can't believe that I've endured it. 12 hours journey. Now I'm finally here in a homestay somewhere. I went out of the house exactly 12 hours ago.

I wish I can learn from people who have their life together.

I feel really weird right now. I want freedom. Today I feel really weird. I used to be so different. I know and I hope so. But you don't know me. The place that I'm living in. I feel really weird right now. I haven't been out for long. And now I'm travelling. I don't know. Seeing other people well put together. I feel like I wanna be free. I don't have a normal life. I want to be normal. I want to be free. That's all I'm thinking. I want to be able to wear comfortably. As I wishes. Like back then, I was so free. I hate long travelling. I wish I can stay in one place forever and find my "home". My permanent home. That are only ideal. That have no cons whatsoever. That are only good. I wish for such a place. I get bored in my place right now. And the place that I'm going to right now, I don't know if it will be good long term. Is it a good "home"? No I don't think so. But I can't think of any best place.

I. May hv felt comfortable staying at home.

I used to be able to really enjoy and taste the music but since a few years ago, I just found it to be noisy. I used to really like music and music is my language.

I hv watched this.

My will is.....

Okay I will get back to being collected now.

Help me write a resume , I wonder I don't have much to write on my resume. I literally don't have any experience in working. Working experience. Maybe selling something in a university club. Should I write my school or where I live since I was young? I can't create a proper resume because I don't complete my degree. There was a job who take your high school certificate but I can't locate it any longer. My pre university certificate was stolen/taken. So I no longer had anything. I don't have proof or the copy of my high school certificate. It's been too long and after using it to get into a public university I don't think I need it for any other use so I lost it. If you want to be a stewardess they will use this high school certificate. But I can't locate it anymore. This is what I did last year. Idk what to do. I don't even know what I can do I need training I need a university.

So I changed my room. The girls room are no longer mine. Despite having keep it for long enduring so many things. I took my brother's room. I've lost my everything. So my memories in it. I don't want it. I've lost my everything. My life is pointless. This is the room that I've created all those arts. All those writings all those diaries. The room that I grow up in. But it's ruined. They steal from me. I no longer had anything. So I changed my room. Apart from that, after the renovation, they covered one double window , so the natural lighting are no longer available in that part of the room. I was surrounded by toilets. From every direction. When it used to be the side that was facing the Kaaba. But they created a toiled there. For the sake of adding a new room. So I have been the most behind. So I changed my room. Even though this room is smaller. But the morning light are fabulous. But it took me a while to adjust to the small size of the room. In the beginning I do feel like it's a size down. I do feel trapped and anxious. Because I'm used to a big room. I even thought of wanting to change back my room. But at least here I was beside my parents room. I like it. To be near. So yeah. I'm getting used to it. But I still think that I wanna move to the bigger room. Even though the window had been covered. I feel like I wanna break a wall and create another window. At least there was more light. Even though it's at the back. But I, no I don't miss that room. But I want my room. But I'm used to this room.idk. wtv. I wish I can have both rooms. Nah I want to make it return to normal. But never . It will never happened . I change my room because it has produce me a trauma. My things are stolen and room was changed. It is no longer my room without my things. It's over my life is over. I wanna kill myself . Without my things. I don't wanna live without my things. That's what I thought. So I changed my room. I give up my room. I no longer care. No. I'm fucked. Nothing will be good anyway. So I choose the middle room. Being in the middle of the house. At the back. Despite this room not being me who designed it. (I choose the design of my previous room so it was all me ) I had a black toilet and this room had an ugly orange toilet. But I give up anyway. I don't care. I told you that I hate myself. So I don't care anymore. When before this I want everything personally designed for me. I was very personalized. I don't want anything that was made by someone else. Everything would have to be my taste if it were mine. And I don't like things that was taken by someone else.

My life stopped at 2022.

My flow had been cut.

I don't know... I don't know how to make my life pure again.

Back then, I feel like everything that was done to house , it will feel pain. Like putting a nail on the wall. Renovation. And a lot more. My house was destroyed. For the longest time during the pandemic the house was renovated. It was always loud and I feel like it is destruction.we no longer had a garden and a patio on the side. I love grass but my father built a tile on the grass and create a storage room. The house had been destroyed a lot. My father install a solar panel and spotlight and CCTV. Those things are really loud and it took a long time to install. So it was always loud. I always felt sad when they cut our trees. We had several big trees around the house since it was built and it had been cut for a few times. I was very sensitive back then. I realize the littlest tiniest effect it had on the house /on everything. So it was bad back then. I used to go outside and with the aquariums. Now it is no longer. I remember back then I like to play on the patio when it's raining. With the aquarium and all. But it was ruined. My father wants her child to stay in this house . Despite having been married. So he built another two room. So this house is no longer pretty. The circulations messed up. And everything's messed up. Yea you got a room for each and everyone. But it's ruined. This room is originally made only for seven people and plus a guest room. It s no bigger than that. But he wants to fit in another fam and another fam and another fam. So there was three couples in this house including my parents once. And later my brother too. (He'll get married). And my father built a room for each and every child. It's messed up. This house is supposed to be only for a parents room, girls room ,boys room and a guest room. That's all. Four rooms complete. It was perfect. But now..... Six rooms. There will be no longer guest room I guess. Five child and a couple. Six rooms. Total. It's messed up. By right, despite being married, they should respect the concept of this house. Of what it's originally made for. So when they came (married siblings) their husband should stay in a guest room and a girls room should still be a girls room and a boys room should still be a boys room. I am used to having a female cousins (married or not) staying in my room.it is a girls room and I don't mind for any female guest to stay in my room. But, well, that's the plan. My parent's will. So we have a room for each. It was so, unfit. To be living with your parents despite being married. But well, we will have six couples living under the same roof soon. Including my parents. Now I'm used to it. And they don't always live with my parents. But back then , they do. Even my first sister. Her husband aren't from here but he live with us. It's fucked up . Back then. Idk why. I don't remember it much. But I built a partition with a bookshelf. To have a little barrier /privacy between our spaces. I don't like it. Now I'm just fucked. My life is no longer ideal. I wish I was away back then. So that I could still keep myself safe from it all. I wish I was away. But I was not. I'm ruined. Right now the ruined me already live peacefully. But I don't know. I don't know what they want. They're still here.

As ugly as it may be , my family are ruined. Our trust had been destroyed. They steal and accused me of being crazy. But they never say it back then . Only now they said I used to be non normal back then. During the pandemic. They are fucked up. I never missed my prayer and I was doing just fine. They had betrayed me. My mom said I'm crazy. When I'm not even doing anything. They're fucked. They steal!! From me! I never went out of my room during the pandemic. We had a home quarantine. And I'm just doing fine. I don't leave my room. So everything was with me . My room is like a museum. With all of history. And things that I've kept since I was a child. My room is full of my things. And my sisters things. But I was the only one living in my room. They had another two room that was renovated and was built beside the house. They are married. Back then ,my oldest sister aren't married. 2020. Then I don't know when she got married. Basically we had a quarantine and we don't really mix. My sister came from another country because she had lived there for a few years with her fam. Husband and child. And when she came back she had a quarantine. We didn't met. I don't. I wasn't vaccinated and I don't really go out. I don't remember much about back then. But we had a lot of parcels. Coming home. I remember it back then. Everything was safe when I was in my room. And they didn't dare doing anything. I want to install a padlock to my room. I have always being wary since I was a child. I would keep my artwork and my precious things in my luggage and keep it locked. That's the only safe that I had. I dream when I was young my sister cut open the luggage with a knife and destroyed my arts. And then I cried and feel really bad and write a whole lotta of free flow writing on an A4 paper about my dream. And I still had that papers until 24th December 2022. When they put me into a mental hospital. Then everything was gone. They steal everything. When I'm back all is gone. I don't know if it was my sister or my brother or my father or my mom . But my mom I don't think so . There was also a few workers that do the bed and curtain and painting the room white. And there was also my brother in law. So I didn't know exactly who steals my drawings ( and my gold and my certificate and my phone and my books and my bibles and my money and my diaries.) I still didn't know who. And what happened to it all. When. I asked my mother about it she dismiss it. Saying that it was me. And she keeps telling me that I don't remember what I do . It's really fucked up. I hate it. I'm not crazy and my things are gone. I AM NOT RICH AND I DONT HAVE MANY VALUABLES. THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH BUT THEY STILL WANNA STEAL FROM THE ALREADY POOR ME. I DONT HAVE ANYTHING MUCH BUT A FEW VALUABLES. THIS IS UNFAIR. THEY DONT HAVE A DIARIES A STACK OF DIARIES THAT THEY'VE WROTE SINCE THEY ARE YOUNG. THEY DONT HAVE AN ARTWORK THAT THEY DO SINCE THEY ARE YOUNG. THE MONEY THAT THEY KEEP SINCE THEY WERE EIGHT AND WRITINGS AND DRAWINGS THAT THEY'VE WRITTEN SINCE THEY WERE EIGHT. THEY DONT HAVE ALL THOSE. AND I KEPT DOING IT TILL IM 23. IN FACT TILL FOREVER. UNTIL DECEMBER 2022. WHEN THEY'VE CUT MY FLOW. THEY PUT ME INTO A MENTAL HOSPITAL. THEY CUZ MY SOCIAL CIRCLES AND ALL OF MY CONTACTS. THEY CUT ME FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND TOOK MY PHONE FOREVER. THEN THEY GAVE ME A NEW PHONE. I HAVE TO START A NEW. I LOST MY CONTACTS. I LOST A FEW FLOW FROM THE HIGHER BEING. FROM PEOPLE WHOM I HAVE SYNCHRONICITIES WITH. AND THEN WE STOP OUR FLOW AND CONNECTION. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING EVER. THEY KILLED ME. THEY KILLED ME INSIDE. THEY LITERALLY KILLED ME. CUT MY FLOW. I WAS SO HIGH BACK THEN. THEN THEY KILLED ME. 24TH DECEMBER 2022 I HAD PEOPLE LIKE RAIN , GD, DLITE , WHO HAD A REALLY GREAT SYNCHRONICITY WITH ME BACK THEN. WE'RE CONNECTED. BUT IT GOES AFTER I'VE BEEN PUT IN THE HOSPITAL. I LOST BOTH CHRISTMAS AND CHINESE NEW YEAR. I STILL TRIED TO WRITE WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. I TRY NOT TO LOSE MY FLOW. BUT IT WAS TO NO AVAIL. THEY KILLED ME. LITERALLY KILLED ME. CHANGE MY FLOW CHANGE MY HABIT. KILLED ME ON MY TRACK. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE FUCKED UP. NO ONE HAS EVER TOUCHED ME BEFORE. BUT THAT DAY MY FATHER AND ANOTHER GUY AND MY FUCKING BROTHER IN LAW TOUCH ME. I FEEL DISGUST. THEY TOUCH ME . I HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED MYSELF FOREVER. AND I DONT WANNA TOUCH ANYONE'S HAND. AND I DONT REMMEBER SINCE WHEN BUT I DONT WANNA SHAKE HAND WITH MY FATHER FOR A LONG TIME . DURING THE PANDEMIC TOO, ONE OF MY FATHER'S FRIEND DIED. HE DIED BECAUSE WE HAD STOP OUR ROUTINE. YOU COULD SAY THAT IT WAS A SACRED RITUAL. THAT WE WILL DO EVERY YEAR. BUT ONCE WE'VE STOPPED IT , HE DIED. WE CANT CHANGE OUR HABIT. WE CANT. WE SHOULDN'T STOP. DESPITE ANYTHING. IT WILL CAUSE DEATH. AND SO OUR LIFE WAS CHANGED. Idk.

I got 10g gold that was stolen. I had more than eight diaries and a lot of writings that was stolen from me. None other than my own family.

Things that was stolen.

I feel like I'll be safer in my room . Don't ever wanna go out.