Sabth

I think integration is the worst thing in life. Things are good when it's original.

I definitely was way better when I was 20 year old but I wasted my times at a university doing things that was pointless to me. Being poor. Being away from a family. 2016. It was the time when my sister got married. I remember that it was really my high. This was when blackpink debuted and we're same aged. And their song stuck in my head. It was like it's our generations. I remember that it was my high. My prime when my sister got married. But I had two life. Struggling with either to focus on my family and interest , or to focus on my university. I don't really had a great university life. But at 21, I met a group of people who are my age (instead of older) and we get really high together. But they are not the most good looking people. I think my life went a little downhill after that. Instead of the high that I get being with these people. And in 2018 when I was 22, I am getting worser and worser in my university. But we travel to a few countries. I had a fight with my mom during this time. Still fighting between school and family. I was at my peak (?) but my camera is broken. You could say that my camera is my life. And at this time I was losing my stuff my footage from all those years that I was taking (I was an avid selfie girl and photographer and videographer.) I think my life is worth it with all those footage. It is truly out of this world. The highest high. But I guess God wouldn't allow for such a high to exist in this world. I lost a lot of my footage. It suddenly went missing. On my phone. Or you could say, for my memory card, or my harddisk, it was more for being poor than anything, that I couldn't invest in a good harddisk or the world is against me (nature) in that I change to a brand that is really meant to erase everything after five years. (My passport & another brand) . I had a Toshiba harddisk which is older than the other two which still works till now. So it could be that I don't have money (was poor) to invest in all these stuff that I lose my footage. My memory. The only things that are valuable in my life. I even think that life is not worth living after I lost all of my footage (in 2018). It really is. I lost my interest in life. And then at the end of 2018 (I was 22 years old) I withdraw from my university. At this time also I still had the problem with family vs university. But I am already not doing well in university. But there is one time during final, when my mom is forcing me to attend something when everyone else is focusing on the final. While I am already withdrawing /not doing well in school I still wanna stay. It's the least I could do. But she even get mad with everyone. As if being possessed by demons. In the end , I go back I go back using a grab to school. After having wasted my time in pointless gathering/event. But back then I do got distracted a lot. Or rather it was me escaping school. I went on a holiday with fam sometime. And I do different stuff. I was becoming more serious in 2018 than when I was with that group of people in 2017. When we initially had the best (memories together) This is the man that I like when I was 16 : ♣️ I just like that he is an actor back then . And I was into movies and stuff. And I had a craze of drawing and music and arts. Back then. (These guys are now retiring now) There are a 35 year old girl that are doing just fine despite being 35. Edit ,; I want to make a lot of money now. That's all I need.

I wanna get my life together...

It's almost 12AM and I hadn't finished my ten thousand. Because my counter keeps changing. And this one, it is not good. It is covered. So I can't see the number clearly. For the time being I had to use it. I got no choice. I had given the yellow one to my neph. Anyway, I was distracted bout my clothing this year. I'm gonna wear a super traditional clothes. Haha I do wish I could buy the super expensive ones though. But the ones that I bought is fine too..

Today I was shocked with a skin diseases. There was a patch of it on my neck. And my mom immediately went to the pharmacy to buy the medicine for it. And I think it will be fine. Aloe vera plus some pills. I already felt better . And my nephew fight for my counter yet again today, so I just gave him the yellow one. The last counter we had. And my mom wanna buy a new one for me. I want to buy it at some shop today because I want it early. But my mom buy it online instead. This time it was a slightly good quality one. I never use it. A new type of counter. Idk. And for now, surprisingly, a counter that I use in 2021 that was no longer working, suddenly work just fine when I look for it yesterday. I don't know why it suddenly came back to life . Back then, as far as I remember , both had broken. But now it has work just fine again, so I guess I'll use it for now. I wanna buy a new one at a shop as soon as possible🥺 5:53PM

I got a bad dream a really bad dream 😟

It is a little bit old fashioned this book..

This fast lane book... Well I can't drive~~ Anyway, it has arrived at 10PM just now. A little late at night. But anyway, its here now.

My counter break at 93k + I need to use a new one. And my mom give me a new one. I always ask her for it. She buy it in bulk and always had it. And she give me the last one , that is yellow 💛. And I had to fight it with my nephew and niece because they took it when my mom want to give it to me . But I had it in the end. I don't know if I should just let them take it or use it. But in the end I took it because I'm gonna use it anyway. Petty things but ion wanna miss my 10 thousand per day ~

I wish I wouldn't lose.

4:40AM Do you think sibling rivalry is real? I never felt it but.... In my dream, I saw something. These days I've been dreaming something that otherwise I wouldn't realize in real life. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. Things I wouldn't know. like human nature. The nature of real things. It all appeared in my dreams. And made me rethink everything. It shows what wouldn't show in real life. I don't know.

I am almost on my "day 10" which means, I am already 10% done. Which is equivalent to 100,000 x. Tomorrow. Let's see what happened.

7:23PM. I don't usually like soup but this is so good. Maybe cuz I was hungry. But it's good. It doesn't taste bland like a "soup"

I feel like I wanna move to x and start my *independent* life there. I am not growing or doing anything at home. There is nobody to teach me driving or working or doing anything. Pretty much anything. At least if I'm in x I can use public transport. And I can look for work and live independently. At least I can learn. Now I am not doing anything. Not growing.

I am so hungry, even though I am not fasting.

I am being sedentary...

I had a fight with my mom in my dream . Throwing a dust at each other.

I really don't know how to make my life's worth it anymore. From now on. For all the things I've lost. I couldn't start a new. That would make me poorer and poorer. I'm 28. 28 years of life. I should have been accumulating a lot by now.

Still having a lot of trauma

Should I move to the next room?

Instead of to marry someone else , only to realize that you love someone else.

I think it is best to get married with someone you really love for your first marriage.

I need to buy slippers for the important rooms.. and in this dream, my sister is giving us $hit. And it's true, after she came back, my father renovated the house so that it could fit us all and it spoiled the original room and house. Despite already being married for seven years (now eight) she still live with us. And I no longer wanna live in my *precious* *girls* room . Because it had been spoilt. A wall had been covered. Making it all bad. Really bad. I no longer like this house. It was destroyed. Back then everything was hell. But I persevere. The renovation was loud for a long time. And I was living in this house. The circulations was spoilt. And there was other married couple in the house besides my parents. It was weird. But I let it be. It was so toxic. My younger days was spoilt. Because of this house. And later my other sister got married. Also living in the same house. But after all those , then they move. After living with my parents for a long time. I wish I had move next to my parents room earlier instead of persevere in my room and had all those experience. But it's already spoilt. I'm already used to it. Back then it was so toxic. But now,

Today I had quite an interesting dream, unlike yesterday like a distressing dream. I saw we are all on a trip. But there are flood. Or it's full of water. But they are a good swimmers. Just like back then. In our childhood. I think they still like each other. Or they are friends. In my dream, all are still walking (in this case, swimming together). I can't swim. I am just the witness or the eyes that see everything. There was also a disturbing thing. My best thing was in my parents room. But only the slippers are dirty. The rest are fine. The other toilet are left (unflushed>< ) and the other, there was my bil. So I don't feel comfortable. And there was horses. And a walk. Idk. It seems like we are all on a family trip. There was something about shoes. Some people are wearing high heels and are galloping like horses, and there was a glass shoes. Which couldn't be wear. It's more like a glasswork than a shoe. And I look at my shoes and the heels are open. I needed a new shoes and upon seeing others thought I would want to wear high heels this time around. There was another thing, someone was editing a really cool video. My dream consisting of this video perspective . It was like a movie. And I wonder, we've come a long way. Now you're editing way cooler than me. It was really do good . Like a real movie. In real life, I don't know . But he's probably was doing better than me. But I don't know . Because we both had lost our camera.

Am I in danger right now?