Sabth

But at the end of the journey I've met someone who's lower than me , ** ** I while later I dream right now even my brother's door the room that I'm in right now had been broken. And it can't really be closed. And the room that I was in back then, now my brother is in it. Had been raided by my sister's fam some people. And I dream that my siblings are bringing me in a car to all the places that I've been in before like places of the past. When I'm already forgetting it. I'm doing this for something valuable. But they're trying to bring me back. And I see them(sisters fam) touching my younger bro. Yk, it's like being assaulted upon being assaulted. And it spread. Like my younger bro looking up to my second sis. And then he would look like that to my youngest bro. And my things was still being stolen upfront in front of me. And they raided my room back then where all my things were stolen. And now my bro was staying in that room so he got raided. ** **

♣️ I never touch a man or anyone intentionally in my life. Especially during covid, we stop taking handshake or any contact. This is normal. And back then , I was quite pious. I believe in God and I pray and I was not sexually active and I read the Quran (like some surah everyday since I was young except when I'm busy. There are phases like that) and I have other practices. I don't like being touch as that would be like energy exchange. But then , one day when my mom was travelling and my two other siblings aren't at home (my another two didn't live with us, so the ones who live with us aren't at home ) there was a guest coming to our house. It was a male. And later something happened and these guys (my father and him) were holding me down. I was so pissed off that I thought " wouldn't my father alone would be enough to hold me down?" I don't even do anything or fight back because I don't wanna hurt myself. Before this, I wouldn't let anyone do anything to me. My father might have been a healer but I WOULD NEVER LET HIM DO THAT TO ME. Like I won't. Like my sister they would. They would let him do something to them.. but I won't. Because I have God. I believe in God and I am myself a healer so I don't want ANYONE TO BE ABOVE. ME OR GOD TO DO something to me. So I never accept anything. Or submit to anyone . Except God. Back then. That was my belief. Like I would have been a non Muslim if I would submit myself to anyone back then. And I was like this since I was a child. I can't remember when I'm not. I was born like this. And even when we went to some pious people houses, they would say that I already have God (my own God?) and they won't do anything to me because they respect my Creator? They said I didn't need it. So I never let my father do anything to me even though many others went to him. And he assaulted me. I was so pissed off. But I wouldn't move. And LATER , this guest's mom came in and try to do something to me too. Like they are pigs . If I was strong all of em would have been dead. I wanna punch them so bad. (This is not true. I was weak). And later this mom go away and it was just me and my father and this guy holding me in the living room. (Before I was in the kitchen) . And this is when I spit on their faces out of disgust. 🤬 And later though I couldn't remember it well (if he touch me too or not) but I told my mom and my sister to not let my brother in law to see me without my hijab. By this time they already arrived. My mom too. But they wouldnt listen to me. And they brought me to the hospital. In there , they would tied me to the bed. For the whole night and my hand was bleeding so much that there was blood all over my clothe. (From the needle at the back of my hand) In the middle of the night I managed to untied myself from the bed and can walk around. I saw everything. And I took the needle off of my hand. And more blood coming out. First , they have touched me. And then, they spilled my blood. And my father let another guy see me without a hijab. Now to make it even showed myself without a hijab to many more men. To not make them feel special. I don't want them being the only one who have seen me without a hijab. If you were me would you do this? I would ALSO, NOT WANT ANYONE , WHO ARE A scholar, or family, or in laws , or those who never seen others naked except their women , because these guys could have a different reaction to it and would be dangerous. There was a certain people with whom I don't wanna be seen without a covering with and others I wouldn't care. To some I would want to wear a full covering and to my x, if I were to meet them I would wanna still be the same. Not wearing it. Like we used to be. So, this is not too easy. And when I'm travelling , I would wanna still feel freedom. Somehow. Sometime. But I don't wanna be without a full covering in front of my brother in laws... And I never did without it. It has always been like this. (Which is quite recent.) And I had a bad experience with showing my normal self to a guru? Scholar? Idk. Lead? Idk. But I wasn't wearing a full covering and had wished that I would later on. (There was a girl who did it and I asked her why ? And she said because of meeting the guru. And I didn't understand why. And now I do. She said she only wear it to meet him. Not outside. And there are several people who did that. ) They can be creepy. Telling me that just by knowing you name they could pull me. All you need is someone's name. But with God nothing could harm you. I went with my bro so it wasn't just only me. And now I wanted to dyed my hair pink. And I would do what's comfortable to me. If you were me would you open your hijab even though a guy or two had abused you and see you without a hijab even though you're not willing of it. Like forcing you. Would you still wear a hijab even though someone had opened it you know like something that had been done cannot be undone. It can only go forward. Like what have been done cannot be returned. Even if I wear a hijab I would already have been without a hijab. That day. But I don't wanna be open in public. I would still be wearing shaggy clothes here , at least here , where I am. And be subdued. Do not tell me to do whatever I want . I want to know the Truth. If you were me what would you do? I can no longer keep up with being a real Muslim. They had touched me and a non mahram guy had seen me without a hijab. I don't want him to be special so I open my hijab to a lot more other men. To feel normal. Would you? But not everyone. V

I am not saying that I am always safe. Or is still safe.

Including those with whom you interact with on social media. I don't usually like it. And I never interacted with certain group of people until yesterday. And I guess that leads to something unwanted. Do not talk unless someone is higher than you. (?) They suck your good energy in exchange of something bad. Or they're gonna bring you down. Be with people whom you already know. Who created you good energy if you are already good. Idk. It feels bad. ? And I think I need to go back a little bit. If your life is balanced between male & female , do not talk to those who are not balanced (like only had a male group /only female group. ) idk. Cuz I was uncomfortable. And it might bring you to their level. When your level , was completely far off. Like I saw , my mom touched my sister while she's half naked. And she shows her body to us. That is def against my religion. And I was never sexual with the girls /women I meet. The only thing I do is having a fav singer x. I had older sisters and she's like my older sister too. But it has always been pleasant. Sometimes , this is why I do not like to interact with married couple. Except back then , when they respect me (respect our boundaries ) like my oldest cousin, she would be very matured I was eighteen and she had a daughter. I love those who have a daughter. Maybe because both of my sisters have a son . So (the other only had a son) they lack a woman or daughter in their life. So maybe that's why they turned sexual with the women in their life. If people is not sexually active it's fine. And I think this can be felt. Like all of my fav people are pleasant to be with. (My might be subjective ) And I do not like it when my married sisters went to my mom's room. Like it's inappropriate. It's a master bedroom. And my mom had been without a child for long. So she is pure . She had good energies. So I don't like it when they went into my mom's room back then. And a married people can't live in the same house with another more experienced married couple. Like a house for each? Idk. But I think my parents was a loser back then. They allowed another two guys to live in the same house as them. Idk. It would just felt very messed up. And after my eldest sister and my youngest brother move out, they steals from me. This is what I meant by they no longer practicing the religion. Like if my father aren't at home , my brother in law can't be at home too. By right. But they didn't care about it. There's nothing I can do about it. And I do not like taking people's choices. I should see the sign and walk away. My mom had two pictures of two guys in her room and I think I had only talk to her about it once and she didn't removed it so it was my last. It's her choice but the thing is , if you had bad neighbours they tend to bring you down too. It's such a pity. Because now I've lost my wealth. They raided my room and do as they wishes (I didn't know who are they. Probably everyone) they're rackus. If I were to have a son, then the father better be someone whom I really would wanna duplicate. (I don't want a son. Lol)

I can't. I think my mind is kinda rotting right now. (Idk). Should I talk to my family? Should I not? (I don't wanna). This is something that I forced on myself. It wasn't natural. But we can't fake it anymore. Like it was just a comfortable thing to do. But in truth. They're the ugliest person ever. But they try to make it as if nothing happened. Acting as if nothing is wrong. After they killed me. Tried to make everything normal. After stealing from me and betrayed me. And at one point I even fall for it. Like feeling like my parents are getting older. And I wanna move to a different place with my parents. Like wanting my parent to stop working. And I was okay with my nephew/nieces. And I wanna my sister to come back. Visit us. It was the natural feeling or calling that I got. And sometimes I would feel something weird too. Though I didn't know why but I wasn't completely forgetting what they did to me. And as I was becoming stronger, or not too weak , i kinda question it. And now I would still think about it. I've blocked the first suspect. But it could be other too. And those who had betrayed me, I don't. Want to make connection with them. They are my direct fam member. My father asked me if I wanna go to my siblings places. And I don't wanna go. Even though my sister is kinda soft hearted. She did it the second time and I don't wanna. Why couldn't you not betrayed me the first time ? I know she is my sister. Maybe she had a lot of other things above her. But, she didn't say anything to me. So it's over. When I cut my mom off only then she would come to me. But it's over. I even think that I do not wanna talk to her initially. But then, I still do. Even though it was a little tense. And when she asked me if anything was wrong, I do not wanna talk to her at all anymore. It's over . You can't be asking me what's wrong. I already told her. And she ignored me. And my mom too. So now even though my father assaulted me with other guy I still talk to him. My brother I do not like him because he always acted like older brother (even to my oldest sister) when he was just a younger bro. I am closest to my youngest bro. Back in the day, cuz we're youngest. But he hadn't been at home for years. We're separated. For a long time. And now that we're older it would be kinda awkward when we do meet. It's a little too old. If we grow up together things would hv been normal. Idk. But he is with my oldest sister , so I just thought that she is taking care of him. Idk.. I really don't know.. (remembering what happened to me..) all is fine. It had been a long time we haven't met. Here. (I do go there a month or two ago) And when he was here he could already drive around. I can't believe that he's already as old as when I was in a university back then. Idk if I'm responsible for him or not my oldest sister is. My father asked me if I wanna go to their place or not later this year, and I said I don't. Since I have cut my mom off. And if I were to go I would wanna go to another place. It was local. And was promoted. And I saw that it was very beautiful. And I like this place. My grandma's place. Idk. If I were to move that's where I wanna go. And , yk, when I travelled with my mom to a place that I've missed a lot, my father who had abused me would not allowed me to walk on my own . And I stayed with my mom. This was never the case when I'm alone back then. I could go wherever I want. And I honestly didn't wanna go back. I wanna stay there for a few months. I miss it and I don't wanna go back to my dad. Even though I wish I could bring my nephew and nieces for a while. Idk. Idk. It's just a feeling that I felt. Like we have become close. Even though, their mom could be the one who's stealing my things . And my bro too. They killed me. But I became very close to my mom because I'm weak. And by right , if I hadn't choose to stop going, she would have to drive me to the hospital forever once a month to take a vaccine. Whatever that is. It just felt so fucked up. So I stop going. And she would threaten me to sent me back and I even thought that would be better (how much I would rather be there forever than be at home. If it were like this ) like I don't mind it. I have been killed anyway. And I'm used to sit in that hospital for over a month. Yk. Might as well just carry it forever. I've been killed anyway. And if they didn't steal my things after I came back that would have been more acceptable. But I've lost a lot of things. My heart sink writing this.

I have been assaulted anyway.

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I had 140 IQ while in school and the latest one on this forum (idk if that test can be counted on or not , it's seems too simple.) I got 116 for the first time and 127 for the second.

Yk, of course , I do not like , ruining what we've already built.

You know , my imagination can be about just anything. (I don't usually believe that it's just imagination. But today.. it's kinda.. ) I dream, that my grandma, is driving furiously into the lawn. Being a grandma. She's driving alone. And there was a gathering. She was furious (?). Idk. And there are people in that gathering , whom, made me feel not safe. Like a random guy, it reminds me of last year. Like they are purposefully wanna ruined my mental health. Like saying I'm crazy. I think those guys are checking on me. I don't even know them. But they seems evil and had bad intention. He talk as if he wants to ruin me mentally. Saying I'm crazy. And I saw a girl. A x girl. (I try not to mention any race because it might attract them.) But I saw this girl. At first she was demonized by other people. Like girls went to her shop and demonized her. Until she closed her pharmacy. And later I saw those girls are regretting it. That there is no more that pharmacy. They were in front of her closed shop weeping. And it's closed. This reminds me of last year/the year before. I wonder if it was her. There was a pretty girl only slightly younger than me who are in there too. (There were four younger people including me . )

I sleep early in the night and wake up at two am. These days it had been like that. And I like it as I'm not rushing into the day. And I don't sleep after until night. And it seems like I need less sleep when I sleep like this.

It has been thirteen years since I've met my babies. And now , they are fifteen years old..

There was , a monkey who can't take no for an answer. It was so scary. Idk why I got all these dreams. And something saddening is happening in my dream. Like the last moment when my step grandma was about to die. In real life, I didn't witness it. So she was never dead. In this dream, I saw her last moments. There was a camera , attached to monitor her. By a neighbour. It's 24/7. And she told me & my mom, that my grandma is gone. This is so sad. For real, usually she was always alive in my dream. I never seen her death. And this monkey was weird too. As if it was entitled to me. It has to be put to sleep. Anesthesia. Only then it would stop. Before this, I was chased by a bear in the wild (there was monkeys and bear but the bear chase me. Not monkey.) but today, it was a monkey. I don't know. Idk what I did wrong. Maybe it is cutting my family off. I don't like it. I don't like to be only talking with x. It's not my usual. And I don't like the fact that there is no barriers between us like my mom or my sisters or anyone elses. I hate everything. But they have betrayed me. I had no one really. I thought I wanna go to x. Maybe there could be someone . It's open 24/7. And maybe I can find my safety there. But I didn't. I'm thinking of walking at night. Even though it's night. You know , now I guess those around you are the version of police in your own world. Acting like the eyes. And when nobody is doing it , your world is meant to be doomed. Like I was responsible to be the eyes too. Read : police. But that's a low thing to do. And I'm a coward. Like when I see that my parents or my siblings no longer practicing the religion. Corruption. Doing as they wishes. Using their religion whenever it fits them. And discarded it whenever it benefits them. It's the battle of the strongest. Like these people, they're fake. Or maybe , "smart"? Well, to their advantages. Like what can I do? Tear it apart? I do have burned something before. But I'm weak. My father too is weak. And my mom is damn. I do not like making anything sad. What did I do? Even if my life is saved I do not like what I have experienced. They had to put this monkey to sleep. For being aggressive. When this monkey wakes up in the train, it no longer aggressive. It is as if it just woke up from sleep. And I didn't like it. This shouldn't happened. And it was brought away from me. Why would a monkey be mad with me in the first place? This shouldn't have happened. It's a tough stuff. Why can't I always be protected? Like the veils of those around me? They keep me safe.... And what is with the monkey? I miss the time when I only dream of my friends and my lovers and those around me whom I know in real life and those I look up to. Like feeling normal. Like normal. Like my waking life and my dream are on the same page? Like nothing too weird is happening in my dream ? Why can't it be like that? I don't wanna change my reality.

Well, my timing was wrong.

I thought I could forget (about it). But no. It wasn't better..

I dream about making a big deal out of where I'm currently at. Maybe moving out is not the best option/decision. (I hv always wanted to move back into my original room though it is no longer ideal) But wasn't allowed to. I am in a strange situation. If I have a lot of money I wanna renovate my room. (My original room) Idk. It was bad. But really bad. My situation that I've chosen myself now.

3:28AM

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I can't even do things that are not against my religion.

Do you think in the end people only think about x ?

Well, Idk. I got a weird dream. Or maybe , weird is just something I would say to something I can't explain. In this dream, I saw a girl in an industry. She was treated badly by an older male acquaintance. Or a male that works in her industry too. He was mighty, or wanna feel superior. He treated female badly. And constantly wanna exert "power". Making himself seems "powerful" . Or he would do things that will make him "higher" or in a higher position. And I saw her with this girl topless and he throws curses /vulgar languages to her. Dissing Her body. And then later , a lot of girls did something to her to clear the energies away. Like literally, even to her shadow. Like the place that he was assaulted , she was in another place standing, and the spot she stands earlier , these girls are pouring water like bottles of water on that . And I guess she was fine? Idk. And I saw these people pouring water on it. And then, I talk to this kid. Or this boy, who appeared to be this girl's younger brother. Later, he was selling his sister. I scold him. I said I don't sell my younger brother. ~ so idk. Idk what this dream was about. Idk~~ And then , even way before this , we're about to see something, and I wear.. like double socks. Idk what's wrong with it or me. But it wasn't good. It keeps falling out . We're about to went somewhere. And there was a time when I told someone to reserve the seat for me. Then I walk quickly. To the bathroom. It might steal a show. I don't know. Idk where I am or what I'm doing exactly. Before that, I was on the other side. Then I went out through the other side. Going through people. And went outside. Went to the bathroom. And went even more outside. And idk. But it seems like the end of the road. And I tried to go back inside. But this time , it was all male. And I wasn't allowed inside. They wouldn't allowed me. At first, they tried to help me. But upon realizing that I'm a female they do not allowed me to enter it was an all male area. But I only had one goal and that is to went inside and go to the other side. Yk. I've been walking for a while. And so I disregarded them and just went inside. I climbed a fourth floor or the fifth floor. I don't know. Idk what I'm doing exactly but I just wanna reach my destination.. but I went through these obstacles, like a man tryin to stop me and idk what happened next. Guess it was that kid. Of course , I am not allowed to enter a male only area. But I'm only, passing by I guess? (Idk) I do wanna have like the most thoroughful turn. To me those guys are just someone who would stop me. They aren't the destination or have any importance. It's like a cell. A male cell. So they don't allow me in. But I wanna go through not staying there it just happen to be on my way. Idk. I wanna go to the first place I started. And I guess even before this , I was playing the bicycle outside with my brother (and his wife? Idk) but there is more than me like three people. I think. And there are three types of bicycle . In reality, here, I have only played it once with the fam on the road. Nothing more. And in this dream , I seems to have trouble riding it. Idk. I was never bad at riding a bicycle. The other time when I do ride a 🚲 is during my childhood. My father teach me like in the neighbourhood. Like only me and my father. I can't remember if my brother was there too. And I never had problems riding a bike. So these dreams , makes me feel uncomfortable. As it is something that I never felt. And I was never harassed by a guy before. Or me , going against them. Like not giving a f. Idk. Apart from my father who harassed me , I was never treated badly by any guy. 🌷 Even more so I should have made the police report as earlier as possible. You know like before things gets worser. Idk. Maybe cuz there is no action. And I shouldn't have talked to my brother. Or change any energy. The same way that I would talk to my mom or sibs. It should be NO ONE. Especially those who are related. In other words , everyone in the house. Should have done it earlier. Yk, they might be in a lower level than me. Like my younger bro. He might be troublesome. Like his standards are low and he was repressed a lot (by my mom) growing up . Like she wouldn't allow him many things while I got pretty much everything I wanted for being a daughter. Idk I think it makes him what he is now . Idk. I don't like it. Like he would buy a second hand things for himself and for others. But I wouldn't. I would never. I would never buy someone's second hands. But he would. And told me to. And he always act as if he knows more than me. When he didn't. And my mom would submit to this guy. Just so because he's a guy. But he ain't wiser than me. Idk about (being) better (than me) but I as someone older I know or understand things better. No matter how. I guess. Idk. I don't wanna mention or have anything to do with him anymore. Like he ain't know better than me , back then. Like when we're about to buy a new computer my mom would ask me to ask his opinion. When I can ask many others who are more of an expert in it. Like people who are actually doing the things that I do. And he would buy my younger brother a second hand camera. (?) Like I would never allowed that for my bro. But well, maybe I lost. Well I can't stop them. So, my bro did buy it. . He isn't good. I would be f'ed up. Using his brand, I lost my footage. I should followed my eldest sister. Because when I followed my second sister it doesn't last long. But hers are more expensive and I didn't know better. Of course if something is more expensive it would be better. And my mom didn't spent on me that much? Idk. But I opt for a not too expensive thing back then. And it didn't last forever. It got the same problem as my second sister. Idk. And eventually stopped working. Intuition is the best guide. I guess. At times like this I won't be wrong. I can be influenced so I make stupid decision too. Especially when I'm weak. 🕊️ You know, when someone forced you to wear white when you would never wear white. Little things that I hate. Or maybe it was for good. Idk. Maybe not.

I do not like connecting my friends to my other friends. That's the only reason back then that held me off of social media. I could have made like a two or three accounts now that I think about it. Idk. And I regret it a little bit. Because I could have seen my timeline throughout the years if I had one. And something that is shared won't be lost. Now, I just think that , it's really good if you only follow really high quality profile. Other than that, it can make you sick. I don't have social media back then only YouTube. YouTube takes a lot of effort to make so anything in it are higher effort higher quality things (back then, only? I guess) others are like

There had been many time when x in my country had been caught red handed. I think my intuition can be trusted. Like sometimes you just feel disgusted with something without knowing why. And it turns out it wasn't good. Idk. I think I will avoid something that I don't feel good with. Idk..

My cousins appeared in my dream a lot these few days, and I do not like it. If I had ditch my mom it would means her family too. And them having access to me? I don't like it. Anyway, my oldest sister , a few days ago, sent me a cake. And in the past, she is the ones who ignored me . Too. When I told in the group that I've been robbed.. but they ignored me. So I don't accept her cake or messages. Once it's done it's done . You can't mistreat me once and expect me to be good in other times. It's done. So I wouldn't eat her things too the same way that I wouldn't eat my mom's friends cake. It could even be like a bribery. I wouldn't take it. But anyway, yesterday, I feel like I am already being passed to some other. I don't like it. I mean, in my dream, it was other people. Not the same people who always appeared in my dreams. It used to be pretty consistent. Idk. Like my circle.. it felt like we are close together. But now,. Idk. You got these lower cousins in your dream. Disturbing you. Or before this, it would have been a little normal. But I have let them go/throw them away even before they mistreated me. They are my mom's family and they are related , so it's all of em. Four suspect , five six seven eight. And my oldest sister and youngest bro even though they are not here , my sister ditched me in the WhatsApp group. She didn't care. When I said my things had been stolen. My youngest , he's with her. Somewhere far away. He's under her care. So I won't be too serious with him but , I'm prepared on having him be on the person I'm against. Too. And let's see who is the thief.

They wouldn’t even let me have my phone. For over a month. 45days? And when I’m back it was all stolen.