Sabth

I can't sleep. I can't sleep at all. Wide awake.

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*I wonder if he can be mummified.*

I wish I can re-play this forever and forever. I wish I can stay with my grandpa in the last two days.

Idk where to put this. First , they have killed me, now I no longer had a self. Followed others. They have killed me. First, they won’t allowed me to travel. Or have the vaccine, I literally had no one to bring me to get it. They told us not to have it but they themself had it. and I didn’t know anything about my sisters wedding and about her pregnancy and delivery. I didn’t see them. Back then, they said, the quarantine and the COVID. So I was out of the picture. But they had sex in my house and, (even delivered the baby while staying in my house? ) but I didn’t know it. I don’t remember why or what’s going on. Maybe we are just contactless. But she get married in another state without me (and my other sister/siblings attending their wedding. But then, they live in our house after. I wonder, why. I don’t like it. Because it’s just like bringing a guy over to our house and have sex and live together and have a baby. My parents are no longer a practicing Muslim at that point. Or else, our house are designed for segregation between male and female. And for guest. We had it all designed. Well. But then , anyway, some of us didn’t have the covid vaccine, my mom demonised it until now but she do it for herself, and could travel. It was one of the reason I’m pissed when someone from other state could come to my house while I couldn’t travel. He shouldn’t be coming to my house. It’s covid now. And why, I couldn’t? So that’s why , I burn the towel to drive him out of my house. It wasn’t a big deal. But they touch me for it. As soon as I heard where he came from, it pissed me off. And I could hear them speaking from the living room in my room even with the door closed. Everything was just, so bothering me. And this is how they took me to the hospital. And when I’m back, they had steal all my things. I literally had nothing else. They had killed me. And the biggest thing I lost was my connection. They’ve killed me. I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with anyone for over a month or do my practice or what I usually do so they have killed me. I wish to kill myself altogether cuz life is not worth living, I became highly dependant on my parent and they even want me to keep getting injected once a month for the rest of my life forever. Being associated with the hospital forever. So we do it for a few month. I felt so fucking disabled and stupid until I stop it. My mom would drive me to this hospital which are out of the way from our usual area and are faraway. To get to this hospital. By this time my parents are no longer Muslims.

There was a time when my teacher died. And my mom won't let me see her. For the last time. Instead, she bring my sister and told me to walk. She bring my sister and herself. When they had nothing to do with each other. It wasn't her teacher its my , teacher. I don't know how, in her end life , she became close into my mom's group or circle. aka(*Cult*). Hehe . Nah. I wish I would have met her when everybody does. During her last moments.

Everything would have a reason. I didn't wanna go because my parents aren't there. They're not going. They're in another state. And who are they without my parents? So I don't wanna go. But my parents sent me and my younger brother to go. But I don't wanna. I still remember that my grandma still want me to go. To go with her. But who are they without my parents? I felt uncomfortable so I don't wanna go. Apart from that, I am in a mess. I came here to clear up my stuff. So there is this one room full of mess. Like a big real mess. And I'm in it. I can't go. I can't leave it like this. Or I will miss my flight. The reason I'm here is to clear up my mess. So I didn't go. I can't go like this. And my parents can't put this responsibilities on me. That should be them. Not me. I ain't no their parents. So if you don't go I wouldn't. This is what happened back then. . And another one, we had a fight. It's cruel. I certainly couldn't. And they know it . But it was my fault . All my fault. No one can tell you to do anything if you don't do it. It's you. In the end it's all your decision. I am already crumbling.

There was also a time when I felt like , it was better to be in the hospital forever instead of home cuz I no longer had anything left. Because my mom would threaten me to put me back inside. Oh . Good.

Why was my grandfather tied to the bed? And he wasn't allowed to talk. I just think that he would be better if he could be free. He couldn't even go to his own house. ("Because it had the memories of my late grandma.")

Yay my grandfather aren't sick~

I am so sick and tired. Because I didn't sleep last night.

Life is chaos... Idk.. life is chaotic.

My grandpa is dying so we're going to visit him.

I wish, I would be able to have a fit and toned body. Be able to workout, jog, & etc

In reality my father was calling me to open the front door but I didn’t wake up, I was sleeping and only see my phone later that day.

I dream of countless of dogs in front of my house this morning.

I had my first, temporary tattoo and it was So pretty ><

@hikmatshiraliyev Maybe he is in a better place now. He said he was in pain. Maybe now all those hv ended.

I got a bad dream, it's more inclining to bad than good I think. I got several dreams. Wouldn't say what I don't like. But I'll keep my x on. Does those fish do not like me? It created like a fountain. (From its mouth) Whenever I changed the water/add in more water. Do you not like ? So I leave it be. Anyway, there was someone who mixed other child (like a batch of groups of baby fish) into this male father fish. But it's not his (children) so I don't like it. To be mixed or to mix it. It wasn't his child. There were two groups of fish that was mixed together. I want his child to be his child and that would be My breed. Not other's who put those fishes in my place. I don't want it. I don't want it to be mixed. Anyway, there was a time when I meet a high school people. Idk. And probably the place was even my childhood school. So idk. It wasn't good. Like we're all back. I don't like it. And something appeared on my face. Glad that it's just a dream and not really happening irl. But I still don't like it. And the last thing in the dream was me buying something in that school. As I was to go back. It was a big tissue. But also something that made me advance in a wed. Idk. What it was about. The closest that it looks like with the things that I have in real life is my A3 art book. That's it. But it was pink/dusty red instead of black. In my dream. I was choosing between a two. And then someone wants to buy it too. But I. Have taken it. Making me advanced. 9AM 27th August 2024 12:00PM I feel sick.

I hv made a lot of mistakes in my life. I shouldn't be where I don't wanna be .

I dreamed that my third toe are missing. It was quite a disturbing dream. And then, before I sleep again after early morning, I open up the blinds fully because I like the brightness. The bright morning light that comes directly into the room. So after opening the blinds, I sleep again. And in my dream, the distant neighbour can be seen watching me directly through his window from his house. (Our backyards are directly facing each other). And I was scared to even pretend that I'm awake. And to close the blinds. But I did. And then saw a lady in my backyard watching closer through my window. It was really scary. And somehow , she gets passed through the wall and into my room holding a kid. I had to drag her out through the living room and then the front room. It was quite scary. Then, the scent of my deceased grandmother lingers. Idk. Then I was with my mom and my sister and she bought us chocolate. Idk.

I’m wasted.

$140k. That's all I need for now.

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What responsibility my eyes is hardly any good now I feel like an old person. Who are you btw?