Sabth

Yesterday I feel like my father was at home but actually he wasn't.

It's been 6 days since I'm here and I only went out on the first and second day. I am so tired of being at home that my body hurts. I wanna explore this city. But we're a little distant. From the city area. I'm so sick of being inside. Usually I would go to a lot of places on my own. I am so excited to be here. There's no way I could walk from here to the city center.

May be I should tell what I valued most. When truth is lost I do not like it. If only God could stop rain. I would be happy. This is just like back then. The whole world was withholding it. And now it's raining. I don't like it. But, 2.50AM I really be like don't hv anything else to talk to md. But then as I fall asleep I then know what I am supposed to talk about. They'd really be still be attacking me or doing something like in the room as before, but even in my dream.. not physically. Like traces. Idk. And my room was so different in my dream. Height shamed etc.. like those kids. If I don't tell em then it feels like they'll forever be in darkness. Idk. Shall I tell me now? This seems like a really old topic. My intelligence might dropped by so f much. Yk. Being with these people. I lose myself. Where is my original self? It ain't about that. Well I left the door open that's why. Damn y . But. 511 test 3:48AM I shouldn't be focusing on things that are, things that are actually pulling me away. I should be focusing on what I am supposed to do. But, I saw in my dream that they are throwing me away. Like showing me the traces. Acting as if we're going somewhere. Packing my things. There are a whole lot of things going on. When I'm facing the mirror. In this room. Etc. when I'm facing x. My father etc. one time there are many, so many pigeons wanting to get into the house. And im looking for somewhere to s. But there are many people that I can't do it comfortably. And yk, someone was showing me something. Actually, if an apocalypse were to happen, idk. My focus now are totally ruined. I don't wanna be stuck in that. They are going really backward. Feeling like vomiting. Seeing the face of someone I'm never supposed to see . Vs eating that yesterday. Whatever made me do. Just kill me. Is it still . There is really like the dark side. When I went into my room, it felt like heaven. But idk. I'm worried about my father. Should I worried about my father or should I worried about myself? Or is it just me? . Now between me is two men , when before this it was two one of the same woman. And I should stop at myself. I am not meant to meet the other extreme I wrote these yesterday. Idk why the mod wouldn't let me edit my topic. I went through a whole lot of crashes. Something that are in my mind right now : heart mind and soul 2. Heart. By t. It feels like something is pouring on me from above in my mind forcefully like rape and I lose myself. ◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾◾ November 22 yesterday I feel like someone had turned me into a book. Like they're selling me . And about yesterday, it's all about not wanting to be with those who are worser than you. It truly is dangerous. Idk. Because I don't. If you get close to a criminal you would become one if you get close to any other undesired object you would become one . Idk. Yk we shouldn't be mixed. Lest I'd become like them. Anyway, I am not at all good either at this moment because I have been separated but I want to be What if it's something you didn't want ? But you get it? bad luck? Why luck? Whether it's good or bad, luck is no good. People are laughing at me for being weak. Sleeping. What had struck me in 2021 had struck me again in 2024. Slightly different. Same. Worser? Lower. 2:27PM I got a free pins from a shop I had bought it a loooong time ago and it had just received by me now. And another thing was given by someone else. And suddenly the rat above the ceiling goes wild. Idk. I don't wanna take it. I put it outside. And this one, the one that I got, it is from my bro. Idk. It's just black and white. And my sister is giving me green orange. Idk. Is she aware is she not aware? Idk. I'm afraid. Cuz no one would want that rat to run rampant. Nonono. Anyway, I could hv just sent what I want (to sent) to her through others but I didn't. I hv all the reasons yk. Because my mom had been raped by my other sis and my bro, idk. I just trust it to send it by myself. Idk. But then, I never did. And now, yk, I had these pins. I borrowed hers one before. Maybe I should just have told my bro to sent this to her if I know. If . But I didn't know. Should I take her gift and sent her my two gifts? But I wasn't sure of her intention. Because in my dream she had attacked me too. This isn't anyone's fault it is what it is. Like you had to go through it. Unless I know what's been inserted into her I can't fully trust her you know. Idk. Like my mind better be elsewhere. I do see that she's giving her clothe to my mom and my mom to her. And then my mom said that she is shorter etc. there was such a thing. And they would compared their heights etc. and body feuture. Idk. There's a reason why siblings aren't like mom and mom aren't like us. We're a mix of our father. She said she can't be better than my sis because she's shorter. When comparing those clothes. And now she's giving me one thing which I will keep it outside. It might seems like just innocent. Or might not. I don't mind wearing anything though. If I'm healthier you could put a rug on me and I didn't care. Idk. Would she wants her pins back or the new one? If it were me I would... Want my clothes back even if it had been touched. Idk2x. Back then it's c.union now it's some traditional thing. I liked her religion the most what I liked about her. Yk. I didn't wanna meet her because I hv dyed my hair so I thought I would just love like this for a year. But I can't last even for a few days with my father alone. This shall be forever idk. This is not what I am supposed to say. I'm only thinking of retouching my hair. That's about physical , when I don't care about it I'm only thinking of getting back as soon as possible. It's a natural thing to wanna keep or re dyed your hair over and over again when it's faded. Or when your root grows. Yk when I hv my natural colour anything that my sis gave me would fit. 1:32am nov23. I just doze off real badly just now. Idk. And to talk to someone else when I wanted to write something really felt off. Idk. I'm only thinking about my mom and dad. Idk. It seems... It seems... Like they are really wanting us to be separated. But idk. Is she worth my time or is she not? Idk everything felt really bad. I really love her firstborn daughter the other day there is no doubt. (My sister) Damn. What did I just dream about? Weird. I wish it hadn't had to be like this so that we can meet up front. Not at the back like this. Where we didn't know the proper distance and relationship like between a teacher and not. This is so weird AND I , REALLY DONT LIKE IT. I ONLY HV LO AND THIS AINT IT. Anyway, that's why I want to go higher. Back to idk 1:32am (it's already 3:05am right now I was so sad that I'm thinking about my mom. I don't want my bro or anyone elses). Now what I actually want /wanna say..... Idk if it's still worth it to say because what I wanted to avoid had already happened. I shouldn't hv let anyone distracted me from it. What I actually want is to be able to practice my religion without anyone disturbing it. Should hv write it when it's still fresh in my mind. 4:22am I do not wanna have anything to do with these people initially. True. Because. But today again in my dream there was already two car pieces in our windows. Yk when we are most vulnerable ? When my father aren't at home. That's when the people attacked us. When we're not together. Or, Someone said that we're just a tiny spec in the universe with all it's freedom to do whatever it wants. We arent. Everything are by a f other power. 1722 if I look at my body I know who's hurting. And when I said this they thought I'd wanted to do it. "Together" . Like no. I want to do it alone. Yk this might also not be understood. The way I mean it. Sometimes my blood doesn't attract ants and sometimes it does. Like now and my room are full of ants from every corner from the food. The other thing I see was attacked by ants was the kitten. I shouldn't have said this. Who am I gonna pray to if there is no God? All of the dangerous q. ///// I waited for a day or two to post this. And... Yea. Of course. I've lose a lot. Or rather. Idk. Something had already appeared in my dream yesterday being judged and. Everything was ugly. Like they focus on my home or my (previous) room. Remember when I said I hv been killed? They changes everything. I'm done with em. But, idk if something was killed again everyday yesterday because I've cut myself from my fam for months now. But we're never really apart so I still lose myself. Idk how far this will go. But I'm going into a lower and lower and lower dimension as I no longer practice my religion and neither separating myself so that I could preserved something of what's left in me.

What if it's something you didn't want ? But you get it? bad luck? Why luck? Whether it's good or bad, luck is no good. People are laughing at me for being weak. Sleeping.

3:48AM I shouldn't be focusing on things that are, things that are actually pulling me away. I should be focusing on what I am supposed to do. But, I saw in my dream that they are throwing me away. Like showing me the traces. Acting as if we're going somewhere. Packing my things. There are a whole lot of things going on. When I'm facing the mirror. In this room. Etc. when I'm facing x. My father etc. one time there are many, so many pigeons wanting to get into the house. And im looking for somewhere to s. But there are many people that I can't do it comfortably. And yk, someone was showing me something. Actually, if an apocalypse were to happen, idk. My focus now are totally ruined. I don't wanna be stuck in that. They are going really backward. Feeling like vomiting. Seeing the face of someone I'm never supposed to see . Vs eating that yesterday. Whatever made me do. Just kill me. Is it still . There is really like the dark side. When I went into my room, it felt like heaven. But idk. I'm worried about my father. Should I worried about my father or should I worried about myself? Or is it just me? . Now between me is two men , when before this it was two one of the same woman. And I should stop at myself. I am not meant to meet the other extreme I wrote these yesterday. Idk why the mod wouldn't let me edit my topic. I went through a whole lot of crashes. Something that are in my mind right now : heart mind and soul 2. Heart. By t. It feels like something is pouring on me from above in my mind forcefully like rape and I lose myself.

It's the whole reddit account went to the dark side. Underworld.

Yesterday, I made a very short lived reddit account. I have done like a few things in it. Like creating a private community on it. I only write a few things. And I sleep for a while. And when I woke up, it's all gone. So I deleted everything that was left on it. Like I may have made like a three post only. Did they have the ability to deleted my content as they wishes? It seems douchy to me. Why good things couldn't exist. Or maybe , when I woke up, I deleted one thing (latest), and the second post existed. And the first post or everything else vanished.

I hadn't verified my account that's why.

Somehow my feeling was, I write this yesterday and I had like the most intense feelings ever. I don't think there is any cure for this to those around me. Whose faith and feelings had been upon me. Idk. Even though I know exactly how I feel i kill the light. Love can be transported and the carrier of that love

Okay to suicide? Are we killing ourself? // There are traces of my s still but there are no traces of me. Is this dangerous ? Or is this not dangerous? I have one old enrich number which, the two last digit of it is equal to my now phone number. But , I have forgotten my email password for this since last year. And today without thinking much about it , I created a new one. I have been holding it on because I don't wanna create a new one. Usually, even though I have forgotten my email I can still use my enrich to book flights because my mom would do it for me. She only needs my number so I don't have have my own apps/account. So I would still use that old number to travel. But now, I did things by myself. Even though I've been withholding myself today I didn't think about it and made it. So today I got a new number which is , not equal to my now phone number even though this card had been made 2decade ago? Idk. My latest phone number is just from last year. And it had the same last digit as this old enrich number. Am I dying? It is so depressing looking at this. That was me who did that.

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I thought in my dream ; The battle is not over yet. And I saw people in my dream would want to be in the position I'm in. On reddit. When something doesn't feels right it's only because it ain't over yet.

I'm no longer going to use it if its going to be like this.

It even changes the day I made the account which is yesterday 17th Nov. To some July. Why?

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I don't wanna get into others mind which I already did and it ruined me. Too bad. I don't like being full. I don't like being skimpy & hungry either Everything just doesn't feels right. 9:30 . I feel like I want to vomit.

Someone wants me to forget my past

I really don't like to be forced. Or pressured.

What did I see? In my dream?.... If possible I don't wanna sleep. I fear.

Yk, when my grandparents are alive, we are moving very slow. And they teach me a lot. But when I have nephew /nieces we aren't like that.. and they are very destructive. Maybe we shouldn't have left our past to be alive. Maybe, if we had a lot more family, this will do. Like when I'm gone, there's more people or new generations that's doing what I do back then. It doesn't have to be blood related. Could be adoption . But the cycle must flow. Idk. Like I wish, Right now , when I think of a place that I went to with my grandma, I feel like I no longer wanna go there. Because with my grandmother's death, it would be the death of that place. I can't go there without her. It feels weird to be there without her. And I wanna keep moving forward. Exploring new places without her. Idk. Like looking back, it will make me sad. But she also appears a lot in my dream. Idk. The last time I went is more than a decade ago. While others have done it a lot. Idk. And it seems like they are very shallow. And things like people in my fam no longer practicing the religion. There is an evil force going around. Like a patriarchal force? Which didn't exist before. It's when you let some run rampant . I want my mom's kinda feminist back. It would be better if people mind their own business and are separated. Not marrying each other even between women . Like it was very damaging. And they kill everyone. Is it communism? We're better off not knowing each other. I need to show what my previous world were like. (It's not even a huge world but I already felt like dying. Maybe because they killed me ) Like stealing my things. Otherwise I would have all of the traces of the past... // Am I ruining you for saying this? If it was something that I said when I'm not dead it's fine. Because it is something that I believe and have strong standings on it. Not now. Anything I said now is just weak /deadly.

Year 3024 I barely think I'll be alive now.

Flashing before memories . .. I know with whom I liked most.

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It turns out red though.

Sometimes i doubt it other times i was very sure of it. I just dont wanna lose the quality of my natural hair. Idk if it were to grow back would it still be the same?