Sabth

I think nature is God. I don’t viewed pet as God but real nature like birds are God. And not the usual thing that happened everyday. When it is unusual. There was also a time when I believe in God when it’s non nature. (My default mode had always believing in God btw.) Then not. it is my fault for not practicing. (A part of it) Before that, there was a time when I had felt like I can’t do it anymore. Not when I’m sick I think I’ve been pulled and instead of forcing myself I think I should hv followed my intuition or what feels right. Idk. Because it did do more harm than good. Anyway, Thinking about the pain I’ve felt, there was a place that I don’t wanna go to anymore. Idk. Because back then in 2020 there was a time when I have felt like I don’t wanna leave home anymore. And I wasn’t enjoying it. (When I do leave) (My heart was splitted) No i hate rain. i woke up at 10+ pm last night and thought that i hate rain . It was raining more heavily than ever. And i somehow know that rain is nature. But it is somehow still artificial and man made . So i wasn't affected by it much/ anymore. Or was it I hate God? Idk. But i don't like it everytime. The time when i used to enjoy rain and morning air (everyday when i was young i would wake up just for that to not miss the morning air) and when i used to walk in heavy heavy rain i think nothing of it and not being scared of rain. Somehow in 2023, there was a time when i had forgotten about it too. But now its still in my mind. I am not anywhere near innocent. So stop trying to be like a God to me. i should have write this after splitted* “I have cl in my mind” she somehow gets me together, in order for me not to feel like im losing myself. If anything i would do something for her. (If i went to a show it was because of her) i was listening to her. And later when they uploaded the fam picture on the island, it feels like they had taken my position. Like they had becomes the daughter. That's how it feels. And they seems happy . Without me . i was having fun too i walk a little bit and if anything it was just for that dish that i went there. At least theres something good in it. And later, years later i feel like there’s something i missed and would wanna go to the island/beach. But theyd never bring me to anymore. The season is not right , etc. No matter how much we went there. and now i no longer wanna go there and there are places that i cant go to anymore 2020 the memories and pain that i felt (physical) made me not wanna go back (2023). What if you're asking for it? You want to have that again? I doubt it. That pain that you’ve never felt. Its only for me btw yk , your mind can be twisted, maybe i shouldnt do that. Stop trying to be God because God to me is that thing which arent human. So I can’t act as if I didn’t know why they are no longer here or disappear. today or last night everything went back to the past. Of course I didn’t like it but we’re becoming lower. Everything that happens make it worse. Idk Like the previous one are better than the next. I wish to not go further. Like yesterday, I dream that x was still looking through that thing. (Omg) in the past everything was normal. It wasn’t like we hadn’t done it before. But this time, comparing it to my previous night dream, it was a whole lot worser. You can’t act on behalf of me cuz you are not me. Even though my spirit might be in you. Just be yourself. Why do you think it’s a lose for me if I write this? -yesterday- But the dream that they have access to are only the dream that I have told them to. -today- .

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941pm They are changing me tryin to make me or others the three members of x. It wasn’t good. But someone had to do it I guess. Idk. They dc. While I was talking about r, they bring about something else. Should I go ? But it’s all fke. 12:11am now they are channeling my distant fams/relatives spirit. Or at least that’s how I felt. What gets to me. Is it better if I became close to all of em? (Rel) I am becoming more distant. (Not only rel)

X

Everyday are moving way too fast.

I woke up at 5AM and arrived at a conclusion.

Just a Little disconnection. The last few days had been a little crazy and today I wake up feeling disconnected. Not that it’s wrong , but there’s so many should and shouldn’t. 12162024 3:09AMx

There are millions and many universes. You just had to not be founded.

Today Something really bad is going on. . Yesterday. I feel like there is something still left in me. That I wanna carry in me but couldn't.

Because you're dead is the answer to this question. But are you really dead? There are people who haven't died 100% I shouldn't have said that.

Seeing everything turning to sh. (Not here) Just lower (here) and as soon as I sleep for a while everything changes way too quickly. This is what I meant by I do not like it. 6:59AM Dec 4 Yesterday as something bad happened I thought I wanna disown my father. Initially it was them who wanna do that to my father and I thought I wanna protect my fam or what was left. But since, this is what was happening to us, it had been transferred to me and now I want to disown my father. He (carried all those spirits behind him) degraded me and disrespected me yesterday like an incest. Imagine looking at your child's body like a physical object. That's how it felt. Except that I'm a 28 year old. I know it wasn't him. Because I had killed him. Those aren't him but still. Once you've done it it's over. He disrespected me yesterday. You know , when I said I showed myself to everyone to feel normal but that too was over. And they would be sucking reading my writing and act based on that. Suckers. {I sleep for a while and I got a dream} It is acceptable. Seconds. I called his child name and then I saw him . Like back then we played a lot. And then he gave me a perfume through my sister. What I actually wanna write is 11:56am 9:30pm I feel very inward right now. My heart is . Idk. 11:17 I saw like some topic in this forum or some post that are relevant or equal to my life . But I hadn't done anything about it or take action . So idk if that's already done for or not. 1:42am they keep trying to make me wear that old clothes while stealing the others. I see I wore a white and then red old clothes from the past. Really scary. +Idk.+ What I truly wanted to say was: 5:01 I said I want to keep whatever was left of me*. Yesterday. 5:49 i hv felt very empty now. 6:03 I only like my f's voice somehow. I'd rather listen to music when it's somebody else. Idk. Maybe it wasn't usually like this. * Now I've lost it. 923 I see some people died yesterday. So I don't like it. Yesterday.

I love my kind of suffering back then. Not anything like now. Like being a deep sea creature then suddenly being emerged from the sea. It turns ugly. Or, like mining gold , or opening up an old grave. These aren’t good. It had all appeared in my dream. i hate how calm the world was right now. With the sound of nightingale. Because the people are, the system are ugly. The minds. Tomorrow they will kill each other again.

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X Something really weird is going on.

//3:17am 28th Nov 2024//