Annie

@Fitness Model You don't kiss?! Well if I were you I'd change that as soon as possible because that - for me at least - is a very important part of intimacy, it will make a huge difference I promise you. If he avoids is ask him why.

I'm having a couple of childhood traumas of being unwanted, excluded and neglected. Examples: I have been told by my parents at one point that having two children really is enough - I am their third child; my father nearly died due to an accident when I was just 4 months old, therefore my mother had other things than me on her mind; they were business owners and business came before family; both my (much) older sisters get along great, they act like I don't exist, they meet up regularly and simply exclude me; I've always had skin problems which didn't make me look exactly pretty, children in Kindergarten didn't even want to give me their hands much less play with me; nobody showed up to my birthday-parties; I don't have many friends; I have no support with my two small children from any family member (never even once offered to babysit so hubby and I could have quality couple time or anything like that); I'm super insecure and fear my hubby trading me for someone else and I'm extremely jealous which I is a trait I hate about me. He's a great person and I never want to lose him yet I keep sabotaging the relationship all the time. I don't understand why this is happening and what I can do about it. I'm desperate. I know there is no quick fix but I need help. I carry around those demons of the past with me where ever I go and I can't seem to get rid of them.

@Fitness Model I have been married for 13 years now, we have 2 small children and our sex life was great at first, then became boring, then almost inexistent and now we're back "on track" after my libido was extremely low (had never been super high but never thaaaat low). What worked for me to finally get things going again was something so simple it's almost ridiculous. Do you ever look into each others eyes when you have sex? Have you ever had an orgasm with your eyes wide open looking into his? I swear to you it's the hottest thing there is!

I am very grateful for all of your kind words and advice, thank you very much! @OWL I do understand everyone's born perfect. Have you by any chance ever read “The continuum concept” by Jean Liedloff? It explains in great detail how easily infants become traumatized. A very interesting read which I highly recommend if you're interested in early childhood trauma (and it should be a must read for all parents-to-be!) I will definitely do that exercise, thank you very much! @Leo Gura Actually on my last big “outburst” (I'll just call it that for lack of a better word) I became aware of what was happening. However a huge fight between me and my hubby had already broken out with no way of going back. He's still extremely mad and barely talks to me a week later. On the good side I now finally understand what my feelings are which trigger me to get me into another “outburst”. Only took me about 10 years...

I've been dealing with this issue for years now... It's not that I don't have any sex drive but it's rather low I admit. It probably is rooted in my first sexual experience at age 16 which came close to being abused (not raped in the "classical" sense but, as weird as it may sound, rather tricked into it and when it was about to happen I changed my mind because I was freaked out about it and I didn't want it to happen with that guy (a guy I knew but were never in a relationship with or interested in). To make a long story short: it happened anyway even though I said no. Two years after that I slept with my now husband and our relationship has had more downs than ups in the past 14 years. He showed me that sex can be very enjoyable and I admire the patience he's brought up for me, he supported me a lot to overcome my issues. When we have sex it's good, but I have a problem. He's very into sex, me not that much. I'm not even sure how to explain this. My drive just isn't that high. It's not like he demands it every day, he doesn't want weird things I wouldn't be into. We talk pretty open about what we like and want to try and what not so that's not a problem. Yeah I could try to blame my lack of interest on our two small children that can drain my energy at times but that's not it because the problem has always existed. I don't know what to do anymore because things have gotten so much out of hand over the years that I'm seriously afraid he might leave me. He wouldn't cheat, I am quite certain, he would simply leave. Obviously there are other issues in the relationship as well but this is the main one that could help "fix" the others because he would be more at ease. I just can't seem to overcome myself, I can't seem to get myself in the mood of being interested. To be honest, sometimes I just have sex with him because it is my "duty" as a wife. But I don't want to do that, I want to want to have sex with him. Any ideas to boost my sex drive? Maybe hormonal supplements, anything? I'm very grateful for any kind of answer. Thank you!

I'm basically looking for some ideas to spice things up a bit and become inspired. What do you like in bed? What would you like to try?

@99th_monkey You are not alone, I feel the same! I have two small children who put me through the biggest tests of patience so I'm usually quite drained at the end of the day and I'm also trying to figure out how to do this best.

@Will I'm just asking this not because of any issues in particular, I just want to try something new. After 10+ years it's good and necessary to do so I believe, neither one should become bored. I have all of my partner's support by the way. He told me "we'll do anything you want" @Sarah_Flagg Toys are a definite yes so are blindfolding and tying up. Record it, done that too I never role played, never even knew how to approach this to be honest so I don't know if it would be something to try or not. What do you guys (and gals) think about watching Porn with your partner? What about masturbating in front of each other?

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.” - Hermann Hesse With those words in mind it's a bit easier to deal with weird situations because it reminds you that people's "hate" towards you doesn't neccessarily have anything to do with you directly.

Yes, that's what I mean Thanks for your input.

Don't think about it, just do it! I quit about 8 years ago and I couldn't be happier!

Quit facebook. Don't watch TV. Go outside every day at least 30-60 Minutes, regardless of the weather. Read to my children every day at least 10 Minutes. It's not really a hack but it's a good habit Eat as healthy as possible.

I don't cook in bulk like that since I like everything as fresh as possible but I cook mostly with a rice cooker or crock pot to save a lot of time.

Eggs fried in a lot of butter (with a strip of bacon every now and then) or Oatmeal.

@Baby Totally understand what you're saying, I'm kind of the same. Not each month is the same but how to deal with it, well, I try to be aware of what's happening and not lose my mind, try to be rational (not saying it works all the time but at least I'm trying ) Awareness is key. I absolutely agree with @Rosie and if you're on birth control you should look into that as part of the issue as well.

I've lived in Mexico (Baja California and Mexico City) and I can only recommend to visit, it's a beautiful country and I can't wait to get back there and explore it some more.

@Rudolflores I used to blame myself for that event for a loooong time but eventually I forgave myself for having taken different steps that eventually led to the situation (not the situation itself and how it turned out may I add). Over the years I've actually grown from it since it changed me in such ways that I ended up benefitting. His and my path actually crossed a couple of months ago, almost bumped into each other in a grocery store and when he noticed me he had this expression in his face of fear and shame as if he was the victim. I can't say that I don't care anymore about this but I've gotten over it I'd say, as weird as it may be. However I won't ever forgive him because he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. But yes, it has affected me in a very negative way for a very long time of course but by now that is not the case anymore.

I have had a long distance relationship over a period of about 4 years and it is really really hard but not impossible (In my case it worked.) but you have to be certain you want to be together. If there's a possibility of seeing each other every 3 months or so that's great, it gives you something to look forward to, keeps your spirits up, trust me! I had to wait much longer periods than that, 6-12 months most times and it felt even longer than that but it was worth it. Talk to each other and find out if you are both serious about each other. If so just do it! :) If you both really want to make it work out then you will.

I don't find it disgusting to be with someone with the same nationality, however I do understand your point of view for the most part. I did date some guys of my nationality (German) when I was a teen but I was always drawn to foreigners, they seemed less boring. I ended up marrying a foreigner. A friend of mine always said he'll never ever marry someone his nationality, always dated foreigners for the most part but ended up marrying a girl of his own nationality. I guess you'll end up with whomever is the right one, regardless of the nationality. Are you drawn to any nationality in particular?

Of course it won't solve deeper issues but there's nothing wrong with a little help. Besides I've read Maca, apart from having many health benefits, also helps with PMS so it would be a double-help ;)

@Niki I've actually heard about Maca recently (though unrelated to this topic) so I'll definitely look into this. How much do you consume? @Anna It's rather difficult to get couple-time but I'll try harder to find a solution for this. Thank you for the links!

Thank you for your replies! Emotional intimacy is lacking a lot lately, we're both quite stressed with work/children. We haven't had any "couple-time" in 5 years (there is nobody to take care of the children so we could go out on a date night night or something and baby sitters are not an option for us). So we're kind of stuck in a routine and I am stuck in my head in many ways. Once we actually are having sex it's great, my problem is getting there... This attraction, this feeling of wanting to be all over the other one, this spark you get in the beginning of the relationship isn't there anymore and I want it back, or at least somethin similar. Something that really makes me think "I really want to have sex with him now". At the end of the day I'm just tired and unmotivated.