Today ,I was with 2 of my childhood friends : Andrew and Smith after 1 year and it was a real moment of acceptance at its best. And because of this acceptance, the cool breeze of peace was flowing through my heart. Here is the whole story :
I always used to spend my time with 2 of my childhood friends, Andrew and Smith but internally, I was always hurt or emotionally disturbed because of my own mind. The problem was that Andrew was very mature kind of a person and he was never seemed to be stuck in his relationship problems or ego problem. It seemed to me like Andrew has really good mind and my MIND should be like Andrew's. He never has ego problems but I have. He never takes anything on his heart but I take everything on my heart and I could be easily hurt by anyone. So, I always tried to behave like I am a mature guy like Andrew, like I don't care about any bad comments made about me, like I don't care about anything , like I am so strong person, but I always knew that internally I am suffering even more while doing this.
Another friend was Smith. Smith is very stingy kind of person. He is richest of the three of us. He always tries to save money and always talks of money and in his heart, nothing is more important that money. So, I never wanted to be like him, because I always thought like I don't want to be a heartless guy like Smith who has value only for money and not for friendship or relationship.
Whenever we all three used to sit together and drink, I was the one who used to speak from heart and always tried to accept negative points of his friends , specially Smith. Andrew was able to save himself from most of his negativities of life because of his high level of maturity and Smith was able to save himself from most of his negativities because of his too much adherence of himself and his life and his money etc...But I was always stuck with my mind. I was not able to save myself from the negativities of my life and emotional hurts because I was not mature enough like Andrew and i was not self centered like Smith. Between these two childhood friends, I always felt like a rejected guy that was a negative point for his friends and his family ... So, I was always like a poor, unhappy and helpless guy tortured with his own mind. I could not tell my problems to anyone, because noone listened to me and never cared about my feelings, not even my sister or mother
I was the guy who was suffering the most internally. So, I started meditating after watching a meditation video of Leo, and it has been now 8 months since i starting meditating and i meditate every single day for atleast 40 minutes and meditation has changed my mind internally. I can very much feel this now.
I was out of touch of these two friends of mine from past 1 year because my internal sufferings were growing more and more and I was unable to enjoy their presence any more. I was tired of the problems of my mind. So, I was trying to stay away from them and from every social thing like partying or going for picnic etc...
Today, after 1 year, I met to Andrew and Smith again. We were enjoying the party and taking alcohol. Andrew and Smith started to quarrel with each other badly and started blaming each other for enormous number of things. The fight was turning really ugly. I was thinking that they might attach each other. So, my heart beat was also going up. But today, I saw that only my body was trying to show reaction to this quarrel by sweatening and pumping up heart beat and being anxious, but internally my mind was in so much peace, that at that time of quarrel, I was blissed out with the feeling of love for both of them.
Today, I could not say if my heart loved Andrew more or Smith more (though my mind likes Andrew more as he has a mature mind) but my heart was producing love for both of them equally. When I was trying to quite both of them, Smith even said some bad words about me and I was really amazed that my mind was not reacting to those negative emotions thrown by Smith. I still had same level of feeling of love for him after listening to bad words from him about me.
Andrew respects me always more than Smith. Today Andrew was blaming Smith and Smith was blaming me for all negativities between all the three of us, but I did not have any feeling of hatred for any of them and there was equal love in my heart for both of them irrespective of their attitude towards me.
I was amazed by feeling that so much of negativities were coming at me but my mind was not catching them. They were blaming me so much specially Smith, and I had so much love for Smith like I could start weeping for him out of my love for him. But somehow I was controlling my emotions and my love for both of them and I didn't express it infront of them. Even I shouted sometimes on both of them, but it was just to control the situation and stop their quarrel. Internally, I was so much blissed out of love and compassion that I was almost weeping internally but I didn't show it externally.
So, today I felt the power of no-self. I was able to feel the great extent of love and compassion for my negative friends without caring what they were thinking or saying about me. I was feeling like consciousness(Smith) is fighting with consciousness(Andrew and me) and consciousness(me) is wathing itself fighting with itself and this was producing so much love and so much bliss that it was really really heart touching. Thankfully, the quarrel was vanished at last and both Andrew and Smith were quite in the last.
So, today i saw that something inside me can produce so much love, happiness and joy. Today i saw that mind was unable to give me suffering as I was hearing bad words from Smith. I fully accepted whatever Smith was saying about me, even though if it was wrong and bad because I didn't care about my reputation or my position among friends. So much of bliss was there that I was not caring about my reputation. Only love was sprouting constantly. So, today I felt like my mind lost and I won. My mind was unable to give me suffering after hearing bad words about myself, it didn't even try to give me suffering or feeling of insult or feeling of disgrace. Only love was there nothing else.
Now a days, I feel like I have found the love and bliss of life. I have found myself and I feel like I am no one. When I was a person, I was surrounded by so much mental pain and suffering of relationships, insults, egostic prblems, but now too much of love and joy and happiness is there that sometimes I am unable to handle it and I start weeping when I am alone.
I feel like nature is embracing me in to its arms and I am fulfilled. A feeling of completeness and eternal love is in my heart. Its like I can almost feel the eternal God and eternal love around me and both of these are not different than me
When I see plants or trees, I feel so much bliss and love. When I look at dark clouds, I feel bliss and love. When I ask myself who am I, I feel love and compassion. When I ask myself where I am, where are my boundries, I can't find my boundries (because the body is not me) and at that time, I feel so much love, so much happiness that sometimes its almost unbearable and tears try very hard to come out of my eyes.
I am sorry if I was going off topic in the end, but I have tried to tell everything that is inside my heart.
If there is something with which I can help anybody, to achieve this state, it will be my pleasure
Let there be peace and love among all living beings
With love,
PK
