theleelajoker

Wow, only a few words that to me hit the mark so well! Looking at some of my past behavior and certain behavior of others, I clearly recognize this. Especially the last one: To people without highly developed personality, it is actually super appealing! They can't see through the fog surrounding this dominant person and all her/his insecurities. I often see how girls are attracted to it and feel often very sorry for them. They mistake dominance for confidence and self-love. One can see what's coming miles ahead but they can't - they walk just right into it their doom...

@Moksha Thx for your words. Once certain things are realized I often think "how could I not see it before? How was it actually possible to miss this for such a long time?" I like the fish in the water asking "what water?" analogy fits so well! Will be good for me to keep in mind that realizing the water around me is not a one-time thing. Looking back how often I already had this feeling it seems to go on very often for a very long time or maybe even infinite.

After a few weeks (that feel like a lifetime) have passed I want to share some experiences and conclusions I made since my first post: I went to 3 day vipassana reatreat, this time with different mindset and the simple intention to relax and let go no matter what This meant e.g. I went against the instructions (be "perfectly equanimous" - which just created pressure if you are not "perfect") , some parts of the daily schedule, mediation instructions and other small things that did not "feel right" to me Findings (= My opinion, not saying these are fact. Happy to discuss) The vipassana technique is great, the teachings aren't. They are repressive, just as said before by @Breakingthewall The mind is nothing that needs to be controlled or worked against - it's just doing its job, even trying to help. As soon as I not only observed thoughts but welcomed them with a friendly curiosity, many things clicked. And at some point the mind was super calm without any effort. There was a crazy point where I was "empty" and there were no more thoughts to be thought. No pressure, no force, no effort - just everything that wanted to be thought by the mind was already expressed. The mind tries to help but can only project the future from past experiences. Sometimes this helps (fire was hot yesterday - fire hurt - better not touch fire today) and there was a time where thoughts/emotions/ behavior by the mind made 100% sense. It was adequate in the context of a certain point of time. But since things change all the times, we need to learn when to follow the suggestions of the mind and when not to. But not by fighting it - rather by treating the mind (i.e. one part of us --> ourselves) gently like we would treat our own child ("look, I know why you think that. I understand why. I appreciate your suggestion. But you see, things have changed because...") Following this, there is nothing about the mind that's need to be purified or even controlled - it just needs to be integrated A key information was the "inner family system" (e.g. different parts of our psyche / personality) that people wrote about here. No matter what, integrate it - it's yourself after all. This applies on psychological level, but also on the big picture: If we are all just parts of the "godhead" - I am bothered by another person's behavior, I am bothered by my "own" behavior. This person is simply the "external extension" of one of my own parts of my personality (see also the "mirror laws") Same goes with any pain. Someone else wrote in this forum "the pain signal is the healing signal" (can't remember who did) and it is so true Point no 7 applies to any emotional or physical pain. Just feeling it with curiosity, welcoming it makes it not only go away. It makes me free. (physical meaning in this context pain e.g. from meditation sitting, not pain like "I just broke my leg in a car accident") As I changed, and stopped trying to change others, they started to change. I almost could not believe my eyes and ears but clearly could see it in other peoples behavior. Tat tvam asi -you are it. Always. In every daily interaction, thoughts, struggle, conflict. It is all there because "I" want it to happen. So why fight it? Having this thought in mind helps me tremendously to avoid suffering (oc, I still have pain etc - but right now I don't suffer over suffering as much as I did). Learning and applying the points above as best as I can I feel as "good" (meaning balanced, calm, equanimous) as I have never before. Happy to hear opinions on this!

Thx for writing this. I started reading about IFS and all I am thinking is .."oh" It's just like you said - meditation helps to see parts. I also feel the blockages, chakras etc - when reading through your post, it all connects for me . Thanks. Don't ever judge any of those parts - that's at least what I learned for me. Never ever do it, even those parts that feel like they distract you from IFS. I do my best to always welcome it with curiosity. That's the big revelation from my last meditation retreat.

Nice words. Especially the quote above is something I am just starting to grasp through experience.

I often wondered what is actually my "intuition" and what are thoughts that I might mistake for intuition (or vice versa). I can't say in your case, but what helps me is that thoughts easily change over time while my intuition ("gut feeling") usually stays. To find out keep in touch with what you ponder about. I am optimistic that sooner or later you will know.

Thank you Moskha, again your words do resonate with me. A lot of points you make that seem just right for me in this moment. I feel that some things in my mental structure and approach to life are shifting through the recent experiences and the conversation here. I also feel that if I am not careful, conscious and determined then I might fall back to the old pattern. Just like you described in the litmus test about re-attaching. And I also have the feeling that here all the dots connect: meditation to recognize if and what kind of expectations I build up with my conscious or unconscious mind / thoughts, "the absolute will" that Breakingthewall talked about to get free of the trap while not repressing or judging anything and finally the total game of transient trophies, false promises and false happiness outside of myself. I look forward to this challenge: "using" my mind and my intellect to still do the things in life that I feel like doing (professional goals, family, etc.) but at the same time not building or clinging to any expectation. I like "do not demand the impossible of it" because that is what I (subconsciously) did all the time. And it is so damn funny because it is so simple, so obvious, you can read it everywhere and I even talk about it myself. But I really needed the suffering, the desperation of the last weeks to feel and integrate this truth a bit deeper. Finally I would like to share that I did feel a bit of the light yesterday, walking in the park. Being free of expectation as much as I could all the heaviness of the last weeks was gone, disappeared into nothing. Instead there was a lightness in both my steps and in my mind. I was just happy and content with what is. Did not even want to do anything, just being. When I woke up today, I felt a bit more heaviness again. But I did not judge or loose my calm - instead I am thinking: "And so the game begins again" This time, however, I feel much better prepared to play. @axiom@Breakingthewall@Moksha you all contributed towards this feeling - thank you.

In this moment, I wonder why you think she would do this. Are there signs she might do that? Or are you "seeing" signs that might not be there? (fears / or self sabotage might come into play. Too little information for me to form an opinion on that just putting out the possibility) Is she would do this - forcing choices with an ultimatum is imo not a good idea. If she likes you, she likes you the way you are. Including your "quest for awakening". If she wants you to change I would wonder: Does she like an "expected" version of you that exists in her head only?

In my experience two things are crucial: Trust and Listening. Trust your intuition, not your thoughts. Trust her if your intuition tells you to. Listening is - imo - another absolute superpower in relationships. Listen with the intent to understand what she really wants to express. If you are not sure if you do understand, don't make assumptions (thoughts can be a trap here) but ask respectful questions. Do the same not only for her, but for yourself.

Thank you for the poem. And the suffering & purpose - yes, I understand this more and more on a experiential level. Intellectually I "knew" that but can't really "know" without really experiencing it (I like the term Gnosis for that) I just (re-)discovered this: Few days ago I had a big fight with my girlfriend and was super scared to the idea of breaking up, loosing all we build, the idea of a family etc. I was so attached to this but at some point I was able let go of and said "OK, then it's not meant to be". Crying a lot in this process of burning away these attachments and fears. And also showing these emotions in front of others (showing vulnerability is/was another fear of mine). To my own surprise, I realized letting me feel this pain and expressing it helped me a lot. I was calm and (mostly) in peace with things next time we talked. When I basically had given up the hope to make this work, at some point we both were just able to let go. Almost as if we pressed a magical button labeled "let go". I was able to talk with her openly, including my fears. We made up and I feel the connection stronger than ever before. And although I can't say or know for sure, I have the strong feeling that she had a very similar, a basically mirrored process as I did. Only in a more intuitive (female?) way instead of the logical, rational way I am approaching this (e.g. like discussing things like "suffering", "mind" and "reality" with people like you in this forum )

What you are saying does resonate. I still see value in the Vipassana approach, but there was some imbalance in my way of interpreting and doing it. I believe I got too deep into the "calm your mind" attitude (repression) and too little into the expression of what I am thinking / feeling. The consequence was trying to do something with force, just as you said. And the result was repression and the result of that was feeling shitty, to be blunt. I very often had the feeling of experiencing life as a game. Can you please elaborate a bit more about what you wrote here "you have to unravel its secret, it's like a game." For instance, how you go about playing this game? Triptamine is not an option right now. I do psychedelics but currently its more about integration of my previous experience (mushrooms) before going on another trip. On a side note: The "trap" you talk about reminds me of the Samadhi documentaries. IMO absolutely worth watching. This feels so true right now. I tried to avoid suffering - or what I called "unnecessary suffering". In my mind, there was a logic of some suffering that is necessary to learn and some suffering that I can simply avoid. I thought "hey just do the right things (meditation, sports, be present as much as possible, active social life etc) then I can eliminate "unnecessary suffering" and only necessary suffering remains. I see now that there seems to be a flaw in this logic. 1) How do I know which one is necessary, which is not? 2) Whatever it maybe, I resist suffering. I resist what is. Which does not sound like a good plan at all

I just processing your replies. Thanks for that. I think something is starting to click. 1. Things happen (or seem to); 2. The self (which is entirely illusory) then tries to claim the apparent happening as its own. It believes it either brought it about, or that it somehow owns it. Of course, this is completely untrue because the self does not actually exist I understand "claim the happening" as I am building up a story how it happens, the causalities, what I did etc. ? Is that what people talk about in "do nothing" meditation? I think I am starting to get what you say. I often had the feeling, that I bring myself to this point of anxiety etc just that my suffering becomes so strong, that I have no choice but to let go. I had this experience once during my vipassana retreat. This makes so much sense. What I do not understand is your point about will. I thought "will" = mental activity and thus effort and creating disbalance. Like the analogy with waves in a pond. All of you - thanks a lot for your comments. I already feel much calmer. Facing some of my biggest fears helped. Just feeling things instead of being afraid to feel. And then it is not as bad I thought it would be

Hello Mosksha and axion, thanks for replying. It already helps a little bit, if only that it feels like someone else can somehow relate and even took a few moments to reply. I feel like I am in a very deep emotional crisis, depressed and anxious so every little thing helps. I know it will pass. I just don't feel it yet.

Can someone relate?

By having fun. All the things you listed can create pressure if you leave off the fun

My personal favorite answer to this I heard from a friend: The world is not the way it is because the way it is now, it is the "best place". It is how it is because the way it is now, it is "the best place to learn what we are supposed to learn".