Journey

Wonder: Many nightmares drawing from my perceived past, but where is it? Today, I am joyous.

Wonder: My dreams are all over the place lately. I think the mind is trying to process some things, with all the changes lately. I had some ideas for a project I've been working on almost spontaneously. And I connected some dots between a course I was considering and a huge potential value for me longterm. More specifically, I realized that my web design skills could be useful in sharing information, blogging, and furthering my circle of influence, regardless of how I choose to manifest my life purpose. Watching these for now: Key Insights from the Video that Resonated with Me: 1. Passion > Money 2. Inner Growth > Societal Status 3. Do not stay loyal to a dysfunctional family member. 4. Do not surround yourself with dysfunctional company who denies your life purpose. Fitness: This beginner yoga and meditation practice guided me to connect with the greater self, which is always here: All the Rest: "And you...revolution or just resistance? Is it living, or just existence?" "Steely-eyed outside to hide the enemy within" Big Vision: Today, I reached out to an old friend who continues to express a profound joy both in word and action. This friend is someone who has also taken tangible, continual action towards their intended life purpose. I am looking forward to discovering more and connecting authentically with those who are living from a place of love. Slow down. Savor. Honor. Recognize. All around.

23 and timeless

This was the book that really lit the fire under me and got me acting, after experiencing several epiphanies. I highly recommend it. Well written with many core points for those involved with actualization.

Awareness and sharing our overflowing love.

@Diane Great to how things are evolving and changing for you, Diane, especially your appreciation of the moment. Carry on, friend!

@Roman Hello, friend. Can you elaborate some on "my self is looking for alternative ways of living?" A new lifestyle? A new life purpose? A new state of awareness? Are you wondering about what else to do or act on now that you have those two grounding practices established?

Electronic Detox: I thought I would miss my consoles a lot today. I didn't. As for my cellphone, I was able to sort my apps into folders so what I need is easy to find and there is more intentional. I also now have a great way to hide all the junk apps I don't use but come with the device. I put Zzz for all the apps I'm "sleeping on" and so it goes at the end of my alphabetical. Here's an image showing how I organized the folders: I am looking for an android app to block all notifications easily on demand perhaps by time of day so if you have one let me know! I was able to sort through my web bookmarks as well and create some clear categories so I can more easily reference information that is important to me such as meal ideas, guided yoga practices, and articles. I am looking for a Mac application to block specific sites and programs as well. Wonder: It becomes simpler. No need to feed the ego any longer. Never was a need, but it sure seemed hungry. Now looking closer, there is no one even there. Something was in that cage, I swore it... something that must be satiated and defended, I thought. No longer. Fitness: The exhale of yoga was welcome today. A joyous return. I am building my fitness routine this week to incorporate both yoga and heavy compound exercises, with some guidance. I will have my form checked and refined in the coming weeks, as I build my strength and leave behind fat. Diet: Feeling full but not heavy. Just enough. Meal preparation has been a welcome addition. There is a relief in both learning and applying knowledge in this area to treat the body with more love. I will work with an accountability partner and with guidance as I evolve my diet. Big Vision: Today I will be exploring. What are people doing in the world today? What connects deeply with my values? What reflects a lifestyle oriented towards the planet or the universe as a whole, versus the preservation of the ego? What aspects do I want to emulate? How can I contribute? All the Rest: "As I look back at countless crossroads And the middle where I stay"

@misko55 Glad to hear it and you're welcome. Peace for now, friend.

@misko55 How exciting, friend! How is letting go of gaming going? In this video, Leo challenged me to take the next steps: In regard to writing, one of the steps you can take is to find people who have already achieved what you desire. Who are the writers that inspire you? What was the path that they took? Can you find any interviews or directly contact them for more information? Of course, you will adapt and have your own path but it can clarify what skills may be important or you can prevent some common pitfalls. Here's an insightful video on the topic:

I desire not to desire..

Electronic Detox: Sold many consoles and games today, though I few remained as I was missing parts (wires, extra discs, etc) so I will rummage through the garage to find these, then head back once more to get rid of them. These items were harder to get rid of than any of my other items because so much of my identity was tied to gaming. Big Vision: There is a sense of trepidation now. There are options ahead and I sway back and forth on them. I feel obligated to the people who have tried to help me, though I feel certain that I no longer want to walk that path towards a traditional career. I fear giving up my status and security. I fear regret. The work for this no-longer desired path now feels like drudgery. I put off responding to the messages from this group. How will I justify myself? Will they try to talk me out of it? How firm am I in my decision, when the details are still up in the air? I want to live out my life purpose and live compassionately, live lovingly. To fully align with my intuition and inner values. My current path greatly contradicts both. The aim is consumerism. The aim is money and popularity and glamor. It is a strong force and one that I do not want to buy into any further. I want to let go, but I do not want to greatly injure or face the rejection of those on that path. So I am caught in this in-between.. The greater self has no fear, yet the ego clings tightly here. Who is here? Who is left? I wanted a system. I wanted order. I wanted certainty when all is changing.

@misko55 Are you passionate about writing? Do you have something you want to share with the world?

What are the roots behind my symptoms of compulsory and escapist actions? I feel that for a long time I could not see how I would mesh at all with society, so I locked into a subculture of what has been termed "stereotypical rebellion." While perhaps the intention there or curiosity there is strong, it was fairly stereotypical with markers of the ego meaning altered appearance and addiction to short bursts of "happiness." I wanted to cope with my ongoing anxiety surrounding my lack of acceptance so I thought this would yield results and give me a place to belong, but the values did not align nor was there anywhere much to go with it - no role models, no big dreams. The main dream was to give up on the existing dream and pressures of society. Even now I return to look for the approval and acceptance so my ego might have a sense of worth, instead of an overwhelming joy of being. I will be pondering this more today, especially as I try to align myself to greater purpose. I will be watching and considering these: Peace.

@misko55 Thank you, friend. You are correct on "better late than never." Do not let your sense of regret tie you to the past. You are here now to take bold action. One of the key insights I read the other day was that it isn't enough to just break our bad habits, we must replace them with new positive ones that align with our big vision - we must choose what to focus on now. The joy of walking my new path far exceeds the pain of not playing the games, or the joy of playing them, so the burden is lifted.

Here is my end-of-day update as I prepare for my evening meditation and sleep. Electronic Detox: I am losing my compulsion to play games as I am finding more energy and joy in other places. I am having some difficulties with my cellphone. My plan was to check it twice a day for messages (email, text, social) but I typically use it for my guided meditations and music. There may be an app or means similar to an airplane mode that will help with this. I will explore this more tomorrow. Home Declutter: I dropped off my donation items today so my space is clear. I will seek to clear away any remaining items and make a decision on my gaming consoles. I intend to price check them and list them for sale, if I am going to get rid of them. Diet: I am joyous about this area. I was able to cook my meals and gather some ingredients for vegetarian meals today, while staying in my budget. I aim to transition to a fully vegetarian diet over the next week and then test some vegan meals. Something that struck me the other day was hearing that the consciousness has no species. Consciousness is not human or animal. While I cannot say for sure of course that I know the the correlation between the consciousness of an animal in comparison to a human, I can say that I desire to treat all of the universe with kindness. I want my diet to be a reflection of that. Fitness: I took the leap. I went to the gym today for 45 minutes for some compound lifting and isolated lifting to build my arm, shoulder, and core strength. I would like to implement a yoga segment as well to work on my range of motion. Tomorrow, I will add in a 20 minute yoga segment. Sleep: Although I didn't get to sleep until a little later than I anticipated, I woke up a bit early. There was a jackhammer going outside. I tried to look at this as a positive and humorous thing, rather than be upset by it. I had some peculiar dreams though I've forgotten them now. (No Finance or Mindfulness/Meditation updates) The Big Vision: I spoke to a mentor today about my "big question." She was very encouraging and showed me some examples of people who have taken a path of giving based in creativity, arts, and design. I am still wrestling with my desire for status, security, and validation. I want to accept myself fully, so I do not give so much weight to the opinions of the doubters. I suspect that connecting more directly with a supportive community will accelerate my journey (like this forum.) I am greatly considering Leo's Life Purpose course at this stage. All the Rest: I am joyously exhausted today. I was able to accomplish everything I intended to except actually working on my creative project. I lack the drive in this area because I feel it does not match, if not actually contradicts my vague hints of my big vision. This contradiction creates both frustration and fuel for me to find a path that aligns with my intuition and passions. Life feels different now.

I'll post more this evening but I wanted to share something while it is fresh. This is a recount of my meditation experience. As always, I am open to any insights, comments, or questions on this. Thank you, friends. Mindfulness/Meditation: I went into my evening meditation with little expectation. After all, I had meditated many times before and nothing too "extraordinary happened" so I had was bordering cynicism. During this meditation experience, I realized how deeply the self's need for both permission and approval goes. Searching for this green light to follow what the intuition already knew and has known through all of this. I felt I needed a credible source, a wise nod, a fact-checked system. But why? This phrase repeated over and over: "There's no 'I' to lose." When the greater self lets go of the ego, what is there left to lose? I can lose my status in a society. I can lose my sense of wellbeing or security. I can lose my money. I can seem to lose "my" love, though I know it is always here. So what is left? Why must the ego act to constantly protect and shield and hinder experience and presence? Is the mind and the body the greater self's temporary chosen form or tool to manifest something? Is the ego a confusion of this or illusion, a tool attempting to fix a tool that needs no fixing at all? A tool's primary function in this metaphor is to fix something or alter something, that implies that there actually is something of importance to do here. Is that the case? Do tools imply chaos or that there are actually problems to be solved or is there another way to frame this? The "me" is a construct in the same way that one can see a painting of a human being and attribute it to a personality, to a soul, to a past, present future. That is as much the "me" as the "me" ego that the greater self sometimes identifies with. There was a great peace at this point, even as these questions rolled through and onward. There was a serenity both unfamiliar but familiar. That was perhaps the actual "permission/approval" that the "me" wanted here - the love and acceptance of the greater self.

Here's an update on my progress for today. I will likely be evolving my journal format as time progresses but here it is for now. Electronic Detox: No games today! Day 1 complete! I am debating selling or donating my gaming computer and remaining consoles. I have them all stored in a box at this point, so I will not easily access them to play. I used my phone a few times throughout the day to check my messages. I got caught up in a social feed for a few minutes but caught myself. I think in the future I can set different key points throughout the day to check my device. If I check my device in the morning or late evening, it derails my focus and schedule. Maybe I will try checking once in the late morning and once again in the early evening. I will test this tomorrow. Home Declutter: I removed all trash and recycle items from my home. I packaged all donation items to drop off tomorrow. I have a few items that are listed to sell or that I will be listing. I feel a large sense of relief. I will be combing through my remaining items in the next few weeks to remove anything that is still going unused. Now my challenge is to be more aware and intentional about the objects that I bring into my life, so as to not wind up with rooms full of unused objects once more. My new budget will help in this area. Diet: I stuck to my meal plans and even cooked some additional meals for this week. I began researching new recipes specifically those that are vegetarian and vegan. I will need to consider my budget and setting aside time to prepare my meals to ensure my sustained success. I would like to purchase some ingredients this weekend to try out some of the recipes. I am not sure how much water I drank but I estimate it to be about 5 glasses. I had a veggie drink and a black coffee as well. Fitness: I stuck to my fitness plan of 30+ minutes of light exercise with some weights, pushups, sit ups, squats, and playing around on a balance board. I will be heading to the gym 3-5 times a week starting tomorrow for more intense 45 minute workouts instead of lighter but more frequent ones. Mindfulness/Meditation: I am already noticing an extreme increase in my energy levels and alertness. I don't feel so caught up in thought. I think I will slowly ramp up my dedicated 20 minute morning and evening meditations. I also want to allow dedicated space for personal development (reading, videos, the forum, etc.) as I have a number of insightful resources now. I found great value in this video today: The Big Vision: I am still contemplating my "big purpose/vision" and I am considering Leo's Life Purpose course. Tomorrow, I will be speaking with a mentor on this topic. All the Rest: Tomorrow I'll be heading to receive a long overdue haircut. This is an extension of letting go of my past and making sure I leave room in my life to treat and maintain my body. As strange as it may sound, my long hair was a major part of my identity and my comfort blanket. It's time to boldly embrace change. (Chop away!) I intend to work on a creative project as well, so this will be a good chance to practice an "alert calmness" and openness to ideas throughout my creative process. I must remember not to become frustrated or critical of myself, as I am exploring a software program on a deeper level than I am used to. I became more aware of my ego's desire for acceptance, as I spoke to a family member about my decluttering process and views on looking for peace or joy in external possessions. I was met with frustration and my curiosity and sharing was perceived as a personal attack. I expected that the person would be overjoyed about my growth as they assured me often that they "just want me to be happy." I will work to let go of this expectation and keep on flowing. I cannot expect everyone to understand what I'm doing or why or to support my direction and I cannot slow or derail myself because of their negative feedback. I am always welcome to comments, questions, constructive feedback, and good conversation so feel free to reply. Thank you for reading and seeing a glimpse of my growth process. I am highly grateful to have found this community. Peace for now, my friend.

I may benefit from being more mindful about my inclination to multitask, which is actually just ineffectively switching between tasks. I can choose what I will focus on during specific times of the day and not switch back and forth between two or more tasks.

@Anicko Good day, my friend. When I was studying sociology in academia I learned about a concept called Dramaturgy that proposes the world is a stage and we are all actors, in that we are performing for an audience. Here are a few resources on the topic for your further exploration: 1. http://www.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/16569_Chapter_10.pdf 2. http://jrdougan.tripod.com/ 3. https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Sociological_Theory/Role_Theory Does this relate in any way to your experience? I feel that a lot of it is our sensing that others are not fully present in our conversations or interactions. They are merely going through the dialogue on auto-pilot. If this, then this. Maybe that is part of what you're picking up on or you've set up your own sort of script or system to respond to things so you interpret any stimuli through this lens. If you are trying to be perfect in all ways, that requires you to frame things as being successful and failures, as being correct or false entirely, so you may oversimplify the nuances of what someone is trying to communicate for the sake of turning it into a clear cut question with a clear cut question THAT you also know the answer to. And as an added bonus here's one of my favorite songs that goes "Your magic's real so why aren't you using it." I'm not quite clear on how the concept of magic relates to the idea of performance here, but here's the song anyways:

@Irina Irina It's a funny game we play! I kept so much stuff around, hoarding all these resources, when there are many without even their basic needs for shelter and clothing met. So I will continue to let go and hopefully my neglected objects can find use with another. Peace be with you, my friend.

Today I felt how deep my compulsion towards entertainment/gaming is, so I am trying to remain mindful and redirect my energy in a positive way. Electronic Detox: I have removed my gaming computer from my space but I found myself thinking "What about my handheld console? What about my old gaming systems? I can't get rid of those, right?" I try to make an exception for these games though they still have the same fundamental negative impact on me as the other games I already chose to avoid. In addition, I have stored away my mobile device in another room entirely in a drawer so it is not in an arm's reach any longer. No phone games either. Home Declutter: I am continuing to clear out my physical spaces. I have the basic items now set aside which I surely want to get rid of, but now I am combing back through the items that made it back into rooms. Does this add value? How would I feel if I got rid of this? I find a lot of the items somehow attempt to reflect my identity such as scale models that I have built or plushes of my favorite characters from games or little figurines. While I do really appreciate my scale models and respect the process as a meditative activity, I'm not sure what I should keep or even why it has become such a big issue for me now. My next steps are to continue removing the final few items at this stage, then packing up the donation items to drop off and making attempts to sell a few electronics. Diet: I have begun a new vegetable juicing routine and I am continuing to cook my own meals based on macronutrient values (https://legionathletics.com/flexible-dieting/) I am completely removing soda and other sugary drinks and sweets in favor of good ole water, veggie juice, and the occasional black coffee (though that may get the boot as well.) I have a dedicated reusable water bottle that I will be keeping full and with me throughout my day. I am removing the overly processed food from my diet. I'm actively researching a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle. I don't eat much meat to begin with, nor do I crave it, so I see this as a reasonable shift, with a bit of research and determination. Fitness: I have a light fitness routine going but I would like to be more intentional about it. There is a gym nearby that I have access to but have not visited in years. I do have some weights and a balance board at home, so I am contemplating what a good system might look like for me. For now I am practicing a minimum of 30 minutes a day of light exercise no matter my schedule or timing. This is mainly broken up into 3 different 10 minute sessions throughout my day. My goal is to respect my body to ensure that I can continue to enjoy life to the fullest extent without physical pain or lethargy. I have been within a healthy weight for several years now, but I am focused instead on becoming a fit and strong individual. I feel frail and easily find myself exerted when I even slightly alter my activity levels. I'll continue to track and build my habit. Sleep: I was previously staying up until about 3 am nightly to either game or finish some academic assignments. I was waking up around 11 am. While I don't identify as a "morning person" I think I could see benefits from more intentionally sleeping and enjoying the beauty of daytime (aka feeling sunlight and nature more often). I now aim to sleep before midnight, even if that means I lay there for a few hours before sleeping. I must make sure not to keep my mobile device or electronics or even books by my bed or I will likely become caught up in these instead of easing into sleep. Finances: I didn't think I "needed" a budget and I didn't think I had enough income to justify it. That led to a lot of mindless spending that was revealed during my home declutter process. I had bought multiples of many items or much more than I needed. I am working now to get rid of all my existing debt, though I have a car payment looming over my head currently. I am building a safety, putting aside money for future rent or home purchase, and adding to a retirement fund. I have rebuilt my monthly spending budget taking away all the "wants" minus those which I currently use to grow and operate as a designer such as Adobe Creative Cloud, my domain name, and my design club subscriptions. My Finance Resources: 1. Money Podcast: 2. Retirement Planning Article: http://www.theminimalists.com/retirement/#tools 3. Need, Want, Like Article: http://www.theminimalists.com/want/ 4. Saving/Investment Tool: https://www.betterment.com/ 5. Budgeting Tool: https://www.everydollar.com/ Mindfulness/Meditation: With my newly found free time (after giving up gaming) I have resumed my 20 minute morning meditation and I intend to do my nightly reflection and 20 minute evening meditation as well. I previously built a morning and nighttime ritual so I am going to look back through my old notes and revise those. I notice myself today getting caught up in a train of thought or going down a rabbit hole of actions for the sake of achievement without really considering the "Why?" I will work more with this and remain compassionate and accepting towards myself. I best not let my critical mind beat myself up over this. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. The Big Vision: When studying the topic of motivation through Leo's videos and others, I realized I do not have a clear larger purpose to contribute positively to others using my current skills and knowledge. I am trained as a graphic designer. While I feel a personal sense of flow when I am designing, I know my creative thinking and imagination can be used for something much greater. In many traditional "career paths" design is used to fuel impulsive materialism, which I have a deep ethical guilt about. It's not about the money. Life is so much more than products and services. We face tremendous issues as a society and as a planet, that we can affect positively using our imagination and our willpower.

@Irina Irina It is amazing how much of our identity and memories can get wrapped up in items we barely even see, let alone actually use!

@Irina Irina Best of wishes and luck to you, my friend. I noticed your example about looking for the perfect lover to seek fulfillment and it reminded me of another one of Leo's videos on real growth. Take a look if you haven't already:

@TheFrown Best of luck to you, my friend. I struggle too with this inner critic. At first I used this criticism and judgement as a motivation for my actions to keep myself "in line". Makes me sound more like a prison guard than a loving existence. One of the liberating thoughts for me was realizing that I had placed so much weight and value on failure versus "success". I tried to avoid failure at all costs because I felt it threatened my safety. I did not want to be judged by others, so I judged myself emotively. I was scared to express the I and just be. I was resisting the flow of the universe and the ups and downs of life itself. Sealing ourselves in a cage does not bring enlightenment.