woohoo123

This is related to your science point but I’m generally quite sceptical when I hear spiritual teachers talk about health. Especially when they present their health as a result of their ‘consciousness’ rather than their lifestyle. Things like you only need to sleep x hours a day if you do this etc. I don’t think a lot of them are very expressive of their own physical vulnerabilities and tend to present an aura of ‘I am above modern medicine because of my spiritual prowess’. They could totally just get cancer and die like anyone else but I don’t really see him presenting that image. It has more of a ‘lost in holiness’ , ‘I can mentally manipulate my biological processes with the power of my mind’ kind of feel then it can be quite disillusioning when he actually ends up in hospital and requires modern doctors to save him. Then he will say things along the lines of ‘I am very well and recovering faster than the typical patient’ but I didn’t see anything mentioning like he could just die from random medical issues beyond his control. At least this is the impression I get from watching him

This is a partial perspective but when I was in your position many years ago I heard a phrase ‘everyone out a relationship wants in, everyone in a relationship wants out’ it struck a chord in me and I remembered it, but didn’t have the life experience to go with it. 10 years on…. I’m like this is so fucking true again it’s a partial perspective, but I found as a man you want a relationship, only to find once you have it you want some variety, a few more relationships, then you fear being tied down and you want to be free of relationships altogether, then you want to become a bit like Osho its unsatisfactory at all stages but that doesn’t mean you don’t walk the journey. Keeping that in mind helps alleviate suffering a bit (but it won’t eliminate it totally). That desire you feel right now stays with you so the key is learning to become aware, manage, enjoy the fruits and use it intelligently rather than expecting it to go away at the next stage. I would say, enjoy your freedom. You interpret it as lack but one can also interpret it as opportunity. There is no rush

Yup I do. I dump it all into the S and P index they have there

thankyou Leo!

Why do I feel fear when I see/imagine that video on the blog post? Almost like it’s so Alien and weird, it feels like I am not sure if I want to experience something like that

Intro This is my second trip on N,N DMT fumarate taken orally 150mg with MAOI. TLDR:- scroll down to bottom for the juicy bits (last 2 sections). I reduced the dose this time as I was in way too deep last time. Even though I reduced the dose I felt like I got a deeper trip (probably because was not as powerful). I had this naive mindset of there will be an ‘AHA!’ moment where I suddenly realize oneness (as per my first trip). This came on much slower and gradual, but not in the form of ‘AHA!’ I can’t pinpoint exactly when I got to ‘oneness’, it was a gradual process which occurred naturally as the psychedelics took hold. Note to self to not let any of my friends or relatives take DMT unless they have watched Leo’s videos and done some work. I think it can be quite dangerous (I had quite a few suicidal thoughts on this, which I am still a bit shaken up by - scroll down to collapse of reality below). For this trip I wanted to contemplate on: Is reality infinite? (see collapsing duality section at end) Is reality really imaginary? (see ‘collapse of reality and imagination’ section) I didn’t quite know how to approach this. I read in Conversations From God you assume the state you want to take. So I was thinking, do I need to pretend I already know and then that will influence the trip? In the end somehow I think setting the intention was enough. If anyone has any tips on this be much appreciated. Trip Report 30 mins Visuals start. I actually saw similar visuals to my first trip. Purple fractal patterns overlaid on stuff and crystalline reflective surfaces shimmering through everything. It is only light visuals at this point. Love starts building. Love literally starts coming in on waves, like pulses from within my body. I get tingling sensations in my arms. 60 mins Visuals are light, still feeling good, feeling love, feeling good. I still have good motor control and can go to the toilet and walk about etc. Insight: The voice in your head is like a sports commentator commenting on the match. They don’t actually affect the play but like to pretend they do. The voice in your head is literally just commentary. It claims it does things, but really those things have already been decided prior to it saying so (so it doesn’t actually do anything). After something happens, it tells you how to feel (based on your beliefs). So don’t pay it too much attention, it kind of just entertains itself. The entire play is in God’s hands, but the voice in your head likes to take ownership of stuff and say ‘I did that!’, ‘that was me!’. That voice doesn’t actually have any ‘power’ of its own, it's just commentary on stuff that has already happened or emotions you’ve already felt. This is how it establishes itself. The only ‘power’ or authority it has is the one you give it (using imagination). My breathing feels very powerful and wholesome. With every breath it feels like I’m drawing in life energy and it feels wonderful. I close my eyes to focus on how good it feels just to breathe! I have this imagery that every exhale I am creating artwork. Like a blue saber-tooth tiger painting, or a giraffe, I feel like I am breathing life itself. Insight: I notice logic doesn't ‘feel’ right here. I was asking myself, how can I feel this love, when in my sober state? What thought or takeaway can I use to induce myself to feel this love in my sober state? I would like to live from here. But that's when I realized - love is prior to thinking. Notice you cannot feel love by thinking yourself into it. You cannot love cancer by thinking ‘yes love this cancer yessss send it love’. Rather love just is, it is prior to thought. So focus on being love, not thinking/manipulating yourself into it. Only the mind operates in logic on ‘why’ something is beautiful, or ‘how’ to do something. Love and beauty just is (so just be that). 90 mins I am having visuals but they are not intense or warpy. I am sat upright, looking out my window, playing music, hands behind my head just enjoying it. It’s not like the whole room is bending (like my first trip) but rather I focus on a few objects and they dance around a bit. I start to have thoughts like: ‘I am eternal I am everyone All is well All is beautiful All is good I am God, sat here basking in his own glory Gods exploration of itself is just never ending beauty and majesty Whatever you can imagine it’s all here Ask and it will be shown Nothing is off the table here You are the one making this And you can change it into whatever you want Your fear response, surrender it. If you are to be afraid then be afraid, but remember nothing can really hurt you’ I liked that, just being God, sat there and chilling the fuck out. Admiring the richness and beauty of random objects in my room. Then I feel an urge to close my eyes and let go. Go deeper and deeper. I get visuals as I close my eyes. These visuals are not happening randomly. Actually I seem able to influence them with my mind. I become aware of creating the visuals (to some degree) Insight: When I shut my eyes and saw all the visuals. I realized that actually you don’t need ‘vision’ to ‘see’. It’s all imagination. 120 mins (peak) In my last trip, all I mostly just remember was the awakening experience, but I forgot the part which followed afterwards, which was an intense mindfuck. I thought the above passage was the peak and I would start coming down…. boy was I wrong…. Ok… so this is where the REAL trip begins. From here until the winddown I am not able to write. The visuals become intense so I lie down. Here I am re-calling what I remember during this phase Insight: On the topic of infinity. There are no limits. Only the limits I create and I imagine. I define my own limits. You want to go ‘up’? Sure, we can go up, and keep going up as much as we like - there is no ceiling (unless you want there to be). The Universe is making this up as we are going along. I am having an orgasm with myself. This is a pretty crazy, multi-sensory experience. It’s like the feeling of my breath in my lungs, the soft pillow/blankets around me, the feel of bedsheets under my body, combined with multi-dimensional DMT visuals, being teleported out of this world and ‘I AM’ all mixed together. No words or descriptions can quite describe it. It felt good though. Even as I am writing this, I know I will forget what this part of the experience was like (until I experience it again and will be like oh boy here we go again…). For future reference though for me this is where the ‘real’ trip happens. This experience is pretty alien, it was like becoming a multi-dimensional being, although these words are pretty meaningless compared to what it was actually like. Maybe just remember in future this is an important and significant part of the trip (so don’t go off topping off on more DMT until you reach this point, this is the intense bit!). I was trying my best to ‘control’ the trip by calming myself and focusing on something. But then I realized: Insight: Doing and not doing are the same thing I can try or I can not try, there is no difference Who is there to try anything against, but myself? Who is there to do the doing, but myself? Inside and outside are the same. Inside becomes outside and vice versa. I am inside and outside all at once. Collapse of reality and imagination I became very aware of the temperature of my breath. The feeling was like having a blanket put over my face and was suffocating me. I was like shit, ok let me check reality real quick to make sure I am safe. This is where it gets a bit disturbing though. If I focus, there is an instant where I flash back to my bedroom and I am laying down, perfectly safe, no blanket over my face or anything. But then it hit me - How do I know this is actually reality? At that moment I realized I did not know what reality was. Reality and imagination are the same thing. This is a very serious situation, I open my eyes and focus. I see I am in my room. I close my eyes and I am in hyperspace. So where actually am I? What is reality? Which one is real? I don’t know, one is not more valid than the other. At this moment there was no difference. It was a bit scary because there was no single ‘reality’ I could check to see if I was actually being suffocated or not. Like I can see myself in my bed in my room, but is that reality or imagination? The vision of me being in a bedroom had no more authority than the ‘other reality’ of being in hyperspace. I kept trying to remind myself I am safe in this bed. Yet at the same time, I was aware I am not really in this bed. There is no real ‘safety’ net because I am creating my own safety with my thoughts! I can’t say ‘Don’t worry bro, you’re safe in bed just wait it out’, that's only true because I imagine it to be so! There is no ‘outside’ safe physical reality supporting me as a fall back on this trip. This trip and physical reality are one and the same. This trip IS reality. Insight: There is no difference between reality and imagination, they are the same. Living and dying are also the same (I don’t fully understand this last one but I have it written down, I think it was because I realized if there is no ‘reality’ then there is no such thing as ‘dying in reality’). It is pretty funny (although it did not feel funny at the time) because here I am having a full body multisensory orgasm, whilst at the same time trying to stay alive, whilst at the same time trying to figure out what reality is. I was aware I could choose to bite off my tongue at any moment. I was aware I could choose to clench my jaw and just break all my teeth. I was aware just choose to hold my breath and end it all right here. I was aware I could choose to imagine my death and it would be so. There was no safe physical reality ‘supporting’ this experience, because everything is imagination. Reality is groundless. If I see myself jumping off a building, I can’t tell if that is just me imagining things, or if I am really jumping off a building. Those two things are exactly the same. Trip Sitter? Disclaimer: I am not advocating against trip sitters, just trying to convey perspective from the trip. Same with logic at bottom. I was thinking hmm maybe I should've had a trip sitter? But then I realized the folly in this. A trip sitter could not stop me from killing myself (I am not talking from the physical perspective here). Because who is the trip sitter but me? How can me (trip sitter), stop me (Universe), from killing myself if I choose to do so? The trip sitter is part of this fucking crazy multi-dimensional experience I am having. To fall back on having a trip sitter protect you is to say there is a physical external reality where this experience is taking place. But for me physical reality had collapsed, what I was experiencing was all there is and the trip sitter cannot exist outside or 'step in' to intervene with that. Whether I choose to live or die is up to me (the Universe) not the tripsitter (which is of course still just me). Ie. There is no difference between having a trip sitter and not having a trip sitter (I am not defending this from a physical standpoint, just relaying what I was experiencing). The trip sitter is not separate or distinct from my experience. Ultimately there is only one consciousness which decides whether I live or die and that is me (the Universe). Insight: Even logic and critical thinking, are figments of this imagination. They are not like a ‘base platform’ from which I can use to analyze this psychedelic experience. Because they are imagined as part of this consciousness. So trying to use logic and critical thinking to analyze psychedelic experiences makes no sense, because these are not independent states that exist objectively outside consciousness. They are part of consciousness itself. So be wary when you’re trying to pass this up as ‘chemicals in the brain’ or some ‘drug induced effect’. This is only true when you treat logic/physical reality as something outside the psychedelic experience (which is not how it actually is, but you may need psychedelics to see that). Collapsing of duality/Infinity is both things at once/paradox This was written by me as I was winding down and able to type again (I have corrected the English to make it more readable). Being self and other simultaneously 'I am coming down now Good I can finally make some fucking sense Infinity can do all things at once It is not this or that, it is everything all at once Do you recognize psychedelics are no trick? I recognize this is an experience brought about by using a drug But also I recognize this goes beyond the drug you see? It’s both things at once Be wary of saying it’s just a drug (you will be missing the other part of it) Because that is a linear type of thinking, that is the human hat on I am human, yet I transcend humanity It is both at once There is no one to argue, no one to convince but myself Yet as I am typing this, I am doing so to share with ‘other’ as a trip report I recognize I am creating others So I am by myself, yet I am not, you see? I imagine others and I imagine myself I imagine typing this up on the actualized forum, yet at the same time I recognize there is no forum I imagine others reading this, yet I recognize I am those others and yet I am ‘not’ at the same time I recognize I am all alone and I am sovereign But at the same time I make an effort to write these notes to share with others It’s everything all at once. I am self and other at the same time There is only one consciousness There is no difference between ‘higher’ and ‘lower’ consciousness. Both of these are just me expressed in different ways. Even as I am typing I am trying to be conscious of What ‘filter’ I am putting on to put this message through Is this message being corrupted by my ego? But at the same time I recognize there is no difference between having a filter and not having a filter, it's both the same fundamentally. You see, is this a filter or not? Is this ego speaking or not? Is this a universal message or not? Realize there is no distinction. There is no difference. The filter speaking is the Universe speaking The ego filter is the Universe All messages are the Universal message Yet at the same time, I acknowledge a healthy respect that one must be careful what they say. I am so unlimited I could tell everyone to go on a murdering spree, yet I do not, why? Because I am both things at once and I respect both When I was writhing in ecstasy back there, I realized I could choose to kill myself at any moment All it would take is a simple decision. Yet I did not, why? Because I respected my own will to live in physical reality I am limitless, beyond death, yet at the same time I respect my own boundaries (even if they are ‘human’) Notice you have an idea of ‘levels’ of consciousness, you would say ‘I AM’ is higher consciousness and human consciousness is ‘lower’ consciousness. But really it's all the same consciousness. Both of these are expressions of me, so in essence they are the same. So while we say ok you’re not as woke as this guy, or there are levels to it… Yes there are levels, but there are no levels at the same time see? There are levels but at the same time it’s all the same….. We demonize human consciousness, but what is human consciousness but me? We imagine there are levels to awakening (which there are) yet at the same time there are none All awakening and non-awakening is all just me (the Universe) Notice if I am writing this from a ‘sober’/logical state you will not take my words as seriously, I need to convince you that you are in touch with some ‘higher power’ for you to label it mystical But you see higher or lower consciousness, is it all the same consciousness These levels are imaginary. Being ‘non-woke’ is not any different from being ‘woke’ it’s just a different expression. It’s always just me expressing myself with complete sovereignty at all times. Even the times when you feel vulnerable, human and weak, this is still me expressing myself with complete sovereignty. You never escape me. It is always an expression of me I am that tiny, limited, fragile human cowering in fear, and I am the unbounded alien multidimensional ‘monster’ which scares you I am both things at once So on some level I am glad of awakening, but on another level I realize I never really needed it. Because there is nothing to escape from, there is nothing to awaken to, it was all just me. But even before awakening it was all just me also… so it’s kind of funny both things at once There is only ever one consciousness, it’s all the same That consciousness can express itself in many ways, sometimes it is correct, sometimes not (who is judging?) but it is always the same consciousness at all times just expressing itself in different forms The thing you call mundane I appreciate really is mundane (I know I am you) but at the same time don’t think that is any less spiritual or different from being in fucking hyperspace. It’s all the same consciousness. End Thanks for reading everyone

Yes. often I pair this question with - And what the fuck am I doing?

I tend to take n,n DMT orally. I’ve had 7 trips so far but never encountered any beings. Never done 5 MEO or any other psychedelics either. My dosage is 125-135mg, this is currently my upper limit on having the motor control to type on my phone as insights hit me. Any higher and I am pretty much incapacitated, slightly traumatised and recall isn’t so good since I’m relying on memory. psychedelics impact people differently, but for my understanding are people saying you tend to see other beings on higher or lower doses of n,n DMT? On my trips I monologue/speak to myself but I only ever recognize it as myself as God. As a newbie I tried 200mg once which was way too much but I don’t recall seeing anything other than myself

How does one differentiate between a voice in their head posing as a demon vs actually being possessed by a demon? how do you know it is a ‘demon’?

Hi everyone, I usually boil 3-4g Syrian Rue as MAOI, wait 30 mins and then take DMT fumarate. This method is proven for me and I got solid trips off it. The tea is gross so I'm trying to find easier alternatives. I found this x5 Harmala extract off eBay (powdered capsules) which I was hoping to just be able to substitute for my Syrian Rue tea. I took 2 capsules (should be ~3.5g Syrian Rue seeds equivalent) and followed the same procedure. I saw some light shapes, good relaxation but the trip never really 'took off'. The only thing in question here is if I am taking the right amount of Harmala extract and if the timing (using the extract) is correct. Next time I can try to take 3 capsules of Harmala extract (~5g Syrian Rue, but I would never make a tea with this many seeds) but otherwise I'm a bit confused why this didn't work for me. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks everyone.

Thanks for this. Are there any advantages/disadvantages to which type of pure extract to use? Or are these three types more or less the same? Just wondering if there was a preference there

yup always on empty stomach. Yea I will try up the dose thanks

So I recently got into synthwave, love the spaced out and chill vibes it gives you. It was a pleasant surprise to see some of those songs on Leo's playlist too hahah Love this one - could drive all night to this Also check this out if you don't know it already. The sounds remind me of my DMT trips lol

How does one administer 5 meo malt? Does plugging still work as with 5 meo DMT?

How does the Universe decide what to do? I've heard this expressed various ways, although nothing quite scratches my itch. I've heard Leo say 'to Maximise love' also the Universe is just 'being'. But I mean like how/why does the Universe decide to move the leaf from point A to point B and how does that relate to my individual free will/control? In the sense God does it all, but how does that even fit together? Not sure if it is a bit off topic but kinda related.

Can I please ask what the aim of this is? do you actually sleep shorter hours? or do you sleep the same number of hours but feel more refreshed after the same amount of sleep? Does that state count as sleeping or not? Do you spend all night there or is this supposed to be more ‘do for a few mins then go to real sleep?’ thanks

Sometimes I do a little prayer before the trip (I literally pretend to be a bit like Jesus) something Father something something As a human, there is something beautiful about reaching out to divinity for help. I know its phony, but it puts me into a state of gratitude for what is about to happen. And it makes me feel better than sitting there shitting myself waiting for the inevitable.

Almost drowned at sea When I was like 5 years old I was at the beach. Got knocked over by a big wave and pulled out towards the sea. I did not know how to swim. I didn't know what happened but I remember looking up at the sky whilst being underwater and it was very peaceful... Somehow my mum managed to pull me out the water. Slipped on side of a mountain I went trekking in the Himalayas when I was 16 - I had no climbing or trekking experience. I was walking down a mountain called Stok Kangri (go Google it), 100m from the summit down the side of a glacier. I was terribly afraid. Usually as safety precaution you are tied to other people, so if you slip the group can hold you up. So it happens on the way down I got separated from the main group. It was only me and the local Sherpa. He knew I was scared... and in his 'wisdom' decided to totally abandon me on the side of this mountain. I think he wanted me to prove to myself I could face this challenge on my own. There was only one path down so I could not get lost. I was incredibly tired at this point and I was at altitude. I took one step and my crampon caught against on my trousers, I started to slide down the side of this glacier. I managed to use my ice axe and stop myself from picking up speed, climbed back on the path and made it down safely. To put it in perspective, I only got taught how to use an ice axe the day before, and had half an hour practice. This trip was with my school, they never actually expected anyone to use their ice axe. This was supposed to be a trekking trip for people with no experience. I didn't tell anyone, but no way should I have been left alone on the mountain in that situation. If I had kept sliding for a few more seconds, I'm not sure if I would have been able to stop myself from going all the way down..... River was deeper than expected When I was camping I woke up and went to the river to get some water. It was before sunrise, completely pitch black. I had only my headtorch on. My headlight shone onto a rock underwater. In my drunken sleepy stupor, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to put one of my legs on that rock so I could bend down and scoop some water. It was fast flowing, the pan want out my hands, my leg went underwater up to my waist. I still dont really know how I got out of that. But I was thinking it was pitch black in a fast flowing river... if I had somehow not kept my balance then good luck finding my body....

Hi there I apologise if I have misunderstood your post, but from what I can see I believe you are taking Leo’s advice out of context. ‘doing the emotionally difficult thing’ is used in the context when you know (with your heart and intuition) that something is right for you, but your mind projects all kinds of fears, limiting beliefs to keep you rooted where you are. What Leo is trying to convey is a transition to love and freedom from fear. This is emotionally difficult because you need to overcome fear (and follow love/passion). Life is complex and nuanced. Do not expect a single rule to carry you through life. If you do, be sure you understand its proper context. For example, if you are stood on a cliff edge. The simple thing to do is to stand where you are safe. Now you could say it may be emotionally challenging to leap off to your death, but that does not mean you should do it! Hopefully you can see this advice has been totally misapplied in this scenario. Your specific case can be re-framed. The emotionally difficult thing to do, is to learn, improve and create something better with your film making after your humiliating experience. To continue and consciously improve your skills in spite of adversity. Your stories can help inspire many people (if that is your goal). Is that something worth pursuing? Somehow you have interpreted ‘doing the emotionally difficult thing’ as destroying your passion. This is not what this advice means. Perhaps something to help is to ask yourself: How much self-love is this action showing right now? Will this make me truly happy in the long term? Remember this is about overcoming fear, and limitation. It is NOT about self-sabotage or curbing your passion. These statements seem to contradict, which suggests you are already questioning yourself. You need to figure out which voice is fear and which is love. Then think about which one you want to listen to and why. I think you can turn this around with some optimism, passion, bravery but also having a realistic outlook on how you are progressing. Remember that every advice has its context, even this one. Good luck brother! Am rooting for you

Yes I take it orally (fumarate). I tried vaping and it just wasn't for me. Also oral administration you get longer trips and it comes on slower so you can actually relax and get into the zone. You need to take it with a MAOI though otherwise it doesn't work. I don't think you're meant to smoke fumarate? (freebase for smoking right?) I read somewhere fumarate gives off nasty side chemicals, but I assume you already knew that. If you're interested below was my first proper trip report on DMT (also taken orally)

The context for that was thinking how can i bring this love I was feeling into my ‘normal’ state? I was looking for a trick or a mental hack I could use to induce the ‘loving’ state when I don’t actually feel very loving. But what this meant was love isn’t found in the structures of the mind. Like when you hear beautiful music, you feel it is beautiful, but then your mind can analyse why it is beautiful, but that analysis never really captures the real essence of its beauty. In the same way, if I were to try and use some mental mantra to manipulate my base state into feeling this love, I can be so focused on the mantra and trying to get it to work I am missing the very essence of the love I want to express. So love comes first as it is an immediate state of being, before thinking about it. So if you want to be more loving, you can just ‘be‘ loving, without any justification or thought attached to it. But if you think I ‘should’ feel loving, or I ‘want’ to be more loving without actually feeling love first, then you’re left with your mental tools/hacks to force yourself into a state of love, which will not be genuine nor will it work. Depending on the circumstance, if your intention to become more loving is actually sincere and heartfelt, this can be a foundation to foster more love. But notice that does not happen in the mind. Notice you cannot just ‘decide’ to be sincere, when you truly don’t already feel sincere. Your honest sincerity to become more loving, is already putting you in a loving state (so you are already feeling love by being sincere which is what this is trying to convey). Similarly, if you think I ‘want’ to feel more love, (when really you feel hate or disgust) acknowledging your real feelings will help release resistance to that and open the opportunity for more love. This is because by being authentic this is again creating a state of love. So be love (there are many forms and degrees) and you will feel more loving. Rather than try to mechanically guilt trip yourself into it with thinking alone (when you’re not actually feeling very loving)

hi, I’m wondering how everyone is planning to look after themselves when they are older and physically incapable of doing so themselves. I am talking on purely physical terms here, like how are you gonna shit, shower, cook, clean when you can’t physically do so yourself? I know this is rather unpredictable, as technology and AI will change things a lot. But I wanted to ask, what would be a ‘wise’ way to prepare for this challenge at that stage of life? What things should we aim to have in place to make this easier for ourselves? I come from a community where elders would typically live with younger families, so these chores and basic living needs get handled for them just by being in close proximity to people. However I notice in spiritual communities there is a pull towards solitude and solo/independent living. This kind of ‘agreement’ is less common now days and I think will continue to be so going forwards. real story: my great grandma requires a walker and if she falls she cannot physically get up on her own. One time she fell on the way to the toilet and she couldn’t get up. But she knew she would be fine as my mum always drops by each day. Now if that were to happen to me, (I see/speak to others outside my gf maybe… once a month?) - yea I would be dead before anyone found me I feel people used to have kids partly for this purpose, and there would be a forced agreement ‘I look after you when you’re young, you look after me when I’m old’ kind of thing. Maybe we are too solo nowadays? Will you depend on being able to reach technology/alarm mechanism to contact others in these kind of emergencies? Is that a sensible thing to do? Will you go to a care home (need money) but be forced to comply with meal times, bed times etc? I think money is a given but what would your living arrangements look like? What would be a good way to live for you at this stage of your life? Thanks everyone

Hey there I'm a Physics graduate but not working in the field of Physics. I was in a similar position to yourself, I can describe my thought process back then and perhaps it may help you. Of course this is a reflection of my own journey so yours might be different. Also I was not aware of life purpose back then, I was simply following my needs. I do not regret any of my decisions though. I am assuming you are young, apologies if not. Why did I get into Physics? I was seeking to understand the Universe. I was seeking to feel wonder, awe and finally understand the nature of life. I didn't know at the time, but I was seeking spirituality (ofc I did not have this perspective back then). I had a feeling the Universe was 'special' but I did not know about God or anything like that. When I got to University, I did feel the entire thing was quite a drag. I did not really enjoy memorising hundreds of equations, spending all my weekends solving problem sheets and revising to pass like 10 exams every semester. The workload did put a bad taste in my mouth, I did not really like the pressure and the nature of environment. My mind did not feel free, it was like I was being trained to pass exams (which I did with top honours) but the experience was not what I expected it to be. I expected much more free reign which I didn't seem to get. During this time I spent so much time on my own, studying and in the library I became very isolated. I dealt with loneliness, lack of social and dating life and self-worth issues. I did not know at the time but this was the start of my personal development journey. Learning to handle these emotions and trying to get outside success to fill these holes made me think of doing stuff outside of Physics. You mentioned social life is dead, I wonder if you feel the same? That might be spilling into your experience of Physics. I would've enjoyed the experience more if I had an active social life, but there was no way I could've kept up with the work if that were the case. I also realized I enjoyed the IDEA of being a physicist (because of the prestige, being associated with intelligence) more than actually doing the work. Sure there were times I enjoyed it, math is very beautiful and its so nice when it all fits together, those breakthroughs were nice. However overall the actual work (labs, studying math, workload etc) felt like a drag to me. That was another clue. Although I was good at math, I realized I am not naturally drawn to it. My skills mostly developed as a requirement from society and parents (tutor and school etc). But if I observe myself when I am left to my own devices, I do not create math. I do not write equations on windows like those child geniuses on TV, I don't think up and solve problems mathematically, I naturally don't think of the world in a mathematical formulaic way (I prefer philosophy and thinking in broader strokes). I much prefer writing or learning music in my free time. I like scientific IDEAS but I don't like doing the actual science. I like reading ABOUT science, I like reading about discoveries, but I don't actually like doing the science itself. I could not imagine myself being happy going into the lab each day or doing research on a very specific narrow topic. Do you actually enjoy doing the actual science? As I got further into my degree, I felt like the only people who could understand me were other Physicists. I felt like I was becoming very narrow, the specialisation did put me off a bit. One of my main reasons for doing Physics was to help inspire and bring that awe and wonder to others. I was thinking of becoming a science communicator instead of an actual scientist. But I didn't want to become a teacher or anything. I wanted to become rich (and there seemed to be better ways to do that than staying in Academia) . This academic environment was too quiet, too hidden away for me. I wanted to wear a nice suit to work, experience the luxuries of life, have the spotlight on me for a bit, not sit in an armchair and become a middle aged man. I wanted to experience material success when I was still young and that desire was building more and more. So instead I took some inspiration from John 'Larry' Kelly and started learning financial maths. I had this image of being like a 'rebel' scientist, being a baller on Wall Street or a top engineer in some defence company. For me that was pretty much the final straw and I went onto the next chapter (and into city life). I think if I had gone into Physics later in life.... say maybe even now I would have a higher chance of staying in there as I have got some stuff out my system (experiencing wall street and the corporate world). But as a young man, I felt like there were some things I wanted to experience at that time (I wanted to conquer the world) and staying in Physics would've be too restrictive for me. Ask yourself, what is it that makes you think theoretical Physics isn't right for you? Pay MAJOR attention to that. I think the fact you are even questioning is a sign, but you might not be consciously aware of what it is trying to point out to you yet. What are you missing right now that you want? In those moments you are questioning, what are you missing right now that you need? What would make things better for you? It might be the Physics, or it might be something else which is trying to get your attention. I do think life purpose tends to be on the upper end of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so if you're not there yet I wouldn't try to force it, Also agree more experience and perspective (eg. I think its a good idea to take that internship) and see how you feel. Do you see yourself doing that everyday? If not, what else would you rather experience? That experience will help bring you more clarity Good luck brother

Thank you, this is an inspiring vision. Better than the one I had for how things may pan out. Although I wonder how it all works out in the end… in my mind it’s a steady decline, but maybe it doesn’t always have to turn out like that.

I may be wrong here, but I can’t imagine my great grandma working out in her state anymore. I think this has to be a lifelong activity before you get too old. I think there may be a point of no return where let’s say you can’t even hold your own body weight standing (when your 90 or so) working out and being able to come off a walker idk I don’t see it happening too often. I think it’s more common once your on a walker you tend to have it for life. like assisted suicide? Interesting. I think the ‘peaceful way’ would have to be important. I don’t think old people can will themselves to die even if they ‘want’ to but at what point would that be appropriate for you? Maybe you only know when you get there. When you get too far down the road even travel or sitting on a plane/bus/car becomes difficult (unless you do it at home somehow and don’t mess it up which might be painful). But I can even imagine there will be a lot of ‘home technology’/health tracking which would alert people or prevent you from doing this kind of stuff at home