jdc7733

@itsadistraction She is 16. I want to show her both how cruel and open to interpretation the world can be.

Fuck that. I should just keep my mouth shut.

I agree. Okay, that’s mundane. I can’t keep a consistent view of how things should be and I’m trying to manifest a… Better life? It’s more like something beyond words.

Like, I thought I’m going to manifest anything I wanted but that I probably wouldn’t like it when it happens and there would be some sort of conditions for it but the conditions for it would be an illusion.

They also say nothing’s good or bad. No judging people or things positively or negatively, no distractions even though everything’s a distraction, pursue the truth but no thinking your being truthful because that’s untruthful, instead, just sit there and breathe, but, don’t think, also, contemplate and pursue your goals. How am I supposed to achieve that? Ha. Very funny.

I’ll get back in touch with Early Intervention (I’m supposed to be going to another team soon but I can’t remember what that’s called.)

@Leo Gura I have. Only for a few days but yk. I’m aiming on staying away from drugs for a while, but, I think this time, some effects are long term. I was about to say I’ve felt better than I have in a while but then I suddenly felt sad. I still felt better than I usually do but like idk what to expect next.

@AerisVahnEphelia if one thing is a hallucination, why would anything else not be? I’m not assuming that everything is a hallucination. If you have a brain, then your perception of reality must be limited. If science always rewrites the truth, how can you be sure that it is the absolute truth? I’m sure that whatever I believe will pass and there will be a new truth.

So, here I am making a post for no one, although it can get responses, what even is a response? What you say may have nothing to do with what I said in this post. You all say sitting there breathing somehow makes you enlightened, if it did, I’d be pretty enlightened. You tell me that eating a pretty piece of paper which apparently has something called LSD on it is the cause of hallucinations (I’ve done LSD and I did hallucinate, but, there is no causal relationship there.) You tell me to go the doctors even though I already have, I’ve tried several meds, stayed off drugs for long periods of time, I actually don’t give a fuck anymore, literally everything, is bs.

@vibv everything is impermanent. There’s no pleasure that lasts.

@Leo Gura I’ve tried olanzapine, risperidone, amisulpride, flupentixol and aripiprazole. I’ve also tried CBT. I can’t tell if you’re just trying to sound like me when I used to just tell everyone who said things weren’t real “no because science”, I’m paraphrasing, and like used to believe in the medical community.

@AerisVahnEphelia then why do we think things that are either distortions or nothing to do with the “outside”?

@Razard86 I’m at a point where I don’t even particularly want drugs anymore (apart from nicotine, caffeine and I drink like 2-4 cans of beer per day, on an average day.) The main thing I wanted recently, was to just take drugs, basically, but I know money runs out, you develop a tolerance etc. I was watching a video by Leo where he calls most pleasures “lower consciousness stuff”, including socialising, food, sex, entertainment - it’s all distractions. After age 17, the main things I wanted after were love, sex, drugs and acceptance. I hid a lot about myself, once I reached a certain age, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, for reasons idk, example, I hid being gay, then came out to some people, then denied I came out, to my friends. Basically, I’ll sum it up as Leo said in videos which is “needy” and a “horny little” so and so. I mean obviously there were other things I wanted during those periods and what I want changes all the time. I suppose there are frequent wants but there’s no consistent, deep down want.

@Buck Edwards I literally think I’m misinterpreting the majority of words and everything in life.

@Vibes No, I already noticed those kind of things. This is like people doing a shit impression of crying and then stopping when I look at them then saying nothing is the matter then I’m like does crying mean something else?

@Cubbage @Schizophonia I don’t want to tell you because idk what what they say means. I think what they say and what I say is some kind of trick to get me in a bad situation. I watched some of the video. I think I’ve already had my “rock bottom” moment that’s made me realise I need to quit. To be honest, I’ve experienced things that are just as strange without taking drugs, but, this time it’s just like… Different, like, I just like literally think of like random meanings of words and actually believe that’s what they mean, it’s not like every time I hear or see words I think something else but like… For example, people say they’re going to do harmful things to people, I think that they mean they will do it to me and then I think it means something good will happen.

@Schizophonia people are literally just combining words, speaking in ways that make no sense to me, then, pretending to cry, then, actually crying, then looking happy, then looking angry, it’s like wtf.

@Leo Gura life is a trap. How am I supposed to build up my life when everyone is saying and doing strange things and idk what they mean? I messaged my mental health nurse but no reply.

@Schizophonia how is it possible to know yourself?

I can’t just sit and do meditation, don’t always have access to psychedelics, what else is there?

I met some guy who was cute, we spoke for a while, we started kissing, we went to the bedroom, I couldn’t “finish”, then, he just made some excuse to get rid of me. We were talking fine before that. It’s not that I’m against having sex it’s just that I want the relationship the focus on sex to relationship to be 1:1, or, at least like someone who wants to get more of a full friendship or romantic relationship out of it, rather than just about sex. The thing is, usually people are looking for sex or a relationship to begin with and I kinda want some experience of both. I want to have 2 types of cake and to eat them both, so to speak. There are literally no other guys like this, unless they’re like closeted friends that were friends to begin with. I just thought, I should probably be focusing on things other than dating rn, my mind just kinda hops from one thing to another, but, I feel like there’s always going to be something going on in my life that’s strange or bad, so, like, I should just go ahead with dating. What do you think?

Maybe you could just go busking and get a part time job.

The creative process has to happen naturally. I guess more time spent playing would increase the chance of more songs written. I had 2 jobs, one in the morning and one in the evening, so, I had plenty of time to write songs but rarely did. I think collaborating might help write better songs. I would advise that you write songs for the sake of writing them, rather than for a career, since you don’t want to end up writing songs you don’t like for some money, then, end up unhappy because you’ve got loads of money and don’t know what to do with it.

@Princess Arabia I don’t know if I can be liberated from an egoic standpoint, intentionally. Attachment just kinda happens.

So, I think life is trying to trick me into thinking bad things will happen but that’s a trick and that’s a trick, but, what’s the trick? I’m at a point where I feel calm because I think it’s an ultimately good trick but then I think that’s a trick but that thinking that it’s a trick, is a trick.