ActualizedJohn

@Buck Edwards My question is, how?

(Would really appreciate a Leo response with this one too, it has been the biggest cause of my depression for years) I was a virgin up until 3 months ago. I have done every other type of sexual act since I was 15, and many times for that matter. Im 23. I went all of my high school and college life not having sex. I don't need to go into all of the examples of as to why being a virgin was traumatic, because if your a guy as a virgin you understand. I thought all that I needed was to have sex with a decently attractive girl that I pulled and that I would be complete, almost like I would somewhat be finally a part of this "exclusive club", and it would fill that empty depressed self-image loathing inside of me. I started getting pretty into self development over the past year or two. I understood what the implications of external validation were (Never being truly satisfied, wasting your life chasing a high that always fades away). However there was always an itch at the back of my mind wondering if those pick-up-artists were actually right, and that the "higher consciousness" teachers who taught that external validation was bad were actually just jealous, pissed of, or just wrong for any reason. I was open to both possibilities, so I came to a middle ground. I would try to lose my virginity to at least a decently attractive woman, and see what happens. If i was satisfied for the rest of my life, I could finally say that the pick-up-artists were right, and that the high consciousness/ anti-validation teachers were wrong. If I eventually become dissatisfied again and feel the need for more validation, then the pickup artists were wrong. Seemed like a super fair and objective experiment to me. So ever since my last breakup a year ago (the girl was an "on paper" 10/10 looks wise but we still never had sex), I dedicated my life to not just getting better at pickup, but more learning and practicing everything there was to know about self love/self acceptance, and that I didn't NEED sex to be "whole and complete". I knew the reason I was bad at pickups and women was because there was too much importance placed on the fact of "NEEDING" to have sex, and this NEEDING caused a lot of pressure, and backfired on the "playing field" with me. I was so attached to needing it and it was such a serious thing that no girl wanted to have it with me because they sensed such a strong urgency, and it made me the opposite of a smooth talker because of the sheer amount of pressure. So I did personal development work for that year, taught myself I didn't need sex to be whole and complete (at least for a little) and becoming more smooth with women was a result of this, so this self development worked. So anyway, my current girlfriend comes along (4 months ago), and a month later she takes my virginity. The initial feeling for around two months was that it WORKED. I was all like "damn, those sons of bitches were right (the pickup artists)." I rode that high hard af because I have been deserving of that shit for years now. Recently that high wore off. Ive been thinking about my waisted college days. When I was in college I didn't LIVE there, but even if I did i doubt i would have pulled any women because of my mental state i previously spoke about. My girlfriend fucked around a lot in college. I would have a lot of insecurity around that, and i guess she sparked it being upsetting for me. Here she was "better than me" because she had a college experience and slept around, and here I am, never wanting to have a college experience because I wanted to work on my business, lock in and make good health choices. And my decision made me sadder and more pissed off than ever. Made me feel like I could never go back to college, and never make all of that time up. So now I felt like not only did I now raise the bar AGAIN on myself after i said I would never raise the bar ever again and be "happy forever if I could just lose my virginity", but now I can never go back in time in college to make things right, and to make myself feel better. I was now empty again. Let me add this too, my blueprint for happiness from validation is not that tinder sex would work to make my happy, or that local bar hookup sex in my hometown would make me happy, but that maybe if I was in a college party setting with my friends that it might just do the trick to finally validate me. I could finally do what I missed out on, and fix the regret that was ruining my life. I dont even want to move to a city and do hookups there, it seems like this college shit could be the only thing that helps me. heres were it gets interesting. Anyways I got very very very pissed about this last night when I was on the phone with my girlfriend. I finally said to myself "fuck this, Im done hiding from all of these experiences my girlfriend had in college, the self loathing and jealousy I experience from never having these experiences, the depression this has caused me to spiral into my entire life. I'm gonna run now directly AT at all of my fears and these feelings now, instead of AWAY from them. I deserve this pain and I am saying 'fuck this' and facing this head on NOW." I then told my girlfriend that I wanted to hear about every sexual experience she had in college, IN DETAIL. She was apprehensive at first, but when I told her why I wanted to hear them, she agreed. I then listened for maybe a little over an hour. And there was some really bad shit in those stories, let me tell you. Those of you who have/have ever had a girlfirend who you love, i'm sure you wouldn't listen to the shit that I heard come out of her mouth for a million dollars. This was NOT a sexual thing for me, or a kink whatsoever. The whole time I was like shaking from adrenaline as I was hearing everything that she had done in crazy detail, all of the acts and all of the LITTERAL positions. It was this feeling of adrenaline that ive never had before, but it was not sexual. I was hearing about all the rough sex shit she was into. I then started to get the idea that maybe I could make myself feel better if i did that sort of rough sex stuff to her too, because at this point if feeling even more like a pussy for fucking her in a more vanilla way. I then pretty much said that I have a fear of her cheating on me, and it would make it better if she could just get with another dude that she chose, so that I would get the feeling of "okay the cheating is out of the way, she already slept with another guy, and now that that barrier is broken I don't have to be afraid of her cheating anymore since it already happened". I want to know what the truth here is to my story. Am I right to feel valid? Would you guys break up with your girl if you were me and get be dedicated to the field again, to maybe sleep with more women because true satisfaction can be achieved through pickup? Or is it time that I finally surrender, except that that validation void can never be permanently filled ever, and that I should just focus more on spirituality like meditation and building my business, and other forms of self development? (I love my girlfriend by the way and she is the greatest, and I would never cheat on her.) Also why do I not have this problem with friends, that I need more friends to be whole and complete? I would say that the reason I dont feel this way with friends is because I always had many guy friends and enough positive experiences that I feel like I "conquered" that area in my life, which would mean for sex, all I need to do is "conquer" that area of my life and have more sex and it would work? or is it only just that I was taught when I was young to put an extreme importance on specifically sex with women for whatever reason? Spirituality and self development is my passion. I love doing it for free, no strings attached. If someone had asked me before "do you LIKE picking up girls?" I wouldn't have understood their question. I would have been like "yes because it gives me that sense of validation and fills that empty feeling that Ive wanted to be filled for the past decade, so i do in fact like it". However, now that I really understand what the question is asking, and if i actually ENJOY pickup, I would tell you this: If this empty feeling inside of me could eventually be filled (Through any means, not just pickup) and I felt like I NEVER had to do pickup ever again, I would 100% NEVER do that shit ever again, because I hate it. All of the wasted time when I could have been doing shit I enjoyed. All the times I could have woken up feeling refreshed and good in the morning, but instead I woke up hungover af late as shit in the afternoon because I was attempting pickup at a bar. Pickup always felt like such a CHORE to me, such a bandaid that I had to quickly rip off so I could just get it over with and move up the rest of the latter, and not have to deal with ever again. All I ever wanted to do was just finally feel as whole and complete, and as vaild as anyone else. I never even really cared about the horniness, or the physical act of having sex. I just wanted the pain to be over with. But at the same time, there is such as strong pull for me to get back into the pickup community and just try because im young still and maybe it will be everything I always hoped for, that finally my problems will be solved and I wont have to live for regret for the rest of my life, that even if you all commented and told me that external validation was wrong and bad that I wouldn't believe you. I just need advice. I feel like hearing people say that external validation is wrong and bad doesn't even help me. I am looking for an EXPERIENCE of long lasting whole and completeness, and I can't figure out how to have that experience. More pickup? Maybe increase my serotonin through healthy activities? chase enlightenment? I guess what Im asking is what is the objective way to have that whole and complete feeling? Maybe it should be a mix of both options, work on myself but continue to try to fuck even though its just a chore for me at this point and I hate it?

@NoSelfSelf how does one do that

@NoSelfSelf I dont understand

Is anyone aware of any good available virtual enlightenment workshops to join?

How would I find a relationship with someone in stage turquoise?

Correct however I would like to surround myself with people better than myself

I have never done psychedelics before. I am a videographer. I recently submitted a proposal to a retreat group to film a ceremony. They said they would give me a free ceremony. This is a big opportunity for me, so I definitely want to go to get a video on my portfolio, and meet new connections. Problem is- should I do the ceremony? Ceremonies are what I want to film for work. I have no ceremony videos under my belt. Would be great for connections, networking, and a vid for my portfolio. However, I don't know if I should except a free ceremony. This place seems legit, but I feel like my sanity could be at stake here, or even my life. I have'nt gotten heart palpitations in a while because I have been leading a healthy lifestyle. However I used to get them when my lifestyle way bad. Premature atrial & Ventricle contractions. Also my blood pressure used to be high, but I have been able to bring that down to normal numbers. I got all of the cardiovascular tests and they said everything was fine, just lead a healthy lifestyle. I have heard that from two different cardiologists. But I mean mentally as well there seems to be much at stake here. I don't need to go into details, because you guys already know. The one thing that makes me want to do it is I need to trancend death and realize god through 5meo. This is my ultimate bucket list item. No matter what, I have to take 5meo before I die. I just don't know if I should wait till later in life when I feel more secure about the whole idea. Im only 23. However, all around me people are dying. Tomorrow is not promised. I could be diagnosed with anything and be dead in two weeks.There is no telling/ like DAMN dude this is a lot to think about. I have already had direct experiences of the truth of no self, so I already have verified death to be false, but still would like to experience the toad. I would love to hear some wise advice from anyone out there if anyone cares to share, would mean a lot to me.

Last year I experienced no-self after three long years of contemplation exercises. I realized I wasn't ready and in the right mindset for this massive shift yet, until I got more of my life together. I now am ready, and am currently doing all of the contemplation exercises, however need some help getting that traction. Anyone have any contemplation exercises or thought experiments to share with me to hopefully help me make that leap?

Smoke a shit ton of weed and watch this vid

I have experience with astral projection many times. Have has many experiences. My first experience I tried to attempt tempt it in my bed around noon, and then like half an hour later I sat up and it was pitch black outside, and I freaked out because it wasnt suppose to be dark out in the middle of the day. So then I woke up for real. Then I tried it many times after and realized I was good at it, tried to run experiments where I would try to see a detail in my house during the projection, and then after that I would go to that part of my house in real life to see if it was true, like one time I projected into my kitchen and saw my sister sitting at the kitchen table, then I woke up and walked into my kitchen and actually saw my sister in real life sitting at the table. It wasn't in the same chair, but the chair next to it. I did experiemnts where i tried to talk to deceased relatives, and I would see them from time to time, but theres no way to validate if its true. Unless I asked them a question that only my mom would know the answer to, get the answer from the relative, and validated it with my mom. But I never got that far. Another time I was falling asleep on my stomach for a week stretch, and I would astral project, wake up, and then wake up a second time, and I didnt know why that was. But then I realized that i was actually astral projecting, didnt realize it because my face was in the pillow so my astral body would come out with its face in the pillow, therefore wouldnt realize i was projecting, would keep trying, and then astral project WHILE having an astral projection, which would cause me to wake up twice. as for a book i read, It says that the astral world isnt in the same world as the physical, its more in a parallel world, where details are slightly different. Hence my sister sitting in not the exact chair, but the chair next to it.

I get that solipsism is technically true because if there are multiple consciousness bubbles, no matter how many conscious bubbles there would be, they would all only be made up of the same consciousness, and there is only one consciousness. However, my question is if I have a friend of mine step into a closet and shut the door, and I step into another closet and shut the door, are there two seperate consciousness bubbles existing, one in each closet? And if you answer no, why not. Why couldn’t god split itself off. I have not seen a convincing argument that explains why god could not do that. It makes no sense to say that it couldn’t.

I get how there is only one god or consciousness and there couldn't be "two" gods, but why couldn't god split itself off into multiple different consciousnesses, in a way where if me and another person each walk into different rooms and there are two bubbles of consciousness in each of those rooms?

For those of you who have seen my other enlightenment guides before, my apologies for yet another updated version, my apologies but I always continue to learn more. I added an extra 3 pages, and had a vision of combining all the teachings of classical-no self, god realization, and materialism/identity theory debunking all into one mega-awakening PDF guide in order to tackle all sides of enlightenment at once by merging all angles and insights into one. For those of you that are new to my guides, this is for you: A while back I posted a guide of how to practice enlightenment work for my friend, then made an updated version, and I recently made an 11-page long third version so I figured I would post again. It consists of multiple sections, one being a summary of what enlightenment is, another being my most powerful guided contemplation thought exercise, visualization exercises, materialist objections, and a list of some of Leo's videos in chronological order of how they should be watched and contemplated, and how to go about contemplating them. Highlighted portions are to be most contemplated and important. From my years of studying and contemplation, I believe I have nailed the instructions and made them more accurate and more easy to understand than Leo himself, although I owe my life to him for teaching me in the first place, and being responsible for my first enlightenment experience. As always, feel free to share questions, comments, or enlightenment stories & experiences below, I love to hear feedback! John’s Practical Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment V 3.0 (2).pdf

I just graduated and need some sort of social life, hoping I can find something to meet people who are into spirituality, metaphysics, enlightenment, etc. So I can sort of kill two birds with one stone by being social while increasing consciousness and my levels of personal development in a spiritual way. Maybe enlightenment workshops or some sort of retreats or any type of social community? Stuff focused towards meditation, breath work, consciousness, things of that nature? Would love to hear any ideas.

I mean technically Leo would say your imaging reincarnation, or any future reincarnations or past reincarnations. Reincarnation is imaginary, the past is imaginary, the future is imaginary. Almost like you constantly only have existed for one second

-How unconditional self love can help you achieve goals (relationships, career goals, health) -Achieving a high enough level to not need relationships -How self love can help to avoid chasing external validation

This is going to be a LOT right here. backstory: my whole life I feel like I have never really been truly happy and always have said “when I get THIS thing I will be truly happy”, but when the thing comes it’s like a high for a little bit, and then I raise the bar of what will ACTUALLY make me happy, and the cycle repeats. Today I was exceptionally upset. I had been in my house for three days straight and hadn’t really been doing much since I just graduated, and idk if it was just from being alone and my thoughts getting worse and worse, or if my feelings were ACTUALLY being validated, but I had been feeling like shit recently and have felt like she has been pulling away recently. Like I said Idk if she actually has been or if it’s just my thoughts building up and getting worse, but that’s how I felt. And I was just thinking all of these ideas about how I need to have a good relationship and I NEED to make sure she’s not cheating on me and I NEED to make sure we have sex and I NEED to make sure she is always 100% in love with me all the time and I NEED to make sure she’s constantly messaging me or else it makes me feel like she hates me and I get super depressed. I have always heard about how if you experience truth of no self it will end all suffering completely and it will end your attachments to external things such as thinking you NEED something in order to be whole and complete, but in reality I never thought it was possible, I never really believed it. After this I was sitting in my shower and had like a 30% enlightenment so-self experience, which happens every so often because I did Leo’s guided contemplation for three years so I can sometimes just slip into enlightenment experiences, and it felt like all the sudden all of the pressure and tension and depression was RIPPED out of my head. Like LITERALLY my brain, like I felt my brain unflex. And my first thought I had was “woahhhhh, this shouldn’t be possible. The only way I can be less depressed or ever loose depression is if I talk to my girl, make sure she loves me, has sex with me, I can be with her forever, and my life would collapse if I lost her. So therefore, the fact that I feel like I’m loosing depressed feelings is impossible”. But I was possible, and it was happening right then. It was like the first time I realized that maybe all the problems really WERE created by me, the blueprint of thinking I need someone to be whole and complete was created by me, and no amount of external validation from other people could actually get me there. I have an AMAZINGLY gorgeous girlfriend, and was recently looking at really old pictures of myself, and thought for a second “if 10 year old me saw pictures of my girlfriend now, he would loose his SHIT. He would say that there is NEVER a reason to be upset ever again and that I would never even HAVE the right to be upset ever again with a girlfriend like that, so WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED?” So is it possible? I mean is it REALLY? Like is it REALLLLLLY possible. As in a true honest 100% possibility that if I become enlightened, I would reach full unconditional happiness? Feeling 100% happy, 0% depressed 24/7 and TRULY never need anything external outside of myself to feel whole and complete ever again? Or even more, is it true that no amount of external things that I gain will ever make me happy? For god sakes,I know my 10 year old self, and he would NEVER allow me the right to be upset ever again if he saw my current girlfriend. Can any enlightened people confirm this? People who have shared experiences? Could this ACTUALLY be possible?

I am very interested to know how you discovered transcendental solipsism, what it is, and how it contains a male-female like pair. Could you answer these questions?

I recently created a guide of how to practice enlightenment work for my friend, and I figured I would post it to the forum as well. It consists of three sections, one being a summary of what enlightenment is, another being my most powerful guided contemplation thought exercise, and the last section a list of some of leo's videos in chronological order of how they should be watched and contemplated, and how to go about contemplating them. Highlighted portions are to be most contemplated and important. See attached doc below. John’s Practical Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.pdf

Yes, it is in fact on my bucket list, it is going to happen for sure, I just hope it happens very very slow and gradually. I appreciate the media and feedback. May I ask about your story and if you have crossed over?

Couldn't agree more. Thanks for the reply.

Couldn't agree more. Thanks for the reply.

Lots of people believe that there is an incredibly small percentage chance that even if you pursue enlightenment as hard as you can, that you still wont get it. From experience however, if you try absolutely with 100% effort as hard as you can, there is a 100% chance you will get it. If you can't get it, you aren't trying 100%.

@cosmic fool Great stuff right there thank you for replying to my post and giving me some good content, I very much appreciate it. I just read Steven Norquist's essay, and it makes me want to pursue enlightenment so badly. However, this leads me to my next point, which is I have NOT permanently crossed over, because after my first couple successful enlightenment experiences after three years of practicing Leo's enlightenment contemplation exercises, I got the shit scared out of me, and told myself never again. To feel yourself physically start to disappear, well, that is some extremely heavy stuff. It made me realize that I have a lot more fundamental things to work on in my life before I attempt a strike at the top of that pyramid again. Since then, I have gotten a lot of shit together in my life, and am almost at the point where I need to be to try again. This is the second ultimate thing to realize on my bucket list, the first being god realization. Now, because of my 3+ years of only contemplation at this point (no real meditation or psychedelics), my mental contemplation muscle for enlightenment is basically on steroids, meaning that with a simple hour of contemplation at any moment, I could spill into enlightenment at any time. It is difficult for me to keep myself at a level where I do not start to forget what I have learned which could possibly take me further away from enlightenment causing me to forget the means of getting back there, while at the same time making sure I do not spill into enlightenment when I am not ready, and have dropped all attachments to the small self. As I have said the article you have sent gets me very excited, but I know not to be fooled: this is some serious heavy shit, and I have to be extremely careful.