OrangeOak

You’re a stuck in a black radio-static sandstorm, sometimes dying down to reveal a landscape- a dark forest where logic disintegrates. The trees are coated in a thick black tar, and there is no forest floor. It descends into endless roots and underground spaces. The leaves are so dense that it’s impossible to see their end, giving the sense that they go on forever, becoming birds of the night. The birds themselves circle quietly above, but they are just as dense as the leaves. Somehow they convey a sense of deeply disguised malignancy. The black sky is woven by the flight of the birds, wrapping the canopy in shadowy ribbons.

Just to say, I would really appreciate if there was a way I could delete my profile and posts, or at least change my username, because I'm not comfortable having my real name on here anymore, and some of the other posts I've made have deeply personal information I only shared because I was in a time of desperation. But I need to share my story of where I'm at with all of this. I was once a very exuberant, social person. I had many friends and people I felt close to in my life. When I was 19, I smoked weed for the first time, and had my first proper relationship. This was all positive and I cherish those memories. It was during this time that I opened my heart and mind a lot and grew a lot. But when I did LSD for the first time, I became so open and it was positive, lots of laughter, play and hugs, but towards the end of the trip I became extremely paranoid thinking I wasn't as loved and liked as I thought, I became very self-conscious for the first time in a long time. Smoking weed has never been a positive experience since then, and has always included these same paranoid thoughts and anxiety, and has slowly gotten worse. But still, I stayed close to my friends and everything was fine. But then I had to leave that country and return home (losing connection with all my friends). When I returned, I had a couple of negative experiences which affirmed this growing negative feeling about myself. (My mother lost her shit at me, screaming and shaking with anger). (My old best friend said I was behaving obnoxiously and that if it continued it would negatively affect the friendship). I thought I was just being myself. Soon after this, I was spending a lot of time alone on a farm. I would smoke weed, and ruminate constantly about the bad things that had happened to me. I became very depressed and I was grieving over the friends I had lost, and that happy, fun version of myself I felt disconnected from. Life became quite meaningless, and my main source of meaning was hoping I would go back to New Zealand and be with all my friends again soon. But I couldn't, because of COVID. So I waited for a year, and in that time I was exposed to many new perspectives on human emotion, connection etc. I was exposed to spirituality for the first time, and in my search for meaning and fulfillment, I latched onto it pretty hard. But I didn't go super deep with it. I read Joe Dispenza's 'Becoming Supernatural' and watched Alan Watts videos, among other things. I spent a lot of time that year comparing myself to who I used to be, and worrying if I would still be just as loved and liked as I was before when I eventually returned to NZ, as I had vowed to do. And Inevitably, from the combination of my insecurity and exposure to spiritual ideas, I developed the 'spiritual ego'. I thought, "It doesn't matter what happens to me, or if people like me or not. Fuck them, because I am in possession of the truth and they are ignorant, shallow people anyway". This was my safety net. Eventually, I had the opportunity to return to NZ, so I immediately booked my flights and I was filled with Joy and excitement that I would see all my friends again and be happy again. When I arrived, I was greeted so warmly by everyone, and I got back together with my girlfriend straight away. But I couldn't shake this overwhelming insecurity that had festered in me in anticipation of my reunion with everyone. I was too psychologically ungrounded to hold a connection with anyone, apart from my girlfriend. We were blessed with a pure connection that cut through all of that. So I had to live with the pain of not feeling connected to my friends there like I was before, and I foolishly started smoking weed again with my girlfriend, which made it impossible for me to brake through my fear and get out of my head. I gradually saw less and less of my friends, because it brought me more pain than joy to see them, until it was only my girlfriend who I spent time with. This was when I discovered Actualized.org, and I gluttonously consumed Leo's content for 9 months, without being even remotely ready for it, or mature enough to handle those truths about Self, Mind, God, Love etc. I was so mentally fragile, and I tried to ground myself using the concepts in the videos, but it had the opposite effect. I knew it wasn't helping, but I kept thinking I would find the 'one video' that solved it all for me. And I was already so in pain that I would foolishly be open to any ideas. I become so mentally unwell that I had to leave my girlfriend and come back home to my family in England, where I would try and rebuild myself. I would make a big push of super healthy-eating and exercise etc. but I would just spiral and fall every time because I could never find that paranoia-free connection I wanted. I feel like I'm stuck with this mess of spiritual concepts in the back of my mind, on top of all the other trauma, and My body and mind are now burnt-out. The weight of regret is so heavy. My relationship to other people and how I see them has changed so much, I feel cut-off from the world and others, and I feel like I'm slowly dying. My heart is closed, and my mind is a twisted, dark forest. I'm drowning in the mess of my own mind. How does a young man navigate this in society? Why can't I let go of this shit? I wish I could go back. If I could do things differently I would never have smoked weed or done psychedelics. And I wouldn't recommend them to anyone, there are plenty of other ways to be joyful which are much more meaningful and grounded.

@CoolDreamThanks It's kind of not fair if you ask me. Thank you anyway

Thank you for that. I don't really care about the forum, or any drama on it. And I don't spend much time here. I just don't want my name on here anymore, and I wish that wish was respected by Leo or whoever has admin control, because I don't seem to have the option to delete my account or posts, or to change my name. Someone tell me if I'm missing something.

I want to implement a 30 minute meditation first thing every morning for the new year. I have never been a consistent meditator, so this is the year. My main pursuit for next year will be the social domain: honing all kinds of social skills for dating, friendship, leadership etc. So I am wondering which type of meditation would best suit me for this? I struggle with focus a lot and remembering what I'm up to. I was thinking something like: 10 minutes concentration, followed by 15 minutes do nothing, followed by 5 minutes concentration. Or would mindfulness meditation suit me better? I have mostly done do nothing, but I'm not looking for a quieter mind so much as I'm looking to train my ability to become fully absorbed in activities. One might say I have ADHD, although I am not diagnosed. Any advice would be much appreciated.

In March I am going to live on this farm for 7 months. It's in a beautiful location. It's 100% organic. The people there are earthy, mindful, hippy types. I have lived there before, but only as a volunteer. This time I am going as a trainee to become a facilitator on their programs. Once I am trained I can earn a living doing this. This is what they're about: "At the heart of our approach is an immersive residential experience involving the development of relationships with the land, with work and with ourselves." It's a wholistic form of alternative education: https://www.onthehill.camp In going here, I am hoping to make real, deep friendships and take another step towards my life purpose. Another reason I'm going is to heal. I know someone there, who operates in plant medicine circles, and she provided me with a San Pedro experience I'll never forget. She's done hundreds of ceremonies, and I'm hoping to have the opportunity to take part and see if I can heal through this modality. It's not just the psychedelics though, it's the people. And I'm a people person, so being around the right people is essential for my emotional growth. But I am conflicted. At the moment I live in a lovely city, and I am close to my family. I have my own place for the first time in my life, and I have a job working in a school. On the farm I will be living in a caravan. I know a few people here, but I wouldn't say I have any close friendships. Being near family is good because it's comforting and I get a lot of support, but it's bad because I get a lot of toxicity/conflict from certain family members. Meeting girls and working on my game is another thing I want to continue working on this year, and that may be harder if I'm living on the farm. Maybe. The nearest big city is only a half-hour drive away, though. Just for context, I have been living here for 11 months since getting back from New Zealand, and I've given it a very good shot. I got rid of my smartphone. I've approached at least 50 people. Lots of cold showers. I started a new job and did very well. I did a 2 month no-fap streak. I quit coffee and smoking. I've repaired certain relationships in my family. I've eaten well, I've got a good water filter. I've been to many yoga classes. I've reconnected with old friends. I've made new friends (not satisfying friendships though). There are some commitments I made which I haven't followed through on: Talking to 5 strangers a day. Going out working on my game 3 days a week. I would like to have done more socializing, but my intuition says I need to heal bit first in order to create the relationships I'm looking for. And I don't know if I can heal in the city. Writing this has helped me make up my mind, but please share any thoughts! Being in the city pros: -Easier to meet girls -Easy to attend events, classes -Easier to meet people -Hometown, familiarity -Being around family -Having my own place -Childhood friends live here Being in the city cons: -Harder to find the people I resonate with -Being around family -I have to travel to be in nature -Rat-race vibes, busy anxious energy -Rent is extortionate -My job pays badly, and I don't like it that much.

Coincidence number one: I started a new job as a teacher 4 weeks before the summer break. There was a girl there who I really felt attracted to. On the last day of school all the teachers went out drinking and we talked all night and shared a kiss (me and the girl). I had no idea she liked me before then. After that, our only communication was a few texts over the 6 week summer break. I worked through an agency, and I wasn't asked to rejoin the school until the 3rd week back after summer. I didn't tell anyone I was coming back. I got to work on the Monday morning at 9am and saw her, she was pleased to see me but very surprised. I later realized I had received A text from her at 8:50am saying "Hey, how are you?" ten minutes before I walked into the staff room! (This was about 4 days ago). I was hesitant about pursuing anything with her as she told me she has a lot of issues, which is something I need less of in my life. I'm also acing being single and making lots of progress with my personal development. But is this a sign I should go for it? She seems into me and everything. Coincidence number two: I had an audition for a choir at my local university. I got to the campus early and I was feeling anxious so I decided to approach a stranger and perform my song to them. There were lots of people sitting around. The first person I came across was a lovely Taiwanese phd student. I told her about my audition and asked her if I could perform the song. My audition was at 16:30, and the auditions were taking place from 10-18:00. Astonishingly, she was also auditioning for the same choir, and her audition was at 16:25! (This happened today) I passed my audition, doing way better than I thought I would. What is the meaning of this?

I've been drinking again for the first time in ages. I've noticed I often get little half-baked mystical insights the morning after, but they're never full or clear enough to pin down. Does anyone else get this? Also, when I'm hangover after a really good night, I often can't tell if I feel really good or really dreadful. It's like I feel both at the same time. I didn't know which discussion to put this in but I wanted to share it.

@HadhADHKJASD2 Don't give up. Things will get better. Strategically plan your escape, and have patience and discipline. My recommendation would be: Get a social job (i.e. teaching assistant, support worker). Something where you can feel useful and practice your social skills. (Very important for a young man, which I assume you are). These jobs are entry level, anyone can do it. And always go to work, no matter how shit you may feel, or how hopeless/meaningless life may seem. You need structure to your day, and a source of income. Don't go to college/university yet. Unless you are very clear about why you are going, and you really want to, then I wouldn't go. You'll be left with a lot of debt and 3-4 years you can't get back. Make sure you're hitting these 5 things everyday: This is the bare minimum for good mental health. 1. 30 mins of physical exercise, 2. Minimum 10 mins of sunlight on your skin, 3. healthy food (see Leo's video 'how to shop for healthy food'), 4. Good sleep. There is an abundance of information on how to maximize quality sleep. Research and implement. It's one of the most crucial things for your mental health. 5. Social connection: Parties, friends, family. Quality time with people. Bonus: Eliminate addictions: nicotine, sugar, gaming, YouTube etc. Addictions make you unhappy. It sounds like you need to devote most of your spare time and energy into developing your social skills/confidence, friends and girls (talking to strangers daily, practicing different aspects of social skills). I suspect a lot of your other worries could evaporate once you get this area sorted, although there's no saying how long it will take. You have to be prepared for it to take years, but the reward will be immense. Remember sex is on the same level as air and food in terms of basic human needs. If your career/future is a big source of stress, I would also devote time to that daily, but just take a step back and approach it in a calm way. You're so young. You could screw around for the next 5 years and still be able to achieve remarkable things. I would recommend Leo's life purpose course for that, if you're serious. I am pretty much in the same situation as you to be honest, but now I'm pretty clear on what I need to do to get out of the hole I'm in, it's just a matter of execution and not getting distracted. There's so much to say, but I don't want to over complicate it for you. Although please PM me if you want to discuss this further. Good luck!

Dr. Alan Goldhamer has been running a water-only fasting clinic somewhere in California since the 80s, and has seen thousands of patients reverse symptoms of diabetes, hashimotos, high blood pressure, insomnia, brain fog, anxiety and other diseases related to dietary excess. There is so much to go into but I'll let people investigate for themselves as he is very visibly passionate about his work and is easy to listen to . The main thoughts I wanted to share were: The benefits of long fasts, like 40 days, for spirituality: Jesus, Moses etc. and the many other anecdotal reports people have on this. I once met someone who spent two weeks fasting in the wild, who broke down in tears because of how beautiful people became to them after the two weeks. I wonder what this could do for you spiritually? When combined with breathwork, Yoga, meditation and just being immersed in nature. What if you did NoFap the whole time as well? People say that has a profound effect on a man's spiritual faculties. Imagine how starved you brain would be of dopamine after this amount of time, it would be the ultimate dopamine detox. I'm surprised no one has done anything this extreme purely out of curiosity as to what would happen. What if psychedelics were incorporated somehow? @Leo Gura Would you ever consider undertaking something like this? For science. Seeing as you have the balls to do 5meo DMT for 30 days straight. Maybe that level of mystical healing is possible but it just requires a 40 day fast followed by some 5meo? 100% purity not just in the mind but also in the body (as in no thing in your system). Have you tried a medically supervised fast of this length to try and improve your health problems? Maybe sometimes the best diet could be no food at all? Just hypothesizing. I am very interested in this idea of purifying the body through complete abstinence of food/supplement intake. He says the body has vast nutrient reserves it can resort to in the absence of food. He says that fasting for periods of 2 days to 40 days straight are possible, and can have the following benefits plus more: Detoxification of things like micro plastics, heavy metals etc. Apparently this is similar to what happens during chelation, and could be a more natural alternative, but I don't know, I've only just begun investigating. What's the forum's thoughts? Reversal of Dietary excess-related disease. Dramatically slowing the rate of aging when followed through with a whole plant-based food diet. This is essential to maintain the benefits offered. Reduction of intolerance to certain foods.

@Carl-Richard What harm could actually come of doing the 5meo? I'm not planning on doing it at all but I'm just curious as to what you think could go wrong if someone in my situation were to do it?

I am dealing with some very complex mental health problems. What I ultimately might need is a therapist who is knowledgable about psychedelics and aware of spiritual matters, who can sort of tease this stuff out of me, because even I can't wrap my head around it. If anyone knows of such a service, I'd love to know. I hope what I write makes some sense. I am going through the darkest times in my life right now. Everything feels lacking in meaning, to varying degrees. I feel like I've come to irreversible harm, because nothing I'm doing to help myself is working. I haven't had real friends in like 2 years, and I'm someone who needs a lot of friends. But my mind has become so twisted and weird, and I feel disconnected from all human beings. I overthink absolutely everything, and I overthink about my overthinking, it's even happening with my family now. I'll be sitting there watching them talk about something, and I can't just be present and listen, I just start overthinking the interaction, or I start thinking about something entirely different. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like an alien. My head is filled with all these metaphysical ideas Leo talks about, but I can't even be present with my family, or laugh when someone does something funny. I'm disturbed because I know I am god as much as I can on an intellectual level without directly experiencing it. I was open minded enough to be like, "oh shit, I'm god" just from watching Leo's videos, so that's got me in a wierd place. Before 2 years ago, I was the happiest, healthiest guy ever. That was around the time I had my first acid trip with a bunch of my friends, which went bad at the end. Something may have bubbled up then, I don't know. Roughly since then I've had these problems. I'm doing lots of healthy things, I exercise, I eat well, I take Vit D and Omega 3, meditate for 40 mins a day using the 'do nothing' and mindfulness techniques. I go to a yoga class, I'm doing the life purpose course. I know what I really need is just good friends, but I feel so alienated from people that this won't ever be possible for me again. I just need a wise person who is in a really good place themselves, and who is knowledgable about these things to hold my hand through this. I've developed depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD. I'm not diagnosed and I'm not taking any medication for these as I'm worried that will do me even more damage. My dad is the only person I know who might have some idea, but I really believe he'll think I've lost my mind, and that that will sadden him. I feel like there is no one I can talk to who won't think I'm insane. Some possible causes I could name: BOTH of my parents were sexually abused as children. Generational trauma maybe? I've had a couple bad trips on LSD and Mushrooms, I've done DMT (not a bad trip but no breakthrough). I've spent a LOT of time in solitude for someone of my age and temperament (21 and typically very extraverted) over the last two years. I've consumed much of Leo's content over the last 9 months, I think this could have certainly been harmful for me at this point in my life. I've spent a lot of time stoned, in a haze of negative thoughts. I've been a smoker and a vaper.I've done a lot of stuff I regret, out of foolishness. What I need is a clear way forward that will actually work. If this isn't the dark night of the soul I don't know what is. I have an idea to do 5meo DMT, seeing as I've come this far, and just enlighten myself and just say goodbye to a life lived in confusion, separation and lack. I know you shouldn't do this if you're mentally unstable, but I'm having suicidal thoughts anyway so it feels like a very promising last resort in my mind. I have no idea what to do. It's arriving in about a week. I could put all of this life theory I've consumed to good use and actually help a lot of people, if I could just sort myself out. It's so frustrating! I feel like I'm sitting on a treasure trove of knowledge and life experience. There's so much I want to do, I know I could do it all if I just had some genuine social connection to ground me. Some love. If I ever get out of this hole, the world better put their seatbelts on.

I did have a hunch the acid and weed might've done something. Thank you for your insights, I will into getting a good therapist.

Yeah, I think I've been getting ahead of myself. Thank you. I need to put my energy into building the base of the hierarchy of needs pyramid for now.

That's so helpful, to have your experience to relate mine to. And it seems like you found your way out of it pretty well, congrats. That list of 'grounding pillars' looks a lot like the things I've identified that will help me. I still need more socializing, and I don't have a therapist yet, but I am just about to start working as a teaching assistant, working with kids who have special education needs. Uncanny! I'm also about to move in with my brother, which will be much better than living alone.

Thanks. It's funny how this should be obvious yet I needed to be told anyway.

Probably too spiritual for me atm, although I'll try. Thanks. How does one just accept?

That's exactly what I'll do, thank you.

@HMD That's really put things into perspective, thank you so much. This forum is a godsend.

@HMD Thanks man. You've given me some good pointers, and I should definitely forget spirituality for now. What about meditation? Is that a good idea or is it too spiritual?

This was an amazing podcast on addiction, childhood trauma, society and spirituality. Russell Brand and Gabor Maté eloquently discuss child hood trauma and how it leads to selfish and addictive behavior later in life, and how these coping mechanisms are what cut us off us from our true, open and loving nature. They highlight with beautiful clarity and fluidity some of the key mechanics of collective ego, and how our world leaders, as well our prison population, are some of the most traumatized people in our society. Russell has many inspiring qualities, aside from his articulation and openness of mind expressed in this podcast. Gabor seems like a genuinely wise man, with incredible presence and conversational speed for someone his age! I love their ability to go on tangents, they don't care because they're both so in the flow of it, entirely present and connected. Russell is hilarious, of course: "I want god! Now! In my head!" And so is Gabor, in his own way. It was just a delight to watch and learn from their conversation. They shouldn't have been able to be so concise and cover so much within just an hour and a half! What do you think of Russell Brand? He is personally one of my favorites. And Gabor Maté? I would highly recommend Russell's Youtube channel if you're into social/societal stuff.

The Alchemist! By Paulo Coelho

You're right. If I get on the path, the universe will help me.

I just want to give a very brief overview of my recent life story up until this point, for the benefit of others who will undertake this journey, as well as quickly summarize my plan for the future. But please stick around until the end, because I could do with some advice on a few things. This is a public journal entry/me asking for advice. I am 21 years old. It has now been two years since I finished school. I have spent this time traveling around a lot, not really knowing what I was doing, but just trying to have fun and meet authentic people, to befriend them and have my mind and heart opened. I was just going where my intuition led me, and it's opened many doors for me, almost all of which are still mere open doors that I have yet to step through. I've dabbled in some of them, but I've come to realize that I need to be in one place if I am to make real progress, and not just drifting around anymore. There is a time for coasting, but now I'm ready to sail. So I've chosen my hometown, because that's where all my family are. Especially after 3 years in total away from home, (I spent my last year of high school abroad) I have a strong urge to reconnect and deepen my relationships with them, as the man I now am. The last 2 years have been very challenging at times, lots of uncertainty, loss of friends and old aspects of myself, a difficult romantic relationship which is now coming to an end, family struggles, addiction and mental illness. This is why I think it important that I am around family now for considerable length of time, so that I have a support structure, and so that I can work on my relationships with them, and resolve issues from the past that weigh on my mind often. I have cultivated very clear short and longterm plans now for the first time in my life, and I'd like to share them here. My first goal is to find a way that will pay the bills, that I enjoy somewhat. For this, I have decided to become a self employed landscape gardener. I love plants, being outside and in my body, hard, whole-body labour and creating outdoor spaces, so I know I'll enjoy it. Also, I'll be my own boss, which will be amazing. It will take a few months to achieve, but once I've got the ball rolling it will be a relatively stress free way to pay the bills while I focus on other things. A simultaneous goal to this is to find my own place to live, where I am only responsible for myself. Once I have these two things sorted, then I will have the freedom and facilities to delve deeply into things such as spirituality and my life purpose. Eventually, I want to buy a small patch of land where I can live if I want, and where I can grow my own food and plants for medicinal purposes , and that I can also use as a space to construct a mobile tiny home, which I will use for more traveling. I can also use the land as a place where I can go if I need to do an undisturbed solo retreat. I arrive back home in a month. I am confident in my plan, and my ability to execute it, but there are some things which I think could be hindrances to me being able to get the results I want. Firstly, I have been a moderate vaper and smoker for a total of 14 months on and off over the last 2 years, but I have now quit. My concern is that the high levels of nicotine, and all of the subsequent chemicals and heavy metals I may have exposed myself to from smoking and vaping, have thrown off my brain chemistry in some permanent way. This, along with a moderate amount of cannabis use. I have big plans for my health and fitness when I get settled into my routine: cold water exposure, running, yoga, meditation, Whole Foods etc. but I am unsure if my attempts to make progress will be sabotaged in some way by my past bad habits. So I suppose I want to know, is this a valid concern? Has anyone on here reached high levels of consciousness after quitting smoking or vaping? Do you think chelation is necessary? What else might help? Edit: Also, I sometimes notice that some of my vertebrae in my neck feel out of alignment when I run my hand along them. This probably from bad posture and just being tall. Could this make spiritual progress difficult? What kind of problems could arise from this that I might be unaware of? These are intuitive concerns I've had for a while, so I thought it would be wise to try and dress them before properly beginning my journey. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for the advice, I guess having healthy practices is the best way forward. Yoga will address my spine as I enjoy all the other benefits it offers. I do intuit that getting your spine in good shape is one of the best things you can do for your health, as that's a major channel of chi/life force. I have plans to do various detoxing processes in the future anyways, which will surely be beneficial.