OrangeOak

You’re a stuck in a black radio-static sandstorm, sometimes dying down to reveal a landscape- a dark forest where logic disintegrates. The trees are coated in a thick black tar, and there is no forest floor. It descends into endless roots and underground spaces. The leaves are so dense that it’s impossible to see their end, giving the sense that they go on forever, becoming birds of the night. The birds themselves circle quietly above, but they are just as dense as the leaves. Somehow they convey a sense of deeply disguised malignancy. The black sky is woven by the flight of the birds, wrapping the canopy in shadowy ribbons.

@CoolDreamThanks It's kind of not fair if you ask me. Thank you anyway

Thank you for that. I don't really care about the forum, or any drama on it. And I don't spend much time here. I just don't want my name on here anymore, and I wish that wish was respected by Leo or whoever has admin control, because I don't seem to have the option to delete my account or posts, or to change my name. Someone tell me if I'm missing something.

Just to say, I would really appreciate if there was a way I could delete my profile and posts, or at least change my username, because I'm not comfortable having my real name on here anymore, and some of the other posts I've made have deeply personal information I only shared because I was in a time of desperation. But I need to share my story of where I'm at with all of this. I was once a very exuberant, social person. I had many friends and people I felt close to in my life. When I was 19, I smoked weed for the first time, and had my first proper relationship. This was all positive and I cherish those memories. It was during this time that I opened my heart and mind a lot and grew a lot. But when I did LSD for the first time, I became so open and it was positive, lots of laughter, play and hugs, but towards the end of the trip I became extremely paranoid thinking I wasn't as loved and liked as I thought, I became very self-conscious for the first time in a long time. Smoking weed has never been a positive experience since then, and has always included these same paranoid thoughts and anxiety, and has slowly gotten worse. But still, I stayed close to my friends and everything was fine. But then I had to leave that country and return home (losing connection with all my friends). When I returned, I had a couple of negative experiences which affirmed this growing negative feeling about myself. (My mother lost her shit at me, screaming and shaking with anger). (My old best friend said I was behaving obnoxiously and that if it continued it would negatively affect the friendship). I thought I was just being myself. Soon after this, I was spending a lot of time alone on a farm. I would smoke weed, and ruminate constantly about the bad things that had happened to me. I became very depressed and I was grieving over the friends I had lost, and that happy, fun version of myself I felt disconnected from. Life became quite meaningless, and my main source of meaning was hoping I would go back to New Zealand and be with all my friends again soon. But I couldn't, because of COVID. So I waited for a year, and in that time I was exposed to many new perspectives on human emotion, connection etc. I was exposed to spirituality for the first time, and in my search for meaning and fulfillment, I latched onto it pretty hard. But I didn't go super deep with it. I read Joe Dispenza's 'Becoming Supernatural' and watched Alan Watts videos, among other things. I spent a lot of time that year comparing myself to who I used to be, and worrying if I would still be just as loved and liked as I was before when I eventually returned to NZ, as I had vowed to do. And Inevitably, from the combination of my insecurity and exposure to spiritual ideas, I developed the 'spiritual ego'. I thought, "It doesn't matter what happens to me, or if people like me or not. Fuck them, because I am in possession of the truth and they are ignorant, shallow people anyway". This was my safety net. Eventually, I had the opportunity to return to NZ, so I immediately booked my flights and I was filled with Joy and excitement that I would see all my friends again and be happy again. When I arrived, I was greeted so warmly by everyone, and I got back together with my girlfriend straight away. But I couldn't shake this overwhelming insecurity that had festered in me in anticipation of my reunion with everyone. I was too psychologically ungrounded to hold a connection with anyone, apart from my girlfriend. We were blessed with a pure connection that cut through all of that. So I had to live with the pain of not feeling connected to my friends there like I was before, and I foolishly started smoking weed again with my girlfriend, which made it impossible for me to brake through my fear and get out of my head. I gradually saw less and less of my friends, because it brought me more pain than joy to see them, until it was only my girlfriend who I spent time with. This was when I discovered Actualized.org, and I gluttonously consumed Leo's content for 9 months, without being even remotely ready for it, or mature enough to handle those truths about Self, Mind, God, Love etc. I was so mentally fragile, and I tried to ground myself using the concepts in the videos, but it had the opposite effect. I knew it wasn't helping, but I kept thinking I would find the 'one video' that solved it all for me. And I was already so in pain that I would foolishly be open to any ideas. I become so mentally unwell that I had to leave my girlfriend and come back home to my family in England, where I would try and rebuild myself. I would make a big push of super healthy-eating and exercise etc. but I would just spiral and fall every time because I could never find that paranoia-free connection I wanted. I feel like I'm stuck with this mess of spiritual concepts in the back of my mind, on top of all the other trauma, and My body and mind are now burnt-out. The weight of regret is so heavy. My relationship to other people and how I see them has changed so much, I feel cut-off from the world and others, and I feel like I'm slowly dying. My heart is closed, and my mind is a twisted, dark forest. I'm drowning in the mess of my own mind. How does a young man navigate this in society? Why can't I let go of this shit? I wish I could go back. If I could do things differently I would never have smoked weed or done psychedelics. And I wouldn't recommend them to anyone, there are plenty of other ways to be joyful which are much more meaningful and grounded.

I want to implement a 30 minute meditation first thing every morning for the new year. I have never been a consistent meditator, so this is the year. My main pursuit for next year will be the social domain: honing all kinds of social skills for dating, friendship, leadership etc. So I am wondering which type of meditation would best suit me for this? I struggle with focus a lot and remembering what I'm up to. I was thinking something like: 10 minutes concentration, followed by 15 minutes do nothing, followed by 5 minutes concentration. Or would mindfulness meditation suit me better? I have mostly done do nothing, but I'm not looking for a quieter mind so much as I'm looking to train my ability to become fully absorbed in activities. One might say I have ADHD, although I am not diagnosed. Any advice would be much appreciated.

In March I am going to live on this farm for 7 months. It's in a beautiful location. It's 100% organic. The people there are earthy, mindful, hippy types. I have lived there before, but only as a volunteer. This time I am going as a trainee to become a facilitator on their programs. Once I am trained I can earn a living doing this. This is what they're about: "At the heart of our approach is an immersive residential experience involving the development of relationships with the land, with work and with ourselves." It's a wholistic form of alternative education: https://www.onthehill.camp In going here, I am hoping to make real, deep friendships and take another step towards my life purpose. Another reason I'm going is to heal. I know someone there, who operates in plant medicine circles, and she provided me with a San Pedro experience I'll never forget. She's done hundreds of ceremonies, and I'm hoping to have the opportunity to take part and see if I can heal through this modality. It's not just the psychedelics though, it's the people. And I'm a people person, so being around the right people is essential for my emotional growth. But I am conflicted. At the moment I live in a lovely city, and I am close to my family. I have my own place for the first time in my life, and I have a job working in a school. On the farm I will be living in a caravan. I know a few people here, but I wouldn't say I have any close friendships. Being near family is good because it's comforting and I get a lot of support, but it's bad because I get a lot of toxicity/conflict from certain family members. Meeting girls and working on my game is another thing I want to continue working on this year, and that may be harder if I'm living on the farm. Maybe. The nearest big city is only a half-hour drive away, though. Just for context, I have been living here for 11 months since getting back from New Zealand, and I've given it a very good shot. I got rid of my smartphone. I've approached at least 50 people. Lots of cold showers. I started a new job and did very well. I did a 2 month no-fap streak. I quit coffee and smoking. I've repaired certain relationships in my family. I've eaten well, I've got a good water filter. I've been to many yoga classes. I've reconnected with old friends. I've made new friends (not satisfying friendships though). There are some commitments I made which I haven't followed through on: Talking to 5 strangers a day. Going out working on my game 3 days a week. I would like to have done more socializing, but my intuition says I need to heal bit first in order to create the relationships I'm looking for. And I don't know if I can heal in the city. Writing this has helped me make up my mind, but please share any thoughts! Being in the city pros: -Easier to meet girls -Easy to attend events, classes -Easier to meet people -Hometown, familiarity -Being around family -Having my own place -Childhood friends live here Being in the city cons: -Harder to find the people I resonate with -Being around family -I have to travel to be in nature -Rat-race vibes, busy anxious energy -Rent is extortionate -My job pays badly, and I don't like it that much.

Coincidence number one: I started a new job as a teacher 4 weeks before the summer break. There was a girl there who I really felt attracted to. On the last day of school all the teachers went out drinking and we talked all night and shared a kiss (me and the girl). I had no idea she liked me before then. After that, our only communication was a few texts over the 6 week summer break. I worked through an agency, and I wasn't asked to rejoin the school until the 3rd week back after summer. I didn't tell anyone I was coming back. I got to work on the Monday morning at 9am and saw her, she was pleased to see me but very surprised. I later realized I had received A text from her at 8:50am saying "Hey, how are you?" ten minutes before I walked into the staff room! (This was about 4 days ago). I was hesitant about pursuing anything with her as she told me she has a lot of issues, which is something I need less of in my life. I'm also acing being single and making lots of progress with my personal development. But is this a sign I should go for it? She seems into me and everything. Coincidence number two: I had an audition for a choir at my local university. I got to the campus early and I was feeling anxious so I decided to approach a stranger and perform my song to them. There were lots of people sitting around. The first person I came across was a lovely Taiwanese phd student. I told her about my audition and asked her if I could perform the song. My audition was at 16:30, and the auditions were taking place from 10-18:00. Astonishingly, she was also auditioning for the same choir, and her audition was at 16:25! (This happened today) I passed my audition, doing way better than I thought I would. What is the meaning of this?

I've been drinking again for the first time in ages. I've noticed I often get little half-baked mystical insights the morning after, but they're never full or clear enough to pin down. Does anyone else get this? Also, when I'm hangover after a really good night, I often can't tell if I feel really good or really dreadful. It's like I feel both at the same time. I didn't know which discussion to put this in but I wanted to share it.

@HadhADHKJASD2 Don't give up. Things will get better. Strategically plan your escape, and have patience and discipline. My recommendation would be: Get a social job (i.e. teaching assistant, support worker). Something where you can feel useful and practice your social skills. (Very important for a young man, which I assume you are). These jobs are entry level, anyone can do it. And always go to work, no matter how shit you may feel, or how hopeless/meaningless life may seem. You need structure to your day, and a source of income. Don't go to college/university yet. Unless you are very clear about why you are going, and you really want to, then I wouldn't go. You'll be left with a lot of debt and 3-4 years you can't get back. Make sure you're hitting these 5 things everyday: This is the bare minimum for good mental health. 1. 30 mins of physical exercise, 2. Minimum 10 mins of sunlight on your skin, 3. healthy food (see Leo's video 'how to shop for healthy food'), 4. Good sleep. There is an abundance of information on how to maximize quality sleep. Research and implement. It's one of the most crucial things for your mental health. 5. Social connection: Parties, friends, family. Quality time with people. Bonus: Eliminate addictions: nicotine, sugar, gaming, YouTube etc. Addictions make you unhappy. It sounds like you need to devote most of your spare time and energy into developing your social skills/confidence, friends and girls (talking to strangers daily, practicing different aspects of social skills). I suspect a lot of your other worries could evaporate once you get this area sorted, although there's no saying how long it will take. You have to be prepared for it to take years, but the reward will be immense. Remember sex is on the same level as air and food in terms of basic human needs. If your career/future is a big source of stress, I would also devote time to that daily, but just take a step back and approach it in a calm way. You're so young. You could screw around for the next 5 years and still be able to achieve remarkable things. I would recommend Leo's life purpose course for that, if you're serious. I am pretty much in the same situation as you to be honest, but now I'm pretty clear on what I need to do to get out of the hole I'm in, it's just a matter of execution and not getting distracted. There's so much to say, but I don't want to over complicate it for you. Although please PM me if you want to discuss this further. Good luck!

Dr. Alan Goldhamer has been running a water-only fasting clinic somewhere in California since the 80s, and has seen thousands of patients reverse symptoms of diabetes, hashimotos, high blood pressure, insomnia, brain fog, anxiety and other diseases related to dietary excess. There is so much to go into but I'll let people investigate for themselves as he is very visibly passionate about his work and is easy to listen to . The main thoughts I wanted to share were: The benefits of long fasts, like 40 days, for spirituality: Jesus, Moses etc. and the many other anecdotal reports people have on this. I once met someone who spent two weeks fasting in the wild, who broke down in tears because of how beautiful people became to them after the two weeks. I wonder what this could do for you spiritually? When combined with breathwork, Yoga, meditation and just being immersed in nature. What if you did NoFap the whole time as well? People say that has a profound effect on a man's spiritual faculties. Imagine how starved you brain would be of dopamine after this amount of time, it would be the ultimate dopamine detox. I'm surprised no one has done anything this extreme purely out of curiosity as to what would happen. What if psychedelics were incorporated somehow? @Leo Gura Would you ever consider undertaking something like this? For science. Seeing as you have the balls to do 5meo DMT for 30 days straight. Maybe that level of mystical healing is possible but it just requires a 40 day fast followed by some 5meo? 100% purity not just in the mind but also in the body (as in no thing in your system). Have you tried a medically supervised fast of this length to try and improve your health problems? Maybe sometimes the best diet could be no food at all? Just hypothesizing. I am very interested in this idea of purifying the body through complete abstinence of food/supplement intake. He says the body has vast nutrient reserves it can resort to in the absence of food. He says that fasting for periods of 2 days to 40 days straight are possible, and can have the following benefits plus more: Detoxification of things like micro plastics, heavy metals etc. Apparently this is similar to what happens during chelation, and could be a more natural alternative, but I don't know, I've only just begun investigating. What's the forum's thoughts? Reversal of Dietary excess-related disease. Dramatically slowing the rate of aging when followed through with a whole plant-based food diet. This is essential to maintain the benefits offered. Reduction of intolerance to certain foods.

@Carl-Richard What harm could actually come of doing the 5meo? I'm not planning on doing it at all but I'm just curious as to what you think could go wrong if someone in my situation were to do it?

I did have a hunch the acid and weed might've done something. Thank you for your insights, I will into getting a good therapist.

Yeah, I think I've been getting ahead of myself. Thank you. I need to put my energy into building the base of the hierarchy of needs pyramid for now.

That's so helpful, to have your experience to relate mine to. And it seems like you found your way out of it pretty well, congrats. That list of 'grounding pillars' looks a lot like the things I've identified that will help me. I still need more socializing, and I don't have a therapist yet, but I am just about to start working as a teaching assistant, working with kids who have special education needs. Uncanny! I'm also about to move in with my brother, which will be much better than living alone.

Thanks. It's funny how this should be obvious yet I needed to be told anyway.