Clarence

I've been feeling the need to express this part of myself to the forum for a while now. That is: I am transgender. Over the last three years, I underwent a transition from female to male. I transitioned physically, then legally, then socially. I was two years into my physical transition before I chose my name and changed pronouns. I made everything official before making it social, which isn't the usual process. But I'm not a usual person. Deciding on my name and on the transition itself were the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. It was a very difficult process, as my gender identity never felt crystal clear. I've never felt female, but I've never felt fully male either. All I knew, since I was a 6-year-old child, was that being born in a masculine body would have been right for me, and that being in a female body was not. I wanted a male-born body, but no amount of transition could ever give me that. So it proved incredibly difficult for me to accept something I never wanted to be: a transgender person. I didn't feel at peace with the idea of living for the rest of my life as a woman, but I also didn't feel at peace with the idea of being transgender. In all honesty, I hated it, wholeheartedly. And with so much immaturity and hatred in this world around the trans issue, reaching acceptance and peace with it, especially when one is directly involved, is made even harder. But I reached a point where I couldn't continue to live as a woman. It was too incongruent to who I truly was. My body was a stranger to me. I couldn't hear myself speak with this feminine voice I had, I didn't recognize my face in the mirror, and I couldn't stand the shadow of my chest that never fully disappeared, despite all the uncomfortable binding. The disconnection between my mind and my body only grew stronger as the years went by. The last years before trantitioning were some of the hardest of my life, as I became desperate to appear as the person I wanted to be, all the while knowing that I never truly could without surgery, hormonal therapy, and significant legal changes. Still, I was afraid of making the wrong decision. What if living as a woman was still a better option, not to have to deal with an awkward social transition and the reality of a body that could never be cisgender? Starting hormonal therapy was difficult, going through surgery was difficult, changing my name and pronouns was difficult. Yet, I highly needed each change. Each of them helped me begin to reconnect with myself, slowly rebuilding the bridge between my mind and my body, leading me towards deeper peace in my own incarnation. It is important for me to share this, as I want to be seen for who I truly am. I am very different from the majority of men for this very serious reason: I grew up and lived as a woman for 27 years, even though I never felt like one. This is fundamental to who I am today. This part of my identity will always be within me and deeply shapes my psyche. I now feel fully at peace with my new name, my new pronouns, and my new body. I know now that it was the right decision. I needed it to be myself. I needed the appearance of a male to feel at home in my body. But I will never feel like a cisgender man, just as I could never have felt like a cisgender woman. Agender is the word that truly matches my inner feelings, despite my strong preference for a male presentation. It's been exactly one year today since my gender and name officially changed, on April 15, 2024. This forum was my first ever social experience using a male identity, back in late 2023. Clarence was supposed to be my official name, but it didn’t pass the test in French. I finally found another name that I love and that fits my personality just as perfectly. It required over five years for me to find it. I'm relieved to be where I am today. It was a very tough process and I'm glad it is over. I'm finally free to be myself. Thank you to all who took the time to read, and thank you to @Leo Gura for creating and sustaining this place. This forum has been — and continues to be — very important to my own journey. I'll leave you with three pictures of me: one from my childhood, one from my teenage years, and one as the adult I now am. For images can express even deeper layers of truth.

How deeply do you desire to Awaken? It all depends on how much you desire it. If you truly need it, you likely won't be able to let it go — and could consider less convenient options to reach your goal, such as traveling. You need to get clear on the strength and depth of your desire. You could also let it all go for a while if you're unsure, to see what happens and how you feel. If it's very important to you, it will surface again. I don't think there are easy ways to do this work, which is why the sincerity of your desire matters so much.

I'm not into that. I desire a relationship where the dynamic is as equal as possible (intellectually, spiritually, and sexually). I feel too much frustration when there is a significant gap. From my experience in dating, I've found that this is what I need and desire most. You can simply picture yourself, as the man you are, in a female body. The pain and discomfort that arise is what it feels like to be trans. It’s not about picturing yourself wanting to be a girl, but about picturing yourself in a girl’s body while still being yourself — a man. You’d just want to be back to normal. That’s why trans people desire to transition so badly.

@xeontor You're the one not being specific. What about you picking one of the arguments you agree with and elaborating on it — expressing your own understanding and opinion about it? You're not doing any serious work here, only asking AI and other members of the forum to do it for you.

I understand that the ideal is not necessarily one specific person. I pointed to one for each gender to offer a mental image of what it could look like or mean for me, just as you did when you mentioned an old, wise, loving, and nurturing woman for the feminine, and the ideal version of yourself for the masculine. I used the same parallel. I honestly couldn't give you a description of my own ideals right now. It would take a lot of time to articulate, and it would require a very deep understanding of the psychology, roles, and dynamics of both genders, which I currently don't have. So, I can't give you a satisfying answer at this point. Attraction is not standard for me, but I'm mostly attracted to men. Same sex relationships feel more natural for me, and sexually, I'm only attracted to male bodies. But I get along with and understand the female mind very well, so I’m somewhat attracted to females as well. The only thing is that the sexual aspect would be more challenging, as I don't feel a genuine attraction to the female body, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship with a heterosexual dynamic. So, to keep things simple, I've only been dating men. What about you?

@Yimpa Yes, being trans is really hard. There are many ordeals we go through. I hope you've healed from this specific trauma. It might require more time, but suffering is what pushes us the most towards healing and transformation — as you also seem conscious of. Facing all those challenges and traumatic events is a part of being trans, with the aspiration of reaching a place of deeper acceptance and self-love. That is all I wish for you. If you faced abuse before your transition, it makes everything harder. This requires more specific healing, so it no longer holds you back or reignites pain. I also have trauma to work through, so I understand how difficult it can be. You are brave for sharing this.

Yup. Well, I could've easily entered any date on my profile, but it is my actual date of birth

Happy Birthday to you, Leo! Today is also my birthday, turning 29 I hope you've made some plans for a nice day. 40 is quite something… I'm happy to share my birthday with you. Alien Love to you.

@xeontor Why don't you share your own thoughts, perspective, and understanding? You're hiding behind AI. And AI doesn't guarantee truth. You still need to use your mind. Who gets to decide whether AI is correct or not? Is it AI, or is it humans?

I think our ancestors shape us in many unconscious ways, like a pathway of genetic inheritance. Elements of who we are are transmitted from them. It can be in the form of personality traits, similar fears or interests, but also important is the weight of the collective memory. But how do we determine what the source of something is? It's complex, and everything is blended together. I simply couldn't tell you how my ancestors shape me. This question is too vast and difficult to answer, and I have no easy or direct experience of them.

You're welcome. What you're sharing is very interesting as well. But I'm not sure whether I have a masculine or a feminine ideal. I actually don't fully understand how to ask myself that question. In either case, I think my ideal would be the expression of higher consciousness and intelligence, regardless of gender. It's very hard for me to envision an ideal man or woman, quite truly. But if I had to, I'd intuitively think of Emma Watson as an ideal feminine figure. As for a man, I might not have one. Though, perhaps it could be my father, the masculine figure I never knew. I was 13 when he passed and 2 when my parents separated. So, in a way, he’s an ideal for me, as I never had a conversation with him as an adult and my memories of him as a child are pretty much all forgotten. Since I don’t really know who he was, he can be my ideal for a man. As for a person without a dominant gender, I could also be my own ideal, or rather, the mental image of my most evolved, conscious, self. I've always kept Nietsche's following quote in mind since I learned it at university: Become who you are. It carries a lot of depth. All I had ever heard until then, from people around me, was Be yourself. But that assumes you already know who you are and can express it immediately. But that's not true. It's a long and ongoing process to discover oneself and to embody it, even more so when it comes to becoming the ideal, most conscious and authentic version of oneself.

That's true… I will simply focus on that. But it makes sense to be curious about it. You don't meet people who've taken 100 mg of 5-MeO every day.

I was targeting sensemaking at every layer of depth — or rather, I was targeting all possible Awakenings. I believe you must have reached deeper Awakenings trough very high doses (such as Alien Love). But it makes sense that such trips would also be harder to make sense of or remember. I'm thinking long term here for myself. I was just wondering whether to focus only on normal and high doses, or also consider slowly increasing the doses if that meant going further. I'm not in a hurry to increase, and I still have a lot of tripping to do regardless. I also understand this work is cumulative, so it was just about gaining more clarity on this specific aspect. You've basically answered my questions. I do still wonder what else you experienced on those dosages, but it might not be possible or valuable for you to share.

Of course, that's why my questions were geared towards the benefits of high dosing for sensemaking.

Not at all… I think this one had sugar in it

What you're saying makes a lot of sense, but my questions were more about how clear and valuable those trips were for you, to gain insight into their potential benefits before experimenting myself.

I will, thank you! Just waiting for more space in my life. I also wanted to ask what your thoughts are on ramping up to the 50-100+ mg range with 5-MeOs. How worth it is it? You just said that normal doses can be enough, but don't you think the higher doses brought you something the lower doses couldn't have? As you said… Alien Love. It sounds significant that it happened on extremely high doses — at least the first time. I'm wondering how valuable you think extremely high doses are for accessing higher degrees of understanding.

@Leo Gura Then, the Alien Consciousness course will also be about teaching how to develop deeper creativity and imagination? I had one experience of Alien Love, but I was still fully aware of this reality. It definetely wasn't as radical as your Alien Hyper Intelligence Awakening. I feel like I could reach much deeper awakenings before taking the course — it's even clearer now with what you shared today.

Is that how it was for you — that your mind still wasn’t open enough for it to happen, until it was?

That's great news if it's not bound to rarer or more dangerous chemicals. I didn't really know up to now that you had accessed it through classic psychedelics. Not to mean that taking very high doses of substances is not dangerous too, but at least it's accessible. If I remember correctly, you were never able to reach it without taking such risks? So it might not be limited to the chemical, but to the quantity.

So, you accessed Alien God through very high doses of 5-MeO (100 mg+)?

Beautiful, Espresso ☕

The energy from his older to his newer videos has completely changed. I feel a very deep sense of peace and calm, which I find very sweet. He also embodies deeper maturity and presence overall, though he already was very charismatic and grounded before. I also find him more understanding and gentle toward people. There is a deeper awareness, especially around suffering, which makes him sweeter in many aspects. He still doesn't fail to directly point out at people's corruption, stupidity, and ignorance, but that's also wisdom. It takes great force to get people to hear you, especially when you're at complete odds with the crowd. So it's true he's also quite spicy… but spicy espresso are the perfect balance 😎

I prefer the espresso for the soul. Brrrr Leo, you're sweeter than chili peppers, I promise. The older and wiser you become, the sweeter you are

Good share! Some thoughts from you under the video would make it more appealing to click on it, but it's very good content. It's a shame they repeat the same ideas several times throughout the video, but otherwise, the core message is profound.