Clarence

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Has it always been the case? Or was it acquired after a bit of experience with 5-MeO?

I do. I will.

That isn't true. I have many dreams in which I know I'm dreaming. Being lucid doesn't necessarily stop a nightmare. In the last lucid nightmare I had, I knew I was dreaming and I could consciously decide of my actions with the same awareness I have now, but all other characters had a will of their own and I could not decide for them. There were also events happening which were out of my control. I knew it was a night dream as I was conscious of that, but I was still strongly affected by it as a real character of the dream, just as I know now that this life is a dream, but I am still strongly affected by it. I could not just decide to wake up either. My will or state of consciousness was not strong or high enough to allow that. The same way that I can't awaken right now by my will alone. All I could do was dream until I finally woke up.

Isn't it important for men too to get in touch with their emotions, feelings and so forth? Not especially in the dating environment, but in life in general.

How was this like? Could you tell more about it? It's a very curious expression.

No, I don't. But I haven't searched for books. I listen to Matías De Stefano as an inspiration and I exchange with people around me who have that kind of gifts and can give me direct advice. I'm not very familiar. Does he also touch the topic of reincarnation? Because your question is more about that than about dreams in a sense.

@Davino I understand how that can feel. I am in a situation I really hate and still have to go through it. It's really hard. What I meant with the psilocybin trip I had is that I discovered peace in being in that situation, in doing things I didn't like or didn't want to do. I felt peace even though the situation hadn't change. Everything then was made much easier. Unfortunately it was not a miracle cure as after a week, the magic stopped (maybe my brain chemistry was better during that week and that must have helped). I couldn't reproduce that state again - also I only had one other chance to take psilocybin after that, but I still hold this memory as a reminder that the situation would be different if my state/outlook/feeling about it was different. So now I try to change my state and mindset with other methods as I think it would be of much help. I feel that having such a switch in your mind could help you too. Can't you think about some method you haven't tried that could maybe help? Also, do you even still want to work in the engineering field? If not… can't you stop the studies and start working right now in a sector that would feel better for you until you start your own business - if that's what you ultimately want?

I don't have access to my past lives either, but I think that one way to know more about them could be to meet people who have psychic abilities in this domain (such as accessing the Akashic Records, doing past life regressions or whatever works). I've been to a therapeutic healer once who told me out of the blue that I had been a monk in my (or "a", as I didn't ask) past life. The funny thing is that I had the intention to become a monastic and I had lived for 9 months in a monastery with that intention. I hadn't talked at all about that part of my life with her before she told me that. And she then said that it was not too uncommon to go back to what felt familiar (and good in the past), though it turned out it wasn't the right path for me in this life. Now I feel the need to know more about my past (past lives, but also childhood, as I have very few memories of it, and even of my ancestors, like my father or further back, as certain things are transmitted from generation to generation). I think that understanding and getting to know the past better will help me to move forwards. So my suggestion is to look for methods to do it yourself or if you can't, look for people who can help. I think that it's pretty easy to know if someone has real psychic abilities from someone who does not, so that's not really a concern - but obviously it's important to be mindful and if possible, to check with different methods and/or people. Have you ever tried one of those methods - alone or with the help of someone? It could very well be dreams from past lives but it could also be something else. It might be helpful to have other methods to verify this if you can. Though, that is just a suggestion as I am not an expert in the domain.

@Davino I have a similar struggle… it's really hard to build interest and work ethics for the most human aspects of life when consciousness work is so fascinating. I haven't found a solution for this yet either. But what I think would be of much help for me would be to go from a state of survival and dissonance to a state of flow and alignment with aspects of myself I'm not enough in touch with (like higher self, intuition, expansion… in the daily human life). That's currently what I am working on. I would also place my focus first on passion and joy - doing and going for things that I like and that I think would bring me joy, rather than on work and things that I don't really want to do but feel like I should be doing. So my focus is on finding interests again in human aspects of life, even if those are not bringing me money, for example. I think that those two aspects could improve daily human life a lot and they do not exclude going for peak experiences. There is not really a choice in the end but to find a way to combine the two in the best way we can. And the alignment and joy could help a lot to think and feel better about living as a human. So maybe focusing only on the work you should be doing to improve the human aspects of life is not inspiring enough. You might need a different approach or way of living life that doesn't exactly include that right now but which could still make you grow and lead you towards a beautiful and rewarding life (and out of this painful in-between in which you feel stuck). From reading you, I don't think you could completely put aside spirituality for some years to build an infrastructure, but reducing the time you spend into spirituality for a while to create a new balance of the two could be a possibility. What do you think about that? Could it help you change things around in your mind? Would thinking about doing it that way crush your soul all as much? I still have a lot of reflexions to do on that topic as well because it is a serious concern. It's quite a relief to know that others are struggling with that too. I agree with @LambdaDelta. Have you tried that already? I had amazing results once with psilocybin so I believe it can be very beneficial.

Yes, indeed. I hadn't thought about it that way. That's helpful, thank you. The pursuit of truth is my highest priority (but currently next to healing myself and improving my psychology). That's a good point… I really wish I had some psychic abilities from birth, but I don't. For example, I've been following the work of Matías De Stefano recently and I've been fascinated by his sharings. He remembers hundreds of his past lives and much more, and a lot of what he shares makes sense to me in a similar way that what you share as always made sense to me. Though, his whole talk and energy is very different. However I still feel that something about being interested in that is not quite right, but I can't put my finger on what that is exactly. Maybe, but not sure, that feeling could come from the fact that I deeply know that I need to explore consciousness through psychedelics much more to verify and expand my understanding of reality in a very direct way. But I can't do that now because of my life settings. So what feels wrong could be that I feel that I should be doing psychedelics first, despite the fact that what he shares and remembers is mindblowing and fascinating. Have you ever listened to Matías De Stefano? I've watched several videos of him and just stumbled upon this one. I'm amazed again at the wisdom and intelligence he delivers and, right in this one, I discovered how close his understanding of God Consciousness is from your teachings, despite the method being so different as he remembers being it.

Thanks. I sometimes have a hard time to know where exactly I stand on that because I am interested in aspects of spirituality and understanding of reality which are not discussed here (such as looking into past lives cases and desiring to remember mine). That is just one example. I don't think I get locked into New Age paradigms though as I have a pretty deep understanding of reality compared to most people, but as my understanding of what is considered New Age and what is not is not precise, it is somehow hard to know what terms can be used (in regard of the work of Actualized.org) for those other interests in spirituality I have. My intuition tells me it is not New Age in the way I think and learn about those things, but there is still some confusion in my mind about the exact words and expressions. I don't want to be wrong about that, especially because I created a belief from following this work that New Age is bad and something to be ashamed of, but the irony is that I don't exactly know what New Age really is (or really is not). Though I somehow intuit that too…

Could you give an exemple of a New Age type of paradigm? I am not certain to know what those are and what precisely is meant by New Age. For exemple, would believing in past lives and reincarnation - or at least, in the possibility of it here (as there are verified cases of people remembering their past lives) be considered a New Age type of paradigm?

Leo, could you share with us what made you come back? Especially from a stage where you were out of purpose and not knowing whether you would come back, to recovering a sense of purpose again. Was this particularly difficult and did you have to put a lot of conscious effort into getting your life purpose back, or did it come back naturally after resting and going through the suffering and the new understandings you had to go through? I kind of wonder to what degree one can force themselves to recover when being in such deep states of suffering and out of touch with all meaning. As a side note: I can't wait for the video in which you will blackpill us (I already am pretty badly) and the one in which you will talk about how to develop hope and optimism in the face of all of that. I've been blackpilled very early in my life, as I could deeply feel the suffering of others at school and of the world at a very young age (6-10 years old), and then as a teenager (13-14 years old) as I started to look closely into the suffering inflected to animals (I spent hours watching the worst kinds of suffering inflicted to them, especially in slaughterhouses and factory farming, as I thought that "not turning a blind eye" was the right thing to do). As if that wasn't enough, I then turned my focus on the suffering inflicted to humans, and in particular, to scenes of tortures, litteraly (for example, people chopped into pieces alive, people face skinned alive, parents hanging themselves in front of their children, people forced to be eaten alive by dogs, etc). I thought it was necessary to be able to face the devilry humans were capable to commit in order to better understand the harshness of reality, and at the same time, I felt that it was well deserved for humans to suffer that much too, as many were so heartless towards animals - or just, so heartless. All this completely structured my psyche in a way in which I now deeply despise humanity. I hate the world, I hate this planet. But more so, I completely stopped caring about the planet, about humans and their so limited level of consciousness and intelligence. I have deep pain and aversions within me I can't find how to revert. I feel like no "beautiful thing" in the world can compensate for the suffering that takes place all around us and for the lack of consciousness within humans. I turned my mind inside out so deeply that I wonder whether I will ever recover. But at the same time, I still am capable of loving, and in particular, of feeling metaphysical love. But I really struggle about living in this world and about caring for the material and human domains of life (having a career, sex, status, success… none of this makes sense to me nor interests me). The only real interests I have are to reach the highest states of consciousness, to really deeply understand Consciousness, and to understand why I even exist here as this particular limited self on this particular planet - if that can even be answered. Also, I deeply desire to understand the functionning of my own mind - why I am the way I am, precisely, and how I can transcend the suffering that comes with the special wiring of my mind. The sad thing is that, even though I can feel an extremely high interest for spirituality and God Consciousness, it doesn't connect with me on an emotionnal level. I can't feel that passion I know I really have deep down, because I suffer and because I've suffered so much. And this absence of positive feedback/feelings makes me feel a lot of despair and it burdens me deeply, because I wonder how and why to fight for a life I somewhat know I could desire, if I can't feel nor imagine any joy or fulfilment coming from actualizing it. Thus, this question I have about how and why you got back in touch with your life purpose and what it entailed. Even though we have a very different life journey and psyche, it could be insightful in some way, whatever the answer is.

For me, plugging comes up extremely fast, within 2 minutes. I barely have time to find a comfortable position before the trip starts and I breakthrough in a matter of seconds. Smoking might be more tricky because you have to get the technique right for it to work. So it might actually take more time and be more stressful if you're not familiar with smoking. My first trial did not get me to trip. I followed the technique I've found on the forum, but lacking the experience, I've failed. There was more things to think about and so the whole process took longer. I was concerned about not burning the substance, but to heat it enough, and then to get as much smoke in as possible while I didn't know when exactly it was time to start smoking. In the end, I just got the taste of 5-MeO-DMT in my mouth. So as for now, I find plugging far more straighforward and it leaves my mind more at peace for the trip. It's not recommended either to start with too high of a dose because you don't know your sensitivity to the substance yet (it might still be too little, but it could also be too much). You don't know what a "good high dose" for you is at this point and you don't know what you can handle. So it could be a very difficult experience if you don't get the dose in what would be a manageable range for you, and if your mindset is not good (if you might want to strongly resist the trip or if you have a strong fear of having a panick attack), it could also negatively affect the trip. So be careful.

@bambi Yes, I know.

Vegans are not vegan for ethic or moral reasons. They are vegan - and advocate for veganism - for and foremost because of their own selfishness. A lot of them are vegan because they can't stand seeing the suffering of animals, so they want to reduce the amount of animal suffering in order to suffer less themselves. If they didn't have that sensitivity in themselves in the first place, they wouldn't care as much as they do. So I think that "ethics" and "moral" come second in most people's process to become vegan and advocate for veganism. Those are the arguments they put forth in order to attempt converting people to their cause. But what came first was their own sensitivity to animal suffering - and so their own suffering in regard to it. In a sense, they got "trapped" in making the connection between the food they eat and the animals that suffer for it… and so they want the rest of the world to make that connection in order to reduce their suffering alongside with the suffering of animals. They are pretty biased because they are sensitive to that particular form of suffering the most while there are all kinds of suffering around for which they do not advocate as much for or at all for. Many vegans have their mind focused on that one thing only and they feel like they have to fight for it. But their attitude is far often too radical and enforcing. They're missing a larger perspective of what they are doing and they don't have the ability to really see from the perspective of the non-vegans. That doesn't help their talk because enforcing their view onto others doesn't work. In the end, people won't become vegan for moral reasons, they will become vegan if they resonate with veganism (with this particular "moral issue") at a much deeper level that. Plus, veganism for the entire world will likely never be possible, and it would likely never be a fully viable option (one simple reason being that many people actually need animal products to be healthy, another reason being that the cereal or fruit industry also kills millions of insects and animals for their production). Obviously, lots of progress can be made for the animals and the planet… but the fully vegan approach likely isn't the best option anyway.

@enchanted Thank you…

I'm in a very difficult place right now. I live with my mother and my 93 years old grandmother. We are all struggling and suffering for our own reasons and living together is made very difficult. My grandmother needs constant care and attention, which means my mother and I don't have any freedom and we have to serve her for everything. This has been going on for three years. We're both out of energy and even out of patience with her, but there's not much we can do to help her to understand that. Her mind is not working well enough anymore. She forgets everything we tell her or she doesn't understand what we try to explain… as a result, she keeps getting on our nerves. My life has been on hold because of that, but I would feel terribly guilty to leave them. It would be terrible for my mother because I am a support for her (we're in this together), but for my grandmother also because any change is strongly affecting her mind for the worse. I'd like to leave the house, but I have a low income as I am not free to work because of the presence my grandmother needs and as my mental health is really bad. I think I would still be able to rent an appartment, but all of my money would go on food, rent and bills. And, I would still have to spend half of the week in my mother's house to look after my grandmother (so, full rent for half living). I'm really wondering if I'm right or wrong about feeling bad about abandonning them, and wondering how I could think about the situation differently. My psychiatrist just tell me to leave the house, but I don't feel it's so simple - at least it's not for me. And she doesn't really offer me new perspectives on my issues. I really struggle to find a way out. A better life for me would be to live alone, work on my health and my mental health, and then get to know my values, my life purpose, and to deepen my spiritual understanding - put simply, to have time and space to develop myself. But I'm completely stuck in this family life situation. I've been waiting for my grandmother to pass… but who knows how much longer she'll be with us. It also induces guilty feelings to think in this way. And likely when she'll die, I'll still feel like I need to stay for my mother as a support, as she'll be devastated and won't receive much support from other people. That makes me foresee that I could be waiting indifinitely if I'm not careful, and I know this is not what I want despite being out of touch with my life and my self right now. But still, the attachment is strong and I feel like leaving, even for half the week, is a terrible option for them and for me. It feels like all options are bad and my thinking is currently very blurry and confused. @Leo Gura I'd be interested to know your opinion on a situation like this.

@mmKay Okay. I will take your example as a first statement. - It is absolutely okay to be selfish. I do not owe anything to anyone. It is not my job to save others from suffering. - It is okay to not have all the answers yet, to be unsure about what my purpose is or of what it could be. - Where I am now and the suffering I face will not last forever. I will eventually find cures or solutions not to suffer forever. I will find what makes me happy and what will bring peace to my life. (And I will find these solutions and cures pretty soons… like in the coming months). - I will understand why it is that I feel like my brain is not super efficient in regulating hormones. I will get to know if I just make that up as an "excuse" or if there is an actual dysfunction. (It might come from my diet). - I can regain (or find a way to regain) strength, willpower and clarity of thinking. - It is okay to not be as good as Leo or others here in applying self-help material into my life. We all have different life conditions, brain chemistries and personalities, and we're not all as able to do the same things in the same amount of time. - It is okay to have priorities that are not self-serving and that completely reshape one's life. (I guess it is, it's quite in conflict with the first statement). - It is okay to take time for oneself in order to heal. And it is okay to ask for help. There is no necessity to feel guilt and shame for that. - It is okay to change in front of people, especially family. It is okay if my mood and character changes. It is okay if how I behave changes. And it is okay to change back into how I was if I fail. It is okay if they point out changes to me, even though I absolutely hate being seen. Maybe I could find other statements, but so far that's what I have. @k-ahmadzadeh We actually have caregivers who come every Monday so I have a free day. And I've asked a week ago to have a second free day during the week. I think this could help a lot for appointments and such. But I also want to move because there are many changes that are harder to do while staying home, like changing eating habits, adopting a more positive outlook on life, taking psychedelics, and so on. Also I live in the countryside… I'd like to move near a city to have more facilities. So that's true that more free time could help in the meantime, but there are also a lot of downsides to that (having a stranger coming in the house, worrying about how they will "care" for our 4 greyhounds while they're there, and so on). We did a great job creating a complicated life :). That's true though that it is much less expensive than moving out… Maybe I should find a solution in that for a few more months or until my grandmother passes…

@mmKay I think that the biggest beliefs I have are that: - I shouldn't feel bad. - I shouldn't have a victim-like mindset even in situations I can't fully control, because this mindset is completely wrong and despicable. - I should't feel like a victim of my mind. - My mind should work better (for exemple, send me hormones that make me feel good when I do something good, like finishing an important task, doing some work, doing some physical exercice). - I should want to have a life purpose. - I should be positive and add value to the word in some way and so I shouldn't have too much negative energy within me. - I should do more and be better. - I should more actively try to change myself, to more actively try to control my thinking and how I feel, and be able to change how I feel however how my life is. - I should be able to change much more quickly. I am waisting time while life is short. - People should not be cruel, mean or stupid, but I should be capable of accepting humanity as it is, so I am the one at fault here too. So my core beliefs are that everything that is wrong is me/within me, and external reality is just as it is/as it should be. Though, I wish I was born on another planet with more advanced beings, and so I wish I was myself one of those more advanced beings on that other planet. But that is a side note, because I know this can't be another way now and it is a bit easier to accept than the rest (or rather, I try to believe that I accept that more easily). As I know the only thing I can do about that here is to reach alien intelligences and stuffs like that, and I get excited about this too (but just slightly because my mind doesn't give me strong "excitment hormones" either). It doesn't make me feel worse to think about those things because I constantly am thinking about them… so they're more conscious than unconscious. But I really struggle about the accepting part. I sometimes really try to accept a situation, something that happened, or just that I am not perfect. But I can spend hours trying, and it still wouldn't work, as if I had extremely strong patterns in my mind that I can't break. It really feels solid, and the part of me that wants to change that or accept things is not strong enough or clever enough. I can't see what I do wrong nor why I can't succeed at that, at accepting and changing. Now, if everything I just wrote above was really untrue, meaning… I should feel bad, my mind should not send me feel good hormones, I shouldn't do more and I shouldn't be better, I shouldn't be able to change quickly, etc. I feel a slight relief, but it is so slight I barely notice it.

Hahaha good point. That's a pretty bad habit I have… I think it is the fact that I am not doing well mentally and that I can't find a way to improve how I feel. As a result, I'm not doing as much as I'd like to at home, and it is very challenging also to find the strength to leave half of the week. I feel ashamed and guilty for struggling so much and for not finding solutions - I feel like I'm at the opposite end of what Actualized.org is teaching. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist, a neuropsychologist, and energetic healers, but all of this combined is not powerful enough - or I haven't been doing them for long enough or not properly enough. I feel some despair and worries for the future because nothing seems to help. Psychedelics I also tried despite the lack of time I have for myself, but as the conditions are bad, they tend to bring me bad trips. My psychiatrist talked to me about trying s-ketamine, but it wouldn't be possible to try the treatment as I would have to leave the house for two days, and I don't want to let my mother know why, so it's too complicated while I'm here. And I don't want to take other kind of medecines. So I feel guilty for failing all the time and for not doing things right, for not being positive and energetic enough for my family and for myself.