Clarence

@Breakingthewall I think it's a complex topic. Someone's psychology is very complex. You can't just change it, or understand someone else, from a few words. There are so many factors which influence who we are and how we react to things. There isn't just one way. There are also many degrees of abuse. I remember in kindergarten a school teacher forcing me to color a drawing the way she wanted, not letting me turn my sheet the way I wanted to. This was abuse. She was 50 years old and I wasn't even 5, and she imposed on me a way of doing things which felt wrong to me. Most kids would not have cared, but I cared. I could spot abuse and injustice very early on. So I'm actually far more aware of it than most people. Though, life is not that simple. Expressing disagreement against teachers or bosses every time I disagree with something would create a lot of trouble, which I don't necessarily want to deal with. I actually regret that I didn't react against the teacher that day. But there is another thing to learn: not to care as much for everything. Because strangers just don't care about you. That teacher didn't care about me, I was just a child among all the others in her classroom. And who really cares about children. If I fought every time someone abused me the way that teacher did, I would spend my life doing that. In the end, the teacher wouldn't have understood how wrong she was because, according to society's standards, she was superior to me and had authority, she 'knew how to do things while I didn't'. But I knew that that wasn't right. I was first and foremost a human being, just like her, before being a kid in her class. How do you fight people when they can't even see that? At some point, the smart move is to understand and accept that you are different and leave, not try to change people to suit you, as it takes too much energy. At least, that's what I think, since I don't care about being an activist and trying to change society or other people's mind. This is why I believe that what matters most, is to respect and trust oneself. Proper reactions to any social situation stem from this. It may look like fighting or like leaving. The form doesn't matter. What matters is doing the right thing, and that can only be done when you know and respect yourself. This is essential to living true to oneself and to others, and so, in my opinion, it is the main thing to focus on. So I really just can't blindly focus on fighting or defending myself. I can only focus on feeling secure in myself. This is what will change my inner world, and so also the outside world. This is not a sign of weakness. It is not either about having or not having an ego. It is about developping a healthy ego.

@Breakingthewall I completely agree. What I find the hardest is cutting bonds with people I love, but who don’t love or care for me as much as I do for them. It's empowering to end those kinds of relationship, but it is incredibly hard.

@Breakingthewall Right. Though, as a child, I had no defense. It was me against all the others. I had extreme difficulty to express and defend myself. I had zero or one friend. According to everyone, I was the weird one, the one to exclude. When people are making fun of you every day and you are very young, it is near impossible to fight back; and they would laugh even more if you did so. I absolutely had no desire to fight back anyway and I didn't have the keys to even know how. The trick is that it takes years just to build some trust in yourself after that, because they've convinced you that you are the problem and that you shouldn't even exist. So of course, you are right. I shouldn't let anyone step on me, but this shift doesn't happen overnight. It is a long process to construct oneself after a difficult childhood and very difficult teenage years. At least, it is for me. And even more so that I am not a fighter. It's just not in my genes. I'd rather let people think they're right and smart and not care about what they think, rather than defend myself against them. If they already think I'm stupid for not being like them and that they shouldn't respect me, they're all wrong to begin with. That's the kind of defense I'm aiming towards… not caring, and becoming myself as much as I can. When I have the desire for someone to suffer because they hurt me, what I desire is for them to understand what they did, especially if they are close to me. I don't want them to suffer for the sake of it. I want them to understand. If they've never felt intense pain in their life, they just can't understand. It is an abstract form of desire. I don't want to take revenge in the usual sense. I want understanding from all sides (me understanding why they acted the way they did, and them understanding how their words or actions hurt me). I feel a strong need to be understood by the people around me, which is a bias stemming from my childhood. Obviously, not everybody can understand, and nobody can completely understand someone else anyway, but everyone still can try. Basically, having a genuine desire to try is all that matters. Understanding is more important to me than practicing any kind of self-defense. All I want is to become secure in myself and in my way of thinking, which is quite different from the majority of people. So this is what matters most to me… it is not taking revenge. One of my main value is not to hurt others anyway, even those who've hurt me. Though I still think that it is sometimes necessary to be blunt to help a message come through, but that is something I've just started practicing. As you are saying, it is a matter of balance, and setting boundaries to what one can accept is absolutely necessary.

I don't know what you mean here. Yes, obviously. To the one who is eaten, the devil can take many forms. It can be the cutest creature in the world.

Someone tell them

But it would make no difference to admit that laws are arbitrary, even in their world. They can still fight for a form of justice, even after acknowledging that no law is inherently objective.

Lol just earlier today I was looking at the spiders above my bed and thinking they were beautiful and grounding creatures with their eight legs. But creating quite a lot of mess with all their webs right above my bed I wouldn't kill a spider still, but I'm evil in many other ways. I'm sometimes astounded by the sneaky ways in which I'm committing devilry without even realizing it. Thanks for sharing. I'm mind-blown by the story. Still, my mind really can't make sense of… people. How can we be so biased, evil and wrong? I feel that having one's life depend on lies is not a good excuse to keep believing those lies. It makes me angry not to be on a more evolved planet. How to accept people's stupidity when it is all around and there's nothing one can do to change it…

Quote #068 is so obvious. I can't believe there are people who think that human rights aren't a social construct.

I don't remember this particular video, but it might be easier for people to understand that everyone acts out of love. From my point of view, some people might actually love acting out of bad intentions, and even recognize it as so… hurting for the sake of hurting. As we see people torturing animals or humans just because they love doing that. They might have no other intention but doing harm for the sake of it or for the sake of expressing their bad intentions. Though, they still act out of love, even though it is extremely selfish and cruel, because it is something they love to do. This is a very simplistic explanation. The understanding of Love is much much deeper than that, but I think it should be easier for people to acknowledge that everyone acts out of love, even if that love manifests through murder, war and torture. Then, if you define that acting out of love is the same as acting out of good intentions, I think the message could come through. But I'm pretty sure certain individuals can act from bad intentions and admit it, so as said by Ulax, it really depends how you actually define ' good intentions'. To me, it makes more sense to talk about love rather than intentions alone, but they get closer to each other the more I think about it. People can say they act out of hate, but they're still acting out of love even if they don't know it.

That'd be great! I love quality products. Though I'm from Belgium, I can't use the affiliate links. Those scissors can't be delivered where I live, but the shipping and taxes would have been too expensive anyway. However, I could use the links if you can create them from Amazon.de, Amazon.fr, Amazon.com.be or Amazon.nl (sometimes, there are major price differences between them - Amazon.de is usually the less expensive and it can deliver to quite a few countries in Europe). I could buy this particular product on Amazon.com.be for 15 € (16,48 $), but it's available on other Amazons for a tiny bit more money, which is ok. Once I had shoes on one of the Amazon for 77 $ while they were on the others (and in stores) for 154 $. I wouldn't pay such a big price difference if I can have them for half the price

I guess, one way to be both inside and outside a system is by doing immersion types of work. My friend is a philosopher and anthropologist and she's done immersions in nursing homes and psychiatric hospitals to get closely in touch with the work and day to day activities of nurses, workers, and even residents, to get a big picture understanding and write a report on how the system could be improved. It's just one example, but she was outside the system as a researcher, but also immerged in it in her work. Pretty much, as close as one can be without becoming a nurse or a resident herself. Though I guess, to go even further, one way to get both perspectives could have been to do the study from outside first, maybe even without fully immerging herself, and then, go all in by going through all the studies and working as an nurse in an institution for a few years. Then, she would have had an even more comprehensive view. But I think that working closely to nurses for months or years, listening to them, and closely observing their work, already puts her in a position where she's both in and out of the system.

I love texts! They have a special vibe and give me more time to think and ponder. I reflect more easily when I read you. To me, your texts are also complementary to your own videos, because, together, they create more connections in my brain. The information is processed differently; I am more passive while listening and more active while reading. My mind also tends to lose focus and wander more easily while listening, so I value your texts a lot, both from the forum and the blog. As for the videos you share, I skip a lot of them, including all the ones on politics; I only watch the videos when I'm very interested, like those on The Varginha Incident or on American Religion — as it related to self-deception and I quickly got into it — or when they're very short and I'm curious, like the ones from the posts titled Child Prodigies & Geniuses, What Is A Woman, Adriano Celentano, Jack Black, Particle Life, The Hairy Frog Fish, How The Queen Eats Bananas… to name a few. You share really cool ones on various topics, which I would never have searched for, so I find that very valuable. But for example, even if I love airplanes, I didn't watch the full SR-71 Blackbird video, even though I found the 3D animation fascinating, because I don't have the patience to watch it all. So I get a lot of meaning from the texts, which I always read fully, taking my time, and rereading them once or more when I absolutely love them.

Of course… I don't get that wrong. Your understanding and knowledge about the world are extremely detailed and vast from my point of view (one example: thinking about all that must be learned to have a proper understanding of the conflicts in the Middle East; this is just wild to me). I hadn't missed the message, but I didn't know myself well enough. It took a lot of time to get to know my own mind better and learn what was right and what wasn't right for me. That self-knowledge didn't come easily, which is why I was struggling. It felt like I was supposed to be doing something similar, but I couldn't put my finger on why it couldn't work the way I wanted. Now I understand why. It took some time, but what matters is that I understand now.

Impressive. You fully embody your personality type… That must be one of the secrets to why you're able to achieve so much in this field. I'm an INFJ-T. I'm not driven by goals or routine either, but my feelings, emotions and sensitivity are major components of my life. I'm very analytical still, but I'm not inspired to acquire detailed knowledge about the entire world. I'd love to have that knowledge, for sure, but sitting and studying for long hours is not something I'm willing to do. It doesn't fulfill me; it actually kills me inside. Eight years ago, when I first started listening to you, I was feeling terrible that I couldn't do all that you were doing (I really wished I could because I was so inspired). I still can't do everything, but now I understand it's not because I am an idiot, but because I have a different personality type, a different mind, and different drives. It took me a very long time to realize that. What is great though, is that I have the kind of mind it takes to understand God – very open, contemplative, inquisitive and questionning, and very receptive to psychedelics. At least, I'm on my way to meet you there!

@Leo Gura I've been wondering for a while now if you watch every video and documentary you share entirely? Or maybe you skip parts like with books, or watch at a faster speed? It's wild to me how much you can watch, read, and learn, and how you can focus and be interested in so many different areas of life. I'm amazed by that. I have much fewer fields of interest… and as a result, I couldn't learn all you've learned and reach such a deep understanding of the relative world. A part of me would love to catch up with you on everything. It would be so interesting to share deep understanding and insights about all aspects of life, rather than just be on the listening side and follow your work with amazement. But my strengths are not in doing that, so it is something I'm coming to terms with. Anyway, I love reading the blog. I love your writing, especially. Posts about God-Realizations and Consciousness are my favorites. But there are so many others that are impactful. Lately, the post about Flat Earthers and self-deception was incredibly good. I haven't watched the video, but I loved reading the text. This is one of the topics I recognize the particular importance of. But that is just one example because there are so many blog posts which I loved.

I don't think he watches them (or really care about what he sends). Last time I posted, he sent videos which had nothing to do with what I asked. Quite a waste of time, really. At least now I know that the videos he sends are not well targeted and pretty random.

What I'm looking forward to the most in a relationship, is the romantic connection. But how do you know when you have given it enough time for the feelings to arise? The last person I dated, I fondly liked. I loved his mind, his personality, he liked me a lot too, but I didn't fall in love and didn't feel sexually attracted. Though, I would have loved the relationship to work out. We went on dates for about two months. I'm a bit scared to date again now, because it feels uncomfortable to be in situations like this. I genuinely don't know when to put an end to dating. I don't know how to know if it is a matter of time before falling in love, or if the feelings will never come for the person. It's very tricky when you'd like it to happen, when you like the person, but it doesn't happen. And it's even worse if the person is in love already or really into you. Have you ever dealt with situations like this? I wonder how quickly you know if you will or won't fall in love, and how long it generally takes for you for such feelings to really manifest.

I most certainly am. lol I can suggest one thing, though I doubt you will do it... which is fine. You can call the ability to admire as a divine particle. For example, if I feel a little out of it, I do this exercise. 1. Make a list of all the people you have a close association with. 2. Right 25 things you can admire about the person. 3. Find 3 people and tell them 3 of these things. 4. Repeat step three for at least a week. I for one will do the same process to the excess of 100 people or more a day, if I am in a particular funk. For me, it's effortless to make a conscious decision to be attracted to them. The ability to practice pure admiration, on people and things around me is one of the keys. Believe it or not, you choose. LOVE I don't see the value in learning how to develop romantic feelings and sexual attraction for just anyone or everyone on this planet. I find it very weird and inappropriate. Developing unconditionnal love though for all humans has value, but in my opinion, not the attraction you describe. Beside, in my dating experiences, it wouldn't have done any good to "force" any romantic feelings. I think that the feelings didn't come because they weren't meant to. I knew deep down that the relationship with them was not right because we didn't match on too many levels. I think I just didn't dare to express how I was feeling towards them and the relationship. I thought that, if I had magically fallen in love, I wouldn't have had to deal with breaking up, seperating or causing hurt. But that wasn't mature. Forcing myself to fall in love wouldn't have been mature. I really don't think it is healthy to just provoke these things if they are not there. If the feelings don't manifest, there are more than likely reasons that they don't. Thank you for your response. I think it can happen gradually as well, but it can for sure happen suddenly.

No no, it was a deep, unconditional form of love I had for them, but they were already in a relationship (a first no) and only interested in women (a second no). There was just no chance of having a relationship with them. But to this day, I still feel a love I can't explain. I don't feel it that much now for the one I haven't seen for about six years, but I still feel a form of deep respect. And for the other one, my love is still pretty strong, and pure, in the sense that no matter what he does, how he is or how he acts, it doesn't change the love I have for him. I've recently stopped seeing him, but I still feel the love if I think about him. I've been loving him this way for 4.5 years. Neither of them were lust for me*. For the first one especially, I didn't even feel sexual attraction. It took me a very long time to see it as a form of romantic love. Maybe still, it wasn't romantic. He was the most beautiful man I had ever met and I just loved him for that. This happened to me more than once or twice. It's easier to love by accident, in a sense. It's much harder when dating, because there are so much plans around it and an intention right from the start. * Or… it wasn't lust in a sexual way, but lust in an emotional way, as I craved a deep emotional bond and connection with them. I wanted to know them on a very deep level, and I wished them to know me and love me the same way. Though, it was impossible, so I had to accept that. My desire now is to feel that deep, unconditional form of love with someone who will feel it too.

@soos_mite_ah Thank you for your feedback. It's really good to hear that. I thought that the usual way was to fall in love right after meeting… so I thought that it wasn't normal or usual to be in a relationship with someone you are not in love with. That's still something hard and weird for me to conceptualize, but if I'm not the only one not loving my partner straight away, I already feel better. I thought it was a light switch… because it felt like this the times I fell in love - once it pretty much happened at first sight, and the second time, less than a month after meeting. This love lasted both time for years, though they were not people I could have a relationship with. But when actually dating, I still don't know how it would happen for me, as falling in love in those cases never happened… So my approach was to think that if it wasn't happening quickly, that it would never happen. But now I can start changing my perspective and be more open to the possibility of the love coming in later.

Maybe, but at the same time, it's a constant reminder that I will hurt him if the love doesn't become reciprocal at some point… so as an anxious person, it was causing a disservice to both of us as more anxiety doesn't lead to more love. I think he lacked the capacity of seeing through my eyes and feeling how that was making me feel. But that was a first experience, so I didn't know where to stand and how to really express myself… That's completely true, though it is so so hard to put into practice… Thanks, I'm interested to try. I don't want to take any medication because I don't want potential interactions with psychedelics, but I've read that rhodiola has a short half-life, so it seems fine to try it :).

@mmKay Thank you for sharing your journey.

@manuel bon Thank you. I remember my first boyfriend who would tell me every day "I love you", and I would just smile and stay silent. He said it was ok if I didn't have the same feelings, but that was still awful to hear those words. Maybe I was not good enough at setting boundaries. It would have been better if I had asked him to stop saying that altogether, especially so early into the relationship. Indeed, but that's so hard to do if they will feel hurt and let down. But I guess I have to learn that it is an unescapable part of human relationships, something I have to get used to... Of course, it also works differently from one relationship to the next. @Buck Edwards Thanks for the good advice. It's very well expressed. Learning to listen, trust and act upon one's instinct, intuition and feelings is maybe what I'm missing the most. Though it's a very difficult skill to acquire. I've gotten into the habit of softening my speech or adapting my actions in order of not hurting others; I nearly always put other's wellbeing before mine because I've been hurt a lot my whole life and I know how bad it feels. Now I am really afraid of being the reason others suffer (when breaking up with someone who likes me, for exemple). I can see that it is not healthy, but it is extremely hard to get used to that. It plays in my mind for so long after I hurt someone. @Princess Arabia Have you tried it personally? I'd be interested to hear your experience with it if you have.