Clarence

I'm 28 and people think I look 18. Don't know if it's something to be happy about. I feel much older at heart From reading you, I feel like you still underestimate the genetic aspects of aging. For example, I don't think any amount of good diet or holistic healing could prevent a receading hairline to happen for a man if it is in their genes. The fact that it is possible for you to look younger than your age doesn't mean it is possible for everyone (granting a similar self-care routine).

I'm finally back to give some updates on my experience with psychedelics. I haven't done so lately because I didn't have enough time to write trip reports and I needed to focus on myself, not on sharing my experience. I also realized that sharing a report for every trip was too difficult. One reason is that a trip can look a lot like another one, especially when described in words. Another reason is that the insights I have in some trips I don't feel comfortable sharing, and it would distill the trips too much to omit them. So I will only share my experience when it feels right to do so. I still want to keep a psychedelic journal format and write down each trip I have, even if it's just making a note of the date and the substance. So here is the list of the last trips I had: Trip 18: 4-AcO-DMT 20 mg, 03.25.24 (insufflated) Trip 19: 4-AcO-DMT 30 mg, 04.04.24 (oral) Trip 20: 5-MeO-MiPT 15 mg, 06.19.24 Trip 21: 5-MeO-MALT 20 mg, 06.24.24 Trip 22: 5-MeO-MiPT 15 mg, 07.09.24 Notes written on the 30th of September 2024: To share my overall thoughts on the new psychedelics, I had extremely beautiful trips on 5-MeO-MiPT. I absolutely love this substance. It feels so right for me. I love the duration—which is longer than 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT, the visuals, the introspective state it brings me in (I had so many deep realizations on it) and the pure Love Consciousness it creates. It's mind-blowing. It made me realize that I AM LOVE. The words playing in my mind on this substance were not I Am God, but I Am Love. It was so deep and beautiful. It has helped me a lot to start loving myself too. I even had a taste of an Alien Form Of Love. My experiences on 4-AcO-DMT were not as good. The first trip was too light—because I didn't take the substance properly, I think - and the second one started out well but ended up badly as I read a message during the come down which I didn't understand like I would have fully sober. Reading a message was a mistake that won't happen again. But overall, I felt disappointed because I had wished 4-AcO-DMT would have been more similar to magic truffles than it actually was in my first trips. But I definitely have to try it again, in better circumstances, to make myself a proper opinion of it. I will also try the plugging method to experience its purest form. Notes of today: Here is the list of the psychedelics I've taken this month: Trip 23: 4-AcO-DMT 20 mg, 10.03.24 Trip 24: 4-AcO-DMT 15 mg, 10.16.24 Trip 25: 4-AcO-DMT 15 mg, 10.21.24 Trip 26: 5-MeO-MALT 17 mg, 10.28.24 Trip 27: 5-MeO-MALT 15 mg, 10.30.24 Trip 28: 5-MeO-MALT 20 mg, 10.31.24 4-AcO-DMT First thing worth noting: I absolutely love 4-AcO-DMT. It's not exactly the same as magic truffles, but it's similar enough to really enjoy it. Psilocybin has been one of my favorite psychedelics, and I'm really happy to now have this substance, which is far easier to ingest. I really love everything about it so far, but I still haven't tripped enough to have a full grasp of it. I consider writing a detailed trip report at some point. But some little notes I have about it so far is that: It is sedating It makes my nose itchy Tears fall down my eyes for no real reason I get pain in the heart area on higher dosages I get full body orgasms The visuals are very intense, especially on higher dosages There is a serious taste of weirdness in these trips, but that is what I love most, and that comes with very deep realizations. It also makes my mind very still at times, which is a greatly welcomed break from my daily non-stop thinking life. My last trip was weaker than expected, which I think comes from the fact that I didn't wait long enough between the trips. I plan to trip on 15 mg again just to test again that dosage. Then I will raise the dose. I learned that having trips at lower dosages contributes to understanding and going deeper within one substance. I tend to desire to take more in order to get more, but it is not necessarily how it works. Going lower helps build foundations. It is easier for me to accept that now that I have many more opportunities to trip than I had when I started this thread. I was living with my mother and my grandmother, which I was taking care of everyday. I'm extremely sad that she is gone, but I can now do the things I couldn't do before. I am more sad, but more free. 5-MeO-MALT I did the same, starting from lower, after a long break with it. It was especially good as I had terrible nausea on it for the first time ever (more about that here). I went even lower on the next trip, and then went back higher. It really helped me get more clarity on the substance, though it's not as mind-blowing as a full dose. I understand this substance a bit differently and better now and I'm ready to go deeper. First of all, it's completely different from 4-AcO-DMT. I had forgotten how different it was. I don't like it as much, but it is very direct and pure to grasp what consciousness is. For that kind of work, it is great, but I need many more trips on it. What's funny is that this psychedelic makes my all body vibrate, especially my arms and hands. I can literally see them tremble. When I stood up today to close the curtains, my arms were difficult to move, as if they were somewhat paralysed. It was weird, but not a big of a deal I think. When I am lying down, the vibrations are what's most impressive. I was listening to the music @Jodistrict shared here and it was so perfect. I felt extremely good in my body, as if the music was massaging my brain and giving me mind orgasms. One realization I had on today's trip was that one of the deepest forms of corruption one can fall into was not being true to oneself. To me, it can manifests as to not fully being who I am (it can be very subtle) in order to please others or to get approval. I've fallen into this trap quite a lot. I sacrifice my true self in order to protect my lower self, my ego. Doing that doesn't help me grow. It is something I am becoming more and more conscious of. I need to let my higher self come to the forefront. I am not chasing money, sex or fame in my daily life, but I am chasing love, recognition, and approval. It all comes from ego and corrupts me all as much. Trip Preparation And After Care This last month, I've been developing my own routine to start a trip. It is very simple. I basically wake up at 7:30 AM, put on some comfortable clothes, go to the bathroom, prepare the syringe, and add more pillow on my bed. Then I find a comfortable position, plug the substance (often around 8 AM), and sit still until the trip has completely started. On 4-AcO-DMT, I like to sit in front on my window during the come up. I look at the trees. It's a very beautiful view. I now start my trips with the curtains open and the light on, but I still like when it is completely dark at times. When the trip is over, I eat and drink a lot. I get extremely thirsty all day. Then I take care of my dogs and take some rest (30-60 minutes) before starting the day. I've been working a lot in the house lately. I'm far more productive now. I still don't know how to improve my after care routine. I feel like something is missing. Well-Being And Purpose I'm feeling much better in myself and in my life now that I have opportunities to trip weekly. Psychedelics, exploring and working towards understanding consciousness, is really a need for me. It is a purpose, and following through on this purpose makes me incredibly happy. It feels so good to finally be able to move forward. I feel much more grounded, present, and centered. The road towards full understanding is long, but my well-being has already considerably improved in just a month of tripping.

Thank you for sharing. It's amazing. Here is what I sometimes listen to while tripping. It's a hour long 432 Hz music. It is very calming, but maybe a bit too sad at times. What you shared is great.

I'm not American and I don't study politics, but I just came across this text on Facebook from someone I met when I lived in the US. I just wanted to share it because I am shocked. I can't believe how people can be so ignorant and blind. I feel like no amount of talking could take them out of their wrong view. Here is the text: « Someone recently asked me why I like Trump. My answer was that I don't really like a lot of things about Trump. But this election is not about choosing the most likeable person. We are voting between two vastly different ideologies. We are voting for the country we want to leave our children and grandchildren. Trump represents that future and has proven that he can deliver. He is a patriot to the core and even served his country for 4 years without pay. That moment when someone says, "I can't believe you're voting for Trump". I simply reply, “I'm NOT voting for Trump.” I'm voting for the First Amendment and freedom of speech. I'm voting for the right to speak my opinion and not be censored. I’m voting for secure borders and LEGAL immigration. I am voting for election integrity to include mandatory voter ID. (Why would anyone vote against this?) I'm voting for the Second Amendment and my right to defend my life and my family. I'm voting for the police to be respected once again. I am voting for law & order and an end to allowing protesters to trespass and burn our cities, destroying innocent small business. (Tim Walz) I am voting for personal responsibility and the end of the revolving door where criminals are being put back on the street. (Kamala Harris) I'm voting for the next Supreme Court Justice(s) to protect the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. I’m voting for a return of our troops from foreign countries and the end to America’s involvement in foreign conflicts. I'm voting for the Electoral College and for the Republic in which we live. I’m voting for the continued appointment of Federal Judges who respect the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. I’m voting for keeping our jobs to remain in America and not be outsourced all over the world - to China, Mexico and other foreign countries. I am voting for doing away with all of the freebies given to all of the illegals and not looking after the needs of the American citizens and homeless veterans. I'm voting for the military & the veterans who fought for this country I'm voting to keep men out of women's sports. I’m voting for peace progress in the Middle East. I’m voting to fight against human/child trafficking. I'm voting for Freedom of Religion. I am voting for the return of teaching math, history, and science instead of the indoctrination of our children. I'm not just voting for one person. I'm voting for the future of my Country. I'm voting for my children and my grandchildren to ensure their freedoms America is the greatest country in the world, hense why everyone wants to immigrate here. So why do you want to change it? Why do politicians want to enact policies that have failed in other countries throughout history? I’m voting for Trump. I'm voting for America. Copied and pasted keep it going »

Yes, in Spiral Dynamics, you're supposed to transcend and include each stage, which basically means embodying the positive and healthy parts of each. Starting from Tier 2, you can easily see the whole spiral and understand why people act the way they do from the stage(s) they are at. Personally, I am not baffled, I'm astonished. I understand that people are at different stages of cognitive development, which both limits their understanding of reality and shapes their aspirations and actions. I also know that it's not something one can evolve past easily. But I'm astonished at people in general—even if I can understand them from a historical and psychological standpoint—because people's judgment and thinking mistakes are sometimes enormous. So it seems surreal to me that it's even possible. Honestly, I haven't found a solution yet to stop being so surprised by the world. I'm not a "self-assured and self-righteous" person. I actually question everything a lot, including myself and my thinking. So I know I can always be wrong about something and that I have to be ready to admit it if someone (or life) points it out to me. But I know that it is right and best to question the world deeply and be ready to admit one's mistakes if they appear, for the general advancement of the world. Yet, it is hard for me to comprehend that other people's psyches don't work the same way as mine. I don't understand why the world is not inherently interested in metaphysical topics or in working to embody the highest values, such as integrity, honesty, understanding, respect, metaphysical love, etc. I do understand that it just is this way, but this is the mystery that confuses my mind the most. It feels as if I jumped straight to Tier 2. I spent some time studying Orange (taking action, working towards goals) and Green (saving animals and the planet) when I was young, but that was because I hadn't stumbled upon higher kinds of material. It still required a lot of effort to let go of the Green ideology I had bought into - the main point for me being that the world should go vegan and work towards reducing animal suffering, as I was extremely sensitive to it. I turned vegan at age 13 and started defending this worldview, despite my introverted nature. But still, as time went on, the realization that something didn't feel completely right about it grew stronger and stronger. The vegan community and the kind of speech they held was off for me. I didn't understand why they were not more mature, as vegans. Now I can see that the problem in this community was to be found in the manifestation of Green and its excesses. Most vegans don't think in a holistic manner. They haven't reached stage Yellow and beyond yet, while it was already in me. But I didn't know that at the time, so I was confused, and there was virtually no Tier 2 people around me I could have looked up to as examples. I don't know if it gets clearer for you with those explanations. I'm not just astounded by the way others function, I'm also astounded by the way I function. Basically, what I don't understand is why things are the way they are. You could say it's due to genetics or that it is just human nature or Reality, but why are our genetics this way, and why is human nature this way? Most of the world is not interested in understanding Reality (God), or in learning to embody the kind of values I listed above. And that is frustrating for me, because the world would likely be a better place if most people on the planet had moved past Tier 1. So I'm feeling both astonishment and a bit of frustration, because I deeply wished people on the planet were more advanced as a whole. Still, I mostly accept things as they are… but a part of me wished things were a bit different, which may be what I expressed in an unskillful manner in the opening of this thread. It comes from the limitations of my own current understanding or acceptance of Reality at large. So I think that I have to learn to deeply center myself and calm my mind down to ease those feelings and transform them into something more mature. Maybe there is some self-assuredness in me, which you might be right about, but it comes from hours of contemplation and introspection. It took me years to figure out what was right and what wasn't for me (and I'm still not done). I don't blindly follow beliefs or ideas like we see many people do. I question very deeply, and only then do I secure in myself the ideas that I feel are right. But I never stop questioning, and there are many domains in which I don't have a deep enough knowledge about to reach full understanding. This is a work forever in progress. Do those explanations help?

Thanks, it's very well expressed.

Correct, but that makes the text—and this kind of thinking—even more sneaky and deceptive. It makes it sound as if it were rational and good to vote for Trump, even for people who don't like him. To me, it is shocking that some people can rationalize their vote in this way, putting aside all of his flaws. They fail to reflect on the reasons why they dislike him in the first place, pretending it's not that important, when in fact it is extremely important. It is not possible to separate Trump from Trump, yet they speak as if they could. It's such a deep issue, and it’s scary to read that from people you know.

Does that include all the psychedelics in powder form? Is it okay if the substances are exposed to more air than they would in a bag?

Why guy friends specifically, and not just friends? I mean, female friends are great too.

I had a trip yesterday. My insight about the crocodile came to my mind as I was thinking about the film Joker: La Folie À deux. I was thinking about how much I hated this film. I didn't like all the singing, that's for sure, but I also hated the story—no real surprise but at the very end, and it was a disappointing one, and nothing insightful or meaningful throughout the entire film. I felt a very strong aversion to it. In comparison, I absolutely loved the first one. I saw it six times in the theater, so much so that I loved it. So in my last trip, I realized how biased I was towards Arthur Fleck and how much life had no mercy. In an ideal world, someone like him would not have been mistreated his whole life. He would not have been ridiculed for his difference. He would have received some help and care to reduce the symptoms of his illness and the suffering caused by it. He would not have become Joker. I feel like I am Arthur Fleck because I suffered so much and I've been made fun of repeatedly because of my differences. I understand his suffering. I understand his madness. It's completely unfair that we treat people with so much cruelty on earth. It felt extremely good to watch the first movie because he finally had revenge and stopped caring and suffering. I completely agreed that the people he killed just got what they deserved. I still do, as I remain biased. So in that sense, I am no better than him or others. You purposefully cause someone to suffer… you also deserve to suffer. Killing is quite radical, but the idea remains: since there is no justice in the world the way you would want to, you end up not caring and start doing harm yourself. (Personally, I still avoid doing harm because of my values and the consequences, but the anger and desire for revenge still arise when I am hurt, ridiculed or taken advantage of). So I liked that the first movie may have prompted a part of society to reflect on what it is like to suffer deeply and how much harm constant ridicule causes someone. The message of the second movie was the total opposite. There was no message of hope of society becoming better or of society opening their eyes to what they themselved had caused… Joker. As in the end, he's the result of society's madness. Rather than that, the message was the crocodile mind. No mercy. No empathy. Just ego and caring for oneself. We absolutely don't care that you suffer. We absolutely don't care that we are causing you suffering. But we do care that you caused us suffering. We do care that you killed one of us. You just deserve to be hurt, you deserve it even more now. Humans are the worst of crocodiles. Arthur Fleck was the obvious Joker, but the rest of society is the same. 'Sane' people so to speak, who suffered because of Joker's crimes, reacted no better than him. They actually are the first and last Joker. The first and last crocodile. More so than Arthur Fleck, who was mentally ill and living a particularly difficult and miserable life. Life doesn't care about your feelings. The world doesn't care about others. The madness lies in switching sides: first, you enjoy the Joker causing harm to others because they deserve it, and then you enjoy others causing harm to the Joker because he ends up deserving it. You just switch sides if you are mad and evil enough and devoid of other biases. Either you see that life is merciless and people self-serving, or you live in your mind in a fake ideal world which will never exist in our lifetime. It is hard to know where to position oneself. We are all evil and selfish creatures. There is no life in this material world without doing harm. Though, I still believe in reducing suffering as much as we can and in doing our best to become less ego driven, but most of the world is not there yet to even try. So, this was my insight on madness, evil, ego, and how the crocodile appeared in my mind. The crocodile doesn't give a fuck and only serves oneself. It was shockingly brilliant.

@Breakingthewall I think it's a complex topic. Someone's psychology is very complex. You can't just change it, or understand someone else, from a few words. There are so many factors which influence who we are and how we react to things. There isn't just one way. There are also many degrees of abuse. I remember in kindergarten a school teacher forcing me to color a drawing the way she wanted, not letting me turn my sheet the way I wanted to. This was abuse. She was 50 years old and I wasn't even 5, and she imposed on me a way of doing things which felt wrong to me. Most kids would not have cared, but I cared. I could spot abuse and injustice very early on. So I'm actually far more aware of it than most people. Though, life is not that simple. Expressing disagreement against teachers or bosses every time I disagree with something would create a lot of trouble, which I don't necessarily want to deal with. I actually regret that I didn't react against the teacher that day. But there is another thing to learn: not to care as much for everything. Because strangers just don't care about you. That teacher didn't care about me, I was just a child among all the others in her classroom. And who really cares about children. If I fought every time someone abused me the way that teacher did, I would spend my life doing that. In the end, the teacher wouldn't have understood how wrong she was because, according to society's standards, she was superior to me and had authority, she 'knew how to do things while I didn't'. But I knew that that wasn't right. I was first and foremost a human being, just like her, before being a kid in her class. How do you fight people when they can't even see that? At some point, the smart move is to understand and accept that you are different and leave, not try to change people to suit you, as it takes too much energy. At least, that's what I think, since I don't care about being an activist and trying to change society or other people's mind. This is why I believe that what matters most, is to respect and trust oneself. Proper reactions to any social situation stem from this. It may look like fighting or like leaving. The form doesn't matter. What matters is doing the right thing, and that can only be done when you know and respect yourself. This is essential to living true to oneself and to others, and so, in my opinion, it is the main thing to focus on. So I really just can't blindly focus on fighting or defending myself. I can only focus on feeling secure in myself. This is what will change my inner world, and so also the outside world. This is not a sign of weakness. It is not either about having or not having an ego. It is about developping a healthy ego.

@Breakingthewall I completely agree. What I find the hardest is cutting bonds with people I love, but who don’t love or care for me as much as I do for them. It's empowering to end those kinds of relationship, but it is incredibly hard.

@Breakingthewall Right. Though, as a child, I had no defense. It was me against all the others. I had extreme difficulty to express and defend myself. I had zero or one friend. According to everyone, I was the weird one, the one to exclude. When people are making fun of you every day and you are very young, it is near impossible to fight back; and they would laugh even more if you did so. I absolutely had no desire to fight back anyway and I didn't have the keys to even know how. The trick is that it takes years just to build some trust in yourself after that, because they've convinced you that you are the problem and that you shouldn't even exist. So of course, you are right. I shouldn't let anyone step on me, but this shift doesn't happen overnight. It is a long process to construct oneself after a difficult childhood and very difficult teenage years. At least, it is for me. And even more so that I am not a fighter. It's just not in my genes. I'd rather let people think they're right and smart and not care about what they think, rather than defend myself against them. If they already think I'm stupid for not being like them and that they shouldn't respect me, they're all wrong to begin with. That's the kind of defense I'm aiming towards… not caring, and becoming myself as much as I can. When I have the desire for someone to suffer because they hurt me, what I desire is for them to understand what they did, especially if they are close to me. I don't want them to suffer for the sake of it. I want them to understand. If they've never felt intense pain in their life, they just can't understand. It is an abstract form of desire. I don't want to take revenge in the usual sense. I want understanding from all sides (me understanding why they acted the way they did, and them understanding how their words or actions hurt me). I feel a strong need to be understood by the people around me, which is a bias stemming from my childhood. Obviously, not everybody can understand, and nobody can completely understand someone else anyway, but everyone still can try. Basically, having a genuine desire to try is all that matters. Understanding is more important to me than practicing any kind of self-defense. All I want is to become secure in myself and in my way of thinking, which is quite different from the majority of people. So this is what matters most to me… it is not taking revenge. One of my main value is not to hurt others anyway, even those who've hurt me. Though I still think that it is sometimes necessary to be blunt to help a message come through, but that is something I've just started practicing. As you are saying, it is a matter of balance, and setting boundaries to what one can accept is absolutely necessary.

I don't know what you mean here. Yes, obviously. To the one who is eaten, the devil can take many forms. It can be the cutest creature in the world.

Someone tell them

But it would make no difference to admit that laws are arbitrary, even in their world. They can still fight for a form of justice, even after acknowledging that no law is inherently objective.

Lol just earlier today I was looking at the spiders above my bed and thinking they were beautiful and grounding creatures with their eight legs. But creating quite a lot of mess with all their webs right above my bed I wouldn't kill a spider still, but I'm evil in many other ways. I'm sometimes astounded by the sneaky ways in which I'm committing devilry without even realizing it. Thanks for sharing. I'm mind-blown by the story. Still, my mind really can't make sense of… people. How can we be so biased, evil and wrong? I feel that having one's life depend on lies is not a good excuse to keep believing those lies. It makes me angry not to be on a more evolved planet. How to accept people's stupidity when it is all around and there's nothing one can do to change it…

Quote #068 is so obvious. I can't believe there are people who think that human rights aren't a social construct.

I don't remember this particular video, but it might be easier for people to understand that everyone acts out of love. From my point of view, some people might actually love acting out of bad intentions, and even recognize it as so… hurting for the sake of hurting. As we see people torturing animals or humans just because they love doing that. They might have no other intention but doing harm for the sake of it or for the sake of expressing their bad intentions. Though, they still act out of love, even though it is extremely selfish and cruel, because it is something they love to do. This is a very simplistic explanation. The understanding of Love is much much deeper than that, but I think it should be easier for people to acknowledge that everyone acts out of love, even if that love manifests through murder, war and torture. Then, if you define that acting out of love is the same as acting out of good intentions, I think the message could come through. But I'm pretty sure certain individuals can act from bad intentions and admit it, so as said by Ulax, it really depends how you actually define ' good intentions'. To me, it makes more sense to talk about love rather than intentions alone, but they get closer to each other the more I think about it. People can say they act out of hate, but they're still acting out of love even if they don't know it.

That'd be great! I love quality products. Though I'm from Belgium, I can't use the affiliate links. Those scissors can't be delivered where I live, but the shipping and taxes would have been too expensive anyway. However, I could use the links if you can create them from Amazon.de, Amazon.fr, Amazon.com.be or Amazon.nl (sometimes, there are major price differences between them - Amazon.de is usually the less expensive and it can deliver to quite a few countries in Europe). I could buy this particular product on Amazon.com.be for 15 € (16,48 $), but it's available on other Amazons for a tiny bit more money, which is ok. Once I had shoes on one of the Amazon for 77 $ while they were on the others (and in stores) for 154 $. I wouldn't pay such a big price difference if I can have them for half the price

I guess, one way to be both inside and outside a system is by doing immersion types of work. My friend is a philosopher and anthropologist and she's done immersions in nursing homes and psychiatric hospitals to get closely in touch with the work and day to day activities of nurses, workers, and even residents, to get a big picture understanding and write a report on how the system could be improved. It's just one example, but she was outside the system as a researcher, but also immerged in it in her work. Pretty much, as close as one can be without becoming a nurse or a resident herself. Though I guess, to go even further, one way to get both perspectives could have been to do the study from outside first, maybe even without fully immerging herself, and then, go all in by going through all the studies and working as an nurse in an institution for a few years. Then, she would have had an even more comprehensive view. But I think that working closely to nurses for months or years, listening to them, and closely observing their work, already puts her in a position where she's both in and out of the system.

I love texts! They have a special vibe and give me more time to think and ponder. I reflect more easily when I read you. To me, your texts are also complementary to your own videos, because, together, they create more connections in my brain. The information is processed differently; I am more passive while listening and more active while reading. My mind also tends to lose focus and wander more easily while listening, so I value your texts a lot, both from the forum and the blog. As for the videos you share, I skip a lot of them, including all the ones on politics; I only watch the videos when I'm very interested, like those on The Varginha Incident or on American Religion — as it related to self-deception and I quickly got into it — or when they're very short and I'm curious, like the ones from the posts titled Child Prodigies & Geniuses, What Is A Woman, Adriano Celentano, Jack Black, Particle Life, The Hairy Frog Fish, How The Queen Eats Bananas… to name a few. You share really cool ones on various topics, which I would never have searched for, so I find that very valuable. But for example, even if I love airplanes, I didn't watch the full SR-71 Blackbird video, even though I found the 3D animation fascinating, because I don't have the patience to watch it all. So I get a lot of meaning from the texts, which I always read fully, taking my time, and rereading them once or more when I absolutely love them.

Of course… I don't get that wrong. Your understanding and knowledge about the world are extremely detailed and vast from my point of view (one example: thinking about all that must be learned to have a proper understanding of the conflicts in the Middle East; this is just wild to me). I hadn't missed the message, but I didn't know myself well enough. It took a lot of time to get to know my own mind better and learn what was right and what wasn't right for me. That self-knowledge didn't come easily, which is why I was struggling. It felt like I was supposed to be doing something similar, but I couldn't put my finger on why it couldn't work the way I wanted. Now I understand why. It took some time, but what matters is that I understand now.