Clarence

Thanks, @Nemra. I appreciate you saying that. Thank you also for your honesty. Yes, indeed. That's true, respect is crucial. We know so little about each other that we should remember to act as respectfully as humanly possible, even when we don't understand something. That requires a lot of awareness and growth, but we can all improve ourselves.

@Adrian colby Thank you for sharing. I've read other posts from you, too. Your contribution is very valuable. I'm also working toward fully integrating the masculine and the feminine, and especially understanding why I was born female but felt the pressing need to be male. I think there are deep reasons beneath both, but it is a long process to uncover them as they play out in dimensions of myself I have no easy access to. It requires sincere dedication to get to that kind of information, as well as meeting with the right people. But working to gain that understanding is highly beneficial to me, as I have a deep need for answers.

@ExploringReality @integration journey @Natasha Tori Maru @Applegarden8 Thank you!

Your entire life is an illusion, but it's still very real.

Yes, it doesn't really matter when it's just the costume of a video game character. But when you're entire life is at stake, it gets much more serious.

The transition to me felt like a slow realignment process, of moving toward my most authentic self. I had to drop the mask I had been forced to build by the end of my childhood to fit others' expectations of me, so I could become who I truly was again. My gender identity didn't change; I finally aligned my appearance with how I felt inside, as fully as I could. The word transgender is confusing, as it sounds like people change their gender, but that's not the case. The deepest desire of transgender people is to align their external appearance with their inner being, which is very different from changing gender. It is exactly the same for me as it is for you: I can't see myself living as a woman. The distress you would feel if you had to start dressing as one is the distress I felt when I had to. I literally desired to tear my skin apart to escape this body that didn't feel like mine. Aligning one's body with one's inner identity is like finally wearing the skin and the clothes that belonged to you all along.

@Ulax @Beans @Daniel Balan @shree @Emerald Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your kind words.

Thank you for expressing that!

@Yimpa Lol

@Leo Gura How do you handle the frustration when creative thoughts or profound new insights come to mind, but you need to continue meditating and have to let them go? This is a very challenging aspect of meditation.

@Leo Gura Powerful one.

@Leo Gura I agree with MsNobody. I wrote about this a little while back too (here above). I also understand that you might not want to reveal topics beforehand. But it's very difficult to take time for contemplation when the video is already available Plus, we're not masters of contemplation — it's very difficult. It might help to learn (or simply try it out once) in a more interactive way. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

I'm happy to hear that. Whenever the time feels right.

I hope you will at some point, perhaps in the course. I deeply wish I could know everything you went through, though I understand you couldn't share everything with us.

Yes, I do remember, but it's crazy still that it even happened. That episode was so profound that I deeply wish to experience it for myself. Wow. Did you make a post or an episode about it? I don't remember you talking about those 60 days. Which psychedelic were you using? Was it radically different from the 30-day retreat?

I wish it were less inconvenient. What's interesting, though, is that you ended up tripping 24/7 during your 30-day retreat (with only one dose a day, if I understood correctly). Have you done something like this more than once?

Have you experimented with redosing using the plugging method? I imagine it would work fine, but be very inconvenient.

Great! I'm really looking forward to it.

@Leo Gura Do you plan on making new videos to explain the feminine and the masculine? And on how to build and maintain healthy, mature romantic relationships? It's a very complex topic, and I really appreciate your understanding in this area.

Something to do with Hashimoto's or another chronic health problem?

That last sentence

1P-LSD 250 mg To begin with, I just realized this morning that I took 250 mcg instead of 200 mcg (another example of a mistake one can make inadvertently). I took one 150 mcg blotter and cut 1/3 of another, but I swallowed the wrong part, so I ended up adding 100 mcg instead of 50 mcg, which I didn’t realize until today. I don’t think it made a huge difference, but it's worth noting. Here's the report: I have a recipe for disaster. All you need is: an anxious person, a closed environment, complete darkness, pain in the chest, foreign noises, an inability to escape, 200 mcg of LSD, and a few more anxious thoughts. I almost had a panic attack — or rather, I did have one. I was in the dark, in my room, at 6 in the morning, at the peak of a psychedelic trip, when I realized how distorted the sounds of my mother getting ready for work were. I suddenly panicked. I was completely stuck, in the night, unable to move or change rooms, as any noise would attract her attention, and she doesn't know I was tripping. But all I wanted was daylight and to get out of my room. None of which I could have. I picked up my earphones and started playing music to block out the house's noises, which had become so foreign to me. But even the music I couldn’t listen to, as my whole body and mind screamed at me, ''get out of there, get out of the room, and turn on the light". But I couldn't. I grabbed the essential oil from my bedside table, forcing my body to stay still. I wished it were lavender, but all I had was peppermint. However, I didn’t care. I needed something to calm myself down, even if just a little, at the peak of this attack, as even the smell of my room had become so foreign and uncomfortable. I then picked up my phone again, still in the dark with the dim light I had, and started playing Leo's AL-LAD Trip Report. It was hard to get into the video, but I literally had no other choice. Leo's energy was so positive, and the introduction about building state right on point, that it helped tremendously. The panic I felt began to reduce. But then, other anxious thoughts started playing in my mind. For some background, I’m an extremely sensitive and anxious person; I’ve always been this way, getting caught up in the details rather than in the big picture of things. This started to take over in the second half of my trip. I wrote a letter to a French journalist last week. He has been researching and publishing books on death and, more broadly, on consciousness. I decided to contact him to tell him about my use of psychedelics and the similar research I’ve been doing with them. I also wanted to introduce him to Actualized.org's content. It was hard for me to handle because I had put a lot of thought into my letter, and it felt like I had messed everything up. I couldn't let go of the uncertainty, and it worsened during the trip. I had intended to work on my self-esteem and sense of stability, to learn to handle situations like this better, but the opposite happened and my concern only grew. It took me a long time to let go of all of this. Though, the worst was yet to come. Eleven hours into the trip, I received a text message saying that my sister was in the emergency room and that I needed to contact the hospital to find out whether she was out of danger. This caused even more stress, as I wasn't fully back to normal and would soon have to tell my mother what had happened to her, which was (and still is) very serious and life-threatening. I was lucky enough to have started my trip at 4 in the morning, or it would have been even harder to manage the situation. But tripping while my mother doesn't know is starting to get me into trouble. The simple fact that she could come home earlier any day, if she gets sick, or for any other reason, is problematic. It makes me anxious before, during, and after the trip when she comes home and I don't feel as usual. ~ This experience taught me to stop taking such long trips in the current settings, as this whole situation is too stressful for me. And to reduce the frequency of my trips for the same reason. I am willing to take such risks because the cost of not tripping is also very high for me. I need psychedelics to understand Reality and myself. I need to figure out both Reality and myself to heal. And I need to heal to start working and move out. But at this time, it turns out that the risks are starting to outweigh the benefits. One solution could be to openly talk to my mother about my use of psychedelics, but that's also difficult because she would worry, and whenever she worries, I can't be at peace. There's a lot more I could write about my last trips, but I don't have the time to do so right now, and this update is already very long. Nevertheless, here's a list of the most recent trips I've taken so you can have an overview: Trip 35: DPT 55 mg, 02.18.25 Trip 36: DPT 70 mg, 02.20.25 Trip 37: DPT 85 mg, 02.25.25 Trip 38: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 02.27.25 Trip 39: 5-MeO-DMT 25 mg, 03.03.25 Trip 40: 5-MeO-DMT 20 mg, 03.04.25 Trip 41: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 03.06.25 Trip 42: LSD 125 mcg, 03.12.25 Trip 43: LSD 250 mcg, 03.26.25

I figured I would start a thread to write down my trip reports and my journey with psychedelics in one place. It seems better to me than to start a new topic for each. The downside of that is that new reports won't be clearly announced as a new post could either be a report or a comment, but I think that the people interested in reading them will still easily find them. I could also create a table of content later on to make it easier to get to them. I was hesitant about the best section to post this in, but as my intention is not to journal but to gather my reports under one topic to make things simpler, the psychedelic section seems more appropriate. Goals - My ultimate goal is to understand and explore Consciousness at the highest levels possible. That is my passion. I'd say, my only passion. Nothing is as important for me than that. - My secondary goal will be to understand and learn how to cope with (but hopefully reduce) my suffering. When I suffer the most, I don't even care about exploring consciousness or do anything anymore. And that's problematic. I need to have some basic wellbeing to even think about pursuing something. Maybe psychedelics can help me for that. Psychedelics I had 12 trips so far: - 6 trips on magic truffles (16g Atlantis, 22g Atlantis, 15g High Hawaiians, 22g Double Vision, 25g Double Vision and 24g Amazonia). From what I've found on the internet, 25g of fresh magic truffles is about 5g of dried mushrooms. I don't know how reliable this is, but as I had very profound experiences on them, I would agree to classify them as high to very high doses. I had my first taste of God-Realization on the fourth trip. - 2 trips on 1P-LSD (112 and 150 mg, Backstory) - 2 trips on 5-MeO-DMT (12 mg and 17 mg) - 2 trips on 5-MeO-MALT (12 and 18 mg) And I plan to do much more. I'm particularly looking forward to do higher doses of 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT and later introduce DPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, Weed, and Salvia. My plan with this thread is to report how I am using psychedelics ; to report the substances I use, the dosages, the frequency, the sequence, and to write down my trips and the insights and realizations I have. Basically, I wish to share my results, how my understanding of God, Consciousness, Infinity, Love, deepens and evolves. I don't have a defined plan or method at this point. I will use my intuition to determine the dosages and the psychedelic to use as I go for each trip. The frequency will mainly depend on the available days I have to trip. On a second level, I might report some of my progression in regard to my suffering and sensitivities. I might report whether the psychedelic trips are helping me for that or not. This though won't be the primary focus.

Thanks @maxpechura for your questions. I hope my answers will help in some way As a side note, Maxpechura reached out to me privately and asked whether I could share more about my journey. I honestly thought no one was interested in it, so I gave up the idea of sharing as much as I originally intended to. Writing only for myself in French is much easier than sharing on the forum in English for everyone to read, especially if it feels like no one is really reading. He reminded me that some people might be interested even if they don't post comments. I myself do that a lot, actually, so he was right to make this point. Overall, it's good to know that someone is interested, and that potentially more people are, even if I'm not directly aware of it. So here are my answers to his questions, along with a report of my last trip in the next section. It's better to read them in the following order. It's hard to put my experience into words, but I'll try. One thing is that I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities and low self-esteem since I was a child, constructing my sense of self and identity based on how I think people perceive me rather than who I truly am. I've also been constantly questioning myself, asking Who am I? and What am I?, never getting satisfying answers. How can I know who or what I am, and thus feel at peace with myself, if I don't have a direct and clear knowledge of that? This has made it very confusing for me to navigate the world and interact with others. If I don't fully understand what being human means and what other humans are, how can I develop a secure sense of identity as a human? I've also always been very different from my peers. Children and teenagers (even adults) made fun of me at school and in other settings. This profoundly wounded my self-esteem and sense of self, as I dissociated from the reality I was in. I was physically present, but my mind and spirit were disconnected from the situation. I lived in constant fear and worry about what would happen next, which induced a lot of anxiety. I'm also extremely sensitive and empathetic. I used to feel other people's emotions so deeply that it created confusion about which ones were mine. At some point, my suffering had become so great that I suddenly stopped feeling others' suffering. This was experienced as a major personality shift for me. I went to the other extreme, not caring or not wanting to care about others, to the point of feeling like a different person. So, this is what it felt like for me to live with a ''weak ego'': a lot of insecurities, blurred boundaries between me and others/the outside world, and a disconnection from my being/spirit/mind, and even my feelings and body. It's a sense of self that isn't grounded, present, secure, and stable, and that doesn't understand the point of living if all there is is suffering after suffering after suffering, along with a lot of confusion about it all. I wasn't afraid of experiencing ego death because I needed answers more than anything else, and nothing 'tangible' or concrete in me, I felt, could die, as the question what am I? was still left unanswered. So, my need for a deep understanding of Reality — of what I am and what I am doing here — was so important that I was ready to fully let go of whatever that me was, that me which felt like nothing more than a collection of experiences, perceptions, feelings, memories, and a limited, mortal and localized point of view looking at reality through two eyes. I still haven't reached a complete understanding, and it will take much longer to get there, but my perspective on life and myself has completely changed since my awakenings. My friends keep telling me how much I've changed. And this mostly from getting answers to questions that have been tormenting me since childhood. It lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. The hardship of not knowing was the worst of it all. Even if I don't have all the answers at this time, the sense of peace I reached freed my mind to work on my ego, on who I am as a human being, because this matters just as much while we're living here. One part of the work I'm doing now is about releasing childhood trauma. I have developed a huge shadow regarding my whole childhood. I can't even say, or think, of the word 'child.' I can't look at children without feeling uneasy, nor even look at children's toys. I can't think of myself as having existed as a child. I hate it all so much. And I don't know why. I don't know why it is that bad for me. So, this is serious work. To me, the point of doing psychedelics is not to destroy my ego; it is to understand Reality, to deeply realize God, to learn who I am as a human being, and to learn how to Love. This implies a lot of inner work and a secure sense of self and identity. It requires discovering and becoming who I really am inside, as I won't ever be able to truly Love and understand if I don't know how to accept and love myself. I don't want to go into that now, but I did try 4-AcO-DMT in the past (I mentioned it before in this thread). It's been quite a while since I used this psychedelic. I might try Salvia at some point, but it's not a priority for me. I have a lot of work to do with 5-MeO-DMT, 5-MeO-MALT, and DPT. From my particular experience, being on a journey to understand the nature of Reality is what relieves my suffering the most. However, therapy comes next, as I need to work on childhood trauma, various anxieties and fears, as well as on my self-esteem. It's all interconnected, and external help makes progress faster. But I no longer go to conventional therapists, as they lack the spiritual foundation I need them to have to truly understand my psyche. I'm very lucky to have found a therapist who is both highly advanced and extremely grounded. She teaches me how to be human, helps me heal and release trauma, and guides me in better integrating my interest for Truth into my life, so I can find balance and healing between the spiritual, material, and psychological aspects of life. I've improved. I try to make a conscious effort to reframe my negative thoughts, but as a perfectionist and an extremely anxious person, when something goes wrong from my point of view, it's hard not to think harshly about it. So, I improve, but slowly, and those trips help a lot. However, I’d need many more of them to peel away the layers of negativity, hatred, and fear that are within me I've been reducing dosages more often than increasing them, but I'm going back to slowly increasing. What I've found is that my understanding is becoming clearer, not necessarily because of the dosages, but because of the experiences that add up. It's still important to find the right dose, though, as too much is not ideal, but too little isn't either. So, it is true that the dosages matter to gain clarity, but it's relative to where you're at in your understanding of Reality and God, as well as in your experience with a specific substance. In some cases, more of a substance will give you more clarity, but in other cases, you might need less for better results. ~ As I already mentioned, I'm still far from deeply getting the full picture. I have had deep Realizations of God, Infinity, and Love, but I haven't had enough experiences of them. I need more trips, into the nature of all the facets of Reality, to make my understanding deeper. I'm aware that there are degrees of understanding, and I am not at the highest. My current understanding is very deep compared to most people, but it isn't as deep compared to Leo, who is far more advanced and experienced than me. The frustration of not being further in my journey is always present in my mind, but my priority these days is shifting more towards healing and the material aspects of life (work and Life Purpose). I'm currently trying to work on all three at the same time — healing, God-Realization, and Life Purpose — as they are closely intertwined and I need them all to live. However, it's getting difficult to manage them simultaneously. I intended to post a trip report two days ago to give an example of how things can go wrong. I’m a very cautious person (earlier today, my mother even mentioned that I was very stoic as a child). I have a tendency to avoid causing trouble, both for myself and others, I am highly reflexive and deliberate, but sometimes I still make mistakes. It’s difficult for me to accept that, but that's the reality of things. I’m hesitant about posting the report because I take this work very seriously, and I don't want to harm my reputation or that of psychedelics. However, I learn the most from my own mistakes. I've made a few others lately that I haven't written about either. But I'll share this one with the intention of demonstrating this: be more cautious with psychedelics than you ever think you need to be. Though, it’s hard to follow this rule without making mistakes yourself. The trick is that you might not realize you're making a mistake until it reveals itself as such, which is what happened to me a few times. Here is the report I wrote yesterday in the next post.

Will you be doing this retreat alone or at a retreat center? Which do you like more?