Clarence

I honestly don't know where else you think it could come from. Do you really think transgender people want to be transgender? You can't imagine how hard it is. Who would go through that if it weren't for very deep reasons? No mature person would ever make the decision to transition if it weren't an absolute need.

Because your mind is closed. You don't want to hear anything, you just want to persuade others that you are right and everyone else is wrong. If you were wiser, and if there was a slight possibility for you to admit that you might be wrong, we could have a conversation. But honestly debating you feels like a waste of time to me. You want to fight, and I am not a fighter. Is it masculine or femine: I don't care. As I said, I am neither male nor female. But that, you understand even less. It takes too much energy for me to debate, and in the end, I really don't care what you think of what people should or shouldn't do. You don't speak in the name of God, as you're implying. You don't even understand God. You know what? I followed my heart.

Thanks, @Nemra. I appreciate you saying that. Thank you also for your honesty. Yes, indeed. That's true, respect is crucial. We know so little about each other that we should remember to act as respectfully as humanly possible, even when we don't understand something. That requires a lot of awareness and growth, but we can all improve ourselves.

@Adrian colby Thank you for sharing. I've read other posts from you, too. Your contribution is very valuable. I'm also working toward fully integrating the masculine and the feminine, and especially understanding why I was born female but felt the pressing need to be male. I think there are deep reasons beneath both, but it is a long process to uncover them as they play out in dimensions of myself I have no easy access to. It requires sincere dedication to get to that kind of information, as well as meeting with the right people. But working to gain that understanding is highly beneficial to me, as I have a deep need for answers.

@ExploringReality @integration journey @Natasha Tori Maru @Applegarden8 Thank you!

Your entire life is an illusion, but it's still very real.

Yes, it doesn't really matter when it's just the costume of a video game character. But when you're entire life is at stake, it gets much more serious.

The transition to me felt like a slow realignment process, of moving toward my most authentic self. I had to drop the mask I had been forced to build by the end of my childhood to fit others' expectations of me, so I could become who I truly was again. My gender identity didn't change; I finally aligned my appearance with how I felt inside, as fully as I could. The word transgender is confusing, as it sounds like people change their gender, but that's not the case. The deepest desire of transgender people is to align their external appearance with their inner being, which is very different from changing gender. It is exactly the same for me as it is for you: I can't see myself living as a woman. The distress you would feel if you had to start dressing as one is the distress I felt when I had to. I literally desired to tear my skin apart to escape this body that didn't feel like mine. Aligning one's body with one's inner identity is like finally wearing the skin and the clothes that belonged to you all along.

@Ulax @Beans @Daniel Balan @shree @Emerald Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your kind words.

Thank you for expressing that!

@Yimpa Lol

@Leo Gura How do you handle the frustration when creative thoughts or profound new insights come to mind, but you need to continue meditating and have to let them go? This is a very challenging aspect of meditation.

@Leo Gura Powerful one.

@Leo Gura I agree with MsNobody. I wrote about this a little while back too (here above). I also understand that you might not want to reveal topics beforehand. But it's very difficult to take time for contemplation when the video is already available Plus, we're not masters of contemplation — it's very difficult. It might help to learn (or simply try it out once) in a more interactive way. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

I'm happy to hear that. Whenever the time feels right.

I hope you will at some point, perhaps in the course. I deeply wish I could know everything you went through, though I understand you couldn't share everything with us.

Yes, I do remember, but it's crazy still that it even happened. That episode was so profound that I deeply wish to experience it for myself. Wow. Did you make a post or an episode about it? I don't remember you talking about those 60 days. Which psychedelic were you using? Was it radically different from the 30-day retreat?

I wish it were less inconvenient. What's interesting, though, is that you ended up tripping 24/7 during your 30-day retreat (with only one dose a day, if I understood correctly). Have you done something like this more than once?

Have you experimented with redosing using the plugging method? I imagine it would work fine, but be very inconvenient.

Great! I'm really looking forward to it.

@Leo Gura Do you plan on making new videos to explain the feminine and the masculine? And on how to build and maintain healthy, mature romantic relationships? It's a very complex topic, and I really appreciate your understanding in this area.

Something to do with Hashimoto's or another chronic health problem?

That last sentence

1P-LSD 250 mg To begin with, I just realized this morning that I took 250 mcg instead of 200 mcg (another example of a mistake one can make inadvertently). I took one 150 mcg blotter and cut 1/3 of another, but I swallowed the wrong part, so I ended up adding 100 mcg instead of 50 mcg, which I didn’t realize until today. I don’t think it made a huge difference, but it's worth noting. Here's the report: I have a recipe for disaster. All you need is: an anxious person, a closed environment, complete darkness, pain in the chest, foreign noises, an inability to escape, 200 mcg of LSD, and a few more anxious thoughts. I almost had a panic attack — or rather, I did have one. I was in the dark, in my room, at 6 in the morning, at the peak of a psychedelic trip, when I realized how distorted the sounds of my mother getting ready for work were. I suddenly panicked. I was completely stuck, in the night, unable to move or change rooms, as any noise would attract her attention, and she doesn't know I was tripping. But all I wanted was daylight and to get out of my room. None of which I could have. I picked up my earphones and started playing music to block out the house's noises, which had become so foreign to me. But even the music I couldn’t listen to, as my whole body and mind screamed at me, ''get out of there, get out of the room, and turn on the light". But I couldn't. I grabbed the essential oil from my bedside table, forcing my body to stay still. I wished it were lavender, but all I had was peppermint. However, I didn’t care. I needed something to calm myself down, even if just a little, at the peak of this attack, as even the smell of my room had become so foreign and uncomfortable. I then picked up my phone again, still in the dark with the dim light I had, and started playing Leo's AL-LAD Trip Report. It was hard to get into the video, but I literally had no other choice. Leo's energy was so positive, and the introduction about building state right on point, that it helped tremendously. The panic I felt began to reduce. But then, other anxious thoughts started playing in my mind. For some background, I’m an extremely sensitive and anxious person; I’ve always been this way, getting caught up in the details rather than in the big picture of things. This started to take over in the second half of my trip. I wrote a letter to a French journalist last week. He has been researching and publishing books on death and, more broadly, on consciousness. I decided to contact him to tell him about my use of psychedelics and the similar research I’ve been doing with them. I also wanted to introduce him to Actualized.org's content. It was hard for me to handle because I had put a lot of thought into my letter, and it felt like I had messed everything up. I couldn't let go of the uncertainty, and it worsened during the trip. I had intended to work on my self-esteem and sense of stability, to learn to handle situations like this better, but the opposite happened and my concern only grew. It took me a long time to let go of all of this. Though, the worst was yet to come. Eleven hours into the trip, I received a text message saying that my sister was in the emergency room and that I needed to contact the hospital to find out whether she was out of danger. This caused even more stress, as I wasn't fully back to normal and would soon have to tell my mother what had happened to her, which was (and still is) very serious and life-threatening. I was lucky enough to have started my trip at 4 in the morning, or it would have been even harder to manage the situation. But tripping while my mother doesn't know is starting to get me into trouble. The simple fact that she could come home earlier any day, if she gets sick, or for any other reason, is problematic. It makes me anxious before, during, and after the trip when she comes home and I don't feel as usual. ~ This experience taught me to stop taking such long trips in the current settings, as this whole situation is too stressful for me. And to reduce the frequency of my trips for the same reason. I am willing to take such risks because the cost of not tripping is also very high for me. I need psychedelics to understand Reality and myself. I need to figure out both Reality and myself to heal. And I need to heal to start working and move out. But at this time, it turns out that the risks are starting to outweigh the benefits. One solution could be to openly talk to my mother about my use of psychedelics, but that's also difficult because she would worry, and whenever she worries, I can't be at peace. There's a lot more I could write about my last trips, but I don't have the time to do so right now, and this update is already very long. Nevertheless, here's a list of the most recent trips I've taken so you can have an overview: Trip 35: DPT 55 mg, 02.18.25 Trip 36: DPT 70 mg, 02.20.25 Trip 37: DPT 85 mg, 02.25.25 Trip 38: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 02.27.25 Trip 39: 5-MeO-DMT 25 mg, 03.03.25 Trip 40: 5-MeO-DMT 20 mg, 03.04.25 Trip 41: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 03.06.25 Trip 42: LSD 125 mcg, 03.12.25 Trip 43: LSD 250 mcg, 03.26.25

I figured I would start a thread to write down my trip reports and my journey with psychedelics in one place. It seems better to me than to start a new topic for each. The downside of that is that new reports won't be clearly announced as a new post could either be a report or a comment, but I think that the people interested in reading them will still easily find them. I could also create a table of content later on to make it easier to get to them. I was hesitant about the best section to post this in, but as my intention is not to journal but to gather my reports under one topic to make things simpler, the psychedelic section seems more appropriate. Goals - My ultimate goal is to understand and explore Consciousness at the highest levels possible. That is my passion. I'd say, my only passion. Nothing is as important for me than that. - My secondary goal will be to understand and learn how to cope with (but hopefully reduce) my suffering. When I suffer the most, I don't even care about exploring consciousness or do anything anymore. And that's problematic. I need to have some basic wellbeing to even think about pursuing something. Maybe psychedelics can help me for that. Psychedelics I had 12 trips so far: - 6 trips on magic truffles (16g Atlantis, 22g Atlantis, 15g High Hawaiians, 22g Double Vision, 25g Double Vision and 24g Amazonia). From what I've found on the internet, 25g of fresh magic truffles is about 5g of dried mushrooms. I don't know how reliable this is, but as I had very profound experiences on them, I would agree to classify them as high to very high doses. I had my first taste of God-Realization on the fourth trip. - 2 trips on 1P-LSD (112 and 150 mg, Backstory) - 2 trips on 5-MeO-DMT (12 mg and 17 mg) - 2 trips on 5-MeO-MALT (12 and 18 mg) And I plan to do much more. I'm particularly looking forward to do higher doses of 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT and later introduce DPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, Weed, and Salvia. My plan with this thread is to report how I am using psychedelics ; to report the substances I use, the dosages, the frequency, the sequence, and to write down my trips and the insights and realizations I have. Basically, I wish to share my results, how my understanding of God, Consciousness, Infinity, Love, deepens and evolves. I don't have a defined plan or method at this point. I will use my intuition to determine the dosages and the psychedelic to use as I go for each trip. The frequency will mainly depend on the available days I have to trip. On a second level, I might report some of my progression in regard to my suffering and sensitivities. I might report whether the psychedelic trips are helping me for that or not. This though won't be the primary focus.