Clarence

Yes, I know psychedelics are not for everyone and that he nearly killed himself. Though, that is not the point of my message. I think you're the one who's not listening. I pretty much don't care about convincing you of anything. I just wonder if some people are interested in going much deeper. I personally don't see that being discussed a lot. What I see being discussed a lot is all the reasons why people won't or don't want to go deeper. I've grown out of that. It was a short passage. Right, though I can still wonder if someone else also wants to reach the deepest realizations and understandings one can have (in Leo's sense, not to argue with what is deep). The reason I was asking was mostly to check if I was right to feel one of the few if not the only one doing that. I must say it would have been even more exciting to hear the opposite from one of the person doubting or disregarding all of this the most. But if that never happens, that's okay. I don't care about fighting and arguing. Which explain why I'm not very active on the forum (which doesn't mean I don't read it). I agree with what you're saying, I've had awakenings and breakthroughs. They were so profound that they made me realize that they couldn't be achieved/haven't been achieved through simple practices like meditation. In my opinion, you can't know whether I am right or wrong because because you haven't properly used psychedelics to verify that. And at the same time, you can argue that I can't know either how your awakening is like because I haven't reached a similar kind of awakening … so I guess the discussion is endless. Though the chances are still higher that someone Absolutely awakened (let's say) get even deeper realizations through psychedelics, than it is for me to reach some Absolute/final enlightenment. But who cares in the end. No one is here, but Me, or You. Depends on the objective. If the objective is to reach a complete understanding of all of reality, it would be silly not to recommend them. Though it doesn't mean that they will act properly on everyone, especially on those who don't do the work, as Leo says, of deconstructing their mind. It certainly doesn't mean either that they can only bring positive things. Though I don't think anyone here believes that about them.

@Razard86 I am not so late. The same stuff are being discussed over and over again. And this message is basically for me, as I am wondering how many other people here really desire to reach the highest levels of understanding. I know that he is right in what he says because I am doing the work he's teaching. I speak from my direct experience with psychedelics. Leo's not merely the teachers, the psychedelics are. I've been reading from other teachers as well, but none of them come close to what he teaches. I've even lived in a buddhist monastery during my quest towards enlightenment when it was the deepest stuff I knew of. So I've looked into other places. I understand that others disagree because they had awakenings/enlightenment experiences/or are enlightened, and they qualify that experience as Absolute. What they've reached is so Absolute and final that psychedelics sound unnecessary and even delusory to use. Some say that they can't get you to the Truth, that only the practice without any substances can get you to it. On top of that, the states reached on psychedelics cannot be maintained and there always is something more profound to experience… and as that is the case, psychedelics can't Awaken anyone. On the main lines, that is how I understand the opposition. I don't negate that - that they can't make you low. I don't say that path will make anyone happy. Understanding reality is not the same thing as following a path to reach happiness. @ivankiss That is right, I don't follow him blindly either. The post is not about telling others to believe Leo or any other teacher, it is about questioning again if they have used psychedelics in a correct manner before demonizing them and telling that awakening can't be done through them. I do think that people can awaken (become enlightened) without them, but the degree of awakening and understanding is far from the one you can get with the use of psychedelics. That is just the point of my message, and the reason why I'm asking how many others want to reach the deepest realizations.

You're welcome. It's nice if it is interesting or useful for someone. And it certainly is for me as well. My best guess is that I am close to his realizations, but I also am very far. I likely could attain the deepest realizations he's had. But as he explained, some of the things he's done were so extreme that he nearly killed himself… For sure I haven't gone that far and I'm not sure whether I will or not. It will depend on the choices I'll make in the future to see how much closer I will get. I don't know yet how determined I am or will become. Though, I am extremely curious, but the decision to take really high doses won't happen after just a few trips.

5-MeO-MALT 24 mg I AM GOD I am fucking God. I couldn't help but repeat those words. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.… as I was breathing, the entire universe was breathing, and as I was exhaling, these words were exhaling out of my mouth. I AM GOD. I've become directly conscious of what GOD is, of what INFINITE means. And of what Infinite LOVE is. I am fucking God. I am Infinite. I am Love. The distinction between my body (matter) and Consciousness completely ceased to exist. 5-MeO-MALT is utterly radical at higher dosages. It is Pure Consciousness. I became directly Conscious in this Awakening of how CONSCIOUSNESS is all there is, of how it is Love, how it is Infinite, and how it is God. And how I fucking AM IT. All of it, the entire Reality. I became directly conscious of how this world and how the universe is all a dream and how it is all MIND. How it is all imaginary, and as a matter of fact, how there is no death and such things. It was really intense, to the point that I was wondering if I could take on more, take on any more substance, take on any more Consciousness. I was wondering if that wasn't already too much. This time, I had no sensation of waves during the trip like I did last time on MALT. It was a prolonged state of High Consciousness. It hit me strong and fast (like it did in my other trips). The overall trip was magnified. Realization With this trip came a very profound realization about myself: I UNDERSTAND what Leo is talking about. As of now, I might be the only other one who is AWAKE. Not to speak too quickly as my experience is still limited, I might be the one closest to AWAKE. I might be the only other one who understands this word ; what it means and refers to. I have read entire topics and discussion on the forum lately and I haven't read anyone who said something that made me think ''he gets it too''. I couldn't know for certain how I could see through the mistakes (and bullshit) of other members, while others could not. And how I could know that Leo was correct claiming to be the only one AWAKE on the planet while others could only believe him or refute him. I was genuinely wondering whether I was deluding myself. The answer is now clear to me that I am not and was not. That might be because I actually am less deluded than others because I actually question myself a lot more. I might have a stronger desire to understand, and I might be more open to explore radical levels of Consciousness than any other member. There is still room for improvement. Important: I do not claim that I get everything the same way Leo does, nor that I have become conscious of everything he has become conscious of. I'm certainly not at the same level than Leo. And as he says, I can't even know where he's at. So that is beside the point. The point is not to convince anyone either, it simply is to report my trip and the realizations I've just had. I will need many more trips to integrate this on a cellular level and to integrate that I too can trust myself and my Awakenings. In a sense, Leo's statement has been gaslighting me as a member of the forum and a human, even if it was and is still true to some extent. Though I think his statement is very valuable and necessary. So many members are failing to see the obvious. They've so strongly convinced themselves that they've figured it all out that they can't see past their own belief and experience (their ''enlightenment'') anymore. As of for me, it has helped a lot in a few different ways. It will still take many more trips to go deeper and reach even higher levels of Understanding, but I Know that my trips are leading me in the right direction. Side note: I'm a bit late posting this, my trip was on Monday.

There is one thing I wish I had internalised sooner, which is to not make my trips about you. I think it is a major trap I fell into. I am a bit ashamed of it now, but I guess it was a part of my learning process. The right move would have been to put aside the teachings, the reports, my intuitive understanding, and the mental images I have of you, to only connect to my desire of understanding, and to realize prior to tripping that my awakenings would be completely unique to me (although similar flavours could be experienced). I should have known to withdraw my desire to connect and interact with you. The second thing I have found a lot of value in was to actually share my awakenings. It was scary, but yours and other people's comments have shined a light on my mistake. So I was able put an end to it quickly rather than deepening my awakenings in an inadequate direction. So sharing trips and awakenings might be a valuable part of the work for people who are serious about getting pure understanding. Buying a good mindfold mask: I find complete darkness to be good and desired at certain times during my trips. It helps me dive deeper into Consciousness. I also find physical comfort to be crucial to completely let go. I like to start by sitting on my bed, my back and head resting against pillows and my legs under the blankets, and as the trip is coming up, lie down and curl myself up in my bed. This allows me to relax all of my muscles and not get distracted too much by my body. That's usually when I put the mindfold mask on, so I can completely let go of the outside world and go deep into the trip. When the effects noticeably decrease, I sit back up again and have something to eat - which is prepared beforehand. I do that because I'm usually very hungry by that time and it is distracting, and because eating grounds me and I need grounding when I get out of a trip. As I come back to my baseline, but am still in between, I reflect on what happened. I do my best to remember, to understand/integrate and to articulate the trip in my mind. Then I write a report. As I now plan to post a report of most (if not all) of my trips, this work of understanding and exploring consciousness has become far more serious for me than it was before. It is still early to know if this is a good approach, but right now it feels positive as it sharpens my attitude. Maybe other people could benefit from including a similar practice in their psychedelic journey.

@ZenSwift Thank you!

I Am A Character Of God's Dream Last week, I experimented for the first time with 5-MeO-DMT. Today I had my first trip on 5-MeO-MALT. I plugged the same amount I did last time for my first trip (12 mg according to my scale), to test the substance and my reaction to it. It was the HCL version. Overall, the experience was more gentle than my trip(s) on 5-MeO-DMT. I started feeling the effects 3 minutes after plugging and it took one to three more minutes for my consciousness to really expand. It lasted longer (1h30 + 30-60 minutes of after effects). And it was less hard on my body. I just had a weird tingling sensation in my upper teeth. It also came a bit in waves, but they were much softer than the ones I had in my trips with psilocybin. I went into the trip with the intention of getting insights on how to reduce my suffering on top of exploring consciousness (both are very linked for me). I so directed my trip into that and I had a good mix of both. For the quantity I took, it was a good trip, but it felt like I was a few steps away from having a really profound experience. Though, it was still a breakthrough and my report won't make it justice as I'm writing it a few hours later. Anyway, I became conscious that I was a character in a dream dreamed by God. So my personal self (from my body to mind), was part of a dream (a character within a dream), and the dream extended to all of this life (the planet, the universe, other humans, everything we know in this life/dimension) to create support and sense for this dreamed character to even exist (to be ''independent'' and have consciousness of it's own). All of this was new in the way I was becoming conscious of it. This awakening made me realize why it was so hard to change certain things about my personal self and why I couldn't, for example, become somebody else or experiment someone else's dream within this dream we are in. Because I am a figment of a dream, I have limitations. I am not the one deciding of everything, and so I can't easily change things on this plane, not even aspects of my own self. I was awakening but I was still in another dream… I didn't become the second dreamer from this story. I still knew all of this was God and I had ego death, but the dose wasn't high enough to awaken from that ''higher'' dream too. It was still interesting because I had insights, a lot of clarity and I could investigate: ask myself personal questions and get form of answers (which I didn't go into in this report). I had the desire to up the dose on the same day, but I didn't have enough time. So I left my room, had something to eat and walked my dogs. I hope to be able to do a higher dose in a few days. One of the personal insights I got was that I needed to trip more. I was very hesitant to do it today as I hadn't been feeling well, but it actually was the thing I needed most.

@OBEler That's really sweet, thank you. I will at least do my best to do the work and have these 300 breakthroughs Yes, you will get there. You seem smart. I think that when you'll feel ready, you'll make it happen. In the meantime, keep (or start) asking yourself why being human is so weird. It really is weird when you deeply think about it @Girzo Haha I get the vibe. It feels like an excess of energy or consciousness for the body. But I don't know how exactly it happens at a materialistic level either. However, I was not in an ecstatic dance, rather I was all curled up in my bed under the blankets, too conscious to even do anything else (:

No, it is not shocking for me. What is shocking for me is having a body. I've never felt human. Now I understand why I've never felt human… I've never been human. So it is a relief. Every God-Realization is a relief. Well, the first time was also… a relief. I could finally talk and think from direct experience. I had the intuition that Leo was correct, but that wasn't enough for me as an intuition was still a form of belief. So I felt a bit guilty about being confident about him being right prior to having the experience for myself. Plus, I just wanted to know what it was like. So having the experience for the first time was amazing. I still need to have many more trips and to explore at higher doses, but I'm not scared. That's the only thing I'm excited for. It's less painful to be God than to be me…

Second Trip I plugged 18 mg this time. I became conscious again that I am God. This was another deep awakening, but I still don't know how to change myself or reduce my suffering.

5-MeO-DMT Trip Report This was my first trip with 5-MeO. I plugged 12 mg, freebase. After 4 minutes, I felt the effects kicking in. I didn't expect it to come so fast (I thought I had about 10 minutes). So, I plugged the syringe (on my bed), waited 2 minutes to remove it. As soon as it was out, the effects were starting. I quickly lifted my pants and lied down in bed. I watched the time on my chrono (4 minutes) and closed my eyes. As I was breathing, I became the entire universe breathing. I was becoming so Awake that it was painful. I was conscious in and out of my body (my body mixing with the ''body'' of the universe). After this Awakening, I became conscious that I created Leo to Awaken more. So my realization was that I am God creating Leo. And I, Clarence (both God and ego), is using Leo (both his Godhead and his persona) to Awaken deeper and/or in new ways than him, as him sharing his Awakenings is having an effect on my own Awakenings and understandings. -- It was awesome. I had been waiting to experiment with 5-MeO for so long. This was just a first trip and a starting dose. Though, it was stronger than I expected, but I was more than ready to let go. Still, I thank Leo for teaching to be so cautious. Now I'm super excited to do more. For one more detail, my trip lasted 10 minutes. At the 14 minute mark, I was coming back to myself. So I'm a bit curious to know if other people had powerful trips, but this duration, on 5-MeO-DMT plugged. I thought it was supposed to last for about 40 minutes.

5-MeO-DMT Trip Report In this Awakening, I became conscious of how I created Leo and the Entire Universe to Awaken even more deeply. I also became conscious that Leo invented me so that he could Awaken even more deeply. So I wanted to say ''Hi Leo''. I am you, I am God. And I love having this human experience forgetting that I am God so that I can keep playing in this illusion of being human. I am also ready to start having fun exploring alien consciousness alongside with you. I became conscious that Leo's next breakthrough could be even more powerful than mine, but that I didn't want it to go so fast because playing in this illusion was fun. His future breakthroughs and mine could be one level up to the Big Bang (I felt close to experiencing the Big Bang one more time). This was one level up to my past awakenings. I became One with both matter and Consciousness. I was hyper Conscious and I loved it (all of it, the experience I was having and the human experience I am having the rest of the time). At the same time, it is scary because I love this illusion and I don't want to break out of it completely. I want to keep playing with it. Now I think that going deeper but keeping playing are both possible in this human form and that is amazing. For the procedure this time, I plugged 17 mg. I think that I'm very sensitive to psychedelics, as Leo is as well, because I have few resistances. Maybe my mind/body/brain is well wired for it too. But most importantly, I am ready to let go of my ego and all my (and other's) ideas to allow for deep awakenings. But still, I love this game and don't want to go too fast. The come up was as fast as last time. In 3 to 4 minutes I was in full God Mode. And in 25-30 minutes, I was coming back to normal. I was more calm than last time in the comedown. Less ego involved. And I proceeded to write this report down. I'm curious to know if @Leo Gura has some input to add to my Awakening. These understandings brought me a lot of satisfaction and so I feel calm. But I would be curious to know what kind of resistances you still have (if you want to share), and if some would be similar to mine. Also, if you had similar Awakenings, what were the next steps you took and what happened? I'm just at the beginning of realizing the depth of your work with psychedelics. When I see what happens to me on 17 mg of 5-MeO-DMT, and knowing that you are very sensitive to them too, I can't fathom at all right now what it would be like to take 100 mg, but even half of it or even less. Still… I'm curious. So this might come to me too.

Thank you for your message, @Pudgey. I've actually just had insights on that in the trip I've just had. So your words are really nice to read. They feel very accurate and I could not have expressed it better. I posted a short version of my trip, but in a sense, this insight is the most important I brought back. So thank you for writing this. The plus is that this uniqueness applies to every aspects of one's life, not just to consciousness work, and that's something I need to remind myself a lot of, especially when some teachings don't work for me.

@Davino I do speak from direct experience. I think that the mistake I make is that I want to go as far as him in the domain of God-Realization. I want to reach a complete understanding of God and of Alien Infinity. He repeated on the forum that nobody understood these things better than him, that nobody even knew what it was, that he was the most Awake Being on this planet… things like that (I'm not using his exact words). I think that's fine because from my observations, it is true. But I still want to get to these levels of Awakenings. Maybe I focus on going as far as him too much. That's quite a goal I unintentionally set to myself, which is to make that sentence (''I'm the most''… God-Realized, Infinitely Conscious or whatever) not true anymore. So in my trips, I first Awaken normally, but I then I start wondering how far I went or am going - thus, next to Leo (still in his awakenings before alien consciousness, because I haven't reached that yet). That is why my trips get tainted the way they do. So that's not Leo per se I need to let go of, but the desire of making his statement, that there is only one person who has gone this far in understanding Consciousness, stop being correct. It might actually be very hard for me to fully let that go. It's kind of a dream I'm asked to give up on.

I would not worry too much about that. If it is an intuition you already have, it likely won't change things much. Once back to yourself, you'll mostly see her like you normally do - unless you do a conscious effort not to. And it can be fun to interact with others knowing that you're interacting with yourself. It's just a matter of perspective. The fear of realizing that you are God and that everyone is you must not be nice to live with either…

@OBEler Thank you for sharing. I don't really get though why you trip with these substances if you don't really want to fully surrender (have ego death and God-Realization). They're known to be best suited for that, so your approach is quite a mistery to me…

That's sweet. And your limits are understandable.

@Leo Gura Oh no, I didn't mean that. I know I don't have access to your mind and inner workings. That for me is pretty obvious, I don't even think about these things. Sometimes I vaguely wonder how your mind is working, like I also wonder how it would be like to be somebody else, but that's it. I know I don't have access to that and I don't build anything around it. Even in Awakenings I know that I don't have access to your mind. I also know that you're not talking to me directly and that I don't have a personal relationship with you. But that is so obvious. I thought my last message was already saying that I was conscious of that too. I'm well aware that I'm just some words on your screens… I have discernment on all these things.

@Leo Gura I've just looked up the definition of parasocial relationship. I thought I knew what it was, but I didn't. And I agree that that's something I'm guilty of, even though I've been aware of it. I know it is not something good, but somehow, it reassures me to know that there exists someone who loves things that I love too and who has reached very deep understandings of reality. I lack to see that around me and in a sense, I feel less alone knowing that you're there somewhere, even if I'm still alone and will always be. I still don't want to face that all the time, and I can't face the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to in my life about all this. Every time I've tried with people around me, it felt like a lost cause. They don't know what I'm talking about. I think I would not focus as much on you and on Actualized.org if this was more common worldwide and if I could talk about these things with people around me. The shift of fully disconnecting will require a lot of acceptation. And I think that deepening my understanding of reality itself will help, because that's the reason why you interest me so much in the first place. But I still love being guided, because it accelerates my growth process. It's actually very hard to distinguish between the fantasy and the real you. But this is something I find hard to do on anyone, including on myself. I feel like you can never fully know someone, and this obviously applies here. So I realize that I don't know you, but I still think I know parts of you. You've shared about yourself, directly or indirectly. You're not hiding completely who you are. What you write, what you share, the way you express yourself, all of that tells me something about you. All my interpretations might no be correct, but unless you are lying a lot, most of them are correct in my general way of reading people. Still, I realize that you don't share everything. For a matter of time, a matter of privacy, a matter of relevance… Maybe there are very deep parts of you (and/or not that deep parts of you) that you've never talked about or that you've never let us see. I'm conscious that I don't know. I'm also conscious that people change and that I can't ever know for certain what is past and what is present. But I still think that there is a continuum which I can see or sense. All of this knowing and not knowing come into the equation of my own perception of you. And I cannot not have a perception of you. I still try to keep it minimal and remind myself that I don't know. I still have projections because I like not feeling alone, but for the most part, I think I know what my projections are. And parasocial relationships are pretty tricky. But I'll save myself by saying that all relationships are tricky.

@OBEler So far, I don't find it hard to let go on 5-MeO-DMT. I could have let go more to go deeper and/or in different directions, but the experience I was having was already very new and profound, and I let myself have it. Next time I'll do the experience of keeping letting go to see how far I can do so and how different the trip will be. Maybe one thing I find hard on 5-MeO-DMT is that it hits so strongly so fast. I think I actually like that, but it is surprising at first. And also, as the difference between my body and Consciousness was collapsing, it physically hurt in my head. The level of pain was fluctuating, maybe like if it was the process of the body changing level of consciousness. It felt a bit like if my brain was not used to/initially made for so much consciousness. I don't know if that is a common experience on 5-MeO-DMT nor if it will just be this time for me, but I still feel like it hits hard on my body compared to other psychedelics and that is not so smooth. Funny you say that. I've actually ordered 5-MeO-MALT first, but the waiting time was so long that I ordered 5-MeO-DMT a few days after and it arrived much quicker. So I'll soon be trying it! I'm also very curious to know how it will be like. What about your experiences? You seem to be well familiar with them.

@OBEler Thank you. Well, most of the things I learned, I learned from Leo! He also teaches how to let go. However, on a more personal level, maybe I'm not too attached to me either. I'm still doing things to survive (I don't want my body to die, per se) and I take myself ''seriously'' (which means that when I get rejected, it hurts). But I've suffered so much and I still suffer so much, that I don't care to mentally die/let go of me. I want to understand why I am on this Earth, what I am, and what Reality is more than anything else. That is the only thing that still matters to me (at that level). So I want it so much that it becomes easy to let go. I also don't care about suffering more. I really don't care anymore (Leo also teaches that, even if I don't add much nuance here) So I'm not scared of having a bad trip either. I had one, which was experiencing my suffering x10, but it still ended up well. So I think that I can handle bad trips, that I can handle a lot of suffering, and that bad trips can be great too. (This thinking about bad trips might change later, I don't know). So these might be some of the things that come into play. It's a bit weird to me as well to get things quickly as a beginner (this was my 9th trip total). I don't feel super legitimate to speak about my experiences at this point, but I think that I can still do it because I've done a lot of contemplation work and I can't get things completely wrong. That's also interesting for me to have feedbacks because then I have things to check or recheck. And it's also a way to face my biggest fear when I'm sober. Being here is a challenge.

@Leo Gura Thank you. Next time I'll try to let go at the moment my awakening brings something about you. I'll see what happens. At the same time, it's true that I am you, like I am everybody else. The difference is that you said it directly to me/to all of us (''you are me'' or ''you are Leo'') many times, and as I'm learning from you, I have this echo back at me when I Awake - even though I'm not thinking about that when I take the psychedelic. It happens spontaneously. I guess you understand what I am saying. And I understand that it is something to let go of. I asked questions about what to do next. I'm actually starting to feel ready to trip again (won't be able to before a few days). I thought it would take longer because this one was mentally and physically hard (I had a headache for several hours after, something that is extremely rare for me - and during the trip, it felt hard on my head particularly). But I'm happy to notice that this feeling I had right after the trip of needing to wait longer has calmed down.

I agree with what you say, but I feel ready to start again. And as much as there is no reason to rush, there is no reason to wait. Part of the integration will actually be to do it again but a bit differently. I'm still overexcited, but I can't really help it. I think that I just have to burn through it. Have you also had short trips on particular doses of 5-MeO-DMT?

I was just thinking that one of the reasons my trip might have been short was because I was super excited prior to taking the psychedelic as well as right after the peak. I feel like my excitement can sober me quickly once I have a glimpse back to myself. So maybe this strong emotional state is another reason.