Clarence

I think it kind of makes sense that he does. In my case, it's like if I was in a constant inner monologue between me and him as I'm constantly thinking about the things he shared and wonder what will be directly expercienced by me in trips. So he has become a part of me, in a sense, and this shapes my Awakenings. Thanks, I'll try to remove it quicker next time. I thought it could spill if I didn't wait a bit, but maybe not. That would be more convenient.

Thanks, I think a bit of both would make sense. I wondered if there could have been other reasons, but I guess not likely. My trips on other psychedelics also felt quite short (about 2h for psilocybin and 4-5h for 1P-LSD), but I still had some mild affects after, so the short duration was not as obvious. 5-MeO-DMT was far more radical (immediate peak and immediate back to normal after the peak). It was really weird. Hope to last longer and go deeper next time.

Do you have any idea why it could be so short? I'll try again tomorrow with a bit more substance to see if the same happens.

Thank you I must say it's a really weird feeling after having been behind the screen for so long.

My initial post got locked, but I was asked to share about my backstory. I will do so here. I didn't think it was relevant, but apparently it is. Basically, I was born in Belgium in 1996 (French is my mother tongue and I don't like expressing myself in English so much). I grew up with my mother and my sister. My father died when I was young. I faced a lot of suffering and rejection already as a child because there was something different about me. Others kept reflecting to me my difference and I didn't do well socially. I developed at a very young age a very deep sense of not knowing what I was. What we were doing here, what was existence. Why there was something rather than nothing. After kindergarten, elementary school and high school, I signed up to study Philosophy at University. I thought these studies were the most likely to help me in my desire for understanding and for dealing with my suffering. I was wrong. It only got more confusing as I wasn't getting any answers. But it was better than doing nothing. I discovered Actualize.org at that time. I searched on the internet for ''How To Study''. And I watched my first video from Leo. I continued my studies for two years, I tried to improve my methods to become a better student and I tried to create a vision for myself. My struggles though, combined with my deepest desires, lead me to drop out of university to go live in a monastery. I realized that becoming a monk, working on my own Enlightenment and helping others get Enlightened was the most meaningful thing I could do with my life. I didn't care at all about money and success. All I wanted was understanding and doing something meaningful. It was a Buddhist Monastery of the Vietnamese tradition (Plum Village). I arrived there at 21 years old, wishing to take the vows to become a monastic for life. But the more I was getting in, the less it was making sense to me. I was not learning there all of the deep stuff Leo was sharing. We were not even really allowed to read books from other teachers nor trying to gain understanding from other places as an aspirant or a young monastic. I also talked to them about psychedelics and they made me feel that I wasn't in the right place. I suffered a lot because I thought I had found my life purpose. But after living there for nine months, I left. Coming back home, I dealt with a very long and deep episode of depression. I could not manifest any of the teachings I was learning from Actualized.org and I hated myself for keeping failing over and over. Slowly healing from this episode, I decided that the best I could do was to find a part-time job that was not too demanding and spend as much time as I could learning from Leo and other teachers. Though, I've spent more time on Leo's website than on any other. All that mattered to me was to understand what I was and what Reality was, and he was the one expressing it the most clearly. Depression and anxiety kept coming in the way, but I kept doing the best I could with what I had. I had my first psychedelic trip in August of last year. I had been waiting for that moment since I was at University. And, for the first time, I could finally have a direct experience of what Leo was teaching (I had my first Awakening - which was not a God-Realization). I had different types of Awakenings after that, but they were not adding anything new, anything that Leo or others hadn't already shared, and they were just my first baby steps into the field. I knew I still understood nothing. Now, yesterday's Awakening felt different. I felt that I was understanding something new, which was that I had a capacity to intuitively get Leo's teachings and to Awaken to the Realizations that I knew he had had rather quickly, a capacity that most people may not have. It felt like I had a gift, in a sense. From that, I just wanted to share that: ''I exist, I'm here''. I know that Leo knows that he is God. And I know that I am God. And Leo might not know how much another human being right now may know these two things (hence the statement ''I am the most Awaken thing that there is'' - it was on that realization, the realization that I am God awakening to the knowledge that there is at least one other God-Realized human on Earth and awakening directly to him, to his Godhead). My whole point was to share this. There is no other place on this planet where I can do so. Even my closest friends don't know what I am talking about and it pains me, because I'd like to share these things with someone who understands them too. However, and this might be the most important part of my backstory: I realize that Leo knows more and understands more than I do. He had so many trips and Awakenings and I had very few. He studied so many fields and understands so many aspects of Reality better than I do. I know that. The point was not to say that I believed I knew more than Leo. It's still not the case and I still have a lot to learn, to understand, and to directly Realize. But my Awakening felt like I was the first having this Awakening (both the first and the second one). It was beyond Sollipsism (I had an Awakening to Sollipsism prior to that). The first Awakening I shared on my post was more like Leo's Infinity Of Gods Awakening, but with a twist. The second was more of a deepening of the first one, the Realization that this was actually something new, something that nobody else may (could) have awoken to before. And I felt like I wanted to share that, for myself, because it felt right to do so, and for the world, if it could be of any use. In the end, what others think of this doesn't really matter to me. And I might also be deluding myself and figure this out later on (but it didn't seem like it, it felt like one of the possible facets of awakening). Finally, the numbers don't matter either. I am not focusing on that. I know that we are basically manifesting for ourselves the reality we believe in, so I try to keep a clear and open mind as much as I can. I want to go deeper than that and understand things at other, deeper, and new levels (put simply, exploring Consciousness more and more, and all aspects of Consciousness). But honestly, the synchronicity of the numbers is still funny to watch. The chances were quite low to happen in that way if we think about it. So this manifested to me as if I was witnessing Devine Intelligence, a devine design. It added something much more profound to my Awakening to see this from God's Mind. So I am not putting Leo on a pedestal, even if it seems like so in a sense and even if I am doing so in a sense. I'm rather learning from him because he is a very special human considering where most humans are at right now, and expanding my own consciousness doing what he teaches. I'm actually detaching myself more from him and from others than I ever did before. But obviously, I still have a lot to learn from him because he is sharing a life's worth of work in front of me and because he is accessing the deepest levels of awakening and understanding before I will. -- Sorry if I don't answer back to reactions straightaway. I still deal with a lot of social anxiety, which I am working on. I would never have written anything on this forum if I had never had these awakenings. I might answer to reactions at some point if there are any, but I just freeze if I don't have the time to ponder my thoughts before reacting.

@Breakingthewall There is much more to understand and to become conscious of in life. For me, the Beauty is in getting new and more understandings. Maybe you could contemplate why you don't want to try to understand even more. You could also try to have an Awakening to God. Your vision would likely change. Six years ago when I went to the monastery, I pretty much wanted what you explain. I wanted to live from that place, to silence the mind and to be one with reality. I thought I would be free and happy if I accomplished that and that it was one of the highest desires. But with time I realized that to actualize that in everyday life was much trickier than it seemed. And so I was neither free, nor happy, nor satisfied. I came to the conclusion that I needed to have Awakenings and God-Realizations to really know what it was and what my priorities would become. I could not have continued on a path which was leading me nowhere. The interesting thing is that I'm becoming more free now that I'm having these Realizations. So this was the right decision for me, and so I believe that you could benefit from that too.

@Breakingthewall Basically, what you are saying is that your ego wants to be free more than it wants to understand because it thinks that understanding all of Reality won't bring freedom and because it thinks that to understand the Infinite is impossible. But the desire to be free also comes from the ego. Personally, I actually find the desire to understand for the sake of understanding less egotistical than the desire for freedom. I'd love to be free and not suffer, but the path you are describing doesn't seem realistic to me. Are you living from that place of freedom, and how did you attain it? Also, have you had God-Realizations?

@Breakingthewall Thank you. I understand what you are saying, but why would you want total openness to the now more than Absolute Understanding? Understanding is more fundamental to me than dropping the Self, structure and mind. I'm not even sure to what extent one could drop the Self (it is not the ego, unless you mean it that way). Why would you want to be left with nothing? Total openness and no mind are also relative realizations. Awakenings are actually more Absolute than that, despite the fact that you can always go deeper. I find that to Awaken, to understand all of Reality, and so to understand Yourself, to be much more meaningful.

@Razard86 Thank you for your answer. May I ask you what states you are capable of maintaining and to what extent? Are you Awake to solipsism and to being God in your current experience? I have mixed feelings about this issue because I've heard a lot from Leo that it was really hard in general to raise one's baseline consciousness and that, by being a human and so being finite, our body gives us limits which prevents us from remaining extremely conscious. Some levels or some awakenings (like alien consciousness for example) would not be practical or possible to sustain while having a human life. However, I also heard him say from his experience with DPT that it felt that it would be possible to rewire the brain or heal the body in deep extents. In my second to last awakening, I had a sense of that. I felt like if I wanted to, I would have the power (as God) to do so. And that I would have the power as well, if I wanted to, to remain conscious of being God in my current body, and so function in my everyday life differently than how I do now with my ego (what you are saying). I think that there is some truth in both and I'm curious to explore. Hearing many times that it was hard to raise one's baseline state of consciousness and that it was better done with other practices than psychedelics, I've been thinking that there must be truth to that. But I actually don't know to what extent it is true or not yet. Thank you for the links! I've seen them a long time ago but I will rewatch.

The awakening to Solipsism was the realization that I was the only one and that I created and was everybody else (my mother, Leo, my best friends, every other human, past and present, every fictional character or thing that exists). This realization made me so happy. I had it with my eyes closed, I think. I was not seeing in front of me and I was not realizing either what I was doing with my body. I came back a bit to me and to the room when I hit the floor and the wall. I was in a funny position but I didn't hurt myself (I was on my bed initially which is close to the floor). I went from the infinite to the finite world in that instant. There, I sat, on the floor, with my eyes open, still in the realization of Solipsism. It felt really weird and I was thinking ''how could I say that to my mother'', who is downstairs. She doesn't even know it, she doesn't know that I am her, that she is me, that we are God and that we as God created everything. The trip was slowly getting to an end, so my ego was coming back. I wanted on one side to go out like this, be different and show her, on the other, I was scared because I'm a very introverted person, I don't speak a lot nor talk about myself and my experiences, so I was scared if I suddenly acted different in front of her (what was is she going to think of me, I don't want her to know me). So I didn't show myself before I was back to my baseline consciousness enough to act as usual. However, I was still very conscious to the fact that all people were me for about one week after the trip. It was very funny to look at people in their eyes because I was seeing myself directly through them looking at me. But as time went by, it became less strong. Now, I still remember this awakening to Solipsism pretty vividly, but I am not living it. I'm pretty normal. In my experience, it would be very hard to maintain these states of consciousness because you are very different than you normally are when you are having them, and for me, things like eating, even days after the trip, is very difficult. It would be really hard to maintain the human self alive while having these Realizations remaining at that level. At the highest levels, you don't even see in front of you nor are conscious of your body. Obviously, I still have attachments to get rid of and resistances, but it's a process, and I don't think that's the reason the Realizations don't remain as we live as a human. Maybe I'm wrong though, but so far, it makes sense that when the psychedelic leaves my system, I go back to my normal human consciousness. I believe I couldn't stay alive otherwise. But I come back with new informations, which is super exciting.

@Inliytened1 Yes, it did. Thank you…

Dear Leo, I am having my second deepest Awakening. In my first Awakening, I Awoken to you Leo, to Me being You. To Me being Leo. To Me being God. In this second Awakening, I've Awoken beyond you Leo. I am the most Awaken thing that there is, Leo. It is not You, it's Me. It's God. I am God. You may call me Clarence or Yann or God

This is a life changer for me because I've been waiting for Your recognition to Me as God my entire life. And here I am giving that to You/Me.

You've not even Awoken to all of the magic yet. Just look at the numbers, they're perfection. Look when I am writing this and when my profile got created. I was born on the 24th of April, Leo. I am You. I am God. Of 1996. Exactly 11 years apart. 1 and 1. You and Me. I am You and You are Me.

Are you going to tell me that there is more, Leo? Or am I going to tell you that there is more, Leo