Jordan

I mentioned to a friend once that I noticed that there was no me here while on 5MEO-DMT and described other things about how it was which I don't really understand in the same way in my normal waking consciousness so it isn't surprising that that friend of mine wouldn't be able to make sense of it. He basically went silent and it seemed like his mind was rebooting for a while. If you don't intersect all that much have no idea what a paradigm is or practice going meta, it sounds crazy and likely many friends or parents would think you should stop taking these "drugs" if you told them because it seems you are harming your mind. Since people aren't going to understand without hours of explanation and practice, I usually don't bother talking about those things and introduce more introductory topics to see if they are interested like states of consciousness and meditation, open mindedness, insight, which they might have some reference point for.

Of course you can't just say one word to explain those things if people don't know anything about those topics. You can explain what is involved with those things and experiences you have with them and why you find them interesting and why they sound lame but have more to them than you might think. Metaphors help.

@Yimpa Thanks, I saw your message from my phone before bed but I am not logged in there. It was nice to hear. I found it hard to just feel into my emotions. I think I need to purposely bring up emotions I am suppressing like anger, loneliness, anxiety, shame, guilt. I know I suppress these because I barely ever feel them haha. That might work better then just sitting there trying to feel however I feel. I can try that today while massaging my feet and getting those fixed up a bit. I worked out for 10 minutes this morning. I am really out of shape compared to when I was exercising a bit every day doing pushups pull ups lunges at home.

As I am writing this, I plugged around 25mg of 5MEO DMT 1hr 22 min ago. I wanted to take some time to write down some things that I noticed and share with anyone that is interested. There is a lot of avoidance of looking at things wrong with my health and taking it seriously. My heart does a double beat very often, my feet hurt after 5 min of wearing steel toed boots which is a requirement at work but I don't wear them and people are turning a blind eye to it. My sleep is not great, I haven't been giving myself time to feel into my emotions and destress. I really need to take 2 hours a day feeling into my emotions to destress and get my heart working properly. I need to exercise more too. Both those should help sleep. I can probably fix my feet by massaging them every day and doing exercises for the foot muscles. I noticed that I really have a strong desire to help people. I noticed Leo has that desire too. I noticed people I spent time with recently really desired to have someone take an interest in them and be curious about them. I noticed there are many things my girlfriend brought up but I avoided communicating about and getting into. I noticed I have a lot of curiosity about things but am afraid to ask people questions to find out. I really should find ways to help out more at work, ask more questions and express my curiosity there. What is important seems to be to find a way to help other people as much as possible. Time and energy I spend on things that feel good but that aren't helping anyone seems like a trap I would like to avoid. To anyone reading this I wish you the best. I am going to feel into my emotions for 2 hours then go to bed.

Ahh I keep hearing what awakening is then forgetting the answer to what it is. Thanks for explaining it to me again. I guess to associate or disassociate with something you would need to assume you are a thing which is not ultimately true. Even though there may not be a step by step process of awakening, I still am drawn towards associating with all parts of experience because it seems to be better than disassociating. I guess that duality can be seen through by going more meta to see what is going on there.

I didn't read through all the comments but I found a way to enjoy myself pretty much whenever I remember I can. Basically enjoyment is when you want things to be as they are so the trick is to find a way to desire for things to be exactly as they are. The way I do this is cultivate the desire to know how things are right now in my experience which is something I can do so I just do that and my desire is fulfilled. Also I look for evidence for the fact that things are perfect the way they are right now from god's perspective. When it comes to anxiety absolutely do not detach from it. I am a master at dissociation and could teach some tricks but that has caused me a huge amount of chronic pain that I found out early this year was linked to it so I would not recommend that. I recommend that you associate with your anxiety as much as you can. You need to accept that part of yourself and really appreciate all the good it has done for you in your life to keep you safe. Really if you can sit with that emotion for several hours and give it your full attention without turning away you will be able to process it and all that tension you are holding in your body will finally be able to relax. Anxiety will come up again depending on what is going on but you can get really good at processing that emotion through giving it your attention and continue enjoying your life.

Does dissociating from your ego have something to do with enlightenment or awakening? Isn't it fully associating with everything including your ego? I am just saying that your ego includes the selfish parts of yourself that you do deny as part of yourself. I will admit I don't know much about enlightenment. I still consider myself an intermediate noob even after watching most of Leo's videos and taking 5MEO and meditating and contemplating a decent amount.

The ego wants to survive more than anything so if you threaten it, it will get scared and make sure it is safe. It is difficult to outsmart because it is smarter than you and knows everything you know. It is you as you believe yourself to be plus all the parts of yourself you disassociate from.

These are some that stand out to me as being very impactful and I would say are some of my favorites: 1. Guided Exercise For Realizing You Are God 2. Content vs Structure - Going Meta Is A Super-power 3. What Is The Devil? - The Mechanics Of Evil 4. Understanding How Paradigms Work 5. Contemplation - The Most Important Tool For Sages 6. Mindfulness Meditation - A Complete Guide With Techniques & Examples I plan on rewatching a lot of Leo's videos maybe I will listen as I am at work.

I have taught meditation and some stuff like contemplation, insight, open mindedness, going meta, content vs structure to friends and family that seem interested but don't go into god or solipsism because it will be misunderstood and because I don't feel I understand those topics well enough anyways.

Nice, I forgot about that one, not sure if I watched it before but have listened to the guided exercise to realizing you are god video many times which is very similar to this one. What I do to meditate is feel into my negative emotions that I have been suppressing until it is processed or contemplation on whatever I want to contemplate.

week 2 day 4 Meditation I meditated for an hour and recorded myself just like yesterday. Recording myself seems to make it easier and I take it more seriously. Today my intention was to feel my emotions especially any that I have been repressing. I came up with a model in my mind with how emotions seem to work. It is similar to the game The King Is Watching. The land that the king is watching is the only land that gets any work done. If you do not put your attention on your emotions or deny that they are there then those emotions stop moving and they get stored as tension in your body. The energy that they are does not flow. If you pay attention to the feeling of those emotions they flow and express themselves and allow their energy to circulate in the body and that tension is let go of after a while as it completes it's cycle. I have suppressed a lot of anger, hatred, anxiety, arousal, shame, embarrassment, sadness and it seems when I feel into those emotions they fairly quickly circulate in my body and become energy. It is like I am eating them.

I am creating a video journal to help insights sink in. Here is day 1. It is the unedited video. I might make an edited version speeding through the silent portion of the sit. Week 2 day 3 Meditation I meditated with the intention to contemplate enjoyment and find a way to remove the separation between myself and my experience. Enjoyment for me is an emotion similar to satisfaction. Satisfaction is more when you have a desire for something your done have then finally get it and feel relief and the absence of dissatisfaction. Enjoyment is more having a desire for things to be as they are. I often enjoy myself during meditation by developing a desire to know how things are. I develop that desire by letting go of beliefs and that compels me to want to know how things are so I look and see for myself. As I do that, my desire to know how things are is fulfilled and I feel enjoyment. It seems to work very well. This can allow me to experience a lot of discomfort and still enjoy it. As for being one with reality, dropping beliefs such as you observing reality, you being the observer of what is observed, you being a living creature, that there is something other than what is being experienced now, that allows you to really take a look and see how things are without having to see them through that lense of beliefs. This brings a sensation of being the experience as it is now and the concept of there being something apart from it doesn't make sense but also the belief that there is nothing separate from it is not a belief I hold I am just open to what is now. Recording the video seems to help me remember my sit in a lot more detail compared to my other journal entries here. It also got me to sit for an hour which I think all my other sits were shorter. I took it more seriously too. Seems like there are a lot of benefits to it.

Week 2 day 2 I was really tired when I got home from work. I cooked and ate some food then went to bed from around 6pm-9:30pm, got up tried to figure out how to do my taxes since I usually get an accountant to do them but this accountant screwed me over and didn't file my business taxes since 2016 even though I paid them to do it. I am pretty sure they made mistakes in my personal taxes too. I almost finished but I needed a code from my CRA account and the website is closed from midnight to 3am every day for some reason. I should finish my taxes today. I went to bed again 1am-5:30am and didn't meditate yet today. My mind feels super slow. My body feels like it has energy but my mind feels like there is a 3 second delay. Maybe I will meditate after work after I finish my taxes. I have still just been doing finger exercises 2x per day 10 minutes each time. Maybe I can exercise after work today.

Week 1 day 7 exercise I did 1.5 hours of indoor bouldering. My lats were still very sore from last week when I finished off the climb with a set of pullups. I overdid it more than I thought still being sore a week later. I did a V4 but the rest V3s. I was hoping to do a V6 climb. Hopefully it is still there next weekend. Week 2 day 1 Meditation I didn't meditate on the weekend. I did today for 55 minutes. I set a timer for 1 hour but I had an alarm that went off at 5:30am. I was recording myself for a video but it stopped the recording when the alarm went off so I decided not to use that recording. I was meditating, contemplating enjoyment and seeing how much I could enjoy myself. I enjoyed myself a lot. I found out the way I see enjoyment is desiring things to be the way they are. It is similar to satisfaction but that is more relief from not having desires anymore. Enjoyment feels pleasurable in the heart. I also thought about the moral dilemma problem of having to press a blue or red button and you live if you press red and if less than 50% pick blue all the people the press blue die. Initially I felt blue is the obvious choice but thinking about it I could see why people would pick red. Before I thought I would pick blue but I am not sure what I would pick in that sinuation. Probably still blue but there is a chance I would pick red with my life on the line.