I am so happy i wrote about my problems on this forums. I can now see how unaware i was from what i was writing. I decided to post all my comments here on one place so you can read them all, one after another and see how unaware i was. Basicly i just wanted to share my story becouse it might open eyes to someone else who might struggle with the same issues i am. Main one is the last one if you don't want to read through all of it.
5 march:
Hello, i'll get straight to the point. So i've been with my girlfriend for arround 7 months. She is the first person i realy let "in my life". Before that i was with alot of girls but all of them were just from nights out. We both love eachother and we talk about everything. The problem is that i feel like i am getting attached too much and i get scared that i might lose her. That's why i can't completely open myself to her. One day we talked about what would we do/feel if we found out we've been cheating each other and she said she would understand it and if i would tell her that i just wanted to "experiment?" she would accept it. - I don't think i could accept it so easily if she would do that so that scares me. What i think bothers me + attracts me is that she is so confident, she is or she acts like she is not affraid of losing me and would accept that. This is probably what scares me becouse i feel like i couldn't let it go so easily. I consider myself extremely emotional and sensitive. I know it's ridicolous but if for example if she doesn't repy my text or if she is having fun with someone else i get negative feelings. I don't want that. Thank you for reading this, i'm not even sure if this deserves a reply i kinda just wanted to let this out.
14. april:
Hello, first off, thanks to anyone reading and commenting this post, i know it might be long and sorry for bad English.
I(22) have been with my girlfriend(22 for 8 months together. I really like her. I am very emotional altho i don't show it all the time becouse i would end up looking too needy. I have watched all videos from Leo and i try to understand and fix what's wrong. Basicly i want to be happy.
The "problem" is that i think i'm not getting enough attention from her that i should. Don't get me wrong, we go out together, take lunch, we talk about everything. She is very open minded. But what i "miss" is her initiating and showing more love. At the start we had sex every other day, she called me if i could come over in the morning before college. But now, we haven't had sex for 2 weeks and before that we also had sex once per 10 days and that is killing me. You might say i am needy but f*** i am a man and i love this woman and want to show this love more. I'm not saying i want to have sex every day but like 2 times per week seems normal. Also the sex is great and i know she loves it, i allways give her atleast one or two orgasms and i'm all about her when we have sex. I guess what i lack is her desire or "hornyness" at the begining i thought it might be becouse of the pills but she stopped consuming these.
I think that if these streaks of "not feeling" loved will continue it's going to kill my love towards her becouse it realy hurts me and sometimes i can't focus on my study and career becouse of that. She looks like she is not afraid of losing me and i think she might take me for granted. At the begining she used to come over to my house but these days i seem to be the only one making the effort comming to her place. I know she has alot of study and work to do (i have too) but i think she should take more time for our intimicy or am i wrong?
I'll be glad to post more info to whoever has any advice for me of what i should do. Change myself? Or talk to her? I know i can't change her, but meybe she can change herself i guess.
23. april:
This is what happened, what i learned.
Hello again, i just wanted to post what happened, my thoughts since we had "the talk" with my girlfriend. I can't describe to you how relieved i was after the talk.
So basicly, she said yes she did take me for granted and that caused her showing less affection than she actualy had. And that caused anxiety in me and i started disrecpecting myself. I was completely different person. Not the person she fall in love with. I became affraid i will lose her and that caused "games" from my side to start. She is buisy alot with work and college and she just shuts her off so she can concentrate to goals and that shut down caused even more anxiety in me becouse i thought she doesn't like me anymore. I can see it clearly now. Yesterday when we had the talk it was the first time we talked completely openly to eachother. We never have argued and that caused problems becouse we wanted to be nice all the time and not tell stuff that bothered eachother. Basicly i fell totaly in love with her and i became a pussy. She says she still loves me but we agreed we need some time apart, couple of weeks. She was very emotional and she was crying. She said she is going to call me if she won't be able to take the pressure. I know there is the "no contact" rule if you want to forget her which i currently began to start. I deleted my snapchat, instagram, i have hidden her facebook posts from myself (not blocking her) becouse i belive if i don't think about her is the only way i can let her go or become self reliant and a f***** man. So basicly what i learned is that you have to be yourself all the time, good bad, you have to accept who you are. When i think about what happened i realize that i knew this was comming but what i can see now is yesterday i just came out of car and said "you don't want to be with me anyymore right?" and now i can see how i completely had a different picture of what was going on. She probably didn't even want to leave me yesterday, she might just need the talk we had. However after we did agree to just pause it and see eachother when we are ready. We didnt comunicate in realationship and that caused everything going wrong. I learned alot.
I don't know why but i just wanted to write this here. Meybe a reminder for myself next time.
I havent slept today. I can't eat. I went for a run and did some workout. Now i am commited to college and my tasks. I'm trying best to concentrate on work, need to find myself again. I was lost last few months.
If she calls ofcourse i will answer. (or no?).
Thanks.
24. april:
My enlightment
One more update: I realized that i've been addicted to approval for my whole life. I realized that and my life is alot better now. It's funny now when i read my posts how unaware i was. But then again we are unaware that we are unaware It hit me when i send the mail to my girlfriend and then started the anticipation, the waiting period. I thought it's going to take her atleast a month to reply. She replied after one day. And i just felt this relief, this "hit", "shot" of approval and i literaly had a picture in my mind of a needle going into my veins. And i felt great, but not for long. You can never get enough of the drug, never enough of approval. I realized i am addicted. I never thought this even existed. I was very very unaware altho i have watched all of Leo's videos. I watched the adiction videos, watched the video that aplied most to me: How to stop caring what people think of you. I watched it 2 times today and i became to understand. I became aware. I know i am probably still unaware but it is a progress. I realized i was pleasing everyone in my life just to get that "hit" of approval. Even if i didn't like the person i wanted them to like me, to see me as being something special. I cared too much. I was destroying my life and my potential without even realising, i thought i am amazing. I realy realy see now how bad this addiction is (i still am, it will take time and alot of conciusnes to overcome it and it will not be easy). I think it is literaly as bad as if i was a hard drug adict, i think these "shots" are very similar to thos altho i never tried any hard drugs.
If i look back on my life, i see why this came up now. I was a video games adict for most of my life, now i see it wasn't the games i was addicted to. I was addicted to approval of my friends and online friends who would confirm that i realy was the best player or that i realy was good. If you ask my friends that used to game with me (real life friends) they would tell you that i either play or not but if i play i have to be the best. I have to spend 10 hours on that game just to acomplish being the best. A year ago i stopped playing video games becouse i realized that they were destroying my life and potential. But with me stopping with video games, i lost the approval i got from them. So i had to search for that "hit" somewhere else. Then i met my girlfriend, it was good on begining becouse of the butterflies and becouse i would get approval al the time in that phaze but then, i got less and less "hits" and not becouse she wouldn't love me anymore but just becouse that's how it works, you try alot more on beggining of realationship. But i still needed that fix, i needed approval, it was craaaaving in my body but i didn't realized what that crave actualy is. And that caused the realationship to fall apart. I am very happy that it happened. If i never met that person i might stay stuck in life forever, searching for my next fix of approval. We have a pause now. I realize we might break up and that is most likely going to happen but i am more relieved than ever. She understands me i started expleining to her what i explain here but we need a bit more time, i need more time.
I guess this is my enlightment story i wanted to share with you. It's a small step but it is a step forward. I would just like to thank Leo for his awsome videos that helped me understand, to open my eyes, open myself to the world. I still have to be careful not to fall in the same trap again, but i will do my best.
Thank you
