eos_nyxia

I probably wouldn't either! Once in a rare while, I do compliment women I don't know though, and am also complimented by women that I don't know. For example: going to get coffee, a stranger compliments you. That can be nice even if you're in ultra-introvert mode, like a hermit crab in a shell around people you don't know really well. I've sometimes read about the experiences of men online who received compliments from strangers (or acquaintances), and how it made their day. I don't recall anything about it being women that they were sexually attracted to, or whether these women were single and available or not. It seemed more like a nice compliment from a stranger. What I do remember being mentioned over and over is that many men so rarely receive compliments, that it really sticks out in their memory that it happened, and perhaps when they're feeling low or not worthwhile, it's something that they revisit over and over again. And I've thought to myself... maybe I can do that too? It takes so little effort to actually give a compliment, it's like everything else around it is the issue... This sounds kind of ridiculous to say this out loud, but I actually, actively don't want my male friends to develop a debilitating sense of attraction to me. It makes me feel bad knowing that maybe I could have prevented it somehow, but then, it also feels like it's hard to know for sure. At least in the past, from my perspective.... friendships felt "normal" until I became too open and too warm emotionally, too vulnerable maybe (as in, overshare), as it's natural enough to become that way over time with... anyone? It's hard to say if they were always attracted to me and kept it under tabs, or if it developed and intensified with time, but the pretense of friendship no longer made sense anymore at that time. I think that's a very healthy attitude, actually. Taking people for what they are without having lots of hidden expectations, and focusing on the best of what people can bring and share authentically to an interaction, or relationship.

TBH, I have different love languages from my husband. He is more quality time/ physical touch, and I'm more acts of service/ receiving gifts, at least traditionally. Over a rather long span of time since we've known each other (let's just say just under 19 years or so), we've picked up a lot of each others' ways of natural communication, a lot through osmosis and sometimes through sheer effort, to the point that it's become natural to express ourselves in ways which were not native to each other originally. We adapted. So it seems natural to me to continue to learn how to adapt to others' ways of communicating, I suppose (within reason). Deep down I am optimistic about change and would strongly prefer to believe that we can all communicate better, become better versions of ourselves, if we are open to each other and open to growth. Despite whatever my life has been like. A lot of people become very insular with age, especially in my position. They find a partner and some close friends, their family, and then they sink entirely into that life. They check out. They cease to learn anything about how other people are, and how to interact with them, because they're not interested in forming new relationships or going outside their comfort zone, or maybe they just let it all happen organically and they don't think about this stuff. It's really easy to. And it's really easy to let a small, insular social circle (if not one just based on your partner) become your whole worldview, as it's the only viewpoints you actually have to contend with. It is not "wrong" per say, but for me, this somehow feels incomplete. My issue is actually that I'm not sure about how to be around other people anymore and that I feel really out of touch at times because I've spent quite a long time being relatively isolated; so I feel very undersocialized in many ways compared to other people in my culture/ this time period, but I suppose I could say equally that people don't know much about being in very long term relationships or being and stayed married (and not getting utterly sick of, detached, and spent with each other). Like... this is not my grandparents' or great-grandparents' era. Most people in first-world countries don't marry someone they knew and dated as a teenager and ultimately end up together anymore. Growing with someone in this way is perhaps a lost skill. I feel like if I had been more social and followed more of a "normal" life path, then I wouldn't be asking these questions on a personal level, lol. Also, I genuinely, legitimately do feel for people who feel like they're starved for positive attention and affection, whether it's touch (sexual and romantic or not) or compliments. Why would it be a stretch since I know what that feels like? It makes me sad because I get to hear so much affirmation every day, and I get the chance to give it too. To think that I can give something freely when it is no loss to myself (like a compliment), what's wrong with that? Basic empathy, I thought..... Personally, I think of it a lot like practicing gratitude as a more formal, concentrated effort, like listing every day all of the things you are grateful for. Even if it hasn't always come naturally, as long as it's not so forced that it's inauthentic, doesn't this have a lot of positive potential? Eventually, you practice something enough, and it does become a naturalized and and ingrained habit.

Yea, generally happens all along, in increments, though often felt like I've needed space to reflect on it. This I can do, and I can do very well I think! I really love getting these types of compliments, and I love giving them too. I guess in my case, I've felt for most of my life like there's been a very sensitive, expressive person who has been trapped inside the more outward shell of someone who comes across a lot more cerebral and cold, and even reserved to the point of being retentive. At least at first, anyway. I've been told a good handful of times by people who became my friends later that I come off as standoffish IRL (even intimidating, at times), and that they were surprised that I was so nice and warm once they got to know me better. I think it's mostly how I was raised, somewhat "traditional" and quite strict (for where I live, anyway). That and I'm capable of living and feeling at home enough inside the domain "logic" and "the intellect" like my dad, who I very much get in that way (and he feels like he just "gets" me in this way too). Very strong displays of emotion were frowned upon in my family period. I didn't get much of a pass for being female, TBH. And I don't just mean anger/ frustration/ tantrums. If I was too joyful, excited, or even a bit "hyper", I could just tell that my parents didn't like it. And one way I showed my love for them was by becoming more of what they want... and less like myself, less expressive with my presence, my body, and matching their energy level. I talked far less and spent most of my time listening around them, became meeker and stiller as to not take up too much space. I asked them the questions they wanted to hear, gave them the affirmation that I intuitively felt like they wanted and needed. You could just call this "people pleasing" (or just wanting to be a "good daughter") and you wouldn't be wrong, but I was mostly just like this with them, not with my friends growing up. Add early childhood touch-based trauma (both the lack of affection plus negative touch) to it and trying to find "authentic expression" has been difficult, to say the least. Literally, my husband has ended up teaching me over the years, because my upbringing was a huge void emotionally. We have filled each others' cups in so many ways, but still. There have been struggles and there have been limitations. I've been perpetually moving toward something that is not some emotionally and physically stilted version of myself (early childhood), or the rebellious and rather unhinged version of myself (early teenaged years). It often feels like I've been shifting between "heart" (more unhinged, expressive, impulsive) and "mind" (principle-based, mentally resolved, rather tightly laced up) in my outward expression for years, often in long phases. Neither of these feel "natural", exactly, though I guess being unhinged has felt more natural. Did it feel like the "true me" though? No. I've never felt like my "authentic self" is angry except for in the short term. My childhood self was not angry.

I didn't even know that there were naturally blonde native Egyptians? I thought there were only naturally blonde (and light-eyed) people in the Levant (Syria/ Lebanon, even Palestine), though light eyes show up often enough in various other central Asian countries, Iran, Pakistan sometimes, etc. But not from Egypt or the Gulf Region. Are they Berber?

This very much feels like a list in the same vein as the Heart Sutra.

I've got one thing to say to you:

...I'm not sure whether I should suggest you to let off some steam somewhere else, or to turn that psychoanalytic eye on yourself for once. Why you harassing people? Haha. Do you always harass people who are trying to figure out how to do something nice in a genuinely no-strings-attached kind of way?

I've heard this from both my husband and a few of my closer guy friends over the years. They've preferred to be close friends with women overall, even if they've had male friends they've known for ages, because they can actually talk about their emotions without it getting super weird. With my husband, he never cared for the element of mindless competitive fist-bumping that groups of younger guys especially often do; it's just not his thing. I think it's made worse by the fact that he had a working-class upbringing, and he was still left with the concern about being "too sensitive" and "having too many feelings" even though he's always had some sharp edges and never took shit from people. I get it because I'm a similar way in that I've never cared to compete with my female friends, and on some deep level, it always made me sad when it has happened, or when my intent was interpreted as competitive. However, I feel like a lot of girls either outgrew that habit in puberty (puberty is a confusing hellscape for lots of us!) or else it became much more subtle. As I've grown older, at least in the "real world", it's been a lot easier to gravitate towards people of like mind anyway. IMO the purpose of friends is to find (or create!) a deep level of common interests and shared perspective, and I think it should also be to genuinely uplift each other and have enjoyable interactions. I feel like it's not a real friendship otherwise. I'm super duper basic/straightforward in this way, lol. Thank you for your very helpful perspective as well. I will keep it all in mind, especially the part about not trying too hard.

@Princess Arabia Thank you for your response. It's all good food for thought. TBH Surprised that people took this post... so personally? When this convo came up, it was very casual. Like a thought experiment that might or might not work in reality. Didn't expect this to turn into free psychoanalysis by strangers (especially so quickly lol).

@Buck Edwards How did you manage to make a post where I was mostly interested in general answers, as personal as possible? (Though maybe I didn't make that clear originally IDK.) When I made this post, I wasn't particularly asking for a free critique and a bunch of assumptions about my personal life. I was more interested in... how do straight men want to receive compliments from women in general? The only reasonable answer you gave to that is... "don't give any compliments to any men because you're married and they can't have you, and or only say the right things that aren't about their looks because that could be interpreted as flirting." with a nice heaping side of "and that's probably your fault, you attention whore you." (why are you such an attention whore, and such a woman?). All the other stuff is a bunch of projections and a lack of interest in understanding. Which makes me wonder why you're wasting time talking to me. I did not ask for a dissection of my backstory, which you know nothing about. Details of individual situations and context are sometimes everything, ya know. Why are you going out of your way to project secret ill intent into my motives though? Or to find things wrong with me?

Perhaps true, but also perhaps projecting. Perhaps I missed something, perhaps not. Legitimately, maybe I do not know for sure. What drama though? Not sure where you're pulling these assumptions out of. Husband = no male friends? Got it!!!!!! Wait, don't you try to meet everyone's needs in some way? Friends? Family? Etc. You don't really know anything about my dynamic with my husband, I'm not sure why you keep interjecting about him into this conversation when you don't know what the dynamics of our relationship is like, our level of trust, or even if I'm a following the traditional monogamous life path or not? What I'm talking about is literally everyone else. I've known him for a long ass time; hopefully when you know someone for that long, you truly, actually know how they think and feel. It's not my job, but I still wanted to know and to ask. Experience has not proved this to be true, personally. Men get bored too, it seems. So it really just is about getting compliments from people you only want to date and have sex with, and where there's a real chance of it? If that's true, I guess that would be simple enough then! Either way, I'm not sure why y'all are writing to me like I'm having a massive life crisis about this.

Y'all need to stop projecting.

I like to think about things that many people see as small things and deconstruct them and analyze them. Small issues usually relate directly to bigger issues somehow. I also like to think about society in general, which is in a way always open-ended. Always becoming and transforming. I like to try to understand these things. And as mentioned above, a lot of my emotion does actually follow my "logic" first, and not vice versa, so I need to have some sort of clear logical understanding, perspective, or praxis governing my emotions and behaviour. I'm under the understanding that this is actually quite alien to quite a few people. Yea, I know that? This is about complimenting men more in situations that I would like to remain platonic. I've lost a good handful or two of male friendships for this reason over the years (some of them were very good ones IMO), and I think I've had one where we stayed friends but we aren't particularly close anymore anyway. I would like to avoid situations like these if possible. This isn't about my needs; I know how to not compliment everyone on the street, lol. This is at least partially about men complaining (or feeling wistful) that they don't get compliments from the opposite sex more. I myself was just wondering about myself, coming from the opposite side of the equation. What could I potentially do to meet some collective, unmet need? So it has to be this way because it's been this way since time immemorial? I guess if that's truly the case, no compliments for anyone then! Seriously though.... people complain that modern urban society is cold, insular, and unempathetic, I am legitimately trying to figure out how to be kinder and less.... cold, insular, and unempathetic. Lol............

Yea, I think you're right about everything that you've said.

To a degree, being around people is a chore for me, unless they really feel like "my people" (or "my person", in the case of my husband). There has been a high degree of social masking involved throughout my whole life, since early childhood. It IS draining and unnatural for me. It's likely related to this issue, but is also a whole other can of worms in and of itself. I actually do sympathize a great deal with men who feel like they have to learn social skills and inference from scratch, because in many ways I have been doing the same thing, though probably I started when I was much younger. Basically: 1) observe 2) take action 3) see how people react 4) observe 5) draw conclusions 6) rinse and repeat steps 1-5 7) assess conclusions again Basically, a lot of everything that I do socially is done manually or deliberately, and sometimes that involves a lot more rumination than is really technically necessary. (Or you could say "consciously", but I don't put my own behaviour on a pedestal here, it's just my defacto state.) A lot doesn't come automatically or impulsively, especially the older I get. This isn't about my husband or my relationship with him, actually. There is no anxiety there. There is a highway of compliments going both ways, but I actually learned a lot about how to be much freer with compliments from him, based on the way that he treated me. I didn't grow up with compliments or positive affirmation, and it's really hard to model what you don't know. However, I do actually have the desire to spontaneously compliment positively. I used to work in education with youth for a time, I was very free with my compliments. It wasn't natural to me though (see above), but I learned. Sometimes it's been like I've wanted to say something complimentary so bad, but it always seems so WRONG, either what I say, or how it comes out. At times in my life I've been quite isolated, and that hasn't helped at all with the hyperconsciousness thing. The original post is moreso about dealing with and meeting new people, having friendships with the opposite sex, making sense of ambiguous expectations, etc. I like to minimize problems. So much so, that I think about problems that don't technically exist yet (but probably will, lol). The other thoughts are just things I thought were worth talking about, as a social issue. Aka. why can't cishet men get more compliments if they need/ want them? I don't think it's a bad sentiment to want to meet people where they are, and help the collective needs of society be met somehow, do you? I'm not of the mind of people automatically understanding and hitting it off with me and then having excellent, effortless relationships all the time without some sort of "effort" or "work" on my part anymore TBH. And also just expecting it to go somewhere, and then actually have it go somewhere according to my expectations/ ideals. Also, isn't it worth learning to get along with people and understand them, for everyone's greatest good?

I might just start saying "no homo" after every compliment I give to the opposite sex now.

This Bharatanatyam dancer. I feel that this is a much more bold and fierce style than you would normally see: I admire her strength, grace, and general athleticism.

@LSD-Rumi Nice, thanks! I did think that the aesthetic (in both style and content) did look very distinctly Persian. It's nice to see a variety of sources from around the world.

A lot of people would disagree with you. But still, "smaller" issues that people face are still issues to be dealt with. ....you seem to have a habit of reductionistic thinking, as in, making complex issues extremely simplistic in questionably appropriate ways. You and mostly everyone else, it seems. I admit that I'm not that interested in what would support the either decaying or due-for-serious-upheaval social infrastructures of one country or another, or one continent or another. Nor am I that knowledgeable about the best practical ways to adapt social infrastructure so that we don't fall apart into unnecessary chaos and conflict. IMO short-term sacrifices are necessary for long-term gain though. Mostly I'm interested in what would make this world a more beautiful, harmonious place to live for every single human being that lives here, for the animals that live here... where we can have both spirituality and advanced technology in a state of environmental balance. I'm mostly interested in the big-big picture, or the extremely long-term picture. A world where we seriously prioritize having MORE PEOPLE! isn't a world that I would enjoy living in, personally. I also hate being in giant, crowded cities, regardless of environmental impact. I'm talking about the spiritual, subtle qualities of this experience. Big surprise, right? Personally, I really do not understand humanity's fixation on the "quantity" of human experience, rather than sheer quality first. It's like people took the "be fruitful and multiply" sentiment (which is "natural" enough, I guess) from an era where there were far, far less people without global environmental concerns, and their deeper-value system is prioritizing replicating their particular cultural ethos and bloodline first and foremost above all else. I don't care about this. And if you reproduce knowing how precarious the future is (or could be) without thinking about it carefully, you're either very driven by animalistic impulses and have made that your life ethos, you're very susceptible to cultural indoctrination, or perhaps you just have a bunch of screws loose? Admittedly, if I had it my way, humanity's population would cap off around 1-2 billion, maybe 3 billion at the absolute tops. I know this is probably considered an extremely radical perspective amongst the general populace (?), but I'm of the general awareness that quite a few environmental scientists agree with me, and may not be considered that radical in that field. And again with the fixation on the sheer quantity and masses of humanity: just because you can choose to max out Earth's carrying capacity, it doesn't mean that you should! Like say you're having a party, will you have a better party by shoving more and more people within a very limited amount of space, without considering the aesthetics and dynamics of the space itself?? For some people: I guess a busy party is always a better party? For me: this is a headache. I don't discriminate at all based on culture or poverty levels (though I think deliberately bringing children into urban poverty is asking for a lot of problems on both a social and environmental level). I think everyone should have either less or no children. People in very poor, rural eras with extremely limited access to modern technology have a significantly lower carbon footprint, no? TBH I don't exactly agree with environmentalists and environmentally inclined people on everything though, mostly based on sheer, raw intuition. For instance: I'm not as concerned with global warming as many people are. I consider it to be par-the-course, a point that we are reaching sooner rather than a bit later, though done in a very haphazard way.

Oh... you mean, when will they communicate physically, to our faces? You mean something "benevolent", right? Probably when our beingness is as still as the dead of night. We are much too loud, too unsubtle and unperceptive, too conflicted, and turning our energies every which way in haphazard, unholistic ways. Arguably for no known greater, actual existing cause for the most part. There is a certain lack of directness, understanding, openness, and actual clarity across the board. A sort of base level of "matching" must occur in order for there to be a... match. It's the simple universal law of communication/ communion (or having matching "on par" enough vibrations, as the New Age calls it). Even if there is a means to override this, most harmonious beings and species do not prefer to communicate in inharmonious ways. Which is why merging with the "law of least resistance" (even if eventually and not right away) is a sort of spiritual principle as well. This is moreso my conjecture from observing watcher-types: have you ever just observed people who are homeless, who might possibly have a condition such as untreated schizophrenia? Have you ever tried to communicate with such a person, or watched another person try to communicate with them, and observed the ways in which they very much appear "not here" or "somewhere that is clearly elsewhere", as if drawn up in some other, unseen conflict in some otherwise unseen world, as if collapsing upon themselves onto perpetual sharp edges? Would you want to get too close to this, would this serve any real purpose? How do you truly communicate with someone who knows nothing except how to have ongoing arguments with themselves? Would you want to stand right in front of someone who is flailing around erratically, screaming, with a knife in your face? Would you enjoy this? Would it give off acceptable vibes? Would it feel "safe" or proper? Wouldn't this screaming still hurt your ears even if you don't take it personally or become reactive? Is this actually to anyone's actual highest good? Great, now imagine a giant room full of people like this. The way of the "enlightened universe" is generally non-interference, and letting life live itself and figure itself out, and letting "karma" and nature take its course (within reason). If you cannot be open as you are, you stay in the shadows. That is the path of greatest harmony/ the least resistance anyway. Beyond this, there is the issue of the biological compatibility of their "energy" in our body and what this would do to us psychologically and psychologically, and sometimes vice versa as well.

To communicate? If and when we are hollow like glass stones. Void, open, and receptive. What reaches you when you are not this way tends to be... not so great, if anything reaches you at all. Also, the more bogged down and attached to various constructs you are, the harder it is to assess the quality of anything received, it seems. The whole process of having non-discreet identities, thought and emotional dramas, psychological fixations, and being overly attached to human culture and ways of doing things isn't particularly helpful either. It really doesn't help that human culture and collective priorities are not very compatible ATM and have not been for most of written human history. Either these are bypassed in some way, or you minimize it and do things properly in clear, open consciousness. Being able to communicate through sheer "beingness" rather than "trying" (or the forceful, pointed nature of having and directing thoughts and emotions) is a big part of it. Alot of beings either cannot or will not participate in this sort of "beingness matrice" (for a lack of a better term...).

@LSD-Rumi Artist/ painting names?

My dude, there has always been direct access to the collective consciousness. But is it generally not treated as a precision art form/ science/ whatever. Most people just go the dream/ daydreaming route, or rely on seemingly random bouts of inspiration.

There is only so much you can do with -isms as a root framework of thinking, you know? I tend to think of it as a living relic of the 20th century/ "Western" modernistic thinking, though my time frame here might not be totally precise.

@Tenebroso It's not particularly healthy to make a whole universal philosophy out of your own traumas, you know? (Though it is healthy to protect yourself in a mindful way.) It's a bit too easy to switch around the genders in mostly everything that you wrote.