eos_nyxia

In my case, I've been aware since I was about a tween that overall the opposite sex didn't need my brains or any of my other "gifts", nor did they always care. It's not really personal. In many cases: it is simply a reflection of what a person values. Or what they need to function in this world in a more balanced way, to function better, or to be more rooted/ stable, or more expressive. To come more into their own. And as I got a little older, I knew that even if they did care, those similarities alone are not the engine of a sustainable relationship.

I grew up in a "seriously intellectual" family with a "seriously intellectual" father; I inherited a lot of his traits. was far more classically gifted than he ever was, and I was also raised to shun most frivolity. Not to say that my parents didn't have a sense of humour.... they did. ....give me a "himbo" any day over most self-identified intellectual types, lol. (keeping in mind that "intelligence" is completely relative between two people.) The issue with "serious intellectualism" isn't intellectualism, IMO. It's taking yourself way too seriously, and also being too far up your own ass and too obsessed with being right to have an adequately reciprocal relationship. It's also having to babysit and pander to a person's ego. People who identify heavily with intellectualism (in a similar way that people identify heavily with "being an artist" and all that it represents) tend to be frail, and deep down, often strike me as deeply insecure in their own abilities and capacities. What looks like confidence gets superimposed on top of that. For me: I find that it tends to be unsustainable. At its most aggravating (and unfortunately this has been very common): the world doth revolves around them and their judgement and assessment of the world and others (and you), and there isn't often a lot of room for others in this world. There is this lack of warmth and appreciation for simplicity, and people/ things simply being wherever/ however they are. We have intellectualism and "being evolved" (whatever flavour you choose of this) for its own sake. It often boils down to yet another version of others must be less than so you can be more, as in, this is their fundamental lens for dealing with the world (literally via the function of "judgement") and it's usually pretty in your face. ....and who wants to have these sorts of conversations? Not me. I don't enjoy it. At its best, creative/ intellectual bonds between the opposite sex are very volatile and so only function well for a very short period of time in close quarters. I mean, especially if you have some sort of "meeting of minds" type relationship or even an "artist/ muse" dynamic. The closer and more open you are, the more volatile it tends to be. Artists tend to feel the need to abuse or write and speak over the muses, and self-identified "minds" practically disagree with each other by definition. I'm talking about weeks or months, in most cases. If you don't create distance somehow, everything that was originally worthwhile tends to deteriorate completely, IMO. I used to think that this was maybe some flaw with myself, but who knows anymore. All I know is that it's not suitable for day-to-day living. What these men need in a partner is probably someone who functions more like a "helpmate", who is ideally "intelligent enough" to have actual conversations about what they do and value, who is pleasant enough, and they probably don't need any of the "other stuff" either in order to have a long-lasting, functional relationship. Let alone "extreme intelligence" or even "tier 2 intellect" or whatever, haha. Or alternatively: the opposites work well too, someone who lives more by the law of their gut/ heart, or who is more extroverted. (in the case that your introversion factors into your self-absorption.) Not two people being "self-absorbed" in a very similar way. (though technically, we all are in some way; as it's the nature of POV) ...........just as I technically do not either.

There is often a profound gap between what "we" experience and what we put out "into the world". We say that this is what it, what must be, and must be true. These barriers cannot exist though. It must break down completely, and it will is.

This is everyday stuff though. Ordinary, but in the most glorious of ways. And the simple nature of "everything everywhere all at once". Thought and experience transform, sometimes at an exponential speed, sometimes with no seemingly obvious prompt. (At least from where you are, sometimes.) It is simply the nature of it. The "rules" change, the perceptual filter changes; what you see and experience changes. Who and what you become, and what you can experience and see-through, it changes. The rules of what "you" or "I" are and what you can do with this all, it changes. "Probability fields" are the nature of "human thought" moving forward, I believe.

Even I have to get out of a certain sort of headspace. I hope a lightning bolt comes down and strikes some sense into all of us, all of us who are having conversations of a certain sort. Collective, shared reality is the ONLY reality. Until then, it's just a slightly different game, on a slightly different track. A snap of your fingers could take you out of it.... if you knew how.

My god... This really cannot be the end objective for us all. That any one of us should hold this perspective (or all of us), no matter whatever it is that we've seen, experienced, felt.... etc. Whatever it is that we've become. This really isn't the way. We can't really do anything with this all collectively, whether it's actually true or not.

I'm finally FINALLY figured out who made this damn song!!! I remember it being mixed on the radio that you'd hear in public with contemporary music as a kid. And then as I got older, I still heard it played. .....you hear this one riff in it and it kind of gets stuff in your head forever. All of their most well-known songs sound kind of familiar, so I've most likely heard them multiple times before. For example: ......I can't believe that I thought that "Dire Straights" was an industrial band for over half my life, haha.

Sometimes being shy around people, socially anxious (like being closed-off due to discomfort), or reserved (cultural conditioning) comes off as "bitchy" because it doesn't match people's expectations of how a ""hot"" woman should behave. ....or just not going out of your way to be friendly, being literally self-absorbed (like lost in thought, your own personal issues or dramas, etc.) rather than being present with people, open, accommodating, etc. Maybe even being really tired or disconnected from yourself emotionally. === "looks bitchy"

Isn't it utterly misery-inducing to feel compulsively attracted to that which you also hate? Like an intense push-pull in you that feels like you're being torn at. At some point... it's probably going to come back to you, that disgust and hate. That which you project outward tends to eventually come back to you, especially if you stay stuck in your perspective. In a roundabout way, a disgust of women tends to be a manifestation of your own self-hate, insecurity, etc. (Likewise, as a woman, despite whatever it is that I've been through and why, if I were to hate men, that would eventually tend to come back to me as a form of self-loathing.) I feel like I'm stating the obvious: what comes easily to others isn't necessarily what they value. At all. Just because you value what doesn't come so easily to you... it doesn't mean that it does anything for them, or means very much. Try to put yourself in another person's shoes: what good is supposedly "endless sexual options" of people who don't really value you, in ways that don't provide physical/ emotional satisfaction? (E.g. consider the "orgasm gap" between hetero men and women in casual sex/ relationships). Also: just because someone appears arrogant, cold, or narcissistic doesn't mean it's because of the reason that you think it is (are we talking about people who you don't really know and how they come off from a distance here, or are you talking about acquaintances? People you actually talk and interact with? People on social media? Is this about IRL?) It doesn't mean it's because they're patting themselves on the back thinking, wow, I'm so hot! Look at all these utter peasants who are beneath me! No need to caricaturize people?

I'd imagine so! This would be like someone my age collecting Atari, lol.

That said, I actually agree with a lot of what's on that list. Valuing a lot of these things was especially important to me because I got jack shit from my family in terms of emotional protectiveness (and even physical protectiveness in some ways), openness, warmth, care and attention, understanding, etc.

Wasn't this term from a Teal Swan video originally? I found a transcript of her video here, and there is a bullet point list which might be worth looking at: https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/masculine-containment-r443/ ...I have to ask though, is it really actually that emotionally healthy for adult men to only be doing the containing, even if this is what works for a lot of women? Don't they have to get it from elsewhere somehow? Isn't this horribly one-sided and a recipe for being emotionally retentive and dysfunctional? Like... are a lot of these points just human needs? Because like the article says, traditionally, men are 'supposed' to not just hold it for their women, but other women. And probably on top of that, their children, and their community. I can't help but wonder if this is a very common factor in men when they seek something emotional (as in, NOT just sexual) outside of their primary romantic relationship.

Listening to "Small Hours"... in the small hours. The lyrical part is what both "hope" and being hyperpresent sound like to me. (And "hope" is something that I pretty much never feel nor do I really think there's a point to that emotion just generally. But if there is anything positive about hope at all, somehow this is it.) Every time I hear it, I wish it would just never end, and go on and on and on... ...it always ends too quickly.

@something_else I get that. If you're young and/or sensitive to other people's opinions about you, it's kind of a lose-lose situation as a woman. No matter how you respond (or if you don't), unless you're giving the other person exactly what they want from you, they're bound to not be happy.. and possibly get aggressive with you. I don't blame anyone for just stepping out in that case; it's by far the easiest option.

TBH it never actually occurred to me originally that people thought of that as "ghosting" before you've even established a definite connection or talked that much, let alone met IRL or went on a date. To me, it's simply a conversation that naturally didn't go anywhere for whatever reason... If it's just a couple of messages exchanged (even if they're lengthy enough), getting butthurt is like: ???????? ...conversations and exchanges fizz out and go nowhere in particular in person too, and it's not necessarily because someone is being inconsiderate and inattentive, let alone malicious about it. It's the spontaneous nature of human connection and chemistry that can't always be easily predicted. I mean... especially if you're a guy and you're shooting out a lot of messages, why get upset about mine in particular? Particularly when there is nothing -particular- about our conversation, like you could be having that conversation with any woman who was your"type" was// fulfilled a specific need/ desire/ whatever.

@Tyler Robinson Yea, by default it's easier to not engage. I feel bad sometimes for dudes though because I see them trying very hard and getting frustrated. (But I stop feeling bad if they lash out or have a meltdown.) It's what drives them to seek out really questionable advice from some not-so-great men, and even though I'm not a huge advice-giver myself... I feel at least a little bit responsible even if I'm not interested in them personally. Respecting some personal version "the social contract" and all that. Technology makes it even easier to be evasive in a way that people feel is deeply inhumane on some level. A lack of attention/ appreciation/ "love" can and does kill in its own way.

Though I actually would actually answer honestly a lot of the time if someone asked why I was not responding (sometimes there wasn't anything done wrong, but there wasn't exactly much "done right" either). Dudes aren't always nice about continuing to talk to you if you're not giving them what they want/ expect... like they can get extra abusive even if they were "nice enough" before. For every dude who is a civil human being about it, others are butthurt and calling you names// trying to knock you down a few pegs... when really, it's not that personal... like, at all. It's a sign our times, I guess. Also for the record: men do the same thing enough. Maybe far less overall, but still.

TLDR; try to see it from the opposite perspective? Imagine that you get quite a few messages, some of them quite long and detailed, some far less so. In my case, in the past, even when I wanted to respond to certain people's messages, I just didn't have enough time and energy. ...what am I supposed to do, sit with my computer/ phone and respond to my messages all day long? I have other things to do. Add to that someone who is overtly particular, not flexible, and possibly lashes out at you... and yea, that's a recipe for being ghosted. The more someone tries to push or force things into happening in a way that's just not appealing, the more it's like... no. When you're near the beginning especially, being relaxed, going with the flow, and being appropriately forward/ persistent are generally conducive to getting somewhere (unless I'm taking more of the lead, which happens).

Revisiting this after some years of not hearing this (probably not since this came out in 2017): Interesting metal fusion, the chorus hits much deeper these days.

What does "deep" mean for you personally and specifically though, is what I'm trying to make sense of?

Well, you can develop a sort of grit and confidence that you might not otherwise be pushed to develop, especially by choice. Ever wonder how you'd fare under more difficult circumstances? Well, that experience can back you up now. It is unavoidable that it wears on your body though, even if you can offset a sense of undesirable deterioration psychologically and emotionally. (Most of the time, the latter also does involve "paying it forward" until later in a self-destructive way.) To your first question... how do you recognize your limit? Ultimately, developing much greater emotional and physical awareness, so you recognize what feels off and does damage in the moment, or at least much sooner rather than later. And not after you've already viscerally felt the consequences of your actions which were not originally anticipated. (For example: misestimating how much of something you can actually take, and what it realistically takes to get there under current circumstances... while recognizing that circumstances can and do change as well, also in smaller increments that often go unrecognized if you're just not that tuned in your body/ psyche.)

@Craigxt22 How do you find this brand? Every other "natural" sunscreen where I've combed through the ingredients list (which tends to be "hippie" type brands) that I've tried so far feels greasy AF. (I.e. Green Beaver, Badger, Goddess Garden) It's like spreading mayo on your face and then just letting it sit there, waiting for it to absorb. It makes me quite sad, actually.

Isn't this often part of "standard male societal conditioning"? At least, that's what I've heard from guys that I've been close to, including my own partner. I got the same treatment growing up as well though. I had gotten the message that my expressions of pain were inconvenient, undesirable, and inappropriate, whether psychological, emotional or physical. At least a few times, I can actively recall being rewarded and praised for taking pain without showing any reaction to it. I definitely prioritized others' well-being and convenience over my own in this way, and believed that this is what made me "good". My, this is extremely relatable.

What do you think is at the heart of feeling like you can't be yourself fully around people? Or that interactions are not worth it? What's your motive? What do you feel like you most need to protect yourself from? (This very much could include "your time".) If it's not primarily an issue with sensory or emotional overwhelment in your environment, then probably it is much more so about your beliefs, associations about people and what they represent and mean, is it not?

It can be helpful to understand what it is that makes you so attached to this one specific person, specifically what it is that this person symbolizes to you, and what needs/ desires/ curiosities are not otherwise being fulfilled in your life, and what does this mean in relation to your own life story/ experiences? Like... who would you most ideally be with this person? What would you most be able to freely express or become? What specific things draw out this desire in you as opposed to another? It's not exactly the solution, but it's a place to start getting to know yourself a lot better.