eos_nyxia

@integral Why not mix vit C powder into your existing cream/ serum? I use this:

@Chives99 Thanks for reminding me of them! Hammock's been one of mine within the last year:

Wow... this is such a beautiful place! It looks so peaceful there.

There's only room for one king at the top of that throne, hey?

Real "boss bitches" were always too busy with the business of being themselves to care about what pleb dudes think, to really be held back by them... (Though not everything is about aggressive, active, direct, imposing power, and it never was... nor was it ever really all about nurturing qualities, if what you mean by that is only maternal qualities.) Feminism didn't exactly invent "strong women" across the board, lol.

A part of my mind has been looping this song in the background on repeat for the last half a week plus: This song is an incredibly pure multi-synesthesiac wonderland for me. It's like being poked with a bunch of multi-coloured buttons. ...or is it pots and pans that clang, but feel like needles against my whole body? ....amazing stuff, regardless. ☀️☀️☀️ It seems like sheer chance I never got into them when I was younger... These days, I definitely prefer them to listening to Joy Division because it doesn't sound like depression, and I'm not miserable enough to want to listen to Joy Division on regular rotation anymore, lol.

This rapper was a really nice find recently: (2:56, someone likes Siouxie enough to wear her face on his body!) Once in a while, I fall into some random person/ artist's playlist and it draws me in, often for reasons that I can't fully explain. For example, I found out about the artist above from this playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/55IB7gmP1GKCgqSfUE50eF?si=20b2d0ebef0f4a94 ("Weirdo's Disco" has a ring to it though.)

Something on topic with this and the rest of this thread: Ozzy Ozborne's ability to consume a massive amount of drugs and alcohol and not die has been studied by scientists. Apparently, his genes (or a specific gene?) make his body purge out these substances at a much faster rate, but the same gene(s) make him much more prone to being an addict in the first place.

This is very unfortunately not true for everyone. I remember when I thought this was true as well. My partner, for instance, has said that he cannot remember a time as a child when he did not feel like he hated himself, on some deep level. And I used to be like... are you sure that there wasn't there something that came before, that you can remember? (Where did this feeling come from?) From this perspective, at times, it seems to me that this would feel like a thing without a beginning or end, or any limits whatsoever. Sometimes I feel very strongly for people who do not have a sense of this sense of "something to return to" that is clear and concrete... because what are they supposed to do if they don't have a memory/ sense of something better? From where they stand, surely this idea of this mythical power of "Self Love" is as much a fabrication as the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Sure, people say it exists.. but does it really? They rely on someone/ something to strike them in this world (or alternatively: some sense of a supernatural force as being outside/ distinct from oneself, while often simultaneously feeling like a part of them as well). (Actually, now that I think about it, my brother very much had a sense of "being in the dark" growing up, especially in early childhood. He has even taken to describing himself as "being offline" before the last couple of years.) Unfortunately for those of us who are into PV, finding yourself in the position of "not loving yourself" becomes yet another thing to judge yourself for not having, and to whip yourself over repeatedly. Or to judge others, whether more or less subtly, with a sort of veiled benevolence. And sometimes being goaded helps, but only very temporarily at best. It is not a viable long-term solution. Ultimately.... it's no one's fault, it helps no one make the best of it all, and we all are wherever it is that we are in any given moment.

Relying on the strength and sanctity you feel from creating hard boundaries and distance... it's pretty relatable. At some point in our lives, some of us come to the conclusion that this is the only viable way to do things, to preserve the self. Typically: as long as you have a "strong" face in this way, there is always a "weak face" you have to protect. The two things are comorbid as they are. The thing that gives you a sense of strength and freedom also easily ends up feeling like the walls of a mile-high emotional prison. And the more you close it off in very strict and rigid ways, the more it festers, in the way that secrets and shame also festers when walled-off and left in the dark, unaccepted and untouched by anyone. The "weak face" always ends up catching up to the strong one... it's usually just a matter of how and when. At the same time, it makes sense to protect yourself, especially by keeping your eyes open. Because your instinct is right, you absolutely can end up doing far more damage getting provoked by the wrong people, and getting stuck in the wrong dynamics. I totally get this feeling. I'm not sure if this makes sense but... are you super attached (or even addicted) to the idea of people seeing you in a certain way? (And if so, either way: does people seeing you in the way that you want to be seen... does that ultimately and truly serve you?) What would it mean to let go of this sense? (And to not get yourself nuked, but to also not become "too soft"?)

In my own experience, this is a dynamic that can be worked past with some effort (or probably a lot of effort). The question is, for what reason, and for who? What would make it truly worth it? What do you think you would look like if you were closer to your more ideal, healed, "integrated" state? How would you behave, how would you treat yourself, or interact with others? Are you both normally avoidant types? Or is there a lot of intermittent pushing and pulling between the both of you? More importantly: whatever it is that you have, do you feel like the relationship between your shared give-take is pretty balanced overall? If we're just talking about yourself: what strikes me is wondering what sort of relationship you have between commitment to your vision (what we typically think of as a more "mind-centered" reality, which tends to be more rigid and attached to specific ideas, visions, and outcomes) vs. being more open, flexible, and going with the flow of feeling and the moment ("of the heart")? Do you find that there is a lot of conflict between these two things, or that both do not quite meet up or are on the same page? This might be the deeper issue beyond your relationship with one specific person, or even with romantic/ sexual love in general.

Yes, that's the point. Those people are pretty much never in the position to "spiritually bypass" their way into this sentiment here (unless you wanna go completely nuke yourself): This type of logic is what people often (not always very consciously and intentionally) use to justify staying with an abuser. It's in a similar vein of thinking you can via enough love or understanding "fix" someone; it's practically a trope to say that this does not work. If it's even possible, it's not possible if you're coming from that deficit. And if you are coming from that deficit or vulnerability, it's not your "fault" either. (But there is sometimes an undercurrent of feeling like the more moral, virtuous one in this situation, in the case that you've "tolerated" and "transcended" someone's abuse.) The thing is that people do not often recognize that they are in this deficit, or else a lot of situations like these would probably not ever happen. Sometimes, like I mentioned in one of my above examples, it's simply just being young, sheltered, and inexperienced with people, rather than being "super traumatized" to start with.

Respectfully: this sort of mentality is actually what leads people who are already victims back into victimhood, or keeps them there. It is often an unaffordable luxury if you actually want to get out. If you spent your whole life prioritizing people's perspectives, wants, needs, and desires before yours, to the point that it's pre-programmed into you in intensely self-destructive ways, this sort of concern with spiritual virtue and taking the moral high road can literally get you killed by staying too long in situations that you really shouldn't. (But if you can afford to do this, because perhaps naturally you would be less inclined to do so to start with, or you could use more of a shift away from classical notions of "self-centeredness", or for some other reason... good on you?) I noticed that detail and wondered about it too...

...is this a serious question? If answered seriously (because judgement is "badddddddddd"?), then the ultimate expression of "love" in a personal sense is the absence of judgment if not simply because you've dealt with this particular issue more than enough, and are finally over the way it makes you feel, and get that judgement itself is not an optimal way of transforming yourself, your surroundings, not living with reality the way it is. It will not bring you peace. On top of that, you have also earned the luxury to overcome it, whether through time, one's own direct efforts, etc. (Because a lot of people would like to be truly over being provoked, but are not.) Being judgemental in a reactive sense is tiring and draining, and to an extent, from a certain perspective: turning against others is no different than turning against yourself, and is felt as such. The body feels it and stores it as such. All sorts of emotions and thoughts are never good for your health and wellbeing, period. It's putting yourself in someone's shoes as much as ever possible, just because. If you are the prey: you take on the qualities of the predator (at least in understanding and feeling, even if not in action, hopefully). And vice versa is true too, I think. The predator learns what it means to become like prey; the abuser learns what it means to be abused. What kind of understanding can you possibly have if you haven't gotten up close and personal with what it means to be victimized, and extending this meaningfully to others beyond your own direct, lived-in experience? Or do you mean understanding without real empathy? (Empathy means you hurt when someone else hurts, quite directly and literally. Or you feel joy when they feel joy, because you take on their emotions as if they're you're own, and by extension, you learn to advocate for them as best as you possibly can. Without this, you can have all the "understanding" in the world, but you are cold, cold, COLD...) Or you HAVE before, so you can legibly say you know what this means in its many variations.

A couple of unsolicited resource recommendations (in case you might be interested), regardless of what you end up choosing, if you're interested in learning in more of an organic/ relaxed/ "fun" way, or if you need supplemental material: The Language Transfer: it's free, it's awesome, and I don't think there's anything else quite like it out there: The person who made it does a really amazing job at explaining the interrelationships between related languages in a very clear, concise, and accessible way. They have an app too. https://www.languagetransfer.org/free-courses-1 Language Reactor: you can get two sets of subtitles in whatever your chosen language is plus another for Netflix (and also Youtube, and possibly other sites). You can also save vocab, access a dictionary with sound by clicking/ hovering over the words, and save vocab and export it to ANKI, if you do the flashcards thing. https://www.languagereactor.com/

Depending on what French dictionary you're using, the Latin root/ etymology will also be in there and might be worth noting. In my experience (and this might not be very helpful), but French language-only dictionaries have been the best for this. And just thoroughness in general. (This is actually how I started with etymology when I first started French Immersion around middle school age.) To your answer: yes, you can learn French while picking up Latin etymology and that actually ends up overlapping a great deal with English. Based on observation: a lot of English words are imported directly from Middle French. Oh. I practically popped out of the womb a word-nerd, haha. Knowing the shared connections between languages can be extremely helpful for figuring out the meaning of words if you don't know them in another related language, or helping you remember the meaning of new words period, IMO. I find that it is a bit more organic to me than memorizing a bunch of words and grammar, and it sticks deeper and more effortlessly. So these might not actually technically be the closest languages to English (because I googled it and people said that Frisian/ Scots is closer), but in my experience, almost all of the North Germanic languages (Norweigan/ Swedish/ Danish) are much easier to pick up as a native English speaker, if not because of the relative shortness and accessibility of the written words and grammar compared to say... German. German has a ton of English cognates but it's not as immediately accessible. Especially when you realize that the most striking similarities are not in the way the words are spelt, it's how it sounds. It's like if you somehow "squint" with your ears, North Germanic sounds like "weird English" and vice versa, lol.

You're a classical studies or history nerd. You're a language and etymology nerd. (There's that helpful, interesting carry-over between Latin and all of the languages that came from it later.) You're an academic (or an aspiring academic). I think that you still have to learn it if you want to become a Catholic priest? (My dad learned it originally for this reason while he was in priest school, but many schools here actually used to teach some Latin as well, years and years ago. Like in the 60s/ 70s, lol.) For conversational use? No... why would it? If you want some insight into the original, elementary building blocks of English (as opposed to all of the words we imported into it from Latin, French, and other non-Germanic languages), looking at Germanic languages would probably be a better bet.

"taking the high road": ignore them completely "not taking the high road": troll the trolls? Not that I do this anymore, but there was something kind of amusing about someone talking about how you're such shit, and being like... "yup." Like just going along with their premise and running around in circles with them for a bit until you get bored. Or they get bored. Whatever.

Also: I'm not sure what the laws are like and how they're applied, but isn't her husband coercing her to do Onlyfans straight-up pimping?

I had heard about this but I never got around to listening to the recordings. Jesus.... what a piece of work that guy is. Nothing says "I'M POWERFUL HEAR ME ROAR" like threatening small, vulnerable animals and using them as a bargaining chip. Even if he has no intention of actually doing what he says (and TBH there is no reason to assume that he won't), there's no good excuse for it. Obvious Answers: Conditioning: there's often a background of being groomed to accept questionable treatment growing up (even if it's not explicit, obvious abuse). To accept, to endure, and to blame/ question yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes this is part of the conditioning of your gender. I think that overall, men and women tend to get a slightly different version of "suck it up// figure it out yourself" People don't usually show their "true colours" at first, which isn't necessarily on purpose. People change, but also you don't really truly know the nitty-gritties of someone until you live with them for at least a few years, IMO. Un-enmeshing yourself is something where it's like... you don't know how hard it can be to do until you actually do it. People's pickers/ filters aren't quite working as they should, for whatever reason. Sometimes the opposite of #1 appears to be true, like a sheltered life and perception of people, as well as a soft, sensitive personality makes you ripe for a shattering. "sunk cost fallacy" and the difficulty of getting yourself to change once you've invested deeply into someone (and your image/ beliefs about this person) Perpetually telling yourself that on some level, it's "really not that bad" even if your view of the relationship at its worst is not the same as an outsider's, at that point. Your perspective can get skewed in the heat of it. Deep down believing that you somehow deserve this and this is the best you can do, for whatever reason. In her case, like with harming her pets/ destroying her career... if you have someone/ something you want to protect, you might believe that complying with this person is your best chance of preventing damage (which may or may not be true). It's a gamble. Mostly, it seems to be the "fawn" and "freeze" instinct looping on repeat. Personally, listening to this stuff triggers my "fight" instinct and makes me furious. Like if someone fucked with my pets, they'd be done. In my case, I developed a "fight instinct" to deal with people who turn out to be like the one above, whether they are more or less subtle about it. It gave me a vengeful, vicious side whereas normally I would not ever have one, because I'm not like that by nature and there is otherwise no need for it anyway. Like: however hard you fight, I'll just do it better and smarter than you. .....like, I don't even know this woman and I want to fight this dude and tell him to get a hold of his sad, pathetic, small-dicked energy. Though I haven't been in this specific sort of situation, there are people who will blame you for fighting back (as well as not fighting back), for outting others, for not walking away even earlier or getting yourself in this situation to start with. People will blame you for being too angry, too passive, or too much or little of anything. People will say you're lying or you're being overdramatic. Etc. Even people themselves who have been abused (in my experience) will sometimes question you for getting that angry, (like you're not very moral/ "high consciousness"/ evolved, lol) so that you might protect yourself. Even if potentially, your life might depend on it. Or god forbid, the lives and wellbeings of others (such as her pets). When it comes to potential criticism, it can be a free-for-all. I am glad that it appears that people are at least moving away from this universal "blame the victim" or "she deserves it because she does sex work", because I think even 10-20 years ago, the reaction would have been even more unsympathetic as a whole. Attitudes are shifting IMO.

Neither trauma nor making errors are someone's "fault" persay, but it's true that you are the person who is the most responsible, and the one who can most reliably make these cycles stop. The issue is moreso with men (IDK what it's like for men dealing with women) who write off every single ex as crazy/ horrible as a cover for their own terrible behaviour, abuse, and the lack of either self-awareness/ self-accountability on their part. In this case: you might actually talk to the guy's ex, and find out that she was the more reasonable person. You might find a string of women who had similar problems with the same guy. He can just write them all off as "crazy" regardless of anything that he himself said or done. (For example, this is one I've seen quite a lot: a guy's ex was paranoid about being cheated on, and he tells his current partner about that, and he also says that she was crazy. The new partner believes the man. Then she herself gets cheated on, or hears the stories from the other side, and realizes that she's with a dismissive, manipulative person.) Generally when people say this is a red flag, the above is what they're trying to avoid. "CRAZY" is also a very easy (and old-fashioned) way that women and female concerns get written off, in general. Like: someone can even be whatever "crazy" and still have valid concerns, and their feelings about it still can have some basis in reality as well.

I guess so, yea. I think if you grew up in non-first world country, or if you had parents that didn't and it influenced your perspective strongly enough, then it doesn't fit well with what "green" is supposed to be. Or alternatively, if you had a traumatic or difficult upbringing, or faced other significant challenges growing up (for example, a lot of ill health or various handicaps), then it's very difficult to reconcile having rose-coloured glasses with your reality. I think it's usually a very strong, dissociative response to trauma to have someone go "full green" in this case, as opposed to simply being inexperienced with the harsher things in life. The former is moreso a coping mechanism, the latter is pure privilege. (IMO you see this quite a bit in the New Age.)

Is this some kind of platonic entity? Like a superlative... the vagina to end all vaginas? Vaginas: they're moody and picky. To the point that even I myself, as a vagina owner, don't always enjoy the same sort of stimulation all the time (or the same degree of it). It affects your mood and vice versa. I'm pretty sure this is common, but assuming what worked well for one woman you knew works for everyone else.

YELLOW FLAGS: -all of your exes are crazy/ horrible people: 1) dude, you picked them, and kept picking them... 2) either you're obscuring whatever redeeming character qualities they had because you're bitter or they had none in the first place (but that was somehow ok with you), and it's not a great look. I feel like this, along with the other red flags I listed, is more of a red flag the more it goes on and the older you get, as it means you keep making the same choices over and over again... the real red flag is that the issue is the person doing the complaining is a person who has a habit of chronically leaving people much worse than they found them. -overly idolizes me// treats me like a muse: this is a more recent one. TLDR; ultimately it probably says more about their relationship with themselves rather than how excellent I am as a person (lol), and what role they expect you to serve for them emotionally. E.g. 1) be their endless source of inspiration 2) solve their problems for them and make them feel good about themselves for existing. Mostly, in my experience, you're just a tool for them to emotionally masturbate with. It might not even be consensual. That man might not be interested in anything reciprocal or mutually beneficial, nor is he grounded in the reality of you having human issues, vulnerabilities, etc. Maybe it isn't exactly fair, but at this point, I find it all suspicious because I got burned badly enough. Y'all could just easily flip a switch and find something "real" with a "real woman" while I get to be the emotional masturbation tool, or forgotten.... great. -SLUTTY: There is nothing wrong with it at all, persay. (You do you.) But I never went through a proper experimental "ho phase" in my life despite FOMO, so I just find it alienating more than anything else. So it's not that I don't get the appeal/ urge, it's that I made different choices. And I've noticed that I tend to feel more comfortable and gravitate toward people who made similar choices. (...I'm poly-identifying too.) However, I definitely would not feel comfortable with someone FOMOing on my behalf (even as I've experienced FOMO myself). -Overly privileged upbringing and never faced serious challenges, especially earlier in life. The actual red flag: really, really self-absorbed about first-world problems (many of which are real, actual problems... I just find it exhausting to be too close to people who are this way for too long.)

-explicitly compares you to other women, and subtly or explicitly encourages competitiveness with other women, triangulates, etc. -Is ambiguous about wanting me: either you do, or you don't. Like if the attitude is "I can find myself another woman"/ "you're replaceable"... that's exactly what's going to happen. I need someone who is capable of being forthright about how they feel about me. -is overly dependent on their family, friends, coworkers, etc. to make up their mind about anything, including me. Or does not have enough "people sense" to figure out mostly by themselves if someone is a decent person or worth being around. An extension of this is: I'm having a relationship with you, not everyone else in your life. -is unpleasantly self-absorbed in our conversations, and not enjoyable to talk to. Has a poor sense of give-take and balance in conversation and human interactions, or just doesn't care for whatever reason. (basic human interaction stuff) -"fragile masculinity": has a lot of deep-down, serious hangups and insecurities about being a man, especially if it gets taken out on other people. Related: bitter and resentful against women... I have had enough reasons to be bitter and distrust the opposite sex, or to justify choosing not to do my best to empathize or see the perspective of the opposite sex... but I chose differently. Also related to this: holds onto a lot of false ideas about women and people in general, and is unwilling to challenge such. Having a "big dick complex" when it comes to AM MAN HAVE BIG BRAIN THOUGHTS, or getting weirdly competitive when it comes to matters of intellect (or even spirituality). Dealing with this feels like adult babysitting. -hates my pets and small animals// my pet doesn't trust them: I don't have any pets right now (and TBH at times I've found the idea of keeping pets a bit problematic...), but I think it's perfectly acceptable to trust your companion animals' intuitions about people. An extension of this thinking: only sees everything, whether people or small, vulnerable animals by their potential transactional use. -our personalities, priorities, and interests aren't compatible enough for us to be friends outside of romantic/ sexual interest: I don't really enjoy the feeling of sexual/ romantic attraction wearing off (or settling down a bit) and then realizing that this is not a person I'd choose to be around otherwise.