eos_nyxia

❤️🧠⚡🙏

.... It really is hard to find the will to write publically anymore, especially when I just focus on living my life these days.

I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE CONSIDER "SEX MUSIC": This list is wild. Motorhead as sex music sounds like.... what it would feel like to wake up extremely sore down there and with absolutely no memory of anything that has happened. Or what it would feel like the next day if you had a 24-hour bender but you decided to amp yourself up and keep going. It sounds sloppy, drunk, and aggressive. No thanks, lol. Like seriously, what kind of rhythm is that, even? (... and I assume that people have sex to the rhythm of sex music... right?) At least it would be good music for kickboxing? I appreciate Lemmy and love Motorhead, but that man's body probably hated him. Honestly, I would rather SUNN 0))). But I find the concept of "sex music" odd in general, as in distracting, awkward, and profoundly unsexy. I especially don't want to hear a dude (or anyone really) singing about himself and his moods during either, thanks.

I really could just take the positive, useful qualities about her approach and leave the rest at the door. This is literally the point of approaching things in a rational but emotionally non-suppressive way. The point is to be able to pick-and-choose without unwanted, unforeseen consequences. And I still don't have to deal with people I don't want to deal with, nor to be open or seen on unwanted terms! I don't have to feel anything about them either. That is the point of it -- to be free from the weight, not to add more of my own to it.

GOD'S GIFT TO SALADS: SHIRAZI SALAD: Finally, I discovered a salad that has everything that makes the base flavours of a Greek salad amazing (chopped tomatoes, cucumbers, onions + sour citrus vinaigrette), but with a texture that makes it infinitely more delicious: It's that perfectly uniform fine dice! About once a week, I fantasize about eating a very large amount of this salad. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm known as the lady who ALWAYS orders a Shirazi salad at my local Persian food place... often I go there and literally just order that.) TABBOULEH: Now it's competing with my classic favourite salad, which is Lebanese-style Tabbouleh. Usually, when I make it myself, I sub out the cracked wheat with either cooked quinoa or hemp hearts. I love this salad SO much that I googled if it was possible to give myself kidney stones by consuming too much of this stuff. (Parsley, while a super healthy vegetable, has a lot of oxalates, as do many other uncooked dark leafy green vegetables.) Because if it were up to me, I'd eat it all day, every day. ALAS, the other major deterrence with both of these dishes: one either pays the price (buying it premade) or you're chopping your life away. HONOURABLE MENTION -- SEAWEED SALAD: I've always found that the servings that they give you at sushi restaurants are pitifully small. But then again, maybe the serving size is for the best! I love this type of salad so much that I recently googled "...can I get iodine poisoning from eating too much seaweed salad?" The answer is -- Yes. Yes you can. A couple days ago, I was at a Chinese banquet and almost no one at my table wanted to eat the seaweed salad. Haha, their loss! (Wait... is this actually safe?) I'm pretty sure all the East Asian countries have some version of this type of crisp, chewy seaweed salad with a vinegar/ sesame oil-based vinaigrette. HONOURABLE MENTION AND UNDERRATED -- PANAGO PIZZA: For some reason, I've never heard anyone talk about these salads locally ever. But for 8-12 CAD, you can get a fresher, better-quality salad than you can get anywhere else, including ones of a much higher price point for a similar quality. I've had moderately to much worse salads in restaurants, salad bars, supermarkets (including posh ones), etc. (Which either means that the bar for salad quality is in hell or I am super picky haha.) One thing that I really appreciate is that there are a ton of ingredients you can choose from and a lot of them are free to add on. It makes it really easy to order online, check off a bunch of boxes for each ingredient (and uncheck a few), walk there in 10-15 minutes, and everything's already done. If I'm feeling texturally ok with it, I really enjoy these with a ton of extra veggies, as many as I can get, with a protein. (Panago product placement, lol.)

....because why not?

MY MOTHER'S COLDNESS/ PRAGMATISM: There are times where thinking like my mom just makes sense, as much as I've wished to distance myself from it, and as much as I had tried to be more and do more, to set myself up for a life that was more. Like who are any of these people and why do they even matter? They literally do nothing for the bottom line of your life. You owe them absolutely nothing. You have to look out for yourself, because they won't. If you have a crisis, who is actually going to be there for you in a way that matters? Whatever you have with them is not a relationship, regardless of whatever it is that they think, feel, and project onto you. If you can handle your business emotionally, then the whole issue is completely over because you decided it was. They're just being dramatic about what they want. They're not actually thinking of or accounting for you in any serious way. The same survivalist mentality I took the pains to try to both escape and overcome. It goes on and on... and on. She doesn't say a lot of this explicitly even though she can be pretty blunt/ harsh at times, but it is implicit. She's not wrong. It is what it is. It works, especially in a pinch, if you can get your emotions in line enough to stand your ground and hold the boundary. I would feel a sense of shame and embarrassment explaining to her how I got myself in the situation I did emotionally, but of course it's because she can't relate either. She draws her lines and will fight for them, and knows that fighting might always be called for. I also do tend to face emotions and thoughts directly in way that she wouldn't and couldn't, which I think is 1) partially a base character thing 2) choices I made as a result of my character and what I consciously chose to prioritize 3) not need to worry about base survival in the way she has (actual 3rd world poverty) means that affording extra indulgences such as a certain kind of self-gazing reflection in pursuit of resolution is easier. I have had WAY more time and energy for it. She literally treats everyone this way, or strives to (probably with the exception of my dad), told me to treat my brother this way (regarding his upcoming wedding), and told me to treat her this way if she becomes unreasonable (like she gets dementia or something lol). I know full well the emotional cost and energy required with this kind of rigid boundary-holding. I have a lifetime's worth of experience with it.

It's not that I'm not capable of being happy for them because they got what they wanted. I am. It's just that it's better done away from me, while I'm out of sight.

I have never seen a container large enough to hold the amount of rage I have had (and still have). And if you're not interested in my rage, because it's not all cute and vulnerable like my sadness, then I'd rather not show my sadness either.

THE PRICE OF "PROTECTING MYSELF": But from this perspective, even simply BEING and being open is too much for me, because I know that having parts of me taken and used for things that I explicitly DO NOT WANT is inevitable. The more open I am, the faster the wheel turns, the more that "just happens", and the harder it is to stop in terms of time and my energy. The more unwanted and damaging feedback I have to deal with. And I would rather protect myself instead of going through a repeated version of feeling profoundly and disgustingly violated again, only to get myself back to the point where it's like: I forgive you! Because there's nothing I can do about what you've done anyway! It's not worth holding onto any of this! I'll just say this: there are not many times I was open enough to even get close to being disappointed. Even with my family, having profoundly low expectations saved me from being overly disappointed with them. .... Since I'm in very regular contact with my family now, and since I have a long history of being by far the most emotionally "mature" despite being the youngest and the one who was "victimized". There's a reason why I put all my rage in a place which is not there, with them, so I can handle my family situation as cleanly and responsibly as possible. But why would I perform this sort of service for anyone else? Seriously... what for? WHY? When literally they could just live their lives and not make anything unnecessarily personal again. -- So I refuse to be emotionally open, and it's not good for me. I know it's a profound self-sabatoge, to not be open, to keep yourself alone (I mean in the metaphysical sense, as in, open to all phenomenon and that inevitably includes people, instead of a such a delineated way of picking and choosing). I know can't stay this way for too long because it's just so limited in every single way. The only things I'll let out are of things that are of no real significance or actual vulnerability to me, because I don't want anyone to know anything which can be construed as "too personal". I don't want those attachments. It feels like a layer of ICK. Of slime. A violation. It makes it feel more unbearable to be myself, to be open and expressive, to literally be in this body. And then I will feel this way again, and dealing with it will be the same as it always was from early childhood.

I should be happy about being replaced in ways that I thought I was essential, or at the very least, misunderstanding what people thought my use was FOR. "Love" can really mean a huge range of possible compulsions and emotions. Anyway, wasn't I looking for my way out this whole time, if it proved itself false? I was looking for a reason for it to be false, shallow, and of no real meaningful and lasting value. Even if something lasts beyond death, it doesn't mean that it is worth preserving. And if it's not worth preserving, then I have no moral obligation to be open or connected in even a single way that could be considered "personal". I wanted to let myself off the hook from the burden that is feeling responsible for humanity, and god forbid I get something I actually personally want via the Law of Exchange. That is just it. I want to remove the unnecessarily personal from all of this. From my connection to people. I could never have taken this karmic baggage in the direction I'm going. So I tell myself, so it appears. So then, why so angry about it? I wanted to be right too, obviously.

I don't have slutty FOMO anymore. Finally, I accepted and made my peace with this: It's not like the people I thought I was missing out on would have understood me in the way I wanted and thought I needed anyway.

FAT IN THE 90s/ EARLY 00s: I've been revisiting Kibbe (which often reads as astrology but for clothes) and was reminded how much the media hated soft-bodied people, which tends to more easily read as "fat" (especially in photos) regardless of your actual weight, body size, and body fat levels. In Kibbe typology, that's skewing toward having a more "yin" or ("romantic") bone structure and features. This means narrower bones and delicate joints, which are especially noticeable in the wrists, ankles, ribcage, and the structure of the feet and hands. "Muscle" on a feminine frame tends to read instead as more "curves" in a moderately more structured way, which still visually reads as "soft", as opposed to what we typically associate with as muscles -- angularity, definition, unless you are extremely lean and/ or muscular. I mean lean enough to stop menstruating as a woman. Kibbe teaches that part of that angularity and the "strong" or "bold" look comes from your skeletal frame and not only your body fat levels. Feminine-leaning types tend to look "lush" (a "yin" feature) rather than "dry" (sinewy, lean, elongated, angular, etc). I remember being super young when Titanic came out, and thinking that Kate Winslet looked so pretty with her colouring and her curls, And then I learned, apparently, she was fat. Other examples of being "fat": SiTC (Kim Cattrall refused to gain weight, but she was styled as "fat"). (Fun fact: these types of pants made everyone look "fat" unless you were extremely thin with no muscle mass, and possibly pre-pubescent.) (For what it's worth, Renee Zellweger gained weight for this role.) When Nicole Ritchie was the fat friend on The Simple Life. Character on the right was considered "fat": This movie just generally sucked though. "Fat" Britney: What in the mental illness was wrong with people back then?

Interesting, thanks for sharing! Are you generally sensitive with sleep or was this routine unusually overstimulating? Also, how close to sleep do you finish your last set? I've been curious about this sort of routine for the last 10ish years, but I didn't have the time, energy levels, or persistence for it back then. I have actually heard of people doing this type of thing for pistol squats or other callisthenics, but also sometimes for kettlebell and other weight lifting exercises, though it's usually more like 3-6 sets spread out throughout the day. I've heard that it's a good way to build strength very quickly because you rarely get fatigued enough to have to take whole days off for muscle recovery and DOMs, though I imagine long-term fatigue must build up anyway, just at a slower rate.

So it's been a month; how did this experiment go?

This is the answer. Although OP is from Lebanon, aren't there a decent number of people with light eyes and even people with natural dark blonde hair? Depending on his colouring, he might very much be white-passing. ...which doesn't mean very much, because I think a lot of very visibly mixed-race people here in metropolitan Canada/the US (including myself in this category) are often considered white-passing.

I mean to be fair, Gal's acting is like: The clips I saw from Snow White weren't much better lol. It's not exactly motivating to pay money to watch even if I didn't care about her politics at all.

This is so, so painfully last decade... Good song though.

...but did they keep the goofy-ass dialogue and camera panning?

@Av2521 What specifically isn't working out about your hometown?

It could be the Christian fundie homeschooling. It doesn't help, haha.

I mean, there is a point to this, even though the speculations about what pre-agricultural life was like tend to be riddled with unchecked utopian fantasy. But you're right. We're not well-equipped emotionally or spiritually to work at unfulfilling labour which arguably serves no higher purpose in a highly regimented and bureaucratic way. Social isolation and disconnection that is built into our modern lifestyles is a serious issue and it seems to only be getting worse. And it's true that by default, we lived more fully and freely. But take a look around, more and more people are finally starting to direct the anger where it is more appropriate, at the parasitically wealthy and greedy who take and do not give back in proportion to what they've claimed for themselves. There is no balance there. More importantly, there is the drive to do something about it, even if it's only changing the way you live your life and the way you speak about it. Great, so now what do you do about the things that deep down you don't feel like you fully deserve? On one hand, there is the obvious entitlement of thinking: I deserve sex; it's a basic need; it should be easily available whenever I want it. On the other hand, deep down, do you really feel like you deserve it? If you don't, then you will probably hate the woman giving it to you freely and also hate yourself as well. Funny how people can feel both ways.

This is good for absolutely no one. You are comparing two unlike things; why not compare a hypothetical "average woman" with an "average man"? Like, do you really think it's easier being a highly intelligent woman? (By whatever normal metrics that intelligence is measured by these days). If you're considered conventionally attractive enough, people will overlook the weirdness and the psychological baggage that often comes with it, but that can only go so far. In a similar way that people will overlook sociopathy as well, but it's not a great thing lol. I mean, getting sex and being loved isn't a reward for just existing and being an intelligent woman either, but it's not about that, is it? Yes, subpar and emotionally unstimulating sex, which in many cases, is worse than none at all. Just a reminder that the female sex bears more risks for having sex, including assault (sexual and otherwise) and pregnancy.

The premise of this thread is a bit of a mess. I mean, if you're only attracted to the most vulnerable, girlish, "hooking" qualities and expressions of femininity, and that is all femininity is to you because it is all you're willing to let it mean, then that is what you get? Congrats, you made your own echo chamber. And your superficiality and lack of breadth and development in your personal expression are a match for theirs.

I was never too into his comedy, but I guess Bill Burr has evolved to become the voice of reason now, lol. All of the bleeting about "human shields" and Israelis shamelessly and unselfconsciously trying to pass off that logic as Logic with a capital L broke my brain post October 7th. It very much has the energy of: